Anon the Poniceman (RGRE)


                                            > Be Anon, poniceman

                                            > You figured you'd be better suited to handling the criminal element than all these marshmallow ponies

                                            > You were right, but you forgot two things:

                                            > You are a stallion

                                            > The criminals are marshmallow ponies too

                                            > So here you are, stuck behind a desk while your fellow officers risk noogies and skinned knees

                                            > They only come to you when

                                            "Oh hey, chief. What's up?"

                                            > Gruff Puff looks grim

                                            > "The bad pony who stole the ambassador's teddy bear won't talk. The ambassador hasn't had beddy bye for two nights."

                                            > She places a hoof on your shoulder, you can see how much she hates asking this of you

                                            > "Could you persuade the bad pony to cooperate?"

                                            > You do your best to keep a straight face

                                            "I'll handle it, chief."

                                            > Gruff Puff gives a firm nod, then strides away

                                            > You make your way down to Firmly Asked Questions, stretching your arms to get you ready

                                            > The few ponicemares you pass give you sympathetic looks

                                            > You open the door to the hard chair room, and a roguish mare looks you over

                                            > You return the favor as you sit across the small tea set from her

                                            > Earth pony, grey coat, her black mane cropped at the jaw

                                            > She smirks

                                            > "You have the wrong mare, Sweetflanks. Unless you have plans for me after you let me go?"

                                            > You just give her a flat stare

                                            > The smirk begins to falter

                                            > You methodically move the tea set onto the floor, piece by piece, letting the clatter sound in the small room

                                            > She watches you warily, uncertain

                                            > Once the table is clear, you stand up

                                            > The mare gets to her hooves too, tensing

                                            > It doesn't matter, you're quicker

                                            > You lean across and snatch her up into your arms, cradling her on her back

                                            > "H-hey! What do you think you're doing?"

                                            > You bring her face close to yours, muddling her mind with your breath and scent

                                            > At last you speak

                                            "I'm disappointed, little filly."

                                            > Her eyes go wide, her struggling limbs slowing

                                            > You frown deeply

                                            "I thought I raised you better than this."

                                            > "Wha-"

                                            "DON'T TAKE THAT TONE WITH ME, FILLY!"

                                            > She freezes, assaulted by the raw force of your paternal presence

                                            > "Y-yes papa."

                                            > You begin rocking her gently

                                            "I know you're not a bad filly."

                                            > You stroke some of her mane out of the way, gazing into her teary eyes

                                            "You just made a mistake, that's all. Now, why don't you tell me where you hid the colt's teddy, and then we can get you some ice cream?"

                                            > She sniffles

                                            > "Really?"

                                            > You nuzzle her a little

                                            "Really."

                                            > She spills the beans and you send a mare to retrieve the teddy

                                            > Then you guide the shell shocked thief to the department ice cream machine and keep your word

                                            > After that, Gruff Puff gives her a stern talking to, and sees her to the door

                                            > The thief looks over her shoulder at you, blushing in embarrassment

                                            > "W-would it be alright if we talked again?"

                                            > You give her a smile

                                            "Sure, just make an appointment with the front desk."

                                            > She smiles then

                                            > "Thanks! I'll be good now."

                                            > You give her a wave, then return to the office

                                            > Gruff Puff walks beside you, eyeing you worriedly

                                            > "You can take the rest of the day off, if you like. FAQ always takes a lot out of me, I can't imagine what it's like for a stallion like you."

                                            > You ruffle her mane, a little irritated by the consideration

                                            "I'll be fine, and I'd hate to let the paperwork pile up too much."

                                            > She unscrunches

                                            > "Right, well. I know I've said it before, but the department's lucky to have a stallion like you on the force."

                                            > You grin

                                            "You just like staring at my butt."

                                            > Gruff Puff hits you on the arm, hitting like a marshmallow bouncing off a side of beef

                                            > "I'm far too old for frisky colts like you. If you aren't going home, then get to work."

                                            "Aye Aye chief."

                                            > She nods and retreats to her office

                                            > Just another day on the job


                                            > Be Anon, poniceman

                                            > It finally happened!

                                            > Your campaign of suggestion, mild seduction, and the casual mention of a concern about your weight has finally paid off

                                            > You're on patrol!

                                            > Admittedly in the quietist part of the city, with two mare officers accompanying you, but that's not important

                                            > It feels good to walk around in your uniform, stretching your legs, keeping a watchful eye out for crime

                                            > The citizens you pass look at you with respect, deferentially looking down and blushing when you greet them casually

                                            > A weather team pushes some clouds over the central park, a few of the mares gesturing towards you

                                            > "Hey tripod! Trot for us!

                                            > They laugh raucously

                                            > Downy Draft fluffs up angrily, her wings rustling

                                            "What's up?"

                                            > The pegasus ponice officer scowls

                                            > "Ponies like that give us pegasi a bad name."

                                            > You tilt your head

                                            "Reckon we should do something about that?"

                                            > Downy grins

                                            > "Be my guest."

                                            > Point Hexter gives you an unimpressed look, but doesn't say anything

                                            > That's one stoic unicorn

                                            > You turn towards the weather team and get serious

                                            "Hey! You three, get down here!"

                                            > The catcallers glance at each other and shrug

                                            > They swoop down and land about five feet away

                                            > The lead mare is gazing in what you have come to recognize as the crotchward direction

                                            > "Can we help you, officer?"

