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Dog Ear

By ShockAndCringe
Created: 2023-02-12 16:45:04
Updated: 2023-07-08 08:10:36
Expiry: Never
anonocsafecomedywip/rgm/

  1. "Here's your book back, Twiggles."
  2. >"You're twenty five days, four hours, twenty seven minutes, and ten, no, make that twelve, seconds late."
  3. "What can I say? It was a very enrapturing book."
  4. >It wasn't.
  5. >"Uh huh. I gave you three months to return the book, Anon. Three months. Do you know why I gave you three months to do so?"
  6. "Enlighten me."
  7. >"Because it took you an additional two, TWO, months to return the last one!"
  8. "Oh."
  9. >It wasn't like anybody was going to read it anyways.
  10. >Plus, it was really fucking boring.
  11. >"Oh? OH? Anon, that was the newest Daring Do book and I only had one copy of it because their printers were broken! Do you know how long ponies waited to read that book, and how many disappointed faces I've seen because I told them it wasn't in!?"
  12. "Uhhh, three months?"
  13. >"Get out."
  14. "Will do."
  15. >As you're leaving, you hear Twi make a strangled sound.
  16. >Wondering if she's going to die or not (you really hope she does), you turn around only to see her staring at an open page in the book.
  17. >Her eyes slowly peer up towards you with pupils the size of pinpricks.
  18. >"Anon?"
  19. "Yeah, Twigs?"
  20. >She turns the book around to show you the page she was staring at.
  21. >Nothing out of the ordinary.
  22. >"D-did you do this?"
  23. "Do what?"
  24. >Slowly, a trembling hoof makes its way to the upper right corner of the right page.
  25. >In the silence, a dull tap echoes when it makes contact with the aged page.
  26. "Oh, a dog ear?"
  27. >"A-anon?"
  28. "Ok, fine, you got me there. I didn't read the entire book because it was shit, ok? I kinda sorta forgot it existed in my drawer until I lost my keys."
  29. >She slowly, and almost reverently, puts the book down on a nearby table with her magic.
  30. >"C-can you s-stay there for a- a moment?"
  31. >A shell shocked Twilight starts to leave the room.
  32. >You felt some heebie jeebies coming from Purple Smart when she said that so you decide the best course of action is to book it on outta there.
  33. >Ha! 'Book it on out.'
  34. >Get it?
  35. >Because you're in a library?
  36. >Anyways, you managed to make it home without any more interference from Book Pone.
  37. >Your schedule was empty like usual so you decided to hit the market and grab some stuff for some pasta.
  38. >Really, the only good book you managed to get from the library was that non-hay and non-flower cookbook.
  39. >That one you didn't even check out.
  40. >You know that that horn head knows its missing because about a week after you stole it, her mane was in a complete mess.
  41. >For three days.
  42. >She managed to replace it, so you now have a free book, which is awesome.
  43. >Still hasn't found the culprit yet.
  44. >Hehe.
  45. >As you're finishing up your pasta with some of the illegal meat you get from that one guy in that one dark alleyway, someone starts to knock on your door.
  46. >Huh, who could that be?
  47. >You peer through a small crack in your curtains and see two mares wearing some gold armor.
  48. >Aw shit, royal guard.
  49. >Fuck, you hope they aren't here about your new tomato farm.
  50. >Look, you weren't giving them to any ponies or anything like that, but it was still illegal because it was considered a type of poison.
  51. >Hurr durr "you could be planning something nefarious!"
  52. >You just want some pizza, man.
  53. >Another knock.
  54. >You quickly scurry back to the kitchen and cover your meat pasta with some paper, then place some towels on top of it and throw it in the fridge.
  55. >You open the window to air out the smell, but it's not quite enough.
  56. >Another knock.
  57. >"We know you're home! We can hear you! Open the door!"
  58. >Time to crack out plan B.
  59. >Eventually, you open the door and try to nonchalantly lean on the door frame.
  60. "Hiya ladies. What can I do you for?"
  61. >"Is this the residence of a certain Mr. Anonymous?"
  62. "Uh, yes. Yes it is. Can I ask you why you're here?
  63. >"Yes, we're here looking for a certain Mr. Anonymous?"
  64. "Speaking."
  65. >"Good, just making sure, because *we* don't want to get the wrong pony."
  66. >The guardsmare gives her partner a look.
  67. >"Shut up."
  68. >"Anyways, we're here becau-"
  69. >She sniffs the air, burrow furrowing.
  70. >Her partner, looking at the mare, also sniffs the air.
  71. >"...Is that Bouquet's newest scented candle?"
  72. >"Oh my gosh, I think it is!"
  73. >"Ohhhh wow, it smells so good!"
  74. >"I love the vanilla! It's so fragrant! I've never smelled a vanilla like it before!"
  75. >"I know, right? Though I think the hint of blueberry makes the entire thing."
  76. >"Wow, I didn't even notice that. It gives such a romantic air!"
  77. >"You got that right, Escapade! I can't believe I'm saying this, but I wouldn't mind dating a colt who owns some, even if I don't know him."
  78. >"Hehe, yeah, me too..."
  79. "Okay, I think I'll just, uh, go now."
  80. >You slowly close the door, but when you're halfway there you're interrupted.
  81. >"I swear, I'm just going to ge- wait, who said you could leave?"
  82. >Goddamnit.
  83. "It looked like you ladies were preoccupied for the moment."
  84. >"Hmph, we were not."
  85. >"You got that right."
  86. >Hoof bump.
  87. >Armored chest bump.
  88. >Jeez louis.
  89. >You resist the urge to roll your eyes at the sight.
  90. "So you said something before you got distracted?"
  91. >"I, uh said, uh, uhhh, oh, yes, since you're our pony, we're going to bring you in."
  92. "What!? Why?"
  93. >She pulls out a scroll, unfurls it, and squints at the text on it.
  94. >"It says here that you committed, ahem, 'Crimes Against Physical Media.'"
  95. "Wait, what? I didn't do anything."
  96. >"Well, this is on orders of Princess Twilight Sparkles."
  97. >Fuck, is she really that pissed about a fucking book?
  98. "Really? There's no way she's allowed to do that."
  99. >"I dunno. It has an official seal on it."
  100. "Lemme see it."
  101. >"How do I know you're not gonna tear it up?"
  102. "Will you still arrest me if I tear it up?"
  103. >"Yes."
  104. "So what's the worry?"
  105. >"Ok fine, here."
  106. >She hoofs you the scroll and you quickly read it.
  107.  
  108. BY DECREE OF HER MAJESTY PRINCESS TWILIGHT SPARKLE,
  109.  
  110. FOR CRIMES AGAINST PHYSICAL MEDIA, ANONYMOUS IS TO BE INCARCERATED FOR 100 YEARS BY THE TREEBARY CONVENTION, ARTICLE 1, SECTION 1, PARAGRAPH 1.
  111.  
  112. >What the actual fuck.
  113. >No way this is a law.
  114. >"So yeah. Uhm. Sorry, I don't like this part, but it's part of the job, y'know? Anyways... GET DOWN ON THE GROUND AND PUT YOUR HOOVES WHERE I CAN SEE THEM, SCUM!"
  115. >The two immediately take up aggressive poses, spears at the ready.
  116. >Think think think!
  117. >You point wildly in some random direction.
  118. "HOLY CRAP LOOK IT'S PRINCESS CELESTIA!"
  119. >"What?"
  120. >"Princess Celestia? Where?"
  121. >You quickly shut the door on them when they're distracted.
  122. >Lock 1, engage.
  123. >Lock 2, engage.
  124. >Chair to door, engage.
  125. >BANG BANG BANG.
  126. >"ANONYMOUS! OPEN THE DOOR RIGHT THIS SECOND!"
  127. >Shitfuckshitfuckshitfuckshitfuck.
  128. >You start closing your windows and locking them as the banging intensifies by the seconds.
  129. >Fuck, what furniture do you have?
  130. >More chairs, a kitchen table, a couch, a lazy boy, uhhhhhhhh.
  131. >The fridge!
  132. >You start to push the fridge towards the door, but oh boy is it one heavy motherfucker.
  133. >Then a smash as one of your windows by the door is broken open.
  134. >"See?"
  135. >"Fine. But I don't think damaging property is the right way to do it."
  136. >"You were trying to smash a door in."
  137. >"Shut up."
  138. >Yellow light starts bouncing around in your living room as one of the guards starts to squirm her way in.
  139. >"Ow! You didn't remove the glass!"
  140. >"Well, sorry, I would have if you didn't immediately go for him!"
  141. >"You could've at least warn-"
  142. >The mare, stuck halfway between outside and your house, is kicked outside by your boot.
  143. "Get the fuck out!"
  144. >"-GAH!"
  145. >"OHMYGOSH!"
  146. >You close the curtain and continue to barricade your home.
  147. >Couch to the window.
  148. >There goes your back.
  149. >Coffee table precariously balanced on the window sill.
  150. >It was a gift from some gift horse but whatever.
  151. >Friiiiiiiiiidge to the dooooooor!
  152. >Ow bitch fuck your back fuck ow.
  153. >More chairs!
  154. >Feel the burn, biceps!
  155. >Oh wait, you've got a shed.
  156. >Fuck, you hope they haven't gotten around yet.
  157. >There's still a commotion going on at your porch.
  158. >You open your backdoor, quickly check your yard, and make a mad dash to your shed.
  159. >You throw the door open and it's a fucking gold mine.
  160. >A shit ton of wood, nails, hammers, saws, oh yeah.
  161. >You totally forgot that you were gonna build that... uh, fuck, what was it?
  162. >Well, you were gonna build something but you didn't so now you have a stash of building supplies rotting in your shed.
  163. >In a single trip that would be the envy of grocery shoppers everywhere, you bring the materials into your house and shut the door, locking it.
  164. >There's no more banging on the door, so you set to work reinforcing every entryway in your home.
  165. >While working, you don't hear anything from outside.
  166. >Those guards must've gone to get help or something.
  167. >With that in mind, you hasten your work.
  168. >By the time you've finished, you can see flashing lights creeping their way through cracks in your windows.
  169. >Looking through them, it's like an entire army set up on your lawn.
  170. >An entire sea of fucking gold.
  171. >Fucking autistic book pone.
  172. >One of the ponies with a big ass crest separates herself from the sea of guards.
  173. >She puts a megaphone to her mouth.
  174. >"ANONYMOUS. CAN YOU HEAR ME?"
  175. >Uhh, how are you supposed to respond?
  176. >The entire house has basically been converted to a bunker.
  177. >Every open entryway has something blocking the outside from coming in.
  178. >"IS THIS THING BROKEN? HELLO. TESTING, ONE TWO THREE."
  179. >Ok, so maybe you can move the couch that's blocking that broken window a bit.
  180. >"HELLO? ANONYMOUS. CAN YOU HEAR ME?"
  181. "Uh, yes."
  182. >"HELLOOOOOO? ANYBODY HOME?"
  183. "Uh, YES!"
  184. >"OH OK, GOOD, GOOD."
  185. >She turns her head and speaks to somepony to her side, who immediately rushes off and quickly returns with something that looks like the gramophone.
  186. >The guard sets it down next to the megaphone mare and resumes her post.
  187. >"CAN YOU SAY THAT AGAIN?"
  188. "SAY WHAT!?"
  189. >"NO, NOT THAT, SAY THAT FIRST THING YOU SAID TO ME."
  190. "YES!?"
  191. >"THAT, BUT LIKE HOW YOU SAID IT THE FIRST TIME."
  192. "Uh, YES!?"
  193. >"SPEAK IT LIKE YOU WOULD NORMALLY!"
  194. "Yes?"
  195. >"NICE. OK. I CAN HEAR YOU LIKE THAT."
  196. >So that thing must be some sort of amplifier.
  197. >"ANYWAYS, WE HAVE YOU SURROUNDED, ANONYMOUS. COME WITH YOUR HOOVES U- WHAT? THEY'RE CALLED HANDS? DOES IT REALLY MATTER? OK, FINE."
  198. >She clears her throat, very loudly, all while still using the megaphone.
  199. >"ANONYMOUS, COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP. WE HAVE YOU SURROUNDED."
  200. "Are you gonna arrest me?"
  201. >"IS THAT EVEN A QUESTION? OF COURSE WE ARE! THERE IS A WARRANT FOR YOU ARREST."
  202. "Then I'm not coming out."
  203. >"ANONYMOUS, IF YOU DON'T COMPLY IT'S ONLY GOING TO MAKE THINGS WORSE FOR YOU ONCE WE BRING YOU IN."
  204. "Goddamn retarded Twilight sentenced me to 100 years in jail! I'll die in there!"
