Carlposter's Wisdom

 

 

Carls Thanksgiving Thanks (his first post?)

 

What am I thankful for dis Thanksgiving? Well dat show about da talkin' horses ain't on the air no more, so I guess dat's somethin' good. I mean, that white one was kinda hot, but it ain't like I'd do her or anything. Not without a few beers at least. And maybe somethin' a little stronger, like some crack or meth. I mean, dat way, if the cops arrest you, you got someone to plant all that shit on.

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Carl for ATHF wise words on Pony Life

 

Ho ho ho eh it's yore buddy Carl here, here to tell you whut the latest is on...Pony Life? Whut da hell is dat? Dat some kinda Big Brother thing or sumthin? 'Cuz I ain' gonna watch a buncha hoarses on camera unless dey doin' da horizontal hayride, an' even den dey gotta be dressed up like fifteenth-century peasants.

 

Listen. I ain' seen Pony Life and I ain' gonna see it. Why? 'Cuz I know dat da only reason it got made was so Hasbro can sell a buncha toys to gullible little girls or guys in their thirties dat know how ta' use a drill, if you get my drift.

 

Hasbro is evil. You know it. I know it. Even dey know it, but dey don't care 'cuz people like you keep on buyin' der crap an' watchin' de stupid shows dat dey put on da air. Why'd Twilight get her wings? 'Cuz dey wanted to make der sales quota an' keep people watchin' der show. It's like when Doctor Who changes Doctors 'cuz da other guy demanded more money and hoors in his trailer. Well you know what? Yore buddy Carl is too smart for dat. Exceptin' for da' hoors, I mean. I always got time for dem.

 

Look. Pony Life ain' da best tin' dat Hasbro ever did. Okay. Whatevuh. All I'm sayin' is dat it ain't gonna git any bettuh as long as people keep supportin' it, an' givin' Hasbro da satasfaction an' dolluhs dat dey want. Write a nasty e-mail threatenin' ta kill der dog or sumethin. Mebbe make a petition online talkin' 'bout how you gonna go on a hunger strike until Princess Celestia stops lookin' like sumthin' dat escaped the radiation at Chernobyl. But Pony Life ain' gonna work until yoo, da fans, make it work, an' until den?

 

Enjoy havin' Pinkie Pie look like sumthin' you'd see just before you died in da woods after gettin' lost on a campin' trip.

 

'Cuz mark my words, she's der. An' she's watchin' yoo. Good luck, my friend. Yoo gonna need it.

 

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Carls wisdom on Equestria Girls

 

So wuz Equestria Grils really dat necessary? 'Cuz I ain' dat comfortable watchin' a show dat if I tried to watch some of dem chicks in real life dat I might get my ass arrested.

 

I mean it. I dunno if mebbe da guys dat created it were a buncha weirdos or pedophiles, but seemsta me dat dis show ain' got nuthin' dat friendship is magic ain't got.

 

Plus, now you got a buncha guys in der 40s watchin' a buncha human girls who barely got grass on da field. Everyone knows dat you can play ball if dere's grass onda field, you just gotta watch how many times you hit a home run. But dis shit? I doubt any of dem are on der periods let alone know a damn thing udder dan how ta put on make up and sound like I wanna slap 'em as soon as dey open der mouths. Ain' nonna dem chicks no a damn ting about real life an' if dey WUZ real, dey'd be kidnapped, raped, dead or end up like dat Carrie chick pretty friggin' quick.

 

Look. Hasbro is evil. Dey ain' got no soul. Everybody knows dat. Da company came outta Satan's butthole, an' it ain' no secret dat dey don' care about whut dey do with any of dis shit. But you'd tink dat when you gonna play around wit' girls dat barely weara bra dat mebbe, just mebbe, sumthin' ain' right. 'Cuz yoo can't self pleasure wit' dat. Well. I mean. Yoo can. But yoo gonna probably feel dirty about it latuh. Stick to chicks dat gotta little meet on der bones an' some boobs up top. Dey're da ones dat gonna git da job done for yoo. Shore, some of dem yoo gotta pay, but at least dey ain't underage.

 

Equestrial Grils. Damn. Whut's next? Yaks Gone Wild? Gimme a friggin' break, Hasbro. Yoo bastards.

 

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Carl's thoughts on 4chan first one I remember

 

Lezz talk a'bout dis heer 4chan my little pony site. 'Cuz I think it ain't gonna be anyting dat any of yooze ain' already heard or are in denial about fo' yo' 40-year-old, basement-livin' selves.

 

See, like, when sumthin' good gits posted heer -- like my posts, for instance, and you KNOW dat der good, don't be foolin' yoreself -- yoo horse-bangin' hoors jus' let it scroll off into archives.

 

But den de posts dat suck, which let's face it are mostuva dem, stay on de page for like, forevuh and a day. Dat ain't right, and dat ain't fare to doze two or fore dudes on heer dat really give a damn about dis site. Which, I gotta tell you in all honesty, ain't me. I don't care. Yoo people scare me sumtimes. It's like dis site is high school, and da club is Future Serial Killers of America. Dis site is da reason I sleep wit' a gun under my bed. And sumtimes unduh my pillow wit' da safety off.

 

Look. I ain't gonna rag on yoo dat much, okay? 'Cuz I know dat most of yoo are lonely virgins and shut-ins or have long days askin' people if dey want fries. An' dat ain't always easy. Trust me. I know. I've had bad days. Yoo tink livin' next'a a friggin' Happy Meal is easy? Hell no.

 

But what yoo gotta realize is dat sumtimez quality iz better dan quantity. Stop lettin' deeze goddamned Rainbow Dash posts, or dem posts dat show horse butt dat are almost lewd but not lewd, or posts 'bout Anon, all dem posts dat clearly look like dey were written by twelve-year-olds dat ain't seen hair one down below yet. Dem posts, hokay, shore dey take up space, but dey suck and we all know it.

 

If yooze want dis forum ta' continue, yoo gotta take charge and make shore der's good content. It ain't 2000, it's 2020, an' people got standards now. Low, but dey got standards.

 

In da meantime, anyone seen my pic of Pinkie Pie bangin' a'ostrich? I can't find it and I dunno if dem fuckin' jannies deleted it o'not.

 

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Carl on the Mane 6 and their incompetence

 

Ahright. I am so sick and tiruhd of deeze ponies not knowin' how ta' do stuff or basically jus' screwin' tings up so dat everyone gonna die or da whole land gonna go kablooey or whatevuh. Let's talk about deez Mane 6, an' how much dey suck.

 

I mean, c'mon'. You got six of dem. Der otta be a smart one somewhere in da bunch. But Twilight, she's too neurotic and self-absorbed. Rarity, she's a bitch obsessed with lookin' good despite da fact dat ponies walk around nekkid. Fluttershy, she's got mental problems dat make her practically a shut-in, an' Rainbow Dash got some kinda self-esteem issue 'cuz she always gotta try to prove to everyone dat she ain't got some kinda self-esteem issue. Den Applejack iz just some kinda stereotype from da south dat can't seem ta' talk normal or go outside wit'out wearin' a hat, even when it ain' sunny outside.

 

WHAT DA FRIG IS WRONG WIT' DEEZ HOARSES???

