Ponyville's Fortress


                                            >You got up that morning, poured yourself a bowl of Cinnamon Oats Crunch, and waited for Fluttershy to come knock on your chamber door.

                                            >She wasn’t the only obsessed pony that you had after your HMD, but she was the one that came every day.

                                            >Which was sort of a blessing in disguise, since she was the easiest one to handle.

                                            >Some questions in life are very easy to answer.

                                            >The reason kids like the taste of Cinnamon Oats Crunch, for instance, is because one of the ingredients in the cereal happens to be sugar.

                                            >Some questions in life have no answer.

                                            >Here’s one: a human wakes up one day to find that he now exists in a world where sapient Technicolor ponies are the dominant species, how did he get there?

                                            >The answer, of course, is that he doesn’t even know.

                                            >And there are some questions in life where the answer just doesn’t matter.

                                            >Like why in the world would any of these ponies find you attractive?

                                            >The answer is that it doesn’t matter.

                                            >Because those ponies that do like you all seem to have either mental or communicational difficulties anyway.

                                            >It’s the only answer you can think of. These ponies are basically people, except in the ways that they aren’t—which are many.

                                            >Ask them why they love you, and you’ll just get a stupid answer like “Oh, there’s just something about you I can’t resist” or something else just as vague.

                                            >So it boils down to this: There are crazy ponies in Equestria, just the same as there were crazy people back on Earth.

                                            >The real problem here is that, because you’re an alien now, you naturally attract the crazy ones to you.

                                            >At least you’re bigger than them, and thus can usually handle yourself just fine whenever they get too forward with you.

                                            >Other than that though, life remains to be lived.

                                            >So you looked at the back of the cereal box, to see if there was an activity to amuse yourself with.

                                            >But there was just a cutout activity.

                                            >Those always suck.

                                            >This one wanted you to cut out the square along the dotted lines, fill in the blanks with information, and then have you mail it to their headquarters.

                                            >‘Make Your Own Bill of Legislature’ it said. ‘That’s right, fillies and colts, now you too can pass laws just like the grownups do! All you got to do . . .’

                                            >It’s such bullshit. You were hoping that it was going to be a maze or something. Those kick ass.

                                            >Just then the knock at your door that you were waiting for led you from your chair to see what was in store.

                                            >You put on the most unenthusiastic look you can muster and opened the door.

                                            >There was no one there, but you looked down and saw a note on your doorstep.

                                            >It read, ‘This Note is a Distraction’.

                                            A distraction for what?

                                            >The sound of shattering glass crawled up your back.

                                            >From behind you came grunting, and the dull thuds of clumsy limbs trying to find footing; all signs of an inexperienced burglar.

                                            >But the perpetrator, whoever she was, was making way too much noise for her to be Fluttershy.

                                            >You didn’t turn around right away. It was so nice earlier, how you were just eating cereal and letting your mind wander, and enjoying yourself.

                                            >But now some conflict had come up that you just knew you were going to have to deal with.

                                            >It’s so fucking boring sometimes, solving conflicts.

                                            >Turning around, you saw Princess Luna, surrounded by broken glass, wincing as she got up out of the awkward position she had fallen into on your floor.

                                            >She rubbed her neck, and then noticed that her sister was stuck in your broken kitchen window, making her snicker in Celestia’s flustered face.

                                            >Luna tried to pull Celestia through your broken kitchen window, but she was stuck down by her waist and whenever Luna tugged Celestia cried in pain.

                                            >“We must advance, dear sister.”

                                            >“I’m trying,” Celestia said with a grunt.

                                            >“Perhaps if you twist—”

                                            >“I am twisting!”

                                            >“Well, maybe if you sucked in your stomach—”

                                            >“I am!”

                                            >“Are you sure?”

                                            >“Yes. I’m sure.”

                                            >“Then you must suck it in more.”

                                            >“I can’t do that. I’m already sucking it as much as I can.”

                                            >Luna snapped and said:

                                            >“Well, surely you can suck in more than enough to get your backside through a window.”

                                            >“What’s that supposed to mean?” Celestia asked indignantly

                                            >“Nothing at all,” Luna said innocently. “But perhaps if you just wiggled your great posterior a bit more—”

                                            >Celestia stretched her arms forward in an attempt to throttle her sister.

                                            >But it was to no avail, and Luna goadingly called her “Big Sister” when she struggled further.

                                            >It had been a while since you’d seen these two.

                                            >These two rulers of Equestria both belonged to the club of crazy ponies who were obsessed with you that you had mentioned earlier.

                                            >It was a good thing that they hadn’t yet noticed you, because they were very powerful, and could sometimes prove themselves to be more than you could handle on your own.

                                            >So far they hadn’t raped you yet, as they were usually too busy with their duties to actively bother you.

                                            >They did occasionally give you a rough time, though; but you had always escaped them thus far, either through luck or by virtue of your own superior human strength™.

                                            >But they were still not to be trifled with though, and you were going to have to tackle this conflict with some finesse.

                                            You jerks, you screamed at them. What the fuck are you two doing in my house?!

                                            >They froze in place, as your outburst had taken their breath away, and you smiled confidently.

                                            >Because now you knew that they were nervous. And you showed them that you were angry, that you meant business, that—

                                            >Celestia groaned and said to her sister:

                                            >“I thought you said you had placed a good distraction at his doorstep.”

                                            >“Are you questioning my methods!”  Luna exclaimed. “My distraction was adequate enough for our sojourn until your big butt bumped us into this predicament we are stuck in.”

                                            >Celestia’s face was red, and so was yours.

                                            >What drove you crazy about these two was that, they were both so powerful and capable, that they paid you very little mind whenever they were trying to rape you.

                                            What are you two doing here!

                                            >“If you must know,” Luna said, “we had come here with the purpose of purloining your drawers.”

                                            >That couldn’t have been all, but it was a start.

                                            >“Don’t tell him that, Luna,” Celestia said concernedly.

                                            >But Luna, ignoring her sister, continued:

                                            >“Once they were in our possession, we were going to sniff them verily until we were driven mad with lust.

