Phoenix Down'd


                                            >Be Cadance, pink princess extraordinaire.

                                            >Eyes narrowed, glare at full power

                                            >Forelegs heavy, hooves sweaty

                                            >Dad's spaghetti

                                            >You suddenly get a craving for your old adoptive family home cooking, for some reason

                                            >The reason of your uncharacteristic glare must have triggered thoughts about family

                                            >She is, after all, family

                                            >No matter your suspicions...

                                            >Right?

                                            >"Honey, what is the matter? You've been glaring at Flurry nonstop for the last ten minutes," Shining Armor asks, confused. "She hasn't even blown anything up the whole day!"

                                            "There's something *wrong* with that child, Shining," You grind out.

                                            >He gapes at you, slackjawed. The restrained anger in your voice must have shocked him.

                                            >"What... What do you mean, honey?"

                                            >He's clearly perturbed.

                                            >You feel a bit bad, but can't bring yourself to care too much. Other things take priority right now.

                                            "You know how I'm an empath... Right, dear?"

                                            >"I, ah... Yes? Obviously?"

                                            "And that I can feel what ponies feel for each other? Love, hate, and so on?"

                                            >"Yes, dear, just get to the point. Where are you going with this?"

                                            >Darn the colt's getting testy. Better bite the bullet, Cadance.

                                            "I can't feel a drop of love from her, Shining."

                                            >He freezes up, his gaze slowly turning towards Flurry.

                                            >She's babbling happily, mashing a few plushies together.

                                            >As his eyes turn back towards you, you head him off.

                                            "Yes, foals, even infants can feel love. Yes, I've felt it from other pony's foals. No, it's not just something I noticed just now. No, she doesn't actually have to be looking for focusing on us to feel things. She barely feels anything."

                                            >Shining's face becomes fearful.

                                            >"So, our daughter, she's, she's... A sociopath? A psychopath?"

                                            >Needless to say, the prospect of such a magical powerhouse that's also the heir to the throne growing up to be an emotionally stunted madmare is not a pleasant one.

                                            "I... Am not sure. I can't say that I know how that works, honestly. I barely know the basics. A complete lack of empathy, or something to that effect? But even if she wouldn't be able to form emotional connections to ponies, *I* should be able to feel what she's feeling... Instead, she's like a black hole, devouring everything and anything... We...."

                                            >You trail off, your eyes wide in horror.

                                            >No.

                                            >NO.

                                            >Shining Armor jumps when you suddenly fire up your horn, furiously drawing in mana.

                                            >"Dear?!"

                                            >He's not fast enough, though, even with his Guard reflexes.

                                            >Or perhaps he'd never think you would do something like that.

                                            >The spell instantly impacts Flurry, dissipating into harmless sparks.

                                            >She giggles, clopping her hooves happily and trying to catch the dissipating sparkles.

                                            >"Was that... An Illusion dispelling spell? The one we developed to catch changelings, specifically?"

                                            >It takes him only a moment to understand why.

                                            >"Oh... Devouring. I see. You thought she was replaced? But we kept an eye on her practically since she was born..."

                                            "I know, dear, but changelings are tricky bastards. Still, that doesn't explain how and why she is like that..."

                                            >Both of you sit down, raking through your memories and scarce knowledge about emotionally stunted ponies.

                                            >Your thoughts keep wandering towards changelings, though.

                                            >Back to the wedding, back to the caves, back to when you were foalnapped and Chrysalis.

                                            >Back to when she held you down and stuck her-

                                            >Wait.

                                            >You facehoof.

                                            "Oh buck me. It can't be, it literally can't be. Surely, it can't be."

                                            >Shining raises an eyebrow.

                                            >"Something you realized, dear?"

                                            "An incredibly stupid idea that I'm really hoping is wrong. Could you fetch Starburst, please? I'll explain later, promise."

                                            >"Alright..."

                                            >He's clearly confused, but he trusts you, like you trust him.

                                            >You can't help but smile as you watch him trot away.

                                            >You really love that dork.

                                            >Also, dat flank.

                                            >You hate to see him leave, but you love to watch him go.

                                            >Unf.

                                            >You go back to watching Flurry while he gets the court wizard.

                                            >Unusual position for a stallion, but despite his unimpressive stallionly magical reserves, he really does know lots and lots of spells and obscure knowledge.

                                            >It doesn't take long for the pair to come back.

                                            >"What can I do for you, Your Highness?"

                                            >He's cute when he's all business like that.

                                            >No time to appreciate the pair of turbo-nerd colts in front of you, though.

                                            "Starburst. I assume you know some Blood Ties spells, yes? They're not exactly secret knowledge."

                                            >"Hmmm... Been a while since I read up on those, but yes, I believe I can recall them with sufficient clarity," He muses, rubbing his chin.

                                            >"Blood Ties? What?"

                                            >Shining Armor is understandably confused.

                                            >You give him a calming look before turning back to Starburst.

                                            "Could you perform it on Flurry? It's a fairly easy spell, from what I recall."

                                            >The second colt gets completely confused as well.

                                            >"I, uh... Yes, but... Why?"

                                            "Royal orders, Starburst. I'll explain afterwards."

                                            >"...Very well, Your Highness."

                                            >Shining Armor sidles up to you while Starburst fires up his horn.