 

Look. You gotta git six ponies tagether ta help save da world. Hokay. I git dat. Ain' a difficult ting ta' understand. But den dey gotta go out solvin' so-called "friendship problems" everywhere on da map, wit'out havin' any kinda idea whut dey gonna be doin'. You know der idiots. Lookit a lot a'whut happens. Most of da time, it's just sheer luck dat dey solve da problem. Den dey gotta try to sing about it later, tryin' ta' forget dat dey almost killed other creatures or looked like dumbasses while doin' it.

 

An' dis heer tree of harmony? Da hell is wit' dat. It needs all six of 'em ta grow or sumthin, and if it ain't got dem, da world dies or goes ker-splat? Whut was goin' on befo' all deez six ponies got together and decided to create der own little friendship club? Was things just happenin' and other ponies were like, "Eh, it happens every day, screw it, we don't care?"

 

My point is dat da mane six ain' got jack when it comes to solvin' problems or savin' da day. Dey're a regular Scooby Doo of hoarses, 'cept no talkin' dog. When dey start drivin' aroun' inna van, yoo git back ta' me

 

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Carlposter gives Moondancer a pep talk

 

Hey Moondancer. Stop worryin' about Marari da Maneless and start worryin' about who's gonna walk away from you dis week 'cuz yore a freakin' psycho.

 

I don' get why dis hoarse chick hada go an' become some kinda horse librarian nun. One hoarse don't cometa her party and she flips out an' becomes a shut-in. Life ain't fare, sweetheart, an' yoo learned dat early, so yoo shoulda been able to bounce back and tell dat horse to go eat some hay an' choke on it, den threw anutha party wit'out invitin' dat chick. See, dat's how you handle yore problems. Yoo give a big middle finger, or hoof, or whatevuh, and say "Ha ha, screw you, now go away before I introduce you to my friend Louieville Slugger.

 

But no, yoo went all nutso an' became a shut-in, witout no friends, readin' books all da time. Books don't talk to you, bitch. I know. I tried. It don't work. Shore, sumtimes dey got some good pictures. Especially if deyre about human anatomy. Heh heh heh LETS SEE DEM GAZONGAS, YOU DIRTY HOOR. But I bet pony anatomy books ain' as good as dose.

 

Look. I ain' gonna try to stand heer an' tell yoo dat you messed up yo' life. But you messed up yo' life. You coulda been out der gettin' laid left an' right, or at least readin' 'bout what to do if da opportunity happened, but instead yo pushed away all yo' friends, an' became some kinda freaky librarian dat no one would ask about da dewey decimal system 'cuz dey'd be afraid you'd hit dem with an encyclopedia.

 

Shore, NOW you got friends. But it took someone ELSE to bring 'em to yoo. In my book, all it shows is dat yoo still ain' got what it takes to keep 'em. Two days, two years, dey all gonna be gone again, talkin' about crazy Moondancer and how she's peein' in jars again.

 

Here's hopin' you can keep from goin' crazy again, 'cuz if you do, at least kill someone. Make it freakin' worth it. People ain' gonna call you a shut-in when you got blood on yore hooves. It's a fact, sweetie. Now git outta my way, I got porno to download.

 

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Carl talks about his 2 day ban

 

So dem jannies banned me fo' two daze 'cuz I made a post about da corona virus. Well lemme tell yoo, I hope all dem jannies on here git da corona virus. Not 'cuz den dey'd be sick but 'cuz it'd be harder for dem to run away when I introduce dem to my tire iron. F#@kin' idiots.

 

Anyhoo. I'm back, and unless dem jannies gitta bonuh fo' mah poasts agin, lez talk about dis heer virus an' whut mite happen iffen Ponyville gotta virus like diz one.

 

Personally, I don't see anyone survivin'. Deez are hoarses in close quarters an' dey're dumb as hell. Zecora might be able to create a'antidote, but I don't think so, 'cuz zebras don't know jack when it comes to quarantine or handin' out chicken soop to every pony dat's been sneezin' or coughin'. An' anyway, deez hoarses seem to do nuthin' but git demselves into trouble an' den sing about it, which is dumb in da first place. If yoo in deep shit, yoo ain't gonna sing about it, yoo gonna move yo' ass and do sumtin' about it, whether it's go away quickly or stand and kick some tail, it ain't gonna be put into some friggin' song somewhere. Yoo doo dat, yoo might as well stand der an' wait ta' die, 'cuz yore useless.

 

So. If dis heer corona virus was to like, get to equestria, I can see mebbe two-turds of da population goin' bye-bye. O' at least gettin' really sick and not goin' out. Which is a good ting. You really want some coughin' yak next to you when yoo tryin' to get onto da train? An' whut about places like Manehattan? Dumb name by the way. Dat place would look like a strip club at 4 a.m. Not that I'd know what dat looks like or anyting. An' yoo can't prove dat I do.

 

In concolusion, jannies suck, dis heer virus sucks, I don't like some pencil-pusher tellin' me I can't go to da bar at night, an' in my opinion, Zecora wouldn't do jack for dis heer virus, 'cuz she'd be too busy tryin' ta' tink of her next sentence in rhyme while ponies and yaks and changelings an' whatevuh be droppin' like flies around a bug zapper.

 

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Carl ponders the decision of jannies to remove his blessed threads and corona

 

Oh ho ho ho. Dem goddamned jannies deleted another thread o'mine. It's timetah git serious.

 

So whut is der freakin' problem? Dey sayin' I don't talk about ponies? I freakin' spoke about ponies an' Equestria an' dis virus Corona an' whut if dey got it. If dem jannies is too stupid to figure dat out, den dey got problems of der own.

 

I dunno whut else to post about dis heer virus and Equestria. Zecora wouldn't be able to do jack 'cuz she would be too busy trying ta figure out whut to say in rhyme next while ponies next to her would be barfin' up der last hayburger. An' you already know Celestia is useless in everything and anyting she does. So if a virus ever got into Equestria, Ponyville an' all other places would be doomed. Not dat dat's a bad ting. I hate doze stupid yaks. But can yoo see 'em tryin' ta close down Manehattan? Dumb name by the way. No. Ain' gonna happen 'cuz ponies are dumb as hell an' too stoopid to figure out social distancing. Dey just gonna sing about it and den cough and sneeze when dey done.

 

>should ponies be let into human businesses?

 

Lizzen heer liddle man. Ponies ain't nevuh gonna be in any bizness dat I'm gonna go into. Why? 'Cuz I don't wanna step up to my ankle in horse crap every time I go outtah buy ah beer. Ain't no pony ever gonna be able ta' order a'Taco Bell, and ain' no pony evuh gonna buy fruit loops or band-aids at da grocery store. Period. Deez hoarses, even if dey coold talk, are dumb as hell, an' dey'd get hit by a car befo' dey make it to da sto'. My car, most likely. 'Cuz my insurance ain' gonna know da difference if it wazza deer or a talkin' hoarse. An' if dat talkin' hoarse wanna try callin' fo' help after dey meet my fenduh, well, dey gonna meet my bumpuh too. An' my tires, an' my transmission, 'cuz der ain' no' law dat sez I can't do a burn out on a talkin' hoarse's face.

 

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Carl telling the truth about Trixie

 

Trixie. Oh man. Dis chick, she got isshoes an' she got mo' isshoes, but mostly she got isshoes.

 

First of all Sweetheart, you ain't no great and powerful nuthin', hokay? If you really were as great an'powerful as you claim you are, you'd be poofin' up gold or apples or golden apples or whatevuh, an'not wastin' yore time hangin' 'round dem dumbass losers in Ponyville.

