Diggy Hole 6


                                            Be a silly horse wearin' a cowpone hat (aka Applejack)

                                            >Yer in your barn, happy as ah apple in a tree

                                            >Though it had taken a few days to set everythin' up, an' ya had had to bride Spike so ya could use his fancy-shmancy dragon fire it was all worth it if the barn full of of yer kin folk meant somein'

                                            >And ta put a cherry on top it looked like yer letters had gotten to everypony!

                                            >The head apple of the Ginger Gold clan that lived up near manehatten was here, along with the Jonagold, the Wealthy, the Fuji, the Gala, and even the Honeycrisp clan leaders ta name a few

                                            >A bunch of old and ornery varmints (especially since you called them out of the blue like this) sure, but they were your kin

                                            >Ponies that ya had known all of yer life

                                            >Apples ta the core each an' every one of 'em

                                            >Ya knew that they'd be more 'an happy to help ya with yer little human problem the second that ya explained yerself

                                            >Clearin' yer throat ta get the chattering bunch's attention ya grab yerself a soap box and hop on up that sucker

                                            >Alright Aj

                                            >Time ta get ta talkin' fancy!

                                            "Now, I'm sure yer all wonderin' why the hay I called ya'll out ya the farm in such short notice like this."

                                            >Yer Aunt Seedling snorts as she gnaws on her corn cob pip

                                            >"And how cuz'," she said with that thick Fillyadelphia accent of 'ers. "But I ain't wondering about that was much as I'm wondering about why ya asked us ta come out here and not yer granny, Applejack."

                                            >More 'an a few ponies in the crowd muttered 'round the same

                                            >"What, is the old bag finally losin' it and ya wanted the lot of us ta help ya brag 'er to the loony bin?" somepony in the crowd hollers

                                            >This gets a right load of chuckles from both ya and the crowd

                                            >Hehe

                                            >Yer kin say somethin' like that every time they come down 'ere an' it's funny every time they say it...

                                            >Still laughing to yerself, ya shake yer head

                                            "Nah cuz, it weren't nothin' like that."

                                            > Ya look away from the crowd and bit yer lip

                                            >Fiddlesticks!

                                            >Yer getting stage fright!

                                            >Or some such silly think...

                                            >All ya know is that yer as nervous as an apple durin' pie bakin' season...

                                            >What ya hadn't told anypony was that ya haven't even told granny about all of the nonsense that was going on

                                            >'Cause ya knew the second she heard what the hay had happened to ya'll she'd laugh so hard she'd break her hip

                                            >Yer already felt sore about getting yer fanny kicked by a colt

                                            >There was no need ta get yer nose rubbed in it

                                            >...

                                            >...

                                            >...

                                            >But 'ere ya were, askin' yer kin ta help ya tame the unruly stallion

                                            >Such might be worse dependin' on how they take ya askin' em'

                                            >...

                                            >...

                                            >...

                                            >AW sweet Celestia

                                            >This was gonna be plum embarrassin' ta ask of 'em wasn't it?

                                            >Yer weren't blushing were ya?

                                            >Darnit!

                                            >Ya WERE!

                                            >Welp, an Apple's gotta do what an Apple's gotten do

                                            "Well... ya'll remember that big diamond dog lookin' fella that I showed ya'll at the family reunion last year? Fella that went by the name Anon?"

                                            >"...Yeah mean that orney feller that tossed Poppy Seed inta the tub that we was puttin' the apple cider?"

                                            >Ya can't help but flinch when that particular memory flashed through yer mind

                                            >...Poor Poppy Seed never could get the cider smell off 'er after that...

                                            "Yep, that's the one," ya say with a shake of yer head

                                            >Yer kin all look at each other all confused like

                                            >"What about him, hon?"

                                            >Ya gulp, yer cheeks burnin' as ya take yer hat off

                                            >Stars above did ya hate ta have ta ask anypony ta help ya with somein' as silly as this but ya didn't have no choice...

                                            "Well, ya see..."

                                            >Ya then spent the next ten minutes tellin' yer story

                                            >'Bout how ya had seen the big colt tryin' ta dig out that big ol' hole all by himself

                                            >How ya, bein' the gentlemare that ya were, had offered ta help him out with his hole free of charge

                                            >And how Anon had told ya ta buck off and beat the stuffin' out of a bunch of ya here and Ponyville when ya took exception ta that

                                            >Ya didn't like tellin' yer failin's one bit but ya didn't know anypony else ta turn ta

                                            >Almost the whole town had come out ta help Anon and he had sent ya'll packing with that crazy human strength of his so ya couldn't go back ta them

                                            >Twi had brought the princesses themselves down here and from what ya heard they were havin' one heck of a time with the stubborn stallion an' it looked like they weren't gonna be much of a help either!

                                            >An' ta top it all off Anon was still out there all day doing mare's work

                                            >The poor thing was gonna hurt himself any day now and ya didn't have the apples ta get him to stop!

                                            >So ya HAD ta turn ta yer kinsfolk

                                            >Ya didn't have anypony else ta turn ta really

                                            >But ya bet yer hat and yer silly pony ways that ya should have asked these fellers first

                                            >Ain't no pony as stubborn and sly and as hard workin' as an Apple

                                            >If all of ya had ta move a mountain with nothin' but your hooves and a bit of rope you'd find a way ta make it work

                                            >'Cause ya'll were Apples!

                                            >Farmers and cowponies and bakers and Railroad workers and a whole load of other stuff!

                                            >Ya were sure the lot of ya would figure out something quicker an' a fruit bat could pick an apple tree clean!

                                            >While yer kin folk were usually a chatty bunch of ponies not a single one of 'em said as word as ya went over yer little tale

                                            >Ya got a few gasp, and more 'an a few chuckles, but by the end of it most of the mares in your ol' barn looked plum upset

                                            >"Yer sayin' that is colt won't let you help even after ya insisted on helpin'?" yer third aunt twice removed aunt Flaxseed asked

                                            >Ya nod

                                            >"An' he beat the tar outta a bunch of ponies when ya all jumped him?" one of yer cousins asked, sittin' down and shakin' her head in disbelief.

