Psycho Review 1


                                            It’s time for a psycho review by Psycho Sonata! And this is like a Nostalgia Critic Review where I don’t actually review it.


                                            Today’s story: The Will of Evil!


                                            So Twilight is chilling in the castle or whatever and this deer princess named Falafel burst in and is all like. “Hey, let’s go kill this one guy up in the Benevoilet mountains or whatever that place was called.”

                                            Applejack is there and she says, “The Benevoilet Mountains?! We spent almost 200K words getting there last time! That was this huge, life-changing epic journey and stuff! It’ll take months to get there!”

                                            “TOPKEK! LMAO Rofflecopeter!” Twilight laughs. Then she just teleports there.

                                            “Yeah, Applejack. ALL of us can just teleport there whenever we want, Applejack!” Celestia laughs and then they all teleport up there. Everyone except Applejack.

                                            “Well fuck me,” says Applejack.


                                            Anyway, they get there and there’s this big black deer swinging his big black cock around! It’s pretty intimidating.

                                            “Faith is for fools!” He belches, setting up the narrative theme of the story.

                                            “There he is! That’s Ritz Cracker! Let’s kill him!” Screams Falafel.

                                            So the alicorns and Falafel combine their powers to cast the nuclear missile spell. The entire nation of Deerslvania is destroyed in this massive fucking explosion.

                                            “Oh, fuck,” says Falafel. “Maybe that was too much?”

                                            “It’s cool, dawg,” said Twilight. “You can crash at my place till the radiation levels die down.”

                                            “The entire nation of Deerslvania is going to crash as your house?” Celestia asks.

                                            “Yep!”

                                            “Sounds good to me!”

                                            And all the deer just instantly teleport back down to Ponyville because fuck Applejack.

                                            “Yo, now that he’s dead can I get told who Ritz Cracker was?” Twilight asks.

                                            “I dunno.” Celestia just shrugs. “He’s some guy who was in prison but in that last story Applejack kill the snake that was keeping him in jail or something.”

                                            “Fucking Applejack!”

                                            The ponies briefly wonder how racist they should be towards the deer refugees before stopping and everything is okay now.


                                            OR IS IT?!?!


                                            Little did they know Ritz Cracker had a 5% chance to dodge any attack. He teleported way down to the Whatever Forest because fuck Applejack. But he’s super hammered and shit cause he was in jail for 10 billion years with nothing to eat but that one snake I mentioned before.

                                            That’s when Trixie (she’s working for a circus) finds him passed out on a couch in the woods.

                                            “Whoa! A deer!” Trixie exclaims. “Ring Master! Let’s put him in a cage and force him to dance for the amusement of our audience.”

                                            “You wanna enslave a random drifter?” The RingMaster asks. “Deer can talk and stuff.”

                                            “Yeah? Well so can all the elephants, giraffes, and capybaras we’ve also enslaved!”

                                            “Good point!”

                                            And they enslave Ritz Cracker and put him in their show.

                                            Ritz Cracker is in a cage and Trixie just pokes him with a stick for a half hour. That’s the show.

                                            But all the ponies watching it are like, “OMFG! A deer! It’s a fucking DEER! WooooOOOOooo!”

                                            And they smash beer cans against their heads. It’s insanely popular.

                                            Later that night, Ritz Cracker uses his soul-suck spell to drain the life force out of every pony in the entire town that show was in, but nopony seems to notice an entire town dying off.

                                            They go from town to town, Ritz Cracker killing every single pony in every single town they go to, slowly getting over his hangover. Somehow, nopony notices this yet and despite the fact that everyone who sees this show dies within 12 hours, word of mouth still spreads and more and more ponies show up each time.

                                            Eventually, they have a gigantic audience and Ritz Cracker is all like, “fuck it! I’m just gonna start capping bitches in broad daylight now!”

                                            And he kills everyone but Trixie.

                                            Trixie’s like, “eh, I’m too brainwashed at this point to give a fuck. Praise lord Ritz Cracker!” Cause she’s mind-controlled or corrupted by his magic or something.


