GREEN
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3770 20.69 KB 417
3770 20.69 KB 417
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>Day turkey in Equestria
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>It is midday
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>You, Anonymous, the homeless beggar stroke your mighty beard as you stand in front of Celestia's throne
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>Yes, Princess Celestia
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>You don't quite know how you came to Equestria, but you ran from a purple pony and hitched a train to Canterlot
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>You spent months scrounging around for food
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>Alas, you have barely scraped by while making friends with the majority of the ponies
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>But recently, a pony had apparently reported you to the big cheese of Equestria
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>So here you stood, stroking your mighty beard
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>Oh, and it was Thanksgiving, but the ponies didnt know that
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>The noise of somebody clearing their throat caught your attention
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>You looked up to see a somewhat perplexed Celestia sitting on her throne, her mane flowing rather remarkably
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>She smiled down upon you, but you just stared into her eyes, now twirling your mustache
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>"Anonymous the human?"
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>You stopped twirling your mustache
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"Yes?"
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>Your voice was slightly raspy, but you could get over it
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>Celestia appeared to wince at the sound of your voice
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>"You are, as of now, the only homeless being to reside within Equestria's borders."
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>You put your hands on your hips and clicked your tongue
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"Really? That's a surprise. There are thousands of homeless where i come from. Mostly children and mentally incapable adults, but eh. Shit happens."
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>She nervously laughs and the guards shuffle uncomfortably
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>"Impeccable word choice... Alas, I wish to offer you a home, on behalf of Equestria!"
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>Oh?
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>What's this?
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>She insulted your word choice and now she wants to give you a home?
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"Sorry sister, but i think i'll stick to hunting and gathering."
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>Her laugh dropped and she narrowed her eyes
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>"That is not an option. I will not have a homeless creature within my borders."
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>Wut
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"I'll just leave your borders then?"
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>She cocked an eyebrow, still frownin down upon you
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>Oh fuck
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>"You are not a creature native to this world, Anonymous the human."
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>Where is she going with this?
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>"As such, I am afraid that i will have to make you a creature native to Equestria."
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>She shooed away the guards, who left in a hurry, and she stepped down from the throne
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>That glorious ass swaying to and fro all the while
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>You wiped drool from your beard and looked forward, as you both stood eye to eye
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"Today is thanksgiving, and i wont thank you if you do that."
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>She cocked her head to the side slightly
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>"What is thanksgiving? Some kind of human holiday?"
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>You smiled
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"Yeah, we buy or catch a turkey and cook it,, and then eat it."
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>She put on this disgusted look on her face as she stepped back a little
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>"You kill an innocent creature?!"
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>You shrugged
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"A man's gotta eat."
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>She shook her head and sighed
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>"Yes well. Now I have a good reason for doing this. This spell requires a large amount of power, and you will not retain your age. So... It will be my responsibility to find you a home."
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>Fucking what?
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>You are thirty four years old with a large beautiful beard that Phil Robertson would be proud of
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"Ain't nobody got time for that!"
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>You took off your left boot and threw it at her
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>You made the move to dive out the stained glass window, but instead of crashing through it, you bumped off of it
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>Your head smacked the marble floor, and you fell into a daze
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>You groaned as miss perfect ass came waltzing to your side, looking down pitifully at your stunned form
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"Fluck offa me."
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>You can't tell her to fuck off
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>Fucking brain
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>"Hmph, well. Might as well do it now and get it over with. Maybe somepony will teach you not to use naughty words."
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>Fuck!
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>A bright golden light flashed all around you as your body felt like it was ripping itself to pieces
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>You screamed in pain for what felt like hours before you finally went unconscious
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>Glorious sleep
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>Take me away
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>You finally woke up with a startled gasp
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>You moved a hand to your face to feel for your amazingly sexy beard
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>And it was still... there?
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>Kind of
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>It was about half the size of Willie's, from Duck Dynasty
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>If you would take a guess, you would say that you are now a teenager
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>If that is so...
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"Test- gah. Testing... 1...2...3..."
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>Yup, you were a teenager again
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>What luck! You were younger!
