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Flanking Maneuvers Episode 8: Dickish Duets.

By Mandroid
Created: 19th December 2020 01:08:46 PM

  1. =Flanking Maneuvers 8=
  2.  
  3. "This is an absolute fuck-terrible idea."
  4. >"Lighten up. You never take me out."
  5. "Because your city has nothing to offer!"
  6. >"The greatest city in Equestria has nothing to offer?"
  7. "Seemingly nothing better than a karaoke bar, if you're dragging me out at this hour."
  8. >"Oh, stop your pouting. You'll at least get to see him."
  9. >Celly had you there...
  10. >You felt yourself get more excited as you came up on the bar.
  11. >And there, standing outside it, was someone you hadn't seen in far too long.
  12. >No words are said as the two of you break away from your spouses and hug it out in the middle of the street.
  13. >"Long time no see."
  14. "Too long, Anon."
  15. >You and Anon separate as your wives catch up with you.
  16. "Well if it isn't the fastest flier in Equestria."
  17. >Rainbow hoofs you in the shoulder. "And if it isn't the crown prince."
  18. >You could tell Celly was behind you when Anon and Rainbow bowed their heads.
  19. >"Oh there is no need for that. We're all family here."
  20. "Yeah, and she doesn't even have her +10 ego boosting crown on."
  21. >Thanks for including them Celly.
  22. >You throw your arm around Celly's neck and point to the bar.
  23. "Shall we?"
  24.  
  25. >Dude, fuck karaoke.
  26. "If I have to listen to "Every Rose Has it's Thorne" one more time, I'm getting the guards to arrest everyone in here."
  27. >"How did Poison even get here?" Anon asks.
  28. "Bret Michaels is the fucking Devil..."
  29. >The night wore on and the drinks flowed.
  30. >Anon sang his pattented performance of Puttin' on the Ritz, Rainbow liked the way he twirled the mic stand between his fingers.
  31. >Celly did too. Quite vocally.
  32. "No. You can't take him home with us."
  33. >Celly pouts. "But deeeeear!"
  34. "No."
  35. >"More fingers!"
  36. "Not with my bro."
  37. >Celly shoots her bottom lip out as Anon steps off the stage.
  38. >"Mous, serenade me."
  39. "What?"
  40. >She turns back to you with a wicked smile. "Go up on that stage and serenade me with a song about how dear I am to you."
  41. "Fuck off."
  42. >"I knew you couldn't do it."
  43. >Your glass almost cracks in your hand.
  44. "What."
  45. >"I knew that you couldn't sing."
  46. "We did a duet once!"
  47. >"And you never did a single thing solo!"
  48. >You and Celestia glare at each other in the middle of the bar.
  49. >Oh. It's on.
  50.  
  51.  
  52. >You cover your eyes as you make your way onto the stage.
  53. "Right, okay. Your monarch has requested I sing for her."
  54. >Celly raises a glass at you from her seat.
  55. >You turn to the stereo and flip through the songs, smiling as you find an old favorite.
  56. "And I think I have just the one for her."
  57. "Yeah yeah. If I didn't have you"
  58. >The guest settle in and Anon covers his face with his hand.
  59. "If I didn't have you to hold me tight"
  60. (If I didn't have you)
  61. >They even have the reverb!
  62. "If I didn't have you to lie with at night"
  63. (When I'm feeling blue)
  64. >This is fucking sweet.
  65. "If I didn't have you to share my sights"
  66. (Share my sights)
  67. "And to kiss me and dry my tears when I cry..."
  68. "Well I, really think that I would... Have somebody else."
  69. >The entire crowed giggles, Even Celly.
  70. (If I didn't have you)
  71. "If I didn't have you, someone else would do"
  72. "Your love is one in a million"
  73. (One in a million)
  74. "You couldn't buy it at any price"
  75. (Can't buy love)
  76. "But of the nine point nine-nine-nine hundred thousand other possible loves, Statistically some of them would be equally nice."
  77. (Equally nice)
  78. "Or maybe not as nice but say, smarter than you... Or... dumber but better at sport or... Tracing. I'm just saying."
  79. (I really think that I would)
  80. "Probably."
  81. (Have somebody else)
  82. "Yeah."
  83. >You do some sort of little leg dance thing, getting another laugh.
  84.  
  85. (If I didn't have you)
  86. "If I didn't have you someone else would do"
  87. (Someone else would surely do)
  88. "If I were a rich man"
  89. "And did a diddle diddle diddle diddle diddle diddly"
  90. "I guess I would be with a surgeon or a model"
  91. "Or relly of the riches or a fashion queen"
  92. "Or a nymphomonical exhibitionist Wonderbolt with lots of free time."
  93. "If I were a rich man maybe I would fiddle-"
  94. "Fiddle diddle diddle with the rich man girls."
