Twilight Night


                                            >At eleven pm you turned the lights off downstairs and went up to bed in high spirits.

                                            >It had been a good day where you had gotten lots of work done, which included washing and putting away your underwear, without interruption.

                                            >The best part of it all was that Twilight Sparkle, despite the obsessive crush she had on you, and her predilection to stealing your underwear whenever you cleaned it, had not come by and bothered you at all for a change.

                                            >Usually she would come by your house at least once a day, always knocking on your door (sometimes for nearly an hour) until you answered it, but then make it seem like she had just stopped by on a whim.

                                            >She would then ask you things, like how your day was, what your plans were, if you had thought of her at all, if you could come to the castle with her and discuss a friendship problem that was going on between two ponies you knew nothing of except that Twilight had likely imagined both of them just to force a conversation on you.

                                            >Nothing like that had happened today, although yesterday had been particularly bad.

                                            >You had gone to the castle library in hopes of finding a good book to read over the weekend.

                                            >But it was Twilight who you met at the library front desk rather than Spike like you had anticipated.

                                            >She followed you the entire time you browsed, dropping hints that she was free to hang out if you wanted to.

                                            >She also kept trying to add her top romantic and erotic fiction picks to your book pile.

                                            >She would thrust books with titles like ‘The Hand, the Horn, and the Magic between them’ into your hands, and then say:

                                            >“I’ve read it, and this will definitely help settle you down whenever you feel your constant human libido flaring up. . . . You don’t have to be embarrassed about it. I was human for a while myself, and I understand what it’s like. As your friend, I urge you to take it.”

                                            >When she realized she was failing to reach you, she apologized for bothering you.

                                            >Then, saying that she should be punished, she cast a spell and surrounded you with a dozen clones of herself.

                                            >She turned herself around, stretched her rear out before you, and urged you to spank each and every one of them, starting with her.

                                            >You pushed past the mob of bunched-together purple pony butts that were in your way and then ran out the door before Twilight had remembered that she left it open.

                                            >That was the reason why you did not have a good book to read before bed.

                                            >But that was a small price to pay for the Twilight-free day that had followed.

                                            >You went to your room, changed into your pajamas, and set the alarm for work in the morning.

                                            >All you had left to do before you could crawl in bed and end this perfect day was go turn on your Whale Songs cd.

                                            >Ever since Twilight’s obsession had stressed your life out, you found that listening to the deep calls of whales, amid the breaking ocean waves, while you fell asleep was the best way to unwind.

                                            >You went to your stereo, turned it on, and then pressed play.

                                            >There was silence, but your soul stirred in anticipation of hearing that first rumbling note come from the deep cry of the humpback whale, who was drifting down in that deep swirling blue.

                                            >A loud thump rose up from downstairs, the kind that belonged to someone and made your hair stand on end.

                                            >It was too late at night for this to be Twilight trying to steal your underwear again.

                                            >You were sure that thump had belonged to a stranger.

                                            >Careful to be quiet, you looked down at the floor for a moment, then closed your eyes and listened.

                                            >Like blindly following an echo in the mist, fumbling to find the source, you heard the rise of the first whale song.

                                            >“Eeeeeeeeeeeeooooooouuuuuuuugh . . .”

                                            >You were in such a hurry to shut the stereo off that you jumped forward and hit the off button with your fist.

                                            >The force of your punch lifted the stereo up off its front, then caused it to rock and tumble forward over the edge of your nightstand.

                                            >It crashed onto the floor while you watched with your hands pressed against the sides of your head.

                                            >All was quiet for a moment, save for your heart pounding in your ears.

                                            >You did not hear any more thumps but you knew you still had to go down and investigate.

                                            >You shut the lights, pulled your door open slowly until there was a small crack to slip through, and then you turned yourself sideways and edged out into the dark hallway.

                                            >You went to the bannister and peered down at the bottom floor.

                                            >There was a small light coming from the kitchen.

                                            >You tiptoed down the stairs and pressed yourself close to the walls in the living room, sidling over to the kitchen entrance.

                                            >As you got closer you could hear that someone was inside, muttering to themselves and carrying some paper with them that they fiddled with at intervals.

                                            >Still pressed against the wall, you peeked round the entrance and into the kitchen.

                                            >A second later you went stomping in and marched right towards Twilight Sparkle.