  205. >"WELL, YES, BUT AT LEAST IT ISN'T 120 YEARS."
  206. "I'm not gonna spend the rest of my life in jail!"
  207. >"WELL I'M NOT GOING TO SPEND THE REST OF MY LIFE WAITING FOR YOU TO COME OUT. ANONYMOUS, THIS IS YOUR LAST WARNING. COME OUT PEACEFULLY OR WE WILL USE FORCE. MAYBE EVEN DEADLY FORCE."
  208. "Fuck you! I'm not going anywhere. I'd rather die here than in some dungeon!"
  209. >"HAVE IT YOUR WAY."
  210. >The mare turns around and melts back into the crowd of gold.
  211. >Aw fuck, they're gonna send the equivalent of SWAT to your door.
  212. >You take a gander at the living room.
  213. >Ok, no easy entry into here, but what if they decide to go upstairs?
  214. >Damn.
  215. >So many options.
  216. >Taking a look outside, it looks pretty normal.
  217. >Asides from the hordes of royal guard, nothing in their behavior seems to have changed.
  218. >So you still have time to do something.
  219. >Probably not much.
  220. >What to do?
  221. >...
  222. >You are Blazing Passion and you have just told that good for nothing monkey that you were going to take him the hard way.
  223. >Blasted criminals.
  224. >Always making things hard for you, even though it always ends in their arrest.
  225. >Even worse, this one assaulted one of your guards.
  226. >One of yours!
  227. >Prudent was rushed in to a hospital by her partner, Escapade.
  228. >She was bleeding and bruised.
  229. >When Escapade was asked what happened, she only said "Anonymous" through tears.
  230. >Nopony ever lays a hoof on your ponies.
  231. >That means no pony or creature.
  232. >You would have given him more chances, but since he injured one of your guards, you put down an ultimatum almost immediately.
  233. >Fortunately, it seems that he is too dense to take the easy way out and now you get a little bit of justice before he's thrown in the dungeons.
  234. >You march back to your operations tent.
  235. >The two guards posted outside salute you, one of them holding the flap open to let you in.
  236. >Inside, you are greeted by your entry team.
  237. >A squad of six guards, two of each tribe.
  238. >They're substantially more armored than the regulars, having chain mail covering them from neck to hoof.
  239. >On their heads is a unique helmet that features an armored visor for close range combat.
  240. "Gentlemares."
  241. >Nods from each of them.
  242. "It appears the situation has deteriorated. We're sending you in to take that human, are we clear?"
  243. >They echo together:
  244. >"Yes, ma'am!"
  245. "Good, now, what's the plan, Game Plan?"
  246. >In the middle of the tent is a blueprint of the house, a larger than average two story dwelling, and a scale model of said building.
  247. >Everypony in the room huddles around it as Game Plan points to various sketches and photographs on the paper.
  248. >"I propose we enter through this side, as it has a window that's only blocked by what we can see as three chairs haphazardly stacked on each other."
  249. >She points at the model with the six different color figures, each representing the members of the entry team.
  250. >The figures are stacked next to the wall near the window.
  251. >"I'll use my magic to blast the window open and push the chairs down."
  252. >The second story of the house is removed to reveal a well decorated interior.
  253. >You give a small whistle of approval as you stare at the model.
  254. "Is that a refrigerator blocking the door?"
  255. >"Yes ma'am. Based off of intel, this model should be 80% accurate."
  256. "Excellent work."
  257. >"You should be thanking Careful Eye over there."
  258. >A hoof points at an earth pony, who blushes and hides her face behind her mane.
  259. >"It's nothing..."
  260. "Incredible job, Careful! I think this a wonderful addition!"
  261. >"It's an important piece to ensure this operation goes smoothly."
  262. >Her blush deepens and she shrinks even more.
  263. >"Aw, you mares..."
  264. >"Anyways, once we break and get through the window, we will search the ground floor first for him, and if he's not there, we will ascend the stairs to the second floor and clear it out."
  265. >She moves the figures around the first floor aimlessly with her magic, then pops open the roof on the second floor to show the floor plan.
  266. >It's aptly decorated, with a bedroom and bathroom, a green human figure included inside the bedroom.
  267. >Two other empty rooms are also there.
  268. "What's up with those rooms?"
  269. >"I said the model is 80% accurate, however I should've said accurate to the places we can look into. Those two rooms have been blocked by curtains since the beginning of this crisis. We have no idea what's inside them."
  270. "I see. You may continue."
  271. >"Yes, ma'am. We assume that Anonymous will be cowering in his bedroom, so once we reach it, we will expect contact. With the six of us, we can easily take him. I can use a flash spell to disorientate him, and the rest will disarm and detain him. Silver will hit him with a stun spell and then charge up a lethal spell in case anything goes awry."
  272. "It seems that you mares have everything down here. When can you go?"
  273. >"We can go now."
  274. >A small smile spreads across your face.
  275. "Then you know what to do."
  276. >"Yes, ma'am!"
  277. >You all exit the tent to briefly stroll to the front.
  278. >Ponies in gold and darksteel make way for the seven of you.
  279. >Solemn looks and nods are given on both sides.
  280. >Reaching the front, you take your seat on your hoofchair as the operation begins.
  281. >The six mares begin their arduous trek to the house as everypony watches on.
  282. "Coffee."
  283. >A hot cup of coffee is placed, with a coaster, on the hoofrest.
  284. >You idly pick it up and take a long sip.
  285. >Black, just the way you like it.
  286. >You settle down deeper into the seat as the burning heat of the liquid slides down your throat and deposits itself into your belly.
  287. "Binoculars."
  288. >A pair are placed in your open hoof.
  289. >You can see the mares approaching the side of the building, with Anonymous nowhere in sight.
  290. >Eyeing the windows you can see no movement behind them, so he must be cowering somewhere.
  291. >Average, for a criminal.
  292. >They all nod to each other and pull down their helmet's visor.
  293. >A loud smash is heard when Game breaks the window.
  294. >It is followed by a bang as she throws in a stun spell into the building.
  295. >"Go!"
  296. >Oh right, your amplifier is still here.
  297. >Good thing your assistant knows how to point it.
  298. >One of the ponies goes through and the rest shortly thereafter.
  299. >Now, all you can do is wait.
  300. >You're about to take another sip of coffee when a bang goes off.
  301. >Then another.
  302. >And another.
  303. >A brilliant flash of red light exploding through the holes of the house makes you sit upright.
  304. >A lethal spell.
  305. >Well, that's one problem solved.
  306. >You're about to call out to everypony when a disturbing sight hits you.
  307. >Five mares, armors dented and staggering, burst through the window they entered.
  308. >The crowd gasps.
  309. >You point to a hooffull of guards.
  310. "Go help them!"
  311. >Without a word, they rush off to help their comrades.
  312. >Nothing notable happens when they safely bring the injured ponies back, thank Celestia.
  313. >You can recognize Game Plan among them.
  314. >You hop off your hoofchair and grab Game's head between your hooves.
  315. "What happened!?"
  316. >A trembling hoof slowly pushes the visor up to reveal a disheveled Game.
  317. >"A-an am-ambush."
  318. >She can't look you in the eye.
  319. >"H-he was ready for u-us. W-we tried st-stopping him, b-b-but he wa-was too strong."
  320. >Tears splat the ground.
  321. >You pull her in for a hug instead of an interrogative head hold.
  322. >Ok so it's metal on metal, a little cumbersome, but it's the thought that counts.
  323. >"T-then, ohh nooo!"
  324. >Her sobbing intensifies as you feebly pat her armored back.
  325. >Mare, this armor really makes it hard to comfort anypony.
  326. >You motion your assistant to go get some hot chocolate and a blanket.
  327. >When the sobbing stops, she takes a thankful drink of hot chocolate.
  328. "Can you talk now? We need to know what happened."
  329. >"S-silver saw how da-dangerous he was and- and she... she... used a laser s-spell."
  330. >Ok, that's good, right?
  331. >"Then, then he- he bounced it!"
  332. >Oh no.
  333. >"It hit Tight Knot!"
  334. >Once again she breaks into tears.
  335. >You have to do something.
  336. >You give her some more pats on the back and slowly hoof her off to your assistant.
  337. "Take good care of her, you hear me?"
  338. >"Yes, ma'am."
  339. >With that taken care of, you make haste to your operations tent.
  340. >Somepony, or more exactly somecreature, is going to pay!
  341.  
  342. >Well, holy fuck.
  343. >That was something.
  344. >You were prepping the last of your preparations when they smashed the fuck outta your window downstairs.
  345. >Kinda your fault for leaving a few chairs to block it.
  346. >Something akin to a stun grenade exploded in your living room, but luckily you were upstairs at the time.
  347. >When they got through, you managed to hold them off by throwing a bunch of pots and pans you scrounged from the kitchen down the stairs.
  348. >Against spears and swords, it worked surprisingly well.
  349. >One of them tried using some sort of spell against you, but you were faster than them.
  350. >Mr. Dutch Oven came in a flying, smacking that gray unicorn in the head when she let loose with a laser beam.
  351. >Thing almost blinded you permanently.
  352. >You will miss that half of the fridge.
  353. >And Mr. Dutch Oven will get full honors at his funeral.
  354. >You also managed to knock one out in your blind flurry of pots and pans before the rest escaped.
  355. >It was really fucking close, since you were on your last cast iron skillet and were about to toss your utensils at them.
  356. >Now you have a hog tied pony on your bed.
  357. >Minus the armor.
  358. >Good thing she was carrying rope on her.
  359. >They were probably going to use it to take you in, but now the turn tables have turned.
  360. >She hasn't woken up yet, so you go down to your kitchen and grab a glass of water.
  361. >You also sift through the ruined remains of your fridge and manage to salvage your dinner plus a few beers.
  362. >At least something about this day is going right.
  363. >Taking a look outside, you see no movement in the immediate vicinity of your house.
  364. >Still a lot of ponies out there, though.
  365. >They're gonna be mighty pissed that you took one of theirs.
  366. >Your end is probably nigh.
  367. >Or neigh, as they would say it.
  368. >Fucking horse puns.
  369. >Better than rotting away in some fucking dungeon.
  370. >Why did Celestia even think that she would make a good alicorn?
  371. >Fucking hell.
  372. >You take a large swig of your alcohol and unveil your dinner: cold pasta.
  373. >Kinda shit for a last meal.
  374. >You start chewing on the meal while downing your alcohol in silence.
  375. >It's quiet.
  376. >Too quiet.
  377. >You absentmindedly toss the glass of water at the unconscious mare.
  378. >Dink.
  379. >"Ow! Ughhhhh..."
  380. >Well, that worked better than you expected.
  381. "Hi."
  382. >She shifts a bit on the bed.
  383. >Then a little more.
  384. >And even more so.
  385. >You have to admit, you did a banging job on the rope.
  386. >After a little more struggle, the pony stops.
  387. >To hyperventilate.
  388. >Her eyes dart all over the room, glancing at you occasionally, with each breathe she takes.
  389. >Damn, she's really going at it.
  390. >Like, oh shit, should you be worried?
  391. >Maybe you should, since its becoming more of a wheezing and she might be crying a bit.
  392. >You spread your hands wide with a smile to show her you really mean no harm.
  393. "Hey, hey, it's all good. You're fine. I'm not gonna hurt you."
  394. >Still hyperventilating.
  395. >Ok, honestly you thought that was gonna stop it.
  396. >Now what?
  397. >You subconsciously reach out to pat her head.
  398. >Brain say pet pretty pastel pony.
  399. >At first, she shies away from your touch, flinching when your hand reaches her head.
  400. >That, and her body shaking, even faster breathing, the tightening of eyes, the shrinking, the whole shebang.
  401. >You gently place one hand at the base of her ears while the other finds her mane.
  402. >It's kind of matted because of the water.
  403. >Not enough to put you off, however.
  404. >Shit, a bit of your mattress is wet too, since when you sat down on your bed your pants got wet.
  405. >Never mind that.
  406. >Your touch causes her to press even further into the pillow, away from you, ears pressing down on her skull.
  407. >Slowly, you start to scritch her ears and stroke her mane.
  408. >You remain like that, tenderly rotating from ear to ear, top of head to bottom of mane.
  409. >Her breathing slows after a few minutes.
  410. >Now you're pretty sure she's leaning into your hand.
  411. >You continue for a good two more minutes or so.
  412. "Feeling better?"
  413. >Head shake.
  414. >Goddamnit.
  415. >That was a confident ass head shake too.
  416. >Like, immediately after your question with no hesitation head shake.
  417. >If you didn't know better, you'd think that she's still panicked.
