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Waiting

By NHanon
Created: 2022-11-13 14:32:38
Expiry: Never
dark/emo/kirabambi

  1. >Waiting.
  2. >Been sitting here, waiting here, in this place.
  3. >Keeping track of time while waiting is pointless.
  4. >Although there has been many events that have come and gone while waiting, they don’t matter.
  5. >Many more will occur after waiting, and they will continue to not matter, period.
  6. >Day in, day out, it’s the same routine of waiting patiently for things to come an end.
  7. >To some, this would be maddening.
  8. >For others, it’d be a comfort of sorts.
  9. >It is neither for you, just a time where nothing else matters in the world.
  10. >Studying this place happens from time to time, usually in another routine like manner.
  11. >These floors, walls, and ceilings might as well be the same, though.
  12. >In fact, all the rooms here are the same.
  13. >That too, might bring about madness.
  14. >Again, it does nothing for you.
  15. >There isn’t anything else to do here that would be interesting.
  16. >Eventually, some pony will come along in an attempt to break up the wait.
  17. >They fail to do so every time.
  18. >All of their appearances have bled together into a simple single shape.
  19. >Because like everything else here, they too, are the same.
  20. >The first word that comes to mind to describe it all would be… disgusting.
  21. >Even after they arrive and/or leave, the wait is not yet over either.
  22. >That only comes when she arrives; seeing her, talking with her, it grants a moment of peace.
  23. >She is the only one that matters, period.
  24. >If you could, you’d leave this place to be with her.
  25. >Well, sometimes you have ‘left’, but sooner or later, you’ll end up back here.
  26. >There isn’t a choice in being free.
  27. >The decision for that was made some time ago, and will /never/ be undone.
  28. >It doesn’t matter what they say otherwise, they’re liars.
  29. >So this is what life is: sitting here, staring, waiting on her, forever.
  30. >Sometimes, the past comes about, and is often uncalled for.
  31. >Nothing puts it to rest, though, so it is allowed to persist until it finally relinquishes the hold it has on you.
  32. >Right now, it has taken hold again.
  33.  
  34. >It’s the claim that ponies have made about how they’re different form one another.
  35. >They’re idiots.
  36. >You /are/ different, too different from everypony else.
  37. >It wasn’t just the colors of your coat, mane and tail.
  38. >What truly set everything apart from them, was how you expressed yourself…
  39. >...or rather, how you ‘lacked’ the ability to express yourself.
  40. >Of course, that wasn’t true in the slightest, it’s just what they said and thought about you.
  41. >Why smile all the time like they did? There is no reason to be happy all the time.
  42. >Frowning all the time is not much different either, as it implies that everything is displeasing.
  43. >Talking frequently is pointless as well, so silence being the native tongue makes much more sense.
  44. >All of these choices and more, are normal to you.
  45. >To everypony else however, those choices are wrong, very wrong.
  46. >Because of these differences (among others), it separated you from everypony.
  47. >No, that isn’t right, it was more akin to complete alienation.
  48. >That in turn, made things difficult while growing up, and even after.
  49. >You are the punching bag; an excuse to take out all the frustrations for everything wrong in the world.
  50. >Not a soul around would dare help either, because why would they?
  51. >They were in on it was well, and were /never/ secretive about that fact.
  52. >As a result of all of this, torment became a daily occurrence.
  53. >But despite what they all think, you DO feel things, and DO express those feelings.
  54. >Even if it’s not like how they do it, these expressions of yours are just as real as theirs.
  55. >It’s just an unfortunate coincidence that anger and despair reign supreme over all other feelings.
  56. >Both were birthed and nurtured by torment; both revolved around one another; the inability to fit in, how ignorant others are, and more.
  57. >In time, walls were built up to keep everything else out.
  58. >That did not stop the trouble, nor did it make life easier, instead, it made isolation the norm.
  59.  
  60. >The interest in magic was born there, which fed the idea that there was a way to correct these problems.
  61. >However, that eventually turned against you, for many reasons…
  62. >Those very same reasons lead to a downward descent.
  63. >As you went further and further down, there was a hope that something – anything – could be found to understand why this was all happening to you.
