Counting with Pinkie Pie


                                            >"Hi there, reader! My name is Pinkie Pie.

                                            >"And this is Counting with Pinkie Pie!"

                                            >"You see that house over there? That's one house, all by itself; one house.

                                            >"And inside that 'one' house is one human. The only human. Say it with me now, 'one human, one house'.

                                            >"We're going to go see him now and guess his fetish, but remember, we can only guess his fetish once.

                                            >"One house, one human, one fetish.

                                            >"Isn't counting fun?

                                            >"Okay, I'm just going to knock on his chamber door so we can guess his fetish."

                                            *knock knock knock knock* 4 knocks

                                            What? Why is there a camera following you?

                                            >"How many cameras are there?"

                                            I said 'camera' you dipshit; singular. What do you want?

                                            >"I'm here with the kids at home to guess your fetish."

                                            Kids? You mean the readers?

                                            >"Yep, I'm teaching them how to count."

                                            Pinkie, they're adults, they can count.

                                            >"What is this I'm holding, Nonny?"

                                            That would be a dildo.

                                            >"And how many dildo's is that?"

                                            Someone should teach you about grammar.

                                            >"Yepperoni, that's one whole dildo. Made out of Jello and filled with cream too. Wanna bite?"

                                            Well, that does sound good... I guess.

                                            >"Just one bite. Now kids, Anon is just gonna take one bite, only one, and -"

                                            Shut up, they get it... this thing smells.

                                            >"I may have used it one time."

                                            Oh fuck!

                                            >"Well, I inserted it lots of times, but I used it once; if that makes sense. You see, I needed to cum once before -"

                                            Shut up!

                                            >"Just take one bite!"

                                            Get that thing out of my face.

                                            >"Aw, you hit it too hard and you blasted the camera with the cum filling."

                                            You said that was cream!

                                            >"Creamy cum. Now, how many cumshots was that?"

                                            *one cunt-punt later*

                                            >"Okay kids, tune in next time when we learn to count to two.

                                            >"And you all get to see my crotchtits."


                                            >"Welcome again to counting with Pinkie Pie!

                                            >"Today we learn how to count to two... all two of you watching are going to love this.

                                            >"Seriously, more of you need to watch.

                                            >"Do you want me to live on the streets!

                                            >"Whoops, sorry kids. I need to take two lithium pills before work, and I only took one.

                                            >"Let's go see Anon and guess his fetish!

                                            >"Now, we didn't actually guess his fetish last time, so we need to do two guesses to catch up.

                                            >"So, that's why we have two dildo's this time. Count the dildo's with me, one is black, and the other is studded... we won't count the studs yet.

                                            *knock knock*

                                            Who's there?

                                            >"It's me."

                                            Goddammit, we had a fucking deal. You're only supposed to come by once in the mornings.

                                            >"But I forgot to guess your fetish."

                                            ...Are you going to go away?

                                            >"I'll give you two guesses."

                                            I'm too jaded for this shit.

                                            >"Will you give your opinion on which of these two dildo's you like better?"

                                            Did you use those too?

                                            >"What do I look like to you?

                                            I see two mares in you: the one going to crazy town, and the other too horny too care.

                                            >"Want to see my crotchtits?"

                                            Fuck no!

                                            >"Well, can I see your balls?"

                                            Are you- give me my pants back!

                                            >"Count Anon's testicles with me kids: one- hey, they can't count to five yet. Move one of your two hands, mister prude."

                                            Get away from my house!

                                            >"Sheesh, you're too grumpy to talk to right now.

                                            >"Good thing I got two cameras."

                                            Oh dear lord, is that one attached to a propeller like Dash's turtle.

                                            >"Tortoise, and yes, it's going to follow you everywhere you go. Let's count the blades!"

                                            Pinkie, please listen to me when i say that we're two "rational" individuals, and we don't have to do this to each other.

                                            >"Well, I'm getting dizzy trying to count those blades as they're going, but trust me when I say that there's two, kids."

                                            Alright, time to stop ignoring me. I have a gun, and I will shoot you, but it doesn't have to go down this way. All you have to do is leave.

                                            >"Let me give that a couple seconds of intense thought."

                                            ... well?

                                            >"Nah, but hey, I can fit both of my hooves in my ass. Now, how many hooves is that?"

