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Waiting

By NHanon
Created: 2022-11-13 14:32:38
Expiry: Never
dark/emo/kirabambi

  1. 1.
    >Waiting.
  2. 2.
    >Been sitting here, waiting here, in this place.
  3. 3.
    >Keeping track of time while waiting is pointless.
  4. 4.
    >Although there has been many events that have come and gone while waiting, they don’t matter.
  5. 5.
    >Many more will occur after waiting, and they will continue to not matter, period.
  6. 6.
    >Day in, day out, it’s the same routine of waiting patiently for things to come an end.
  7. 7.
    >To some, this would be maddening.
  8. 8.
    >For others, it’d be a comfort of sorts.
  9. 9.
    >It is neither for you, just a time where nothing else matters in the world.
  10. 10.
    >Studying this place happens from time to time, usually in another routine like manner.
  11. 11.
    >These floors, walls, and ceilings might as well be the same, though.
  12. 12.
    >In fact, all the rooms here are the same.
  13. 13.
    >That too, might bring about madness.
  14. 14.
    >Again, it does nothing for you.
  15. 15.
    >There isn’t anything else to do here that would be interesting.
  16. 16.
    >Eventually, some pony will come along in an attempt to break up the wait.
  17. 17.
    >They fail to do so every time.
  18. 18.
    >All of their appearances have bled together into a simple single shape.
  19. 19.
    >Because like everything else here, they too, are the same.
  20. 20.
    >The first word that comes to mind to describe it all would be… disgusting.
  21. 21.
    >Even after they arrive and/or leave, the wait is not yet over either.
  22. 22.
    >That only comes when she arrives; seeing her, talking with her, it grants a moment of peace.
  23. 23.
    >She is the only one that matters, period.
  24. 24.
    >If you could, you’d leave this place to be with her.
  25. 25.
    >Well, sometimes you have ‘left’, but sooner or later, you’ll end up back here.
  26. 26.
    >There isn’t a choice in being free.
  27. 27.
    >The decision for that was made some time ago, and will /never/ be undone.
  28. 28.
    >It doesn’t matter what they say otherwise, they’re liars.
  29. 29.
    >So this is what life is: sitting here, staring, waiting on her, forever.
  30. 30.
    >Sometimes, the past comes about, and is often uncalled for.
  31. 31.
    >Nothing puts it to rest, though, so it is allowed to persist until it finally relinquishes the hold it has on you.
  32. 32.
    >Right now, it has taken hold again.
  33. 33.
     
  34. 34.
    >It’s the claim that ponies have made about how they’re different form one another.
  35. 35.
    >They’re idiots.
  36. 36.
    >You /are/ different, too different from everypony else.
  37. 37.
    >It wasn’t just the colors of your coat, mane and tail.
  38. 38.
    >What truly set everything apart from them, was how you expressed yourself…
  39. 39.
    >...or rather, how you ‘lacked’ the ability to express yourself.
  40. 40.
    >Of course, that wasn’t true in the slightest, it’s just what they said and thought about you.
  41. 41.
    >Why smile all the time like they did? There is no reason to be happy all the time.
  42. 42.
    >Frowning all the time is not much different either, as it implies that everything is displeasing.
  43. 43.
    >Talking frequently is pointless as well, so silence being the native tongue makes much more sense.
  44. 44.
    >All of these choices and more, are normal to you.
  45. 45.
    >To everypony else however, those choices are wrong, very wrong.
  46. 46.
    >Because of these differences (among others), it separated you from everypony.
  47. 47.
    >No, that isn’t right, it was more akin to complete alienation.
  48. 48.
    >That in turn, made things difficult while growing up, and even after.
  49. 49.
    >You are the punching bag; an excuse to take out all the frustrations for everything wrong in the world.
  50. 50.
    >Not a soul around would dare help either, because why would they?
  51. 51.
    >They were in on it was well, and were /never/ secretive about that fact.
  52. 52.
    >As a result of all of this, torment became a daily occurrence.
  53. 53.
    >But despite what they all think, you DO feel things, and DO express those feelings.
  54. 54.
    >Even if it’s not like how they do it, these expressions of yours are just as real as theirs.
  55. 55.
    >It’s just an unfortunate coincidence that anger and despair reign supreme over all other feelings.
  56. 56.
    >Both were birthed and nurtured by torment; both revolved around one another; the inability to fit in, how ignorant others are, and more.
  57. 57.
    >In time, walls were built up to keep everything else out.
  58. 58.
    >That did not stop the trouble, nor did it make life easier, instead, it made isolation the norm.
  59. 59.
     
