RGRE Shitpost


                                            >"Thank you for coming here today."

                                            >Be Anon

                                            >Anon E. Mous, as your parents called you

                                            >It had been a strange couple of months

                                            >First, you had been a poor piece o' shit, then you were in a land full of nice talking horses

                                            >You had been a sales associate at Walmart, but had been shipped off to a cotton farm south of Appaloosa

                                            >Honestly, you thought you were going to hate it at first

                                            >No electricity, hard, long hours, no meat

                                            >But honestly?

                                            >You quickly got used to it

                                            >The hours, the soreness, the food

                                            >Then, even more shockingly, you found yourself enjoying it

                                            >You also got to meet a friend

                                            >BlackAnon

                                            >You thought it was fucking amazing that ponies sent a black guy to a farm to pick cotton

                                            >He thought the same

                                            >You hadn't had a black friend before

                                            >Not a lot of colored folk wanted to live in a white shithole in the mountains

                                            >BlackAnon hadn't had a white friend

                                            >He said he had lived in Detroit before coming to horseland

                                            >Lived in a ghetto, just like you

                                            >The two of you bonded pretty quickly

                                            >He called you his "dawg" which you liked for some reason

                                            >The two of you learned to fuck up some cotton over the few months you worked on the farm with some nice stallions

                                            >You thought everything had been going pretty good, until your "handler" Sweet Tooth had gotten a letter

                                            >It was from Princess Twilight herself

                                            >It was a request to meet her friend Sunset Shimmer

                                            >Sweet sent both you and BlackAnon on a train and shipped you to the Crystal Empire

                                            >You had both been sent through a portal, and now you were here, sitting in front of a desk

                                            >A human woman sat on the other side of said desk

                                            >She was sharply dressed, and was looking at you both intently

                                            >Sunset Shimmer, read a name plate on her desk

                                            >There was also someone else there, sitting next to you and BlackAnon

                                            >Farmwork had done both you and your black buddy some good

                                            >You were lean, mean fighting machines

                                            >You even had a farmers tan

                                            >This guy though?


                                            >He must have either just gotten to Equestria, or they hadn't given him a physical job

                                            >He was short, incredibly overweight, pale with pockmarked skin

                                            >His hair was greasy, and his teeth and nails were kinda yellowish

                                            >He smelled kinda funny too

                                            >Like B.O. and piss

                                            >He looked very unhappy that he was here

                                            >He was also eyeballing BlackAnon, which you didn't like

                                            >Your buddy was ignoring him, using a pick to fluff up his afro

                                            "Um, we're happy to be here, ma'am," you said.

                                            >"Yeah, it's nice to get off the farm for a few days," BlackAnon said, putting his pick away. "Not too long though. We need to seed a crop soon."

                                            "Yeah. It's gonna be a good time to seed."

                                            >"We're gonna have a good crop."

                                            "A damn good one."

                                            >You fistbumped your buddy while Sunset smiled

                                            >The other girl just made a disapproving sound, crossing his arms

                                            >He mumbled something under his breath

                                            >Sunset looked over at him, her smile lessening

                                            >She gave him a look, but when he didn't return her gaze she looked at you and your bud

                                            >"Well, I'm happy that you two are enjoying Equestria. I've gotten letters from Sweet Tooth saying how well you both have done on the farm. She said you were both integrating very nicely."

                                            >"Thank you."

                                            "Thank you, ma'am."

                                            >The weird guy snorted

                                            >"I didn't know you people knew what thank you was," he muttered

                                            >Both you and your bud looked at him

                                            >"What'd you say over there, homeboy?" BlackAnon said, cupping a hand to his ear, his afro bobbing. "I couldn't hear ya."

                                            >The guy shrunk in his seat

                                            >Thankfully, he seemed smart enough to know that this wasn't the internet

                                            >You talk shit in person you're liable to get your ass beat

                                            >Sunset cleared her throat

                                            >"Yes, well, I'm sure you're wondering exactly where you both are. That's a very long story that I won't bother you with. What I would like to do is give you an offer."

