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What It's Like to Talk to a Drunk Pinkie Pie: A Ponk of Sand

By SuckingSocks
Created: 2024-10-19 12:26:32
Updated: 2024-12-18 20:46:15
Expiry: Never
anonpinkie piewipalcohol

  1. Started by this thread and prompt >>41493423
  2. "What kind of deranged shit would each of the Mane 6 spill out of their mouths while drunk?"
  3.  
  4. >Hey Nonny.
  5. >Do you ever think Ponies don't like you and they're just being polite?
  6. >Rainbow Dash never eating my pies has got me all kinds of messed up.
  7. >How many other ponies are just pretending to like the jokes I tell and the parties I throw just so I'LL be happy?
  8. >*Pinkie takes a swig of cider*
  9. >What if everypony only is being polite and nice to me because they know the only smiles I have are from them?
  10. >What if no pony actually really likes me?
  11. >*Pinkie's hair deflates as she rests her head on the counter*
  12. >You'd tell me the truth no matter what, right Nonny?
  13. >Even Applejack keeps secrets.
  14. >You'd tell me if you really truly promise to like me?
  15. >*Pinkie accidently grabs your arm a bit too hard before dialing down the aggression, loosening her grip and gently resting her head on it*
  16. >Please tell me you like me.
  17. >*You set down your own drink to hug your drinking friend*
  18. >Her grip tightens once again in response.
  19. >Of course I like you Pinkie. You're my friend and I love you.
  20. >*Pinkie starts to sob*
  21. >But what if you're just pretending to not hurt my feelings too?
  22. >I need to know Nonny.
  23. >*Pinkie pulls away to chug the rest of her cider*
  24. >*She makes eye contact with you, tilting her head up from below head level*
  25. >*Her breathing rate increases*
  26. >*She's about to cry again*
  27. >*She looks around for more to drink and grabs yours, downing it*
  28. >It's not enough.
  29. >*She turns around and grabs the nearest pony's drink too.*
  30. >It was Rainbow Dash's.
  31. >*Rainbow attempts to protest but falls off her chair onto the ground into a perfect spot for a nap*
  32. >*Pinkie chugs the drink again and slams it on the counter*
  33. >*She's starting to spin in her chair*
  34. >Anonnn..ny. I need to know you like me. It's really super important.
  35. >*Pinkie leans into you, partly by choice partly for balance*
  36. >She's still sniffling from before.
  37. >*She buries her face into your chest, getting tears and snot and droplets of cider clinging to her mouth all over you*
  38. >*She places her hooves on your thighs, rubbing them back and forth*
  39. >You think it's for more balance before-
  40. >*Pinkie takes a big whiff of you*
  41. >I know a way you can prove you like me.
  42. >Rarity told me that stallions can't fake it.
  43. >*Pinkie is wobbling and slurring her speech*
  44. >Oh um Pinkie. You know that's very kind of you but we've both been drinking a lot.
  45. >Nu uh. You've barely touched your ciders because I keep drinking 'em.
  46. >*Pinkie swirls her hoof around your empty mug*
  47. >So I know I can trust you to make good choices.
  48. >*Pinkie goes back to rubbing her hooves against your arm, your thigh, and her face into your chest*
  49. >Maybe you'd like to go home and get some sleep instead? You know, since I'm the one making it and that makes it a good choice.
  50. >*Pinkie sniffles again, feeling the tears swelling up from rejection*
  51. >Could you at least walk me home then? Then I'd know you're a truly honest truly good friend.
  52. >*You look around for the rest of girls to and your uncomfortable situation*
  53. >Rarity and Fluttershy were busy singing.
  54. >Twilight and AJ were having some stubborn argument.
  55. >Twilight definitely sounded like she was annoyed Applejack even has an opinion on whatever subject they were bickering about.
  56. >And Rainbow Dash was still on the floor.
  57. >*You jostle Dash with your foot*
  58. >She doesn't even open her eyes.
  59. >She just waves you away with her hoof, turning away while saying, "Go get 'em tiger."
  60. >Pinkie is about to start crying.
  61. >You take her hoof in hand.
  62. >Ok Pinkie, I'd be happy to take you home.
  63. >Pinkie's face lights up, her hair inflates even.
  64. >*Pinkie stumbles to her hooves getting off her chair and your lap*
  65. >*You help Pinkie stabilize herself*
  66. >Her legs are wobbly and wiggling.
  67. >She almost collapses.
  68. >"Oh no Anon. I've fallen and I can't get up!"
  69. >You are unsure if she's being serious.
  70. >*You pick up the little pony piggy back style*
  71. >Either way you're going to end up carrying her back to Sugarcube Corner.
  72. >No pony seems to notice the two of you leave.
  73. >Some intrusive thought in you starts to agree with Pinkie, but everypony is probably just up to their ears in booze.
  74. >It's a little chilly when you walk outside, almost time for the Running of the Leaves.
  75. >*Pinkie grips you tighter*
  76. >As you walk back, carrying the mare on your back, your rocking motions cause her to groan.
  77. >"Nonny?"
  78. >*Pinkie pukes a modest amount onto your back*
  79. >"Nevermind."
  80. >It's a warm sensation, not very pleasant.
  81. >You'll just have to wash it at her place.
  82. >The two of you reach Sugarcube.
  83. >It's not locked.
  84. >Every pony here is so trusting.
  85. >Pinkie lives on the top floor.
  86. >She can't climb the stairs herself.
  87. >*You trudge your way upstairs with Pinkie still on your back*
  88. >"Gosh Anon, you smell like somepony threw up on you."
  89. >"Yes Pinkie. Somepony did throw up on me."
  90. >"Well that was super rude of me- I mean somepony."
  91. >At long last, Pinkie Pie's bed.
  92. >But she's been rubbing against you.
  93. >And the vomit.
  94. >She needs a shower.
  95. >*You take a detour from the bed to the bathroom*
  96. >There's no need to undress her at least.
  97. >*You run the water hot for Pinkie*
  98. >It's proving difficult to lower her without getting yourself wet.
  99. >She's latching onto you and being difficult.
  100. >You give up.
  101. >Both of you are in the shower together.
  102. >You're now fully clothed and soaking wet.
  103. >Pinkie is slumped in the corner, the water enveloping her.
  104. >*You stand up to leave*
  105. >"Wait, don't go. I need your help to clean up. Get me squeaky clean will ya?"
  106. >Pinkie paws at your shins.
  107. >Her hair is starting to lose it's color and volume.
  108. >Is she doing that on command?
  109. >You are powerless against her.
  110. >*You grab a pink loofa covered in glitter and laminated confetti*
  111. >*With an extra heaping of her cotton candy scented body wash you start scrubbing her chest*
  112. >An electric shiver ripples through Pinkie's body from bottom to top.
  113. >She's humming as you scrub her.
  114. >Your hand moves further down her body, passing over her chest along get belly.
  115. >Her humming turns to moaning.
  116. >Pinkie is already clean.
  117. >"Oh Nonny. You're all wet now. You silly willy."
  118. >*She reaches forward to lift up your shirt*
  119. >You only ever wore a few outfits in a world without human physiques.
  120. >For a night of drinking you brought your classic suit and red tie.
  121. >Your jacket long since abandoned.
  122. >Now Pinkie was trying to get you to abandon your button up.
  123. >And your slacks.
  124. >"Pinkie it's alright I can wash myself."
  125. >"But it's only fair. You washed my back now I suck yours."
  126. >She is quiet for a moment while the gears grind in her head.
  127. >"Sorry I meant to say suck."
  128. >She giggles and snorts.
  129. >You were already soaked.
  130. >And you did need a shower too.
  131. >Maybe just down to your underwear.
  132. >So you two could still make good choices.
  133. >*You assist Pinkie with your undressing*
  134. >Your shirt is off and your pants are undone.
  135. >Pinkie starts caressing your chest with her hooves.
  136. >They're smooth and glide over you gently.
  137. >"Pinkie it's my back that needs cleaning."
  138. >"I know."
  139. >She doesn't stop.
  140. >She careens her head close to yours leaning in closer and closer.
  141. >Her mouth is so close to yours you can smell the alcohol coming from every heavy breath that passes through her lips.
  142. >She goes in for kill.
  143. >By the smallest distance she misses and goes right past placing her chin on your shoulder.
  144. >Along with the rest of her weight knocking you both over.
  145. >It's very obvious she's over the limit.
  146. >She's still laying against you, chin on your shoulder.
  147. >She's snoring.
  148. >Her wet mane is right in your face.
  149. >You can smell her overtly sweet scent coming off it.
  150. >A combination of all the candy and other treats she hides in it.
  151. >The smell of all the baked goods she makes.
  152. >But it also smells like her sweat.
  153. >A night of drinking and singing and dancing and crying.
  154. >Under the shower head it all mixes together as your nose is buried in it.
  155. >And you bury it deeper.
  156. >You're squeezing her close and breathing her in.
  157. >Her fuzzy body pressed against your exposed chest, with every breath of her scent you take it pushes her away as your lungs expand.
  158. >With every exhale she comes back, her body edging in closer and closer.
  159. >Filling every gap between you and her a little more each time.
  160. >"Mmm... Nonny?"
  161. >Her voice brings you back momentarily.
  162. >"Yes Pinkie?"
  163. >"I'm all partied out."
  164. >"Ok."
  165. >*You turn the water off and carefully lift Pinkie Pie up*
  166. >*With a nearby towel you quickly dry the two of you*
  167. >As soon as you're done drying her mane it re-poofs.
  168. >Finally you can lay her down to sleep.
  169. >It had gotten so late.
  170. >*You part the covers of her bed and lower Pinkie onto her sheets*
  171. >Sweet Celestia her floor feels so cold right now.
  172. >Your clothes are still sopping wet.
  173. >You'd catch pneumonia or something if you walked home in them.
  174. >Her bed looks so cozy with her in it.
  175. >"What are you waiting for numb nut? It must be freezing out there."
  176. >Pinkie hiccups as she pats an open space for you on the bed.
  177. >Your stomach feels like it has rocks tumbling around in it.
  178. >Your legs are about to give out.
  179. >*You place one hand on the bed to steady yourself*
  180. >*You place another*
  181. >"What are you doing Nonny. You can't get in like that."
  182. >"Oh my gosh I'm sorry."
  183. >Pinkie puts a hoof on your underwear.
  184. >"These are still wet silly."
  185. >Pinkie pulls them down.
  186. >"I still need you to prove you like me Nonny."
  187. >Her eyes are closed.
  188. >"Do you really like me?"
  189. >You can't seem to form any words.
  190. >But your hands start moving on their own.
  191. >*You run your hand down the side of Pinkie's face, rubbing its silhouette*
  192. >*With your other hand you hook your thumb in her mouth to open it*
  193. >Pinkie doesn't resist.
  194. >That means it's ok right?
  195. >*You climb onto the bed, kneeling in front of Pinkie*
  196. >*You arch your back over her head as you both moan*
  197. >She feels so warm.
  198. >Pinkie's motions are starting to slow down.
  199. >But you're so close.
  200. >You need this.
  201. >You want this.
  202. >You've wanted this.
  203. >*As she slows down you start rocking your hips into her*
  204. >Pinkie has stopped moving.
  205. >*You grab her mane from both sides of her head*
  206. >*You don't pull out*
  207. >After finishing you finally back off.
  208. >With her airway unblocked Pinkie is now snoring.
  209. >She's asleep.
  210. >When did she pass out?
  211. >Oh sweet Celestia.
  212. >*You start having rapid, exasperated breaths*
  213. >What have you done?
  214. >This was exactly what you were warned about in all those PSA's.
  215. >You used to make fun of people who would put themselves in these situations.
  216. >You're freaking out.
  217. >You did not make good choices.
  218. >You are not making good choices.
  219. >*You run to the bathroom to grab your clothes*
  220. >They're still damp.
  221. >It's still cold outside.
  222. >You do not care.
  223. >*You put your clothes from the bathroom on and run downstairs*
  224. >You are clumsy and uncoordinated.
  225. >You knock over something in the dark.
  226. >It makes a loud, metallic, crashing sound hitting the ground.
  227. >*You rush to open the front door*
  228. >A light flicks on somewhere behind the front counter.
  229. >Droplets of panicked sweat roll down your face and neck.
  230. >*After fumbling with the door your push your way through and slam it closed*
  231. >*You sprint home through the cold night*
  232. >Upon reaching your front door you nearly rip it off the hinges.
  233. >You almost forget to close it.
  234. >It's freezing cold, you're shivering.
  235. >No time is wasted getting into bed, your clothes come off as you hurry over to it.
  236. >Naked, cold, wet, and scared.
  237. >You're shaking under the covers, trying to not think about what you just did.
  238. >*You smother yourself in blankets*
  239. >Trying to drown out your thoughts or sudden suicidal tendencies.
  240. >It's all the liquor's fault.
  241. >Tossing and turning you eventually get to sleep.
  242.  
  243. ...
  244.  
  245. >You wake up in the late morning.
  246. >Your body aches.
  247. >There wasn't much drinking for you last night but the frantic sprint home in the cold has you feeling under the weather.
  248. >Getting out of bed is a monumental task.
  249. >What are you supposed to do?
  250. >Should you go say hi?
  251. >Should you apologize?
  252. >She came onto you so that makes it alright.
  253. >Right?
  254. >Maybe you should try marrying her.
  255. >It would be easiest to avoid her.
  256. >Your clothes from last night lay discard in a path on the floor.
  257. >Like a crumb trail leading to someone who had a hand in the cookie jar.
  258. >And you certainly stuck something in there.
  259. >If there was anything in your stomach you might puke.
  260. >*You go to the bathroom to start the morning routine*
  261. >Maybe you should just stay inside your house for the rest of your life.
  262. >You've had lots of practice.
  263. >No.
  264. >Things are different here in Equestria.
  265. >Doing the right thing is rewarded here.
  266. >Even if you were the one who caused a problem in the first place.
  267. >You don't have much of an appetite but eat breakfast anyways.
  268. >Just some toast and water.
  269. >You're gonna go to Sugarcube Corner.
  270. >You're gonna look Pinkie in the eye and tell her your sorry and Pinkie Promise to never do something like that again.
  271. >Some fresh clothes on your back and food in your belly, you head back out to Sugarcube.
  272. >Other ponies look at you as walk past them.
  273. >They're happy to see you, waving hello with their big happy eyes and their big happy smiles.
  274. >You shun them and keep moving.
  275. >Do they know?
  276. >There were so many ponies who could have seen you leave with Pinkie Pie.
  277. >Everypony knows everypony here.
  278. >Maybe Pinkie told the rest of her friends what happened.
  279. >And if Rarity or Rainbow Dash knows then everypony knows.
  280. >Was Pinkie Right?
  281. >What if everypony is just pretending to be nice to you?
  282. >You're hyperventilating again.
  283. >You pick up the pace.
  284. >Mr. and Mrs. Cake are out front when you arrive.
  285. >Looks like they're making some delivery.
  286. >"Oh Hi Anonymous. How are you-"
  287. >You ignore Mrs. Cake, going right past her.
  288. >A combination of your speed and hyperventilation has you out of breath.
  289. >*You open the door to Sugarcube*
  290. >Pinkie is behind the counter, looking right at you.
  291. >She smiles and waves.
  292. >"Hi Nonny!"
  293. >*You vomit in your mouth*
  294. >As quickly as you came you leave.
  295. >Right past Mr. and Mrs. Cake again.
  296. >Past every pony who were so pleasant to you this morning.
  297. >Back to your front door.
  298. >*You enter your home and jump back into bed to hide from the world*
  299. >Holy shit what were you thinking.
  300. >She probably hates you now.
  301. >You betrayed her trust.
  302. >The nicest pony in Ponyville.
  303. >You don't deserve such an enchanted life.
  304. >You should kill yourself now.
  305. >There's some rope in the house somewhere.
  306. >*You search your home until you find rope*
  307. >You knew this would come in handy one day.
  308. >Hmm...
  309. >*You wrap the rope around your neck and tie a shoelace knot*
  310. >This isn't quite right.
  311. >How do you tie a noose?
  312. >*You go to your kitchen and grab a toaster*
  313. >*You take it to the bathtub and run the water*
  314. >This will work.
  315. >The weight of your guilt is cold and metallic.
  316. >Like the toaster.
  317. >*You get into the tub and raise the toaster to drop*
  318. >*You close your eyes and drop it in*
  319. >The toaster makes a large plop sound and splashes water everywhere.
  320. >It sinks quickly and lands on your stomach.
  321. >It is painful.
  322. >But you are not dead.
  323. >Your toaster doesn't run on electricity, it's magical.
  324. >You feel like a loser.
  325. >Because you are one.
  326. >The toaster stays behind as you have the bathroom.
  327. >There's no way you could mess this one up.
  328. >*You go outside and climb to the roof of your house*
  329. >No one has ever survived jumping off the roof of a short building.
  330. >Still wearing your new tie, you stretch out your arms like a crucifix and leap from your roof.
  331. >"Whoa dude!"
  332. >Before you have time to inevitably regret your fall a nearby pegasus catches you.
  333. >"Oh. Hi Rainbow Shine."
  334. >"You gotta be more careful. Take care now!"
  335. >She sets you down gently and smiles and waves as she flies away.
  336. >This is impossible.
  337. >*You go back inside*
  338. >Somehow soaking wet again.
  339. >You'll just stay here forever, learning to photosynthesize when the food runs out.
  340. >*You remove your wet clothes again and crawl back into bed*
  341. >You're such a retard.
  342. >The minutes whittle away from where you're laying.
  343. >Time flies on by.
  344. >You try to sleep to make time pass quicker but it's to no effect.
  345. >You close your eyes and it feels like time has gone in reverse.
  346. >Hunger creeps into your consciousness.
  347. >Starving yourself to death is an option.
  348. >*You go to the kitchen and rummage around*
  349. >Fried oats, dried oats, or oatmeal.
  350. >Oh boy.
  351. >*You start the stove for some oatmeal*
  352. >A knock at your door interrupts you.
  353. >Who could it ever be?
  354. >*You take a look through the peephole*
  355. >There's no one there.
  356. >*You take a look through the pony height peephole*
  357. >It's Pinkie Pie.
  358. >"Nonny! Nonny, I need to talk to you!"
  359. >*Your heart sinks and you flee from the front door*
  360. >Just pretend she's not there.
  361. >She's definitely come to kill you.
  362. >The stove is still on.
  363. >*You go to finish making your oatmeal*
  364. >Another knock.
  365. >"Nonny! I am super duper one hundred percent serious not silly right now!"
  366. >Pinkie has her face pressed up against your kitchen window.
  367. >Just ignore her and she'll go away.
  368. >*You go to your fridge to get some milk*
  369. >"ANONYMOUS!"
  370. >Pinkie Pie is inside of your fridge
  371. >Your limitless condiments and singular carton of milk spill out onto the floor as Pinkie takes up too much space.
  372. >The sudden shock causes you to recoil backwards and lose balance.
  373. >Your head hits something behind you.
  374. >Hard.
  375. >Everything goes black.
  376. >You awake in a hospital bed.
  377. >The first thing you see is Pinkie Pie's worried face.
  378. >About 2 inches from yours.
  379. >"Pinkie darling, give the boy some room to breathe."
  380. >"Oh. Sorry."
  381. >Pinkie says with a guilty smile, backing away from you.
  382. >With your view unobstructed you can see the whole gang now.
  383. >Rainbow, Twilight, Rarity, Flutters, AJ, and of course Pinkie.
  384. >They were all staring at you.
  385. >They all look concerned.
  386. >Twilight speaks up.
  387. >"Pinkie told us all you were acting strange. You were sick and running scared from her and everypony. Then you hit your head so hard you lost consciousness."
  388. >"Uh uh. So I brought you here to get you all better then got all our friends together to come see you and make sure you're ok."
  389. >They all nod and smile between each other.
  390. >"Or at least us because the nurses said I was only allowed to bring five other visitors otherwise it would become a fire hazard and-"
  391. >Twilight begins the interrogation.
  392. >"So tell us Anonymous. What has got you avoiding your friends? You know that we are always here for you no matter what."
  393. >All the mares lean in to show their genuine concern and care for you.
  394. >You no longer have the capacity to run away, or throw up, or hide.