 

Shore, yoo went crazy a couple of times, and one of dem nearly took over Ponyville. But who ain't gone crazy in der life? I once beat da hell out of a meter maid 'cuz he tried to boot mah car outside of Melon Shakers. Also, if yer a guy and yoo are workin' as a meter maid, yoo may as well cut your dick off right den and call yoreself something else, 'cuz yoo ain't no man wit' a title like dat. Anyhoo, my point is, goin' crazy ain' supposed ta mean dat yoo gonna be crazy all da time. Just sum of da time. But dis Trixie hoarse? Hoh boy.

 

I guess we gotta bring up dat time she tried to kill herself by feedin' herself to a friggin' manticore. First of all, DAMN. Second of all, DAMN. I mean, dat's hardcore, and anyone dat got da balls to try ta go out dat way deserves at least a little respect. But why would she even try ta kill herself if she didn't have a screw loose, meanin' she ain't as great an' powerful as she claims.

 

Look. I like blue hoarses. I mean if yoo gotta be a hoarse den why not bloo, ya know? 'Cuz purple sure sucks. But c'mon. Trixie, yoo can do bettuh, all yoo gotta do is fix up a couple of doze tricks of yores, find some gullible ponies and wham bam yoo got der cash and yoo can go live in a nice house somewhere wit' a dragon servant who gotta crush on a white hoarse dat just happens ta live three houses down. Ain' no big whup. Magic can be pretty sweet if it involves people or hoarses stupid enough ta believe it. Take it from Carl, yoo make der crap disappear enuff times, yoo got it made.

 

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Carl once again rails against the jannies injustice! Also the corona virus

 

Yoo ain't gotta tell me 'bout no virus crap, hokay? I already got da govanuh, da nooz media, da cops, da president an' everybody else dat can open der big yap and flap it talkin' 'bout how i can't go out ta' eat when i wanna go out ta' eat, how I can't go to da strip club 'cuz der's gotta be less dan ten people, how I can't git liquor 'cuz da store got shut down 'cuz someone found a dead rat inside a bottle of schnopps. I git all dat, an' I'm sick and tired of hearin' 'bout it.

 

Whut's dis gotta do with mlp an' why shouldn't one of dem faggit jannies delete my comments? Hokay mister wise guy I'll tell yoo. See, Ponyville SEEMS like it's a nice and gay place. An' don' get me wrong, it's gay as hell. Seriously. A bunch of lesbo hoarses dat hang out together like dem chicks on Da View, an' all dey do is sing about stuff an' walk aron' nekkid while hopin' like hell dat tings git bittuh. No curfew, but den agin ain' nuthin' happenin' in dis heer borin' village, so der ain't no need fo' one.

 

So. Like, if a big sickness evuh hit Ponyville, dis is mah point. Dey'd all be scrood. All of dem, even da ones dat we don't see all da time 'cuz dey ain' interesting enuff to be on tv. Zecora, mebbe she can help, mebbe not, but you gotta figure if sumthin' hit Ponyville, dey'd have ta quarantine da whole place. No dragons, no yaks, no nuthin', jus' a buncha dumbass hoarses singin' about how one of 'em just got diarrhea from eatin' bad hay.

 

Jus' lookat when Zecora was introdooced. All de so-called mane six, each of 'em got sumtin' wrong, but none of 'em knew whadda do. Did dey quarantine? No. Dey got together, possibly spreadin' sumthin' bad between 'em and mebbe to da rest of da village. Dat's stoopd, an' if dey doin' dat, well, mebbe dey deserve ta' die from whatevuh it is dey got.

 

Dis virus wit' humans, it's bad. But if Ponyville evuh got it? Dead. All of 'em. Den who's gonna randomly break into song. Spike? Hell no. He's gonna be a dirt nap jus' like da rest of 'em.

 

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Carl explains his views on Diamond Tiara

 

Der ain't nuthin' like when sum chick acts all high an' mighty like she's da gratest ting since da six pack. Den when people try ta tell her ta calm down or git her off her pedestal she acts like a complete bitch. Lezz talk Diamond Tiara.

 

Dis hoarse is a spoiled brat. If I wuz in charge of her, I'd slap her around until her cutie mark turned into da shape of my palm. Money ain' everytin', honey, and yooz can't buy sumthin' dat da rest of us got, an' dat's respect.

 

Ain' nobody gonna care dat yoo got a zillion dolluhz when you gonna act like a bitch. Dat's life. Unless yoo gonna be some high-class hoor and go out wit' da colts dat also got a lotta dough, yoo gonna go trhoo life lonely an' on da cover of Spoiled Bitch Hoarse Monthly.

 

Okay shore mebbe her parents gotta lot ta' do wit' dis, especially her hoor of a mutha. 'Cuz I seen dat chick an' she iz da kinda hoor dat wouldn't bothah ta kick yoo in da stones, she'd jus' pay someone else ta' do it for her. Dis chick ain' nevuh seen a day in her life where she gotta do actual work, an' it shows. So mebbe Diamond Tiara's parents are just crap, and dat's why she acts da way dat she does.

 

O' maybe she's just a bitch who got smacked around by da Cutie Mark Crusaduhs until sumthin got knocked aroun' in her head, tellin' her ta calm down, be nice, an' use her money for better tings like a nice cameo in future episodes or sumtin'.

 

Point is, Diamond Tiara's story ain' worth jack 'cuz dey never really went back ta' her dat much, an' in da end her mom is still a spoiled hoor. Jus' 'cuz yore kid got a epiffany fo' like, five minutes, ain't gonna mean dat she ain't gonna turn back into da brat she was befo'. Count on it, 'cuz dat's whut havin' money does ta you. Unless yore tryin' ta pay a strippuh in pennies, in which case sometimes der's a problem.

 

>Who cares Carl? She’s still a hot filly

 

Hey. Hot filly or not, she's gonna be da one ta' make yoo pay fo' dinnuh even tho she got enuff money ta' pay for it plus leave a decent tip. She's gonna be da one ta' yell at yoo when you don't buy her da crap she wants even tho she can do it herself and still have a gazillion dolluhs.

 

plus she's a filly. Dat may not be legal. I mean, I got no problem havin' sex witta filly. As long as dey don't report it. 'Cuz it ain't rape if no one knows about it but yoo.

 

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Carl gives his grim but true view on Social Distancing in Equestria

 

>So how would the friendly and affectionate creatures of Equestria deal with social distancing?

 

 

Dey wouldn't. Every time deez hoarshes git togethur dey sing about gittin' togethur an' prance an' dance an' hang so close to each uther dat dey may as well be a pony centipede.

 

Deez hoarases are too stupid an' too codependent tah evuh wanna do social distancing. Dey'd just try tah talk about der feelings den dey'd all git sick an' die. Which I got no problem wit' since der all a buncha idiots.

Dat wuz me, by da way. Dis friggin' board iz shit when it comes ta' postin' on heer.

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Carl on the decline of the shows writing

 

Aw man. Dis shit ain't good. I done heard dat someone went outshide. You friggin' kiddin' me? Stay indoors you buncha jackasses. I only go outside now to get liquor, pornography or check da locks on Melon Shakers to see if dey forgot ta' lock da place up an' mebbe der's still some strippers inside.

 

So. Dis whole crap meens dat der is not much ta' do but sit aroun' on yo' ass an' watch TV. Dat meens watchin' My Little Pony, an' I gotta tell you, I forgot how it didn't used ta' suck.