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>You made to jump out of bed and clap your hands, but you fell on all four limbs instead
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"The fuck?"
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>You looked down at where your hands should be, but instead found dark blue hooves
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>Fucking hell
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>You're a miniature horse
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>But not really. You were a teenager, Seventeen you could guess.
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>Sunbutt must not have known you were thirty four years old
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>If you were younger, you might have been made into a foal or some shit
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>But nope, here you were
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"Wait..."
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>Your beard caught your eyes
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>You crossed your eyes to look at your mustache
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"Aha!"
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>Yup, your beard color has changed
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>It was now gray
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>Perfect
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>Fifty shades of pony
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>But now you had to figure out a way to get out of this god damn country, before perfect ass finds you and does something weird
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>Suddenly, the door opened and shed light on the small room
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>Princess Celestia stood at the door
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>Oh fuck
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>You tried to make yourself unnoticeable, so you slumped onto your ass
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>Great job Anonymous you clumsy fuck
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>Her eyes swept across the room before they fell upon your form
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>The curious eyes narrowed into slits as she stepped into the room slowly and with deliberation
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>If you wouldn't know better, you'd think she was about to kill you!
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"Heh..."
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>Celestia stopped in front of you, her eyes boring down into your frightened face
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>She looked so evil from up there
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>Your eyes flicked to a hoof that had been lifted up, now slowly coming towards your face
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>She's gonna smother you!
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>You whimpered and flicked your eyes between her face and the incoming, perhaps hostile, hoof
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>The hoof stopped just before it reached your newly formed muzzle
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>You looked up to her eyes with a confused expression
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>"Boop!"
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>The hoof lightly poked your nose
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>Her menacing gaze and frown turned into a lighthearted gaze and a grin
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"Get outta here Celestia, the only reason i aint pissed is 'cause my beard is still here."
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>You swiped away her hoof
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>Celestia stepped back and sighed in response
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>"Well if you want to be mad, be mad Anon, but just remember that i am helping you."
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>Only your friends called you Anon
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>You narrowed your eyes in contempt
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>She took note of your apparent discomfort and smiled
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>"Well at least you are a unicorn, in fact, you are the spitting image of Starswirl the Bearded when he was of teenage years."
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>You sighed
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>She scratched her chin with a hoof
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>"I was expecting that spell to make you younger than this... I suppose i underestimated your age."
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"Thirty four, i'm thirty four years old. I'm actually happy that you made me younger."
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>You weren't happy that you were a pony
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>But you are a unicorn!
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>And none of those ponies can be misanthropic towards you anymore!
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>Maybe you could finally leave this place
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"Well Princess, it was nice of you to do this, but i'm afraid that i must take my leave."
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>She chuckled
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>You stood up awkwardly and managed to walk past her
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>Celestia's horn lit up with a golden glow as the same glow wrapped around you, gently pulling you back
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>"Not so fast. Now that you are technically a minor, you are under the care of whoever wants to care for you."
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>Uh oh
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>"And that somepony is me."
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"I need an adult!"
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>She laughed
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>Oh god she laughed
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>"Silly, I am an Adult!"
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"NOOOOOOOOOO!"
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>You screamed as you were carried on Celestia's back into Celestia's bedroom
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>Today was not a pleasant day as you wood usually say
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>You thought you were about to be raped by the sun
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>How does that work?
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>Being raped by the sun...
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>Your ears perked up as you thought of an idea
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>A weird feeling
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>You could feel your ears move upwards, and to the sides, it was an odd feeling that you wished would go away
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"Celestia. I'll give you a cookie if you promise not to rape me."
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>She fluffed her wings in apprehension
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>"I'm afraid i do not know what 'Rape' is, my dear Anonmous, but I will gladly accept a cookie if you have one!"
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>Oh.
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>So you won't be raped today.
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"I don't have a cookie, and why are we in here?"
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>Celestia's ears folded down, disapointment from not having a cookie?
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>"We are here to get you settled into your new body. Magic, walking, general things ponies know how to do."
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>Oh.
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>Magic?
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>You wonder what you could do with that
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"Avada Kadavra?"
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>You smiled to yourself
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>"No... I don't seem to recall a spell of that name Nonny."