                                            I'm cocking my pistol.

                                            >"Can you do it twice?"

                                            *he fires two shots from his pistol; the first was a warning shot, eventually the idea of leaving seemed appealing*

                                            >"Well, I gave him two options - dildo's or crotchtits - and too bad, he was to grumpy to answer us.

                                            >"Next week, TUne in so we can learn to count to three.

                                            >Season three that is, and hopefully a movie. Mama needs her candy money.

                                            >It only took us two episodes to run out of ideas!


                                            >"Hey kids, it's time to count to three.

                                            >"What's that? Your post number ends with three.

                                            >"How did you know that? Have you been studying on your own?

                                            >"Well stop it! You need to watch my show.

                                            >"Let's go guess Nonny's fetish; I've got a special guest on the show today, say hello to Applejack."

                                            >"What the hay? Pinkie, how did I get here? Is that Twilight's camera she's been looking for?"

                                            >"She gave it to me. Want to come with me to see Anon?"

                                            >"I was working, but okay."

                                            >"You see kids, Applejack has three white freckles on her face."

                                            >"Who are you talking to, Pinkie?"

                                            >"Let's count Applejack's freckles."

                                            >"Pinkie, stop touching my face. Why don't you just count the balloons on your cutie mark. Why are you counting anyway? How did I get here?"

                                            >"There's Nonny's house, and look, he's got three locks installed on his door. That's one more than last time, which was two, and now he has three."

                                            >"Reckon he's paranoid about something?"

                                            >"Tres locks."

                                            >"What was that?"

                                            >"Transmitido en Espanol en SAP."

                                            >"Pinkie, are you speaking trashy?"

                                            *knock knock knock*

                                            Who's- oh fuck off!

                                            >"Pinkie, does Anon seem mad about something to you?"

                                            >"Don't worry kids, all we need is three good kicks against Anon's door to break those locks. That's why Applejack is here."

                                            >"Uh, I ain't going to destroy Anon's property like that."

                                            >"Aw, why not? We need to teach the kids how to count."

                                            >"Sorry, but no means no."

                                            >"No, that's a myth. Come on, Applejack."

                                            >"Are you crazy? I wouldn't do that unless it was an emergency."

                                            >"It is, I sent Anon three red roses and he hasn't touched them yet."

                                            >"What, are you Rarity all of a sudden?"

                                            >"Fine, Applejack, I'm worried about Anon. He hasn't come out of his house in three days."

                                            >"Really?"

                                            >"Have you seen him around town?"

                                            >"Well, can't say I have."

                                            >"He's been holed up in there eating nothing but Doritos and drinking soda."

                                            >"What?! Are you serious?"

                                            >"He's not well Applejack."

                                            >"But what about the apple juice and apple slices I gave him."

                                            >"Applejack, he's going to die."

                                            >"Tarnation, not when I'm around. I'll force feed him apple pips if I have to."

                                            >"One buck!"

                                            What was that?

                                            >"Two bucks!"

                                            Are you hitting my door?

                                            >"Three bucks and it's down!"

                                            >"I'm coming Anon. Pinkie told me everything. Where is he?"

                                            >"Check the basement.

                                            >"Well, now that she's gone you can get out from under the door, silly."

                                            Get off of me!

                                            >"Are threesomes your fetish, because I know they're Applejack's."

                                            Oh god, my ribs hurt.

                                            >"Let me see... oh, you have three broken ribs Anon. And a black eye."

                                            That's from your stupid camera; it keeps flying too close to me.

                                            >"Here, let me give you three kisses to make it better."

                                            No!

                                            >"One on the eye, one on the ribs... and one -"

                                            Don't even think about it.

                                            >"Hey, you're the one not wearing pants."

                                            Because you still haven't given them back!

                                            >"Wait, get back under the door."

                                            You fu-

                                            >"Wow, your face is really comfy. I think my tushie is in love."

                                            >"Pinkie, I can't find Anon in the basement."

                                            >"Oh... (that feels so good) well did you look in the kitchen?"

                                            >"Thanks, I'll go check."

                                            >"Yeah, you go do that... oh Celestia! That's one."

                                            *drowning noises are coming from below*

                                            >"Oh, you may need some air; two minutes is alright, but three is pushing it."

