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Your Deep Rest

By NHanon
Created: 2023-01-22 16:00:07
Expiry: Never

  1. “Finally…”
  2. >The door squeaks quietly as it shuts behind you.
  3. >Today was… difficult, like many days are.
  4. >It seems as though that those have become more common as time has gone on.
  5. >But here at home, everything can finally unwind properly.
  6. >That’s easier for some, for others, like yourself, certain things aid in that.
  7. >Had to make a pit stop on the way here, but it was necessary.
  8. >Without it however, well…
  9. >You take a seat, open one elixir, then take a deep drink.
  10. >A refreshing vigor flows throughout as it makes its home in your gut.
  11. >Everything starts to come into focus, just like it should, and always does.
  12. >Had a lot of time to think today.
  13. >The past.
  14. >The present.
  15. >The future.
  16. >All of it.
  17. >Currently, sitting on the table on the table in front of you, is a combination of all three parts.
  18. >A simple white cap.
  19. >Stitched upon it, is a red cross.
  20. >Medicine is an ongoing war in the cycle of life and death.
  21. >Treating injuries, illnesses, and/or outright preventing any of them altogether is seemingly without end.
  22. >The study into this field has taken the better part of your life.
  23. >Yet no matter the expense (great or small), giving everypony a chance to live on is a worthy cost.
  24. >Although your contributions are small, they go a long way to saving many ponies.
  25. >Every little bit adds up, which adds to the greater whole.
  26. >Your interest into medicine was born from an early age.
  27. >Suppose now is as good as any time to take a trip down memory lane.
  28. >There’s some resistance in the way however.
  29. >Another deep drink melts that wall away.
  30. >Back then, when you were a little filly, things were different, much more different from other ponies your age.
  31. >Sure, you still possessed the innocence of youth, or rather, the ignorance that exists at that time.
  32. >But unlike other foals, happiness was in short supply.
  33. >It was not as though your parents were cruel.
  34. >Nor were there any pony outside of your family that acted in vile ways against you either.
  35. >At the source of everything, was one thing.
  36. >Your father was very sickly.
  37. >That made just about everything tough to deal with.
  38. >Despite his best efforts, he couldn’t do much of the way of work.
  39. >Furthermore, his time spent with you barely amounted to just listening while he lay in bed.
  40. >Ignorance made things hard to understand, but even in spite of it, you knew something wasn’t right about it.
  41. >Every other dad was different from yours; more alive, more able, and generally, just more of what dad is supposed to be.
  42. >Your dad however… wasn’t any of that.
  43. >That didn’t stop him from doing what he could otherwise.
  44. >Sadly, that never added up to much.
  45.  
  46. >Both of your parents tried to give you all the love and attention possible, though.
  47. >But him being so sickly, that always bothered you at the time.
  48. >Ignorance kept you innocent and protected, well, it *mostly* did.
  49. >Because it would eventually be lost.
  50. >Time would catch up, forcing you to grow up, with or without your consent.
  51. >Growing up is apart of the cycle of life.
  52. >What aided in those changes was a feeling that was alien to you at the time.
  53. >Took till years later to understood what it was.
  54. >Empathy.
  55. >Pure, simple, empathy.
  56. >The pain from dad’s illness, his frustration from his lack of ability to fight back, and lack of what he should be able to do as a father.
  57. >All of that was felt, always during those times.
  58. >Many others experience empathy, so it is far from unique to you.
  59. >Yet even so, it feels as if you are alone in the feeling.
  60. >They likely hide it for one reason or another.
  61. >Like mom did.
  62. >Your family was sinking beneath the surface of the waters of life, and she did what she could to keep you all from drowning.
  63. >Due to dad’s condition, she had to take on two jobs.
  64. >That often lead to little time spent with her.
  65. >The stress from it all has always aged her more than anypony else her age.
  66. >Despite all of her attempts to conceal her feelings from you, she couldn’t hide everything.
  67. >Whether it be when she was alone with dad, or when she believed she was alone, period, she would shed many tears as quietly as she could.
  68. >In turn, that drew tears form you as you listened on.
  69. >You had hope that dad would get better someday.
  70. >Such hope was gravely misplaced, because eventually, he couldn’t work anymore, and became completely bedridden.
  71. >As a result, mom became even more absent.
  72. >Friends of your family were frequently helping take care of you.
  73. >Didn’t like that.
  74. >Never liked it.
  75. >You were young.
  76. >You were innocent.
  77. >You were decaying away, like the rest of your family.
  78. >Because after all, that is how the cycle of life and death work.
