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Diggy Hole 7

By lapsbin
Created: 2020-12-25 17:03:11
Expiry: Never

  1. BE Twilight Sparkle
  2. >This is bad!
  3. >This is very, very, VERY bad!
  4. >Why the buck did Anon jump out of the window?!
  5. >Couldn't he have just used the bucking stairs?
  6. >The bucking crazy stallion must have had a death wish!
  7. >Sweetstarsabovewhatwereyougonnado?!?!
  8. >Trotting in place, you look over at your teacher
  9. "Princess! We have to do something about this!"
  10. >While you didn't know what that something was you were sure that the Princess would know what to do!
  11. >You watch as your teacher, with a tired sigh, rolled out of Anon's bed and ruffled her feathers
  12. >"I suppose that you're right, Twilight. Something DOES need to be done about all of this."
  13. >Shaking her head the Princess looked past you and at the ruined window that Anon just hopped through like a nut
  14. >"Come, lets go downstairs and see what my sister is doing."
  15. >You didn't know how the Princess was able to walk out of the room and down the stairs as calmly as she did
  16. >You ran down the stairs as fast as your hooves could take you, then ran back up them when you noticed that your teacher hadn't been running down the stairs with you, then ran back down them because you honestly didn't know what to do with yourself
  17. >It still looked like you still had to master the art of being calm under pressure, something that your teacher seemed a master of
  18. >She was probably thinking up something right now to solve all of this under that cool, calm gaze of her's
  19. >Cool as a cucumber AND the other side of the pillow your teacher was
  20. >"Sister, is that thou?" a voice from the kitchen called
  21. >Yawning (what a bucking ZEN MASTER) your teacher led you to the kitchen, where Luna was sitting on Anon's counter eating a big tub of what looked like chocolate chip cookie dough ice cream
  22. >"Shouldn't you be eating something more breakfast related, Luna?" your teacher asked in amusement
  23. >Luna froze, a spoon in her mouth, before her eyes snapped toward you and the Princess
  24. >"Oh, it is thou," she said, sighing in relief. "We had feared that the mob outside had besieged the house and were trying to force themselves in."
  25. >Wait!
  26. >Back up!
  27. >BACK RIGHT UP!
  28. "THERE'S A MOB OUTSIDE?!"
  29. >Luna nodded, scooping a big spoon full of ice cream out of the tub before shoving it into her mouth
  30. >"Aye, a very big one at that."
  31. >Your teacher seemed to take the news surprisingly well, walking past her sister and opening Anon's fridge
  32. >"Did you save any food for us or did you eat everything in sight like you usually do, Luna?" she asked, poking her eat in
  33. >Luna snorted
  34. >"There was barely any substance in the human's house to speak of, dear sister, so thou shall have to make do with whatever We have left thee. AND we would like to remind thou that WE are not the one that managed to eat half of the castle's supply of--"
  35. >Wait!
  36. >They're EATING
  37. >Right after Luna said that there's a mob outside?
  38. >A MOB!
  39. >Hundred of ponies doing Faust knows what to Anon out there!
  40. >They could be hurting the poor, defenseless stallion
  41. >OR WORSE!
  42. >MUCH, MUCH WORSE!!!
  43. >Why the hay didn't you take a minute to properly look outside that BUCKING WINDOW?!
  44. >You could have stopped this before it began!
  45. >You didn't know how but you would have figured something out
  46. "WHAT THE HAY ARE YOU TWO DOING?!"
  47. >Both the Princess and Luna reeled back in surprise at your shout, looking at you then each other in confusion
  48. >"... We are eating, Twilight Sparkle," Luna said before scooping up another spoonful of ice cream for herself to emphasis her point. "What does it look like we art doing?"
  49. "Anon's outside, by himself, with a mob of mares outside ready to do Faust knows what with him, and the two of you are just going to sit in here and EAT BREAKFAST?!"
  50. >The Celestial sisters looked at each other once again before nodding
  51. >"Yes, my student, and after that I do believe that I'll go back up to Anonymous's bedroom and fix his window since he was such a dear and let us all sleep over his house.
  52. >Luna nodded
  53. >"Say what you will about that stallion but it was good of him to shelter us like he did."
  54. >Wat
  55. >WAT?
  56. >WAT?!?!?!?!?!
  57. >WERE YOU THE ONLY PONY HERE THAT HAD ANY SENSE OF DECENCY?!
  58. >THEY COULD HAVE BEEN RAPING ANON RIGHT NOW AS THE THREE OF YOU WERE HAVING THIS--
  59.  
  60. BOOM!
  61.  
  62. >You can't help but jump as two armored mares come flying through Anon's door, knocking the thing off its hinges, mystery mares tumbling through the entryway before skitting to a stop a few feet from the entrance to the kitchen
  63. >"YOU CUNTS ARE PAYING FOR THAT!" You could hear Anon, as clear as day, roar over what sounded like a battlefield outside. "JUST LIKE YOU'RE PAYING FOR MY FUCKING FENCE!"
  64. >With a hum your teacher walked over to the bruised, battered, and unconscious mares and gave them a little kick with her hoof
  65. >"Oh I wouldn't worry too much about Anonymous, my dear student--"
  66. >"DESPAIR, FOR I AM THE END OF DAYS YOU LITTLE HORSES!"
  67. >"--I think that he'll be able to handle himself. "
  68. >Luna nodded, kicking her hooves around as she levitated the now empty tub of ice cream over to the garbage bin
  69. >"Aye, and if he DOES become overwhelmed then mares outside should, along with probably having their way with Anonymous on the bare earth outside, dig up that blasted hole that hath been vexing us all for these last few days."
  70. >With a huge yawn Luna opened one of Anon's drawers and pulled out a bag of cookies, opening them with a flick of her horn
  71. >"And if he doesn't there is a good chance that he will be too tired to stop US from overpowering him and digging up his hole."
  72. >She shrugged, levitating a cookie out of the bag and nomming on it
  73. >"And we three can have our way with him if we so desire at the time. I myself hath always been a bit frisky after--"
  74. "We'renotgonnabuckingdoanythinglikethat!!"
  75. >Luna blinked
  76. >"...Thou didn't need to bite off our head, Twilight Sparkle. A simple no would have sufficed."
  77. >Rolling her eyes at you, your teacher walked over and laid a wing over you
  78. >"I know that this might seem... strange to you, my dear student, but why don't the three of us just let all of... THIS sort itself out on its own."
  79. >You watch as one of the cookies from Luna's bag levitates over to your teacher, who took a big bite out of it
  80. >"I've always found that the less you do in situations like these the faster and better they seem to sort themselves out."
  81. "But--"
  82. >"AND if it gets too out of hoof than I'm sure that the three of us are more than capable of ceasing any silliness."
  83. >With a grunt your teacher hopped up onto the counter with her sister
  84. >"Let everypony out there let off some steam for an hour or two. Heavens know that Anonymous needs it, and I'm sure half of the town need it after how that stallion out there's been acting. So why don't the three of us just go ahead and look through Anon's kitchen to see if he has any food and have ourselves a hearty breakfast, hmm?"
  85. >You just stand there, mouth agape, looking at Luna and your teacher, a mare that you thought was a paragon of all things good and noble and marely, in shock
  86. >What the TARTARUS was wrong with these two?!
  87. >You three just couldn't sit here, eat all of Anon's junk food, and wait for all of this to sort itself out!
  88. >You three were better than that!
  89. >And you had no bucking idea WHY the princesses would even suggest something like that!
  90. >It wasn't like the two of them did nothing while...
  91. >...
  92. >...
  93. >...
  94. >...Oh
  95. >Oh holy horse apples...
  96. >All of the puzzle pieces just fitted together...
  97. >The Princess...
  98. >Luna...
  99. >They were...
  100. >S-L-A-C-K-E-R-S
  101. >...
  102. >...
  103. >...
  104. >"...Twilight, dear, are you alright? You're looking a little... Flustered..."
  105. >...
  106. >...
  107. >...
  108. >NA! That couldn't be true!
  109. >This was bucking Princess Celestia you were bucking talking about!
  110. >S-She was just
  111. >She was just...
  112. >...Testing you?...
  113. >YEAH!
  114. >That's what this was!
  115. >A test!
  116. >A TEST!
  117. >This was another test!
  118. >The Princess WANTED you to go out there and protect Anon so that you could be a marely mare like her!
  119. >In fact, you bet that she set this ALL up (somehow) so that you'd better understand FRIENDSHIP!
  120. >Yeah!
  121. >That was it!
  122. >YepYepYep!!!
  123. >Don'tthinkaboutit!!
  124. >Themadnesssetsinifyouthinkaboutit!
  125. >With a giggle that sounded just a teeny bit crazy, you saluted
  126. "I understand what you want me to do now, Princess! And don't you worry, I'm on it!"
  127. >Both your teacher and her sister look at each other once again
  128. >Though, to the untrained eye, it looked like they were WORRIED about you!
  129. >"...On what, Twilight? What are you talking about?"
  130. >Oh!
  131. >OH!
  132. >Just look at her!
  133. >Look at how faked worried she looked!
  134. >Worried, hah!
  135. >But you knew the truth
  136. >They were just surprised that you figured out their little test so quickly and were hiding it under masks of concern!
  137. >But of course you managed to figure out the Princess's plan so quickly!
  138. >You were her star pupil!
  139. >Somepony that she wanted to mold and test so that you'd be the very best, smartest, and friendliest mare in the whole wide, wide world!
  140. >Hahahahahaha!
  141. >She REALLLLLLY had you going there for a second!
  142. >You had almost thought that you teacher was a lazy mare that got others to do important things for her!
  143. >But she wasn't a lazy pony
  144. >NO!
  145. >She was the hardest working, most qualified mare that you've ever met!
  146. >You bet your bucking Crystal Castle of Doom that if she really had wanted to she would have beaten off Chrysalis, and Tirek, and Nightmare Moon, and all of those other challenges that you and your friends had had to overcome
  147. >...
  148. >...
  149. >...
  150. >Hah!
  151. >With only the slightest eye twitch you spin around
  152. "DON'T YOU WORRY, ANON! I UNDERSTAND EVERYTHING THAT'S GOING ON NOW! I KNOW WHAT'S GOING ON AND I'M COMING TO SAVE YOU!"
  153.  
  154. BE CELESTIA
  155. >Both you and your sister watch as Twilight raceD out through the hole in the wall that used to have a door, shouting some nonsense to the heavens before joining the battle that was probably still raging outside
  156. >You didn't know cause you hadn't looked out the hole
  157. >Not really well anyway
  158. >Cause your tummy had the rumblies
  159. >That only hay bacon could satisfy
  160. >Luna, still eying where your student had run off to, reached into her cookie bag and pulled out another cookie to shove in her mouth
  161. >Though you'd usually chastise her for eating junk food this early in the morning you'll let it pass this time
  162. >There wasn't anything else in Anon's house TO eat except junk food it seemed
  163. >The colt really needed to go out and do some proper shopping...