                                            Fuck, it's in my black eye! It burns!

                                            >"Yeah, I'd say that's about three liters of good ol' Pinkie Punch that you got drenched in."

                                            This is supposed to be a land of harmony.

                                            >"Hey, do you love me yet?"

                                            >"Pinkie, he's not- there you are! Oh gosh, you're in worse shape than I thought.

                                            >"Look at you: broken bones, bruised skin, and sweating like a fag hog on Hearths Warming. This is what happens when you don't have an apple a day.

                                            >"Come on, get on my back, now we got to get you to a doctor."

                                            OW! Easy on me.

                                            >"Sorry, I have a natural spring in my trot."

                                            Fuck! Ow! Ah!

                                            >"Well kids, that's three cries of pain, and three shots at love by yours truly.

                                            >"Tune in next time so we can see Nonny at the hospital and watch Applejack put apple juice in Nonny's I.V.

                                            >"Want to take a wild guess as to which floor he'll be staying on?

                                            >"Hey, Nonny didn't even open my flowers. I sent him three red roses and he ignored them."

                                            *the roses spray a mist when they are touched and it turns out to be sleeping gas*

                                            *ZZZ*


                                            >"Today we read history. Four-score and seven years ago; when our founding pony's fought for the right to have interspecies sex...

                                            >"Oh, S&P isn't having that. Guess we'll have to move on to the counting.

                                            >"This is Anon's house. I slept here last night after I forgot about my booby-trapped roses.

                                            >"Heh, booby.

                                            >"Let's see what we can count inside Anon's house.

                                            >"Well, here's Nonny's dresser; it has four drawers and seven kinds of clothes.

                                            >"Shirts, socks, pants, shorts, hats, gloves, and undies.

                                            >"Now, if Nonny has four of each of these, and I take two, how many will he have left?

                                            >"Yep, none. They're all mine now.

                                            >"If I dress up in Nonny's clothes, how long will I last until I lose all control and furiously start masturbating to Nonny's overpowering scent?

                                            >"It was a trick question, because I already am. How many orgasms have I had, kids?

                                            >"You haven't been counting?! Well start, I don't do this for my health you know.

                                            >"Alright, let's just set up four more hidden cameras in Nonny's house, and we'll steal this spare key to his house from under the mat so we can make four copies of it.

                                            >"And now we can go to the hospital. Hey, do you think that leaving Nonny's door busted down like that will make him mad?

                                            >"That might be, huh? Wonder what we should do about it.

                                            *at the hospital*

                                            >"Miss Applejack, I assure you that apple juice will not be 'better' for Anonymous than the fluids in our I.V."

                                            >"Fine, but I'm making Anon drink it then. I even found these neat little cups to serve the apple juice in.”

                                            >"Well just do it soon, visiting hours are almost over. Oh, and by the way, those neat little cups are commonly used for collecting urine samples. Goodbye.”

                                            Applejack, I need to talk to you about Pinkie.

                                            >"Yep, reckon she's a hero for finding you like that and saving your life."

                                            No, I need to tell you something else.

                                            >"Well, can I go to the bathroom first?"

                                            Yeah, but hurry up. I don't like being here alone.

                                            Freaking crazy pink pony. Ruining my life with her weird ass show.

                                            *knock knock knock knock*

                                            It's open.

                                            ...

                                            Wait, my room doesn’t have a door. Who's knocking?

                                            >"It's me!"

                                            Oh fuck! What did... that door was not in that wall when I looked last.

                                            >"It's your door. I figured that you'd want it back, so I brought it to you."

                                            How? We're on the fourth floor for god's sake. You can't just... you should've fallen to your death.

                                            >"Yeah, pretty cool, huh? Here's your door."

                                            Wha- OW!

                                            >"Hey, you were supposed to catch that, not let it bonk you on the head, silly."

                                            Now there's a big hole in the wall. If they blame me for that I'm suing you.

                                            >"Well, technically your door made the hole."

                                            You made the hole!

                                            >"Nonny, I got you some get well tidings."

                                            I bet you a million bucks you didn't.

                                            >"How about four? The kids can't count to a million yet."

                                            Give me the gifts... four red roses and a homemade card.

                                            >"I drew the picture of your fingers going in my-"

                                            Yeah, I figured.

