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Phoenix Down'd

By SmutAnon
Created: 2023-03-20 00:27:16
Updated: 2024-04-18 20:06:53
Expiry: Never
nsfwanonymousclopgreentexthumanrgrephilomena

  1. >Be Anon.
  2. >A man out of time.
  3. >Or, rather, out of space-time continuum.
  4. >It's a weird situation that only keeps getting weirder and weirder with every passing day.
  5. >You would think that getting dumped into an alternate dimension where the people are replaced with magical ponies would be as strange as it gets.
  6. >Nope, that was only the beginning.
  7. >Next came the attempts to adapt to their society.
  8. >Their customs, cultural norms...
  9. >Gender roles.
  10. >Hell, laws of physics were different here, let alone the fiddly stuff like behavioral expectations.
  11. >You're just trying your best to get through life one day at a time, at this point.
  12. >Fortunately, being male seems to have made the ponies think you're harmless.
  13. >Unfortunately, not every pony is so dumb.
  14. >A few of the more clever ones understand that the fact that you're an interdimensional alien far outweighs the fact that you have a dick and balls.
  15. >The ruler of the nation was informed of your existence by her student.
  16. >Twilight Sparkle treated you fairly at all times, but she didn't immediately label you as a "stallion", calling you "alien" first and foremost.
  17. >Well, it's not like she's wrong.
  18. >You really don't have much, if anything, in common with these stallions, as far as you saw.
  19. >Either way, the Princess wanted to take a look at you herself before letting you reside in her country.
  20. >Which is entirely fair, really.
  21. >So, you were given a ticket to the capital, along with an escort of a couple guards so you "don't get lost".
  22. >You're honestly not sure if the reason for guards was honest or not. It doesn't matter, really.
  23. >You were brought to the castle and show to a room.
  24. >All marble and gold, fancy as all hell.
  25. >Seriously, you haven't seen luxury of this kind before, not even on the various shows on Earth that showed off various palaces and rich people's homes and stuff.
  26. >The servants told you that the Princess was very busy, and that you should enjoy the amenities until she found some free time.
  27. >It wasn't a bad deal, really.
  28. >It wasn't even a gilded cage. More like gilded, polished, encrusted with diamonds and lined with silk.
  29. >You could walk around the palace and even the city, if you wanted.
  30. >With an escort, of course.
  31. >Which is what you decided to do this morning.
  32. >You're regretting your choice right now.
  33. >Turns out, they weren't there to keep you in line after all.
  34. >You sigh and roll your eyes as the dozenth mare that day gets told to get lost by the guards and trots off while winking lasciviously at you and telekinetically grabbing your ass.
  35. >They used to fondle your balls at first, but the guards wised up and started casting some sort of counter magic.
  36. >You rub your eyes as you consider the situation.
  37. >Apparently, being a guest of the Princess, an exotic male, and (according to rumors, which are not untrue) the only one of your kind makes you a really, really prized catch.
  38. >Putting it mildly.
  39. >All the noblemares are gunning after your ass (Well, your dick, really.).
  40. >Which would be flattering, if they didn't make it immensely, utterly, completely obvious that they were only doing it for the prestige and chance to show off.
  41. >It was obvious they'd dump you the moment the next popular thing came along, if not even earlier.
  42. >After a few minutes, you shake your head.
  43. "Screw this, let's go back to the palace. I think the palace gardens are rather large, I'll go for a walk there, instead."
  44. >"Very well, sir."
  45. >You and your guards make it back behind the safety of the gates.
  46. >Not that there's no nobles here, either, just a bit fewer of them.
  47. >Still, they're at least a tiny bit more reserved, perhaps afraid of acting out too much while they're in Celestia's home.
  48. >"Hey there stud, want to go for a trot around my estate? I'd show you my fields, and you could... Plant some seeds there, hmm?"
  49. >Tiny, tiny bit.
  50. >You sigh and open your mouth to reply, only for a loud caw to interrupt you.
  51. >Some sort of very bright red bird swoops in, stealing the mare's hat and flying off while cawing madly in a way that sounds like it's laughing it's ass off.
  52. >"Hey! Get back here, you pest!"
  53. "Huh..."
  54. >You watch with some amusement as the mare chases off after her stolen hat.
  55. >After a few moments, you walk off.
  56. >That's not the end of it, though.
  57. >The bird finds you after a few minutes, landing on a branch nearby and examining you curiously.
  58. >You examine it in return.
  59. >It's fairly large, slender, and with very, very crisp colors.
  60. >It looks like it's literally made of fire.
  61. >It's face is immensely expressive too, almost like it's a human. Or a pony.
  62. >It glances at you with an equivalent of a raised eyebrow, scanning your form.
  63. >You already noticed that animals seem to be at practically human-level intelligence in Equestria.
  64. >All animals, not just dolphins or bears or something.
  65. >You were brought to Fluttershy, and you saw even animals that were dumb as bricks back home behave as if they were fully sapient.
  66. >Must be magic or something, and this bird definitely looks extra-magical.
  67. >You turn to your guards.
  68. "Pardon me, but do you know what is the species of this bird?"
  69. >"That is a phoenix, sir. Her name is Philomena, she is Princess Celestia's pet. Do be careful around her, though. She is extremely mischievous, as you already saw."
  70. >Phoenix? Damn.
  71. "Well, she already treated me better that literally every noblemare so far, so she's alright in my book," You snort.
  72. >Philomena caws at this, puffing out her chest.
  73. >After a moment of thought, she flaps her wings, sending tiny streaks of fire through the air.
  74. >Making a circle, she lands on your shoulder, hugging the side of your head with one wing and rubbing your face with her chest while making some more bird noises.
  75. "...Huh."
  76. >The guards cough, seemingly trying not to laugh.
  77. "Is there some significance to this?"
  78. >"Not particularly, sir. Usually, what she's doing, well... It's the same way a pegasus would lay claim to a mate. I'm guessing that she's messing with you, but didn't expect that you wouldn't know what it meant."
  79. >You blink slowly as the smartass phoenix looks at you, her expression being one of immense amusement.
  80. >You're guessing that she's expecting you to freak out, and then she'd fly away laughing again.
  81. >Hah. Jokes on her. You're not that easy to flap.
  82. >Some would even call you unflappable.
  83. >You shrug with a small grin.
  84. "Fine by me, Philomena."
  85. >The guards and the phoenix all blink slowly in shock as you reach out with a hand, petting her head and gently scratching her.
  86. "So, since it's apparently the females that are the dominant gender here, does it mean you'll protect my innocence from the rest of those ornery mares, too?"
  87. >Philomena is obviously flustered, cawing and crooing something barely audible before puffing up again.
  88. >Looks like she's not one to chicken out, nuzzling you with her beak before settling down on your shoulder and looking at your guardsmares smugly.
  89. >Is that massive jealousy in their eyes?
  90. >Nah, couldn't be.
  91. "Anyway, let's keep walking, shall we?"
  92. >You spend a few more hours walking through the palace grounds, exploring all the interesting nooks and crannies.
  93. >Philomena stays with you the entire time, happily chasing off the noblemares.
  94. >Some just need to get buzzed by her with her claws extended, others need a bit more.
  95. >A few run away with their fancy tails literally on fire.
  96. >Philomena shrieks and caws, laughing her avian ass off.
  97. >The guards seem amused as well, likely wanting to do something similar, but unable due to their regulations.
  98. >The royal pet has no such restrictions, apparently.
  99. >Either that, or she doesn't care if she gets punished.
  100. >You figure there's not much you could do to punish an immortal being like her, anyway.
  101. >At least, you assume she's immortal. Or, rather, she can get reborn again and again.
  102. >Fun as it is, though, the day comes to an end eventually.
  103. >You go back to your room, your guards getting off their shifts.
  104. >Philomena stays with you, though, probably having decided that she's having more fun than she had in years.
  105. >Probably. You can't understand her, save for her facial expressions.
  106. >Her expression is definitely screaming "laughing my ass off", so your assumption probably isn't wrong.
  107. >Some ponies seem to understand animal noises just fine, though.
  108. >One mare that ambushed you in a corridor looks like Philomena just insulted her entire family tree at least a dozen generations down.
  109. >Chuckling, you enter your room.
  110. "Well. That was an interesting day for sure."
  111. >"Caw. Caw ca-ca-ca-caw. Caw. Caw-caw."
  112. >You wonder what she's saying.
  113. >"(No kidding. I'd get in big trouble for setting ponies on fire like that, but with you as an excuse, I'm pretty sure even Sunnybutt won't be mad. Did you see the looks on their faces? Priceless.)"
  114. "Hope you had fun."
  115. >"(I just told you, dingus. Guess you're one of those that can't understand, aren't you? Well, you're from far away, so you're forgiven. So, what's next, my mate? Are we going to have even more fun? You going to properly claim me and fuck me with your alien dick?)"
  116. >You idly pet Philomena's head as you listen to her caw and chirp.
  117. >She really sounds like she's saying a lot of things, pretty complicated thoughts, at that.
  118. >You can't understand a thing, but it's definitely not random birdsong.
  119. >Crazy place...
  120. >Shaking your head, you pull a rope that summons a maid.
  121. "I really can't understand you, Philomena, but thank you. You made today a whole lot better. Wish I could express my gratitude somehow, but I'm sure you already have everything you need. Celestia doesn't sound like the kind of mare to be neglectful."
