Another Story Where Everything Goes Wrong


                                            >Twilight Sparkle was content to be on the steps outside her crystal castle, watching the commuting ponies walk the streets in the faint morning sun.

                                            >She waved to the passersby that greeted her, but she let her mind wander and soon she was thinking of her friends.

                                            >In fifteen minutes, she was going to go back inside so she could cook chili with Starlight Glimmer.

                                            >Twilight had told her that there was a friendship lesson to be found in cooking together, but, really, she just wanted to find an excuse to spend some personal time with Starlight.

                                            >That girl never liked to spend time with anyone unless there was a specific reason for doing so, like a friendship lesson, and Twilight wanted to change that about her.

                                            >Twilight was realistic about her hopes for Starlight’s progress though.

                                            >Twilight hoped that, at the very least, she could get Starlight to actually enjoy cooking chili with her—and not catch her taking down notes in her memo book.

                                            >Then there was Rainbow Dash, who had not seemed like herself lately.

                                            >All week Twilight and her friends had noticed and talked about Dash’s abstraction, and they knew that she was hiding something from them

                                            >Most likely something embarrassing for her to admit: an emotional problem, no doubt.

                                            >To friends of Dash’s, it was always easy to tell when she had a problem that embarrassed her, because she would be so focused on hiding it, on trying to appear like her usual confident self, that she’d become uptight.

                                            >She would get distracted easily, make silly mistakes;

                                            >her body would be tense, every muscle taut enough to quiver;

                                            >and her ears would point and swivel, with twitchy bird-like movement, to even the slightest sound around her.

                                            >Twilight was not worried for her, though.

                                            >She knew that Rainbow Dash would tell one of them what was bothering her eventually, whenever she felt like she was ready to.

                                            >Then of course there was always Fluttershy. But that problem had not gone away in over a year, and they had tried everything already at one time or another.

                                            >It was useless to try and change her.

                                            >At least the unlucky human seemed able to bear her obsession, treating her with the same patience and benevolence that one would with a mentally-ill family member.

                                            >Twilight had no idea how he could put up with her inappropriate behavior, but she knew that he was always a genial, kind and gentle soul—which was why Fluttershy had liked him in the first place.

                                            >The best that Twilight felt she could do to help him, was to try and bring him as much happiness with her friendship as possible.

                                            >Twilight sighed and watched as the morning sun rose steadily until its glare was blinding to her eyes.

                                            >It was time for her to go inside and start the day.

                                            >Rarity would be by soon to return a book she had rented.

                                            >Spike was sweeping in the foyer, and in her mind she could hear the bristles of his broom against the floor, the slight scratch of rhythm synchronizing with the footsteps of the human stepping in the dirt and approaching her.

                                            >She smiled from behind the glare and said hello to him. He often came by to see her on his way to work in the morning.


                                            >Twilight appeared in the foyer of her castle, following a flash of purple.

                                            >Spike, without even looking away from where he was sweeping, mechanically told her that Starlight was waiting for her.

                                            >But she did not answer him, and when he did turn to look at her he immediately stopped sweeping.

                                            >She stood stock still, not having moved from where she had teleported, and her eyes were very far away.

                                            >In her head, she was endlessly going over the incident that had just occurred on the front steps of her castle.

                                            >Why would he act that way towards her?

                                            >Was there something wrong with him?

                                            >Did she somehow prompt him to act so inappropriately without her knowing it?

                                            >And what was that noise at the door!

                                            >She looked over her shoulder fearfully. It was him. He was still out there, and now he was trying to get in!

                                            >“Are you feeling okay?” Spike said, taking a step forward. “Do you want me to answer the door?”

                                            >“No, stay back, Spike!” she screamed. “He’s probably still out there with his pants around his ankles, and I don’t want you to get hurt if he tries to come in.”

                                            >Twilight turned around and pointed her horn towards the door, ready to defend.

                                            >And Spike, not understanding what was going on but feeling nervous anyway, got behind Twilight just as the door opened.

                                            >It was the human. He was standing in the doorway with a concerned expression, but Twilight could see that that evil lingering was still in his eyes, and was directed towards her.

                                            >Spike could not see this, though. And when her horn began to glow and she viciously yelled at the human not to take another step, he said quickly:

                                            >“Wait, Twilight, what are you—”

                                            Yeah, wait, Twilight, he interrupted. Don’t you start pulling any rough stuff on me yet.

                                            >He took a step forward and Twilight sent a small but powerful beam of purple light into his chest, knocking him off his feet and pushing him down the front steps of her crystal castle.