                                            >“And then, when we were blinded by our urges, we were going to storm your house, overwhelm you, and eventually have our way with your heavenly body.”

                                            >Your heart jumped into your throat. In Luna’s eyes you could see that she had no shame in her confession.

                                            >You looked to Celestia, who smiled awkwardly.

                                            >“It is not really as bad as she’s making it seem,” she said with a careless wave of her hoof.

                                            >Seeing how you were unfazed, she continued, “We were going to take your underwear, but the rest was pure fantasy, I assure you.”

                                            Well I don’t like your fantasies—and those aren’t something that you should go around sharing with others willy-nilly anyway.

                                            >“That’s why we only shared it with you,” Luna said with a suggestive wave of her eyebrows.

                                            In that case, I’d rather you did share it willy-nilly with others.

                                            >“Pardon me,” said Celestia, “but I’m getting the vibe that our presence is not welcome at the moment.”

                                            >You pursed your lips at her, unamused.

                                            >“But I’m afraid that we can’t leave,” said Celestia with a grunt, as she twisted in the window. “Or, at least I can’t, being that I’m a bit stuck at the moment.”

                                            Right. Oh, thanks for breaking my window, by the way.

                                            >“It was a grand entrance,” said Luna with pride. “If only you had seen how graceful I had been.”

                                            Okay, Luna, there’s no reason you can’t leave.

                                            >“I have to take your garments first,” said Luna, casually trotting out of the kitchen.

                                            >You were going to go after her, but Celestia grunted again and you realized that, until she was free, neither of them would leave.

                                            >Besides that, your drawers, after numerous thefts, were all under lock and key now.

                                            >And, to make sure nobody fucked with it, you had Zecora enchant the lock.

                                            >So you grinned in triumph, knowing that Luna was shit out of luck when she got up there and saw that monster lock you bought guarding your dresser.

                                            >Celestia was resting from a previous thrashing towards freedom when you approached her.

                                            >She smiled at you with flushed cheeks and heavy breath.

                                            >You took her front hooves and pulled her, but she would not budge.

                                            >You thought aloud:

                                            Your hips are wedged in my window, and you didn’t make it in far enough to be pulled through.

                                            >She spoke up quickly:

                                            >“Perhaps if you pushed me from outside, while I pushed from where I am, I would come out.”

                                            Yeah, that could work. I’ll—

                                            >From the hall you heard Luna say, “So that was your plan all along then!”

                                            >She came into the room, your fifteen-pound lock, now broken, in her magical aura.

                                            >Fucking Zecora.

                                            >Luna eyed her sister with a sly, knowing smile.

                                            >“Your plan was clever, dear sister. But now, only when you are ready to reap its benefits, do I see its inner mechanisms laid out before me.”

                                            >You looked at Celestia, confused, and she again waved a hoof to dismiss her sister.

                                            >“Oh, do not fall for her coy act,” Luna said to you. “I know now that my big sister has been planning this for a while now.”

                                            I’m not falling for it, you said. Thanks for breaking my lock, by the way.

                                            >Luna ignored you, her eye still pointed at her sister.

                                            >“The lack of self-control around sweets and the increase in your sloth were baffling to me once, but now I know the reason for your actions, dear sister.”

                                            >Luna pointed an accusatory hoof at her.

                                            >“To put it in layman’s terms: You got fat on purpose, knowing that you would get stuck in this very window and thus force him to vigorously push on your flanks to get you out!”

                                            >Luna, quite pleased with herself, sighed and held her head up high.

                                            >“You might as well admit I’m right, because I know I am.”

                                            >A polite strain on your manners, for Celestia’s sake, kept you from laughing aloud at the absolute stupidity of Luna’s outburst.

                                            >“Well, you figured it out,” Celestia said bitterly to her sister. “You didn’t have to ruin two months of work for me though.”

                                            Excuse me?

                                            >“You should have told me about such a plan,” said Luna. “We could have had great fun reaping the benefits together.”

                                            >Her face pinched in sadness and she turned away from her sister.

                                            >“You could have told me,” she said. “But instead I felt left out.”

                                            >“I didn’t know that,” said Celestia apologetically. “You have a great body, and I wouldn’t want you to ruin it. I was already getting fat, so it was no loss to me.”

                                            >“Do not say such harsh things about yourself, sister,” Luna said, turning back. “You are a great beauty, and that is why you rule the brilliant sun.”

                                            >“You really think so?” Celestia asked

                                            >“Of course I do. Even when I tease you, I think that.”

                                            >“I had no idea. I really thought . . .”

                                            >They shared a tender smile with each other, their understanding eyes telling of a bond that valued love over all other feelings.

                                            >The two of them embraced, and then looked over at you, both chuckling in embarrassment.

                                            >“I hope our little moment didn’t make you feel awkward,” said Celestia

                                            Oh, I’m so touched you remembered me. Why are you motherfuckers still in my house!

                                            >Luna trembled at your outburst, and then said, “I have never gotten so aroused so quickly after a moment of tenderness.”

                                            >She took a heavy step towards you, and you took a tentative step backwards.

                                            >“This must be how passionate lovers feel,” she said as she stared at you.

                                            >You watched her hunger grow, feeling like you were a caged animal.

                                            >“We must mate, before such a feeling is gone,” she said as she jumped towards you.

                                            >But thankfully Celestia grabbed her sister’s tail with her magic, stopping her from assaulting you.

                                            >She calmed her sister’s excitement; and Luna, regaining her composure, said:

                                            >“You must forgive me my outburst, as these have been very eventful times. But it is not yet the right time to inflict my desires upon you.”

                                            >She humbly smiled at you.

                                            Whatever. Let’s just get your sister out of my window.

                                            >You pointed at Luna.

                                            And you’re going to be the one pushing from outside, got it?

                                            >The two sisters shared a look of horror with each other.

                                            >But then, as if they had shared a secret in those looks, they both regained composure and Luna’s horn began to glow.

                                            >Luna shot a loud, violet beam at her sister, and the flash from it blinded you.