                                            >She had been sitting in front of your fridge, pulling out various food items, recording them on a list she had and then placing them on the counter.

                                            >By the time you had found her she had gutted half your fridge, and completely covered your counters and the floor around her with what she had pulled out.

                                            >She noticed you once you had stepped over the ring of food she had surrounded herself with.

                                            >She pinned her ears back and froze where she was seated.

                                            >As you loomed over her, she smiled awkwardly and avoided your stern, disapproving look.

                                            >“Okay, I know this looks bad, but I assure you that I have a perfectly reasonable explanation for all of this.”

                                            Oh, I’m sure you do.

                                            >Twilight sighed in relief, and then yelped as you bent down and picked her up by her barrel.

                                            I don’t want to hear it, though.

                                            >Carrying her under your arm, you headed for the front door with intent to throw her out of it.

                                            >She was used to this and did not struggle at all.

                                            I want you out.

                                            >“If you’d just let me explain—”

                                            No. I don’t want to hear you try to justify why you thought breaking into my house at night was a reasonable action.

                                            >“I just wanted to make a study of your eating habits. But I figured you wouldn’t want to work with me, so I had to improvise.”

                                            You broke into my house.

                                            >“No, I didn’t. I teleported, so nothing’s broken.”

                                            I thought you were a burglar.

                                            >“I didn’t steal anything. I was just gathering data.”

                                            Well, go gather data somewhere else.

                                            >You opened the door and threw Twilight down onto your step.

                                            Now I have to go back and clean up your mess.

                                            >“I could clean it for you, as well as categorize each food—”

                                            No, now shut up. And don’t go and break into my house like you’re some kind of burglar again or I’ll stuff you in my freezer.

                                            >Twilight turned her muzzle down in shame but you could see she was trying to think of a way to salvage the bad situation between you.

                                            >Her eyes opened wide and she lifted her head, looked you in the eye, smiled and said:

                                            >“I really liked the music I heard upstairs. Which Whale Songs cd do you have?”

                                            >You slammed the door shut.

                                            >From behind the door she said:

                                            >“You should come by the library and check out our Whale Songs collection sometime.”

                                            >You went back to the kitchen and spent nearly a half-hour putting all the food she removed back in the fridge.

                                            >The only thing you could not find were your salad and spaghetti leftovers, but you just assumed after a while that Twilight had absorbed the pasta through some kind of autism osmosis.

                                            >When you went upstairs it was eleven-thirty pm.

                                            Stupid Twilight can’t let one day go by without bothering me at least once.

                                            >Even though you had thrown her out, you still checked your underwear drawer to see if she had stolen any pairs through means of magic trickery.

                                            >She had not.

                                            >You knew she would come for them eventually, but that would be a battle for another day.

                                            >You picked up your stereo, turned it on, hit the lights and then crawled into bed.

                                            >In the dark you thought of Twilight and your body trembled in anxiety.

                                            >You waited again for the soothing call of the humpback whale.

                                            >You heard the whale trotting down the hallway, coming to your door and then pushing it open so hard that it slammed against the wall.

                                            >A purple aura moved in waves throughout the room and against the walls, lighting everything up.

                                            >Twilight stood in the doorway, her horn spouting sparks of magic.

                                            >Her expression was unnerved and she regarded you with frantic eyes.

                                            >In your mind the gentle drifting whale was now charging at you, its face changed into Twilight’s neurotic expression, and the raging roars of it and the ocean swallowed your soul.

                                            >“Eeeeeeeeeeeeooooooouuuuuuuugh . . .”

                                            >Twilight jumped up on your bed and stood over you.

                                            >“You have to help me. Quick, get out of bed.”

                                            Don’t tell me to get out bed. Get out of my house.

                                            >“No, I seriously need your help with something.”

                                            >Twilight started hyperventilating, but she was still trying to speak as well.

                                            >You watched her uneasily as she croaked out, again and again:

                                            >“Something’s happened.”

                                            >She was pulling your blankets off of you and it gave you pause to hear how scared she sounded, but not enough pause to let her uncover you.

                                            >You pushed her back a bit and then sat up.

                                            Okay, tell me what’s wrong, and do it slowly.

                                            >She nodded and, after some deep breathing, said:

                                            >“I went back to my castle, and the door was open. I specifically remembered shutting it when I left, so I went in and looked around. I heard a noise coming from my study.”