                                            >He bounced off every step like a football, and Twilight shut the door and bolted it.

                                            >“I think we’re safe now,” she said, while her heart sought rest from all the excitement.

                                            >She turned around just in time to see Spike’s broom slip out of his shocked claws and clatter onto the castle floor.

                                            >He stared at her with his mouth slightly open. Then he threw his arms up and shouted, “Do you want to tell me just what the heck that was all about?”

                                            >Twilight apologized, and then began to summarize what had happened between her and the human outside the castle door.

                                            >“. . . And because I didn’t say anything, after he took his pants off, he said ‘We need to address the elephant in the room’ and he looked down at his—

                                            >“Well, you get the picture anyway,” she said, blushing furiously and turning away from Spike’s judging eyes.

                                            >Spike’s scales were crawling, but he was wearing a relieved expression.

                                            >“You know Twilight, I almost thought you were crazy or something,” he said.

                                            >Then, somberly, “But I guess he’s crazy instead.”

                                            >“I do think something might be terribly wrong with him,” she said anxiously. “Something in his eyes was different.”

                                            >“What exactly?” Spike asked.

                                            >Twilight thought.

                                            >“They were a strange color,” she said. “There was a smidge of dark green in them, and ruby red. And the whites of his eyes looked sooty black.”

                                            >“That sounds nasty,” said Spike. “Maybe he’s delirious. Do you think he has the flu or something?”

                                            >“No.” She thought hard. “I don’t remember where, but I know that I’ve seen those colors before.”

                                            >Just then there was a knock on the castle door, and Twilight’s nerves snapped to attention.

                                            >“Oh my gosh, he’s back,” Twilight said. “He’s going to try to get back in.”

                                            >They sensed the call to battle. Twilight pointed her horn towards the door again, and Spike picked up his broom and practiced using it as a club.

                                            >“Hello,” said a familiar voice from behind the door, which was not the human’s. “Is anypony in there?”

                                            >“It’s just Rainbow Dash,” Spike said, relieved.

                                            >“Well, I guess he can’t be out there then, if Rainbow Dash is,” Twilight said.

                                            >Twilight unbolted the door and in came Rainbow Dash; and Twilight and Spike both noticed right away that Rainbow Dash’s expression was somberly genial: a nervous smile.

                                            >“Twilight, I need to talk to you about something,” she said. “It’s kind of important, too. You got a minute?”

                                            >Twilight shut the door, but her friend’s seriousness had such a hold on her attention that she forgot to lock it.

                                            >She and Spike wore concerned expressions and asked Rainbow Dash what was wrong, and after much encouragement, and many false starts from Dash, she finally admitted that she had a bit of a problem, and that it was kind of embarrassing, and that it had been bothering her for a long time.

                                            >Her body grew hot and uncomfortable, as she told them both all about how, for a long time now, she had had a crush on the human.

                                            >She went on, and talked about how she felt that she was not allowed to have feelings for him, since Fluttershy had been after him for months without luck and she thought that it would make her a bad friend if she started flirting with him.

                                            >But then she was not even sure as to whether or not he liked her at all, until these last few weeks, when she would meet him every morning while he was walking to work and she was busting clouds.

                                            >Before that they never said more than a few words to each other, but she felt that they could become good friends, and maybe something more, with time, if they kept their ritual up;

                                            >and Twilight and Spike, while hearing all this, had to clench every muscle in their bodies and fight the urge to run away into the next room and hide until Dash had left.

                                            >“The reason I think it’s different now,” Dash said, “is because today he actually did flirt with me.”

                                            >Twilight and Spike instantly felt sick with pity, as Dash relayed to them, with a huge smile, all of the flattering things he had said to her.

                                            >He had not behaved inappropriately, like he had with Twilight; but it was still clear to Twilight that he was not acting like his usual self and that something was wrong with him.

                                            >“And I tried to play it cool,” Dash said, “but really I was so happy that I don’t think I did too good a job.”

                                            >Dash sighed and grounded her eyes.

                                            >“I’ve never actually had a special somepony before,” she said. “To tell the truth, I’m not actually sure what I should do.

                                            >“I want to go out with him, but I’m afraid I might do something stupid and mess it up. But I also know I shouldn’t go out with him, because that would hurt Fluttershy.

                                            >“But now he wants to go out with me—or at least I think he does.”

                                            >She grit her teeth and groaned in frustration.

