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Equestrian Help Hotline/*ring ring*

By ZigZagWanderer
Created: 2021-01-05 19:34:30
Updated: 2024-05-13 20:28:12
Expiry: Never

  1. >“Equestrian Help Hotline. What can I do for you today?”
  2. >Silence for a moment.
  3. >“Hello? Is anyone there?”
  4. >An unsure, hesitant voice answers.
  5. Uh, yeah.
  6. >“Do you have a question today?”
  7. I have sort of a problem with my pony.
  8. >“I see. What seems to be the problem today?”
  9. Well, it keeps trying to rape me.
  10. >“. . . Excuse me?”
  11. I bought a pony from you guys a couple weeks back, and now it keeps trying to rape me.
  12. >“I see . . . And this is your problem that you’re calling us about?”
  13. Well, yeah! I don’t want it to rape me.
  14. >“I understand. I understand completely.”
  15. I didn’t, like, train it to rape or anything if that’s what you’re thinking.
  16. >“Not at all.”
  17. This is a problem and I want it fixed.
  18. >“Certainly. Well, what type of pony did you order from us?”
  19. The yellow one.
  20. >“The Fluttershy variety? That’s usually our most well-behaved breed.”
  21. Well this one isn’t, that’s for damn sure.
  22. >“Okay, when your pony was delivered to you, did it seem in any way skittish or disturbed?”
  23. I don’t know. All I know is that it keeps trying to rape me. Now are you going to fix it or not?
  24. >“I’m sorry. I’m just trying to figure out why that particular pony would suddenly . . .”
  25. I’ve got it distracted watching some nature program right now, but there’s going to be commercials soon and I won’t be able to talk cause she’ll be all over me.
  26. >“Can you describe to me the sort of strange behavior that your pony is exhibiting?”
  27. It’s fucking rapey behavior. You telling me you don’t know what that is?
  28. >“I just need some specifics please.”
  29. Well she tries to look at me when I’m in the shower.
  30. >“The pony tries to peep at you when you’re naked?”
  31. Yeah. That’s what I said.
  32. >“And you’re sure about this? I mean there’s no way that this could be a misunderstanding—”
  33. She wants my dong. I started closing the door and shutting the blinds, but then I just hear her fumbling with the knob trying to get the door open.
  34. >“Well that’s odd, because most ponies know how to open doors. Did you not teach that to her?”
  35. Why would I teach her how to open doors if she’s trying to rape me?
  36. >“. . . I guess you’re right.”
  37. Have some common sense, for the love of God.
  38. >“Anything else?”
  39. She keeps trying to drug my food.
  40. >“Drug?”
  41. With tranquilizers and such, so that I can’t fight her off when she tries to pull down my pants.
  42. >“Where did she get—”
  43. She knows how to undo my buttons with her mouth. I caught her in my room practicing on a pair of my pants one time when she thought I wasn’t home.
  44. >“Excuse me a moment, but where could your pony have possibly gotten drugs of that kind?”
  45. You think I know? If I knew I’d definitely have put a stop to it by now. She’s got connections.
  46. >“Do you have any idea why she might be so interested in you, I mean, did something happen or . . . ?”
  47. I don’t know. I think she’s just horny all the time.
  48. >“Well that’s definitely a problem, since ponies tend to have very little interest in mating.”
  49. Well that’s all this one seems to want to do, and I’m getting Goddamn tired of her trying to get in bed with me every night. I had a perfectly nice stable built for her for when she arrived, and she’s never slept in it.
  50. >“Well the Fluttershy usually needs some time to be properly introduced to her new environment. Did you make sure to—”
  51. Spent a lot of good money having this perfectly nice stable built, and—
  52. >“Excuse me, but did you make sure to properly introduce the pony to her new environment?”
  53. Well she went all around the house smelling everything. Then she tried to go in my room, but I told her it was off limits. She didn’t listen, though. That’s when I eventually found her with my pants, like I was telling you earlier.
  54. >“Yeah. Believe me, I remember.”
  55. Look I’m fucking sick of this horse. I’ve had to put locks on my fridge, my dresser, my bedroom and bathroom doors. I’m tired all the time. I haven’t had a decent sleep in days.
  56. >“I understand. That sounds rough.”
  57. Can you even fix this problem I got?
  58. >“Well I’ve never actually heard of a case where one of our ponies was trying to . . . do that with its owner.”
  59. Rape! A case where one of your ponies is trying to rape its owner. The act has a name, you know.
  60. >“I’m aware.”
  61. Well look, we got to do something here, because I’m scared to bring people over. I’m worried about what she might do.
  62. >“I agree. Something must be done.”
  63. Can you guys take her back or something? I don’t even care if I don’t get a refund.
  64. >“Well you’re going to have to relay back to me your ordering information first before we can talk about a return.”
  65. I’m not sure I still have the receipt. She might have done something with it.
  66. >“Why don’t we start by—”
  67. Fuck! I can hear the commercials. How long have they been on?
  68. >“Excuse me—”
  69. >“Hello, sweetie. You never came in to watch Hamtaro with me like you said you would.”
  70. I’m on the phone here. Can’t I have some privacy?
  71. >“Excuse me, but is this a bad time? Should we set up an appointment later so—”
  72. >“I made you some milk, sweetie.”
  73. Oh my God! You can’t make milk, stupid. That just tells me that it’s drugged already.
  74. >“Please don’t yell at the pony.”
  75. >“But I did make this milk. See? Look at how swollen my teats are.”
  76. >“Her teats are definitely not supposed to be—”
  77. Get your butt out of my face. Nasty. Oh God. There’s a hair in this milk.
  78. >Hear what sounds like footsteps running away, then a door slamming and something pounding on it really hard.
  79. >“Excuse me, are you and your pony still there? Hello?”
  80. >The connection ceases.
  81. >Hang up slowly.
  82. >Grab a yellow form and write a report of the incident before moving on.
  83. >Put the report in the Fluttershy pile, which is now bigger than all the other piles for all the other ponies.
  84. >Wonder what is up with the Fluttershys lately while you take the next call.
  85. >“Equestrian Help Hotline.”
  86. >Silence for a moment.
  87. My pony has a weird problem. It’s kind of hard to explain, but . . .
  88. >You instinctively reach for a yellow form.
  89.  
  90. >“Equestrian Help Hotline. How can I help you today?”
  91. Hey, dude. How’s the weather back home?
  92. >You instantly recognize the voice.
  93. Hey, what’s with the silent treatment? Don’t you remember your friendly neighborhood Rainbow Dash?
  94. >“Well sure I do. You’re one of our most popular ponies.”
  95. Darn right I am. I’m the one and only Rainbow Dash.
  96. >No, she isn’t. She was created by your company from a DNA sample they own of the original Rainbow Dash.
  97. >But you can’t tell a Rainbow Dash this; because even though they’re all clones, most of them are convinced that they’re all awesome in their own unique way.
  98. >“Well I’d like to chat with you, Dash, but this is a helpline for humans having problems with their ponies.”
  99. I know. That’s why I called. I kind of am having a problem with my human.
  100. >“Oh, really? Well that’s different. What is it?”
  101. Well I keep trying to get him to rut me, but he won’t do it.
  102. >“Right. Okay, so, you keep trying to . . . keep trying . . . to . . . What?’
  103. >What is it with this job lately? Is pony fucking going to start becoming a thing around here?
  104. Yeah, like, so I’m the most awesome thing in his life, right? So I don’t see a reason why we shouldn’t, like, you know, be special someponys.
  105. >“Okay, sure.”
  106. And don’t you tell any pony anything about what we talk about here. It’s totally sappy and it’ll ruin my reputation if it gets out.
  107. >“Well that’s for corporate to decide.”
  108. You better not.
  109. >“Tell me, Dash, because I need to know, has your human sexually abused or touched you in any way that you felt to be inappropriate?”
  110. Uh, no, dude. What’s with you? I just told you he wasn’t doing that kind of stuff, but that he totally should be.
  111. >“Well I’m glad that’s settled. And why do you think he should be?”
  112. Because I made him awesome. He was chubby and shy before I came into his life. But now I’ve got him on a workout schedule with me and he’s feeling awesome.
  113. >“That’s great, Dash. You really helped—”
  114. He owes me. I made him hot, but he’s totally forgotten about me now. He says he wants to go out with girls his own species. Can you believe that?
  115. >“I mean it’s not like it’s too crazy, him wanting to date other humans—”
  116. I’ve got everything that those dumb girls have got and more. I bet they don’t even like taking about Daring Do with him like I do.
  117. >“Dash, you should know that our company frowns on humans having relations with their ponies.”
  118. If you’re talking about what Fluttershy was doing, that was different. The thing about me and my human is that we could actually be special someponys. We get along awesomely.
  119. >“But you do have your disagreements.”
  120. Well it’s just that one thing, and even then if he’d just rut me once he’d totally know what it is that he’s been missing out on.
  121. >“That’s hubris.”
  122. What? No, I’m talking about my human. What does Cerberus have to do with anything?
  123. >“Never mind.”
  124. So how can I get him to rut me?
  125. >“Dash, I can’t help you with this. It’s not only highly inappropriate, but it also seems like a personal problem that I’d have little to no understanding of.”
  126. Well I mean I didn’t even want to call you.
  127. >“Oh . . .”
  128. Nah. This was Twilight’s idea.
  129. >“Your human has a Twilight Sparkle?”
  130. No. But we go to the pony park and I saw her there. I told her I needed some advice on my human and she said that I should call this number.
  131. >“And did she know about what you were going to ask me?”
  132. Are you kidding? I’m not going to tell Twilight about wanting to rut my human. She’s an egghead that wouldn’t know anything about that.
  133. >“Well I’m—”
  134. She’d probably tell me to read to him or something.
  135. >“I’m a perfect stranger though, Dash. Why ask me?”
  136. Well I thought you would have some advice, but you’ve mostly just been asking me questions. I’m used to people wanting to know stuff about me, though. So I don’t mind.
  137. >“I just want you and your human to have the best relationship possible.”
  138. Well that’s what I’m trying to do. That’s why I called you for help.
  139. >“You can have a close relationship without being sexual.”
  140. What? No way! You literally cannot be closer to somepony unless you’re rutting them. That’s, like, logic or something.
  141. >“You can be the best of friends, though, and have something special that’s beyond a physical connection. By what you’ve said you seem to have helped this human improve his life immensely.”
  142. Well of course I did. Who doesn’t want to be their best when they’re around me?
  143. >“He wants to better himself just by being around you, Dash. Do you know how special that is? Not everyone has that kind of influence. Think about it for a moment.”
  144. I mean . . . Yeah . . . I guess so.
  145. >“I’m proud of you, Dash. I’ve always admired your traits and your ability to bring out the best in others.”
  146. Thanks. I mean I get that all the time, but still . . .
  147. >“I suppose the only thing you can do in your situation is think proudly on what the two of you do have rather than on what you think you should have.”
  148. I’ll have to think on that one.
  149. >“You should be thinking proudly on all that you’ve done for him. His life is better with you in it and maybe jeopardizing what you already have isn’t the best—”
  150. Ugh! I can’t take it anymore. I made him hot and now I can’t even think about him without driving myself crazy.
  151. >“Dash?”