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>Wut
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"Nonny? Don't call me that."
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>You could just feel her smile while on her back
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>"Okay, Nonny."
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>Ur a witty lil' cunt i'll give ya that
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>She'd probably smack you if you called her a cunt
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>You wonder...
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"Cunt."
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>Celestia's ears perk up
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>"What was that, Anonymous?"
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>Oh fuck
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>She knew what it meant
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"N-nothing. Just testing the waters for something just to be sure... Hehehe..."
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>You chuckled nervously
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>You hoped she didn't know what most of the cursing was
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>"Well i'm fairly certain that what I heard was not 'Nothing' as you put it, Anonymous. I will not tolerate that sort of language coming from the mouths of my ponies."
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>Your ears folded down, again, such an odd feeling
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>How were you scared of this mare? You are... Were a human citizen of The United States of America
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>Yeah! You could tell her that! Maybe she'd send you back!
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"Yes well. I am a human citizen of The United States of America! I demand you to send me back to my country!"
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>A golden glow enveloped you as you were lifted off her back and in front of her
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>She plopped you on your ass and you looked up into her satisfied gaze
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>Why is she happy?
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>"I don't see a human anywhere. All i see is a terrified unicorn colt sitting in front of me."
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>You gulped
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>Why is she doing this?
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"Why are you doing this?"
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>She leaned her muzzle down to yours, and you flinched back slightly
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>"Because i can tell when somepony needs another to care about them."
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>She pecked you on your nose
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>What did she mean by that? And why did she kiss your nose?
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>"You are frightened."
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>She sighed
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>Of course you were! First you were human, and now you were... This!
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"W-well yeah. I mean... You... Horses!"
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>Damn, you couldnt even talk.
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>Maybe you should just go to sleep, and everything will be okay
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>You lied on the marble floor, your head getting cold, but you were in no position to complain
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>Wouldn't want to get blasted by the sun...
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>You felt a presence curl up against you
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>You knew you weren't lying as a pony probably should
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>It was uncomfortable in fact
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>You decided to curl up into a ball and just sleep
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>"It's okay to be scared. It happens."
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>You felt the presence curl up all around you
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>Rape
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>"But i'm always there for my little ponies."
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>RAAAPE
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>Celestia hugged you from behind
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>As your eyes widened, you wondered how you had gotten into this situation, and which pony had reported you to Celestia, if any
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>You had to do something
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>You were a man!
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>You were no silly colt to be cuddled up by "Mommy Dearest"!
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"Get off of me you wretched creature!"
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>YOu kicked her in the stomach with a back hoof, eliciting a pained "Oomph" from the Princess
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>Oh god you just kicked a creature powerful enough to incinerate you
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>"N-now now Anonymous. That's not something a pony should do..."
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>Get the fuck outta there
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"I'm getting out."
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>You stood up on four wobbly legs
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>Oh shit, you haven't figured out how to walk on four legs yet
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>And the door is closed to top it all off
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>Your ears dropped once more
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"I'm boned."
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>"One could say that your plan wasn't thought out very well, hm?"
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>You gulped
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>She was right behind you
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>"And 'Wretched Creature' isn't the term that most ponies use to describe a princess."
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>Dont look at her and you wont die
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>"You should probably shave, Nonny."
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>Bitch you what?
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>You turn around and burrow your gaze deep into her own radiant eyes
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"The fuck you say?"
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>Her soft gaze turned into a glare, but you didnt care about that, because this bitch just told you to shave
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>"I told you, you need to shave. Don't curse in the castle."
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>She met your gaze with equal intensity
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>Your beard began to tingle at the thought of staring down a princess
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>A random thought passed through your head
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>What if beard magic was a thing?
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>Suddenly, an earsplitting *POP* followed by a bright flash interrupted the staredown
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>Princess Celestia tried to meet you eye to eye, but she turned her gaze down to your... thigh...
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>Wow what a fucking surprise
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>"Anonymous, you have received your cutie mark?"
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>Huh?
