[PiE?] A Funny Thing Happened on the Way to CWCville


                                            This was written late at night, when Christ tweeted for the first(?) time that the merge was happening RIGHT NOW FOR REAL GUYS. I passed out after writing what's here and promptly forgot about it when the thread died. I had an idea for writing this story from Chris' perspective, exploring what might "realistically" happen if all his ramblings somehow came true. Maybe someday I'll explore it, who knows.

                                            >>36342250 (You)

                                            It's real. Apparently parts of the US will be replaced with fictional locations during the merge, like CWCville replacing north Virginia, Gotham City replacing part of New Jersey, and the aforementioned Equestria being Maryland. All of these, however, will be treated as natural disasters with mass evacuations.


                                            Only Chris is fucking dumb enough to add death and destruction to his fantasy of all fiction ever coming to our reality.

                                            >>36342314

                                            >mass evacuations

                                            ##

                                            >"Anon, we have to go now! The national guard is coming soon, it isn't safe here!"

                                            >You ignore your dad and keep rocking back and forth on your bed hugging the plush

                                            "She's real... she's real... I did it... I got to Equestria..."

                                            >"Anon! Grab your stuff and let's go!"

                                            >Another police car drives down the road, the cop inside is using the megaphone

                                            >>"You all need to evacuate now. There may be another earthquake. Do not approach any buildings that were not there an hour ago. If you see an animal you cannot identify, dial *85 immediately. If you do not have a car..."

                                            >The echoing speech trailed off. You noticed a van parked across the street. S&C Plumbing. They weren't there a few minutes ago, why would they still bother to do their job instead of getting the hell out?

                                            >"ANON!"

                                            >Your dad shouts directly in your face

                                            >You flinch and look up at him

                                            >"Are you okay son? I know all this shit is scary but we'll be safe if we evacuate. We'll head south, to my parent's place in South Carolina. Apparently some shit is also going down in Virginia, so hopefully we can avoid it. God, the traffic..."

                                            "Dad... I'm not leaving. You can go, but I want to stay."

                                            >He looked baffled

                                            >"Why the hell would you stay? We're being invaded by fucking aliens or something, this shit's all over the news!"

                                            >He gestures to your TV, which is silently showing the news focusing on blurry pictures of brightly colored creatures, and buildings with odd architecture that suddenly appeared all over the state.

                                            >The screen switches to a live view of D.C., specifically a distant view of a large crystal tree next to the Washington Monument. There's a police cordon keeping people far away from it, and a small army of people in camo pointing guns at it, shipped in from Andrews.

                                            >Your breath catches as you take in the sight.

                                            "Okay, we do need to evacuate. I need to go there, asap."

                                            >"I bet that thing's an alien nuke or something! we need to get as far from it as we can, Anon!"

                                            "Dad, it's Twilight Sparkle's castle. Not a weapon."

                                            >He looks dumbfounded at you, and glances down to the purple plushy in your lap then back up

                                            >"Anon, I always knew you were a little /too/ into your pony show, but I thought you knew that it was just a show. That's not a pretty pony castle, it's some alien construction they teleported next to the monument. It's basically a declaration of war. And I personally want to be nowhere near that damn thing if it opens up or starts to glow or something."

                                            >As he was speaking your TV started showing another emergency alert. Mandatory civilian evacuation, effective indefinitely. The reason was an "unknown environmental catastrophe" and the location had expanded to the entirety of Maryland, Virginia, and Washington, D.C.

                                            >Dad glanced back at the screen "See, that's the get-the-hell-out alert! This is a really bad time to finally have a psychotic break, son. We need to go, NOW."

                                            >For the first time in your life, you talked back to your dad.

                                            "Dad, you can run away if you want. But somehow Chris Chan was fucking right, and Equestria has merged with our world. And fucking nothing is going to keep me from my waifu."

                                            >You shot out of bed and started going through your shit, grabbing a suitcase and shoving clothes and toiletries inside.

                                            >You also grab your laptop, a small solar battery bank. Your multitool has a knife on it so you put it in your pocket, along with your phone and wallet. Finally you open a drawer in your desk, push aside the pile of hard drives and pull out a chrome .357.