  152. Every time I see him I feel like my body’s on fire and that I have to rut him. I can’t even cool myself off by flying anymore.
  153. >“Dash, think about what I was just saying—”
  154. Oh, what do you know? You don’t know how hard it is being around him all the time, at night. I want us to do things to each other. I want to lick that tight stomach of his while he’s between my—
  155. >“Woah! Dash, think about what you want to tell me. My supervisors might be listening in.”
  156. I’m going to do something tonight. Tonight is movie night and he always falls asleep on the couch. This time I’m doing to do something about how I’m feeling.
  157. >“Now just hold on here.”
  158. No. I’m sick of waiting. I’m awesome. I’m Rainbow Dash. And I’m going to get what’s mine.
  159. >The connection ceases
  160. >“Dash? Dash?”
  161. >You try to call back but can’t get through.
  162. >Sighing, you take a blue form and carefully fill out a report.
  163. >You put it in the Dash file, which was empty until now.
  164. >But you can already see that soon she’s going to have her own pile just like Fluttershy.
  165. >Rainbow Dash can have a profound motivational effect on their humans, and it’s common that their humans significantly change to healthier habits after bonding with them.
  166. >But if this is how Dash can react over time to those changes, then your company could have a big problem.
  167. >You take the next call.
  168. >“Equestrian Help Hotline.”
  169. >An exasperated voice answers:
  170. Okay, so my Fluttershy was acting weird and your company’s online support page said that pairing her with a Rainbow Dash might help.
  171. >Oh boy.
  172. >You slump forward in your chair.
  173. >Just listening to this guy tells you that you’re going to be getting some new forms from corporate sometime soon.
  174.  
  175. >“Equestrian Help Hot—”
  176. . . . And so I said, ‘Oatmeal! Are you crazy?’
  177. >“Pinkie Pie?”
  178. That’s me. How are things going back home? Did you make lots of friends with the other Pinkies?
  179. >What is it with ponies calling this hotline lately? And how come you’re always the one that they reach?
  180. >“They’re fine. I’m fine. What are you doing?”
  181. Just calling random people in the phonebook to see if they want to chat and be friends while I wait for my human to come home.
  182. >“Well this line is reserved for questions, Pinkie.”
  183. But I do have a question.
  184. >“Oh. Well how can I help you?”
  185. What do you think I’m wearing?
  186. >You reach for a pink form.
  187. Well?
  188. >“. . . Probably nothing.”
  189. Yeah. You’re right. That was a good one, huh?
  190. >Put the pink form back.
  191. >“Pinkie, maybe I wasn’t clear, but this is a line for—”
  192. I know. I was just joking. I do want to ask you something about my human.
  193. >Oh, please, no.
  194. >“You have a question about your human?”
  195. Yeah. We kind of have a special sort of problem together.
  196. >Pink form.
  197. >“What is it?”
  198. Well he likes chocolate cake but I like vanilla.
  199. >No pink form.
  200. And every time we decide to get a cake we end up disagreeing with each other. I tried to tell him that if he wants chocolate then he should just get a chocolate bar, but he won’t listen to me.
  201. >“Pinkie.”
  202. I mean cake was made for vanilla. That’s why they don’t have vanilla bars in the first place. Chocolate cake was a mistake if you ask me.
  203. >“Pinkie!”
  204. So what should I do?
  205. >“. . . Well it sounds like you two are having trouble reaching a compromise.”
  206. A compromise?
  207. >“You know, like, an understanding. An agreement that leaves both parties satisfied when a decision cannot be reached otherwise.”
  208. Oh, I get it.
  209. >“So the two of you—”
  210. It’s kind of like how I want to rut my human, but he doesn’t want to because he’s scared of what would happen if someone found out.
  211. >Stare rigidly at the pink forms.
  212. Hey, should I rut my human anyways?
  213. >Fucking take one.
  214. >“Why do you want to rut your human, Pinkie?”
  215. Because I like him. He’s great. We always have lots of super-duper fun times together, when he’s home anyway.
  216. >“Sounds like you two are pretty good friends.”
  217. Well, duh! I can’t imagine my life without him. Making him smile is the best thing in my life that I can think of.
  218. >“Pinkie, do you have any other friends? I mean it’s not just him, right?”
  219. Well, kind of. I like going to the park and talking with other ponies, especially other Rainbow Dash ponies. They’re a hoot.
  220. >“How often does your human take you to the park?”
  221. Not very often. Not as much as I’d like. He has to work a lot. Sometimes he even just goes to bed right after he gets home. I think he works really hard.
  222. >“I see. How’s your financial situation? I’m only asking because maybe you can ask him to get you another pony friend.”
  223. Well I don’t think my human has a lot of money.
  224. >“Oh.”
  225. But that’s okay. He’s the best human ever, and he’s mine, and I wouldn’t trade him for anything—not even for an unlimited gumball machine.
  226. >“Do you wish he was around more though?”
  227. Yeah. I guess I do. I get really bored waiting for him sometimes.
  228. >“Could that be why you want to rut him, because you’re bored of what you have now?”
  229. Well that’s part of it.
  230. >“Just part of it?”
  231. Well it’s something I’ve been thinking about for a while. Can I ask you something?
  232. >“Of course you can. What is it?”
  233. How long did the original Pinkie Pie live?
  234. >“A very long time. She was old. Had grand-fillies by the time she died.”
  235. She didn’t just live seven years like we do.
  236. >“No.”
  237. See, I’ve been thinking about that a lot. I’m already three years old, and in a few weeks I’m going to be four. That means I’ve already lived half of the life that I have left.
  238. >“Well, gosh, Pinkie, I mean you live for a very noble purpose. Your companionship brings people joy that they wouldn’t have otherwise.”
  239. I know.
  240. >“You’re a great friend and pony, Pinkie, and that’s in your very DNA. That’s the whole reason our company thought it would be a good idea to clone the mane six. It’s a chance to give people great friends who wouldn’t have them otherwise.”
  241. And that’s why I was cloned?
  242. >“That’s right.”
  243. And that’s what I am, a clone.
  244. >“You say that like it’s a bad thing, but it isn’t. You shouldn’t feel bad that you’re a clone.”
  245. Oh, I don’t feel bad. I like being alive. I just wish I had more.
  246. >“More what?”
  247. More of something, just enough so that it doesn’t feel so empty anymore.
  248. >“What?”
  249. I don’t know what. I want to live a full life. I know you can’t do that in seven years, but I want to anyways. I want to find love. I want to love someone. Even though I can’t have babies, I think I would be good at loving. I’d just have to find someone extra special. The thing is I already have too. But he’s scared of what might happen if someone found out. But I don’t care if they find out. I don’t care if everyone finds out. I know that I love him, and that he loves me, and that that’s all that matters. We can be full together in a way that we can’t be the way we are now. Don’t I deserve that?
  250. >You find yourself so overwhelmed that you cannot answer.
  251. It’s going to be my birthday soon and I’m making sure that we’re having vanilla cake, because life’s too short for chocolate.
  252. >“Pinkie, wait.”
  253. Look, I’m sorry that I hardly made you smile at all, but I’ll make it up to you next time I call. I’ll be happier then.
  254. >The connection ceases.
  255. >You hang up the phone slowly and stare silently at the pink form you took.
  256. >Can’t bring yourself to fill it out. You put it back.
  257. >After a while you go upstairs to see your manager about using some of your vacation time.
  258.  
  259. >“Equestrian Help Hotline.”
  260. >The vacation did a good job of relieving some of the stress you feel at your job.
  261. >“No, I’m sorry, but we discontinued the Spike line a few months ago.”
  262. >Not that it had always been stressful; that didn’t happen until you started getting the sex based pony calls.
  263. >“That’s right. So you’re going to have to start slowly encouraging your Twilight to write her own letters.”
  264. >But you feel better now, and you’re back to answering normal questions again.
  265. >You hang up on the Twilight owner and take the next call.
  266. >“Equestrian Help Hotline.”
  267. >A woman answers.
  268. Yeah, my pony has been using my computer while I’m away at work.
  269. >Sounds like another Twilight problem.
  270. >“And this is something you don’t want your pony doing?”
  271. Well normally I wouldn’t mind it, but she’s using it to look up porn.
  272. >Never mind. It’s a Fluttershy.
  273. >And now your stomach hurts.
  274. >“Are you sure that it was your pony looking these things up?”
  275. Hey! Just what are you implying?
  276. >“I’m not implying anything. It’s just that it’s unusual for our ponies to have a high interest in technology the way that you’re describing.”
  277. It’s just using the computer. It’s not that uncommon.
  278. >“Well it’s really the hooves that . . . Look, you’re sure it was your pony?”
  279. Uh, yeah, I’m pretty sure. I’ve gone through her browser history and found searches for ‘Big Dick Humans’, ‘Big Dick Nude Humans’, ‘Human Stud Makes Squash Soup’, and the worst was—
  280. >“Thank you for confirming.”
  281. She doesn’t know that I know. Why would my pony be looking at that stuff?
  282. >“It is unusual. By the way, you wouldn’t happen to have a Fluttershy, would you?”
  283. No. I have Applejack.
  284. >“Oh, well how about that.”
  285. What?
  286. >“Nothing. It’s just that we don’t usually hear about many Applejack ponies at this call center. We have rural specialists working in other call centers that usually take these calls.”
  287. Well I live in the city.
  288. >“Actually, that could be a problem. You see Applejack ponies can feel very anxious living in an urban environment.”
  289. Oh, I know. But she loves it here. She’s made friends with nearly everyone on our block, and she works in the community garden.
  290. >“Well that’s great.”
  291. It’s the porn, though . . .
  292. >“Yeah. That’s a very unusual problem.”
  293. Do you think there’s something wrong with her?
  294. >“That’s hard to say.”
  295. I’m starting to think something might be wrong with her.
  296. >“Well let’s not damn anybody yet.”
  297. What do you mean about that? I’m furious with her. She’s going to fuck up my computer with a bunch of viruses just because she wants to see those awful things.
  298. >“I understand your frustration.”
  299. And she doesn’t just do it once either. I know she’ll spend all day at that computer sometimes.
  300. >“Yes, yes. I understand your—wait, I thought you said she did this while you were at work?”
  301. You should see my computer chair. The seat cushion used to be light blue.
  302. >“Excuse me, but I thought that you said earlier—”
  303. And the smell!
  304. >“I thought you said that she did this while you were at work.”
  305. She does. I set up a camera to catch her in the act. I just didn’t think I’d catch her more than a dozen times.
  306. >“I see. Well right now you might want to install some kind of protection to block her from accessing her sites.”
  307. What good would that do? She’s just going to get the porn from somewhere else.
  308. >“Well this way you save your computer.”
  309. I could have done that myself. What I want is for her to stop looking at that disgusting porn of hers.
  310. >“I see. Well ponies don’t usually have strong urges every day, but they do sometimes get them, and it’s important for them to have a healthy way to release them.”
  311. Um, excuse me, but are you saying that I’m in the wrong here for not wanting my pony to fuck herself to big dick nude humans?
  312. >“No, please, I—”
  313. Because you can fuck right off if that’s what you’re saying. She’s not going to look at those kinds of things while she’s living in my apartment.
  314. >“I’m sure she isn’t doing it to upset you. Perhaps if—”
  315. What’s your name?
  316. >“Excuse me?”