                                            "What the sam 'ells wrong with 'em?"

                                            >One of yer great aunt's snorts, crossing 'er hooves

                                            >"It sounds like a colt that needs a mare ta slap a bit o' sense inta him..."

                                            >Ya couldn't help but snort

                                            "We TRIED that but ya heard how that worked out," ya say. "An' I ain't feelin' up fer another whoopin' myself!"

                                            >Leanin' as far out as ya could on yer little platform ya look around at every mare in the crowd

                                            "Ya'll can go ta his house an' try it, but I wouldn't recommend it!"

                                            >With that yer kin chatter amongst themselves fer a bit

                                            >"What are we gonna do?"

                                            >"How 'bout we go an' bake 'em a couple pies?"

                                            >"We could get some o' the younger fillies ta try ta get the colt swoonin'. Maybe that'd work?"

                                            >"Or we could--"

                                            >"Or ya could what?"

                                            >Everypony gets all quiet-like as yer barn doors are thrown open

                                            >...Oh crud

                                            >Is that granny?

                                            >...

                                            >Yep it buckin' is!

                                            >Shoot!

                                            >An' she don't look none too happy either!

                                            >"All of these kinsfolk in the barn hootin' and hollerin' and not a single one of 'em thinks ta come an' get your ol' granny," Granny says with a shake of 'er head, the crowd partin' as she slowly made her way toward ya, the thumpin' of 'er cane echoin' off the barn walls with each step

                                            >Ya awkwardly shift yer weight around on that ol' soap box, biting yer lip

                                            >Oh

                                            >Ya done bucked up now!

                                            >Granny was gonna give ya a whoopin'!

                                            >Ya could see it in 'er eyes!!!

                                            >Ya can't help but gulp as Granny gets a big closer, yer eyes settlin' on the open barn doors

                                            >Ya had ta get out of 'ere!

                                            >"Applejack! Don't you move a muscle ya varment!"

                                            >Granny's voice is as sharp an' cuttin' as a switch, and sweet apples above do you listen ta yer granny

                                            >Tryin' not ta look like some sissy ya sit right down on the soap box an take off yer hat

                                            "...Y-Yes Gra--OW!"

                                            >Movin' faster 'an ya've seen 'er move in years, yer granny races forward, cocks back 'er cane and smacks ya right on the noggin' with it

                                            >And sweet Celestia above and Tirek below did it smart somethin' fierce

                                            >With a yelp ya lose yer balance and tumble off the soapbox, hittin' the ground with a thud

                                            "Aw... Granny why--"

                                            >"Don't ya Granny me, Missy!" yer Gran' snaps, wavin' 'er cane around yer face. "Ya call a clan meetin' about that there monkey lookin' fella--"

                                            "His names Anon Gra--Ow!"

                                            >"Don't ya interrupt yer Granny filly! Yeah go ahead an' get everypony 'ere an' ya don't go an' tell yer granny!"

                                            >Ya scooch away from yer Granny an' 'er cane

                                            >Oh my apples Granny looked like she was about ta go an' bite ya!

                                            >"If'n ya would have asked me ya might not even have had ta call all of our kin fer--"

                                            >Granny's about ta take another swing at ya but yer great aunt Mabel stops 'er

                                            >"Granny ya better lay off the youngin'," she said with a shake of yer head

                                            >Great aunt Mabel lifted up 'er cane an' conked yer ol' granny on the noggin'

                                            >"OW! Ya low down, buck-toothed varment!" Granny cried, stumblin' a couple feet before straighten' herself and rubbin' yer head

                                            >Mabel looked like she wanted ta hit granny again, takin' a step toward 'er with cane raised high

                                            >"Look at ya acting all high an' mighty just because Applejack 'ere didn't tell ya we were all a'comin'!"

                                            >The older mare sneered

                                            >"I remember when ya was just as young as she 'er callin' the family 'ver every little thing ya old crow!"

                                            >Huffing, Granny walked over and pulled ya ta yer hooves, givin' yer shoulder a pat 'fore reachin' down, grabbin' yer hat, an' tossing it onto yer head

                                            >"I know! I was just givin' 'er the whoopin' my granny gave me whenever I did somethin' like this!"

                                            >Yer granny give ya a wink, all anger vanishin' off yer face

                                            >"I ain't mad at ya, youngin', I was just carryin' on a tradition that ya'll be doing when yer older."

                                            >Giving ya another pat on the shoulder, Granny turned toward the crowd

                                            >"An' I don't think this here's a little thing if'n what Applejack say is true, Mabel, ya mangy fossil."

                                            >Yer Gran starts hobblin' from left ta right, a right thoughtful look on 'er face

                                            >"That Anon feller IS an odd 'un. An' a mighty big colt to boot. If anypony could toss 'round a bunch of mares like they was fillies it'd be him."

                                            >Granny tapped 'er cane against the ground, hummin' thoughtfully

                                            >"If'n we're gonna go an' dig that critter's hole we're gonna need some right sound advice..."

                                            >The crowd looked at each other, everypony lookin' mighty confused

                                            >"Isn't that why Applejack called us here?" somepony yelled. "So we coul--"

                                            >"Will ya shut yer trap an' let me talk!" Granny snapped, her dentures nearly flyin' out of her mouth. "Darn kids these days... won't let an old mare collect 'er thoughts before tryin' ta butt in..."

                                            >Closing 'er eyes, Granny loudly cleared 'er throat

                                            >"So, as I was tryin' ta say... this here situations gotten out of hoof if'n the princesses are down 'ere tryin' ta solve the issue. An seein' how even THEY'RE havin' a bit of trouble with 'em we might have to ask..."

                                            >Granny looked both ways, her ears foldin' back against 'er head as she leaned forward

                                            >"...The Great Apple..."

                                            >Ya could have heard a pin drop in that big ol' barn, every single one of yer kinsfolk lookin' at Granny like she just grew a new head and started breakin' out inta a jig

                                            >An' ya were lookin' at yer Granny the same way

                                            >The Great Apple?

