GREEN
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2639 14.72 KB 216
2639 14.72 KB 216
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>You look over the stern as it leaves port. The gentle waves lap against the hull of the cruise ship.
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>Damn the signing up for the raffle for ex-convicts paid off.
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>You breath in the salt air and rest your arms on the railing.
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>Bliss.
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>”Anon! There you are!”
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>Your blissful wonder shatters with that familiar voice.
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>You peek over your shoulder to see a Pegasus, bright yellow mane that has been slightly ruffled with a dull light red coat.
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>Yep that’s her.
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“Happy Days?” You turn around to see your old cell mate and uninvited house guest that wouldn’t leave. “What are you doing here?”
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>”You forgot to tell me we were going on a cruise.” She smiles at you wearing a sun hat.
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“There was only one ticket, Happy.” You grit your teeth.
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>”Nope there were two, I found one in the bin at our home.”
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“My home.” You pinch the bridge of your nose.
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>”Of course, it’s your home as well, silly.” She rolls her eyes.
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>After being [spoiler][Censored][/spoiler] for deaf row, Happy Somehow got it in her head you were a couple.
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>Apparently you called her a “mate” at one point.
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>Ever since she’s been following you. Like an old ache, you try to ignore it.
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>You turn back and bury your face in your hands. This still isn’t the Equestria you wanted.
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>You are snapped to attention when the ship dips and slows.
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>”ICEBURG!”
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>Oh shit.
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>You’ve watched Titanic multiple times, for the drawing scene of course.
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>You sprint to the bow of the ship, hoping over ponies in sun loungers and little foals.
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>Grabbing onto the rail you look over.
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>There’s nothing.
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>You look around and a few ponies have joined you with this search for an iceberg.
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>”THERE IT IS! RUN!” A pony screams in horror.
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>You squint to peer into the water, just bobbing along is a small ice cube.
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>The ponies shriek as it slowly floats towards its target.
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>You hear the crew shouting for the captain to turn.
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>Suddenly the unthinkable happens.
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>Tink.
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>The ice cube hits the hull.
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>Ponies erupt into a frenzy. Climbing over each other to evacuate the ship to the lifeboats.
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>The crew in their bravery gives each pony and inflatable duck ring to have around their waist as flairs are shot into the sky for rescue.
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>”ANON! WE NEED TO LEAVE! THERE'S NOT ENOUGH LIFEBOATS!” You see Happy flying towards you.
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“It’s an ice-cube Happy. The ship is fine.”
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>”It’s sinking Anon!”
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“No it isn’t Happy! Besides you can just fly to port.” You point at the port. “It’s like half a mile away.”
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>”But I’ll never leave you Anon.”
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“Leave it until we’re in the water Happy…”
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>You throw your hands into your pocket and stroll along the deck, swerving your step to dodge panicked ponies.
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>You hear a band play a sad melody over the screaming and shouting.
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>”THE LOWER LEVELS HAS FLOODED! WE’RE DOOMED!” You watch a pegasus with an inflatable ring around her waist take a plunge into the water.
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>You turn on your heel then head to the stairs and descend into the lower levels of the ship. To your disappointment Happy follows.
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>You check each corridor, just rushing ponies trying to grab their stuff. Checking in a few rooms you see a few laying in their beds accepting their fate that will never come.
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>Walking down further you spot some water seeping out one of the rooms. Turning the handle, the door pops open. Following the trail of water into the bathroom you turn off the tap.
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>Fucking ponies.
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>”Anon…” You hear Happy say your name in a sultry voice as she closes the room door behind her with her hind leg. “This may be the last moment we will ever be together…”
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>Nope.jpg.
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>Papa Anon always said “Never stick you dick in stupid, else you’ll get something like you son.”
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>...
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>Huh…
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>You shake your head from your childhood memories and pick up Happy, flinging her over your shoulder.
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>”Wah! Anon!”
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“Get you mind of the gutter Happy.” You open the door and walk up the corridor. “You're leaving this ship.”
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>”So…heroic…But you can’t do this!”
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“I can and you're leaving.”
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>”But what about our unborn foal!” She starts to weep. “It’ll grow up without a father!”
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“You've just gotten fat. Happy, I told you sitting around my house all day eating cakes will do this to you!”
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>”So that’s how foals are made…”
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>You grit your teeth with her stupidity. Ponies are sometimes stupid and act nothing but infants. But this one, this one takes the cake.
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“No Happy, sex makes foals…” You groan.
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>You make it onto the deck and head to the lifeboat.
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>The crew shouts for mares and foals only.
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>Brilliant.
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You hold up Happy in the air “Got a pregnant mare here!”
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>”Okay let her through!” The crew stallion replies.