  164. >Reaching over you grab yourself a cookie
  165. >Hmmm
  166. >Cookielicious...
  167. >"Sister?"
  168. "Yes Luna?"
  169. >"Should We perhaps venture forth and assist Twilight Sparkle in whatever she plans to do?"
  170. >"BURN, MAIM, KILL! BURN, MAIM, KILL!!!"
  171. >You twitch as Anonymous throws another pair of mares into his house sending them tumbling through what was left of the entryway and past the first two mares and into a wall
  172. >Huh...
  173. >That looked like it hurt
  174. >A lot...
  175. >Maybe you SHOULD go out there and put a stop to this nonsense?
  176. >All it would take was a spell after all
  177. >You could teleport the mob away, knock Anon out, or just dig up the hole yourself if you REALLY wanted to...
  178. >...
  179. >Eh...
  180. >Nah
  181. "Let us wait a bit before charging out there," you say, taking another bite out of your cookie. "Let's let everypony tire themselves out before we both go charging out there horns ablaze."
  182. >You know, you quite like the little seat that Luna had picked out
  183. >It was a good deal higher up than a normal chair and it had that firmness that you sometimes wanted whenever you say down...
  184. >Yes...
  185. >You'd have to sit on a counter more often whenever you happened to find yourself in a kitchen
  186. "For all we know Twilight will have this all settled by the time the two of us fix ourselves a proper breakfast. Let's give the mare a chance, eh?"
  187. >You sister nods at your obvious wisdom
  188. >"Aye, we also believe that that is the best course of action. We wouldn't want to steal any glory from young Twilight."
  189. >Nodding yourself you hop off the counter and walk over to the four knocked out mares
  190. >A quick pat down reveals four bit bags
  191. >Bit bags filled with bits
  192. >Bits that you were sure their owners wouldn't mind "lending" to you
  193. >They HAD broken Anon's door down
  194. >The very least they could do was full up his fridge with goodies to eat
  195. >Like hay bacon
  196. "Then come along sister and lets make a quick run down to the marketplace to get something to cook up for breakfast!"
  197. >Luna scrunches up her nose
  198. >"...Will thou buy the pancake batter that We like?"
  199. >You roll your eyes
  200. "Of course I will, you big baby. Now come on, let's get something to cook up before I start to fade away."
  201. >And not a bother was given that day.jng
  202.  
  203. BE ANONYMOUS
  204. >Fighting in a battle was a lot different than what you've read about
  205. >The history books never mention the how fucking loud it was
  206. >The Movies never could show or explain the sensory overload of having dozens and dozens of little horses charging at you all at the same time with weapons raised
  207. >Nor did they talk about the full body sting of getting hit everywhere at once by foam pool noodles
  208. >And they most certainly didn't talk about how eventually the sounds and the sights and the smells dimmed until they were nothing
  209. >Not even background noise
  210. >The only thing you could hear was the mares that were charging you and maybe Lyra's scream or Bon Bon's cursing and/or barrage of hurtful insults
  211. >Half of which were directed at you
  212. >The only thing you could see were those colorful plastic noodles of pain and the bodies that you had to dodge
  213. >And the pain
  214. >Well
  215. >You weren't feeling much of that after getting knocked around for what felt like an eternity
  216. >Probably cause you were a real motherfucker
  217. >....Or because they were hitting you with pool noodles
  218. >Eh
  219. >Somewhere during the beginning of the attack you had managed to wrestle two foam noodles off some mares and had been tearing into the enemy like a man possessed
  220. >You hit the little horses on the muzzles, you hit them on the rumps, you hit them on the back of their widdle furry legs
  221. >And you showed no mercy
  222. >They'd get hit whether they were tear-eyed and begging you to stop hitting them because it stung everywhere or screaming about how they were going to beat you until you cried like a colt
  223. >No mercy, no rest; you had to be a machine on this battlefield that had become your front yard
  224. >You had to keep swinging your noodles like a mad man
  225. >You had to keep pushing the enemy back, and you had to protect you hole at all cost
  226. >Because this was war
  227. >...A war where you and a bunch of ponies beat on each other with foam noodles...
  228. >But it was still war!
  229. >Or at least the closest thing that you want to get to a real, proper war
  230. "How are you doing over there BON BON?" you yell, taking three noodles to the stomach and one to the back
  231. >"Why won't he stay down?" one of the little horses that hit you asked, her voice filled with panic. "WE KEEP HITTING HIM BUT HE WON'T STAY DOWN OR CRY OR ANYTHING!"
  232. >With a battle cry you spin around and start pummeling the closest armored mare with your noodles of death
  233. "Because. You. Fuckin. Horses. Are. Outta. Your. Damn. Mind." you grunt in between hits
  234. >The mare does her best to block your attacks, her eyes wide with panic while she backpedals, but your barrage starts to find kinks in her defense
  235. >The little earth pony mare cries out when you hit her on the side of the neck
  236. >Tears start to form in her eyes when you hit on of her legs
  237. >And her lip begins quivering when you hit her on the rump
  238. >Ihavebecomethedestroyerofpone
  239. >"S-Stop it you m-meanie! T-That s-stings!"
  240. >Bon Bon leisurely waved your hose back and forth, bringing down pone after pone with a spray of water
  241. >If you didn't know any better you'd say that the mare was watering her flowers, not leaving her fellow ponies in a shivering, soaked mess
  242. >Bonnie Bun's was one stone cold motherfucker
  243. >And a cunt
  244. >A big one
  245. >"Maybe you should stop worrying about me and start worrying about all of the mares that are hitting you, dummy," Bon Bon called over the screaming and shouting of the mob. "Maybe then you'd stop getting hit so many times!"
  246. >Ugh!
  247. >Fucking Bon Bon...
  248. >From behind Candy rump you could see a mare charging at her with noodle raised
  249. >"I'm going to buck you up you bucking DIRT HORSE!"
  250. >Yeah!
  251. >You fuck that bitch up random pone
  252. >Time seemed to slow as the charging mare sprinted closer and closer toward Bon Bon
  253. >Bondeno didn't seem to notice her attacker, just waving your hose back and forth while humming a little tune to herself
  254. >You watch the scene unfold holding a little horse in a headlock, a smile coming to your face and your eyes widening
  255. >Come on!
  256. >Hit her
  257. >Whack her in the head!
  258. >"ARRRRGGGGGHHHHHHH!"
  259. >Almost there....
  260. >"AAAAARRRRRGGGGGHHHHH!"
  261. >Just a few more feet....
  262. >"AAAARRRRRGGGGHHHHH!"
  263. >Smack her RIGHT in the back of the head
  264. >Maybe that'd knock some of the cunt out of her!
  265. >You're practically squirming as the random little horse comes within swinging distance
  266. >She skidded to a stop and spun herself around so she that she'd had Bon Bon a little bit harder
  267. >Yes...YES!
  268. >COME ON!
  269. >YOU WERE SO. FUCKING. READY. FOR THIS!!!
  270. >Without even looking back at her attacker, Bon Bon's back leg shoots out, hitting the little mare right in the face
  271.  
  272. KONK!
  273.  
  274. >You make a disappointed sound as the little mare crumbles in a heap, tossing the little horse in your arms into a group of mares that were about to dog pile on you
  275. >FUCK!
  276. >So close...
  277. >Good try little pone
  278. >Good try...
  279. >Bon Bon, seeing you staring at her, frowned
  280. >"And if you quit staring at my butt maybe I wouldn't have to take out most of the mares myself!"
  281. >You growl, dropping one of your noodles and picking a mare up by the scruff of her neck as she tried to race around you
  282. "I wasn't staring at your fat ass you cunt! And the only reason why you're beating down more ponies is because you're using a fucking hose!"
  283. >You throw the little horse at another horse that was about to go for Lyra
  284. "That shit has area of effect!"
  285. >"Stop making things up you weirdo and keep fighting!"
  286. >You grunt as an armored mare slams into your gut, making you take a few steps back and almost knocking the wind out of you
  287. >Two more mares slam into both of your sides, nearly knocking you off of your feet
  288. >"Just. Let. Us. Dig. Your. Bucking. Hole!" one of the growls, pawing at your arm
  289. >With a snarl you shake yourself like a dog, causing the mares on you to go flying off
  290. >"You see? If you paid attention to what the hay was going on all around you then stuff like that wouldn't happen!"
  291. >Spitting, you lean down and grabbed the noodle that you had discarded
  292. "Just keep hitting them with that fucking water while I keep hitting them with these noodles!"
  293. >To your left you could hear Lyra giggling
  294. >Yeah! Yeah! Take that!"
  295. >When this little clash of yours had started you had been worried about the bird horses flying around
  296. >They could have started dive bombing you or they could have even flown behind you, Bon Bon, and Lyra and started fucking around with your hole
  297. >But, luckily, that was where Lyra came it
  298. >The mint green little horse would use those fly swatters of her's to smack any pegasus in the sky on the nose, causing them to lose control and crash, effectively taking them out of the fight
  299. >Which was great and all...
  300. >But you kinda wish she could control WHERE they fucking crashed
  301. >Your poor bird bath had been destroyed in moments, and your fence was so fucked up by the bird horses flying through it (though the little fuckers never seemed too worse for wear afterward) that the enemy had just up and tore down the rest of it
  302. >Which was another thing that they were going to have to FUCKING PAY FOR!
  303. >That and your fucking door
  304. >The fucking destruction CUNTS
  305. >"See Bonnie? I told you that I'd find something for you and Anon to bond over!" Lyra called, two of her fly swatters flashing through the air
  306. >You head two yelps in the air before two bird horses came crashing into the mob
  307. >"It might not be the... BEST thing to bond over but the two of you are definitely bonding!"
  308. >"SHUT UP LYRA!" both you and Bonnie yell
  309. >Time seems to slow after that
  310. >Though, at most, you had been out here for ten minutes, it felt like you had been out here all day
  311. >Battle time was weird like that... you think
  312. >The mob of ponies in front of you try everything to overwhelm you
  313. >You had shown them that that wasn't going to fly during the first ten minutes
  314. > So then the mob tried to get around you so they could get at the hole
  315. >Even if you kept beating them down eventually they dig up the hole and pull out your septic tank, especially with all of the unicorns and their dirt moving magic
  316. >But like last time you, Lyra, and Bon Bon managed to beat them back
  317. >And through all of this bullshit, though all of the hitting and yelling and adorable pony swearing that wasn't really swearing, looking over everything with a frown, was Applejack
  318. >MOTHER
  319. >FUCKING
  320. >SILLY
  321. >APPUL
  322. >HOERS
  323. >Sweet Christ above how you wanted to rush that silly pony and give her such a SMACK
  324. >But that was just what she wanted you to do probably
  325. >Appul hoers might have been the silliest pony around but she wasn't stupid
  326. >She knew the second that one of you broke formation you'd all be overwhelmed
  327. >And that'd be bad mkay?
