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Anon's Sexcellent Adventure

By ShockAndCringe
Created: 2022-08-09 22:24:24
Updated: 2023-07-08 07:55:07
Expiry: Never
ocnsfwcomedyclopwip/rgm/detective

  1. >"Eek!"
  2. >You grab the mare forcefully, throwing her, belly up, towards the ground.
  3. >One hand is holding her neck against the floor, the other on one of her forehooves.
  4. >She involuntarily presents herself to you from her position, giving you an amazing view of her goods.
  5. >Ample teats, pullable dock, tight pussy.
  6. >You only get a glance before she closes her legs and flicks her tail over her body.
  7. >Eh, you'll be seeing more of that soon.
  8. >Already your pants are becoming uncomfortably tight.
  9. >This is what happens when a mf doesn't get wet in six years.
  10. >That and being surrounded by mostly naked female equines in this strange land, teasing you with their plump rumps and flashes of their puffy marehoods.
  11. >Now you can actually get some.
  12. >You first take off your shirt, revealing your smooth skin underneath.
  13. >Her eyes open wider.
  14. >Then, you pull off your pants with vigor, followed by your undergarments, presenting your leaking and rock hard cock.
  15. >Upon seeing that, realization dawns upon the mare's face as she begins to struggle and scream.
  16. >Bad idea.
  17. >She tries to fly away, being a pegasus and all that, but muh human strength allows you to hold her within your grip.
  18. >Her remaining free foreleg tries smacking you to no avail, while her hind legs are still locked in place to prevent you from gaining access.
  19. >Those could do some damage, but you know that if she were to open them, you'd just push your body closer enough to nullify bucks.
  20. >You choke her a bit to show that you're not messing around, and your hand that was holding her foreleg goes to grip the fragile bone in one of her wings when it flares out.
  21. "Don't."
  22. >The threat is enough to make her shut up and stop moving.
  23. >The wings of a pegasus are extremely sensitive; snapping the bone would cause great distress, maybe even enough for one to go unconscious.
  24. "Good."
  25. >It's only morning, you're in this mare's shop on one of the least busiest streets, the door is closed, binds pulled down: it's perfect for you to go down to town.
  26. >Tears are streaming from her face as you gently place a finger on her lips.
  27. "Shhhhhh. Open up, or else it's going to be worse."
  28. >Still her legs are closed.
  29. >A good smack to the muzzle rectifies the problem.
  30. >Her legs shakily open up as your hand pulls the tail down to once again to show your spoils.
  31. >This is it.
  32. >Six motherfucking years.
  33. >Still gripping her throat, your other hand returns to your crotch to assist in your docking.
  34. >Her eyes are wide open, shining with tears, watching as you begin the procedure of raping her.
  35. >As you can feel your dick enter her folds, you can't help but let out a grunt at the pleasure.
  36. >So damn tight, although a bit dry.
  37. >Wait a minute...
  38. >You push all the way in, hilting as your thighs smack against the mare's.
  39. >It feels as if you're using a condom — a really thick one.
  40. >You can feel something moving around your member, although it's very subtle, almost to the point where you have to concentrate to notice it.
  41. >Is this the power of horsepussy?
  42. >Cause it sucks ass.
  43. >Might as well continue. It's a tad bit too late to ask for backsies.
  44. >You begin to machine the rubber-like pussy.
  45. >In, out. In, out, In, out.
  46. >It's not that comfortable, to say the least. But it is getting better as your precum starts to lubricate the insides, letting you slide in and out pretty easily.
  47. >You got a beat going, the only sounds in the room are your grunting and the smacks of flesh.
  48. >...you're not getting off to this.
  49. >So, you do the only plausible thing: you go faster.
  50. >Faster faster faster-
  51. >As your dick hits the end of the rubber pussy for the twelve hundredth time, it suddenly pops, your penis finding itself inside a very warm embrace.
  52. >It seizes upon you, forcing a grunt out of your mouth.
  53. >So damn tight.
  54. >Then it begins to rhythmically move in a manner that makes you conclude that it's trying to milk you.
  55. >You just want to stay in it forever, teasing it with the possibility of being breeded.
  56. >But you also can't deny yourself, either.
  57. >Pulling back, it continues to tighten in a bid to keep you in.
  58. >You pause at the entrance, feeling the labia nip at the head.
  59. >Pushing back in, the walls are parted again as you can feel your sensitive head rub against them.
  60. >You place one of your hands to the ground for support as you push through the tinges of pleasure to hilt all the way.
  61. >The feeling of your head kissing the cervix is one of complete bliss.
  62. >That, and the spasm it sends through the vice around your penis.
  63. >An electric feeling flies through your spine, with something deep below you crying for more.
  64. >You slowly pull back, feeling the walls once again tighten.
  65. >Stopping with only your tip in, you push in again with more ease, as more of the bodily fluids begin to slick the inside of the mare's vagina.
  66. >Something inside your brain cracks, opening the floodgates for a primitive part to arise as you begin to viciously pound the mare underneath you.
  67. >You instinctively take your hand off her throat and place it opposite of your other hand across the mare, completing your dominating posture.
  68. >It also gives you an even better position to continue hammering at her marehood.
  69. >As you continue, you feel something rub against your cock every now and then.
  70. >You don't know what it is, but the extra simulation feels amazing.
  71. >You also may have a new addiction.
  72. >Suddenly, you feel as if your dick is tangled by a boa constrictor as the walls seize, hard, around it.
  73. >But the extra pressure feels extra good, and like the good boy you are, you continue to punish the mare for the natural reaction.
  74. >It starts to get really sloppy in there too, more fluids gushing into the hole to fill each crevice.
  75. >To your disappointment, after what seems like minutes in heaven, the walls loosen enough to not choke out your dick.
  76. >And you somehow didn't climax. Must be from all those times jerking yourself off that you've gotten desensitized.
  77. >Or maybe your dick is broken.
  78. >You should see a doctor after this or something.
  79. >Out of the pleasurable haze, you focus on your victim only to react with surprise, sprinkled with a little bit of confusion.
  80. >On her face is plastered a frown, as she just stares at you.
  81. >A little blush too, but she's just looking at you.
  82. >She turns away once she sees you watching her.
  83. >But no erotic face, no moans, nothing.
  84. >A blank face with two sets of eyeballs that had once faced you, wide open.
  85. >She's not even crying anymore.
  86. >Dafuq?
  87. >You slow down your pace as you continue to take in her expression.
  88. >Something about it just makes you feel flaccid.
  89. >Well, you are raping her, so pleasuring her isn't what your intention is. Pleasuring yourself is the top goal here, which you are achieving.
  90. >But, she did orgasm within a minute, all without a single peep.
  91. >The fact that happened really hits your ego for some reason.
  92. >You're mostly pulled from the fucking as your brain runs through a few different scenarios.
  93. >Maybe she's one of those apathetic people?
  94. >Still...
  95. >You don't know if orgasms will elicit such a reaction from a person — er, pony.
  96. >Or was it so good her brain disconnected from reality and she's just set in some standby mode.
  97. >Racking your brain, you conclude that it isn't possible, as she made zero sound as you entered her.
  98. >Wack.
  99. >Something tugs the corner of your brain as you're brought out of your thoughts.
  100. >Oh well, at least you feel good as hell.
  101. >You pull back for a second, head still in, as you take a short pause.
  102. >Your hips are getting sore as hell from this, doing all the work.
  103. >Not that you can complain or anything.
  104. >Hmm, your thighs are also dry, as if nothing poured out from that orgasm.
  105. >Felt like a lot of fluids, though.
  106. >Throwing your thoughts to the wind, you begin to plunge back in when the door is suddenly busted down.
  107. >Fu-!
  108. >"Halt-"
  109. >Before the rest of the sentence is completed, your well lubricated cock slides deep into the mare.
  110. >The walls eagerly react at your reentry, thrumming around your member in an attempt to try to drain it.
  111. >"-Hnnng!"
  112. >You just stay, hilted, there.
  113. >The guardsmare, meanwhile, trembles as you sort of just keep your position while looking at her.
  114. >Eventually, she recovers and speaks.