                                            >Twilight gasped.

                                            >“There was a burglar in the castle. So I trotted over here right away so you could help me get rid of him.”

                                            Me get rid of him? What the heck do you want me to do?

                                            >“I want you to throw him out using your big muscly human arms.”

                                            What? Just go get the Guard to help you.

                                            >“There’s no time.”

                                            They have to make time for you. You’re literally the princess.

                                            >“They won’t do it.”

                                            Why not?

                                            >“Because . . . because I . . . never sent them any cards on their birthday.”

                                            >Immediately after saying this Twilight’s cheeks puffed out and she started avoiding your eyes.

                                            >You looked right through her.

                                            In fact, why can’t you just take care of this burglar with your magic? Why did he leave the castle doors open, and why was he in your study? There’s nothing but books in there.

                                            >“Hey, some of those books are very valuable, and not just for the knowledge that’s contained within.”

                                            Whatever. I spent over thirty minutes cleaning up your mess, which means that you had all that time to think up of something believable, and yet that cockamamie burglar story was the best thing you could come up with.

                                            >Twilight knit her brows and frowned severely at you, but she was also blushing.

                                            >“I’m telling you, it’s not a story.”

                                            I don’t buy it. Knowing you, you really could’ve planned this whole damsel in distress thing—

                                            >Twilight gasped suddenly.

                                            >“Oh my gosh! I left Spike and Starlight behind with that burglar.”

                                            Yeah, you did, in your story, which isn’t real.

                                            >“We have to go back and save them before the burglar ties them up.”

                                            If you were a better friend, you would’ve at least thought up an ending for them where they got away.

                                            >You stopped ignoring Twilight when you saw her horn started to glow.

                                            >You felt your body stiffen and your limbs bounded down by purple magic as Twilight lifted you out from your bed.

                                            >With your body still bent in shape of an L from having been seated before, Twilight held you above her and looked up at you determinedly.

                                            >“There’s no more time for arguing. We have to go save them.”

                                            Twilight, put me down.

                                            >“There’s no time for that either. Now come with me.”

                                            >You floated in the air behind Twilight as she jumped off your bed and trotted towards your door.

                                            >Your forehead was right in the way of the doorframe.

                                            >It made a dull smack in the air when you were run into it.

                                            >You fought back tears while Twilight held you sideways before her and gave the red mark on your forehead kisses.

                                            >After every kiss, she said she was sorry.

                                            >Eventually there was no more pain, but Twilight kept kissing you, sometimes even moaning when she did.

                                            >It was only when your forehead was completely covered in her horse spit that Twilight saw you glaring at her.

                                            >She folded her ears bashfully and tried to hide the warmth on her face.

                                            >“I’m sorry.”

                                            Yeah, because I haven’t heard that enough already.

                                            >Twilight smiled and, looking up the length of your body, licked her lips as her eyes met yours.

                                            >“Do you think the pain might’ve spread onto your lips, or maybe even lower . . . ?”

                                            Are you seriously thinking about raping me when there’s supposedly a burglar in your castle?

                                            >Twilight made a shocked face similar to the one she gets when others admit to dog-earing pages in their books rather than using a bookmark.

                                            >“You’re right. We’ve got to hurry and get to the castle.”

                                            At least straighten me out before we go on.

                                            >She straightened you out and carried your erect body behind her, finding every excuse to bump your face into her flanks as she trotted through your house.

                                            >After throwing your front door open it only took a few seconds before you were carried into Twilight’s castle.

                                            >You sighed to yourself, remembering how big a deal the realtor had made about how lucky you were to be neighbors with Princess Twilight.

                                            I should’ve bought that fixer-upper in New Mareleans.

                                            >Twilight carried you and trotted through the crystal halls of her castle without seeming to care about how loud her steps were echoing.

                                            >She only slowed down as she reached her study.

                                            >She stopped in front of the closed door of her study, and then set you down next to her.

                                            >In a semi-whisper, she said:

                                            >“He was in here last time I saw him.”

                                            >In your normal volume, you said:

                                            Yeah, and I bet he’s still in there, too, filling his burglar bag full of your dusty old books and thinking about what a score he’s got.

                                            >Twilight turned to you with a serious expression, shushing you.

                                            >“Talk quieter. He’ll hear you.”

                                            Hey, this is your show, sister. I’m just riding along here, against my will.