                                            >She leaned back in her chair


                                            "You see, just like in Equestria, this place has a lack of good men like yourself. Princess Twilight sent you here to see if you would be interested in staying over this side of the portal."

                                            >You and BlackAnon exchanged glances

                                            "Did... we do something wrong, ma'am?" you asked

                                            >"Oh, no, no, no. Anon, sweetie, you both did wonderfully," Sunset said, reaching over her desk to grab your hand. "We just wanted to see if some humans wanted to come here. There's farming clans that would love to have you, but if you're not interested you can go right back to Sweet Tooth. I know change can be scary for a colt, but there's a lot of good women here that will be able to keep an eye on you both."

                                            >"No hooves..." the weird guy muttered darkly

                                            >You three ignored him

                                            >Both you and BlackAnon looked at each other

                                            >"Whatcha thinkin', big man?" Black asked

                                            "I mean, I don't know. I liked the farm."

                                            >You looked over at Sunset

                                            "But that's a woman. There's WOMEN over here."

                                            >"There's mares back home," Black said. "Nice, thick earth ponies. Big ol' asses."

                                            "I know, I know, but come on," you said, waving a hand around. "Lets me serious."

                                            >"I'm bein' serious," you buddy said, crossing his arms. "An to be honest, I'm a bit disappointed in my boy. I thought we were gonna be horsefuckin' buddies."

                                            >Sunset coughed

                                            >You turned her attention toward her

                                            >You saw something that caught your eye

                                            >As her bust shifted, you saw her skin was slightly paler as more boob was revealed

                                            >Your eyes widened

                                            "Mrs. Sunset? Do you have tan lines?"

                                            >"Do I have what, honey?" Sunset kindly asked

                                            "Tan lines. Like, you know, what you get if you wear a bikini."

                                            >"Of, I course I do," she said with a smile.

                                            >She unbuttoned her blouse, revealing a tang top

                                            >Sure enough, there was telltale signs of a very distinct tan line as the woman revealed her gorgeous body

                                            >Not able to tear your gaze away, you reached into your back pocket, producing a handkerchief

                                            >Also known as the farmers best friend


                                            "Sweet lord almighty..."

                                            >To add insult to injury, she then stood up, pulling her pants down a bit to reveal even more delicious tan lines

                                            >It was BlackAnon's turn to pull out his handkerchief

                                            >"Sweet lord," he said, gently dabbing his brow. "I'm finnin' to act up..."

                                            >You always wondered what me meant by that

                                            >What the heck was a finnin?

                                            >You had asked him, but he had never told you

                                            >"I'll tell you what, cutie," she said, looking at you. "I can sweeten the deal. I can be your handler. There's an apple farmer not far from where I live that'd be happy for your help. You and I can get to know each other."

                                            >She winked, then sat down

                                            >"Just be warned though, if we're going in that direction I'm making an honest man out of you. We care too much for sluts on this side of the portal."

                                            >"An' what about me?" BlackAnon asked

                                            >"Oh, I have a few handlers in mind for you, and I'm sure they're of a similar mind."

                                            >Your buddy bit his lip

                                            >"Fuck. Wholesome relations is my fetish, dawg," he said. "Lets fucking g---"

                                            >"RRRRRRRRRRRRREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!"

                                            >You nearly fell out of your chair as the weird guy went off beside you

                                            >His eyes nearly bugged out of his skull as he flailed his arms

                                            >Suddenly, he stood up, knocking his chair over

                                            >"What the fuck is wrong with you?" he demanded. "It's bad enough that there are other humans running around Equestria, and that I need to be here in this nohooves hellhole for whatever reason, but now you want to MARRY these things?!"