  395. >You have been cornered by kindness.
  396. >What should you do?
  397. >"I-I'm just very embarrassed to say."
  398. >"Aw come on dude. You can totally tell us whatever it is. So hurry it up-"
  399. >Rainbow Dash's brashness catches the ire strangely of Pinkie.
  400. >She glares at her with fire in her eyes.
  401. >"I mean, take as long as you need to tell us."
  402. >Rainbow laughs it off.
  403. >"I'd really like if I could just be alone for now."
  404. >Your friends all look at each other and pass messages through their eyes and such.
  405. >They know better than to force anypony into doing something they don't want to do.
  406. >"Ok Anon."
  407. >The six ponies leave.
  408. >You wonder if the windows are locked and what floor you're on.
  409. >*You look at the door*
  410. >*You look back at the windows*
  411. >Hmm.
  412. >*You lift up the sheets*
  413. >Pinkie Pie has somehow been hiding underneath them.
  414. >She instantly places a hoof over your mouth for practical effect.
  415. >She places her other front hoof over her mouth for a metaphorical one.
  416. >"Don't scream."
  417. >Inside you are most certainly screaming.
  418. >"Nonny. I am going to remove my hoof ok? And you're not gonna freak out ok?"
  419. >*You nod your head yes*
  420. >Pinkie takes her hoof off you.
  421. >Your body obeys her command.
  422. >Crocodile tears burst forth from Pinkie's eyes.
  423. >She lunges forward to grab you in a needy hug.
  424. >"Nonnnnnny!"
  425. >Here it comes.
  426. >"Did I hurt you last night?"
  427. >"Huh?"
  428. >"I'm sorrrrryyyy! I don't remember what I did to hurt you last night so badly that you hate me now!"
  429. >"How... how much do you remember?"
  430. >She quickly wipes the snot and tears away with a hoof.
  431. >"I remember you were being so nice to me and took me home to Sugarcube. I remember being really dizzy and getting really sick. All over you."
  432. >"Go on."
  433. >"Then it gets really fuzzy. I was super sleepy. I thought I did something that you really liked as a way to thank you. I thought you really liked it."
  434. >The dams on her tear ducts break down again
  435. >Neighagra Falls spew forth from her.
  436. >"But you must have hated iiiiitt! Because now you hate meeee!"
  437. >She must not remember.
  438. >Wow you really did take advantage of your friend.
  439. >But if she can't remember it then it can't actually hurt her right?
  440. >The truth sure would.
  441. >"Uhm, Pinkie."
  442. >She snorts back the snot this time.
  443. >"Yeah?"
  444. >"I don't hate you."
  445. >"You don't?"
  446. >A smile appears on her face covered in several fluids.
  447. >"Of course not. You're the best pony in all of Equestria."
  448. >"I am?"
  449. >You take a page from her vocabulary.
  450. >"Indeedy."
  451. >She takes the pristine white blankets and smushes them into her face, wiping away all the sadness.
  452. >Pinkie comes in for another hug, less desperate and more relieved.
  453. >Happy even.
  454. >"So, what did happen last night?"
  455. >"I don't remember."
  456. >Prison's too good for you.
  457. >"I'm really sorry Pinkie.
  458. >Hanging's too good for you.
  459. >"I thought that I did something that you hated. That's why I was so scared when I saw you."
  460. >You should be fed to Timber Wolves piece by piece.
  461. >"But now I'm sure whatever happened was just so much fun neither of us can remember."
  462. >May Celestia have mercy on your soul.
  463. >Pinkie hops off the bed and does her usual bouncing up and down routine.
  464. >"Of course! That makes perfect sense. We had a fun blackout! I really need to curb how much fun I have sometimes. Otherwise I'll never remember just how much fun I had."
  465. >What a weight lifted off you.
  466. >You stand up from the bed.
  467. >Pinkie Pie snickers and slaps you on the ass.
  468. >"Nice outfit Nonny."
  469. >*You jump and reflexively cover your backside*
  470. >You're wearing a couple hospital gowns that were tied together to fit you.
  471. >Despite the efforts of the staff ponies your butt is still exposed.
  472. >Maybe it was on purpose, maybe it's just a rule of the clothing.
  473. >A fresh set of clothes were prepared for you, sitting on a nearby chair.
  474. >No doubt by your good friend Pinkie.
  475. >*You look the clothing then at Pinkie*
  476. >She looks at you expectantly, waiting.
  477. >"Pinkie, would you mind?"
  478. >"Hmm?"
  479. >She looks at confused, empty even.
  480. >*You motion to the chair and then to yourself"
  481. >"Privacy?"
  482. >"Oh. Ha ha. Right."
  483. >She turns around.
  484. >She is still standing there.
  485. >With her back facing you.
  486. >With her shapely, round backside facing you.
  487. >You've always paid attention to it.
  488. >But something about it feels different now.
  489. >You blush.
  490. >Before things get too upright you scramble for your garments.
  491. >Pinkie Pie giggles at the sounds of your struggles.
  492. >Normally it would be good natured ribbing.
  493. >Again it feels different.
  494. >This is all in your head.
  495. >She's just being herself and nothing is out of the ordinary.
  496. >*You finish getting dressed and walk out with Pinkie*
  497. >The receptionist at the front is friendly when checking you out.
  498. >They don't even charge you a dime.
  499. >Not that it matters.
  500. >Equestrian economics don't make and sense to you.
  501. >Like it's all a bunch of children playing pretend.
  502. >*You leave through the front doors with Pinkie*
  503. >"Are you sure you're ok Nonny? Because I can tell Mrs. and Mr. Cake that a friend needs help and they'll say 'But Pinkie you've missed three shifts this week for different friendship problems and that big monster and then there was the "'Thanks Big Monster For Not Destroying Ponyville Party'" you had to throw' and then I'll say-"
  504. >"Pinkie. It's fine. I'm fine. Honestly. Just need to get something to eat that stays in my stomach."
  505. >"Okie dokie. I guess I'll get back to work then. The cakes are probably just crazy looking for me again."
  506. >Pinkie starts hopping away.
  507. >She pauses to look at you.
  508. >"Oh I almost forgot. Thanks for being a good friend Anon."
  509. >"You too."
  510. >Pinkie skips away.
  511. >You are left alone finally.
  512. >There's a nearby bench placed neatly under a tree.
  513. >*You go over and sit down, your head in your hands with elbows resting on your thighs*
  514. >What are you doing?
  515. >You've gotten away it.
  516. >How are you supposed to look at any of your friends the same way?
  517. >Maybe you should skip town and make some new friends.
  518. >Adopt a new identity.
  519. >Wait a minute.
  520. >Aren't you late for work?
  521. >You were.
  522. >Without another thought you rushed off to your job.
  523. >Finding employment in a pony dominated world was harder than you thought.
  524. >Pegasi were faster than you.
  525. >Earth ponies were stronger.
  526. >Anything you thought your dextrous hands would be good for were blown away by unicorn magic.
  527. >And all three ponies had more endurance than you.
  528. >Thankfully there was still a place for ponies, uh creatures like you.
  529. >A job for the most useless Equestrian society has to offer.
  530. >Practically a daycare for adults.
  531. >"Hello Anon oh muss!"
  532. >"Hi Derpy."
  533. >The post office.
  534. >When you arrive Derpy Hooves, the cute grey mare that she is, was dealing with an upset customer.
  535. >A customer who was only more upset when Derpy interrupted her to say hi to you.
  536. >*You walk past Derpy to the locker rooms*
  537. >Your uniform is stashed here.
  538. >Everypony's was, you all couldn't be trusted to remember to bring them.
  539. >Next to your locker was another coworker of yours, Partin Parcel.
  540. >An earth pony and fellow stallion of the glamorous Equestrian Postal Service.
  541. >He was struggling to get his uniform on.
  542. >He had been struggling for a while.
  543. >*You help him get the shirt over his head*
  544. >"Thanks Anon."
  545. >"Don't mention it."
  546. >"I swear one day I'll get this figured out."
  547. >"If you ever do I'll be out of a job. Derpy will realize I don't do anything else around here."
  548. >Partin laughs.
  549. >*You put on your uniform effortlessly*
  550. >"Hey, Anon."
  551. >Partin leans in as he says, tilting his head in time with your name.
  552. >"Hey, Partin."
  553. >You do the same to him.
  554. >"What would you do if, hypothetically, I was hiding in your locker and right as you opened it I jumped out and kissed you on the lips. What would you do?"
  555. >"Do I have time to react?"
  556. >The two of you saunter over to the sorting room.
  557. >"No. You only realize what happened after."
  558. >"Does anyone else see this?"
  559. >Derpy comes by and tells you both you're doing a great job.
  560. >Partin waits for her to leave.
  561. >"No. It's super fast like a quick peck and then I gallop away."
  562. >"I find you and confront you about it."
  563. >Some packages end up in the wrong sorting bins as you talk.
  564. >"I deny the whole thing. I act like it never happened."
  565. >Partin and you laugh about the absurdness of your conversation.
  566. >Although for some reason his responses resonate with you.
  567. >You and your coworker whittle away the time in the back room.
  568. >More silly hypotheticals are asked both ways.
  569. >It feels like no time at all before Derpy comes back to announce everypony's lunch break.
  570. >Together you all go to the break room to eat.
  571. >Despite there being tables and chairs Partin and Derpy sit on the floor to eat.
  572. >Oh no.
  573. >You have forgotten to pack a lunch in the commotion from this morning.
  574. >*You get up to leave the building*
  575. >Going out for lunch will suffice.
  576.  
  577. ...
  578.  
  579. >"You too."
  580. >The last words spoken by your green friend as you bounce away.
  581. >You bounce and boing and four legged pogo away until you're out of sight and sound.
  582. >Then you sit.
  583. >Back to the wall of a lovely cottage.
  584. >Was the bit about the Cakes too wordy?
  585. >Could Nonny tell everything you were going for?
  586. >He didn't laugh but as long as he was entertained it's alright.
  587. >Not every joke or gag can be a gut buster.
  588. >Your hair starts vibrating.
  589. >Must be one of the Cakes.
  590. >*You pull the tip of your curly mane as far out as you can with your flat smooth hoof*
  591. >It pulls the rest of you with it, scrunching up your whole body like a spring through a pinkhole.
  592. >It's like a wormhole but only when it's funny.
  593. >At least you hope so.
  594. >You're not really sure how it all works.
  595. >You just know that your body tells you to do things and you do them.
  596. >You appear in a broom closet that is being opened.
  597. >Confetti bursts out with you.
  598. >That's not part of the pinkhole.
  599. >You set that up yourself manually.
  600. >Mrs. Cake is the recipient of your surprise.
  601. >Mrs. Cake gently shrieks.
  602. >It turns to laughter.
  603. >Nailed it.
  604. >"Oh my goodness. You really gave me quite the scare."
  605. >You give your employer a big close eyed smile.
  606. >Mrs. Cake reaches past you to grab a broom from the closet.
  607. >"Would you mind?"
  608. >She motions to a mess of cupcakes in the front of the store.
  609. >Probably some foals getting overexcited.
  610. >She also motions to the confetti you got everywhere.
  611. >"No problem Mrs. C."
  612. >You get back to work, sweeping up baked sweets with the broom and the vacuuming up the confetti with your tail.
  613. >Have you seen the price of party supplies lately?
  614. >Even you have to reuse whatever you can.
  615. >*You finish cleaning and go back to running the register*
  616. >Ponies pour in in waves.
  617. >A whole family coming in for an afternoon treat.
  618. >Groups of filly friends with some pocket change looking to maximize their sugar to bits ratio.
  619. >A couple of stallions who neither of which knew what to get their sweet sweethearts.
  620. >You attend to each and every pony perfectly.
  621. >You know exactly what to get for each one.
  622. >Every single need, want, and unknown desire answered.
  623. >Everypony leaves satisfied.
  624. >It makes you happy to see them smile in validation.
  625. >But it makes you think.
  626. >That most dangerous of activities.
  627. >It makes you doubt.
  628. >You have a free moment in-between the ponies coming in.
  629. >"Hey Mrs. Cake?"
  630. >"Oh yes dear?"
  631. >"Do you ever do stuff with Mr. Cake? Like while after having a few teeny tiny chugs of cider?"
  632. >"Of course. We love to take the kids out and get some for the whole family when the Apples make the stuff."
  633. >*You shake your head*
  634. >"No no no. I'm talking about the stuff you can get absolutely silly on."
  635. >Mrs. Cake looks perplexed at you.
  636. >"You know, like the kind of cider you don't give to babies?"
  637. >"Oh. Well I suppose that is different."
  638. >Mrs. Cake plants herself down on a chair.
  639. >Her eyes trail off towards the kitchen where her hubby is diligently baking.
  640. >"Well sometimes we like to get a bit loopy when we have date nights."
  641. >"Uh huh. Do you ever get so 'loopy' you forget just how loopy you were?"
  642. >"Celestia not in a long time."
  643. >"But when you did, did you ever feel like it wasn't a good idea?"
  644. >"Hmm. Well I only ever did it with someone I trust. Like my studly stallion over there."
  645. >"So you weren't afraid you might hurt him?"
  646. >"Not at all. As long as I was with him I knew it was gonna be fine."
  647. >Mrs. Cake whistles and blows a kiss at her husband in the other room.
  648. >He blushes back at her and pretends to catch it.
  649. >"And I'm not ashamed to tell ya that he really knows how to cut loose."
  650. >Mrs. and Mr. Cake were making more and more obscene faces at each other.
  651. >Isn't it lovely to see two consenting adults loving each other.
  652. >Hmm.
  653. >You can't shake the feeling that Anon still feels bad about last night.
  654. >You don't know why.
  655. >Maybe you should take a page from the loving wife pantomiming the act of churning butter and have some more to drink with Nonny.
  656. >Let him know he can trust you.
  657. >He says he had fun even if he doesn't remember.
  658. >If only you could remember what it was you did.
  659. >You check your hoof watch which you never put on but is.
  660. >Just about lunch time.
  661. >"Idea."
  662. >*You violently throw the watch off in a random direction*
  663. >"Hey Mrs. C, I'm gonna leave for my lunch ok."
  664. >"Sure sure Pinkie. Whatever. Just lock the door on your way out."
  665. >Mrs. Cake isn't even paying attention.
  666. >She was too busy taking off her apron heading towards the kitchen.
  667. >*You do as she says and lock up the shop when you leave*
  668. >Sounds like the Cakes are really baking in there now.
  669. >Your hair isn't moving at all.
  670. >Darn, that would have been really convenient right now.
  671. >Looks like you'll be walking to the Post Office.
  672. >Trotting through the town is pleasant.
  673. >Everypony is always so happy to see you.
  674. >Whenever you need something it just works out for you.
  675. >A pony moping around and you've got just the thing for them.
  676. >Not that you don't work hard at it all the time, all the manual preparation, all the brainstorming what ponies like.
  677. >Sometimes though you don't remember getting a certain gift for certain ponies.
  678. >Like the universe just knows you're here to help and helps you.
  679. >*You reach the post office*
  680. >So why can't the universe help you right now?
  681. >It is closed for lunch.
  682. >*You look around you to see if anypony is watching*
  683. >There isn't.
  684. >*You start yanking and pulling on the door*
  685. >It won't budge.
  686. >Huffing and puffing with frustration.
  687. >There's a trick that usually works.
  688. >*You move to a nearby window that you can see somepony eating*
  689. >*You pick up a rock*
  690. >*You lean back to throw it*
  691. >Really as far back as you can, getting off your hooves and balancing on your tail as you build up all that leverage and power.
  692. >Wait a minute.
  693. >Is that Partin in there?
  694. >Why isn't Nonny eating with him?
  695. >Your hair starts vibrating.
  696. >Looks like the joke is on you this time.
  697. >*You drop the rock and pull your hair*
  698.  
  699. ...
  700.  
  701. >"Can I get uhh..."
  702. >The mare Carrot Bun looks at you dead inside.
  703. >After leaving the Post Office you have been staring at the menu for food that ninety nine percent of you can't eat.
  704. >Carrot Bun blinks one eye at a time, very slowly.
  705. >She was gonna be a rockstar, she was gonna be famous.
  706. >You finally order a potato burger.
  707. >Extra sauce.
  708. >Buttery crispy buns.
  709. >A nice big, juicy, golden patty.
  710. >It comes in a neat little cardboard box.
  711. >*You open the box*
  712. >"SURPRISE!"
  713. >Defying the space around her Pinkie's face meets yours.
  714. >You are taken aback gracefully.
  715. >Right onto the ground, dropping your Pinkie Meal.
  716. >She forces her face from the way to small box.
  717. >It squishes and stretches her like a latex glove.
  718. >But she pops out full size and fine just like always.
  719. >The cashier Carrot Bun smirks at your near heart attack and tumble to the floor.
  720. >She will remember this.
  721. >"Hi Nonny."
  722. >"Hi Pinkie."
  723. >"I've come here to ask you something super duper important."
  724. >"Does it have anything to do with food?"
  725. >"Kinda. Do you wanna come out with me and get some more cider tonight? Think of it as a 'Thanks For Being a Good Friend Party'. But a small one. And Twilight and Rarity and AJ and all our friends will come too so you know you can trust me."
  726. >She still thinks she's at fault.
  727. >You already got away once.
  728. >Just tell her no and you're sorry.
  729. >"Pinkie. I don't know. It's just that..."
  730. >She looks like she's about to cry.
  731. >Well, you do owe it to her to at least show her a better night than last time.
  732. >"Ok Pinkie. I'd love to."
  733. >Those little confetti cannons and horns that seem to follow her everywhere sound off as she bounces with glee.
  734. >"Great. Just really great. Come see me after work?"
  735. >*You half heartedly mid while turning your attention*
  736. >*You look into the discarded burger box*
  737. >There is nothing left for you to eat.
  738. >Pinkie stops bouncing.
  739. >She reaches into her hair and rummages around.
  740. >Really just digging in there, elbow deep.
  741. >She pulls out your burger and gives it to you.
  742. >"Thanks Pinkie."
  743. >Pinkie winks at you and little sparkles come out of the thin air next to her eyes.
  744. >What a mare.
  745. >She bounces away, leaving you alone on the ground with your lunch.
  746. >That's where you enjoy it too, on the ground.
  747. >"That's right you animal. Eat it."
  748. >Carrot Bun is smiling as she whispers that a little too loud.
  749. >Regardless, you don't stop eating.
  750.  
  751. ...
  752.  
  753. >It's just about quitting time.
  754. >You and Partin were finishing up a hypothetical about taking a dump on Derpy's desk.
  755. >Not that she would ever deserve such treatment.
  756. >Derpy is the nicest boss you've ever had.
  757. >But really, what IF Partin walked in with Derpy and you were just dropping trou on her workspace?
  758. >No satisfactory answer is reached between the two of you.
  759. >You'll have to reconvene next time.
  760. >You and Partin take off your uniforms in record time.
  761. >As you two are walking out you see Derpy still struggling with hers.
  762. >She'll be fine, probably won't even miss dinner time with Dinky.
  763. >Partin and you wave goodbye and part ways.
  764. >Pinkie should be at Sugarcube.
  765. >You could just go home and tell her you were feeling ill.
  766. >Tell her you forgot you had a prior engagement.
  767. >That one always works for Rarity.
  768. >In for a penny in for a pound.
  769. >You turn towards Sugarcube and start walking.
  770. >What if Pinkie has to cancel?
  771. >You could feign your disappointment and then go home and be alone.
  772. >Something deep inside of you still tells you to do that, there's always a need to hide deep down.
  773. >Even in this picturesque town of friendly faces.
  774. >You're back at Sugarcube Corner.
  775. >Again.
  776. >*You walk up to the door*
  777. >You're thinking about calling in at the last moment.
  778. >*You knock once on the door*
  779. >Why are you knocking?
  780. >It's a business you could just walk in
  781. >It doesn't really matter however.
  782. >Within two shakes of a fly's wings the door swings open.
  783. >Pinkie was eagerly waiting to greet you.
  784. >She leaps up to hug you.
  785. >Gosh she's so warm and smells so good.
  786. >"I'm so glad you came Nonny!"
  787. >"Me too."
  788. >She let's go of you and plops onto the ground.
  789. >The both of you stare at each other.