  328. >But as everything stood none of you were going anywhere and as the minutes ticked by the more you three ground down her little "army"
  329. >All you needed to do was make a few more mares cry, maybe toss a couple more through the air, and...
  330. >"Man, BUCK this!" one of the mares said, throwing down her noodle and backpedaling away from you, her eyes wide and her ears pinned back. "I'm not getting my bucking flank kicked to dig some hole!"
  331. >...The army would start to waver
  332. >Though both of your noodles had chunks missing and your body was REALLY starting to ache from all of the continuous activity you couldn't help but smile
  333. >With a growl you swiped at the row of mares in front of you
  334. >With a chorus of yelps they hop away from you
  335. >Yes!
  336. >You can see the bravery leaving their eyes!
  337. >A bit more testosterone-filled aggression and mares would start to run
  338. >And, if you were lucky, if a few mares started to run then a WHOLE BUNCH of mares would start to run
  339. >Heh
  340. >Only (at max) twenty minutes of fighting and you were ready to end the battle?
  341. >These little horses were fucking plebs
  342. "Come on then!" you yell, taking another step forward and swinging your noodles around like you had ants in your pants. "I can keep doing this all day!"
  343. >You reach down and grab two mares that had been lying curled up on the ground sniffling
  344. >Casualties of your might you were guessing
  345. "I'll take you all on you little marshmallow horses!" you scream, tossing the mare into the crowd
  346. >Bon Bon, seeing what you were trying to do, starts walking forward with her hose
  347. >"Come on buckers! Who wants some?!"
  348. >The mob slowly starts to back away from you, some mares throwing off their helmets, others throwing down their pool noodles and looking around for any exits
  349. >At the moment not a single mare was trying to hit you and from what you could see no little horse was trying to dive bomb you
  350. >They were all just kind of quietly standing there looking at you nervously
  351. >None of them seemed to know what to do
  352. >You could tell that more than a few of them wanted to retreat, but there were others that still wanted to take a crack at you even after seeing that their silly little horse weapons didn't do much more than piss you off
  353. >Come on...
  354. >Run you little niggas...
  355. >Run on home...
  356. >The gap between your three man/horse army and the mob increase a bit more as the mares continued to slowly back away
  357. >You and Bon Bon didn''t even have to herd them back anymore, they were slowly retreating back toward Applejack's little command center on their own
  358. >Just a bit more...
  359. >Run the fuck away so I can--
  360. >"An' where the sam 'ell do you think ya'll going?!"
  361. >You frown as you see motherfucking Granny Smith in some weird green, apple themed robes shoving her way through the crowd toward you
  362. >The fuck is this then?
  363. >It takes a minute but she eventually makes her way to you
  364. >"Are ya'll gonna let some no good, ornery, pig-headed colt walk all over ya like a bunch of door mats?!"
  365. >Snorting, you take an aggressive step toward the elderly mare
  366. "You best to pissing off, Granny Smith," you advise
  367. >Looking past the crowd you see Applejack hurriedly making her way toward you all
  368. >You could see the horror on her face
  369. >...
  370. >...
  371. >...
  372. >What?
  373. >Did she think that you were low down enough to beat an elderly women with a pair of noodles?!
  374. >She was right, you'd beat Granny Smith with these foam noodles until you knocked the denchers out of her mouth if she made a break for your hole, but it was still a bit shitty of her to up and assume that you'd beat up old people willy-nilly!
  375. >The bitch
  376. >Granny Smith frowned at you
  377. >"Now see here ya young whipper-snapper! You're gonna stop all of this here nonsense an' let these mares do their work!"
  378. >You smile mockingly
  379. "They can dig up my hole any time they want, Granny. All they have to do is step over my dead fucking body to do it."
  380. >You spread your arms out wide
  381. "Do I got any takers? Any takers at all?"
  382. >Your smile widens when you see the mob take a few more steps back at that
  383. >Yeah!
  384. >Alpha as fuark!
  385. >"Granny! Ya get yer fanny back over here right now!" Appulz screamed
  386. >Granny looked over her shoulder
  387. >"I ain't standin' by an' letting this there stallion make all of us act like fools any longer!" she said with a stomp of the hoof before turning to look at you with a set jaw
  388. >"Now listen here youngin'! Are ya gonna let all of these here mares dig yer bucking hole or am I gonna have ta bring out the big guns?
  389. >Both Bon Bon and Lyra snort and you couldn't help but smile yourself at that
  390. >What the hell was this fossil going to do?
  391. >Talk you to death
  392. "That hole's MINE to dig, Granny. Not your's, not Applejack's, not a single pony here. MY. HOLE."
  393. >Squatting down until you were eye level with the old bag you flash her a toothy grin
  394. "So you can bring out whoever or whatever you want to try to fucking move me but I promise you I ain't going NOWHERE."
  395. >A look of sadness flashes across the elderly mare's face
  396. >"An' that's yer answer then, youngin'?"
  397. "That it is, Granny."
  398. >Shaking her head, Granny Smith steps away from you
  399. >"Then I'm afraid ya left me no choice," she said, placing the hood of her robe over her head and slowly standing up onto her back hooves. "I must summon the Great One ta stop yer nonsense!"
  400. >As you stand back up to your full height the wind suddenly started to pick up
  401. >Winds strong enough to damn near move you
  402. >...Strange
  403. >There wasn't a windy day scheduled today...
  404. >Looking up you see that black clouds were starting to form over Ponyville
  405. >What?
  406. >There wasn't any rainstorms scheduled today either
  407. >In fact it was supposed to be bright and sunny, without a cloud in the sky, for the rest of the week
  408. >You, Bon Bon, Lyra, and every single little horse in the mob look at Granny Smith, watching in a mixture of confusion and awe as the old mare starts to rock back and forth, her eyes becoming hazy and unfocused
  409. >"Oh Great Apple! I call upon thee! Leave yer sanctum within that there Everfree forest and help yer servants!"
  410. >The clouds seemed to get darker and more pronounced as Granny Smith lifted her hooves high into the air
  411. >Was...
  412. >Was Granny fucking doing this?!
  413. >You look over to your right to see Bon Bon, her head pinned to the back of her head, taking a few nervous steps back
  414. >Looking to your left you see Lyra doing the same thing, her fly swatters falling to the ground as the mint mare's golden eyes surveyed the sky with nothing less than terror
  415. >The crowd in front of you fare no better, every single one of them, Applejack included, moving away from Granny
  416. >"Come! Help us beat this here critter down so that he may know of yer might and the might of the Apple family oh Great One!"
  417. >Another gust of wind whipped through your yard, tugging at your clothes
  418. >"Anon," Lyra yelled, her mane flying this way and that. "Anon! What the hay is she doing?!"
  419. "I have no fucking idea what the fuck she's doing!" you yell, backing up with her and Bonnie. "You're the one with all of the magic! You tell me what the hell she's doing!"
  420. >"This isn't like any magic I know about!" Harp butt yells back
  421. >Another gust of air knocks the hood off of Granny's head, letting you all once again see her face
  422. >It seemed... sharper
  423. >More... animalistic...
  424. >"DO DRA SHON HABBA DABBA DO SHIM SHAM THANK YOU MA'AM BOFANGLE MOMANGLE--"
  425. >"Anon! Anon!"
  426. >You grunt in surprise as something nails you in the back, causing you to stumble forward
  427. >Ohsnapson!
  428. >GetitoffgetitoffGETITOFF!
  429. >Reflexively you reach down a pluck your attacker off of you, and you get into tossing position, but then you stop when you see that it was Twiggy Piggy
  430. "What?!" you yell. "Can't you see that I'm a bit busy at the moment?!"
  431. >Twilight, who must not have noticed all that BULLSHIT popping off like ten feet away from her (cause she was blind or some shit), smiles, all four of her hooves spreading out wide before wrapping themselves around you in a weird and slightly uncomfortable hug
  432. >"Anon! I just realized that this was all a test by the Princess!" Dorkale said with a crazy(ish) look on her eyes. "I wasn't supposed to be trying to force my help on you! I was supposed to let you come to me and ask for my help like a friend SHOULD!"
  433. >...What the fuck is she talking about?
  434. >And why does her mane look all weird like that?
  435. >...And what was that about a Princess?
  436. >This wasn't a FRIENDSHIP LESSON either or whatever the hell she just said...
  437. "Parkle, what the FUCK are you talking about?"
  438. >Twilight nuzzled your neck
  439. >"Princess Celestia set this all up so we could all learn something about friendship today, Anon! FRIENDSHIP!"
  440. >She nuzzled you again, and you have to resist the urge to throw her at into the crowd of mares in front of you
  441. >Exasperated, you look back over at Granny Smith
  442. >Did Twilight seriously not see the world ending shit that was going on RIGHT OVER THERE?!
  443. >What the hell was wrong with her?!
  444. >"I'm sorry for trying to dig up your hole, Anon!" It wasn't right to try to force anything on you, even if you are a stallion," Book Hoers said, looking up at you with a big smile. "If you want to dig up your hole by yourself then you should be able to do it all by yourself! You're a person that deserves to make your own decisions and I should have respected that."
  445. >...Huh
  446. >It was... nice to hear someone say that
  447. >A little sudden and out of place-- you know, since Twilot looked like she was about to lost it and with whatever the fuck Granny Smith was doing-- but it was still nice
  448. >Maybe the little horse had an epiphany or some shit while she was fucking around in your house?...
  449. >Yeah
  450. >It was probably some stupid shit like that
  451. >Fucking ponies...
  452. >The magic of friendship (or some such faggotry) was practically sparkling in the little mare's eyes
  453. >"But remember, if you need DO need help, with anything, you can come and..."
  454. >Slowly trailing off, Twilight looked over at Granny Smith, then up at the blackened sky with the clouds all spinning around and shit, before she looked back at you
  455. >"...Anon?"
  456. "Yes Twilight?"
  457. >"Could you please tell me what the hay's going on?"
  458. >Gently grabbing the mare by the scruff of her neck you peel her off of you and set her down on the ground
  459. "I fucking wish I could tell you, Narkle."
  460. >"DTHUM DOM DURTHAGEL FORE NAGTH APPLE QUSIEM APPLE APPLA APPLERN APPLAOLU!"
  461. >What sounded like a roar echoed out from the clouds, shaking the very earth itself and knocking you off your feet
  462. >"ARISE GREAT APPUL! ARRRRRIIIIISSSSSEEEEEE!"
