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It's Raining Mares

By Hugh_Neutron
Created: 2022-12-26 01:00:30
Updated: 2023-07-22 06:58:48
Expiry: Never
anoncomedyshortmane 6rgrecaramelstallionism curingsong parodyit's raining men

  1. Comedic short green.
  2. Song parody of 'It's Raining Men'.
  3. https://youtu.be/l5aZJBLAu1E
  4.  
  5. -----
  6.  
  7. You are the one, the only, Anon the anonymous human.
  8. It's a very special day today because it's your birthday.
  9. You invited all your friends to the bar for the night and bought the first round.
  10. Your boys Big Mac, Caramel, Pokey Pierce and the compadre of six mares you called the Mane 6.
  11. Pinkie Pie, Applejack, Rainbow Dash, Fluttershy , Twilight, and Rarity.
  12. You slurped down your beer like it was going out of style, trying to keep up with RainbowDash and Applejack, already sloshed like there was no tomorrow.
  13. Seeing everyone’s glasses getting low, you order another pitcher.
  14. “Hey let's start a game of beer pong. Losers have to buy the next pitcher.”
  15. Rainbow was quick to jump in.
  16. >Oh you are so on. Nobody’s been able to beat Pinkie and me.
  17. Rarity was raring to go too, quickly claiming Fluttershy as her teammate.
  18. Everything was going great until Caramel started pipeing up about the stallionism thing again.
  19. >I’m not going to play into your Marechismo posturing.
  20. “If you don’t want to play that's fine Caramel but do you really have to say it like that?”
  21. >Yes I do. The culture war has to be fought on all fronts if any progress is to be made. And don’t try to exclude me just because I don’t fit in with your idea of what a stallion should be!
  22. Hermetic submarine hatches couldn’t contain your sigh.
  23. Caramel had recently been reading magazines about Stalionism and the Maretriarchy.
  24. He could not shut up about it for the love of Celestia.
  25. It’s been getting worse, dragging every conversation into that sticky subject and it didn’t matter what you argued he had a retort that sounded perfectly stupid.
  26. He was a good guy but all this Stallionism stuff is grating on your mind.
  27. “Whatever Caramel just sit off to the side and cheer or something. I want to do this so can you just let it go for a bro?”
  28. >Fine I’ll let it go but you’re being a total Pick-Me right now.
  29. You ignored that last comment.
  30. Applejack and Twilight won the competition with you and Big Mac coming in second.
  31. The big lug could really pull his weight and you weren’t a slouch either.
  32. Pokey had to sit out as he didn’t have a partner.
  33. >It's okay guys I’m not that into competitions anyways.
  34. Caramel kept his word and barely commented on the competition but it seemed like the rest of the night was fair game.
  35.  
  36. "Hey Pokey, I think that mare is giving you the eye!"
  37. >Really? Which one.
  38. "Don’t look just yet! It’s Carrottop at 5 o'clock."
  39. Pokey bounced with giddiness.
  40. >Ooh what should I do?
  41. "Just play it cool and give them a seductive look. Like this."
  42. You shoot Pokey a smoldering look. Everypony in earshot laughs at your mangled face.
  43. “Alright, fine. Just look and wave or something, then lift your tail!”
  44. >Come on Anon, We’re not cucumbers for any mare to spear herself on. Quit pressuring Pokey.
  45. Caramel shoots a withering stare over his shoulder and you know that Carrottop won’t ever come by now.
  46.  
  47. “It’s a crying shame that so many stallions are getting into the porn business but I wonder how much ponies would pay for my bath water. Twilight can you give a market breakdown?”
  48. >Hmmm well I’ve heard popular colts can get as much as 200 bits for a container and sell the whole tub. Attractive unknown colts could probably get 30 bits per container.
  49. “*Whistle* Hot damn that's obscene. How much for piss?”
  50. Rarity screams with horror, covering her ears.
  51. Applejack inhales her drink and almost dies laughing.
  52.  
  53. >(Caramel) I’m telling you, the Maretriarchy is real. Why else would there only be female princesses?
  54. >(Fluttershy) Well i’m not sure-
  55. >(Caramel) Our own mayor is a female. When’s the last time you saw a male mayor?
  56. >(F) it's probably just-
  57. >(C) Fluttershy you're a good listener. We need more mares like you.
  58. >(F) I haven't even-
  59. >(C) Don't worry, you're going to make a progressive stallion very happy one day.
  60.  
  61. Pinkie yells at you.
  62. >Yeah well for 5 bits I DARE you to bearhug Rainbow!
  63. “Yeah well for 10 bits I DOUBLE DARE you to slap BigMac’s ass!”
  64. >Yeah well for 15 bits I TRIPLE DARE you to motorboat Applejacks tuft!
  65. “Yeah well for 20 bits I QUADRUPLE DARE you to goggles Pokey’s balls!”
  66. >Yeah well for 25 bits I QUINTUPLE DARE you to kiss ME on the lips!