                                            > You snap your fingers loudly, directing their gaze upward

                                            > Then you pour on the scowl

                                            > Ponies aren't great at shows of displeasure, but they're used to being scrunched at from time to time

                                            > That's not what you're doing

                                            > Your forehead wrinkles, your frown deepens, you start a low rumble in the back of your throat

                                            > All five mares' eyes shrink to pinpricks

                                            > You bare your teeth in a silent snarl

                                            "I thought Manehatten weather teams were the best in Equestria. I thought they were professional, hard working mares."

                                            > One of the catcaller's wings slowly extend, her face reddening

                                            > Just

                                            > Ignore that

                                            "I better not hear about this again, understand?"

                                            > They nod once, then flee

                                            > Downy exhales shakily

                                            > "Tarturus, Anon, remind me never to make you angry."

                                            "Whaaaat? Why would you ever worry about angering a harmless little stallion like me?"

                                            > Point Hexter snorts

                                            > "You are neither little nor harmless, officer Anonymous. Frankly, I am beginning to doubt whether or not you are even a stallion."

                                            > You rock back in mock pain

                                            "Whoa, sick burns from officer cold shoulder!"

                                            > She gives you a flat look as Downy giggles

                                            > "My name is Point Hexter. Enough of this, we have a beat to patrol. I suggest we do so."

                                            "Good point, Hexter. I'll try to reign in my shenanigans."

                                            > She nods sternly and takes the lead position

                                            > You fall into step with Downy

                                            > The pegasus beckons you closer with a wing, glancing at the unicorn

                                            > You lean down so she can whisper

                                            > "Don't worry, she's just being a hardflank  because she doesn't swing your way. Normally she's much nicer."

                                            > You look speculatively at Point Hexter

                                            "Doesn't that also mean that she likes you? Like, like like?"

                                            > Point Hexter glares at you over her shoulder, her face reddening

                                            > "That is none of your business."

                                            > You hold up your hands in surrender

                                            > Downy Draft grins

                                            > "He's going to hear about from somepony. Pointy and I...we have a somewhat special arrangement. We won't herd, even though I am bi."

                                            > You shrug

                                            "Sounds reasonable."

                                            > Hexter stops and jabs a hoof out at you

                                            > "See? Even he thinks so!"

                                            > Downy ruffles her wings in a pegasusy shrug

                                            > "I wasn't raised as liberally as you two. Doesn't feel like a herd unless there's a stallion to take care of the foals. I still love you, pokeymuffin."

                                            > Hexter blushes furiously, then does an about face

                                            > "Th-that's enough talking, everypony. We're on duty, let's act like it."

                                            > You throw a mock salute

                                            "Yes ma'am!"

                                            > Downy smiles, and the three of you continue


                                            > Point Sexter had mostly gotten back to normal by the time the patrol found a stallion staring fretfully up into a densely limbed tree

                                            > Hexter glances significantly at you and Downy, then leads the way over

                                            > "What seems to be the problem, sir?"

                                            > The stallion paws nervously at the ground

                                            > "My foal is up there! Please, get him before he falls!"

                                            > Sounds like a job for officer monkey

                                            "He'll be down in a jiffy, sir."

                                            > "Anon-"

                                            > You scramble up the trunk, focused on the little colt up in the branches

                                            > You make it a few more feet before the little guy starts glowing and drifting down past you

                                            > You look down to see Point Hexter smirk at you, the colt soon reunited with his father

                                            > Laugh it up, fuzzball

                                            > When you make it back down, the two males had already wandered off

                                            > Hexter clears her throat

                                            > "I realise you want to be a powerful, self-reliant stallion that does not require the assistance of any mare, but we are on a patrol for a reason. I recognize the brutish strength of your monkey race, please do the same for my magic and Downy's flight."

                                            > You glance sidelong at Downy

                                            "Your marefriend has a sharp tongue."

                                            > "Well,"

                                            "I like it! At any rate, I apologize Point Hexter, I will strive to be more aware of the individual strengths of this team, and my place in that."

                                            > The unicorn gives you a rare smile

                                            > "See that you do. Shall we go on?"


                                            > The rest of the day passes in a golden blur of small favors and the stern lecture

                                            > When you get back to the station, Gruff Puff is waiting for you

                                            > Point Hexter steps forward

                                            > "I am glad to report that officer Anonymous has successfully integrated into our patrol. We would have no objections if this would become his permanent assignment."

                                            > Gruff nods, not too surprised

                                            > "Good, good. I do have one question, though."

                                            > Hexter looks attentively

                                            > Gruff Puff pulls out a hoofwritten letter

                                            > "Why do I have a written apology from the major of the the weather team for her actions towards a stallion officer?"

                                            > ...

                                            "Wait, that was the major of the whole-"

                                            > Downy breaks down giggling

                                            > You round on her

                                            "You knew!"

                                            > The pegasus gasps for air

                                            > "It was priceless! She'll never live down getting tongue-lashed by a rookie ponicestallion!"

                                            > Point Hexter is smirking at you again

                                            > Gruff Puff is coughing suspiciously into her hoof

                                            > You raise your hands imploringly to the uncaring ponicestation ceiling

                                            "Mares!"

                                            > Hexter grins

                                            > "And now you finally act like a true stallion."

                                            > You stalk off to your desk while the three collapse in laughter

                                            > You have a job to do, and not even the mockery of lesbians and a cougar will keep you from it