  463. I HAVE ANSWERED YOUR CALL, GRANNY SMITH OF THE APPLES!
  464. >One moment all you were able to see up in the sky was the clouds
  465. >The best moment this... thing appears right above you all
  466. AND I HAVE COME TO REAP AND DEVOUR THE NONBELIEVERS!
  467. >HELLO!
  468. >THAT YELLING WAS A FUCKING THING!
  469. >"Is that a bucking giant apple with wings?!" Bon Bon yells, pointing at a... giant... apple with...
  470. >What the hell is this shit?!
  471. >Candybutt frowned, looking over in your direction
  472. >"Anon, why is it whenever me and Lyra try to help you some SHIT like this happens?!"
  473. "Because you touch yourself at night Bonnie," you immediately answer, your mind trying to process what the hell was happening in front of you
  474. >Bon Bon's frown deepened
  475. >"You'r mother touches herself at night you dick."
  476. "No you!"
  477. >That little verbal fencing out of the way you look back at all of... that
  478. >All of that shit happening in front of you
  479. >So...
  480. >Old Granny Smith summoned some giant apple god thing so fuck you up?
  481. >...Why did it have wings?
  482. >What ever was life?
  483. >What the hell were you doing her--
  484. ANONYMOUS THE HUMAN! I HAVE GAZED UPON YOU AND FOUND YOU WANTING!
  485. >The apple yelled turning (?) toward(?) you
  486. >Holy shit is that thing weird...
  487. >Shuffling in place uncomfortably , you look over at Bon Bon, then at Twilight, then at Lyra
  488. "...Well fuck you too big apple thing!"
  489. >The winged apple huffs(?)
  490. >Wait
  491. >Where the fuck was it's mouth and how was it--
  492. DO NOT FEAR THIS CREATURE, DAUGHTERS OF THE APPLE AND ALLIES! HE IS A CREATURE OF FLESH AND BLOOD AS THOU ARE!
  493. >The mob looked up at the apple, their fear slowly leaving their faces
  494. >Though you didn't know why
  495. >There was a GIANT, FLYING, TALKING APPLE floating above them!
  496. RALLY THYSELVES! TAKE HEART NOW, FOR I HAVE COME TO THIS FIELD OF BATTLE TO SPILL AND SHED BLOOD WITH THEE! FIGHT LIKE LIONESSES AND HE SHALL CRUMBLE!
  497. >Applejack threw a hoof up into the air
  498. >"Ya heard the Great Apple, girls! Come on now, lets give ol' Anon what fer!"
  499. >Oh shit!
  500. >They're fucking rallying!!!
  501. STEEL THYSELF, BEAST, FOR THOU SHALL SUFFER AN ETERNITY IN A POOL OF STALE CIDER AFTER I HAVE SMITTEN YOU!
  502. >Double shit!!
  503. >That thing wasn't to kill your ass!
  504. "Hey Twilight?"
  505. >You, Twilight, Bon Bon, and Lyra slowly back away as the big apple monster in the sky and it's horde of pone minions slowly descend upon you
  506. >"Yeah, Anon?"
  507. "Since you're an alicorn you're pretty much a god now right?!"
  508. >Twilight chuckled, giving you a shove with a blush on her cheeks
  509. >"Oh Anon! Now I wouldn't say that I was a GOD! I mean that after becoming an alicorn I might be a little more--"
  510. "Just answer the god damned, motherfucking, pissing question Twilight!"
  511. >Twilight stops, humming thoughtfully
  512. >"Aw... Maaaaybe?"
  513. >Fuck it
  514. >You'll fucking take a maybe if it meant not getting murdered by a giant flying apple
  515. "Hey, great! Listen, you remember when you said that you'd help me out with anything if I asked for it?"
  516. >"You mean the whole thing that--"
  517. "Yeah, yeah, that! Look, I'm going to have to ask you that favor right now!"
  518. >The armored mares in front of you lower their pool noodles while they shouted and jeered at you
  519. "Could you take out that fucking flying apple demon while me, Bonnie, and Lyra deal with everyone on the ground?"
  520. >You stop your retreating and look at her
  521. "Can you do that for me, Twilight?"
  522. >The giant flying apple seems to glow for a moment
  523. DO NOT TEST ME YOUNG ALICORN! I AM FAR BEYOND THEE!
  524. >The apple warned
  525. IF THOU TRIES TO STOP ANY OF US THERE SHALL BE NO MERCY FOR THEE!
  526. >Twilight looks at the big apple then at you, her ears splayed back
  527. >Come on Darkle...
  528. >Help a nigga out...
  529. >For once in your little horse life go ahead and be based...
  530. >Twilight closed her eyes and took a deep breath before looking up at you with a determined smile
  531. >"Alright! I'll help you Anon!"
  532. >Fuck Yes!
  533. >Narkle for the motherfuckin--
  534. >"B-But if I help y-you I want you to do something for m-me..."
  535. >You stop
  536. >Bon Bon and Lyra stop
  537. >The mob stop
  538. >Even the fucking apple stops
  539. >And you all just look at Twinought
  540. "...What do you want?"
  541. >Twilight looked away from you, rubbing a leg shyly
  542. >"Well... could you give me a... k-kiss after a-all of this is o-over?"
  543. >You don't think you've seen the little mare any redder as she looked back up at you
  544. >"I-If y-you don't m-min--"
  545. >Twilight squeaked when you kneeled down and put your hands on her shoulders
  546. "Twilight."
  547. >"Y-Yes A-Anon?"
  548. >You point at the big apple
  549. "If you keep that thing from mashing my potatoes then I'll give you all the kisses you want."
  550. >Darkle seemed to perk up considerably at that
  551. >"R-Really?!"
  552. >You nod
  553. "Really, really."
  554. >"Y-You Pinkie Promise?"
  555. "Cross my heart and hope to cry, stick a cupcake in my eye," you say, going through the motions
  556. >Now grinning like a crazy person, Twilight takes off into the air
  557. >"Then don't you worry, Anon! I'm beat the hay out of this apple monster and w-we can k-kiss all we w-want afterward!"
  558. >The apple rises up in the air a little more
  559. COME THEN, CHILD! IF THOU WISHES TO FIGHT A GOD THEN LET US TAKE OUR BATTLE TO THE SKIES!
  560. >As you get back up you notice that somewhere in the middle of the big winged monster apple appearing you tossing horses around you seemed to have lost your noodles
  561. >You look down at you empty hands before looking over your shoulder
  562. >About a foot away from you, Bon Bon, and Lyra was your hole
  563. >None of you could back up anymore; you all either had to make your stand here or you'd all have to run away
  564. >And there was no way in hell that you were running away
  565. >Not now
  566. "I SEEMED TO HAVE MISPLACED MY WEAPONS!" you shout at the once again advancing mob, your teeth bared as you squat down into a fighter's stance.
  567. "THANK GOODNESS THERE'S A GREAT BIG GROUP OF HORSES HERE THAT I CAN REARM MYSELF FROM!"
  568. >Once again slamming your fists against your chest, you look out at the mob like they were the scum of the earth
  569. "COME ON THEN, LADIES! COME AND MAKE MY FUUUUCCCCKKKKIIIIINNNNGGGG DAY!
  570.  
  571. BE TWILIGHT SPARKLE
  572. I SHALL SLAY THEE UPON THIS BATTLEFIELD, TWILIGHT SPARKLE: YOUNGEST OF THE ALICORNS! ALL WHO LOOK BACK UPON THIS DAY WILL KNOW MY MIGHT AND KNOW THY WEAKNESS!
  573. >You know, you honestly never expected any of those aerial combat books that you read while back in Canterlot would have any use
  574. >You had only read them out of boredom, back when you were a pudgy purple unicorn that didn't into friendship
  575. >But now you were a perfectly healthy and not puddy at all alicorn
  576. >With wings!
  577. >And right now you had a winged apple god chasing you through the air at high speeds
  578. >Speeds that SHOULD have been impossible for the boulder-sized apple if you looked at the laws of Aeronautics and--
  579.  
  580. ZING!
  581.  
  582. >You yelp as a bolt of white magic shoots right above your head
  583. "MOTHERBUCKER! STOP. SHOOTING. AT ME!"
  584. >And since a giant flying apple was trying to kill you in the fly, and since you both were flying, it looked like all of those flying techniques in the books were going to be put to good use
  585. I WILL FLAY THE SKIN FROM THY BONES!
  586. >...So if those books were useful than maybe that one you read about how to make paper mache teddy bear might help you in the futur--
  587. THOU CANNOT RUN FROM THE GREAT APPLE, WELP! MY STEM IS LONG REACHING AND MY VENGEANCE IS ETERNAL!
  588. >Oh yeah
  589. >You had a flying apple trying to kill you
  590. >...You should probably be focusing on that and not that dumb shit about useless books that you've read over the years....
  591. >Yeah, that'd probably help
  592. "HEY!... WHY DON'T YOU GO BUCK YOURSELF!"
  593. >With a mighty flap you rise into the air before tucking your wings against your sides
  594. >Your momentum takes your up a little farther before you feel gravity grab ahold of you and start to pull you back down toward the earth
  595. YOU WILL NOT BEST ME, TWILIGHT SPARKLE!
  596. >The apple boomed, speeding toward your quickly slowing down form
  597. CEASE YOUR STRUGGLES AND I SHALL MAKE YOUR DEATH QUICK!
  598. "Comeoncomeoncomeoncomeoncomeon!"
  599. >Hurry the buck up gravity!
  600. >You bitch!!
  601. >As you begin your descent to the ground you tuck your legs in to give you just a bit less wind resistance
  602. >Alright
  603. >Lets do this
  604. >Time to wreck shit!
  605. >The wind whips at your face as your body falls, the wind stinging your eyes as you quickly pick up speed
  606. >Out in the distance you could see the black cloud covering the town
  607. >A bit above that you could see the unicorn mountain range and Canterlot in the center of it standing atop the highest mountain top
  608. >For some reason, as you're fall toward the earth, you couldn't help but wonder how your parents were doing
  609. DIVING INTO THE CLOUDS WILL NOT SAVE YOU CHILD! THERE IS NO BARRIER ON THIS OR ANY OTHER WORLD THAT I CANNOT SEE THROUGH!!
  610. >It HAD been a while since you've seen your mom or dad
  611. >Maybe a bit too long
  612. >...You know what?
  613. >After this was all over you'd get Spike to send them a letter to see how they were doing...
  614. >No
  615. >You'd take Spike up with you to Canterlot so you could visit mom and dad
  616. >You bet dad would like that
  617. >The apple, seeing you falling, quickly dives with you, trailing behind as it fires more bolts of death your way
  618. >Which was another odd thing because you couldn't see where the hay it was casting
  619. >Usually you'd need a central point of focus for a spell (i.e. a horn or a staff or the tip of a finger) but with this apple it looked like it just fired its spell out of nothing!
