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Selected Shorts

By Olibird
Created: 2021-01-26 18:14:08
Expiry: Never
shorts

  1. Stories are in no particular order, and have had only minimal changes (obvious typos) from their original publication.
  2.  
  3. Trouble Sleeping-
  4. >You're awoken by your sheets shifting, your mattress moving a bit.
  5. >Nnnn…wannagobacktosleep…
  6. >The rustling does not stop.
  7. >Squeezing your eyes tighter, you try to ignore it.
  8. >A horn smacks you on the side of the head, your eyes shooting open to reveal the mostly-dark room, rays of sun peaking through heavy curtains over the windows.
  9. >Well you're awake now.
  10. >Reaching up, you sigh and rub where her horn hit you.
  11. >It’s every night, with her.
  12. >Once you're sure you're not bleeding, you roll over to look at Luna, tossing and turning next to you, the shadows cast by the soft light upon her face show that she's once again trapped in the throes of a nightmare.
  13. >She can control everyone's dreams…except for her own.
  14. >If she knew she woke you up in her sleep, she'd probably lose it.
  15. >She's already brought up the idea of sleeping in separate beds for "for your own safety" as though that was what you cared about.
  16. >Pressing your stinging face into the pillow, you scoot down and wait for an opening.
  17. >She rolls over to face you, her horn slapping the pillow where your head had been.
  18. >There!
  19. >Ducking down, you scoot forward before shooting up, your head nestled between her forelegs.
  20. >Pinning one leg under your neck, you sneak your arm up and catch her other foreleg under your armpit.
  21. >You slide your other arm under her, just above her wing, properly hugging her against you.
  22. >Putting on the finishing touches, you grab one of her hind legs between your own legs.
  23. >She unconsciously struggles against you for just a moment…before her squirming slows, Luna growing calm in your grasp.
  24. >Her face inches from yours, the two of you breathing each other's nasty morning breath, does wonders for soothing her, guiding her out of her nightmare.
  25. >There we go.
  26. >She'll probably make some comment in the morning about how you must have been lonely and she'll have to try patrolling your dreams again.
  27. >Aah well…
  28. >Holding your wife in your arms, it doesn't take long before you join her in dreamland.
  29.  
  30. -----------------------------------------------------------
  31.  
  32. Solid Anon-
  33. >Oh look, another day, another evening where Luna’s stuck doing paperwork until she’s ready to pass out.
  34. >Well, not if you have anything to say about it tonight!
  35. >Time to initiate operation “Boop your marefriend until she goes incoherent!”
  36. >Unfortunately, she’s banned you from her study.
  37. >Due to you drawing one too many penises on governmental correspondences.
  38. >Also for the time you allocated 50,000 bits to “Pubic Works.”
  39. >Then there was the time you snuck a P.S. to the zebra ambassador where you asked if he wanted to have sex with Princess Twizzlers...
  40. >Now, you’ve tried sneaking in the front door.
  41. >Turns out, her guards know to check when they see a box with two legs running around.
  42. >Your ass still hurts from the bucking they gave you.
  43. >You were tempted to try and intimidate them, but you don’t have a mask.
  44. >No one would care.
  45. >They have all the normal entrances covered-her study may as well be an impenetrable fortress.
  46. >At least, if you were a pony.
  47. >But you are Anon! The monkey monster from Earth!
  48. >They never thought that anyone would be able to climb down to the window-if a pony tried it, they’d probably fall to their death.
  49. >You’re not doing much better.
  50. >You’re about 10 feet below the window you’ve climbed out of, clinging for dear life to the side of the castle.
  51. >That fear of heights you thought you conquered has come roaring back.
  52. >You’re gonna die.
  53. >Especially now that you aren’t riding a winged pony princess with telekinesis who’ll catch you if you fall.
  54. >You carefully lower a shaking foot, searching for the next foothold.
  55. >It’s too high to go back up.
  56. >But there’s nothing there!
  57. >You wiggle your foot around, your heart pounding in your ears.
  58. >It’s like you’re at the edge of a cliff! With spikes below!