                                            >Vision returning, you saw that Celestia was free and brushing her coat of the debris that was on it, as your wall now had a big hole blasted in it.

                                            >“Well, I’m glad that business is over with,” said Celestia. “I was beginning to cramp.”

                                            >“Verily. I do love you sister, but not enough to push on your flanks in such a way.”

                                            >“I do not expect you to love me so much.”

                                            My fucking wall!

                                            >Fueled by your anger, you began pushing the two horses out of your house.

                                            Get the fuck out of my house! Now!

                                            >But you then felt them pick you up with their magic, and they held you up in the air, where you thrashed and cursed.

                                            >“We feel that we must explain something to you now, that we were originally going to keep from you,” said Celestia.

                                            >“This is no longer your house,” said Luna. “We have taken it for ourselves on the grounds that it is of incomparable military wealth, strategy wise.”

                                            Like hell!

                                            >Luna presented you the paperwork of their claims, which was just the Make Your Own Bill of Legislature game on the back of the Cinnamon Oats cereal box.

                                            >It looked like they had filled out the necessary info.

                                            >You were upset.

                                            I can’t believe it. You two couldn’t even be arsed to use any official paperwork for your retarded scheme.

                                            >“Well, we are very busy on any given day,” said Celestia.

                                            You assholes! You’re insulting me with this kids shit!

                                            >“You can still live here,” said Celestia, ignoring you.

                                            >“But this is no longer your property. The government has acquired it, for it is in the interest of national security that this spot be fortified.”

                                            >Just then six members of the Royal Guard filed into your house, and Luna started giving them some orders.

                                            So . . . you’re going to turn my house into a fortress?

                                            >“No. We are the fortress!” Luna exclaimed with pride.

                                            >“We’re the two most powerful ponies in Equestria,” Celestia explained. “We’re all that a proper fortress really needs for protection.”

                                            >“The guards are here merely to serve us,” said Luna.

                                            >There was a silence after that, and as they smiled at you the full weight of your predicament bared down.

                                            >These two crazy powerful rapists could now by law live with you in your home.


                                            >You struggled.

                                            >“Is it really so bad? I honestly do not see what the big deal is?”

                                            >You still struggled. Celestia watched you curiously for a bit, then shrugged and started eating her cereal again.

                                            >“Well, if you feel that you must try to break free”—she made a gesture of free will towards you—“then by all means, you do so.”

                                            Oh, I will, you fucking bitch, you said viciously to her.

                                            >Celestia hummed, but was uninterested in you at the moment.

                                            >She kept eating her cereal—which was really your cereal that she just helped herself to.

                                            >The two of you were sat at your table. But you had been bound by ropes and clear tape to your seat.

                                            >You wiggled in your restraints again.

                                            >“We said that we were going to free you eventually,” she said. “There’s really no need for such effort.”

                                            And when I do break free, I’m running right to Twilight, you said, ignoring her. I’ll get her to use the Elements on you two.

                                            >Celestia started slurping at her milk, but she still nodded pedantically at what you were saying.

                                            Seriously, I’ll say that you and your sister have lost your minds, have both now become threats to Equestria, and would be better off as a couple of memorial statues in—

                                            >The loud flash of a spell being cast filled the kitchen with blinding blue light, interrupting you.

                                            >When your vision returned, you first heard “Darn this accursed memory of mine” and you knew then that it was Luna.

                                            >She had been trying to fix your wall with her magic for an hour now, with little success, as she had forgotten the specific spell that she needed.

                                            >After they had restrained you—as a precaution, in case you went AWOL and gave away the location of their fortress to an enemy scout, according to Celestia—they asked you if there was anything they could do to make you more comfortable with the idea of living with them.

                                            >Assisted suicide was vetoed.

                                            >So you asked them for something that you thought would be simple for them: fix your wall.

                                            >Luna offered her services, saying that she got first dibs on quality time with you if she succeeded.

                                            >But she’d only made things worse, since she started trying to help.

                                            >Now you not only had a pile of debris on the floor where there was once a complete wall.

                                            >No, that just wasn’t good enough.

                                            >Now it was a flaming pile of debris.

                                            >Luna put a force-field around it until the smoke smothered the fire.

                                            >Then she came to the table, plopped down in her chair and kept her head down in anger.

                                            >As you were trying to keep as quiet as possible, to avoid another of Luna’s mood swings, Celestia slurped her milk again, the sucking sound lapping the air for half of a minute.

                                            >She set the bowl down, smacked her lips, and then said:

                                            >“Are you having some difficulties, little sister?”

                                            >“Button thine lip, fatso,” she sneered in response.

                                            >“This fatso,” she said, “now has first dibs on quality time with The Bazooka.”

                                            >They said you needed a new military nickname, for the fortress, and they went with The Bazooka for some reason.

                                            >Celestia smiled sweetly at her sister, in spite of the opposing frown, before turning her attention back to her milk.

                                            >“Not like you’ll make him blow, anyway,” Luna said bitterly, just to have the last word.

                                            >“Guard!” Luna barked.

                                            >One of the Royal Guards came to Luna’s aid.

                                            >He stood at attention and awaited orders.

                                            >Luna, without even looking at him, told him to get her a cart of Moon Pie’s.

                                            And fix my wall, while you’re at it, you said as he passed.

                                            >“No!” said Luna. “I will fix your wall, when I remember the spell. I just need my brain food first.”

                                            >If that’s the case, then she’ll need a buffet.

                                            >“Get me a lot of Moon Pie’s!” she screamed to him before he had time to exit.

                                            >“You’re going to eat yourself into a coma again,” said Celestia knowingly; but Luna ignored her.

                                            >Except for the sound of your chair rocking on the floor, as you tried to escape, it was quiet at the table for a while.

                                            >A guard brought Celestia the morning paper and she turned immediately to a page in the middle.

                                            >As her eyes scanned the page, she chortled.

                                            >She showed the page to Luna, who also laughed.

                                            >“The funnies are amusing today,” she said.