  60. 60.
    >The interest in magic was born there, which fed the idea that there was a way to correct these problems.
  61. 61.
    >However, that eventually turned against you, for many reasons…
  62. 62.
    >Those very same reasons lead to a downward descent.
  63. 63.
    >As you went further and further down, there was a hope that something – anything – could be found to understand why this was all happening to you.
  64. 64.
    >At the very bottom of that fall was… nothing.
  65. 65.
    >Or so it seemed, for in that nothing was the truth that devoured your very being; one that hurt with more force than all the combined pain ever felt.
  66. 66.
    >You understood at last: there was no reason for any of this, because life is meaningless.
  67. 67.
    >Well, that’s not entirely true.
  68. 68.
    >There is something worth meaning in life, or better put, your life.
  69. 69.
    >Once she arrives, that meaning will be reinforced for a time as it always does.
  70. 70.
    >Sometimes she won’t show up, which makes things… painful.
  71. 71.
    >But she always comes back, she has to.
  72. 72.
    >If she were to never show again, well… that’s…
  73. 73.
    >The door to this room opens suddenly, thus ending the past.
  74. 74.
    >In strides a pony, adorned with the mask of friendly (cruel) lies.
  75. 75.
    >Beneath that facade is something that brings hurt, and not just to you, but to others as well.
  76. 76.
    >“How are you feeling today?”
  77. 77.
    >Silence is the only suitable answer here, for anything else would be more than this pony deserves.
  78. 78.
    >Words flow out fo the pony’s mouth are turned out for the most part.
  79. 79.
    >“...the usual.”
  80. 80.
    >Save for those last two.
  81. 81.
    >Their meaning is understood perfectly; a rehearsed, tired routine.
  82. 82.
    >This is tolerable, this is acceptable, this is necessary.
  83. 83.
    >If it was ignored, then it would lead to her not arriving to end the wait.
  84. 84.
    >Even if this lasts five hours or five minutes, any time spent is worth it for her.
  85. 85.
    >“...come with me.”
  86. 86.
    >The mask doesn’t shift in the slightest as it stares holes into your very being with that same ‘friendly’ expression.
  87. 87.
    >Disgusting.
  88. 88.
     
  89. 89.
    >Nothing is needed to be said or done in response to that thought however, just do as you’re told.
  90. 90.
    >Obeying is slavery, yet the alternative is losing what matters in life, her.
  91. 91.
    >The labyrinth of hallways are observed while following along.
  92. 92.
    >They bled together, like everything else here has.
  93. 93.
    >The smells, the sounds, and the sounds here can be described in a single solitary word: sterile.
  94. 94.
    >In all of this place’s paleness, it’s lifelessness, it is like this is the body of death itself.
  95. 95.
    >And it is cold, unforgiving, and unrelenting, yet, patient, like you.
  96. 96.
    >An overreach of thought, maybe, but a thought nonetheless.
  97. 97.
    >You come into a room with the pony, and this one like the others: the same.
  98. 98.
    >The pony begins to talk, though the words hold no real meaning.
  99. 99.
    >Autopilot takes hold, giving all the robotic precision necessary for this time spent here.
  100. 100.
    >Ever word uttered from your tongue is fake, as is every action.
  101. 101.
    >It’s all for them to hear what they want to hear, see what they want to see, nothing more, nothing less.
  102. 102.
    >They never seem to notice this fact, not that they would care even if they did.
  103. 103.
    >This is just a game for them; another way to inflict further torment upon you.
  104. 104.
    >Learned that through trial and error.
  105. 105.
    >Yet in spite of that, this is tolerated, this is waiting, for her.
  106. 106.
    >That is all that is needed, for now anyways.
  107. 107.
    >This whole session goes on for a time, though it’s not cared for nor concerned with how long it lasts.
  108. 108.
    >Eventually, it comes to an end, and for a moment, you notice that there are other ponies here.
  109. 109.
    >They must have shown up at one point.
  110. 110.
    >There are smiles all around.
  111. 111.
    >Disgusting.
  112. 112.
    >One of them speaks, though it barely registers.
  113. 113.
    >“...with that said, I hope you have a good day.”
  114. 114.
    >With that, you’re brought back to the room you were in before.
  115. 115.
    >And again, you’re staring at the wall.
  116. 116.
    >Waiting.
  117. 117.
     