  64. >At the very bottom of that fall was… nothing.
  65. >Or so it seemed, for in that nothing was the truth that devoured your very being; one that hurt with more force than all the combined pain ever felt.
  66. >You understood at last: there was no reason for any of this, because life is meaningless.
  67. >Well, that’s not entirely true.
  68. >There is something worth meaning in life, or better put, your life.
  69. >Once she arrives, that meaning will be reinforced for a time as it always does.
  70. >Sometimes she won’t show up, which makes things… painful.
  71. >But she always comes back, she has to.
  72. >If she were to never show again, well… that’s…
  73. >The door to this room opens suddenly, thus ending the past.
  74. >In strides a pony, adorned with the mask of friendly (cruel) lies.
  75. >Beneath that facade is something that brings hurt, and not just to you, but to others as well.
  76. >“How are you feeling today?”
  77. >Silence is the only suitable answer here, for anything else would be more than this pony deserves.
  78. >Words flow out fo the pony’s mouth are turned out for the most part.
  79. >“...the usual.”
  80. >Save for those last two.
  81. >Their meaning is understood perfectly; a rehearsed, tired routine.
  82. >This is tolerable, this is acceptable, this is necessary.
  83. >If it was ignored, then it would lead to her not arriving to end the wait.
  84. >Even if this lasts five hours or five minutes, any time spent is worth it for her.
  85. >“...come with me.”
  86. >The mask doesn’t shift in the slightest as it stares holes into your very being with that same ‘friendly’ expression.
  87. >Disgusting.
  88.  
  89. >Nothing is needed to be said or done in response to that thought however, just do as you’re told.
  90. >Obeying is slavery, yet the alternative is losing what matters in life, her.
  91. >The labyrinth of hallways are observed while following along.
  92. >They bled together, like everything else here has.
  93. >The smells, the sounds, and the sounds here can be described in a single solitary word: sterile.
  94. >In all of this place’s paleness, it’s lifelessness, it is like this is the body of death itself.
  95. >And it is cold, unforgiving, and unrelenting, yet, patient, like you.
  96. >An overreach of thought, maybe, but a thought nonetheless.
  97. >You come into a room with the pony, and this one like the others: the same.
  98. >The pony begins to talk, though the words hold no real meaning.
  99. >Autopilot takes hold, giving all the robotic precision necessary for this time spent here.
  100. >Ever word uttered from your tongue is fake, as is every action.
  101. >It’s all for them to hear what they want to hear, see what they want to see, nothing more, nothing less.
  102. >They never seem to notice this fact, not that they would care even if they did.
  103. >This is just a game for them; another way to inflict further torment upon you.
  104. >Learned that through trial and error.
  105. >Yet in spite of that, this is tolerated, this is waiting, for her.
  106. >That is all that is needed, for now anyways.
  107. >This whole session goes on for a time, though it’s not cared for nor concerned with how long it lasts.
  108. >Eventually, it comes to an end, and for a moment, you notice that there are other ponies here.
  109. >They must have shown up at one point.
  110. >There are smiles all around.
  111. >Disgusting.
  112. >One of them speaks, though it barely registers.
  113. >“...with that said, I hope you have a good day.”
  114. >With that, you’re brought back to the room you were in before.
  115. >And again, you’re staring at the wall.
  116. >Waiting.
  117.  
  118. >Thoughts trickle in to fill the absent space here.
  119. >Among them, are emotions tied to memories of a time ago.
  120. >They bob about the surface of the waters of your mind, like buoys that signal the ships at sea.
  121. >Instead of giving direction, or preventing trouble, they cause pain.
  122. >So. Very. Much. Pain.
  123. >And hate.
  124. >You hate this.
  125. >You. Hate. This.
  126. >All of it, ever last speck of this place, along with all those within it.
  127. >But above all things hated, is yourself.
  128. >Ponies say that is bad to hate yourself.
  129. >They’re idiots.
  130. >There is no justifiable reason to not hate yourself.
  131. >You hate what you are.
  132. >You hate what you’ve done.
  133. >You hate what you will do.
  134. >If it were possible, the hate would stop, and the pain along with it.
  135. >All of it could be gone right now, in a single instance.