                                            >"Alright, I got nothing. What reason would you have to doubt Flurry's lineage, dear? Surely you didn't... Sleep around, did you?"

                                            >There's confusion emanating from him, but not a hint of suspicion or anger.

                                            >He really does trust you fully and completely.

                                            >You hug him with your wing, pressing yourself against him.

                                            "Not willingly, no. And it's just a suspicion I have."

                                            >"Wait, not willingly? What-"

                                            >That's when Starburst finishes his spell.

                                            >A ball of light briefly surrounds Flurry, making her rub her eyes and babble in confusion when it dissipates.

                                            >The sample of mana floats closer to the three of you.

                                            >Starburst reflexively fixes his glasses.

                                            >"Well, the spell went off without a hitch, I think..."

                                            >You nod, waiting for the results.

                                            >That's a actually a relatively common spell, though you never thought you'd have to use it, so you never learned it.

                                            >A paternity/maternity test, basically.

                                            >Lineage-obsessed unicorns invented it ages ago, to make sure that the heirs their mares brought back were actually theirs, and not some bastard from a one-night stand from some whorse, acquired while they were out on a campaign or travelling, or something.

                                            >The white ball of magic starts settling into separate colors.

                                            >A strand of pink magic extends towards you, the mother.

                                            >Magenta towards Shining armor.

                                            >A third color makes itself apparent in the mix, though.

                                            >"What? Three parents? But... how?! I'm so sorry, Your Highness, I must have messed up somehow, I..."

                                            "Shush, Starburst. The spell was perfect."

                                            >"But... But then... What...?"

                                            >You share a glance with Shining Armor. You both recognize that acid-green magic.

                                            "Chrysalis."


                                            >The two stallions stare at you.

                                            >You stare at them.

                                            >There's an awkward silence.

                                            >"So, uh..."

                                            >You sigh as Shining Armor speaks up.

                                            "I really don't know any way to put this delicately, so here goes: While I was foalnapped, Chrysalis raped me."

                                            >The two stallions stare at you. Again.

                                            >It takes them a while longer to recompose themselves this time.

                                            >"Wait, Chrysalis is male? I thought she introduced herself as "Queen of the changelings" Starbursts asks, scratching his head.

                                            >"So she's a dyke rapist? What did she even do to you?" Shining Armor joins in.

                                            >"You know, everypony always assumed you were the one who got raped while mind controlled," Starburst adds.

                                            >He opens his mouth to say something, but you head them off before the coltish babble can truly begin.

                                            "She's a shapeshifter, and we're not sure she's even a mammal, remember? She can do all sorts of freaky stuff, probably."

                                            >"Dear, why didn't you say anything about this before? Are you alright? Do you need to talk-"

                                            >You shut your husband up with a wing.

                                            "Shush, you. No, I don't need to talk about it, to anyone. I didn't say anything because it didn't even matter. I honestly forgot about it."

                                            >That upsets him a little.

                                            >"Dear, rape is not a joke. Even for mares. Especially for mares, really. The mental shock of getting raped... Can really make them question themselves and their own "mareliness". Some of the less confident ones just end up... Giving up."

                                            >You blink in confusion.

                                            "Wait, what? Where are mares even getting raped that you'd have a pool of knowledge to pull from? I don't think I even heard..."

                                            >He grimaces.

                                            >"I'm a former guard, dear. And while I never worked in prisons. well... I talked to some of the guys that did. When you shove a lot of unscrupulous mares in very tight quarters, and when they get horny. well... There's a reason "don't drop the soap" is the first lesson you learn in prison."

                                            "Wait, wait, but how does that work? They're regular mares, right? How does a-"

                                            >"That's not important right now! Dear, you have to tell me what happened!"

                                            "But how would dropping the soap-"

                                            >"Cadance, please."

                                            "And what would a mare-"

                                            >"Cadance!"

                                            >You huff, banishing thoughts of prison showers full of pent-up mares and attempts to figure out the mechanics of what Shining Armor is implying.

                                            "Fine, fine."


                                            ***************************


                                            "Flashback time, then. It was back when I was foalnapped and stuck in a cave. She got me while I was sleeping, so I didn't even know what happened. I was groggy from whatever sleep spell they used on me and trying to figure out why I was in a cave, when some freaky xenopony showed up. I'll admit, I was a little freaked out..."

                                            *****

                                            >"Hello there, tasty little morsel."

                                            "Ahhh! What the bucking Tartarus are you? Some mad wizard's experiment to create the world's ugliest bastard?!"

                                            >The smug smirk on the thing's face turned into a frown.

                                            >"You dare insult my magnificent beau-"

                                            "Seriously, you look like you fell out of the ugly tree and hit every branch on the way down!"

                                            >"You-"

                                            "You are one ugly fatherbucker, is what I'm saying."

                                            >"ENOUGH!"

                                            >The shout was punctuated with a blast of magic, smacking you against the wall.

                                            "Urgh..."

                                            >"Wretch," The thing hissed. "I was going to play with you a little first, but I suppose one shouldn't play with their food."

                                            "F-food?"

                                            >It was at that point you noticed the rather prominent fangs, which the creature was licking excitedly.

                                            >"Mmmm, yesss... Delicious fear... Tell me, pretty pink little princess, are you afraid of me?"