  122. >"(Whoa there! Sure, Sunnyflanks is nice and all, but she can't give me everything. Like a nice cock to spend time with. You, on the other claw... You know, it started as a joke at first, but I think I changed my mind. You're mine now. I defended you against all those losers, like a proper mate, too. Now, you want to express your gratitude? Smash me. It's been so long, I think my slit is full of ash by this point.)"
  123. >You listen to Philomena express some sort of complex ideas while you order some dinner from the maid.
  124. >Sitting down, you gaze through the window while the phoenix rubs and nuzzles herself against you.
  125. >Without thinking, you reach out, slowly running your hands through her feathers.
  126. >She coos in pleasure, gently nibbling at your ear.
  127. >"(You like that? I saw mares do that to stallions.)"
  128. >You sigh, continuing your petting.
  129. >Your dinner arrives soon, interrupting your cuddles with your "mate".
  130. >Philomena hops off your shoulder, stealing a few bites from your plate.
  131. >You don't mind, fishing out the stuff she seems to like.
  132. "Help yourself."
  133. >"(Hmmm, really acting like a proper cock, offering me the best bits even if you didn't procure this food yourself. I like you more and more.)"
  134. >You say nothing as she caws, enjoying your meal.
  135. >Once you're done, you spend some more time petting Philomena, the bird happily reciprocating with nuzzles and winghugs.
  136. >As you sit on the balcony and watch the sunset, you glance at your new friend.
  137. "I always thought birds were really cool, you know. No limits or walls - just spread your wings and fly off. I always like birds of all kinds, even the dumb ones, like pigeons. You're really something else, though, aren't you?"
  138. >"(Oh, you know it, hot stuff. I'm the best there is.)"
  139. "I found pegasi fascinating at first, though the way the mares act was really offputting to me."
  140. >"(Haw! Those pretenders WISH they could have plumage as beautiful as mine, or that they could fly as swiftly! Flying bricks with wings, I tell you. If you're into avians, you made the right choice, that's for sure.)"
  141. "Your feathers are really amazing. Can't stop looking at you, honestly."
  142. >She puffs up again, looking immensely proud.
  143. >She really does understand every word, it looks like.
  144. >You only wish you could understand her.
  145. >"(Laying it on a bit thick, aren't you? Don't stop, though. I can see you mean it.)"
  146. "Anyway, thanks again for today. If there's anything I can do for you... Well. I'm not sure how'd you communicate it to me, but I'm in your debt."
  147. >Philomena's eyes go a little wider, and you swear you can see something like a smirk on her beak.
  148. >That's not possible, though, right? Beaks don't bend that way.
  149. >Then again, she's a magical bird. You're not even sure if she's made of flesh and bone.
  150. >"(Oh, I know *exactly* how you're going to pay me back, don't worry...)"
  151. >A shiver runs down your spine as she lids her eyes and gives you a peck on the lips.
  152. >A literal peck.
  153. >You feel like you just sealed your fate... Somehow. No clue what kind of fate, though.
  154. >You shake your head to get rid of the feeling.
  155. >You're just being paranoid.
  156. >Probably.
  157. >You pet Philomena for a while longer before going off to bathe.
  158. >She caws and flies after you, hopping into the bath.
  159. "I'd have thought you would be afraid of water, what with you being a phoenix. Alright then."
  160. >You shrug, undressing yourself.
  161. >You feel like you're being sized up by a predator, for some reason.
  162. >You glance around, just in case some mare managed to sneak into the bathroom.
  163. >No one but Philomena. False alarm, then.
  164. >Not like she'd think of you that way. That's just silly.
  165. >When you're getting into the bath, though, she makes a sound that you haven't heard before.
  166. >Instead of a caw or a trill, it's a perfect wolf-whistle.
  167. >You heard a bunch from various mares, but didn't expect it from her at all.
  168. "Huh."
  169. >You're so stumped that you just stand there for a moment, one leg in the bath while the phoenix gazes at your crotch with lidded eyes.
  170. >Is she...?
  171. >No, you're just imagining things.
  172. >Shaking your head, you turn on the water.
  173. >Philomena splashes around a bit while the water's shallow, like she was in a bird bath.
  174. >Once it starts getting deeper, she hops out, flapping her wings and sending droplets everywhere.
  175. >You chuckle as you reach for the soap.
  176. >The bath is relaxing. Just what you needed after a long day.
  177. >Philomena perches on the towel, bringing it to you when you get out of the water.
  178. >It's very toasty, almost hot.
  179. >Did she heat it up somehow?
  180. "Wow. Thank you."
  181. >She caws as she puffs up proudly again while you towel off.
  182. >After brushing your teeth, you slink off to bed.
  183. >Philomena follows after you, cooing mischievously.
  184. "Um... You want to sleep with me, too? You're really taking this "mate" thing seriously, aren't you?"
  185. >You chuckle, going towards the bed and pulling off the covers, sitting down.
  186. >She nods slowly, looking you straight in the eye,
  187. >The laughter dies in your throat as the full reality of the situation dawns on you.
  188. "Um..."
  189. >The firebird flaps her wings, landing on the bed and strutting towards you.
  190. >It's the smuggest strut that you ever saw, from any creature in either universe.
  191. >Cawing something, she carefully climbs on your thigh as your eyes go wide as plates.
  192. >"(So, about that debt you owe me...)"
  193. >You gasp as she extends one leg and grabs your dick with her claws, wrapping them snugly around your shaft and immediately starting to pump it back and forth.
  194. >Her legs are a bit like a parrot's, in that she's able to pick stuff up and manipulate it with them.
  195. >You're so flabbergasted, you don't even know what to do.
  196. "Huh, whu, buh, you, but, I'm not- we-"
  197. >It takes you a good minute for your brain to reboot.
  198. >Unfortunately, while your higher thoughts were shut down, the hardware was doing it's own thing.
  199. >And Philomena's claws are actually rather warm and pleasant, likely due to her phoenix nature.
  200. >While you were collecting your thoughts, your dick twitched and grew at her ministrations, going rock hard in the time you recomposed yourself.
  201. >Philomena glances at your shaft straining against her claws, letting out another wolf whistle.
  202. >She puts more weight on it, your shaft throbbing and keeping her up.
  203. >Turning to look you in the face, she waggles her eyes.
  204. >She doesn't have eyebrows, but the message is rather clear.
  205. >You take a deep, deep breath.
  206. "Is this really happening?"
  207. >Philomena caws something, nuzzling against your lips gently and patting you with her wing.
  208. >"(Oh, it's happening alright. Don't think I can't feel how aroused you are. Now, come on. Get that thing inside me. This is going to be SO awesome.)"
  209. >You rub your face.
  210. >Once you open your eyes, though, the scene hasn't changed.
  211. >You still have a magnificent, beautiful, attractive firebird stroking your shaft, giving you the "fuck me" eyes.
  212. >Wait, attractive?
  213. >Fuck sake, brain.
  214. >...
  215. >Fuck it. Fuck everything.
  216. >This is just too much bullshit to deal with at once.
  217. >You give up.
  218. "Alright. You know what? I don't even care any more. I'm all out of fucks to give. Well, except the one I'm about to give you. But how... Won't I kill you? The size difference, and... I don't think birds even have dicks. Except... You're immortal? Are you going to be alright?"
  219. >She immediately starts chattering, nodding excitedly.
  220. >"(Flames of Eyjafjallajökull, yes! Ram me with that thing! I don't even care if you kill me, it's going to be even hotter that way, 'cause I'm going to just come right back to life! None of those loser ponies can brag about something like *that*! Buck, I'm getting sparky just thinking about it!)"
  221. >A few sparks fall off her wings as she excitedly flaps them, fortunately going out before they reach the bed.
  222. >She coos and moves to straddle your dick, rubbing her body on your shaft and giving you a lewd look again, tickling your legs with her tail feathers.
  223. >You shrug, completely past caring.
  224. "...Suit yourself."
  225. >You feel a slight indentation in her feathers, which you assume is where she wants your dick to go.
  226. >You wrap your hands around her slender body, effortlessly picking her up.
  227. "Here goes," You mutter, looking her in the eyes.
  228. >She caws excitedly, rapidly nodding.
  229. >"(Yes! Enough teasing! Do it already! Stuff me full!)"
  230. >You begin lowering her on your dick, prodding that entrance in the feathers.
  231. >She's completely helpless to do anything whatsoever as you manipulate her like a weird fleshlight.
  232. >The tip of your dick slides into the feathers, and you feel your tip poke a tiny slit.
  233. >You start applying force, slowly but steadily.
  234. >This still feels wrong, like you're going to mutilate her.
  235. >Philomena coos approvingly, though, reaching out with her beak to nuzzle your hands.
  236. >Alright then.
  237. >The last of your misgivings fade away as you really tense your muscles, squeezing her hard to keep a grip on her smooth feathers, and to keep pressing her onto your dick.
  238. >Ever so slowly, you feel yourself slide into her.
  239. >It takes a whole minute just to fit the glans, at which point you stop to catch your breath.
  240. >She's amazingly hot inside, ridiculously so.
  241. >At the same time, though, the heat doesn't feel painful.
  242. >You continue on, watching your dick disappear inside the crazy firebird.
  243. >Try as you might, you can't tear your eyes away from the sight. It's hypnotic.
  244. >Philomena gently grabs your ballsack with her claws, cooing and kneading them.
  245. >Fuck, she's *really* into this.
  246. >You continue to push, already halfway in.
  247. >A noticeable bulge has formed in her belly, something that doesn't escape her attention.
