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- >Sleep?
- >Who needs sleep?
- >You don’t, you’ve been restless all night.
- >Still being tormented by those fucking thoughts.
- >Each time it shrinks the flame of hope you have little by little.
- >You even tried sleeping pills, didn’t make you fall asleep, just more tired.
- >Getting up from your bed again, you try to distract yourself.
- “All I have to do is kill time, I’ll go over to my parents shortly, they will help.”
- >’You honestly think that?”
- >Squeezing your eyes shut, you let out a long groan.
- “I fucking hate this.”
- >’Hate it all you want, but you cannot deny the truth Connie.’
- “Shut up, shut up, shut up, shut up.”
- >Heading into the living room, you see the clock says it’s still early.
- >’Waiting for the right time? How sad, you really think there is a perfect time to visit them?’
- >You try to ignore it and look over some papers on your desk.
- >Various notes are still scattered on papers, mostly from when you were energized.
- >The party you never had for getting first chair, visiting your parents, composing some music.
- “Wish I had the sense to follow through some of these when I had the chance.”
- >’Wouldn’t have mattered. You were being arrogant for getting first chair, you rarely visit family, and you really think you could be original enough to write your own music?’
- >You grit your teeth, these thoughts are becoming unbearable.
- “I could’ve tried, that’s what matters.”
- >’Tried? What kind of excuse is that? No pony who mattered tried, they did it, unlike you.’
- >You stand abruptly, shoving your chair aside and scream.
- “THAT’S NOT TRUE!”
- >As you shake from adrenaline, you shake your head furiously and stomp your hoof.
- “This is insanity, I have to stop acknowledging these damn thoughts. Figured I’d learn by now, but no, I keep taking the bait.”
- >Breathing in and releasing it slowly, you start to get yourself under control once more.
- >Relief isn’t given to you though, instead that numbness returns.
- >You hear a knocking at the front door.
- >Letting out a long sigh, you know who it is, one of your neighbors.
- >Upon answering it, you see you’re right.
- >”Hello Connie, I don’t know what’s going on, but could you keep it down?”
- >You feel your eye twitch.
- >Don’t unload on him, don’t unload on him.
- “Yeah, sorry, it won’t happen again.”
- >He gives you a smile and nods.
- >You close the door and sit down.
- “I can’t keep doing this. Almost all day yesterday and last night.”
- >As you get up to get your things, a stray thought enters your mind causing you to pause.
- “Eri says cutting herself helps with the thoughts and pain.”
- >Your eyes widen and you feel dread.
- “What am I saying? I would never do that.”
- >But the thought remains, you could hurt yourself to silence the thoughts.
- “No, I have to stop this. I’ll go now, I can’t wait any longer.”
- >You gather your things as quick as you can, your heart races.
- >Fear and anxiety haven’t let up, only worsened, slowing you down.
- “Just get what I need, just the essentials, then head to mother and father’s home.”
- >You drop a few items, and even stumble a little.
- >Thoughts are racing, it’s getting harder to focus.
- >Thankfully, you have what you need in your bags and you put them on.
- “I have to try to calm down, I don’t want to pass out.”
- >You take a moment to pause and breath slowly.
- >Your heart starts to slow down, and things become a little clearer once more.
- >It doesn’t stop the dread within.
- “Good enough, time to go.”
- >Locking up as you go out, you head outside and hail a taxi.
- >The fact they live on the other side of the city doesn’t help you any.
- “Just get to mother and father, that’s all I have to do.”
- >Your patience starts to wear thin, as there is no taxi stopping.
- “Could this get any worse? No, don’t think that.”
- >A few ponies stare as you talk to yourself.
- >Straightening up, you gather yourself.
- >I have to stop talking to myself like that.
- >Eventually you manage to flag a taxi, and you get aboard.
- >Along the way, your mind starts to race again.
- >Everything will be fine, mother and father will be home.
- >’And what if they aren’t?’
- >They will be.
- >’There is a chance they won’t be home Connie, remember they have their own lives.’
- >Shut up!
- >Just shut the hell up!
- >I’m tired of hearing these thoughts.
- >You’re unable to stop yourself from tearing up.
- >No, no, no, no!
- >Keep it together dammit, I can do this.
- >Looking around, you take in the sights in an attempt to calm yourself.
- >Honestly, Manehattan can be beautiful at times.
- >The various buildings, while sometimes looking similar, remind you of a jigsaw puzzle.
- >Scenery passes, and it starts to soothe you.
- >Exhaustion finally settling in, your eyes feel heavy
- “Suppose I could rest for now, wouldn’t hurt.”
- >Closing your eyes, sleep takes its hold at last.
- >Dreams are a mishmash of various memories.
- >The concert, meeting Eri, your first home.
- >However, it is not to last, and you are woken up the taxi driver.
- >”Hey, get up. We’re here.”
- >You nod, letting out a yawn and hoofing over some bits.
- “Keep the change.”
- >He takes off, leaving you in arguably, one of the highest residential areas in Manehattan.
- >A weight slowly lifts from you, and you feel some peace.
- >The large house in front of you hasn’t changed since you last saw it.
- >You trot up to the front door, each step you feel the flame of hope grow within.
- “Everything will be fine.”