  418. >However, from a very unfun experience, you actually know better.
  419. >You deepen the scritching for a moment, then remove your hands from her head.
  420. >Just as expected, she follows your hands for a second before she can no longer, falling back onto the pillow.
  421. >Making contact with a poomf, her eyes open to lock onto yours.
  422. >"O-oh. Uhm..."
  423. >Her face is pretty red.
  424. >Well, cheeks, mostly.
  425. "Feeling better?"
  426. >Slow head nod.
  427. "So you know I'm not gonna hurt you, right?"
  428. >"Y-yes."
  429. "Cool! So, now that you're awake, I'm gonna..."
  430. >She tenses up for some reason.
  431. "Uh... uhhhhhh... I kinda forgot."
  432. >She continues to stare at you, bewildered, but she does visibly loosen a tad bit.
  433. "Oh wait, uh, lemme do something about that water."
  434. >You quickly cross over to your bathroom to grab a towel.
  435. >There's only one towel here.
  436. >It'll work.
  437. >Returning to your room, you toss it on the mare.
  438. >10/10, it lands, covering almost her entire body.
  439. >She wiggles a bit underneath the towel.
  440. >"Uhm, I'm s-still a bit tied up..."
  441. >Oh, right.
  442. >A hopeful squeak sounds from the towel.
  443. >"Maybe untie me?"
  444. "Yeaaaaaah, I'm not falling for that."
  445. >The only response is a whimper.
  446. >"I won't do anything..."
  447. "Let's see, you broke into my house, you scuffed my carpet, you scratched my stairs, you damaged my pots and pans, you bent my spatula, you did a lot of things that I didn't appreciate."
  448. >"Sorry."
  449. "So you see why I'm apprehensive about letting you go?"
  450. >Slow nod.
  451. "Good, now let's get you cleaned up."
  452. >She's still breathing quietly under the towel when you go for it.
  453. >You take it off of her, revealing a still red face, and gently rub her head. mane, and body with it.
  454. >She makes a weird noise when you get down to her belly, though.
  455. >With that out of the way, you dab it on the last remnants of water on the mattress.
  456. >You doubt the towel can absorb anything.
  457. >It is kinda soaked deep in there.
  458. >Finishing up, you make a quick detour to put it back on its rightful rack in your bathroom.
  459. >You return to your seat to finish your meal.
  460. >Poor thing, sitting there, unattended.
  461. >Eagerly waiting to be eaten, to fulfill its only purpose.
  462. >Chow time.
  463. >Yech.
  464. >It's still cold.
  465. >Masticating on shitty pasta, you turn to your tied up guest.
  466. "Sho, uh, tell me about yourshelf?"
  467. >"You want to learn about m-me?"
  468. >You swallow the mouthful of pasta.
  469. "What's wrong with that? Unless you have a better topic to talk about."
  470. >"Uhm, I'm Tight Knot..."
  471. "And I'm Anonymous, but you probably already knew that."
  472. >"I did..."
  473. "Okay, sho where did you come from?"
  474. >"Hasten Village..."
  475. "Uhhhhhhhh, ok. Where is that?"
  476. >"Somewhere to the north of Canterlot."
  477. >Wow, how descriptive.
  478. "Man, you suck as a conversationalist."
  479. >Her ears droop at that.
  480. "Ok, how about you ask me questions. I'm open to any, and all."
  481. >She doesn't speak for a bit.
  482. >Then she slowly inhales and exhales.
  483. >"Where am I?"
  484. "In my den."
  485. >"Y-your den?"
  486. "Yep."
  487. >"W-what are you going to d-do to — i-is that m-meat?"
  488. >Oh shit, you totally forgot that there was meat in your pasta.
  489. >Explains why it tastes better than cold meatless pasta.
  490. >It warming up to room temperature probably led to her smelling it.
  491. "Uh, maybe."
  492. >Her eyes widen to the size of dinner plates as the confirmation really hits her.
  493. >"N-no, pleasedon'teatme!"
  494. >She struggles to break free of her restraints but it's completely futile.
  495. >Now she starts retching.
  496. "Oh fuck, don't you throw up on my bed!"
  497. >"T-the- *hurrrk* s-smell!"
  498. >Damnit!
  499. >Oh wait, you have those candles!
  500. >You rush downstairs to grab the unused candles and return in record time.
  501. >Quickly lighting the two you have left, you place them on your nightstand and scoot the nauseous mare up towards your pillows.
  502. >She squirms a little when you lift her up, but otherwise doesn't try to escape.
  503. >As if she can.
  504. >Once settled, she takes a deep inhale of the candle.
  505. >"Oh, t-that is so much better."
  506. >Man, she is really huffing that, though you can't blame her.
  507. >They do smell good.
  508. >You return to polishing off your meal as you watch the mare's belly rise and fall with each breath.
  509. >At some point you don't realize you're staring until the pony tries to cover her belly with her hooves.
  510. >Her face is completely red, complete with a scrunched muzzle.
  511. "Shit, sorry."
  512. >You return to you meal in silence.
  513. >After a short while, she speaks up.
  514. >"So, uhm, what's going to happen to me?"
  515. "You? I dunno. Never had a pony bound up on my bed before."
  516. >"Oh..."
  517. >She almost sounds dissapointed.
  518. >The both of you sit in awkward silence.
  519. >Shit, maybe you're the bad conversationalist.
  520. "So, uh, do you want some water or something?"
  521. >She just nods her head.
  522. >At an ambiguous question.
  523. >You're about to ask her what the actual fuck she means by that when you hear an ungodly noise outside and look through the boards covering your window.
  524. >What you see is very, very concerning.
  525. >It appears that you having a mare has caused the entirety of the Equestrian Army to descend upon your lowly abode.
  526. >Like, holy-shit-they're-getting-close-really-fucking-fast-oooohhhhHHHHHHH-SHIT!
  527. >You hear windows shattering downstairs as the first few ponies make contact.
  528. >A shit ton of banging too, honestly.
  529. >It's like they're trying to tear down your entire house.
  530. >Oh god, they better not be doing that.
  531. >You open your door and decide to make your Alamo at the top of the stairs.
  532. >Hopefully they don't come through the upper windows.
  533. >It's like a zombies mission, except the zombies are ponies and your current weapons are pots and pans.
  534. >Oh and a spear or two from that failed raid.
  535. >You aren't going to really use it to poke them.
  536. >They're too damned cute.
  537. >But that's for future Anon to decide.
  538. >You can hear a lot of heavy metal on wood echoing around in your living room.
  539. >"There he is!"
  540. >After a pregnant pause, a bunch of colors, dominated by gold, start clambering up your stairs.
  541. >"Get him!"
  542. "Oh no you don't!"
  543. >Pan after pan after pot after pan after spatula after skillet is tossed down the stairs to an applause of "ow!", "hey!", and other injury related noises.
  544. >A bit over halfway through you ammunition, you notice that the amount of bodies on your stairs has caused some what of a traffic jam, as the ponies are quite stuck now, with the occasional groan.
  545. >You're about to donk a pony who's still moving a bit more than the others when you hear glass shattering.
  546. >It's not from downstairs.
  547. >"Tight Knot!?"
  548. >That's from your bedroom!
  549. >"Wha-?"
  550. >"Oh, Tight Knot! We thought you were gone!"
  551. >You turn to go back to your room, not before tossing a pot and spoon down to that pony.
  552. >"C-can't buh-breath!"
  553. >"Oop! Sorry!"
  554. >"Ahem, uh, why would you think that?"
  555. >"Because Silver- what is that smell?"
  556. >"It's these scented candles."
  557. >Shit, you forgot to grab some kitchenware.
  558. >"They smell so good!"
  559. >Should you go back for them?
  560. >"Right? I can't believe that Anonymous even has them."
  561. >Naw, ain't nobody got time for dat.
  562. >"These are his? I-I can't believe he even has something like this!"
  563. >"He must have a special somepony, or something..."
  564. >You almost reach the room when something tackles your lower legs.
  565. >"You got that right!"
  566. >"So, anyways... about these bonds..."
  567. >"Oh, shoot, sorry!"
  568. >Damnit, one managed to escape the crush on the stairs.
  569. >"These are pretty hard to undo."
  570. >"R-really?"
  571. >You crawl back to your cookware stash with the parasite still leeched onto your leg.
  572. >"Uh huh, I am not sure I can undo them with hooves."
  573. >"O-oh..."
  574. >"No, do not give me that look. He's holding you hostage here!"
  575. >Bonk.
  576. >"H-he's pretty nice, though! If you've ever felt his hands you would change your mind."
  577. >"Nope, I am getting you out, like it or not."
  578. >"Hmph!"
  579. >You jump into the room to see the pegasus messing about with the rope.
  580. >You're about to get the drop on her when Tight Knot makes a sound, staring right at you.
  581. >The pegasus turns around and sees you.
  582. "OOF!"
  583. >And immediately tackles you.
  584. >She puts a little too much power into it, causing you to end up on top of her after a few rolls.
  585. >"Oops?"
  586. >See, now you don't know what to do.
  587. >Sure, you've thrown pots and pans at ponies, knocking one, or even a few out.
  588. >But this is different.
  589. >You're completely dominating a pony.
  590. >And you don't have any pots and pans.
  591. >In lieu of your action, you get knocked off the mare by two other pegasi.
  592. >Somehow, someway, you manage to stay on your feet to stare down the new contenders.
  593. >Oh shit.
  594. >They've got spears.
  595. >Both pointed at you.
  596. >"Don't you move."
  597. >They take a step forward.
  598. >You take one back.
  599. >"I said, don't move!"
  600. >They take another step forward.
  601. >You take one back.
  602. >"One more step, and I'll spear ya."
  603. >They continue forward.
  604. >You-
  605. "WOOOOAAAAH!"
  606. >-trip on that glass you threw at Tight earlier!
  607. >You flail wildly as your ass makes course for the ground.
  608. >In your panic, you legs make contact with something, and then something again, and then some other thing again.
  609. >Whump!
  610. >Recovering, ass still on the ground, you see that the somethings were the spears they're holding onto, as those rocket out of their hooves into the ceiling.
  611. >The last thing was the ground.
  612. >"Uh-?"
  613. >They stare at the spears, mouths agape, embedded at the ceiling.
  614. >That mare you straddled earlier, face red and mane a mess, barks at the two dumbfounded ponies.
  615. >"What are you standing there for? Get him!"
  616. "Woah woah hang on here-!"
  617. >You barely manage to scramble out of the way when they both jump for you.
  618. >You grab onto your desk for some leverage to get up, but apparently, your desk decides to fail at the exact moment, the top breaking off as one piece.
  619. >Since you placed you hand on the corner, it pops out, spinning wildly in the air.
  620. >The sudden loss of leverage sends you careening to the floor, again.
  621. >On your way down, you hear a savage thud, and then a smack?
  622. >Getting up on two, you see that that previously red faced mare had propelled herself into the desk top trying to tackle you.
  623. >Yowch, face first.
  624. >"Eow! Myuh myuzzuhl!"
  625. >You just got that desk last week!
  626. >Now it's broken!
  627. >Whoever sold you it is really gonna get it.
  628. >After all this is over.
  629. >You hang your head in sadness.
  630. >If you manage to not get jailed for the rest of your life.
  631. >Sigh.
  632. >You feel a breeze on the back of your head.
  633. >A strong breeze.
  634. >Probably from your window.
  635. >Fuck.
  636. >They busted that too.
  637. >"Blegh!"
  638. >"Uha!"
  639. >You look up and quickly realize that it was actually not a breeze.
  640. >In fact, it was a pony that lunged for your head, only to miss because of a sudden head drop.
  641. >That pony smashed directly into our poor, injured, nose bloodied ex-rescuer.
  642. >Huh.
  643. >Kinda convenient.
  644. >Man, you should really go get your pots and pans while this is all going on.
  645. >You turn on your heels, pointing yourself for your door.
  646. >And-holy-shit-that-was-a-spear-that-just missed-you!
  647. "Holy shit!"
  648. >You quickly jump back, flailing your arms wildly, avoiding the next stab that barely misses you.
  649. >Another quick jab that is blocked by trusty mister going crazy arm.
  650. "H-hey, let's not get too crazy here!"
  651. >The only answer is a grunt and a spear.
  652. >Shit shit shit shit!
  653. >You make a mad dash for the door, only to trip on the glass, again.
  654. >You reach out for purchase and find some!
  655. >That purchase quickly detaches itself from the ceiling, leaving you on the floor.
  656. >With a spear, baby!
  657. >You flop over to your back and point that sucker right at that mare who's literally trying to kill you.
  658. >The moment she sees it, she freezes in place, eyes widening.