  248. >She coos and nuzzles it, giving you the lewd look again.
  249. >"(Yeah, you like that, don't you? Come on, you sexy perv, don't hold back. Ram it all in, make my body shaped like your fat dick!)"
  250. >You grunt and groan at the heat, feeling like you're fucking a furnace.
  251. >You hope you won't get burns from this.
  252. >As you keep pushing, she's forced to let go of your balls, getting pulled down to the very base of your dick.
  253. >You both pant as you try to get used to the sensations.
  254. >She lets out a long, drawn-out caw that sounds like a moan.
  255. "Enjoying yourself?"
  256. >She just nods wordlessly, her body limp and her beak open.
  257. "Well... I'll start moving, then..."
  258. >Lifting her up, you hiss as the pressure and heat leave your dick, making it feel cold due to the sheer difference in temperature.
  259. >Reflexively, you force her back down, your breeding instincts demanding you to shove it back into the warm and hot place until you're finished.
  260. >She caws loudly as she impacts your crotch with a barely-audible smack, her feathers dulling the noise.
  261. >You don't bother talking any more, focusing fully on your task.
  262. >Up and down, you furiously pump the phoenix on your dick as she caws and coos in pleasure.
  263. >The heat is unbelievable, but fortunately, it still doesn't seem to be hurting you.
  264. >Philomena just takes it, unable to do anything but pull her legs in so her claws don't hit your crotch when you slam her down.
  265. >You let out a long groan, both from the immense physical exertion and the pleasure.
  266. >It feels far better that it should be possible.
  267. >You keep stroking yourself with her body for almost a good ten minutes, before a problem becomes apparent.
  268. >You feel like cumming, but you're not able to for some reason.
  269. >That reason becomes obvious after a moment's thought.
  270. >She's so damn tight, her body is squeezing you too hard for the cum to even pass through your dick.
  271. >You grunt angrily as you feel a weird half-orgasm as your dick twitches, but you're unable to finish properly.
  272. >Growling, you start moving her back and forth even faster, slamming her down on your dick with all your strength.
  273. >It looks like you're going to have to loosen her up a little.
  274. >No easy task, seeing as your dick is taking up at least a good third of her entire body right now.
  275. >You keep going, though, subconsciously pouring out all your frustrations on her.
  276. >All the pain in the ass mares, dumb comments and constant magical fondling.
  277. >It's not like the mares didn't do anything for you, but their behavior was such a put-off that you'd have preferred to go celibate rather than let them have their victory.
  278. >Grunting and groaning, you squeeze and batter Philomena, the phoenix looking completely blissed out.
  279. >You're not able to tell whether she came or not, but she certainly looks satisfied.
  280. >It takes another five minutes until you're finally able to finish, whimpering as your backed-up balls desperately empty themselves through your scorched and battered dick.
  281. >Letting go of Philomena, you fall limp on the bed as she splays out her wings across your nether regions and lays her head on your belly, both of you panting heavily.
  282. >Whether it was the time you spent between rubbing one out, being frustrated with the mares, or the sheer amount of time you were forced to edge yourself because of how tight Philomena was, it ends up being the best and hardest orgasm of your entire life.
  283. >You feel your dick tingle as you see stars, feebly raising your hand to run it through the phoenix's feathers.
  284. >She coos quietly, shifting a little.
  285. >It takes you both a few minutes to catch your breaths and come down from your post-orgasm bliss.
  286. >Philomena recovers first, her magical nature likely being a big help there.
  287. >Standing up somewhat upright, she gives her belly a look, your shaft still buried up to the hilt inside her.
  288. >Whistling appreciatively, she tries to brace herself against your thighs and pull herself off, but it's not that easy.
  289. >You reach out, lifting her up and pulling herself off you.
  290. >She trills, walking across your belly towards your chest with a noticeable wobble in her steps.
  291. >Flopping down, she spreads her fiery wings across your body, laying her head against your neck and splaying herself out on your chest.
  292. >You run your hands across her body, wondering about all the life choices that led you to this point.
  293. >In bed, a phoenix that you just fucked silly lying on your chest, dripping cum onto you.
  294. >Yeah, okay.
  295. >You're really not sure how to feel about this. Society and life hardly prepared you for getting tossed into another world, let alone this.
  296. >Shrugging, you focus on other things.
  297. >Should clean up, probably.
  298. >Gently scooping up Philomena, you stagger back to the bath.
  299. >She makes some indistinct noises as she nuzzles against you.
  300. >You run some water and gently deposit her in it, running your fingers through her feathers.
  301. >She stands up after a few moments, though, tapping your hands with her beak and getting to cleaning herself.
  302. >You nod, focusing on your own mess.
  303. >It doesn't take long, seeing as you cleaned up already before.
  304. >Drying off, you pick up your... Lover again, wordlessly going to bed.
  305. >Neither one of you says anything as you tiredly climb into bed.
  306. >Philomena curls up on an extra pillow, cooing quietly to you.
  307. "Good night to you too."
  308. >The next morning, you wake up to happy trilling.
  309. >You watch Philomena preen, considering the strange bird.
  310. >The way you treated her should have left her with half her bones and organs pulverized.
  311. >Yet, she looks completely fine now.
  312. >Better than fine, even. Happy. Satisfied.
  313. >Phoenixes must have insane regenerative powers.
  314. >She hops on to the windowsill, tapping at the glass and looking at you.
  315. "Oh, you want to go out? Sure, just a moment."
  316. >Getting out, you open the window.
  317. >She hops out, flying around the area in circles and singing some kind of birdsong. It's pretty lovely. You wonder what it means. Some kind of greeting of the dawn?
  318. >"(I just had sex! And it felt so good! I just had sex, and I'll never go back to the not having sex ways of the past! Whoa-o!)"
  319. >After a short while, she comes back, landing on your bare shoulder and rubbing your face with her beak.
  320. "Right... I'm guessing this is a thing now."
  321. >She nods, still nuzzling against you.
  322. "Well alright then."
  323. >You go to get dressed and start the new day.
  324. >It's a lot like the previous one, except with the addition of Philomena from the very beginning.
  325. >You try to explore your surroundings, mares try to get at your dick, and Philomena chases them away while the guards watch with amusement.
  326. >However, your little nocturnal escapade doesn't really remain a secret.
  327. >Whether some pony understood what Philomena kept cawing at them, some maid or guard heard you fuck her brains out, or even something else like someone having spied on you, rumors begin to fly that you're Philomena's mate for real.
  328. >Later in the day, there's significantly less mares hitting on you, and a whole lot more quiet whispering, glances at your crotch, and the bird proudly sitting on your shoulder.
  329. >You just walk around with the most neutral expression that you can muster.
  330. >At least the whispering doesn't seem disgusted or angry.
  331. >More like jealous.
  332. >You wonder how many details could they really know while Philomena caws at another noblemare that tries to hit on you.
  333. >They couldn't know for sure, right?
  334. >"(Guess what? This guy fucked me raw last night. He slid me onto his FAT DICK like I was a sex toy and it was HOT AS FUCK. You have no idea how much cum he pumped into me, he's a total freak for phoenix slit. Look at him, he's not denying any of this.)"
  335. >Not like it matters, you suppose. Rumors work like that, they're mostly made up anyway, even if they don't know any of the details.
  336. >The mare keeps blushing more and more with every caw from Philomena, her face turning almost as red as the phoenix's feathers.
  337. >With a quick "Excuse me", she swiftly trots away.
  338. >"(That's right, he's mine and mine alone. Get lost.)"
  339. >Philomena crows triumphantly as she adds another mare to her list of victories, possessively hugging your back and neck with her wings.
  340. >Well, whatever.
  341. >You walk around some more, going back to your room to eat.
  342. >By the evening, a maid shows up, ushering you somewhere.
  343. >"I think Princess Celestia might have the time to see you, sir, but only if you hurry..."
  344. "Alright, I'm going. Lead the way."
  345. >You hope fucking the royal pet won't get you executed.
  346. >You're led to a random corridor, the maid likely trying to catch Celestia as she's walking from one appointment to another.
  347. >You see her approach, a few servants in tow.
  348. >Damn.
  349. >Ponies already screamed "alien" at you, what with their magic and all, but this one is outright otherwordly.
  350. >Her mane flows like the aurora, demonstrating to everyone and anyone that things like the laws of physics mean jack all to her.
  351. >Once she sees you, she slows down a little, scanning you.
  352. >Recognition lights up in her eyes, along with something else.
  353. >Amusement.
  354. >She glances at Philomena, who replies by puffing up and cooing proudly.
  355. >Celestia opens her mouth to say something, only to cough and wheeze.
  356. >She covers her mouth with a hoof, shaking violently.
  357. >You're ninety-nine percent certain she's holding in laughter, not actually ill.
  358. >The servants aren't too sure what to do, waiting quietly.
  359. >Eventually, she shakes her head, muttering something quietly before trotting off.
  360. >With her long legs, she's gone before you can blink.
  361. >"Um... It appears she doesn't have the time, sir. Perhaps tomorrow."
  362. >You shrug,
  363. "Alright then."
  364. >The same thing repeats several times.
  365. >You're pretty sure Celestia wants to tell you something.
  366. >Probably that you're allowed to stay, or something to that effect.
  367. >Every time she sees you, though, she can barely hold back her laughter at the fact you shacked up with her phoenix.
  368. >Or maybe that her phoenix claimed you before any of the self-important noblemares could. And you went along with it. That must have been a planet-sized blow to their egos.