  790. >"Well let's get going then yeah?"
  791. >"Indeedy."
  792. >Pinkie and you start down together towards the bar.
  793. >Recently opened by Berry Punch.
  794. >She came upon a sizeable sum of bits after winning her identity theft lawsuit against Berryshine.
  795. >Some of the more, honest ponies in town have been making wagers how long it'll last before she drinks herself out of business.
  796. >If such a thing as bankruptcy could exist here.
  797. >Should that ever came close at least six other ponies would all band together to save the business somehow with a song.
  798. >Your absent minded daydreaming has caused you to tune out most of Pinkie's rambling.
  799. >"And then she started pumping the cream with her hooves like this."
  800. >That does make you laugh.
  801. >You have arrived.
  802. >You enter through the threshold first.
  803. >Most ponies don't seem to notice.
  804. >When Pinkie enters everypony erupts in cheerful greetings.
  805. >"Pinkie!"
  806. >And this mare thinks these ponies are bluffing?
  807. >You're at least spotted by a blue and yellow pair.
  808. >Fluttershy and Rainbow Dash have made it out tonight.
  809. >They wave you over with big smiles.
  810. >Pinkie and you wade through the crowd of ponies to your close friends, sitting at the bar itself.
  811. >These ponies, it's like they have no sense of self control.
  812. >They drink because it feels good and they just follow that impulse.
  813. >It's always packed in here.
  814. >"What's up slackers?"
  815. >Rainbow dash sounds thoroughly sloshed already.
  816. >"Check out this new thing that I can, I can do."
  817. >Rainbow bites a hole into a can of Horse Lite.
  818. >She opens the can normally and chugs it straight from the hole, all in one gulp.
  819. >When she finishes she crushes the can on her forehead.
  820. >Judging from the specks of blood and bruises she has been getting lots of practice.
  821. >"Isn't that so awesome? You can drink it even faster!"
  822. >"Oh yeah. It's called shotgunning."
  823. >"There's a name for it?!"
  824. >Rainbow Dash is flabbergasted.
  825. >Pinkie notices Fluttershy.
  826. >"You alright there?"
  827. >She asks while getting in between Flutters and Dash.
  828. >Flutteryshy is hiding in her hair.
  829. >It's covering her whole face, her front hooves keeping it in place.
  830. >Pinkie Pie lacks respect for personal boundaries.
  831. >She parts the yellow pegasus's hair to reveal her face.
  832. >Behind the curtain is a very red and very happy looking mare.
  833. >"H-hi Pinkie."
  834. >Rainbow Dash leans over Pinkie's shoulder interjecting herself.
  835. >"Hey Flutters. Hey, hey, hey Flutters. Flutters!"
  836. >"Hmm?"
  837. >"Show them that thing you learned."
  838. >"Rainbow Dash. It's embarrassing."
  839. >"Don't sweat it. I'll do you this time."
  840. >"I guess we can do one more."
  841. >Rainbow grabs a bottle of Apple whiskey while Fluttershy fixes her hair to be behind her head, out of the way.
  842. >Dash signals for you and Pinkie to give some room.
  843. >Fluttershy presses her front legs together, right up against her neck.
  844. >Rainbow starts pouring the whiskey onto her friend.
  845. >Right in the little pocket she's made between her forelegs and beneath her throat.
  846. >Without any tact or grace Rainbow dives her face right in it and slurps every last drop.
  847. >She even starts to sucks up the moisture from Fluttershy's coat.
  848. >"Oh dear."
  849. >"Can't waste a single drop my fine feathered friend."
  850. >You are now the flabbergasted one.
  851. >Pinkie has a smile from ear to ear on her face.
  852. >"Holy Celestia Fluttershy! Where did you learn about that?"
  853. >"Um, I saw it in a manga."
  854. >"A what now?"
  855. >"It was a comic book."
  856. >Fluttershy recedes back to her hair fortress.
  857. >"Well wherever you saw it it looks like fun. I wanna try it too."
  858. >Rainbow perks up again at the thought of more drinking.
  859. >"You got it Pinkie."
  860. >Rainbow grabs the whiskey again and gets ready to pour it on Pinkie's neck.
  861. >"Wait. I wanna do it with Anon."
  862. >"Oh yeah yeah I get ya."
  863. >Rainbow smiles smugly and elbow nudges her pink friend in the side.
  864. >"Ha ha."
  865. >You think it sounds like fun too.
  866. >Even if you're not particularly fond of shots.
  867. >She's offering you while completely sober.
  868. >So that makes it definitely okay this time.
  869. >"I'm game Ponka."
  870. >"Sweet."
  871. >Pinkie takes the bottle from Dash who keeps giving you both a playful side eye.
  872. >*You scooch closer to Pinkie*
  873. >She scooches closer to you.
  874. >The two of you lock eyes for a moment.
  875. >Pinkie pours the whiskey down your chest.
  876. >"Nonny! You're supposed to squeeze your arms together!"
  877. >"Pinkie! Damn it!"
  878. >*You stand up from your chair as the liquid spills down your front*
  879. >You just can't escape fluids getting all over you around this filly.
  880. >"Rainbow could ya help a girl out here?"
  881. >"No problem."
  882. >Rainbow hovers behind you and puts her front hooves on your arms.
  883. >She pushes them together and tilts your chest up.
  884. >"Hey!"
  885. >Pinkie hops in her seat, scraping the barstool along the ground.
  886. >She gets right up next to you and stands up on her hindlegs.
  887. >"You gotta do it like this Nonny."
  888. >Pinkie pulls away your shirt to reveal your feeble pecs.
  889. >It's not that you haven't tried exercising it's just that it takes up so much time.
  890. >And then you've gotta start dieting around it and eating at certain times.
  891. >Really just a big hassle honestly.
  892. >Pinkie interrupts your mental excuses with a second pour of the alcohol onto you.
  893. >There's not a lot of volume for it to build up.
  894. >Again, you've totally tried it's just too inconvenient.
  895. >Pinkie doesn't seem to mind.
  896. >She leans forward and sips from your natural cup.
  897. >There's not a lot of it, but she drinks it slowly and savors the flavor in every drop.
  898. >"Mmm, juicy."
  899. >Rainbow Dash slaps you on the back.
  900. >"Way to go stud."
  901. >You did enjoy Pinkie's forwardness this time.
  902. >Although something about it felt strange, different than her usual antics.
  903. >Don't think anything of it.
  904. >"Excuse me bartender, I would like to get your biggest and most flavorful drink. A round for everypony!"
  905. >Pinkie orders something she doesn't even know what it is.
  906. >She has ordered it for every patron in the bar even.
  907. >Berry Punch from behind the counter salutes Pinkie's dedication.
  908. >Causing her to almost lose her balance on three legs.
  909. >The drunken mare ducks underneath her counter.
  910. >Sounds of bottles clinking nonstop can be heard.
  911. >Pinkie starts to lean over to see for herself.
  912. >That's right when Berry comes back out with a hoofful of ingredients.
  913. >Liquors you've never heard of, syrups and sugary mixers, assorted fruits, a calzone.
  914. >She's making one of these for everypony?
  915. >She sure is.
  916. >Berry mixes each drink with the utmost skill and grace, the same mare who was falling over moments ago.
  917. >They're mixed into these large punch bowl style containers.
  918. >Decorated with fruit and the pizza burrito.
  919. >She keeps pulling more and more out from under the counter.
  920. >How does he have all that room down there?
  921. >How much is this costing Pinkie?
  922. >How does it taste?
  923. >Ponies start coming up to the counter to collect their drinks.
  924. >"Why doncha put it on my tab Berry?"
  925. >Berry Punch nods enthusiastically at Pinkie.
  926. >*You go up to get yours*
  927. >When you look down at your refreshment it's bubbling.
  928. >Not like carbonation but more like a swamp.
  929. >It's changing colors in front of you.
  930. >But it does smell oddly alluring.
  931. >*You pick up the cauldron of booze*
  932. >Just the vapors coming off it are enough to get someone intoxicated.
  933. >Looking over at Pinkie she has her drink in hoof.
  934. >She gives you a wink before diving her head into it, gulping it down.
  935. >"Hey uh, Berry? Could I have a-"
  936. >Berry is an experienced drinker and anticipates your needs.
  937. >She places a pink silly straw in your bowl.
  938. >"Thank you very much."
  939. >*You take in the smell one more time before taking a sip*
  940. >It tastes like a skunk sprayed in your mouth.
  941. >Then it tastes like perfume.
  942. >Rubbing alcohol, a burning sensation, liquid screaming.
  943. >But then it tastes different.
  944. >It tastes like sweetness, like pixie sticks, like cupcakes and pastries and cheese danishes.
  945. >It becomes smoother as your throat relaxes and drinks more.
  946. >The painful sting you usually get in the back of your throat fades away.
  947. >You just want to keep gulping more and more down your throat.
  948. >It tastes and smells familiar to you.
  949. >Almost like sweat after a long night.
  950. >But not yours, somepony you know.
  951. >You can't stop taking it all in.
  952. >Before you know it, it's gone.
  953. >Even the calzone.
  954. >Your whole body feels heavy and loose, sloppy.
  955. >Turning around to see your friends you find Rainbow and Flutters are on the floor.
  956. >They're giggling as they boop each other back and forth.
  957. >"Rainbow Dash?"
  958. >Your words come out slurred, but she still hears them.
  959. >As she turns her head to look at you her whole body follows.
  960. >She spins out of control and falls with her back flat.
  961. >Fluttershy who was mid boop misses her mark completely, causing her to lose her balance as well and fall onto your blue friend.
  962. >They're still giggling.
  963. >Every pony in the room is going through similar motions.
  964. >They are all getting very emotional, very touchy feely, very happy, and very sad.
  965. >Mares and stallions moving every which way all at the same time and knocking into each other and scattered furniture.
  966. >Was there music before?
  967. >Who did you come with?
  968. >"Hey."
  969. >*You turn towards the pony beckoning you*
  970. >"Oh. Hi. Pinkie."
  971. >She looks like she's glowing.
  972. >You can smell her from your seat, or is it the alcohol on your lips wafting up as you breathe.
  973. >She reminds you a lot of the concoction you just had.
  974. >"You want another round?"
  975. >"Mhm."
  976. >Pinkie orders another drink for the both of you.
  977. >It is thankfully not the same one from before.
  978. >There's no way Berry could even have enough supplies left to make more.
  979. >A quaint little glass is placed before you and Pinkie.
  980. >It's a pink drink obviously.
  981. >Smells of gin and cherries.
  982. >You get the feeling you're supposed to sip on this sort of thing.
  983. >*You take your glass and raise it up*
  984. >Just the smell of alcohol usually makes you dizzy.
  985. >*You put your lips to the rim and taste it*
  986. >Smooth as water.
  987. >"Don't be silly Nonny, like this."
  988. >Pinkie puts her hoof under the base of your drink and tilts it up, forcing it all into your mouth.
  989. >You can't help but swallow it all.
  990. >"That's more like it!"
  991. >Pinkie does the same for her own, taking it all in one chug.
  992. >It feels like a rock in your stomach.
  993. >Sending tingles all up and down your body, if you still had hair it would be tingling right now.
  994. >"More! Lets do shots!"
  995. >Pinkie was just getting started.
  996. >She makes you keep up with every pint, every car bomb, every flagon.
  997. >Before long, everything seems blurry to you now.
  998. >Everything, but Pinkie.
  999. >When you look at her it's like she's outlined.
  1000. >She's so pretty.
  1001. >You've been laughing and talking with her all night.
  1002. >Telling her the funny conversations you have with your coworkers while she tells you about the crazy customers who come in to Sugarcube.
  1003. >Both of you laugh at every sentence even when it's not funny.
  1004. >She doesn't seem to mind.
  1005. >"Hey Nonny?"
  1006. >"Yeah Pinkie?"
  1007. >"Do you ever wonder who would find your body first if you died suddenly one day? Who would notice you're missing first?"
  1008. >"You have a habit of checking up on me. So I guess it would be you."
  1009. >"Would you find me Nonny?"
  1010. >"I don't... yeah Pinkie of course."
  1011. >"Thanks."
  1012. >Pinkie and you have been throwing them back all night.
  1013. >But these next ones go down differently.
  1014. >They're heavier, harder to swallow.
  1015. >You might just be at your limit, you might be way past it.
  1016. >Every blink feels longer and longer, time skips by as your eyes water.
  1017. >It's time for another round.
  1018. >The drinks flow like rivers.
  1019. >Sometimes they're calm and fresh, sometimes they're topped with white foam.
  1020. >A PSA from your youth springs to mind, words like "liver disease" and "organ failure" come up.
  1021. >It's time to stop.
  1022. >*You look over at Pinkie*
  1023. >She's just as bad off as you are.
  1024. >Most of the other ponies are doing swell either.
  1025. >Several of them have fallen to the floor to sleep or at least nap.
  1026. >Including Rainbow Dash, again, and this time Fluttershy as well.
  1027. >If somepony had walked in for this very moment they might have confused this night time debauchery with a mass suicide event.
  1028. >"Hey Pinkie?"
  1029. >She doesn't legibly respond, a sort of grunt and muffled lip blowing sound comes out.
  1030. >"Let's get outta here."
  1031. >She nods her head and smiles.
  1032. >The pair of you stumble outside.
  1033. >There's still sounds of laughter and crying coming from inside as you turn your backs on the bar.
  1034. >The good times never end around here.
  1035. >Pinkie looks like she needs help again moving forward, but so do you.
  1036. >"Need a lift?"
  1037. >"Yeah..."
  1038. >The words come out so slurred from both of you.
  1039. >She can't even hop onto your back to get up.
  1040. >Pinkie jumps at your back but without enough height ends up pushing you over.
  1041. >Now she is able to clamber on to your back as you hold yourself up on all fours.
  1042. >"Onward my loyal steed!"
  1043. >*You imitate a horse whinnying"
  1044. >It makes Pinkie Pie laugh.
  1045. >A nearby pony doesn't find it as funny.
  1046. >They scoff at your, perceived by them, open racism.
  1047. >None of that matters to you.
  1048. >You are a loyal steed and must carry your rider to safety.
  1049. >The ground is cold on your hands and knees but you don't mind.
  1050. >Pinkie's body heat keeps you motivated.
  1051. >She jostles around on your back, rubbing her legs, her thighs on you.
  1052. >She lays down on you, her head resting on your shoulders.
  1053. >You can feel her breathe on you.
  1054. >It smells like a distillery.
  1055. >It's warm too.
  1056. >*You march onwards*
  1057. >What few ponies are left on the street this late gawk at your display with Pinkie.
  1058. >You have at least stopped mimicking horse sounds.
  1059. >The journey home is almost complete.
  1060. >But you have not gone to Sugarcube.
  1061. >Instead you have arrived at your house.
  1062. >It's not a big deal, Pinkie can sleep in your bed and you'll just sleep on the couch.
  1063. >The door knob is eye level.
  1064. >Thankfully opening your front door isn't an issue with everything pony sized.
  1065. >You've come this far carrying her, might as well keep going.
  1066. >*You crawl through your house with Pinkie still mounting you*
  1067. >She's starting to get heavy.
  1068. >Her weight causes you to start bumping into every corner and coffee table in your house.
  1069. >All of them.
  1070. >Gosh, all this exercise has got you thirsty.
  1071. >"Hey Pinkie."
  1072. >"Hey steed."
  1073. >"You want a night cap?"
  1074. >"Oh yeah."
  1075. >*You waddle over to your refrigerator*
  1076. >"Could you open that for me my valiant Ponk?"
  1077. >"Yessir."
  1078. >Utilizing the power of friendship and teamwork the two of you open the fridge door.
  1079. >It only cost you a slight flash of pain when Pinkie hit said door on your forehead.
  1080. >You've got a few Coltrona's left.
  1081. >"Okay I've had enough of this."
  1082. >*You lay flat on the ground and roll out from under Pinkamena*
  1083. >"Whoa!"
  1084. >She rolls the other way unintentionally.
  1085. >Free from the oppression of the pink menace you stand up.
  1086. >*You grab the beers and close the fridge*
  1087. >"Hey how come you couldn't just teleport home? I've seen you show up in random places before."
  1088. >"Because right now my mane has been vibrating non stop for hours. How am I supposed to know when it's real?"
  1089. >"Huh?"
  1090. >Oh that crazy mare.
  1091. >*You drag your feet across the tile floor into your living room, plopping your self down on the couch*
  1092. >Pinkie follows in suit.
  1093. >*You pass her a bottle*
  1094. >With both of her hooves to keep it steady she takes the Coltrona and cracks it open, using the hook tip on the end of her mane like a bottle opener.
  1095. >"You know it's a twist off?"
  1096. >She smiles and shrugs, taking a quick opening swig.
  1097. >"Hey Nonny?"
  1098. >"Mhm?"
  1099. >"Where are we?"
  1100. >"We're on my couch."
  1101. >"So you took me to your home? Carried me out of the bar and stole off with me into the night?"
  1102. >"No I just... I kinda forgot to take you home."
  1103. >"Aw don't worry. I'm just 'yankin' yer chain'."
  1104. >Despite not seeing Applejack for the entire day with no established context Pinkie did an atrocious impression of her.
  1105. >"You got a nice couch."
  1106. >She takes another swig.
  1107. >"But it needs something, the whole place does."
  1108. >"Oh really? It's gotta have more streamers right?"
  1109. >"Maybe. But it's really missing a mare's touch."
  1110. >"And what does that mean?"
  1111. >One more gulp of alcohol and Pinkie goes to set down the bottle.
  1112. >She meant to put it on your coffee table.
  1113. >She missed though.
  1114. >Instead the base of the bottle only clipped the edge of the table and fell to the ground, spilling out all over your carpet.
  1115. >Pinkie seems oblivious.
  1116. >You might have been annoyed with her if you weren't just as drunk.
  1117. >You've been holding onto your bottle for dear life.
  1118. >"It's when a mare touches you Nonny."
  1119. >Sweat droplets are rolling down the sides of her face, her breathing is heavy and slow.
  1120. >"Can I touch you, Nonny?"
  1121. >"Ye-ye-yy-y."
  1122. >Your mouth can't form one word.
  1123. >At least your neck still works.
  1124. >*You nod once.*
  1125. >Pinkie hunches over from sitting up to on her forward hooves.
  1126. >She uses them to pull herself closer, dragging herself over the cushions.
  1127. >Your legs are now touching.
  1128. >One hoof takes action, placing itself upon your chest.
  1129. >The other hoof follows its example and mirrors itself right next to it.
  1130. >She leans in further and further.
  1131. >Her head and body are pressing against yours.
  1132. >Her eyes are half open, looking up at you.
  1133. >She's right there, in your house, coming onto you.
  1134. >The bottle in your hand no longer seems important.
  1135. >It didn't seem important when your hand hanging off the side let go of it.
  1136. >It did seem important when you took that and started running it through Pinkie's mane.
  1137. >A pleased sounding hum radiated from her when you did that.
  1138. >*You place your other hand on her lower back*
  1139. >She hums some more.
  1140. >With the hand in her mane you take a tighter grip, nothing to agressive.
  1141. >Just enough to tilt her head better.
  1142. >When the angle is just right you can crane your head down and kiss her.
  1143. >She isn't stopping you as you come in.
  1144. >Yours and hers lips touch.
  1145. >It's not even close to perfect contact, it's sloppy, it's got a boozy taste.
  1146. >But neither of you are stopping.
  1147. >Your other hand goes even further.
  1148. >From the small of her back to her butt.
  1149. >It pulls her closer into you.
  1150. >It reaches further inward now.
  1151. >Pinkie pulls away from your embrace, just an inch.
  1152. >You can still feel every burst of air that passes through her lips when she speaks.
  1153. >"Will you let me stay after?"
  1154. >"Of course."
  1155. >The kissing continues.
  1156. >You add some tongue to it.
  1157.  
  1158. ...
  1159.  
  1160. >It is midday when you wake up.
  1161. >You're still on your couch.
  1162. >So is Pinkie.
  1163. >She's squished into the cushions while your back faces out.
  1164. >Your memory from last night is a little fuzzy.
  1165. >Although you're pretty sure what happened considering your current state.
  1166. >You're naked, your clothes have been used as makeshift blankets for the two of you.