  67. Your arms shoot out to grip Pinkie’s skull in a iron kungfu deathgrip but a brown blur intersperses itself between you two.
  68. >Anon you can’t do this! You’re trashed on beer. She’s taking advantage of you right now and you can’t consent.
  69. You gently place a heavy Bane hand on Caramel’s shoulder and gently grasp his nape.
  70. “Caramel, I need a word with you.”
  71. A bone chilling sobering cold descends on your face and Caramel can see it.
  72.  
  73. “What the hell is wrong with you? I was about to loose lips and sink ships if you know what I’m saying!”
  74. >I’m just trying to protect you Anon. She’s a Mare and they only want one thing from you, and it's absolutely disgusting. You need to put mares in their place.
  75. “What the hell are you talking about? Mares are amazing, beautiful, fantastic. They treat us like kings already. There’s nothing wrong with them.”
  76. >Oh, sweetie.
  77. Caramel’s voice and face patronizes you.
  78. Calm down Anon, Calm.
  79. This is your bro, and your normal conflict resolution strategy of calling someone a fucking faggot doesn’t work in this world despite how hard you try.
  80. In with the butterflies, out with the bees, in with the butterflies, out with the bees.
  81. “I’ll prove it to you, just watch me.”
  82. Without another word you turn and leave.
  83.  
  84. You call out to BigMac and Pokey to meet you by the bar.
  85. 3 boys, 3 tequila shots, and a talk with the bartender and you’re all set.
  86. >(BM) Are we sure about this?
  87. >(P) I think Anon’s right. Caramel’s is out of control.
  88. “Alright then, let's get going.”
  89. Pokey heads into the crowd while you and Bigmac head to the stage.
  90. The DJ gets a tip from the bartender while you and Bigmac grab the mics.
  91. Now, with a prayer in your mind and copious alcohol flowing through your veins, you step out to the stage.
  92. The last song ends just as you start speaking.
  93. “Hey everypony listen up. This is important.”
  94. The bar chatter falls silent. BigMac scoots on stage next to you.
  95. You slow your voice down and take the edge out, trying to sound as smooth as possible.
  96. “Every colt here tonight. Find those fillies that you like, you know who they are. Now give them *all* a good long look, check them out real good. You too ‘C’, you know it's my birthday.”
  97. Several stallions start looking around at their objects of affection.
  98. Caramel even joins in after your cajoling.
  99. You see Pokey on his special mission to talk to Caramel’s secret crushes and set events in motion.
  100. The Mane 6 are all looking at you with wide eyes waiting for the show.
  101. “Now all you fillies here, find those colts giving you the eye or any colt that you got the hots for tonight. Walk over to there and give them a slap on the ass just like *this*.”
  102. You slap BigMac on the ass hard enough to make him neigh. He shoots you a glare right after.
  103. You just laugh and hook your arm around him and soon his glare turns to a smile.
  104. “They love it, trust me. Even if they say they don’t.”
  105. A few slaps, yells, and neighs echoed out from the crowd as they followed your instructions.
  106. Out of the corner of your eye, you see Pokey join you on stage and claim another mic.
  107. “All you mares out there tonight, you need to keep doing what you’re doing. Keep being mares. Keep being amazing. They call this instant the present and you know what, you’re the gift. This song is dedicated to you.”
  108. You signal the DJ to start the music, and start singing with Big Mac and Pokey backing you up.
  109.  
  110. >>Hi - Hi! We're your Weather Boys - Ah-huh -
  111. >>And have we got news for you - You better listen!
  112. >>Get ready, all you lonely boys
  113. >>and leave those umbrellas at home. - Alright! -
  114.  
  115. >>Humidity is rising - Barometer's getting low
  116. >>According to all sources, the street's the place to go
  117. >>Cause tonight for the first time
  118. >>In all city hectares
  119. >>For the first time in history
  120. >>It's gonna start raining mares.
  121.  
  122. The energy in the room immediately skyrockets once everypony recognizes the song.
  123. There are cheers, laughs and drunks swinging on their friends to the beat.
  124.  
  125. >>It's Raining Mares! Hallelujah! - It's Raining Mares! Sing prayers!
  126. >>I'm gonna go out to run and let myself get
  127. >>Absolutely soaking wet!
  128. >>It's Raining Mares! Hallelujah!
  129. >>It's Raining Mares! All types are There!
  130. >>Kind, brave, fun, and keen
  131. >>Fluff and buff and tuft obscene!
  132.  
  133. Mares in the room are flexing and floofing their chests with stallions ogling them.
  134.  
  135. >>God bless princess Candace, Love princess for me and you
  136. >>She begged Princess Luna, princess of the Midnight blue
  137. >>So they made the stars fly, like wings upon a bird
  138. >>So that each and every stallion could find his perfect herd
  139. >>It's Raining Mares! Hallelujah! - It's Raining Mares! Sing prayers!
  140. >>It's Raining Mares! Hallelujah!
  141. >>It's Raining Mares! Sing Pray-------ers!