 

What da hell happened wit' dis show. It's like it went from being written by smart people who knew what dey wuz doin' ta' bein' written by some clown dat got a head injury, got prescribed some good weed an' den started writin' scripts about whut he saw while stoned.

 

Seriously, it's no wonder dis heer show ain' got no' mo' episodes, 'cuz da way dis show wuz goin', dey would've been bringin' in another baby, a dog, a talkin' monkey named Fred an' mebbe Eric Stoltz 'cuz he's in friggin' everything deez daze. Holy cow, can u imagine? Heh heh, FRIENDSHIP IS MAGIC, SO HOW COME I CAN'T POOF UP A BEER?

 

Anywaze. All I'm sayin' iz dat I'm glad dis show ended when it did. An' dis heer Pony Life bullshit? No. Just no. I done seen doze teaser trailers fo' it on YouTube. I had to get a new monitor 'cuz I smashed my computer with a hammer, hopin' like hell dat da memory didn't include dat unbelievable crap. If dat's da future of MLP, den we're all scrooed. God help us, I'd rather git da virus an' die knowin' I wasn't livin' in a world with dem.

 

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Carl breaks the silence on Queen Chrysalis

 

Lezz be clir heer. I don't like bugs, and I swat 'em whenever I see 'em, which is often, 'cuz I don't shower dat much. Da type of bug don't mattuh, an' neethuh duz da size. Dis heer Queen Chrysalis chick, all I'm gonna do iz find a bigger swattuh. A baseball bat works just as well inna pinch.

 

So dis Queen Chrysalis. First of all, you gonna call yerself a queen, yoo bettuh act like one. Sweetheart yoo ain' no queen 'cuz I ain' never seen no queen dat can't kick some ass an' turn some other country into dirt o' have its ruler beheaded. How many times yoo gone after ponies and failed? Once is too many dearie, an' dat's all 'cuz yoo ain' no real queen. By da way if yore a queen who's yore king? 'Cuz I can't see no bug hittin' dat with whot yoo got. No offense. I just can't stand ugly.

 

Yoo do got one ting goin' fo' yoo, tho. Bein' able to change into anyting yoo want is just BOSS. Like whut if a cop comes up to yoo 'cuz yoo were doin' 90 in a 35, yoo just poof yoreself as da President or sumthin', an' der yoo go. Yoo gonna give da President of da United States a ticket? Well mebbe our current one fo' actin' like a bit of a jackass. But probably not any other, and I doubt a ticket fo' actin' like a jackass is gonna stand up in any court.

 

Seriously. If I had a chick dat could turn into anyting, I'd have her turn into da biggest hoor around, an' stay dat way while I got my rocks off. 'Cuz what's da point if yoo ain' gonna share yor changes wit' anyone else. See, DAT'S a real queen. Makin' shore yore subjects are, you know, "satisfied". An' I gotta lot to satisfy heh heh YEA BABY. BELIEVE IT.

 

But just 'cuz yoo can change into some nekkid hoor wit' five boobs don't mean dat yoo get a free pass. 'Cuz da instant yoo try ta' land on me or buzz aroun' my head, bam, yoo gettin' smacked. An' not da good kinda smacked, either. Jus' don't annoy me, stay at eye level, and keep yore mouth shut, an' we're both gonna be happy as hell.

 

>haha these threads were always stupid

 

Hey der little man, I see you got yoreself da Internets der! Heh heh, good job, now let's see you try to not post something extremely gay and stupid.

 

Yoo don' like dem, ain' no one forcin' you ta' read dem. Dat be like yoo going to da liquor store an' buyin' a Budweiser when you clearly can see Coors on da shelf right in front of you.

 

But it's okay. Just 'cuz yoo a moron don't mean you can't lead a productive life. Society always needs more morons to piss me off when I order a large an' you give me a medium. Dumbass!

 

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Carl and his feelings on Nightmare Moon

 

If da only ting we hafta feer is feer itself, den I ain' scared of no Nightmare Moon.

 

Look bitch. Yoo tink yoo can jus' walk up too someone and go 'boo' and den dat's gonna scare 'em. I seen crap in life dat would make yoo wanna piss yoreself den run away while doin' it. I ain' afraid of no hoarse dat only come out at night. What are you--some kinda pony Freddy Kreuger? 'Cuz I don't see no knives on yore hooves, an' even tho' yoo can enter dreams, I don' see no dead teenage ponies anywhere. An' der are a few of dem dat I'd like ta' see turn up slashed and bagged in da mornin' when dat other lame hoarse, da sun one, brings up da sun.

 

Nightmare Moon ain' nuthin' but a attempt to scare ponies an' make dem tink dat life is scary an' der an' nuthin' dey can do ta' fight it. Guess what. I been fightin' tings in da dark for years. Evuh try ta' sleep wit' crabs? Dey itch like a mofo an' dey shore don't come out jus' at night.

 

So look. If yoo gotta be Nightmare Moon an' trytuh take ovuh da Equestria, hokay, whatevuh. Ponies are morons and we all know it. Someone could give 'em da middle finguh and dey'd bow down to yoo. But yoo ain' flashy, yoo ain' scary, and yoo ain' doin' jack to me in my dreams or when I'm awake. 'Cuz my dreams involve a buncha nekkid wimmon an' some booze, just like when I'm awake. 'Ceptin when I'm awake dey never seem ta be around.

 

Nightmare Moon? Screw it. I gotta "nightmare moon" for you. Heh heh heh YEA! LOOK CLOSELY, IT'S NIGHT TIME BEHIND ME!! Dumb bitch.

 

>Maybe carl??? Who knows but I'll include it here.

 

"ey moonbutt. i got a full moon too hehehe...You uh, you wanna see it?"

>"Oh? You can show me your moon? I didnt know you were magically gifted, Carl "

"Oh yeah, of course im magical. In bed. Hehehehe yeah! AT NIGHT!"

>luna covers her meek smile with a hoof

>"Come now Carl, enough talk. Show me your planets moon"

"Ey yea sure thing Luna. Whateva you say"

>you turn around and pull down your sweats. you are showing your fat white ass to the moon horse

"take a good look there luna, you can see some craters and the lunar trench"

 

 

Lissen heer yoo candy-assed pansy pony pushers. Carl threads are damn gold, an' everyone knows it, so just 'cuz yoo can't tink o'anyting to say dat don't meen dat dey are worthless o'dat dey got nowhere else ta go.

 

Carl threads are part o'whut makes life worth livin', an' if yoo ain' got dat in yo' head yet, it bettuh git der, 'cuz if yoo don't, yoo ain' no real human being. Carl is all tings and da best example o'why diz heer board iz goin' down da crappuh. 'Cuz none of yoo pony f[HONK]ers got any original idea in yo' 38-year-old virgin heads. Stop jackin' off, put down da pony pornography, wash yo' hands, an' sit down and write sumthin' dat don't make da average person wanna kill you on sight. If yoo can't, den jus' sit back, relax, an' let da virus take yoo, so dat doze who survive can get on wit' makin' dis board awesome wit' more of deez heer Carl threads.

 

Who else yoo think gonna do it? Faust? Heh heh, she don't give a damn about diz place, an' fo' good reason. Mostly 'cuz people kept leavin' human body parts in her mailbox. IT WAS A SINGLE FINGER AND IT WASN'T EVEN MINE. COME ON!!! Point iz, yore on yore own, git some original thinkin o' shut da hell up.

