[FR] The Teatime Tagteam (WIP)


                                            >Another day, another failure.

                                            >It didn’t exactly bother you– you were well enough into this game by now to know the score– a thousand losses didn’t matter if you could secure even just one win.

                                            >The rest would fall into place from there (so you’d always thought, at least), so there was little need to trot back to the cottage moping.

                                            >You were a mare who’d perfected patience in that regard– but being a good loser by no means meant you were content with the status quo.

                                            >Perhaps that train of thought sent out a distress call imperceptible to mares and man alike.

                                            >”Hmm… you’re cutting awfully close to our teatime, Fluttershy. Do you want me to pop over to the cottage and set things up? I can’t promise I’ll nail the cutlery arrangement– but I’ll have the kettle absolutely singing by the time you step through the door!”

                                            >With little more fanfare than an ambient puff of magic and now curling about your barrel as she otherwise hovered weightlessly– your confidant and partner in tea, Eris, had made her arrival.

                                            >Thankfully Anon lived about as remotely as you, otherwise the draconequus’ quite literal clinginess would’ve been embarrassing.

                                            >Concern took little time working itself across your face,

                                            “O-oh, is it nearly that time already? I did try to, um, r-really sell my case with Anon today– I might’ve gone over my usual schedule…”

                                            >Eris scoffed, shrugging away the unnecessary apology.

                                            >”So I presume he didn’t bite on the spoken oration of why the two of you are ideal together?”

                                            >Eris scoffs.

                                            >”Such a prude. You know, Flutters– I have half a mind to nail my 95 theses on your excellence and his stubbornness right there upon his door! Oh– I did show you those, right? I made revisions!”

                                            >Still snaking her length about your frame, Eris’ crude dissertation titled with glitterglue and crayon scribblings filled your view as your hooves continued on autopilot back toward the cottage.

                                            “Oh– I don’t think I’ve gotten the chance to look over this newest edition; you did count there were actually 95 this time, right? I-I don’t think imaginary numbers should be factored in– otherwise Anon might be reading, um… f-for a long time.”

                                            >Eris scritches her chin at your words, idly nodding– before drawing out a long sigh, her stack of essays abruptly burning to ash on the wind.

                                            >”I knew I’d forgotten something… Anywho– what’s the new gossip!? Did he answer the door nude again!? Oh, your blush that day had you pink all over!”

                                            >... With a similar blush returning to some extent, you regrettably must answer in the negative.

                                            “S-sadly not… He’s started doubling up on underwear since then… I-it makes his bulge look a bit more enticing, which is nice– but ever since he stopped going to Rarity to get new pairs, I can’t rip through even one– let alone two…”

                                            >With the cottage now peaking in the horizon, Eris swaps spots, reclining along your back with her excess length idly hanging off into the air.

                                            >”The cur! Adding more layers now, too!? I was expecting GOOD news. There’s nothing fun in discussing roadblocks!”

                                            >You can’t help but give a little sigh yourself, being reminded of Anon’s many additional layers of defense atop the oh-so impenetrable ‘no, that’s not my fetish.’

                                            >”I’m telling you, Flutters–”

                                            >The draconequus' face curls up and above your head, your noggins coming to touch as she stares little fires into your eyes.

                                            >” –you’ve been playing nice for too long. I mean, this fetish business? SOOO 2013, mare! I enjoy prop comedy as much as the next draconequus, but there’s no merit in the art if one performer isn’t playing by the rules! You can BRING a human to the mare in long socks, but you can’t make him WANT to put a foal in you!”

                                            >... Perhaps noting the confusion on your face, or maybe realizing herself that the comparison wasn’t exactly apt, Eris shakes her head.

                                            >”Cross that one from the theses, I suppose… Regardless! Umm… You can’t make him WANT that– you just need to make him… DO that! Yeah!”

                                            “Mmh, I don’t know… Raping him seemed like the right call in the past– but I’m not so sure Stockholm Syndrome is the best path to his heart these days…”

                                            >Eris sticks out her tongue, now floating impossibly by your side, still reclining with her mismatched hands behind her head.

                                            >”Eugh, gag! This game was more fun when you were flying through his bedroom window at night, ooh– and stealing his dirty laundry! Hah, do you remember that!?”

                                            >The thought stays on your mind more often than you’d care to admit– of course you remember.

