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Flanking Maneuvers Episode 21: Take 2.

By Mandroid
Created: 19th December 2020 01:38:32 PM
AIE Safe Anon Celestia Comedy

  1. =Flanking Maneuvers Episode 21=
  3. "Is my tie on straight?"
  4. >You hear her groan ahead of you and look back.
  5. >"I told you on the train, your tie is fine! Stop messing with it!"
  6. >No. It had to be right.
  7. >You go against her wishes and fiddle with your tie some more, intent on getting it just a -bit- more straight.
  8. "Dash, cut me some slack here! It's a big day and I've got a big part to play! I have to look my best."
  9. >Rainbow Dash brings a hoof to her face and shakes her head. "Anon, you've been fretting about this for days! You know he didn't even -invite- us to the first one, right?"
  10. >You wince and think back.
  11. "It...wasn't really a planned event then."
  12. >Yeah, she'd buy that.
  13. >"Bull."
  14. >Ohfuckshesnotbuyingit.
  15. "Come on Dash! You know how little he plans stuff!"
  16. >"Can't hurt to start!" she says.
  17. >You cock an eyebrow and point around at the dozen ponies standing around outside of the ceremonial hall mingling. This event was one that practically the entire city was taking a day for.
  18. >That lucky placates Dash. "I don't even think the royal wedding had this much pomp thrown at it..." she says looking about.
  19. "Well...this is a bit bigger than the royal wedding, Dash."
  20. >Dash smirks. "Think we'll have another Changeling attack?"
  21. "Not if Mous's letters are true..."
  22. >Seriously? Shitting in them? He's nothing if not unique...
  23. >You look at your watch, a little past 10.
  24. "Come on, we both have stuff we have to take care of before this starts."
  25. >Dash adjusts her dress and tiara and follows you. "Yeah yeah..."
  26. >As the two of you enter into the hall, you pass a sign that lets everypony know what's going on here.
  27. >"Royal Wedding Vows Renewal Ceremony" it says.
  29. -Theme Song: (It's different this time!) -
  31. -Mous PoV-
  32. >You've been staring into the mirror for the past minute.
  33. "Is my tie on straight?"
  34. >Anon looks over from his corner of the room. "No less straight than mine."
  35. >You grimace. [spoiler][/spoiler] "Because -that's- so helpful! What kind of best man are you?"
  36. >Anon chuckles and walks over to you. "The kind of best man who's still annoyed that he only gets to see his bro get married the second time."
  37. "I thought I told you that I don't really plan things?"
  38. >"Yeah well it can't hurt to start."
  39. >Fucking tie.
  40. "Gah. You're, like, the worst best man ever."
  41. >"I blame you, you were a shit best man at my wedding."
  42. "Oh yeah, because I was only one of the primary reasons you two idiots got together in the first place."
  43. >"By kicking us out of the house for four days!"
  44. "Hey! I had to watch my two horny bosses those four days so don't give me any lip!"
  45. >Anon rolls his eyes and shakes his head.
  46. "How are those two, anyway?"
  47. >You get introspective at weddings.
  48. >"Good. Really good. The spa's doing well, something about a pickup in business after they told everyone that the new Prince used to work there."
  49. "Blasted Easterners using my good name to sell their wares."
  50. >"Aloe is still with Caramel and if memory serves Lotus met one of AJ's relatives at the last Apple Family Reunion."
  51. >You turn to him. [spoiler][/spoiler] "Wait, it's not the one with the hair, is it?"
  52. >Anon taps his chin. "Come to think of it, I -do- remember some nice looking hair..."
  53. >You throw your arms up.
  55. >Anon laughs at your misfortune. "Your Gaydar was always shit anyway."
  56. >You grumble and o back to your tie before Anon steps in.
  57. >"Oh let me."
  58. >As Anon fixes your piece of shit bow tie, you look yourself over in the mirror.
  59. "I look like a polished turd..."
  60. >"You always say that."
  61. "It's always true."
  62. >Anon laughs once. "...Nervous?"
  63. >No.
  64. "Kinda."
  65. >Anon finishes up and steps back. "Yeah, well, don't be. I'm sure Celestia feels the same way."
  66. "Suuuure she is, man. Sure she is."