                                            >"Wha--" BlackAnon began, only to be cut off

                                            >"And who the fuck let you in here," he said gesturing toward your friend. "Equestria's only supposed to have desirables! When I get back I'm--"

                                            >Sunset snapped her fingers

                                            >There was a spark of red-ish light, and the weirdo suddenly sat down, looking confused

                                            >"Incognito. You weren't supposed to come here for another hour. I had wanted our conversation to be private, but since you insisted on barging in with these two I suppose I'll deal with you right now


                                            >Sunset grabbed some papers, looking them over

                                            >"Unlike Anon and his friend, you haven't gotten good reports from your mare handler. Ever since you've gotten here you've been nothing but trouble."

                                            >"Oh, fuck you, you--"

                                            >Another snap of her fingers, and his mouth snapped shut

                                            >"I've been told you've been angry, you've refused any job offered, and generally been a toxic individual."

                                            >"Of course I didn't take any of that fucking work!" he snapped. "I was a software engineer, I'm not working on a farm like some n--"

                                            >BlackAnon coughed

                                            >He went quiet

                                            >Sunset looked up from her papers

                                            >"You see, back in Equestria, most ponies are very nice. Too nice to do some things that are needed. That's why they sent you here to me."

                                            "I--"

                                            >"You seem not to understand what sort of culture you find yourself in. Its the lady's that run things. You need a mare to walk you around for your protection."

                                            >"I'm a grown fucking man!" the weirdo squealed

                                            >"We can debate on the grown part honey, but let me ask you some questions. Is whatever you did back on Earth viable in Equestria?"

                                            >"No but--"

                                            >"Did you have any bits to your name, or any skills, technical or otherwise?"

                                            >"Well, I mean--"

                                            >"Was Sweet Song kind enough to allow you into her home for THREE MONTHS, feeding and housing you out of her own pocket, while you did nothing but whine and complain?"

                                            >This time, the weirdo said nothing

                                            >Sunset stood up

                                            >"You are very luck you were housed in Canterlot. In less... progressive places they'd have adjusted your attitude in ways you wouldn't like. I understand that you're from a different world with different rules. That fine, so are the two gentlemen sitting next to you. The issue is your entire outlook."

                                            >She placed her hands on her hips

                                            >"You can't have it both ways. A mare isn't going to turn into one of your human woman because you want her too on a whim. The law also isn't going to change because you want it too."


                                            >"Fuck you," the weirdo hatefully growled. "It wasn't supposed to be like this! I was supposed to be the only one in Equestria! I was supposed to find my waifu and--"

                                            >"Everything about you is the antithesis of what ponies believe in. You are hateful, rude, lazy, prideful, and possibly one of the least hygienic creature's I've ever meet. I blame your parents. You and those like you are the reason why we don't let stallions vote."

                                            >She sat back down

                                            >"So, I'll take a picture out of your book. There's a lazy, freeloading immigrant that refuses to get a job. So, I'll go ahead and sent you back."

                                            >The weirdo stiffened, eyes widening

                                            >BlackAnon made the sign of the cross

                                            >"...What do you mean?" he asked

                                            >"When you get back, Princess Twilight will be sending you back to Earth."

                                            >"NO YOU FUCKING--"

                                            >"If you refuse to accept our ways and act like you are we have no use for you. We need stallions, but I don't believe any mare would be desperate for someone like you."

                                            >He tried to launch himself out of the chair are Sunset

                                            >A red aura surrounded him, forcing him to sit

                                            >"You will go home, and thing on the sort of person you are. Maybe on Earth you'll find a way to be a better person, though I doubt it."

                                            >With a snap of her fingers, he disappeared, leaving you and BlackAnon

                                            >You and your bud sort of sat there for a minute

                                            >BlackAnon then stood up

                                            >"Damn son! He got fucking gatted!"

                                            "Yeah he did!" you said. "I don't know what gatted me."

                                            >"Don't you worry about it, cracker. Now Mrs. Shimmer, where the FUCK do we sign up?"


                                            The End


                                            ~_~_~_~_~


                                            "There we go. How you doing sweetie?"