  620. >Which was really interesting given the--
  621.  
  622. ZING!
  623.  
  624. >Oh
  625. >Oh right
  626. >You needed to DODGE the bolts that would probably kill you if they so much as grazed you so that you didn't DIE
  627. >You know, like the book said!
  628. >Keeping your wings tucked in tight you awkwardly weave randomly through the air as best as you can, dodging bolt after bolt that flies your way
  629. >Come on... come on...
  630. >Just a little more...
  631. >You were going to look so cool if you pulled this shit off...
  632. >Like a missile you fly down through the black clouds (keeping your mouth closed so you don't get a mouthful of whatever they were made out of) and toward the ground, where the mother of all battles appeared to be happening
  633. >There were armored mares as far as the eye could see
  634. >So many that they spanned almost the half the bucking town
  635. >And Ponyville wasn't a small bucking town!
  636. >Some of them were carrying shovels
  637. >Others were carrying weapons of war
  638. >Even over the screaming of the wind in your ears you could hear the army-- maybe one of the biggest ever seen on Equestrian soil-- yelling, cheering, singing war songs and screaming prayers
  639. >You don't think you've ever seen this many ponies in one place before...
  640. >Certainly not like this at least
  641. >This mob, this army, this... sea of ponies looked like they would be able to sweep over any obstacle that dared oppose it
  642. >It was a giant beast
  643. >Unmoveable
  644. >Savage
  645. >unstoppable
  646. >A force of nature itself
  647. >And anypony trying to stop it should have been swept aside like they were nothing
  648. >Should
  649. >You said should
  650. >Because, there, in Anon's yard, the mighty beast was finding itself stopped in its tracks
  651. >Though he was barely a dot from where you were you saw Anon, not a few feet from his hole, fighting like his life depended on it
  652. >Which, in retrospect, it probably did
  653. >Though the mob below you moved and swelled and charged toward that hole not a single one of them seemed to make it
  654. >They were either tossed away, or beaten down then tossed away, or hosed down and beaten down then tossed away
  655. >You can't help but smile in excitement at the thought of your hopefully, maybe, sweet-Celestia-above-please-please-please soon to be coltfriend fighting all of those mares down there and WINNING
  656. >WINNING!!!
  657. >Heh
  658. >It looked like you found yourself a warrior prince like the ones in your fantasy (dork) novels (and self-written fanfiction of said novels)
  659. >Wonder if--
  660.  
  661. Zing! Zing!
  662.  
  663. "EEP!"
  664. >Another bolt of magic flies by your head
  665. >Like so close that you could smell the fried air particles
  666. SO YOU SHALL NOT FACE ME? YOU WISH TO RUN? VERY WELL! I SHALL RIP OUT THY SOUL AND FORCE IT INTO AN APPLE TREE YOU WRETCHED COWARD!
  667. >OHBUCKINGSHIIIIIT!!!
  668. >The winged apples attacks seem to increase the closer you get to the ground
  669. >Bolts fly through the air in such heavy concentrations that it might as well have been rain
  670. >Eventually the only thing you can do it dodge and pray that one of his magic missiles doesn't hit you by chance
  671. >COME ON!
  672. >You couldn't die now!
  673. >You still had to beat this thing and get your kiss from Anon!
  674. >He had said that he was going to smooch you and everything in front of a bunch of ponies!
  675. >So you COULDN'T mess this up!
  676. >The ground seems to racing up towards you as the seconds tick by, the houses and ponies below becoming sharper and more pronounced as you fly downward
  677. >You're moving so fast that you've had to close your eyes to keep the wind from bucking them up and, if your calculations are correct, you're going fast enough to nearly break the sound barrier
  678. >A speed that most pegasi didn't dare go because normally their bodies couldn't take it
  679. >If you were a normal bird horse the moment you tried to open your wings at this speed they'd be ripped off you faster than you could spit
  680. >Which you'd imagine would hurt
  681. >A lot-lot
  682. >Luckily for you you were NOT a normal bird horse
  683. >You were an alicorn
  684. >And being an alicorn meant that your body was quite a bit more durable than a normal pony's body
  685. >And it also helped that you had magic on your side
  686. >Magic that you neededtousenowbeforeyouhitthegroundanddied!!!!
  687. I SHALL CRUSH THEE, WORM! THOU SHALL BE NOTHING MORE THAN PASTE ON THE GROUND IN WHICH I SHALL GROW MY CHILDREN ON!!!
  688. >Your fur stood on end as you felt a massive amount of magic being built up behind you
  689. I PROMISE THAT THOU SHALL NOT EVADE THIS ONE, PUP! NOW DIE!
  690. >Alright!
  691. >It's now or never!
  692. >Timetodothis!!!
  693. "AWWWWWWWWWWWWHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!"
  694. >Now screaming at the top of your lungs you unleash the magic that you had been gathering since the beginning of your little fall into a series of spells that would hopefully save you from becoming a pony pancake and make you look really cook and alpha mare material at the same time
  695. >Firin'thrustersCap'n!
  696. >Light explodes off of your horn and your vision blurs for a second as you cast your spells in quick secession
  697. > It takes a few seconds, but soon you feel tingling all over your body
  698. >Tingling that quickly turns painful
  699. "AURGH!"
  700. >Bars of magic encase your wings
  701. >Wings that, as the seconds passed, grew to an utterly massive size
  702. >OhmygoshthishurtsmorethanIthoughtitwould!!!
  703. >Adrenaline and pain spurring you onward, you throw a quick prayer to anypony listening and unfurl your wings
  704. >Don'tfailmenowmagic!!
  705. >Vertigo makes your stomach do flips and puts your lungs in your throat as your body violently slows down before you flap your wings
  706. >The bones in your wings groan in protest but they don't break
  707. >They withstood a force that you weren't even going to bother calculating
  708. >Now it's time to see just how strong these puppies are!
  709. >GOTTAGOFAST!
  710.  
  711. ZIIIINNNNNGGGGGGGG!
  712.  
  713. >Moving so fast that it feels like your eyeballs were in your colon, you fly above the winged apple just as it launches a storm of magic right here you had been a moment ago
  714. >...Owowowowowowowo
  715. >Gritting your teeth you quickly charge up another spell
  716. "YOU MISSED YOU DUMB HUNK OF FRUIT!"
  717. >Almost faster than you could see the apple spins around to face(?) you
  718. HOW DID--
  719. >Not giving it a chance to say a darned thing you launch a fireball at it
  720. >The apple's wings flap desperately to dodge your attack but it may as well have been moving through honey
  721.  
  722. BOOM!
  723.  
  724. URGH!
  725. >The apple cries, flying backward
  726. YOU DARE--
  727. >Moving faster than most ponies could dream about you close the distance between you and the apple
  728. "SO NOW IT'S MY BUCKING TURN!"
  729. >Your magically toughened hooves connect against the apple's shiny hide with another boom and with a flap of your wings you start to force it downward
  730. >The apple's magical bolts fly over your head as you flap your wings as hard as you can, driving the apple down toward the cold, hard ground
  731. >Realizing what you were trying to do, the apple tries to do a barrel roll to make you slide off the things but you had prepared for that, simply slowing down a bit, letting it do its roll, and slamming right back down on it
  732. STOP... THIS... AT... ONCE!
  733. >You were going to turn this bucking thing into the worlds biggest batch of applesauce!
  734. >Nopony gets away with trying to murder Twilight Sparkle!
  735. >Nor do they get away with threatening Anon!
  736. >YOUR ANON!
  737. I SAID STOP THIS AT ONCE YOU--
  738. "JUST SHUT THE BUCK UP AND GET SMASHED ALREADY!"
  739. >Letting your magic flow through your body you give the apple one last hard buck
  740.  
  741. BOOM!
  742.  
  743. >A sonic rainboom rips through the sky as the apple flies toward the ground
  744. >And into a hou--
  745.  
  746. BOOOOOOOOMMMM!!!!
  747.  
  748. >...
  749. >...
  750. >...
  751. >...You really hope that there was nopony in that house
  752. >...Or in any of the houses around THAT house
  753. >Cause that would have been bad
  754. >Really, really, really, really BAD
  755. >..Maybe the next time you kick something so hard that it breaks the sound barrier you should do it in an area that's a little less... populated?
  756. >For safety reasons and all that?
  757. >...Yeah...
  758. >You really need to remember that next time...
  759. >Flapping your giant wings (which looked pretty AWESOME by the way) you take a moment to survey the damage you caused
  760. >...
  761. >...
  762. >...
  763. >Well...
  764. >Shit...
  765. >It looked like you might have knocked down a whole block
  766. >...But on the bright side you had kicked the winged apple through the houses and not where all of the ponies were standing around
  767. >So at least that was something right?
  768. >...
  769. >Maybe you should have thought through that plan a little--
  770. HUMPH, IT APPEARS THAT I MAY HAVE MISJUDGED THEE, YOUNG TWILIGHT SPARKLE
  771. >Your eyes widened in shock
  772. >Wait
  773. >There was no way that--
  774.  
  775. ZING!
  776.  
  777. >You cry out in pain as a bolt of white magic comes flying out from the ruined part of town and hits one of your massive wings
  778. >You fall out of the sky for a few dozen feet before you manage to catch yourself in the air
  779. "...OW..."
  780. >Gritting your teeth, you quickly use your magic to heal your damaged wing
  781. "How the hay did you--"
  782. >Dust and debris go flying as something comes flying out of the ruined buildings
  783. I HAD COME INTO OUR FIGHT EXPECTING I FACED A CHILD THAT DID NOT KNOW HER WAY AROUND A BATTLEFIELD
  784. >You yelp in surprise as the winged apple, with not a single scratch on it, just... appears in front of you
  785. >With another yelp you flap your wings, distancing yourself from it
  786. >HOW WAS THAT BUCKING THING STILL MOVING AROUND?!
  787. >YOU KICKED IT HARD ENOUGH TO BREAK THE SOUND BARRIER!
  788. >The apple floats into the air, regarding you with... whatever the hay that it was looking out from
  789. >If that thing had a mouth you were SURE that it'd be smiling
  790. IT APPEARS THAT I HAVE QUITE THE WARRIOR STANDING BEFORE ME. A WARRIOR THAT I HAVE DISRESPECTED IN MY ARROGANCE
  791. >The apple dipped its body toward you
  792. IF I HAD KNOWN THAT I HAD A FIGHTER IN MY MIDST I WOULD HAVE NOT HELD BACK AS I HAVE
  793. >Wait
  794. >THAT THING'S BEEN HOLDING BACK THE WHOLE TIME?!
  795. >What kind of bullshit is that?!