                                            >"Good idea, we should bring our guns incase we see those creatures. I'll get my .22."

                                            >He walks off, apparently thinking you're gonna leave with him.

                                            >You put on a holster and equip the gun, and put the three speed loaders you have into your suitcase.

                                            >You get an idea and go into the bathroom and look through the prescriptions you have.

                                            >Valium, focalin, and lexapro. You only take the lexapro anymore but kept the old leftover pills.

                                            >You need to focus now. A single pill of focalin should take away the ADD haze without replacing it with a medication haze. You need to keep taking the lexapro or you'll face withdraw effects. And the valium will come in handy if you get injured. You grab all the bottles and throw them in with your other shit in the suitcase before zipping it up.

                                            >You grab it and start to leave, before turning around and grabbing the purple plushy. As you do you catch sight of the TV again, back to showing the Crystal Toyset(TM). You note the mounted guns being set up the the soldiers.

                                            >This is going to be hard to pull off. You're just one autistic horsefucker going against the United States of America while it's in crisis mode.

                                            >You can only pray that this Equestria is in S5 at the latest. If Mary Sue, or God forbid the Diversity Squad exist you might play a game of Russian Roulette on a full chamber in the hopes of going to The Promised Land.

                                            >You shake your head. You have to focus on the here and now. You turn the TV off and walk out of the room carrying Twilight and pulling the suitcase behind you.

                                            >And then you run back into your room, pull the plug out of your computer and open it, and remove the hard drive in record time. You take it into the kitchen, and set it down carefully in the microwave. You spam 9 until the timer maxes out and press start.

                                            >Now you walk down the hall and down the stairs to the basement, looking for your dad.

                                            >He's in the closet with the gun safe, loading his rifle. .22 rounds are all over the floor.

                                            >"I fucking dropped this shit everywhere, help me pick it up."

                                            "Just give me the car keys so I can put our shit in it and start it up."

                                            >"Good idea. My suitcase is next to the door. Here."

                                            >He reaches in his pocket and pulls out the keychain.

                                            >You take it without a word and go upstairs, grabbing your suitcase and ignoring his.

                                            >You hear a popping sound in the kitchen, followed by the sound of the microwave shutting down.

                                            >Hopefully it's ruined enough that the feds can't recover your no hooves porn.

                                            >You walk right past his suitcase and out the front door, leaving it open.

                                            >You open the door of the old Jeep and are greeted by the comforting scent of 23 year old leather.

                                            >She starts right up, her cracked muffler roaring.

                                            >You look back at your house before driving off. You feel pretty shitty about doing this but dad would never agree to go with you. Besides, the police said they have transport for people who need it, right?

                                            >You drive past the plumber's van and realize that the windows are tinted so dark you can't look inside. Guess they don't want their rivals to see their cool plungers or pipecutters or something.

                                            >A few minutes later you're on MD-4, passing through Prince Frederick. This route should take you directly to D.C. but most likely will be cordoned off. If you can't find a back way in you might have to abandon the car.

                                            >Ten minutes later you're in Dunkirk and your phone is ringing.

                                            "Hey dad."

                                            >"What the fuck, Anon? Did you take the fucking car? Are you seriously so convinced the aliens are the ponies you jack off to that you're gonna try to go meet them? Do you think the military will just let you walk through their lines of defense?"

                                            "I'll deal with that once I get there. I'm sorry I stole the car, but I had no other choice. I really hope you can get a ride from someone, I saw tons of school buses downtown even though school never opened this year."

                                            >"How the hell can you be so calm about this? Have you really, truly, lost it?"

                                            "I lost it the second I saw a picture of a pony on TV and realized that the Dimensional Merge was really happening. I think I'm going full sociopath now."

                                            >"If you don't fucking turn around and come get me I'm reporting the car as stolen."

                                            "...The cops have bigger things to worry about."

                                            >"Jesus Christ, fine, I'll let you take me with you to go meet the aliens. I don't want our last conversation to be us fighting."

                                            ##