                                            >Anon looked up at you

                                            >He looked both nervous and excited as he sat there in his underwear

                                            >There was something else in his eyes too

                                            >Something that you couldn't quite discern

                                            >He was wiggling in his seat, and he didn't seem to know what to do with his hands

                                            >He was flustered

                                            >Which was super sweet

                                            >You stood in front of him, wearing nothing but your panties and bra

                                            >You were Sunset Shimmer, and tonight was an important night

                                            >Probably one of the most important of your life

                                            >After a year, you had finally done it

                                            >You made an honest man out of the boy sitting in front of you

                                            >Even got engagement rings for the two of you, which you were both wearing

                                            >Proudly

                                            >He was yours

                                            >No need to be a gentle woman anymore

                                            >Even Celestia herself would have applauded your self restraint

                                            >You could go all the way with him

                                            >Do everything you had ever wanted to do with him from the first time you had laid eyes on him

                                            >Just the thought made you so excited that you just wanted to jump around the room and scream like an idiot

                                            >And you would do that

                                            >Later and probably drunk, when you told the girls

                                            >But now, there was just the two of you and some thin fabric between you

                                            >Anon just nodded to your question, placing his hands in his lap then yanking them away


                                            "There we go. How you doing sweetie?"

                                            >Anon looked up at you

                                            >He looked both nervous and excited as he sat there in his underwear

                                            >There was something else in his eyes too

                                            >Something that you couldn't quite discern

                                            >He was wiggling in his seat, and he didn't seem to know what to do with his hands

                                            >He was flustered

                                            >Which was super sweet

                                            >You stood in front of him, wearing nothing but your panties and bra

                                            >You were Sunset Shimmer, and tonight was an important night

                                            >Probably one of the most important of your life

                                            >After a year, you had finally done it

                                            >You made an honest man out of the boy sitting in front of you

                                            >Even got engagement rings for the two of you, which you were both wearing

                                            >Proudly

                                            >He was yours

                                            >No need to be a gentle woman anymore

                                            >Even Celestia herself would have applauded your self restraint

                                            >You could go all the way with him

                                            >Do everything you had ever wanted to do with him from the first time you had laid eyes on him

                                            >Just the thought made you so excited that you just wanted to jump around the room and scream like an idiot

                                            >And you would do that

                                            >Later and probably drunk, when you told the girls

                                            >But now, there was just the two of you and some thin fabric between you

                                            >Anon just nodded to your question, placing his hands in his lap then yanking them away


                                            >That was all a load of horseapples

                                            >Being Celestia's student meant you had no time with colts

                                            >When you had come here you had been so busy with world domination that you had only gotten yourself some arm candy

                                            >You hadn't done a thing with Flash, or any of the other boys that you had dragged around the school and tormented

                                            >After you had gotten the crown, you were going to enjoy every colt in the school to celebrate going to Equestria to rip it apart

                                            >Thankfully, that had never happened

                                            >Anon had been your first kiss

                                            >Honestly, he might know more about sex than you, especially since you weren't born with this body

                                            >But he didn't know that

                                            >And he didn't need to know

                                            >You had asked Rarity for some tips

                                            >She had, of course, told you all you'd need to know

                                            >Most of it was no doubt things she had gotten out of magazines, but you weren't too worried

                                            >As far as you were concerned, you'd be able to fake this until you made it

                                            >Hopefully

                                            >Anon just gave you a jerky nod

                                            "We'll take this in baby steps," you said. "No need to rush, right? We can take our time. If anything makes you uncomfortable we'll stop."

                                            >Leaning close, you kissed his nose

                                            "I love you."

                                            >Anon smiled

                                            >"I love you too, and thank you, honey. Really."