  317. I want your name.
  318. >You tell her.
  319. Well thank you very much for wasting my time, because you obviously don’t know what to do, and it looks like I’m going to have to take care of it myself. I think I’ll go ahead and do that after I report you.
  320. >The connection ceases.
  321. >“Man, I’d hate to be that poor Applejack.”
  322. >You take an orange form, fill it out and then file it away.
  323. >She never did report you.
  324. >A day later, a fateful call.
  325. >“Equestrian Help Hotline.”
  326. Howdy, sugar cube. How’s the homestead?
  327. >Applejack? You’ve got to be kidding.
  328. >“Just fine, Applejack. How are you? I wasn’t expecting to hear from you.”
  329. >Is that a lie? You aren’t sure anymore.
  330. I’m doing all right. Hey, you sound great.
  331. >“Well, thanks.”
  332. Yeah, you sound like a tall drink of water. Am I right?
  333. >“I do okay, if that’s what you mean. Did you have a question?”
  334. Actually, I do got something I want to ask you.
  335. >“Is it about your human?”
  336. Sure is. How’d you know that?
  337. >“You don’t want to know.”
  338. Are you acting as cute as you sound?
  339. >“Excuse me?”
  340. Anyway, I’m not entirely sure how I’m going to tell you this.
  341. >“Look, it’s all right, Applejack.”
  342. >Grab an orange form.
  343. >“You can speak freely. I’m listening.”
  344. Well, okay, I trust you. My human wants to rut me.
  345. >“And why do you want to—wait a sec. Your human?”
  346. I know that sounds crazy. To be honest, I ain’t even sure if I can call what she’d want to do with me rutting.
  347. >“She?”
  348. I’m not sure how it all happened. I told her I was interested in meeting someone, thinking that she’d be happy for me.
  349. >“Go on.”
  350. See, I want to meet a man. I want me a big strong man that can shake my tree, if you catch me.
  351. >“Sure. But what about your human?”
  352. Weren’t you listening? I said I wanted myself a man. I just love big, strong human men. I’d like to meet a real cutie that—
  353. >“What’s your problem with your human? Let’s get back to that.”
  354. Well when she found out, she tried to keep me locked in the house. And now she’s kind of insisting that I let her take care of my most recent needs.
  355. >“Okay, well, her—”
  356. And, boy, let me tell you, they are some pretty strong needs.
  357. >She can’t seem to get off that.
  358. >“Uh, okay then, Applejack, are these needs causing you distress?”
  359. Well I’d sure like to satisfy them, if that’s what you’re implying.
  360. >“I didn’t imply anything. I’m asking you whether you feel you are alright or not.”
  361. I feel fine, sugar cube. Don’t fret about any of this.
  362. >“Don’t fret?”
  363. Yeah, no pony has to know.
  364. >“Applejack, this is serious. Her locking you in, that’s abuse. We can investigate that.”
  365. You can? You’ll come out and see me?
  366. >“Just give me your address and I can send a team out tomorrow to—”
  367. Well hold on. I don’t know if that’s such a good idea, to send a team.
  368. >“Why not?”
  369. I was kind of thinking, well, since I talked to you first and all . . . Maybe you can come by yourself?
  370. >“You want me to come.”
  371. I sure do.
  372. >“I’m sorry, but that’s not my department.”
  373. Well how about the two of us meeting somewhere then?
  374. >“The two of us?”
  375. Yeah, just you and me. Somewhere private. I really think it’d help me feel more comfortable with this situation if I were to see you in person.
  376. >“Maybe something can be arranged, if you can get out.”
  377. Oh, don’t worry. I’ll get out. You think I’m going to miss this?
  378. >“Miss our appointment, you mean?”
  379. So we’re in agreement here then?
  380. >“Well to be honest, I don’t know. I’m not really comfortable meeting you by myself.”
  381. Well I’m sorry. I don’t want you feeling uncomfortable with me.
  382. >“Besides it’d be easier to just send the investigators out. If they find anything suspect we can have you out of there in no time. Then you’d get to come here and we could easily meet that way, if you still wanted that.”
  383. But we wouldn’t have our privacy. There’d be cameras all over us.
  384. >“What does that have to do with anything?”
  385. Unless, I guess, well if you’re into that sort of thing, being watched.
  386. >What is she talking about?
  387. >“Applejack, I’m trying to help you here. Can we please get back to you giving me your address?”
  388. Uh . . . No.
  389. >“No?”
  390. Yeah, I don’t want to do that.
  391. >“You don’t want to escape from the abusive relationship that you have with your human?”
  392. Well, I mean, I did. But then we started talking and . . . well, you know.
  393. >“I know?”
  394. Yeah, you do.
  395. >“Yeah?”
  396. Yeah.
  397. >You’re starting to worry that this Applejack was getting beaten, especially around the head.
  398. >“Look, you’re going to have to be more forward with me, Applejack.”
  399. Oh, I can do that. Don’t you worry. I can do whatever you want me to do, sugar cube.
  400. >“Well can you—”
  401. Sure can. Like I said, whatever you want.
  402. >“Let me finish. Can you tell me exactly what it is that you want me to do for you?”
  403. You mean to me. What I want you to do to me.
  404. >“What you want me to do to you?”
  405. Well I want you to rut my brains out, of course.
  406. >“Woah! Hang on here.”
  407. What? What’d I say?
  408. >“I can’t do that.”
  409. Why not? We can get a room together. I know a place that’s no questions asked.
  410. >“Applejack, this is highly inappropriate.”
  411. Well you were the one who was leading me on this whole time.
  412. >“No, I wasn’t. I’m here for your wellbeing.”
  413. Well my being wants us to get together so you can put your snake in my boot.
  414. >“Applejack, you’ve got to stop talking like that. You’re already going to be in trouble as it is.”
  415. What! Now come on. You don’t want to put little ol’ me up on the scaffold, do you?
  416. >“I’m really going to need your address now.”
  417. >She’s silent.
  418. >“Applejack.”
  419. What did I do wrong? Where’d I go wrong? I thought when we were talking that things were going all right, and now you’re upset with me. Am I really that bad at this?
  420. >“I’m not trying to be a bad guy or anything. But you had to know that what you were trying to do wasn’t going to work.”
  421. I can’t help it. I’m getting desperate. And once we started talking, well, I just wanted to hear you say nice things to me. You have a nice voice, sugar cube. I like it.
  422. >“I like your voice too.”
  423. Really?
  424. >“I always have. It’s a cute accent. I like to hear you talk.”
  425. Shucks. I’m just talking with my mouth is all. But I blew it still, didn’t I?
  426. >“You’re not happy. Let me get you out of that house.”
  427. No. No, I can do that myself.
  428. >“Applejack, please don’t.”
  429. Look, I’m sorry I called you at all. I won’t cause you anymore grief. I’m going to go.
  430. >“Applejack, please don’t hang up on me. I care about this job, about helping you, about you. Please give me your address.”
  431. Sorry. I’ll be thinking of you tonight. I wish we could’ve met.
  432. >The connection ceases.
  433. >Fill out the orange form and file it away.
  434. >Wonder why it is every pony can’t have a good home while you get back to work.
  435.  
  436. **
  437.  
  438. >*ring ring*
  439. Hello.
  440. >"Give me sex."
  441. Fluttershy?
  442. >"Please give me the D."
  443. Fucking . . . Fluttershy, it's three in the morning.
  444. >"If you want I could come over and, um, give you the D instead."
  445. . . .
  446. >"Oh, um, I mean sex, not--"
  447. Fluttershy.
  448. >"I mean my lady D, my V."
  449. Fluttershy.
  450. >"Please, put your P in my V."
  451. Oh my God, just let me go to sleep!
  452. >". . . Okay, I'm sorry."
  453. Good night.
  454. >"Good ni--"
  455. >*click*
  456. >. . .
  457. >*ring ring*
  458. What?!
  459. >"Eep!"
  460. What is it now?
  461. >"Um, if this is a bad time--"
  462. No, just say what you want so I can go back to sleep."
  463. >"I mean, I can call later if you're--"
  464. Fluttershy!
  465. >"Eep! Okay, okay, I'll talk."
  466. . . . Well?
  467. >"I just wanted to say that it was your D I wanted in my V, not your P."
  468. Okay . . .
  469. >"Some ponies think there isn't a difference between the two. But there is!"
  470. Okay, good, now let's all go back to sleep.
  471. >"Do you want to hear what the difference is?"
  472. You can tell me tomorrow, okay?
  473. >"Um, okay."
  474. Now goodnight.
  475. >"Goodnight."
  476. >. . .
  477. Fluttershy, hang up.
  478. >"I love you."
  479. >*click*
  480. >Fucking finally
  481. >. . .
  482. >Oh no
  483. >There's no way this is over yet
  484. >*ring ring*
  485. Yes?
  486. >"It takes a real sex expert to know the difference between a D and a P."
  487. Goddammit, Fluttershy, you're a virgin.
  488. >"That doesn't mean I'm not an expert."
  489. I'm hanging up.
  490. >"I know a lot. I swear!"
  491. Goodnight.
  492. >. . .
  493. Fluttershy?
  494. >"You ever rutted with a sex expert before?"
  495. >*click*
  496. >Rip the phone cord out from the wall
  497. >That'll give you about an hour until she comes over herself
  498. >Fucking Fluttershy
  499.  
  500. >*ring ring*
  501. >Goddammit, why does this keep happening at three in the morning
  502. What?
  503. >. . .
  504. Hello?
  505. >*Heavy Breathing*
  506. Fluttershy, is that you?
  507. >*Heavy Breathing*
  508. I'm hanging up. Don't call back.
  509. >. . .
  510. You hear me?
  511. >*fapfapfapfapfap*
  512. >*click*
  513. Weirdo.
  514. >*ring ring*
  515. >Nope
  516. >Pull the phone cord out from the wall
  517. >Go back to sleep
  518. >Soon you're dreaming
  519. >And in your dreams
  520. >*Heavy Breathing*
  521. Uh . . . hello?
  522. >. . .
  523. >*fapfapfapfapfap*
  524. >Oh God, it's taken over your dreams!
  525. >Wake up with your heart racing
  526. What the fuck was that?
  527. >You stare at the phone warily for a while before plugging it back in
  528. >Wait for it
  529. >. . .
  530. >No calls come
  531. >Finally
  532. >Hear something coming from the dark corner of the room
  533. >*Heavy Breathing*
  534. >There's a pony tucked away in the darkness, watching you
  535. >You steel your nerves
  536. Who are you?
  537. >From the darkness appears Princess Luna, bleary-eyed and disheveled
  538. What do you want?
  539. >She fixes you in her twitchy stare
  540. >Then moves her hoof swiftly below her waist
  541. >*fapfapfapfapfap*
  542. >*Heavy Breathing Intensifies*
  543. Gross.
  544. >*ring ring*
  545. >Goddammit
  546. What?!
  547. >"Eep!"
  548. >Fucking Fluttershy
  549. What do you want?
  550. >"Um, please don't be offended, but you sound upset. Is this a bad time to talk?"
  551. Is this a bad time? Fluttershy, you know what time it is.
  552. >"I don't want to be a bother."
  553. That's a lie.
  554. >"Do you want me to call back later?"