 

>God carlfags are pathetic.

 

Oh ho hooo hoooo lookit heer, we got one of dem faggotz I keep readin' about. Say der mommy's boy, ain' yoo got somethin' else ta' do dan post heer, like, oh, I dunno, anything else dat don't make yoo look like you need a diper change anna nap?

 

Seriously. Yoo ain' gonna come in here, yoo ain' gotta reed deez thread, ain' nobody gonna put a gun to yore head, and, if dey do, let's hope dat it's loaded an' da safety's off. Friggin' moron here. Geez.

 

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Carl orders a Big Mac and shares his opinion on Big Mac

 

HEY! It's Carl here. Whomever took my 1979 Denver Broncos jersey, I'd better git it back, on my front door, by da end of da day, or dere's gonna be hell ta' pay. Got it? GOOD.

 

Now. Lez talk Big Mac. Whad da hell is wrong wit' dis hoarse? He stupid or sumthin'? All he says is yep and nope. Well I say NOPE to dat, genius. Yoo gotta retard hoarse like in dat Mice and Men book, hokay, but keep his ass on da farm. Don't want his stupidity ta' infect da resta Ponyville, 'cuz dey're dumb enuff already.

 

An' whut's wit' dis name, "Big Mac?" Da only Big Mac I want is da one from McDonalds, an' it bettuh have extra pickles on it, 'cuz god help you if it don't. Whut's next? He gonna have a long-lost sistuh named Whopper?

 

Plus, he's a earth pony dat ain' do nuthin but run around da farm. An' why da hell don't he take that ugly crap off from aroun' his neck? Is he playin' some kinda bondage game when he ain't kickin' trees or saying 'yup' and 'nope'? Ain' his crossdessin' enuff fo' Hasbro, or have dey got some weird action figger in mind dat dey just ain' hadda balls ta' release to kids yet?

 

Lookie heer, genius. Yoo gotta doo whut yoo gotta doo. Okay. I git dat. But whut da hell iz yoo gonna do when someone asks yoo a question dat yoo can't answer wit' a yes or a no? Huh? Oh wait, you can't answer dat 'cuz you're retarded and can only answer wit' yes or no. Heer's a question fo' you, genius : Does da show suck now? i'll give you a hint : Da answer AIN'T "nope".

 

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Carl on Clop

 

Hey. It's your boy Carl here. Don't tink fo' one second just 'cuz dere's a virus goin' 'round dat I ain' doin' whut I wanna do. An' dat includes watchin' dis show about talkin' hoarses dat somehow seem ta' know all da words when everybody breaks out into song. 'Cuz dis heer show, it's nuts, an' ain' no virus gonna stop it from bein' nuts, so you might as well watch it, you know?

 

So. Anyhoo. I wuz browsin' da Internut last night at 2 a.m., as I usually do AN' IT'S MY RIGHT AS AN AMERICAN, an' I came across sumthin' pretty disturbin'. Did yoo know dat der wuz dis stuff called clop fiction? Of course you did, 'cuz yore a 34-year-old virgin, and ain' no social distancing gonna be different from befo' all dis virus crap happened.

 

Holy crap, I gotta tell yoo. Dis clop stuff...it ain' half bad. Shore, it's sick. I know dat. Yoo know dat. Hasbro knows dat. But ain' nobody carin' cuz some of dis stuff would make Fluttershy cry and try ta kill herself wit' a manticore or whatevuh. An' some of it might even be illegal, who knows. All I know is, if I wanna have my pants down and lookin' at rainbow dash do unnatural things ta spike, I gotta rite ta do dat in da privacy of my own home. Capice?

 

'Cuz let's face it. Dis heer social distancing and stay-at-home shit ain't fun, an' everybody wants ta go back outside. Yoo tink I wanna be away from Melon Shakers? Hell no. But dis cloppin' stuff, as long as I ain' gotta stuff a dollar bill down some pony's g-string, I'm hokay wit' it. Fo' now. I mean, I'm so desensitized it's gotta be completely bananas to git me off, but what yoo freaks have been drawin' an' puttin' up on da Internut, well, it comes pretty damn close. Mebbe when dis is all over I'll start my own site. Fill it wit' images of Rarity gettin' pounded by stallions o' sumthin.' 'Cuz dat chick. You KNOW she's a hoor.

 

Oh man. C'mere baby. Shake dat tail. Dat's it. Bend over. Ooooohhh yea.

 

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Carl on ... honestly I don't know, just a random collection of things really.

 

People keep sayin' dat dis show is fo' little girls, but den why yoo gonna put hoarses dat can talk wit' such sexy asses an' dat walk around nude all da time?

 

C'mon. We all know dat Hasbro knows dat dis show is watched by more dan little girls. Wit' technology today, deez girls gotta cell phone, a tablet and don't give a damn about ponies unless doze ponies got a wi-fi signal comin' outta der butts.

 

An' anudder ting. Who da crap keeps complain' about da fact dat dis show ended so poorly? Yoo expect geniuses to write diz show? Mebbe get dat guy in da wheelchair who sounds like Microsoft ta write a script? No. Da people dat wrote for diz show only did it 'cuz dey needed da money or dey were drunk or did it on a dare. Ain' nobody gonna willingly write some of the stupid tings dat gone on in dis show.

 

So, anyway, while we're all cooped up inside drinkin' our own urine 'cuz we're afraid of goin' out to da store to buy milk and juice, dere's gotta be sumtin' ta do. An' guess whut. Dat sumthin is ta watch da reruns on tv. An' if someone wants ta do it wit his pants off an da blinds closed, well, dat's his god given rite as an American, an' you can't tell me nuthin' otherwise.

 

Not wit' out a warrant, at least.

 

>Based Carl back at it again but senpai aren't you worried about the Jannies?

 

Hey. Ain' no jannies gonna keep Carl down. Besides, doze homos only seem ta delete posts dat call Rarity a hoor or talk about how people dat post about Starlight Glimmer are shits. Udder dan dat, f[HONK] 'em. Carl is always gonna be heer as long as Carl WANTS ta be heer. An' ain' no janny gonna keep Carl away, 'cuz Carl's yore boy, Carl's da man, an' Carl can drink any of dem pansy assed jannies under da table any day of da week. Provided I feel like it. 'Cuz sometimes I don't. I mean, I do it. I make time fo' it. But I don't do it all da time. Jannies are da Mets of diz heer board, an' everybody knows it. No scrotes, no energy, an' never gonna win no matter who roots fo' dem.

 

>Hell yeah keep on rockin Carl any thoughts on the Corna virus?

 

Nah. I don't drink Corona. Mebbe a Budweiser. Sometimes I'm a Coors hoor. Heh heh. ALL DA WAY, BABY! But seriously diz virus is annoyin' an' Melon Shakers is still closed. OPEN UP YOU FRICKIN' MORONS. YOO CAN'T GET A LAP DANCE STANDIN' WHEN YOU'RE SITTIN' SIX FEET AWAY!! C'MON!!!!

 

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Carl on Pony Life Pre-Release of the show

 

Hey. It's yore boy Carl here. I gotta make dis quick 'cuz dem jannies seem ta' like me about as much as Scootaloo likes havin' to make a reservation in coach on Spirit Airlines 'cuz dat's da only way she can fly. So lezz talk Pony Life, 'cuz dat stuff is comin' up fast, an' it's gonna be a shitstorm.