                                            >Reaching up, you cupped his face


                                            >You gave him a peck on the lips, then another, then another

                                            >Anon twitched as you gave his lips a lick before pulling back

                                            >The expression on his face made you laugh

                                            >You could feel something hard and throbbing rubbing against your ass cheek

                                            >It made that fire in your stomach burn a little brighter and hotter, giving you enough courage to press your tongue into his mouth with your next kiss

                                            >Anon's hands snapped to your sides, his belly heaving as you lapped at his tongue

                                            >His tongue immediately spurred to life, wrestling with yours

                                            >It was awkward

                                            >He clearly had no idea what he was doing

                                            >You didn't either

                                            >Your noses kept hitting together, and more than once teeth hit teeth as you kissed

                                            >He seemed to be enjoying himself, despite all of that

                                            >A minute or so passed before you both sort of got the hang of it

                                            >Anon seemed content to just toy with your tongue as you explored every inch that your own wet muscle could reach

                                            >His mouth tasted like the toothpaste that you both used, and certain teeth had an almost unusual sharpness to them

                                            >You licked and teased all that you could, grinding your ass into his lap

                                            >His hot breath washed over your face each time you pulled back

                                            >Drool pooled from your mouth, dribbling down your chin

                                            >It was getting hard to catch your breath

                                            >It felt like every vein in your body was on fire

                                            >Not able to help yourself, you gently tugged at his bottom lip with your teeth before sitting back into his lap


                                            >Anon barely had time to look up at you with glazed, unfocused eyes when you grabbed the back of his head and forced his face between your tits

                                            >You did it so hard that you felt the bra's hood strap nearly give

                                            >You knew your skin was soft and supple; perfect

                                            >There was none of that rough hand nonsense, or ashy knees or elbows

                                            >You weren't a boy

                                            >Or Applejack

                                            >You used shea butter; Rarity had suggested you use one with vanilla in it

                                            >Your fiancé seemed to like it, as he let out a groan

                                            >He tried to press deeper into your cleavage

                                            >This allowed you to let go of his head so you could fiddle with your strap

                                            "Come on... piece of... stupid..."

                                            >With a frustrated grunt, you just broke the thing with a hard yank

                                            >Your breasts, now free, feel around Anon's head

                                            >He nuzzled deeper and deeper until his nose was poking your sternum

                                            >As you tossed the bra--which Rarity would need to fix after this was over--you heard him inhale

                                            >You pressed your tits together, which got another groan out of Anon

                                            "There we go. You like these big titties sweet--"

                                            >You felt Anon turn his head slightly

                                            >His lips brushed against your skin

                                            >Then you felt his tongue

                                            >It felt like a lightning bolt hit you

                                            >You gasped, and you nearly fell off the chair

                                            >It was your turn to wiggle and squirm as Anon began to lavish your tits with affection


                                            >Each nipple, kiss, and lick made your spine tingle

                                            >You didn't think your breasts were that sensitive

                                            >Heck, you didn't think ANY part of your body was that sensitive

                                            "Aw shit... f-fuck... just like that, sweetie..."

                                            >Anon, his eyes closed, shuddered as he began to suck on your nipple

                                            >A whine escaped him as he looked up at you with some alarm

                                            >"S-Sunset, stop. Please."

                                            >You froze

                                            "What's wrong, hon?"

                                            >Your fiancé whimpered

                                            >"The grinding. It's gonna m-make me..."

                                            >It was then you realized that there was a noticeable set spot on your ass

                                            >You looked back to see that Anon was leaking so much that it had seeped through his underwear and onto yours

                                            >Speaking of underwear, yours was in a bit of a crisis as well

                                            >You could have jumped into a pool and they wouldn't have been as soaked

                                            >Pride surged through you, as did a mares instinct

                                            >You wanted to haul him up, throw him onto the bed, and ride him into the sunset

                                            >Ride him under he put a foal in you

                                            >Then you'd have a husband AND a family

                                            >You could already see his face twisting in pleasure, hear his moans, hear your bed creaking

                                            >Breathing hard, you looked at Anon

                                            >The eagerness and nervousness was there, as was the other thing

                                            >It was fear

                                            >He was... scared

                                            >Not just nervous, scared


                                            >You took a deep breath, giving him a smile

                                            "I think we should take a break," you said. "We can pick this up another day, okay?"