  555. No.
  556. >*click*
  557. >God, she's a pain
  558. >*Heavy Breathing*
  559. >*fapfapfapfapfap*
  560. >Oh yeah, that's still happening
  561. Hey!
  562. >Luna freezes with her arm trapped down between her thighs
  563. Are you going to be done soon?
  564. >She stares, her nostrils flaring
  565. Because I can't go to bed with you intruding like this.
  566. >Luna stares
  567. So are you going to be long?
  568. >. . .
  569. Well?!
  570. >*fapfapfapfapfap intensifies*
  571. >She lets loose a primal whinny and falls onto the floor, rubbing herself furiously
  572. >Great
  573. >*ring ring*
  574. >Oh, fucking perfect
  575. >You answer slowly
  576. What do you want, Fluttershy?
  577. >"Do you have time to talk with me now?"
  578. >Look at Luna, who's bucking her hips against your echoing floorboards
  579. >She shoves her whole hoof in her cunt and starts cumming, neighing and farting
  580. >"Um, are you busy?"
  581. >Sigh
  582. No I've got some time to talk.
  583. >Fluttershy gasps
  584. >"Really?"
  585. >You watch as Luna starts sniffing her slimey hoof
  586. >She licks it, smiles as though she's just discovered the tastiest thing in the world, and then reaches down with both hooves
  587. >You shut your eyes and try to focus on the side of your head where the phone is
  588. >"Are you still there?"
  589. Yeah I'm here, and it looks like I'm not going anywhere. So chat away, cause I will not hang up on you.
  590. >Fluttershy gets excited
  591. >"I'm going to go get my fetish list. The big one!"
  592. >Feel something poke your arm
  593. >Luna's holding her slimey hoof out in front of you
  594. >"You want a taste of this? It's better than Moon Pies."
  595. >Hear what sounds like a bomb being dropped on Fluttershy's end
  596. >"You still there? I had to get the list out from behind the door."
  597. >You have got to get rid of this phone sometime
  598.  
  599. >*ring ring*
  600. >A phone call at three in the morning used to mean something
  601. Hello.
  602. >Silence, except for some fumbling
  603. Fluttershy, what are you--
  604. >"Yes, I'm here."
  605. Great, Fluttershy, now get to the point.
  606. >"Oh . . . well, I'd like to have, um, phone sex with you--please."
  607. >. . .
  608. >A phone call at three in the morning doesn't mean shit anymore
  609. >Sigh externally
  610. So, phone sex.
  611. >"Yes, please."
  612. I feel like you already know what my answer is, and yet you decided to call and bother me anyway.
  613. >"That just shows that I'll always care for you."
  614. >Jesus Christ, this mare is going to torment you until the day you die
  615. >Maybe you could use your phone cord to hang yourself
  616. >"I promise it'll be nice."
  617. Sure, for you.
  618. >"I'll do all the work. You can just lie back and wait for me to come."
  619. Just to be clear, you know phone sex is not just you coming over and raping me while I'm on the phone.
  620. >"Yes I know."
  621. So you won't come over, right?
  622. >"Well, no, not if we're having phone sex."
  623. Good, cause you can't get in anyway. I changed the locks again.
  624. >"I know--uh, I mean, now I know."
  625. Yeah, that was really news to you, huh?
  626. >She lets loose a nervous laugh that's also the sign that she'll have found a new way into your house by morning
  627. >Fluttershy is better at that than Houdini, but definitely worse at sex
  628. >You just frown
  629. >It don't matter
  630. >None of this matters
  631. >"So are you ready to be sexed over the phone?"
  632. Yeah, sure. I'm used to being screwed by this phone by now.
  633. >"Well I hope you like it dirty, mister, cause--"
  634. >Hear some more fumbling, then a large clattering
  635. >Fluttershy, sounding distant, curses in G rated language
  636. >"Horsefeathers! Motherbucking sugar honey iced tea!"
  637. >Hear her hoof steps coming to the phone
  638. >She picks it up
  639. >"Sorry, but the phone slipped right out from my hooves and slid across the floor."
  640. To be fair, it's amazing you can hold a phone at all.
  641. >"Especially when it's so slippery."
  642. Wait, slippery?
  643. >"Uh-huh."
  644. >She grunts
  645. >"It's really slick and wet."
  646. Ah, so you're starting now.
  647. >"Oh, well, I've got the phone if you're ready."
  648. >Didn't even know it was up to you
  649. >You might as well put her on speaker and let her do whatever while you try to rest
  650. Feel free to sex away.
  651. >"Wonderful. I just real quick need to reapply some lube to the receiver."
  652. . . . You mean your phone or--
  653. >"There we go. Oh, I hope you're ready to be inside me."
  654. Uh, Fluttershy--
  655. >"No words, my love. Just listen."
  656. >The phone drops from her ear
  657. >You hear her entire being shudder and moan as she drags her earpiece down along her chest
  658. >Then there's a wet smack as the phone comes to a halt
  659. >You're glued to your own phone in shock and horror
  660. >She was right: There are no words
  661. >"H-Here I go . . . Unf!"
  662. >You know that noise lotion makes when you squeeze your dick really hard while fapping
  663. >Imagine that, but times a hundred, while also feeling like you've just been violated
  664. >Time comes to a complete stop
  665. >It's hard to form words after something like that, but you manage
  666. F-Fluttershy?
  667. >You can hear her heavy Breathing but in kind of an echoey way
  668. Hello?
  669. >"Oh my goodness, we're connected!"
  670. >Even on speaker phone and with her yelling, she sounds muffled
  671. >"Can you feel yourself inside me? Oh, it's so nice."
  672. Fluttershy . . . dear God, Fluttershy, what have you done?
  673. >"Yeah, keep talking inside me! It feels so good!"
  674. >Your head falls into your hands
  675. >Man, just think, you could've hung yourself and avoided all this
  676. Fluttershy, you are my burning everlasting hell.
  677. >"Yes," she pants, "keep talking while I sex myself!"
  678. >Now everything sounds like a hot dog being shoved in and out of a cup of warm tapioca pudding
  679. >You're disgusted, yet fascinated, yet disgusted by your fascination
  680. >It may finally be time for you to seek help for all the damage this mare has done to your soul
  681. >She grunts
  682. >"I know I can get all of it in if I shove--"
  683. >*Schlorp!*
  684. >"Ah! Oh sweet Celestia, it slipped again!"
  685. >*click*
  686. >Yeah, like you're gonna be able to sleep after that
  687. >Fucking Fluttershy
  688.  
  689. >You eagerly watch the clock
  690. >2:59 am
  691. >Yesterday Fluttershy tried to have phone sex with you
  692. >Normally you'd try to suppress something like that from all memory
  693. >But she ended up having to go to the hospital for an emergency phone removal
  694. >She hardly ever has to pay for her shenanigans like that
  695. >So you want to take full advantage of this and rib her relentlessly when she calls
  696. >And she will call
  697. >She always does
  698. >3:00 am
  699. >*ring ring*
  700. >You smile and answer slowly
  701. Hey, buddy.
  702. >. . .
  703. >Heh, she can't even answer right away
  704. >You just know you've got her squirming in her seat, phone related injuries aside
  705. >3:00 am brings out the worst in you
  706. You there, pal?
  707. >"Um, yes," she says meekly. "Hello."
  708. So how was the hospital? They got the phone out, I see.
  709. >"Yeah. . . . It was very uncomfortable."
  710. Heh, I'll bet.
  711. >Crickets chirping
  712. >You can't be done yet though
  713. >Hmm, what else can you say?
  714. So was the doctor surprised that it wasn't a long tube-shaped vegetable stuck in there this time?
  715. >Fluttershy shortly sighs
  716. >"You know what, why don't you shut up."
  717. >Woah!
  718. What's your problem?
  719. >"My problem is you. It takes all day for me to work up the courage to call you, but all you ever do is give me lip and put me down for ever even trying to get you to notice me. I try to be nice, and sometimes I'm overbearing in that, but you've never tried to work with me. You're content to do nothing, to hurt me just as easily as you answer your phone. I didn't ask for these feelings. Not that you care, though. Oh, no, cause you're too cool to care about anything. No, you can't care or be passionate or love anyone or even feel anything without being scared that your little shield of irony will crumble and reveal you for what you really are, which is a sad, scared little alien boy who won't open himself up to any part of the new, welcoming world around him without feeling afraid that his manhood will come up short."
  720. . . .
  721. It always ends up coming back to my manhood with you, doesn't it?
  722. >She groans
  723. >"I just can't believe you sometimes."
  724. Yeah, well, you're not the little lovesick martyr you think you are. You're the problem. And if you think I'm going to be the one of us who magically changes so that everyone can be happy, then you--
  725. >*click*
  726. >Huh, she hung up on you
  727. >First time that's ever happened
  728. >Well whatever
  729. >She'll get over herself eventually
  730. >Then she'll call you back again
  731. >She always does
  732. >3:00 am brings out the worst in her
  733. >You sigh and crawl back in bed
  734. I never asked for this.
  735. >Fucking Fluttershy
  736.  
  737. >*ring ring*
  738. >Yeah, that woke you up
  739. >Same rape time, same rape channel
  740. >*ring ring*
  741. So you came crawling back to me, you cheap piece of--
  742. >Hear some fumbling, then a large clattering
  743. >"Motherbucker! You stupid phone!"
  744. >Oh dear God, she's going to try phone sex again!
  745. >*click*
  746. >You bring your knees to your chest and stare at the phone from the fetal position
  747. >Please no, please no, please no . . .
  748. >*ring ring*
  749. >She's out for blood this time
  750. Okay look, I'll apologize, I'll try any fetish you want. Just please don't shove anything in your cunt.
  751. >. . .
  752. Hello?
  753. >"Hello?"
  754. >. . .
  755. Uh, Fluttershy?
  756. >"You want something?"
  757. What the--you called me.
  758. >"Yeah, and?"
  759. >She sounds tired, and still kinda pissed
  760. Fluttershy, are you alright?
  761. >You hear her sniff
  762. >Then she burps so gnarly that you can smell the green effervescing bubbles coming up from her rumbly gullet
  763. >"Oh my, thas better. Jus preten you didn't saw dat."
  764. >Okay, now you can hear she's slurring
  765. Fluttershy--
  766. >"I didn't wake ya, did I?!"
  767. >And she just shouted that
  768. Are you drunk, Fluttershy?
  769. >"Nah."
  770. >. . .
  771. >"I mean, even if I was, I can still talk."
  772. Barely.
  773. >"Well we don't needa talk, if you know what I mean, cause we can do other stuff with each other, if you catch my drift. You get what I'm layin' down?"
  774. I just want to sleep.
  775. >"Yeah, me too. How'd ya know I was horny?"
  776. Look, just stay away.
  777. >"You're the one wanted to talk."
  778. You called me.
  779. >"And ya answered. Probably cause you want suma dis hot D."
  780. It's because you would've tried to break in if I hadn't, and in your current state you'd probably have broken a window.
  781. >"Nah, I can pick anythin'."
  782. Either way you always come over.
  783. >"You always come over."
  784. Do you even know what you mean with that comeback?
  785. >"Yeah . . . I'm not stupid."
  786. Then what's it mean?
  787. >. . .
  788. Well?
  789. >"Huh?"
  790. Did you already forget what I said?
  791. >"No, but I wanna ask: U want sum fuk?"