                                            >Twilight frowned and rolled her eyes.

                                            >“Get serious. Once I open this door, he could spring out at us.”

                                            He could be gone already. You should go in there, and I’ll go back the way we came so I can keep an eye out for him in my house.

                                            >“I can’t go in there alone. He could overpower me and tie me up with his burglar ropes, leaving me completely helpless. He could really hurt me. . . .”

                                            >Twilight seemed serious, but her tail dock was also twitching concernedly.

                                            >Just then a loud thump came from behind the door, making both you and Twilight jump.

                                            >You turned and met her startled expression.

                                            What the heck was that?

                                            >“I don’t know. I’m going to open the door, so be ready.”

                                            >You felt the pit of your stomach drop as Twilight’s magic enveloped the doorknob.

                                            >Burglar or not, something was in that room, and knowing Twilight it could be anything from a room tailor-made for a specific fetish to a giant squid that was ready to squeeze the life out of the first living thing it sees.

                                            >Sure, a giant squid cannot live on dry land normally, but if Twilight was somehow able to rationalize that it was your fetish, she would find a way to change it to a land species just so that you and her could be in a room together with a live one.

                                            >She rationalizes the most irrational things sometimes.

                                            >So you were a bit on edge when Twilight slowly opened the door to reveal a candle-lit dinner for two in the center of the room before you.

                                            >There was a moment of pause as you looked again at the candle-lit dinner, at the menus standing in the center of the table, at the two tall white candles held in silver holders that flanked the menus, at the two ornate chairs with velvet cushions, at the purple tablecloth with stars on it that reached to the floor.

                                            >You turned to Twilight severely as she put a hoof to her mouth and feigned surprise, all while levitating one of the menus over to you.

                                            >“Oh, it looks like the burglar is gone. But I sure am hungry after all that worrying. Aren’t you hungry?”

                                            >You stared at her forced smile disapprovingly.

                                            >She poked your arm with the menu until you snatched it out of the air.

                                            >Before breaking your stare to look at the menu—which she even had laminated—you said:

                                            I’m not eating dinner at midnight, you dumb horse.

                                            >The only items on the menu, which were respectively listed as costing a night of sex and a salad toss, were spaghetti with red sauce and salad.

                                            This is what I ate for lunch earlier today.

                                            >“I wanted to make something that I knew you would like.”

                                            What did you do, watch me while I ate?

                                            >“No, that’s not true. I didn’t watch you while you ate today, not even once just to pretend like I was there at the table with you.”

                                            You do that?

                                            >Realizing she perjured herself, Twilight scrunched her muzzle.

                                            >Note to self: Buy curtains for all the windows, not just the bathroom.

                                            Okay, so you saw my leftovers from dinner in the fridge, and you made a menu out of it.

                                            >“Exactly. In fact, they’re the actual leftovers from your fridge.”

                                            You stole them! Dammit, Twilight, I spent a lot of time looking for that leftover spaghetti.

                                            >“I only stole it for a little bit. And besides, I’m treating you to dinner, so I’m practically giving it back to you, right?”

                                            >You rubbed your tired eyes.

                                            >When you looked at Twilight again you could see she had a resigned expression on her face, leaving you with an out.

                                            Look, I can’t do this right now. Just keep the dumb spaghetti. I need sleep.

                                            >Twilight frowned, nodded and took the menu back in her magic.

                                            >Then, in a sudden display of rage and despair, she tossed it from the side, and it went spinning along the floor like a discus.

                                            >It slipped under the table.

                                            >Twilight regarded your slightly-concerned expression.

                                            >“It’s fine. I’m fine.”

                                            >Then something else caught your eye.

                                            >The menu was being slowly slid out from under the table.

                                            >It moved along the floor just enough for it to be outside of the tablecloth.

                                            >You and Twilight shared curious looks with each other.

                                            >Then, using her magic, she pushed the menu back under the table, and you both waited.

                                            >You leaned over and whispered to Twilight:

                                            So was that some kind of spell you cast to ensure we wouldn’t lose our forks under the table?

                                            >“No, actually, the spell you’re thinking of would—”

                                            >Twilight was cut off by the loud crash that comes from a tablecloth being yanked off of a table.

                                            >The items on the table all fell from their brief flight and crashed down around the cloth-wrapped figure, who was writhing and thrashing on the floor of the study.