  659. >Her mouth moves wordlessly for a bit.
  660. >Then:
  661. >"HE'S GOT A DEADLY WEAPON!"
  662. >Annnnnnd she's gone out the window.
  663. >The other non-tied up, non-nose bloodied pony grabs the mare she was profusely apologizing to and darts too.
  664. >From outside your room you can hear clambering and clattering as the ponies shout "RETREAT!" over and over and over again.
  665. >In less than a minute, your house is completely empty, save for you and Tight.
  666. >You look to Tight, your face asking, 'did that really just happen?'
  667. >Tight is apparently not in a state to answer you, because right now she's breathing really hard and staring straight at you, face flush.
  668. >No, not hyperventilating.
  669. >These are deep breaths.
  670. >Ok now you're being creeped out.
  671. >She's, like, trying to eat you with those big eyes.
  672. >However there are more important matters to deal with.
  673. >Like how you managed to scare off the other ponies by simply having a spear.
  674. >Guess they're not used to anybody using their own weapons against them?
  675. >Damn, you should've used your spears from the get go if you knew that would happen.
  676. >Because now all your windows don't exist anymore and how there's a lot of draft in your house.
  677. >And your curtains are too light to stop the wind from blowing in.
  678. >With the sun setting, it's gonna end up being a cold night.
  679. >Goddamnit.
  680. "I'm gonna need you to move for a sec."
  681. >You cusp your hands underneath the mare and lift her — prompting a weird sounding gasp — then shift her weight so you can hold her with one arm and pull out your bed sheet from beneath her before placing her back down.
  682. >In less than five seconds you have a thick bed sheet to stop the draft.
  683. >It's kinda jank but it works.
  684. >Dusting your hands, you turn to go collect your pots and pans in preparation for another attack.
  685. >Aw, fuck.
  686. >They're scattered all over the goddamn place.
  687. >It's gonna take hours to clean up this mess.
  688. >And why do you have so many pots and pans?
  689. >You don't remember buying that many.
  690. >Did you buy them?
  691. >Like, what the hell are you going to do four woks?
  692. >Wait, why are you even grabbing any?
  693. >You've got spears.
  694. >They're scared of it.
  695. >You won't have to poke any of them.
  696. >Hopefully.
  697. >With that out of the way, you go back to your room, only to be greeted by Tight.
  698. "WHAT THE FUCK!?"
  699. >Who apparently turned around, facing her rump towards you with her tail raised, giving you a very big eyeful of her goods.
  700. >The carpet is suddenly very interesting.
  701. >Maybe you should go grab those pots and pans.
  702. >Even before you can make it three feet Tight cries out.
  703. >"Rut me, please!"
  704. "No!"
  705. >You can hear her furiously wiggling about on the bed but you stay resolute on staring at the floor.
  706. >"Why!?"
  707. "Why would I want to rut you!?"
  708. >"Because you have me tied up like this!"
  709. "What does that have to do with anything!?"
  710. >"You wouldn't have unless you want to rut me!"
  711. "I don't want to fuck a horse!"
  712. >"Why not!?"
  713. "Because it's weird! Stop making it so weird!"
  714. >"You've never seen any mares!?"
  715. "No!"
  716. >"So you're saying you never had any female companionship ever since you got here!?"
  717. "Well, I wasn't looking!"
  718. >"Why not!?"
  719. "I just don't want to!"
  720. >"Then how can you judge it if you've never tried?!"
  721. "It's weird to me!"
  722. >"I bet you'll love it! You can try with me!"
  723. "What? No! You only want to because you're all tied up!"
  724. >"We can date afterwards if you want!"
  725. "Stop it!"
  726. >"I won't stop until you rut me!"
  727. "Oh, yeah?"
  728. >You turn around and march straight towards her.
  729. >You can see her eyes dilate and something peek out between her folds.
  730. >Ewwwwwww.
  731. >God, she's drooling too, on both ends, what the fuck.
  732. >You place your hands on the spot between her hind legs and front legs.
  733. >Her head snaps back at your touch.
  734. >"Oh, yes~!"
  735. >Then a shout rings out when you flip her over, belly up.
  736. >One hand holds her there as you lean down in search of the other piece of rope.
  737. >"Gah! Stop teasing me!"
  738. >Finding the rope, you grab it, then her tail, and tie that thing over her goods and secure it against her hind legs.
  739. >"Wait, what-?"
  740. "Tada!"
  741. >"No! Pleaaaase!"
  742. "No."
  743. >"Yes!"
  744. "Nope."
  745. >"You will!"
  746. "Never."
  747. >"I won't stop!"
  748. "You will."
  749. >"You'll rut me!"
  750. >You grab another piece of rope and approach her.
  751. >"Hey! What are you- mmffff!"
  752. >There we go, one tied up and gagged pony.
  753. >"Mmm! Mffff!"
  754. >She thrashes around for a good minute until she exhausts herself.
  755. >Her nostrils flare and her chest heaves with each breath.
  756. "Done now?"
  757. >Ever so slowly, her head turns towards you.
  758. >"Mmm nmm mmm nhmmm mmm."
  759. >Maybe you should have let them take her.
  760. >Fuck, what are you going to do?
  761. >...
  762. >You are Blazing Passion.
  763. >And you've just received good and bad news.
  764. >Good news: Tight Knot is still alive!
  765. >Bad news: she's Anonymous's hostage.
  766. >Somehow, he managed to hold off your entire unit when they went in.
  767. >Note to self: research pots and pans as a possible replacement for spears and swords.
  768. >And since he has spears, who knows what that madpony would do if you were to try to take him again.
  769. >He could hurt one of your ponies, or worse...
  770. >No, you've never lost a pony before and you never will!
  771. >It's just that he's got one of yours at his mercy.
  772. >Arggggh!
  773. >"Ma'am?"
  774. >You shoot your assistant a death glare, and she rightfully shrinks away.
  775. >Think, Blazing, think!
  776. >No, not that.
  777. >Anything but that.
  778. >You could, uh, starve him out!
  779. >Yes, that can work!
  780. >It's just that he'll probably use Tight Knot to his advantage, and draw concessions out of you.
  781. >Or worse, eat her!
  782. >You read his profile, he's an omnivore!
  783. >Darn it!
  784. >Maybe you can use a unicorn to blast him from afar.
  785. >Yes.
  786. >Yes! That can work!
  787. >You'll turn that good for nothing creature into nothing but a pile of ash!
  788. >You barge out of your tent to look for Sharp Shot.
  789. >Where is she?
  790. >You take a good minute looking around for her, but she's not anywhere to be found.
  791. >Did that good for nothing lazy unicorn not show up!?
  792. >Come to think of it, there seems to be less ponies here than when the failed operation started.
  793. >You snap your head towards your assistant.
  794. "Where is Sharp Shot!?"
  795. >"S-she's in the medical tent, m-ma'am."
  796. >You quickly make your way to the tent with the big red crosses and flip open the flap.
  797. >What you see makes you stop cold.
  798. >So many ponies...
  799. >TO TARTARUS WITH YOU, ANONYMOUS!
  800. "Why was I not informed of this?"
  801. >"I-I, d-d-didn't... y-you s-s-said you o-only wa-wanted to k-know about A-anony-ny-mous..."
  802. >You snort.
  803. >This is what happens when civilians are put into positions to "audit" you.
  804. "And not about any of *my* ponies!? Look at them! They're all bruised and battered! Those pots and pans did a bigger number on them than I thought..."
  805. >You spot Sharp Shot in a corner and march up to her.
  806. "Sharp, are you alright?"
  807. >She grins, then winces, but still holds the smile.
  808. >"I am, chief. Got hit on the horn by a braiser pan. Hurts like Tartarus."
  809. "I'm guessing you can't send our creature a little gift, then?"
  810. >"I wish, chief. I wish."
  811. "How long are you going to be out?"
  812. >She frowns.
  813. >"Doc said a few days, at the least. Can't use my horn or else it'll make me go crazy with pain."
  814. >You pat her on the leg.
  815. "Take it easy, you hear me?"
  816. >"I will chief, I will."
  817. >You turn from her bed to look at the rest of your injured ponies.
  818. >Looks like you've got some work cut out for you.
  819. >...
  820. >After giving everypony your best wishes, you returned to your tent to contemplate on what to do.
  821. >You thought for a little more, drank a little more coffee — it is getting late — and drew up a few plans.
  822. >That was three minutes ago.
  823. >You audible groan.
  824. >You clench your teeth at what's to come.
  825. >You can do this.
  826. >You'll only have to deal with her for a few hours, hopefully.
  827. >You slowly inhale.
  828. >Exhale.
  829. >Inhale.
  830. "BRING OUT THE NEGOTIATOR!"
  831.  
  832. >"Hello again, Blazing."
  833. >If she speaks any more, you're going to crack your teeth.
  834. "I only called you because he's got one of MY ponies hostage and a deadly weapon. Understand?"
  835. >"How did he manage to get a guard hostage?"
  836. "It was the BEST course of action at the time. He hurt one of my ponies!"
  837. >"And look where it got you."
  838. >She's got the "oh I'm so sorry" look on her stupid face.
  839. >As if she cares!
  840. "Are you going to do your job or are you going to just stand and gawk?"
  841. >"Blazing, I just got here."
  842. "And my pony has been in there for three hours!"
  843. >"If you called me in earlier, I could've stopped him. Violence should be the last resort."
  844. "Last resort? He's a criminal, for crying out loud! I've told this so many times before: they don't deserve any kindness. Not. One. Bit."
  845. >Soft lets out a long winded huff.
  846. >"They can think just like us, feel like us. Sometimes, we have- Blazing!
  847. >You're already marching straight towards Anonymous's house.
  848. >You pause on his lawn as you wait for lazy Soft to drag her fat flank over.
  849. >"Blazing! I was talking to you!"
  850. "And now you're talking to Anonymous. ANONYMOUS!"
  851. >"That isn't a way to introduce yourself!"
  852. "Then show me how it's done."
  853. >Soft exhales, then slowly inhales, puffing herself up for a moment before calling out.
  854. >"Hello, anyone there?"
  855. >She just stands there, expectantly.
  856. >It takes a bit before the curtain is cracked open.
  857. >You can see a bit of his face.
  858. >Argggg!
  859. >If only Sharp Shot was fine!
  860. >It's the perfect shot!
  861. >"Hello!"
  862. >He squints.
  863. >"Uh, hi? What do you want?"
  864. >"I just want to talk, my name's Soft Voice. What's your name?"
  865. >His eyes narrow even more.
  866. >You think.
  867. >It's hard to tell with those tiny bug eyes.
  868. >"...Anonymous."
  869. >"That's a lovely name, Anonymous. Do you go by any other names?"
  870. >"Anon."
  871. >"Oh, my, that's wonderful! Do you mind if I call you Anon, then?"
  872. >"Everyone who knows me does, so yeah. But, seriously, what do you want?"
  873. >"I'm a trained neighgotiator. I'd like to speak with you."
  874. >"Holy fucking shit! Someone with an actual brai- wait, was that a horse pun? I fucking hate horse puns."
  875. >Idiot Soft defensively waves her hooves in front of her, a disgusting easygoing smile plastered on her punchable face.
  876. >"Oh, no no no, that wasn't a horse pun! No, not one at all..."
  877. >Anonymous — or Anon, more like it — sneers at her.
  878. >"Sureeeeeeee."
  879. >"Soooo, Anon, I know you're in distress..."
  880. >"You could say that. A horde of you guys tried to raid my house."
  881. >"Uhm, wasn't it six ponies?"
  882. >"No, that was before. Like twenty minutes ago a bunch of you guys broke all of my windows. And a lot of my pots and pans."
  883. >Soft blinks.
  884. >Then blinks a few more.
  885. >"I think there's a misunderstanding here."
  886. >"No, I'm sure she-"
  887. >His filthy hand points at YOU.
  888. >"-sent those guys after me."
  889. >Soft hisses quietly to her side, her eyes still on Anonymous.
  890. >"You what!?"
  891. >You do likewise.
  892. "It was a good idea at the time!"
  893. >"Why didn't you tell me you attacked him again!?"
  894. "I was working with the information I had at the time!"
  895. >"Blazing, this is why you call me in early!"
  896. "It should've worked!"
  897. >Soft lets out a sigh and turns her attention back to the monkey.
  898. >"We can let bygones be bygones, righhht?"
  899. >The way she pitches the end makes you want to rip your ears out.
  900. >"No."
  901. >Soft winces at those words.
  902. >Ha!
  903. >How do you like that, Soft?
  904. >"W-well, you sent a lot of ponies to the field hospital..."
