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Anon the Poniceman (RGRE)

By Uh-hmmm
Created: 2020-12-17 22:33:27
Expiry: Never
anon/rgre/

  1. 1.
    > Be Anon, poniceman
  2. 2.
    > You figured you'd be better suited to handling the criminal element than all these marshmallow ponies
  3. 3.
    > You were right, but you forgot two things:
  4. 4.
    > You are a stallion
  5. 5.
    > The criminals are marshmallow ponies too
  6. 6.
    > So here you are, stuck behind a desk while your fellow officers risk noogies and skinned knees
  7. 7.
    > They only come to you when
  8. 8.
    "Oh hey, chief. What's up?"
  9. 9.
    > Gruff Puff looks grim
  10. 10.
    > "The bad pony who stole the ambassador's teddy bear won't talk. The ambassador hasn't had beddy bye for two nights."
  11. 11.
    > She places a hoof on your shoulder, you can see how much she hates asking this of you
  12. 12.
    > "Could you persuade the bad pony to cooperate?"
  13. 13.
    > You do your best to keep a straight face
  14. 14.
    "I'll handle it, chief."
  15. 15.
    > Gruff Puff gives a firm nod, then strides away
  16. 16.
    > You make your way down to Firmly Asked Questions, stretching your arms to get you ready
  17. 17.
    > The few ponicemares you pass give you sympathetic looks
  18. 18.
    > You open the door to the hard chair room, and a roguish mare looks you over
  19. 19.
    > You return the favor as you sit across the small tea set from her
  20. 20.
    > Earth pony, grey coat, her black mane cropped at the jaw
  21. 21.
    > She smirks
  22. 22.
    > "You have the wrong mare, Sweetflanks. Unless you have plans for me after you let me go?"
  23. 23.
    > You just give her a flat stare
  24. 24.
    > The smirk begins to falter
  25. 25.
    > You methodically move the tea set onto the floor, piece by piece, letting the clatter sound in the small room
  26. 26.
    > She watches you warily, uncertain
  27. 27.
    > Once the table is clear, you stand up
  28. 28.
    > The mare gets to her hooves too, tensing
  29. 29.
    > It doesn't matter, you're quicker
  30. 30.
    > You lean across and snatch her up into your arms, cradling her on her back
  31. 31.
    > "H-hey! What do you think you're doing?"
  32. 32.
    > You bring her face close to yours, muddling her mind with your breath and scent
  33. 33.
    > At last you speak
  34. 34.
    "I'm disappointed, little filly."
  35. 35.
    > Her eyes go wide, her struggling limbs slowing
  36. 36.
    > You frown deeply
  37. 37.
    "I thought I raised you better than this."
  38. 38.
    > "Wha-"
  39. 39.
    "DON'T TAKE THAT TONE WITH ME, FILLY!"
  40. 40.
    > She freezes, assaulted by the raw force of your paternal presence
  41. 41.
    > "Y-yes papa."
  42. 42.
    > You begin rocking her gently
  43. 43.
    "I know you're not a bad filly."
  44. 44.
    > You stroke some of her mane out of the way, gazing into her teary eyes
  45. 45.
    "You just made a mistake, that's all. Now, why don't you tell me where you hid the colt's teddy, and then we can get you some ice cream?"
  46. 46.
    > She sniffles
  47. 47.
    > "Really?"
  48. 48.
    > You nuzzle her a little
  49. 49.
    "Really."
  50. 50.
    > She spills the beans and you send a mare to retrieve the teddy
  51. 51.
    > Then you guide the shell shocked thief to the department ice cream machine and keep your word
  52. 52.
    > After that, Gruff Puff gives her a stern talking to, and sees her to the door
  53. 53.
    > The thief looks over her shoulder at you, blushing in embarrassment
  54. 54.
    > "W-would it be alright if we talked again?"
  55. 55.
    > You give her a smile
  56. 56.
    "Sure, just make an appointment with the front desk."
  57. 57.
    > She smiles then
  58. 58.
    > "Thanks! I'll be good now."
  59. 59.
    > You give her a wave, then return to the office
  60. 60.
    > Gruff Puff walks beside you, eyeing you worriedly
  61. 61.
    > "You can take the rest of the day off, if you like. FAQ always takes a lot out of me, I can't imagine what it's like for a stallion like you."
  62. 62.
    > You ruffle her mane, a little irritated by the consideration
  63. 63.
    "I'll be fine, and I'd hate to let the paperwork pile up too much."
  64. 64.
    > She unscrunches
  65. 65.
    > "Right, well. I know I've said it before, but the department's lucky to have a stallion like you on the force."
  66. 66.
    > You grin
  67. 67.
    "You just like staring at my butt."
  68. 68.
    > Gruff Puff hits you on the arm, hitting like a marshmallow bouncing off a side of beef
  69. 69.
    > "I'm far too old for frisky colts like you. If you aren't going home, then get to work."
  70. 70.
    "Aye Aye chief."
  71. 71.
    > She nods and retreats to her office
  72. 72.
    > Just another day on the job
  73. 73.
     