  59. >You’re gonna fall and get impaled on spikes and stare up at the sky as you slowly bleed out and-
  60. >You foot bumps against glass.
  61. >Oh.
  62. >That’s the window.
  63. >You start to make your way over to the side.
  64. >All these slightly raised stones are conveniently just out of reach to a normal pony, but the perfect distance for you to grab them without overextending yourself.
  65. >They're even a different color, so you can see them easy!
  66. >Must be a coincidence.
  67. >You finally swing your way onto the windowsill.
  68. >There she is...the mare you love.
  69. >She’s bent over her desk, her head in her hooves as three quills write away in front of her.
  70. >She’s good like that.
  71. >You carefully, gingerly, pull open the large, person sized double windows.
  72. >They swing open without a sound.
  73. >..huh...someone must have oiled them recently or something.
  74. >You slowly, carefully start to sneak over to the midnight blue pony, not making a sound.
  75. >You’re so stealthy, she can’t hear you even as her ears swivel back.
  76. >Just as you enter optimal booping distance, she says,
  77. >”Hello Anonymous.”
  78. >Dammit!
  79. >You step forward and wrap your arms around her barrel.
  80. “How’d you know?”
  81. >She smiles and nuzzles against your cheek, her flowing starmane tickling your face.
  82. >”Which would you prefer? From the twelve ponies who saw you climbing down the castle walls, or the gorilla noises you made while you were in here?”
  83. >That’s racist!
  84. “I don’t make gorilla noises…”
  85. >She grins and turns her head back, pressing in to a kiss with you.
  86. >”And I don’t whinnie when we have sex.”
  87. >Lies!
  88. >”Now Anonymous, you know you aren’t allowed in here…”
  89. >Quick, think fast!
  90. >You boop her on the nose to distract her, her eyes crossing.
  91. >God, you love how she does that.
  92. “I know I’m not...but what about Mr. Scratchies?”
  93. >You hold up your hand and make scratching motions with it.
  94. >She raises an eyebrow, a bemused smile on her face.
  95. >”Oh? And just what worth does Mr. Scratchies bring to this hallowed hall?”
  96. “Why, he brings the best thing in the world!”
  97. >You escort Mr. Scratchies down to her ear, where he works his magic.
  98. “Ear scratches…”
  99. >She closes her eyes and lets off an “mmmm,” leaning into that hand.
  100. >”I suppose he can stay…but only if his compatriot, “The Archbishop of Belly Rubs” joins us as well.”
  101. >You grin and sit down next to her.
  102. “Of course he will. I’ll track down anyone for my Princess.”
  103. >She wraps her wing around you, using it to press you to her side.
  104. >Mr. Scratchies can barely reach her ears now.
  105. >But you can still sneak your other hand around her barrel, hugging her as you start to gently stroke your fingers over her belly fluff.
  106. >She presses against you, her head tilting as you see those quills start to slow.
  107. >She starts to paw at her desk with a forehoof.
  108. >D’aawww…
  109. >”I love you, Anonymous,” She breaths out.
  110. “I love you too, Luna.”
  111. >She’s letting her guard down..
  112. >Soon you’ll have the perfect chance to fund a 69 pony expedition to accurately measure the circumference of Celestia’s ass.
  113.  
  114. -----------------------------------------------------------
  115.  
  116. Fillylestia-
  117. >"Anooon! I fell and scraped my knee and it huuuurts"
  118. >You bite back a sigh.
  119. >She’s getting too old to be doing this.
  120. >Setting your hoe down, you turn around to see the little rainbow-maned filly on the verge of tears.
  121. “Oh no! You did? Come here, let me see!”
  122. >Crouching down, you beckon her over.
  123. >Celestia gallops with an overdramatic limp through your garden, trampling a head of cabbage before she thrusts out her foreleg, sniffling.
  124. >”It’s really bad, right?”
  125. >Taking her leg in your hands, you make a show of inspecting the very minor scrape.
  126. >The grass stains on her white fur are easily three times the size of what only the most generous of people could call a scrape.
  127. “Hmm...that DOES look pretty bad. Looks like I’m going to have to break out the healing magic.”