                                            >“I knew you’d like that one,” Celestia said.

                                            >These bitches are ignoring you again.

                                            >And while you’re trying to escape, too!

                                            >They think you’re such a small threat to them. That you can’t escape.

                                            >You’ll show them.

                                            >You released your greatest effort of wiggling, putting your entire body into it.

                                            >And that’s when your chair fell forward, and your face landed in the bowl of cold cereal that you had been eating before.

                                            >Now your face was stuck.

                                            >Bubbles were forming in the milk as the breath you were holding escaped from your nose.

                                            >It occured to you that, technically, you could drown this way.

                                            >You wouldn’t mind dying before the princesses got to use you, honestly.

                                            >But dying in a bowl of soggy cereal, well, there was just no dignity in that.

                                            >And just then, you ran out of breath. Your drowning had officially begun.

                                            >Those bitches, they could have saved you anytime they felt like it.

                                            >So what the fuck were they waiting for?

                                            >Just then you heard Luna guffaw in laughter.

                                            >“These comics are really killing you,” said Celestia.

                                            >“What?”

                                            >“You find them humorous.”

                                            >“Well, yes. And I do not see what death has to do with that.”

                                            >“It’s just an expression. You haven’t heard it at all since you’ve been back?”

                                            >“No. The world is so different from what it was.”

                                            >“Some of it is good, though.”

                                            >“Oh, yes.”

                                            >There was a pause. You heard the newspaper fold.

                                            >“Oh shoot. Is he dying?”

                                            >“Pull him out.”

                                            >Magic lifted you until your chair sat securely on the floor again.

                                            >You coughed up the milk which sat in your throat and, later, a guard came to wipe the soggy cereal squares that were stuck to your cheek.

                                            >You grimaced. The whole act was just humiliating to you.

                                            >There was no reason you could not clean yourself—if those bitches would have just untied you!

                                            >“Now do you see why you shouldn’t struggle?” Celestia said. “You could’ve gotten hurt.”

                                            >“Verily,” said Luna. Then, turning to her sister, “And just imagine how boring the rutting would be, if he were to die.”

                                            >You had to get out of there somehow.

                                            >But you were helpless in that state.

                                            >Just then there was a knock at the door.

                                            >“My Moon Pies,” Luna said, as she trotted to answer.

                                            >Wait, why would one of the guards. . .

                                            >“We shall feast tonight,” she said, opening the door—only to stare in shock at a very confused Fluttershy on your front step.

                                            >“Princess Luna, what are you doing here?” she asked, a bit wary of her after hearing her last comment about eating (perhaps some old Nightmare Night anxieties never die).

                                            Go get Twilight! Fluttersh—

                                            >After that first scream Celestia pushed your chair forward with magic and soon you were drowning again, while she looked the other way, pretending not to notice.

                                            >Fluttershy tried to enter after hearing your call, but Luna blocked her with every step.

                                            >And when she tried to look past her, Luna spread her wings so that she couldn’t see anything.

                                            >Fluttershy backed away and looked at the princess firmly.

                                            >“What’s going on in there?”

                                            >Luna took on a very professional air, and then produced the back of the box where they had written their legislature.

                                            >She began her decree, informing Fluttershy that she was trespassing on government grounds, and thus impeding military progress with her illegal actions.

                                            >Luna went on to say that if she did not leave she would be arrested and face serious legal consequences.

                                            >Now if Fluttershy had heard any of this, it’s possible she would have just backed away slowly from the imposing princess.

                                            >But she had not listened from the start, and while Luna had been talking she had snuck past her and found the sordid scene of illegal actions that were happening on government property.

                                            >Panicked, she first pulled you out of the cereal and made sure you were alright.

                                            >Then the predictable barrage of questions came, which Celestia (and eventually Luna) pleaded ignorance to.

                                            >Upon realizing that she was not going to break through their stubbornness, Fluttershy hovered in the air, crossed her arms, and looked down on them with disappointment on her face.

                                            >“I just can’t believe how selfish you two have acted this morning,” she said, “coming into his home uninvited, breaking part of his wall, kidnapping him against his will, just so that later you can take advantage of him.”

                                            >And she went on in this vein, which was effective enough to make the guards turn away from the scene in embarrassment.

                                            >By the end of Fluttershy’s speech, Princess Celestia and Luna both looked very ashamed.

                                            >Even though all the shit she reprimanded them for were all things that she done to you before, you were still happy that she seemed to be getting through to them.

                                            >You just really hoped that, if she did get through to them, they would untie you first before leaving you alone with her.

                                            >“Now,” Fluttershy said, “I think that the two of you owe this poor human an apology.”

                                            >She gestured over to you and the princesses looked out from their downturned brows to meet your eyes.

                                            >“We’re sorry,” Celestia said weakly.

                                            >“Sorry,” said Luna.

                                            >Fluttershy urged them to do better, and soon they had apologized to you at least a dozen times.

                                            >It was actually kind of nice seeing them humble themselves before you for a change.

                                            >Fluttershy must’ve noticed the surprised smile on your face, because she was staring sweetly at you now.

                                            >Her eyes were bright with happiness and her smile was humble, as if to say “This is what you deserve”

                                            >And by the time you saw the roll of tape being levitated by blue magic behind her shoulder, with a rope not far behind snaking up her back, you knew it was too late to warn her.


                                            Why couldn’t you just go get Twilight?

                                            >“I thought I was helping.”

                                            You were, for a while. But then you got distracted, while I was still tied up!

                                            >“I thought they had empathized with your plight.”

                                            They’re rapists, Fluttershy. They’re crazy, fucking rapists, and they have no empathy to give. You, of all ponies, should’ve known that.

                                            >“I’m so sorry.”

                                            Oh, just shut up.

                                            >You and her were side by side, with her tied up in another chair.

                                            >A couple guards were watching you both while Celestia and Luna were doing something in some other room.

                                            >Whatever it was, you were sure that it did not bode well for you.

                                            >“What do you think they’re going to do with us?”

                                            Well, I know what they’re going to do to me.