 

I ain' gonna tell yoo dat dis show iz gonna be good. 'Cuz it ain't. It looks like some high school art class hadda assignment to draw sumthin' in flash dat was TV-Y7 but da only ting dat dey had access to was Microsoft Paint, Adobe Flash an' mebbe Toon Boom. Not like dat program or any of dem programs iz gonna save sumthin' as bad as dis.

 

Lez face it. Hasbro iz only doin' diz ta' make money. Dey don't care no mo'. Neither do I. I stopped caring back in Season 3, or 4, or whenever dat crazy-ass neurotic purpole hoarse got her wings an' decided dat she wanted ta move from bein' somethin' mildly interesting into something completely annoying. I mean, if yoo got wings, yoo gotta do sumthin' WIT' dem wings, fly over yore enemies an' take a dump, o' go to da beach wit'out havin' ta' drive a car, or whatevuh. Yoo gotta make it count and diz self-doubting purple hoor ain' got da feathers ta' do anyting but lay around an' whine about her life an' how much everything sucks 'cuz Princess Celestia iz gonna tell her to hit da rode or sumethin. Hell, even Spike got more interestin', but dat may have only been 'cuz he was hangin' aroun' wit dis hoarse dat got the mental perspective of a college freshman who just got told dat de showers in da dorm are public an' without curtains.

 

No mattuh. We all know dat Hasbro jus' wanna sell toys, I mean, screw it, it's Christmas soon, and anyone dat ain't dead from da virus iz gonna wanna go shopping in December 'cuz dey been in quarantine since March. Personally, I wouldn't buy any crap related to dis show unless it was covered in diamonds an' da pawn shops were open.

 

Jus' remember: No mattuh whut happens, Spongebob is on somewhere else.

 

>You got to get a pastebin man Jannies hate you (me)

(I got tired of waiting so I searched every Carl Post I could find and cataloged them)

 

Yea, they do. Because they're a bunch of f[HONK]ing horse f[HONK]ers. They don't wanna heer da truth. Carl knows da truth. Jannies jus' wanna git der quota an' leeve up whut dey want. An' der ain' no way to complain about it, neither. Izz ridiculous.

 

Everyting I post is on-topic and relevant to da show. Deez jannies jus' can't read, or der a bunch of pussies. I dunno which one of da two it iz, mebbe it's a combination of both, but nuthin' ain' gonna silence Carl when he wants ta talk. Believe it. TO-NIGHT!!

 

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Carl and Pony Life redux Also pretty sure the jannies were on vacation cause I remember this thread didn't get deleted

 

Ho ho ho eh it's yore buddy Carl here, here to tell you whut the latest is on...Pony Life? Whut da hell is dat? Dat some kinda Big Brother thing or sumthin? 'Cuz I ain' gonna watch a buncha hoarses on camera unless dey doin' da horizontal hayride, an' even den dey gotta be dressed up like fifteenth-century peasants.

 

Listen. I ain' seen Pony Life and I ain' gonna see it. Why? 'Cuz I know dat da only reason it got made was so Hasbro can sell a buncha toys to gullible little girls or guys in their thirties dat know how ta' use a drill, if you get my drift.

 

Hasbro is evil. You know it. I know it. Even dey know it, but dey don't care 'cuz people like you keep on buyin' der crap an' watchin' de stupid shows dat dey put on da air. Why'd Twilight get her wings? 'Cuz dey wanted to make der sales quota an' keep people watchin' der show. It's like when Doctor Who changes Doctors 'cuz da other guy demanded more money and hoors in his trailer. Well you know what? Yore buddy Carl is too smart for dat. Exceptin' for da' hoors, I mean. I always got time for dem.

 

Look. Pony Life ain' da best tin' dat Hasbro ever did. Okay. Whatevuh. All I'm sayin' is dat it ain't gonna git any bettuh as long as people keep supportin' it, an' givin' Hasbro da satasfaction an' dolluhs dat dey want. Write a nasty e-mail threatenin' ta kill der dog or sumethin. Mebbe make a petition online talkin' 'bout how you gonna go on a hunger strike until Princess Celestia stops lookin' like sumthin' dat escaped the radiation at Chernobyl. But Pony Life ain' gonna work until yoo, da fans, make it work, an' until den?

 

Enjoy havin' Pinkie Pie look like sumthin' you'd see just before you died in da woods after gettin' lost on a campin' trip.

 

'Cuz mark my words, she's der. An' she's watchin' yoo. Good luck, my friend. Yoo gonna need it.

 

>Did you know 7 years ago there was another Carlposter?

 

Lissen heer, little man. Der ain' but one Carl poster. An' dat's da one dat pisses off da jannies 'cuz he tells da truth about what Carl sees in all deez heer ponies and stuff on tv and sometimes in da movies and dat one time on a porno site when he clicked da wrong link.

 

An'one else dat call demselves a Carl poster is jus' a'impersonator, an' can go take a walk through a car wash, 'cuz der ain' nobody dat can come close to da one and only Carl poster. Believe dat.

 

Carl don' mess around. Whut--yoo think years of livin' nexta a buncha FREAKS he didn't learn how ta' handle a ting or two? Hell no. Carl is smart, he knows da score. Which, if you're da New York Jets, is usually zero or below. Giants all da way, baby! Anyhoo, I'm jus' sayin' whut we're all thinkin', or at least you should be thinkin' it, 'cuz if yoo ain't, den dere's sumthin' wrong wit' yoo dat no cure for a virus can fix.

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Carl on Tirek

 

Hey. It's your buddy Carl here, here to talk to yoo about dat crazy-ass dude Tirek. Look. I ain't gonna bad mouth him too much 'cuz der's always a chance dat he's reel an' da next ting I know all my chest hair is gone an' I feel like I just spent da night in da dumpster outside Melon Shakers.

 

But c'mon. Whut da heck is diz guy supposed ta' be, anyway? He looks like a centaur, but he's a bull. He's got four legs like a pony but he ain' no hoarse. He looks like one of dem minotaur creatures back when people weren't as gay as dey are now an' had no problem goin' throo a maze an' kickin' its ass. But yoo tell me. 'Cuz, yoo know, if yoo gonna call yerself a bad ass inna world full of talkin' ponies dat value friendship more dan sports or shakin' it fo' some bits den yoo bettuh be able ta' be damn sure about who an' what yoo are.

 

Now people gonna say, "Well, he's a bad guy, 'cuz he tried to drain everyone of der magic and stuff, an' den went after doze useless earth ponies an' da pegasus." Ponies had it comin' 'cuz nunnadem can defend demselves properly. Yoo know Tirek is out der, yoo git yoreself a gun. I don't care if yoo ain' got no thumbs to use it, make friends with a allicorn or unicorn, den use der magic to blow his bull-human-hoarse-minotaur-pony-whatevuh ass straight back to Hell or wherever it is he came from.

 

So. Tirek. Yay or nay. I'm sayin' mebbe, 'cuz he proved he can be a badass but den he letz deez stupid nudist hoarses capture him an' send him to der version of Hell an' keep him inna cage like some kinda bird. Screw dat. If I'm gonna be attacked by some Elements of Harmony, I'm gonna find da tree dat spawns dem an' light it up like a downtown Atlanta Wendy's. Den whut dey gonna do? Nuthin'. Dat's whut. So in my book, Tirek, he got potential, but he don't know how to use it. Whatevuh he iz, he gotta get da stones to commit a murder or two, den everybody gonna take him seriously an' no pony, not even Sun Butt, gonna wanna mess wit' him. Okay den.