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>”NO! Anon!” She shouts as she is pushed onto the lifeboat.
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>You simply wave goodbye.
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>Spinning once again on your heels you head to the sun lounger and lay down in the warm sun.
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>Eventually the screaming and crying dies down. Tranquility returns to the ship.
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>Looking around you couldn’t see a single pony insight.
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>Nice…
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>”Oh, somepony still here.”
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>You open your eyes and look to your side.
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>You guess the pony is the Captain.
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“Yeah, the ship is still floating.”
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>”Yeah, this is awkward. I gave a massive speech to my crew about me going down with my ship…”
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“I can see their faces, when you return to shore…”
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END
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>”Anon! I Can't hold on much longer!”
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>You awake from a daze led on a tiled floor.
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>Food products have been scattered around you.
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>Broken jar and dented cans, you are surrounded by grocery gore.
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>You roll your head and look up, you see Happy’s red rear end as she’s caught between two store shelves that have toppled over.
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>She slowly sided town towards you. Sweat starts to bead on your forehead as you watch the ring of death descends upon you.
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“For heaven sakes Happy! Climb up! Climb-“
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>*Record scratch*
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*Freeze frame*
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>Old meme.
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>Yep that’s you. You may be wondering how you’d gotten into this situation…
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>It all started when you decided to go shopping. Happy has cleared all your cupboards, not by greedy hunger, but failed cooking attempts for Hearts and Hooves day.
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>You never knew how she managed to burn a fruit salad, nevertheless you need food.
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>You wheel the shopping trolley along the white tiled for, of course it’s the one with a squeaky wheel that has more control then a mare in heat.
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>You grumble as you look at the prices of the store.
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>”Hey Anon? Can we buy some soup?”
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“You got your own money Happy…” You replied looking at the content of a readymade spaghetti pack.
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>”You mean our money~”
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“No, your money. My money.”
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>”But we’re married...” Her wings sag to her sides.
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“No, we’re not. Dragging me to a temple isn’t marriage Happy.”
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>”But..”
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“Fine! Just get some soup!” You slam the spaghetti into the trolly.
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>You watch Happy flutter over to a stacked pyramid of soup. A slight panic pangs in your being. You’ve seen too many cartoons to know what's going to happen.
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>You were just about to shout for Happy to take the top one. But, she already did.
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>This is going better than you expected.
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>She flies back and places it into the trolly and tilts her head. “What’s wrong?”
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“I thought you were going to take a can from the bottom…”
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>”Oh…What’ll happen if I did?”
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“What would you mean if you did?”
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>She shuffles awkwardly in her spot. “I thought that I should grab a second one.”
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>She holds a can in her hooves.
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>Your face drops, you tear your eyes away from the can to the pyramid.
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>As expected, a hole in the neatly stacked cans.
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>The soup pyramid wobbles and sways as time slows to a crawl.
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“SHIT!” You turn and push the trolly, fleeing from the falling canned death.
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>Happy noticing your terror flies above you screaming over the clattering cans.
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>The cans hit the high shelfs causing them to topple like dominos. Pony shoppers scream and holler as food rained down upon them, the sound of shattering glass and clattering of cans echoes through the store.
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>You push your trolly through the chaos until you feel your foot slip on a fallen wet floor sign.
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>You crash down onto your back as the shelving from both sides topple.
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>Your vision sways as you look up at Happy caught between them.
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>”Anon! I Can’t hold on much longer!”
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“For heaven sakes Happy! Climb up! Climb up!“
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>She slowly slips down between the shelving. Her hind legs pushed up to her stomach you give a full view of marehood, you’ve never been so scared. Slowly but surely you see her ponut inch towards you.
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>You turn your head away from the sight.
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>To your dismay, you feel a rear ringed kiss on your cheek.
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END
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>Waves splash against the Higgins Boat as you the “soldiers” rock side to side as the beachhead draws closer.
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>While the ponies in the boat grip their little pop guns, in absolute terror, all you can do is stare and grit your teeth at Happy Days, who were carelessly looking down the barrel of her weapon.
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>”Hey Anon, do you think it’ll be a nice beach? I hope it isn’t too hot, I forgot to bring our parasole…” Happy asks as she fumbles the popgun back round to her side.
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“...I’m still not sure how you mess things up...So much…”
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>”I did what?”
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“We’re at war Happy! I sent you to the post office to collect a parcel and before I knew it I was both in basic training!”
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>”I thought I was signing us up to a nice summer camp…”
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“It was a recruitment- ugh...never mind…”
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>You deflate, and lean back against the side of the boat.
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>”Five minutes!” The boat pony calls out above you.