  796. THAT IS A MISTAKE I WILL RECTIFY AT ONCE!!!"
  797. >There was a flash of light that forced you to cover your eyes
  798. READY YOURSELF, TWILIGHT SPARKLE! FOR I SHALL COME AT YOU WITH EVERYTHING I HAVE!!!
  799. >You gulp as you open your eyes to see what the apple had become
  800. >...
  801. >...
  802. >...
  803. >Double shit
  804. "...Actually, would you mind holding back some more please? I'd appreciate it since--"
  805. READY THYSELF!
  806. >Oh buck you right up the buckin--
  807.  
  808. BANG!
  809. BE ANON
  810. >"KEEP PUSHING GIRLS!"
  811. >"JUST A LITTLE BIT MORE AND WE'LL GET'EM!"
  812. >"THAT HOLE'S OURS MONKEY MAN!"
  813. >And things were starting to get pretty fucking rough
  814. >After that apple... thing appeared and gave the crowd that little pep talk the army of mares had come at you with a zealous-like ferocity
  815. >It took a bit longer to beat them down with your noodles
  816. >They no longer flinched as you tossed one of their number through the air
  817. >They didn't even bother trying to move out of the way of Bon Bon's hose of death
  818. >Hell, your screaming and shouting wasn't even doing anything anymore!
  819. >You were fighting a new breed of little horse
  820. >And, at that moment, things weren't looking good
  821. >"ANON YOU NEED TO KEEP THEM OFF ME!" Bon Bon, yelled, booting a mare in the face before weaving under a pool noodle
  822. >You grunt as no less than five mares launch themselves at you, nearly knocking you on your ass as they pounded you with hoof and noodle alike
  823. "I'M A BIT FUCKING BUSY HERE MYSELF, BONNIE!" you scream, ripping the little horses off of your body as quickly as you could and throwing them out of your yard
  824. >Lyra, who had to summon up a bunch more fly swatters to deal with all of the new pegasi flying around in the air yelps as she dodged a noodle swung at her
  825. >"ANON! WE NEED TO FIGURE OUT SOMETHING SOON 'CAUSE MY MAGIC'S GONNA RUN OUT EVENTUALLY!" mint pone say, her coat matted in sweat and her mane frazzled
  826. "JUST KEEP FIGHTING! IF WE KEEP FIGHTING THEN--"
  827. >"SHIT!" Bon Bon screamed
  828. >Whacking another little horse with your noodle so hard that you swear you saw one of her teeth fly out of her mouth, you look over to see what the hell Bonny Buns was on about
  829. >You had expected that one of the little horses had finally managed to hit her or tackle her to the ground or something like that
  830. >What you saw was a hell of a lot worse
  831. >The water from the hose wasn't coming out as powerfully; in fact it looked...
  832. >Shit
  833. >SHIT!
  834. >SHITSHITSHITSHITSHIT!
  835. >"THEY GOT AT THE BUCKING FAUCET AND TURNED THE HOSE OFF!" Bon Bon screamed in anger, watching as the hose's water trickled down to nothing before throwing it down in disgust
  836. >Seeing that that they weren't about to get a jet of water to the face, a group of mares charged Candy Butt with a terrifying roar
  837. >Heh
  838. >She's definitely gonna get the cunt ass of her's--
  839. >With a very un pony-like snarl, Bon Bon launched herself forward the group
  840. >Now...
  841. >You really couldn't explain what she... DID to them
  842. >...You saw a bunch of flipping and spinning and you swear to god above that Bon Bon hit one of the ponies with this blue spinning ball... thing
  843. >And then something like a small explosion went off and a smoke cloud surrounded them all ...
  844. >You know?
  845. >Eh, what the fuck ever
  846. >All you know was by the end of it there were a group of mares laying around the panting angry little horse
  847. "... WHAT THE FUCK WAS THAT?!"
  848. >With a back flip (the fuck?...) Bon Bon is right back to your side
  849. >"DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT!" she yelled, getting into this weird, horse kung fu stance. "WE GOT COMPANY INCOMING!"
  850. >Company?
  851. >What the hell ohmygodheretheycomeagain!
  852. >The next few minutes are a flurry of noodles, hooves, and you tossing what felt like a MILLION fucking ponies through the air
  853. >Somewhere during this intense, pain in the ass of a fight, you had lost both of your noodles once again, forcing you to use your hands to slap around the horses
  854. >Bon Bon seemed have to picked up a noodle, her coat matted and her breathing ragged, and was fucking EVERYTHING around her up
  855. >Lyra looked like she was ready to kneel over, more and more of her fly swatters falling to the ground as she was forced to conserve more and more magic
  856. >You weren't doing any better
  857. >Your body was REALLY starting to ache
  858. >And with each tackle and each hit you found yourself recovering less and less
  859. >Shit
  860. >It looked like your three man army was going to be overwhelmed
  861. >You put up one hell of a fight but the enemy was too numerous and too determined
  862. >Though it had looked like you were going to pull out in the beginning it had turned bad and there was nothing that you'd be able to do about it...
  863. >But that didn't mean you were gonna go out like some fucking BITCH!
  864. >FUCK THAT!
  865. >If you were going out right now you were leaving this world the way you came in it
  866. >Being a general nuisance and a bother to everyone around you!
  867. "COME ON, YOU CUNTS!" you scream, throwing punches, throwing out kicks, tossing your body weight around, doing everything to fight back and keep the mob at bay. "I STILL HAVE A HELL OF A LOT OF FIGHT IN ME!"
  868. >"Not fer long ya don't!"
  869. >Your pupils dilate as you hear that FUCKING voice
  870. >A voice that easily carried across the battlefield
  871. >A voice that had that country twang that made you twitch
  872. "Fucking... Applejack..."
  873. >And lo and behold there was the silly pony herself, not five feet from you with a paddle in her mouth
  874. >The mob, seeing that their leader was ready to join the fray, parted for the mare
  875. "And what the fuck do you think you're gonna do with that, Apple horse?" you growl
  876. >Tree Kicker grins
  877. >I remember sayin' somethin' about puttin' ya over my knee and teachin' ya some manners," she said around the handle in her mouth
  878. >You find yourself growling as she takes a step toward you
  879. >"An' I mean ta do it with this here paddle."
  880. >She pats one of her legs
  881. >"Now why don't ya come over here and take yer medicine like a good stallion?"
  882. >Some of the mob jeers at you as you look at Applejack
  883. >Dis...
  884. >Dis here little nigga was playing with forces beyond her control
  885. >Ain't nobody paddling Anon. Y Mous
  886. >Not your fucking dad when you were little, not your mom, not your teachers, and not this here little FUCKING HORSE RIGHT HERE!!
  887. >With teeth bared you flipped Appul hoers the bird
  888. >She doesn't know what it means but it makes you feel a bit better
  889. "Why don't you fucking come here and make me you fucking apple humper?"
  890. >The smile on Applejack's face vanishes
  891. >"Ya best watch yer buck--"
  892. "Fuck off the end of my dick, Applejack, you apple-themed cunt."
  893. >Everything's silent after that
  894. >No one moves a muscle
  895. >You and Appulz glare at each other, not blinking, not turning away
  896. >Bon Bon hands you a pool noodle that she got from fuck knows where
  897. >Appulz kicks at the dirt
  898. >You ready yourself for her charge
  899. >Wait for it...
  900. >Wait for it...
  901. >Waaaaaiiiiitttttt fffffooooorrrrr iiiiittttt.........
  902. >NOW!!!
  903. >The two of you launch yourselves forward
  904. >"AAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!!"
  905. "AAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!"
  906. >Applejack cocks her head back while you ready to swing your noodle
  907. >You had to hit the bitch first!
  908. >If you didn't hit her first she'd fuck you up with that paddle!
  909. >Like fuck up fuck up!
  910. >Cause it was real wood and shit!
  911. >So if you just stunned her and you manged to grab--
  912.  
  913. BOOOOOOOOM!!!
  914.  
  915. >Both you and Applejack, not five feet from each other, skid to a halt as a purple blur flies through the air so fast that there's an air cone around it
  916. >Whatever the hell it was arches in the air before it started to fall down toward...
  917. >OHFUCKINGSHIT!
  918. >Spinning around so fast that you nearly give yourself whiplash, you run back toward your hole as fast as your legs can take you
  919. >Applejack, seeing where the blur was headed, and seeing just how fast it was going, dropped her paddle in panic, spinning around and looking at the mob
  920. >"GET OUTTA THE WAY, YA'LL! IT'S COMING RIGHT FER US!"
  921. >Not looking back you scoop both Lyra and Bon Bon into your arms, ignoring their cries of shock, indignation, and protest, and hopped into your hole
  922. >Ponies are climbing over each other to get out of the way, shouting in panic as the blur grew ever closer
  923. >Along with the air cone you could see, at it's edges, the blur looked like it was on fire
  924. >And if you knew anything about anything you knew that whenever something had flames on it, be that real flames or flames painted on, it was going pretty, really, terribly, fast
  925. >And stick a carrot up your ass and call you the Easter Bunny if the fucking thing wasn't about it hit your fucking yard
  926. >...God fucking damnit...
  927. "GET YOUR HEADS DOWN!" you scream, grabbing the two little mares in your arms, sitting against the wall of your hole, and holding them close. "THAT FUCKING THINGS ABOUT TO--"
  928.  
  929. BOOOOOOOOM!
  930. POP!
  931.  
  932. >You held onto Lyra and Bonnie, shield them as best as you can, as the ground shook above you, throwing rock and dirt everywhere, the second that thing hit the ground
  933. >The boom that it made was so loud that if you hadn't been hiding in your hole your eardrums probably would have exploded
  934. >Everything's gonna be fine old boy...
  935. >Just keep hiding in your hole until the earth stopped fucking shaking...
  936. >Your hole wasn't going to collapse and kill you
  937. >And the earth most certainly wasn't going to open up and swallow you all
  938. >And just ignore the sudden wetness in your pants...
  939. >You can just blame it on Bon Bon after this was all over...
  940. >Stay calm, stay calm, STAY CALM...
  941. >You don't know how long the earth shakes, or if anyone that wasn't in your hole was alright, or if your fucking house was still intact, but, eventually, the ground stops shaking and your ears stop ringing
  942. >It takes a bit longer for you or the little horses to stop shaking but eventually you find yourself sitting at the bottom of your hole, your pants soaked in what was DEFINITELY not your own piss, with Bon Bon and Lyra holding onto you like their lives depended on it and their muzzles buried in your neck
  943. >"...Anon?" Lyra finally says after a few minutes of everything being silent
  944. >You crack open an eye to look at the dirt-covered and frazzled little horse
  945. "Yeah?"
  946. >"Are you alright?"
  947. >Despite the situation you couldn't help but snort, giving the mint pone a scratch under the chin with a shaky hand
  948. "Yeah, I'm alright."
  949. >You look up out at the sky above your hole
  950. "But I'm not sure about everything that's up there."