                                            >You and Twilight took a step back as the grunting cloth mass tried to untangle itself.

                                            >Unsure whether you were being tricked again or not, you turned to Twilight severely.

                                            >Her fearful expression looked genuine, but you could not trust her.

                                            Okay, tell me, who did you put under the table?

                                            >“You think I did this?” she said, slightly frazzled. “Do you know how long I spent decorating so that I could achieve the specific aesthetic qualities that were present on that table?”

                                            Yeah, it was about thirty minutes.

                                            >Twilight’s eye twitched involuntarily.

                                            >“There was preplanning involved, too.”

                                            Who’d you put under that table, Spike, Starlight . . . ?

                                            >“Trixie!”

                                            >You saw there was a white tail sticking out of the knot of cloth.

                                            You put Trixie under the table?

                                            >“No, I didn’t.”

                                            Then why is she right there in front of us, confined in what must be the trickiest tablecloth tangling that’s ever trapped a pony before?

                                            >“I don’t know. She just sneaks into the castle sometimes, mostly at night to see Starlight. She usually makes more noise than she is currently.”

                                            Ah, so it’s just her natural instinct to writhe like an animal whenever she lies with cloth. It’s probably good I didn’t sit down and give her a full view of my crotch then.

                                            >At this Twilight grimaced and enveloped the cloth bundle in her magic.

                                            >She lifted it slightly off the floor.

                                            >“All right, Trixie, what were you doing under there?”

                                            >She then opened the cloth.

                                            >Out onto the floor rolled both a small laundry bag full of books and a brown stallion wearing a black ski mask, with a pair of earmuffs covering his cutie mark.

                                            >There was a pause.

                                            >The stallion’s wild eyes flicked back and forth between you and Twilight.

                                            >Twilight pointed her nose towards the open bag.

                                            >“Hey, those are my books. Who are you?”

                                            >He did not answer.

                                            >Twilight asked him again, but he still did not answer, and his eyes were growing more desperate.

                                            >You watched all this with a sort of detached amazement.

                                            >Then the stallion jumped up on his hooves and ran past you both, going down the hall opposite from where you came in.

                                            >Twilight screamed.

                                            >“There’s a burglar in the castle. He tried to steal my books.”

                                            >She franticly trotted in place for a moment.

                                            >Then when she saw you were just standing there, she got behind your legs and started beating the backs of your knees with her front hooves.

                                            >“Don’t just stand there. Catch him before he gets away. Hurry before he tries to steal more of my books.”

                                            >Having had time to process the sudden events occurring, before you started running, you finally felt the need to voice your insight.

                                            This whole night has been bullshit.

                                            >You then ran after the stallion.

                                            >He was fast but you were able to keep up with him as he led you through the twist and turns of the crystal halls.

                                            >As you chased him around another bend you saw him try to slip away from you by going into a room.

                                            >Immediately after shutting the door a faint crash echoed behind the walls of the hall.

                                            >You heard him scream in what sounded like surprise.

                                            >You stood at the end of the hall and waited for him to come out, but he did not.

                                            >When you approached the door you saw him enter, you saw there was a sign on it.

                                            >‘Twilight's Private Room’ it said; then, beneath that, ‘Absolutely No Pony Allowed’.

                                            >You looked up and down the hall, making sure that you were alone.

                                            >From behind the door you could hear the stallion’s hooves scraping against the floor, but it sounded like he was stuck in one spot.

                                            >Standing to the side, you opened the door slowly, waiting for the stallion to run out.

                                            >When he did not you peeked in the room, but it was too dark to see anything.

                                            >As you grazed your open hand against the wall by the door, feeling for the light switch, you realized that the walls in the room were made of wood rather than crystal.

                                            >You turned on the lights.

                                            >The stallion was bent over in the middle of the room.

                                            >He seemed to have his head stuck in something.

                                            >It was when you noticed that his head was locked in a stock that was built into the floor that you saw the whips hung up on the wall.

                                            >Hung up in neat rows all over the walls were all kinds of tools and restraints, crops, cuffs, collars, chains.

                                            >You gingerly picked a riding crop off of the wall and then ran your fingers over the staff, feeling its leather in your hands.

                                            >There were a dozen locked chests piled up in one corner, and each one had a different label made for it that labeled its contents.

                                            >After seeing your fifth dildo chest, all labeled as ‘Dildos His mask had slipped over his eyes.