  128. >Gently pulling out her leg, you kiss her scrape to make it better.
  129. “There we go! The magic should already be working.”
  130. >”You don’t have healing magic!” She sticks her tongue out at you and pulls her leg away.
  131. “Oh I don’t, do I? And why’s that?”
  132. >”You need a horn to have magic!” You can feel the smugness coating her every word as she raises her own little horn high.
  133. >Biting your lip to keep from grinning, you poke the tip of her horn.
  134. “Now, now, not ALL magic comes from horns. In fact, I have some of the most powerful magic in the world. Magic that everypony can use, including you.”
  135. >That gets her attention.
  136. >”You do?” Her eyes grow wide, any trace of her youthful arrogance gone, “What kind of magic is that? I want it!”
  137. >With a chuckle, you reach your hand back and scratch behind her ear.
  138. “It’s the magic of love, Cellybean.”
  139. >She instantly deflates, her ears slamming down as she gives you a pout, “That might fool Luna, but not me! I know that’s not real magic!”
  140. >Damn.
  141. >Here you thought you had a least a good year before she started calling you on that one.
  142. >Luckily, you still have your trump card.
  143. “Oh yes it is! It’s as real as my other magic!”
  144. >She eyes you suspiciously, “What magic’s that?”
  145. “Why, it’s the magic of...TICKLES!”
  146. >You dive forward, your hands easily slipping under her wings as you tickle her sides.
  147. >She shrieks out and falls over, flailing all six of her limbs and rolling in the dirt, her giggles soon overtaking her, signs of the cruel torment you’re imposing on her.
  148. >You stop after a moment, but the damage is done.
  149. >There isn’t a speck of white on her normally alabaster coat.
  150. >...Well…
  151. >You needed a break anyway.
  152. >It’s hot out here.
  153. >Before she can accuse you of inhumane treatment, you stand up,
  154. “Now, how about we go inside, get you cleaned up and make that knee all better?”
  155. >She rolls onto her hooves, and spits out a couple of white feathers that she SOMEHOW managed to get in her mouth.
  156. >”Could you carry me, Anon? My leg still hurts…”
  157. >Dammit, that’s what you get for reminding her of her grievous injury.
  158. “Aren’t you getting a little big for me to carry you? You’re almost up to my waist.”
  159. >she looks almost devastated, her eyes growing large, tears threatening to fall once more, ”But but...you carry Luna!”
  160. “Luna’s also half your size. Come on Celly, you can walk.”
  161. >”But that just means you need to carry me more NOW, before I’m too big!” She wails out, before collapsing at your feet, her forelegs wrapped around your ankle, “Pleeeease?”
  162. >You try to look away from those puppy dog eyes, but it’s too late.
  163. >They have you caught in their vortex.
  164. “I...guess I can’t argue with that logic. Come on, you’re getting a pony-back ride.”
  165. >You bend back down to the cheers of the filly, who soon clambers onto your back, her forelegs locking around your neck, and her wings wrap around your belly.
  166. >Placing your hands under her rump to steady her, you heft yourself back up, leaning forward as you start to trudge back to your house.
  167. “Soo, how’d you get hurt, anyway?”
  168. >”I was trying to stop Luna from eating cookies and I tripped, but she’s going to say I was trying to make her eat worms!”
  169. >Well.
  170. >That’s oddly specific.
  171. “Celestia? Were you trying to make your little sister eat worms?”
  172. >”Noooooo…” she says in a tone that screams that she most certainly was.
  173. >...These two little orphans are going to be the death of you.
  174.  
  175. -----------------------------------------------------------
  176.  
  177. Luna's mad about Foalicorn-
  178.  
  179. From the mouth of Her Royal Highness, Luna, Princess of Equestria, Guardian of Dreams, Steward of the Moon, and Speaker of Law.
  180.  
  181. There have been a great many rumors abound regarding my Sister, Princess Celestia, and those recently crowned as newly minted Princesses. Tonight, I shall put all unfounded accusations surrounding the motivation of my Sister's actions to rest.
  182.  