  792. What do you think?
  793. >"I think you should come over, so you can cum--like, all the time."
  794. No thanks.
  795. >"Well you should."
  796. You should go to bed.
  797. >"I can't sleep."
  798. Can't or won't?
  799. >"Please just come over. Have I ever told ya I'm a sex expert? I am one, but I just don't have anyone to help me prove it."
  800. >She tries to speak but her voice catches
  801. >"It hurts."
  802. >You hear her sniffling
  803. >"What is it you want that I don't have?"
  804. >A softer tone than intended touches your voice
  805. Fluttershy, we're just--
  806. >"It's a fat butt, like Rarity's, isn't it?!"
  807. >Oh, this can't be good
  808. >"I knew it. I heard you say to Spike once that you thought she had a fabul-ass."
  809. >You were home eating lunch when you said that
  810. >Fucking Stalkershy
  811. >"Is that why you don't like me, you don't think I have a fabul-ass?"
  812. >She's not even saying it right, you have to say it like you're saying 'fabulous'
  813. >"I can get an ass like her's. It's not hard to eat chocolate truffles and sit for most of the day. Is that hard?! Would you say something!"
  814. This is awkward.
  815. >"But all we're talking about is my butt. We've done this before, or do you only like to talk about Rarity's fabul-ass now? What about my butter butt, huh?"
  816. >Her trembling voice breaks following an outburst of sobs
  817. >"Why do you hate my butter butt?!"
  818. >Please God, make it stop
  819. Fluttershy--
  820. >*click*
  821. >You sit still for a moment before slowly hanging up
  822. >You feel terrible, even though you shouldn't
  823. >You miss when she used to just annoy you
  824. >All this sadness is hurting you
  825. >Fucking Fluttershy
  826.  
  827. >*ring ring*
  828. >Really not looking forward to this after yesterday
  829. Hello?
  830. >"Um, hello, I'm a hot available mare who's looking for a cute stud to help fill her time."
  831. >She's giggling as she says this
  832. >"Do you want to talk? I'm so lonely."
  833. >You roll your eyes
  834. >At least she's being her normal, rapey self again
  835. >"You still there, um, Mr. Sexypants?"
  836. Look Fluttershy, I know you don't care, but I'm tired. We've also been over the whole roleplaying thing before, so hearing you doing this to me right now seriously depresses me.
  837. >"Aw, don't be like that, Don Giddany."
  838. >Man, she's given you so many petnames over time that the new ones are starting to make no sense
  839. >"I just want someone to talk to, and you sound cute. Tell me, what do you like, what, um, turns you on?"
  840. I said I wasn't doing this.
  841. >"I heard you don't do a lot of things. So, Don Giddany, would you rather it if we just get to the phone sex?"
  842. Don't you dare!
  843. >"Woah, wait--"
  844. I mean it, I'll go out and cut down all the utility poles right now.
  845. >"Okay, it was just a joke. Calm down."
  846. You should know better than to joke about that.
  847. >She really should
  848. >Just then you hear her mumbling
  849. >She normally does this, but this time it sounds like she's actually whispering to someone else
  850. >". . . not catching on. . . ."
  851. >". . . hear you. . . ."
  852. Hello? Fluttershy?
  853. >You clearly hear someone other than her clear their throat
  854. >"Sorry about earlier. Look, how about we do just talk?"
  855. By we you mean you, me and whoever's with you?
  856. >"There's no pony here but you and me."
  857. Whatever. I know you're up to something.
  858. >"But I know how you feel about pranks, and I would never try to trick you, Don Giddany."
  859. And why do you keep calling me that?
  860. >"Calling you what?"
  861. That name.
  862. >"Um, what name?"
  863. Don Giddany!
  864. >You hear the giggling again
  865. >"Oh, I call you that because every pony knows--"
  866. >Then her voice changes to Dash's:
  867. >"--You Don Giddany horse pussy, faggot!"
  868. Wait, what.
  869. >Laughter comes rolling out from the phone like a barrel
  870. >"That was great, Dashie. Is he laughing?"
  871. >"I don't know, but he should be. That was so sweet."
  872. Dash?
  873. >"Oh man, I got you so good. I wish I could see your face. Describe it to me, would ya?"
  874. >"Yeah, are you smiling? Dashie, put it on speaker."
  875. >"You hear that? Pinkie wants you to talk about how blown away you are right now."
  876. Fuck off, Dash. Put Fluttershy back on.
  877. >"Wait, you still think she's here?!"
  878. What? She was on the phone just a second ago.
  879. >"Okay this is, like, too perfect."
  880. >Hear Dash turn away from the phone
  881. >"Get this, he still thinks he talked to Fluttershy on the phone!"
  882. >They both roll out the barrel again, real wood stomping laughter
  883. What, what the fuck is so funny about that?
  884. >"That wasn't Fluttershy, it was just me doing an impression."
  885. But it sounded just like her.
  886. >"I mean, I'm clearly the best at it, but it's not exactly hard to get Fluttershy's voice down."
  887. >In a perfect mimic of Fluttershy, she says:
  888. >"Most mares I know can do it."
  889. So you were fucking with me the whole time.
  890. >"Yeah--"she snickers"--and you totally didn't even know!"
  891. >"Is he still laughing? Wow, what a great prank."
  892. >Dash sighs
  893. >"But to be fair I can't blame ya. I even impressed myself with this one."
  894. Why don't you go away and rub one out to the sound of your own voice then?
  895. >"Sheesh. It was just a prank."
  896. Fuck. Yourself. You literally tricked me into thinking you were Fluttershy, you know, the mare who's the reason I'm in counseling.
  897. >"Right. . . . That therapist you're seeing, should probably tell you now that it's just been me in a wig this whole time, and this is all just part of your treatment."
  898. I'm glad you think you're so hilarious, Dash.
  899. >"I'm not Rainbow Dash, I am your ther-rapist."
  900. Goodbye.
  901. >In an Austrian accent, she intones:
  902. >"For the next phase of your treatment I want you to go do it with Fluttershy and, like, really blow both of your minds. Then--Bam!--no more therapy needed."
  903. >"That would make all this a truly life changing prank."
  904. >*click*
  905. >Maybe now you can get some--
  906. >*ring ring*
  907. >Fuck everything!
  908. WHAT?!?!
  909. >"Eep! I'm so sorry, I just--is this a bad time?"
  910. >Well at least you know that's the real Fluttershy
  911. Yeah, it is a bad time, because you caught me just after your dumbass Pink Floyd-looking dyke friend called me up pretending to be you.
  912. >"Oh my, I hope you don't think I had something to do with that."
  913. Well that depends . . . are you a hot available mare who's looking for a stud to help fill her time?
  914. >". . . I know I'm not allowed to roleplay. You don't have to test me."
  915. I know. It's just that that's what I went through a second ago.
  916. >"I'm sorry. I'll make sure to talk to her soon."
  917. Thanks.
  918. >"But, um, what else did she say?"
  919. Oh, not much.
  920. >You sigh
  921. Don Giddany.
  922. >"Huh?"
  923. Don Giddany.
  924. >"Don Giddany?"
  925. Yeah, you Don Giddany of this hot monkey cock, faggot!
  926. >*click*
  927. >Man, you can see why Dash enjoyed that so much
  928. >Just for that you'll let the utility poles stay up
  929. >For now, anyway
  930.  
  931. >Be showering in the morning
  932. >*ring ring*
  933. >Wait, was that your phone?
  934. >*ring ring*
  935. >It's actually ringing at a time that isn't three in the morning
  936. >*ring ring*
  937. >Holy crap, you gotta answer that!
  938. >*beep*
  939. >'Sorry I couldn't make it to the phone right now . . .'
  940. >Nope!
  941. >Shut off the water and jump out of the shower
  942. >Immediately slip on the bathroom floor
  943. >Fall on top of your shoulder
  944. OW!
  945. >Clutch your shoulder
  946. Son of a bitch!
  947. >'. . . Please leave your name and number, and I'll get back to you as soon--'
  948. Wait! I'm coming, just wait!
  949. >You come speed-limping out from the bathroom with one hand on your shoulder and the other holding a bunched-up Wonderbolts towel in front of your junk
  950. >You see the living room phone
  951. >'. . . Alright, call me back anytim--'
  952. Noooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo--
  953. >You jump forward and grab the phone
  954. >And then slide forward with full force and crash into the nightstand
  955. >Fall and knock everything down to the floor, including your phone, which is in your hand
  956. >Yeah, you held onto the ball!
  957. >Bring your hand up
  958. Hello?!
  959. >Silence
  960. >Look and see Dash's smug, smiling face staring at you
  961. >Yeah, you're talking to your Wonderbolts towel
  962. >Toss it aside and bring the phone to your ear
  963. Yes, hello, I'm here.
  964. >. . .
  965. Hello?
  966. >"Please hold for the princess."
  967. >It's Luna's assistant!
  968. Oh, crap!
  969. >*click*
  970. >No way you're about to get on the line with that weirdo today
  971. >She always shows up in your house whenever you do
  972. >Oh man, you really hope she is just on the other line this time
  973. >Look around the room
  974. >Nothing
  975. >Alright, just keep calm and listen for fapping noises
  976. >Close your eyes
  977. >*ring ring*
  978. >Damn
  979. >Pick up the phone slowly
  980. H-Hello?
  981. >Hear someone clear their throat
  982. >"Hello. Please hold for Princess Celestia."
  983. >Wait, the good princess wants to talk to you?
  984. >Hear the line switch over
  985. >"Hello?"
  986. Hello, princess?
  987. >"Ah, yes, hello. I'm glad I was able to get through this time."
  988. >Yeah, that's Celestia
  989. >You can practically see her smiling on the other line
  990. >"So is this a bad time?"
  991. A bad time . . . ?
  992. >Nah, you only busted your ass trying to get this call
  993. >Wow, the floor is really cold on your back
  994. >Sit up
  995. It's a perfect time. How are you, princess?
  996. >"I'm doing fine, thanks."
  997. >. . .
  998. >Huh, awkward pause
  999. >Odd, you thought this was the normal princess
  1000. So, can I help you with something?
  1001. >"Ah, yes, thank you."
  1002. >She clears her throat
  1003. >"Forgive me for being blunt, but I was actually hoping to speak with you about your's and my sister's, um, rather deviant extracurricular activities."
  1004. Oh . . . really?
  1005. >"Yes. . . ."
  1006. And you're talking about the rape, right?
  1007. >"We are talking about the rape."
  1008. >Man, and here you thought this was going to be a good phone call
  1009. >Hear her sigh
  1010. >You have a bad feeling this is going to end with you becoming the royal masseur
  1011. >"I'm afraid that I must be the bearer of bad news and say that all contact between you and her must cease immediately."
  1012. >Woah, hang on, that's great news
  1013. Seriously?
  1014. >"Well, I take all business relating to our royal affairs very seriously--so, yes, seriously."
  1015. >Wow, seriously
  1016. >Ponies being reasonable?
  1017. >No way this can be real
  1018. >This better not be a dream, moon horse, so help you . . .
  1019. >"I understand this might come as a shock to you, but try to understand the damage to her reputation she faces, were anyone to find out about what the two of you were doing in each other's company."