                                            >You manage to pull yourself together, wincing a little as you pick yourself off the cavern floor.

                                            "N-no."

                                            >Unfortunately, the waver in your voice gives the bluff away for what it is.

                                            >"Heheheh.. Ahahahahah... MUAHAHAHAHAHAH!!!"

                                            >You fight the urge to roll your eyes as some of the fear dissipates.

                                            >Is she being corny on purpose, or are villains actually like that in real life?

                                            "Is this the part where you tell me your entire evil plan?"

                                            >She snorts.

                                            >"Oh, silly, foolish pony princess. You think I am some bumbling pony villain? Please. I infiltrated the very heart of your nation and squirreled you away from under Celestia's nose. I am far above something as stupid as undoing myself by telling you my plans."

                                            >Usually, in the stories, that's exactly when they tell you their plans.

                                            >Unfortunately, gloating isn't her only purpose here.

                                            >"Now then, as I was saying... Foalnapping you did take effort, and I am hungry..."

                                            >You brace yourself to fight as she lights up her horn.

                                            >Instead of attacking you, though, she... Sets herself on fire?

                                            >The flames fade after a moment, and out steps...

                                            "Shining Armor?!"

                                            >"Oh goodness, my love, it's so good that I found you!"

                                            >You glare at the thing. You don't feel a lick of love from it. That's NOT your soon-to-be husband.

                                            "Shut your mouth, you ugly whorse. This is some kind of trick. I won't fall for cheap illusions!"

                                            >"Cheap? Oh, my dear..."

                                            >The imposter saunters over to you getting closer until your muzzles touch.

                                            >You expect the illusion to shatter, as they are fragile things.

                                            >This seems all too real, though.

                                            >Your eyes grow wider as the creature grins in a wild, manic way, an expression completely alien on Shining's face.

                                            >"You were saying?"

                                            >It rubs against you, and your mind feels conflicted as your every sense except for your eyes and empathy get confused.

                                            >The scent, the touch, it's all there. Every bit.

                                            >But Shining still doesn't walk that way, and you still can't feel any love from him.

                                            >"Now, let me ask you, little morsel... How do you think I achieved this? How can I copy your hunk of meat so perfectly?"

                                            >A stab of fear runs through you.

                                            "No..."

                                            >"Oh YES," The thing gloats. "I got your toy colt under my thrall. He's dancing on my strings as we speak. I examined him thoroughly... Just as I examined you while you were asleep. Don't worry - the wedding you were dreaming of? It'll go on. Buuuut... The bride, well... Might be slightly different, not that anypony's going to notice, heh heh heh."

                                            >Aaand there we go. She did tell you her plan.

                                            >You can't help but be concerned, though, your heart beating faster and faster as you're filled with concern for Shining.

                                            "If you hurt him, I swear, there won't be a hole deep enough for you-"

                                            >You don't get to finish your sentence as you're overcome by a sudden lightheadedness.

                                            "Guh...."

                                            >You sway on your hooves, barely able to keep standing.

                                            >Glancing at the thing pretending to be Shining, you see some kind of pink mist floating away from you and getting sucked into it's maw.

                                            >"Ahhhh... Delicious."

                                            "What... What did you just..."

                                            >"Your cutesy love is delicious, morsel. And just to think, it will give me the strength to keep your colt under my thrall as long as I need! Muahahah! Oh, the delicious irony! Almost as delicious as the love!"

                                            >She eats... Love?

                                            "You eat love?"

                                            >"Mhm."

                                            >Her eyes are glazed a bit, like she's drunk, or something.

                                            >Huh.

                                            "Is this some really weird way to try and herd with me, since I'm a princess of love? I'm afraid I'm kind of a mono mare..."

                                            >The only response is a cackle, as she pushes you down to the ground.

                                            >"Hah! You wish! No, pathetic pony, I am not here to participate in your weak pony society. I am going to take *everything*. Your love, your future husband, your city, your entire nation! All shall learn to fear me! And speaking of, what was that about deep holes, princess? I think I'll start my lessons with you!"

                                            "Grrruh..."

                                            >You try to resist, but the energy drain left you completely helpless.

                                            >Your legs scrabble uselessly on the floor, while nary a spark comes from your horn.

                                            >The thing, still in Shining Armor's form, moves to mount you.

                                            >You wonder if she's going to gloat more, until you feel something hot, heavy, and hard flop against your rear.

                                            "What?!"

                                            >The only answer is a chuckle.

                                            >You feel your tail lifted and your hindlegs spread by magic.

                                            >"Feel free to scream. No one will hear you in these caverns. Now then... Let's consummate our marriage, shall we, my love?"

                                            >You're a little afraid, but mostly, you're just confused. More confused than you ever been in your entire life.

                                            >Is this gay? Sure, she's in the form of Shining Armor, but you're fairly certain that the creature is female.

                                            >Is she going to say "no lesbo" before going at it?

                                            >Apparently not, as you feel the tip of... His? Tool poking at your marehood.

                                            >You clamp down, the only thing you really have the strength for.

                                            >"Cute. I could effortlessly force you open with magic, you know. But instead... How about this: Submit to me... Or it will end badly for you."