                                            >“It’s a sappy problem, I know,” she said. “But I really need your advice on it, Twilight. You’re the only friend I could even picture myself talking to about this.”

                                            >She looked to Twilight.

                                            >“What do you think I should do?”

                                            >For the first time in years, Twilight’s mind was completely blank.

                                            >She stood there with her ears folded back and her eyes shrinking in her head, the same way paper curls up in a fire.

                                            >Dash’s sad and expectant expression was torturing her and, as if she was an emotional chameleon, Twilight’s face took on the same expression.

                                            >She turned to look at Spike, hoping that perhaps after years of being her personal assistant, and years of taking down her letters on what she had learned about friendship to Princess Celestia, maybe he would know what to say.

                                            >He regarded them both for a second before dropping his broom and raising his claws in surrender.

                                            >“Don’t even look at me, Twilight,” he said, shaking his head. “I’m not touching this one. I’m out of here. I’ll be in the other room, while you two talk it over.”

                                            >Dash gave a short, self-deprecating laugh and said:

                                            >“Sorry, Spike. I bet you never thought you’d ever hear me talking about such girly problems, did you?”

                                            >“It’s not exactly that,” he said.

                                            >Just then the door burst open and, while Twilight was trying to keep her heart from exploding and Spike was jumping for his broom, Pinkie Pie trotted into the castle.

                                            >She was humming tunelessly and was as happy and carefree as always.

                                            >“Hi girls, and Spike,” she said with a giggle. “Guess what happened to me today?”

                                            >Twilight and Spike stared at her, relieved, and a bit annoyed, as they wanted to ask her, “No. Why don’t you try and guess what’s happened to us instead.”

                                            >Dash was fully annoyed and wanted Pinkie to leave.

                                            >“No guesses, huh?” said Pinkie, her eyes darting from face to face. “I guess I get to say it then.”

                                            >She told them a story all about how the human had come into Sugar Cube Corner not even five minutes ago, and he started to flirt with her.

                                            >“He called me his little cupcake,” she said dreamily.

                                            >Then, after sticking her tongue out, “And then he said he wanted to fill my little cupcake with batter.”

                                            >And she started laughing so hard that she snorted like a piglet, while Rainbow Dash’s brow got lower and lower.

                                            >“At first, I thought he was joking,” Pinkie said, calming down. “But then, he started getting a little too eager.”

                                            >Pinkie played with the end of her mane, and then said self-consciously:

                                            >“There were times when—I’m not kidding—I thought he was going to jump over the counter at me. And then he did.

                                            >“He chased me all the way through the kitchen, until I was outside. It was kind of embarrassing, but also kind of fun. And, I mean, I always did think he was kind of cute.”

                                            >Her tone turned serious though, when she began talking about how badly it would hurt Fluttershy if she were to go out with him.

                                            >“That’s why I came to talk with you, Twilight,” she said. “Do you think we should tell Fluttershy, or should we just keep it a secret and hope that he was just having some innocent fun with me?”

                                            >Pinkie waited for answers. But Rainbow Dash was looking away from her, and Twilight and Spike were sharing nervous looks with each other.

                                            >Twilight sighed heavily, and then told Pinkie all about what had happened to her on the steps earlier.

                                            >Twilight could feel Dash’s glare directed towards her, but she did not look at her.

                                            >And when she was finished telling Pinkie her story, and she did take a peek from the corner of her eye at Dash, she saw that she was turned away from her, with her eyes shut tightly so she wouldn’t cry.

                                            >“But why is he acting so weird?” Pinkie asked Twilight.

                                            >“I don’t know,” Twilight said. “But it seems to me that, the longer we let him act this way, the worse he’s going to get.”

                                            >Then something occurred to Twilight.

                                            >“Wait a minute, if he saw me, and then you, then that means that, even though he’s sick, he’s still following his usual morning route to work.”

                                            >“Hey, yeah,” said Pinkie, thinking it over. “He always sees all of us on his way to work.”

                                            >Pinkie then looked over at Dash briefly, but, feeling confused and uncomfortable with the state she was in, thought it best not to say anything to her just yet.

                                            >“So who is he going to see next?” asked Twilight.

                                            >“I think he sees Rarity next,” said Pinkie.

                                            >Spike brought his claws up to his mouth.

                                            >“Oh my gosh,” he exclaimed. “I can’t let him hurt my fair lady Rarity.”

                                            >He picked up his broom and, holding it over his head like a sword, he charged gallantly to the door—which slammed open and flattened him against the wall when he was reaching for the handle.