                                            >“Oh, how awful.”

                                            Be quiet.

                                            >Then, a bit hopefully, you said:

                                            Hey, I just thought of something.

                                            >“What?”

                                            Maybe they’ll rape you, too.

                                            >“What!”

                                            As payback or something.

                                            >“But I don’t want to be raped.”

                                            Well shit, Fluttershy, who does?

                                            >This sentiment didn’t seem to comfort her at all.

                                            >Good. You didn’t want to comfort her.

                                            >“Hello,” said a new voice.

                                            >All eyes turned to the corner of the room, where out of the hole in the wall came hovering a grey pegasus pony with honey-colored mane and eyes that were slightly askew.

                                            >She was carrying her saddlebag full of mail.

                                            Derpy, you called to her.

                                            >Her head swiveled towards you, with one eye facing forward and the other more interested in something towards the east.

                                            >You’ve trained yourself to just look at her muzzle when speaking to her.

                                            >She lit up when she saw you, and, looking at the ropes, she wondered aloud if you were doing some kind of magic trick with Fluttershy.

                                            >“Can I watch, if you are?”

                                            >Then, hitting her head with her hoof, she said:

                                            >“Oh, I almost forgot to tell you. You have to replace your mailbox.”

                                            My mailbox? Why?

                                            >“Well,” said Fluttershy, “you see, for today’s fetish guess, I wanted—”

                                            I want my mailbox back when we get out of this, you said to her sternly.

                                            >Derpy landed and approached you, prompting one of the guards to step in front of her.

                                            >“I’m afraid you can’t be here, ma’am,” he said. “This is government property that you’re trespassing on.”

                                            >Derpy scrunched her muzzle and then reached in her saddlebag.

                                            >“But I work for the government.”

                                            >She presented her post office identification to them.

                                            >The guards looked at each other and then asked her if she had official business.

                                            >She nodded, her id still in her mouth, then put it away and said:

                                            >“He needs his mail”—she pointed at you—“and I’m the delivery mare.”

                                            >The guards looked unsurely at each other.

                                            >“That makes sense,” one of them said.

                                            >“I guess we should let her see him,” said the other.

                                            >They moved to a remote corner of the room and Derpy was at your feet now.

                                            >“So how has your day been,” she said nonchalantly.

                                            >“If I had to guess,” she said, one eye going over your ropes again, “I’d say pretty swell and full of fun myself.”

                                            >You sighed and wondered how Derpy, who just reasoned a guard into disobeying a direct order from both princesses, could still be so stupid.

                                            Derpy, listen to me. You have to go tell Twilight something for me.

                                            >“Oh, that’s the route I’m taking now,” she said. “What do you want me to tell her?”

                                            >You needed to phrase this carefully for Derpy.

                                            >Not only was she kind of stupid, but you were also unaware of how much she knew about your rapist situation.

                                            Okay, this is going to sound weird, but Princess Celestia and Luna are in my house right now.

                                            >She looked at you with one disbelieving eye.

                                            I’m serious. They’re somewhere in my house right now.

                                            >She blew a raspberry and told you to stop kidding her.

                                            Goddammit, Derpy. Why else would the fucking guard be here?

                                            >“It’s true,” said Fluttershy.

                                            >“Yeah,” said one of the guards in the corner. “I’m missing my mom’s birthday for this.”

                                            >Derpy looked around the room, then put on a thoughtful face (but with one eye watching your old bowl of cereal).

                                            >Then she blinked once, for a moment aligning her eyes, and said slowly to you:

                                            >“They’re really here.”

                                            Yes. And—

                                            >Derpy opened her mouth in shock and let loose an excited wail, similar in sound to a shrill whistle.

                                            >You nearly had a heart attack. Even the guards in the corner recoiled from it.

                                            >“I can’t believe it,” she said, hovering slightly in the air from happiness. “They’re really here.”

                                            Would you shut—

                                            >“You don’t know,” she said, “just how badly I’ve wanted to meet the princesses all these years.”

                                            Derp—

                                            >“It’s so frustrating, too, because year after year they always seemed to come for a visit whenever I had to work.”

                                            >“Um, Derpy,” said Fluttershy, “do you think—”

                                            >“And then there was the Summer Sun Celebration,” said Derpy. “I almost saw Princess Celestia that time, until Nightmare Moon took her away.”

                                            >“Ma’am,” said a guard, “could you please just deliver the mail, and then exit—”

                                            >“But then imagine my shock,” said Derpy, “when I found out later that Princess Celestia and Princess Luna held a parade the next day—and I missed it because of my morning route.”

                                            >Just then the two princesses entered the room, saw Derpy, and shared a worried look with each other

                                            >They gestured towards her, turning to the room in annoyance, and Luna said:

                                            >“And just who is this?”

                                            >“I was so mad,” Derpy chuckled, with the princesses behind her. “You wouldn’t believe.”

                                            >She twirled in the air, unaware, saying, “And I’ve been dying to meet them ever since—”until“—oh my gosh, they’re here!”

                                            >Her wings failed and she fell to the ground.

                                            >But she quickly got up, dusted her coat, and, ignoring her blush, eagerly took Celestia’s hoof in hers.

                                            >“I’m so glad to meet you,” she said, shaking Celestia’s hoof. “You’re my favorite princess.

                                            >Derpy let go of Celestia’s hoof, and Celestia lost her look of confusion and turned playful, nudging her sister with her elbow and saying:

                                            >“Did you hear? I’m her favorite.”

                                            >Luna scowled, but Derpy, unaware of her sour face, took her hoof next and said:

                                            >“And it’s so good to meet you, too. Maybe even better, since mostly no pony sees you except at night.”

                                            >Luna nudged her sister.

                                            >“Did you hear that? Did you hear how common she just made you sound?”

                                            >“Be quiet, second best.”

                                            >“Fatso.”

                                            >Derpy bowed before their hooves.

                                            >“I am in awe of both of you,” she said. “I’ve worked for the Equestrian Post Office for seven years now, hoping that I’ve done my part to help serve your great kingdom.”