  1167. >Fragments shine through the haze in your mind.
  1168. >You remember kissing, squeezing, pinching and pushing.
  1169. >Were you able to overcome whiskey dick and finish?
  1170. >That memory doesn't seem to be in there.
  1171. >Your face has been buried into Pinkie's mane all morning.
  1172. >She still smells as lovely as always.
  1173. >*You retract your face*
  1174. >There's a taste of stomach bile in your mouth.
  1175. >It feels like all the blood in your body has pooled on one side.
  1176. >And there's a course metal ball doing laps in your skull.
  1177. >You need another drink to offset these problems, maybe some mouthwash too.
  1178. >Maybe at the same time.
  1179. >*You slowly and carefully remove yourself from the couch to not wake Pinkie*
  1180. >Your knees are the first thing to touch the carpet as you get off the couch.
  1181. >There's a soggy sensation on the ground.
  1182. >Please for the love of Celestia don't be piss.
  1183. >Your hands touch it next.
  1184. >Oh right, it's just the nightcaps from before.
  1185. >*You stand up fully, looming over Pinkie*
  1186. >Your clothing makes for a sorry excuse of linens.
  1187. >*You remove the clothing from the pink pony*
  1188. >*You go to your bedroom and take the blanket from your bed and return to Pinkie with it, laying it over her and tucking it into the seat cushions to avoid it laying on the wet carpet*
  1189. >There, all cozied up now.
  1190. >It feels a bit drafty in your living room.
  1191. >You've got nipples that could cut glass and a couple of walnuts receding into your body.
  1192. >*You go back to your bedroom to throw your old clothes in the dirty pile and grab some new ones from the clean pile*
  1193. >They are the same pile.
  1194. >Time for that mouthwash.
  1195. >Every movement you make is pure agony.
  1196. >This is one intense hangover.
  1197. >Most of it can probably be attributed to that abomination everypony and you had at the start.
  1198. >*You finish in the bathroom and go to the kitchen to make something greasy*
  1199. >Piece by piece you try to restore yesterday together.
  1200. >What was going on with Fluttershy and Rainbow?
  1201. >Is Flutters trying to bang Dash and she's just too thick to notice?
  1202. >The body shots were Fluttershy's idea after all.
  1203. >Rainbow just seemed happy to drink.
  1204. >*You crack open four eggs and put them on a pan with a healthy heaping of shredded potatoes*
  1205. >It's days like these you miss bacon.
  1206. >The smell of breakfast permeates your home.
  1207. >You're able to see your living room couch from the stove.
  1208. >When said smells reach said couch Pinkie's mane pops out from below like a shark fin.
  1209. >Her hooves join in, stretching upwards.
  1210. >Pinkie rolls onto the floor blanket and all.
  1211. >From where you are you can hear a squelching noise as she lands on the ground.
  1212. >”Eww. Nonny did I pee myself last night?”
  1213. >”No Pinkie. It’s just our nightcaps we spilled.”
  1214. >”Oh. Good.”
  1215. >Pinkie continues rolling around, through the beer stained carpet and around the couch to join you in the kitchen.
  1216. >She rolls right up to your table and seats herself up on one of your two chairs.
  1217. >You were so proud of yourself when you bought the second one.
  1218. >The food has just about finished cooking.
  1219. >*You grab a couple plates and take the hot pan to the table*
  1220. >”Hey Anon, do you have any ketchup?”
  1221. >”It’s like the one thing I always keep stocked.”
  1222. >*You finish serving both of you, placing Pinkie’s plate right beside her resting head*
  1223. >”It smells delicious.”
  1224. >*You open your condiment packed fridge and return with the ketchup*
  1225. >”Thanks Nonny.”
  1226. >Pinkie dives her face in, eating without using any of the ketchup.
  1227. >*You shake your head at the little clown, joining her to eat*
  1228. >Every bite you take sounds like a sixteen wheeler grinding its wheels over broken glass and mud.
  1229. >The hangover is almost unbearable.
  1230. >But at least you’ve got Pinkie here with you to share it.
  1231. >*You smile at her*
  1232. >She smiles back at you, teeth full of eggs and potatoes.
  1233. >She winces a bit from pain, her mane parts right in half down the middle.
  1234. >Pinkie rubs her temple.
  1235. >”Wow Pinkie. Looks like you’ve got a splitting headache.”
  1236. >”He he, very funny Nonny.”
  1237. >She meant it.
  1238. >Honestly though, you're not doing much better.
  1239. >Your head is also trying to claw its way out of your skull.
  1240. >You both could use a little pick me up to help stabilize, balance yourselves out.
  1241. >*You go over to your fridge to grab another pair of Coltronas*
  1242. >”Here you go, this always helps me.”
  1243. >”Mmm. Thanks Nonny.”
  1244. >Together you crack open your drinks and have a couple sips.
  1245. >Oh yeah, sweet liquor soothes the pain.
  1246. >”Gosh last night was so much fun. Too bad I have to pay for it now.”
  1247. >”We went at it pretty hard last night.”
  1248. >”Indeedy.”
  1249. >Another few bites and chugs.
  1250. >”Did you have fun Anon?”
  1251. >”Absolutely.”
  1252. >”Did we do that super fun thing like last time?”
  1253. >Pinkie catches you midway with your fork to your mouth with her statement.
  1254. >It causes you to lapse in concentration hitting your teeth with the prongs.
  1255. >In your current state it is pure anguish.
  1256. >It causes you to bite down too hard on the metal, scraping it against your teeth as you pull it out with food on your tongue.
  1257. >Is this some sort of test?
  1258. >”Of course we did.”
  1259. >”But I still can’t remember it. I hate this stupid brain of mine so much right now.”
  1260. >Pinkie jabs her forehead with her hoof and instantly regrets that decision.
  1261. >*You set your fork down and lean over the table to console Pinkie*
  1262. >”I wouldn’t worry so much about it. We had a good time and that’s all that matters right?”
  1263. >How can she still not remember?
  1264. >She was so forward with you last night.
  1265. >But she always is.
  1266. >Pinkie has no concept of personal space so it’s not like that would change whether or not she was drunk.
  1267. >”Yeah that does make sense. It sure would be nice to remember the fun stuff but as long as it still happened that’s all that matters. If a joke happens in the middle of a party but nopony can hear it, is it still funny?”
  1268. >”Uh, yes?”
  1269. >”Correct!”
  1270. >Yeah it is correct.
  1271. >Even if Pinkie doesn’t remember it’s not like she didn’t enjoy it.
  1272. >Why else would she come onto you?
  1273. >You’ve done nothing wrong.
  1274. >Yeah.
  1275. >Somepony knocks at the door.
  1276. >”Ooooh, a surprise guest. I’ll get it!”
  1277. >Pinkie jumps out of her seat and your blanket before you can respond.
  1278. >She zips away to answer for you.
  1279. >When she opens the door it’s Mrs. Cake.
  1280. >”Pinkie Pie, do you know what time it is?”
  1281. >Pinkie smiling like a dummy, twists her neck to look at a clock.
  1282. >Her smile fades.
  1283. >”Uh… time for me to go to work?”
  1284. >”It is far past that time. I know it’s none of my business what you do with other ponies but please don’t forget to come in on time.”
  1285. >”But I wasn’t doing anything with another pony.”
  1286. >*You peak your head around the corner to see who came to your house*
  1287. >”I was doing anything with Anonymous.”
  1288. >Mrs. Cake blushes when she sees you, not realizing before who’s door she knocked on.
  1289. >”Oh well. That’s all well and fine too but I still need you to come to work on time.”
  1290. >”No problem Mrs. C. I Pinkie promise it won’t happen again.”
  1291. >Pinkie stares vacantly at her employer.
  1292. >Mrs. Cake stares back, more of a glare really.
  1293. >She clears her throat waiting for Pinkie to realize.
  1294. >You should help her out, but first.
  1295. >”Hey Mrs. Cake. How did you know Pinkie was here anyways?”
  1296. >She sighs.
  1297. >”Well when Pinkie didn’t show up or even leave a note I asked around and some ponies told me that they saw her leave Ms. Punch’s and come here while riding the back of another pony.”
  1298. >She fidgets her hooves and focuses on Pinkie.
  1299. >”I didn’t realize that other pony was you.”
  1300. >”Well I’m sorry for keeping her so long.”
  1301. >”Thank you dear. It’s not your fault Mr. Anonymous.”
  1302. >She leans in towards Pinkie with a desperate smile.
  1303. >”So Pinkie do you think we can get back to work now?”
  1304. >”Oh right. Shoot. Of course.”
  1305. >Pinkie turns around to give you a hug, just a quick one but a tight one.
  1306. >She smells sour from the wet blanket and her matted, sweaty hair from a lack of shower.
  1307. >You give a tight hug back.
  1308. >”Bye Nonny!”
  1309. >She waves goodbye before trotting off back to Sugarcube Corner.
  1310. >”Bye Pinkie.”
  1311. >Well, if Pinkie is late, so are you.
  1312. >How would the mail survive without you?
  1313. >*You finish the rest of the breakfast and go looking for relief at the bottom of a bottle*
  1314. >After a shit and a shower it's back to the old grind.
  1315. >A pair of sunglasses to help shield the eyes you don't have and you're off.
  1316. >Your way to work is uncomfortable.
  1317. >The other day you were paranoid everypony was being nice to you as a facade.
  1318. >But now they're not smiling and waving.
  1319. >Well they still are but they're also covering their mouths and whispering, giggling as you walk past.
  1320. >Like girls in highschool gossiping about new pregnancies.
  1321. >You must be imagining things.
  1322. >Not even in a town as small as Ponyville does news travel that fast.
  1323. >Even Mrs. Cake didn't know it was your house.
  1324. >You arrive at the Post Office to a long line of frustrated ponies.
  1325. >Derpy was struggling with her uniform again.
  1326. >At least you hope it was again and not still.
  1327. >Time to earn some good will for being late.
  1328. >”Good morning Derpy, let me give you a hand.”
  1329. >*You fuss with the gray pegasus, adjusting her wings and getting her shirt on just right*
  1330. >”Thanks Anonymous. Oh no. When did all these ponies get here?”
  1331. >The crowd erupts into a “Finally!” when Derpy gets her head through the neck hole.
  1332. >”Don't even worry about it. Partin and I are gonna slam out these work orders.”
  1333. >*You give an eighty percent sincere salute to your boss*
  1334. >She gives one hundred and ten back.
  1335. >*You head to your place to get started*
  1336. >Putting your own uniform on isn't that important right now, best to just get to it right away.
  1337. >Partin is already here twiddling his hooves, he greets you.
  1338. >He took the chance to slack off waiting for you and Derpy to get sorted.
  1339. >You've really got your work cut out for you.
  1340. >Doing the best you can, you put your nose to the grindstone.
  1341.  
  1342. …
  1343.  
  1344. >You really hope Mrs. Cake isn’t too mad at you.
  1345. >You’re not usually tardy, just a lot of sick days or getting off early or vacations.
  1346. >But not tardy, so she should overlook this for you.
  1347. >Things at Sugarcube don’t even seem that dire with your absence.
  1348. >So no harm done.
  1349. >Mrs. Cake heads to the kitchen to finish up some orders she left behind to find you.
  1350. >Leaving you to manage the front.
  1351. >Ponies come in and happy ponies go out.
  1352. >You have a very fulfilling job.
  1353. >After giving a dozen lemon jam filled pies to some grateful fillies a familiar pony entered the store.
  1354. >”Hi Rarity! Can I get you some powdered sugar donuts? Ooh, ooh or how about glazed?”
  1355. >”No no, that's alright Pinkie darling. I’m here to talk about something else besides donuts. Well really it’s more about yours.”
  1356. >”Well I’ve got lots of them. Donuts filled with all kinds of stuff from custard to jelly. I’ve got moist ones with lots of thick icing. I’ve got-”
  1357. >Rarity gives an exceptionally dramatic “ahem” from the back of her throat.
  1358. >”Pinkie, I'm trying to speak in relative terms.”
  1359. >”What do you mean Rarity?”
  1360. >”How should I put this? You know when you somepony is giving out free samples they only let you take one?”
  1361. >”Oh I know and it’s so unfair. I mean they’re all free anyways like, what does it matter? So I always give out as many as I can.”
  1362. >”No Pinkie I’m trying to say, hmm. You’re supposed to only give out one because the idea is once a pony has had a taste they’ll buy some more. Otherwise it has no value. Does that make more sense?”
  1363. >”Nope.”
  1364. >”Alright, I'll be straight and narrow with you.”
  1365. >Rarity slams her hooves down on the counter.
  1366. >She raises her head and speaks with her commanding bravado.
  1367. >”Do you like this Anonymous?”
  1368. >”Well I like everypony.”
  1369. >”A yes or no Pinkie Pie.”
  1370. >”Yeah.”
  1371. >”Then why are you making it so easy?”
  1372. >”I don't know what you mean by that Rarity.”
  1373. >”You've spent the last two, count them, two nights with him. You've got to give him the chase. You've got to activate that primal instinct inside of him. If you don't, he will lose interest.”
  1374. >”You mean he won't like me anymore?”
  1375. >”Precisely.”
  1376. >”Oh hogwash!”
  1377. >Applejack shouts from a window peeking into the store.
  1378. >”I beg your pardon?”
  1379. >”Rarity what you're sayin’ is used up, browned, hogwash.”
  1380. >Rarity scoffs and guffaws.
  1381. >Not an earnest laugh of course.
  1382. >Applejack has been leaning on the window sill with her elbows resting on it.
  1383. >She is now lifting her back legs into the frame and squeezing through.
  1384. >Pushing her away through the threshold she falls over onto the floor before getting back up and dusting herself off.
  1385. >Rarity does not offer sympathy.
  1386. >”And just who made you the authority on stallions?”
  1387. >*You reach under the counter to pull out a bucket of popcorn you keep handy*
  1388. >”And were you eavesdropping on us?”
  1389. >”No!”
  1390. >Applejack’s face scrunches up the same way it does whenever she tries not to lie.
  1391. >”Anypony around coulda heard ya yelling about donuts and samples.”
  1392. >Applejack moves past Rarity up to you.
  1393. >”Rarity’s got it all wrong.”
  1394. >”She does?”
  1395. >”I do?”
  1396. >”Yes ya do so. Already giving it away for free is wrong. Something given without hardwork has no value.”
  1397. >”Well that’s what I’m talking about darling.”
  1398. >”No way. You’re talkin’ ‘bout chasing and such. Ah’m talking about honest to Celestia love. Ah’m talkin’ ‘bout marriage!”
  1399. >”Oh pshaw. That’s so old fashioned Applejack.”
  1400. >”Ah don’t care what ya call it. It’s the right thing to do. Ya didn’t see me or my brother runnin’ around when ma and pa weren’t married.”
  1401. >Rarity whispers quietly under her breath.
  1402. >”I’ve seen your brother do quite a lot of running around.”
  1403. >But not quiet enough.
  1404. >”That does it!”
  1405. >Applejack leaps upon Rarity, ready to throw hooves.
  1406. >”You ruffian!”
  1407. >Applejack and Rarity turn into a comedic ball of dust with limbs and random objects popping out.
  1408. >Mr. Cake politely objects.
  1409. >”Take it outside ladies!”
  1410. >Respecting the wishes of this fine sugar shop’s proprietor the ball of dust rolls out the front door.
  1411. >You hope your friends are alright.
  1412. >They didn’t even take any donuts with them.
  1413. >What was Rarity even talking about?
  1414. >Of course you like Nonny, you like everypony.
  1415. >And he likes you.
  1416. >There’s gotta be some value in that no matter what.
  1417. >And if other ponies don’t like that then it’s their problem.
  1418. >Who’s to say whether or not you’re allowed to go out and spend time with your friends.
  1419. >That’s what friends are for.
  1420. >You dwell on this for the rest of your workday.
  1421. >Anon has had a great time every time you have drinks with him.
  1422. >Who cares if you can’t remember it.
  1423. >He has fun and you have fun still.
  1424. >What’s wrong with that?
  1425. >”Nothing!”
  1426. >*You scream at the top of your lungs*
  1427. >Offering no context for the now frightened colt seeking comfort from his mother.
  1428. >”If I wanna have fun then I will got it!”
  1429. >They both nod their heads, agreeing with you out of fear.
  1430. >The mother pays for her son’s birthday cake and gallops out with him.
  1431. >*You shake your hoof at them as they leave*
  1432. >That’ll learn those ponies for judging you silently in their minds after reading your thoughts.
  1433. >Fuckers.
  1434. >Nothing bad has happened from your outings with Nonny so you’re gonna keep having them.
  1435. >And there’s nothing anyone can say to change that.
  1436. >You’re gonna go see him again after work.
  1437. >You’re gonna get absolutely sloshed however you like
  1438. >And you’re gonna have a ton of fun with Nonny.
  1439. >*You nod your head in agreement with nopony*
  1440. >When the time comes to clock out you’re bursting from the seams.
  1441. >Mrs. and Mr. Cake are barely able to tell your goodbye before you rush out the door.
  1442. >You’re in such a hurry you almost forget to wave and say hi to every single pony you see.
  1443. >That was a close one.
  1444. >Your hair was no help this time but you still open the door to the Post Office right as Nonny opens it.
  1445. >”Hi Nonny! Do you wanna go get straight up ripped again tonight? I’m talking totally messed up!”
  1446. >Nonny lets out a girly shriek as you surprise him with your shouting.
  1447. >”I’m, I’m not sure what you mean by that.”
  1448. >*You rub up against Nonny on the ground, nudging him with your elbow*
  1449. >”A little sippy sippy, tipsy tipsy, fall downy downy?”
  1450. >”I’m just not getting it.”
  1451. >*You groan and sit down*
  1452. >*You extend your mane out in front of your face, turning it into the shape of a tall mug of cider*
  1453. >With included liquid physics.
  1454. >It even disappears as you drink it.
  1455. >”Yeah yeah?”
  1456. >”Oh now I get it. Yeah that makes sense.”
  1457. >”So do you wanna?”
  1458. >Nonny looks away from you.
  1459. >He bites his lip.
  1460. >His fingers dig into the ground and he seems to take up less space than before.
  1461. >”Yeah.”
  1462. >*You jump up from the ground, wiggle in the air a little, and start bouncing up and down*
  1463. >”It’s gonna be totally fun!”
  1464. >”So like, right now?”
  1465. >”Uh huh uh huh.”
  1466. >*You shake your head rapidly*
  1467. >”Well, how about I go home to shower first and I’ll meet you there? Same place as always?”
  1468. >”Alrighty.”
  1469. >*You give Nonny a thumbs up, growing an temporary vestigial appendage at the end of your hoof*
  1470.  
  1471. …
  1472.  
  1473. >Following up on your request to get cleaned up from work you do indeed go home to shower.
  1474. >As you were walking away Pinkie just stayed in the same spot, bouncing up and down waving goodbye at you.
  1475. >What a silly pony.
  1476. >Warm water on your back and shoulders feels amazing after a long-half day of work.
  1477. >It almost washes away the guilt.
  1478. >She invited you, it’s fine.
  1479. >You’re fine.
  1480. >When you get out of the shower you put a towel over your bald head.
  1481. >You haven’t had hair for a long time but old habits die hard.
  1482. >No need for a towel to cover your bits, you live alone.
  1483. >*You walk out into your bedroom looking for clothes*
  1484. >You hear a tap on your bedroom window.
  1485. >*You go over to inspect, moving the curtains*
  1486. >It’s Pinkie Pie.
  1487. >”Hi Nonny!”
  1488. >*You quickly cover the window again*
  1489. >”Hi Pinkie. I uh, I thought I was meeting you there?”
  1490. >She speaks through the glass and tasteful drapes you own.
  1491. >”Well I thought we’ve been going back your house or mine each time so why not just cut out the middle pony?”
  1492. >She makes some clinking noises.
  1493. >”I brought my own party bar too, and it’s an open bar~.”
  1494. >There’s an added sing-song sultriness to that last word.
  1495. >”Alright. But I still gotta get dressed.”
  1496. >”Okie dokie.”
  1497. >*You grab a pair of underwear from the usual pile, give them a smell test*
  1498. >There’s a rattling sound coming from Pinkie now.