  115. >She's got a furious blush going on.
  116. >"S-stop right there, scum! Release the mare and come peacefully!"
  117. >Then her horn lights up to signal that she isn't messing around.
  118. >Well, shit.
  119. >Somehow, you got caught. In a compromising position, too.
  120. >How the fuck did she even know where you were? It's barely the wee hours of the morning with literally no one around on the streets, last you checked.
  121. >Which was about five minutes ago, give or take.
  122. >With a defeated sigh, you slowly begin to pull out of the mare.
  123. >Halfway through, the mare, the one encased in armor, makes a noise.
  124. >"Ah!"
  125. >You pause.
  126. >Now that you actually look at her, the horn is now dim, while her face is completely red.
  127. >Not from her coat, mind you.
  128. >Your eyes run lower to see a trail of liquid leading from the doorway to beneath her hind legs.
  129. >Even now you can see some fluids still dripping from her backside.
  130. >Wait a minute...
  131. >"H-hey! I told yo-you to release the ma-!"
  132. >You thrust back into the other mare.
  133. >"-Hah!"
  134. >Her back legs tremble for a bit, as another string of fluids runs down between her legs.
  135. >Ok, now something really fucking funky is going on.
  136. >Even the mare underneath you is looking at the guardsmare, confusion now her expression.
  137. >You inspect where your dick should be meeting the marehood, and to your utter surprise you can see that there's a sort of slight haziness, or blurriness, around your member.
  138. >Continuing your inspection, you quickly pull out, eliciting another moan from the armored mare, as you then take a look at your manhood.
  139. >Yup, it's completely soaking wet, but if you look at the mare's nethers, you see that it's a bit wet, probably since she's turned on by your actions, but not sopping wet from what one would expect from an orgasm.
  140. >And that haze is gone.
  141. >The sound of a horn lighting up alerts you to your situation once again.
  142. >You turn to see a very angry guardsmare pointing her horn at you, excitement still dripping onto the floor.
  143. >GAMEPLAN TIME!
  144. >Before she can do whatever unicorns can do with their horns, you plunge back into the folds, which in turn begin to tighten at your presence.
  145. >"Hnng!"
  146. >Ha, she does love it.
  147. >But your plan works: the spell she was charging drops.
  148. >Spoke too soon, she's trying to do it again.
  149. >This time, you take hold of the mare in front of you-
  150. >"-Eek!"
  151. >-and begin furiously pounding.
  152. >Like, hilting all the way and almost pulling completely out.
  153. >You impact her cervix with every thrust, pushing it inwards a bit, while constantly stimulating her walls, sending jolts of pure bliss all over her.
  154. >The horn instantly turns off.
  155. >"N- ah! -Nooooo- hah! -oooooooooo!"
  156. >You can see that your thrusts are pushing her forward, bit by bit, with her hind legs lifting to the tips from each savage push.
  157. >She tries to steady herself using her forelegs, but since you're turning her brain into mush, she only manages to clumsily pad at the ground.
  158. >Then you try to rub the clit.
  159. >The effect is immediate, her moans begin to reach a feverish high as a familiar feeling surrounds your cock.
  160. >You take advantage of it, never letting your pace down, slamming through the resistance.
  161. >That means using your arms to move the mare underneath you in unison.
  162. >Fleshy wacks begin to blend together as your hips slam into the mare's while squelching and rapid gasps come from the guardmare.
  163. >The guardsmare topples over, rear up with her hind legs locked, as she wails out in ecstasy, words becoming a foreign concept to the sensually overwhelmed pony.
  164. >Her insides are moving at an extremely rapid pace that a familiar feeling starts welling up inside you.
  165. >Can't finish now, though. Unicorn with scary horn still here.
  166. >The extra simulation from the speed is making it really hard to contain yourself.
  167. >"Ahhhhhhhhh!"
  168. >The smell of lilacs blooms throughout the room before she finally collapses, her hind legs giving away, into a puddle of her own juices, sweat, and drool.
  169. >The only signs of life are the slow, steady breaths and subtle movement of her body as she unconsciously takes breathe.
  170. >You begin to pull out, in preparation for more thru-
  171. >"Nngah!"
  172. >The mare beneath you quickly covers her mouth with her hooves and blushes a furious red.
  173. >Her eyes are focused intently on you.
  174. >You can feel a hunger behind them.
  175. >A sudden heat emblazes itself around the part of you that is... inside her?
  176. >You confirm it with a quick peek; dripping and engorged lips are indeed hugging your member.
  177. >Then, a nub peeks itself through the lips, parting them to reveal the pink insides and sending a jolt of pleasure through you as it rubs itself against you.
  178. >The mare must also feel something too, as she instantly starts to writhe at its appearance.
  179. >You begin to start pumping once again.
  180. >Still gotta finish, can't blueball yourself when there's an opportunity here.
  181. >"H- gah! -how are you st- nnh! -still going!?"
  182. >You grin at her.
  183. "Human stamina, baby."
  184. >You say, before smothering her body and face with yours, knocking the hooves out of her pretty face, your hands touching and groping all over her silky body.
  185. >Got a firm, yet slightly squishy body. In other words: it's perfect.
  186. >She squirms under the ministrations, her increasingly hot breath washing across your face as she gasps.
  187. >"Gah~!"
  188. >One of your hands finds itself dancing across her primaries while the other is underneath a wing, rubbing the seldom touched part of the body.
  189. >These sensitive spots only make the mare moan out more in pleasure, her forelegs hooking around the back of your neck.
  190. >They pull you in deeper; you give her small nips around the base of her neck and slowly begin to travel upwards.
  191. >Her tongue reveals itself as she pants, her breathing hitching in time with your thrusts.
  192. >You take the opportunity to suckle on it when you reach her mouth, tasting chocolate.
  193. >The desire to invade her mouth to flood yours with the taste of deliciousness increases rapidly.
  194. >Although you don't have to wait.
  195. >She knows it's wrong, you know it's wrong, but she can't stop herself from pulling you into a deep, lust filled kiss; her mouth slobbering all over your face when she quite often misses your lips.
  196. >You don't care, her scent is amazing and getting stronger with every passing second.
  197. >As you are fucking her face with yours, you can feel the tightening presence of her orgasm coming about.
  198. >You pause in the face slopping to experience the providence in your lower end.
  199. >As you push past the pressure, the mare's eyes roll back up into her head as she enters a state of divine feeling.
  200. >You can feel hot liquids drench your legs in spurts, which completely cover your thighs and wet her lower rump. The smell of lilacs in the room are pushed out in favor for a more chocolate fragrance.
  201. >It's only for a bit before the feeling resides.
  202. >Her pupils slowly return to you, showing a mix of desire and lust.
  203. >You know what she wants.
  204. >When you connect once again, it's a perfect suction, allowing your tongues to wrestle with one another in a bid for dominance.
  205. >You gain the upper hand when you disarm her defense with hits at her cervix, letting you explore her entire mouth to relish in its flavor.
  206. >The two of you finally break free when breath runs out.
  207. >Her tongue immediately spills out, the coat on her face matted from the impromptu makeout session giving her a very sexy look.
  208. >By now her wings are fully outstretched to their max, twitching as you continue ravaging her.
  209. >Your hands have now found themselves squeezing her voluptuous backside and nipples, making her gasp out every time they sink into the flesh and earning you some milk.
  210. >Once again you can feel a familiar feeling coming about again, and you are determined to give yourself release.
  211. >You bury your face into her mane, taking a deep inhale of her scent as you begin your final performance.
  212. >The ministrations are dropped in favor for holding the mare down as you increase your speed.
  213. >Her gasps and moans turn to nothing but gibberish as you finally hilt and paint her walls white.
  214. >The sensation of being filled also sends her over the edge for a second time, the walls milking you for it's worth.
  215. >Your body collapses atop the now unconscious mare, and you slowly begin to drift off after being completely spent.
  216. >It was two mares, after all.
  217. >What you don't hear is the increasingly growing sounds of sabots impacting ground.
  218. >...
  219. >You are stuck in a jail cell, so you must be Anonymous.