                                            >Though Anon has since run his own counter-raids to retrieve such hot commodities, how could you forget that scent…

                                            >In a temporary moment of nostalgia, you can only idly hum and nod.

                                            >Eris sighs.

                                            >”I suppose we’ve both gotten more domesticated since then, hm? How drab… Are we getting old?”

                                            “... I-I’m not sure how old you are to begin with, Eris.”

                                            >Her paw & claws trail down her face, pulling down immediate sagging skin with them.

                                            >”Celestia’s wrinkly teats, that’s a worse answer than I was expecting!”

                                            >Of course, her parts snap back into place as timelessly cute as they’d always been.

                                            >Flaunting her chin up toward the heavens, Eris pulls out all the stops in pantomiming a forlorn soliloquy.

                                            >”Alas, no more stone imprisonment! No more wonton chaos! No more terrorizing you and your friends! Woe are we, for neither of us can have fun anymore, Fluttershy!”

                                            >To others, this would seem an improper time to feel the beginnings of new hope blooming in one’s chest– but few ponies knew Eris like you did.

                                            >Even if her schemes tended to, well, fail– she always had another fallback just up her sleeve.

                                            >Eris loved to make a scene, and you knew not to interrupt that.

                                            >She was about to present a new plan.

                                            >Unable to stay the coy smirk from curling your lip, you play your part.

                                            “B-but, what can we do?”

                                            >Though Eris was now covering her eyes, seemingly unable to bear staring even one more second at this cruel, unfair world as she lamented– the fuzzy fingers of her paw parted enough to show a wide, slitted eye; her frown replaced with a knowing smile.

                                            >”I’m happy you ask, Fluttershy– for I know just the thing~”


                                            >...


                                            >As per usual, teatime with Eris is a welcomed treat.

                                            >The tradition had started sometime a few years back– Twilight and the others had assumed it was a sneaky, if well-meaning, ruse to ensure at least somepony was keeping tabs on the newly-reformed draconequus.

                                            >You were not nearly so Machiavellian, though you… think you appreciated your friends believing such?

                                            >In truth, you’d come to see a lot of yourself in Eris.

                                            >You’d outright hated her for what she’d tried to do to you and your friends– nearly succeeding in breaking up your bonds.

                                            >Since Princess Celestia’s call for reformation however, you’d been the only one willing to give her another chance; and that choice hadn’t bit you back since.

                                            >You love the girls, truly you do– but there were some topics you just… didn’t feel right bringing to them.

                                            >Most things revolving around Anon being prime examples.

                                            >Disregarding the… necessary bluntness you often need to employ when plotting interactions with him– bringing up such repeated shortcomings to your confident, successful friends felt shameful.

                                            >Perhaps you feeling more comfortable discussing such things with Eris makes you a hypocrite, or maybe just a straight up bad pony for assuming she was as much of a reject as you were.

                                            >Even here in your thoughts, it’s hard to shake the self-loathing.

                                            >Eris just ‘got you’ in a way you weren’t always sure the others did– and she was always adept at proving that point with her often blunt character.

                                            >The chemistry worked, and thus: Infrequent, on a whim tea parties became routine, then weekly, and now nearly every other day.

                                            >Perhaps a cooler pony would’ve just started referring to this as ‘hanging out’ long ago, but… well…

                                            >”Mmm… Equestria to Fluttershy? I’d say your tea is going to get cold, but–”

                                            >With a lazy snap of her claw, Eris lights the surface of your teacup ablaze with a blue flame, as if there was liquor within.

                                            >” –speciality brew from some plant I found in my little fun dimension. It might not even be tea! I suppose we’ll figure it out soon enough, no?”

                                            >As if to demonstrate her point, Eris coolly sips away the porcelain of your tea cup– the liquid within simply burning away in the idle air of your living room.

                                            >Some of the nearby animals cock their heads at the sight.

                                            >They’re new arrivals– they’d learn to not bother questioning in time.

                                            >Having been knocked from your reprise, you gingerly blow the flame out.

                                            “I’m sure it’s fine. So, y-you really think it’ll work? I hadn’t really considered… partnering up with anypony before.”

                                            >Seemingly grown bored of traditional sitting, Eris levitates in place a few feet above the table, idly swirling about like some Eastern dragon.

                                            >”You don’t trust me? We’re a dream team, Fluttershy! It’s nothing against you, of course– I merely seek to expedite your Love Quest with a helping claw! Anon and I think quite alike, believe it or not.”