  118. 118.
    >Thoughts trickle in to fill the absent space here.
  119. 119.
    >Among them, are emotions tied to memories of a time ago.
  120. 120.
    >They bob about the surface of the waters of your mind, like buoys that signal the ships at sea.
  121. 121.
    >Instead of giving direction, or preventing trouble, they cause pain.
  122. 122.
    >So. Very. Much. Pain.
  123. 123.
    >And hate.
  124. 124.
    >You hate this.
  125. 125.
    >You. Hate. This.
  126. 126.
    >All of it, ever last speck of this place, along with all those within it.
  127. 127.
    >But above all things hated, is yourself.
  128. 128.
    >Ponies say that is bad to hate yourself.
  129. 129.
    >They’re idiots.
  130. 130.
    >There is no justifiable reason to not hate yourself.
  131. 131.
    >You hate what you are.
  132. 132.
    >You hate what you’ve done.
  133. 133.
    >You hate what you will do.
  134. 134.
    >If it were possible, the hate would stop, and the pain along with it.
  135. 135.
    >All of it could be gone right now, in a single instance.
  136. 136.
    >A long, long time ago, you tried to do just that.
  137. 137.
    >And you failed.
  138. 138.
    >Miserably.
  139. 139.
    >It was then that things were decided for you.
  140. 140.
    >It was then that you stayed here.
  141. 141.
    >A fitting punishment for somepony /different/.
  142. 142.
    >As much as this should all end, it cannot, at least, not yet.
  143. 143.
    >Existing for her is something that even somepony /different/ like you can do.
  144. 144.
     
  145. 145.
    >At last, the eye of the storm is reached; bringing a sort of calm in the torrential waters of your mind.
  146. 146.
    >This is welcome for the time being.
  147. 147.
    >But you’re still here.
  148. 148.
    >Waiting.
  149. 149.
    >Although the sands of time slowly countdown, it’s not all frightening.
  150. 150.
    >Once upon a time, though, it was.
  151. 151.
    >That was then, this is now.
  152. 152.
    >Some shuffling comes from outside the room, followed by the door opening.
  153. 153.
    >A pony enters, masked just like all the rest here.
  154. 154.
    >Disgusting.
  155. 155.
    >Most of what is said is tuned out, save for the very last words that hold your enrapture your attention.
  156. 156.
    >“...see her?”
  157. 157.
    “Yes.”
  158. 158.
    >For the first time today, that’s something that isn’t fake from you.
  159. 159.
    >It is good.
  160. 160.
    >The labyrinth is navigated once more, yet everything about it is drowned out.
  161. 161.
    >An unseen force draws you forth with every step taken.
  162. 162.
    >Whatever causes it is welcome, for now.
  163. 163.
     