  905. >"So? You guys were trying to bring me in."
  906. >"Uhm... don't you feel a little guilty for what you did?"
  907. >"No."
  908. >Why, this...
  909. >THIS BUCKING MONKEY!
  910. "Why, you-!"
  911. >A hoof stops you from verbally throttling that buffoon!
  912. >"Blazing, don't!"
  913. >You glare daggers into Soft's puke green eyes.
  914. >"Please?"
  915. >You relent.
  916. >Almost, that is, until you hear:
  917. >"Yeah, why don't you listen to your boss?"
  918. >THIS BUCKING MOTHERBUCKER THINKS SOFTY IS ABOVE YOU!?!?!?
  919. >You tear yourself from Soft to give that monkey the worst verbal beat down of his worthless life!
  920. "I'LL HAVE YOU KNO-!"
  921. >AND SOFTY KNOCKS YOU DOWN!
  922. "What the buck!"
  923. >"Blazing, please! Don't aggravate him even further!"
  924. "No! Get off of me!"
  925. >You try to shove Softy off of you, but your muscles are no use against her fat tush.
  926. >How much does she eat!?
  927. >There's no way you can't lift up her and her armor, even if she is an earth pony and even if she's straddling you very closely.
  928. >You didn't work for these gains without being able to use them against a fatty!
  929. >Mare, you really need to get those new PT requirements standardized, asap, if ponies like this are allowed in the guard!
  930. "Gah! Git off!
  931. >"No, calm down, Blazing!"
  932. "Get off first!"
  933. >"I won't until you calm down."
  934. "I'm calming down!"
  935. >You only need to get this pretentious pony off of you first!
  936. >"You are not. Take a deep breath and count to five."
  937. "I will once you get off!"
  938. >"Blazing, please! I can't get Tight back if you keep acting like this in front of him!"
  939. >"I can hear you, you know."
  940. >That gets her attention!
  941. >"Eep!"
  942. >And gets her off of you.
  943. >Soft jumps off of you to hurriedly face that walking trashcan.
  944. >"O-oh, so you heard about Tight?"
  945. >You get up on your four hooves and try to straighten your armor.
  946. >Bucking Softy...
  947. >"Yup."
  948. >"Uhm, sooooo, can you pretty pretty please-with-a-cherry-on-top let Tight go?"
  949. >What.
  950. >"Why?"
  951. >"...because you have her as a hostage?"
  952. >"Hostage?"
  953. >He looks away for a moment, then back.
  954. >The monkey stares down at the two of you for a second.
  955. >"Oh! Yeah, I do! And I do have demands since you do want Tight back!"
  956. >Are you kidding!?
  957. >What was he holding Tight for!?
  958. >"So, uh, first of all, can we get her out of here? She's kind of scaring me."
  959. >"Who? Blazing?"
  960. >You?
  961. >"Oh, that's her name? Yeah, can we get her outta here?"
  962. >YOU?!
  963. "Hey! I'm the boss of this whole shebang, if you haven't noticed!"
  964. >"I did notice. Please leave."
  965. "I will not until you hoof over Tight!"
  966. >He crosses his upper leg thingies and raises his chin with closed eyes.
  967. >"I won't until you leave."
  968. >Gah!
  969. >Soft whispers to you.
  970. >"Blazing..."
  971. >You whisper back, in case some creature tries listening in.
  972. "I'm not going to be bossed around by /the/ criminal!"
  973. >"Please, Blazing? For Tight?"
  974. >Really? She's going for that angle?
  975. "Seriously, Soft? You're going to listen to this monkey?"
  976. >"It's important that we listen to his demands, he might do something unpredictable otherwise!"
  977. "He's already done the unpredictable!"
  978. >"He can do more! If we can convince him that he can trust us, he'll surrender peacefully!"
  979. "I only want Tight back! Once we get her out of there we can take him out without any more harm to ponies!"
  980. >"Blazing! Have you seen how many ponies he hurt? He's dangerous!"
  981. "That was because I underestimated him! I'll get him the next time!"
  982. >Even though he has a deadly weapon...
  983. >If Flightwing had only recovered her weapon!
  984. >"We'll break his trust! What if other ponies found out? They'll never surrender peacefully!"
  985. "Ponies don't go attacking other ponies like he did! Or have a deadly weapon!"
  986. >"H-he has a deadly weapon?"
  987. "Yes! He does! But it won't matter after you get Tight out!"
  988. >"O-oh. That makes it so much worse."
  989. "It does not! He just got lucky is all."
  990. >"Blazing, it makes it more important that we listen to him! W-what if he does something with that weapon? It could be disastrous!"
  991. "I won't let him."
  992. >Soft lets out a long winded sigh.
  993. >"Then I think it's important that we don't ever let it come to that. Please, just for this once, go, I can deal with him."
  994. >She's giving you that face.
  995. >You can feel your eye twitch.
  996. >Soft probably noticed.
  997. >But if she's right, then this is the only way to get Tight out of that monster's grasp.
  998. >Then, THEN, you'll give him Tartarus.
  999. >Suck it up, Blazing.
  1000. >His suffering in the end will all be worth it.
  1001. >Just wait a little longer.
  1002. >You speak through clenched teeth.
  1003. "You better get Tight out."
  1004. >"I promise!"
  1005. >She better.
  1006. >You start back to the line of guardsponies.
  1007. >"Das rite! Go on and git!"
  1008. >Don't listen to him, Blazing.
  1009. >"Anon, could you please be a little more kind?"
  1010. >Just keep trotting.
  1011. >It's only a few more hooves away.
  1012. >Don't stop and smash down his pathetic barricades and then rush upstairs to strangle that fool of a creature.
  1013. >"She's the bitch who fucking wrecked my home! Look at this shit, do you know how much this'll cost?"
  1014. >With extreme RAGE you stagger back towards your operations tent.
  1015. >"Not really. Uhm, can you let Tight go now? We did as you asked."
  1016. >Almost there.
  1017. >"Nope, I still have more demands. So, onto the next order of business..."
  1018. >Finally you manage to push past the front line and away from the two most annoying voices in Equestria.
  1019. >Where is your tent?
  1020. >WHERE IS YOUR-
  1021. >Oh, there it is.
  1022. >You collapse unceremoniously on your chair.
  1023. >You really, really need to take your mind off of this.
  1024. >And you know exactly what would help.
  1025. >You tell your "assistant" to go get you some food, preferably doughnuts.
  1026. >Making sure that nopony else is in your tent, you discreetly open a drawer and sift through a few files until you find it.
  1027. >You pop off the cap of your flask and take a deep swig of hard cider.
  1028. >Ahhhhhh, that's the stuff.
  1029. >You sit for a bit.
  1030. >Just sitting.
  1031. >As you're sitting, your mind slowly starts to rewind the events of today.
  1032. >Like how Anonymous managed to-
  1033. >NO!
  1034. >STOP!
  1035. >You quickly take another swig of your flask.
  1036. >You need something to do.
  1037. >What to do?
  1038. >What to do?
  1039. >You got it!
  1040. >You grab more paper and ink.
  1041. >If you can organize your remaining unicorns, you could possibly cast a special spell...
  1042.  
  1043. >"So, onto the next order of business, I want, uh, a case of that one really good beer!"
  1044. >Beer? You can easily get him beer.
  1045. >It's a bit uncommon, and you prefer a hard cider.
  1046. >However, there's one problem...
  1047. "Do you know the name of the beer?"
  1048. >He gives you a blank stare, then his hand moves to grasp his chin.
  1049. >"Actually, can you get me a catalog or something? I think I can find the beer from there."
  1050. "Of course!"
  1051. >You wave a pony over, Haste... something.
  1052. >She remembers you, right?
  1053. >You don't to interact much with those in Blazing's unit because of her insistence of using force.
  1054. >And since you're the only trained neighgotiator in this area, it means you find yourself waiting on a call that almost never happens.
  1055. >So many days sitting around, snacking on your favorite candies and reviewing the guidebook over and over again.
  1056. >Fun fact: hostage situations are so rare that there are only two documented cases.
  1057. >And all of them ended after ten minutes.
  1058. >So you're just wandering aimlessly here, since you have no information to go on, and he's a different species.
  1059. >At some point you stopped reading the guidebook since you practically memorized each page and just did whatever you could to stave off your boredom.
  1060. >Trying to help Blazing around didn't, well, help at all.
  1061. >She mostly brushed you off.
  1062. >You know that both your beliefs clashed with each other, but she's just so extreme!
  1063. >Nopony needs to be "roughened up a little" in the name of the law!
  1064. >Everypony falls on hard times now and then, and they need guidance, not punishment.
  1065. >"Can I do anything for you, ma'am?"
  1066. >You look over to Haste, which is probably her name, who has appeared at your side.
  1067. "Can you fetch a hard drink catalog, please?"
  1068. >"At this time?"
  1069. >She point towards the sky, which is by now a dazzling soup of deep purple and blue, with white sprinkles.
  1070. "I'm sure there are places that are open at this time."
  1071. >"It's oh two hundred."
  1072. "Maybe there's a stand or something that has one?"
  1073. >She only gives you a blank stare.
  1074. >You give her a small smile.
  1075. "Please?"
  1076. >There has to be one!
  1077. >You can't mess up his first request!
  1078. >It's the most important one, right?
  1079. >Like breakfast being the most important meal of the day?
  1080. >"I'll try to find one, but no promises, ma'am."
  1081. >She turns and takes to the sky.
  1082. >You let out a breath you didn't know you were holding.
  1083. >One demand, fulfilled.
  1084. >You turn back to Anon with a hopeful smile.
  1085. "Good news, Anon! We might be able to get you a catalog!"
  1086. >He smiles back!
  1087. >"Thanks."
  1088. >Yes!
  1089. "You're welcome!"
  1090. >Appeasement will work, it always works with everypony!
  1091. >Or creature, in this case.
  1092. >No matter, you're making progress!
  1093. >"Alright, so how long is that gonna take?"
  1094. >Oh no, you forgot to ask!
  1095. "Uhm, maybe ten, twenty minutes?"
  1096. >"Twenty minutes? Okay girl, I'm going need some refreshments here, like right now."
  1097. >You wait for his answer.
  1098. >He looks at you.
  1099. >You look back.
  1100. >Both his hands and head points towards you.
  1101. "...do you have anything in mind?"
  1102. >"Refreshments."
  1103. "Any specific refreshments?"
  1104. >"Since I can't get beer right now, and since it's fucking cold, I'm going to ask for some hot chocolate."
  1105. >Hot chocolate you can do!
  1106. >And you make good hot chocolate!
  1107. >You think.
  1108. >Not many ponies have tried your recipe before.
  1109. >Like you have many to share with...
  1110. "I'll be right back!"
  1111. >You quickly trot — okay, gallop — back to the tents and with a little help, you find where the hot chocolate is stored.
  1112. >Good thing every nighttime operation has its own hot chocolate station!
  1113. >You quickly pour out the hot milk, and look through the chocolate cubbard.
  1114. >Unsweetened cocoa, bittersweet chocolate, white chocolate.
  1115. >You chop up the chocolate and then mix in a larger portion of bittersweet than cocoa into it.
  1116. >Mmm, it smells good already!
  1117. >You put a little vanilla extract in there, too.
  1118. >Now, sea salt, sea salt, where is the sea salt?
  1119. >There's no sea salt!
  1120. >You quickly move to the field kitchen and borrow a salt shaker.
  1121. >It's not sea salt, but it'll do.
  1122. >Just a few shakes.
  1123. >You top off the hot cocoa with a sizable chunk of white chocolate, that you slowly swirl part of it in to give the drink a nice, white swirl, and leave a white iceberg.
  1124. >Wait, are there marshmallows?
  1125. >There are!
  1126. >Yay!
  1127. >You complete the drink with a few marshmallows.
  1128. >Perfect.
  1129. >You grab a platter and exit the tent to quickly return to the house.
  1130. "Hi Anon! I have your hot chocolate!"
  1131. >"Why are there three cups?"
  1132. "One is for you, one for Tight and the other for me!"
  1133. >"For Tight? Did I ask for that?"
  1134. "I- uh, no, but could you please give it to her?"
  1135. >"Maybe."
  1136. >Maybe!?
  1137. "Please...?"
  1138. >He stares at you for a second.
  1139. >Only a second.
  1140. >"Ugh, fine. Just leave the hot chocolate by the door or something. Wait, no, don't leave it by the door, it's still blocked. Just put it by the... smashed... window..."
  1141. >He facehands!
  1142. >The loud slap, instead of a thunk, makes you jolt and nearly drop the platter from your back!
  1143. >"You know what? I'll come down and open a window."