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>The ponies start to worry, some even weep, many of them it's their first battle. It was you’re too, but here in Equestria, war never changes. It’s always pies, custard, popguns and if it’s really bad, firecrackers.
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>A pony speaks up, you never bother to learn his name or rank but your guess he’s the unit leader. “Alright, when the door drops I want everypony out. We push up and form a front along the beach...”
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>You couldn’t help to watch Happy just blissfully watch the clouds drift on by as the unit leader drones on about the plan.
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>Your plan is to walk up the beach, and into the mainland of where-ever-the-hell-we-are. Hopefully there would be a working port to get back home.
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>”One minute!”
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>Right here we go…
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>”Get ready, keep on me!” The unit leader calls out.
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>The ponies kiss their lucky charms, and ready themselves. Some even inflate their inflatable armbands...legbands?
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>You simply countdown in your head.
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>3
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>2
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>1
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>The door drops, the ponies in front are greeted with hellfire of cherry pies, they scream as they are sprayed in delicious carnage and pastries.
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>”Over the side!” The unit leader calls out. As ponies climb overboard.
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>You on the other hand pick up Happy and use her a shield for the oncoming pies.
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>She screams as pies splatter her covering her in cheery goo and broken pastry.
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>”ANON! I’m hit!” MEDIC!”
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“It’s pie Happy! It’ll wash off….” You shout over the screams and pie splatter.
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>You make it out of the water and up the beach.
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>Ponies scream and roll in the sand as firecrackers explode next to them.
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>One even shrieks as he tries to shovel his pies back into his bag while medics rush to him.
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>You even see one have a owie as she trips over a beach shell.
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>With a limp Happy under your arm you push forward towards the wired fence.
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>Half expecting barbed wire, you remember where you are. It was a simple bit of string, with a sign saying “Go away, You dumb heads.”
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>You lose half of your unit to that sign alone, including the unit leader who is weeping.
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>”I’m not a dumb head…” He sobs.
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>Rolling your eyes, the appearance of the engineering core makes its way to the string.
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>After a few minutes of shouting and a few covered in pie, one shouts ‘fire in the hole’ and cuts the string with some safety scissors.
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>You pull yourself up from the sand, and continue to use Happy as a shield, her pink coat is now blood red from the cherries.
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>The soldiers look at you in pure horror as you continue to use her as a shield. You can even hear a few vomit behind you.
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>You make your way up a steep hill up to the box forts. Yes. they are actually made out of cardboard boxes with pie launchers hidden inside.
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>You can hear popping from the ponies guns, others just aim their hooves at the enemy and shout “bang!”
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>To your disbelief some even argue saying who shot who first.
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>As you reach the top, Happy rolls in your arms and presses a cherry pied hoof against your face.
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>”Anon...I don’t think I’m going to make it…”
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“It’s just pie!”
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>”Just leave me, win the war….” She croaks.
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“I would love too, but I still need your signature to get my package, I ordered it in your name.”
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>”I always knew you were a hero, under that tough colt attitude…”
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“...”
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>You say nothing as you glance over the trenches, hundreds of ponies fire their popguns at you. So even call out that they shot you and you should lay dead.
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>With a sigh, you bring forth your power larp, from your younger years.
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“You fools!” You call out.
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>Hundreds of eyes watch your every movement.
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“Humans are immune to guns and pies!”
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>A fair few enemy ponies gasp.
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>”Who said that!” A brave on call out over his trench.
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“My mom said.”
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>Even more gasps emerge from the fortifications.
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>”We can argue with his mom...Guys run!” You hear one say.
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>In a panic the enemy ponies flee their trenches, dropping their guns.
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>After you watch the last one flee over the horizon, you spot what looks like the main box fort.
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>Walking over you push through the double cardboard’d door and make your way towards what seems a general.
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“Surrender.”
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>”Who are you.”
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“I’m Anon. I’m bored, I want to go home, surrender now.”
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>”I will not accept those terms! Equestria will - ow!”
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>The general stumbles back from a swift kick in the shin.
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>He looks up at you with tears in his eyes. “I...I…” He sniffs… “I surrender please have mercy!”
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“Good. Now contact your superiors and tell them to or else I’ll come and kick them in the shins.”
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>”Yes...Yes right a way sir…”
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“Come on Happy lets go home,” You talk to the mare flung over your shoulder.
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>”Anon...I think I ate too much- Brurg-”
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>You feel the vomit slide down your back.
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>With that you single handedly win the war.
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>Yet you and Happy find yourselves back in pony prison on deaf row.
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>Happy was sentenced for the crime of putting an endangered species in extreme danger.
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>You were charged with the first war crime in Equestrian history for power larping in battle.
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END
by Aftercase
by Aftercase
by Aftercase
by Aftercase
by Aftercase