                                            >THE GREAT APPLE?!

                                            >Why the hay did Granny what ta bother the Great Apple for somethin' like this?!

                                            >The crowd seems ta share yer thoughts, lookin' mighty uncomfortable at the prospect

                                            >Your cousin Caramel Apple stepped outta the crowd

                                            >"Are ya sure that that's a good idea, Granny? The Great Apple don't take kindly to ponies wasting it's time...

                                            >The crowd murmured in agreement

                                            >"Yeah, we could go an--"

                                            >With a snort Granny slammed 'er cane inta the ground so hard that ya could have swore ya heard the wood splinter

                                            >"Now ya'll listen here! If'n I say that we should go an' talk ta the Great Apple about this 'an we should go an' talk ta the Great Apple!"

                                            >Grumblin' ta 'erself, granny pushed and shoved her way toward the door

                                            >"The Great Apple's always helped the Apple family whenever we needed it, an' we've always gone out of our way ta show it we appreciate what the hay it does! I'm sure it won't hurt none if'n we go ta the Lake of Knowledge an' ask it fer a bit o' advice!"

                                            >Granny snorted again, smackin' one of your aunts in the face with 'er tail before walkin' out the door

                                            >"Sweet apples above! I bet the darned thing would like the company!"

                                            >With that Granny leaves the barn, leavin' ya'll mighty unsettled with how the night turned out

                                            >...Fiddlesticks...

                                            >Ya were gonna have ta follow 'er weren't ya?

                                            >Dangit...

                                            "...Well ya'll, we best be following 'er," ya say, swallowin' the lump in yer throat

                                            >Though a good many of yer kin look mighty nervous they go ahead and follow ya out of that there barn an' inta the open night sky

                                            >A lotta ponies don't know this, but yer farm's a might bigger 'an what it looked

                                            >In fact over half of yer property goes out inta the Everfree a ways, which was here ya'll would be findin' yerself tonight

                                            >An' where the Apple clan's biggest secret was tucked away all nice an' quiet like, and it'd stay that way as long as there was an' Apple in Equestria

                                            >Not a pep was heard outta any of ya was ya led yer little group through the animal trails an' the far off, outta the way paths in that dark forest

                                            >Ya could hear a plum big critter growlin' or grumblin' every once in a while but ya knew, along with the rest of yer kin, that there weren't no critter in this forest that'd bother you

                                            >Not when ya were going ta see the Great Apple....

                                            >Ya walk long inta the night, makin' yer way through that jungle by the marks that yer long dead kin had left an' by memory

                                            >Though ya hadn't seen the Great Apple since ya were a youngin' ya remember everythin' that happened at that lake like it was yesterday

                                            >Boy howdy did ya remember it!

                                            >Ya still have dreams of it...

                                            >"Are we almost there cuz? My hooves are gettin' tired!" somepony in the crowd whisper-shouted at ya

                                            >Ya snorted

                                            "Will ya quiet yer whinin'? I thought I had a bunch o' mares walkin' behind me, not a bunch of prissy colts," ya chide with a shake of yer head. "Granny Smith's a hundred an' ten years old an' she's makin' the same trip as ya are an' I don't hear 'er belly aching ahead of us!"

                                            >Well...

                                            >Hopefully yer Gran' WAS ahead of ya'll and not sleepin' somewhere in this forest...

                                            >Wantin' ta check up on Granny ya quicken yer pace, ignoring all of yer stallion-y kinfolks complaints

                                            >Ho boy, Granny better not still be at the farm or somethin' dumb like--

                                            >"Applejack? Is that ya'll?" a voice called out through the forest

                                            "Granny? Is that ya?"

                                            >"Of course it's me ya idgit! Now get yer fannies over here! The shows about ta start!"

                                            >Not lookin' back at yer kin ya race through the trees, hoppin' over brush an' thicket an' critter holes until ya break the tree line

                                            >An' there ya are, lookin' at a little regular lookin' lake with a small wooden pier

                                            >Yer Granny's sittin' on the pier with a small frown, lookin' at ya'll

                                            >...Huh

                                            >It looks just like ya remember...

                                            >A lil' lake so small an' normal that ya and yer friends could be swimmin' in it an' not a single one of ya would have thought of it...

                                            >Except fer what's in that lil' ol' lake...

                                            >Without sayin' a word ya take yer hat off an' put it on a tree branch

                                            >All around ya, yer kin are takin' off their boots an' hats an' coats an' doin' the same

                                            >Every single one of ya knew ya were on holy ground

                                            >Ya had ta show it proper respect

                                            >The lake seemed ta glow in the moonlight as ya make yer way over ta yer granny, the water unmoving an' as clear as glass

                                            >Waitin' until everypony got ta the pier, Granny cleared 'er throat an' raised her hooves up inta the air

                                            >"Oh Great Apple! We of the Apple clan is a'needin' yer help! Come ta us on this here night from the otherness so that ya may help us in our time of need!"

                                            >Now most of yer kin bowed their heads, but ya kept an' eye on that there lake

                                            >Even though yer momma had told ya when ya were a youngster ta NEVER look at the lake when ya were tryin' ta summon the Guardian of the Apple family ya just couldn't help yerself

                                            >Ya had to watch, ta see where it came from

                                            >Nothin' seemed ta happen fer about a minute before a hummin' sound started to come from the lake

                                            >It almost sounded like a thousand crickets started singin' at once

                                            >It started off real quiet, but as the seconds passed it got louder an' louder an' louder until ya could feel it shakin' ya to yer very core

                                            >This was 'bout the time that the lake seemed ta get brighter and brighter and brighter

                                            >Brighter an' the moon itself

                                            >Until, out in the center of that there little lake, ya could see somethin' started ta break the surface of the water

                                            I KNOW THEE, JACK OF THE APPLES!