  1144. >Then he's gone.
  1145. >You trot to the closest window and wait for Anon.
  1146. >Inside, you can hear him curse and swear, along with a lot of clattering.
  1147. >Such a terrible mouth!
  1148. >"-fuck. Stand back a bit, there's glass all over this bitch."
  1149. >You're already standing a bit away.
  1150. >He pushes the broken window open to extend out a hand.
  1151. >"Gimmie."
  1152. "Here you go!"
  1153. >One, two hot chocolates delivered!
  1154. >He doesn't comment when he takes his leave.
  1155. >That's fine, maybe he'll say something?
  1156. >Hopefully about how it tastes?
  1157. >You trot back to where you stood before and wait for Anon.
  1158. >...who's taking a long time.
  1159. >You take a tentative sip of your hot chocolate, and it's as good as you remember.
  1160. >Delicious!
  1161. >You should make this more often.
  1162. >From around the cup's lip you spot Anon taking his usual spot.
  1163. >You drop the cup from your mouth.
  1164. "Did you give Tight her hot chocolate?"
  1165. >"Yeah yeah, she got it."
  1166. "Thank you!"
  1167. >He's taking a sip, he's taking a sip!
  1168. >Not a sip, a slurp.
  1169. >That means it's good, right?
  1170. >He looks down for a moment — at something? — before looking back at you.
  1171. >"Can you also get a guy called... 'Shamrock' here? He might fight back but I really really need to see him."
  1172. >He didn't comment on your hot chocolate.
  1173. >You were really hoping to get a second opinion on it.
  1174. >You think it's good.
  1175. "Are you sure? It's very late."
  1176. >"I'm sure. It's super important to me."
  1177. >If it's super, keyword: super, important to him, that means you can gain even more trust if you can get Shamrock to him!
  1178. >That means a faster end to this awful situation!
  1179. "I'll see what I can do!"
  1180. >...
  1181. >"Gah! Wot? Where am I? Why am I 'ere?"
  1182. >"HEY DICKWAD!"
  1183. >"Anon!?"
  1184. >"YOU STILL OWE ME 200 BITS YOU JEWISH BITCH!"
  1185. >"'Ow'd ye get the royal guard on yur side!?"
  1186. >"I HAVE MY WAYS!"
  1187. >Oh, Anon.
  1188. >You can feel your eye twitch.
  1189. >No no no, don't be like Blazing!
  1190. "Okay! I think that's enough now. I'm so, so sorry Mr. Bloom, I think there was a misunderstanding here."
  1191. >"A mihss-under-standing is right! I was dragged out o' me bed in the wee 'ours o' the night!"
  1192. >You give Mr. Bloom a reassuring smile and immediately start escorting him away.
  1193. >"NO THERE ISN'T! GIVE ME MY FUCKING MONEY YOU TWAT!"
  1194. "Don't listen to him."
  1195. >"HEY, CAN YOU GUYS CAP HIS KNEES OR SOMETHING? THAT'S ONE OF MY DEMANDS NOW!"
  1196. "I can't say how sorry I am, Mr. Bloom, I truly am. We'll get you home immediately, and don't worry, we'll make sure this doesn't happen again."
  1197. >"Yeh better!"
  1198. >He continues to grumble under his breath even as he is led away back, to home.
  1199. >You turn back to the house.
  1200. "Anon, you said it was important!"
  1201. >"It was, he owed me money!"
  1202. "But you can't ask us to hurt another pony, that's unreasonable!"
  1203. >"For you."
  1204. >What?
  1205. >What's that supposed to mean!?
  1206. >"Plus, come on, it was perfectly reasonable. That guy has owed me 200 bits for like half a year now! I should've put interest on it."
  1207. >That's quite a terrible behavior from Mr. Bloom!
  1208. "I completely understand how you don't like that, but please no more of those requests?"
  1209. >He deflates a little.
  1210. >"Ughhh. Maybe."
  1211. "Promise?"
  1212. >"Maybe."
  1213. >He didn't promise, but it's as close to a promise you can get, given your situation.
  1214. >Yay?
  1215. >But you feel like you're getting through to him, and in no time he'll surrender peacefully!
  1216. >"Wait, actually, how about I demand you guys give me one hundred thousand bits?"
  1217. >One hundred thousand bits!?
  1218. >Maybe not, if he keeps asking for these extravagant demands.
  1219. >You're not sure if you can do it too...
  1220. "I'll try, but I can't guarantee it."
  1221. >"Okie."
  1222. >You wave over another pony.
  1223. >No.
  1224. >You can do this.
  1225. >You can stop this, peacefully.
  1226. "Can you send a message to the royal treasury? Tell them we need one hundred thousand bits as soon as possible because we have a hostage situation with a deadly weapon."
  1227. >"Ay, ma'am."
  1228. >She quickly takes off.
  1229. >Hopefully the treasury understands your situation and sends over those bits.
  1230. >One step closer.
  1231. >You back to Anon.
  1232. "It's done."
  1233. >He simply nods.
  1234. >You go for another sip of your drink, but it's empty.
  1235. >Already?
  1236. >Sigh.
  1237. >You watch Anon, who hasn't drank any more of your hot chocolate.
  1238. >Should you ask him if he likes it?
  1239. >You should.
  1240. >Do it.
  1241. >Just ask him.
  1242. >It's as easy as that.
  1243. >Then why is it so hard?
  1244. >And why is it so quiet?
  1245. >You scrutinize Anon.
  1246. >He's just... there.
  1247. >His face is a bit scrunched up, like he's thinking really hard.
  1248. >Is he thinking of more demands?
  1249. >Can you ask him now?
  1250. >What if he gets mad at you for breaking his concentration?
  1251. >No, you shouldn't ask him.
  1252. >He'll tell you, given time.
  1253. >Right?
  1254. >It's not like-
  1255. >"You know, I'm not a bad person."
  1256. >He's talking!
  1257. >Focus on him, not you!
  1258. >"Do you know what I did, back then?"
  1259. "Uhm, back then?"
  1260. >"Before I came here?"
  1261. >You shake your head.
  1262. >You've never seen his species before until now.
  1263. >"Well, I helped out at my local soup kitchen every weekend. Helping those in need when they really needed it. I actually enjoyed being there, because I felt like I was making a change."
  1264. >That's quite kind of him!
  1265. >You were right, he's just going through a very rough patch of life.
  1266. >His face drops even further.
  1267. >"Guess doing good over there doesn't carry over here."
  1268. "Please, don't be like that, Anon, I think what you did was great!"
  1269. >"I know, I know. But I kinda feel hopeless with this whole fucking spot I'm stuck in."
  1270. "Sorry it has to be like this."
  1271. >"Yeah, yeah. That wasn't the only thing I did, though."
  1272. "Really?"
  1273. >"I always donated a hundred dollars every week to help the homeless, or the animals, or for medicine."
  1274. "Dollars?"
  1275. >"Dollars was the currency we used in my world. Heck, it's easier to carry than a bunch of bits, I'll tell you that. But back to what I was saying, I always donated, even when money was tight, because it was the right thing to do."
  1276. >You never knew how selfless he was.
  1277. >The trauma he must have experienced when coming to your world must have been so terrible if he ended up taking a hostage!
  1278. >He must be so troubled!
  1279. >"And, like, I always helped the old lady cross our street every morning, before I went to work."
  1280. "That's so sweet of you! Were you a pillar of your community?"
  1281. >You used to be, a long time ago...
  1282. >He smiles a bit.
  1283. >"Oh yeah, I definitely was. Whenever we had neighborhood events, I was always the first one to volunteer and the last to leave. If someone needed help, I was the one to call."
  1284. "You would answer, every time?"
  1285. >"Yup."
  1286. >There's no way he could answer every call, right?
  1287. >"Hey, that reminds me, there was this one time some poor kids, or foals in your language or whatever, got lost in the local forest. The entire police and fire department was out to look for them, and even a bunch of people from the community, but they couldn't find those kids."
  1288. "They couldn't?"
  1289. >"There was like eight hundred people or so, and after a day or two, most of them gave up. The forest was really dense."
  1290. >Gave up!?
  1291. "What? How could they? Children need to be protected, not abandoned! How did they get lost? Any mother worth her salt would never lose them!"
  1292. >If you ever have any foals, you know they'd never got lost in a forest!
  1293. >He shrugs.
  1294. >"I dunno, never got the full story but they did get lost. I was there since the beginning and I kept looking, even after a bunch of people gave up, because I held onto the hope that those kids were okay."
  1295. >They should've never been in that situation to begin with!
  1296. >"It rained almost every day and even the fire and police department were thinking of giving up."
  1297. >That's awful!
  1298. >Those poor kids...
  1299. >"I spent three nights outside. Spent every waking minute calling for their names until my voice gave away. But I always found strength to keep calling. My feet were killing me, but I kept walking."
  1300. >You never knew he was this... caring and determined.
  1301. >"Eventually I found them, huddled underneath a fallen tree, wayyyy off the trail. The look on their faces when I found them will never leave me. Wish I could show you how happy they were."
  1302. "That's- that's so incredible of you!"
  1303. >He grins and waves a hand dismissively.
  1304. >"Yeah, it's no big deal."
  1305. "No! It is a big deal, no, a massive deal, Anon! You didn't give up when others did! M-maybe I can vouch to decrease your sentence!"
  1306. >"Really?"
  1307. "Yes, really!"
  1308. >His smile gets bigger.
  1309. >"You wanna know the biggest thing I did, though?"
  1310. "Yes!"
  1311. >"So, there was this orphanage near my neighborhood, and one day it caught fire!"
  1312. >Oh no!
  1313. >"The fire department was called, but they were taking too long to get in and save the kids stuck there, but luckily I was there, and I ran right in."
  1314. "You ran right in!?"
  1315. >"Yup, right in into the inferno. I had to break down the door to get in, but it was a cinch. I kicked it once like this-"
  1316. >He makes a movement, but since most of his body was covered by the window, you don't really see it.
  1317. >"-and it instantly fell apart. Got 10 kids outta there, with these bad boys-"
  1318. >He rolls up his sleeves and flexes his muscles.
  1319. >"-and when I got the last kid out, the entire thing collapsed!"
  1320. >He points the two short, fat appendages on his hands towards his face, sporting a big grin.
  1321. >"Nobody was hurt, all thanks to me. Even got the key to the city. I would show it to you, but... well, you know why."
  1322. >You nod.
  1323. >He suddenly appeared here, you know that at the least.
  1324. >"And the best thing? The freakin' president heard about it and he gave me a medal."
  1325. "The president?"
  1326. >"He's like if your rulers were one person. Basically the big dog. He's a pretty big deal."
  1327. >He personally met the equivalent of Princess Celestia and Luna!?
  1328. >You've only seen them once, at your graduation.
  1329. >"Maaaan, you should've seen it, the president was like 'thank you so much for your incredible valor and bravery' and I was like, 'yeah bro, it's no big deal and all.'"
  1330. >Woah.
  1331. >"It also helped me win my run for mayor!"
  1332. "No way!"
  1333. >"Yes way! With me as the mayor, I managed to drop our crime down from 'happens' to 'nothing.' Hosted a bunch of events too, that were very popular with everyone, especially the kids. They loved everything I did."
  1334. >He's strong, kind, thoughtful, and charitable!
  1335. >And he's adored children!
  1336. >It's such a shame he has to suffer like this!
  1337. >He takes a slurp of your hot chocolate.
  1338. >"-URK!"
  1339. >Anon immediately starts hacking and coughing.
  1340. >OHNO!
  1341. >What do you do!?
  1342. >You call over a pegasus to help Anon.
  1343. "Help him! He's choking on something!"
  1344. >Before the pegasus can fly over to help Anon, he holds up a hand, while the other one starts slamming his chest, over and over again.
  1345. >One final smash and he coughs out something white.
  1346. >"Blegh! What the fuck? Why was there an entire chunk of chocolate in this?"
  1347. >Oops...
  1348. "Uhm, that may be my fault, Anon."
  1349. >"Were you trying to kill me!?"
  1350. "No! It's not like that! I- I was trying to make my special recipe! I'm so sorry!"
  1351. >"Your recipe of DEATH?"
  1352. "NO! I would never hurt anypony, or any creature!"
  1353. >"You sure about that?"
  1354. "Please! I'm so sorry, Anon!"
  1355. >You can feel yourself wilting at his gaze.
  1356. >You didn't mean it!
  1357. >Please accept your apology!
  1358. >Please!
  1359. >"Fine."
  1360. >You deflate a little.
  1361. >At least he accepted your apology, right?
  1362. >Ohhhhh, but you feel so awful that you made him choke on your recipe!
