Ponyville's Sexologist

 

"Can you fucking repeat that, Anon?"

 

Without hesitation, he obliged. "What are the risks if I put my dick in Twilight's ear and fuck her brain?"

 

Redheart groaned and rubbed her temple. "You know, Anon, when I accepted this job-" She gently tapped the plate sitting on her desk. It read 'Nurse Redheart, Sexologist'. "-I was expecting some weird requests and questions, but *this*."

 

"What? Better I ask before making a mistake, isn't it?" said Anon, shrugging.

 

She frowned. "Technically, you're right. But think a bit before asking me such questions! *Fucking her brain*? Seriously? H-How do you even think about this?"

 

"I mean, it's as good a hole as another?"

 

"You have problems, Anon. I swear, you're the only creature that asks me such things! Last week a mare came for advice to better deepthroat her stallion. This is the boldest it got this month. You? If I remember correctly, the least shocking thing you asked me was if there exists a way to increase the amount of cum you can produce without magic."

 

"I hate how magic feels on my balls," he said with a wince. "It's tingly and itchy."

 

"Whatever. You cannot fuck her brain," said Redheart, punctuating each word with a tap on her desk.

 

He let out a sigh; shoulders slumped, and looked down. Then his eyes raised slightly to the Nurse. "Can I still try?"

 

Redheart slammed both her hooves on her face. "No! Why would you even want to?"

 

"Well, last night we were having fun together, and, you know, I like to toy a bit with her ears. They're so fluffy and-"

 

"Get to the point."

 

"-yes. So I had my fingers in her ear and I don't really know what happend but she slipped - she was sitting on my lap, you see? - and accidentally my fingers entered deep into her ear." He wriggled two digits in front of Redheart, who grimaced. "I remember touching something weird, it was warm and a bit sticky."

 

"Too much information, Anon."

 

"Okay, sorry. So, when I touched it, she made a cute noise, and one of her eye went all like that mail mare... Derpy?"

 

"Holy Princesses, you mean Ditzy Doo?!"

 

"Yeah, her. It was a bit funny, so I did it again, same result. Twilight didn't complain too much. Actually, I think she was as interested as I was. So I ended up fingering her ear all night. It was pretty hot, to be honest."

 

Redheart's right eye twitched. She stared Anon up and down, jaw slack. "H-How she is, now?"

 

He shrugged again. "She's fine. She complained a bit about a headache this morning, but I'm sure she would be up for it again."

 

"Please don't," said Redheart, resting her head on a hoof. "This really can't be good. Please, could you come again with Twilight so I could take a look on her?"

 

"Don't worry, she's doing researches on the matter already," said Anon with a grin.

 

That was actually very worrying. "I'd prefer if she did not experiment by herself. I know Princess Sparkle is a very capable pony, but this concerns her health. So again, please come with her next time. Sooner rather than later."

 

"Will do, Doc'," Anon said as he got up from his chair.

 

"I'm not a Doctor; I'm still just a nurse. And don't forget: do not put your dick in her ear until I can get a look at her!"

 

Hand on the door handle, Anon stopped and smiled at her. "I won't stick my dick in her brain, promise."

 

-----

 

"I stuck my dick in her brain..."

 

Redheart stared in horror at the Princess of Friendship, currently seated on the edge of her examination table. Anon was by her side, gently holding her with an arm around her shoulders to prevent her from falling. Twilight Sparkle had a faraway look on her face, a bit of saliva drooling from her slightly open mouth. She would sometimes emit a small gurgle, or try to say some unintelligible words, but Redheart had no way to know if she did that on purpose or if it was instinctive.

 

"I told you to come see me before trying this stupid shit, Anon!" the Nurse yelled when she finally recover from the shock.

 

"Yeah, I know but she wasn't like that after the first time."

 

"The first time it was just your fingers!"

 

"No, I mean the first time I tried with my dick."

 

"What do you mean the first time?!"

 

Redheart looked at the human, and he looked back at her. Anon could read fear, worry and shock in the nurse's eyes. Redheart, on her part, could only see sheer stupidity in Anon's.

 

She shook her head and decided to focus on the vegetative princess. "O-Okay, when did you do this?"

 

"You mean the first tim-"

 

"Anon!"

 

"At six this morning when I woke up."

 

"That's two hours ago. As she been in this state the whole time?"

 

He looked at Twilight and rubbed the back of his neck. "Uh, more or less, yes."

 

"What do you mean, 'more or less'?" said Redheart with a scowl. "Have you tried talking with her?"

 

Anon turned to Twilight and tried to get her attention. "Hey, Twilly? Are you alright?"

 

Redheart watched as Twilight slowly turned her head to Anon, smiled dumbly and uttered: "Gu pebll ban." A flow of saliva trickled down to the floor but the nurse paid it no attention. Instead, her gaze was focused on Twilight's ear.

 

She reared up and gently held Twilight's head in place to take a better look at the auditory canal. An off-white liquid was oozing from it. She frowned, and brought a hoof up to touch it. She had no doubt about what this was; she just didn't want to acknowledge the fact.

 

"Anon... what is this?" she asked, pointing to the suspicious fluid.

 

He leaned forward and looked. "Oh that's probably cum. Mine."

 

Redheart opened her mouth, then shut it. She tried to speak again, but failed once more. It's not that she couldn't speak, but she simply couldn't proceed an appropriate answer to that.

 

"Don't look at me like that," said Anon, wiping some of Twilight's drool from where it landed on his jeans. "I had to pull out the first time; I wanted to know how it felt to stay in."