                                            >Ya gasp, and try to take a step back from the water's edge, but ya can't move yer hooves an inch

                                            >It almost felt like the suckers were glued ta the ground

                                            I KNOW WHY THOU HAST COME HERE TO THIS MOST HOLY OF HOLY PLACES.

                                            >The water stayed clear and still as a big brown stem rose up from the water

                                            I KNOW OF THE FOE THAT THOU HAST COME UP AGAINST.

                                            >From each end of the lake ya could see the tips of feathers that were as white as untouched snow rise up with the stem

                                            AND I KNOW THEE, JACK OF THE APPLES! I KNOW THY FEARS, THY HOPES, THY TERRORS, I KNOW THAT THOU ART A PROUD DAUGHTER OF THE APPLE CLAN! A CLAN THAT HAS FLOURISHED UNDER MY STEM FOR THE LAST THOUSAND YEARS!

                                            >After the stem and wings rose the body of the god before you started poking above the water

                                            >Perfectly round it was; bigger 'an the biggest bolder an' it's skin as red as blood with a sheen that shimmered even in the moonlight

                                            >An apple, far more perfect than any you've bucked from a tree before, with a great big pair o' wings to spread out wide on it's "back", rose fully out of that there lake, floating toward ya'll

                                            >A tear falled from your eye as ya watched the beautiful, majestic thing before ya

                                            >[Spoiler] oh m-muh a-appulz[/spoiler]

                                            APPLES OF THE APPLE CLAN HEAR ME!

                                            >Even ya couldn't help but bow nice an' low when the Great Apple was just a few feet from ya

                                            >Ya weren't a worth enjoy pony ta look at it

                                            >Not yet anyway...

                                            >"We hear ya, Great Apple!" Granny Smith cried, wavin' her hooves 'round like some sort of loony mare. "Please! Tell us what ta do about this here colt; this Anonymous feller!"

                                            >The Great Apple hovered gently in the air quietly, almost as if it was lost in thought

                                            THIS... HUMAN DOUBTS THE MIGHT OF THE APPLES! HE REFUSED JACK OF THE APPLES HELP AND HE REFUSED THE HELP OF ALL THAT OFFERED IT!

                                            >The lake seemed ta shine just a little bit brighter for a second

                                            IT IS A SLIGHT ON THE APPLE CLAN AND IT IS A SLIGHT ON ALL THOSE WHO CALL THEMSELVES MARES! AND YOU WILL NOT LET SUCH A SLIGHT GO UNPUNISHED!

                                            >The buzzing suddenly stopped, only ta be replaced by an earth shatterin ' boom a second later

                                            >Ya and the rest of her kin scrambled backwards --yer heads still lowered in reverence-- away from the mighty being before ya

                                            >"What is yer command, Great Apple?" Yer Granny cried ta the heavens

                                            >The Great Apples seemed ta shimmer

                                            HARDEN THY HEARTS! READY THY ARMS AND ARMORS! CALL THY ALLIES!

                                            >The Great Apple roared

                                            GATHER THE GRAPES, GATHER THE ORANGES, GATHER ALL OF THE CLANS FROM ALL OVER THE LAND AND READY THYSELVES! IF THIS... ANONYMOUS WISHES TO BE AS HARD AND UNYIELDING AS A ROCK THOU SHALL HAVE TO BECOME A MIGHTY OCEAN!

                                            >Somehow gatherin' up yer courage, ya look up at the Great Apple

                                            >An' all around ya ya can see yer kin doin' the same

                                            >In their eyes ya could see a fire and determination that made ya squirm somethin' fierce

                                            GO FORTH MY APPLES! BECOME A MIGHTY OCEAN OF MARES! LET WAVE UPON WAVE OF OF THY NUMBERS CRASH AGAINST THIS STALLION UNTIL HE IS NOTHING MORE THAN A PEDDLE, SMALL AND HUMBLE!

                                            >With a marely snort, ya stand straight up, yer kin standing up with ya, yer heads held high and yer chests puffed out

                                            DIG THAT HOLE FOR HIM! SMOTHER HIM! CRUSH HIM! SHOW HIM WHAT IT MEANS TO STAND BEFORE THE MIGHT OF THE APPLE FAMILY!

                                            >"Apples!" somepony in the crowd roars. "APPLES!....APPLES!...APPLES!..."

                                            >It doesn't take too long until the rest of ya are chanttin' away with 'er, every single one of ya liftin' yer heads high and screamin' at the moon

                                            "APPULZ! APPULZ! APPULZ!"

                                            >Yer finally had yer orders

                                            >Ya know what ya had ta go ta put Anon in his place

                                            >So ya were gonna do it

                                            >'Cause an Apple never forgets, nor does she let things lie

                                            >Ya better be ready 'Nonny boy

                                            >'Cause the Apples are comin' fer ya

                                            >An' this time we ain't takin' no fer an answer!


                                            BE DARKLE FARKLE

                                            >You've been awake since approximately four fifteen in the morning

                                            >About an hour and a half ago you had heard (and felt) your teacher get up off the bed, raise her sun, and hop back into bed to hold both you and Anonymous

                                            >So, running the numbers and eyeing how high the sun was in the sky, you had figured out that it was about seven thirty

                                            >Give or take a few minutes

                                            >So, all in all, you've been awake for about three hours and some change, just laying there listening to Anon's breath and heart beat while he cuddled you

                                            >One hundred and eight minutes

                                            >Ten thousand eight hundred seconds

                                            >In that time you've heard that heart of his beat over one thousand two hundred and thirty five times

                                            >You also couldn't help but note that Anonymous had inhaled and exhaled over two thousand five hundred and forty three times

                                            >You've noted, and counted, these arbitrary numbers for one very important reason:

                                            >If you just laid there keeping your mind busy you'd be in that bed with Anon for long enough to think up of something that would awe and wow him when he finally woke up

                                            >It could be some witty joke about him taking a bath with your teacher and something about saving water

                                            >Or maybe you could look around Anon's room and use the environment around you to say something charming or witty or smart sounding

                                            >And, after some more math and a quick mental fine combing of your mind on how many knock-knock joke and/or humor books that you've read, coupled with all of the philosopher's that you've studied, in the time that you've had you should have already come up with something that was ninety seven point two-three-eight percent guaranteed to knock Anon's socks off

                                            >Note the word "SHOULD"

                                            >It was kind of hard (more like really, really, really, REALLY, REEEEAAALLLLYYY hard) to do any proper thinking when you had a handsome stallion with his arms wrapped around you and with your muzzled buried in the nape of his neck

                                            >The way that his pajamas felt against your fur, the way his muscles twitched and flexed as he held you, his breathing, his heartbeat, how warm he was...

