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Serial Snuggler One-shot

By SNAFU-Non
Created: 2021-01-12 17:58:10
Expiry: Never
/rgre/

  1. >In the city of Canterlot there is an urban legend that is being told in hushed voices, be it in the castle or in the slums.
  2. >They say that there is a being, tall and gangly, yet sneakier than shadow and faster than lightning.
  3. >It sneaks on lone unsuspecting mares when they least expect it and drags them off in the shadows.
  4. >Caught mares are later found sleeping, their coats cleaned, their manes brushed, with only vague memories of being pet, snuggled and fed their favorite candy.
  5. >That is the legend of the...
  6. >The Serial Snuggler.
  7.  
  8. >Be Anon.
  9. >Be ninja.
  10. >Be trained in guerrilla petting warfare.
  11. >Graduated at top of your class, have over three hundred satisfied mares.
  12. >You're Equestria's top snuggler.
  13. >And the only one.
  14. >Bullshit portal-based attacks are bullshit.
  15. >Despite all that you hit the ground running and soon enough you started improving your skills even further.
  16. >You displayed your power by having both princesses helpless and completely at your mercy for six straight hours.
  17. >Six hours of long, heartfelt bellyrubs, ear scritchies and mane brushing.
  18. >After that you were a wanted man. Well, wanted apelien.
  19. >Always on the run, chased to the end of Equus.
  20. >Ah, who are you kidding, you were parading under their literal noses for hours without them noticing anything.
  21. >Sometimes having ninja powers constantly on is super boring.
  22. >Your ninja powers don't work on magic, though. Entire castle was sure that magic alarm system was on the fritz.
  23. >So you covered your sneak suit in variety of anti-magic stones you attained from Queen of Pleasure in exchange for holding her hooves and giving them a little massage.
  24. >Never has once she mentioned kitchen, so you threw completely free ear-rub in to sweeten the deal.
  25.  
  26. >Your trained ear catches a very quiet sigh.
  27. >In an instant you cross several city blocks and hang down the ledge to peek in the window the sigh came from.
  28. >Aha! Sad, lonely mare, hunched over some paperwork!
  29. >Perfect target!
  30. >You swing inside, and very soon she quietly purrs as palm of your hand traces concentric patterns on her belly, while you feed her her favorite chocolates.
  31. >Took you entire 0.014 seconds to find that out and 'buy' some from a shop! Getting sloppy!
  32. >And by the way, it's not a theft, you left the money on the counter!
  33. >Now that the mare finally succumbed to sweet grasp of sleep, you decide to finish off whatever pesky paperwork problem that made her frown.
  34. >You literally have seven thousand IQ.
  35. >At least, you think so.
  36. >Wouldn't be able to process your surroundings at superspeed otherwise!
  37. >You put your MIGHTY INTELLECT to find and fix whatever mistake was making the mare sad.
  38. >...hold on, it might take a while...
  39. >There it is, she forgot to carry two. The rest comes easy.
  40. >Now that the paper is done, time to turn your attention back to completely helpless mare!
  41. >Do you snuggle her or do you wiggle in her grasp?
  42. >Mares feel uncomfortable being little spoon for some unfathomable reason, so some concessions have to be made...
  43. >You tap your chin in thought.
  44.  
  45. >Meanwhile, several rooftops over, a hanging bat mare unfurls her wings and starts whispering into dimly-pulsing crystal.
  46. >"Serial Snuggler took the bait, I repeat, Serial Snuggler took the bait!"
  47. >From her position she observes several shadows move in the dark. And then all Tartarus breaks loose!
  48.  
  49. >Be Close Quarters, elite royal guard mare.
  50. >One second you were rappelling down to window, upset at lieutenant whisper-yelling at you to remember that you're dealing with a stallion.
  51. >And the next second you find yourself being tightly held as the little spoon of More Paperwork, your unwitting plant mare!
  52. "N-Nani?!"
  53. >You have no idea what you just said but it seems oddly fitting.
  54. >You also can't help it but feel incredibly relaxed, as if you spent entire day getting pampered.
  55. >But then the gravity of your situation hits you.
  56. >Oh no, you're going to be the laughing stock of entire platoon for this dyke shit. Damn you, Serial Snuggler, DAMN YOU!
  57.  
  58. >Be Wearing Bars, the lieutenant mare, large and in charge.
  59. >Though you don't feel like it now...
  60. >In but a second, you lost visual with your entire squad!
  61. >You call out for Radio Contact to request reinforcements but she doesn't respond.
  62. >You whip your head to her last known position and see her splayed on the roof, grinning madly with partially eaten mango in her weak grasp.
  63. "Darn it!"
  64. >You catch movement in the corner of your eye and jump back instinctively.
  65. >By Celestia, you've got your eyes on the sneaky Serial Snuggler! A feat that very few mares can boast about!
  66. "Halt, apelien! Surrender and you won't be hurt!"
  67.  
  68. >Be Anon, approaching the lieutenant mare purposefully slow.
  69. >You raise your pointer finger and with unyielding slowness aim for her snoot.
  70. >Her eyes cross as she struggles to keep them on your approaching finger. But it is too late.
  71. "You are already pet."
  72. >*boop*
  73. >The sensation of two hundred lightning-fast pets catches up to her!
  74. >And pomf=3 she goes on menagerie of pillows you snuck in during previous moments.
  75. >Giving her withers a few scritchies, you leave the scene.
  76.  
  77. >Somewhere high above two pair of eyes armed with only one pair of binoculars fight to watch the whole scene unfold below.
  78. >There is a sigh.
  79. >"Perhaps We called dibs on him being our royal consort too early."
  80. >"I'm afraid we'll never have another petting session like that, sister..."

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