                                            >"Smell the roses."

                                            I'd rather not.

                                            >"Can I smell your fingers?"

                                            Can you get me some bandages for my bleeding head?

                                            >"Only if you smell the roses first."

                                            I know they're booby trapped.

                                            >"Heh, booby."

                                            This isn't funny!

                                            >"You're right, do I have to help you smell the roses?"

                                            No.

                                            >"Here comes the airplane, EEeeRReEEErREeeRRREe-"

                                            Would you get those out of my face!

                                            >"Oh, tough guy, are you? Well, I think it's time Nurse Pinkie gave you a sedative."

                                            I swear to god this call button for the nurse is broken.

                                            >"You're right, I do need a costume. I'll be right back."

                                            Get me out of here!

                                            >”Oh, is that apple juice? Yum, I’m taking these with me. Okay, wait right there, Nonny.”

                                            …

                                            >”Get it? It’s funny because you’re stuck-“

                                            Leave!

                                            >”Okay, sheesh.”

                                            Finally, some peace and quiet.

                                            >”I can’t believe this lowdown place doesn’t have a working toilet in the mare’s room!”

                                            Applejack, I have a headache, do you… what’s in those cups?

                                            >”My urine.”

                                            Fucking why?

                                            >”Toilet is broken, and I had to go, so I just filled up some of these cups; I found a bunch of ‘em.”

                                            That’s fucking nasty! I think I can smell them too. Pour those in the sink or something.

                                            >”No, that ain’t right.”

                                            You are literally holding cups of your piss, and you’re trying to tell me about what’s right.

                                            >”Let me just set ‘em here real quick.”

                                            Oh fuck, don’t put those by me.

                                            >”Well, it’s the only table in here. Hey, you drank your apple juice. I’m proud of you, partner.”

                                            That does it; I’m turning off.

                                            >”… Was that hole in the wall always there, or am I just slow?”

                                            Can’t help you, I’m off.

                                            >”Why is there a door on the floor? Heh, this actually kind of looks like your door.”

                                            Speaking of my door, are you going to fix it anytime soon? You did break it after all.

                                            >”For your own good, but yeah, I suppose I will. I can go do that right now.”

                                            Wait, I still need to talk to you about Pinkie.

                                            *doctor pokes his head in*

                                            >”Well, it’ll have to wait patient Anonymous, because visiting hours are over.”

                                            >”Guess there’s nothing doing. I’ll swing by tomorrow, partner.”

                                            Bye. Dammit, I really needed to talk to her.

                                            >”It’ll have to wait until tomorrow, only the nurses can see you now. I’ll send one of them in soon to check on you, goodbye.”

                                            Yeah… wait, come grab this piss first! And what about this hole in the wall? And what about my door?

                                            >”I’ve got a nurse coming by to work all that out.”

                                            At least tell me who it is.

                                            >”Hi, Nonny.”

                                            God no.

                                            >”I’m nurse Pinkemena Diane Pie, M.D.”

                                            Where did you get a nurse outfit? Someone help!

                                            >”The M.D. is short for Monkey Dick.”

                                            No it isn’t, and you’re fucking crazy.

                                            >”No I’m not, I’m Pinkie, and I’m thirsty. Oh, there’s some apple juice.”

                                            Oh god, don’t drink that, it’s Applejack’s piss.

                                            *all the piss gets drank*

                                            >”Yum, that hit the spot.”

                                            What the actual fuck is wrong with you?

                                            >”What? Applejack eats nothing but apples, her pee is pretty much apple juice. Is piss your fetish?”

                                            No!

                                            >”So, how many cups of piss juice did I drink?”

                                            Again with the damn counting? I have no idea; I was busy trying not to gag the whole time.

                                            >”Yep, four. I drank four cups of piss. Now, how many nurses did I frisk before I found one that had the keys to the storage closet?”

                                            Um… four?

                                            >Yes siree, but that was a trick question, I got the keys by doing a few favors, if you know what I mean?”

                                            Please stop licking your lips like that.

                                            >”Nonny.”

                                            What?

                                            >”By favors I meant blowjobs.”

                                            I know what you meant!

                                            >”…I’m bored.”

                                            What, you mean making my life hell isn’t thrilling for you anymore?