  220. >So, apparently after you got knocked out by the two mares, that first guard who you fucked into a daze had actually called backup before she confronted you.
  221. >Should've seen that coming, honestly.
  222. >Alas, you ended up being roughly dragged, hosed down, and thrown in a cold ass cell.
  223. >At least they gave you your clothes back.
  224. >Washed it too, because you're pretty sure they were spoiled after what had happened in the morning.
  225. >Anyways, you're not stuck in a cell awaiting your trial.
  226. >The guy whose been watching over you since morning has been completely silent, even after you tried to elicit something from him.
  227. >Can't blame him for not wanting to talk to a rapist.
  228. >Leaves you bored as fuck, though.
  229. >The cell's only furnished with a bed and toilet.
  230. >There's at least a privacy wall between the toilet and cell gate, but with your height, it only covers to the lower torso.
  231. >It's sort of big, as you can stretch out horizontally without touching the ends of the cell, with a good amount to spare, too.
  232. >But nothing to do.
  233. >So you find yourself laying on your sparse bed, which is more akin to a mattress than anything, thinking back on the earlier events of the day.
  234. >Man, these ponies are really something else.
  235. >Super tight, super scent, super bodies, super everything.
  236. >It's hard to remember what exactly went down, with all the pleasure you were lost in, but you know one thing: it was amazing.
  237. >You can already feel yourself getting hard at the thought of their moans and gasps when you penetrated them.
  238. >Damn, you can't get enough. You want more.
  239. >Now you've paid the price in the cold cell of a dungeon.
  240. >You're really not too sure where you are, to be honest.
  241. >You were kind of out of it until some motherfucker hosed you down with ice cold water.
  242. >By then you were in the dungeons, so there was no way to finding out where you exactly were.
  243. >You've probably been here for over 10 hours, but you can't really keep accurate track of the time, with there being no windows.
  244. >That and you being knocked out for god knows how long.
  245. >You let out a sigh. Probably your millionth since you've been here.
  246. >This time, the guard looks back at you with a glare, then disgust.
  247. >You didn't even bother hiding your boner, so your pants are tented for any gawkers to see.
  248. >He then turns back around and snorts out his nose.
  249. >Well, at least you got a reaction out of him.
  250. >You return to your empty musings for a while before a new sound breaks you out of them.
  251. >The heavy wooden door at the end of the hallway, to your right, creaks open, sending the sound echoing in the empty dungeon.
  252. >Out steps-
  253. >Holy shit, it's that guardsmare.
  254. >She doesn't even spare you a glance as she marches up to the guard with only a little odd gait, like her rear legs aren't working well.
  255. >"You sure you want to do this?"
  256. >"I'm sure."
  257. >"Don't just say that. We all know what you went through, and it's fine if you don't need to. Tartarus, you weren't even on the roster for night shift. Look, I'll ta-"
  258. >"I'm fine!"
  259. >The guy horse lets out a sigh.
  260. >"Fine. Don't do anything stupid."
  261. >With that, he hands over the mare the keys to your cell, which she promptly tucks under her wing.
  262. >She takes his place as the stallion exits.
  263. >The ominous thudding of the door slowly reverberates throughout the cold dungeon.
  264. >Oh fuck. This is not good.
  265. >Trapped in a cell with a most likely pissed as hell unicorn on the other side of the bars.
  266. >Just as those thoughts cross your mind, she turns around to face you.
  267. >She glares at you through the bars, eyes piercing straight into your soul, banging her armored hoof horizontally across them.
  268. >"Well well well, if it isn't mister rapist!"
  269. >Oh shit, bad cop.
  270. >"Oh, I'm sooo going to enjoy watching you rot in a cell."
  271. >She punctuates that with a slam on the ground.
  272. >"But for now, I think I'll have a little fun here."
  273. >With that, her horn lights up.
  274. >OH FUCK!
  275. >There's no escape in this shitty fucking cell!
  276. >You can only back yourself up against the wall and watch as a wisp of magic flies towards you.
  277. >It wraps itself around...
  278. >Your dick?
  279. >Then that bitch tries to yank it off!
  280. >What the fuck!
  281. >You protectively put your hands around your crotch.
  282. >She simply tsks as the magic dissolves.
  283. >"Damn shame I can't just rip it off."
  284. >Then she gives you a small smile.
  285. >"You still have a trial to attend. I'll be sure to make sure you go all the way down for what you did. Then I'll enjoy every second of watching over you where nopony will miss you."
  286. >Shit. It's over.
  287. >You're gonna get tortured and killed by this crazy bitch.
  288. >With a sigh and slump in your shoulders, you finally speak.
  289. "I deserve it."
  290. >That damned smile grows bigger.
  291. >"I know. I'll be waiting"
  292. >With that, she turns back to the guarding position and sits her rump down.
  293. >For some reason, the backside is unarmored, with the metal sheets only covering the sides and folding back a tiny bit.
  294. >Those sizable rumps expand slightly when they touch the floor, pushing the metal to the sides to further enhance the shape.
  295. >Annnnd there goes your blood to the lower body.
  296. >Fuck it. Might as well relieve yourself.
  297. >A small struggle later and you pull out your already rock hard flesh scepter.
  298. >As you clasp your dick with your hands, a familiar feeling appears.
  299. >It doesn't feel like your dick is encapsulated by your hand, but instead by something moist, warm, and already moving.
  300. >"~Nng!?"
  301. >Oh shit, what?
  302. >The mare immediately turns around, backing up towards the opposite wall with her horn alight.
  303. >With the practiced speed of someone whose been jerking off for years, you go ham.
  304. >You quickly impale deep within her, roughly rubbing the eager insides.
  305. >She turns in a complete moaning mess, tongue lolled out, eyes up in the head, collapsing onto the ground as you magically hammer her marehood from a distance.
  306. >Each thrust with your hand pushes her a bit closer and closer towards the bars.
  307. >If she gets close enough, you can probably grab the keys and get the fuck out.
  308. >You can do this.
  309. >Quickly, you can feel the walls compressing and squeezing upon you.
  310. >You can't do this.
  311. >As you begin to shoot rope after rope inside her, you try to continue pumping your meat to keep moving her body.
  312. >A shrill shriek pierces the air as she collapses some distance in front of the bars, completely out from the bliss.
  313. >Alas, your erection goes flaccid and her body stops inching forward as you lose your leverage.
  314. >https://youtu.be/5HiIy3SlHs4?t=4
  315. >You try to reach for her body, but it's just out of your reach.
  316. >Damnit.
  317. >It's going to be a long night.
  318. >...
  319. >It is early morning.
  320. >Say, around five in the morning. The sun's barely come past the horizon!
  321. >And you are out and about, summoned to investigate a fresh crime scene.
  322. >For the good of the citizens!
  323. >(And the pay.)
  324. >Why, who are you?
  325. >Well, you are private detective extraordinaire, dashing and handsome, mares' colt, brilliant as the ever shining sun-
  326. >"Polmes, you are talking aloud, again."
  327. "Ah, right. Right. Gracious thanks, Watson."
  328. >That's Watson, your assistant.
  329. >Odd fellow, really.
  330. >No idea why his parents decided to name him that, caused a great deal of trouble over the course of his younger years.
  331. >A story told hundreds of times over one too many drinks in the bar past the moon's rise.
  332. >But! It made him a mostly indispensable companion who would practically die for you, something every great pony, like you, needs.
  333. >Anyways, you are Fetlock Polmes!
  334. >Greatest detective to ever trot on Equestria!
  335. "Watson, hoof me my pipe, please."
  336. >Your outstretched hoof feels the familiar presence of your most trusted companion.
  337. >Said companion finds itself in the usual position.
  338. >You speak around the pipe in your mouth.
  339. "Watson, be a dear and give me a light."
  340. >"Of course, Polmes."
  341. >It's quickly alight, and you give it a cursory puff.
  342. >Should be alright. Now, off to the races!
  343. >You and Watson begin to make your way through Canterlot, winding through the streets to your destination.
  344. >After a bit of trotting, you finally turn to your assistant.
  345. "Say, Watson, do you, perchance, remember where we're supposed to be heading?"