                                            >As she says it, she shapeshifts back into her natural form, the flames blinding you for a moment.

                                            >Instantly after that, you feel her massive fangs clamp down on your neck, pricking into your skin.

                                            >You inhale sharply, whinnying in terror, the sensations of sharp teeth on your throat firing off all the primitive parts of your brain.

                                            >You can't help but reflexively unclench, the creature chuckling and taking the chance to plunge... Something into you.

                                            >She's no longer a stallion, so you have no clue what that even is.

                                            >You don't think you want to know.

                                            >A whimper escapes your lips as the slimy appendage slides down to your deepest depths.

                                            >A reflexive clench is met with the same action from the fangs on your neck, so you force yourself to relax as much as possible.

                                            >With a growl, she immediately starts thrusting, battering your womb with the unusually long appendage.

                                            >You bite your lips, trying to keep yourself from making any noise.

                                            >You're only partially successful, grunting quietly every time she rams into you.

                                            >It doesn't even hurt that much. If circumstances were just a tiny bit different, you might even enjoy this.

                                            >What mare doesn't like a REAL rutting?

                                            >As things are, though, you're fighting unconsciousness from that whole love eating thing, you're sore from the stone floor, and the creature doing it said it was going to bring down your entire civilization.

                                            >Not exactly the kind of dirty talk that would turn you on.

                                            >At least she's being quiet and can't gloat while she's biting your neck.

                                            >A few tears fall from your eyes.

                                            >No, Cadance. Stay strong. Think of Sh-

                                            >Damn it, no, that'll just make her eat your love for him again.

                                            >You do your best to think of ponies you hate.

                                            >It's unpleasant. You draw your strength from love, not hate. But you manage.

                                            >This thing that's riding you. Noblemares. That one cunt from when you were a foal that called you a stinky loser. You'd punch her in the face if you ever met her again.

                                            >Fortunately, this isn't a session of passionate lovemaking, where both ponies are trying to draw it out as long as possible.

                                            >It doesn't take her long to start grunting, hissing in either pleasure or pain as she speeds up.

                                            >You do your best to just keep breathing as she rams into you one final time, her fangs piercing your skin and she reflexively bites down.

                                            >You feel the thing inside you swell, wondering how much like a stallion's tool it really is.

                                            >It's not the same, as there appears to be a bulge moving down it's length.

                                            >Your foggy mind tries to understand what's happening, but you can't make sense of it.

                                            >You whimper as your womb is forced open, and you swear you can feel something being pushed into it, slime coating your insides.

                                            >Is that how these creatures cum?

                                            >Ew.

                                            >Your assailant pants for a minute, before laughing quietly and standing up, her tool slipping out of you.

                                            >You're briefly tempted to try and take a look at it, but quash that bit of curiosity. Some things are best left unknown.

                                            "Guh..."

                                            >"Oh my, was I too rough with my delicate little flower?"

                                            >You grit your teeth and remain quiet, deciding to ignore it's taunts.

                                            >"Pretending to be tough, are you, soft little pony? Don't bother, I'm well aware of how pathetic you creatures are. Food and broodmothers for my eggs, that's all you're good for."

                                            >That makes you perk your ears up.

                                            "Eggs?!"

                                            >That makes her laugh again, the echoes reverberating in the cavern.

                                            >"What's the matter? Didn't you feel the one I put into you? Hahaha, did you pass out midway, or something? You ponies truly are weak. Enjoy your accommodations... I'll be back for you eventually, though, you can be certain of that. Would be a shame to waste food, after all, and I don't want that egg to go to waste, either."

                                            >You start hyperventilating.

                                            "Wait, wait, you're just messing with me, right? You didn't actually..."

                                            >The only answer is more mocking laughter as the creature leisurely trots away, leaving you splayed out on the floor, your muscles sore and your hindquarters covered in strange fluids, an unfamiliar tightness in your belly.

                                            >Unfortunately, your panic finally overwhelms your drained body, making you pass out.


                                            ----

                                            butts

                                            ----


                                            >Eventually, Celestia manages to find the time for a proper audience.

                                            >And to contain her giggles, of course.

                                            >You are led to a large veranda on the side of the palace, the Sun shining almost blindingly brightly outside while the roof provides comfortable shade.

                                            >Philomena sits on your shoulder, of course, looking more smug than you'd think a bird, magical or not, could possibly look.

                                            >Hell, more smug than *anything* could possibly look.

                                            >Why would that be? You're going to meet Celestia, her owner.

                                            >Then again, given how all the other noblemares acted, and given that Celestia is the biggest noble of them all...

                                            >Did she want to fuck you too? And is Philomena smug because of that?

                                            >Crap, you really hope she's not like that. She seemed pretty chill, from what little you saw so far.

                                            >The princess is comfortably laying down by a low table, a bunch of little snacks and a teapot on it.

                                            >Instead of chairs, there's a bunch of large pillows,

                                            >Once she sees you get close, she nods to the guards escorting you.

                                            >"Ah, good. You may go."

                                            >"Yes, Your Highness."

                                            >With a bow, they retreat.

                                            >Doing your best to contain your nerves, you take your seat.

                                            >You wonder briefly whether it was some kind of insult to sit down before you were invited, but you quash that thought without much effort.