                                            >Sweet stars above HIS SMELL!

                                            >Unf!

                                            >No sciencing could be done with all of those distractions!

                                            >And you LOVED sciencing!

                                            >And were able to do it pretty much on command no matter the situation!

                                            >But you couldn't do anything more than simple mathematics at the bucking moment!

                                            >SIMPLE MATH!

                                            >Heck, you couldn't even go back to sleep because your heart was pounding in your chest!

                                            >You've just been laying there with your eyes closed pretending that you were asleep

                                            >Like some sort of creepy pony!

                                            >The situation wasn't helped by your teacher either

                                            >The way that she made those happy little sounds of hers as she wrapped her hooves around Anon and nuzzled the top of his head and laid a wing over the two of you

                                            >...And the way that she got to be the bucking big saddle...

                                            >Why couldn't you have been the big saddle?!

                                            >So what if she was bigger than you? You would have figured something out!

                                            >You were soft!

                                            >You were cuddly!

                                            >You had a LOT of fur on your chest

                                            >AND your horn was two point four three-one-five inches bigger than the national average!

                                            >Sure, it wasn't the BUCKING MONSTER that you teacher had but it was still pretty good

                                            >And it wasn't how nice the carriage was it was how well you drove it!

                                            >And another thin--

                                            >You stiffen up a bit as Anon gives your cheek a sleepy nuzzle, his lips brushing along your face before stopping at the tip of your nose

                                            >...

                                            >...

                                            >...

                                            >You know what?

                                            >The Princess can be the big saddle

                                            >Being the big saddle was overrated anyway

                                            >With a happy sigh you nuzzle Anon's cheek back, your grip on the human tightening ever so slightly

                                            >In response Anon gave you a little squeeze back before going back to his quiet breathing

                                            >Being the small saddle was where it was at!

                                            >A smile works its way onto your face as you wiggled again Anonymous, ready to--

                                            >"MORNING SLEEPY HEADS!"

                                            "Eep!"


                                            CRASH!

                                            >With a not so marely yelp you find yourself launched off the warm, soft bed and out of Anon's WONDERFUL embrace

                                            >Vertigo hits you like an apple to the face, making your stomach do a flip or two, before you landed onto the cold, hard, unforgiving ground

                                            >Rather painfully

                                            "Who?! What?! Why?!"

                                            >Ignoring (or at least mostly ignoring) your hurting... well everything, you scramble to your hooves, open your eyes, and see...

                                            "PINKIE PIE?!"

                                            >Your pink friend, who was standing on top of Anon's bed with a big paper bag and a couple cups of coffee on her back, smiled at you with a little hop

                                            >"Hiya Twilight! Lovely weather outside isn't it?"

                                            >Blinking you look out of Anon's window

                                            "Well... I haven't been outside yet so I honestly couldn't tell you but--WAIT!"

                                            >With a stomp of the hoof you take a step toward Pinkie mother bucking Pie

                                            >Aka the mare that just ruined your human cuddle session

                                            "What in the name of Celestia are you doing in Anon's bedroom Pinkie?!"

                                            >Your teacher, who had opened an eye to look at the pink party pony, snorted

                                            >"It's a bit too early for anypony to do ANYTHING in my name, Twilight," she said with a yawn. "Especially after the day that we all had yesterday..."

                                            >Anon, who also had one of his bloodshot eyes opened, looked up at Pinkie in irritation

                                            >"Pank... what the hell did I tell you about breaking into my house?"

                                            >"Only do it when you weren't in the bathroom or drinking!" Pinkie automatically said with a happy bounce, hopping off Anon's bed and putting the paper bag and drinks on his counter

                                            >With a groan, Anon turned away from Pinkie and wrapped his arms around your teacher, burying his face into her chest tuft

                                            >Chest tuft that was BARELY bigger than yours by the way

                                            >...You teacher probably didn't even have it fluffed out all the way to make it as soft as possible...

                                            >"Pont, get the hell out of my house please," the human begged, his voice muffled. "Give me another hour of sleep before you make me have to deal with your shit."

                                            "Anon! Aren't you worried about HOW Pinkie got into your house?" you say, concerned. "Somepony else could--"

                                            >"PINKIE probably doesn't even know how she got in my fucking house, Purple drank" Anon growled as your teacher, closing her eyes, wrapped her hooves around him and nuzzled the top of his head while laying a wing overtop of him

                                            >...Don't get mad

                                            >Don't get mad

                                            >DON'T GET MAD!

                                            >DON'TGETMAD!!!

                                            >...Faust DAMNIT Pinkie!

                                            >That was supposed to be YOU in Anon's arms!

                                            >Pinkie giggled, walking over to Anon's side of the bed and poking his back with her muzzle

                                            >"But 'Nonny Bofonny! If you don't eat the most important meal of the day how are you going to have enough energy to play with all of the ponies that are standing out in your front yard

                                            >One moment Anon's in your teacher's hooves and you're as jelly as all Tartarus

                                            >Then you blinked

                                            >There was a swoosh and a burst of air hit you in the face as Anon somehow got up of your teachers hooves, hopped up out of his bed, and raced past you, looking out of his window

                                            "What the fuck..." Anon growled, leaning on the window's frame to get a better look outside

                                            >You see him visibly stiffen after a moment before he gritted his teeth so hard that you swore you could hear his teeth cracking

                                            >"Is that fucking APPLEJACK out there?..."