  79. >Time keeps that fact absolute, without fail.
  80. >This trip down memory lane is growing all the more uncomfortable by the moment.
  81. >Aren’t you supposed to be unwinding, and NOT working yourself up?
  82. >A part of you says yes.
  83. >A part of you says no.
  84. >It’s indecision then.
  85. >Have to make a choice on what to do.
  86. >You finish your drink, and with it, things continue on as they were.
  87. >Memories continue forth.
  88. >Extremely painful ones.
  89. >On one fateful day, in the long gone past, a blizzard raged across the countryside.
  90. >Within your family home, a storm raged inside too.
  91. >Dad’s illness had taken a turn for the worse.
  92. >Mom was stranded elsewhere due to the storm.
  93. >You however, were alone at home with dad.
  94. >A friend was supposed to come to help.
  95. >That friend couldn’t come.
  96. >The blizzard did everything in its power to prevent any and everything from assisting your family.
  97.  
  98. >You did what you could with what little you had.
  99. >There had been times before where you had to take care of him alone, so you thought nothing of it.
  100. >That was wrong.
  101. >Your help wasn’t enough.
  102. >It never would be.
  103. >It never could be.
  104. >It was just inevitable.
  105. >That is the cycle of life and death.
  106. >Dad’s face was reddened by a fierce fever, and his breathing was heavy, erratic; his coat mattered with sweat, and his eyes swollen shut.
  107. >You gave him medicine, changed out the washcloths frequently, and even uttered silent prayers.
  108. >All of that effort was for naught.
  109. >Dad needed to go to the hospital, badly.
  110. >He needed help, yet none could come.
  111. >The storm outside and within, all ensured what was to come.
  112. >Can’t forget how that day felt like it lasted a lifetime.
  113. >It is permanently scared onto your very being.
  114. >You were completely, and utterly helpless to do anything for dad.
  115. >All you could do, was just be there to suffer.
  116. >Tears could not burn away the sight.
  117. >Screams did not end the all horrific sounds made.
  118. >Don’t know when exactly he passed, but it mattered little.
  119. >For when he died, so did a piece of you too.
  120. >Everything was numb.
  121. >There was seemingly just nothing there.
  122. >But somehow, you still existed at the end of everything.
  123. >For the storm eventually did subside enough for somepony to come along.
  124. >They found you cuddled up to dad, though you don’t actually remember any of that.
  125. >Everything felt like it was all a terrible dream.
  126. >If only it was.
  127. >Spent many years to heal enough to function from that day.
  128. >At this moment, there is just nothing.
  129. >No tears crawl down your face from the past.
  130. >No words to speak of from those events.
  131. >There is just here, you being in your home.
  132. >You fiddle with your necklace a moment, then go to take a drink, but find the bottle empty.
  133. >Don’t remember finishing it.
  134. >Actually, don’t remember finishing the other empty containers either.
  135. >Not important, it’s fine.
  136. >It always is.
  137. >You open a fresh one, and let the contents sooth everything else further.
  138. >Warmth blossoms throughout, as well as a general sense of clarity.
  139. >This is a treatment for you, just another form of recovery.
  140. >Some say this is bad to do, but they are not you, not that they ever could be.
  141. >You know when enough is enough.
  142. >You always do.
  143.  
  144. >Your study into medicine is proof enough of that.
  145. >Mom did help out where she could, though she mostly was just there as support.
  146. >Should probably go check in with her sometime soon.
  147. >Not for a lack of trying, it’s just that you’re busy with work.
  148. >Virtually all of your being is invested into saving as many lives as possible.
  149. >After all, you are the head nurse at the hospital.
  150. >Could very easily switch to being a doctor, but you prefer this path.
  151. >Every joke exchanged, and the common casual conversations had; the strengthened bonds, all of that and more, that is what keeps you where you are.
  152. >Faces and names are memorized, as are many other things with each patient.
  153. >Just about every aspect of this career is loved.
  154. >Naturally, there are parts to hate.
  155. >Again, this is like the cycle of life and death; one cannot exist without the other.
  156. >Although you don’t hate the latter entirely, losing patients makes it difficult not to.
  157. >Medicine cannot save everypony.
  158. >When they inevitably fall, and they will for one reason or another, it hits… hard.
  159. >Those points are among the worst to experience.
  160. >A scalpel cuts deeply into your heart, which prompts to take another sip of your drink in response.
  161. >Can never let others at the hospital know how you deal with these feelings.
  162. >If of them ever learned the truth, they would take your career away from you.