  369. >You ponder the situation as you walk the palace halls.
  370. >It really doesn't look like the fact you're fucking something that's called a "pet" lowered your social standing.
  371. >Increased it, even.
  372. >Maybe it's different here. Or maybe Philomena is actually so old that she's older than most of the noblemare's family trees. That could actually be a real thing. Hell, that probably is a real thing. You doubt Celestia would have short-lived pets, given that you heard she's either immortal or forever young as well.
  373. >You're pretty sure Celestia will figure out that she has servants one of these days, and relay whatever judgement she has for you through them.
  374. >Or write a letter, or something.
  375. >Until then, you stay at the palace, amusing the servants and guards as well as the Princess. Especially the Princess.
  376. >And every single night, you fuck Philomena raw, plowing her until you can't see straight.
  377. >While the servants aren't too sure about you at first, they seem to warm up to you really quickly.
  378. >Despite still shooting jealous looks towards your companion, they're really happy to have you around.
  379. >As you find out later, it's because Philomena is an absolute terror and a prankster, and you fucking her silly and then spending your days with her pretty much stopped her shenanigans altogether.
  380. >All the annoying, bitchy nobles that Philomena chases out is the cherry on the cake.
  381. >Some of them start referring to you as "Royal Pet Caretaker".
  382. >You're not sure if Celestia managed to give you a job inbetween her giggle fits, or if that's just a title the servants thought up.
  383. >Either way, as you sit in the sun and pet your lover, you think of all the other things that might have happened.
  384. >All the other nightmarish dimensions you might have ended up in.
  385. >Yeah, this isn't too bad.
  386.  
  387. >Eventually, Celestia manages to find the time for a proper audience.
  388. >And to contain her giggles, of course.
  389. >You are led to a large veranda on the side of the palace, the Sun shining almost blindingly brightly outside while the roof provides comfortable shade.
  390. >Philomena sits on your shoulder, of course, looking more smug than you'd think a bird, magical or not, could possibly look.
  391. >Hell, more smug than *anything* could possibly look.
  392. >Why would that be? You're going to meet Celestia, her owner.
  393. >Then again, given how all the other noblemares acted, and given that Celestia is the biggest noble of them all...
  394. >Did she want to fuck you too? And is Philomena smug because of that?
  395. >Crap, you really hope she's not like that. She seemed pretty chill, from what little you saw so far.
  396. >The princess is comfortably laying down by a low table, a bunch of little snacks and a teapot on it.
  397. >Instead of chairs, there's a bunch of large pillows,
  398. >Once she sees you get close, she nods to the guards escorting you.
  399. >"Ah, good. You may go."
  400. >"Yes, Your Highness."
  401. >With a bow, they retreat.
  402. >Doing your best to contain your nerves, you take your seat.
  403. >You wonder briefly whether it was some kind of insult to sit down before you were invited, but you quash that thought without much effort.
  404. >After all the weirdness, fucking a phoenix included, you find yourself less and less bothered about potentially making a fool out of yourself.
  405. >"So. Anonymous of Earth, am I correct?"
  406. >Her voice is calm and smooth, and so is her expression, the alicorn pouring you a cup of tea with her magic.
  407. "Yes, Your Highness."
  408. >"Mm, titles. Curious thing, that. Since you're technically not my subject, I'm not really "your" highness, am I? Would you object to calling me Celestia?"
  409. "...I wouldn't, but I was under the impression that I was in Canterlot specifically in regards to my... Citizenship?"
  410. >"Indeed you were. An Outsider is not something you see every day, as I'm sure you know, and, supposedly harmless as you were, I still wanted to make sure."
  411. >You shrug.
  412. "Not exactly. Back on my world, we never had anything like inter-dimensional aliens at all. My world has no magic, so no magical shenanigans to speak of."
  413. >She hums thoughtfully, taking a sip of tea. You follow suit, eyeing the little teacakes and stuff.
  414. >"Indeed, by all accounts, you were remarkably mundane for an Outsider. Not even an unusual sort of magic in your possession. One would expect your visit to pass by unremarkably as well, but you still managed to make some waves, hm?"
  415. >She eyes Philomena as she says it, unable to contain a small giggle as the firebird puffs up, looking even MORE smug somehow.
  416. "...Yeah, I got nothing."
  417. >She giggles again.
  418. >"My goodness, did Philomena's courting floor you so hard that you're still unable to collect yourself? She wasn't really some Casanova last I checked."
  419. >Philomena chirps disdainfully at that, raising her beak in the air snootily like some noblemare.
  420. "Eh... The whole "dumped in another dimension" did. Philomena was just the final straw, so to speak."
  421. >"Oh dear. I hope you're not carrying on this relationship out of... Desperation? Lack of sanity?"
  422. "...Not really, I think. I do like her. She's great, but... Well, I'd really like to understand what she's saying, but I'm guessing that's something to do with magic."
  423. >She nods.
  424. >"I'm afraid so. Lacking magical ability, you might learn her cues and some bits of speech by memorizing them, but direct communication is probably not possible."
  425. "I can still ask you questions about her, though, can't I?"
  426. >"Oh my, of course! Anything."
  427. >Philomena seems to become a tiny bit nervous at that.
  428. "Alright, well, what's with her attraction to me? I mean, uh... Including the physical. I'd never even have considered... But she just... Went straight for... Yeah."
  429. >You cough awkwardly and take a sip of tea as both Philomena and Celestia giggle.
  430. >"<Hey, if you're surrounded by nothing but ponies for centuries...>"
  431. >"Hmm, indeed. As Philomena just said, she has spent many, many years with ponies. I suppose, over time, her tastes have shifted and widened to adapt to her current situation. A not uncommon phenomenon among creatures of all kinds of species."
  432. >"<Yeah, and I happened to saw some things when flying around. Naked stallions. Ponies going at it. Eventually, I couldn't help but wonder how'd something like that feel inside me. Got me all hot and bothered, to my surprise.>"
  433. "I'll take your word for it, given that we're the only sapient beings on our world. Which kind of ties into my next question."
  434. >"Sapience?"
  435. "Yes. I noticed that animals in this dimension all seem to be at... Well, maybe not equal, but almost equal mental level ponies seem to be. Which is just all kinds of weird. Which just makes me question what's the difference between "animal" and "person" considered here."
  436. >"Ahh. I see. That's a tricky one."
  437. "Take your time. It's something that's immediately obvious, but when you actually try to put it into words and explain it to an outsider, it's suddenly not so easy any more, is it?"
  438. >"Indeed! You're a clever stallion, aren't you? Hmm... Well... Honestly, it varies a lot. The easiest way to put it would be civilization. Animals don't build things - save for nests and such, of course - but at the same time, that does not exclude them from being, as you said, of nearly equal mental capacity. However, it varies from individual to individual and species. Some species are dumb as rocks, while others are considered far more intelligent."
  439. >You nod.
  440. "A lot like how it was back home. There were some very smart birds. Parrots, ravens and the like, but that still wasn't nearly at the level creatures are here at. If I'd grabbed a raven, I'm pretty sure most of them would still struggle in a panic until they died, as most animals do."
  441. >Celestia blinks in surprise as Philomena chirps in disdain.
  442. >"My word. They're so senseless? All of them?"
  443. >You shrug.
  444. "Most of them, yes. Dumb as bricks, compared to animals here."
  445. >"Ah. I see. Let me guess: with such a vast gulf in the capacity for reasoning, relationships like the one with Philomena were looked down upon back in your world?"
  446. "Pretty much. They're considered... Highly depraved by pretty much every civilized society, and are illegal in many of them. I was honestly flabbergasted when everyone found out, and didn't even bat an eye at it. Heck, they were much more concerned with feeling jealous for Philomena rather than the fact I was railing someone that's a... Well, a pet."
  447. >Grimacing, you take a teacake while Celestia giggles, Philomena chirping proudly.
  448. >"<Buck yeah, take that, losers! Who's got the brightest plumage and landed herself the biggest cock - in every sense of the word?>"
  449. >Celestia lets out an un-princess like horsey snort as she eyes the bird.
  450. >"Language, Philomena."
  451. >Still chirp-laughing, the firebird flaps her wings and lands on Celestia's back, instead.
  452. >"Anyway, like I said, it's a... Highly individualistic thing. No small amount of ponies do indeed consider such relationships odd and at least somewhat depraved, especially if one party is just... Taking advantage of someone lesser than them. The thing with Philomena is, she's quite well-known in Canterlot by now. Both for her intelligence and personality."
  453. "That's another question. We had fairytales about phoenixes and the like. Does she really have all their mythical powers? She's immortal and can't be killed?"
  454. >Celestia hums.
  455. >"She can be killed, but unless she dies in some specific ways, she is capable of endless rebirth, yes. But not immortal."
  456. "That's still nuts. Makes you wonder how is it that the entire world is not covered by phoenixes."
  457. >"They do have predators, I'm afraid. If a phoenix is swallowed by a creature with more powerful internal flames, such as, say, a dragon..."
  458. >Philomena huffs angrily.
  459. "Ah. That explains why she'd go off to live here, away from her natural habitat. At least, I'm assuming this isn't her natural habitat."
  460. >"Indeed not. She manages to get by with the occasional dietary supplement, though."
  461. >As Celestia explains it, she levitates a few black nuggets from a box that was hidden under the table towards Philomena.
  462. >It almost looks like coal.
  463. >Wait, that's probably exactly what it is.