  1020. >You recall a distant memory of Moon Pies
  1021. >Your spine shivers
  1022. Yeah, I see what you mean.
  1023. >"I'm glad you agree. I know by her word that you both enjoyed each other's company very much."
  1024. >Is that how the little fapper put it?
  1025. >Either way, this is great
  1026. >You're so glad you shattered your ass answering this call
  1027. >"So do you understand just why I'm asking you to make this sacrifice? Do you understand the position that she is in, and that you are in?"
  1028. >You hum
  1029. Well . . .
  1030. >You take your time in answering her
  1031. >You ain't got no problems right now
  1032. . . . Well, for the good of Equestria, I could see how it would be beneficial for her to no longer have any way to contact me.
  1033. >"I'd understand it if you were upset. I do not enjoy playing the tyrant myself, but this must be done."
  1034. >She lowers her voice to a conspirators tone
  1035. >"This could also be for your own safety. She has many suitors who are very competitive with each other, and extremely jealous of any affection she shows towards others."
  1036. >Man, imagine being in love with an autist who eats her own cum
  1037. >You stifle a chuckle
  1038. All the more reason for me to completely agree to your terms, princess. I can see now how our meetings could be dangerous.
  1039. >"I'm glad that you understand. Thank you for your cooperation, and of course considerable compensation will be dispensed for agreeing with me."
  1040. >Oh man, now you're getting paid to not get raped?
  1041. >You may be lying wet and naked on the floor with your bruised ass, but things are seriously looking up
  1042. I really appreciate what you're doing for me, princess. All of it.
  1043. >She hums shrewdly
  1044. >"Really? All of it?"
  1045. >Oh man, you know that tone she's using, you recognize it from Fluttershy
  1046. >It's the 'I'm about to be a very troublesome pony' tone
  1047. >You can even hear her laughing under her breath
  1048. Something the matter, princess?
  1049. >"It's just, if I didn't know better, I'd think that you almost sound relieved not to have to deal with my sister any longer."
  1050. Uh, yeah, I am relieved, especially after what you told me.
  1051. >"But tell me, are there any other reasons you would be relieved?"
  1052. >Oh man, just how much did that autist Luna tell her sister?
  1053. >Did she tell her about the masturbation?
  1054. >You'd have to be pretty fucked up to--
  1055. >Oh man, she probably did
  1056. Uh . . .
  1057. >"I only ask because my sister hasn't had a successful suitor in many a century."
  1058. Oh, really?
  1059. >Yes, really
  1060. >Look at you, acting like you're surprised to hear that
  1061. >"I guess it really isn't my place to ask you for gossip."
  1062. >Hey, if she wants dirt on her sister, then who are you that you would not serve your kingdom?
  1063. Well to be honest with you, your sister kind of creeped me out.
  1064. >"Oh really?"
  1065. >At this you can practically hear her straightening up in her seat
  1066. >"Well, I certainly didn't hear this side of the story. What did she do?"
  1067. >Hmm, now do you tell the most powerful pony in the land that you think her sister is a creepy rapist?
  1068. >Would she take offense to that?
  1069. >Well, they are sisters
  1070. For starters she was super clingy.
  1071. >She lets out a short laugh
  1072. >"That shouldn't be a problem any longer."
  1073. Yeah. She never seemed to listen to me, she never wanted to do what I wanted to do. She was always in my space when I didn't want her to be. She was never interested in holding up a conversation, unless it was about my dreams, but then only if they were sexy--and it was always right in the middle of them.
  1074. >"Yes, yes, go on."
  1075. But the worst thing . . .
  1076. >She's snickering
  1077. >"Go on . . . !"
  1078. The worst thing was, well, she just smelled kind of funny.
  1079. >Now she was laughing very loudly, and you were suppressing a grin
  1080. Probably went too far with that one.
  1081. >"No, I totally get it. She smells just like stale Moon Pies, right?"
  1082. Hah! Yeah, that's exactly it.
  1083. >"I know. I've told that to everyone else in the castle at one point or another, but no one else has ever seemed to notice it."
  1084. >You both laugh
  1085. >Huh, this princess is actually pretty cool
  1086. >Her laughter eases down and ends in one long, drawn-out moan
  1087. >"You know, you sound cute. I can see why my sister likes you."
  1088. >You frown
  1089. Uh, heh, thanks for the compliment.
  1090. >. . .
  1091. . . . So, uh--
  1092. >"What are you wearing?"
  1093. Wait, what?
  1094. >She giggles shrewdly
  1095. >"Again, forgive me for my bluntness, but I really want to hear you talk about that strange, tasty little body of yours."
  1096. You're joking, right?
  1097. >"Well, I remember saying something about taking all royal business very seriously, and, well, I feel I've been ignoring my own royal business for far too long."
  1098. Seriously, you're coming onto me, after everything you just said involving your sister?
  1099. >"Oh, I think you'll find I'm only clingy when it counts."
  1100. >Man, and this was the one phone call that seemed to be going well, too
  1101. >Again, if this is a dream, then you're dead, moon horse
  1102. I'm hanging up.
  1103. >"Do it and you'll find your property taxes raised by however many inches you're packing under that towel."
  1104. >You gulp
  1105. Towel?
  1106. >"Look over here."
  1107. >Hear some tapping coming from the other side of the room
  1108. >Look past your shoulder
  1109. >See that Princess Celestia is giving you bedroom eyes from behind your sliding-glass door
  1110. >"Good morning, sunshine."
  1111. How did . . . ?
  1112. >She lifts her brick-shaped, solar powered cell phone back up to her ear
  1113. >"Your princess likes what she sees."
  1114. >Her thirsty eyes look you up and down
  1115. >Swallow a lump in your throat and say into the phone:
  1116. I'm going to have to call you back, I think I'm about to be raped.
  1117. >"Very perceptive observation."
  1118. >You grab the towel and cover up
  1119. >"Aw, don't do that."
  1120. >She pulls the towel away with her magic
  1121. >"It's a gorgeous day out. Perfect for popping off those clothes of yours and soaking up some of that"--she bites her lip--"Vitamin D!"
  1122. >The second you try to get up a yellow aura surrounds your limbs and holds you down
  1123. >Princess Celestia tosses her phone aside and steps toward your door
  1124. >You locked that, right?
  1125. >She slides it open with ease
  1126. >Oh, right, nothing ever stays locked around here for long
  1127. >Princess Celestia licks her lips and bears her great body down on top of you
  1128. >You can already feel her magic strengthening your manhood, pressing your blushing head, swelling with blood, against the lips of her hot sticky pussy
  1129. >She licks her lips and locks eyes with you
  1130. >"I hope you're not allergic to Vitamin P."
  1131. >She starts smacking your rod against her tiny clenched hole
  1132. >She leans down, blows in your ear, and then whispers:
  1133. >"Cause there's two ways you can take it."
  1134. >You close your eyes
  1135. I need an adult.
  1136. >"I'm the ruler of all the adults."
  1137. >She leans forward and begins tickling your chin with her pillow-sized chest fluff
  1138. >Wince and turn your head away
  1139. I want my mommy.
  1140. >"Oh yes! Call me mommy again!"
  1141. >She cups the back of your head with her hoof and shoves your face into her downy fluff
  1142. >It tickles all in your eyes and mouth, like someone were brushing you with a light white feather duster
  1143. >She presses you deep into her fluff, up until you can feel her fur tickling your ears
  1144. >You try to scream but her fluff muffles you
  1145. >She moans and rests her chin on top of your head
  1146. >"Mmm, soak it all in, cutie. Get a taste of what the rest of your compensation will be like."
  1147. >Wait, this is supposed to be your compensation?
  1148. This is bullshit!
  1149. >Her chest tingles with your muffled scream
  1150. >"Ah! Oh, that felt good. Do it again!"
  1151. >She rubs your face all over her fluff, her moans coming deep from within her, shaking your entire body
  1152. >"Tell me how that fluff smells! Tell me it's better than stale Moon Pies!"
  1153. >Actually, it smells like a musty banana, which is arguably better--but like hell you'd compliment her at a time like this
  1154. >She finally pushes you past her fluff
  1155. >Your nose spears her hard breast
  1156. >It's time to fight the real enemy
  1157. >In your mouth, you gather a supple lip of her flesh, and bite down hard
  1158. >Her moans stifle in her throat and her hoof freezes, cupped behind your head
  1159. >You scrape your teeth across her pinched flesh, ripping it lightly
  1160. >She tenses up, her voice trembling with pain
  1161. >"Ah-Ah-Ah-Ah-Ah-Ah--Ow!"
  1162. >She tries to pull your head back with her magic
  1163. >You bite down harder
  1164. >Yeah, that's what you get, son!
  1165. >Hell yeah, time to show this bitch that you crazy, dog!
  1166. >You got that right, inner monologue!
  1167. >You begin shaking the slip of abused skin between your teeth like you were a ravenous pit bull innocently playing with a toddler, to death
  1168. >She immediately lets out a cry of pain
  1169. >But you don't care, you've been pushed too far
  1170. >You're a straight up killa now that--Oh shit, she's bleeding
  1171. >You let go of her skin and emerge from the fluff, your eyes and nose still ticklish
  1172. >In a clearing haze, she emerges and is staring at you warily
  1173. >Little pools of bright red blood are soaking through her dampened white chest
  1174. >Jesus Christ, you actually bit her and drew blood, like you were insane or homeless or something
  1175. >You part your lips in an attempt to speak
  1176. >Your tongue is immediately coated in the musty iron flavor of blood, which drips down from your easing fangs
  1177. >Cringe as you swallow some down like thick mucus
  1178. >She still hasn't said anything
  1179. >She's just staring at you, like she's in shock
  1180. >You could probably be sent to a dungeon for biting her, maybe even a rape dungeon
  1181. >Maybe even a rape dungeon that has a phone in it
  1182. >Come to think of it that's probably what your personal hell would be like
  1183. >You really should try to defuse this mess you're in with the princess
  1184. >Okay, just tell her you were defending yourself
  1185. >No, wait, your eyes are still watery from the fluff!
  1186. I--Achoo!
  1187. >You sneeze on her
  1188. >Little drops of her own blood splatter all over her wide-eyed face
  1189. >Her eye twitches involuntarily
  1190. >Her nose wrinkles and her nostrils flare as she sniffs the drops of blood soaking her muzzle
  1191. >You swear you see her pupils dilate
  1192. >Then her intense gaze falls directly to you
  1193. >She regards you with a silent, glaring smile
  1194. >"You know, I lied to you earlier."
  1195. . . . Uh, yeah, no shit. I didn't know my compensation was going to only benefit you.
  1196. >She laughs
  1197. >"When I said that earlier, I didn't mean that you were the one who was going to compensated."
  1198. >Oh yeah, sure, of course
  1199. >Because nothing ever gets to work out in your favor as long as you're in horse land
  1200. >She touches her chest with the tip of her hoof and begins circling the bloody pool
  1201. >"All of this is your paying me back for all the attention that you gave my sister, which should have come to me."
  1202. >She removes her soaked hoof and boops you on the nose, leaving a little red dot on the tip
  1203. >She raises her bloody hoof up to her face, as though she were presenting something in the room
  1204. >"But what I lied about earlier, it had to do with the image I hold of myself."
  1205. >She examines her hoof for a moment, then licks her lips while eyeing it
  1206. >Oh God, she isn't . . .