                                            >Eyeing the draconequus curiously, you take your first sip of the peculiar tea– your senses immediately flushed by a rush of spices you can’t even begin trying to identify.

                                            “You think so?”

                                            >With a sudden burst of spontaneity, Eris throws her out her arms with jazzhands, the shaking accompanied with the building trill of a drum roll.

                                            >”I KNOW so, Shy! I was the one who brought him here, after all!”

                                            >... The reveal perhaps didn’t yield the proper expectation, as silence fills the cottage.

                                            >Your mouth hangs in a light gape.

                                            >Eris holds her position, as if the assured cheering had just been delayed for whatever reason.

                                            >Of course, it doesn’t come.

                                            >Her face falls, the draconequus putting a paw to her hip.

                                            >”What– no ‘thank you’ for planting the extra-dimensional love of your life within walking distance from your cottage?”

                                            >You take another swig of your tea, hoping the delay might give you the time to properly formulate a response.

                                            >Not really.

                                            “I-I just… that doesn’t sound very… ethical?”

                                            >Eris blows a raspberry, pouring herself another cup of tea with unseen magic.

                                            >”Plffbt, ethical schmethical– he had no family and spent the majority of his time studying or watching others cook. It’s more of a mercy than anything else to uproot and drop him in our little corner of Equestria– at least in a gray area of morality.”

                                            >You remain unconvinced, biting at your lip.

                                            >There’s a whole host of conflicting emotions welling up in you at the moment and you’re unsure if you really wish to unpack them.

                                            >”Ugh– okay, to tell you the truth: I… mayyyy have been just the tiniest bit… bored myself. A-and lonely. And not as reformed as I am now.”

                                            >”I-I promise I’m reformed.”

                                            >Your once-nervous look has turned into an outright disapproving scowl.

                                            “Eris…”

                                            >The draconequus in question begins to melt under the pressure, once more tossing her head up in dramatic flair.

                                            >”O-okay! Humans are just so fun! I-it’s hard to find just about ANYTHING in Equestria I can relate to! You and I weren’t so close at the time and I figured I could make his life better! Perhaps it wasn’t the… greatest way to go about things; but I was desperate!”

                                            >Quite literally, Eris takes on a temporary-liquid state, melting back into her seat before spontaneous reformation.

                                            >It’s quite rare to see the draconequus blushing, let alone admitting any level of mistake– but the one she wears now is a fierce hot pink, barely able to meet your stare with her puppy dog eyes.

                                            “... W-well, if that’s the case: Why haven’t I ever seen you around Anon?”

                                            >Eris’ face unceremoniously meets the table with a thud.

                                            >”Must you flog me like this.”

                                            >Finally, Eris’ defeated eyes come to meet yours proper.

                                            >”... Because of  you, Fluttershy. I’m not particularly… good at first impressions, or just about any impressions that might come after that. I was… planning to make my move. By the time I felt ready, you and I were already hanging out, and well… I saw the lengths you were willing to go to in pursuit of him.”

                                            >”It wasn’t something I wanted to compete over with my only friend– lest I end up losing both. S-so… I-I’m fine with just helping you out.”

                                            >As the words spill out, a panging regret comes to bloom like a hot knife in your bosom– wrenching as the pieces connect.

                                            “... E-Eris… i-is that why you’re always asking how things are going with Anon?”

                                            >It seems silly to even ask, perhaps even cruel; but it’s best to discuss this openly together.

                                            >For once, you were cooking the beginnings of a plan yourself.

                                            >With any luck, it just might have Eris singing a different tune.

                                            >”... Mhm…”

                                            >”I could always… pluck another human from his world– but you’re right. It’s a step too far; and even now, I don’t know how Anon views having been uprooted from his past life. I’d tried making sure it was someone who was dissatisfied enough that they’d be receptive, even if unknowingly forced– but that was the mindset of a weaker, desperate Eris.”

                                            “Well… maybe you owe it to him to try and give the best life you can, right?”

                                            >Though gloom still rules her face, curiosity has come into the fray as well.

                                            “W-what if… what if we did more than work together?”

                                            “What if we… s-shared Anon?”

                                            >Eris’ eyes grow wide at the idea, the draconequus planting her arms on the table.

                                            >”Share!? T-the two of us? I-is that, is that allowed!?”