                                            >Pinkie hopped past you and to Anon's side

                                            >"Yep! I wanted to see if my favorite green guy was sleeping in his hole again, and I brought you some food again so that you'd keep up your strength, when I saw a WHOOOOOOOOOOOOOLe bunch of ponies outside!"

                                            >Pinkie hopped again, craning her neck up to look out of the window

                                            >"I don't think I've seen that many ponies since--"

                                            >Both you and your teacher watch as Anon slowly got angrier and angrier as Pinkie talked her nonsense

                                            >...And angrier

                                            >And angrier

                                            >And...

                                            >Sweet stars, is there a weird red mist coming off of him?!

                                            >"...Pinkie?" Anon interrupts quietly, his voice surprisingly calm.

                                            >Too calm actually

                                            >"Could you do me a favor?"

                                            >Blinking in surprise, Pinkie looked up at the human

                                            >"What can your Aunt Pinkie do for you, 'Nonnynator?"

                                            >"Could you be a dear and take all of that stuff off my nightstand please?"

                                            >Both you and your teacher look at each other, worry as plain as day on both of your faces

                                            >You didn't know WHAT exactly was wrong BUT...

                                            >Something felt... OFF

                                            >No, not off. That wasn't the right word

                                            >...

                                            >...

                                            >...

                                            >Bad

                                            >Something felt BAD

                                            >You could feel it in the air, darn near smell it too

                                            "...Anon? Are you alright there?" you asked as Anon, with no emotion in his face, walked over to his nightstand

                                            >"Nope," he said simply, patiently waiting for Pinkie to take everything off the table before picking it up

                                            >"Was that all you needed 'Nonny?" Pinkie sweetly asked as Anon hefted his nightstand, moving it back it forth in a...

                                            >Wait a second!

                                            >What was he?...

                                            "Anon, what are you going to do with that nightstand?" you asked nervously

                                            >"..."

                                            "Anon, I know you might be upset that Applejack brought a bunch of ponies to your house to do something that you might not entirely agree with but why don't we just take a second to think about this!"

                                            >Almost as he if hadn't heard you, Anon slowly walked past you and toward the window

                                            >Behind you, your teacher cleared her throat

                                            >"Anonymous, why don't you be a dear and come back to bed? Twilight can go outside and resolve any silly little thing that's going on outside while the two of us get some well deserved shut eye. Then after the two of us wake up we can all go out and get breakfast"

                                            >With a smile your teacher patted the side of the bed with a wing

                                            >"There's no need to get huffy about that silly hol--"

                                            >"You wouldn't happen to know just how many ponies are outside, do you Pint?" Anon asked, turning toward Pinkie

                                            >Pinkie stopped hopping around for a second, humming thoughtfully before giving her head a hard shake

                                            >"Nope! But there were a TON! So many that even I'll have some trouble setting up a welcome to Ponyville party for ALLLL of them!"

                                            >"And are you sure that they're out there to fuck around with my yard?"

                                            >Pinkie nodded

                                            >"I saw a bunch of them carrying shovels 'Nonny! So it's either there's some shovel party happening that I don't know about or they're here for you ya silly goose."

                                            >The room was silent for a few moments

                                            >"And there's no shovel party happening around here; I checked."

                                            >Anon nodded again, his eyes narrowing as he looked back through the window

                                            >"Hey Pinkie?"

                                            >"Yeah Fo'fonny?"

                                            >For the first time that morning, Anon smiled

                                            >And it was a nice, bright smile; the kind of smile you wanted to see on this human every morning when the two of you woke up in bed together

                                            >"Thanks for bringing me breakfast the last couple of days, I really appreciate it."

                                            >Grinning, Pinkie nudged him with her hoof

                                            >"Aw, don't mention it my main monkey man! It's the least I could do!"

                                            >"I still appreciate it. You're a good friend, Pintino. Don't let anyone ever tell you any different."

                                            >With a frown Anon looked back out of his window

                                            >"Now if you'll excuse me I have some fucking horses to throw off my property."

                                            "Anon--"

                                            >Before you, Pinkie, or the Princess could do anything, Anon took two big steps forward and, with a roar that would be more at home coming from a Hydra's mouth, threw his nightstand as hard as he could right at his window


                                            CRASH!


                                            >All of you but Anon flinch as the nightstand goes through the window as if it were paper, glass and bits of wood flying everywhere as you hop back in shock

                                            "Anon what are you--"

                                            >"I'z a reel niggna mang!" Anon cried, hoping through his now destroyed window. "Reel nigga OG straight out of that hood!"

                                            BE ANON

                                            >It was finally happening

                                            >The day that you known, in the back of your mind, since you started on this fucked up little adventure of yours, would eventually come to pass

                                            >The pones communicated with each other

                                            >They became more intelligent

                                            >And they had General Silly Pony at the helm spearheading the charge

                                            >...Sweet mother of gawd...

                                            >Appul horse HAD said that she wasn't done with you when you shooed her away the first time

                                            >And the time after that

                                            >If only you had known just how not done she was with you

                                            >Then maybe you could have done something about this before it happened...

                                            >Welp

                                            >It didn't matter now

                                            >What happened happened

                                            >The ship had sailed and the sun had set

                                            >It was obvious that these little horses weren't going to leave you and your hole alone no matter how many times to tell them to fuck off the end of your dick

                                            >So now was the time to take the kid gloves off

                                            >No more mister nice Anon!

                                            >Time to show these fucking ponies that you meant motherfucking business!

                                            >With a grunt and a roll you land out in your front yard (Only stepping in a bit of broken glass and fucking up your ankle just a teeny tiny bit) looking around with a snarl

                                            >All around you were pones

                                            >There were pones by the hundred out in front of your yard and in the streets, filling every inch of space with widdle furry bodies

                                            >There were pones flying in the sky, so many in fact that you damn near couldn't see the sky

                                            >Hell, there were fucking pones standing on top of roof tops!

                                            >Not even the ones with wings either; there were horn heads up there pointing their horns at you!!

