Unextraordinary, Mundane, Generic Anon in Equestria


                                            >You give out a heaving sigh.

                                            >You really don't want to deal with this, but it is your job.

                                            >And by Celestia will you do it.

                                            >It's just that it would probably make you want to pull your mane out.

                                            >And drink until you forget this day.

                                            >Yup, that's you, all because you have been selected to deal with Anon.

                                            >When he first arrived, which was a few weeks ago, he immediately began trouble.

                                            >Soon enough, most every guard knew of Anon and his crazy antics.

                                            >How can one creature be so infuriating to deal with?

                                            >So illogical, brash, and rude?

                                            >Why haven't the princesses sent him to the dungeons, or at least exile him to some far away place where he can't bother anypony?

                                            >These questions won't get you anywhere; you've got a job to do.

                                            >You try clearing out your mind as you make your way to their last known location.

                                            >It's not good to get riled up before encountering somepony who may or may not have committed a crime.

                                            >Agitating them further will probably create a dangerous situation for you and other ponies, from experience.

                                            >It may also cause the court to dismiss their persecution, because for some Celestia-damned reason the court is lenient on these hooligans!

                                            >Just how many times have they deserved more and yet they only get a slap on the fetlock?

                                            >Then you encounter them on the streets for the fifth time in a month and soon you're on a first name basis!

                                            >They should all be sent to the dungeons, away from everypony!

                                            >You should just-

                                            >There goes your anger again.

                                            >Gotta cool down.

                                            >Nothing good from being a hothead, nothing good at all.

                                            >Just...

                                            >Think about something else, like what you'll have for lunch later.

                                            >You always have the same thing: a dandelion cucumber sandwich that you pack every morning.

                                            >When dandelions are out of season, pansies are used instead.

                                            >Overall, though, you eat the same thing for lunch, everyday.

                                            >Actually, now that you think about it, you eat the same thing for breakfast and dinner, too.

                                            >You should really spice up your diet, but having the same thing everyday really saves bits, and it's not like you have ponies coming over often to your home anyways.

                                            >Nopony to show off to, nopony to care for.

                                            >Just you and the world.

                                            >Great, one tangent you don't want to think about.

                                            >What else, what else?

                                            >As your mind wanders, it eventually finds itself recalling events leading up to this moment.

                                            >...

                                            >You had been called into the meeting room in the early morning, like usual.

                                            >There, your more-than-usual stone faced captain addressed the gathered guards in the room.

                                            >"Alright, ladies and gentlecolts, we've got a small situation on hoof here. The city troublemaker has decided to relocate to our precinct for the second time this month. As such, we have already received several reports of their unscrupulous activities. I need somepony out there to make sure they don't get out of hoof."

                                            >Some mumurs come about, with most ponies concluding that the "city troublemaker" is none other than Anon.

                                            >"As such with these... difficult situations, I won't throw anypony into the fire. Any volunteers?"

                                            >She's met with flat faces and static limbs.

                                            >A sigh escaped her after a minute.

                                            >"Look, I know Anon's a tough one, but we're the Royal Guard! We go out there to face the threat no matter how big or small, and we get it done. We've fought off changeling invasions, arrested the most diabolical and cunning of criminals, and kept the peace of Equestria for hundreds of years. We desire nothing more than to protect the citizens of Equestria and to serve the Princess's will. All for a better, brighter, Equestria. Isn't that why we all joined? For your friends and family; to give them a day to look forward to? Now, a new species might be something new and scary for some of you, but it's nothing compared to what we've faced. We face problems head on. We always find the light at the end of the tunnel. We never, ever, give up. Now who wants to get out there and show him what the Royal Guard is made of?"

                                            >No other sounds were in the room asides from the quiet breathing of the crowd.

                                            >Then, it's broken by somepony coughing.

                                            >The captain slowly shook her head, eyes closed, face a visage of annoyance, before taking a look around.

                                            >Her eyes wandered the room, pausing on somepony every now and then, eliciting a flinch or two, before they land, locking on yours.

                                            >Oh no.

                                            >"Why, Sparkling Dapper, how kind of you to volunteer!"