  346. >"Yes! We're supposed to be headed towards Canterlot Palace."
  347. "Ah, right! Canterlot Palace, of course, of course. Well then, let us get going, shall we?"
  348. >With that, the two of you head towards your actual destination.
  349. >You soon arrive at the entrance of the palace only to be ushered in around the side into a room lower palace proper.
  350. >A mare in royal armor with a large crest greets you.
  351. >"Greetings, Mr. Polmes. We've been expecting you; follow me."
  352. >My, what a terse introduction!
  353. >Well, that's to be expected with these royal guard types. Always such an absolute joy to work with.
  354. >Their toity noity tightiness, my my.
  355. >"You're probably wondering why we called you here, at this hour."
  356. "Of course! I'm missing out on a well deserved rest, I shall say. Why, the day previous I had quite an interesting escapade that kept me up past midnight! Watson and I were on the trail of the ever elusive Ja-"
  357. >"Polmes, we hired you to investigate the disappearance of a dangerous criminal and the guard assigned to him."
  358. >How rude!
  359. >She begins to trot off, towards the dungeons.
  360. >You've been here, a few times.
  361. >Probably.
  362. >You don't really remember, it's not that important.
  363. >"The criminal is something called a 'human,' have you heard of it? It's a bipedal, hairless creature."
  364. >Of course you've heard of it!
  365. "Ah, yes, the human. In fact, I've had more than one chance encounter with this kind, from the underworld to Saddle Arabia. They're quite the irksome type, really."
  366. >"...right. You know this human has been the only one documented, and has only been here less than a year?"
  367. "Bah, you haven't seen all of them. Anyhow, please, continue on what had happened in the dungeons."
  368. >She gives you a slight look before turning forward again.
  369. >"He claims that it's only him, and if there were more of him, we'd have known. Back to the point, we jailed the criminal last night and the mare asked to guard him. Thing is, she also helped run our... special operations."
  370. "Like you've ever explored past the borders, but special operations? My, what does that entail?"
  371. >The mare turns back to you, a hardened expression plastered on her face.
  372. >"Well, ah, here's the thing. You don't ever, ever speak of this to anypony, understand?"
  373. "Under-stood."
  374. >Giving you a slight nod, she turns forward again as your party makes a turn.
  375. >"Good. It's an anti-rape operation. We have an artifact that allows us to detect when a mare, or stallion, is about to have consensual sex and it also allows us to redirect the perpetrator's sexual organ into another pony within a certain range. So, we have volunteers who elect themselves to take said mare or stallion's place to prevent lasting psychological damage. That sai-"
  376. "Wait wait wait. Why don't you just use artificial sources instead of other ponies?"
  377. >"That's the thing, we can't."
  378. "Wot? Why not?"
  379. >"We're not sure; the artifact is hundreds of years old. Ancient magic is extremely strong, so we can't just change it."
  380. "Ah, and not even our goddesses can do much?"
  381. >"That's right. Not even they can change it."
  382. >You can probably figure out a way to change it, being the greatest detective alive. Although it looks like magic grows ever more potent with age, like a fine wine.
  383. >Mmm, reminds you of the bottles you have back home. One of those right now would be splendid, even though it's morning.
  384. >"At least we still found a use for it. Plus, we lessen the stimulation by using a spell, which the victims usually don't have, that creates a sort of barrier between the sensitive parts, so it's more of the perpetrator feeling something while our volunteers feel nothing."
  385. >Ah, right, right. Job at hoof here.
  386. "If so, then why is it important that I must know of this?"
  387. >"Because we found this mare in a comatose state after she went to confront the human with the artifact active. Someway, somehow, that human broke the spell protecting her and he managed to turn her brain into mush. We've also got another mare who was also raped by that beast, but she claims that it was consensual; and get this, she's trying to proclaim that thing's innocence with our mare, too. We doubt that she consented, since if it was, the artifact wouldn't have been active. This human has a grip on ponies like we've never seen, maybe even more than Celestia."
  388. >Say, more than Celestia?
  389. >Your day has just gotten just the bit more interesting.
  390. >Perhaps you won't even need a pick-me-up later.
  391. >"After she recovered, which took several hours, she demanded that she watch over the criminal who caused her ailment. Of course we told her not to, and to take time off to recover, but she kept asking for it. We gave in, considering her insistence to do so. Now, they're both gone when the morning shift came in to replace her. We're afraid that the criminal managed to escape, and took the mare with him for unsavory reasons. That's why we called you in early, every minute that passes is a minute that mare is in danger."
  392. "Ah, I see your predicament."
  393. >"Here we are."
  394. >She opens the wooden door and you are immediately assaulted by the unmistakable musk of a mare.
  395. "Ah, I see what we have ahoof here. And do try to keep it in your sheath, Watson."
  396. >He laughs a little too hard.
  397. >"HAHAHA! Astute observation as always, Polmes!"
  398. >He lowers his voice for the next bit.
  399. >"I'll try."
  400. >Hmm, it appears that there is another scent here.
  401. >You take a few testing sniffs of the air.
  402. >There!
  403. >The scent of a stallion, albeit it is of not equine origin.
  404. >Must be that human's scent.
  405. >Peering around, you observe liquids over almost everything.
  406. >It's mostly clear, with some streaks of white here and there.
  407. >On the ground, walls, bars, even the ceiling!
  408. >How the Celestia did it even get up there?
  409. >The walls inside the cell are still wet, though there are dried bits by the front of the cell.
  410. >Walking inside said cell, the smell grows even more potent, permeating the air like a heavy fog.
  411. >There's something about it that really stands out to you, though...
  412. >Then your dastardly assistant breaks your train of thought with one of his impeccably timed speeches.
  413. >"I shall be in the loo, if you'll excuse me."
  414. >Ha! If he can ever trick the great and power-
  415. >Wait, that one is trademarked by a certain blue unicorn.
  416. >Right, if he can ever trick the brilliant Fetlock Polmes!
  417. "I will have none of that Watson, I surely doubt you need to use the loo when in fact, you used it not but two hours ago!"
  418. >"Pol-"
  419. "And the fact that you have not consumed a great deal of liquids between now and then! I say Watson, get yourself together and be a good assistant."
  420. >His face is burning a bright red, yet he relents.
  421. >You both know that the, how shall you put this, fragrance is getting to him.
  422. >Bit young, that fellow.
  423. >"R-right, Polmes. M'sorry 'bout trying to go off."
  424. "It's all right, Watson. You'll be like me in no time if I keep you around my hoof."
  425. >He gives a smart nod.
  426. >Good fellow.
  427. >You take the next few minutes to take a gander at the wealth of evidence around you.
  428. >Hmm, ah, yes!
  429. >Quite an interesting splatter of liquids. Looks like some sort of bird, almost.
  430. >Tut-tut. What occurred after this?
  431. >After taking your fill of the scene, you exit the cell to speak with the mare who led you here.
  432. >"Well?"
  433. "I can conclude, with great certainty, that the guardsmare was taken by the criminal, not as a hostage, but a concubine."
  434. >"W-what!?"
  435. "It's simple, really."
  436. >You trot on over to the dried stain in front of the cell.
  437. "Here, I can easily conclude that their first interaction occurred around 10pm the previous night. These by-products are obviously dry, so that gave me an approximate six hour time frame in which it was given enough time to do so."
  438. >"What!?"
  439. "Ah, right, apologies for that. I meant their first interaction occurred around 2200. Your odd clock time really blew past my mind."
  440. >Blasted military ponies.
  441. >"Wai-"
  442. "Anyhow, during their first interaction, I believe, with great certainty, that the mare still had the artifact attached, and somehow, someway, the human managed to activate it and enter her. Now, this is where things go downhill."
  443. >You give a little puff with your pipe.
  444. "I think that the human was trying to somehow obtain the keys to his freedom, and this method of... persuasion was what he decided best suited for this purpose. I don't think the first time he managed to get it, but through, and may I add impressive, persistence, he managed to push her close enough to the bars to grab whatever he wanted on her body. And what on her body? The key, of course."
