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>"Y-Your Excellency, your heavenly mother has decreed mass is to begin in 10 minutes, w-why are you not ready?"
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>'..Ahh, my mom decrees a lot of things, Monsignor Flash..were you here when she said cake was 'an anointed, holy food'?'
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>"So, what will you do?"
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>'Pope Nonymous I peers out over the rims of his sunglasses
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>'The same shit I do every time my mother has some kind of 'decree';..go out on the balcony, give out some 'peace be with yous', bless the kids, and call it a day, sound good?'
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>"Heaven have mercy, Anonymous..may Celestia forgive us both."
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>'You worry too much..' He says taking out his phone
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>'..Buongiorno, this is his excellency; may I have Her In The Highest, please?'
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>'Hi, mama? Mama, can you put Flash and myself down for a forgiveness of sins each, please?'
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>'Grazie, mama~'
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>"Y-Your Holiness, mass was to begin hours ago!"
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>'..Ehh, you worry too much, Monsignor Flash, my holy mother is all forgiving is she not?'
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>"The masses want a decisive Pope, not a lounging laze about!"
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>'Easy there, I'm still the living vessel through which her graceful words flow fro-'
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>The loudspeaker crackles and booms:
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>[Pope Nonymous I to the office of her in the highest NOW.]
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>"Oh for gods sake.."
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>"Well, to be clear, Monsignor Flash, I have not so much *given up* things for Lent as I have ehh, merely cut back on my enjoyment of them.."
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>[POPE NONYMOUS I, TO THE OFFICE OF HER IN THE HIGHEST IMMEDIATELY]
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>"God DAMNI-..Monsignor Flash, give me a once over with our finest holy water; Mother has a nose like a bloodhound."
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>"If she smells smoke on me I'm going to have to give up LIVING for 40 days."
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...
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> U-umm your holiness? Before you go, you still haven’t blessed all the Virgin Celestia statues today and it’s nearly time for evening mass sir
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...
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>"Oh for God's sak-.." His Holiness cringes in place, awaiting the usual holy smack upside the head for saying that name in vain
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>"Heh..I guess mother's omnipotence only works when there are cakes around, hehe- OW!"
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...
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> (Dont not mock the goddess, even though I am your mother you are not above punishment. Now bring me the holy food)
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You mean your Hostess snack cakes and Häagen-Dazs?
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...
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>"My son..."
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>'Heeeere we go.'
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>"Anonymous, do you know the significance of the sacred sweets at the last supper?"
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>'I do, Mother, I attended Catechism for a very long time, as you saw fit.'
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>"Then you should know how revered the Ho Ho is."
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>'Missed alooot of weekend cartoons for that stuff..'
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>"Anonymous, we cannot break bread and partake if you do not give the blessing."
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>'Mother they're snack ca-'
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>That was NOT the verse she was looking for, contestants!
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>Mom's assumed her holiest form as she looms over him
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>"IS THAT BACKSIDE OF YOURS HANKERIN' FOR A PAPAL SPANKERIN'?"
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>'SORRY, SORRY, UHH, heh..T-Take this all of you, and eat it, this is my body which will be given up for you.'
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>"Mmm you make me so proud, my son."
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...
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So freaking lame..
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> Your holiness please! The goddess’s office is just ahead.
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Please she’s not listening, probably has a mouth full of cake
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> P-please sir dont Blaspheme the goddess
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> No, every time have a blood moon it’s “we must prepare for the dark one’s return. Gather the elements of harmony blah blah blah”
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...
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>"Saintly Sparkle, may I ask why it is you deemed it necessary to scrawl 'FAT GOD CUNT' across the door to my office?"
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>'M-Mistress most high, t-t-that was the doing of your son, not myself!'
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>"Lowly archangel, my son is a Throne; he would certainly not lower himself to the level of such crudeness."
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[Heeeeey Earthquake test, hahahah uh oh]
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>"Anonymous, get away from my work desk, that Earth isn't finished yet."