- >Grabbing the door knocker, you knock three times and wait.
- >Front lawn is short just like father likes it, still has that oak that you used to sit under and read.
- >Minutes pass and you knock again.
- “Probably didn’t hear me, not a problem.”
- >More time passes, and still nothing.
- >’No pony is home Connie.’
- >Ignoring the thought and the rising fear, you knock again.
- >This time louder.
- >Still nothing.
- >’No pony to help you.’
- “That’s not true, they have to be home, they can’t be gone now when I need them.”
- >Your heart starts to race, and you feel a cold sweat trickle down your barrel.
- >’You’re alone.’
- >Letting the fear get the best of you, you rear up and buck the door.
- “Please answer the door, I need you!”
- >A pair of hoof marks are on the door, but you don’t care.
- >You start to beat on the door in terror.
- “Please answer me, don’t ignore me!”
- >After beating on the door and pleading for a while, your hooves and throat hurt.
- >Tears flow freely down your face.
- >You lay against the door and sob.
- >Whatever flame of hope you once had, is now but an ember.
- “Please...”
- >Evening has started to roll in, and you finally ran out of tears.
- >Getting up, you start the long trot home.
- >You feel completely hollow, like somepony cut your insides out.
- >It’s the worst feeling you have ever felt.
- >Eventually, you approach a store.
- >Rather than giving into those thoughts of cutting yourself, you’ll opt for drinking instead.
- >Heard that drinking can numb the pain, might help.
- >At this point you’ll try anything.
- >You’re not sure what to buy, so you pick up some whiskey.
- >’That won’t help you.’
- “I don’t care.”
- >As it gets darker, you keep your head low.
- >’So pathetic, you really have given up now.’
- >You ignore it and keep trotting along.
- >Finally, you arrive on your block.
- >Hooves are heavy and your heart more so.
- >You pause in front of the mail boxes.
- >It wouldn’t hurt to check, right?
- >One last check to see if anypony wrote you.
- >A few letters, but one catches your eye.
- >It’s from Eri.
- >You don’t hesitate and open the letter right there.
- >Dear Connie, I’m sorry I didn’t write you sooner. I got both of your letters and that’s awesome to hear you earned that chair. Things have been rough here, and I have been having trouble as of recent with my problems. There are times where it feels like my loneliness will consume me. Then I read one of your letters and remember that you’re my friend. I’m still holding onto hope like you said. Maybe one day, I could come visit you like you visit me. I’m still writing poetry, I still think it’s shit, even if you don’t think so. I’ve been trying to go out more, it’s really fucking hard. The other day I went to Sugarcube Corner all on my own. Can’t believe I wrote that, it sounds like I’m a filly again. I won’t let this letter drag on anymore than it already has. Write me back soon and take care. -Eri
- >You’re frozen.
- “She didn’t ignore me.”
- >’That was just a fluke.’
- “Fuck off, you’re just trying to hurt me.”
- >’Didn’t stop you from buying that bottle Connie.’
- “Shut up!”
- >A voice comes from behind you.
- >”Excuse me?”
- >Shooting around, you see Feather standing there.
- “What are you doing here?”
- >She looks confused and concerned.
- >”I was just passing by, and I heard you yell.”
- >Of course she did, you’ve been talking to yourself.
- >Wait, this is not the time for internal dialogue.
- >You shake your head, this is your one chance.
- “You’re right I did.”
- >Taking a deep breath, you prepare yourself.
- >’Don’t do this Connie! You can’t trust her! She’ll lie to you and stab you in the back!’
- “Feather, I know we haven’t been friends for long, but I need somepony I can trust right now.”
- >She raises an eyebrow.
- >”Okay, is something the matter?”
- >You tell her everything, the weird spike in energy and the dark thoughts.
- >She stands there, listening the whole time.
- >As you finish, you hold onto that little ember as tight as you can.
- >Dearly hoping for her to be the one to save you.
- >”That’s a lot to take in, and you’re putting an awful lot of trust in me. However, I would never turn down helping another pony in their time of need.”
- >The ember finally roars into a large flame.
- >With that, you cry tears of joy.
- “Thank you!”
- >You pull her into a hug tightly and cry into her.
- >She awkwardly holds you, but tries to reassure you.
- >”Everything will be okay, we will get you through this.”
- >The two of you stand there for a while, and eventually, you stop crying.
- >”Let’s get you inside, and we can figure things out from there.”
- “Yes...yes you’re right.”
- >You both make your way up to your apartment and settle in for the night.
- >The days that follow are difficult, but she is there with you, helping you out.
- >The medical tests came back negative, but Doctor Heart recommended you to a therapist.
- >Since then, you’ve learned that you suffer from bipolar disorder.
- >Unfortunately it’s not fully understood at this time.
- >With therapy and some medicine, you’ve learned how to handle it better.
- >Soon you will be playing with the rest of the Manehattan Symphony Orchestra again.
- >Speaking of which, you’re practicing now.
- >You feel joy and play in harmony like you used to.
- >Turns out your parents were gone for the night, had you waited around, you would’ve seen them.
- >It’s fortunate that you read Eri’s letter when you did.
- >A part of you worries what would’ve happened, had you not.
- >That’s in the past now, you look forward to the future.
- >A more stable future with friends.
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