  445. >The guardsmare's eyes are boggling out of her head in shock at your incredible and accurate retelling of past events.
  446. >They're always like this, you've come used to it by now, but it's always a joy to see the awe on their faces.
  447. >This first part was quite simple, really. The first puddle, furthest from the bars, was the most dry with only a clear liquid.
  448. >Then the ones approaching the bars are increasingly streaked with white marks and obtain a more viscous quality to them.
  449. "Although, what had occurred afterwards I cannot say for certain. For some inexplicable reason, the human opened the door to the cell and instead of running for his freedom, he took the mare into the cell."
  450. >"H-hold on for a mome-"
  451. "I'M IN MY MOMENT, PLEASE!"
  452. >That finally silences the irking mare.
  453. >You grimace and place a hoof at your brow.
  454. "...ma'am. If you interrupt me once more, I will be unable to tell you what had happened here."
  455. >She simply doesn't respond.
  456. >Good enough.
  457. >At that, you walk into the drenched cell to point at a particular spot on the wall.
  458. "Here, he pushed her against this wall, back first, and continued to have his way with her. Now, I have a theory on why this was to be: he must have correctly assumed that there were more guards outside the dungeons, therefore he had to obtain a sort of leverage. What better way than to make a guard submit to him? He's a cunning fellow, I'll give him that!"
  459. >Another puff of best assistant before you move onto the next area.
  460. "I won't bore you here, they did a variety of other nasties in this here cell-"
  461. >You'll need to wash your entire body after stepping in all this bodily fluids.
  462. "-from which all of these liquids originated from. The only thing that stumps me is the liquid on the ceiling. That is quite a feat that I wish to see, actually."
  463. >Whoops, anger growing on that guardmare's face. Better move fast.
  464. "Then, they moved onto the bed, where they fornicated in the missionary position based on the stain locations here-"
  465. >You gingerly point at the quite large stain on the bed.
  466. "-and here."
  467. >A few other stains that clearly depict a sweaty back, a bit up from the large stain's position.
  468. "At this point, the mare was clearly exhausted, having orgasmed around over ten times from my calculations."
  469. >You straighten back up and tap your chin a few times, one of your eyebrows raised with your eyes looking upwards.
  470. "Alas, I was lost at this point, as there are no other clues to point to their next actions prior to their leave. But!-"
  471. >You do a show of closely inspecting the mattress.
  472. >The other two lean in to see what you are looking at, and you help them by pointing your hoof at the hairs left behind.
  473. "Upon closer inspection, I had realized that they in fact did not move at all from the mattress. In truth, they cuddled for about four hours, from what I can determine from the hairs left on the bed. There is, as such, a slight discrepancy of the amount left behind, as some most likely got shook off during their, ahem, activities. However, I am able to disregard of the excess to determine the time I have told you. Then, they simply up and left the dungeons, the mare in tow voluntarily, who then helped him leave the castle grounds undetected. Must have been one Tartarus of a time, I shall say."
  474. >Turning back to the guard, you speak.
  475. "That is why I believe the two left together. Another case solved by the greatest detective alive!"
  476. >With that, you begin to make your leave, pulling along an open jawed Watson with you.
  477. >Just as you're about to leave the presence of the uptight guard, she speaks.
  478. >"Hold on!"
  479. >Bah, what now? You've done what you've been hired to do, and it's time for more sleep.
  480. "Yes?"
  481. >"You've still got a criminal to catch."
  482. "The pay?"
  483. >"It'll be increased to accommodate that."
  484. "Gracious. Watson, looks like we've a criminal to catch!"
  485.  
  486. >"Before you go, I will give you a pass to interview whoever in the barracks. I'm sure there is some information there you can use to build a profile on our pony, if she voluntarily left with the prisoner."
  487. "Then I'll need unrestricted access to the palace, my good captain."
  488. >"You don't need free access around all of Canterlot Palace, mister Polmes."
  489. "Fine then, imagine this:"
  490. >You are the royal guard captain and right now you're in the middle of a particularly frustrating document.
  491. >There's some writing on this paper about — uhhhhh...
  492. >About taxes on the guard's newest shipment of armor!
  493. >They didn't do the tax for you, so you've had to send out your underlings to the library to fetch you scrolls detailing the exact taxes on the armor.
  494. >It's a lot, to be honest.
  495. >That said, it's fraying your nerves.
  496. >Everything feels as if it's turned to eleven, the over stimulation pushing you closer and closer to the edge of just wanting to stop whatever you're doing and vegetate.
  497. >You simply shake your head to make the thoughts go away, but they remain, dancing in the back of your head, taunting you.
  498. >Then, three crisp, clear knocks on your door.
  499. >Must be somepony important, as it carries a distinct professional air.
  500. >Still, it pulls you away from your work, wrecking much more havoc on your nerves.
  501. >You don't want to call them in, instead you want to turn them away to continue on your work, but obligation requires you to answer.
  502. >It may be somepony important.
  503. >"Come in," you say.
  504. >The door opens to reveal none other than the brilliant Fetlock Polmes!
  505. >Years of guard experience is the only thing keeping you from showing awe on your face.
  506. >Polmes elegantly trots into the room with the practiced grace of a millennium old alicorn, taking a seat opposite of you.
  507. >He simply takes a single puff of his trusty pipe.
  508. >You simply don't know what he wants.
  509. >"My, mister Polmes, what brings you here once again? You had not left more than thirty minutes ago."
  510. >"Why, the reason for my presence here is that I have been barred from entering the servants' quarters."
  511. >Before you can ask why he was in the servants' quarters, his cunning intelligence allows him to read your confusion and correct the gap in your knowledge.
  512. >"This was due to my pass only allowing me access to the barracks, the place wherein I discovered that a certain maid is to be questioned. My attempts to enter the servants' quarters were unfortunately foiled be some stoic guards who said, and I shall quote, 'No entry, for your pass speaks not of the servants' quarters.' I need to speak with this maid urgently, for the sake of your guard, and the maid may not even be there, too! I may need to speak to other ponies in a variety of different locations, which I will add I do not have access to, to find that maid."
  513. "...why, mister Polmes, you make an astoundingly solid argument. Here, I'll give you a pass to allow unmolested access to every facility in Canterlot Palace, so you can get me my mare back before I can say 'By Celestia's beard!'"
  514. >The captain only stares at you for what feels like an unusual amount of time before speaking.
  515. >"Mister Polmes, I appreciate your... fantasy, though I am quite certain I do not act in such a way."
  516. >She clicks her tongue — unprofessional! — as she mulls over your words.
  517. >"However, you do make a good point. I'll have one written out for you. Don't abuse it."
  518. >Your trio makes its way towards the captain's office, a room a few floors up from the dungeon.
  519. >It's quite sparse, only equipped with a large wooden desk with a compliment of chairs, a drawer, and some other accessories that fill some spaces on the walls.
  520. >She points at the two conveniently placed chairs across the table from one larger chair.
  521. >"Have a seat while I get you your pass."
  522. >You and your assistant take a seat onto what you can consider quite a very uncomfortable chair. Watson takes no notice to this, due to his inferior taste in luxury.
  523. >She takes her seat onto a visually more comforting chair that you have a burning desire to swap with, then promptly fills out a scroll, bundles it up, and hoofs it to you.
  524. >"And for her profile, here."
  525. >She slides over a folder that was resting on her table when you entered.
  526. "Let's see here: Bright Light. Seems normal enough; born in Canterlot, regular backstory of wanting to be in the guard, no criminal record, of course, and yadda yadda yadda."
  527. >You slide it back for a questioning look in return.
  528. >"Did you even read it?"
  529. "Of course I did! How else did I flawlessly give you the facts?"
  530. >"What you said was incredibly vague, almost any guard can fit that description, except the name. Even I fit that."
  531. "Are you questioning my abilities?"
  532. >"..."
  533. >"Why, I'd never, Polmes!"
  534. "You don't count, Watson."
  535. >The captain lets out a sigh, chair creaking in protest as she leans back.
  536. >"No. Now, before you go, I still need you to find that mare as fast as possible. Even if you do say that she voluntarily left with the human, I can't shake the feeling that she's still in danger or being mind controlled. Please, go, find her and get her home."
