Trixie and Tree Hugger: The Dynamic Duo


                                            >You hear three knocks at your door.

                                            >You know that it's about that time for you to get another visit from the Great and Powerful Trixie.

                                            >She comes over every morning to try and impress you with her tricks, win your heart, that sort of thing.

                                            >For the most part all she ends up doing is causing serious property damage, especially if you let her come inside.

                                            >But no matter how upset you get with her, she keeps coming back.

                                            >She's got a serious human fetish, that one.

                                            >You open the door.

                                            >On your doorstep, instead of Trixie, is a green pony with red mane in dreadlocks and a yellow bandana tied around her brow.

                                            >She's not even looking at you when you open the door.

                                            >She's just staring open-mouthed at the wooden wind chimes you hung up near your door.

                                            >When you clear your throat she blinks in surprise, almost like you startled her.

                                            >Then she smiles when her relaxed, half-closed eyes meet yours.

                                            >"Oh, hey, dude. It's good to see you."

                                            Yeah, I live here. How can I help you?

                                            >"My name is Tree Hugger."

                                            >She extends her hoof towards you.

                                            >You shake her hoof and tell her your name.

                                            >She nods when she hears your name.

                                            >"That's a nice name, carries a lot of good energy in it, you know?"

                                            Energy?

                                            >"Spirit energy, soul energy, good vibes. You've got a lot of that."

                                            >Oh, now you get it.

                                            >She's in a cult, and she must be out looking for other suckers like her that are dumb enough to join up.

                                            >She steps forward and pats your thigh with her hoof, then looks up at you.

                                            >"I think we could really do each other good if we were to share each other's body energies, you know?"

                                            No, I don't. Look, I don't want to hear your whole spiel, so is there some kind of pamphlet you can just give me?

                                            >"Sorry, but you can't truly connect with others through pamphlets. You need wisdom and rhetoric. You feel me so far?"

                                            No, but you're feeling me. Could you take your hoof off my leg now?

                                            >She looks down at your crotch and starts rubbing the length of your thigh instead.

                                            >"Does that feel good?"

                                            >You sigh irritably.

                                            Look, what exactly are you doing here?

                                            >“As a member of the Equestrian Society for the Preservation of Rare Creatures, I’ve been following your story ever since you arrived here from the cosmos. I saw your picture, and right away I felt like you had been blessed by some divine spirit, you know?”

                                            Are you sure you aren’t in a cult?

                                            >“No, but I dug your vibes.”

                                            You’re not really convincing me here.

                                            >“I also read a quote attributed to you which said that the thought of interspecies sex repelled you and you had chosen to remain celibate.”

                                            Okay, now you really need to stop touching me.

                                            >“I decided to come and see you because, while the thought of strange sex may seem repelling, I wanted you to understand that the feeling was the same. You need to let go of those defensive barriers that your ego has set up and embrace true love with a pony.”

                                            I’ll pass, but thanks for the offer. I’ll be sure to mention it to some of the local stallions that you’re looking to embrace true love or whatever.

                                            >You place your palm on top of her head to try and push her off.

                                            >She chooses this moment to wrap her arms around your thigh and pull her body as close to your leg as she can.

                                            >You flick her ear a few times but you know she isn’t going to let you go.

                                            >Great, as if Trixie wasn’t bad enough.

                                            >Bad enough you already have one, but you seriously don’t need another crazy pony lusting after your dick in this lifetime.

                                            >Just then you clench up, and it’s not just because Tree Hugger was starting to purr and rub her cheek against your leg.

                                            >It’s because you think of something.

                                            >You think that Trixie is going to absolutely shit if she sees this flower pony getting fresh with your leg.

                                            >Considering that Trixie is not the most stable pony to begin with, you really don’t want her to see this and give her an excuse to lose her crazy mind any more than she already has.

                                            >You tap Tree Hugger on the head.

                                            I'm telling you that you really need to stop. I'm expecting someone, and if she sees you doing—

                                            >You and Tree Hugger both jump upon hearing a sudden shriek.

                                            >That’s when you see Trixie trotting towards you both, her face the pure volcanic expression of red boiling rage.

                                            >"What do you think you are doing to the Great and Powerful Trixie's lover?!"

                                            >Tree Hugger gives you a nervous look.

                                            >You purse your lips.

                                            I tried to warn you.

                                            >As Trixie gets closer, Tree Hugger closes her eyes and takes a very deep breath.