 

The nurse finally got a hold of herself and shouted. "You *came* in the princess's *brain*?!"

 

"Jeez, Red'. Don't shout like that!" said Anon, holding close a startled Twilight. "You scared her!"

 

Redheart buried her face in her hooves and counted slowly in her head, breathing in time to calm herself. "Okay, Anon, I'm going to make a magical scan of her head. Did she eat something this morning?"

 

"Nah, she was still sleeping when I started fucking her."

 

Horrified, she stared at him with pinprick-sized pupils. "Anon, not only that's dangerous and stupid of you, but it's illegal!"

 

To her dismay, he chuckled and waved a hand in front of him. "Nah, don't worry, she agreed with me doing stuff in her sleep. She even made a contract with me."

 

This wasn't exactly reassuring, but she decided to wipe out this part of her memory. She'll just focus on getting Twilight back to her normal self and ignore any further comments from Anon. "Alright, I'll go fetch the scanner. Watch her while I'm gone. And for Twilight's sake *please* don't do anything else to her!"

 

Anon nodded and she left the room. Looking around for the scanner, she quickly found it in an unoccupied room. She had to ask for doctor Horse's help to get the heavy console rolling to her office though, and so, when the doctor entered the room his eyes fell on Twilight.

 

"By the princesses, what happen to her?"

 

"Well, she-" started Redheart, but she was cut short by Anon.

 

"I fucked her head and came in her brain."

 

Horse just stood there, expressionless. He stared in silence at Anon, then at Twilight, and then at Redheart. No one uttered a word as the stallion slowly walked backward and past the door, slowly shaking his head at the nurse all this time.

 

When the door finally shut, Redheart turned to Anon and walked up to him. She jabbed a hoof in his belly, eyes throwing daggers and nostrils flared. "From now on, I don't want to hear a single further word coming out of your mouth unless I ask you, do you understand?"

 

"I-"

 

"Do. You. *Understand*?" she said, throwing him a glare that screamed 'I'll cut your balls off myself if you dare even humming your answer.'

 

Anon reeled back and nodded vigorously.

 

"Fine. Now let me work."

 

She grabbed a set of electrodes linked to the scanner and carefully placed them on the sides of Twilight's head. She then opened a hatch on the back of the machine, checking that the crystals were still powered with enough magic to work for the full duration of the process. After a few more manipulations, the scanner started humming. A couple of minutes later a sheet of paper scrolled out of a slot. Redheart grabbed it and started reading the results.

 

"... Oh, that's... curious."

 

"What?" asked Anon, completely forgetting Redheart's silent threat to his virility.

 

"Here, look," she said, pointing to a blue line on a graphic. "This. It's her dopamine levels."

 

Anon looked, but all he could see was that the line was blue, and it was rather straight, compared to the others. Redheart noticed his confusion, and explained.

 

"It's her pleasure levels. Here it's way much over the average, and it's quite stable. Dude, she's having a fucking blast right now!"

 

Both looked at the princess. She still had that faraway look, and her tongue had started lolling out of her mouth after the nurse had moved her head.

 

"She doesn't look like she's having much pleasure here, she just looks stupid." Anon said.

 

Redheart walked to Twilight and helped her put her tongue back in place. "That's because she's completely stoned, her brain is short-circuited with the dopamine."

 

"So she's brainless?"

 

"Kind of, yes. She probably won't remember everything after that. She will definitely remember *some* things, though." She looked back at the sheet she still held in her hooves. She was deeply focused on the chart, examining each line of information it provided her. "Really interesting..." she murmured.

 

"What was that?" said Anon, who was looking more closely at Twilight's face; the princess kind of staring back at him with a dopey grin.

 

"Nothing!" Redheart said. She dropped the paper and trotted back to Twilight. "She won't stay like that forever, thankfully. The dopamine levels are going down steadily. Expect a return to normal this evening."

 

Anon gripped his chin between two fingers and looked at the princess up and down. "So, should I give her a refill before then?"

 

Redheart raised a hoof to kick the human but stopped herself in time and instead stomped at the floor. A tile cracked. "Neight! Anon I swear if you pull your dick out of your pants before tomorrow I'll cut it off!"

 

Anon, like the smart man he was, decided to take the Nurse's threat seriously. Redheart was nuts enough to actually do it, and he wasn't willing to take the risk. "Alright, I won't do anything! What should I do then?"

 

Redheart rubbed the bridge of her muzzle and sat down. "Take her home, make her sit comfortably and wait. Maybe help her to drink so she won't get dehydrated. She can wait until tonight to eat something by herself. If something happens, or if she doesn't get better by tomorrow, come back with her. Understand?"

 

He nodded. "Okay. Thanks, Red'."

 

She watched as he gently picked Twilight up in his arms and walked out. The door didn't close right away as the head of an orange mare passed the frame. Redheart immediately recognized Carrot Top and remembered she had an appointment with her. "Oh, Carrot, please enter!" Both mares stepped to the desk, each taking a seat, then Redheart asked: "So, what brings you here this morning?"

 

"Well, I wanted some advice," she said, rubbing her forehooves together. "But it's a bit embarrassing... I don't want to sound like a p-pervert, you see?"

 

Redheart rolled her eyes. "Quite frankly, I doubt anything you can say would shock me."

 

"Oh, ok. So, uh, sh-should I... try anal?"

 

*To be honest,* thought Redheart, *without Anon, this job would be boring.*