  183. The rumors are all true. My Sister has engaged in a plot to replace both the nobility of Equestria and all elected officials with a manufactured “fourth tribe” of undying members of a false alicorn race, created not through divine providence, but through arcane science. I have borne witness as these ponies were chosen not by merit, but by their loyalty to Celestia. As evident with the birth of Flurry Heart, the spells that twist a pony's natural form into this “fourth tribe” will mutilate unborn foals in the same manner to ensure they are born not as pegasi, unicorns, or earth ponies, but as members of this abominable “ofourth tribe.”
  184.  
  185. By altering ponies in such a fashion, Celestia has betrayed not only the citizens She has sworn to protect, but the very laws of nature itself. The spells used to keep a pony living beyond their years damages the very fabric that holds our reality together. Already, a pony have been assassinated to be replaced by a member of Celestia's mutated experiments. A most wicked stallion, many will say, but that was precisely why King Sombra was chosen as the first target. Why a nobless town was chosen for the second. To deceive the very ponies She has abandoned into believing this was an act benevolence, and keep the public complacent until every pony is living subservient to her “fourth tribe.”
  186.  
  187. Celestia has betrayed Equestria. She has forsaken her subjects and spurned her royal vows. I can no longer sit idly by as my Sister commits treason. There is but one prudent course of action. I call for the immediate abdication of Celestia. She must step down and face the rule of law for her actions. Furthermore, I call for the removal of both Mi Amoré Cadenza from the Auroran Throne and Twilight Sparkle from the so called Friendship Throne. Their titles were granted as part of this despicable scheme and as such hold no more legitimacy than a filly playing make-believe. Finally, I summon Mi Amoré Cadenza, Twilight Sparkle, and Flurry Heart to the Royal Academy of Arcane Research, so efforts to find a way to reverse Celestia’s nefarious spell and restore these victims to their natural forms can begin.
  188.  
  189. To the citizens of Equestria, I can only offer my most sincere apologies. Through my inaction whilst Celestia committed these crimes, I have wronged each and every one of you. As we move forward, I can only ask that one eve, you will find it in your hearts to forgive me.
  190.  
  191.  
  192. Luna
  193.  
  194. -----------------------------------------------------------
  195.  
  196. Selena's Ordeal-
  197. >What kind of mother would Luna be?
  198.  
  199. >She gives you that look that she gives Selena whenever your daughter says something you taught her.
  200. >”Anonymous, if we waited that long, she would grow soft. Look at Cadence. Sister waited far, FAR too long to give her an Ordeal, and she nearly died after naught but a week in the mines!”
  201. >She pauses, seeing the look on your face.
  202. >”Anon. Please. She is of alicorn blood, there is nothing in the Everfree that can truly threaten her.”
  203. >You feel your eye twitch.
  204. “She doesn’t have any fucking magic! Her wings are completely vestigial!”"Luna, where's Selena? I haven't seen her all night."
  205. >Not an uncommon occurrence in the giant castle you call home.
  206. >But still something you worry about.
  207. >Your loving wife of the past 14 years trots over and rears up, placing her forehooves on your shoulders in a well practiced maneuver.
  208. >You two share a kiss before she hops down, positively beaming away..
  209. >”It’s wonderful Anon! Tonight is the first night of our daughter’s Ordeal!”
  210. >Wat?
  211. >Is that Horse for period?
  212. “What do you mean Ordeal?”
  213. >Luna nuzzles into your side, prompting you to reach a hand up and scratch behind her ear.
  214. >”She’s taken her first steps to proving she is worthy of her royal blood.”
  215. >This is some tradition thing, isn’t it.
  216. “Could you be a bit more specific for your dumb human?”
  217. >Luna giggles.
  218. >”As my sister did when she destroyed the dragon’s city at Smokey Mountain, and I did when I conquered the Baltimarian hordes, it is our daughter’s turn to tame part of Equestria.”
  219. >So...what, she’s helping clean a park or something?
  220. >You’re completely lost.
  221. >”As such, I have left her in the Everfree Forest. She will return to us once she has quelled all the monsters within,.”
  222. >You let your hand drop.