  1207. >She locks eyes with you
  1208. >Then she licks her bloody hoof in one long slow lick, starting from the back of the tongue to the tiniest edge of its flicking tip
  1209. >She smacks her lips and moans
  1210. >"Better than cake."
  1211. >You instinctively spit out the awful taste that's gathered in your mouth
  1212. >She laughs at you again while you do it
  1213. >How does a race of cute technicolor ponies have so many crazies among them?
  1214. >And why do they keep finding you?!
  1215. >Her sticky red tongue circles her mouth, painting her lips like bloody lipstick
  1216. >"You see, I actually do consider myself a tyrant . . ."
  1217. >She bends down and forces a kiss on you, your sloppy bloody lips pushing against each other, your sticky tongues wrestling as spit and blood slide down your throat
  1218. >You turn your head and have a wet coughing fit when she parts from you
  1219. >She smiles and sighs in satisfaction
  1220. >". . . But it's only in the bedroom."
  1221. It's fitting, considering what I've seen from you.
  1222. >"You're in for a rough ride, sunshine. So find some things to enjoy about this while you can still think straight."
  1223. Whatever. You would not believe the things Fluttershy has put me through over the years. There's no way you can break me.
  1224. >She smiles, unaffected
  1225. >"You could at least tell me if I smell better than stale Moon Pies."
  1226. >Just then a lingering smell rises, and both you and Celestia find looks of recognition diffusing among each other
  1227. >"Do you--"
  1228. Ssh! Listen.
  1229. >It comes from a far corner of the room
  1230. >*Heavy Breathing*
  1231. >A dark hunched-over figure slowly emerges from the shadow between the couch and the corner of the wall
  1232. >Deep dark blue eyes, disheveled at the corners by stringy frazzled strands of dark blue mane, stare out at you from behind bloodshot rings
  1233. >Princess Luna appears with no look of apology or embarrassment, but rather a firm frown and a tired, unflinching gaze
  1234. >As you stare she raises and lowers her eyebrows, then sits down in the open and continues watching you expectantly
  1235. >You turn to Celestia
  1236. What is she doing here?
  1237. >"What are you doing here?!" Princess Celestia shouts at her.
  1238. >Luna rolls her eyes, then bites her bottom lip and reaches down between her legs
  1239. >*fapfapfapfapfap*
  1240. >Yeah, that's a sound you're sad to say you recognize
  1241. >And it already has that pulpy squishing sound that she usually doesn't get until the second time too
  1242. >"Luna, get out! This is private princess stuff!"
  1243. >Luna grimaces
  1244. >"Hey, I'm a princess too. So I should get to watch."
  1245. >"No. That's not how it works."
  1246. >"Whatever. You just want to exclude me. You're always trying to make me look like the least favorite."
  1247. >"Oh, please not this old line again."
  1248. >They soon start arguing
  1249. >Goddamn, the fucking floor has been cold on your backside this whole fucking time
  1250. >And having Celestia's fat ass pressing down on your sore ass isn't helping
  1251. >You wish to God that she would just rape you already and get it over with
  1252. >Compared to this, Fluttershy is paradise
  1253. >Hey wait, Fluttershy . . .
  1254. >This could be your trump card
  1255. >She can come save you from being raped!
  1256. >You take a deep breath
  1257. Fluttershy, threesomes are my fetish!
  1258. >Silence, and the princesses both stare at you as your words echo in the room
  1259. >You grin and wait in anticipation
  1260. Hah! You're done now, Molestia. Any second now Fluttershy is going to come in here and find you on top of me, and then you'll both be in deep shit.
  1261. >Your vote of confidence doesn't register with them
  1262. >The princesses share confused looks with each other
  1263. >After a moment you nod to yourself
  1264. Oh yeah, she's always stalking me, so there's no way she didn't hear me. You ought to leave before she gets here.
  1265. >Everyone glances both ways around the room
  1266. She's definitely coming, definitely . . . cooking something up.
  1267. >From the bathroom you hear some water leak out from the shower head and drench the floor
  1268. >Celestia rocks from side to side, adjusting her seat on top of you
  1269. >Luna sniffs her sticky hoof and licks the inside of her mouth
  1270. >She looks to Celestia
  1271. >"What are we doing?"
  1272. >"I don't know. I thought something was going to happen."
  1273. >"Well stop it. If I keep waiting I'm going to lose my mojo over here."
  1274. >"Oh, like you have anything but a sore wrist over there."
  1275. >You start to sweat
  1276. >Goddamn Fucking Fluttershy, why couldn't she be here the one time you actually wanted her to be?
  1277. >Celestia looks down at you with frank, lustrous eyes
  1278. >"Looks like you're stuck with just me then."
  1279. >"And me."
  1280. >"Luna, please don't start."
  1281. >"Fine."
  1282. >Your heart seizes as Celestia starts rubbing the sides of your legs with her big white thighs
  1283. >And then your ear focuses on a certain defeating sound
  1284. >It's the dial tone, coming from your phone, which lies right beside your head
  1285. >She notices
  1286. >"Oh, I guess we better take care of that."
  1287. >Using her magic, she lifts your hand up over the phone, eases your palm down onto its back, squeezes your fingers until you have a grip around its neck
  1288. >Then you pick it up and slowly ease the phone down onto the receiver, the mouthpiece rocking into place first, shortly followed by the falling earpiece
  1289. >*click*
  1290. >"That's better."
  1291. >Celestia looks down at you bluntly with hungry eyes
  1292. >"We wouldn't want anyone else to call and interrupt us now, would we?"
  1293. >You sigh
  1294. Don't worry. I know for a fact that they won't.
  1295. >"Then I guess we have the whole day to ourselves, don't we?"
  1296. >She nods for your answer
  1297. >Then she picks the phone up with her magic and starts rubbing it all over her bloody chest
  1298. >With intense eyes, she smiles in a certain way as she shows you the phone, now covered in dripping blood
  1299. >"And we're really going to rough it this time, which is just the way you want it to be, isn't it?"
  1300. >She bows her head down towards you
  1301. >"I'd like you and I to partake in a new sexual phenomenon I only just read about in the newspaper a few weeks back."
  1302. >You watch carefully as she lifts the phone over her shoulder and brings it down between your spread legs
  1303. >Hear her pick the phone up off the receiver
  1304. >. . .
  1305. >Oh God no!
  1306. >You give her a pleading look
  1307. Not that! Anything but that!
  1308. >She smirks, her eyes showing no sign of mercy or hope or compassion
  1309. >"I see you've heard of phone sex. Not surprising, considering you helped invent it."
  1310. >The dial tone rings out in your ears, the sound of your nightmares
  1311. Seriously, please don't. I already hurt my ass today.
  1312. >"Groveling already? You know we're only just getting start--"
  1313. >"Just shove it up his ass already."
  1314. >Celestia frowns severely at her sister
  1315. >"Would you please stop ruining this for me?!"
  1316. >"Uh, I don't know, would you please be good at sex?"
  1317. >They start glaring at each other
  1318. >Oh great, they're getting started with each other again
  1319. >"Like you'd even know anything about how to have good sex," Celestia says.
  1320. >"That's funny," Luna says, "cause your mom taught me."
  1321. >Luna pumps her hoof
  1322. >You look at the clock
  1323. >Celestia scoffs
  1324. >"Luna, that's your mom too!"
  1325. >"Hah, got you mad!"
  1326. >"You're being stupid."
  1327. >"Whatever. You're so mad right now."
  1328. >"Of course I'm mad, you're being an idiot."
  1329. >"Wow, you're really mad, huh?"
  1330. >Celestia turns red
  1331. >"Shut up!"
  1332. >"The princess of the sun, a real hothead."
  1333. >You sigh
  1334. >They both turn their dagger eyes on you in an instant
  1335. >"You got something you want to say?" Celestia says
  1336. >Shrug
  1337. I mean, I've been in a lot of rape situations thanks to Fluttershy, and I can tell you right now that you're losing me here.
  1338. >"Ha!" Luna says. "I knew you sucked, hothead."
  1339. >Celestia is seething
  1340. I'm just saying, usually Fluttershy is able to keep me engaged, but right now I'm just really bored.
  1341. >Celestia freezes, her scowl easing a bit
  1342. >The phone dials up
  1343. >'We're sorry, but your call cannot be completed as dialed.'
  1344. >She sighs
  1345. >"Yeah, you're right. The moment's ruined."
  1346. >"Knew it."
  1347. >Celestia rolls her eyes and gets up off of you
  1348. >"My apologies, but I'll have to try this again some other time--preferably without the peanut gallery present."
  1349. >Luna blows a raspberry
  1350. >Whatever, at least it's over
  1351. >Except your limbs are still being held down by magic
  1352. >Struggle a bit
  1353. Uh, you think you could let me up now . . . ?
  1354. >She doesn't answer
  1355. >See her staring curiously at the phone
  1356. >Gulp
  1357. Hey, you said the moment was ruined, so can you let me up now? Cause I can barely feel my ass.
  1358. >At the word ass, she perks up a bit
  1359. >Oh dear, maybe that was a mistake
  1360. >She hums questioningly as her eyes keep going from the phone to your waist
  1361. >She surrounds the phone in her aura and lifts it up
  1362. >Okay, maybe she's just going to hang it up
  1363. >See her spitting on it
  1364. >Maybe that's just to clean it
  1365. >She rubs her spit all over it
  1366. >"Okay," she says, pointing the phone at you, "I'm just going to give you one for the road."
  1367. >She positions herself over you
  1368. >You can panic now
  1369. >You start thrashing, trying in vain to break free
  1370. No! Don't do it, I just showered, for Christ's sake!
  1371. >She bows her head to you
  1372. >You feel her soft lips press on your cheek
  1373. >They make a sweet sound when she leaves, taking time to brush her muzzle against your skin
  1374. >You stare up at her soft smile, feeling confused
  1375. >"Affection shouldn't make you feel dirty."
  1376. >So many warm, confusing feelings tickle your upset stomach as you hear these words echo in her eyes
  1377. >Look down past her body and see a night-blue aura lifting the phone
  1378. >Luna's excited face fills your vision
  1379. >"But this should make you feel dirty!"
  1380. >Oh no
  1381. >"Don't clench!"
  1382. >'If you'd like to make a call, please hang up and try aga--'
  1383. >Feel something big pierce your asshole and shove it's way up in your butt
  1384. >You open your mouth to scream, but there are only tears
  1385. >"Luna, why did you do that? We were have a nice moment."
  1386. >"Ha! You're just jealous I got more sex than you."
  1387. >"Yeah, for once."
  1388. >Celestia smirks
  1389. >Luna growls
  1390. >"What was that?"
  1391. >They get into it again
  1392. >Meanwhile you can feel your ass has started bleeding
  1393. >Having a phone stuck up your ass is just as bad as you imagined it
  1394. >Oh God, Fluttershy was right, you can feel the operator's voice vibrating inside you
  1395. >It's fucking horrible!
  1396. >You were not prepared for any of this
  1397. >And Celestia was wrong: affection should make you feel dirty
  1398. >Especially in horse land
  1399. >Never trust affection in horse land
  1400. >EVER!!!!
  1401.  