                                            >”Well, nurses aren’t your fetish, and I can’t get access to any drugs; I just don’t think any of this is working out the way I want it too.”

                                            I’m in the hospital.

                                            >”You’re right, let’s leave.”

                                            Um, no. I can’t- OW! Put me down! Fuck, don’t do that again.

                                            >”Well, you can’t leave as long as you’re still hurt.”

                                            Here’s an idea, you can leave.

                                            >”Wait, I got an idea. I saw this in a movie once. Where does it hurt?”

                                            You broke my ribs.

                                            >”Right. I’ll just clap my hooves together.”

                                            You better not touch me.

                                            >”Rub them vigorously for four seconds.”

                                            I’m warning you.

                                            >”One, two three, four.”

                                            Stay away.

                                            >”And then… what’s that?”

                                            What?

                                            >”And then I press down on the afflicted area!”

                                            *after much screaming a real nurse eventually came and made sure all the visitors left*

                                            Morphine… good.

                                            Hospital… good.

                                            >”Hey, kid.”

                                            Old balloon joe. I see you, with your balloon cart. What are you doing selling balloons in the hospital?

                                            >”Man, they really gave you the good stuff. You seen Pinkie Pie around?”

                                            She… might be at my door.

                                            >”Nonny, I’m hiding under here. You aren’t supposed to tell anypony.”

                                            Oh… she drank piss and is hiding.

                                            >”Right, well if you see her tell that I’d love it if she could help me out again sometime.”

                                            Alright… balloon joe.

                                            >”Yep, she’s the best when it comes to blowjobs.”

                                            Can’t be better than morphine.

                                            >”Got me there, but morphine can’t blow up over four balloons in under a minute either. I always look for her whenever I got more customers that want balloons than I can handle.”

                                            She wants my… balloons.

                                            >”Heh, well she sucks a mean dick too. I’d take her up on it. See ya.”

                                            Whatever you say, balloon joe.

                                            >”Hey, I finally know what to do with this door. I’ll just put it here so that no one in the hospital can see what I’m about to do to you. There we go, now you got your own door in your hospital room.”

                                            Yay… morphine and doors, just like home.

                                            >”And now I can go under those sheets of yours and suck your big ol’ wiener.”

                                            I… feel great right now.

                                            >”Oh, I can help with that. Just give me a little time to work the ol’ Pinkie magic again. Rub vigorously for four minutes.”

                                            There’s the camera on the propeller. It went through the hole in the wall and found us.

                                            >”Cool, now the kids can see.

                                            >”Uh, Pinkie Pie, do you know how Tank’s magic propeller got on this camera- woah!”

                                            >”Rainbow Dash!”

                                            Hey, it’s the Skittles pony. She looks mad.

                                            >”Dashie, this isn’t what it looks like.”

                                            >”Oh yes it is. I can put two and two together, and I know what’s going on.”

                                            >”What? Since when can you put two and two together? Have you been watching my show?”

                                            >”Show?”

                                            >”You want an autograph?”

                                            >”No! I want you to leave Anon alone.”

                                            >”Really? Shoot, and I was so close to sucking that dick too. Hey, do you want to be my foil?”

                                            >”Uh, no thanks. What even is that?”

                                            >”It means you’d be my nemesis who always ruins my plans. You’d be the exact opposite of me in every way. You’d be great at it, Dashie.”

                                            >”No, I don’t think so.”

                                            >”I’ll prove it. What are the names of the Wonderbolts captains?”

                                            >”That’s easy: Spitfire, Soarin’, and Fleetfoot.”

                                            >”Okay, and what number is that?”

                                            >”Do I look like a filly? There are three captains.”

                                            >”Okay, how many hoofsies do I have?”

                                            >”Pinkie, why are you asking me these dumb questions?”

                                            >”How many hoofsies do I have, Dashie?”

                                            >”I know the answer – I totally know the answer – but I just don’t want to answer it.”

                                            >”…Dashie.”

                                            >”It’s the number that comes after three! Okay?!”

                                            >”Four, silly.”

                                            >”No, I’m pretty sure that isn’t it.”

                                            >”Alright, we’ll call this one a draw, but you watch yourself, because I’ll be on the lookout for you. Bye, Nonny. Bye, New Nemesis Rainbow Dash.”

                                            >”You know I knew the answer, right?”