  1499. >She’s opening the window.
  1500. >*You quickly slip into your briefs before you’re caught with your pants down a second time*
  1501. >”You know I have a door right?”
  1502. >”And you know that you have a window.”
  1503. >Pinkie deftly leaps through the open frame without bumping any edge, spilling, or knocking over anything as she lands.
  1504. >”Nice landing.”
  1505. >”Nice undies.”
  1506. >You take the towel from your head and rat tail her playfully.
  1507. >She laughs as you chase her out of your bedroom.
  1508. >You don’t bother shutting the door behind her, just hurry up getting dressed.
  1509. >Now fully dry and clothed you join Pinkie out in the kitchen.
  1510. >She has laid out a full spread of her goods on your counter.
  1511. >She’s also now wearing a frontier looking bartender outfit.
  1512. >Complete with vest, tie, bowler hat, and a fake mustache.
  1513. >At least you think it’s fake.
  1514. >”What’ll it be?”
  1515. >She’s even put on a gruff accent.
  1516. >You play along the only way you know how.
  1517. >*You pull a stool over to the other side of her, all the way at the end of the counter*
  1518. >”Gimme a drink, bar-tend-er.”
  1519. >Pinkie has no idea what you’re trying to reference.
  1520. >She’s never played a game or seen a video that doesn’t exist in all of Equestria or her world.
  1521. >And yet?
  1522. >She pours a beer into a glass.
  1523. >She squints at you.
  1524. >She slides it so hard and fast it goes way off the counter and shatters on your floor.
  1525. >It all just feels natural to her, like breathing.
  1526. >It’s perfect.
  1527. >*You burst out in laughter*
  1528. >Pinkie laughs with you.
  1529. >She always knows exactly what everypony needs.
  1530. >The both of you laugh a little longer as you go to get something to sweep up the mess.
  1531. >Pinkie throws off her costume into the nether and comes over to help.
  1532. >Oh well, you think, I hated that glass anyways.
  1533. >”Now what can I actually get you to drink Nonny?”
  1534. >You think for a second.
  1535. >Taking a look at Pinkie's supplies and what you've got in your kitchen.
  1536. >As long as you're making references that nopony will understand.
  1537. >”Hey Pinkie.”
  1538. >”Hey Nonny.”
  1539. >”What's that drink called that's like milk and liqueur? The Dude drinks it?”
  1540. >”Milk and liquor? And what dude?”
  1541. >”No, not liquor. Liqueur~”
  1542. >Trying to be funny without reverting to an autist, you add a comedic French accent to the last word.
  1543. >”And you know, The Dude. There's even a pony who looks just like him around town. Even has a lanky, bug eyed looking dude and a fat dude with him.”
  1544. >”Nonny there's lots of dudes in Ponyville.”
  1545. >”But he's THE Dude.”
  1546. >You're speaking with your hands now, making big bold statements with them.
  1547. >Pinkie holds back a giggle as you lean forward for emphasis.
  1548. >*You rub your chin*
  1549. >”Here, how about you stand back and I make you one? You'll understand what I'm getting at.”
  1550. >Pinkie smiles and gives a goofy little curtsy, making space for you to mix.
  1551. >You're going mostly from memory for the recipe.
  1552. >Not like there's any science to mixing liquids.
  1553. >It's all about feel and vibe.
  1554. >Yeah, that's exactly how you should make it.
  1555. >Yeah man.
  1556. >*You grab some vodka, some of your milk, and a bottle that looks familiar and says a coffee on it*
  1557. >You want to look cool in front of Pinkie.
  1558. >You want to impress her with your drink making skills.
  1559. >As such you attempt to throw the vodka bottle behind you, spin it, and catch it.
  1560. >Except as you wind up you hit the bottle against your back and wince from the pain.
  1561. >Ok so that didn't work.
  1562. >Next you try to pour the vodka into a cup from really high up.
  1563. >You don't hurt yourself this time but instead miss pretty hard and get alcohol all over your counter.
  1564. >At least some of it went in.
  1565. >Gut instinct tells you not to look at a girl when you're trying to look cool for one.
  1566. >*You turn to look at Pinkie*
  1567. >She's wearing a great big smile.
  1568. >She nods her head really fast and waves her hoof to gesture you into continuing.
  1569. >And so you do.
  1570. >For the milk and liqueur you spin them upside down, creating a little whirlpool for them to pour out.
  1571. >It goes atrociously again and you make an even bigger mess.
  1572. >But you still feel there was the right proportions going into the cup.
  1573. >And there's still plenty of ingredients left.
  1574. >*You grab a butter knife from your drawer and stir it all together before handing it to Pinkie*
  1575. >”Here, try this dude on for size.”
  1576. >That sounded better in your head.
  1577. >”I already know I'll love it. Thanks Nonny.”
  1578. >Pinkie is about to take the first sip.
  1579. >”Wait stop!”
  1580. >She freezes suddenly, jolting herself and the drink.
  1581. >The liquid defies gravity and freezes too.
  1582. >*You go to your freezer to grab the last part*
  1583. >”I forgot the ice.”
  1584. >*You place a handful of ice cubes into Pinkie's cup*
  1585. >She unfreezes.
  1586. >”Whew Nonny. That was a close one.”
  1587. >With the proper temperature Pinkie takes a sip of your creation.
  1588. >She pulls back, smacking her lips and rolling her eyes to their corners.
  1589. >”Hmm.”
  1590. >She takes another sip.
  1591. >Then a swig, a gulp, a chug.
  1592. >It's all gone.
  1593. >”This is totally amazing! It's like chocolate milk that gets you buzzed. Not that I as a responsible and grown mare can't have all the chocolate milk I want but…”
  1594. >Pinkie Pie looks at you and her empty cup.
  1595. >She gives a slightly guilty chuckle.
  1596. >”Oh, would you look at that? It's all gone. Can I have another?”
  1597. >You don't know why she's asking you.
  1598. >It's all her booze.
  1599. >”Absolutely.”
  1600. >*You mix another one for your pink pony*
  1601. >Pinkie throws it back.
  1602. >She just keeps pounding them.
  1603. >Them being “your” creations which are just poorly remembered recipes from back home.
  1604. >She loves each one all the same.
  1605. >You don't even try to keep up anymore, preferring to sip on a couple mixed drinks.
  1606. >Maybe a lite cider to top it off at most.
  1607. >Pinkie is insatiable.
  1608. >The two of you having your very own party for two.
  1609. >In your house.
  1610. >She tells jokes, you laugh.
  1611. >There's an attempt to play games but you lack the equipment and Pinkie is too drunk to remember where she hid hers.
  1612. >You play music and dance with each other.
  1613. >Your awkward shimmying at first changes to something more loose as Pinkie opens you up.
  1614. >You hate dancing.
  1615. >But she just has a way with you, with everypony really.
  1616. >She's up on her hind legs and leaning on you for balance.
  1617. >There's a half drunk glass wrapped in her mane, held up taught somehow.
  1618. >You're now slow dancing with each other.
  1619. >Or at least swaying side to side, maybe a little gyrating.
  1620. >Her hair is downright prehensile.
  1621. >She dexterously grips the glass in her mane and tilts it over her mouth.
  1622. >It pours out into her throat without ever touching her tongue.
  1623. >She swallows the last few drops, finishing it off.
  1624. >You’re not sure if you weren’t holding her if she could stand on her own four legs.
  1625. >The usual thought creeps in.
  1626. >”Care for another drink?”
  1627. >”You read my mind. I thought only I could do that.”
  1628. >*You let go of Pinkie*
  1629. >She twirls around a little bit before falling gracefully into a little coiled up pile.
  1630. >Just something quick and easy so you can get back to Pinkie quickly.
  1631. >*You mix vodka with orange juice in a plastic cup*
  1632. >When you turn around Pinkie is staring at you.
  1633. >”What’s up?”
  1634. >You ask.
  1635. >”You know Nonny, I don’t think I’ve ever had another pony like me so much. Everypony always goes home after the party’s over. But you,”
  1636. >She’s heavily slurring again.
  1637. >”You’ve spent the last few nights with me. You must really really like me.”
  1638. >”Of course I really really like you Pinkie.”
  1639. >”I really really like you too.”
  1640. >*You kneel down on your knees in front of her*
  1641. >”Thirsty?”
  1642. >”Mhm.”
  1643. >Pinkie takes the Screwdriver from you with both front hooves and instantly chugs it.
  1644. >”Can you show me how much you like me?”
  1645. >Pinkie lays down on her back with her hind legs spread and her front legs still cradling the empty cup, lapping up the dregs with her tongue.
  1646. >Your knees are right in between hers.
  1647. >She’s rubbing her thighs against you.
  1648. >At this point you no longer care if she can’t remember this.
  1649. >It’s either not hurting her or she’s playing some sort of game with you.
  1650. >You just don’t know the rules.
  1651. >At least you think that’s what’s happening.
  1652. >It’s something you can tell yourself to justify how you’re feeling right now.
  1653. >What does it matter?
  1654. >You’re not a bad person.
  1655. >You just really really like somepony.
  1656. >Pinkie seems to be getting impatient.
  1657. >She wraps one of her hind legs around you, pulling you closer.
  1658. >Nothing wrong with a little fun, this mare loves fun.
  1659. >*You lean over Pinkie, supporting yourself with one hand and placing the other just below her navel*
  1660. >*You run your hand up towards her neck, slowly as she smiles and coos in delight*
  1661. >Your hand envelopes her small neck and your thumb strokes her chin.
  1662. >She's dropped the cup now.
  1663. >Her hooves mirror yours but go down your chest, slowly.
  1664. >She reaches your waist band and tugs at it.
  1665. >*You brace yourself on your knees to better support your weight*
  1666. >With your balance ready your other hand leaves Pinkie's side and wraps underneath her ass.
  1667. >She fits just right with one hand on her shoulder and the other reaching under her backside.
  1668. >It's easy to grind your crotch into her.
  1669. >Pinkie grinds back.
  1670. >”Anon, tell me you like me.”
  1671. >Her expression of happiness starts to fade.
  1672. >”I like you.”
  1673. >*You start undoing your pants*
  1674. >”Tell me again.”
  1675. >”I like you.”
  1676. >Her volume is getting louder and she's shaking her head slightly.
  1677. >But she's still pushing back into you.
  1678. >You've exposed yourself now, sliding it up against Pinkie's.
  1679. >She moans.
  1680. >There are tears building up behind closed eyelids.
  1681. >”Tell me how much you like me.”
  1682. >You don't answer with words.
  1683. >You answer with slow, strong thrust.
  1684. >Pushing Pinkie into your hand that squeezes her tightly and pulls her back towards you.
  1685. >She's writhing in your grip, moving her hips and waist into yours.
  1686. >Both of her hind legs are trying to wrap around you, refusing to let you go.
  1687. >Her head sways from side to side, mumbling “tell me” in between her soft and squeaky moans.
  1688. >A set of tear drops roll out of both her eyes.
  1689. >But neither of you stop moving, stop inhaling each other.
  1690. >With the alcohol in your system this goes on for a long while, slow and steady.
  1691. >You spend the night with Pinkie.
  1692.  
  1693. …
  1694.  
  1695. >There are hammers competing to kill you inside your skull.
  1696. >Rightfully so when you made no attempt to mitigate a hangover from last night.
  1697. >You are in your bed currently, tossing and turning from the pain.
  1698. >You can feel the violent shits coming on too.
  1699. >The best part about binge drinking.
  1700. >You don’t even have a cute pony to cheer you up this time.
  1701. >You opted to let Pinkie sleep by herself on the couch this time.
  1702. >The less she knows the better.
  1703.  
  1704. …
  1705.  
  1706. >There are hammers throwing a party inside your skull.
  1707. >How were you supposed to know that mixing vodka with vodka and even more vodka was bad for you?
  1708. >You are on the couch when you wake up.
  1709. >Nonny’s couch.
  1710. >It smells like him, or maybe that’s just you.
  1711. >You did it again.
  1712. >You got so drunk you don’t remember much.
  1713. >Although you’re pretty sure it was a good time at least.
  1714. >Your hooves run up and down your body.
  1715. >It’s like there’s a memory there but you can’t pin it down, just the feelings.
  1716. >*You smack your ass*
  1717. >”Feels good though.”
  1718. >No one hears you.
  1719. >*You roll off the couch again*
  1720. >Back on all four hooves you shake out all the negative sensations going through your body, ending with the tip of your tail as you flick them off.
  1721. >You feel better already.
  1722. >But Nonny probably isn’t.
  1723. >He can’t really explain why but he just doesn’t get over rough nights the same way ponies do.
  1724. >Well he made your breakfast last time, so it’s only right you make him some now.
  1725. >*You bounce over to the kitchen*
  1726. >Seems you didn’t have time to put away all your liquor from last night.
  1727. >Maybe Nonny would appreciate a Bloody Mary?
  1728. >*You make one up snappy*
  1729. >A quick sippy to test the flavor.
  1730. >You slightly gag from how spicy it is.
  1731. >It’s perfect for him.
  1732. >*You start on the rest of breakfast*
  1733. >A little bit of time passes as you cook, Nonny finally shows up wearing his blankets.
  1734. >He’s sluggish and sloppy looking, stumbling through his house.
  1735. >”Good morning Pinka.”
  1736. >”Gooooood morning Nonny.”
  1737. >Your little trill on the word makes him smile.
  1738. >That makes you smile.
  1739. >Nonny sits himself down at his table, looking like a funny hermit pony-man thing in his blanket.
  1740. >It causes you to giggle.
  1741. >You're just about done whipping up some fried potatoes and eggs, just like he did for you.
  1742. >They really are the best.
  1743. >Some ponies say that it's immoral to eat the eggs because then you're not really a vegetarian or vegan or whatever.
  1744. >But it's not like you're eating actual babies.
  1745. >And the chickens don't seem to mind and heck even Fluttershy agrees and she can talk to animals so she's gotta know what's up.
  1746. >”And I'm just like, imagine trying to make a cake without eggs?”
  1747. >*You serve two full plates onto the table*
  1748. >”You know?”
  1749. >Nonny nods his head slowly at you.
  1750. >Yeah he knows.
  1751. >He's always been a good listener.
  1752. >Nonny points at the bright red drink with the accommodating umbrella you've left him.
  1753. >*You give him a little wink*
  1754. >He takes a sip from it and doesn't wince even a little.
  1755. >How does he do that?
  1756. >The two of you munch on breakfast while smiling internmently.
  1757. >You'd love to stay and chat but you really need to stop being late for work.
  1758. >Of the few things you remember that was one of them.
  1759. >*You take the last bite off your plate*
  1760. >”Well. I would really love to stay and chat but-”
  1761. >”You really need to stop being late for work?”
  1762. >”Now I definitely know you can read my mind.”
  1763. >Nonny wiggles his fingers at you as he makes a spooky “oooooh” sound.
  1764. >The both of you giggle at each other and you turn around to leave.
  1765. >”Hey Pinkie?”
  1766. >”Yes Nonny?”
  1767. >”Do you wanna do this with me again? Tonight?”
  1768. >”Really?!”
  1769. >Nonny looks a little unenthused at your enthusiasm.
  1770. >Was it something you said?
  1771. >”Yes yes of course. We can even just have our party for two right here again.”
  1772. >”That sounds totally super to me.”
  1773. >Your front hoof is buzzing.
  1774. >*You pull it to your face and check the time on the watch that doesn't exist*
  1775. >”Shoot. I've gotta gallop.”
  1776. >And you do, right out of Nonny’s house.
  1777. >The last thing either of you said to the other was “see ya later” right as you exited through his front door.
  1778. >The last thing until later that day anyways.
  1779. >Nonny came to see you after work this time.
  1780. >Both of you went back to his place again.
  1781. >You got absolutely shredded, downright cranked again.
  1782. >By next morning you had forgotten most of what happened again.
  1783. >The most important thing you can remember is that Nonny had a good time with you.
  1784. >So you'll ask him to drink more with you even if neither of you remember how much fun it was.
  1785. >Like, as long as somepony is having fun then what else matters?
  1786. >Right?
  1787.  
  1788. …
  1789.  
  1790. >Some time has passed since you first started binge drinking regularly with Nonny.
  1791. >It’s every night or at least every other night with him.
  1792. >Although he told you he needed to slow down a bit since he was getting sick of the bile in his mouth the next morning.
  1793. >You don’t mind the bile.
  1794. >So it’s mostly you going over to his place or he to yours and you drink way, way too much for most ponies.
  1795. >You know it’s bad for you.
  1796. >You know you could probably drink less too.
  1797. >But it’s the only way you have fun with Nonny anymore.
  1798. >Or at least you always have a drink when you’re having fun around him.
  1799. >Not the other way around obviously.
  1800. >It’s not that you aren’t having a good time, one where nopony gets hurt either.
  1801. >But what Rarity and Applejack said to you at the start has been living in your brain.
  1802. >Other ponies too, they’ve started treating you differently.
  1803. >Some of them seem to take offense to your late night partying with Nonny.
  1804. >Some of them seem sorry for you, you don’t know why.
  1805. >There’s nothing to feel bad about.
  1806. >You’ve done nothing wrong.
  1807. >And yet.
  1808. >Rarity and AJ haven’t bothered you since the first time.
  1809. >They seem to be busy arguing with each other over it and the correct way to go about things.
  1810. >Shows what they know.
  1811. >Applejack might be able to plan a hoedown and Rarity a soiree, but you’re Pinkie Pie.
  1812. >You’re THE party expert.
  1813. >So what would they know about parties for two that you don’t?
  1814. >You should really stop dwelling on this so much.
  1815. >Thinking never got anypony anywhere.
  1816. >You’re pretty swamped in your own head when a pony taps you on the shoulder.
  1817. >”Pinkie? I’ve been standing behind you saying your name for a while now.”
  1818. >”Oh I’m sorry Mr Cake. What can I do for you?”
  1819. >”The missus and I are doing some foal stuff that needs our attention but we have an order that needs to go. Would you mind delivering it for us?”
  1820. >He gives you a slip of paper with the details.
  1821. >”Okie dokie Mr. Cake. Not a problem at all for your number one employee.”
  1822. >”You’re my only employee.”
  1823. >”Indeedy.”
  1824. >*You salute him playfully but enthusiastically*
  1825. >He rolls his eyes but smiles and then hands you the slip.
  1826. >”Thank you Pinkie.”
  1827. >”No problem mister C.”
  1828. >Mister C runs off back whence he came, wherever that may be.
  1829. >*You inspect the paper*
  1830. >It’s just plain bread.
  1831. >And it’s going to be sent to Fluttershy’s Cottage.
  1832. >Oh!
  1833. >Well why didn’t she say so?
  1834. >You could have brought her some lame old bread lickety split.
  1835. >She didn’t have to go through the effort of ordering it.
  1836. >Oh well, makes for a good excuse to go see your friend and take your mind off things.
  1837. >Mr. Cake has left the bread neatly wrapped and ready to go for you.
  1838. >*You put it in your saddlebag and throw it on*
  1839. >Time to go.
  1840. >As you’re halfway to the exit a couple ponies come inside.
  1841. >”Oh hi Pinkie. We were looking for-”
  1842. >”Sorry, gotta run. You can just ask one of the Cakes for help. Ok love you gotta go bye!”
  1843. >You’ve got no time to help these customers with your super urgent delivery.
  1844. >They’ll be fine.
  1845. >*You flip the sign on the door and lock it as you leave*
  1846. >It’s a nice day out.
  1847. >Nothing like some fresh air through Ponyville to straighten you out.
  1848. >*You trot merrily towards the edge of town and Flutter’s home*
  1849. >Everypony you pass gets a wave and a smile.
  1850. >Even the ones who don’t wave and smile back.
  1851. >Which seems to be more than zero lately.
  1852. >You don’t like that.
  1853. >But you know it’s ok, that doesn’t mean they don’t like you.
  1854. >Cranky doesn’t always wave at you either.
  1855. >It just means that that pony isn’t in a very wavey and smiley mood.
  1856. >And that’s okay.
  1857. >That doesn’t bother you.
  1858. >Your hair is only slightly unfrazzled when you get to Fluttershy’s.
  1859. >A hot pot of various animals can be heard the closer you get.