  95. "I'm not saying that I'd not love you if I was wealthy or handsome."
  96. "But realistically there's lots of fish in the sea, and if I had a different rod I would conceivably land some."
  97. "Even though I am fiscally consistently pitiable."
  98. "And considerably less Brad Bit than Brad Bitiful."
  99. "And I'm really so poor and ugly that you think only you could possibly love me?"
  100. "And I-"
  101. (Really think that I would)
  102. "Probably,"
  103. (Have somebody else)
  104. "Yeah."
  105. >Another leg dance, another laugh.
  106. (If I didn't have you)
  107. "If I didn't have you, someone else would do."
  108. (Someone else would surely do)
  109. "Look, I'm not undervaluing what we've got when I say that given the role chaos inevitably plays in the inherently flawed notion of "fate", it's abstruse to deduce that I've found my soul mate at the age of twenty six."
  110. "It's just mathematically unlikely that after a trip across the sky I happened to stumble on the one girl alive specifically designed for me."
  111. "And if I may conjecture a further objection love is nothing to do with destined perfection."
  112. "The connection is strengthened, the affection simply grows over time."
  113. "Like a flower."
  114. "Or a mushroom"
  115. "Or a guinea pig"
  116. "Or a vine"
  117. "Or a sponge"
  118. "Or bigotry"
  119. >Pause for effect
  120. "...or a banana!" (banana)
  121. >The crowed laughs a hearty laugh.
  122. >Enjoy that one, Celly.
  123.  
  124. "Love is made more powerful by the ongoing drama of shared experience, and synergy of a kind of symbiotic empathy or... something...
  125. >More giggles
  126. "So I trust it would go without saying that I would feel really very sad if tomorrow you were to fall off something high or catch something bad."
  127. "But I'm just saying, I don't think you're special."
  128. >Shit, catch yourself.
  129. "I mean... I think your special but, you fall within a bell curve."
  130. >You make a bell shape with your hands.
  131. "I mean, I'm just saying I-"
  132. (Think that I would)
  133. "Probably,"
  134. (Have somebody else)
  135. >Time to show em your chops.
  136. "I think you are unique and beautiful."
  137. "You make me happy just by being around."
  138. (Being around)
  139. "But objectively you would have to agree that baby when I found you, options were relatively thin on the ground."
  140. (Thin on the ground)
  141. "Your lovely but there must be girls as lovely as you, and maybe more open to painting or...fucking table tennis I'm just-"
  142. (That I think that I would)
  143. "Probably,"
  144. (Have somebody else)
  145.  
  146. "I mean I reckon it's pretty likely that if for example, My first landlord on Earth hadn't dropped me
  147. after I set fire to his car and had to move in with Anon back before I came here."
  148. "Then our variables would probably have been altered by the absence of that event, to have meant the advent of a tangential narrative and which we don't meet."
  149. "Which is to say there exists a theoretical hypothetical parallel life, where what is is not as it is and I am not your husband and you are not my wife."
  150. >You point with your fingers and cross your arms for effect.
  151. "And I am a stuntman living in LP, married to a small blonde pegasus skier, who when she's not training, does abstract painting, practices yoga, and brews her own beer, and really like making home movies, and suffers neck down alopecia!"
  152. >The crowd laughs as you make your creepiest smile.
  153. "But with all my heart and all my mind I know one thing is true, I have just one life and just one love and love that love is you."
  154. "And if it wasn't for you, Baby..."
  155. (I really think that I would)
  156. "Probably..."
  157. (Have somebody else)
  158. "Yeah..."
  159.  (If I didn't have you)
  160. "If I didn't have you someone else would do."
  161. (Someone else would surely do)
  162. "Dooooooooooooo..."
  163.  
  164. >The crowd applauds as you step off the stage, Celly meeting you halfway.
  165. "Enjoy your balled?"
  166. >"Inspiring." She says with a smile.
  167. >"So inspiring that I have decided to give it a try."
  168. >You chuckle.
  169. "This'll be good."
  170. >You head back to your seat as Celly trots onto the stage.
  171. >You never noticed how casual she looked without her crown and jewels...She looks normal out here.
  172. >Celly cycles through the songs on the stereo until a wicked smile parts her lips and she presses play.
  173. >She winks at you as she steps up to the mic.
  174.  
  175. >"Oh~."
  176. >"OooH~"
  177. >Oh god...
  178. >"No evolution, sometimes it depresses me."
  179. >"The same old same, we keep repeating history."
  180. >"The institution curses curiosity, It's our conviction."
  181. >"Sex is not the enemy."
  182. >Of course.
  183. >"A revolution."
  184. >"Is the solution."
  185. >"A revolution."
  186. >"Is the solution."