  68. -Celestia PoV-
  69. >By the stars you're nervous.
  70. >This blasted dress had more fabric on it than all the drapes in the castle combined.
  71. "Luna, do I -really- have to wear this?"
  72. >Your sister spins around in a chair behind you. "Of course, sister! Don't you want to look good for your wedding?"
  73. >You magic a brush over to you and run it through your hair. That ought to help take your mind off how easy it would be to trip in this ridiculous dress.
  74. "It's a renewal of vows, Luna, I'm already married."
  75. >Luna scowls and trots over to you. "Call it what you may, but this is the ceremony in which your people FINALLY get to see you at the altar! Like it or not this is your wedding, Celestia!"
  76. >You groan.
  77. "I still don't see why I need all this...I got married the first time without a dress just fine."
  78. >Luna rolls her eyes. "Because father came to this wedding only after much persuading by mother, I can't imagine how he'd react if he saw you without a dress."
  79. "It'd at least be entertaining..."
  80. >"Tch. Now you sound like your husband."
  81. >You grin as you finish combing your mane. "Perhaps I shall endeavor to do that more, then!"
  82. >Luna titters. "I doubt the kingdom would survive two of him.
  83. "You have that right, sister..."
  84. >A silent moment passes between the two of you.
  85. >"Are you nervous?" Luna asks.
  86. >You sigh and flare a wing. "Only that this dress will catch on every possible snare on the way down the aisle."
  87. >Luna trots to the door giggling. "Have faith, sister. I'm going to go prepare to conduct the ceremony, but I'll see you soon!"
  88. >With that, Luna's out the door.
  89. >You look yourself over in the mirror and force a smile.
  90. >...You needed to get out.
  91. >You magic open the door to your room and call out.
  92. "Cadence, are you out there?"
  93. >"I am Aunt Celestia! Do you need something?" comes a response.
  94. "No! Just...letting you know that I'm going to go stretch my legs for a bit!"
  95. >That would calm you down.
  96. >You hope.
  98. -Mous PoV-
  99. >You decided to take a walk, clear your head.
  100. >Mostly to get away from Anon, though.
  101. >He could tie a tie, sure, but he fucking strangulated you with it. God forbid he tries to tighten your belt and snaps your spine.
  102. >You walk through the calls of the chapel with your hands in your pockets, thinking about the day.
  103. >The big...big day.
  104. >Uhg. It was all so much easier when you just eloped. You didn't have to impress anyone.
  105. >You come up on a divider erected to ensure that the bride and groom wouldn't see one another before the ceremony. From the other side of it, you can hear a distinctive *tink tink tink*.
  106. "I'd know those golden horseshoes anywhere."
  107. >They don't even jump in surprise. "Ah...hello dear." Celestia says from beyond the veil. "It would make sense that we'd run into each other here."
  108. "Yeah...just our luck, huh?"
  109. >"Mmm."
  110. >You place your hand on the divider and lean into it.
  111. "Anon practically choked me with my tie."
  112. >"Luna wants me to wear some ridiculous dress."
  113. "I can't WAIT to see the glare your dad will give me when I walk out there."
  114. >"And I can only imagine Twilight's reaction..."
  115. >The two of you sigh.
  116. "Makes one long for the days of Las Pegasus."
  117. >"If only just to get away from it."
  118. >You lean back against the divider and sit down.
  119. "Still, good to see we're keeping with tradition."
  120. >"Hmm?"
  121. "Our first time was over a bet and this time is to piss off your dad. It's good to see we still aren't doing things for the right reasons."
  122. >Celly chuckles and a long moment passes.
  123. "Still...this is what you want to do...right?"
  124. >You hear Celestia shuffle on her end. "Is it what you want to do...?"
  125. >You mull that question over and twiddle your fingers. A year or two ago you'd be avoiding this like the plague but here you are in a ceremony that was YOUR idea.
  126. "...Yeah, guess I do. How things change, eh?"
  127. >Celly chuckles. "They do indeed..."
  128. "Let's see if we can get through this without a song, okay?"
  129. >She chuckles again, a bit throatier this time. "You shouldn't have said that, dear."
  130. >Oh hell.
