BiE 83: Eugenics.


                                            =BiE 83=


                                            >Year 1752 in Equestria

                                            >You walked down the street on your way to work.

                                            >You were not looking forward to today...

                                            >It was going to suck royally.

                                            >Still, it was your job to manage this crap.

                                            >The job can't always be screwing with Celestia and walking around...

                                            >Every so often, a crisis would rear its ugly head.

                                            >This particular one involved unicorns.

                                            >Unicorn birthrates had skyrocketed in the last ten years.

                                            >Unicorn foals now made up almost half of the ones in Canterlot.

                                            >Under normal circumstances, that wouldn't be an issue.

                                            >However, some p0nies thought the Unicorns to be of a higher class then the rest of the non-magical citizens.

                                            >That had lead to some conspiracies, that Celestia and Luna were spiking the water to breed a Unicorn master race.

                                            >Today was the day where the Princesses were going to try meeting with the leader of this moronic "organization" and try to talk him down.

                                            >You retained the same level of confidence in it that you always had for this kind of stuff.

                                            >You figured you would have to fix everything.

                                            >Again.


                                            >The tide of problems hits you in the face as soon as you get to the castle.

                                            >"Logician, we examined the map in the event of a riot. Likely hotspots are here, here, and here."

                                            >"Get some guards there, but keep them undercover. I don't need a bunch of stallions in armor stetting a riot off early."

                                            >Another assistant trots up to you. "Sir. In the advent of this seasons weather, I feel the need to warn against the possibilities of street side bonfires."

                                            >"What season is it?"

                                            >"Winter, sir."

                                            >Keeping warm.

                                            >"If a mob meets outside the castle, I want our guards handing out warm clothes. Make sure they see us doing it, too."

                                            >"Yes sir."

                                            >You continue walking through the castle.

                                            >Where the fuck was...

                                            >"Captain Tarkus!"

                                            >The Griffin pauses to turn to you. "What is it, Logician?"

                                            >Christ, you beat up some guards a couple a hundred years ago and suddenly every guard captain hates you...

                                            >"Have you given your guards the instructions I sent out?"

                                            >Tarkus puts his helmet on and makes for the door. "I will not risk my men's lives for your orders, Logician."

                                            >Stupid griffin...

                                            >You step in front of Tarkus' escape.

                                            >"And I won't risk the safety of the citizens of Canterlot to protect soldiers in armor."

                                            >Tarkus and you exchange glares.

                                            >"Nonlethal means of containment only, Tarkus. We can't afford to look like tyrants here."

                                            >Tarkus grunts. "If I didn't think you'd sell me out to the Princesses in a heartbeat, I'd simply ignore you."

                                            >Damn straight you would.


                                            >After a day of playing chess ten hours in advance against somep0ny who could flip the table at any time, you were finally sitting down for lunch.

                                            >Anon sat across the table from you drinking a coffee.

                                            >"I am so glad we have trade with Zebica..." He says as he takes another sip.

                                            >"Long nights?"

                                            >"Coming up on three days straight today...stupid protesters have us looking up every angle."

                                            >"Your hubby pissed?"

                                            >"He's too scared of me when I'm cranky to be pissed off."

                                            >"What have you got?" You ask.

                                            >Anon leans back in his chair, making sure to keep his drink with him. "The expected, this just looks like a genetic fluke."

                                            >"Can magic even be used to influence birth?"

                                            >Anon shakes his head. "Hell no. Otherwise, the latent magics of Canterlot would have turned us into an entirely unicorn city by now. And I'd probably have some biological kids, to boot."

                                            >You sigh.

                                            >"But you just know that the protesters aren't going to be listening to any of that..."

                                            >Anon groans. "Almost makes you long for the days of doomsday cults and Dogfathers."

                                            >"Tch. Screw that. I was the one who had to sleep in the woods and get impaled."

                                            >"You did those to yourself, ya nimrod."

                                            >The two of you sit in silence for a moment. "Still...times have changed...

                                            >You slowly nod your head.

                                            >"Not always for the better, eh?"

                                            >Anon pinches the bridge of his nose. "I could stand to see somep0ny else solve some problems every so often."

                                            >"Then what would we do?"

                                            >"Sleep."


                                            >Where the ever-loving fuck was Celestia?

                                            >How does one lose a horse the size of a man?

                                            >The meeting was in twenty minutes and the rioters had already taken to the streets.

                                            >You had checked in her room, didn't even find a stain on the sheets you could use for a clue.

                                            >You caught Luna on her way to the meeting, she apparently hadn't seen her sister either.

                                            >Fuck. Your. Life.

                                            >It's on your umpteenth trip over one of the castles catwalks that you notice a flowing pastel shape in a garden below you.

                                            >"Of course you're there..."