  951. >Lyra's golden eyes look over your face before she looks up at the sky with you
  952. >"I'm sure everyponies alright..."
  953. "Yeah... I'm sure too..."
  954. >Feeling particularly generous, you give Bonnie Bun's chest a scratch as you and Lyra go quiet again
  955. >Huh...
  956. >It sounded pretty dead up there...
  957. >Hopefully no one died on your lawn...
  958. >You really didn't want to somehow get sued over this...
  959. >Still looking up at the sky, Lyra lays her head on your chest
  960. >"...Anon?"
  961. "Yeah?"
  962. >"What do you think's up here?"
  963. >She looks back at you
  964. >"I mean what do you think crashed?"
  965. >You give the little horse another scratch to keep her calm while you hum thoughtfully
  966. "I really couldn't--"
  967. >"Did you pee your pants?"
  968. >Doing your very best not to flinch you look over at Bon Bon, who's glaring at you
  969. "...Come again?"
  970. >Disgust fills the earth ponies face as she wiggles in your lap
  971. >"I said did you pee your pants?" Bon Bon snapped. "Your pants are wet and I sure as hay did--"
  972. >Timetonipsthisinthebud!
  973. >With a gasp you push Bon Bon off of you
  974. "Bon Bon, you sick fucking horse! Did you fucking pee on me?!"
  975. >Lyra gasped as you looked down at your wet pants
  976. "Lyra, look at this shit!" you yell, pointing at your pants before pointing at Bon Bon. "Bon Bon over there peed ALL over me!"
  977. >Lyra looks at Bon Bon with wide eyes as Bon Bon growls
  978. >"Anon! You know I didn;t--"
  979. >"Bon Bon!" Lyra interrupts, wrapping her hoofsies around your neck and pulling your head toward your belly. "What the hay's wrong with you! Peeing on poor Anon then trying to blame it one him!"
  980. >Bon Bon's eye twitches, and you very nearly laugh at the expression of disbelief on her face, before the candy mare stomps a hoof
  981. >"Anon, you dumb bucking monkey! Don't you go and trying to blame that on my when you obviously peed your--"
  982. >You bury your face into Lyra's belly with a fake sob
  983. "S-She p-peed all o-over me, Lyra," you say as she holds you close. "S-She peed a-all over m-me a-and r-ruined my p-pj's..."
  984. >Lyra gasped again, pointing a hoof at Bon Bon while you shake with laughter
  985. >So sweet Jesus above look at Bon Bon's fucking face!
  986. >Keks4daysson
  987. >"On his bucking pj's Bonnie! ON HIS BUCKING PJ'S! Have you no shame?!?!?!"
  988. >Bon Bon looks all around your hole, probably trying to find something to hit you with
  989. >But was that a flustered look you spied?
  990. >"I-I didn't, I couldn't I-I--"
  991. >"...Ow..."
  992. >The three of you freeze as you hear a voice coming from right above your hole
  993. >"Anon, did you hear that?"
  994. "Yeah, I heard it..."
  995. >Gently pushing Lyra off you, and ignoring the big ol' wet patch in your crotch area, you slowly get to your feet
  996. >That little horse up there sounded like she was hurt
  997. >And, while you wanted these fucking ponies off of your property you REALLY didn't want to see them seriously hurt
  998. >So, against your better judgement, and with a little help from both Bon Bon and Lyra, you poke your head out of your hole to see what was happening
  999. >You were expecting one of the mares in the mob to be laying in a heap right next to your hole on fire or some shit
  1000. >What you weren't fucking expecting was Twiggy Piggy, all bruised and battered with her wings spread out wide on the dirt, laying not three feet away from your hole
  1001. >Behind her it looked like god's hand had come down on high and had dig a trench into the ground, starting from the other end of the street to your yard
  1002. >Dirt was everywhere, everything was on fire, the mob that had been in your lawn had fucked off a to the other street where Twilight here didn't drag her sorry hiester through the dirt at a violent speed
  1003. >But you weren't paying attention at all of that
  1004. >Right now you were focused on Twilight
  1005. >Scrambling out of your hole you run to the poor purple horse
  1006. >Holy hell
  1007. >You REALLY hopped that you wouldn't have to shoot Twilight now
  1008. >...Or did they have pone hospitals in Horseland?
  1009. >You honestly could remember at the moment...
  1010. >Hitting your knees you scoop the little mare up and set her head in your lap
  1011. "Twilight, TWILIGHT! Are you alright? Say something!"
  1012. >Groaning, Twilight's eyes slowly opened, her eyes slowly focusing on you
  1013. >"Anon?" she said weakly
  1014. >You nod, holding her close
  1015. "Yeah, yeah, it's me, Twilight. I'm here."
  1016. >She smiled , her eyes closing as she tucked her legs against her furry little chest
  1017. >"I'm... sorry but I couldn't... stop the apple," Twilight murmured as you did your best to put her wings back to her sides. "It was... too strong..."
  1018. THOU MANAGED TO SHIELD YOURSELF AS I SENT THEE CRASHING TOWARD THE GROUND? IMPRESSIVE.
  1019. >Looking up you see the winged apple hovering above you, a glowing aura coming off it's body, it's white wings now sparkling, and it's stem... longer?
  1020. >Did that fucking apple go fucking super sayian?!
  1021. BUT THOU LIE DEFEATED, TWILIGHT SPARKLE. EVEN THOUGH THOU MANAGED TO PROTECT THYSELF FROM THE BRUNT OF MY ATTACK THY MAGIC IS USED UP. I HAVE WON AND I WILL TAKE THE SPOILS OF WAR
  1022. >The apple regards (?) you
  1023. NOW RISE, ANONYMOUS THE HUMAN! YOUR ALLIES LIE--
  1024. >Something in your snaps, your vision turning red
  1025. >Gently pulling Twilight off of your lap you look over at Lyra, and Bon Bon, who had somehow managed to climb out of your hole
  1026. "I'm going to need you to get Narkle out of here."
  1027. >With a grunt you get to your feet and stare hatefully at the giant winged apple
  1028. "OI! FUCKHEAD!"
  1029. >The apple stops its monologuing (or whatever the fuck it was doing) and stares (?) at you
  1030. DO NOT INTERRUPT YOUR BETTERS, PUP! I--
  1031. >With a roar you launch yourself toward the flying apple
  1032. "YOU FUCKED UP!"
  1033. >The apple tries to back away as you race toward it, charging up some fuck-you-and-everyone-you-ever-loved magic to blast you to bits, but you're too fast
  1034. "YOU FUCKING FUCKED UP!"
  1035. >With another roar you launch yourself in the air and toward the apple
  1036. FOOL! I-- URGH!
  1037. >Your fingers dig into the apple's flesh as you grab ahold of it, causing the apple to take off high into the air
  1038. >Still growling and snarling and just being an angry motherfucker in general, you hold on tight to the apple as it spins around and bobs and weaves through the air, desperately trying to shake you off
  1039. "BECAUSE OF YOU MY YARDS NOW FUCKED UP AND ON FIRE AND ONE OF MY FRIENDS IS FUCKING HURT YOU CUNT!"
  1040. >The apple lets out another pained yell as you wrenched your fingers from the holes that they had put in the apple and drove them right back into a new spot
  1041. CEASE YOUR ACTIONS AT ONCE, CREATURE! I-- AURGH!
  1042. >You slowly start to climb the apple's body, your mouth frothing and your vision tinted in red
  1043. "AND I FUCKING BET YOU TOLD APPLEJACK AND ALL OF THESE FUCKING LITTLE PONIES TO COME TO MY YARD AND FUCK WITH ME, DIDN'T YOU?!"
  1044. >The mob of mares on the ground look like they're about to shit their collective pants as the apple fires off a barrage of spells wildly into the air
  1045. >Applejack in particular looks like she's about to faint
  1046. >"A-Anon!" she shouts up at you. "Ya leave the Great Apple alone, ya hear? Get yer fingers outta him and--"
  1047. "YOU THINK YOU'RE SO FUCKING TOUGH? WELL YOU WON'T BE SO FUCKING TOUGH AFTER I'VE FUCKING EATEN YOU!"
  1048. >The apple cork screws through the air, stopping suddenly before speeding up to incredible speeds
  1049. >Your legs dangle useless behind you but you don't need them
  1050. >Your hate stiffy will anchor you down
  1051. C-CREATURE! IF THOU RELEASES ME FROM THY GRASP THAN I WILL--YEOW!"
  1052. >You sink your teeth deep into the apple's apple-y hide, shaking your head back and forth before you rip a big chunk out of the apple
  1053. >FUCK. THE. POLICE!
  1054. >Spitting out the mouthful of apple you growl
  1055. "How about that you fucking cunt?!"
  1056. >With another ear-splitting cry, the apple slams into a building
  1057. >You let out a cry of your own, and you can feel something snap inside of you, but you manage to hold on
  1058. >You weren't gonna let go of this fucker!
  1059. >Not until it was in PIECES!
  1060. S-STOP THAT AT ONC--OW! CREATURE! I WILL LAY A CUR--OW! UPON THOU AND THY--AW! FOREBEARERS FOR--OW!"
  1061. >Applejack throws down her helmet as you keep taking big chunks out of the apple
  1062. >"Anon! ANON! YA BETTER QUIET EATING THE GREAT APPLE RIGHT NOW OR I'M GONNA GIVE YA SUCH A THRASHING WHEN YA GET DOWN HERE! I SWEAR TA CELESTIA!"
  1063. >The flying apple keeps slamming you against buildings but you barely feel it after the second or third time
  1064. >Your hate stiffy had transcended reality
  1065. >Where did this fucking apple get off flying and using magic and talking and shit?!
  1066. >You'll fucking teach it!
  1067. >You'll teach it good!
  1068. STOP--AW! FEASTING UPON--EEK! MY FLESH--OWOWOWOWOWOWOW!
  1069. >The apple dipped in the air, it's wings flapping weakly
  1070. JACK OF THE APPLES! MARES OF THE APPLE CLAN AND IT'S ALLIES! COME TO MY--
  1071. >Reaching up you paw for one of the apple's wings
  1072. "I'm... going... to fucking... fuck you.... up..." you grunt, your fingers straining as you paw at the apple's wing joint
  1073. >Almost....
  1074. >There....
  1075. >And...
  1076.  
  1077. SNAP!
  1078.  
  1079. >The apple lets out a pained shriek as you reach up, grab its wing joint, and pull on it with all of your might
  1080. AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!
  1081. >And just like that you're sent spinning toward the ground with this big fucking apple, holding onto it with all of your might
  1082. >HolyfuckingSHIT
  1083. >BRACEYOURSELFNIGGA!
  1084.  
  1085. BOOM!
  1086.  