  537. "Do not fear, captain, I assure you that your mare will return to you, safe and sound."
  538. >"Good. Now get out."
  539. "But!"
  540. >"What now?"
  541. "I must wonder what you bring to the table. Surely I can't be without any backup."
  542. >You can, but it'd be easier to have some goons to help you.
  543. >Get your morning coffee, fetch the newspaper, things like that.
  544. >"What I bring to the table, Polmes, is you. You're being paid a very considerable amount and I have already sent word to the guards in Canterlot to be on the lookout for the human. He's a big thing, so I doubt he'll be in the city. Although, I can't spare my guards to be warn everypony in all of Equestria when they're going to forget about a human in a day or two."
  545. "So no help?"
  546. >"I've already given you the help there is. Aren't you supposed to be the greatest detective of all time?"
  547. "Of course I am!"
  548. >"Great. Get out."
  549. >The door slams shut behind the two of you.
  550. >Blegh.
  551. >As you and Watson reach some distance from the office door, you speak up.
  552. "Now, Watson, where do you think we shall go to next?"
  553. >"Uhm, I think we should go to the barracks, and ask her bunk mates, the original plan? Do we even know where her bunks are?"
  554. "Nonsense. The next place in our investigation is the kitchen, of course."
  555. >"The kitchen? Why the kitchen?"
  556. "Think for a moment, Watson. Why shall we head towards the kitchen during this investigation? Of what importance does the kitchen pertain to the benefit of finding this mare?"
  557. >"Uh... Oh! So we can talk to the servers to see if they have any know-abouts or rumors of the mare!"
  558. "Rigggght... well, let's find the kitchen then, Watson. The investigation cannot wait!"
  559. >Now, where can this kitchen be?
  560. >Perhaps a scent in the air could be used to locate the kitchen. Simply taking a small trot around these corridors will you eventually get a small sniff of food, and through ever increasingly potent scent will you locate it.
  561. >Seems like the best course of action for now.
  562. >You take charge and lead Watson through the winding corridors of the palace.
  563. >Left, right, forward, right, right, right, backwards, left, forward, smoke break, right, left, left, forward, right, forward, forward, right.
  564. >A few guards here and there who ask your disposition, who you disregard in lieu for your more important task.
  565. >"Have you know where we're going, Polmes?"
  566. "Watson, I am the greatest detective alive. You doubt that after all this time?"
  567. >"Well... we've been wandering the halls for quite a bit."
  568. "I'll say rightfully so! Do you believe everything falls into your hooves at just a tap? I say no! The world doesn't revolve you-"
  569. >"You," as in Watson. The world definitely revolves the greatest detective alive.
  570. "-it revolves around those who are willing to fight through the thick and muddy, through the darkness to find the light, to uncover the buried tru-"
  571. >"Alright, alright! I get it, Polmes. Life isn't going to hoof you a silver platter, no matter who you are."
  572. "Exactly, Watson. Glad you've learned something new this fine day."
  573. >"Yeah, yeah..."
  574. >Ah, there! The small whiff of baked goods!
  575. "And speaking of the kitchen, I believe I now know where it is!"
  576. >"Aye, lead the way."
  577. >A quick trot and the smell is already solidifying itself in the air.
  578. >Hmm, a hint of berries, a dash of sweetness — probably honey or a chocolate — and perhaps — no, not that — perhaps a cheese.
  579. >Can't really place a hoof on what type, with the smells mixing and whatnot.
  580. >Yet, the kitchen approaches!
  581. >The delicious waft of breakfast foods comes to a terrific grandeur as you spot a large door with a guard posted to the side.
  582. >Getting closer, however, grants you with:
  583. >"Stop right there! That's close enough!"
  584. "Excuse me, sir, but I believe I am allowed access to this area."
  585. >"Sure, pal. Mind telling me why you're allowed into the kitchen to poison everypony here?"
  586. "Well, I have this certain thing called a pass."
  587. >"Then you wouldn't mind proving it."
  588. "Watson?"
  589. >"Here it is."
  590. >Your assistant hoofs over the pass, which you show to the guard.
  591. "Here it is, one pass signed by the captain herself."
  592. >"Hm. Looks authentic. What's your business?"
  593. >You give your assistant a knowing look as you take a puff from best assistant.
  594. >"Hey, that handsome stallion over there would like to buy you a drink. Wink wink."
  595. >"Whaaaat?"
  596. "Excuse us for a moment, please."
  597. >You pull your moron of an assistant aside to furiously berate him quietly.
  598. "Watson, what was that!?"
  599. >"You gave me the look!"
  600. "Are you out of your mind? I was asking you to tell him why we are here! How have you misinterpreted that?"
  601. >"You told me that if you gave me /that/ look, it means I'm to be your wingcolt!"
  602. "I did not give you that look!"
  603. >"Small smirk, one eyebrow slightly up, head tilted to the right a tad bit?"
  604. "I did?"
  605. >"Polmes, you drill that into me every week! You remind me that no matter the pony, if you give me that look I am to wingcolt!"
  606. "Huh. Well, I'll add a new rule to that: only mares. Now, go tell him why we are here."
  607. >The two of you move back to a still confused guard.
  608. >"Ahem, sorry about what I said earlier. We're investigating the disappearance of a guardsmare who may or may not have contact with palace staff. The servers would most likely have some form of contact with her, so to question them would give a great boon to helping find her."
  609. >"You're the guys in charge of that? I thought they-"
  610. "You don't know who I am?"
  611. >"Uh, no?"
  612. >"Polmes, don-"
  613. "You not know the bestest, ever the achiever, the one with thousands of solved cases in his saddle bags, the one and only, Fetlock Polmes?"
  614. >"Can't say I have heard of you."
  615. "That simply cannot be. Surely you have heard of at least one of my exploits?"
  616. >"Nope. Don't even know who you are, but you seem important 'cause you got one of them fancy letters from the captain."
  617. "Bah, you must be one of those simpletons. I have no time to waste with you."
  618. >"Hey!"
  619. >You move past the lumbering fool with Watson in tow only to be assaulted by the mouthwatering vapors undeterred by distance and walls, paired with a fiery heat.
  620. >And a spectacle the kitchen is!
  621. >Ponies dressed in white running to and fro, furnaces groaning from their overwork, shouting over the din of clashing metal.
  622. >Foods in different states of completion; ranging from their raw states to their complete, edible, mouth watering form.
  623. >Perfect.
  624. >"Now that we're here, let's go find the servers."
  625. "Yes, yes, you do that Watson, I've more important business to attend."
  626. >"Aren't you supposed to be spearheading this, like always?"
  627. "No, no, no, I delegate this task to you, for surely I musn't do everything if I am to pass the torch of my position to you."
  628. >Watson's face lights up in quite the foalish display.
  629. >"Makes sense. Now, where are the servers?"
  630. >At that, Watson trots off, doing unimportant business once again.
  631. >Now, time to get down into the hay of real business.
  632. >Hmm, what to do, what to do. So many options. Too many.
  633. >This many should a crime!
  634. >To Tartarus with deciding!
  635. >You'll take this, and that, a little bit of that, oh, that definitely, that, that, annnnd that.
  636. >Excellent.
  637. >Actually, some of those would be nice too, but you have no place to store them.
  638. >Unless...
  639. >"...I see, so she — Polmes, why are you grabbing a serving cart?"
  640. "Important business."
  641. >"But for what — sorry, we'll have to talk later — reason do you need one?"
  642. "Like I said, important business."
  643. >There we go, everything fits, with even some extra space to spare.
  644. >Let's take some of that too, due to this new development.
  645. >"Polmes, we're supposed to be finding that guardsmare, not stealing food!"
  646. "First of all, I'm not stealing food, I'm borrowing it. Have you seen anypony try to stop me? Second, I will find that mare, I don't doubt it. I'm a professional."
  647. >"But Polmes, hadn't the captain ask us to find her as quickly as possible?"
  648. "I am, Watson. However, I cannot do such when my stomach is growling to be fed. It's an unneeded distraction. And, I might add, probing the servers is quite silly: nopony eats at night unless you're one of those peckish ones, which I doubt they were."