                                            >After all the weirdness, fucking a phoenix included, you find yourself less and less bothered about potentially making a fool out of yourself.

                                            >"So. Anonymous of Earth, am I correct?"

                                            >Her voice is calm and smooth, and so is her expression, the alicorn pouring you a cup of tea with her magic.

                                            "Yes, Your Highness."

                                            >"Mm, titles. Curious thing, that. Since you're technically not my subject, I'm not really "your" highness, am I? Would you object to calling me Celestia?"

                                            "...I wouldn't, but I was under the impression that I was in Canterlot specifically in regards to my... Citizenship?"

                                            >"Indeed you were. An Outsider is not something you see every day, as I'm sure you know, and, supposedly harmless as you were, I still wanted to make sure."

                                            >You shrug.

                                            "Not exactly. Back on my world, we never had anything like inter-dimensional aliens at all. My world has no magic, so no magical shenanigans to speak of."

                                            >She hums thoughtfully, taking a sip of tea. You follow suit, eyeing the little teacakes and stuff.

                                            >"Indeed, by all accounts, you were remarkably mundane for an Outsider. Not even an unusual sort of magic in your possession. One would expect your visit to pass by unremarkably as well, but you still managed to make some waves, hm?"

                                            >She eyes Philomena as she says it, unable to contain a small giggle as the firebird puffs up, looking even MORE smug somehow.

                                            "...Yeah, I got nothing."

                                            >She giggles again.

                                            >"My goodness, did Philomena's courting floor you so hard that you're still unable to collect yourself? She wasn't really some Casanova last I checked."

                                            >Philomena chirps disdainfully at that, raising her beak in the air snootily like some noblemare.

                                            "Eh... The whole "dumped in another dimension" did. Philomena was just the final straw, so to speak."

                                            >"Oh dear. I hope you're not carrying on this relationship out of... Desperation? Lack of sanity?"

                                            "...Not really, I think. I do like her. She's great, but... Well, I'd really like to understand what she's saying, but I'm guessing that's something to do with magic."

                                            >She nods.

                                            >"I'm afraid so. Lacking magical ability, you might learn her cues and some bits of speech by memorizing them, but direct communication is probably not possible."

                                            "I can still ask you questions about her, though, can't I?"

                                            >"Oh my, of course! Anything."

                                            >Philomena seems to become a tiny bit nervous at that.

                                            "Alright, well, what's with her attraction to me? I mean, uh... Including the physical. I'd never even have considered... But she just... Went straight for... Yeah."

                                            >You cough awkwardly and take a sip of tea as both Philomena and Celestia giggle.

                                            >"<Hey, if you're surrounded by nothing but ponies for centuries...>"

                                            >"Hmm, indeed. As Philomena just said, she has spent many, many years with ponies. I suppose, over time, her tastes have shifted and widened to adapt to her current situation. A not uncommon phenomenon among creatures of all kinds of species."

                                            >"<Yeah, and I happened to saw some things when flying around. Naked stallions. Ponies going at it. Eventually, I couldn't help but wonder how'd something like that feel inside me. Got me all hot and bothered, to my surprise.>"

                                            "I'll take your word for it, given that we're the only sapient beings on our world. Which kind of ties into my next question."

                                            >"Sapience?"

                                            "Yes. I noticed that animals in this dimension all seem to be at... Well, maybe not equal, but almost equal mental level ponies seem to be. Which is just all kinds of weird. Which just makes me question what's the difference between "animal" and "person" considered here."

                                            >"Ahh. I see. That's a tricky one."

                                            "Take your time. It's something that's immediately obvious, but when you actually try to put it into words and explain it to an outsider, it's suddenly not so easy any more, is it?"

                                            >"Indeed! You're a clever stallion, aren't you? Hmm... Well... Honestly, it varies a lot. The easiest way to put it would be civilization. Animals don't build things - save for nests and such, of course - but at the same time, that does not exclude them from being, as you said, of nearly equal mental capacity. However, it varies from individual to individual and species. Some species are dumb as rocks, while others are considered far more intelligent."

                                            >You nod.

                                            "A lot like how it was back home. There were some very smart birds. Parrots, ravens and the like, but that still wasn't nearly at the level creatures are here at. If I'd grabbed a raven, I'm pretty sure most of them would still struggle in a panic until they died, as most animals do."

                                            >Celestia blinks in surprise as Philomena chirps in disdain.

                                            >"My word. They're so senseless? All of them?"

                                            >You shrug.

                                            "Most of them, yes. Dumb as bricks, compared to animals here."

                                            >"Ah. I see. Let me guess: with such a vast gulf in the capacity for reasoning, relationships like the one with Philomena were looked down upon back in your world?"

                                            "Pretty much. They're considered... Highly depraved by pretty much every civilized society, and are illegal in many of them. I was honestly flabbergasted when everyone found out, and didn't even bat an eye at it. Heck, they were much more concerned with feeling jealous for Philomena rather than the fact I was railing someone that's a... Well, a pet."

                                            >Grimacing, you take a teacake while Celestia giggles, Philomena chirping proudly.

                                            >"<Buck yeah, take that, losers! Who's got the brightest plumage and landed herself the biggest cock - in every sense of the word?>"

                                            >Celestia lets out an un-princess like horsey snort as she eyes the bird.