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>You looked at your ass and snorted at what you saw
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>It was a cartoon beard
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>Guess your cutie mark has to do with beard
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>"It's a beard. Much like your own... How odd... I have never seen a unicorn specialize in beard magic... It was a theory made by Starswirl however..."
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>So beard magic was a thing?
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>Neat
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"Still not shaving my beard, lady. I also humbly request to leave the castle. M'lady."
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>Snicker
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>Princess Celestia was not so humorous however, as she turned her hardened gaze back onto you
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>"No. In fact, we still have to teach you the basics of magic."
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>Damn
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>Well, at least you know that you'll be great at beard magic!
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>You pictured yourself flying with your beard, the beard flapping like wings.
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>Much like the Ice King
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>You notice a golden glow lift you up and place you down on a very soft bed
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>"Now then. I wish to cover basic levitation AT LEAST by tonight. So we'd better get started."
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>She had such a motherly voice, much like your own mother
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>Interesting to note that your mother indeed had a beard
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>Celestia, however, did not
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>Yet
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> *FLASH*
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>Your eyes roll in your sockets as you try to reorient your perception and field of view
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>When you finally undizzify yourself via bashing of the head with a hoof, you notice something peculiar
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>Something is off about Celestia
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>Maybe it was because she now had a beard.
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>WAIT WHAT
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"Oh no."
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>Celestia remained unfazed by it however, and she did not seem to notice
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>"Nonny? Did you just cast a spell?"
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>There was now a flowing beard on her face, with a flowing mustache as well
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>You had to admit, Celestia looked pretty good with a beard
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>"Nonny?Are you fawning over me? That's not very polite to ogle your mo- er... Teacher's... Face..."
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>Her eyes rolled down to where you were staring
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>She looked back at you
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>She then closed her eyes and proceeded to nod in a sagely manner
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>Damn, she is pretty okay with this
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"Are you okay?"
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>"Yes yes. I suppose you do have a talent with beard magic."
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>It's like dumbledore but horse
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>Or Gandalf, whichever you prefer
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>You personally prefer Dumbledore, because beards are sexy on wise wizards in mighty castles
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>You wanted to milk everything from this.
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"Why yes. I suppose i do have a talent with beard magic."
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>Her eyebrow raised up a few inches
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>Hm
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"And i think i would rather work on beard magic than silly leviatation."
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>An idea ran through your head
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>"Well, levitation is a skill that most unicorns need to know, so i'm... afraid... that... you....."
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>She trailed off when she saw what you had done
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"Like it?"
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>You had manipulated your own beard to pick up a quill that was laying on a nearby desk
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>"I..."
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>Her eyes were so wide that you thought they would burst from their sockets
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>"I'm... So proud of you Anon!"
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>Oh
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>She pressed forward and smothered you inot a big hug
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>The quill held by your beard fell, and your beard went limp
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>You had lost focus, wrapped up in the hug
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>Your face was being smothered by her beard
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>You should probably get rid of that
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>But this seemed to be important to her, so why not return the hug?
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>So you did
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>This was perhaps the longest and most nervous hug you have experienced in your entire life
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>Especially so, because you were hugging a pony that was twice your size with a beard that does not belong
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>You had to admit though, ponies sure did have soft fur
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>Princess Celestia smells like vanilla, such a comforting smell
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>It reminded you of vanilla ice cream from back home
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>So smooth as it glided down your throat, so sweet as the smell filled your nostrils, and such a memorable aftertaste
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>Much like Celestia at this very moment, except you aren't eating her
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>You broke away from the hug, and thought about Celestia without her long flowing beard
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>With another, albeit less disorienting, *FLASH* the beard was gone from her face
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>In your mind, you had ranked up to a level 2 beard wizard
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"Yay."
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>Celestia looked down upon you with an approving gaze
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>You sighed in relief, unaware that you were holding in tension
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>Why were you even tense before?
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>It didn't matter. You were a level 2 beard wizard now
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>"Well that was nice! Wouldn't you say so Anon?"
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>Maybe
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"I suppose it was comforting."
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>Just maybe
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>Celestia smiled
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>"Good! Now that you know how to manipulate objects in... your own way..."