                                            >When she exhales the wind seems to pick up and a light breeze brushes past you.

                                            >The gentle sounds of your wind chimes swaying and clacking together swirl and mix in with Trixie's shouts of rage.

                                            >As Trixie approaches the soothed, calm Tree Hugger, you feel your stomach drop suddenly.

                                            >You have a very bad feeling about this meeting of the minds that’s about to take place.


                                            >A little while later, Trixie is nodding along to what Tree Hugger is saying.

                                            >"So you're saying that the greatest strength lies in harmony not only with others, but also with yourself as well?"

                                            >"Righteous," Tree Hugger says. "I knew you'd get it."

                                            >"Well, Trixie feels like she’s been saying the same thing for all the years that she has been Great and Powerful."

                                            >“Right,” Tree Hugger says. “Who is Trixie again?”

                                            >“She’s me,” Trixie says, blushing. “Sorry, I tend to do that. It’s part of my stage show.”

                                            >"Well, I can see why you would develop such a strong self. You've got a very strong aura, but I sense that it had been very self-contained until recently."

                                            >Trixie folds her ears.

                                            >"It's true. Trixie had ponies that admired her for her show, but no pony that Trixie was really close to until just recently. You really see a lot."

                                            >"I only see what is there."

                                            >"You know, I was ready to rip your head off when I saw that you were practically molesting my boyfriend—"

                                            I'm not your boyfriend.

                                            >"Lover, let Trixie talk, please."

                                            I'm not your lover. You need to stop carrying such delusions, and you really need to stop lighting your fireworks on my lawn when I try to shut you out.

                                            >"Then give Trixie a chance!"

                                            Then stop scorching my grass! My lawn is starting to look like a checkerboard.

                                            >Tree Hugger lifts her hoof in the air, interrupting Trixie before she can continue to argue with you.

                                            >Then Tree Hugger, smiling, steps between you both.

                                            >"It seems that there's great disharmony between the both of you. It’s causing your auras to clash and collide head on with each other instead of meet eye to eye."

                                            >Trixie’s eyes pop open.

                                            >"Wow! That's exactly what's going on."

                                            Trixie, shut up. Tree Hugger, you need to stop talking like a fortune cookie and mind your own business. It doesn't take a genius to find out that Trixie and I don't like each other after seeing us argue right in front of you. All that should tell you is that Trixie has serious anger issues.

                                            >Trixie gasps and looks offended.

                                            >"Trixie does not have any issues. She simply offers you the chance to partake in sharing her Great and Powerful, um, energy with yours . . . ?"

                                            >Trixie looks to Tree Hugger for approval of that last statement.

                                            >Tree Hugger nods, but before Trixie can continue you say:

                                            No, I don't care. Shut up, Trixie.

                                            >Trixie starts fuming and gives you the evil eye.

                                            >Tree Hugger ponders to herself for a moment before saying:

                                            >"Perhaps the clash is coming from an energy imbalance between you both."

                                            >"Exactly!" Trixie says. "Trixie does all the work in our relationship. You don't ever see him coming over to Trixie's wagon to work things out when we're fighting, do you?"

                                            >"No, I haven't," Tree Hugger says.

                                            >Trixie points at Tree Hugger and then glares at you.

                                            >"See? She agrees that you don't do any work when it comes to us. And you never come to visit Trixie!"

                                            >You shake your head and sigh.

                                            You two are fucking Looney Tunes. I'm out.

                                            >As you close the door, Trixie shouts:

                                            >"Trixie brought fireworks. Make sure to watch in amazement as she lights them for you."

                                            >After closing the door, you go to the window and watch as Trixie starts setting rockets up on your grass.

                                            Fucking Trixie.

                                            >"The thing about energy imbalances—"

                                            What the fuck?!

                                            >You turn and see Tree Hugger is somehow next to you.

                                            >She looks up at you, still smiling calmly even after your outburst.

                                            How the hell did you get in?

                                            >"Life has many doors."

                                            >You look past her and see that your kitchen window is open.

                                            You broke into my house? You left the window open? It's the middle of fucking summer—flies are going to get in the house!

                                            >Tree Hugger takes a deep breath and then slowly exhales as though she were stressed.

                                            >"Sometimes when it seems as though one has come against an unstoppable force, it simply takes the energy of two to coerce."

                                            >She didn't even hear what you just said, did she?

                                            >Does she even hear what she says herself?