                                            >Into the castle trotted Applejack, who had a look of indignation on her face.

                                            >“Twilight, I think that all that attention Fluttershy has given him has driven that human crazy.”

                                            >She then told them all about how, while she was out selling apples to the commuting ponies, he approached her stand and started haggling with her about the price.

                                            >“And I thought it was the price of my apples he was talking about,” she said. “But he was talking about buying me!”

                                            >She scanned their faces, but when she saw no look of shock or surprise, she stamped her hoof and said:

                                            >“Didn’t you hear what I just said? He said he wanted to ride me, told me I had a real nice flank.”

                                            >Pinkie was intrigued, and she backed up a bit to look at Applejack’s ass.

                                            >Applejack was about to say something harsh to her, but Twilight asked:

                                            >“What else did he say, Applejack?”

                                            >“Well, he started going on about how I had an apple bottom,” she said.

                                            >“A what?” asked Pinkie.

                                            >“He said that I had an apple bottom,” said Applejack, who was trying to cover her behind from Pinkie’s prying eyes with her tail.

                                            >“You know, now that I’m looking at it,” said Pinkie, “it is a nice flank. Really round and juicy, sort of like an apple—”

                                            >“Well stop looking at it,” she shot back. “He then said he wanted to slap my flanks till they were red, so that they’d look like an apple—why am I telling you this!

                                            >“Twilight, he embarrassed me in front of all my customers. If it wasn’t for Big Mac being there and pushing him away, I think he would’ve done something foolish.”

                                            >Twilight then told Applejack all about what had happened to her and Pinkie, and all about her theory of him following his morning routine.

                                            >“If that’s the case,” said Applejack, “then we need to catch him before he gets to Rarity.”

                                            >“That’s what I was trying to do,” they heard someone shout from behind the door.

                                            >Applejack looked around and asked where Spike was.

                                            >Soon they were peeling him off of the wall, while Applejack apologized and Twilight studied the black eye that the door had given him.

                                            >His eye was only open slightly, and all you could see of it was red, no white. The lid looked thick and swollen.

                                            >They wanted to stay and put ice on his eye, but Spike was complaining that they needed to get to Rarity before something really bad happened to her.

                                            >“If he’s only getting worse,” Spike said, “then who knows what could happen when he gets to her.”

                                            >“Spike is right,” said Applejack. “Rarity is a lady, after all. She might not be able to handle what that wolf has got in store for her.”

                                            >Just then the door opened, and they all turned around in time to see Rarity entering.

                                            >She had her saddlebags on, and she was humming sweetly a melody from one of her favorite violin concertos.

                                            >When she closed the door behind her and turned to see that nearly all of her friends were there, she stopped and looked at them all with one of her eyebrows raised.

                                            >“Am I interrupting something?” she asked.

                                            >Soon she was gently applying ice to Spike’s eye and listening to Twilight’s summary of what the human had been doing to them that morning.

                                            >And the more she listened, the more her snout wrinkled and her cheeks shrouded themselves in pink.

                                            >“We think something is wrong with him,” Twilight said.

                                            >“And I should agree with you,” she said loudly. Then she added, under her breath, “He didn’t even look at me when I passed him this morning.”

                                            >“So, you’re all right then?” Twilight asked.

                                            >“Yes,” said Rarity.

                                            >“Good,” said Applejack. “We were really worried about you.”

                                            >“Thank you for the compliment,” Rarity said.

                                            >“There has to be a reason,” Twilight said, “for his acting this way. Ponies don’t just change overnight.”

                                            >“Well, he did,” said Pinkie.

                                            >“But I wonder how that could have happened,” said Twilight. “How could something like that happen?”

                                            >Just then Twilight’s door opened again (for what is hopefully the last time in this monotonous story) and they could all see a yellow snout pushing its way through.

                                            >It was Fluttershy. Her body got halfway through the open door before she stopped in her tracks.

                                            >Why were her friends all in the foyer?

                                            >Why were they all looking her way?

                                            >And what was that specific emotion that was diffusing on their faces?

                                            >“Um, if this is a bad time. . .” she said anxiously, as she took a step back outside.

                                            >“Fluttershy,” said Twilight.

                                            >“Um, yes?”

                                            >“Get back in here.”

                                            >“Okay.”

                                            >Once she was back inside, Twilight and the others began grilling her on the human’s strange behavior. They wanted to know if she had anything to do with it.

                                            >“Well, I was hoping to talk to Twilight about something,” she said.