  223. >You step back, absolutely horrified….there’s no way she just said what you think.
  224. “Wait a minute...are you telling me you just LEFT our DAUGHTER alone, in the EVERFREE FOREST?”
  225. >Yea, you kind of started screaming that last bit.
  226. >Luna scoffs, shaking a hoof.
  227. >”Anonymous, you worry far too much. She’s not a foal anymore.”
  228. >Not a…?
  229. “Luna! She’s only twelve years old!”
  230. >”Precisely dear! If she was full blooded, she would have her first estrus by now! Her cutie mark for years! She is no longer a...child, by anypony’s standards.”
  231. >You’re gonna be sick.
  232. “Eighteen, Moons. Humans are…’foals’ until they’re eighteen!”
  233. >”Ah!”
  234. >She grins, looking like she does every time you two play chess.
  235. “That may be true, but she has something nopony else has!”
  236. >”Hands.”
  237. >A sob escapes your throat.
  238. >If you were abandoned in the woods when you were 12, you’d be dead that day.
  239. >Your daughter, abandoned in the most terrifying place in Equestria.
  240. >She’s probably curled up in under a tree crying.
  241. >”Do not fret, my dear. She should return to us victorious within the decade.”
  242. >You stumble away, not even responding.
  243. >”Anonymous, wait!”
  244. >You take off, desperate to find a guard.
  245. >They are GOING to get your daughter back.
  246. >Then, you and Moona are going to have a nice, long, LOUD...discussion…about how child raising has changed the past god damn thousand years.
  247.  
  248. >Be Selena
  249. >Laughing hysterically, you yank HARD to the left on the makeshift reins you made.
  250. >The manticore you’re riding roars out, charging ahead as it resists your command.
  251. >You jump off, landing on your hooves just in time for the beast to slam into the boulder it was running towards.
  252. >You can’t stop grinning as the monster collapses, dazed.
  253. >Drawing Night’s Fury, your mother’s sword, you approach your prey. You have to eat, after all.
  254. >This was the best late birthday gift Mom’s ever gotten you.
  255.  
  256. -----------------------------------------------------------
  257.  
  258. Nightmare wants to MEGA-
  259. Prompt:
  260. >"Welcome, Anon"
  261. >"I summoned you for a matter of great importance"
  262. >"As you already know, I have taken control of the kingdom and imprisoned the former princesses"
  263. >"But unfortunately, the effects of my sister's student policies can still be felt to this day and are becoming an increasingly pressing concern for the well-being of my little ponies"
  264. >"I'd like to offer you a deal, Anon"
  265. >"Succeed, and I will marry you, making you a king"
  266. >"I want you to rid Equestria of the creatures that Twilight brought in by any means you deem appropriate"
  267. >"What say you, Anon?'
  268. What resources wouldst thou grant me to carry out thy will, thy Grace?
  269. >"Anything you require, Anon. The royal treasury, the royal guards and every civil servant are at your disposal"
  270. >"I won't personally intervene though. I can't be seen as a cruel ruler by our neighbors. I'm sure you understand"
  271. >"As long as by the time you're done they're all gone from my kingdom"
  272. >"Remember your reward if you succeed, Anon. Make sure to not be spent by those... creatures. I expect you to fulfill your marital obligations upon your return"
  273.  
  274.  
  275. "You'll give me access to every resource the government has access to, all civil servants, the army, and you expect other rulers not to immediately pin the blame on you?"
  276. >You rub the bridge of your nose.
  277. >If the chill creeping into the room is any indication, Nightmare Moon is already getting mad.
  278. >"You dare question me, Anonymous?" Her silky tone does little to hide the steel in her words.
  279. >One wrong word out of your mouth, and you'll be slated for removal along with Twilight's "additions" to Equestria.
  280. "No, my queen, I'm not questioning YOU. I'm questioning the ability of some private in the army to keep her mouth shut when she's drunk while on leave. I question the sense of some know-nothing scribe in the middle of Buckston who thinks his opinion has merit. I'm questioning the holdovers of Celestia's regime that fell through the cracks of your purge."