                                            Sure, you want these flowers?

                                            >”Give me those! Look, I’ll count them right now, one, three, four…”

                                            *the roses spray a mist, again its sleeping gas*

                                            Okay, goodnight, Rainbow Dash.

                                            >”Heh, booby trapped roses. They get me too sometimes, Dashie.”

                                            *Rainbow Dash laughs in her sleep at mention of the word “booby”*

                                            >”Well, I can always try to get in Nonny’s pants next time. And four was so close to being the score too. Guess I’ll go play around in Nonny’s clothes again.

                                            >”Tune in next time – if I’m not cancelled – so we can count the number five together.

                                            >”But mostly so you can watch me try to touch Nonny’s butt.”

                                            >”Don’t tell the executives; they have no idea.”


                                            >"Hi, kids! Today, we're going to count the number of stories in the thread.

                                            >"And here to help me do that is our special ~sexy~ guest, Nonny."

                                            Untie me!

                                            >"But if I do that you'll run away."

                                            Yes.

                                            >"And if you run away I won't be able to smell your franks and beans."

                                            That's why I want to run away. How stupid are you?

                                            >"Well, let's find out. Time for counting!"

                                            Oh, great. Now I get to look at a bunch of stories where I get molested and assaulted. I don't want a mirror. I want escapism!

                                            >"Too bad, Mr. Rad. Alrighty, this first story is by Fluttershy."

                                            Uh, what the fuck are you talking about?

                                            >"It says right here at the end... hey, this writer didn't finish their story."

                                            Pinkie, that's the joke.

                                            >"I know, they didn't finish it. Maybe something happened and they couldn't finish it."

                                            Why don't you untie me so I can go ask him.

                                            >"Okay... No! I'll finish it for them, and you can help. Okay, one sentence at a time now, 'Epilogue: Fluttershy finished her book and Anon read the rest of it.'"

                                            ...

                                            >"Okay, your turn."

                                            Um... 'and then Pinkie Pie untied Anonymous.'

                                            >"Oh, that's good. ~Let me do something to you real quick.~"

                                            No! Get away from me...

                                            >"There we go."

                                            You... untied me?

                                            >"Of course. That's how it happened in the story."

                                            ... 'Pinkie Pie then agreed to leave Anonymous alone and stop making her ridiculous counting show'.

                                            >"That's good too. Brings closure. But, what happened to Fluttershy?"

                                            She, uh... got over her shyness or something.

                                            >"Oh, a character arc. Can she lose her virginity?"

                                            I don't care. Ship her with Iron Will if you want.

                                            >"Okie dokie! Then what?"

                                            Uh, the book's over?

                                            >"But you forgot something."

                                            What'd I forget?

                                            >"You forgot to count, silly."

                                            ... son of a bitch.

                                            >"Now, let's count how many times you tell me to stop while I chase you around and try to play pat-a-cake with your butt cheeks."

                                            Pinkie, no.

                                            >"That's one!"

                                            Fuck off!

                                            >"Two! ~Squishy butt cheeks that is.~"

                                            Get off of me!

                                            >"Three! Is the number of orgasms I can have in under a minute."

                                            Shit, someone help me! Write me out of this.

                                            >"No can do. I crashed this thread at five-hundred!"

                                            I don't like this ending.

                                            >"See you next time, kids."


                                            >”Hi, readers! On this edition of Counting with Pinkie Pie we’re going to count the number of days that I haven’t pursued Nonny.

                                            >”And here to help me do that is my arch nemesis, Rainbow Dash!”

                                            >”Pinkie, I’m only here to make sure that you leave Anon alone. Why are we hiding in a bush?”

                                            >”Psst, kids, she doesn’t know that we’re totally hiding in a bush so that I can watch Nonny eat at that café over there.

                                            >”Gosh, look at him chow down on that muffin. I’d sure love it if he got down between my thighs and shoved that pastry up my ass.”

                                            >”What are you looking at over there, Pinkie?”

                                            >”Nothing! Let’s count. Now then, Dashie, I have a calendar here that I’ve drawn smiley faces and frowny faces on.”

                                            >”Why?”

                                            >”Um, well it depends on what I did that day. Anyway, I want you to count the number of days that have frowny faces on them.”