  1860. >Oh you can’t wait to knock on Fluttershy’s door and have Fluttershy answer and get to see and talk with Fluttershy.
  1861. >You think as you stare at the door, waiting.
  1862. >”Ok now.”
  1863. >*You knock eight times very fast*
  1864. >The door opens.
  1865. >”Why helloooo Pinkie Pie. What a surprise to see you here.”
  1866. >Oh.
  1867. >”Hello Discord.”
  1868. >”I was just thinking how much I could use a visit from the local baker. You see Fluttershy is all out of a particular kind of bread she uses for some local fauna.”
  1869. >*You sigh and roll your eyes*
  1870. >”You wouldn't happen to be looking for this bread?”
  1871. >*You show him the delivery*
  1872. >”Oh my sweet goodness. Why yes, that is exactly what I need.”
  1873. >”Well you ordered it didn't you?”
  1874. >”Oh I must have. Since I'm such a good friend of Fluttershy’s and I know she needed more.”
  1875. >*You laugh it off*
  1876. >At least he's just doing something nice for Fluttershy.
  1877. >Yeah, you should be happy.
  1878. >”Well, here you go.”
  1879. >”Oh what a gem you are.”
  1880. >He doesn't thank you.
  1881. >He does stare at you after you give him the bread.
  1882. >He’s smiling and biting his lip, he looks like he’s about to explode.
  1883. >”Is there something else I can do for you Discord?”
  1884. >”Now that you mention it,”
  1885. >In a flash he has teleported you and himself into Fluttershy’s home.
  1886. >Together, you are sitting on the couch.
  1887. >Random critters laying around the house scatter as you appear out of thin air.
  1888. >”I've been hearing so much around Ponyville about you lately.”
  1889. >”Ponies always have something nice to say about me. I'm Pinkie Pie.”
  1890. >”Oh but it's not nice things I'm hearing.”
  1891. >His movements are serpent like, slinking from side to side around you.
  1892. >Suddenly he's in front of you.
  1893. >”All sorts of ponies talking about you in naughty, scandalous ways.”
  1894. >”Well, I have noticed… No. They wouldn't really say things like that. Everypony loves me. I'm Pinkie.”
  1895. >Discord makes the outside how you're inside feels.
  1896. >How he wants you to feel.
  1897. >There's no light coming from the windows, no more chirps and tweets from the outside.
  1898. >Mucus colored slime falls from the ceiling around you.
  1899. >”Psst.”
  1900. >A little attention getting squeak is missed by your ears.
  1901. >But not by Discord’s
  1902. >”Psst!”
  1903. >You're in your own little world right now.
  1904. >Discord poofs over to the source of the sound.
  1905. >It's Fluttershy in the kitchen, peeking around the corner.
  1906. >”What's the matter Fluttershy? I thought that was going rather well.”
  1907. >”Discord, you might be going a bit overboard with the whole nightmare realm.”
  1908. >”Really? I think it rather ties it all together.”
  1909. >”Uhm. That's okay then I guess.”
  1910. >Discord is about to puff back with a snap of his fingers.
  1911. >But he slows down when he looks at Fluttershy.
  1912. >Like she's speaking to him without words.
  1913. >Scolding more like.
  1914. >”Alright alright. I'll cut to the chase.”
  1915. >”Thank you.”
  1916. >Discord teleports back to the couch next to you.
  1917. >He waves away all the creeping darkness and ooze.
  1918. >”Look Pinkie, a little birdie told me that you enjoy the, shall we say, the bottle more than others.”
  1919. >”Are you calling me an alcoholic? I'll have you know I don't drink more than any other pony.”
  1920. >”I get the feeling there's a lot you'd say you don't do more than other ponies.”
  1921. >”Oh yeah? Name one.”
  1922. >”Oh I don't know. Eating cake and dancing?”
  1923. >An involuntary scoff comes out of you.
  1924. >”I do not eat more cake or dance more than other ponies!”
  1925. >”Be that as it may. You certainly suffer the mornings after much more than other ponies, and it's always with that same ape-like creature.”
  1926. >”I don't have any kind of problem. I don't eat too much or drink too much or party so much I can't remember it.”
  1927. >*You cross your hooves and recede into the couch*
  1928. >Discord leaves you again to go talk to Fluttershy.
  1929. >This time you are aware and see them whispering back and forth.
  1930. >Discord seems frustrated and Fluttershy keeps pointing between you and him and then backing down.
  1931. >”Hey!”
  1932. >They both turn to you.
  1933. >”I don't like it when ponies talk about me behind my back!”
  1934. >Fluttershy is not being very forthcoming.
  1935. >”Um, we're not?”
  1936. >”Oh forget it Fluttershy. I have a much better idea.”
  1937. >Discord snaps himself out of existence and then back next to you.
  1938. >He's holding something now.
  1939. >It looks like a potato but wrong.
  1940. >It's covered in roots that are wriggling and trying to grab anything they can.
  1941. >Its brown colored skin texture moves around on it.
  1942. >”Pinkie I've just had an idea.”
  1943. >He pulls out your hooves into an accepting shape and drops the thing-tato into them.
  1944. >”Take this and go see that zebra witch in the woods. Ask her to use it in the base of a potion for you. She'll recognize it.”
  1945. >It moves around in your grasp.
  1946. >”What… what is it?”
  1947. >”It is the answer to your problems.”
  1948. >”I don't have any problems except other ponies telling me what to do.”
  1949. >Fluttershy waves at you from the corner she's still creeping behind from.
  1950. >”Pinkie please take it. He's trying his best I promise. Please.”
  1951. >”His best to do what?”
  1952. >She moves her mouth barely but you can't hear any words, just a couple of wheezy squeaks.
  1953. >Discord flies directly in front of you, enveloping your vision.
  1954. >”Oh please Pinkamina. I'm trying so hard to be a good friend. Be a good friend to me, to us,” as he pulls back to show off Fluttershy.
  1955. >”Take my gift and use it right. It'll solve all your problems whether you have them or not.”
  1956. >*You groan*
  1957. >You should be a good friend.
  1958. >*You put the thing-tato into your saddle bag*
  1959. >”Okaaaay. I Pinkie promise stick a cupcake in my eye that I will take it to Zecora.”
  1960. >”Oh thank you so much Pinkie. You don't know how happy you've made me.”
  1961. >Fluttershy gives a quiet applause in the background.
  1962. >”Well. I better get back to Sugarcube Corner. Gotta lot of cakes to bake.”
  1963. >”Toodeloo!”
  1964. >Your yellow pegasus friend is still hiding in the kitchen when she waves goodbye to you.
  1965. >As you get up to leave you wave back at her.
  1966. >You're not entirely sure how busy Sugarcube is but you'd love to be anywhere but here right now.
  1967. >*You give your final farewells and exit through Fluttershy’s front door*
  1968.  
  1969. ...
  1970.  
  1971. >Work has been slow today at the Post Office.
  1972. >You've had lots of free time to shoot the shit with your coworker Partin Parcel.
  1973. >Mostly your usual homosexual tension jokes, playing chicken up each other’s thighs, and asking in depth hypotheticals about kissing each other in increasingly obscure and strange situations.
  1974. >Partin finishes laughing at your last question involving him, zebras, and the consistency of their heads after being blown off.
  1975. >There’s a moment of silence.
  1976. >”So Anon.”
  1977. >”So Partin.”
  1978. >”Are you and Pinkie a thing?”
  1979. >”What do you mean by that?”
  1980. >Partin pulls a chair around, sitting on it backwards and resting his face and hooves and the back.
  1981. >”You know like, you two are fucking right?”
  1982. >”I don’t know what would give you that impression.”
  1983. >”Because you are with her every night and have been for like a month or something.”
  1984. >”But Partin, don’t you know?”
  1985. >”Huh?”
  1986. >”I’m gay.”
  1987. >The both of you share a stare.
  1988. >Then Partin starts giggling.
  1989. >You join in.
  1990. >”But really though.”
  1991. >”No I mean. We’re not like dating or something like that.”
  1992. >Partin gets up on his hindlegs and mimes humping the air and slapping the ass that is the target of said humping.
  1993. >”But you are slamming ham?”
  1994. >”I don’t, I would really rather we not talk about this.”
  1995. >”Well why not.”
  1996. >”I just don’t wanna man.”
  1997. >*You cross your arms*
  1998. >”Alright. My bad. I’ll drop it.”
  1999. >Partin sits back down on the chair facing correctly this time.
  2000. >The air is thick and heavy now between the two of you.
  2001. >Why is it anypony else’s business whether or not you were sleeping with Pinkie?
  2002. >Why were they talking behind your back about it?
  2003. >You wish they would mind their own business and leave you and Pinkie alone.
  2004. >Partin wasn’t the first to ask.
  2005. >At first it was much more light hearted questions from ponies being their light hearted selves.
  2006. >Asking when you are gonna get married and have a bunch of foals.
  2007. >But some of them were more aggressive.
  2008. >Getting in your face and confronting you, saying “it ain’t right to be treatin’ a mare that way”.
  2009. >Such ponies should not be named.
  2010. >You just brushed them off.
  2011. >Most of them stopped bugging you but they treated you differently now.
  2012. >You could feel the judging glares from ponies you’ve never met.
  2013. >Did they know what you were actually doing to Pinkie?
  2014. >Were they telling her?
  2015. >Or were they just thinking of you as being an enabler for a pony who is drinking too much.
  2016. >Pinkie’s a grown mare.
  2017. >She can decide to cut herself off, that’s not your fault.
  2018. >She’s responsible for her own actions, sober or drunk.
  2019. >Your conversation with Partin is reverting you to how you used to be before coming to Ponyville.
  2020. >You hate it.
  2021. >Should have never gone through with any of this.
  2022. >Forget walking Pinkie home that night, it would have been better to have just stayed home that night.
  2023. >People or ponies talking about you, pointing fingers at you.
  2024. >You hate yourself.
  2025. >*You stare at the clock to count the minutes before going home*
  2026. >At least when you leave you can be with Pinkie.
  2027. >She doesn’t judge you.
  2028. >You wonder what she’s doing right now.
  2029. >You and Partin continue to work slowly in silence.
  2030.  
  2031. …
  2032.  
  2033. >The pace at Sugarcube picked up after you returned from Fluttershy’s cottage.
  2034. >You removed your saddlebags with the thing-tato still in it.
  2035. >”Out of sight out of mind right Pinkie?”
  2036. >”You said it Pinkie.”
  2037. >*You high five yourself*
  2038. >The customers waiting on you don’t even react to you talking to yourself.
  2039. >Everypony is so used to it by now.
  2040. >They think you’re just being your wacky self.
  2041. >Helping the ponies is easy for you.
  2042. >You’re practically on auto pilot satisfying every need they have.
  2043. >A cake here, some muffins there, a Pain au chocolat to top it off.
  2044. >These ponies don’t even know what they want before they see you.
  2045. >But you know.
  2046. >You always know what a pony needs even if they don’t.
  2047. >You’re bagging some vegan spotted dick for the last bloke when it creeps back into your mind.
  2048. >That gift waiting for you in your bags.
  2049. >You can practically feel it calling to you.
  2050. >Maybe because it had crawled out of your saddlebags and was grabbing your leg.
  2051. >”AAHHH”
  2052. >You let out a short scream, falling over and nearly spilling the dick all over the place.
  2053. >”Are you alright Miss?”
  2054. >”Just fine just peachy!”
  2055. >*You scrape the eldritch vegetable off you and stand upright*
  2056. >”Here you go.”
  2057. >Without a moment of hesitation you finish ringing up the pony for his treat and wave him goodbye.
  2058. >He leaves only slightly disturbed.
  2059. >No pony else was behind him and no pony is coming in.
  2060. >*You look back towards the thing-tato*
  2061. >It reacts to you observing it.
  2062. >As if it were reading a newspaper before you turned towards it and is now pretending to be all creepy and tentacle-y.
  2063. >But you do find it to be creepy and such anyways, even if it was just sitting there.
  2064. >However, Discord did say it could solve your problems.
  2065. >Could this thing really get ponies to mind their own business?
  2066. >Would it make them truly like you?
  2067. >What if it turns into some kind of crazy love potion but on the whole town?
  2068. >That’s exactly the kind of prank you expect from Discord.
  2069. >On the other hoof he did say to take it to Zecora.
  2070. >So it’s not like she would pull a fast one on you.
  2071. >You swear the thing can hear your thoughts and is beckoning you to pick it up in response.
  2072. >”Hmmm.”
  2073. >*You scratch your chin*
  2074. >It mimics you, scratching its lack of chin.
  2075. >”You promise you’re not gonna turn into a big monster or something else crazy like that?”
  2076. >It rocks back and forth to nod.
  2077. >”Alright. Put ‘er there Thing-tato.”
  2078. >*You offer a hoofshake to it*
  2079. >The Thing-tato accepts and uses one of its prehensile roots to shake.
  2080. >”As soon as I close up shop we’ll go see Zecora okay?”
  2081. >Thing-tato is wobbling and wiggling with joy.
  2082. >”Now get back in my pack you little rascal.”
  2083. >*You stuff it back into your saddlebag*
  2084. >With your deal struck it seems much more cooperative about staying in it.
  2085. >All you have to do now is sell a few more pastries and venture through the Everfree Forest in the dark, alone.
  2086. >Easy as pie.
  2087. >The rest of the orders for the day are a breeze.
  2088. >At least you think so.
  2089. >They just sort of happened in front of you and you participated in handling them.
  2090. >But they're all sort of a blur.
  2091. >It's a familiar sensation.
  2092. >You've really gotta see Zecora as soon as Pinkie possible.
  2093. >Shake off the crud and get ready.
  2094. >It's closing time.
  2095. >You finish your pre-close duties in record time.
  2096. >Saddlebag loaded, mane fluffed, hooves raring to trot.
  2097. >You're about to head out the door when a certain voluptuous mare calls out for you.
  2098. >”Oh Pinkie? Could you be a dear and-”
  2099. >”Sorry can't gotta run.”
  2100. >You don't hear the end of Mrs. Cake’s request as you rush to leave.
  2101. >She'll be fine.
  2102. >Probably just wants you to make one last minute delivery.
  2103. >But you've already got the most important delivery and it's time sensitive to you.
  2104. >*You leave Sugarcube Corner behind and head for the forest*
  2105. >Some ponies try to stop and engage with you as you pass by, you just give them a quick excuse and apology for your brevity.
  2106. >No time for chitter chatter with towns ponies.
  2107. >No time for anything else.
  2108. >When you reach the edge of Ponyville the sun is already lowered.
  2109. >Seems a bit early to be dark out.
  2110. >It felt as if Celestia was playing a prank on you.
  2111. >This might prove funny in the future if you're not eaten by timber wolves.
  2112. >*You enter the Everfree woods and keep a brisk pace*
  2113. >The sound of the wind through the trees isn’t so spooky.
  2114. >Neither is the howling and guttural screaming of dangerous animals.
  2115. >What is really bothering you however is the cold.
  2116. >You really should have brought a sweater or a scarf or something.
  2117. >You’re shivering non stop by the time you reach Zecora’s hut.
  2118. >Vibrating when it’s unrelated to your Pinkie sense sucks.
  2119. >Hopefully Zecora has that cauldron cranked up to high, you’re freezing your tail off out here.
  2120. >*You knock on the door faster than usual, non stop until it opens*
  2121. >Zecora’s eyes are bulging out looking at you in annoyance when she finally answers.
  2122. >Upon seeing it's you she slams the door.
  2123. >”Uhh…”
  2124. >Before you can finish thinking, the door opens again more gracefully.
  2125. >Also more graceful is Zecora who is now her usual calm and collected self.
  2126. >”Forgive me Pinkie. I thought you were a beast or somepony else. I was prepared to get the bat from under my shelf.”
  2127. >”That's alright Zecora. I'm thankful you did not bash my brains in.”
  2128. >For added effect you push a hoof into the side of your head which comes out the other side.
  2129. >”Come in, come in. Please enter my home as kin.”
  2130. >You enter Zecora’s home and it's just as you remember it.
  2131. >Covered in candles and spooky masks from a distant exotic land.
  2132. >Someplace like the back of a knickknack store instead of the window display.
  2133. >It's even warm.
  2134. >She really must use that cauldron as a space heater or something.
  2135. >”So what brings you out here? Through the woods at night in spite of fear?”
  2136. >”Well it's not me that's brought me out here. It's Discord.”
  2137. >*You reach into your bag and pull out Thing-tato*
  2138. >”And this creepy little fella. I was told you'd know what to do and solve all my problems.”
  2139. >With Tato presented Zecora leans in closer to inspect it.
  2140. >Her muzzle inches away, Thing-tato reaches it's roots out towards her.
  2141. >Like a lost child looking for their mother.
  2142. >”Hmm. A portion I have in mind for you, but using this who knows what it might do.”
  2143. >”You mean to tell me you don't know what it is?”
  2144. >Zecora shakes her head side to side.
  2145. >”I believe it is for a Morning Nightcap. A good potion to have if not a trap.”
  2146. >”What is it supposed to do?”
  2147. >Zecora takes a stick in her mouth and places it against Thing-tato which instinctively latches on.
  2148. >She moves it to a counter surrounded by alchemical ingredients and sets it down.
  2149. >”Should this mix correctly you would have no hangover. But there is no way to tell until it's over.”
  2150. >That's some nightcap.
  2151. >Hey wait a minute.
  2152. >”Hey wait a minute, that's not a real rhyme.”
  2153. >Zecora stands up straight and stiff.
  2154. >”Uh, yes it is…”
  2155. >Her eyes look around the room for inspiration.
  2156. >”Yes it is.”
  2157. >”You did it again!”
  2158. >”Do you want my help or not? I could always let this Tato rot.”
  2159. >You and Thing-tato recoil at the thought.
  2160. >Suddenly you feel very attached to this strange little vegetable.
  2161. >”No no no no, please help me out Zecora. I really need you. Just do whatever it is you gotta do.”
  2162. >”Very well, please take a seat. While I prepare for you this treat.”
  2163. >Not wanting to upset your gracious host you instantly shoot into the closest chair.
  2164. >You’re not sure if it’s desperation or your desire to please.
  2165. >It’s not important, stop thinking so hard.
  2166. >Instead you inspect your surroundings.
  2167. >Zecora’s house really is full of a bunch of seemingly random stuff.
  2168. >Does she make all these masks herself or are they from home?
  2169. >And just where the heck do zebras come from?
  2170. >You tried asking your friends once and instead Applejack started going on about how she sure would like to know too but not like the same way as you?
  2171. >It seemed more aggressive and like she meant something else.
  2172. >Twilight started talking about statistics and test scores and…
  2173. >What’s Zecora doing?
  2174. >That’s probably way more interesting.
  2175. >”Hey Zecora.”
  2176. >”Yes, guest?”
  2177. >”Watcha doin?”
  2178. >”A long process to make spirits called fermentation. But I can speed it up with a little potion making persuasion.”
  2179. >”No kidding.”
  2180. >As Zecora answers you she is pouring all kinds of bottles and vials into a pot.
  2181. >She even throws a rod of some kind of metal in there.
  2182. >Flashes of light and smoke burst from it with each ingredient added.
  2183. >”And now for you our mysterious friend, into the mix so you may ascend.”
  2184. >Zecora moves her hoof to pick up Thing-tato but it beats her to the punch, jumping from the counter into the pot.
  2185. >It seemed happy to do so.
  2186. >The striped witch doctor shrugs and continues working.
  2187. >She works smoothly and fast.
  2188. >You can't help yourself.
  2189. >”You really are a pro at that voodoo you do.”
  2190. >Zecora turns around very slowly to look you directly in the eyes.
  2191. >She stares at you.
  2192. >You stare at her.
  2193. >”Don't do that.”
  2194. >She turns back around and continues making your potion.
  2195. >It is stirred, it is boiled, it's spiced for flavor.
  2196. >You should be more thankful.
  2197. >Zecora is being helpful for you despite the fact that you keep annoying her.
  2198. >You see a chance to be funny and you take it.
  2199. >It's just a shame Zecora doesn't think it's very amusing.
  2200. >Maybe she'd prefer different material.
  2201. >You just wanna make her laugh.
  2202. >Oh, no more time for dwelling.
  2203. >Looks like she's all finished and bottling it now.