  281. >Your stomach twists with every word of that speech as you force yourself not to look away from her serpentine eyes for even an instant.
  282. >Refusal to show anything other than complete, if feigned, confidence, is what allowed your relationship with Nightmare…well, Luna back then…to get this close in the first place.
  283. >The gambit worked.
  284. >The icy chill of the void gives way to the warm summer night's air, as Nightmare goes back to popping grapes into her mouth.
  285. >"Pray, are you rejecting me? Should I instead assign you to debase my sister whilst offering my hoof to a member of my own species? Perhaps Trotsky?"
  286. >Her sense of humor is as terrible as always, but she still earns a snort out of you.
  287. >Trotsky's scheduled to have dinner with an ice pick next week.
  288. "As appealing as sloppy eighty-seconds sounds, I think I'll pass."
  289. >Nightmare cackles, giving some comment about you underestimating Celestia or something.
  290. >You're not paying attention to the specifics.
  291. >No, you're already thinking back, remembering what you can of Twilight's shenanigans…and how shit hit the fan during your last few years on Earth.
  292. >Nightmare is happy to allow silence to descend between you two.
  293. >She's used to silence, from her stay on the moon.
  294. >When you do finally speak, it's slow, deliberate.
  295. "Nightmare, I don't know if you know this…but when Twilight first opened that stupid school of "friendship," the leaders of the varying races threatened war, when they believed a single subject of theirs was in jeopardy, thanks to her actions."
  296. >She nods, "Indeed. These lesser creatures' instability and their inability to accept fault for their own actions are but one of the multitude of reasons they must be removed from Equestria."
  297. "Right. So killing em is right out, physical removal is a no-no. If…if you're willing to play the long game, I think I have a way to purify Equestria, while leaving your hooves squeaky clean. But it will take time."
  298. >"I am immortal, " She says it as though she's explaining to you for the thirteenth time that the sky is blue, not green.
  299. "Good. Then what I need, are a dozen ponies who are perfectly loyal, and can keep their mouths shut. I need a few newspapers who'll print whatever we tell them as editorials. And…I'll need access to the morgue. We'll start with the Yaks."
  300.  
  301. >It was only a matter of time before it happened.
  302. >With your team of grey coats following the Yaks living in Equestria, it only took a couple days before one of them witnessed a Yak throwing a tantrum and smashing things.
  303. >With your pony faking an injury, you sent the newspapers into overdrive.
  304. >Opinion piece after opinion piece flew out the presses, talking of how violent and dangerous the Yaks were, listing all the times they threw a tantrum, that even Yona, prized pupil of the Equestrian Way, would destroy things in bouts of rage.
  305. >They all asked the same question.
  306. >"How long until one of them kills a pony during their fits?"
  307. >With your grey coats ready, you prepped the corpse.
  308. >Soon enough, another Yak, perhaps spurred onto it by a fearful, if well read pony, threw yet another destructive tantrum in front of one of your agents.
  309. >They ensured the body you prepped was found in the wreckage.
  310. >Every one of your agents came out stating that they personally witnessed the death of their fellow pony at the hooves of the Yak.
  311. >Armed with details only one who had been there would know, and an insistence only an agent of the crown would have, they soon had actual witnesses doubting their own memories.
  312. >Poor Spring Flower's corpse was trotted out as a victim of the violent Yaks.
  313. >Her cutie mark became a symbol of martyrdom, her name printed by newspapers you didn't even control.
  314. >Public sentiment soon turned on the violent, dangerous Yaks.
  315. >Open discrimination did nothing to calm them and mollify the Yaks' already explosive temper, and ponies reacted not just with fear, but with anger, Spring Flower's name their battle cry.
  316. >Soon, a Yak was killed as payback for the false martyr's death.
  317. >A few more clashes and it wasn't long before petitioner after petitioner came to the castle, begging Nightmare Moon to do something about those dangerous animals terrorizing Equestria.
  318. >Nightmare, being the gracious and caring queen she is, bent to the whim of her people.
  319. >In a secret meeting with the king of the Yaks, she convinced him to impose a travel ban on Equestria, and to bring his people back to Yakyakistan, at least until the situation blows over.