  649. >"W-well the activities they partook in would have dehydrated them, thus forcing them to call for service."
  650. "Bah, they shared saliva, and that would have gotten them caught."
  651. >"That makes no sense, I don't think it's poss-"
  652. "Ah ah ah! Enough of this talk, I have waited long enough to eat. Let's dine!"
  653. >...
  654. "Scrumptious! Absolutely delectable, Watson!"
  655. >"It truly is!"
  656. "Goodness, royalty dine so well that I don't think I cannot live without the taste of such elegant foods again!
  657. >"You can say that again!"
  658. "Ohm! You must try this strudel, Watson, it's incredible!"
  659. >"Hoof it here, hoof it here!"
  660. "Here, here!"
  661. >"Thank- mmmmmmm, ish is incredible!"
  662. "I'll say! We must find the chef who made this and wrestle the recipe from him!"
  663. >"Aye!"
  664. "Pass the cream puffs over here, I have yet to try them."
  665. >"'ere."
  666. "Ooooooh, superb taste. Is that a hint of strawberry at the end there?"
  667. >"I thinksh ish achtually shome type o' 'ranberry."
  668. "Ah, I knew that. Didn't wash my palate after trying the strawberry tart."
  669. >"Mmmm hm."
  670. >The two of you continue to eat to the clatter of silverware and the smacks and crunches of mastication, until you taste a particularly excellent souffle.
  671. "Mwah! My compliments to all the chefs in the fiery pits that is Canterlot Palace's kitchen!"
  672. >"Cheers, then!"
  673. "Cheers!"
  674. >"Uah, this is juice is delicious!"
  675. "Incredible, I can taste every bit of fruit in it; the apples, oranges, nectarine, peaches, blueberries - just, wow."
  676. >"We should go back down there again! I think I saw them cooking up a 30 layer cake."
  677. "Definitely, although I think we should ask fo-"
  678. >"WHAT ARE YOU DOING!?"
  679. >You turn to the sudden newcomer in the room: a maid.
  680. "Er, eating?"
  681. >Looks like she's about to pop a vein.
  682. >"You aren't supposed to be eating here!"
  683. "It's a dining table."
  684. >"It's THE Royal dining table! How'd you even get in here!?"
  685. >You let out a sigh before showing her the pass.
  686. >She doesn't even take a look at it, the nerve!
  687. >"And look at the mess you made here-"
  688. >The table is stacked with plates of foods, many with a single bite taken out of them, left discarded amongst the pile.
  689. >Luckily the table is of quite the size, containing all of the food well, even after several incursions to the kitchen.
  690. >You pluck an intact muffin off the table.
  691. >"-IS THAT JAM ON THE RUG!?!?"
  692. "Can't you just magic it out?"
  693. >You languidly gesture with the muffin to the upper region of her forehead.
  694. >"Magic it out? Magic it out!? This is an imported Saddle Arabian rug! It has millions of knots that you just spilled jam onto! Do you understand how difficult it is to pull out jelly from every. Little. Bit!?"
  695. "You don't need all of it the jam gone, just enough so it doesn't show."
  696. >"This is royalty! They get the best of the best! I can not, and will not stand for anything lower than perfect!"
  697. >Delicious, this muffin is of the most refined taste!
  698. "Riggght. Sho why not fech' shome grand-wishard? I'll bet they can get the jham out jusht like that."
  699. >"A grand-wizard!? Ha! Oh, just go grab a grand-wizard, they won't be busy, I promise! Go get them to clean up a mess in the royal dining room because they have enough time to do so!"
  700. "Exactly! Just like that!"
  701. >"YOU CAN'T 'JUST' GET A GRAND-WIZARD TO CLEAN THIS CARPET YOU MORON!"
  702. "Oh."
  703. >"And do you know how expensive this is? It's probably worth more than you! Whatever you make, multiply it by a hundred thousand and that's how much this carpet is worth! A carpet you ruined!"
  704. "It was Watson's fault."
  705. >"What? No, you threw the jam at me when I asked you to pass it."
  706. "Bah, a filly could've caught that."
  707. >"I believe you threw it with all the force you could muster, Polmes."
  708. "That is false."
  709. >"Really now?"
  710. "I could have thrown it much faster, Watson."
  711. >"Aha! So you are admitting to thr-"
  712. >"ENOUGH! You two clearly do not belong here, so get out!"
  713. "Ahem, I have a pass that grants me access anywh-"
  714. >"I don't care! The mess you two made is more than enough, I don't need more!"
  715. "You are a servant to royalty. This pass is signed by the gracious captain herself, I'll say! You dare go against the swo-"
  716. >"OUT! OUT OUT OUT OUT!"
  717. >The tingling sensation of magic encapsulating your body begins to manifest.
  718. "Now hold on a moment here, let's not do anything rash."
  719. >You can feel the magic solidifying as it slowly starts to wrench you away.
  720. "Ah, a no, then."
  721. >Quick! Before she denies you access to this amazing spread!
  722. "Watson!"
  723. >"Yes, Polmes!?"
  724. "Distract her!"
  725. >"Aye!"
  726. >"OH NO YOU DON'T!"
  727. >With an even stronger tug on your form and a field forming around your utterly hopeless assistant, the maid begins to drag you away from bliss.
  728. "WATSON!"
  729. >"Working on it!"
  730. >The triple decker prench toast, save the triple decker prench toast!
  731. >No! It's too far!
  732. >You're going to fire Watson for this!
  733. >You have full the mind to do it right here and now when the magic fails with a splat.
  734. >A quick look shows a pancake impaled on her horn, its body hanging limply over her eyes.
  735. "Excellent shot, second greatest assistant Watson!"
  736. >"You got that right! Take that, and that, and that!"
  737. >Watson continues to pelts the maid's face with random foodstuffs from the table.
  738. >Ohhh, that smoothie is going to be difficult to wash off.
  739. >Oh well, there we go, prench toast secured!
  740. >"AAAAAAAARRRRRRGH!"
  741. >Finally, the maid shakes off the daze, pulling off the pancake from her horn and lighting her horn up to a very, very bright light.
  742. "What the bloo-!"
  743. >"Pol-!"
  744. >SLAM!
  745. "How rude!"
  746. >When that light disappeared, the two of you found yourselves on the other side of the door.
  747. >A locked door.
  748. >"That went better than I expected."
  749. "Thanks to me, of course."
  750. >"Didn't I distract the maid?"
  751. "At my behest, yes. Now come along, Watson, we've other business to attend."
  752. >"But I did all the wor- wait for me, Polmes!"
  753. >You continue trotting around palace proper in search for the royal bedrooms.
  754. >Now, where is it?
  755. >Aha! There it is.
  756. >You pull your pipe from your coat and take a small puff.
  757. >"Polmes, where are we going? This part doesn't seem well lit, it might be under remodeling."
  758. >Turns out, a private detective can by hired by anypony.
  759. >Anypony, as long as they have the bits to spare.
  760. >You've been hired by, let's say, some unsavory figures in the past.
  761. >You may or may not have been sent to investigate some of Luna's operations, and then you may or may not have uncovered them, and then you may or may not have given the names, locations, faces, and more to those who hired you.
  762. >Which may or may not have resulted in some operations being dismantled and ponies disappearing.
  763. >At least they paid very well. You had to jack up the price because of how much others wanted you to do it for them.
  764. >A certain alicorn didn't like you picking off some of their best ponies, which was completely uncalled for.
  765. >You didn't even kill them!
  766. >You just revealed who they were twice.... No, thrice actually.
  767. >If they were her best they wouldn't have disappeared.
  768. >Then, she even had the gall to send a few of them after you to silence you permanently, but they were no match for you deduction skills and charisma.
  769. >Also because you had the solar princess' blessings thanks to a few high profile cases you solved for her.
  770. >Only one of them has enough brains to hire an investigator as skilled as you instead of relying on amateur ponies who, quote, "wouldn't betray them."
  771. >Quite the insult to a professional like you.
  772. >You are loyal to those who have the bits!