                                            >Twenty or so of them, shovels and pickaxes at the ready, had already hopped over your fence and had been making their way toward your hole, but your spectacular entrance had sent the little buggers scrambling back in surprise

                                            >"What the hay?! Are ya out of yer mind, colt?!"

                                            >Ah, speak of the silly pony and she will appear

                                            >In silly horse battle armor no less

                                            >Little Applejack was dressed in armor that wouldn't look out of place in the guard, though her's had apples all over them

                                            >There were apples on her little general's helmet, there were apples on her plate armor, there were apples on her little metal combat boots, and she even spray painted a silver apple on both of her cheeks

                                            >If you didn't know any better you'd say that you were looking at a mighty general that just so happened to really, really, REALLY like apples

                                            >And also happened to be a three foot tall horse

                                            >....Which, now that you think about it, actually seemed to be the case

                                            >But there was one fatal flaw in the little "warrior" that you could see in Appul pone's big green eyes

                                            >You could see fear

                                            >More specifically fear of you

                                            >Not surprisingly since you just smashed your window and jumped through the hole you made like a crazy asshole

                                            >But you know what?

                                            >Right now you WERE a crazy asshole!

                                            >The craziest of assholes!

                                            >This was your motherfucking house

                                            >You had told these motherfucking ponies time and again and time and again and time and again to fuck off and leave you to your lawn work

                                            >And they had ignored you, fucked up your poor, undeserving lawn, and pissed you the fuck off

                                            >MORE THAN ONCE MIGHT YOU ADD!

                                            >And now it looked like they were going to try to do it again!

                                            >Well NOT TODAY THEY FUCKING WEREN'T

                                            >THIS WAS YOUR YARD, THAT WAS YOUR HOLE, AND SOME SILLY, COUNTRY-ASS HAT WEARING, APPLE-LOVING HICK HORSE WASN'T GOING TO TELL YOU OTHERWISE!

                                            >The little group of horses, all wearing the same armor that Appulz was (though fuck you if you knew where the hell they had gotten it from), though her helmet looked a hell of a lot fancier than theirs was, quickly retreated as you stomped toward them

                                            >Only Applejack managed to stand her ground as you readied yourself to purge the unclean

                                            >FortheEmperor.gnp

                                            >And, with eyes blazing, teeth bared, and soul screaming in rage and hate and for battle, you walk up to Applejack, leaned down, and whispered,

                                            "Yes, I am, now GET the FUCK off of my lawn!"

                                            >Though Appul horz looks more than a bit unnerved she stands her ground

                                            >"I'm 'fraid I can't do that Anon," she said with a stomp of her widdle hoof

                                            "And why the fuck not?!" you growl

                                            >Applejack gives your leg a poke

                                            >"Ya'll carrin' on bein' the ornery varmint ya were has stirred up enough trouble fer everypony! An' me an' everypony here have had 'bout enough of it!"

                                            >Applejack gives you another poke before looking over her shoulder at the little group still standing behind her

                                            >"I got every Apple from here ta the Crystal Empire, an' most of the other clans too ta help me!"

                                            >She sneers at you

                                            >"I suggest ya let me an' the gals dig that there hole fer ya, Anon. We wouldn't want ya getting--"

                                            >Suddenly the door to your house was thrown open, revealing an exhausted looking Luna, who had a piece of burnt toast in her mouth

                                            >"Human, we require thy assistance! We hath scoured thy larder but we cannot find the--"

                                            >Blinking, Woona looked around

                                            >"...Oh... it appears that thou art busy with what appears to be some sort of mob at the moment."

                                            >She slowly reached for the door

                                            >"We apologize for the interruption. We art sure if We tear through thy larder a bit more we will find what we desire eventually, and even if We do not there is surely enough food to fill our belly. Please, continue as thou were."

                                            "Don't you eat my fucking ice cream in the freezer!" you yell as she closed the door. "I've been waiting for the last three goddamned days to eat the rest of that!"

                                            >Glaring at the door for a second more you once again turn your attention toward Appulz

                                            "And you... YOU... get the fuck off my property before I bet the hell out of all of you!"

                                            >And you'd do it too

                                            >You'd gladly ruin every single little horse here

                                            >Once again Appulz snorts

                                            >"Oh? Ya'll gonna go and fight ALL of us?"

                                            >She gestured all around her

                                            >"Darn near half of Equestria's here, Sugarcube, an' all ya got on yer side is nopony but yerself!"

                                            >"Naha! Anon's got us!"

                                            >From out in the crowd you see someone pushing and shoving their way toward you

                                            >"Don't worry, Fingers, Bonnie and I will be there to protect you in a second!... Excuse us, pardon us, sorry about that..."

                                            >It takes a minute but eventually a grinning Lyra and the master of frowns Bon Bon herself hop over your fence

                                            >"Ha! We made it!" Lyra said before clearing her throat and doing her very best to look serious. "Don't you worry Anon! Me and Bonnie won't let you and those delicious little wigglers of your get all beat up by these big, mean mares!"

                                            >The weird little horse giggles

                                            >"Then I can do all that weird stuff that I wanted to do with your hands yesterday! How's that sound?"

                                            >Applejack sputters

                                            >"Lyra? Bon Bon? What the sam hell are ya'll doing?!"

                                            >"We're here to help Anon, Applejack!" Lyra says matter-of-factly before looking at Appul pone in concern. "...Didn't you just hear u--"

                                            >"I heard what ya'll said! I just can't believe it!"

                                            >Appulz points a hoof at you

                                            >"Ya'll tryin' ta help a colt that's actin' like a right stone head?!"

                                            >Well fuck you too apple horse

                                            >Fuck you and your country ways

                                            >You cunt

                                            >"What if the other stallions see what he's doin' an' they start taken after his nonsense?!"

                                            >Bon Bon, a frown on her face (no fucking shit), walked over to one of your bushes, pulling out the helmets and shoulder pads that she and Lyra had been wearing the other day

                                            "Oi! What the fuck are you doing hiding shit in my bushes, Bon Bon, you bitch?"