                                            >Celestia and Luna’s attentions were diverted to her now, and Celestia, smiling humbly, said, “You mean our great kingdom, my dear subject.”

                                            >Derpy, blushing and snorting, looked back at you over her shoulder.

                                            >“I just got corrected by the princess,” she said excitedly. “I mean, talk about Wow.”

                                            >Celestia asked Derpy to rise, and then she filled her full of hot, ego-inflating gas by telling her how proud she was that she had such a model pony working to serve their kingdom.

                                            >“But that’s the thing,” Derpy said. “I want to do more for our kingdom. That’s why I wanted to see you both.”

                                            >She got down on her knees in a pleading stance.

                                            >“I know deep down that I’m not a very important pony—even in my own office,” she said. “But do you think you could trust me someday to do something very important for our kingdom.”

                                            >She looked up at them with humble eye (the other was looking at something on the floor, but it could still be said that the eye had just as humble a look as the directed one).

                                            >“I’m a very good delivery pony,” she said. “Maybe I could deliver an important package for you one day.”

                                            Yeah, to Twilight, hopefully.

                                            >“And today,” said Fluttershy, “if it’s not too much trouble.”

                                            >Celestia and Luna went to private corner of the room to consult each other.

                                            >When they came back they had calm smiles.

                                            >“There is something you can do,” said Celestia. “And it’s a task that is not too arduous to accomplish.”

                                            >“You don’t even have to leave this room,” said Luna.

                                            >“Really?” said Derpy hopefully. “What is it?”

                                            >Celestia and Luna exchanged brief, knowing glances with each other, and then their horns were illuminated with their auras.

                                            >“We want you,” said Luna, “to stay in this room.”


                                            >“This is so exciting,” said Derpy. “I’ve never had to perform a royal duty before.”

                                            >She looked within a part of herself, with one eye drifting as usual, and then turned to you.

                                            >“Do you think I’m doing a good job so far?” she asked nervously.

                                            >You glanced briefly at her, tied up next to you, and then fixed your dark eyes forward.

                                            >Forward, was where the two princesses where; Celestia, humming contentedly, and Luna, opening up a small jar.

                                            >They were pulling rubber gloves up their arms, and then lubing them up with a slick clear jelly.

                                            >The gloves reached up to their armpits.

                                            >On the other side of you was Fluttershy, with eyes glowering at you like two smoldering mine tunnels.

                                            >The thought of being raped by Celestia and Luna’s long noodle arms was still upsetting her.

                                            >You tried to ignore her anger, and the sound of the slime being rubbed onto long stretches rubber, and the—

                                            >“I’d hate to screw up and disappoint the princesses, you know.”

                                            Shut up, Derpy, you said quietly.

                                            >“All done,” said Celestia, with arms shining in the sunlight from the hole in the wall.

                                            >“Should we do our horns, too?” said Luna.

                                            >Celestia smiled devilishly at her sister, and said:

                                            >“You’re so bad, Luna. We’ve never tried this with our horns before.”

                                            >Silence for a moment.

                                            >“But yes, let’s prep the horns, too.”

                                            >Luna levitated the jar of jelly to her face and made a face, seeing that it was empty.

                                            >A small bastion of hope, perhaps.

                                            >“Well, that’s why we brought extra jelly,” said Celestia calmly.

                                            >Your ass hurts already, but that could be because you’ve been in the same chair for nearly ninety minutes.

                                            >Just then there was a knock on the door.

                                            >Derpy gasped, happy to have another pony around to see her with the princesses.

                                            >The two princesses groaned, with Luna saying that they needed to remember to bring extra chairs, as well as jelly, next time.

                                            >You and Fluttershy got your hopes up, only to have them dashed when a guard entered, pulling a cart full of Moon Pies in behind him.

                                            >Luna’s eyes turned to stars and she approached the cart, her mouth slightly open and a bit of drool leaking out the side.

                                            >“Luna, get back here,” said Celestia, stamping her hoof. “You were supposed to finish off my horn.”

                                            >Her horn was wrapped tight with one of the gloves.

                                            >There were rubber bands tied around it to keep it in place, and they were wrapped around the natural grooves in her horn, which now looked almost like an earthworm.

                                            >Luna began eating herself into a coma, a most favorable spectacle to watch when you join the guard, while Celestia walked across the room to get a jar of jelly.

                                            >It was during this moment of distraction that you noticed, near the hole, was a familiar pink pony, currently preoccupied with making enormous balloon animals out of the gloves left by Celestia.

                                            >You and Fluttershy, being careful, called Pinkie over to see you both.

                                            >“Hi,” she said, also in a throaty whisper. “Why are we talking like this?”

                                            >“I don’t know,” said Derpy, now joining them, with one eye still looking at a giraffe Pinkie had made by the hole.

                                            >“But do you see?” she said, pointing down with her chin. “We’re helping the princesses. Isn’t that neat?”

                                            >“Oh, that’s what you’re doing,” said Pinkie. “I was wondering. It looked like fun, whatever it was.”

                                            >“It was,” said Derpy happily.

                                            >“What do you mean it was?” asked Pinkie. “Are you not doing it anymore?”

                                            >“What?”

                                            What are you doing here? you asked Pinkie.

                                            >Pinkie reached into her mane and pulled out a clipboard, saying that the guard who ordered the Moon Pies left without signing for them.

                                            Well, don’t do that yet. Think you can untie us, without the princesses getting wise?

                                            >Pinkie saluted, the solemnity of your voice clearly not registering with her at all.

                                            >“Hey,” said Derpy, turning to you, “we can’t do that.”

                                            We’ll leave you.

                                            >“Oh,” she said, “well, you better. That’s all I’m saying.”

                                            >Besides occasionally rolling under the table when one of the guards looked your way, Pinkie was able to untie you and Fluttershy quickly and safely.

                                            >Luna had fallen asleep in the cart. She was swole-bellied with the miracle of junk food.

                                            >The guards working on Celestia’s horn were almost finished slicking her up with jelly.