  2204. >”The brewing is done. This stuff is strong but won't knock you on your bum.”
  2205. >Zecora takes a label from a pile of empty bottles and slaps it on the potion.
  2206. >When she brings it closer you can see it says “Malt liquor aged fifteen years”.
  2207. >”Wait a second. You made that in like fifteen minutes, not years.”
  2208. >”That's just something the booze merchants put on bottles to make it sell. But give any pony a taste test and none can tell.”
  2209. >Zecora gives the potion to you and you place it into your bag.
  2210. >”Thanks a bunch for this. So what do I do with it?”
  2211. >”Drink to your heart's content and after the last drop is drunk drink this potion to clear your mind of funk. Although with Discord’s special ingredient I cannot say the effects will be obedient.”
  2212. >”So just drink it after I've partied myself out and it'll solve all my problems?”
  2213. >”That's not what-”
  2214. >”No more time for rhyming. I've gotta run see ya Zecora thank you.”
  2215. >Once again you've cut someone off to expedite your problems.
  2216. >You've got a real solution in your hooves now.
  2217. >There's not a moment to lose.
  2218. >*You zip out of Zecora’s tree hut as quick as you can*
  2219. >Her door slams behind you as you barrel through the Everfree at pink speed.
  2220. >It's about time you got sauced up with Nonny with your new answers to be found at the bottom of a bottle.
  2221.  
  2222. ...
  2223.  
  2224. >You didn’t stick around very long after work ended.
  2225. >It’s not because you were mad at Partin.
  2226. >You just didn’t want to talk to him or be near him or see him other than to say goodbye.
  2227. >Say goodbye and quickly help Derpy with getting her uniform off.
  2228. >Nothing else.
  2229. >You’re even more put off because Pinkie didn’t greet you after work.
  2230. >Normally you would have seen her by now before doing the usual with her.
  2231. >It’s throwing you out of whack right now.
  2232. >Should you go see if she’s still at Sugarcube?
  2233. >Would that come off as desperate?
  2234. >She obviously wants to see you, she has been seeing you for a while of her own free will.
  2235. >You’re supposed to return the favor when someone, you mean somepony does that.
  2236. >Never before have you been so thankful there’s no such thing as cell phones in Equestria.
  2237. >By now you would have blown up Pinkie’s phone with all these thoughts over a million texts that all sound awkward and off putting.
  2238. >At best it would have been half a million after talking to somepony who isn’t a close friend for advice on whether or not you should send them.
  2239. >You’ll just go check on her at Sugarcube.
  2240. >Your walk there is uneventful.
  2241. >The usual treatment from your fellow Ponyville citizens.
  2242. >When you do arrive the door is locked, the lights are off.
  2243. >Not unusual you suppose.
  2244. >*You knock to the tune of Shave and a Haircut*
  2245. >”Two bits!”
  2246. >Sugarcube is equipped with a Dutch door and as such the top half unlocks and opens to reveal a Mr. Cake singing with bravado in his nasally voice.
  2247. >He leans on his elbows against the bottom half of the door, his front legs hanging off.
  2248. >He is breathing hard, covered in lathery sweat and a clear shiny liquid, particularly on his hooves.
  2249. >”What can I do ya for Anonymous?”
  2250. >”Uh, are you busy?”
  2251. >”Oh no it’s alright. I could use the break.”
  2252. >”I’m just looking for Pinkie.”
  2253. >”Well she’s not here. Hasn’t been since closing time. Funny thing too. We were gonna ask her to go to your place tonight so we could have Sugarcube to ourselves. But before the missus could ask she bolted off on her own.”
  2254. >”So you don’t know where she is?”
  2255. >Mr. Cake takes one of his glistening hooves and scratches his chin with it, getting the slick substance all over his face.
  2256. >”Hmm. Nope sorry.”
  2257. >”Mhm mhm.”
  2258. >You nod and hum in agreement as you watch.
  2259. >”Hey. If you’re checking here maybe she’s checking your house. You could just walk back and you’ll probably run into each other.”
  2260. >“Yeah sure that sounds like a good idea. I’ll do that.”
  2261. >*You walk backwards waving goodbye to Mr. Cake*
  2262. >He waves back at you, splattering amounts of goo all over his front porch.
  2263. >”Oh love muffin! Are you ready for more?”
  2264. >The sound of Mrs. Cake can be heard coming from inside.
  2265. >”Yes dear!”
  2266. >Mr. Cake seems giddy as he finishes up waving to you and closing his door.
  2267. >The locks click shut again.
  2268. >He’s probably right.
  2269. >You should just go home.
  2270. >On your way home there is no cute pink pony to be found.
  2271. >Not the one you want anyways.
  2272. >There’s no pony waiting for you at the door to your house either.
  2273. >You are slightly disappointed that Pinkie wasn’t waiting for you at Sugarcube and didn’t come find you after work.
  2274. >Maybe this whole thing was a game or a prank she was pulling on you.
  2275. >The punchline could be coming any second.
  2276. >*You unlock your front door and enter your home*
  2277. >It’s dark inside, all the lights are off.
  2278. >Lightning strikes, lighting the whole room for you to see.
  2279. >A darkened silhouette of a very attractive and cool and funny mare flashes for a second.
  2280. >”Hello Anonymous.”
  2281. >*You reach for a nearby lamp to see*
  2282. >When it turns on you see half illuminated sitting in a large cushioned chair, which you don’t remember owning, Pinkie Pie.
  2283. >”Pinkie!”
  2284. >The desperation and excitement in your voice was a bit more than you intended.
  2285. >”I mean, Pinkie.”
  2286. >This time you say her name more suave and collected.
  2287. >”I’ve been expecting you, Anonymous!”
  2288. >”This is my house.”
  2289. >She leaps from the chair and places her eyes directly on yours, almost like she was staring into them.
  2290. >”Exactly!”
  2291. >Slowly she recedes back into the chair.
  2292. >Her hooves come together just below her face, providing a mantle for her sinister smile.
  2293. >*You stare at her*
  2294. >She stares at you.
  2295. >You break the silence.
  2296. >”So, did you wanna get hammered?”
  2297. >”Hmm, yeah.”
  2298. >Pinkie hops off the chair and kicks it just out of your vision.
  2299. >”Let's, as I say, party!”
  2300. >After all, what else is there?
  2301. >You've been holding back on binge drinking lately.
  2302. >The mornings after have just been getting too painful and sweaty and vomit in your mouthy.
  2303. >But fuck it.
  2304. >You could use a little extra tonight.
  2305. >You and Pinkie head to the kitchen to get started.
  2306. >A bottle of Apple whiskey sounds good to you.
  2307. >”Shots?”
  2308. >Pinkie puts a hoof to the side of her head and makes a click-click bang sound.
  2309. >Confetti comes out the other side.
  2310. >”Oh yeah, shots.”
  2311. >She takes the bottle from you and throws her head back to drink it, letting the liquor drain into her throat.
  2312. >The glugging sound made as air fills the bottle when she drinks is rather loud.
  2313. >It's also constant.
  2314. >She's drunk at least a third of it before it parts from her lips.
  2315. >Pinkie makes an exaggerated gasp and wipes the remnants of liquid gold from her mouth.
  2316. >An action you are familiar with performing on her.
  2317. >*You take the bottle back from Pinkie*
  2318. >”Well I guess that was shots, plural.”
  2319. >It's your turn to follow up that inspiring performance.
  2320. >*You try to copy her, moving your head the same way and chugging the bottle*
  2321. >Normally you would gag and cough when the whiskey inevitably hits your tongue.
  2322. >But it doesn't bother you.
  2323. >It's not that you can't tell you're drinking alcohol.
  2324. >It does still burn in the back of your throat.
  2325. >It sits warm and heavy in your stomach.
  2326. >You just don't care anymore.
  2327. >*You finish half of what Pinkie left*
  2328. >That should be a proper start for both of you.
  2329. >Whatever trouble or inhibitions you might have had preventing you from getting thoroughly drunk tonight are now gone.
  2330. >You and Pinkie pass the bottle back and forth taking smaller sips this time until it's finished.
  2331. >This was definitely a good choice.
  2332. >”Hey Nonny.”
  2333. >”Hey… hey Pinkie.”
  2334. >”I've got an idea. Why don't you grab a bottle and we go out?”
  2335. >Pinkie looks at the empty bottle.
  2336. >”Or actually we both take a bottle.”
  2337. >”Well, another bottle sounds like a good idea. But go out and do what?”
  2338. >”I don't know about you but some ponies have been being really really mean- I mean they've been really pranking me. Pranking me super hard lately.”
  2339. >”Uhm, yeah I've been getting pranked on.”
  2340. >Pinkie leans in close and lays a hoof on your shoulder.
  2341. >”So how about we prank them back?”
  2342. >”Hmm.”
  2343. >*You get another bottle for yourself and one for Pinkie*
  2344. >You didn't even bother to look at what it is, just as long as it's liquor.
  2345. >*You open it and take a quick gulp of… Tequila*
  2346. >”Yeah, yeah. Let's do some shit.”
  2347. >*You give her the other bottle*
  2348. >Pinkie opens whatever you gave her and together you toast each other's liquor before taking a cheerful swing.
  2349. >”Mmm, that's some smooth,” she inspects the mystery liquid she just imbibed, “hundred proof spiced rum.”
  2350. >You don't even remember buying that one, it could probably be used for rocket fuel.
  2351. >*You steady yourself and refocus*
  2352. >”Alright. I'll grab a jacket.”
  2353. >”And I'll get my pony sized jacket.”
  2354. >”I think you left one on the couch.”
  2355. >Pinkie stumbles off to your living room to check.
  2356. >”Sure did!”
  2357. >While Pinkie equips herself for the could you do the same.
  2358. >A fuzzy parka and a suede scarf, it even has tassels on the end.
  2359. >A loving gift from your mutual friend Rarity.
  2360. >”Alright I'm ready. Pinkie you got your stuff?”
  2361. >”Uh huh!”
  2362. >She trots back in with a skip and a hop, swaying her hips side to side.
  2363. >You're not sure if it's her doing it or the alcohol.
  2364. >She sure is cute though.
  2365. >Your bottle is seated nicely in your jacket pocket.
  2366. >Pinkie's rum is still on the counter.
  2367. >”Hey a little help here please?”
  2368. >Pinkie points to it.
  2369. >*You take the rum and place it into her mane.
  2370. >It fits snugly and you can see her hair fastening around it.
  2371. >*You move towards your door sloppily*
  2372. >”Alright let's boogie.”
  2373. >”Uh huh, oh yeah.”
  2374. >Pinkie joins you at your side ready to go.
  2375. >”Oh wait I almost forgot.”
  2376. >She zips back to the kitchen and you hear some glass clanking around.
  2377. >When she comes back nothing seems different.
  2378. >“What did you forget?”
  2379. >”Shhh, it's a surprise.”
  2380. >Oh well, you think.
  2381. >A shrug and a downward push on your door lever and the two of you are off.
  2382. >”So Pinkie, who did you wanna prank first?”
  2383. >”Psh, who don't I wanna you mean. There's not a pony in this town who can keep their opinions- pranks to themselves.”
  2384. >Pinkie looks around her surroundings.
  2385. >”Hmm, oh that guy!”
  2386. >”You mean old stallion Good Natured?”
  2387. >”Yeah. He called me a slut. Can you believe that?”
  2388. >”Really? Him?”
  2389. >”Mhm.”
  2390. >Pinkie grips her run with the hook and of her mane and bites the cork off.
  2391. >She takes a big gulp of confidence.
  2392. >It looks like a good idea.
  2393. >*You take a shot’s worth of confidence*
  2394. >”Alright Nonny, I'll crawl low to the ground behind him and you push him.”
  2395. >”We're gonna tabletop Good Natured?”
  2396. >Pinkie gets a twinkle in her eyes.
  2397. >”There's a name for it?”
  2398. >She takes another sip.
  2399. >”Okay let's go.”
  2400. >Pinkie gets low to the ground, crawling along it exceptionally fast with her belly just above scraping the dirt.
  2401. >*You clumsily re cap your tequila and shove it into your pocket trying to keep up with her*
  2402. >Good Natured spots you coming but not Pinkie.
  2403. >”Why hello there Mr. Anonymous. What can I do for you on this fine evenin’?”
  2404. >”Uh, f-fall over?”
  2405. >”I beg your pardon?”
  2406. >Pinkie is right behind the old stallion, signaling at you to shove him.
  2407. >Well how nice can he really be if he called Pinkie a slut?
  2408. >*You slightly squat and lean forward to really give old Mr. Good Natured a proper push*
  2409. >As expected his hind legs catch on Pinkie Pie and he tilts up, losing all balance and contact between his hooves and the ground.
  2410. >Good Natured falls on his back.
  2411. >”Ahh! Help!”
  2412. >Pinkie shoots up into a triumphant stance over your first victim.
  2413. >”Ha ha! Gotcha!”
  2414. >When you look at the stallion on the floor he's squirming and flailing around.
  2415. >He doesn't look hurt at all, he's fine.
  2416. >His state of being has nothing to do with you and Pinkie cheesing it before anypony else showed up.
  2417. >The two of you take cover and hide behind a house to catch your breath.
  2418. >Pinkie scratches her chin.
  2419. >”You know, now that I think about it I don't think old stallion Good Natured said anything like that to me.”
  2420. >”Oh.”
  2421. >“Yeah oh well. Better to have tabled and lost than to have never tabled at all.”
  2422. >”Let’s just call it a practice run.”
  2423. >Pinkie takes a shot.
  2424. >So do you.
  2425. >She wipes the spittle from her mouth.
  2426. >”Alright let’s try another.”
  2427. >”Mhm.”
  2428. >You and Pinkie scuttle away from your hiding spot.
  2429. >Patrolling the town looking for your next mark.
  2430. >You spot one.
  2431. >Two actually, Lyra and Bon Bon.
  2432. >”You see that house over there?”
  2433. >”Yeah it’s where Lyra and Bon Bon live.”
  2434. >”Bon told me I don’t know a damn thing about commitment just like every other stallion.”
  2435. >”Well that’s not a very funny prank.”
  2436. >”No it isn’t.”
  2437. >*You reach into Pinkie’s mane and rummage around*
  2438. >There’s gotta be something you can use in there.
  2439. >”Perfect.”
  2440. >From inside the pink pony’s hair you find a carton of eggs.
  2441. >She’s always ready to bake a cake.
  2442. >”Here, we can throw these at their house.”
  2443. >”Hmm, ok.”
  2444. >*You open up the carton and hand an egg to Pinkie*
  2445. >Both of you creep closer and closer until you’re within throwing range of the tackily decorated home.
  2446. >Both of you wind up for the toss.
  2447. >And, release.
  2448. >Two direct hits, right across the front door.
  2449. >You and Pinkie look at each other in shock like you just did that misdeed by accident.
  2450. >But then you both giggle at each other.
  2451. >Tee hee.
  2452. >You and her get ready to throw more eggs.
  2453. >Splatter after splatter, it’s a yolk bath out there, it’s a massacre.
  2454. >Until one of you throws an egg too hard and it breaks a window.
  2455. >”What? Pinkie? How did that even happen?”
  2456. >”Because it was funny!”
  2457. >The front door swings open and Bon Bon comes out with her hoof raised.
  2458. >She’s yelling.
  2459. >”Who threw that! Which one of you dead mother fuckers just threw that shit!”
  2460. >Lyra’s voice can be heard coming from inside the house.
  2461. >”Bon Bon! Please come back inside, I'm scared.”
  2462. >”Shut up honey!”
  2463. >You know deep down you are entirely in the wrong on this one.
  2464. >However, that doesn’t stop an involuntary laugh from coming out of you.
  2465. >It’s infectious too, causing Pinkie to start laughing with you.
  2466. >Which causes you to laugh even harder and so on.
  2467. >”Who is that! I can hear you shit stains!”
  2468. >You and Pinkie can’t stop laughing but try to stifle it anyways.
  2469. >Hand and hoof over mouth.
  2470. >Bon Bon is coming your way.
  2471. >*You pick up Pinkie piggyback style so she can keep muffling herself*
  2472. >She’s even kind enough to do it for you too, placing a hoof over your mouth so you can keep both hands under her rump.
  2473. >As you flee you can hear Bon Bon yelling more swears directed at you.
  2474. >When you get a safe enough distance away Pinkie frees yours and her voice.
  2475. >”Oh my gosh oh my gosh that was such a rush. It was so funny too. But now I feel a little sick. Drink!”
  2476. >Pinkie takes her rum and chugs an unhealthy amount.
  2477. >When in Rome, setting her down so you can follow her example.
  2478. >It doesn’t even feel like alcohol anymore.
  2479. >It flows down your throat like water.
  2480. >”Hey Nonny.”
  2481. >”Hey… hey Pinkie.”
  2482. >”Riding on your back gave me an idea.”
  2483. >”What idea would that be?”
  2484. >Pinkie reaches into her mane and pulls out a baseball bat.
  2485. >”Let’s smash some mail boxes.”
  2486. >”Pinkie! For shame. You know very well I am a proud member of the Equestrian Postal Service!”
  2487. >”Oh right. Sorry.”
  2488. >She looks disappointed.
  2489. >”Oh you know I’m just screwing with you. Hop on and let's get to vandalizing.”
  2490. >*You point your butt out and towards Pinkie, gesturing with your thumb for her to hop on*
  2491. >”Oh Nonny.”
  2492. >She squees and jumps onto your back.
  2493. >Thankfully ponies don’t weigh as much as horses.
  2494. >There’s still a large “oof” released from your lungs when she does it.
  2495. >She’s still heavy enough.
  2496. >”Onward my valiant steed!”
  2497. >”You’re supposed to say ‘Loyal’ not valiant.”
  2498. >”My bad.”
  2499. >Pinkie plays out her motions and lip sync in reverse to properly address you.
  2500. >”Onward my loyal steed!”
  2501. >”That’s better.”
  2502. >Now that you are rightfully titled you start moving your legs.
  2503. >It’s pretty hard with the amount of booze in your bloodstream and the amount of pony on your back.
  2504. >You gotta be careful you don’t get pulled over for carrying under the influence.
  2505. >But you’re building momentum.
  2506. >Picking up speed.
  2507. >You’ve got direction and velocity.
  2508. >You’re now running with Pinkie in tow.
  2509. >The run is a bit wobbly and swaying, but you’re staying upright.
  2510. >You can see a mailbox, it belongs to a modest cottage.
  2511. >Not really sure who owns that cottage.
  2512. >Too bad for them they wanted to get letters so now they must suffer.
  2513. >*You barrel towards the mailbox, trying to get Pinkie close without slamming yourself, stomach first, into it*
  2514. >Pinkie goes for the wind up.
  2515. >She twirls the bat behind her head.
  2516. >She swings.
  2517. >With a satisfying wooden crack the mailbox explodes.
  2518. >You flinch slightly from the shock.
  2519. >Wow, you were expecting it to take a dent, get knocked off the post, or maybe just bend the whole thing.
  2520. >But she demolished that thing.
  2521. >”Holy shit Pinkie. That was amazing.”
  2522. >You’re still running, keeping a good pace.
  2523. >”Oh you, you’re just trying to bu-atter me up.”
  2524. >”That was terrible.”
  2525. >You don’t say what you mean.
  2526. >Because you’re laughing and so is she, she’s snorting even.
  2527. >You want to look back to see a nameplate or something, to know whose house that was.
  2528. >But you can’t quite turn your head.
  2529. >”Hey Pinkie, whose house did we just hit?”
  2530. >She turns around and exaggerates the motion for a spyglass.
  2531. >”Uhh, I think it was yours?”
  2532. >”Oh man I’d hate to be that guy.”
  2533. >Thinking is hard and running easy.
  2534. >Best not to think then.
  2535. >You and Pinkie have more mailboxes to smash.
  2536. >Flowing through Ponyville together, you feel great.
  2537. >Just really alive and free with this pink pony.
  2538. >She demolishes another mailbox.
  2539. >You’re just absolutely enamored by this mare.
  2540. >Another swing, another homerun.
  2541. >”Hey, is that Rarity’s boutique?”
  2542. >Pinkie double checks before responding.
  2543. >”Heck yeah it is. She’s been pranking me for weeks. Let’s get her!”