                                            >"Language, Philomena."

                                            >Still chirp-laughing, the firebird flaps her wings and lands on Celestia's back, instead.

                                            >"Anyway, like I said, it's a... Highly individualistic thing. No small amount of ponies do indeed consider such relationships odd and at least somewhat depraved, especially if one party is just... Taking advantage of someone lesser than them. The thing with Philomena is, she's quite well-known in Canterlot by now. Both for her intelligence and personality."

                                            "That's another question. We had fairytales about phoenixes and the like. Does she really have all their mythical powers? She's immortal and can't be killed?"

                                            >Celestia hums.

                                            >"She can be killed, but unless she dies in some specific ways, she is capable of endless rebirth, yes. But not immortal."

                                            "That's still nuts. Makes you wonder how is it that the entire world is not covered by phoenixes."

                                            >"They do have predators, I'm afraid. If a phoenix is swallowed by a creature with more powerful internal flames, such as, say, a dragon..."

                                            >Philomena huffs angrily.

                                            "Ah. That explains why she'd go off to live here, away from her natural habitat. At least, I'm assuming this isn't her natural habitat."

                                            >"Indeed not. She manages to get by with the occasional dietary supplement, though."

                                            >As Celestia explains it, she levitates a few black nuggets from a box that was hidden under the table towards Philomena.

                                            >It almost looks like coal.

                                            >Wait, that's probably exactly what it is.

                                            >Philomena happily gobbles them up.

                                            >Next is a yellow-ish nugget. Sulfur?

                                            >She eats it up as well, her feathers rippling magically as if they were on fire.

                                            >Weird, but in comparison to everything else that you saw? 2/10, at most.

                                            "So, to clarify fully and completely... My relationship with her is not... Wrong?"

                                            >Celestia smiles.

                                            >"I wouldn't say so, though I'm not going pretend that it didn't take me by surprise. My goodness, the looks on the faces of the noblemares..."

                                            >You can't help but smile as well.

                                            "Priceless."

                                            >"Indeed."

                                            >All three of you spend a couple minutes chuckling.

                                            >Celestia manages to calm down first, her voice becoming more serious.

                                            >"Still, if it was a spur-of-the-moment thing... It would probably be a good idea to decide just how serious you're considering this relationship to be. If it's just a roll in the hay, it'd be best to break this off now, after both of you had some fun and blew off some steam."

                                            >Philomena turns her head towards you, giving you a piercing look.

                                            >You purse your lips as you dig through your emotions.

                                            "Well, ah... Hm. I... I honestly like her... I think."

                                            >Philomena chirps, flying over to you and landing on your shoulder again, rubbing her face against yours.

                                            >"<That's my mate.>"

                                            >Celestia smiles.

                                            >"That is good to hear."

                                            "And does she... Like me?"

                                            >Celestia raises an eyebrow as she looks at the firebird.

                                            >"<Hey, what's with the question? I ride your fat dick every night while you stuff me to near bursting, and you still need to ask me that?>"

                                            >"Hmmm... Well, she certainly enjoys your... Sexual prowess."

                                            >You frown a little.

                                            "Ah."

                                            >Philomena begins chirping in a panic, hugging you with her wings.

                                            >"<Whoa hey whoa hey whoa hey whoa hey! Watch what you're saying, sunbutt, or I'll set your bed on fire! He's mine, and I'm not leaving him until he's ash!>"

                                            >Celestia chuckles, taking a sip of tea.

                                            >"Well, phoenixes have different ways of expressing love, but she says that she doesn't want to leave you until your dying days."

                                            >You stop briefly, your teacup hovering halfway between the table and your mouth.

                                            >It takes a few moments for your brain to catch up as Celestia looks at you with mild concern.

                                            >You slowly raise your other hand, petting Philomena and rubbing your nose against her beak.

                                            "That... Is sweet. No one ever told me that before."

                                            >Your heart beats a little faster. And here you thought that thing was shriveled up and dead.

                                            >Celestia seems a little sad.

                                            >"Oh, you poor dear. No human mares ever offered to herd with you at all? You seem like a well-mannered and upstanding stallion."

                                            >You laugh and shake your head.

                                            "We don't do herding back home, but no. Men are a bit more... Abundant than stallions here. Lots more abundant, so I was nothing special."

                                            >"Well, you're most certainly very, very special now."

                                            "Right... The whole attention from the nobles thing... Only one of my kind... And an "Outsider", as you called me?"

                                            >"Indeed. You could probably form a very large herd with a number of wealthy and powerful mares."

                                            >You grimace in disgust at the thought.

                                            "Eugh. I'll stick with Philomena, thank you very much."

                                            >"<Oh yeah, who's the best! Take me right now, on this table!>"

                                            >You can only assume that Philomena's saying something uncouth, judging by the look Celestia is giving her.

                                            >"No, Philomena. Bad phoenix."

                                            >"<Let me smash!>"

                                            >"Not in public."

                                            "I guess this is the animal part of her behavior?"

                                            >"Your guess is correct, yes. Smart as they are, even the smartest animals are still... Animalistic from time to time."

                                            >Philomena jumps down on the table, picking up a blueberry-topped tart and offering it to you.