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...
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> her son is a throne
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> Yee and on the 7th day Celestia rested upon her throne. In the lap of her greatest creation. Her beloved son. And from her throne the great nectar would flow freely upon only the most worthy, the most devoted of her flock.
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> His Majesty Pope Anonymous, It is almost time for mass. Will you be leading mass in place of her in the highest this evening?
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...
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>"..Shit, I think I ate all the communion wafers."
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>'Y-Your Excellency!'
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>"What? The body of the motherly savior shouldn't taste so good.."
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...
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> One closest to me, did you… Sign off on the sisterhood’s shortened robes during the warmer days
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...
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Hers is a body through which the milk of life flows freely upon her beloved child. It’s only natural that he partakes in her body as well
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> Pope Anonymous, I’m pretty sure that’s against everything the solar bible teaches us!
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...
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>"Oh, my naive child, Sister Shimmer..."
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>"Her good book does indeed spring eternal with wisdom..but have you noticed all the contradictions in there?"
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>"..'Thou shalt not gorge on cake as thy god does'.. 'Thou shalt not steal unless it cake to offer thy god'..I could go on, really."
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>"So, in the big picture, me cutting mass short by an hour isn't that big a deal, is it?"
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>"I mean do we reaaally need it every sunday?..and like, on all christmases and east-"
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>[POPE NONYMOUS I TO THE OFFICE OF HER IN THE HIGHEST THIS INSTANT]
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>"Ah for fucks sake.."
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>when it's son-day
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>the day literally made for your praise and worship
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>and the holy mother still comes at you with the sonny-dew list
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>"*Ahem*..I, His Holy Mother, shall be delivering the mornings mass."
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>"As you are all aware, I'm very sure..my son Pope Nonymous I has recently canonized himself and declared this day of the week forever be referred to as Son-Day."
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>"Upon this mass's closure, you will all make a short pilgrimage to the Parrish grounds where my son is lounging in his pool.."
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>"*sigh* Tithes are not required, but in his own words 'Sacramental wine isn't cheap and neither is saving your soul'."
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...
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>My son
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>..Anonymous
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>"I'm sorry, Mother, you know I have a new title now."
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>Oh for the love of all cake..
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>My Handsome Patron Saint Of Basedness
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>"Yes? What do you wish of me?"
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>"Oh c'mon, you know what I mean, geez.."
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>"The 'check em' pose? Hello?"
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>"Look, just make him pointing to his left, ok?"
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>[POPE NONYMOUS I TO THE OFFICE OF HER IN THE HIGHEST IMMEDIATELY]
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>"Jesus..a son's work is never done..bet it's 'Sweep the pews' or 'Stop drinking communion wine'.."
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>His Holiness knocks on his Mother's chambers
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>"You wished to see me, Mother?"
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>'-Just what in the name of all that's holy are the sculptors working on in the plaza, my son?'
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>"Oh uhh, nothing special, just a statue..of me."
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>'As I thought..I knew there was something fishy about these 'Patron Saint Of Basedness' stationeries that just arrived..'
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>"Ah hell yeah they finally came!"
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...
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Your holiness. I don’t understand how giving you massages supposed to grab me enlighten
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...
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> Sir, I understand that you are an extension of her in the highest. Now I understand I am to follow your word as if they came from her very mouth. But… The things you make me do. The back rubs, the foot massages, the sponge baths you make me give you. Then there was the night that you and I…l-like I said. It does it seem right why was she in the highest think any of the things we’ve done is OK. Especially out of wedlock her teaching expressly forbade these things as we are not married. So why sir? Why do you wake me do those things?
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...
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>..Your Holiness, are you listening?
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>"Sista Shimma...execute orda sixty-six."
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>Your Excellency please be serious
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>"Haha..sorry, it's just this whole getup makes me feel like..you know, some kind of important figure.."
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>-How much communion wine have you had already?
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by Delight
by Delight