                                            Anyway, after about a hundred towns are completely wiped out, Celestia finally notices something’s up. She’s see a straight line of towns where everyone is dead leading straight to Ritz Cracker’s location. So she sends Applejack to investigate.

                                            But what’s Applejack gonna do? Lose like a bitch?

                                            And that’s exactly what happens. Ritz Cracker just pwns the entire Mane 6 in like five seconds cause he’s that powerful! But he doesn’t feel like killing them yet and they all teleport away.

                                            Then another big deer named Wyrdeer and his 500 ancient deer buddies who I remember none of show up.

                                            Wyrdeer is like, “WTF Celestia! First your bitch Applejack lets that guy out of his cage and then you miss with a nuclear missile? How does that happen?”

                                            Celestia tries to explain his 5% chance to dodge but Wyrdeer isn’t taking that shit.

                                            “Let’s just keep firing nuclear missiles at him before he recovers from his hangover and gets to full power,” says Wyrdeer.

                                            “Nah, I got a plan that involves more faith,” says Celestia. “We let him get to full power then hope the elements of harmony will kill him! You gotta have faith in the elements of harmony.”

                                            “Faith is for fools!” Wyrdeer belches then teleports away.

                                            “You’ll see how cool faith is!” Celestia screeches. “You’ll all see! But you six better start doing some pushups just in case, kay?”

                                            And the mane six start doing pushups! See, they gotta power up the elements of harmony before they can use them again or something.


                                            Then some other stuff happens. Ritz Cracker kills Chrysalis and now he’s the changeling king Then Wyrdeer explains to Twilight that magic is all about making reality your bitch and Twilight’s like, ‘cool’.


                                            Then it’s time for them to fight! Ritz Cracker attacks Cloudsdale. Rainbow Dash kills like a billion changelings but Ritz Cracker drinks all the rainbows when she’s not looking so it’s like… who really won?

                                            Ritz Cracker’s still got ten billion changelings left even after losing so then he attacks Manehattan. Basically the same result. Ritz Cracker eats some kinda buffalo magic and he stabs Pinkie with a poison dart that makes her depressed and forces her to quote Lord of the Rings.

                                            A billion more changelings die but he’s got like 9 billion more so it doesn’t matter.

                                            “I can’t tell if we’re winning or losing,” says Dash.

                                            “Time for the plot twist!” Ritz Cracker crashes their ‘we don’t know if we won’ party for the announcement. “Deer’s kept ponies as slaves 10,000 years ago! Bwahahaha!”

                                            “Holy fuck!” says Rainbow Dash! “Why did nopony tell me this before?!”

                                            “I just thought it’d be funny to erase that from the history books.” Celestia shrugs. “We cool?”

                                            “Blarg! No way!” Dash flies away crying. She’s so mad about all of pony history being a lie that she flies straight into Ritz Cracker’s house. “Aw, fuck! Whoops!”

                                            Then Ritz Cracker hits her with his evilfication beam and now Dash is evil.

                                            Meanwhile, Twilight confronts Wyrdeer and she’s like, “Weren’t you alive 10,000 years ago? Did you seriously keep ponies as slaves.”

                                            “It’s cool to enslave people who are inferior to you,” says Wyrdeer.

                                            “That’s a pretty good point,” Twilight admits.

                                            Then they’re cool again.

                                            Falafel decides this is a good time to chime in. She opines that Ritz Cracker was sent by God to kill and torture the ponies as a way to punish the deer for enslaving ponies all those years ago.

                                            “You see,” says Falafel. “My punishment for enslaving hundreds of ponies is that the descendants of my slaves are now being made to suffer. How horrible for me.”

                                            “What?” Twilight asks. “Would God really punish one person for the actions of another?”

                                            “Have you not read the Bible?” Falafel asks.

                                            “Okay, but… surely he wouldn’t punish a slaver by torturing and killing the very people he’s being punished for enslaving!”

                                            “Have you not read Exodus?”

                                            “Okay, but… do you at least feel bad about provoking God into slaughtering us in mass via Ritz Cracker?” Twilight asks Wyrdeer.