  74. 74.
     
  75. 75.
    > Be Anon, poniceman
  76. 76.
    > It finally happened!
  77. 77.
    > Your campaign of suggestion, mild seduction, and the casual mention of a concern about your weight has finally paid off
  78. 78.
    > You're on patrol!
  79. 79.
    > Admittedly in the quietist part of the city, with two mare officers accompanying you, but that's not important
  80. 80.
    > It feels good to walk around in your uniform, stretching your legs, keeping a watchful eye out for crime
  81. 81.
    > The citizens you pass look at you with respect, deferentially looking down and blushing when you greet them casually
  82. 82.
    > A weather team pushes some clouds over the central park, a few of the mares gesturing towards you
  83. 83.
    > "Hey tripod! Trot for us!
  84. 84.
    > They laugh raucously
  85. 85.
    > Downy Draft fluffs up angrily, her wings rustling
  86. 86.
    "What's up?"
  87. 87.
    > The pegasus ponice officer scowls
  88. 88.
    > "Ponies like that give us pegasi a bad name."
  89. 89.
    > You tilt your head
  90. 90.
    "Reckon we should do something about that?"
  91. 91.
    > Downy grins
  92. 92.
    > "Be my guest."
  93. 93.
    > Point Hexter gives you an unimpressed look, but doesn't say anything
  94. 94.
    > That's one stoic unicorn
  95. 95.
    > You turn towards the weather team and get serious
  96. 96.
    "Hey! You three, get down here!"
  97. 97.
    > The catcallers glance at each other and shrug
  98. 98.
    > They swoop down and land about five feet away
  99. 99.
    > The lead mare is gazing in what you have come to recognize as the crotchward direction
  100. 100.
    > "Can we help you, officer?"
  101. 101.
    > You snap your fingers loudly, directing their gaze upward
  102. 102.
    > Then you pour on the scowl
  103. 103.
    > Ponies aren't great at shows of displeasure, but they're used to being scrunched at from time to time
  104. 104.
    > That's not what you're doing
  105. 105.
    > Your forehead wrinkles, your frown deepens, you start a low rumble in the back of your throat
  106. 106.
    > All five mares' eyes shrink to pinpricks
  107. 107.
    > You bare your teeth in a silent snarl
  108. 108.
    "I thought Manehatten weather teams were the best in Equestria. I thought they were professional, hard working mares."
  109. 109.
    > One of the catcaller's wings slowly extend, her face reddening
  110. 110.
    > Just
  111. 111.
    > Ignore that
  112. 112.
    "I better not hear about this again, understand?"
  113. 113.
    > They nod once, then flee
  114. 114.
    > Downy exhales shakily
  115. 115.
    > "Tarturus, Anon, remind me never to make you angry."
  116. 116.
    "Whaaaat? Why would you ever worry about angering a harmless little stallion like me?"
  117. 117.
    > Point Hexter snorts
  118. 118.
    > "You are neither little nor harmless, officer Anonymous. Frankly, I am beginning to doubt whether or not you are even a stallion."
  119. 119.
    > You rock back in mock pain
  120. 120.
    "Whoa, sick burns from officer cold shoulder!"
  121. 121.
    > She gives you a flat look as Downy giggles
  122. 122.
    > "My name is Point Hexter. Enough of this, we have a beat to patrol. I suggest we do so."
  123. 123.
    "Good point, Hexter. I'll try to reign in my shenanigans."
  124. 124.
    > She nods sternly and takes the lead position
  125. 125.
    > You fall into step with Downy
  126. 126.
    > The pegasus beckons you closer with a wing, glancing at the unicorn
  127. 127.
    > You lean down so she can whisper
  128. 128.
    > "Don't worry, she's just being a hardflank because she doesn't swing your way. Normally she's much nicer."
  129. 129.
    > You look speculatively at Point Hexter
  130. 130.
    "Doesn't that also mean that she likes you? Like, like like?"
  131. 131.
    > Point Hexter glares at you over her shoulder, her face reddening
  132. 132.
    > "That is none of your business."
  133. 133.
    > You hold up your hands in surrender
  134. 134.
    > Downy Draft grins
  135. 135.
    > "He's going to hear about from somepony. Pointy and I...we have a somewhat special arrangement. We won't herd, even though I am bi."
  136. 136.
    > You shrug
  137. 137.
    "Sounds reasonable."
  138. 138.
    > Hexter stops and jabs a hoof out at you
  139. 139.
    > "See? Even he thinks so!"
  140. 140.
    > Downy ruffles her wings in a pegasusy shrug
  141. 141.
    > "I wasn't raised as liberally as you two. Doesn't feel like a herd unless there's a stallion to take care of the foals. I still love you, pokeymuffin."
  142. 142.
    > Hexter blushes furiously, then does an about face
  143. 143.
    > "Th-that's enough talking, everypony. We're on duty, let's act like it."
  144. 144.
    > You throw a mock salute
  145. 145.
    "Yes ma'am!"
  146. 146.
    > Downy smiles, and the three of you continue
  147. 147.
     