  773. >Spotless record.
  774. "Polmes, we are heading towards the royal bedrooms. Specifically, the night princess's"
  775. >"What!? Why?"
  776. "I have my reasons, Watson. This matter is of utmost importance."
  777. >"But of what importance?"
  778. >You pass by a few guards in nightguard armor, who mostly leave you alone.
  779. >Since her sister stopped her from getting physical with you, and her minions were wholly incompetent against you, she decided to get personal.
  780. >Dream invading is unfair!
  781. >Now she holds dirt above your head, forcing you not to take these massive offers that could have you your own Canterlot Palace.
  782. >However, you are about to turn the tide on her soon.
  783. "Bits."
  784. >"Is this about those offers from the mafia?"
  785. "Perhaps."
  786. >"Is this why you don't take them anymore?"
  787. "Maybe."
  788. >"Will you give me more of the cut next time if this solves the problem?"
  789. "No."
  790. >"But I'm helping you!"
  791. "Read the contract again, Watson."
  792. >"Drat."
  793. >Silly Watson signing a contract without reading it.
  794. >As you venture deeper into the depths of the night wing, you spot a guardsmare deftly approaching you from the corner of your eye.
  795. >"Polmes, there's a mare trotting right to us."
  796. "I see her, keep moving."
  797. >"You two, stop."
  798. >Watson stops, and since he's behind you, you can't nudge him forward.
  799. >You had just told him to keep moving!
  800. >You keep moving, however.
  801. >"You. Stop."
  802. "I have a pass. Watson, do try to keep up."
  803. >"Show it, then."
  804. >You pull your pass out, all the while moving, and face it towards the mare.
  805. "Here, ogle all you want."
  806. >She steps in front of you to block your path, but you just simply trot around her.
  807. >"I cannot read with you moving."
  808. "Then catch up, dear."
  809. >A leather wing is thrown in front of you, actually blocking you.
  810. "Excuse me, but I have places to be."
  811. >The mare scrutinizes the page closely, her eyes flicking left and right as she reads the lines.
  812. >"It says you are allowed access to all facilities here. I only see the sun guard captain's signature."
  813. "And?"
  814. >"This is night wing. You need the night wing captain's signature."
  815. "Aren't they supposed to be asleep by now? Like you?"
  816. >"We maintain morning shift. I am part of it. Though, you are correct the night wing captain is asleep. Unfortunately, you will need to wait until she wakes up to get the signature."
  817. "Hold on one moment here, are you saying I need to wait until your captain wakes up before I am allowed access here?"
  818. >"Yes."
  819. "That is absurd!"
  820. >"It is not."
  821. "Do you not know why I have this?"
  822. >"No."
  823. "I am looking for a mare who's been whisked away by something called a human, and I am pressed for time. If you do not give me entry I fear I will not find her in time."
  824. >"Oh, her? Hm, perhaps I will let you continue if you can tell me why you need to be here."
  825. "I have some contacts around this section of the castle that I wish to speak to."
  826. >"And they are all morning shift?"
  827. "Of course, how else would I speak with them?"
  828. >You don't know any of the morning staff, to be honest. You didn't even know they existed until a few seconds ago.
  829. >"Who are you speaking to?"
  830. "I need not tell you that."
  831. >"Then you can remain here."
  832. "Do you not feel a sense of comradery? Something for a fellow pony who is in danger? If so, you'd let me pass this instant, I am one not to let some petty bickering stand between doing good."
  833. >She stares at you in silence.
  834. >"You may go."
  835. >She turns to leave, not before extending a wing out.
  836. >"And no smoking."
  837. >The wing knocks best assistant out of your mouth onto the ground as she departs.
  838. >Inconsiderate!
  839. >You pick your pipe off the ground and almost place it back in its rightful spot.
  840. >It would most likely not bode well to indicate your presence through strong tobacco.
  841. >Good bye, old friend, until next time.
  842. >You must note, it is a good thing you aren't infamous throughout the nightguard ranks because of your past actions. Those who knew you were, ah, taken care of by your client, and Luna made sure not to spill the beans because of her sister and the fact that several large operations with her "best" ponies were all compromised by a single pony.
  843. >She can't be too embarrassed, they were going up against the greatest detective of all time.
  844. >Finally you approach the door of the coveted night princess.
  845. >"Are you sure about this, Polmes?"
  846. "Undoubtedly."
  847. >You hear soft snoring as you push the door ajar and sneak in.
  848. >The night princess is currently sprawled out onto her bed, eye mask covering her face.
  849. >Watson, ever the goof, smacks one of his hindhoofs on the door on the way in.
  850. >The snoring stops for a moment, causing the two of you to freeze, before it resumes.
  851. >You whisper to your assistant.
  852. "Polmes, distract the princess."
  853. >"What? How do I do that!? She's asleep!"
  854. "I don't know, figure something out, else we're going to be both sent to the dungeons!"
  855. >"Me mum sang me this..."
  856. >Where is it, where is it?
  857. >Maybe that drawer?
  858. >Makeup, clothing, horn file, jewelry, etcetera, etcetera.
  859. >Nothing!
  860. >Under the drawer?
  861. >Nothing.
  862. >Bathroom.
  863. >No, not the bathroom, why would anypony store valuables there?
  864. >Unless they expect you to think that and did hide it there!
  865. >You creak the bathroom door open to find it spaciously equipped.
  866. >Everything is tall enough that you can't even look over the edge of the sink or tub without rearing up.
  867. >Now, where can you find some dirt on a princess?
  868. >There's only assorted toiletries from what you can see so far.
  869. >The space underneath the sink has nothing, save for some piping.
  870. >Bah! Nothing!
  871. >Hm, the nightstand?
  872. >Watson is currently leaning on the bed, whispering something into the princess' ear.
  873. >He better not wake her up.
  874. >You open the first drawer to reveal some sort of book.
  875. >You take an experimental flip through some of the pages and oh my is it a gold mine.
  876. >It's the princess' private diary!
  877. >Haha! Take that you scheming, dream-weaving alicorn!
  878. >That's what you get for crossing Polmes and his bits!
  879. "Watson, come along now, I believe I have found what I am looking for."
  880. >Polmes moves from the spot he was quietly singing the lullaby.
  881. >"Aye."
  882. >The two of you make your escape, leaving no evidence of your snooping barring the missing dairy.
  883. >She'll figure it was you sooner or later, but now you have some leverage on your side.
  884. >Once you both are clear from the castle, Watson speaks up.
  885. >"So, what did you get?"
  886. >You give Watson a smirk when you show him the diary.
  887. >"A booklet?"
  888. "No, this is a key to solve my money issue: the diary of one princess Luna."
  889. >"You took her diary!?"
  890. "Of course, now she'll have to let me rake in those bits!"
  891. >"And when did we have a problem with money?"
  892. "I don't make enough. Dining on the food of royalty has opened my eyes, Watson. I can have so much more if I were to bag bigger clients instead of these measly pickings."
  893. >"The food was good..."
  894. >Once you return home, you unceremoniously collapse on the coach.
  895. >Not before you hung up your coat, however.
  896. >Still tired.
  897. >You drape one of your forelegs over your eyes to shade them from the sun.
  898. "Watson, close the blinds, I need some shut eye."
  899. >That, and you still have other stuff to do, such as that opera show you must catch in the evening.
  900. >Before then, you need to purchase some fresh attire for it, like usual, read the news, find something to eat — oh so many things to do!
  901. >"We still have daylight to burn, Polmes. We should be out there, trying to find that mare!"
  902. "Look, Watson. I believe my innate abilities will let me locate this mare without a hitch, so no need to worry there. And I believe in it enough that my original conclusion is correct, so she's probably enjoying whatever time she has with that Anon character. Plus, we're being paid by the hour, so the longer this goes, the more bits we make. Simple as that."
  903. >"Still, we should try to find her as fast as possible, like what we were hired to do."
  904. "Relax, I'm a professional. I know what I'm doing. Watch and learn."
  905. >You wiggle into a more comfortable position on the couch.
  906. "Now, close the binds, it's time to recover some of my sleep back."

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