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>She hesitated
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>You guess that she didn't know how to explain what she had just witnessed
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>It isn't every day that a man, or in this case pony, manipulates objects with his beard
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>"I suggest we take lunch! The castle has some fine venues of course."
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>Was she trying to reassure you about something?
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>Because that is what her tone implied
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>Or maybe she was saying that the castle had a wide selection of delicacies
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>Perhaps you were just over thinking things
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>"Come along Anon!"
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"Oh yeah, i'm coming."
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>You quickly learned how to walk as a quadruped, it not being as hard as you thought
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>You figured that your beard could make up for levitation or hands
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>The thought excited you more
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>You always did love to show off
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>Whether it was your newly bought AR-15, or your ability to manipulate beards
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>You sit at a large dining table along with Princess Luna and Princess Celestia
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>There is also the purple pony that you first saw, though she has wings this time
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>She didn't recognize you, though she did remark at your resemblance to Starswirl, whoever he is
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>Apparently his full title was "Starswirl the Bearded"
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>Maybe you could take that title
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"Anonymous the Bearded..."
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>It has a ring to it
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>"Yes Twilight, we did in fact redecorate the castle, and have you met my newest student?"
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>All eyes fell upon you as you were suddenly introduced
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>You shrank back slightly
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>She considered you her student
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>That is particularly interesting
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>For the first time in your life, you were finally important to someone, or multiple people
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>Much better than your old job at CostCo
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>"Anonymous? Twilight asked you a question."
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>Your ears perked up at that, and you stood at full attention
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>Not in that way
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"Er, yes. What was that again?"
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>Twilight was the purple pony's name
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>Twilight smiled
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>Ugh
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>"What does your cutie mark mean, if you don't mind me asking?"
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>This'll be odd to explain
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"My cutie mark? Well... I suppose you could say that it signifies my talent at beard magic!"
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>She stared at you blankly
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>Did you break her?
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"Twilight?"
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>She turned her gaze back to you and burst out laughing
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>Rude
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>"Twilight, I can assure you. It is much more interesting than you think."
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>Oh good, Celestia to the rescue
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>And here comes the food as well!
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>Chefs circled around the four of you as the deposited what looked to be caesar salad on platters
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>Celestia looked to you
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>Twilight was still laughing
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>"Go ahead and show her."
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>Mmkay
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"Yeah sure."
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>With some concentration you managed to pick up your fork with your beard
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>Twilight stopped laughing
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>Princess Luna was busy shoving her muzzle into the bowl of salad
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>It must be pretty good
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>You used your beard to shove the fork into the bowl, and you pulled it back out
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>The fork was now covered in what looked like lettuce, radish, and spinach
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>Time to munch!
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>You shoved the fork into your mouth, your mustache catching a sliver of radish on the way in
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>You pulled the fork back out slowly, still in your beard's tight grasp
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>You calmly set the fork down and munched happily on the salad
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>The ponies here sure did know how to make a good salad
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>It tasted wonderful, even without ranch dressing
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"Y'know. The chefs here sure do know how to make a good caesar salad, compliments to them, eh?"
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>Twilight has spawned a notepad and quill, and she had apprently begun to write down some stuff
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>Probably about you
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>"Yes, they are very wise in their craft! Huzzah to salad, and huzzah to the chefs!"
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>Luna shoved her face back into the salad
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>"Agreed... I suppose..."
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>Celestia glanced at you proudly, but she turned her head back to Twilight
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"They better not talk about me behind my back..."
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>You never liked that
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>It was one of the few things that set you off
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>"So Twilight. Taking notes at the dinner table again, hmm?"
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>Twilight looked up from her furious scribbling
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>"Yes! Who knew that such magic existed?!"
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>Question answered, she kept at her writing
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>An aspiration for knowledge she has
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>After some time, you had finished lunch along with the others
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>Luna sat back in her own, snoring away
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>She truly did not care
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>But that's okay
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>You sat back as well, contended as you could ever be
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>You managed to wrestle the pieces of salad that had gotten caught in your beard out
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>Such is the life of a level 3 beard wizard
by pogoman122
by pogoman122
by pogoman122
by pogoman122
by pogoman122