 

 

>How do you learn to Carl post? It seems hard as fuck, is there a path to follow if I want to be a decent carl poster? Look at how carl-accurate and huge this post is, there must be a way.

 

Look, buddy. It ain' hard ta' be Carl. But whut yoo gotta understan' iz dis : Carl is all tings an' everyting when it comes ta' talkin' about stuff dat he don't like or whut he tinks is mebbe gonna git him some attention from chicks. Dat's life, dat's how it works for humans, dat ain' nuthin' yoo don't learn in biology class back in middle school, or high school, or home school, or wherever da heck yoo tryin' ta learn sumthin' so yoo don't end up askin' people if dey want ketchup wit' dat when yoo graduate.

 

Bein' Carl ain't always fun. I'll admit it. 'Cuz sumtimes, shit happens, and den yoo gotta deal wit' it. Like dis one time when dis talkin' robot wouldn't leave me da hell alone, an' my pool got filled up wit' blood, an' den der was da possibility of gettin' raped by a giant bigfoot monster from the past. I mean, I considered it, shore, but my ass has a one-way only sign on it, an' it ain' pointin' north.

 

So anyway. My Little Pony show an' den dis heer suckfest dat Hasbro calls Pony Life iz topics of discussion, an' Carl iz gonna continue to discuss it, as long as dem here jannies don't decide to git a bee in der briefs about Carl posts. Why dey do dat, nobody knows, but it happens, 'cuz most of dem are a bunch of fruits and homos dat spend part of der day pleasuring demselves ta' talkin' hoarses.

 

Yoo wanna be Carl? Everybody wants ta' be Carl. Carl wants ta' be Carl. But if yoo gonna try ta' be Carl, bettuh know what yore gettin' into first. Git yorself a Giants jersey, a six-pack of sumthin' dat might kill you if you drink it all at once, sit down an' watch sum sports wit' yore pants down. See how you feel after six hours and we'll talk. Comprende, chico?

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Carl on Equestria Girls

 

Whut's going on, it's Carl. Yoo know dat der ain' no topic dat I won' talk about 'cuz dis heer my little pony ting iz about as good for da ears as pinkie pie's yovidaphone. But den I seen diz heer "Equestria Girls" on tv, an' hoh boy, whut da hell iz goin' on heer wit' dat.

 

Now, yoo mite tink dat a human version uv My Little Pony wouldn't be so bad. 'Cuz at least dey gonna mebbe look hot an' be able ta' haf sum decent human adventures, like tryin' ta figure out how ta' git past da scrambler on da porn channels on tv, o' mebbe orderin' pizza wit'out sum dumbass gettin' da order wrong.

 

But whut da hell did I see except some stupid tweeners an' teens goin' ta school an' doin' everything except goin' ta class. An' den ain' not one of dem girls actually legal or da color of normal humans. Plus, yoo nevuh see der parents, which in hindsight is mebbe a good idea, seein' as how if i was a chick an' gave birth to a purple or green baby, i'd throw dat tin'g thru da window of a church as soon as possible, if i didn't try ta' drown it first.

 

Look. All I'm tryin' ta' say is diz : Yoo can' just recycle yore crap an' call it a steak dinner. Dat's whut Hasbro done wit' Equestria Girls. Dey tink dat if dey disguise deez characters as human an' mebbe write sumthin' a little different, BOOM, we gotta series. It don't work like dat, an' it shouldn't work like dat, and Hasbro knows it, but dey don't care, 'cuz dey're evil an' probably got dat magical sword from da Legend of Zelda or sumthin'. Yoo know an' I know dat Equestria Girls ain' nuthin' but a repackage of Friendship Iz Magic, so stop watchin' it, change da channel, mebbe see whut Spongebob is up to or whatevuh, an' if we're all lucky, Hasbro will stop puttin' dis crap on da air.

 

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Carl on Princess Twilight 2.0

 

Oh ho ho ho boy. Who da hell thot dat makin' Twilight big an' ugly -- 'scoose me, I meant big an' a purple Celestia clone -- wuz a good idea?

 

See, dat's where dis whole show goes kaboom for me, where it takes a dump an' clogs da toilet in a public bathroom an' ain't no janitors around ta' fix anyting 'cuz dey all went home after someone told dem dat it's Tuesday.

 

I saw dat last season an' I saw Twilight. Holy hell, it looked like Celestia fell into a bathtub full of grape juice an' didn't bother ta' clean up after somehow gettin' out of it an' not drowning.

 

Don' git me wrong, I'm a fan of progress, an' movin' on wit' tings, dat's why I go ta Melon Shakers more dan da Nipple Hut. Dat and da restraining order. But when yoo just slap on sumthin' dat looks cool but makes no damn sense, dat's when yoo gotta sit back, sober up an' ask yoreself whut da hell yoo are doin' wit' yore life. I ain' talkin' some A-A meetin', I'm talkin' about some serious examination of yoreself an' how much is left on yore credit card for erotic websites.

 

Mebbe I'm jus' flappin' my gums an' der ain' no one in da room. But I can't be da only one dat saw "Princess Twilight" big, purple an' Celestia-like an' said 'no'. 'Cuz I ain't. Da Internet is agreein' wit' me, an' if I wasn't so paranoid about my browser history, I'd show it to yoo and prove it.

 

One ting yoo gotta give Hasbro credit for is not giving a crap. Der da kings - or Princesses - of dat area. Ain' no one standin' in der way when it comes to flippin' off der fans, an' yoo gotta respect dem for dat at least. 'Cuz when yoo don't care, yoo can do whatevuh you want. Which apparently includes making beloved, long-time characters look like crap.

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Carl speaks out against an imposter

 

Excuse Me, Mister Xerox, but I didn't know dat I had a long-long bruther aroun' heer. Oh wait mebbe yoo just are a twin dat ended up in a rich and successful family wit' a happy life unlike doze of us dat had ta' eat carpet for Christmas dinnuh.

 

Look, Jackass. Der's only one Carl, an' yoo ain' it. Yoo ain' nevuh gonna be it, so yoo mightazz well stop tryin'. In fact, yoo should stop tryin' anyting in life. 'Cuz it's pretty obvious yore a loser. I'm jus' sayin' what God an' da rest of da world iz thinkin'. Speakin' of God, how about yoo find a way to go meet him soon, an' dat way everybody wins. Sheesh. I mean, I'm flattered dat yoo wanna be me an' all, 'cuz, yoo know, mebbe da government will quit buggin' me about taxes or whatevuh. But Carl is da one and only Moon Mastuh, an' der ain' no udder. So beet it, Adam Sandler, before someone punches you in yore Happy Gilmores.

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Carl on Merch

 

 

I was just on da Internut an' lookin' on eBay for...for some stuff dat ain't important an' got nuthin ta' do wit' pleasuring yoreself wit' used Japanese unmentionables, when I saw on eBay some My Little Pony crap for $3,000.

 

Whut. Da. F[HONK].

 

No seriously. Yoo gonna tell me dat some brony out dere got kicked outta his parents' house an' now needs some money, so he thinks he's gonna sell his entire pathetic collection for three grand? I know this guy probably hadn't been outside 'ceptin' when his house catches fire but c'mon, what reality is dis dude livin' in?