                                            >Wait, why is she sticking her muzzle in your crotch?

                                            >You jump back before she takes your zipper in her mouth.

                                            What are you doing?

                                            >"I came here looking to mix and expand our energies."

                                            But I told you no. Besides, I’ve already got Trixie, so my avenues are open enough without you around.

                                            >“That was a groovy phrase you said at the end. Do you think our vibes are rubbing off on each other?”

                                            No, but I do wonder why it is that I seem to attract ponies who can’t open their mouths without sounding like they’re fucking retards.

                                            >“You really need to chillax. Why don’t you let me give you a relaxing massage to take off some of that pressure that’s weighing you down?”

                                            I’ll pass.

                                            >“It’ll do a world of good, you have no idea.”

                                            I don’t want to know.

                                            >“You’re saying no, but your aura is just crying out for it. Once we get started, you’ll like it. I promise.”

                                            You’re talking like a damn rapist.

                                            >“Look, I know judo. Don’t make me have to put you in a hold that can relax forty of your body’s chakras just so I can give you my love.”

                                            Jesus Christ. You are a rapist, aren’t you?

                                            >"No, not at all. Now please take your pants off."

                                            Go to hell!

                                            >“Actually, I know some pony else I can go to.”

                                            >She goes and opens your door.

                                            >Trixie jumps in and, with small bright fireworks exploding behind her, she strikes a triumphant pose and says:

                                            >“The Great and Powerful Trixie is here.”

                                            >Trixie remains posed as the fireworks die down.

                                            >Then one of the sparks hits your curtains and they ignite.

                                            >Your jaw falls to floor.

                                            Holy shit, Trixie!

                                            >“Ah, are those cries of adoration Trixie hears.”

                                            >Suddenly, she scrunches her muzzle as some smoke fumes blow past her eyes.

                                            >A moment later your curtains are on the floor and smoking as you stamp the last of the flames out.

                                            >Tree Hugger comes in from the kitchen with a glass of water and dumps it on the last trouble spot that had been smoldering.

                                            >You glare at Trixie, who had just been standing in one spot and awkwardly watching everything since the fire started.

                                            Goddammit, Trixie, what did I fucking tell you about the fucking fireworks!

                                            >“But Trixie always makes a grand entrance.”

                                            >“I feel like you should know this by now,” Tree Hugger says, “considering her fantastic energy.”

                                            >“Oh, you flatter Trixie. Do go on.”

                                            >As you watch the two of them getting on, you get an idea.

                                            Look here, you two. I can see that you both want me, but I’m a one pony kind of guy. I can’t have both of you chasing after me like this. One of you is going to have to quit and let the other have free reign.

                                            >They regard you for a moment before turning to each other and sharing a certain look.

                                            >Then Tree Hugger opens her mouth, something which is starting to make you more nervous each time it happens.

                                            >“So you’re saying that your energy is overwhelmed by our combined efforts?”

                                            I have no idea what it is you just said.

                                            >Trixie wraps her arm around the back of Tree Hugger’s neck and then stands up on her back legs, striking a triumphant pose.

                                            >“It means that Trixie and Tree Hugger are a dynamic duo, and together nothing can stop them.”

                                            So wait, the two of you are working together in an effort for my dick.

                                            >“Well, that’s the gist of it,” Trixie says, coming down.

                                            >“Our energies combined even out with the resisting forces at work within your mind.”

                                            >“Yep, what she said,” Trixie says. “Trixie and Tree Hugger: the dynamic duo.”

                                            >While they smile at each other, you pick them both up by their barrels, carry them under your arm to the door and then throw them out on their backs.

                                            >You shut the door and lock it.

                                            >From behind the door you can hear them getting up, brushing themselves off and talking.

                                            >“Well, that was fun,” Trixie says. “Do you want to hang out?”

                                            >“Sounds groovy.”

                                            >“Where are you staying?”

                                            >“Well, I sort of stay wherever I can find a space that mother earth has provided for me.”

                                            >“Trixie has a wagon and blankets.”

                                            >“Oh, that sounds warm, especially at night. Can I crash with you for a while?”

                                            >“Sure. Then when you wake up we can go use Starlight’s shower.”

                                            >“Righteous. Does she have organic soap?”

                                            >You take a step backwards.

                                            Well, I’ve had enough of that for now.

                                            >You sigh.

                                            >A fly buzzes by your head, then buzzes off into another room.

                                            One day down, a lifetime left to get through.