                                            >You guess that made sense.

                                            >You head down the stairs and come out near the side of the garden.

                                            >Celestia was sitting in front of a modest gravestone in the center of a ring of flowers.

                                            >Carved into it was: "Twilight Sparkle: Grand Magister and favored student of Princess Celestia."


                                            >You approach her from the side.

                                            >"You alright, strobe light?"

                                            >Celestia sighs, her face low. "I just keep thinking...Twilight would have had this wrapped up in the time it would take me to walk to this meeting. She would use some unique combination of brilliance and that gloriously approachable attitude of hers to calm everyp0ny down."

                                            >You look down at the grave.

                                            >"She was a good kid."

                                            >"I've taken on a few students since she left my tutelage, but none of them have come close to the potential she had."

                                            >You slip your hands into your pockets.

                                            >"Such is the way of things in an unending life, huh? There's always going to be that one person who shines above all the rest."

                                            >Celestia closes her eyes for a moment. "...Yes."

                                            >You give her a few moments with her favorite pupil, before you tap her on the shoulder.

                                            >"C'mon, let's go put this problem down before they turn her into a demon with six heads or something."

                                            >Celestia chuckles as she falls in line behind you. "Historians always get those facts wrong. I can assure them that she never had more than five.

                                            >Heh.

                                            >Good one.


                                            >The two of you walked into the throne room from the back.

                                            >Anon ran up to you as you came in. "You're very late..."

                                            >You pull him aside as Celestia trots up to the amassed crowed.

                                            >"Couldn't be helped, be glad I got her here."

                                            >"Princess Celestia! So glad you could come..."

                                            >The clink of Celestia's horseshoes echoes through the room. "Royal Lace, I stand here to defend the innocence of the unicorns against your accusations."

                                            >You and Anon walk up and join her. "Standing with me is my sister, Princess Luna, an ex-Grand Magister, and the current Royal Logician."

                                            >How come you didn't get a name...

                                            >Royal Lace puffs himself up. Yes, yes, we know who they are...State what "evidence" you have! Let the people of Canterlot judge you."

                                            >Celestia nods and Anon and Luna step forward. "We have poured over everything from old Canterlot records, to the magical regulator, to the water supply, to the children themselves." Anon said.

                                            >"Luna stepped forward again. "Every shred of evidence points to this being nothing more than a genetic fluke. Nothing that warrants this kind of a reaction."

                                            >Royal Lace simply huffs. "A likely story. A story that is exactly what you want us to here!"

                                            >The crowed cheers him on. "We're fed up with your lies, Princesses! You won't stop until all are like you, magic users!"

                                            >What?

                                            >"We won't allow you to change our children!" He shouts.

                                            >"Would you listen to yourself!?"


                                            >Everyp0ny stares at you.

                                            >"The princesses are changing our kids in the womb! It makes perfect sense!" Is what you all hear in your heads?"

                                            >Royal Lace stares at you. "Stay out of this Logician! This is between us an-

                                            >"I'M TALKING." You shout.

                                            >You had been practicing a Canterlot voice with Luna, it's nice to see it worked.

                                            >"As you said, I'm royal logician. So let's use some mother fucking logic."

                                            >You leave your place next to Celestia and begin to stroll around the crowed.

                                            >"Why the hell would the Princesses change everyp0ny to unicorns? If they were that selfish, it'd be more magic to have to share. If anything, by your logic they would want to DECREASE unicorn birthrates."

                                            >You continue to patrol the front of the crowd.

                                            >"Also, if you had actually LET the ex-Grand Magister and Princess explain their findings, they'd show you the proof that this is just a genetic accident."

                                            >Lace regains his composure "That still does no-"

                                            >"And this guy! I've never seen a bigger narcissist in my life!"

                                            >Celestia.


                                            >"This twit doesn't want your kids safe! He wants to be famous! He was a fashion worker before all this!"

                                            >You had your boys do some snooping.

                                            >You step in front of Royal Lace and look over the crowed.

                                            >"P0nies, don't let yourselves be pawns to this...attention horse."

                                            >Nice.

                                            >"He's using you all to get himself in history books. Don't let him do that, you're better than that."

                                            >The crowd stands in silence as Royal Lace begins to sweat.

                                            >"I'd like to see their proof." A p0ny in the back says.

                                            >Another shouts up. "Me too!"

                                            >The rest of the crowd joins in the chorus of voices and inches closer to Anon.

                                            >He calms  them down and brings out a chart."Okay, okay, settle down everyp0ny...

                                            >As Anon begins to explain the concept behind genes, you spot Royal Lace slip out of the throne room.

                                            >That's what he gets. Punk ass bitch.

                                            >You take a seat on the floor and take in your science lesson for the day.