                                            >There was a red ball gag strapped to the front of the stock and it had gotten itself lodged in his mouth.

                                            >The lock holding him had no keyhole, which meant it could only be opened by knowing a certain spell.

                                            >And Twilight was the only pony who would know what that spell was.

                                            >You sighed heavily, not looking forward to going and telling Twilight that you had found her sex dungeon.

                                            She doesn’t even have sex. It’s more of a masturbation station.

                                            >Then, the worst thing happened.

                                            >You never heard her hoof steps in the hall until after she yelled:

                                            >“Twilight . . . ? Hey, no pony is allowed in there. Who’s in there?”

                                            >It was too late to run, so you just froze.

                                            >The stallion had started kicking his back hooves on the floor again, trying to break out in vain.

                                            >A second later Starlight Glimmer appeared in the doorway.

                                            >She took one look inside and her jaw dropped.

                                            >Her eyes went from you, to the trembling flanks of the restrained stallion by your side, to the riding crop in your hand.

                                            >You felt your skin crawl when her shocked eyes met yours.

                                            >“What the heck do you think you’re doing?”

                                            >You opened your mouth to answer her, but it did you no good.

                                            >All that came out of you was a toad-like grunt, similar to the kind Buffalo Bill would make in The Silence of the Lambs.

                                            >Starlight peeked further in the room and slowly scanned everything.

                                            >“What is all this?”

                                            >It was then that you noticed, hanging over the door, were two studded, full-body leather suits, with zippers and rings all over.

                                            >One had a ring on the forehead and was obviously for a unicorn.

                                            >The other suit was much longer in the legs and made for a much bigger, more oblong-shaped head—your head.

                                            >With a horrified expression, Twilight appeared behind Starlight in the doorway.

                                            >You felt your eye twitch involuntarily.

                                            >Starlight raised an eyebrow at you.

                                            >“What’s with you?”

                                            What the hell is that abomination?

                                            >“What are you all doing in here?” Twilight shrieked.

                                            >Starlight screamed, and then sheepishly backed away from Twilight.

                                            >Twilight looked at you with severe eyes.

                                            >You glared at her.

                                            >The stallion was still kicking at the ground.

                                            >“This room is supposed to be private,” Twilight said. “Can’t either of you read?”

                                            >“Twilight, do you know who that stallion is?”

                                            Hey, you’re the one that told me to chase the burglar.

                                            >Starlight frowned.

                                            >“Wait, that pony is a burglar? Would some pony tell me what’s going on.”

                                            I’d like some answers myself.

                                            >“Well, so would I,” Twilight said. “How did that stallion get locked up?”

                                            He just ran in here in the dark. I found him like that.

                                            >After a moment Twilight pursed her lips.

                                            >“So your story is that he got himself locked up?”

                                            Well, it was the same thing with the tablecloth. The guy just has a talent for getting himself caught.

                                            >“How does that explain the riding crop in your hand?” Starlight said.

                                            >You regarded the tool in your hand for a brief, confused moment before tossing it like hot garbage.

                                            >They were both giving you disapproving looks.

                                            >You scoffed at them and then shook your head.

                                            I don’t have to explain a thing to either of you.

                                            >“In my castle?” Twilight said. “And why’s that?”

                                            Because you’re the one who had a gimp suit made of me.

                                            >Twilight’s face fell.

                                            >Starlight saw the suit over the door and grimaced.

                                            >“Oh, that’s bad.”

                                            >“Thank you for your helpful opinion,” Twilight hissed at her. “I forgot I left it out.”

                                            Pretty dumb of you, leaving that ugly suit out like that.

                                            >“If I want your helpful opinion on what you think of your gimp suit, then I’ll ask for it.”

                                            And just what have you been doing to help while I was chasing the burglar?

                                            >“I sent a wire to the guard. They’re on their way as we speak.”

                                            >Twilight folded her ears and looked downwards.

                                            >“As is the press, I’d imagine—princess being burgled.”

                                            >You grinned devilishly.

                                            I am so telling them about your sex dungeon in my report.

                                            >“Oh?” Twilight said. “I suppose you won’t be leaving out your, how did you put it, gimp suit then either?”

                                            >You pursed your lips as Twilight stole your grin.

                                            >“You know, those kinds of details can lead a lot of ponies to make a lot of implications about you.”