                                            “Nah, I’m good, fam.” Wyrdeer belches.

                                            “Damn it! And I still gotta have faith in this guy or I’ll die!”


                                            “Trixie!” Ritz Cracker shouts suddenly inside this castle he found or something. “It’s time for me to reveal my backstory.”

                                            “Kay”

                                            “See, this one time I got stuck in a pit without food so I ate my own magic and it made me all powerful!”

                                            “WTF? Then why aren’t we all eating our own magic.”

                                            “Because it also turned me evil. Now I want to devour everything. I will blow up the entire universe and eat it. That’s my motivation.”

                                            “Okay.”


                                            And then Rarity wakes up in the middle of the night. The element of generosity gives her the power to see the future, you see. And basically God tells her they can beat Ritz Cracker but only if Rarity goes full psycho, joins Ritz Cracker’s side, and starts slaughtering the innocent in his name.

                                            “Ah, fuck me!” Rarity screams. “Now I gotta go work for Ritz Cracker because that’s the faith thing to do.”

                                            “Well, you gotta have faith.” Applejack shrugs. “Even if it means slaughtering countless innocents.”

                                            “I know, right?” Rarity smirks. “Kek! Anyway, I’m off to join Ritz Cracker. I got faith, you know? Faaaaaaaaith!”

                                            And Rarity joins his side.

                                            “I’m joining you because I have faith I’ll win in the end!” Rarity shrieks.

                                            “Well I have no faith I’m going to win in the end or something because faith is for fools,” says Ritz Cracker. “So I’m going to let you join.”

                                            And then Rarity gets hit with the evil-beam.


                                            “I should probably go to all the other nations to get help,” says Applejack. “Later, Twilight! You guys are on your own. Gonna take me a loooooong time to walk aaaaaall the way over to the next nation.”

                                            “I could just teleport you there,” says Twilight.

                                            “Nah, I’m good! Journeying all the way to Beneviolet mountains has made me, Rarity and Dash strong. Our elements are strong and yours are weak so I gotta throw y’all into the fire. It’s you three who gotta do some pushups.”

                                            “What are you talking about, Applejack?” Twilight asks her. “I’m a million times stronger than you. Rarity and Dash are both evilfied so I’m not sure how–”

                                            “Later!”


                                            So Rainbow Dash and Rarity kill millions. Rarity stabs out Falafel‘s eyeballs but it’s okay because she’s secretly killing fewer ponies than Ritz Cracker wants her to and stuff.

                                            Then it’s time for Ritz Cracker to blow up Canterlot. He’s gotten way more powerful than before cause no one did anything.

                                            “Fighting him here wouldn’t be an act of Faith,” Celestia declares. “We’re evacuating the entire nation!”

                                            And then all of Equestria evacuates to the Crystal Empire’s one city. There’s just a hundred million ponies standing shoulder to shoulder up there now.

                                            Meanwhile, Twilight’s having a panic attack. She sees Rarity and Dash slaughtering the innocent and she becomes half as neurotic as season 9 Twilight was, screaming and rolling around on the floor as Canterlot explodes.

                                            “Perhaps we should attack him now?” Wyrdeer suggests. “Before he becomes even more powerful?”

                                            “How would that be having faith?” Celestia warns and she narrows her eyes to let us know she means business.

                                            “I don’t understand how attacking Ritz Cracker shows a lack of faith,” Twilight says.

                                            “It only counts as faith if you’re using the elements of harmony, Twilight,” says Celestia. “Besides, last time they nuked Ritz Cracker it was horrible! It reduced the planet to a wasteland forever.”

                                            “Then why isn’t the planet a wasteland now?” Twilight asks.

                                            “God just magically fixed it,” says Celestia, “because he’s omnipotent and could instantly end our suffering at any second. But I’m pretty sure he won’t just fix everything again. I mean, come on. How silly would it be if God just instantly fixed everything a second time.”

                                            “Well screw that, I’m gonna go beat Ritz Cracker up!”

                                            Wyrdeer and Twilight high-five and go to kill Ritz Cracker.