  136. >A long, long time ago, you tried to do just that.
  137. >And you failed.
  138. >Miserably.
  139. >It was then that things were decided for you.
  140. >It was then that you stayed here.
  141. >A fitting punishment for somepony /different/.
  142. >As much as this should all end, it cannot, at least, not yet.
  143. >Existing for her is something that even somepony /different/ like you can do.
  144.  
  145. >At last, the eye of the storm is reached; bringing a sort of calm in the torrential waters of your mind.
  146. >This is welcome for the time being.
  147. >But you’re still here.
  148. >Waiting.
  149. >Although the sands of time slowly countdown, it’s not all frightening.
  150. >Once upon a time, though, it was.
  151. >That was then, this is now.
  152. >Some shuffling comes from outside the room, followed by the door opening.
  153. >A pony enters, masked just like all the rest here.
  154. >Disgusting.
  155. >Most of what is said is tuned out, save for the very last words that hold your enrapture your attention.
  156. >“...see her?”
  157. “Yes.”
  158. >For the first time today, that’s something that isn’t fake from you.
  159. >It is good.
  160. >The labyrinth is navigated once more, yet everything about it is drowned out.
  161. >An unseen force draws you forth with every step taken.
  162. >Whatever causes it is welcome, for now.
  163.  
  164. >Another room like all the others is where you end up at.
  165. >However, there are other ponies here this time.
  166. >They’re mingling about in their huddled masses.
  167. >What they say, or do, holds no meaning whatsoever.
  168. >For they are all the same.
  169. >Disgusting.
  170. >Amid the sea of sameness, there is a light that stands out.
  171. >Seeing it stirs something inside; something old, something true, something that is you.
  172. >Why not run to it? Says a voice.
  173. >Because it will hurt.
  174. >Why not talk to it? Says another.
  175. >Because it will hurt.
  176. >Then what will you do? Asks one.
  177. >Without warning, a step forward is taken, then another, and another.
  178. >Finally, you’re standing in front of the source.
  179. >Everything falls into focus slowly, and the world around takes genuine form.
  180. >Even so, everything else is not important to what is front of you; a tan mare with a black and green mane.
  181. >There’s very slight twitch upon your lips, though it is resisted.
  182. >Feels as though your very being is about to become undone.
  183. >And in truth, it is.
  184. >But it must be restrained.
  185. >Silence hangs about the air for several moments before something is mustered forth.
  186. >With a barely hidden controlled breath in/out, two words spill out.
  187. “Hello, Bambi.”
  188. >“Hello, Kira.”
  189. >She’s here, the wait is over, at last.
  190. >So much needs to be said, so much needs to shared with her.
  191. >Again, it has to be restrained.
  192. >Buried deep beneath those golden eyes of hers, lies so much pain.
  193. >It’s something you know all too well.
  194. >Although it is different kind, it is still a reflection of yourself.
  195. >Don’t stand here awkwardly, say something.
  196. “You look… tired.”
  197. >“So do you.” She replies.
  198. >There’s something more here, it’s felt in the air around her.
  199. “I might be, but I know you /are/ tired; I can read you.”
  200. >She gives a small shrug in return.
  201. >She’s hiding something.
  202. >Wish she didn’t do that, it’s a bad habit.
  203. >It’s something you hate, and worst of all, it hurts.
  204. >Then something must be done about it.
  205.  
  206. “How have things been lately?”
  207. >“Fine.”
  208. >Still hiding.
  209. >Hate it.
  210. >Painful.
  211. >Losing focus, stay controlled.
  212. >Just be honest with her.
  213. >And if it ends up hurting?
  214. >Do it again anyways.
  215. “I…”
  216. >That’s it, finish the sentence.
  217. “I… I miss you.”
  218. >“I know.”
  219. >This isn’t working…
  220. >Keep going, don’t stop
  221. >It hurts.
  222. >It doesn’t matter.
  223. “Please talk to me.”
  224. >She sighs, then shakes her head.
  225. >“I am.”
  226. >Hate it.
  227. >Painful.
  228. >Stay in control, and keep going.
  229. “No you’re not. There is something you’re hiding from me.”