                                            >“I think she’s got you, dude,” Starlight said.

                                            >You turned your dull eyes towards Starlight for a moment, just enough to see her shrug.

                                            >Twilight turned, flicked her tail your way, and then called on you to follow her to the castle library.

                                            >“Let’s get our story straight before the guards arrive. We’ve got a lot of details to work out and I know just the kind of books that we can turn to for inspiration.”

                                            >As Twilight left the room she flicked the lights off with her magic.

                                            >With a sigh, you followed her out.

                                            This whole night somehow got even more bullshit.


                                            >The burglar had been freed from the stock to be put in chains and taken away by the guard.

                                            >The two reporters that were on the scene blinded him with their flashbulbs as he was loaded into the carriage.

                                            >You and a member of the guard stood in the light outside the castle.

                                            >You had just made the statement that Twilight made you memorize earlier and it had left a bitter taste in your mouth.

                                            >He was going over what he had written in his notepad, stopping at intervals to lick the stray hairs that stuck to his lip from his handlebar mustache.

                                            >Without looking up, he said:

                                            >“Okay, chief, so you asked her over to have relations with you for the second time that night. Then the two of you went to her study for a late spaghetti dinner, whereupon you sought to have relations a third time, which led to an argument where you tossed the menu, and then found the burglar.”

                                            >His eyes scanned his notes for a moment.

                                            >Then he looked up at you incredulously.

                                            >“And this burglar was stealing books, is that right?”

                                            Yeah.

                                            >“Are you sure you didn’t see any crystals that were hidden under the books?”

                                            They were really important books or something.

                                            >He shrugged before returning to his notes.

                                            >One of the reporters wandered over and was fixing his camera towards you.

                                            >The guard continued:

                                            >“So you fought back your urge to have relations and chased the burglar into the room of authentic dark ages artifacts that’s in the rear of the castle, whereupon he got his head caught in a stock, which is when Princess Twilight and Starlight Glimmer found you.”

                                            Yeah, that’s it.

                                            >“Then Starlight waited outside with the perp for the guard to arrive, while you and Princess Twilight had relations a third time in the library.”

                                            >You cringed.

                                            >The guard looked expectantly over his notepad at you.

                                            >Twilight was talking to a different member of the guard ten feet away and you could feel her watching you carefully from the corner of her eye.

                                            >With a sickness felt hollowing out your soul, your tongue spoke tainted words.

                                            That’s exactly what happened. My princess and I had very quick, but satisfying relations in the library, mainly to quell my insatiable human libido, which had risen again while I chased the burglar.

                                            >You forced a smile.

                                            >The reporter’s camera bulb flashed in your eye as he took a picture.

                                            >The single tear that slipped out from your burned cornea was the only given sign of your internal suffering.

                                            >At least you only had to admit to the three fake sexual encounters rather than the four that Twilight had originally thought up.

                                            >The guard nodded and closed his notepad while very obviously suppressing the faint smirk on his hairy wet lips.

                                            >“That’s all I need, chief. We’ll contact you if we need to. Oh, and give this to your lady.”

                                            >He tore out a page in his notepad and gave it to you.

                                            >On it was written ‘Carrey Conceal: March, 21’.

                                            >“She wanted to know when my birthday was so she could send me a card. Ain’t that sweet? I only wish this had happened yesterday, you know?”

                                            Yeah, I wish it had happened any other time than now.

                                            >He looked you over for a moment, then said:

                                            >“You need to take it easy, chief. I know she seems like a tiger and all, but three times is enough for one night, ain’t it?”

                                            >He was looking at you very seriously.

                                            >You frowned.

                                            I’m tired.

                                            >“Then get some rest instead, chief. We’ll take it from here. Just keep a lookout, alright, because guys like our masked friend don’t usually pull these capers without a partner.”

                                            >The guard turned and addressed the crowd.

                                            >“Okay, every pony clear out. The princess has had a very rough night and can’t stand for any more public relations right now.”

                                            >Soon everyone was gone except for you, Twilight, and Starlight.

                                            >“So for a headline,” Twilight said to Starlight, “I offered them ‘Princess Canoodling Strained by Noodle Thief’.”

                                            >“I don’t know,” Starlight said. “That makes it sound like he was stealing noodles, not books.”

                                            >You approached them, a stern expression on your face.

                                            >Twilight smiled at you.