  163. >At here, at home, all alone, it’s then that you can properly express what you /truly/ feel.
  164. >Alcohol lubricates the process easier…
  165. >...and in some cases, as does a blade.
  166. >Both are hidden away whenever you’re not longer alone.
  167. >Experience has taught how to do that.
  168. >Though in the case of marks on your foreleg, those are a bit more difficult conceal.
  169. >A simple wristband currently covers it, like a pebble hidden within the shade of a tree.
  170. >Most ponies never question it.
  171. >The few that have asked, were easily satisfied with answer of it being a fashion statement.
  172. >You’ve searched for what exactly ails you.
  173. >Haven’t found it yet.
  174. >Might never find it.
  175. >Regardless, you’ll keep looking.
  176. >You take another drink of the elixir.
  177. >This burden would be easier to bear if you had somepony at your side.
  178. >Finding that special somepony is like finding a needle in a haystack.
  179. >Being alone is the norm.
  180. >All alone.
  181. >Some ponies are meant to be alone.
  182. >That’s what you’ve heard before.
  183. >For now, this bottle just about empty, gonna need another to replace it.
  184. >This stuff keeps you company currently, it keeps you safe, keeps you rooted in place.
  185.  
  186. >All of this talk about death is rather gloomy, isn’t it?
  187. >Yeah, but it’s perfectly to talk about it every now and then.
  188. >Besides, death can be beautiful sometimes.
  189. >Discovered that around medical school.
  190. >Although you don’t like seeing others die, you cannot deny the way the body looks afterwords.
  191. >It’s just so… peaceful, fascinating even.
  192. >This is normal to think about.
  193. >This is abnormal to dwell on so much.
  194. >This is you, a paradox of a pony.
  195. >Conflicting thoughts keep buzzing around your head like bees, it’s hard to concentrate.
  196. >It certainly isn’t all this alcohol affecting you, this is not your limit.
  197. >After all, you know when to stop.
  198. >Other than the open containers on the table, there is some stuff from work; just some books, and such, nothing special.
  199. >But sitting there to the side, is a box of unopened razors.
  200. >They’ve been here a while now.
  201. >Can’t quite remember when you picked them up.
  202. >It’s not important, it’s fine.
  203. >Something inside compels you to withdraw one from the box.
  204. “It’s so shiny, so pretty.”
  205. >This single item has so much purpose.
  206. >With it now tightly gripped in-between your teeth, you cast your gaze upon your foreleg.
  207. >Many arteries are strewn through the long limb.
  208. >All of them important, integral even, to your continued existence.
  209. >It would be very easy to nick one.
  210. >A countdown would soon follow after.
  211. >If it reached zero, the lights would go out for good.
  212. >Not going to do that.
  213. >Won’t do it.
  214. >No.
  215. >Yes.
  216. >Maybe.
  217. >Wait a sec.
  218. >When did you make that first cut?
  219. >Don’t remember making it, or for that matter, removing your wristband either.
  220. >But there it is, an open wound with blood that oozes slowly.
  221. >It’s a very shallow cut, so there is nothing to worry about.
  222. >It’s all alone, though, just like you are.
  223. >That needs to change.
  224. >Let’s make a second.
  225. >How about a third?
  226. >Nah, four won’t do.
  227. >Five?
  228. >Yes, perfect.
  229. >These are bleeding a bit.
  230. >Everything is fine, none of these are deep enough.
  231. >Starting to feel tired, a little lightheaded too.
  232. >A nice Deep Rest sounds wonderful right about now.
  233. >All of those pesky memories can go away, as well as the pain felt.
  234. >Should you clean up first?
  235. >Of course.
  236. >Or maybe not.
  237. >You’re tired.
  238. >You’re fine.
  239. >You should go to sleep.
  240. “...n-no, not j-just yet…”
  241. >Gotta dress the messy wound first.
  242. >Yeah, that’s right, a messy thing like you are…
  243. >...on stuffs…
  244. >Right?
  245. >That doesn’t feel like it made sense.
  246. >Hard to think straight.
  247. >Maybe you drank too much.
  248. >Do those cuts look properly taken care of?
  249. “Sorta, kinda…”
  250. >They shouldn’t be covered.
  251. >They’re ugly.
  252. >They’re done, it’s fine.
  253. >Very tired, very lightheaded.
  254. >Hard to think.
  255. >Go to sleep.
  256. >You shouldn’t.
  257. >Don’t worry about it.
  258. >Just fall asleep.
  259. >It’s fine.
  260. >It always is.
  261. >So just-
  262. >…

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