                                            >”Easy peasy. I can do that in no time. I’ve been practicing my counting since you decided to humiliate me on your show.

                                            >"I get it everypony, I know now that three doesn’t come after one. You can stop sending me mail about it now.”

                                            >”Indeed, three doesn’t come after one. I learned that in school on the same day I learned to color in the lines. I didn’t do so hot on that last one though.”

                                            >”Yeah, well let’s see here… okay one, four –“

                                            >”Wrong! Four doesn’t come after one.”

                                            >”I know that! I was just skipping ahead a bit is all.”

                                            >”Okay, we’ll buy it. You get two more chances.”

                                            >”I can do this. Okay, one, eleven –“

                                            >”Nope! That’s not it.”

                                            >”But eleven is double one. Why wouldn’t double one come after one?”

                                            >”If I told you why then you’d stop making silly mistakes. Okay, one more chance.”

                                            >”Um, but I thought I only had two chances.”

                                            *the joke is that Rainbow Dash is a horrible counter*

                                            >”Okay, obviously we need to do a brief recap of some previous episodes.

                                            >"So, ~one comes after two comes after three comes after four, Nonny’s dick is so long that it would poke me in my core~. Got it?”

                                            >”I think so. ~Da da  da do do numbers, Anon’s dick la la some words~. Okay, one, two, three, four, five… okay, one, two, three…”

                                            >”Do you need some more help with –“

                                            >”No! Just wait a second here. Okay, one, two, fi-i-i-i-i – I need a hint!”

                                            >”Sure, I can do that. The number that comes after five is the same number that is the solution to this math problem: what is ten minus four?”

                                            >”… Uh, what’s ten? Does that come, like, two after five?”

                                            *the recipient of the question simply blinks, as if the retardation was nearly unfathomable*

                                            >”Twenty-two days! I haven’t stalked Nonny’s dick for tweny-two frowny faces. That’s unacceptable. We’re here to fix that today.”

                                            >”What? Tweny-two is double two, Pinkie, and I know I said two at least, uh... a lot of times. I got to get some points for that.”

                                            >”I’ll tell you what, Dashie. Why don’t you go get an abacus so we can check your math?”

                                            >”Oh, you better believe I’m going to go get an ab scientist to check on this. Then you’ll see. And by the way, abs have six muscles. That’s why they’re called six packs.”

                                            *actually, there are five vertical sections on each side. but who gives a shit?*

                                            >”Now that Dashie is gone we can focus on Nonny. Let’s look and see what he’s doing… he’s still just sitting there and eating that muffin seductively. But we can fix that.

                                            >”Oh, he just got up to go to the bathroom, now’s our chance. Okay, I’ve got five cupcakes here for Nonny that we’re going to leave on his table. Look, I decorated them with frosting drawings.

                                            >”I used pink frosting for the bagel, and green frosting for the hot dog going in the bagel. That's called visual storytelling. Let’s go leave them on the table now…

                                            >"Now that that’s done we can go back to the bush.

                                            >”Okay, so when he comes back and – Oh, he’s back. He sees the cupcakes.  How exciting. He’s looking around all fast like. He must know that they were from me. He’s looking for me, the sweetheart.

                                            >”Aw, he’s leaving now. Seems to be running, too. Nonny doesn’t need to jog though, he’s perfect the way he is. Especially when he’s nude. We better follow him.

                                            >”Don’t worry, we won’t lose him this time.”

                                            Pinkie? Oh shit! Stay away from me!

                                            >”Alright, so now that he’s panicked he’s going to be sprinting to get away from me. Now, how many seconds long do you think he’s going to be able to do that?

                                            >”There are actually two answers to that; the first one is ‘five’, and the second answer is ‘not long enough to give me the slip’.

                                            >”Do you hear that, Nonny? I’m going to give you the slip. But I mean, like, vagina when I say it.”

                                            Why are you not in jail? Oh God!

                                            >”I saw you eating that muffing seductively. Were you thinking of me?”

                                            I was just eating a muffin! Can’t I eat a muffin in this fucking town without some shit happening?

                                            >”Oh, you bet you can. Well, I hate to cut this episode short, but you can watch the rest on the adult channels. It’s a measly 5.99 to watch me do what I do best to others.

                                            >”And I ain’t talking about teaching.”