                                            >And as soon as you were free, you began planning your esca—

                                            >“Excuse me,” said Pinkie, tapping one of the guards on the shoulder, “but you left without signing for the Moon Pies.”

                                            >You froze in place as the guard, apologizing mechanically, turned around.

                                            >“Wait a second,” he said upon seeing Pinkie, “who authorized that you could be here?”

                                            >Pinkie folded her ears.

                                            >“I didn’t know I needed authorization,” she said.

                                            >Then, turning to you, she asked, “Why would I need that, anyway?”

                                            >The guard followed her gaze, and in a second his spear had slipped out of his hoof and he was shouting “Princess! Princess Celestia!”

                                            >You turned angrily on Pinkie.

                                            Why would you do that?

                                            >“I was just doing my job,” she said, shrugging. “Like you should have been doing—did you know you got fired today?”

                                            >“Honestly, it wouldn’t surprise me,” said Derpy. “He was supposed to stay in his seat.”

                                            >She looked around and then leaned towards Pinkie, as if telling a secret, and told her that it was your royal duty to stay seated.

                                            >Pinkie, turning to you, said in shock, “You didn’t tell me I was breaking the law!”

                                            >Celestia stamped her hoof and it echoed through the room like the hammer of a judge.

                                            >The room, under the scrutiny of her eyes, highlighted for her the evidence of your escape, and a patronizing smile made clear the amusement she felt towards your efforts.

                                            >Her horn, still sleek, pointed slightly towards you, making your heart quiver.

                                            >“That’s something I like about you,” she said. “Just when my sister and I think that we’ve got you is when you manage to surprise us and sneak out under our muzzles.”

                                            >Underneath its glove, her horn illuminated itself, the sound of its energy increasing.

                                            >“Your resistance to us, it . . . Well, it’s different.”

                                            >It was futile to flee under the direct power of her magic, so you did not.

                                            >Fluttershy buried her face into your thigh in fear and said that she had always loved you.

                                            >You sighed internally, the sound of the magic increasing, until . . .

                                            >The energy travelled up her horn and collected at the tip, where it stayed.

                                            >Celestia looked up at her horn in confusion.

                                            >Her face tensed up, making the magic pulsate in her horn. But no spell had been cast.

                                            >She blinked, then looked at you, and said, “Wait just one second. It’s coming.”

                                            >As if you were going to leave.

                                            >Wait, you were going to leave.

                                            >Celestia kept revving her horn as if she were trying to start a faulty car.

                                            >But, still, there were no spells, and sweat was starting to drip down her face.

                                            >“Sister,” she said, “I could use some assistance now, as The Bazooka is trying to escape.”

                                            >Luna was snoring. It sounded like a dentist was sucking the saliva out of a pig.

                                            >“Wake my sister!” she ordered.

                                            >Two guards stood before the cart where Luna was laying, once full of Moon Pies the same as the Earth was full of dodos.

                                            >“You wake her,” said one guard to the other.

                                            >“No way,” he responded. “If you even touch her right now, when she’s like this, she’ll start farting.”

                                            >The guard made a sour face of disbelief. But his friend continued:

                                            >“I’m serious. It’s like lumpy porridge or something, there’s one fart for each bubble that’s in a normal bowl.”

                                            >“That’s nasty,” the guard said. Then, after a while, “Does this happen often to her?”

                                            >His friend grinned, shook his head, and then advised him to never enter her room at night.

                                            >“Not even once,” he concluded.

                                            >Once Celestia’s horn had started to glow red she fell to the floor and moaned with pain

                                            >From the base of her horn, steam and the smell of bone marrow cooking was escaping from under the tight seal of the glove.

                                            >Guards were trying to pry the glove off, but it was too hot for them to touch, their collective opinions of despair being:

                                            >“It’s too lubed up to grip” and “My hooves are getting slippery.”

                                            >You watched all this silently, unsure of what to do.

                                            >“Yep,” said Pinkie, looking at the box of gloves, “says right here that they’re not supposed to be put on any unicorn horns.

                                            >“But it doesn’t say that you can’t make balloon animals with ‘em,” she said. “And I read it earlier, too, just to make sure.”

                                            >You pondered the situation, after pushing Fluttershy off of you, and you came to a very good conclusion.

                                            I should leave now.

                                            >“Any available guard not tending to your princess,” Celestia announced, “is to make sure that The Bazooka does not leave the fortress.”

                                            >The two guards watching Luna sighed and picked up their spears.

                                            >“Still can’t believe I missed my mom’s birthday for this,” one of them muttered.

                                            >The guards advanced towards you, and Fluttershy hid behind your legs, grabbing your ass so as to feel secure.

                                            >You weren’t afraid of the guards, since you could pick them up with one hand and slam them if you had to.

                                            >But, still, you didn’t want to hurt them.

                                            >You told them this, but they just pursed their lips at you, as if to say “Look, it’s our job to get slammed right now, okay?”

                                            >Either way, you had to keep them away.

                                            >Deciding first that you would throw things at them, you picked up Derpy’s mailbag.

                                            >“Hey, that’s mine,” said Derpy.

                                            >You took a throwing stance and the guards stopped in place.

                                            >“Put the mailbag down,” one of them ordered.

                                            >“Oh great,” Derpy said, huffing, “now that you told him to, he’ll never do it.”

                                            >You feigned throwing it a couple times, making them flinch.

                                            >It was a standoff; the guards couldn’t advance, but you couldn’t move.

                                            >“You’re only making this worse for you and your friends,” said the guard.

                                            >“Do I have to remind you that you are impeding military progress by resisting?”

                                            >“And my royal duties,” said Derpy.

                                            >“Our love is stronger than any of that,” Fluttershy proclaimed from behind your legs.

                                            >“You tell ‘em!” said Pinkie

                                            >“The rubber! It’s melting onto my horn!” screamed Celestia.

                                            >The guard then grabbed the bill that Celestia and Luna wrote on, issuing the fortress, and showed it to you.

                                            >“Right here is proof that you’re breaking Equestria law.”