  464. >Philomena happily gobbles them up.
  465. >Next is a yellow-ish nugget. Sulfur?
  466. >She eats it up as well, her feathers rippling magically as if they were on fire.
  467. >Weird, but in comparison to everything else that you saw? 2/10, at most.
  468. "So, to clarify fully and completely... My relationship with her is not... Wrong?"
  469. >Celestia smiles.
  470. >"I wouldn't say so, though I'm not going pretend that it didn't take me by surprise. My goodness, the looks on the faces of the noblemares..."
  471. >You can't help but smile as well.
  472. "Priceless."
  473. >"Indeed."
  474. >All three of you spend a couple minutes chuckling.
  475. >Celestia manages to calm down first, her voice becoming more serious.
  476. >"Still, if it was a spur-of-the-moment thing... It would probably be a good idea to decide just how serious you're considering this relationship to be. If it's just a roll in the hay, it'd be best to break this off now, after both of you had some fun and blew off some steam."
  477. >Philomena turns her head towards you, giving you a piercing look.
  478. >You purse your lips as you dig through your emotions.
  479. "Well, ah... Hm. I... I honestly like her... I think."
  480. >Philomena chirps, flying over to you and landing on your shoulder again, rubbing her face against yours.
  481. >"<That's my mate.>"
  482. >Celestia smiles.
  483. >"That is good to hear."
  484. "And does she... Like me?"
  485. >Celestia raises an eyebrow as she looks at the firebird.
  486. >"<Hey, what's with the question? I ride your fat dick every night while you stuff me to near bursting, and you still need to ask me that?>"
  487. >"Hmmm... Well, she certainly enjoys your... Sexual prowess."
  488. >You frown a little.
  489. "Ah."
  490. >Philomena begins chirping in a panic, hugging you with her wings.
  491. >"<Whoa hey whoa hey whoa hey whoa hey! Watch what you're saying, sunbutt, or I'll set your bed on fire! He's mine, and I'm not leaving him until he's ash!>"
  492. >Celestia chuckles, taking a sip of tea.
  493. >"Well, phoenixes have different ways of expressing love, but she says that she doesn't want to leave you until your dying days."
  494. >You stop briefly, your teacup hovering halfway between the table and your mouth.
  495. >It takes a few moments for your brain to catch up as Celestia looks at you with mild concern.
  496. >You slowly raise your other hand, petting Philomena and rubbing your nose against her beak.
  497. "That... Is sweet. No one ever told me that before."
  498. >Your heart beats a little faster. And here you thought that thing was shriveled up and dead.
  499. >Celestia seems a little sad.
  500. >"Oh, you poor dear. No human mares ever offered to herd with you at all? You seem like a well-mannered and upstanding stallion."
  501. >You laugh and shake your head.
  502. "We don't do herding back home, but no. Men are a bit more... Abundant than stallions here. Lots more abundant, so I was nothing special."
  503. >"Well, you're most certainly very, very special now."
  504. "Right... The whole attention from the nobles thing... Only one of my kind... And an "Outsider", as you called me?"
  505. >"Indeed. You could probably form a very large herd with a number of wealthy and powerful mares."
  506. >You grimace in disgust at the thought.
  507. "Eugh. I'll stick with Philomena, thank you very much."
  508. >"<Oh yeah, who's the best! Take me right now, on this table!>"
  509. >You can only assume that Philomena's saying something uncouth, judging by the look Celestia is giving her.
  510. >"No, Philomena. Bad phoenix."
  511. >"<Let me smash!>"
  512. >"Not in public."
  513. "I guess this is the animal part of her behavior?"
  514. >"Your guess is correct, yes. Smart as they are, even the smartest animals are still... Animalistic from time to time."
  515. >Philomena jumps down on the table, picking up a blueberry-topped tart and offering it to you.
  516. >"<I got you blue. Bastards love blue.>"
  517. >You glance at her beak, a brief thought about hygiene flitting through your mind, before you remember all the other things you did with her. Allllll the other things.
  518. >You take the tart, biting into it as Philomena looks proud, while Celestia shakes her head with a smile.
  519. >"So, do you have any other things you'd like me to translate while we're here?"
  520. "Some. I'm, ah... We're... Hrm."
  521. >You falter as you search for the words, Celestia giggling.
  522. >"Go ahead. I am millennia old, dear. You're not likely to fluster me with anything you might say."
  523. "Well, shocking as it is, our relationship is... Impressively healthy in the physical relations part..."
  524. >Celestia nods, suppressing her grin.
  525. >"Yes, Philomena has informed me. In truly exquisite detail. Truly."
  526. >You glare at said bird, Philomena whistling innocently.
  527. "Well, I'm still wondering about the compatibility. Surely it must hurt her, right? We're just so different..."
  528. >"Oh, no. Philomena assures me that it's quite a thrilling experience for her."
  529. >"<It's amazing how much you land creatures can communicate with just your dicks. When he throbs inside me as I caress those balls of his... Mare, you have no idea.>"
  530. "Do phoenixes just don't feel pain?"
  531. >"They do, but they can take a lot of punishment, and, with their special abilities, they... Well, Philomena, at least, has some rather differing attitudes towards things."
  532. >You raise your eyebrows.
  533. "Yeah? Like what?"
  534. >Philomena begins chirping into your ear. You're assuming that she's trying to be seductive.
  535. >"<I still hope you actually rut me to death with that monster dick of yours someday.>"
  536. >You look towards Celestia, who's looking a bit uncomfortable.
  537. >For the first time, she loses control of the conversation, using overly formal words to describe what Philomena said.
  538. >"She, ah... Has expressed a hope to... Be ended by your impressively-sized stallionhood some day."
  539. "...She wants me to fuck her to death?"
  540. >"In laymare's terms, yes."
  541. >You raise your hands towards your head as you facepalm and rub your face.
  542. >Celestia tsks, looking at Philomena.
  543. >"See? What did I tell you about manners? You don't just tell stallions such things to their faces, silly bird. They're delicate creatures."
  544.  
  545. >You sigh as you recompose yourself, Philomena looking at least somewhat embarrassed.
  546. "It wouldn't actually hurt her, I'm assuming?"
  547. >"Oh, no. She'd be fine moments later. Still, there is a limit to how often she can get reborn. It is an intense process powered by magic, and creatures do run out of magic if they use it extensively. Usually, that'd just mean a period of forced rest, but in her case..."
  548. >You nod at the implications.
  549. "Right. Permanent death. Got it."
  550. >"Correct. And, for what it's worth, she does not specifically seek to die. Rather, hm..."
  551. "She thinks that having sex so wild it'd literally kill her would give her mad bragging rights?"
  552. >Celestia smiles at your understanding.
  553. >"Yes! Something like that."
  554. "Ha. Back home, a potential murder case like that would crop up now and then in the news. Someone would die, with the other person insisting that it was entirely consensual, and an accident from some overly dangerous stuff in the bedroom that the other person insisted on. I can't begin to imagine the social stigma someone would have with a reputation like that. Quite different when your partner can just come back from the dead, though..."
  555. >"Mm, yes. Do remember my warning, though."
  556. "I will. I'm certainly not going to start killing or hurting her on purpose for some sick amusement."
  557. >She smiles in approval.
  558. >"That's wonderful to hear. Do you wish to know anything else about her?"
  559. >You shrug.
  560. "Nothing else comes to mind right now."
  561. >"Very well. In that case, we should probably discuss your future in Equestria, and your employment."
  562. "Oh... Right. Some of the staff have been calling me the "Royal pet caretaker". What's that about? Did you give me a job without me knowing about it?"
  563. >"Not quite. They started that first, but once I heard about it, I found the idea quite to my liking."
  564. "But... I'm not taking care of Philomena. I don't know the first thing about her special dietary needs, or anything of the sort."
  565. >Celestia smiles and shakes her head.
  566. >"Oh, but you're taking very good care of her other needs! And, honestly, the poor dear probably needed it quite badly, after centuries of being alone in regards to intimate companionship."
  567. "...Ah."
  568. >"But don't think that I'm offering you a position to just be a comfort stallion for my pet! You can learn more about her. I'm certain she's going to be spending far more time with you than me. And, you doubtless have interesting knowledge that lots of ponies would love to pick your brain for - figuratively, of course. And it's probably best if they do it here, with you as a resident of the palace, rather than sending you out into the world and releasing you upon a ravenous horde of scientists."
  569. >You nod as you thoughtfully gaze outside.
  570. "Yeah, okay. That scenario probably wouldn't end well for me."
  571. >"Quite. I'm certain the excitement will die down eventually, but for now, I'd still recommend to take some guards with you if you go out into the city."
  572. "Noted. So it will be an official position?"
  573. >"Correct. With pay, lodgings, and everything else, though you'd have to downgrade your living quarters a bit."
  574. >You wave it off.
  575. "That's plenty fine, it was obscenely opulent anyway. You could have put twenty people in that place, and there'd still be space for more."
  576. >"I am very happy to see you being so reasonable about this. If that is all, then I believe this conversation is concluded. Kindly follow the guards to the administrative wing, where they will deal with your paperwork."
  577. >As if materializing from the ether (which is not an impossibility around here), a pair of guardsmares appear nearby, bowing to Celestia.
  578. "Thank you very much for everything... Celestia."
  579. >She beams as you remember her request to forgo her title. You swear that the Sun outside gets brighter for a moment.
  580. >"Don't mention it. This is not a charity hoof-out. I am certain you're going to provide everyone with many hours of stimulating conversations about your world, as well as take good care of Philomena."