                                            >You can’t keep the smug smirk from your face as at the very least, your friend isn’t so down in the dumps.

                                            “Wanna find out? I-I mean, we’d already be working together, right? Why not share the spoils?”

                                            >Thankfully, Eris slowly comes to match your energy, giggling to herself.

                                            >”Hehe, I’m rubbing off on you~”

                                            >”But… b-but I don’t know. Maybe. A definite maybe! I still haven’t really… met the monkey myself. I mean, I picked him for a reason– but… gah!”

                                            >Eris wildly shakes her head, dusting off her glowing blush as though it were soot.

                                            >”Very rarely am I unhappy with uncertainty, I-I hope you’re treasuring this moment!”

                                            >Admittedly, you very much are– hiding your own giggles behind your teacup.

                                            “Fair’s fair, Eris– it wouldn’t be right of me at this point to accept your help only for my own gain. Besides…”

                                            >Finally getting a taste of her own medicine for once, poor Eris’ face is still trying to catch up and digest all of the emotions swirling about in her head.

                                            “I think you owe it to both him and yourself to try.”

                                            >Eris mulls over with a hissed sigh, her serpentine tongue flicking between clenched teeth.

                                            >Seemingly fed up with being in the hot seat, her entire form seems to 180- the draconequus planting her mitts down atop your table with newfound zeal as if she’d always had the upper hand.

                                            >”Well then! I think we can work with this! The Lady of Chaos welcomes unforeseen elements to a plan anyhow!”

                                            >You giggle watching Eris suddenly grandstanding- that newfound energy of hers perhaps due in part to the happiness of discovering a door once-thought shut to have now been reopened.

                                            “Mhm! Two heads are better than one as well, right? I-I don’t see how Anon could resist!”

                                            >You totally do, but there’s no need in glum realism to sour such an infectious mood.

                                            >After all, who knows?

                                            >This might just be the final nudge Anon needs.

                                            >Needing a last bit of showman flair, Eris throws out talons across the table.

                                            >”Well then, partner~? Allies in the war for dear Anonymous’ HMD?”

                                            >Unable to keep a smile from your face, you meet Eris with a hoof.

                                            “A-allies for Anon’s Heart, Mind, and Desires~!”

                                            >Eris’ eyebrow cocks, but her own determined snaggletooth smirk remains all the same as the two of you shake on it.

                                            >”Tch- Shy, that isn’t…”

                                            >Eris mumbled something, but you didn't quite hear it.

                                            >”Something like that, yeah…”


                                            >With a goal now visualized and solidarity established between two poor lovedrunks, all that was left was to… well, actually create a plan.

                                            >The day’s teatime had escalated, a mutual enjoyment of one another’s company now the staging ground/war room for discussion of tactics on the battlefield of love.

                                            >Atop your living room’s coffee table, critters from bunnies to beavers commingle in stagnant confusion– being used as chess pieces to visualize the current attack plans.

                                            >They didn’t seem to mind their newfound use, idly scratching at themselves amongst the abstract reconstruction of Anon’s property-perimeter.

                                            >”So– the kettle is Anonymous’ house, then?”

                                            “And Angel is Anon, yes.”

                                            >Eris herself lords over the table with her mismatched claws palming its surface, sporting a custom-fitted General’s dress uniform topped with a bubbling corncob pipe.

                                            >She’s adoring the vibe.

                                            >Angel– considerably less so.

                                            >You yourself lean over from your end of the table, hooves neatly in your lap and a colander from your kitchen acting as an impromptu helmet.

                                            >Its rim obscures your vision a touch– but it’s got holes!

                                            >With a makeshift plotter rod (an umbrella), Eris prods your personal units into position.

                                            >They, in true Eris fashion, are cute little origami of the both of you, the draconequus’ magic fuelling their seemingly-sentient movement.

                                            >Making her plotter rod an unnecessary addition, the origami hop into their new position without aid.

                                            >”Well then! We will approach the spigot of Anon’s home at 0600 tomorrow, bright and early– wait, no!”

                                            >As if some grave miscalculation had already spoiled the nonexistent plan– the table and its ‘pieces’ are levitated and swirled about in the air before being placed down just as they had been before, resetting nothing in truth.

                                            >”We should mount our attack today, the very moment we’ve cemented our strategy! He won’t be expecting TWO visits in one day!”