  187. >The crowd applauds in droves as Celly sells it like a champ
  188. >"I don't feel guilty, No matter what they're telling me.
  189. >"I won't feel dirty and buy into their misery."
  190. >She gives the entire club bedroom eyes.
  191. >"I won't be shamed cause I believe that love is free."
  192. >"It fuels the heart and sex is not my enemy."
  193.  
  194. >"A revolution."
  195. >"Is the solution."
  196. >"A revolution."
  197. >"Is the solution."
  198. >Celly shakes her hair like a madmare as the guitar screeches.
  199. >"True love is like gold, there's not enough to go around."
  200. >They clearly hadn't seen Celly's toys...
  201. >"But then there's me and baby, I love everyone."
  202. >"Give me a choice, give me a chance to turn the key."
  203. >"And find my voice, Sex is not the enemy."
  204. >She picks up the mic with her magic and bobs her head along it as she sings.
  205. >"A revolution."
  206. >"Is the solution."
  207. >"A revolution."
  208. >"Is the solution."
  209. >"Sex is not the enemy."
  210. >Celly does as many provocative things with the mic stand as she can in time to the music.
  211. >Straddling it.
  212. >Spinning around it.
  213. >Everything.
  214. >"A revolution."
  215. >"Oh~."
  216. >The lights dim as the song ends and the crowd goes wild.
  217. >Celly trots back to her seat and gives you a smug grin. "Enjoy the show?"
  218. "They did. You either just ruined your reputation or became the most beloved Princess ever."
  219. >Celestia shrugs. "Sex sells, dear."
  220.  
  221. >This was such a bad idea.
  222. >But you were too drunk to care.
  223. >It had been a few hours since Celly's song.
  224. >Anon had done a few Stones tunes before he went back and drank until he almost passed out., and more stallions tried to impress their dates with love songs.
  225. >The entire time, Celly and you had been talking.
  226. >At first you both thought it ridiculous, but as the booze flowed, you soon found yourself on stage.
  227. "Right. Okay. I heard this back in Ponyville one year."
  228. >"My student sang it!" Celly shouts.
  229. "Yeah. So, we're gonna do it duet style, yeah?"
  230. >The patrons who were still awake shouted and applauded as best they could.
  231. >You grin at Celly as you sync up the tunes.
  232. >This was gonna be so great...
  233.  
  234. "Three days of broken bed frames."
  235. "From an insatiable wife."
  236.  
  237. >"My husband has just given up."
  238. >"This has become his life."
  239.  
  240. "But daylight has started burning."
  241. "And she's tired of my hands..."
  242.  
  243. >"And even though I ask all day,"
  244. >"He's still opposed to brands~."
  245. >Anon half laughs half cries in his seat.
  246.  
  247. >Time for the ping pong.
  248. >"The time has come to clean our room!"
  249. "And fix the broken things."
  250. >"Look for anything to replace."
  251. "And buff out all the dings."
  252. >"Do you need help? I'm sure I can~..."
  253. "Get your horn away from me!"
  254. >"I could just fix it with my magic."
  255. "I'll break it off, you'll see!"
  256. >Somepony in the back shouts a resounding "YEAH!"
  257.  
  258. >You both prepare for the duet portion
  259. "Sex-Time clean up!
  260. >"Sex-Time clean up!
  261. "Get it off the rug before it stains!"
  262. "Sex-Time clean up!"
  263. >"Sex-Time clean up!"
  264. >"Put away the whips and chains!"
  265. >Dammit, Celly!
  266. "Put away the whips and chains!"
  267.  
  268. >You're up.
  269. "Picking up the scattered clothes,"
  270. "A husbands job begins."
  271. "And throwing back those damn curtains."
  272. "To let the sunshine in"
  273. >Celly grabs her mic with her magic.
  274. >"I fix the bed"
  275. >"And I clean the window!"
  276. >"When my sun shines through"
  277. >"My warmth and beauty will grow~!"
  278. >Narcissist...
  279. "Sex-Time clean up!
  280. >"Sex-Time clean up!
  281. "Get it off the rug before it stains!"
  282. "Sex-Time clean up!"
  283. >"Sex-Time clean up!"
  284. >"Put away the whips and chains!"
  285. "Sex-Time clean up!
  286. >"Sex-Time clean up!
  287. >"Put away the whips and chains!"
  288. "Put away the whips and chains!"
  289.  
  290. >"Royal guards fly to and fro"
  291. >"And try to peek inside!"
  292.  
  293. "After all the time spent here,"
  294. "It's just no use to hide."
  295.  
  296. >"I don't much mind it when they look,"
  297. >"Give them a little show!"
  298.  
  299. "I send a few of them inside."
  300. "To clean up all of the Jell-O!"
  301.  
  302. "Sex-Time clean up!
  303. >"Sex-Time clean up!
  304. "Get it off the rug before it stains!"