  581. >With a nod, you rise, and follow the guardsmares.
  582. >Philomena remains silent the entire time as she sits on your shoulder, probably still embarrassed by her little outburst of too much information.
  583. >You're led towards some offices deeper inside, a bored mare perking up a little as she looks you up and down.
  584. >Mostly down. Lingering on your legs.
  585. >"Ah, yes, I know why you're here. Formalization of your employment in the palace, yes?"
  586. "Pretty much yeah."
  587. >"Well, let me just pull up the forms... Bit of a new position, hm... Ah, here we are."
  588. >She presents you with a contract, which you take your time to read and scrutinize.
  589. >Don't want to find out that this all has been a ruse and you're selling your soul to some demon that's pretending to be a cute pony, or something like that.
  590. >Seems fairly normal, though. You have no idea if the pay is fair or not, but Celestia doesn't seem like the kind of mare that would scam you.
  591. >You certainly hope she isn't, anyway. And you're able to quit with a month's notice instead of being locked in for years or somesuch, so it looks quite fair.
  592. "Well. Here goes..."
  593. >Putting your signature on it, you take a moment to ponder the deeper meaning behind the moment.
  594. >You just landed a job. The ponies probably wouldn't have let you starve to death anyway, but it's still a pretty big step towards having some sort of stability in all the insanity you found yourself in.
  595. >The secretary glances at your signature for a moment before nodding, filing the contract away.
  596. >"That would be all, then. You will be provided quarters, in... One moment..."
  597. >Another bit of shuffling later, she pulls out a small map of a section of the palace, showing a specific room to the guards, who nod.
  598. >Some more walking, and you're in your new lodgings.
  599. >They're not the swanky-as-all-hell luxury suite you've been in before, but it's still the palace. All marble and stuff, with a bed that's been seemingly made bigger for you.
  600. >You guess Celestia foresaw that you were going to accept. Not like you had much choice.
  601. >Philomena flies around a bit, chirping with some disappointment.
  602. >"<The previous nest was better. A bit big, sure, but you're pretty big yourself.>"
  603. "If you're complaining about the room size, then shush, you. And don't think I forgot about your weird kinks. I didn't even think birds could have fetishes."
  604. >She blushes, her face lighting up with magic as she hides her head under a wing.
  605. "Heh. Goddamn you're adorable, though."
  606. >She coos something, barely audibly.
  607. "Anyway, if I'm going to be living in this maze, I should probably start learning the layout... Sometime. Polite as Celestia was, though, that conversation drained me."
  608. >You sigh as you drag a palm across your face, sitting down on the bed.
  609. >Seeing this, Philomena chirps again, flying over and landing on your shoulder, rubbing your face with her beak.
  610. >"<Stressed, are you? I know a way to relax...>"
  611. >By this time, you're fairly good at recognizing when the bird is giving you "fuck me" eyes, given how damn often she does it.
  612. >You burst out laughing, shaking your head.
  613. "You damn horndog."
  614. >She doesn't exactly deny it, rubbing herself all over you and chirping some more.
  615. >"<Don't pretend you don't want these feathers.>"
  616. "Yeah, okay. You want to get stuffed? You like it rough? Let's stuff the bird, then."
  617. >Casually grabbing Philomena with one hand, you effortlessly swing her around as she squawks in surprise and excitement.
  618. >Laying her on her back on the bed, you take your clothes off, your shaft already growing.
  619. >Before long, you're ramming your dick inside her, her magical regenerative powers making it so she's still almost as maddeningly tight as the first time you did it.
  620. >It still takes no small amount of effort, holding her lithe body down with both hands and pressing her against the bed so she doesn't slide away from the force.
  621. >It's totally worth it, though, as you feel the ticklish sensation of her feathers on your balls and the furnace of her insides on your shaft, Philomena's face going blank as you hilt inside her.
  622. "Let's see just how senseless I can fuck you this time..."
  623.  
  624. ---------
  625.  
  626. >Once you're done fucking the Phoenix into unconsciousness, you examine the bathroom and clean both of you up, gently depositing the snoozing and badly ruffled phoenix on a pillow.
  627. >Again, not as fancy as before, but plenty nice.
  628. >You heard how some nobles would have lavish mansions and stick their servants into absolute matchbox-sized shitholes, but Celestia seems to be better than that.
  629. >It's only after your escapades are done for the moment that the thought of discretion catches up to you.
  630. >The servant's quarters are closer together, and if there's other ponies around, they more than likely heard you fucking Philomena's brains out.
  631. >You don't really make much noise, but Philomena doesn't exactly try to keep silent.
  632. >Oops.
  633. >Even though the secret is out now, there's still the manner of basic politeness. You should probably try to keep things a bit more quiet next time.
  634. >Your suspicions are confirmed when you go outside your room and see several mares trotting by in both directions, their muzzles scrunched up and their ears folded, doggedly pretending that they didn't hear you do what you did just then.
  635. >"H-hello, sir," One of them mutters as she passes by.
  636. "Hey there. Could I get some directions?"
  637. >"Oh, uh, directions to where, sir?"
  638. "Well, where do I eat, for one? I'm no longer a guest, but an employee here, so I imagine I don't exactly get fancy room service any more. Also, where should I not go? I don't want to bumble around some secret restricted areas or somesuch."
  639. >"Oh, that's easy. The servant's mess hall is that way. Come on."
  640. >She keeps glancing at you as you walk, eventually clearing her throat.
  641. >"So, where's your... Companion, sir? She's usually glued to your shoulder."
  642. "Oh, I left her back in my quarters. She felt like taking a nap."
  643. >The reasons as to why are all too clear for the mare.
  644. >"...I see."
  645. >As usual, there's a touch of jealousy in her voice, as well as an appreciative glance towards your crotch.
  646. >"And how... Pony-like is your relationship, sir?"
  647. >You mull on it for a moment before shrugging.
  648. "I have no idea what you mean by that question."
  649. >Ah, well, is Philomena open to... Herding?"
  650. >Aha. There we go.
  651. "Honestly, I have no idea. But she's been pretty aggressive in chasing off all the mares that tried to hit on me, so I'd say the odds are low."
  652. >"I see. Oh well. Would be damn weird to have a bird as the lead mare anyway," She mutters.
  653. >Soon enough, you arrive at the large mess hall, a small number of ponies already there.
  654. >"Now, sir, while our gracious Princess provides as much food as we can eat, we don't exactly get custom-order dishes whenever we want, so you'll need to arrive on time if you want hot food, or sate yourself with the array of vegetables, bread, and other cold dishes. You are also free to cook your own food when the cooks aren't busy, if you prefer."
  655. >You nod gratefully, absent-mindedly scratching the mare behind the ears as she freezes.
  656. "That sounds great. Thank you. Uh, sorry."
  657. >You remove your hand, though the mare doesn't seem to mind what just happened all that much.
  658. >"Oh no, no apologies are needed. In fact, if you want to continue..."
  659. >You chuckle.
  660. "Maybe later. I had a nice tea break with Celestia, but I do feel like some real food now."
  661. >Fortunately, you arrived right before the cooks were about to make lunch, so it doesn't take long for the food to be ready.
  662. >Grabbing some food and sitting down, you eat up while the mares shoot you lusty looks and whisper among themselves.
  663. >Should you herd? Would that make you appear more normal and acceptable in their society?
  664. >Is it even worth bothering with that, given how abnormal you already are?
  665. >Eh. You'll figure it out later.
  666. >Once you're done, you thank the mare that led you there before going back to your room.
  667.  
  668. >The next week is spent learning about Philomena.
  669. >Celestia sends a few books over your way, most of the information there coming from herself and the phoenix in question.
  670. >Not many ponies really keep them as pets, apparently.
  671. >She also sends you a couple boxes of stuff like coal nuggets and the like, once you're done reading.
  672. >You spend most of your time reading or taking care of Philomena (most of which still consists of fucking her senseless), though you also tentatively try to become at least somewhat familiar with your neighbors - as in, the mares living in the neighboring rooms.
  673. >There's a few stallions among the servants, but it's mostly mares.
  674. >Which, obviously, makes you a target for single mares, though Philomena and your Outsider status makes most of them too uncertain to really try anything.
  675. >Which is fine, though you don't really mind them.
  676. >Compared to the noblemares, they're great. As in, they're interested in actually getting to know you first instead of using you for prestige.
  677. >Either way, though, spending so much time inside becomes a little stifling, and you feel like going out once you're done with the books.
  678. >You track down some guardsmares and ask some questions, eventually getting directed to some military higher up.
  679. >You don't really want to waste the guard's time, though it turns out that it's actually the opposite of what you thought things would be like.
  680. >Once you ask the mare about escorts for going out into the city, she waves it off.
  681. >"It's not a problem. In fact, it's good. Going out and getting some work in your muscles is way better than standing still and staring at a wall all day long, I'll tell you that. If you want, I could easily assign a whole dozen guardsmares to you. Good for practicing being aware in actual, real situations instead of just the empty palace hallways, too."
  682. "Well, a dozen is a bit much, I guess, but I suppose I could take four or six if it's that good for you?"
  683. >"Sure is. Let me find some rookies that could use some practice..."
  684. >A bit of shuffling of documents later, you have a bunch of mares assigned to watch your ass. Figuratively.
  685. >The next day, you stand in front of the gate, taking a deep breath.
  686. >The first time you're going to leave the palace in weeks.