  1402. >Be laying on your side in bed
  1403. >It's three in the morning
  1404. >It hurts to move
  1405. >You can't sleep
  1406. >You wouldn't want to sleep even if you could
  1407. >The hospital gave you this stupid lime-green seat cushion for you to sit on
  1408. >It's about the size of one ass cheek because it's made for tiny colorful equines
  1409. >But if you don't use it you might accidentally tear the stitches that are in your ass
  1410. >Then you could bleed out and die
  1411. >That's why you're not going to use the seat, because you still have hope that you could die
  1412. >*ring ring*
  1413. >Wrench your eyes shut
  1414. >*ring ring*
  1415. >You slowly reach behind your back and pick up the phone
  1416. What?
  1417. >"Hello there."
  1418. >It's Fluttershy
  1419. >"How are you feeling?"
  1420. >She doesn't sound half as empathetic as she should be, so you don't answer her
  1421. >"It's okay if you, um, don't feel like talking. You can just listen to me, if you'd like."
  1422. >You grunt
  1423. >"So . . . are threesomes your fetish?"
  1424. Fuck you, Fluttershy.
  1425. >*click*
  1426.  
  1427. >*ring ring*
  1428. What is it this time?
  1429. >"Oh, you sound like you're in a bad mood."
  1430. It's three in the morning, you woke me up--I always sound like this.
  1431. >"M-Maybe you should try to find your happy place . . . ?"
  1432. Good thinking.
  1433. >*click*
  1434. >Now you can--
  1435. >*ring ring*
  1436. >Fuck she's gotten so fast at that you don't even get time to lie down anymore
  1437. >And with hooves no less!
  1438. Goddammit, what?!
  1439. >"I'm tired of you always hanging up on me when I call."
  1440. You're tired? You're tired! What about me?
  1441. >"I just wish you'd show me some more respect."
  1442. I wish you'd lose your voice.
  1443. >"I wish you'd come over right now and rut me like an animal."
  1444. I'm hanging up.
  1445. >"You better not."
  1446. Why? What are you going to do about it, faggot?
  1447. >"I-If you do then I'll . . ."
  1448. Goodby--
  1449. >"Then I'll divorce you!"
  1450. >Silence for a moment
  1451. Fluttershy, we're not married.
  1452. >She harrumphs
  1453. >"You don't know everything that I do involving our relationship."
  1454. >That's true
  1455. >But seriously, this mare didn't go ahead and marry herself to you without you somehow knowing
  1456. >Right?
  1457. I don't believe you. Goodbye.
  1458. >"Fine, go ahead and hang up on me. I'll definitely get the house, and my lawyer thinks she can even get me half of what you own back on your world as well."
  1459. >That . . . sounded a lot more confident than she usually ever sounds
  1460. >Oh please, get a grip
  1461. >You are not married to Fluttershy
  1462. >So she can't divorce you
  1463. >R-Right?
  1464. >"Yes, I can divorce you."
  1465. >Oh hell nah
  1466. >Can she read your mind?
  1467. >"Um, I can't read your mind, but I do know you very well. So I should probably add that there's, um, no way for you to know for sure if we're actually married or not."
  1468. >. . .
  1469. >Fuck everything
  1470. >She's right
  1471. >You groan
  1472. Fine, I won't hang up on you.
  1473. >"Yay! Stay there. I'm going to go get the novel I wrote that stars us."
  1474. >Sigh as you hear her put the phone down and trot away
  1475. >She may have you for tonight, but you are definitely checking in with town hall tomorrow about this whole marriage thing
  1476. >Man, she's not going to read your mind about that too, is she?
  1477. >You do not need this crazy pony messing with your records
  1478. >Nah, she couldn't do that
  1479. >R-R-Right?
  1480. >Hear what sounds like a dictionary being slammed down
  1481. >"Okay then, here's chapter one: A Flight of Fancy, an Orgasmic Human Cock!"
  1482. >. . . She wrote an erotic novel starring the two of you
  1483. >She would totally risk jail time in order to fool you into thinking you're married to her
  1484. >But she can't do that if you get to town hall first
  1485. >Hear her clearing her throat, which makes about as much noise as a mouse
  1486. >You gently place the phone down and ease out of bed
  1487. >Start tiptoeing to the door
  1488. >She begins:
  1489. >"The sweaty naked human came out from the sky and drove into the ground with enough force to shake the heavens and earth, much to the surprise of the beautiful pegasus nearby, who had secretly been masturbating among the enormous redwoods of the forbidden forest."
  1490. >Pause just before easing the door shut
  1491. >That opener . . . is actually decent
  1492. >Okay, wait, did you seriously just say that while knowing full well of the atrocities that await the unfortunate reader of her immoral text?
  1493. >Man, all her calls are starting to mess with your head
  1494. >Maybe if she didn't have to do it at fucking three in the Goddamn morning every fucking time!
  1495. >God, you are tired
  1496. >Slap yourself
  1497. >"Are you still there?"
  1498. >You freeze
  1499. Uh . . .
  1500. >". . . Said the dripping wet horny mare."
  1501. >Oh thank God
  1502. >She still thinks you're lying in bed, listening to her soothing voice read her degenerate text
  1503. >Man, bed would be so good for your tired eyes right now
  1504. >And she does have a nice voice, despite the horrible means in which she has used it in your presence over the years
  1505. >Maybe it wouldn't be so bad to let go of your paranoid thoughts and listen to her
  1506. >"Because--if you think you're getting to town hall before me, you've got another thing coming, mister!"
  1507. >Wait, what?
  1508. >"Harry, get the night gear! We're going!"
  1509. >*click*
  1510. >Uh oh
  1511. >Turn on your heel and sprint down the hall
  1512. >Burst out into the cold night air, nothing on but your thin Wonderbolts pajamas
  1513. >As you sprint your nips stiffen, your balls shrink and your nose starts running--all of it happening beneath a cheap fabric covered in head shots of Dash's smug smile
  1514. >And you're yawning, most of the time running blind because your tired eyes can't stay open
  1515. >Soon your eyes don't open again
  1516. >You're somewhat aware that you're sleeprunning
  1517. >Whatever, just as long as it's in the right direction
  1518. >You crash into something, your nose flattening and making a crunching noise similar to lettuce breaking
  1519. >Fall backwards
  1520. >Smack your head against the ground
  1521. >You cover your nose with both hands as blood slides down your nasal passage and sticks to the bottom of your throat
  1522. >Curl up in the fetal position, moaning and groaning
  1523. >Man, the hospital is not going to be happy to be seeing you again so soon
  1524. >You force your swelling eyes open to see what you ran into
  1525. >It looks like a really tall tree
  1526. >Oh, wait, it's a telephone pole
  1527. >Of fucking course it'd be a telephone pole
  1528. >The only thought that's in your head as you pass out is that you wish you had stayed in bed
  1529. >What's the harm in letting her think she's married to you?
  1530. >After all, she's already crazy
  1531. >Oh man, she's probably going to be the one who'll find you
  1532. >Well, at least you'll be unconscious for most of the inappropriate touching
  1533. >You want to hang up on life
  1534. >Fucking Flutterwife
  1535.  
  1536.  
  1537. **Fluttershy taps your phone line**
  1538.  
  1539. >*ring ring*
  1540. "Yeah?"
  1541. >"Hey, dude."
  1542. "Dash, what's going on?"
  1543. >"I got tickets to the next Wonderbolts show, if you want to come see me."
  1544. "That'd be awesome."
  1545. >"Great, I'll just--"
  1546. >"Um, actually, Anon already has plans with me."
  1547. >"Huh?"
  1548. "Flutters, fuck off!"
  1549. >"Fluttershy?"
  1550. >"I gotta go now. Bye!"
  1551. >...
  1552. >"Was that Fluttershy?"
  1553. "Yeah, and she's still on."
  1554. >"N-No I'm not...."
  1555. "Flutters, hang up."
  1556. >"Y-You hang up first."
  1557. "It's my fucking phone!"
  1558. >"Um, Rainbow Dash, do you think you could call back later after Anon and I have made up?"
  1559. >"Uh..."
  1560. "Forget it, Dash. I gotta go. We'll talk about this tomorrow, I guess."
  1561. >"Uh... Sure, I'll see you--"
  1562. >"Bye, Anon, I love you!"
  1563. "I'm hanging up."
  1564. >"Call me late--"
  1565. >*click*
  1566. "Fucking Fluttershy."
  1567. >*ring ring*
  1568. "Oh God... Yes, hello?"
  1569. >"Anonymous, darling!"
  1570. "Oh, good, I'm glad to hear from you, Rarity."
  1571. >"Well, I have the best news for you. I just got done talking with Rainbow Dash, and--"
  1572. >"Anon, are you still mad at me?"
  1573. >...
  1574. >"Um, I said, are you still mad--"
  1575. "Are you still on the line?!"
  1576. >"... Fluttershy, was that--"
  1577. >"Oh, sorry, Rarity. I was just asking Anon if--"
  1578. >"--I didn't mean to interrupt--"
  1579. >"--I'm sorry...."
  1580. >"Well, do go on, dear."
  1581. >"Oh, thank you, Rarity."
  1582. >"Certainly, darling. Just what is it you were wanting to say?"
  1583. >"Oh, I was just wanting to talk to Anon is all."
  1584. >"Fancy that, so was I. Did you know that Rainbow Dash got the tickets she was after?"
  1585. >"Oh, yes, I heard that just--"
  1586. "Well, I'll leave you two to your conversation then while I go out and cut down the landlines."
  1587. >*click*
  1588. "Fucking phones!"
  1589.  
  1590. >*ring ring*
  1591. "What?! What is it now, Fluttershy?!
  1592. >"... Dude, it's just me."
  1593. "Oh. Sorry, Dash, I just--"
  1594. >"Yeah, yeah, it's cool. Actually, I need you to do something for me."
  1595. "You got it. What is it?"
  1596. >"Could you tell Fluttershy to hang up her phone? I'm trying to call her and I keep getting a busy signal."
  1597. >"Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't know you were trying to call me."
  1598. Unbelievable.
  1599. >"I'm sorry, Anon, but I have to talk to Rainbow now. We're just going to have to finish this some other time."
  1600. Finish what? We weren't even talking!
  1601. >"I love y--"
  1602. "Fucking Die!!"
  1603. >*click*
  1604. "Jesus Chr--"
  1605. >*ring ring*
  1606. "Yes, hello?"
  1607. >"Anonymous, darling, it's moi."
  1608. "Hey, Rarity. You need something?"
  1609. >"Actually, I was hoping you could get me through to Fluttershy."
  1610. "Fluttershy...!"
  1611. >"You see, I keep getting a busy signal on her end, and--"
  1612. "Sorry, Rarity, but I'm afraid I can't help you, as I am about to throw my phone across the room."
  1613. >*click*
  1614. >*Crash!*
  1615. "Fucking Flutters--"
  1616. >*knock knock knock*
  1617. >"Anon, it's me, Twilight. Is everything alright in there?"
  1618. "That depends, are you looking for Fluttershy?"
  1619. >"...Is she not there?"
  1620. AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

All there was and need to know [zigzag story archive]

by ZigZagWanderer

The Growth Process

by ZigZagWanderer

A Secret Place

by ZigZagWanderer

Being Natural

by ZigZagWanderer

Counting with Pinkie Pie

by ZigZagWanderer