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Flanking Maneuvers Episode 3: Family Matters.

By Mandroid
Created: 19th December 2020 12:56:54 PM
AIE Safe Anon Celestia Comedy

  1. Flanking Maneuvers: Episode 3.
  4. >There was a sun in your face and a moaning in your ear.
  5. >No. Not just a moaning, it sounded like somep0ny was choking.
  6. >You don't care what it is, it's too early for this shit.
  7. "Shut up."
  8. >The sound continues for a moment. "S-so supportive..." Celestia croaks out.
  9. "Don't care. Sleep now."
  10. >The horrible sound starts up again.
  11. >God dammit.
  12. "At least shut the door."
  13. >"No..." She moans back.
  14. "Any reason other than spite?"
  15. >Whatever she's doing to cause that sound, she does it again. "N-No..." she says.
  16. >Cheeky bitch.
  17. >That damn noise continues for the next fifteen minutes.
  18. >Fifteen minutes of assaulting your ears as the sun creeps its way into your eyes.
  19. >Eventually, it becomes too much.
  20. "Goddammit!"
  21. >You throw yourself out of bed.
  22. >And throw your pillow out the open balcony door.
  23. "GODDAMMIT!"
  24. >You stomp into your bathroom.
  25. "Whatever you're doing in here just cost me my favorite pillow so it had better be pretty goddamn importa-"
  26. >You pause as you enter the bathroom.
  27. >Celestia is laying on the floor, vomiting into the toilet.
  28. "Oh."
  29. >Well, that accounted for the noise.
  30. >Your eyes drifted over the sink and spotted that old tube of spermicide.
  31. "OH."
  32. Celestia was the morning...with an expired bottle of spermicide...
  33. "Oh..."
  35. >"This is so bad." Celestia says as she paces around the room.
  36. >You had helped her through the rest of her vomiting and gotten her cleaned up a bit.
  37. >It was now that the reality of the situation was setting in.
  38. "It's not that bad." You said sitting on the bed, still in your boxers.
  39. >"Mous, any child that we had would be dead within a week of birth with what we do to each other."
  40. "Maybe you're not pregnant."
  41. >Celestia shoots you her best "are you serious" look.
  42. "What? It could happen."
  43. >Celestia goes back to her pacing. "How could this happen? I'm always so careful! That spermicide was supposed to be good for another month!"
  44. > may have fucked up there...
  45. >You know you had swiped the bottle and thrown it out the window during one of Celestias more animated vomiting episodes.
  46. "Maybe the spermicide just went bad?"
  47. >"Oh, I severely hope not! For their sake! A thousand years on the moon will seem easy compared to what I do to them..."
  48. "Shit. This sucks."
  49. >"This does more the suck, dear." She says "The public will be up in arms, the schools around here will need to be aler-"
  50. "No. Now you'll be stealing my food and you'll have a reason to be bitchy."
  52. >Celestia silently rolls her eyes as she keeps pacing. "Uhg. What are we going to do about this?"
  53. "Will you stop worrying so much LightBrite? We live in a castle, remember? Lots of stairs here."
  54. >That seemed to have crossed a line, as Celestia stopped in her tracks and glared at you. "Not funny."
  55. "Yes it was."
  56. >Celestia scoffs. "Of course, I live for over a thousand years and take over a thousand partners, and the one time I slip up is with the one who acts like a child."
  57. "You knew what you were getting into when you fuckin' married me."
  58. >"I didn't know I was getting into having a child!" She shouts.
  59. >This idiot was over a thousand years old and still scared of kids.
  60. >You rise from the bed and spread your arms.
  61. "Do you want a hug?" You ask flatly.
  62. >Celestia turns to look at you. "What?"
  63. >She sounded legitimately surprised.
  64. "I don't even want to have breakfast with you if you're going to be this annoying, let alone a baby. Do. You want. A hug?"
  65. >Celestia walks towards you with her lower lip out.
  66. >She silently plops her head on your shoulder. "I'm still annoyed at you."
  67. >You wrap your arms around her neck.
  68. "No you're not, your just hormonal."
  69. >Celestia groans as she walks to her beauty desk and goes at her hair with the brush.
  70. "We telling everyone at breakfast?" You ask as you search for your pants.
  71. >"Why in Equestria would that be a good idea?"
  72. "Because they probably want to know if they're about to become aunts and uncles?"
  73. >"Mous, we don't even know if we're about to become parents. I think the rest of the family can wait."
  74. >Maybe...
  76. >Breakfast was quite.
  77. >Mostly because Celestia was ridiculously tense.
  78. >Most probably couldn't tell, but they haven't had to spend virtually every waking minute together for the past forever.
  79. >You never really noticed how little everyp0ny else at the table contributed to conversation...
  80. >Did you two really argue that much?
  81. >You enjoyed your sweet rolls not being shoved in your mouth for a while before Luna spoke up.
  82. >"The two of you seem rather quiet there something you wish to discuss?"
  83. >Shit. Of course Luna could sense something was up.
  84. >Uhhh...uh...crap!
  85. >Celestia steps in. "What do you mean, sister? We're just sitting at the table enjoying the families' company. There isn't anything that needs discuss-
  86. "Celestia thinks she's pregnant."
  87. >Luna's jaw drops.
  88. >Cadence does a spit take.
  89. >Shining Armor is choking on his bagel.
  90. >Everything is silent for an eternity.
  91. >And then you're thrown across the room.
  93. >You landed on your back and skidded and skipped along the floor.
  94. >"YOU IDIOT!" Celestia shouted.
  95. "I panicked!" You shouted back as you pushed yourself up.