  132. >You heard the sound of Celly's magic followed by the soft sound of strings flowing in from the main ballroom.
  133. >"When you wed the Queen of Stars..."
  134. >Celly's voice seems to be the only thing in the room but it has no problem filling it.
  135. >"Makes no difference who you are!"
  136. >"Anything that I desire...
  137. >"Is what we'll do."
  138. >Oh hell naw.
  139. "That is unless they're not a twit..."
  140. "And if they don't put up with your shit!"
  141. "When I wed the Queen of Stars...
  142. "I made her stew."
  143. >You hear Celestia snicker on her end.
  144. >"Fate is strange..."
  145. "She brings to those like us."
  146. >"The thing we may not want but find we need..."
  147. >You find yourself laughing.
  148. "God, you're still tone deaf as all hell."
  149. >"And your voice still sounds like an animal going through a tractor~"
  150. "Where did you even HEAR this song?"
  151. >"It was in one of your movies you brought with you when you moved in."
  152. "You butcher it."
  153. >"WE butcher it."
  154. >You roll your eyes.
  155. "From a song played during sex..."
  156. >"In our souls we now infect!"
  157. >"When you wed the Queen of Stars..."
  158. "You find something new..."
  159. >You lean back against the divider and smile.
  160. >"You find something new."
  161. >The music fades and you hear Celestia sigh contentedly.
  162. "That was nice..."
  163. >"Yes...very..."
  164. >You rap a knuckle on the divider.
  165. "I'll see you out there, kay?"
  166. >"Promise me you won't be half way to Saddle Arabia by the time I get there?"
  167. >You laugh and stand, putting your hands in your pockets.
  168. "Come on, Celly. Where's the fun in that?"
  170. >You stand at the altar with your hands behind your back waiting.
  171. >Anon's behind you, Cadence and Twilight are on the opposing side as Mares of Honor.
  172. >King Cosmos is trying to bore a hole in your head from his seat in the pews.
  173. >Everything was going as planned.
  174. >You look over your shoulder.
  175. "Keeping an eye out for Cheeselegs?"
  176. >"I think we'd smell her before she showed after what you pulled." Anon says.
  177. >Oh yeah. The Poop-Bugs.
  178. "It's a gift."
  179. >Luna trots through the altar in a dress of her own, a bit less flashy than Celly's supposed dress and takes her place at the altar. "Are you ready, Mous?" she asks.
  180. "Ready as I'll ever be..."
  181. >Anon taps his chin. "This all seems incredibly familiar..."
  182. "It's probably just a stroke. Do you smell toast?"
  183. >"It would be impolite of me to flip you off at your wedding."
  184. >You stifle a laugh and look to the pianist.
  185. "Asshole better have gotten my revised music..."
  186. >Anon groans. "Don't tell me you did more Star Wars."
  187. "First off, fuck you Star Wars is awesome. Second off, no I did not."
  188. >"So what is it THIS time, Meastro?"
  189. >You rub the back of your head.
  190. "Well, you see when we first really met I play-"
  191. >The doors at the end of the chapel swing open.
  193. "Youllfindoutinasecond!"
  194. >You wave the pianist on.
  196. >Celestia slowly walks down the aisle, her dress billowing behind her. Holy shit, it was frilly as hell.
  197. >The sun seems to shine brighter through the windows at her entrance, something you're sure she had a hand in.
  198. >Everyone stays silent as their princess performs her wedding march, everyone save a sniffling Queen Galaxia. To your surprise, Cosmos even had a grin on his face.
  199. >Celestia is followed by those creepy blonde quadruplets you had seen around the castle here and there, each with Celestia's banner on their backs and throwing flower petals.
  200. >They all spoke at the same time and did the same things, it was fucking creepy.
  201. >Celestia takes her place on the altar next to you and mouths "Hey you." underneath the veil.
  202. >You mouth it back.
  203. >"Gathered friends..." Luan begins. "We are gathered here today to both renew and celebrate the wedding vows these two have shared. While their original wedding was one of...contention to some, we come together here today to do things properly!"
  204. >Yeah, screw you too, Luna.
  205. >"The couple has said that their vows were lost in the haste in which they were first read, so they have each made their own."