  142.  
  143. The Mane 6 are cheering from the back.
  144. You wink at them as you say the word ‘herd’.
  145. Different reactions ripple through the group ranging from giddy waving to swooning to bashful hiding.
  146.  
  147. >>I feel stormy weather / Moving in about to begin
  148. >>Hear the thunder / Don't you lose your head
  149. >>Rip off the roof and stay in bed
  150.  
  151. >>God bless princess Candace, Love princess for me and you
  152. >>She begged Princess Luna, princess of the Midnight blue
  153. >>So they made the stars fly, like wings upon a bird
  154. >>So that each and every stallion could find his perfect herd
  155. >>It's Raining Mares! Yeah!
  156.  
  157. >>Humidity is rising - Barometer's getting low
  158. >>According to all sources, the street's the place to go
  159. >>Cause tonight for the first time
  160. >>In all city hectares
  161. >>For the first time in history
  162. >>It's gonna start raining mares.
  163.  
  164. >>It's Raining Mares! Hallelujah! - It's Raining Mares! Sing prayers!
  165. >>It's Raining Mares! Hallelujah! - It's Raining Mares!
  166.  
  167. You are Caramel and you are chaffed.
  168. Anon was being a silly Pick-Me beyond belief and actively ruining all your work.
  169. The vibrations of the music and dancing ponies reverberated through you in ways that you didn’t like.
  170. Something hit your behind with a loud smack.
  171. You spin around with a snarl and see Lyra with her hoof still raised and a smile on her face, Bonbon not far behind.
  172. They were your herd crush.
  173. >(L) Hey there Caramel. Need some company?
  174. Your hoof lashes out in a slap but Lyra dodges back before it connects.
  175. >(L) Whoa easy there.
  176. “I’m not a piece of hay for you to abuse.”
  177. >(BB) Come on Caramel, isn’t it more exciting this way?
  178. “No it’s not. You need to be nice and respectful.”
  179. >(BB) Oh really? You want us to sit quietly and buy you a drink from across the bar and wait for you to give us a look? Then what, walk over and harass you about being single?
  180. “Then you can come over and ask if I’m single but ideally-”
  181. >(L) Just come over and *ask* If you're single? But I thought that was harassment, right.
  182. “I-it is! But it’s not if-if you know...”
  183. Lyra shakes her head.
  184. >(L) Not sure I do know. Do you Bonbon?
  185. Bonbon shrugs.
  186. >(BB) So Caramel, your telling us that you don’t want a mare to talk to you, like *this*.
  187. Bonbon emphasizes her voice and steps up to you.
  188. >(BB) And sidle up alongside, cunty and full of themselves, and strike up a conversation.
  189. Lyra sidles along the other side of you and drapes an arm on your shoulders.
  190. You flushed red and felt hot all over. You’re stunned.
  191. >(L) Maybe accidentally get a little too close?
  192. >(BB) Maybe offer you a drink
  193. Bonbon gently presses her drink to your lips and you drink instinctively. Lyra gently blows on your ear.
  194. >(L) Give us a chance baby. You won’t regret it.
  195. “I... Maybe this isn’t so bad but only for tonight...”
  196.  
  197. The crowd cheers as your trio steps down from the stage and heads back to your table.
  198. Caramel seems to have his hands and lips full with a couple of mares.
  199. >(T) Oh my gosh Anon, that was great.
  200. Before you can respond something hits your butt making you jump.
  201. You turn around and see Fluttershy hiding behind her hair.
  202. >(F) Hi Anon.
  203. You just smile.
  204. “Oh Fluttershy, how cavalier.”
  205. You fake swoon and fall into her hooves.
  206. She’s surprisingly strong.
  207. The rest of the Mane 6 were smiling but they also looked nervous.
  208. >(F) Would you- I mean we want you to be our coltfriend.
  209. You thought the spank may have been a joke but you knew something like this could’ve happened for a long time.
  210. You wanted this to happen but still the question makes you nervous and bubbly.
  211. You reach up and give her a big sloppy kiss on the cheek.
  212. “I’d love to be your coltfriend, all of you girls.”
  213. Applejack approaches you from the other side and the others get closer.
  214. >(AJ) That’s what I like to hear!
  215. >(PP) HERD HUG
  216. Pinkiepie jumps on top of you followed by Rainbow and soon the rest of the Mane 6. You’re breathless under the pile of laughing mares but you couldn’t be happier.
  217. >(RD) So are we going to Anon’s place or one of ours?
  218. Check that previous thought, you could be happier.
  219.  
  220. You, who is Caramel, are buried in mane of purple-pink and minty green, lost in the mare scent. You see Pokey getting his ass slapped by Carrottop; Anon being carried out by that herd of mares, mouthing ‘like a king’ at you; BigMac slapping the ass of Cherilee hard enough to knock her over.
  221. That didn’t matter now though.
  222. The only thing that mattered now is who is between your lips and who’s legs you are between.

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