  687. >One of the mares gets confused by your behavior.
  688. >"Are you really that scared, sir? Were you attacked the last time you were out?"
  689. "Heh. Not really, though no small amount of mares tried to molest me. You'll protect me from that, won't you?"
  690. >She stiffens up.
  691. >"Of course, sir."
  692. >Philomena chirps, likely saying something like "I'll protect you too, you know."
  693. >You stroke her back, not really saying anything as you step through the gate.
  694. >Here goes.
  695. >This time, there's no mares jumping you outright, which is nice.
  696. >You actually have a pleasant time, walking wherever your fancy takes, you, making random turns and following whatever curious signs and sights entice you.
  697. >Seeing a cafe, you slow down, tapping your chin thoughtfully.
  698. >You can get all the food you want in the palace, but it's not just the sustenance aspect.
  699. >Sometimes, it's just nice to sit down and slowly sip on something while watching the world go by.
  700. >Your escort of a bunch of guardsmares is a bit of an issue, but there's enough empty seats for everyone.
  701. >You don't want to be an ass and take up seven seats, after all.
  702. >You nod to the guards as you go inside.
  703. "I'd offer to buy you girls something, but I don't have all that many bits yet."
  704. >They chuckle, smiling faintly.
  705. >"I assure you, sir, we can afford to buy coffee and donuts without having to rely on charity from a stallion."
  706. "Fair enough. I feel like sitting down for a while, so feel free to get something bigger if you feel like it."
  707. >Most of them end up getting things like brownies or donuts or muffins and the like, while you get a hot cocoa and a brownie, sitting down on the edge and pony-watching for a while as you sip your drink.
  708. >It goes peacefully for a while, the guards forming a perimeter around you, though it doesn't stop ponies from approaching you from outside the fenced area of the cafe.
  709. >Which is exactly what some some fancy-looking mare eventually does, when you're close to finishing your drink.
  710. >"Well hello there, stud. Such a huge honor guard you're trotting around with. Clearly that must mean that you must have some pretty big... *assets* worth protecting, hm?"
  711. >She purrs as she winks at you.
  712. >You snort as Philomena narrows her eyes. That one was somewhat funny, at least.
  713. >"<He does, and guess where he stuffs those assets every single evening?>"
  714. >The mare looks a bit taken aback when Philomena starts chirping at her.
  715. >"Huh?"
  716. >"<Inside me, that's where. All of it. The entire length. And mare, does he have some length...>"
  717. >You roll your eyes with a grin as Philomena does her thing, slowly flapping her wings and doing some gestures with a leg as the mare stares at her, slackjawed.
  718. >You still wonder what kind of threats Philomena says to the mares to get them to go away, but don't care enough to ask for someone to translate.
  719. >Turning towards one of the observing guards, you clear your throat.
  720. "So could any one of you explain to me how that works, exactly?"
  721. >"<...he's longer than my leg, and when he shoves it in, he makes a huge bulge in my belly and forces my entire body to accomodate his girth...>"
  722. >The lead guard raises an eyebrow.
  723. >"How what works, sir?"
  724. "The whole... Animal speech thing. There was a pony that I met recently after I arrived in this dimension. Her thing was apparently dealing with animals, and speech was part of the package. Special talent, and all that. Regular ponies didn't have that, though. How come most of them seem to understand Philomena?"
  725. >"Ah, I see. Well, sir, the nobility tend to have more money and time than they know what to do with, and they come up with more and more obscure ways to show off against one another. It is a magical talent, but ponies can learn all kinds of strange things, if they really put their minds to it, and I believe talking to animals became the "thing" to be able to do... A decade or so ago? As such, many of the nobles are actually able to understand her."
  726. >You nod.
  727. "I see. That does make sense. Nobles in my world back in the day used to do things like that too ."
  728. >"<...think you could take him? Lure him away from me? Please, just look at him. He's not even paying attention to you. His dick is just for me, and me alone, and he stuffs me silly with his fat dick more often than I can count...>"
  729. >Philomena keeps chirping at the mare, the whole thing sounding just like some complex birdsong to you, though the mare is clearly one of those that learned the whole animal speech thing.
  730. >She keeps stammering, trying to make some kind of rebuttal, but it's pretty clear that Philomena's destroying her.
  731. "So can you understand her?"
  732. >The guardsmare shrugs.
  733. >"Sort of. There's an advantage there. I have the barest beginnings of the skill, so I can kind of just.... Turn it off when I don't want to, and just hear the bird noises."
  734. "Convenient. Can you tell me what she's saying right now?"
  735. >"<...and when he's finally finished throbbing, he just keeps me absolutely impaled on that thing, stroking and cuddling me, but keeping me helplessly immobilized...>"
  736. >The mare cocks her ears for a few moments before folding them, digging into one with a hoof.
  737. >"I... Wouldn't want to offend your sensibilities, sir."
  738. "...Right then."
  739. >You guess Philomena wasn't really saying threats after all.
  740. >The mare is blushing furiously by now, her ears folded in embarrassment.
  741. >Shooting you a final lustful look (and an angry one towards Philomena), she turns tail and runs.
  742. >So much for that, then.
  743. >You finish your drink, nod to the guards, and get up.
  744. >Time to go.
  745.  
  746. -------------
  747.  
  748. >The next couple of weeks go by in a similar way, though without the reading.
  749. >You slowly make some acquaintances with the other staff members.
  750. >Perhaps even friends, though it's still hard to tell with those ponies sometimes.
  751. >Most are mares, so there's still almost always lust towards you involved.
  752. >They're professional enough not to be too forward about it, though.
  753. >Unfortunately, though, you start noticing something weird happening to you.
  754. >Though Philomena's insides are unspeakably hot, somehow, they don't actually burn your dick when you're stuffing her.
  755. >However, you can still *feel* the heat.
  756. >And after a while, a strange issue presents itself.
  757. >Even after you pull out, the heat persists, longer and longer after each session.
  758. >It's not just in your mind, as you notice your urine steaming when you pee afterwards.
  759. >Did you catch some crazy STD from the bird?
  760. >Embarrassing as all hell, but it'd be even more embarrassing if your dick rotted off or burst into flames or something like that if you left it untreated, so you go to seek the palace doctor.
  761. >It doesn't actually hurt, but you'd still rather get this checked out before it progresses into something more serious.
  762. >Fortunately, there's a decently sized infirmary in the palace, both for any injured guards and visiting exotic dignitaries.
  763. >Not that they have prior experience with humans, but it's still better than going to a doctor that only saw ponies their entire life.
  764. >Explaining the situation isn't exactly easy, though.
  765. >You're alone, having asked Philomena to stay behind for this one.
  766. >The mare nods to you.
  767. >"So, what seems to be the problem, sir?"
  768. "Well, ah... Are you aware of my... Relationship status?"
  769. >A ghost of a smirk appears on her professional expression.
  770. >"Royal pet caretaker, yes?"
  771. "Yup. Well, it seems that... I have acquired some kind of... Condition from my encounters with the phoenix."
  772. >She raises her eyebrows.
  773. >"From what you're implying, I'm assuming the condition is related to your genitals?"
  774. >You sigh.
  775. "Yeah. There's an inexplicable... Heat in my... Nethers."
  776. >"Well, burning is the most common symptom in sexually transmitted-"
  777. "No, not burning. Heat. There's no pain whatsoever. It's just that... My, ah, penis, seems to somehow become far hotter than it should be possible. One hundred percent literally."
  778. >You grimace awkwardly as the mare stares at you.
  779. >"Fascinating... I never heard of... Well, sir, may I examine you?"
  780. "Right... Sure."
  781. >Getting naked in front of a mare makes you oddly nervous, though you suppose it really shouldn't.
  782. >The palace staff have been very professional and polite, and the mare doesn't show any signs of jumping you, though she does examine your dick with great, great interest when you take off your pants and underwear.
  783. >"Interesting anatomy... No sheath?"
  784. "No."
  785. >"Hmm. Well, I... One moment."
  786. >She reaches with a hoof for it, before stopping herself and levitating a thermometer towards your dick, pressing it against it and watching the numbers rise, her eyebrows rising higher and higher as well.
  787. >"Thirty... Forty... Fifty... Sixty..."
  788. >She eventually stops counting, staring at it with disbelief.
  789. >"Sir, your blood should be literally boiling at this temperature!"
  790. >You shrug helplessly.
  791. "Yeah... I got nothing."
  792. >"I... Hold on, I need to make sure that this is correct..."
  793. >She digs around for another thermometer, levitating it over.
  794. >It shows the same thing, the temperature dropping ever so slowly as she stares at it with disbelief.
  795. >"And you say that you're not in pain?!"
  796. "Yes."
  797. >"That could be very dangerous, sir. Some people don't feel pain simply because they've been injured too grievously for their pain response to work, or when their bodies are already shutting down."
  798. "I... Well, I this has been going on for a little while now, and everything is still working fine, I assure you."
  799. >"Just as well, sir, I'm afraid that I can't just take your word for it. Hold still, please..."
  800. >She begins running a bunch of diagnostic spells through your dick, the sparkly sensation of the magic making you feel tingly and weird.
  801. >She mutters, distracted, as she levitates a notebook and scribbles something in it, casting spell after spell.
  802. >Eventually, she even nuzzles, it, breathing with fascination, your dick obviously twitching from getting rubbed with her soft nose.
  803. "Um, doctor, what are you...?"
  804. >Physical response seems completely normal, blood vessels expanding- Oh my goodness! I'm so sorry!"