                                            >“Wow, what a night, huh?”

                                            I don’t want to hear it. You owe me one gimp suit tomorrow. That was the deal in exchange for me telling them all your little lies.

                                            >“I don’t see why you’re so upset about it. Every mare who reads the paper tomorrow is going to fall for you and your supposed gallantry. Rarity will be crushed when I end up having to tell her the truth.”

                                            Why would I care about how much mares like me? I don’t even like ponies that way.

                                            >“I know,” Twilight said with a very satisfied smile.

                                            You’re the worst. Just stay away from me for the rest of the day.

                                            >You turned and started walking away.

                                            >Starlight called out:

                                            >“It’s night, though.”

                                            You heard me!

                                            >After a while you could hear them talking again.

                                            >“So,” Starlight said, “do you think me and Trixie could use that room of yours sometime?”

                                            >Your eyes were burning tired.

                                            >As you approached your house you saw that your door was wide open.

                                            >You remembered that Twilight had done that, but what was odd to you was that your bedroom light was on.

                                            >That guard had told you to be on the lookout for the burglar’s partner.

                                            Son of a bitch, this Goddamn night just won’t end.

                                            >You were so hungry for bed that you cared little for the noise you made as you stomped right up to your room.

                                            >You threw your door open, and, with your sleepy red eyes, caught Spike with his claws stuck in your underwear drawer.

                                            >Next to him was a bag filled with the clean underwear you had put away earlier.

                                            >He slowly put back the pair he had been holding on to, then turned to face you and waved awkwardly.

                                            >“Hey, dude.”

                                            Spike, isn’t it a little late for this?

                                            >“You’re telling me,” he said while rubbing his eyes. “I could be dreaming about Rarity and chocolate syrup right now, but I’m not, and that’s crazy that I chose this instead, now that I think about it.”

                                            Well, you turned criminal for Twilight, right?

                                            >“Uh, yeah—you don’t think I actually want to touch your underwear, do you?”

                                            That’s what I was hoping. Just be glad she likes them clean.

                                            >“I’m just doing this because Twilight said she’d get me two Dragon Sapphire Cupcakes for my birthday tomorrow if I did.”

                                            I didn’t know your birthday was tomorrow.

                                            >“Eh, don’t sweat it. I didn’t invite you because I figured you wouldn’t want to deal with Twilight. You can consider the extra cupcake to be your gift to me.”

                                            Thanks, buddy. I guess it was a good thing she roped you into something too, then.

                                            >“What’d she get you with?”

                                            You don’t know?

                                            >“I didn’t really want to ask. She gets kind of creepy when she talks about you.”

                                            Fair. Well, you’ll read about what happened between me and her in tomorrow’s paper.

                                            >“That bad, huh?”

                                            Yeah, but it’s all lies, though.

                                            >“Well, maybe I’ll check it out after I’m done with the funnies. You think you can put your underwear back yourself?”

                                            Yeah, sure. I’m just glad this hellish night is over. It’ll make the Twilight-free day tomorrow all that much sweeter.

                                            >“What do you mean?”

                                            Well, she only bothers me once a day, and since it’s midnight now, that means that she’s finished for now.

                                            >Spike gave you an uneasy look, then pointed towards your clock.

                                            >You looked, and your eyes nearly popped out of your head.

                                            >In a blink it was twelve am.

                                            >With cold anger, you said:

                                            Do you think she planned for this?

                                            >Spike was quiet.

                                            Would you like my opinion on how this night was for me?

                                            >“Uh, sure.”

                                            It’s been bullshit through and through. I can’t even listen to my Whale Songs anymore because all I see is Twilight’s face coming out at me from the dark.

                                            >Spike winced and started for the door.

                                            >“I’ll just let you get to bed then.”

                                            That makes you the hero of the day. Oh, happy birthday, by the way.

                                            >“Thanks.”

                                            Close the door on your way out.

                                            >“Good night.”

                                            See you later.

                                            >You stood there blankly until you heard the door shut.

                                            >You looked at the open bag full of your underwear that still needed to be put away.

                                            Fuck you.

                                            >You hit the lights and fell forward onto your bed.

                                            >With your face pressed on the pillow, and with your mouth slightly open, you closed your eyes and groaned into a peaceful sleep:

                                            Eeeeeeeeeeeeooooooouuuuuuuugh . . .