                                            >The air was filled with chairs squeaking and the clatter of armor as everypony put their eyes on you.

                                            >Your hooves were still resting on the table, and you had yet to say a word.

                                            >Now was a good time for that.

                                            "Uhm, ma'am-"

                                            >Her look hardened.

                                            >Your throat suddenly felt as if it were being constricted, your lungs incapable of letting a single breath out.

                                            >Everything on her face wordlessly said "don't ma'am me."

                                            >After a moment of silence, the look softened.

                                            >"Why, thank you, for your ability to stand up above /this/ crowd to show how much of a model guard you are!"

                                            >She clopped her hooves together in a much too enthusiastic manner.

                                            >A few others joined in, albeit uncertainly.

                                            >You made sure to remember their faces for later.

                                            >"Why, in fact, you're such a model guard that you'll be out of the constabulary, say, right now!"

                                            >With the finality in her voice, all you could really do was nod your head.

                                            "Yes, ma'am."

                                            >The smile that followed sent a shiver down your spine.

                                            >"Good, good; now, about the other assignments..."

                                            >At that, you rose to your hooves and quietly made your exit, silently cursing at your misfortune.

                                            >...

                                            >You know exactly why she chose you.

                                            >Out of all the guards in your constabulary, you had been the previous one to shoo Anon off your precinct. You have the one single experience with dealing with that... that annoying creature.

                                            >And also that you were a unicorn.

                                            >Bucking mud ponies and featherbrains being utterly useless as always. You always got picked for tasks that were substantially more difficult instead of the basic beat. Not your fault that you were more useful than the others.

                                            >It's not that you're racist or anything, you swear!

                                            >But the worst part is when you're called off break to do their jobs for them.

                                            >Just thinking of all the times you were forced away from enjoying a well deserved rest - and sometimes meal - still puts anger in your veins.

                                            >Although, you never really brought up your disdain for the other races often with your fellow unicorns, because the last time you did, they didn't really share the same viewpoint.

                                            >Plus, that almost got you fired.

                                            >Lots of bits were lost that day, all because you just had to point out the differences between all three races. They're facts, not opinions!

                                            >Those insolent, brainless hornheads that call themselves unicorns!

                                            >You just wanted to show them the truth, but they won't accept it!

                                            >How can one voluntarily turn a blind eye to such a thing, and to even actively try to suppress it!

                                            >It's all just- augh!

                                            >Calm down, Sparkling. Breathe. In, out. In, out.

                                            >That calms your nerves, if only slightly, as you continue your search.

                                            >Let's see, Anon was last reported around the Hayward District acting suspicious.

                                            >You aren't too sure on what "suspicious" entails, but knowing Anon, it probably means "up to no good."

                                            >A quick trot around the area reveals nothing, until you hear a deep voice from near a store.

                                            >You spot Anon once you turn the corner.

                                            >He's currently hunched over a pony, who's wearing some fancy dress, arms outstretched on both sides of them.

                                            >The mare's eyes are bulging out, her body low near the ground, ears flat.

                                            >You know when a citizen is feeling threatened when you see it.

                                            >Gotta put a stop to this right now.

                                            >Your armor's clatter, amplified by your gallop, alerts the perpetrator to your presence, who quickly tries to straighten himself.

                                            >The victim immediately sees her chance and bolts away.

                                            >You don't blame her, but now you'll need to track her down for questioning.

                                            >More on your plate, exactly what you need this morning.

                                            >Just as Anon starts trying to leave, you call out.

                                            "Anon, stop! What were you doing?"

                                            >He stops midstride at your voice, before turning around to respond.

                                            >"shieeeeeeet cuh'. i dindu 'nuffin."

                                            >You skid to a stop, close to Anon where you don't have to shout, but far enough that he can't reach you with his long arms.

                                            >His current attire is a baggy shirt thing paired with equally baggy pants which are set low, revealing, oddly enough, another set of pants.

                                            "Anon, I've reports that you were acting suspicious around this district. So what were doing?"

                                            >"i ain't doin' 'nuffin, offica."

                                            >The way he spits that last word makes you a bit uneasy.