  1363. >After he tells you his amazing life story!
  1364. >Stupid stupid stupid!
  1365. >Why did you do that?
  1366. >You should've made regular hot chocolate.
  1367. >He will remember that.
  1368. >You were just trying to help.
  1369. >Hopefully Tight didn't choke on it, either.
  1370. >You hear fluttering to your side and you look back up.
  1371. >It's that mare, Haste.
  1372. >You think.
  1373. >You should really ask her for her name.
  1374. >"Here you go, ma'am. One hard beverage catalog."
  1375. "Thank you. Can you please hoof it to Anon?"
  1376. >"Yes, ma'am."
  1377. >She flies over to Anon, who extends his hand out.
  1378. >She places the catalog in his hand very quickly and zips back to you.
  1379. >"Is that all?"
  1380. "I might need you to get the beer that Anon chooses."
  1381. >She simply nods, taking a seat next to you.
  1382. >You look back up to Anon as he's looking through the catalog.
  1383. >Hopefully you can make it up to him.
  1384. >...
  1385. >Damn, you never realized how big their alcohol selection is here.
  1386. >There's some fancy ass stuff in here.
  1387. >'1000 year old Neighvine Special.'
  1388. >But that's not what you choked on a piece of chocolate for.
  1389. >Or have a hostage for.
  1390. >There it is.
  1391. "Okay, I'm going to need a pack or two of 'Kirin Beer.'"
  1392. >"Got it."
  1393. >You turn to your hostage, who is giving you a really weird look.
  1394. >Maybe it's because you didn't give her the hot chocolate?
  1395. >Technically, you saved her life because who the literal fuck leaves a huge ass chunk of chocolate in there?
  1396. >...there's a puddle of something underneath her.
  1397. >Who are you kidding, you both know what she wants.
  1398. >And you have just the solution.
  1399. "Also I'd like a different hostage."
  1400. >"A different hostage?"
  1401. "Yeah, can I change this one out for another?"
  1402. >She frowns for a bit, but it's gone as quickly as it came.
  1403. >"I think I can."
  1404. >Sweet, no more of this wack ass pony wetting your bed or looking at you weird for totally non-sexual purposes!
  1405. >And speaking of wack ass ponies...
  1406. "And I want to see Twilight!"
  1407. >"She might be asleep at this time, and-"
  1408. "I demand to see Twilight!"
  1409. >"Oh, uhm. Okay..."
  1410. >...Two twelve packs of Kirin Beer later...
  1411. >"I'm sorry Anon, but Twilight is still busy with the Treebary Convention."
  1412. >You crack open a third bottle.
  1413. "What do you mean, 'still busy with the Treebary Convention?'"
  1414. >"She's currently on article 20, section 12, paragraph, um, 2, of it."
  1415. >WHAT THE FUCK!?
  1416. >...wait a minute.
  1417. "How long has she been working on this?"
  1418. >"Since it's three in the morning, she has been working on it since yesterday afternoon."
  1419. >YESTERDAY AFTERNOON!?
  1420. >YESTERDAY FUCKING AFTERNOON!
  1421. >JUST AFTER YOU LEFT HER SHITTY LIBRARY!
  1422. >MOTHERFUCKING COCKSUCKER BITCH BALLS!
  1423.  
  1424. >Ok, Anon, think, think!
  1425. >So Smarty Horn has been laying down the law after you escaped her library.
  1426. >That means she's after blood.
  1427. >And if she's after blood, then your ass is gonna find itself in the slammer if your knowledge of her is anything to go by.
  1428. >Basically, to sum it up:
  1429. >You're fucked.
  1430. >FUCK.
  1431. >But!
  1432. >She hasn't gone for you herself.
  1433. >She's making her minions do the job for her, so you might be able to escape.
  1434. >Hopefully.
  1435. >Shit, she might come for you personally if she finishes that thing she was doing.
  1436. >Fuuuuuuuuuck.
  1437. >You didn't think of that.
  1438. >You've wasted so much time.
  1439. "What am I gonna do now?"
  1440. >Your new hostage only looks at you.
  1441. >And shrugs, as best she can while tied up.
  1442. >You didn't even need to gag her because she doesn't talk.
  1443. >You're pretty sure she doesn't talk.
  1444. >Pretty sure.
  1445. >Probably why they gave you her, but you're not complaining.
  1446. >You lean back in your TiredPony™ High Riser Limited Deluxe Edition (Number 13 of 100) and take another slurp of Morning Glory's Rise and Shine™ coffee.
  1447. >It's pretty damn good coffee, so you made Soft get you 2 bags.
  1448. >You've been awake for what, almost 24 hours now?
  1449. >You take a look at the clock in your room.
  1450. >5:43.
  1451. >Ok, so about 22 hours, but still, if you fall asleep they're going to get you.
  1452. >The longer you wait the less time you have.
  1453. >You look over the map and the scribbles that cover it.
  1454. >Something something something get out of Equestria and towards some foreign country.
  1455. >Griffonia is full of retarded birds.
  1456. >Yakyakistan is full of retarded yaks.
  1457. >And it's cold as fuck.
  1458. >Klugetown is full of... uh, something.
  1459. >You don't really know, but it's probably full of retarded creatures.
  1460. >Shit, everywhere is full of retarded animals.
  1461. >Maybe you should find some isolated place to settle down and hide.
  1462. >The Everfree forest is the first place you can think of but it's literally in Equestria.
  1463. >The only place you can go to is west, which is basically uncharted territory.
  1464. >Fuck, you might get eaten by some ungodly creature over there, you've read the bestiary.
  1465. >And those were only the documented monsters.
  1466. >Still, it is your best chance.
  1467. >Painful death at the jaws of some beast or rotting away in a cell?
  1468. >Hard choice.
  1469. >Ok, what if you rework it to dying free or dying captive?
  1470. >That works.
  1471. >You'd rather die free.
  1472. >Yeah, fuck it.
  1473. >You look out the window to a very still energized Soft.
  1474. >Her ears perk when she spots you.
  1475. >She has been going at it to give you anything you want, barring some demands.
  1476. >Fucking Shamrock.
  1477. "Hey, uh, Soft, can you get me more of that uhhhh..."
  1478. >Shit, you did not think of what to ask.
  1479. >Something to make her go away.
  1480. "-hhhhhhh how about..."
  1481. >You grab the catalog next to you, going to a random page.
  1482. "A cinder-tree canopy bed with real hyperleaf curtains?"
  1483. >"Sure!"
  1484. >She quickly clops her hooves and a pony comes forth.
  1485. >Fuck.
  1486. "Wait wait waitwaitwait, can you get it yourself?"
  1487. >"Uhm, then who will listen to your demands?"
  1488. "Can't some other pony do it?"
  1489. >"But they're not trained neighgotiators!"
  1490. >FUCKING HORSE PUNS.
  1491. "So!?"
  1492. >"What if they get your demand wrong, or- or they make you mad?"
  1493. "No, it's fine. I won't ask for anything while you're away. Just get my bed."
  1494. >She looks at you, still unsure.
  1495. >You stare back at her.
  1496. >She continues looking at you.
  1497. >You you tilt your head down a little and raise your eyebrows, all the while staring at her.
  1498. >She tilts her head to the side.
  1499. "Oh come on! Are you going to get it or not?"
  1500. >A hoof digs into your lawn.
  1501. >You almost want to strangle her, but the entire lawn has been already ruined.
  1502. >"I-I still think it's not a good idea for me to leave you alone for so long."
  1503. >Damn girl, you clingy.
  1504. "Ok, I demand you get me that bed."
  1505. >She only looks at you, ears down.
  1506. "I double demand you."
  1507. >She finally relents, giving out a sigh and turning tail.
  1508. >Finally-
  1509. >"Are you sure you aren't going to make more demands while I'm away? Nopony will be able to get what you want."
  1510. >Nope, spoke too soon.
  1511. "Yes, I'm sure, now can you get the bed?"
  1512. >"Sure."
  1513. >She sounds like she really doesn't want to go.
  1514. >But she does so.
  1515. >The wonders of having a hostage.
  1516. >Now, you grab said hostage and bring her out to the hallway to tie her down to the cart, making sure that she can't wiggle herself free.
  1517. >She only gives you an inquisitive look as you tighten the restraints.
  1518. >Grabbing your leverage, the spear, you turn to push the cart down the stairs-
  1519. >Aaaaaaaaaand that's why carts and stairs don't mix.
  1520. >There's some groaning from beneath the cart as you turn if right side up.
  1521. >She gives you a very, very strong glare.
  1522. >And a definite growl.
  1523. >You sure are making friends.
  1524. "Sorry."
  1525. >Head shake.
  1526. "Not my fault that it bounced all over the place."
  1527. >Glare.
  1528. "Hey, it's- why am I even talking to you?"
  1529. >Ignoring whatever facial expression she gives you, you continue resetting the cart.
  1530. >Once everything is onboard you take a peek outside.
  1531. >Still a bunch of guards at the front of your house.
  1532. >You move to look out towards your backyard to see nothing.
  1533. >Actually, you never checked your backyard until two hours ago, and from your extraordinarily tall home you could see past the fence and saw absolutely nobody watching.
  1534. >The only thing between you and freedom was the fence, and your neighbor's house.
  1535. >Honestly, you don't know who lives behind your house on the other street.
  1536. >Who ever does?
  1537. >As quietly as possible, you remove the chair jammed between the floor and doorknob and slowly turn the doorknob.
  1538. >CREAK.
  1539. >You still cringe even though you expected that.
  1540. >You begin to pull it open to even more squeaking.
  1541. >It's practically been like that ever since you got your home.
  1542. >You swear you were going to oil it, you just didn't have enough time.
  1543. >Something always came up, and then this turned to that and then that and then you would forget to oil the door until you had to use it.
  1544. >The backyard is still empty, so you push the cart outside and head towards the shed for your sledgehammer.
  1545. >This isn't going to be quiet.
  1546. >Hopefully you can be fast.
  1547. >The first smash caves an entire picket with a satisfying crunch.
  1548. >Fuck, that was really loud.
  1549. >You look around to see if anybody noticed, but it seems that no one did.
  1550. >You quickly work to smash a sizable hole in the fence in a loud ruckus.
  1551. >Every now and then you check if you've been discovered, but see nothing.
  1552. >Guess they can't hear you.
  1553. >You grab the cart and pull it through the hole, entering your neighbor's... back... yard...
  1554. >"What are you doing?"
  1555. >Shit.
  1556. >A very bleary eyed light piss coat with blue mane pegasus looks up to you with a frown.
  1557. "I'm, uhh, renovating the fence."
  1558. >"Why are you in my-"
  1559. >Her mouth gapes a little, then expands to a long-winded yaaaaaawn.
  1560. >"-garden?"
  1561. "Uh-"
  1562. >You try to hold it in, but watching her forces your mouth open to let out a yawn of your own.
  1563. "-I accidentally fell through the fence."
  1564. >She only nods her head.
  1565. >"But this early in the morning? The sun hasn't even come up ye- yeeeeeeuuuuuhhhhhhht."
  1566. >She smacks her lips a bit after completing the yawn.
  1567. "Well, I'm an early bird."
  1568. >No, don-!
  1569. >Yaaawn.
  1570. >She looks around you.
  1571. >"Is- is that a pony tied to a cart?"
  1572. "No."
  1573. >She sits down and rubs her eyes before looking again, giving out yet again a yawn.
  1574. >Before she can see your hostage, you move to block her view.
  1575. >She tries looking the other way and you move that way, yawning yourself.
  1576. >"I think that was a pony tied to a cart."
  1577. >Please don't yawn.
  1578. >She yawns.
  1579. "You're hallucinating, you should-"
  1580. >Yaaaawn.
  1581. "-go back to bed."
  1582. >Instead of doing what's good for her, she takes to the air, hovering to see above your head.
  1583. >You try to block her vision, though jumping doesn't really work.
  1584. >Once again, she rubs her eyes, as if she refuses to believe that there is a pony tied to a cart.
  1585. >So, instead of letting her complete the eye rubbing, you jump up and grab her, bringing her down with you.
  1586. >"Wuh?"
  1587. "I think you need to go to bed."
  1588. >"There's a pony tied to a cart!"
  1589. "There is not."
  1590. >"There- there..."
  1591. >This time, it's the biggest yawn you've seen.
  1592. >"...zzzzzuuuuuuuuh pony."
  1593. "Look, you're clearly tired and-"
  1594. >Yaaaaaawn.
  1595. >Goddamnit.
  1596. "-we should both go to bed."
  1597. >She's about to respond until she grimaces.
  1598. >Oh, oh no.