  148. 148.
    > Point Sexter had mostly gotten back to normal by the time the patrol found a stallion staring fretfully up into a densely limbed tree
  149. 149.
    > Hexter glances significantly at you and Downy, then leads the way over
  150. 150.
    > "What seems to be the problem, sir?"
  151. 151.
    > The stallion paws nervously at the ground
  152. 152.
    > "My foal is up there! Please, get him before he falls!"
  153. 153.
    > Sounds like a job for officer monkey
  154. 154.
    "He'll be down in a jiffy, sir."
  155. 155.
    > "Anon-"
  156. 156.
    > You scramble up the trunk, focused on the little colt up in the branches
  157. 157.
    > You make it a few more feet before the little guy starts glowing and drifting down past you
  158. 158.
    > You look down to see Point Hexter smirk at you, the colt soon reunited with his father
  159. 159.
    > Laugh it up, fuzzball
  160. 160.
    > When you make it back down, the two males had already wandered off
  161. 161.
    > Hexter clears her throat
  162. 162.
    > "I realise you want to be a powerful, self-reliant stallion that does not require the assistance of any mare, but we are on a patrol for a reason. I recognize the brutish strength of your monkey race, please do the same for my magic and Downy's flight."
  163. 163.
    > You glance sidelong at Downy
  164. 164.
    "Your marefriend has a sharp tongue."
  165. 165.
    > "Well,"
  166. 166.
    "I like it! At any rate, I apologize Point Hexter, I will strive to be more aware of the individual strengths of this team, and my place in that."
  167. 167.
    > The unicorn gives you a rare smile
  168. 168.
    > "See that you do. Shall we go on?"
  169. 169.
     
  170. 170.
    > The rest of the day passes in a golden blur of small favors and the stern lecture
  171. 171.
    > When you get back to the station, Gruff Puff is waiting for you
  172. 172.
    > Point Hexter steps forward
  173. 173.
    > "I am glad to report that officer Anonymous has successfully integrated into our patrol. We would have no objections if this would become his permanent assignment."
  174. 174.
    > Gruff nods, not too surprised
  175. 175.
    > "Good, good. I do have one question, though."
  176. 176.
    > Hexter looks attentively
  177. 177.
    > Gruff Puff pulls out a hoofwritten letter
  178. 178.
    > "Why do I have a written apology from the major of the the weather team for her actions towards a stallion officer?"
  179. 179.
    > ...
  180. 180.
    "Wait, that was the major of the whole-"
  181. 181.
    > Downy breaks down giggling
  182. 182.
    > You round on her
  183. 183.
    "You knew!"
  184. 184.
    > The pegasus gasps for air
  185. 185.
    > "It was priceless! She'll never live down getting tongue-lashed by a rookie ponicestallion!"
  186. 186.
    > Point Hexter is smirking at you again
  187. 187.
    > Gruff Puff is coughing suspiciously into her hoof
  188. 188.
    > You raise your hands imploringly to the uncaring ponicestation ceiling
  189. 189.
    "Mares!"
  190. 190.
    > Hexter grins
  191. 191.
    > "And now you finally act like a true stallion."
  192. 192.
    > You stalk off to your desk while the three collapse in laughter
  193. 193.
    > You have a job to do, and not even the mockery of lesbians and a cougar will keep you from it

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