  805. >She catches herself, jumping back and blushing.
  806. >You chuckle.
  807. "It's okay... I think."
  808. >"It's not! I could be fired for this!"
  809. >She's nervous now, biting her hoof.
  810. >These ponies sure are panicky.
  811. >Before it can escalate further, you step off the examination table and reach out with a hand, clamping down on her muzzle.
  812. >"Mmmph?!"
  813. "Shush. Shhh... It's okay."
  814. >With the other hand, you begin scratching her behind the ears, making her eyes go even wider.
  815. "Now, I'm going to let go of your muzzle, and you're going to be calm and professional, okay?"
  816. >"...Mk."
  817. >You let go, the mare taking in a big breath of air, her eyes inadvertently drawn towards your junk, given that you're now standing and it's in front of her face, the mare looking away in embarrassment.
  818. "There we go. No need for panic. Just stay calm."
  819. >"Thank you... Sir."
  820. "Don't mention it. You can look at me now. I'm going to sit down again."
  821. >You let go off her ears, taking your seat again.
  822. >It still takes her a minute to raise her eyes, biting her lip as the gears turn in her head.
  823. "So, do you have any clue about any of this?"
  824. >She purses her lips and sighs, shaking her head.
  825. "I'm not dying, though?"
  826. >"No, sir. Your, ah, lovely and exotic stallionhood seems to be working just fine, without any sort of injuries or infections whatsoever. It's just... Very, very hot. And, I'm not sure if you noticed, but the effect extends towards your testicles and your general crotch area as well."
  827. "Right. It's been getting more and more intense after each time, though I actually think I reached a peak recently."
  828. >She bites her lips as she thinks for a while.
  829. >"I think... A doctor is not what you need. We're going to need an arcanist for this."
  830. "Okay? Whatever works."
  831.  
  832. ------------
  833.  
  834. >It takes a little time to find the right pony, the doctor sending out messengers and stuff, eventually getting a meeting with some mage in the evening of the next day.
  835. >Both you and Philomena are present this time, meeting in the doctor's examination room again.
  836. >The mare is wearing actual wizard robes, giving you a and Philomena a curious, but slightly bored look.
  837. >"Alright, what's the "magical malady" that you asked me to examine? Went shopping in some shops that sell dubious enchantments and got some amateur curse put on you?"
  838. >The doctor shakes her head.
  839. >"Actually, it's something different..."
  840. >Once she's done explaining, the wizard mare doesn't look bored any more, grinning in amusement.
  841. >"This sounds like the intro to some weird porn."
  842. >The doctor frowns.
  843. >"I can assure you that it's not."
  844. >"Well, if it is, I'm totally down for it. Just saying."
  845. >"It's. Not."
  846. >She chuckles.
  847. >"Fine, fine. So, uh... Can I see it? I can scan through cloth, but it's best if there's as little interference as possible."
  848. >You sigh.
  849. "Yeah... Sure."
  850. >She's a lot less professional than the doctor, immediately ooh'ing at your dick and caressing your balls with her magic.
  851. >"Hmmm... Ooooh... Ahhhh..."
  852. >You're honestly not sure if she's doing anything but groping you, trying to think unsexy things as your member slowly gets harder, Philomena squawking angrily.
  853. >"<Keep going and I'll set your robes on fire.>"
  854. >The wizard mare doesn't seem to care, though. Or maybe she simply doesn't understand Philomena.
  855. >"Hmmm... Okay. that has to be... Let's get a comparison just to be sure..."
  856. >She unceremoniously grabs Philomena with her magic aura next, scanning her for a moment before putting her down again.
  857. >"<Hey!>"
  858. >"Well, sir, no doubt about it. Your penis is infused with phoenix magic."
  859. "...How? Actually, no, wait, stupid question. Or maybe it's not. How? Or why? And, what does it do? Am I in danger?"
  860. >She hums thoughtfully for a while as she appreciatively stares at your balls.
  861. >"Well... Clearly, stuffing it inside the phoenix is the "how and why" parts, but still... That just shouldn't happen. Any internal magic that you have should simply repel her magic naturally."
  862. >You shake your head.
  863. "Interdimensional alien from a magicless world. There's no magic where I'm from."
  864. >"Wait, really? Hold still a second..."
  865. >She begins scanning the rest of your body, her expression fascinated.
  866. >"Almost nothing... Though there's a faint field... But so undirected. Less magical than a rock or a blade of grass... You do have some magic, though."
  867. >You scratch your chin.
  868. "Odd. Back when Twilight Sparkle - you might have heard of her, she's apparently famous? - scanned me, she said I didn't have a drop of magic in me."
  869. >The doctor clears her throat.
  870. >"The cells in your body break down and get replaced, sir. As you eat Equestrian food, I'm assuming your body is slowly becoming at least somewhat magical... Though if you don't have any magical storage organs, it's still going to be incredibly faint."
  871. "Ah. So if magic is a bit like a gas, and expands from areas of high pressure into lower ones..."
  872. >The wizard raises her eyebrows.
  873. >"Clever comparison. Yes, your body is absorbing magic from your surroundings, and phoenixes are... QUITE magical, from what I know. Also, rutting is an intense activity, and no system is one hundred percent effective. Some magic leaks out when ponies do things like spells or physical activity, and... Well, I can't even begin to imagine how in the world do you manage to shove that entire thing inside her, but I imagine the experience forces her body's regenerative abilities to kick in."
  874. >Philomena looks smugly at the mare while you nod.
  875. "Which are highly magical in nature."
  876. >"Precisely."
  877. >The doctor shakes her head.
  878. >"Well, as fascinating the discussion is, my question is, is the condition dangerous for my patient?"
  879. >The wizard mare considers it for a minute.
  880. >"It... Doesn't seem to be? It's like his dick is a phoenix. It's hot, but the fire doesn't burn it. And it seems stable, too. There haven't been any transformations, have there?"
  881. >You shake your head
  882. "Nope. Looks the same as always. It's much hotter than Philomena is, though."
  883. >The wizard mare shrugs.
  884. >"It's probably because her body is actually built for handling the fire, and losing too much heat would be detrimental for her. Yours is just... Absorbing it, then radiating it right back out. I can offer some heat-proofing enchantments on your underwear, or something like that, but it doesn't seem like it's something that you should be concerned about. I mean... Unless your member suddenly bursts into flames...But it'd just reform from the ashes like a phoenix, right?"
  885. "..."
  886. >"..."
  887. >"<...>"
  888. >Neither you, Philomena, nor the doctor mare know what to say to that.
  889. >You think of something a moment later, though.
  890. "Transformations? Am I going to turn into a phoenix?"
  891. >The wizard mare shrugs.
  892. >"I'd say no, but you're an Outsider, and I never saw a case like this before. Still, pretty unlikely, unless your entire body gets infused with phoenix magic. Even then... Pretty dang unlikely. More likely, you'd just get an impressive degree of fire resistance until the magic dissipates."
  893. "Well... Alright then... Can you do that enchantment thing, please?"
  894. >"Sure. Take off the clothes you want me to enchant, please."
  895.  
  896. -----------------
  897.  
  898. >And that was that.
  899. >Philomena was concerned for you, even refusing sex for several days afterwards.
  900. >You both observed your dick, occasionally measuring the temperature.
  901. >It really seemed that there were no other side effects, the magic dissipating from your junk over time when you stopped shoving it inside the magical flying furnace.
  902. >Once you more or less confirmed that it was safe, though, you resumed the rutting with a vengeance.
  903. >And the temperature rose once again, though nothing burst into flames, so it was just a mild, weird annoyance.
  904. >Though having a fireproof dick was a source of amusement for you.
  905. >You even tentatively held up a lit candle to it, and you didn't even feel it.
  906. >Then you blew the candle out, and lit it by touching your dick.
  907. >If you ever go camping, you're going to have one fucking weird way to start fires.
  908. >A month or so later, though. you learned that there was one more effect that bathing your genitals in lots and lots of phoenix magic had.
  909. >Philomena had began acting a bit ornery and huffy, which you guessed meant that her cycle was coming to an end.
  910. >Celestia and the books explained it, showing pictures of Philomena shedding her feathers one by one until she lost the final one, bursting into flames and dying.
  911. >You assured her that you were going to love her even when she was old and featherless, which made her blush, but she still kept acting oddly.
  912. >You requested an audience with Celestia, but, to your surprise, even the alicorn was confused, never having seen such behavior from her pet before, Philomena herself shrugging and telling her that she didn't know what was happening.
  913. >The mystery was finally explained a few days later, when you woke up one morning.
  914.  
  915. -----------------
  916.  
  917. >You stretch your limbs out one by one as you wake up.
  918. >Reaching out a hand, you stroke Philomena.
  919. "Hey, hot stuff."
  920. >Getting up early had never been a problem for her before, so you're surprised when she just coos quietly, laying her head back down, curled up tightly on the pillow.
  921. "...Philomena? You okay?"
  922. >Celestia assured you many times that dying really wasn't a problem for her, so you're not overly worried, but her lethargic behavior still doesn't make sense.
  923. >She still has all of her feathers, and she shouldn't be this weak yet.
  924. >But she is.
  925. "Come on, babe, what's wrong? Should I bring you to Celestia?"
  926. >She vehemently shakes her head.
  927. "Then why...?"
  928. >Glancing at the pillow and then at you, she ever so slowly raises her body up, revealing what was hidden underneath.
  929. "...Is that an egg?"

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