                                            >Anon blinked

                                            >"A-Are you sure, because we can--"

                                            >Kissing his cheek, you gave his shoulders a squeeze

                                            "I'm sure as sugar, baby. Why don't we just snuggle in the bed for a bit? We can shower and I'll take you out on the town later tonight. How about that?"

                                            >A look of relief flashed across Anon's face as he nodded

                                            >You carefully got out of his lap--making sure not to rub against his junk

                                            >Looking down at yourself, you frowned at your panties

                                            >You pulled them down, shimming them off and kicking them away

                                            >It'd be too uncomfortable to wear panties to bed after all

                                            >Anon's face somehow got a little redder as he stared at your groin

                                            >You just laughed, pulling him to his feet

                                            "Come on sexy. I could use a nap after all that."


                                            ~_~_~_~_~


                                            "Yo dawg! YO DAWG! LETS FUCKING GOOOOOOO!"

                                            >Be Anon

                                            >Be sitting up in the hayloft of Applejack's barn

                                            >Usually, it was so hot up here that no one would want to be here for more than two minutes, but a few days of cool wearing had made the loft pretty comfortable

                                            >You were there with BlackAnon, your buddy, your chum

                                            >You had just showed him your engagement ring

                                            >Thankfully, he seemed pretty happy, grabbing onto your shoulders and shaking you like he was

                                            >For your part, you were just smiling

                                            >Just... happy

                                            >"I was wonderin' when she was gonna pop the question," he said, bouncing on his heels. "That's awesome, bro. Happy for you."

                                            "Thanks, I am too," you replied. "Sunset said she was gonna get stuff ready for the wedding. Get people together, schedule the whole thing; stuff like that."

                                            >BlackAnon, grinning like a madman, slapped your chest

                                            >"Yo, you better be invitin' your boy," he said

                                            "Actually, I was wondering if you'd like to be my best man," you asked

                                            >Your buddy was about to say something, then stopped, as he processed just what you said


                                            >You swear the smile that came to his face was bigger than his head

                                            >He pulled you in a hug

                                            >You grunted in surprise, spine popping

                                            >"Eh yo; I'll need to pull out the good fro cream for that," he said.

                                            "So... you'll do it?"

                                            >"Cracker, if you'd have asked anybody else I'd beat your ass."

                                            >The two of you hugged for a bit before you sat down on a pair of hay bails

                                            >You were almost shaking in excitement, but even so you forced yourself to eat your lunch

                                            >BlackAnon did the same, taking a bite out of his watermelon sandwich

                                            >You had never seen anyone put watermelon on whitebeard

                                            >Must have been a Detroit thing

                                            >You pulled out your p b and j

                                            >Chunky peanut butter

                                            >As you bite into it, your buddy smacked your shoulder

                                            >"Hey, you remember that weird white boy we met when we first came here? The one your girl kicked out?

                                            "Sure. What about him?" you asked around a mouthful of sandwich

                                            >"The cracker tried to shoot Princess Luna when she was talking to the president," he said

                                            "Oh shit, really? She alright?"

                                            >"Oh yeah. Bullets don't work too well on alicorns I guess. He got arrested. They looked into his house. The place was wild; trash and piss bottles everywhere."

                                            "Piss bottles?"

                                            >"No joke. Fucker had a working toilet too. It's you fucking crackers, man. Anyways, he had this manifesto. A big, long thing about white folks being superior and how mares should be suckin' him all off."

                                            >You frowned

                                            "That's fucked up."

                                            >"Damn right. He got twenty-five for tryin' to kill a princess. I hope he don't drop the soap."

                                            "I don't know if he knew what soap was."

                                            >"HA! Well, he better learn quick. They beat your ass in prison if your ass sink."