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1017 5.83 KB 145
Breaking the Burglar by DCFTEF
By splishsplashCreated: 2022-01-05 16:52:27
Updated: 2023-11-23 00:32:25
Expiry: Never
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Breaking the Burglar by DCFTEF
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( / )
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(05/04/2020)
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---
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More from the files of the Canterlot Royal Guard...
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>You are fucked
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>You are in the worst trouble of your life
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>Sweating it out in a Royal Guard interrogation room
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>Caught red-hoofed
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>You always loved cat-burgler novels
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>Seemed like a romantic, exciting life
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>Just wanted to try it...never meant any harm
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>Dressed all in black, looking real cool
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>Climbed up on a rooftop of Canterlot Castle
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>Broke a window, lowered yourself down on a rope
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>You wanted to see how close you could get to where Celestia's crown jewels are hidden
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>No delusions about actually stealing them
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>You're not that good
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>Not good at all it appears
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>Your rope chaffs of the broken glass
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>Snaps. You come crashing down
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>Knock over a decorative suit of armor
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>Big racket
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>You're busted by the guards
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>You never meant any harm, just doing it for fun
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>But now they're saying you tried to steal the Royal Jewels
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>How much trouble can you get in for stealing Celestia's bling?
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>You're about to find out
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>A big guard mare comes in, a Sergeant
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>Gives you a good lookover first
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>She says nothing...just reads your file silently
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>Finally...
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"Wow, kid...you are screwed."
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>Well, that wasn't the news you were hoping to get
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>She continues;
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"You could be facing charges for attempted theft of the Royal Jewels."
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>You try to explain, but she puts her hoof up and stops you
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"Ya know what could happen to you if you get convicted of that?"
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>You gulp and shake your head
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"Ever stop and watch the criminals get their butts busted in Canterlot Square?"
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>Bigger gulp. This time you nod.
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"Notice how the worst spanking is always last?"
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>Again you nod. You always thought those poor saps were up there on the platform because were dumb enough to get caught
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>You never thought you could be up there
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>The mare speaks bluntly
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"You'd be the last one."
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>You're freaking out now
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>You were just fooling around
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>What might you suffer for this?
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>The paddle...the cane...the cat-o-nine-tails?
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>In front of the whole city?
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>Just as you're about to have a panic, the guardmare leans in and says;
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"But I know you weren't really trying to steal the jewels."
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>Wait...what?
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>This could be an answer to your prayers, but how?
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"Because you didn't have a bag when we caught you, dumbass!
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"What did you expect to put the crown jewels in when you stole them?
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"Nah, you're just a doofus."
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>Harsh, but if it saves your rump.
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>The mare has a proposal for you
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"Listen, I have a proposal for you...
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"One of our Privates just had her heart broken.
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"Expected her coltfriend to come into town for a visit
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"It was his birthday...she planned a big surprise party tonight for him.
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"But when his train arrived she got a letter instead.
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"The jerk said he couldn't keep up a long distance relationship...he found somepony new."
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>Ouch...he is a jerk
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"And you kinda look like him."
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>Hold on, what is this mare suggesting?
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"Just what are you suggesting?"
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>Does she want you to stand-in for her ex-coltfriend?
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>The Sergeant chuckles
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"Sort of...
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"See, we both got a problem.
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"You got some serious charges against you that I don't think you really deserve.
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"I've got a heartbroken trooper who REALLY needs some closure.
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"I'm proposing that you accept a little off-the-record punishment...and I'll make those burglary charges disappear."
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>This sounds weird, but it might be the only chance you've got
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"Umm, what would I have to do?"
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>The Sergeant explains;
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"Well, she planned a party, we're still gonna have one...just us fillies.
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"And you."
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>Sounds good so far.
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"You're gonna be the stand-in for that cretin who dumped her.
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"We girls are gonna laugh and cry and drink giant jugs of sangria.
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"We're probably gonna watch a sappy romantic comedy movie.
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"And we're gonna take turns WHOOPING YOUR SORRY ASS.
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>Did I mention, *gulp*?
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"It won't be just that either.
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"Some of the girls have some pretty gnarly strap-on's, so, pucker up.
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"And I'm sure we'll think of some other pretty horrible things to do when we're drunk."
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>The mare rambles about all the terrible things they could do to your tender pony body
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>Candlewax...hot peppers in the mouth, ginger root up the butt
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>Ear bites, some light ball slapping
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"We're all trained Royal Guards, so you won't come to any lasting physical harm
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"But oh, boy, you are gonna wish you'd never been born!"
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>It seems a little unfair
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"So I'm being punished for some other stallion's thoughtlessness?"
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>She gets real serious
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"No, you're being punished for breaking into Canterlot Castle and trying to steal the Royal Jewels.
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"This is the best deal you're gonna get
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"Take your chances with the courts if you want."
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>No...you don't wanna risk getting a public spanking in Canterlot Square
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"Okay ma'am...I'll do it."
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>She tussles your mane maternally
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"Good choice, kid. Worst mistake of your life, you won't regret it."
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>Huh?
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>Leaving the prisoner in a more comfortable holding cell until the night's party, the Sergeant went about her duties.
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>In the hall she met Captain Shining Armor
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"Sgt. Docks, did you take care of that doofus we caught breaking into the castle?"
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>Roxy nodded and gave her report;
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"Yes, Sir, I didn't judge him to be much of a threat so we agreed to some non-judicial punishment."
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>The Captain approved
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"Good call. He was no criminal, just some twit playing cat burglar on the roof."
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>Sergeant Docks was glad he agreed
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"I think so, Captain. He'll get a good scare and won't cause any trouble again."
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"I trust your judgement, Sgt, Docks. You on CQ duty tonight?"
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>She shook her head.
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"No, it's Sergeant War Muffin. Some mares and I have a party planned tonight...fillies only."
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>Shining Armor smiled
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"Sounds like fun. Have a good time."
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>Roxy saluted
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>She didn't bother telling the Captain there would be one colt at the party.
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END
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