                                            “Faith is for fools!” Wyrdeer belches as they fly towards Ritz Cracker.


                                            Oh, speaking of people who could instantly end the threat of Ritz Cracker whenever they want to, Discord shows up and tells Ritz Cracker he’s just gonna sit this one out. So that’s why Discord doesn’t just destroy him cause like… chaos or something? I forget.


                                            Anyway! Wyrdeer and Twilight land in front of Ritz Cracker.

                                            “Faith is for fools.” Wyrdeer and Ritz Cracker belch in tandem.

                                            Then Twilight and Wyrdeer fire off a billion nuclear missiles. Like you have no idea how many nuclear missiles these two had. Putin is just sitting in the corner crying and screaming ‘make it stop’! the whole time. They literally reduce all of Equestria to radioactive ashes.

                                            By then the dust settles and Ritz Cracker is fine. He just cocks his eyebrow, smirks and is like “Topkek! You missed!”

                                            “How could I have lost?!” Wyrdeer belches. “I had no faith!”

                                            “It’s because faith is for fools!” Ritz Cracker belches. “I had less faith than you!”

                                            “Hey that’s mine line!”

                                            Then Ritz Cracker kills Wyrdeer and God drop-kicks Wyrdeer’s ass straight into Hell because he didn’t have enough faith. Just to make sure you don’t think he’s being punished for being a slaver, Wyrdeer’s slaver brother shows up in Twilight’s dream and he’s in heaven.


                                            Twilight goes crawling back to Celestia’s castle and apologizes for not having faith. Celestia slaps her and tells her that magic isn’t about making the world your bitch… it’s friendship.

                                            “Oh, okay,” says Twilight. And now she’s become ultimate magic.


                                            So like, this whole time Fluttershy’s been trying to heal Pinkie who’s sick with depression poison. The element of kindness gives you healing powers but they’re not working on Pinkie.

                                            “Be healed!” Fluttershy keeps slapping her, but Pinkie just keeps crying and projectile vomiting blood and tar in every direction. “Be! Healed!”

                                            “But Fluttershy! I’m naked and afraid! We’re all gonna die!” Pinkie screams.

                                            “I know.” Fluttershy smirks. “Isn’t it awesome?”

                                            “Say wuuuuuuuh?” Pinkie stops vomiting for five seconds.

                                            “Death is the coolest thing ever! God wants all of us to die and you get to go to heaven when you die! A swift death is the best possible thing! I hope everyone dies!” Fluttershy laughs and laughs.

                                            “Then uh… why are we trying to stop Ritz Cracker from blowing up the universe?” Pinkie asks. “If we’re all just going to go to heaven…”

                                            “Because it’s not cool when that POSER Ritz Cracker does it!” Fluttershy snaps her eyes on Pinkie. “I want everypony to die on MY terms, not his little bitch’s.”

                                            “Uh…. Okay.” Pinkie barfs. “I guess I’m reassured.”

                                            “And you know what? Praising mass death and destruction made me realize why I can’t heal you! It’s because I don’t love the fact that you’re in horrible pain, drowning in depression and your own vomit. It’s a good thing you’re like this!”

                                            Pinkie pukes blood right into Fluttershy’s face.

                                            “Yes! More barf!” Fluttershy raises her hooves. “And now that I love your disease and have come to see it as a good thing, I can destroy it!”

                                            Fluttershy obtains ultimate kindness.

                                            “That-“ *pukes* “-makes no sense!”

                                            But it works anyway and Pinkie is healed. Not only that she’s become more powerful than ever! She’s a nigh-omnipotent alicorn now! The element of laughter gives you the power to mind-rape people and now Pinkie has become ultimate laughter.


                                            Pinkie teleports behind Ritz Cracker but instead of killing him instantly, she just throws a pie in his face.

                                            Ritz Cracker tries to attack her but slips on a banana peel. Pinkie just trolls him for an hour with whoopie cushions and whip cream and she draws a dick on his face. Basically, Ritz Cracker is just her bitch at this point. Ritz Cracker is so pathetic now that all the tension he had as a villain is completely gone. Seriously, I feel bad for that loser at this point.