  2544. >*You change direction and head towards the overly designed fashion store*
  2545. >Unfortunately it turns out that yelling and sprinting through town committing acts of destruction against private and public property creates a lot of noise.
  2546. >Rarity opens her door.
  2547. >She’s levitating a sewing machine with her.
  2548. >”I swear to Celestia I will brain whatever deviant ruffian thinks he can mess with my property!”
  2549. >You are still running towards Rarity’s box.
  2550. >You’re too close and going too fast to stop.
  2551. >”Anonymous? Pinkie Pie!”
  2552. >Although you supposed Pinkie could just not swing.
  2553. >”Hi Rarity!”
  2554. >However, Pinkie thinks otherwise.
  2555. >She cracks that mailbox in half with thunderous reverb.
  2556. >You were going to keep running anyway but now you have no choice.
  2557. >”Get back here you vandals!”
  2558. >Rarity is chasing after you.
  2559. >Oh no, you forgot.
  2560. >You can’t run as fast as ponies.
  2561. >She’s catching up to you, even with her focusing on that sewing machine she’s still got levitated.
  2562. >Oh God, oh Celestia, oh Pinkie.
  2563. >This is how you die.
  2564. >By getting your skull caved in by a marshmallow.
  2565. >You’re moving through back alleys trying to evade her but she’s not slowing down and she’s only getting closer.
  2566. >She’s right on top of you.
  2567. >Looking behind to see her within braining distance you trip.
  2568. >Together you and Pinkie roll and tumble to the ground, stopping when you hit a wall back first.
  2569. >You and Pinkie grab each other for comfort as Rarity now slowly approaches.
  2570. >”What is wrong with you two? By Equestria’s might I will teach the both of you a lesson in respecting the beauty of a hoof crafted mailbox!”
  2571. >At last your troubles are over.
  2572. >*You close your eyes*
  2573. >Pinkie’s mane and tail start vibrating.
  2574. >”Oh Nonny! Nonny Nonny Nonny! Hold onto me tight!”
  2575. >You were about to do so even if she hadn’t asked.
  2576. >With you in her embrace Pinkie grips you back and pulls on the end of her mane, stretching it to its limit.
  2577. >She lets go and it springs back, it makes a snap sound and teleports both of you safely away through a pinkhole.
  2578. >Rarity is left standing alone.
  2579. >”What? WHAT!?”
  2580. >Rarity is so flabbergasted she loses her concentration and drops the sewing machine, breaking it.
  2581. >”You have got to be kidding me!”
  2582.  
  2583. …
  2584.  
  2585. >It’s dark when you open your eyes.
  2586. >And you still have your tequila.
  2587. >”Pssst. Nonny.”
  2588. >”Pinkie? Are you dead too?”
  2589. >”We’re not dead silly. You gotta push open the door.”
  2590. >”Huh?”
  2591. >”Puuuush.”
  2592. >You do as she commands, bracing yourself forward up against something flat and hard in the darkness.
  2593. >It’s starting to give away as you gain more confidence in the amount of force to use.
  2594. >Too much confidence.
  2595. >You tumble face first into the ground.
  2596. >At least the door was open now.
  2597. >*You look around to figure out where you ended up*
  2598. >”Pinkie, I am too low to the ground and drunk to see where we are.”
  2599. >Pinkie Pie being the thoughtful and caring individual she is, stands in your back.
  2600. >”Lucky for you I am only one of those things.”
  2601. >She takes a peek around, spinning her head, and only her head, three hundred and sixty degrees before it snaps backs to position.
  2602. >”It looks like we're at Sweet Apple Acres. More specifically an outhouse at Sweet Apple Acres.”
  2603. >”Oh. That's gross.”
  2604. >”It may be. But it's also funny.”
  2605. >*You pick yourself up, knocking Pinkie off for her turn in the dirt*
  2606. >”Well. I don't know about you but I'm starving.”
  2607. >”You know Nonny, Applejack also pranked me. I bet she's got something to eat in her kitchen.”
  2608. >”I bet she does.”
  2609. >The two of you take your bottles in hand and hoof, thinking alike and without words.
  2610. >The caps come off and the bottles go bottoms up.
  2611. >Not all of the liquor ends up in your mouths.
  2612. >You're sloppy, she's sloppy.
  2613. >Pinkie doesn't even seem to be enjoying it anymore.
  2614. >She winces and struggles to keep drinking.
  2615. >She coughs and her rum spills down her cheeks, chin, and neck.
  2616. >But she doesn't stop, neither do you.
  2617. >Gulp after gulp until your bottles are empty.
  2618. >Your vision is shaky, like the whole world is vibrating.
  2619. >You just need some food to balance you out.
  2620. >With your bottle dry you lift it up high above your head and throw it far off, shattering into a million dangerous shards right where Apple Bloom plays.
  2621. >That didn't really feel good but you would still do it again given the chance.
  2622. >”Alright Pinkie let's-”
  2623. >It's hard to focus your vision on your companion.
  2624. >But you can still tell something's off.
  2625. >”Pinkie what's wrong with your hair? It looks flat and lifeless.”
  2626. >”Huh?”
  2627. >Pinkie rubs her mane, and to her surprise you're right.
  2628. >”I guess it is. But I feel fine.”
  2629. >”Are you, um, are you like sure?”
  2630. >”Maybe?”
  2631. >”You wanna throw your bottle like I did? It made me feel better.”
  2632. >”Ok.”
  2633. >Pinkie leans back, not very much mind you she's incredibly drunk and would fall over.
  2634. >She doesn't toss it very far.
  2635. >Instead she opts to throw it directly in front of her.
  2636. >It still breaks but not as fantastically as yours.
  2637. >One of the glass pieces came back and hit Pinkie in her left front leg.
  2638. >”Pinkie you're bleeding.”
  2639. >”Am I? It doesn't hurt.”
  2640. >”Let me help. I'll get it.”
  2641. >*You bend at the knees, crouching to keep balance to take out the glass*
  2642. >It's not very big but she's still cut, blood is slowly dripping out.
  2643. >”This is rough. We should get you a bandaid or something.”
  2644. >”Yeah Nonny, I bet there's some in AJ’s house.”
  2645. >”And food too.”
  2646. >”And cider!”
  2647. >You both smile at the thought of more booze but it doesn't re-frizz Pinkie’s hair.
  2648. >It'll be fine.
  2649. >She's probably just sad about not having enough to drink.
  2650. >The pair of scoundrels that you are, you head together towards the Apple family home.
  2651. >You're trying to remain unseen as you fall climbing over the fence.
  2652. >Pinkie wants to be as quiet as possible when she throws a rock through the window by the front door.
  2653. >Only to find out it's unlocked.
  2654. >That makes her laugh.
  2655. >You too.
  2656. >Pinkie goes towards the kitchen first, you check the bathroom for some first aid.
  2657. >You've been inside a couple times, it's not too hard finding your way around even if you're wasted.
  2658. >Bingo, a box of pink bandaids labeled for children.
  2659. >*You go to the kitchen to assist Pinkie*
  2660. >”Psst Nonny, check it out. I found a six pack of Babst Blue Ribbon.”
  2661. >”Sick.”
  2662. >Standing is getting pretty tiresome.
  2663. >You decide it would be easier to get on the floor and crawl over to Pinkie Pie.
  2664. >”Hold still for a second. I need to put this on your cut.”
  2665. >Pinkie has already cracked open a cold one, she puts the opening to her lips.
  2666. >”Hmm?”
  2667. >She nods and muffles out a “okay sure”.
  2668. >You've got to keep your hands steady for this next part.
  2669. >Careful, careful…
  2670. >You put the bandaid on the wrong direction, going perpendicular to the cut.
  2671. >”Nailed it.”
  2672. >”I'm fine, I'm fiiiine. Now take a beer already would ya?”
  2673. >”Yes ma'am.”
  2674. >Slowly you rotate into a slump, back against the cabinets and drawers.
  2675. >Pinkie just flops down on her butt, leaning against the cabinets with you.
  2676. >Right next to you, rubbing right against you.
  2677. >She goes to open a can on her mane hook.
  2678. >She forgot it's not there.
  2679. >”Oh, right.”
  2680. >She just gives you the unopened can.
  2681. >”Thanks Pinkie.”
  2682. >*You pop the top and take a sip*
  2683. >So does Pinkie.
  2684. >She sighs.
  2685. >So do you.
  2686. >”Hey Nonny.”
  2687. >”Hey Pinkie.”
  2688. >”I think I'm sad.”
  2689. >”I think I know why.”
  2690. >”Well I don't. All I do now is get drink with you. Drunk I mean.”
  2691. >”That's, I mean we don't have to do this anymore.”
  2692. >”I don't know. I don't think it's the drinking. I liked it before. I like you now. I hope you like me too.”
  2693. >You both drink.
  2694. >”I do.”
  2695. >Another drink.
  2696. >”Nonny?”
  2697. >Suddenly, an interruption.
  2698. >”There they are AJ, get ‘em!”
  2699. >”This is my habitat and I do not consent to your presence!”
  2700. >Applejack comes from behind the corner, spouting her rehearsed speech should anypony ever break in.
  2701. >She is also walking upright with a shotgun.
  2702. >Apple Bloom is hiding behind her like a child behind her mother tattling on other kids at a playground.
  2703. >Except this playground is a clear cut case of breaking and entering.
  2704. >”Hi Applejack!”
  2705. >”Pinkie? What in? Apple Bloom! Ya told me there was burglars and ya feared for your life.”
  2706. >AJ throws her shotgun onto the table making a loud clatter.
  2707. >Her attention is turned towards her young sister.
  2708. >”But they are burglin’ and Ah did fear for my life!”
  2709. >”Yeah well, go back to bed.”
  2710. >”But!”
  2711. >”I said go!”
  2712. >Apple Bloom kicks her hooves on the ground and trots away, mumbling angry little swears to herself.
  2713. >”Now Ah know Ah didn’t just hear what Ah think Ah heard! Ya better be in bed, asleep, by the time Ah’m finished here!”
  2714. >Apple Bloom groans but continues upstairs.
  2715. >AJ sighs and returns to the two of you.
  2716. >Drunk, dribbling, and bleeding on the floor.
  2717. >”This is exactly what Ah’m talkin’ ‘bout. Ya’ll got no respect for others or tradition. Like the tradition of not breaking into my house in the middle of the night.”
  2718. >Pinkie lurches forward, plopping onto her chin.
  2719. >She rolls around getting closer to her possible cousin Applejack.
  2720. >”It’s just a prank AJ. Did ya get it?”
  2721. >”Do ya see me laughin’?”
  2722. >AJ is about to say something incredibly hurtful but honest.
  2723. >But she finally notices Pinkie’s hair.
  2724. >As much as she would like to lay into her about breaking a window and stealing her liquor she would prefer to be a good friend.
  2725. >”Is this your doin’ Anonymous?”
  2726. >”Hmm what?”
  2727. >You were starting to doze off for a second there.
  2728. >”If ya hadn’t noticed Pinkie’s state?”
  2729. >”She’s… drunk?”
  2730. >AJ moves towards you, her hooves touch down just a level below stomping.
  2731. >She quickly jabs your shoulder, digging a hoof into you before taking it out.
  2732. >”No you dirty player.”
  2733. >AJ moves her face in close to whisper to you.
  2734. >”She’s depressed. Are ya blind or just stupid? Didn’t ya see her mane?”
  2735. >”Yeah, I noticed. I was working on it.”
  2736. >”Breakin into my house no ya ain’t. You’re makin’ things worse by bein’ destructive. Ah have half a mind to detain ya for the authorities.”
  2737. >”Go ahead. Pony Prison is probably a daycare compared to what I’m used to.”
  2738. >”You’re about five seconds away from getting a hoofprint on your teeth.”
  2739. >Pinkie bumps into AJ’s hooves and your legs.
  2740. >She has rolled her way back to you both.
  2741. >”AJaaaay, are you being mean to Nonny?”
  2742. >”Not, Ah mean, darn it all to tartarus. Yes Ah am. Ah knew right from the start this was the wrong way to do things and he’s not good for ya.”
  2743. >”But I reeeeeaally like him, and he reeeeeaally likes me.”
  2744. >”That’s not important right now.”
  2745. >Pinkie’s getting a little misty eyed.
  2746. >”But what could be more important than liking me?”
  2747. >”Pinkie Ah, there’s a lot of…”
  2748. >Your mutual pink friend is on the verge of a total, sobbing, meltdown.
  2749. >Applejack sighs heavily.
  2750. >”Fine. But ya’ll are both goin’ to be workin’ for breakin’ my window.”
  2751. >In the bottomless pit that is your wisdom you have a moment of clarity and decide not to mention all the extra crimes you committed on the way to AJ’s farm.
  2752. >Pinkie does not have this clarity.
  2753. >”Does that mean we have to fix all the other stuff we broke all over Ponyville?”
  2754. >*You stare at Pinkie, your eyes somewhere between half asleep and glaring*
  2755. >”Uh, no. But Ah will be takin’ you to police for that.”
  2756. >Pinkie rolls around in pure agony, unimaginable suffering, bottomless despair.
  2757. >”Aw geez.”
  2758. >You’re not going to jail.
  2759. >Neither will you let Pinkie.
  2760. >”You’ll never take us alive!”
  2761. >In your drunken haze you reach out and grab Pinkie to make a break for the door.
  2762. >You manage to get your hands on your pink pony pal.
  2763. >You manage to move towards the exit.
  2764. >You manage to make it about two feet before tripping over your own legs trying to stand up.
  2765. >Falling face first into the floor, still gripping Pinkie at least.
  2766. >The beer cans that had been half drunk were also spilled all over the floor.
  2767. >The thought that AJ might be a few seconds from bucking your brains out crosses your mind.
  2768. >Hmmm, AJ bucking you…
  2769. >”Anonymous Ah am about three seconds away from givin’ you a lickin’. Just stop messing around and hold still.”
  2770. >”Huh?”
  2771. >Applejack bites your waistband and in one heaving motion hoists you onto her back, stomach down.
  2772. >”You too Pinkie.”
  2773. >”Okie dokie.”
  2774. >Pinkie’s skin moves as if Applejack also grabbed her in her teeth.
  2775. >She floats up into the air herself and lands smack on top of you.
  2776. >”Uh, thanks Pinkie Pie.”
  2777. >A full grown mare landing on you really takes it outta ya.
  2778. >There’s too much alcohol in your stomach and not enough food or water.
  2779. >You can’t take it.
  2780. >*You vomit onto Applejack’s floor, and part of her side*
  2781. >”Oh my Celestia! Ya can upchuck all ya want you’re still going to the station Anonymous.”
  2782. >That wasn’t your plan but also damn it.
  2783. >You’re too weak to move sandwiched between Pinkie and AJ.
  2784. >Oh yeah, that’s cool.
  2785. >Whilst you are having perverted fantasies in your head Applejack starts trotting.
  2786. >She’s one hell of a strong mare and she intends to carry both you and Pinkie.
  2787. >And unfortunately for you, she can.
  2788.  
  2789. …
  2790.  
  2791. >Applejack opens the door to the police station.
  2792. >”I'm not fucking finished talking about the power level problems between a level twenty fighter and level twenty wizard.”
  2793. >You have been rambling into AJ’s ear about whatever autistic thought popped into your head during your ride.
  2794. >”Well Ah’m done listenin’.”
  2795. >”I'm not!”
  2796. >At least Pinkie Pie always has your back.
  2797. >She's right on top of it even.
  2798. >Applejack pays no attention to either of you.
  2799. >She trots right up to the counter to talk with the officer at the front desk but is cut off.
  2800. >”Hi Anonymous!”
  2801. >The voice of the officer is familiar.
  2802. >Like you hear it every day.
  2803. >*Using all you strength and will to look up, you see the face of a ditzy grey mare*
  2804. >”Derpy?”
  2805. >”Uh huh. At least I think I am still.”
  2806. >”What are you doing here? Why are you dressed as a policemare?”
  2807. >”Because I am one!”
  2808. >She salutes the air as she enthusiastically replies to you.
  2809. >”This is my night job.”
  2810. >”How… how do you find time for this? Aren't you a single mom?”
  2811. >”You make time for the things you love.”
  2812. >Derpy sheds a single tear.
  2813. >”Shush you.”
  2814. >Applejack shushes you.
  2815. >”Ah have brought these two for ya on account of them goin’ on a vandalism spree.”
  2816. >Pinkie snaps into the conversation.
  2817. >”And boy did we spree. Ponies are gonna laugh about this one day. Heck I'm laughing about it now.”
  2818. >”Botha y'all shush.”
  2819. >Derpy is unperturbed.
  2820. >”Hi Pinkie Pie!”
  2821. >”Hi Derpy!”
  2822. >They both wave at each other.
  2823. >Applejack’s patience is wearing thin.
  2824. >”Look Derpy it's really late and Ah got lotsa work to do in a few hours. Could ya take these troublemakers off my hooves?”
  2825. >”You want me to take Pinkie and Anon in? But I'm too busy waiting for someone to bring in some vandals.”
  2826. >Applejack shucks you and Pinkie off her back and groans.
  2827. >”Derpy Ah don't have time for this bit ya do. These are the criminals you're looking for, right here. Anonymous and Pinkie Pie. Please, PLEASE take them away. Ah’m going home to sleep.”
  2828. >Derpy scratches her chin inspecting you and Pinkie.
  2829. >”Oooh. I think I get it now.”
  2830. >”Uh huh great.”
  2831. >AJ is already halfway out the door.
  2832. >Leaving you and Pinkie alone with Officer Derpy.
  2833. >Your back hurts, you’d throw up again if you had anything left to throw up.
  2834. >Maybe you can just get up and walk out without Derpy noticing.
  2835. >*Click*
  2836. >You have been handcuffed to Pinkie.
  2837. >”Alright Mr. Anonymous and Ms. Pinkamena Diane Pie, let's go to the drunk tank.”
  2838. >Derpy has placed both you and Pinkie under arrest.
  2839. >She helps you both to stand and guides you with her wings.
  2840. >The chain on your cuffs is long enough so you can with your wrist attached to Pinkie’s hoof, but not comfortably.
  2841. >You’re put at an awkward, unbalanced lean to stay upright.
  2842. >”Hey Derpy come on, we’re friends right? You know, you know me. Think of all those good times in the office.”
  2843. >Derpy looks around with shifty eyes to make sure nopony can hear her in this empty front desk room you’re all in.
  2844. >She leans in close to whisper to you both.
  2845. >”Hi Anon it’s me, Mailroom General Manager Derpy.”
  2846. >You reflexively whisper back.
  2847. >”Hi Derpy, so can you let us go?”
  2848. >”I’m really sorry Anon but that would be against the rules.”
  2849. >”Isn’t arresting us without reading us our rights also against the rules?”
  2850. >”Anon don’t be silly. You know your rights from your lefts.”
  2851. >*You groan*
  2852. >Pinkie is giggling but it doesn’t sound natural, more like she’s forcing herself to do it for the moment.
  2853. >”Alright Mr. Anonymous. Stop resisting and move along nothing to see here.”
  2854. >Derpy hits you in the back with her hooves.
  2855. >It’s not very painful, or hard, or aggressive.
  2856. >She’s not very good at her job.
  2857. >Even in your drunken stupor you can’t bring yourself to tell her at risk of hurting her feelings.
  2858. >You let her guide yourself and Pinkie through a set of double doors, pushing them open into a holding cell area.
  2859. >There’s a large cell with a few familiar faces in it.
  2860. >Berry Punch is in there with some of her belongings from home, she must come here often.
  2861. >Lyra is huddled up in the corner being comforted by some butch looking mares.
  2862. >And a handful of other ponies with silly sounding names you can’t remember right now.
  2863. >”Okay Mr. Anonymous and Ms. Pinkamena, please wait here while I get you processed.”
  2864. >Derpy opens the cage door and you both shuffle in.
  2865. >”Hey what about our cuffs?”
  2866. >Pinkie steps out of her half of the manacles, getting up on her hindlegs to bang against the bars.
  2867. >”Yeah, what about our cuffs!”
  2868. >Your cries fall on deaf ears.
  2869. >Derpy keeps trotting away towards the doors she escorted you through.
  2870. >She walks face first into them, forgetting they are pulled from this side.

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