                                            >"<I got you blue. Bastards love blue.>"

                                            >You glance at her beak, a brief thought about hygiene flitting through your mind, before you remember all the other things you did with her. Allllll the other things.

                                            >You take the tart, biting into it as Philomena looks proud, while Celestia shakes her head with a smile.

                                            >"So, do you have any other things you'd like me to translate while we're here?"

                                            "Some. I'm, ah... We're... Hrm."

                                            >You falter as you search for the words, Celestia giggling.

                                            >"Go ahead. I am millennia old, dear. You're not likely to fluster me with anything you might say."

                                            "Well, shocking as it is, our relationship is... Impressively healthy in the physical relations part..."

                                            >Celestia nods, suppressing her grin.

                                            >"Yes, Philomena has informed me. In truly exquisite detail. Truly."

                                            >You glare at said bird, Philomena whistling innocently.

                                            "Well, I'm still wondering about the compatibility. Surely it must hurt her, right? We're just so different..."

                                            >"Oh, no. Philomena assures me that it's quite a thrilling experience for her."

                                            >"<It's amazing how much you land creatures can communicate with just your dicks. When he throbs inside me as I caress those balls of his... Mare, you have no idea.>"

                                            "Do phoenixes just don't feel pain?"

                                            >"They do, but they can take a lot of punishment, and, with their special abilities, they... Well, Philomena, at least, has some rather differing attitudes towards things."

                                            >You raise your eyebrows.

                                            "Yeah? Like what?"

                                            >Philomena begins chirping into your ear. You're assuming that she's trying to be seductive.

                                            >"<I still hope you actually rut me to death with that monster dick of yours someday.>"

                                            >You look towards Celestia, who's looking a bit uncomfortable.

                                            >For the first time, she loses control of the conversation, using overly formal words to describe what Philomena said.

                                            >"She, ah... Has expressed a hope to... Be ended by your impressively-sized stallionhood some day."

                                            "...She wants me to fuck her to death?"

                                            >"In laymare's terms, yes."

                                            >You raise your hands towards your head as you facepalm and rub your face.

                                            >Celestia tsks, looking at Philomena.

                                            >"See? What did I tell you about manners? You don't just tell stallions such things to their faces, silly bird. They're delicate creatures."


                                            >You sigh as you recompose yourself, Philomena looking at least somewhat embarrassed.

                                            "It wouldn't actually hurt her, I'm assuming?"

                                            >"Oh, no. She'd be fine moments later. Still, there is a limit to how often she can get reborn. It is an intense process powered by magic, and creatures do run out of magic if they use it extensively. Usually, that'd just mean a period of forced rest, but in her case..."

                                            >You nod at the implications.

                                            "Right. Permanent death. Got it."

                                            >"Correct. And, for what it's worth, she does not specifically seek to die. Rather, hm..."

                                            "She thinks that having sex so wild it'd literally kill her would give her mad bragging rights?"

                                            >Celestia smiles at your understanding.

                                            >"Yes! Something like that."

                                            "Ha. Back home, a potential murder case like that would crop up now and then in the news. Someone would die, with the other person insisting that it was entirely consensual, and an accident from some overly dangerous stuff in the bedroom that the other person insisted on. I can't begin to imagine the social stigma someone would have with a reputation like that. Quite different when your partner can just come back from the dead, though..."

                                            >"Mm, yes. Do remember my warning, though."

                                            "I will. I'm certainly not going to start killing or hurting her on purpose for some sick amusement."

                                            >She smiles in approval.

                                            >"That's wonderful to hear. Do you wish to know anything else about her?"

                                            >You shrug.

                                            "Nothing else comes to mind right now."

                                            >"Very well. In that case, we should probably discuss your future in Equestria, and your employment."

                                            "Oh... Right. Some of the staff have been calling me the "Royal pet caretaker". What's that about? Did you give me a job without me knowing about it?"

                                            >"Not quite. They started that first, but once I heard about it, I found the idea quite to my liking."

                                            "But... I'm not taking care of Philomena. I don't know the first thing about her special dietary needs, or anything of the sort."

                                            >Celestia smiles and shakes her head.

                                            >"Oh, but you're taking very good care of her other needs! And, honestly, the poor dear probably needed it quite badly, after centuries of being alone in regards to intimate companionship."

                                            "...Ah."

                                            >"But don't think that I'm offering you a position to just be a comfort stallion for my pet! You can learn more about her. I'm certain she's going to be spending far more time with you than me. And, you doubtless have interesting knowledge that lots of ponies would love to pick your brain for - figuratively, of course. And it's probably best if they do it here, with you as a resident of the palace, rather than sending you out into the world and releasing you upon a ravenous horde of scientists."

                                            >You nod as you thoughtfully gaze outside.

                                            "Yeah, okay. That scenario probably wouldn't end well for me."

                                            >"Quite. I'm certain the excitement will die down eventually, but for now, I'd still recommend to take some guards with you if you go out into the city."

                                            "Noted. So it will be an official position?"

                                            >"Correct. With pay, lodgings, and everything else, though you'd have to downgrade your living quarters a bit."

                                            >You wave it off.

                                            "That's plenty fine, it was obscenely opulent anyway. You could have put twenty people in that place, and there'd still be space for more."