                                            "Anon! I clearly saw you harassing that mare! Make it easy for the both of us; tell me what you were up to. I'm sure the court will be lenient towards you for telling the truth."

                                            >Actually, you're pretty sure the court is /this/ close to snapping from Anon's antics.

                                            >Then they'll lock him up for Celestia-knows-how-long and Canterlot will finally be free from this menace.

                                            >You can't wait for that day to happen; you'll gather everypony and drink until sunrise.

                                            >For now, you can only hope.

                                            >"aw, c'mon, nigga! i's be sayin i ain't doin shiet."

                                            >Oh yeah, apparently his species are called "nigas," according to the report you read after first encountering him.

                                            >That encounter was downright awful, but like the good guard you are, you went off to research about him in order to learn the best way to deal with him.

                                            >Spoiler: there is no "best way."

                                            >He first appeared in an undisclosed location and was immediately brought in for questioning - he was something nopony had ever seen before.

                                            >With the promise of food, they managed to convince him to spill the beans on what he was exactly.

                                            >Turns out, they couldn't extract much information about his species, except that they are a bunch of brown coated - er, skinned bipeds, with a close relation to monkies or gorillas.

                                            >Anon came from a place called "Dehtroyt" and that's about it for his natural habitat. It seems that the species is intelligent to some degree, based on the fact that Anon arrived wearing clothing that is akin to modern pony apparel.

                                            >Although, you aren't sure how his species has survived for so long, based off of Anon's... intelligence. It seemed downright impossible that they managed to survive long enough to produce modern clothing; in fact it seemed they would have instantly collapsed upon themselves or at least remained primitive.

                                            "Gah! Look, Anon, I'm going to bring you in for a little bit of questioning, ok?"

                                            >Before you even finish the sentence, Anon is already angsty, becoming more animate.

                                            >"i dun do nothing tho!"

                                            "I saw you harassing that mare, don't you deny it! It's only going to be for a short while, so come along, Anon."

                                            >You've decided that getting Anon off the streets, and away from ponies, as the best course of action.

                                            >Without him on the streets, ponies won't be randomly assaulted by some big dumb monkey alien, and you can always dump him in some other precint later.

                                            >Or, he could learn his lesson. Not dealing with this monkey for the rest of your life would be perfect.

                                            >Ha! Like that will ever happen.

                                            >A mare can dream, though.

                                            >"nah."

                                            "Don't make this any more difficult than you have to. Come along with me, Anon."

                                            >"nuh uh. i dont haff to."

                                            "Yes you do."

                                            >"its muh right. i dont have to go."

                                            >You start to trickle the arcanes into your horn, just enough so that it lights up.

                                            "Anon. I'm politely asking you."

                                            >"nah nigga! you can't take me!"

                                            >You take a step forward, he takes one back.

                                            "Don't make me do this, Anon."

                                            >"bitch hol' the fuck up. i do nothing, and you tryna bring me in!"

                                            "You're harassing ponies, for Celestia's sake! Do I need to drill that fact into your brain like a schoolfilly? I need to put you in so you don't mess with others while I get a statement from that mare who ran off!"

                                            >"i wuz only talkin to her."

                                            "With your arms outstretched to either side of her? With the look of fear on her face?"

                                            >"uhhhh, yeah?"

                                            "Nice try. I'm bringing you in."

                                            >He simply shrugs, then slips his hands into the low pocket on his shirt.

                                            >"naw."

                                            "Don't do this, Anon."

                                            >"nope! you can't prove i do nothing wrong so i stays here!"

                                            >The next word comes out of your mouth in a growl.

                                            "Anon."

                                            >"you go get yo superior or anything, i aint talkin to you! you dun noe the law!"

                                            >His stance is much more aggressive; you've had to take a few steps back to keep your distance.

                                            >By now, a small group of ponies has crowded around the two of you due to the commotion. Curious eyes are mostly set on the niga, as most ponies have yet to see, and learn to avoid, the terrible creature.

                                            >Aw, snap. You can't just zap him in front of all these ponies.

                                            >They'll only see that you're attacking him out of the blue, and that'll be reported to the guard.