                                            >Commander Eris rubs her chin, fluffing out a nonexistent goatee as she ruminates her new proposal.

                                            >Eris can do a lot of things– but rock a goatee?

                                            >Now /that/ would be silly.

                                            >After a moment, her origami form springs up atop the kettle handle.

                                            >”While you distract Anon at the base of the kettle– I’ll slip through into his bathroom window and collect ALL of the dirty laundry!”

                                            >A quiet accompanying ‘poof!’ materializes a mess of paper socks taller than the origami Eris herself, the poor figure obviously struggling to stay upright with her newfound treasure.

                                            >”Once the payload is secure, I’ll give the signal–”

                                            >The paper Eris squawks like a vulture, sending all of the animals bounding off from the planning table on instinct.

                                            >”– and we’ll both run for our lives with the spoils!”

                                            >Eris heaves her hands up in the air, the thunderous roar of unseen canonfire to punctuate the victory shaking the poor cottage and sending leagues of critters scrambling in a panic.

                                            >You squawk yourself at the sudden scores of artillery, clutching the colander tight against your skull.

                                            >Through the holes, Eris peers down at you, pride and joy welling up on her face as the theatrics culminate.

                                            >”Not bad, eh? Saddle Tzu herself would be proud!”

                                            >... Still shivering, you can’t help but begin poking holes in Eris’ plan.

                                            “I-it’s, well… it’s a start, but–”

                                            “I don’t think stealing Anon’s laundry will make him wanna go on a date with us…”

                                            >Eris tucks her General’s hat over her eyes, gritting teeth.

                                            >”Nrgh… Got sidetracked, apologies and such– Okay! New plan!”

                                            >With a snap, the board is reset once more, and poor Angel is now clinging to the tea kettle ‘house’ as the other animals look about in confusion.

                                            >Why were the others necessary again…?

                                            >”But you’re CERTAIN you don’t wish to top up on your underwear collection? I hardly see an issue with additional spoils beyond Anonymous’ adoration, personally.”

                                            >Under her breath, Eris mumbles “never got to experience the things myself, I should note…”

                                            >You peek out from under your colander helmet’s rim, looking awfully small in comparison to the so-bombastic draconequus.

                                            “I mean… if you really wanted to, couldn’t you just poof a few pairs over with a snap of your claws?”

                                            >Eris blows a raspberry, rolling her eyes.

                                            >”Appblllfft– of course I could, Fluttershy! But that’s hardly proper Draconequus Decorum these days!”

                                            >In perhaps not-so-mock grumpiness, poor Eris mumbles once more “Twilight Sparkle would never let me hear the end of it if I were so indulging… But besides– there’s no fun in that!”

                                            >As if to punctuate her point, and perhaps showcase that she was hardly ever interested in setting out a plan in the first place, Eris slides her length out across your coffee table.

                                            >The teakettle, the animals, and all semblances of preparation are uprooted from their stationary spots atop the makeshift battlemap– subsequently gaining lighter than air buoyancy just by coming into contact with the draconequus’ snaking frame.

                                            >”The fun is charging into the fray, fears and logic cast from the ramparts, and conquering Anonymous before he’s even realized the battle is lost!”

                                            >Oh, you’ve seen this one before…

                                            “I’m… not so sure, Eris.”

                                            >Seemingly shocked, Eris’ folded hands supporting her chin nearly buckle under the weight of her falling face.

                                            >”Bah– but when has spontaneity steered us wrong before?”

                                            “Uh…”

                                            >Always?

                                            >More or less always, yeah.

                                            >At least the first couple times.

                                            >Eris has a tendency of ‘falling upwards,’ both in regards to the saying and oftentimes literally– but that’s typically moreso a symptom of her brute forcing chaos into scenarios until something works out in her favor that she can capitalize on.

                                            >Well… maybe it can’t be helped.

                                            >If you and Eris were going to be working together, maybe it would be best to start things off on her first rejection.

                                            >When dealing with Anon, such a thing must be a sort of rite of passage for any mare or chaos deity in pining for his heart.

                                            >Finding your words once more, though your colander sags back down to cover up your eyes, you can offer a confident smile Eris’ way once more.

                                            “... Yeah.”

                                            >Who knows, maybe through working together– some of that chaos magic might rub off on you.

                                            >Then the two of you can rub off that elusive human stud.

                                            >Or something.