  320. >For their own safety, of course.
  321. >In but a few months, you and Nightmare Moon toasted the voluntary, self-deportation of the first of many stains left by Twilight Sparkle's rule.
  322.  
  323. -----------------------------------------------------------
  324.  
  325. Moonbutt's inner monologue-
  326. >Come back after a thousand years of isolation and revenge planning.
  327. >Crazy purple unicorn ruins your monologue and proceeds to use the goddamn elements of harmony.
  328. >Last you checked, only you and your sister could use those.
  329. >Then she stops fucking DISCORD with them.
  330. >Holy bananas.
  331. >Next time you see her, she's the only one not terrified of you, and in fact, lectures you and treats you like a foal.
  332. >Aaaand she was right. Fuck.
  333. >Bug monsters attack when you're asleep.
  334. >OH LOOK PURPLE UNICORN'S HERE, I WONDER WHO STOPPED THEM.
  335. >Oh shit, the Crystal Empire's back. Screw sleeping, this could be an apocalypse. You're gonna go get your armor.
  336. >No? We're sending Twilight friggin Sparkle again? Oh, our niece who was born while you were gone, and...Twilight's brother?
  337. >This is the same brother who proved extremely susceptible to mental spells?
  338. >Sister, do you even remember what Sombra's shtick was? It was mental spells!
  339. >Oh look, purple, purple, purple's brother and pink pulled it off.
  340. >You guess you'll just..be over here...watching as everypony still cowers at the sight of you.
  341. >Hey, you finally found a group of subjects who AREN'T terrified of you!
  342. >Specifically foals, when you save them from a nightmare....you're not sure if that's ironic or not.
  343. >Wait, what? Twilight fucking reformed Discord? You mean DISCORD Discord, right? The unstoppable monster of chaos who can and has fucked us up multiple times, right?
  344. >Sister, I don't even.
  345. >Well, at this point, you and your sister have been completely out done by this...mortal.
  346. >At least you're still royalty?
  347. >...
  348. >Twilight "The Cunt Destroyer" Sparkle just became the first alicorn EVER who isn't related to you or your sister.
  349. >And we're crowning her as an equal?
  350. >Well, Sister's happy so you guess you'll smile and nod.
  351. >So, she now has your royalty, and your immortality...you still have your moon! She can't take that away from you!
  352. >Like they took away your abacus
  353. >"Preventing you from adjusting" your moon emblazoned ASS it was.
  354. >At least she's reined in by the Elements, as far as capacity for going evil is concerned.
  355. >OH GOD TENTACLES HELP
  356. >AND NOT THE FUN KIND THESE HAVE SPIKES.
  357. >Hey look, Alidammerung got rid of them...by giving up the Elements.
  358. >So...we have the Lord of all Chaos and the newly immortal Twilight "I'm the Juggernaught bitch" Sparkle running around with no possible way to stop them, or even slow them down.
  359. >She's gonna go power hungry and kill you all.
  360. >You know because this is more or less what YOU did.
  361. >You need to talk to Sister about this, it's going to end terribly.
  362. >No, No Celestia, this is how we die, or end up in Tartarus unless we do SOMETHING.
  363. >Yes, you do know this. Do you need to wave the helmet around again?
  364. >Oh, oh! She's complaining she's not more important.
  365. >Right on cue.
  366. >That servant better show up soon because you fucking ~CALLED IT~
  367. >Hoooo fuck Tirek is back. That's like..the only thing that could threaten Purple "I'm the day AND the night-implications everywhere" Sparkle.
  368. >Sister, she can already kill us all. What do you think will happen if something ALREADY malevolent steals her magic?
  369. >Discord, yes! Sending Discord is a WONDERFUL idea!
  370. >Shock shock, Twilight's pissed she's not the one we sent.
  371. >...
  372. >You want to give TWILIGHT our alicorn magic?
  373. >You can even begin to describe the multitude of ways this will end badly.
  374. >Unfortunately, your sister's going to give Twilight "Already going mad with power" Darkle her magic, and your niece will blindly do whatever Sunny D tells her to.