                                            >“Oh, I love that activity,” said Pinkie, upon noticing the item in his hoof.

                                            >When she got close and examined it, she hummed in a suspicious way.

                                            >Then, straightening up, she said conclusively, “It’s not finished, though.”

                                            >“What?” said the guard.

                                            >“You didn’t finish it, silly,” she said. “Here, let me show you.”

                                            >She went over to the gloves and came back with one of them blown up and twisted into a magnifying glass shape.

                                            >“It says right there,” said Pinkie, placing the glass over the bill, “that you have to mail it in to the company for consideration first, before it becomes a law.”

                                            >“Oh, those,” said Derpy, now recognizing the bill with one eye, the other staring at the balloon giraffe left in the corner.

                                            >“Yeah,” she said, “we’ve been getting tons of those lately.”

                                            >The guard furrows his brow and, pulling a pair of glasses out from a holster on his armor, examines the suspect bill closely.

                                            >You, meanwhile, began to seethe with anger.

                                            >Fluttershy, sensing your rage, scooted away into a remote corner of the room and hid behind the giraffe.

                                            >Those princess bitches took so little consideration of you that they didn’t even bother to actually make your house a legal fortress, like they said they did, even though they totally could have.

                                            >It’s insulting!

                                            >AGAIN!

                                            >Letting loose a primal scream, you threw the bag at the guard who was still watching you and hit him in the face, sending mail up into the air like feathers do in a pillow fight.

                                            >But let’s focus on something else, while you tear the royal crew a new one.

                                            >You live on a big hill.

                                            >Like, a really big hill.

                                            >And this really big hill, it has a top, which is where your house is.

                                            >From your kitchen window you can get a good panoramic view of all of Ponyville, its thatched roofs, the smoke coming from the chimneys, the weather pegasi moving the clouds.

                                            >Yeah, it’s that big.

                                            >So, after you had gotten all of the royals to submit to your superior human strength™, here’s what you did:

                                            >You threw Celestia into the cart, making sure that her head would be right next to Luna’s rank pony butt.

                                            >Then, after pushing it with one foot, you watched it roll down the hill.

                                            >It went straight for a while, before the wheels began cutting left, sending the cart crashing into a pine tree in the neighbor’s yard.

                                            >The front panel of the cart turned to splinters, and Celestia and Luna went shooting out of either side of the cart, landing on the neighbor’s lawn.

                                            >You left the guards to their own devices, and they ran to the aid of their princesses.

                                            >Last thing you saw before turning away was your neighbor coming out of her house.

                                            >She approached Luna, bent down to examine her injuries, and then was flanked by Princess Celestia, screaming at her to please get the molten melted rubber off of her horn.

                                            >You neighbor fell backwards, heard Luna fart, and then curled up in a fetal position, her screams echoing up the slope of the hill.

                                            I guess that’s that, you said upon coming back home.

                                            >You began to untie Derpy, who did not speak to you when you asked if she was alright.

                                            >Until, “I just can’t believe I failed at my first royal duty,” she said sadly.

                                            >Now free, she began to pick up her mail, though Pinkie and Fluttershy had already helped immensely with that.

                                            >“It was my first time meeting the princesses, and everything went totally wrong.”

                                            >“It’s okay, Derpy,” said Fluttershy.

                                            >She placed a soothing hoof on her shoulder and offered that, if someone doesn’t like you at first, you can always get on their good side by going over to their home every morning and trying to guess their fetish.

                                            >“I guess that could work,” said Derpy, sniffling.

                                            Derpy, that is not a good—

                                            >“But their castle is too far away,” she said despairingly.

                                            Stop listening to her!

                                            >“Wait a minute,” said Pinkie. “Didn’t you get to meet the princesses at the wedding?”

                                            >Derpy put her hoof to her chin, thinking.

                                            Wedding?

                                            >“Cranky and Matilda’s,” said Fluttershy.

                                            Who?

                                            >“Oh, I think I did,” said Derpy, brightening up. “Wow, I met the princesses. Talk about cool.”

                                            >She put an arm around Pinkie and thanked her.

                                            >“Shucks, it was nothing,” said Pinkie.

                                            You’re welcome, by the way, for saving you from being raped by the two princesses you idolize so much, you said to yourself.

                                            >“Hey, if I met the princesses at the wedding”—she hung her head down—“then that means that, when I saw them today, they didn’t remember me.”

                                            >The air of the room turned solemn for everyone except you.

                                            >You only wish that the princesses could forget you.

                                            >“Well, not every sundae comes with a cherry on top,” said Pinkie helpfully.

                                            >“What does that mean?” said Derpy.

                                            >Thankful that the princesses were gone, you saw the hole still in your wall and you knew then what Pinkie’s adage meant.

                                            >Not that that means anything, really.

                                            >Once they had left, Fluttershy approached you.

                                            Unless you’re going to help me clean up, you can go.

                                            >“I still have to guess your fetish,” she said matter-of-factly.

                                            Okay, whatever. Just make it fast.

                                            >She flew outside and then after a second reappeared with your mailbox in her hooves.

                                            Great, another thing I’ll have to fix.

                                            >She gave it to you and told you to open it.

                                            >On the side you saw that she had painted ‘Mr. and Mrs. Fluttershy’ on it.

                                            I’m not pleased so far.

                                            >“Well, I can take your name, if you’d like that better,” she said as you opened the box and ignored her.

                                            >There was a business letter inside it.

                                            >Opening it and taking out the contents, you began reading.

                                            >‘Hereby, it will go into effect that, any ponies working for the well-being of animals in Equestria, of sound mind and body, will henceforth have the right to marry any animals, under their care, that may achieve sentience . . .’

                                            >“Isn’t it great?” she said gleefully. “Now, once I find your fetish and win your love, we’ll be able to legally get married.”

                                            >Still ignoring her, you crumple the document in your hand and then bounce it off of her face.

                                            Just put my mailbox back on your way out, you said upon leaving her.

                                            >You kind of wish your house was a fortress, if only to keep these ponies away from you.