  230. >Her nostrils flare briefly, “Why do you always do this when I come here, huh? Isn’t me being here enough for you?”
  231. “I…”
  232. >I’m sorry.
  233. “I’m your big sister, and you’re supposed to open up to me like sisters do.”
  234. >“I do share things with you, but you don’t need to *know* everything that goes on in my life.”
  235. >It hurts, it hurts so much.
  236. >Hate it.
  237. >Pain.
  238. >She averts her eyes from yours, as if the thoughts were broadcast out loud.
  239. >Silence falls between the two of you like a coat of ash; suffocating everything around.
  240. >It hurts.
  241. >It hurts so much.
  242. >Losing focus again, not sure how much longer this will last.
  243. >Then say something – ANYTHING!
  244. >No.
  245. >Why?
  246. >It hurts.
  247. >Shut up with your whining, it NEVER has helped, ever.
  248. >It-
  249. >NO, ENOUGH! Talk to her like a grown mare, like her sister.
  250. >But-
  251. >Do you want her to leave?
  252. >No…
  253. >Then speak.
  254. “Found any new games lately?”
  255. >That’s not words that you wanted to say, but it’s a start nevertheless
  256. >She lightly sighs, then gives a tiny nod, “Yeah.”
  257. >Her attention shifts back to you once more, “Want to hear about it?”
  258. >I want you to open to me, to tell me the truth, to stop-
  259. “Sure.”
  260. >The corners of her mouth raise upward into a small smile.
  261. >Briefly, there is a light warmth that flickers inside.
  262. >“All right, so it’s called: The Legend of Epona…”
  263. >Honestly, the game itself isn’t interesting in the slightest.
  264. >“...so you gotta collect loot from monster kills and smashing pots as you progress through the levels…”
  265. >But it doesn’t matter.
  266.  
  267. >“...I’m currently working on my third run, and trying to beat my best time…”
  268. >Because she is here, she is safe, she is all right.
  269. >“...the bombs are reall cool, and you can even get different kinds!”
  270. >She is all that matters, period.
  271. >The world around passes by while listening to her go on about the game.
  272. >There are moments where you give a response here or there, which keeps her engaged.
  273. >This could be the very last thing you do in life, and it would be worth it.
  274. >Someday, that will be the case.
  275. >Another voice cuts into the conversation, “I’m sorry, but visiting hours are over.”
  276. >It’s one of those other ponies here, wearing the same mask.
  277. >Disgusting.
  278. >Her smile falters for a second, then recovers, “Oh, okay. Well then, it was cool talking with you again.
  279. >Don’t leave me here, I need you, I’m sorry, I’m-
  280. “Yeah, you too.”
  281. >“I’ll be back again soon, though, all right?”
  282. >She won’t.
  283. >She shouldn’t.
  284. >You don’t deserve-
  285. “Mmhm.”
  286. >“Bye, Kira.”
  287. >As she starts to move to leave, something inside breaks free for a single moment.
  288. “W-wait!”
  289. >She freezes suddenly, and looks at you with an arched brow, “What is it, is there something wrong?”
  290. >Whatever broke free is being dragged back down.
  291. >Yet as it loses ground, it attempts to continue on desperately.
  292. “I…”
  293. >Don’t stop.
  294. >Stop!
  295. “Uh…”
  296. >Don’t fight it.
  297. >Give in.
  298. “Um…”
  299. >SAY IT!
  300. >STAY SILENT!
  301. “Goodbye, Bambi.”
  302. >A wider smile crosses her face, followed by a nod.
  303. >The world around bleeds back together again in sameness as she leaves your view.
  304. >Could leave, could follow her, could be free-
  305. >Can’t leave, won’t follow her, never be free-
  306. >“Ma’am?”
  307. >That voice belongs to the same pony from before.
  308. >The friendly mask, the ugly face, that vile creature.
  309. >Should rip it all off.
  310. >Could end it so easily.
  311. >You’ve done it before, do it again, just use magic.
  312. >Do it.
  313. >Do it.
  314. >Do-
  315. >Silence overtakes everything.
  316. >From there, automatic movement falls into place.
  317. >Shortly thereafter, you’re in the room, again.
  318. >Waiting.

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