 

An' da worse pahrt, he ain't da only one. No sir. I had ta see fo' myself and oh HO HO HO am I feelin' sick now that I did. Yoo got deez people sellin' individual ponies from like, da 1980s, still in da box, brand new, for like $2,000. An' I seen anuthur one dat wuz a jacket for $1,900.

 

Whut da hell iz rong wit' yoo people? Iz watchin' all dat MLP on tv causin' brain tumors from radiation or sumthin'? Did yoo go to ComiCon and get yore ass kicked too many times?

 

Whut possible reason wood people like da insane bronies on dis heer site wood der bee for dem ta' think sumone's gonna shell out da cost uvva decent used car for sum hoarse dat probably ain' gonna go up in value anytime soon, 'cuz dey're putting too high a value on it already. Oh my god, it makes me want ta punch someone just thinkin' about it.

 

Look. You need money. I git dat. Everybody does. Even me. Yoo think strippers gonna take quarters? No. Dey want bills, and dey wanna see more than just a Washington on it. Thankfully, dey're too stoopid ta' tell who's who. Anyway, my point is, if yoo need cash, git yore ass into a shower, git a haircut, put on some nice clothes and GO FIND A FRIGGIN' JOB. 'Cuz ain' nobody payin two grand fo' some hoarse unless dat hoarse farts out cheeseburgers an' craps ketchup and mustard bottles.

 

>Fight the power Carl! (last Carl thread got deleted)

 

Hey. I'm from Jersey. Where we don't give a f[HONK] about no stupid thirty-seven-year-old up at 2 inda mornin' clickin' away wit' his little mouse, hopin' like hell nobody hacks his webcam and sees dat he's nekkid. Ain' no jannie EVUH gonna stop da Carl in /mlp, no mattuh how many bans or how many warnings. Scroo all dem power-hungry jerks. Mebbe someone should impersonate der mother or sumthin', put da fear of God into dem. Or da fear of bein' caught clickin wit' only one hand.

 

Carl ain' evuh leavin', an' dem jannies no dis, an' dat's whut pisses dem off. Well dat and parental blocks on da computer, WHICH ARE NECESSARY 'cuz some of da crap dey wanna look at would probably git dem and der parents arrested.

 

>thread keeps getting deleted

 

Yea no shit 'cuz some jannie out der got a bee up his ass da last time he tried to go get some honey from it! I dunno whut dis heer guy's problem iz, mebbe he's mad 'cuz I made fun of his auction, or mebbe he's just a jackass, but Carl AIN'T GOIN' NOWHERE. I cannot stress dat enuff. I got 56 kilobytes a second, I got wi-fi dat's protected and I got plenty of time on my hands while I wait for Melon Shakers ta' open. Carl don' need no sleep. As long as I gotta Internet connection, a credit card an' a wi-fi signal, I'm good. Yoo think Dayquil was meant to be drank only durin' da day? I'm friggin' wired here and it's almost 3 a.m. Shove dat up yore little delete key, friggin' jannies.

 

Mebbe dey just feel intimidated by my awesomeness. If dat's da case den dere's a Rainbow Dash thread over der dat could use a good deep clickin'. Send 'em dat way or sumthin. Scroo dis Carl-thread-deletin' crap.

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Carl on Pony Life (#4)

 

 

Whut's da whole point of Pony Life when dey just gonna change everything anyways? 'Cuz if yoo lookat da way Pinkie Pie is drawn dat way, don't kid yoreself...she's a frickin' monster. Like, one of dem tings dat would come outta a house in da woods wantin' ta' eat yoo or take you back to its young or sumthin'. Let's be honest. Animation ain't all it usedta be. I mean, shore, Disney had it goin' good for awhile, until dey god ridda boobs on da female centaurs in Fantasia. Seriously WHAT THE HELL WAS WIT' DAT. C'MON. CENTAURS DON'T WEAR SHIRTS AND DEY AIN'T FLAT. Anyhoo. Disney usedta be good at whut dey did but den dey started puttin' out alotta crap. Pixar, eh, der hokay, but I ain' seen one ting in Up dat don't make me wanna go out and buy life insurance. So, when Hasbro sed, "Hokay, let's make da ponies look like dey was drawn by a eight-year-old dat just learned Flash" I was all like, "Mebbe I should give it a chance".

 

Den I saw da animation and I was like "Hell. No." 'Cuz when yoo gonna draw sumthin, yoo bettuh make damn good and sure dat it ain't gonna take a huge crap on whut yoo drawn it before. Yoo ain't seein' anytin' good on Powerpuff Girls, or dem f[HONK[in' turtles dat like ta' harass Papa John's. No. An' why? 'Cuz da animation is terrible, dat's why.

 

Pony Life ain' nuthin' butta chance ta' grab more money in less time an' Hasbro knows dat. Dat's why dey ain't carin' about whut yoo or me tink. 'Cuz dey ain' gonna watch it. Yoo tink da guy dat invented da suppository tested it on himself? Dis world of Covid we gotta live in now wit' social dinstancing, masks and other bullcrap iz bad enuff wit'out seein' Fluttershy look like she got clobbered by a manticore an' den got brought back ta' life with black magic. C'mon people. Get reel. Stop watchin' da stuff put out by Hasbro an' letum know dat yoo ain' gonna stand for dis crap, or else yoo gonna get another 14 seasons of Pony Life an' more of dat Equestria Girls gahbage.

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Carl on Pony Life (The cable version)

 

 

So I wuz reedin' Wikypedia fo' some infomashun on howta get ridda crabs, an' I decided ta' look at da entry fo' Pony Life. It said dat da show iz gonna officially premiere on November 7, 2020. When dat happens, we are officially scored.

 

Seriously. When dis ting hits da airwaves der's gonna be riots, der's gonna be fights, der's gonna be floods and famine, der's gonna be a buncha nerds an' bronees slappin' da air an' usin' whut dey tink are curse words an all 'cuz dis show iz gonna officially be a part of American television.

 

When I wuz a kid, television meant thirteen channels onna black an' white television an' bugs bunny an' dat horny skunk dat always wanna rape a cat had no coluh. An' we only gotta watch it two hours a day 'cuz der wudn't anyting else on da air. Cartoons wuz a luxury 'cuz dey'd be on fo' five minutes, an' den yoo'd get one hour an' fifty-five minutes of cigarette commercials wit' wimmin dat new der place in da home. In da KICHEN.

 

I'm gittin' off-topic. Mah point iz, yoo gonna have diz crap show - an' it's crap, don't kid yoreself - it'z gonna be joinin' classic stuff like T.J. Hookuh, Dancin' Wit' Da Starz an' Season 71 of da Simpsons. Peepole are gonna see Pony Life, and der gonna be like, "Whut da hell iz diz?" An' den, my friends, dey gonna do sumthin' about it.

 

Lookit like diz. A lotta deez heer showz, dey git canceled 'cuz people don't watch or dey write in an' say how much it sucks. If yoo don't do one or both of deez, yoo only got yoreself ta' blame in 2021 when yoo got nuthin' on TV but Pinkie Pie lookin' like a demon outta Hell dat will give you a cupcake an' den slurp up yore sole.

 

I know der's alotta crud goin' on wit' da election, but don't let it distract yoo from the premiere of Pony Life. We gotta band togethu, let Hasbro know it sucks, an' do it loud, before it's too late. 'Cuz it's getting there, my friends. It won't be much longer 'til yoo git five minutes of commercials an' one-hour-fifty-five minutes of Pony Life CRAP.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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Pretty sure thats all so far