                                            >"I am very happy to see you being so reasonable about this. If that is all, then I believe this conversation is concluded. Kindly follow the guards to the administrative wing, where they will deal with your paperwork."

                                            >As if materializing from the ether (which is not an impossibility around here), a pair of guardsmares appear nearby, bowing to Celestia.

                                            "Thank you very much for everything... Celestia."

                                            >She beams as you remember her request to forgo her title. You swear that the Sun outside gets brighter for a moment.

                                            >"Don't mention it. This is not a charity hoof-out. I am certain you're going to provide everyone with many hours of stimulating conversations about your world, as well as take good care of Philomena."

                                            >With a nod, you rise, and follow the guardsmares.

                                            >Philomena remains silent the entire time as she sits on your shoulder, probably still embarrassed by her little outburst of too much information.

                                            >You're led towards some offices deeper inside, a bored mare perking up a little as she looks you up and down.

                                            >Mostly down. Lingering on your legs.

                                            >"Ah, yes, I know why you're here. Formalization of your employment in the palace, yes?"

                                            "Pretty much yeah."

                                            >"Well, let me just pull up the forms... Bit of a new position, hm... Ah, here we are."

                                            >She presents you with a contract, which you take your time to read and scrutinize.

                                            >Don't want to find out that this all has been a ruse and you're selling your soul to some demon that's pretending to be a cute pony, or something like that.

                                            >Seems fairly normal, though. You have no idea if the pay is fair or not, but Celestia doesn't seem like the kind of mare that would scam you.

                                            >You certainly hope she isn't, anyway. And you're able to quit with a month's notice instead of being locked in for years or somesuch, so it looks quite fair.

                                            "Well. Here goes..."

                                            >Putting your signature on it, you take a moment to ponder the deeper meaning behind the moment.

                                            >You just landed a job. The ponies probably wouldn't have let you starve to death anyway, but it's still a pretty big step towards having some sort of stability in all the insanity you found yourself in.

                                            >The secretary glances at your signature for a moment before nodding, filing the contract away.

                                            >"That would be all, then. You will be provided quarters, in... One moment..."

                                            >Another bit of shuffling later, she pulls out a small map of a section of the palace, showing a specific room to the guards, who nod.

                                            >Some more walking, and you're in your new lodgings.

                                            >They're not the swanky-as-all-hell luxury suite you've been in before, but it's still the palace. All marble and stuff, with a bed that's been seemingly made bigger for you.

                                            >You guess Celestia foresaw that you were going to accept. Not like you had much choice.

                                            >Philomena flies around a bit, chirping with some disappointment.

                                            >"<The previous nest was better. A bit big, sure, but you're pretty big yourself.>"

                                            "If you're complaining about the room size, then shush, you. And don't think I forgot about your weird kinks. I didn't even think birds could have fetishes."

                                            >She blushes, her face lighting up with magic as she hides her head under a wing.

                                            "Heh. Goddamn you're adorable, though."

                                            >She coos something, barely audibly.

                                            "Anyway, if I'm going to be living in this maze, I should probably start learning the layout... Sometime. Polite as Celestia was, though, that conversation drained me."

                                            >You sigh as you drag a palm across your face, sitting down on the bed.

                                            >Seeing this, Philomena chirps again, flying over and landing on your shoulder, rubbing your face with her beak.

                                            >"<Stressed, are you? I know a way to relax...>"

                                            >By this time, you're fairly good at recognizing when the bird is giving you "fuck me" eyes, given how damn often she does it.

                                            >You burst out laughing, shaking your head.

                                            "You damn horndog."

                                            >She doesn't exactly deny it, rubbing herself all over you and chirping some more.

                                            >"<Don't pretend you don't want these feathers.>"

                                            "Yeah, okay. You want to get stuffed? You like it rough? Let's stuff the bird, then."

                                            >Casually grabbing Philomena with one hand, you effortlessly swing her around as she squawks in surprise and excitement.

                                            >Laying her on her back on the bed, you take your clothes off, your shaft already growing.

                                            >Before long, you're ramming your dick inside her, her magical regenerative powers making it so she's still almost as maddeningly tight as the first time you did it.

                                            >It still takes no small amount of effort, holding her lithe body down with both hands and pressing her against the bed so she doesn't slide away from the force.

                                            >It's totally worth it, though, as you feel the ticklish sensation of her feathers on your balls and the furnace of her insides on your shaft, Philomena's face going blank as you hilt inside her.

                                            "Let's see just how senseless I can fuck you this time..."


                                            ---------


                                            >Once you're done fucking the Phoenix into unconsciousness, you examine the bathroom and clean both of you up, gently depositing the snoozing and badly ruffled phoenix on a pillow.

                                            >Again, not as fancy as before, but plenty nice.

                                            >You heard how some nobles would have lavish mansions and stick their servants into absolute matchbox-sized shitholes, but Celestia seems to be better than that.

                                            >It's only after your escapades are done for the moment that the thought of discretion catches up to you.

                                            >The servant's quarters are closer together, and if there's other ponies around, they more than likely heard you fucking Philomena's brains out.

                                            >You don't really make much noise, but Philomena doesn't exactly try to keep silent.

                                            >Oops.

                                            >Even though the secret is out now, there's still the manner of basic politeness. You should probably try to keep things a bit more quiet next time.