                                            “I could destroy you at any second, Ritz Cracker,” says Pinkie Pie. “But that wouldn’t be an act of FAITH! No… I’m going to kill you later when all of my friends are here.”

                                            “Faith is for fools,” Ritz Cracker belches his catch phrase.

                                            Then Pinkie teleports away, taking Trixie but none of the other mind controlled prisoners with her. Then they heal Trixie and it's all good.


                                            So now Ritz Cracker knows God, Pinkie Pie and Discord could all instantly kill him at any second they choose. But in what is ironically the biggest leap of faith in the story, Ritz Cracker decides to attack the Crystal Empire anyway.

                                            Then the siege of the Crystal Empire begins. God, Pinkie, and Discord are all just playing Mario Kart 8 so he’s doing pretty well at first. Dash and Rarity are slaughtering a ton of people and stuff.

                                            But then freaking Applejack shows up with the everycreature diversity hires and ruins everything. They affirmative action the shit out of Ritz Cracker who has to run away. Dash and Rarity get healed cause Fluttershy can heal anything now.

                                            Applejack declares that diversity is our strength and that shit is so true she becomes ultimate Honesty.

                                            So everybody’s like “Yo, Rarity. Was it really necessary to kill so many people working for Ritz Cracker?”

                                            Rarity’s like, “Yes! Because turning evil is the ultimate act of generosity. Think about it! I’M giving up my morals to kill all of YOU and prevent an even bigger disaster. You’re welcome! Also faith.”

                                            And everybody just nods along to that. God agrees with Rarity’s argument and she becomes ultimate generosity.

                                            Then Dash is like, “Blarg! What was my character arc again?”

                                            But nobody remembers. And Dash is like “Well whatever. I’m ultimate loyalty now!”

                                            And now all the mane six are omnipotent alicorns.


                                            Okay, so now there’s EIGHT omnipotent people on the one side and then Ritz Cracker on the other. He’s still cackling about how he has no faith whatsoever but still he thinks he can take them.

                                            Of course he fucking can’t. The last battle isn’t even close. The Mane 6 just river stomp on that guy’s spine for a half hour while he screams and cries. And now that no one needs him, Discord shows up and starts punching him. Poor Ritz Cracker is just crying.

                                            He doesn’t even get a single hit in. That’s it. Pwned.

                                            Then the Mane 6 put him in time out until he ‘learns to love’ and promise to come visit him in prison this time.

                                            “Wait! I don’t get eternal punishment?” Ritz Cracker asks. “I thought this was a Christian story!”

                                            “Nah, apparently we’re Sikhs,” says Twilight.

                                            See, cause in Sikhism you either go to heaven or reincarnate so really this cosmology is more like that.

                                            So now the mane 6 look out at the vast wasteland of Equestria. They look up at their horns, recalling they have absolute omnipotence now and briefly wonder if they should at least get rid of the radiation.

                                            “Nah!” Twilight cackles. “That’d be upsetting the natural order! LOLOLOL!”

                                            “TOPKEK!” They all start howling with laughter. “LMFAO! JK! ROFLE COPTER GOES SWORP!”

                                            And they’re laughing and laughing but then finally God shows up and he’s like, “WTF guys? Look, you have my permission to fix this shit, okay?”

                                            So then the Mane 6 cast the reset spell. All the buildings rebuild themselves. They bring the dead back to life and basically everything goes back to the way it was.

                                            But they don’t get rid of cancer or anything like that, because despite God himself directly giving them permission to do anything they want with their powers… they still feel like that would be upsetting the ‘natural order’ which of course trumps God.


                                            Then Discord has the gall to look directly into the camera and tell me this was a good story.


                                            I give this story five out of five psycho’s! Basically… it was incredible! The message of faith resonated in me and convinced me to convert to Sikhism.

                                            Or perhaps the moral of the story was to be more specific about where you’re supposed to place your faith.


                                            Tune in next time when I review Project Horizons! Same psycho time, same psycho place!