  164. 164.
    >Another room like all the others is where you end up at.
  165. 165.
    >However, there are other ponies here this time.
  166. 166.
    >They’re mingling about in their huddled masses.
  167. 167.
    >What they say, or do, holds no meaning whatsoever.
  168. 168.
    >For they are all the same.
  169. 169.
    >Disgusting.
  170. 170.
    >Amid the sea of sameness, there is a light that stands out.
  171. 171.
    >Seeing it stirs something inside; something old, something true, something that is you.
  172. 172.
    >Why not run to it? Says a voice.
  173. 173.
    >Because it will hurt.
  174. 174.
    >Why not talk to it? Says another.
  175. 175.
    >Because it will hurt.
  176. 176.
    >Then what will you do? Asks one.
  177. 177.
    >Without warning, a step forward is taken, then another, and another.
  178. 178.
    >Finally, you’re standing in front of the source.
  179. 179.
    >Everything falls into focus slowly, and the world around takes genuine form.
  180. 180.
    >Even so, everything else is not important to what is front of you; a tan mare with a black and green mane.
  181. 181.
    >There’s very slight twitch upon your lips, though it is resisted.
  182. 182.
    >Feels as though your very being is about to become undone.
  183. 183.
    >And in truth, it is.
  184. 184.
    >But it must be restrained.
  185. 185.
    >Silence hangs about the air for several moments before something is mustered forth.
  186. 186.
    >With a barely hidden controlled breath in/out, two words spill out.
  187. 187.
    “Hello, Bambi.”
  188. 188.
    >“Hello, Kira.”
  189. 189.
    >She’s here, the wait is over, at last.
  190. 190.
    >So much needs to be said, so much needs to shared with her.
  191. 191.
    >Again, it has to be restrained.
  192. 192.
    >Buried deep beneath those golden eyes of hers, lies so much pain.
  193. 193.
    >It’s something you know all too well.
  194. 194.
    >Although it is different kind, it is still a reflection of yourself.
  195. 195.
    >Don’t stand here awkwardly, say something.
  196. 196.
    “You look… tired.”
  197. 197.
    >“So do you.” She replies.
  198. 198.
    >There’s something more here, it’s felt in the air around her.
  199. 199.
    “I might be, but I know you /are/ tired; I can read you.”
  200. 200.
    >She gives a small shrug in return.
  201. 201.
    >She’s hiding something.
  202. 202.
    >Wish she didn’t do that, it’s a bad habit.
  203. 203.
    >It’s something you hate, and worst of all, it hurts.
  204. 204.
    >Then something must be done about it.
  205. 205.
     
  206. 206.
    “How have things been lately?”
  207. 207.
    >“Fine.”
  208. 208.
    >Still hiding.
  209. 209.
    >Hate it.
  210. 210.
    >Painful.
  211. 211.
    >Losing focus, stay controlled.
  212. 212.
    >Just be honest with her.
  213. 213.
    >And if it ends up hurting?
  214. 214.
    >Do it again anyways.
  215. 215.
    “I…”
  216. 216.
    >That’s it, finish the sentence.
  217. 217.
    “I… I miss you.”
  218. 218.
    >“I know.”
  219. 219.
    >This isn’t working…
  220. 220.
    >Keep going, don’t stop
  221. 221.
    >It hurts.
  222. 222.
    >It doesn’t matter.
  223. 223.
    “Please talk to me.”
  224. 224.
    >She sighs, then shakes her head.
  225. 225.
    >“I am.”
  226. 226.
    >Hate it.
  227. 227.
    >Painful.
  228. 228.
    >Stay in control, and keep going.
  229. 229.
    “No you’re not. There is something you’re hiding from me.”
  230. 230.
    >Her nostrils flare briefly, “Why do you always do this when I come here, huh? Isn’t me being here enough for you?”
  231. 231.
    “I…”
  232. 232.
    >I’m sorry.
  233. 233.
    “I’m your big sister, and you’re supposed to open up to me like sisters do.”
  234. 234.
    >“I do share things with you, but you don’t need to *know* everything that goes on in my life.”
  235. 235.
    >It hurts, it hurts so much.
  236. 236.
    >Hate it.
  237. 237.
    >Pain.
  238. 238.
    >She averts her eyes from yours, as if the thoughts were broadcast out loud.
  239. 239.
    >Silence falls between the two of you like a coat of ash; suffocating everything around.
  240. 240.
    >It hurts.
  241. 241.
    >It hurts so much.
  242. 242.
    >Losing focus again, not sure how much longer this will last.
  243. 243.
    >Then say something – ANYTHING!
  244. 244.
    >No.
  245. 245.
    >Why?
  246. 246.
    >It hurts.
  247. 247.
    >Shut up with your whining, it NEVER has helped, ever.
  248. 248.
    >It-
  249. 249.
    >NO, ENOUGH! Talk to her like a grown mare, like her sister.
  250. 250.
    >But-
  251. 251.
    >Do you want her to leave?
  252. 252.
    >No…
  253. 253.
    >Then speak.
  254. 254.
    “Found any new games lately?”
  255. 255.
    >That’s not words that you wanted to say, but it’s a start nevertheless
  256. 256.
    >She lightly sighs, then gives a tiny nod, “Yeah.”
  257. 257.
    >Her attention shifts back to you once more, “Want to hear about it?”
  258. 258.
    >I want you to open to me, to tell me the truth, to stop-
  259. 259.
    “Sure.”
  260. 260.
    >The corners of her mouth raise upward into a small smile.
  261. 261.
    >Briefly, there is a light warmth that flickers inside.
  262. 262.
    >“All right, so it’s called: The Legend of Epona…”
  263. 263.
    >Honestly, the game itself isn’t interesting in the slightest.
  264. 264.
    >“...so you gotta collect loot from monster kills and smashing pots as you progress through the levels…”
  265. 265.
    >But it doesn’t matter.
  266. 266.
     