  206. >IE: You BS'ed your vows in LP and needed to make new ones from scratch.
  207. >Celly turns to you. "Mous...You've bothered and bugged me from the moment we met. Our first...intimate moments were the result of a gross invasion of privacy and it shocks me to no end that you continued to entertain my calls after that."
  208. >You roll your eyes.
  209. >"But...I'm very glad you did." Celestia says with a smile. "You've always been entertaining and I find myself not falling into...past vices when I'm with you. For making me a better mare, I vow to continue to be the wife you deserve from now till the end of my days."
  210. "So a shitty one?"
  211. >Celestia winks. "What you deserve, dear~"
  213. >You rub the back of your head.
  214. "Celly...You were the biggest slut I'd ever met when I first came here. I mean the first thing I ever saw you talking about was how you were gonna bone a guard later that night and ten minutes after that you said you wanted to shove a banana up my ass, something I'm glad I was able to pay you back for."
  215. >The crows shifts audibly, but fuck them you were a Prince now.
  216. "Those first "intimate moments" were the closest I'd ever come to sexual assault in all my time here and I mostly kept coming back for fear that I'd get shot to the moon if I didn't."
  217. >You shrug.
  218. "But...I can't say this has been all bad. You were cool enough before we got married and despite the often annoyances, you're cool enough after that as well. I vow the same, to be the husband you deserve till the end of my days, expect a turd in your closet tomorrow."
  219. >Anon snickers behind you.
  220. >Luna nods. "Be there any in attendance today who have any reason these two should NOT be re-wed?"
  221. >Literally everyone turns and looks at Sombra and Discord in the back row.
  222. >"...What!?" Discord shouts. "I did my time! Do what you want!"
  223. >Sombra raises a hoof. "I actually ha-"
  224. >Discord snaps a finger and zips Sombra's mouth shut before waving you both on.
  225. >"Good enough for me." Luna says. "May we have the rings?"'
  226. >Blueblood levitates the rings over to the two of you and bows.
  227. >You take one ring off and slide it down Celestia's horn, almost sure you here an "Unf" come from under the veil.
  228. >Before you put on your own ring, you pause and look to the crowd.
  229. "It's going on my FINGER this time." you say.
  230. >A few chuckles come from the crowd as you both turn back to Luna.
  231. >"By the power vested in my as a Princess of Equestria, I now re-pronounce you Man and Wife, you may kiss the bride!"
  232. >You flip Celly's veil up and puck up before reeling back.
  233. "Did you not brush your teeth todaMMMFF!"
  235. >You pull away from Celestia and catch her grinning.
  236. >Over the applause and cheers you say [spoiler][/spoiler] "Jesus! Less tongue, woman!"
  237. >Luna and Anon both pat you on the back and congratulate you.
  238. >"Sister! You simply must go out onto the stairs and greet the public!"
  239. >You groan.
  240. "Can't they just catch it on video?"
  241. >Celly sighs. "Come along dear, the masses are waiting!"
  242. >You grumble and follow along out of the chapel.
  243. "Not like we're any more married than we were yesterday..."
  244. >You didn't even get a stag.
  245. >The guards open the doors to an absolute FLOOD of noise.
  246. >For as far as you could see down the street, ponies were lined up. Snapping pictures, waving, holding up babies.
  247. "Is it always like this?"
  248. >"Whenever there's a big wedding, yes."
  249. "We should outlaw those.
  250. >"You just hate it when people have fun, don't you?"
  251. "They're not having fun correctly, it's false-fun."
  252. >The two of you stand there smiling and waving to the crowd, just like you practiced.
  253. "I feel like a sigh for a hotel..."
  254. >Over the din of the crowd a chant rises up. "KISS! KISS! KISS! KISS!" they cry.
  255. >You slide closer to Celly.
  256. "They apparently want us to kiss."
  257. >"Oh, is my breath somehow better~?"
  258. >You cup her chin.
  259. "Maybe the smell of old cum has grown on me?"
  260. >Celly chuckles and nuzzles your face with hers. "I love you, Mous..."
  261. >You laugh once.
  262. "Don't spoil the mood, Celly."
  263. >The crowd erupts into newfound cheer as you pull your lips together.
  266. -End.

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