                                            >One thing they teach you in hoof camp is to not dishonor the guard.

                                            >You take a deep breath, and exhale. Best play this cool.

                                            >Anon apparently takes notice, as his eyes start wandering the crowd.

                                            >In an instant, his demeanor changes.

                                            >"damn! ta whitey still tryna bring me down! even afta i go to a whole notha' world!"

                                            >Sparkling, it's only words. Words can't hurt you. You got this.

                                            "There's no need to talk like that, Anon. We're all friends here, right?"

                                            >You take a look around the crowd, your award winning smile on show.

                                            >Several ponies in the crowd nod their heads in agreement.

                                            >Nice! Situation: controlled.

                                            >"ha! its cause i ain't a white pony, huh? yous think you better than me cause you da majority while i a minority!"

                                            "I don't know why you're so obsessed with coat color, but no, I don't think me, or those in the crowd, think you're below us ponies! Like I said, we're all friends here, and friends don't hurt one another."

                                            >More nods.

                                            >"nah, nigga! you ain't got what i want and you's be threatening me! you thinks i stupid or some shit? you got da eyes of a waycist!"

                                            "What? Anon, I didn't do anything remotely racist against you, or even threaten you!"

                                            >"oh boo hoo hoo. they's always say that. it because i a black man right? you think you're all better with yo mayo ass skin that we's blacks are below you!"

                                            "No! It has absolutely nothing to do with your color! Have you even seen the ponies here? We're all different colors and we get along!"

                                            >"oh sweet baby jesus above! the whitey tryna act all high and mighty!"

                                            >For some inexplicable reason, some of the crowd begin to nod their heads.

                                            >What the Tartarus.

                                            >"das rite! yous whitey be tryna drag da black man down again. i say no more! we wuz kangz in our world, we kangz here too! this our world nigga!"

                                            >Oh, that's it.

                                            "It's not your world! Equestria belongs to ponies, not you!"

                                            >"fuck you, horse nigga!"

                                            "H-HORSE!? Why, you- you monkey!"

                                            >The crowd collectively gasps at your remark.

                                            >You don't care.

                                            >Your horn is instantly ablaze, arcane magics coursing through the grooves as your spell begins its physical manifestation.

                                            >The magic arcs out, zapping Anon with a "bzzzt!"

                                            >Somehow, he doesn't fall down!

                                            >Instead, he only jolts in place, a knife coming out of his pocket as his arms run rigid to his sides!

                                            >"AUUUUUGH! THIS PIG SHOT ME!"

                                            "I'M NOT A PIG, YOU STUPID BLACK MONKEY!"

                                            >Need more power for the next one!

                                            >"O SHIT SHE TRYNA KILL ME! HELP ME! HELP ME!"

                                            >He immediately takes off, quickly gaining distance between the two of you, knocking several ponies to the ground as he makes his escape.

                                            "ANON!"

                                            >Your next stun bolt misses entirely - this is only the second time you've dealt with him and his zero to sprint speed is faster than ponies'!

                                            >You aren't trained to take down nigas!

                                            >Mare, he's fast. Too fast! You need backup!

                                            >As you begin to chase after Anon while charging up another bolt, he quickly turns a corner.

                                            >Before you can even call for help, Anon steps onto the cuff of his low pants and lands flat on his face.

                                            >"Blaugh!"

                                            >You take the opportunity to carefully aim your horn as he tries to scramble back up.

                                            >Full power should do it.

                                            >Bzzzzt!

                                            >"Urk-!"

                                            >Just like that, Anon is knocked out cold.

                                            >Unicorn master race, filly.

                                            >Ok, time to get him to his rightful pla-

                                            >Ugh, never mind, he's too heavy to move.

                                            >Still master race, though. He's just fat. Or something. Probably stuffs his face every night.

                                            >Gotta call backup and ask for a cart for this fatty monkey.

                                            >At least that's one thing off your back.

                                            >You take a seat on the collapsed beast, pinning him with your puny weight. Horn still charged, too.

                                            >Just in case.

                                            >Now, what's for lunch?

                                            >A drink sounds perfect.


                                            https://ponepaste.org/8466