                                            >Slapping on her helmet, Bon Bon walked back over

                                            >"Buck AND fuck you Anon, you big, green, weird looking monkey," she said, pointing at you before putting Lyra's helmet on her head

                                            >Snorting, Bonnie Buns turns toward Applejack

                                            >"And buck you too Applejack, trying to come in here and trying to ruin Anon's day like this!"

                                            >"That's MY job you carpet muncher! And I'm not letting anypony take that away from me!"

                                            >Urgh

                                            >Sweet Christ above do you fucking HATE Bon Bon

                                            >HATE!

                                            "...How does it feel knowing that you suck all of the dicks, Bon Bon?"

                                            >Bon Bon snorted once again

                                            >"I'm a dyke you dumb monkey thing."

                                            "I was talking about the invisible, metaphorical dicks, you cunt. You suck all of those because you're the worst little horse in this little horse town and if I could get away with it, I'd punt you in the cunt so hard and so many times that the little horses would make a game out of it in commemoration for my efforts. They'd call it cunt ball, or Bon Bon's a cunt ball..."

                                            >"Well this cunt and this cunt's marefriend the only ponies that you got helping you, you in the closet fudge packer! so BUUUUCCCCKKKK YOOOOOUUUUUU"

                                            >You open your mouth to once again tell Bon Bon to fuck the fuck off when Applejack finally snapped

                                            >"Enough of this here tomfoolery!"

                                            >She looked back toward Lyra and Bon Bon

                                            >"If'n ya'll not fer us yer against us, an' we'll gladly rough ya up along with Anon if'n ya don't get out of our gosh dar--urgh!"

                                            >Apple pone lets out a yelp as you pick her up by her chest plate thingy and bring her close to your face

                                            >The mob she brought with her gasped, and more than a few take a few aggressive steps forward

                                            >But you don't pay attention to any of that

                                            >You just stare at Applejack while your raging hate stiffy twitches

                                            "Applejack, if you don't get off my property in the next ten seconds then I'm going to rip all of this armor off of you, put you over my knee, and beat your ass until you learn your lesson."

                                            >Applejack growls

                                            >"An' if ya don't let all us here help ya with yer darned hole I'll be doin' the same same ta ya ya senseless stallion!"

                                            >She yelps again she you give her a little shake

                                            >"I'm not a stallion, tree bucker. I'm a lot bigger and meaner than a stallion."

                                            >"And he's a lot more antisocial than one!" Lyra chirps

                                            >"And he has a lot of anger issues that he clearly needs to sort out," Bon Bon adds as she walks over and turns on the water for your hose

                                            >"And he could stand to be outside more"

                                            >"And he could learn to bucking smile every once in a while."

                                            >"And he needs to take better care of his hygiene just a bit more."

                                            >"And--"

                                            "Alright, alright! She fucking gets it!" you yell. "I think she gets the idea ladies!"

                                            >"...And he's a grade-A dick sucking asshole. Don't forget about that..."

                                            >Urgh

                                            >FUCKING BON BON

                                            >SO MUCH FUCKING HATE!!!!!

                                            >With an irritated huff, you toss Applejack away from you

                                            "You can still leave, Applejack, you and your little "army" can fuck off and let me dig my hole," you offer. "We don't need to do any of this battle royal bullshit."

                                            >Applejack just looks at you, laying on her back, with a glare before screaming,

                                            >"Alright gals, he ain't cooperating! Time ta knock some sense inta this here stallion!"

                                            >"HOHA!" the crowd roars, forcing you to cover your ears to keep you ear drums from exploding from the noise

                                            >"Draw yer weapons!"

                                            >Looking up you watch as ponies all around you tossing away their shovels and pickaxes and pulling out...

                                            >...

                                            >...

                                            >...

                                            >Swimming pool noodles?...

                                            >What the fuck is that bullshit?

                                            >...

                                            >...

                                            >...

                                            >...What the fuck ever

                                            >If it's a fight they want then you're more than happy to oblige!

                                            >Lyra and Bonny Buns seem to be of the same mindset, Lyra magicking a bunch of fly swatters all around her and Bon Bon readying your hose

                                            >...Alright

                                            >Admittedly not the trained killers that you'd usually want to fend off something like this but you'd take what you could get

                                            >Who knows, maybe harp and candy butt would be a big help

                                            >You doubted it but it was nice to hope

                                            >And after this was all over and you kicked the SHIT out of all of these ponies you'd have to do something nice for these two

                                            >Maybe you'd take the dykes out to dinner or something

                                            >Or take them out to a wine tasting thing

                                            >Lesbians like going to wine tastings right?

                                            >...

                                            >Well, whatever

                                            >First things first...

                                            >With a roar you rip off your pj top and spread your arms out wide

                                            "Ponies! Today you come to fuck me up and dig up my hole for whatever stupid fucking reasons you have!"

                                            >Spreading your arms out wide, you gesture at them while slowly walking around in a circle

                                            "You are an army! A mighty ocean of three foot tall marshmallow horses!"

                                            >You growl, and all of the enemy near you take a few hasty steps backward

                                            "But I am the OP shitposter! I am the internet asshole! I am the triple X librarian! You will not beat me and you WILL NOT STOP ME FROM DIGGING MY HOLE!"

                                            >The horses take another few steps backward, though with time they have their pool noodles aimed at you, as you take a few more steps forward

                                            >Not that you gave a fuck tho

                                            "I am the shore of eternity you little niglets! Send wave upon wave of your number! Crash upon me AND. BE. BROKEN!"

                                            >With another roar, you slam your fist against your chest and get into a wrestler's stance

                                            >"Woo! That was pretty bucking awesome, Anon!" Lyra says with an excited giggle

                                            >You couldn't help but smile slightly

                                            >Bon Bon snorts

                                            >"It was pretty stupid if you ask me... What? Did you get that out of a Power Ponies comic or something you bucking putz?"

                                            >Your smile leaves your face once again

                                            >Your hate stiffy throbs

                                            "....FUCK you Bon Bon..."