  1599. >Don't.
  1600. >Please don't.
  1601. >Her mouth opens a little bit.
  1602. >NO!
  1603. >And it shuts.
  1604. >Whew.
  1605. >And then she yawns.
  1606. >Fuck.
  1607. >Yawn.
  1608. >FUCK!
  1609. "Stop yawning!"
  1610. >"You stop ya-yaaaaauuuuhhhning..."
  1611. "Hold it- it iuuuuuuuuuuhn!"
  1612. >GODDAMNIT!
  1613. >"I-I cauhhhhhhhhhhn't!"
  1614. >No, don't yawn.
  1615. >Hold it in!
  1616. >You stare her down.
  1617. >Do not yawn, do not yawn, do not yawn, do not ya-
  1618. >Yawn.
  1619. >Not even a second after you let the yawn go, her mouth begins to the form the surefire signs of a yawn.
  1620. >Action!
  1621. >Your hand shoots out and grasps her muzzle shut.
  1622. >"Nfff!"
  1623. >Her nostrils expand as she takes in a deep breathe from her yawn.
  1624. >Hopefully this doesn't trigger your yawn.
  1625. >You both stare at each other.
  1626. >Waiting.
  1627. >Waiting to see if anyone is going to yawn.
  1628. >After about a minute of bleary eyed against coffee eyed staring, you let go of her muzzle.
  1629. >"Maybe I am a little tired."
  1630. "Told you so."
  1631. >"Can you not work on the fence this early in the morning? Some ponies are trying to sleep."
  1632. "Yeah yeah, don't worry about it."
  1633. >"Thank you."
  1634. >She turns around and begins trudging back to her house.
  1635. >You watch her go, very slowly.
  1636. >Well, the back's turned now, time to check if your hostage has done anything.
  1637. >She has done exactly nothing, since she apparently fell asleep on your cart, somehow.
  1638. >Even her sleeping is completely silent.
  1639. >How the fuck did she even become a guard if she's mute like this?
  1640. >Whatever, at least she isn't going to try escaping.
  1641. >Now, time to get past your neighbor's house.
  1642. >Once she actually gets inside.
  1643. >Holy shit is she taking her sweet ass time.
  1644. >Fuck this, you don't have the time to wait.
  1645. >You hitch your cart and start to beeline for the gate.
  1646. >"Huh? Hey! There is a pony!"
  1647. "Don't worry, she's into this."
  1648. >"Then why are you going through my backyard?!"
  1649. "I got locked out my backdoor."
  1650. >"Then go through the side, you have a gate, right?"
  1651. "That one is broken too."
  1652. >Her eyes scrutinizes the pony on your cart further, as she has no argument against your rock solid reasoning.
  1653. >"Is she tied to the cart?"
  1654. "Uh, yup. To stop her from falling off. Asleep, ya know?"
  1655. >By now you're by her gate and unlatching it.
  1656. >You're going to open it when she somehow stops being slow and appears next to you, holding the gate shut.
  1657. >You look up to her.
  1658. >"I know what you are doing!"
  1659. "No you don't."
  1660. >"You're foalnapping this pony!"
  1661. "Wrong."
  1662. >"Then what are you doing?"
  1663. "That is classified."
  1664. >"You have a pony tied on a cart, the sun's not even up, you're making excuses of why you're in my backyard, it's obvious!"
  1665. "Don't judge a book by its cover."
  1666. >"What's that supposed to mean?"
  1667. >She's up in your face, disgusting spittle landing all over you.
  1668. "It means you don't know what I'm doing. It might look bad but in reality it's good."
  1669. >"No, you're a foalnapper!"
  1670. "What if I told you this pony was a very, very dangerous criminal and I'm actually a secret agent of the state?"
  1671. >"Then why are you going through my backyard?"
  1672. "Because her henchmen — henchponies? — are in my house as we speak. Looking for me. And her. Time is of the essence here!"
  1673. >She squints at you, then your house, trying to confirm if what you said was true.
  1674. >It's not, but you were implying a hypothetical situation.
  1675. >Taking advantage of her distraction, you quickly go around and pass through the gate with your cart and break into a sprint.
  1676. >You're about to make it to the street a slightly more free man, but boo-fucking-hoo for you.
  1677. >This mare decides to play cop and tries to tackle you as you're going through her lawn.
  1678. >Tries, that is.
  1679. >Apparently having bleary eyes and being sleepy messes with your aim.
  1680. >She instantly nosedives into one of her flower beds, absolutely destroying the plants.
  1681. >Ha, dirt nap!
  1682. >It could have been if she knocked herself out, that is.
  1683. >You, meanwhile, continue running down the street and westward.
  1684. >You shout back at her as she's slowly getting up.
  1685. "Hey, look, I'm not trying to hurt you, okay? So you can stop trying to attack me!"
  1686. >She does get the "I'm not a guard trying to arrest you" benefit, but with her current actions, you might have to revoke that really soon.
  1687. >She's just a little misguided.
  1688. >You're sure she'll understand why you're doing this, with you being basically a dead man walking and all.
  1689. >She misses again.
  1690. "Twilight is trying to kill me for ruining a book, OKAY!? I just wanna leave Equestria!"
  1691. >Fuck, do wings make them fast!
  1692. >She shakes her head and starts to recover from her crash.
  1693. >"Twilight? She would never you creature!"
  1694. >Now you're starting to hate pegasi.
  1695. >This pony has wings, Purple has wings, those ponies who almost killed you had wings...
  1696. >Wait, you have that spear in your cart.
  1697. >Oh boy, time to threaten another pony with a weapon.
  1698. >Worked great, though!
  1699. >You should just hold the spear and threaten every pony you see, honestly, since you're a dead man walking and all.
  1700. >Shit, you can probably get even more free stuff.
  1701. >OH SHIT WAIT!
  1702. >You can go fuck up that bitch Shamrock!
  1703. >Hell fucking yeah!
  1704. >One last thing to do in the shitty nation of Equestria before your self imposed exile!
  1705. >(Which is basically Twi-tard's fault)
  1706. >Before you can make the detour, though, you get knocked off your feet.
  1707. >"Got you!"
  1708. >You land on the hard ass ground on your back.
  1709. >Right, you still have to deal with her.
  1710. >Got a little too excited.
  1711. >Her nose is completely up in your face, her body resting on your chest with her legs to your sides.
  1712. >A smug smile rests on her face.
  1713. >"You are so going into the dungeon."
  1714. "About that."
  1715. >There is one definitive thing you've learned in pony land after living here for so long.
  1716. >You simply grab her by the sides and lift her off of you.
  1717. "Let me LEAVE!"
  1718. >She starts to squirm like crazy in your grip, and, lo and behold, she manages to slip off, knocking the air out of your lungs as she lands atop of you.
  1719. >"Lying!"
  1720. >FUCK!
  1721. >You quickly dodge her wild right hook at your head.
  1722. >"Foalnapping!"
  1723. >Before she can wail into you anymore, you push her off of you.
  1724. >You manage to get into a kneeling stance when she recovers and launches at you.
  1725. >"CREATURE!"
  1726. >Then, like a switch, the world is awash in daylight.
  1727. >"GAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!"
  1728. >The sudden sun sears your eyes with its appearance, but even more so in that mare because she screams and veers off course.
  1729. >You quickly grab your cart and take off.
  1730. >Fuck you and thank you Celestia!
  1731. >But mostly fuck you for bringing up the sun like this.
  1732. >Seriously, will it kill her to spend an hour to raise the sun up slowly?
  1733. >The only benefit was burning out that mare's tired eyes.
  1734. >Hopefully that made a good enough distraction so you can get away from that wannabe hero.
  1735. >You turn around the block and take off towards Shamrock's house, or shack, or whatever shithole he lives in.
  1736. >Your hostage is still asleep somehow and that pegasus is out of sight, and hopefully out of the fight.
  1737. >You continue down the sunlit street, fully exposed to any pony who would look out their window at six in the morning.
  1738. >Hopefully they don't tell the guard where you went to.
  1739. >You don't think you can outrun any of those pegasi unless you had a car.
  1740. >As you make it down another street, a dull boom comes from the direction of where you ran from.
  1741. >That's weird.
  1742. >And probably not good.
  1743. >You should probably take out that spear now, honestly.
  1744. >And so you do, because brandishing a deadly weapon out in public is a useful thing everybody should do.
  1745. >It gets you places and stuff.
  1746. >...
  1747. >"Blazing!"
  1748. "What?"
  1749. >"What are you doing?"
  1750. "What have you been doing? Giving a criminal anything they want?"
  1751. >"I was getting through to him!"
  1752. "For the past few hours? He was never going to leave!"
  1753. >"It might have worked!"
  1754. "Worked!? Ha! Don't make me laugh, Soft. He won't come out until we make him come out!"
  1755. >The front of Anonymous's house explodes with sparkling colors.
  1756. >"He would've..."
  1757. >You look back at Softy, your face giving her a taste of her own fake pity.
  1758. "He wouldn't. All you did was give him what he wanted. HE USED YOU."
  1759. >"No, he- he didn't use me..."
  1760. >You order another round to be sent off into Anonymous's house.
  1761. "He's a hardened criminal. He doesn't care about you. All he deserves is a nice cold cell. Or a very, very long nap."
  1762. >Boom.
  1763. >A shower of bright sparks explodes in the front lawn.
  1764. >You smile at the sight.
  1765. >Softy just stares.
  1766. >He's bound to come out any second now.
  1767. >You know what Softy got him; he's a creature of comforts.
  1768. >You bet he didn't even buy the house himself, he probably somehow managed to swindle the mayor into giving it to him for free.
  1769. >Clever, but not clever enough for you.
  1770. >You've got him figured out.
  1771. >Since the sound of the fireworks is unbearable, the comfort of his world will be ruined, and so he must come out.
  1772. >You'll keep bombarding his house until he does, you've got plenty of ammo that you reacquisitioned from a nearby warehouse.
  1773. >Any second now...
  1774. >"Hey!"
  1775. >You turn around.
  1776. >It's the house across the street.
  1777. >"Keep it down! Some ponies are trying to sleep!"
  1778. >Ugh, civilians.
  1779. "Sorry, but this is royal guard business! We're making sure you can get a restful night's sleep in the future!"
  1780. >"I have to go to work in three hours!"
  1781. "Then deal with it! It'll only be a single day!"
  1782. >"You were going at it all night! Do you know how hard it was to sleep!?"
  1783. "I SAID, it'll only be a single day! You're interfering with royal guard business! Do you want to be fined!?"
  1784. >The mare harrumphs and disappears into her house.
  1785. >Civilians.
  1786. >You're out here protecting them and they complain that you're doing it too loudly, and then if you don't do it loudly and they'll complain why a criminal is terrorizing them.
  1787. >Makes you want to mash your teeth together.
  1788. >Not as much as Softy.
  1789. >Speaking of Softy, where is she?
  1790. >Your eyes scan around-
  1791. "Soft! Stop that!"
  1792. >"Wait, let me speak to him first!"
  1793. "Why? He's going to come out any minute now!"
  1794. >"Please, Blazing!"
  1795. >Stupid Softy!
  1796. "Hold fire!"
  1797. >Softy lets go of the firework launcher and immediately gallops over to Anonymous's house.
  1798. >This better be worth it.
  1799. >"Anon!"
  1800. >"ANON!"
  1801. >She looks up at Anonymous's house, waiting for him to appear at the window.
  1802. >He's probably cowering somewhere in his house,.
  1803. >Maybe it's a good thing that you stopped launching fireworks at the house.
  1804. >Now he can stop being such a scaredy-cat and leave the house.
  1805. >Heh, he's definitely wetting the floor.
  1806. >You watch as silly Softy flies up to his window.
  1807. >"Anon?"
  1808. "Check under the bed, Soft. Get Stoic out first and we'll wait for him to come out with soiled pants!"
  1809. >"Stoic isn't here!"
  1810. >WHAT!?
  1811. "What did you say!?"
  1812. >"Stoic isn't here!"
  1813. "What do you mean 'Stoic isn't here?'"
  1814. >Soft flies into the room.
  1815. >After a minute, her head pops out.
  1816. >"Stoic isn't in here! And Anon's gone!"
  1817. >ANONYMOUS IS GONE!?!?
  1818. >How!?
  1819. >You set up a textbook standoff!
  1820. "I WANT PEGASI UP IN THE AIR RIGHT NOW! LOOK FOR ANONYMOUS, HE WILL NOT BE FAR! EARTH PONIES AND UNICORNS, PAIR UP AND SPREAD OUT! NOW NOW NOW!"
  1821. >This isn't the end, ANONYMOUS!

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