  267. 267.
    >“...I’m currently working on my third run, and trying to beat my best time…”
  268. 268.
    >Because she is here, she is safe, she is all right.
  269. 269.
    >“...the bombs are reall cool, and you can even get different kinds!”
  270. 270.
    >She is all that matters, period.
  271. 271.
    >The world around passes by while listening to her go on about the game.
  272. 272.
    >There are moments where you give a response here or there, which keeps her engaged.
  273. 273.
    >This could be the very last thing you do in life, and it would be worth it.
  274. 274.
    >Someday, that will be the case.
  275. 275.
    >Another voice cuts into the conversation, “I’m sorry, but visiting hours are over.”
  276. 276.
    >It’s one of those other ponies here, wearing the same mask.
  277. 277.
    >Disgusting.
  278. 278.
    >Her smile falters for a second, then recovers, “Oh, okay. Well then, it was cool talking with you again.
  279. 279.
    >Don’t leave me here, I need you, I’m sorry, I’m-
  280. 280.
    “Yeah, you too.”
  281. 281.
    >“I’ll be back again soon, though, all right?”
  282. 282.
    >She won’t.
  283. 283.
    >She shouldn’t.
  284. 284.
    >You don’t deserve-
  285. 285.
    “Mmhm.”
  286. 286.
    >“Bye, Kira.”
  287. 287.
    >As she starts to move to leave, something inside breaks free for a single moment.
  288. 288.
    “W-wait!”
  289. 289.
    >She freezes suddenly, and looks at you with an arched brow, “What is it, is there something wrong?”
  290. 290.
    >Whatever broke free is being dragged back down.
  291. 291.
    >Yet as it loses ground, it attempts to continue on desperately.
  292. 292.
    “I…”
  293. 293.
    >Don’t stop.
  294. 294.
    >Stop!
  295. 295.
    “Uh…”
  296. 296.
    >Don’t fight it.
  297. 297.
    >Give in.
  298. 298.
    “Um…”
  299. 299.
    >SAY IT!
  300. 300.
    >STAY SILENT!
  301. 301.
    “Goodbye, Bambi.”
  302. 302.
    >A wider smile crosses her face, followed by a nod.
  303. 303.
    >The world around bleeds back together again in sameness as she leaves your view.
  304. 304.
    >Could leave, could follow her, could be free-
  305. 305.
    >Can’t leave, won’t follow her, never be free-
  306. 306.
    >“Ma’am?”
  307. 307.
    >That voice belongs to the same pony from before.
  308. 308.
    >The friendly mask, the ugly face, that vile creature.
  309. 309.
    >Should rip it all off.
  310. 310.
    >Could end it so easily.
  311. 311.
    >You’ve done it before, do it again, just use magic.
  312. 312.
    >Do it.
  313. 313.
    >Do it.
  314. 314.
    >Do-
  315. 315.
    >Silence overtakes everything.
  316. 316.
    >From there, automatic movement falls into place.
  317. 317.
    >Shortly thereafter, you’re in the room, again.
  318. 318.
    >Waiting.

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