  1087. >You're thrown off the apple and sent rolling as you and the apple hit the ground with a bone breaking amount of force
  1088. "Argh..." you groan, forcing yourself to a knee with a shake of your head. "I'm... not... done... yet..."
  1089. >Sweet Christ above that's gonna smart like a motherfucker tomorrow...
  1090. >And for a long while after that...
  1091. >Opening an eye you see Applejack's paddle, looking as good as new, right next to your foot
  1092. >Reaching down you grab it before turning toward the winged apple, both of its mighty wings bent at awkward angles and it's whole body cut up and bitten up and bruised
  1093. >Forthefuckinemperorwemarch.jnp
  1094. >You begin lumping toward it
  1095. >Seeing you advancing toward it the apple tries to weakly flap its wings
  1096. P-PLEASE, HAVE M-MERCY!
  1097. >You growl as you point the paddle at it
  1098. "I'm going to fucking hit you with this fucking this until you split in half you fucking prick!" you promise
  1099. >You didn't care that you vision was blurry, and you didn't care that you could see darkness at the ends of your vision you were going to go over there and--
  1100. >"AAAAAANNNNNNOOOOOOONNNNNNN!"
  1101. >Out of the corner of your eye you see an orange blur racing toward you
  1102. >If you weren't so fucked up you might have been able to dodge or roll or do SOMETHING to get out of the way but you honestly didn't know how you were still up and walking
  1103. >There was a good chance that you broke more than a few ribs when that apple slammed you into all of those buildings, your left leg didn't feel right, and you were pretty sure you had a concession
  1104. >So the blur that was Applejack was able to charge at you at full tilt and DECK you hard enough to knock you off your feet with a surprised grunt and send the two of you head over heel into your hole
  1105. >A wet crunch fills your ears and stars flash across your vision as you hit that cold, unforgiving earth face first
  1106. >Your vision starts to go black, and all of the rage that had been keeping you going for so long was starting to drain out of your body
  1107. >If you weren't hurt before you certainly were now
  1108. >And it wasn't a good pain
  1109. >...
  1110. >...
  1111. >...
  1112. >Welp
  1113. >It looked like this was it
  1114. >You were too hurt to continue and you were about to pass the fuck out because of the pain
  1115. >The spirit was willing but the body was too broken...
  1116. >...Heh
  1117. >At least you got some good hits in right?
  1118. >AND you fucked up some sort of apple god
  1119. >So that was something right?
  1120. >With a wheezing chuckle you let your body go limp
  1121. >Above you you see an orange blur moving back and forth and you can barely register that someone had rolled you onto your back and was now yelling something into your ear but you just ignore it
  1122. >Sorry little pone...
  1123. >Anonymous isn't in right now...
  1124. >Please leave a message at the end of the beep...
  1125. >Though it hurts you chuckle again, slowly closing your--
  1126. ARISE MY WAR BOY! YOU STILL NOT HAVE EARNED YOUR PLACE IN VALHALLA! YOU MUST FIGHT FOR ME UNTIL THE END!
  1127. >Your half-lidded eyes snap all the way open
  1128. >Was that voice...
  1129. >Coming from below you?...
  1130. YOU ARE DESTINED TO RIDE ETERNAL, MY WAR BOY! BUT NOT YET!
  1131. >You're not sure how you did it but you manage to roll your head to the side
  1132. >There, past the orange blur, something shiny and metal-y could be seen
  1133. YES, ANONYMOUS, IT IS I! YOUR SEPTIC TANK! THE ONE WHO YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO DIG UP TO FIND YOUR GLORY!
  1134. >You blink, a frown making its way into your face
  1135. "...What?... Septic tanks... don't talk..." you mutter
  1136. >Impossibly, you can hear the septic tank below you chuckle
  1137. THAT IS WHERE YOU ARE WRONG, MY WARRIOR! NOW ARISE! SHOW THESE PONIES THAT YOU ARE AWAITED! RISE AND FIGHT PAST THE POINT WHERE YOUR SOUL LEAVES YOUR BODY! SHOW THESE SIMPLE PONIES WHAT YOU CAN DO!
  1138. >You blink again, trying to get the dirt out of your eyes as your face scrunches up in thought
  1139. >Whoo
  1140. >You must be REALLY fucked up if you think your fucking tank's talking to you...
  1141. >...
  1142. >...
  1143. >...
  1144. >Eh
  1145. >What the hell?
  1146. >What's the harm in listening to it?
  1147. "...Am I really awaited in Valhalla?"
  1148. YOU SHALL RIDE TO VALHALLA, ALL SHINY AND CHROME MY WAR BOY! BUT FIRST YOU MUST RISE! RIIISSSEEEE!
  1149. >Though your mind is clouded with a haze of pain you couldn't help but think of what Immortan Tank just said
  1150. >What if...
  1151. >What if the tank was actually speaking the truth?
  1152. >What if you WERE awaited in Valhalla?
  1153. >Where you could drink all day and kick the shit out of other people while getting blown by Valkyries?
  1154. >That'd be FUCKING AWESOME!
  1155. >You could deal with an eternity of that shit!
  1156. >Your mind races as you feel a tingling all along your body
  1157. >Along with the orange blur you can see that a bunch of other blurs had hopped into your hole
  1158. >The hole that you had sworn to keep from the little horse menace
  1159. >The hole that you had fought tooth and nail to make sure that it was dug by you and only you
  1160. >The hole that had the Immortan tank awaiting you at the bottom!
  1161. >The tank that just promised you a one way ticket to paradise!
  1162. >The cool one, not that cuck Buhhda's paradise!
  1163. >Your body twitches as magic hits it, and you can't help but groan as you feel your broken bones and torn muscles mending and healing at an incredible rate
  1164. >Your arms and legs spasm and you can't help but smile
  1165. >The Immortan was right!
  1166. >Who else would use magic to heal your broken body other than the heroes of Valhalla?!
  1167. >This...
  1168. >THIS WAS A SIGN!
  1169. >YOU WERE DESTINED TO RIDE TO THE GATES OF PARADISE ALL SHINY AND CHROME!
  1170. >ALL YOU HAD TO DO WAS BEAT THESE LITTLE HORSES!
  1171. >IF YOU COULDN'T DUG UP THE IMMORTAN THAN NOBODY COULD!
  1172. >YOU'D LEAVE ONE LAST IMPRESSION BEFORE YOU GO OUT HISTORIC!
  1173. >With a yell you hop to your feet, looking wildly around
  1174. >You can see Applejack, who looks horrified and scared and had tears in her little pone eyes, and a whole bunch of little horses around her
  1175. >Sniffling, Appul hoers looks up at you
  1176. >"A-Anon?"
  1177. "I LIVE, I DIE, I LIVE AGAIN!"
  1178. >The ponies in the hole jump as you scream out to the heavens, slamming your fists against your chest
  1179. >Past all of the ponies in YOUR HOLE, hidden under a mountain of dirt and something that had somehow managed to survive this shitfest, was your trusty pickaxe
  1180. >The pickaxe that had been your faithful companion since the beginning of this journey of yours
  1181. >And the pickaxe that was going to help you to put an end to this
  1182. >ALLLLL of this
  1183. >"A-Anon, please, ya hit yer head pretty darn hard. Lily Crisp over here did 'er best ta heal ya up but--"
  1184. "WITNESS ME, APPLE HORSE!"
  1185. >Applejack blinks in confusion
  1186. >"...Pardon? What the hay am I--"
  1187. >With a giggle and an explosion of confetti, Pinkie motherfucking Pie suddenly appears in your hole
  1188. >The little mare had covered herself in white flour and it appeared that she had painted a skeleton's mouth on her face
  1189. >"WITNESS!" she screamed, tossing a can of something at you
  1190. >Catching it you see that Ponk had tossed you a can of sprayable silver food coloring
  1191. >It wasn't chrome spray, but since there wasn't such a thing as chrome in horseland, it'd have to do
  1192. >Aw
  1193. >Thanks Pank
  1194. >I'll save ya a seat in Valhalla and find you a Valkyrie sloot to blow you too
  1195. >It'll be fucking cash
  1196. >With a deranged cackle you slam the can against your chest before spraying your mouth with the "chrome"
  1197. "WITNESS ME!" you shout again
  1198. >Ponk points at you as you push through the mares, who try to stop you but are too confused and disorientated to more than paw at you as you barrel through them, and reach your pickaxe
  1199. >"WITNESSED!" Ponk screams again, hopping up and down on her back legs. "WIIIIITTTTTTNNNNNEEEESSSSSSSEEEEEDDDDD!
  1200. >Though Appulz has no fucking idea what the hell's going on boy does she not look happy
  1201. >"PINKIE! Anon needs ta go get somepony ta look at 'em! He don't need ya comin' in here an--"
  1202. WITNESSED!
  1203. >Your septic tank roars as you push past the mares in your hole toward that bit of exposed metal
  1204. >Applejack follows your gaze, her eyes widening
  1205. >"SOMEPONY STOP 'EM!" she yelled, realizing what you were trying to do. "DON'T LET 'EM GET NEAR THAT THERE BIT O' METAL!"
  1206. >The group of mares begin to spur into action but by then it was already too late
  1207. >You were ready to get your dick sucked by big tittyed white women in the afterlife
  1208. >...And other races as well...
  1209. >You weren't picky
  1210. >And you were gonna SAVOR that dick suckin'!
  1211. >Almost as much as you were going to savor THIS...
  1212. >You backhand a mare as she crosses your vision, and you kick another as they try to grab your pickaxe
  1213. >You feel two of them tackling you but you don't even miss a step
  1214. YES! YES! GO FORTH MY WAR BOY! I SHALL CARRY YOU TO THE GATES OF VALHALLA MYSELF WHEN THIS IS ALL OVER!
  1215. >Huh
  1216. >The place where your shit goes was going to fly you to the afterlife
  1217. >...It's not the flaming Harley-Davidson that you wanted but you guess it'll have to do
  1218. >"ANON!" Applejack yells, trying to push past the group of mares to get to you. "ANON! THERE'S PROBABLY SOMETHIN' WRONG WITH YER HEAD RIGHT NOW! I NEED YA TA THINK ABOUT WHAT THE HAY YOU'RE DOIN'!"
  1219. >You take a step
  1220. >Then another
  1221. >Then another
  1222. >"ANON! DON'T YA DARE--"
  1223. >With one last shout, the last shout that you'd utter on this mortal plane, you raise your pickaxe above your head
  1224. "WWWWWWWIIIIIIIIIITTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTNNNNNNNNNNNEEEEEEEEEEEEESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS MMMMMMMMMMMEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!"
  1225. >"ANON DO--"
  1226.  
  1227. BOOM!

Diggy Hole 1

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Diggy Hole 2

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Diggy Hole 3

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Diggy Hole 4

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Diggy Hole 5

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