                                            >“And that is,” Twilight said leadingly.

                                            >Fluttershy told them all that, well, she may or may not have been studying some certain topics.

                                            >And that late at night, when the moon was shrouded in dark clouds, she may have gotten involved in some practices and rituals that she should not have.

                                            >Said rituals, it was believed in some circles, which may or may not be reliable sources of information, could have possessing effects on chosen individuals—

                                            >“You used dark magic to get him to love you!” Twilight said.

                                            >Fluttershy bit her lip and nodded sheepishly.

                                            >“Really, he’s only possessed,” she said. “It’s just a lust demon.”

                                            >“Just a lust demon!” Twilight screamed; she was starting to lose control of her voice, what with all the combined stress of that morning getting to her.

                                            >“Well, that explains it all,” said Spike.

                                            >Fluttershy had been so distracted by her own anxiety, that she had not noticed Spike’s black eye until then.

                                            >“Oh, Spike, what happened to your eye? He didn’t come after you as well, did he?”

                                            >“No,” he said. “I got this from the door.”

                                            >Fluttershy placed her hoof over her chest and sighed in relief, and Spike asked her what she thought had happened to him.

                                            >“Oh, well, I thought he might have taken his. . . his thingie—you know, let’s just forget about it. Is that okay?”

                                            >Spike stared at her for a while, and then walked out of the foyer without saying anything.

                                            >And when he was out of the room, he heard the door slam open again, and at that moment he wondered why he had not left the room when he said he was going to earlier and he felt regretful at the great loss he had just suffered in his life.

                                            >The human had kicked the door to the castle open.

                                            Lock up the kids, because dad’s home early today.

                                            >At some point in his daily journey he had lost his pants, and he was only wearing his boxers.

                                            >His shirt and shoes were also missing, and his penis was hanging out from the slit in his boxers.

                                            >But despite his appearance, Rarity straightened her mane, and then approached him, her histrionic woes already pre-rehearsed in her mind.

                                            >“I can only assume that you have come back for me,” she said, placing a hoof over her head, ready to swoon.

                                            >He gathered Rarity in his arms, grunted, and then tossed her over his shoulder. She went down the steps of the castle, hitting each one, and then he closed the door and bolted it.

                                            >He turned then. His eyes locked with Fluttershy’s and they stared at each other for a long time.

                                            >They were communicating in the oldest way now.

                                            >Their eyes looked inert, but they trembled so slightly at the sight of each other and gave off such a brightness that could only exist and did only exist in the realms of love.

                                            >Soon she was in his arms, her tail rubbing his groin while their lips moved together like the tide moves on the shore, pushing and pulling, giving and taking, life and love.

                                            >“Fluttershy, what are you doing?” yelled Twilight. “We weren’t finished talking.”

                                            >“I’ll get her,” said Applejack. “But I’ll need some help.”

                                            >She looked around for Rainbow Dash, but she wasn’t there.

                                            >Dash had left for darker and more secluded parts of the castle as soon as they had scooped each other into their arms. She felt alone, humiliated and ashamed; and she had a lot that she needed to think about.

                                            >“I’d love to, Twilight, really,” said Fluttershy. The human was kissing her neck now and she was wriggling and breathing heavily.

                                            >“But can’t you see that he’s overpowered me?” she said as she pushed gently on the top of his head, leading him to kiss lower.

                                            >Twilight groaned, rolled her eyes and turned away from their display.

                                            >Applejack snorted.

                                            >“Pinkie, help me separate them,” she said.

                                            >“Are you kidding?” said Pinkie, popcorn in hoof. “This is even better than looking at your apple bottom.”

                                            >“So. . .” said a new voice from the back of the foyer.

                                            >They all turned to meet Starlight Glimmer’s confused expression. She was wearing an apron and a chef’s hat.

                                            >She regarded them all, and then said to Twilight:

                                            >“Are we still going to cook chili?”

                                            >“No,” said Twilight.

                                            >Fluttershy and the human had already gone back to celebrating their physical union.

                                            >Pinkie was watching, and Applejack was glaring at Pinkie.

                                            >Rarity was knocking on the door, weakly, because her hoof had split in the fall.

                                            >Spike and Rainbow Dash needed to be found.

                                            >And Twilight regarded all of this tiredly.

                                            >“No, we’re not cooking chili anymore,” she sighed. “We’ve got about a dozen different friendship problems to solve today.”

                                            >“Oh,” said Starlight; and then she pulled her memo book out of the front pocket of her apron and smiled contently.