  96. >Celestia flies over and lands in front of you. "What!? You can stare down a spirit of chaos, but you can't keep your mouth shut over breakfast!?
  97. >Your temper flares as you shove your face in hers.
  98. "It might have been easier to do if you weren't exuding "I got knocked up" waves as you sat there!"
  99. >Celestia stomps her hoof as her eyes start to glow. "Oh do not even start on me sitting there! It's your fault that I had to consider lying to my family in the first place!"
  100. "MY FAULT!? You're the one wh-"
  101. >"Would you two like to take this to your room!?" Shining Armor shouts in his guard voice as he and the rest of the family gallop up to the two of you.
  102. >"Not now!"
  103. "Don't tempt me!"
  105. >Celestia's eyes stop glowing as everyp0ny gathers round.
  106. >"You alright?" Shining armor asks you.
  107. "Yeah, I'm fine."
  108. >She deals out worse anyway...
  109. >Celestia brings a hoof to her face. "And now, everyp0ny knows. Brilliant."
  110. >Maybe if you hadn't shouted...
  111. >Luna approaches Celestia. "Sister...Is it true? Are you...with child?"
  112. >Celestia sighs. "So it would seem...I spent the greater part of this morning trapped in the bathroom."
  113. >"Oh my...that does sound rather serious...Perhaps-" Cadence says.
  114. >Celestia stomps her hoof on the ground. "No. I will not allow this simple possibility to effect the workings of this kingdom until it becomes a certainty."
  115. >Celestia may act like a teenager sometimes, but she knew how to inspire. Everyp0nies faces looked a mixture of awe and calm.
  116. >"And if this...-condition-...becomes a reality, then we will deal with it in the most deserving manner."
  117. >Shining Armor salutes. "Yes ma'am." Before walking away with his wife.
  118. >Luna steps closer. "Well sister...if you think you can handle it, I trust you." She walks past and heads to her room. "Know that you need only ask should you desire to talk!" She calls back.
  119. >You walk up to your wife.
  120. "Well, look at you. You were all nervous before and you set everything straight with some pretty words."
  121. >"Mous, shut up and come with me."
  122. >You cock an eyebrow.
  123. "Where we goin'?"
  124. >"We're going to the drugstore to buy every pregnancy test they have." Celestia said.
  125. >Huh...Celestia also seemed to be a very good liar...
  127. >You stood in an alley next to the drug store.
  128. "This is so stupid..."
  129. >"Look, just go in there and buy the tests. Tell them to bill the palace."
  130. "And you don't think that will raise suspicion? On top of the fact that everyp0ny knows we're married? On top of the fact that they can probably see you standing here?"
  131. >You lean back and peek through the window at the shop keep.
  132. >"Mous, I have a reputation to uphold. I cannot be seen going into the drugstore to buy pregnancy tests!"
  133. >You cross your arms.
  134. "Oh, but your husband can?"
  135. >Celestia sighs. "Mous, just please do this for me."
  136. >You look down the road at the traffic.
  137. "Fine..."
  138. >Celestia perks up. "How come I have to be moping to get you to be sweet?"
  139. "Because watching you mope sucks. I have a reputation to uphold too, you know."
  140. >Celestia smirks as you step inside the store.
  142. >Just because you agreed to do this didn't mean you were going to make it pleasant.
  143. >You walked through the aisles as you looked for the right tests.
  144. >"M-milord?" A voice came from behind the counter.
  145. "Supply run for the castle, pay it no mind." You say with a wave.
  146. >Okay, here they are. "Scry Baby: See if your future holds a bouncing ball of joy."
  147. >Yeah, you doubt that.
  148. >As you stand, you spot another prize.
  149. >Spermicide.
  150. >Dozens and dozens of boxes of spermicide.
  151. >"Uh...Will you be billing this too the castle, Milord?" The clerk asks.
  152. "I will...and sorry for any damages."
  153. >"Damages?"
  154. >You slip your hands between the shelf and the boxes and push.
  155. >The end of the aisle becomes a virtual waterfall of pregnancy tests and spermicide.
  156. >As you go to inspect your handiwork, you turn to the stunned face of the clerk.
  157. "Can I get this in paper?"
  158. >Celestia was on your ass about going green.
  160. >That evening, you and Celestia had worked out a system.
  161. >You would help her drink half her weight in water, hand her some tests, and let her go to town.
  162. >After all the tests are done, you compile the results.
  163. "So, out of a hundred and thirty seven tests...eighty six were positive."
  164. >"Which means...?"
  165. >You run the numbers in your head.
  166. "Which means...there is a 62% chance that you're pregnant."
  167. >Celestia chuckles as she nurses her headache.
  168. >Taking in and expelling that much water probably hurts.
  169. >"No "we're pregnant"?" She asks.
  170. "I don't have a parasite growing in me..." You say as you walk over and sit on the floor next to Celestia.
  171. "...And I'm also still open to skipping town to Zebrica."
  172. >Celestia laughs. "Such a romantic..."
  173. "I'm a great catch, I know."
  174. >Celestia leans against you. "A catch that has not only possibly condemned me to almost an entire year of torment, but has robbed my evening from me by making me take pregnancy tests among a mountain of spermicide."
  175. "At least I stocked up. And I helped with the tests, might I add."
  176. >Celestia remains unmoving. "All the trappings of the perfect psychopath father."
  177. "Better then a nymphomaniac mother."
  178. >That gets you a laugh.
  179. >The two of you sit there for a while as you contemplate the future.
  180. "Let's name it Spock."
  181. >Celestia laughs again. "And if it's a girl?"
  182. "Girl-Spock."

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