  305. "Sex-Time clean up!"
  306. >"Sex-Time clean up!"
  307. >"Put away the whips and chains!"
  308. "Sex-Time clean up!
  309. >"Sex-Time clean up!
  310. >"Put away the whips and chains!"
  311. "Put away the whips and chains!"
  312.  
  313.  
  314. "No easy task to wash the sheets!"
  315. "Get out all the seed."
  316. "I told Celly this would happen..."
  317. "But she did not heed."
  318.  
  319. >"Front ways, back ways, from the top!"
  320. >"From the bottom too!"
  321. >"Just when he catches his breath again"
  322. >"I come up with something new!"
  323. >Damn straight...
  324.  
  325. "Sex-Time clean up!
  326. >"Sex-Time clean up!
  327. "Get it off the rug before it stains!"
  328. "Sex-Time clean up!"
  329. >"Sex-Time clean up!"
  330. >"Put away the whips and chains!"
  331. "Sex-Time clean up!
  332. >"Sex-Time clean up!
  333. >"Put away the whips and chains!"
  334. "Put away the whips and chains!"
  335. >Most of the crowd is laughing, but some look uncomfortable.
  336. "Now that you know what we both do."
  337. "How we spend our day."
  338. "I know you think us both insane."
  339. "And you doubt our way."
  340. "Don't worry about us,"
  341. "And our verbal melee."
  342. "Let me tell you all now;"
  343. "This is just foreplay,"
  344. "This is just foreplay!"
  345.  
  346. "Sex-Time clean up!
  347. >"Sex-Time clean up!
  348. "Get it off the rug before it stains!"
  349. "Sex-Time clean up!"
  350. >"Sex-Time clean up!"
  351. >"Put away the whips and chains!"
  352. "Sex-Time clean up!
  353. >"Sex-Time clean up!
  354. >"Put away the whips and chains!"
  355. "Put away the whips and chains!"
  356.  
  357. "Put away the whips and chains!"
  358. >"Put away the whips and chains!"
  359. "Put away the whips and chains!"
  360.  
  361. >The four of you stumble out of the bar a little after midnight, laughing the entire way.
  362. >Your duet killed it, sending the bar into drinking overload.
  363. "Where'reyou stayin?"
  364. >Anon rubs his face. "Same hotel's last time we were here..."
  365. >Pfffffffffft!
  366. "Naw, fuck that. You're gonn' stay with us in the castle. Celly! They stayin' with us!"
  367. >Your wife stumble behind you.
  368. >She was never one for the hard stuff.
  369. >As you walked back home, she nuzzled your face.
  370. >"D'you mean that love stuff in your song, baby?"
  371. "Couldn't fit "Pain in my ass" in the lyrics."
  372. >Celly lets out a long held laugh before she devolves into gigglesnort fits.
  373. >"Heh...YOU'S an ass..."
  374. "The fun kind, though."
  375. >"The singing kind! Look errypony! A singing ass!"
  376. >You extend a finger at her.
  377. "You're da-runk."
  378. >"M' buzzed."
  379. "Buzzed gotta go ta' bed."
  380. >Celly slaps her head into your shoulder. "C'n we do "Sex-Time clean up?"
  381. "Mebbe tomorrow."
  382. >"Promise?"
  383. "Drunk promise. Might not remember."
  384. >Celly is silent for a while. "...Kay."
  385.  
  386. >You practically collapse on your bed once you get back to the room, Celly crawling onto her side soon after.
  387. >"I had fun tonight..." Celly said.
  388. "I might've had fun, F' I have a hangover tomorrow will decide."
  389. >Celly was quiet for a minute. "R'you drunk enuff not t' member stuff?"
  390. >You wave you hand in front of your face and wait a few seconds for the afterimage to go away.
  391. "Eeeeyup. Why? S'this when you tell me yur preggers 'gain?"
  392. >Celly releases a long loud laugh. "Lobe you..."
  393. "You wot?"
  394. >Celly raises her head from her pillow. "Lobe...lurve...loburve..." She shakes her head. "Can't say it right!"
  395. >Her head falls back onto her pillow and she smiles at you. "But I really like bein' married t' you."
  396. >Someone was plastered.
  397. "Eh?"
  398. >Celly laughs again. "Yur a jerk and yur rude and funny and that's so much more fun than errything that used to happen here! 'Nd I really really like it when we spend the day together."
  399. >Celly looks at you with big magenta eyes. "So I lobe you."
  400. >Your eyes are locked together for a long time.
  401. "You should go t' sleepy, Celly."
  402. >She gives you a kiss on the cheek and covers you with her giant-ass wing. "Okay Hon..." She coos as she drifts off into drunk-sleep.
  403. "...Night Babe."
AIE Safe Anon Celestia Comedy

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