  375. >Fine, you'll go along with it. It's going to end terribly.
  376. >You are currently in Tartarus, along with your...dearest sister, and your niece.
  377. >The purple usurper now owns your magic, your moon, your flight, and even IF she decides to let you out, there's no way she'll give any of it back.
  378. "Celestia?"
  379. >"Yes sister?"
  380. "I told you this would happen."
  381.  
  382. -----------------------------------------------------------
  383.  
  384. Mommy Luna-
  385. >Your princess soars ahead of you and Dusk, her two personal bodyguards, as she patrols the borders of the Everfree Forest.
  386. >You beat your leathery wings as hard as you can.
  387. >It's the same thing as every night.
  388. >An hour or two of court, and then the three of you go out on "patrol" looking for monsters to beat up.
  389. >More specifically, you two desperately try to catch up to your charge for a few hours, then collapse in a panting heap once you make it back to Canterlot.
  390. >She often laments how "soft" the Lunar guard is, and you two especially.
  391. >Ahead, you see her circle around in the air, looking down.
  392. >She must have found something to fight.
  393. >Thank the stars! That always means you two have time to catch up.
  394. >Hopefully she found a dragon or something else relatively sturdy.
  395. >That way you'll even get a chance to catch your breath!
  396. >The princess swoops down, disappearing into the canopy.
  397. >You catch Dusk's eye.
  398. >She nods, and the two of you start to glide down to her.
  399. >No need to for you two to rush. If there were anything truly dangerous around, she would told you two about it before you left.
  400. >Her ability to see Celestia’s premonitions has made your jobs relatively easy..
  401. >As you slowly descend, your sensitive ears pick up the sound of high pitched screaming.
  402. >Is that a banshee?!
  403. >But...those went extinct centuries ago!
  404. >You gulp in fear.
  405. >If it IS one, then Princess Luna will actually be in danger.
  406. >You fold your wings back and dive down after her-your rest can wait, your Princess needs you!
  407. >Branches break against your armor as you tear through the trees, breaking out in a full gallop the instant you hit the ground..
  408. >You start pinging your echolocation to find her-almost no moonlight penetrates the dense canopy.
  409. >There!
  410. >She’s on the ground...she must have already engaged the banshee!
  411. >Why?
  412. >Why can't she ever wait for you two!?
  413. >You almost trip over a root as the wailing stops-the stories said they only stop once they have their victim.
  414. "Your highness!"
  415. >You cry out as you skid around a tree, revealing the star speckled form of you Princess from behind, sitting on her haunches...there's nothing else here.
  416. >Her head jerks up, looking back at you and she hisses out,
  417. >"Ssshhh!"
  418. >You skid to a halt, panting heavily as she puts her head back down, ignoring you.
  419. >...Out of all the things you were expecting, being shushed was not one of them.
  420. >Dusk soon comes tumbling through the branches, out of control with a bundle of leaves covering her face.
  421. >"Whaaah!"
  422. >She hits the ground at an angle, crying out as she comes tumbling to a stop.
  423. >Your ears perk up as you hear a loud, high pitched whimpering.
  424. >It's the banshee!
  425. >The princess coos out,
  426. >"Shhhh-shhh-shhhh. 'Tis but my guards little one, thou hath nothing to fear."
  427. >She's petting something...whatever she’s doing, it causes that whimpering to stop.
  428. >You carefully approach, keeping your voice down.
  429. "Ma'am?"
  430. >You circle around her, soon revealing a bundle of towels in her forelegs' grasp.
  431. >She's tenderly rocking it back and forth.
  432. >"Your highness...?" Dusk asks as she approaches. "What is it?"
  433. >Princess Luna waits until you two are next to her to lower her legs, revealing a bundled up creature.
  434. >You see a pudgy, scrunched up face of a species you've never seen before-that’s saying something.
  435. >The entire Lunar guard had to learn how to deal with every known monster within the Everfree.
  436. >The creature in your princess’s grasp looks almost...ape like.
  437. "What IS that?"
  438. >"I do not know, I've never seen anything like it before."
  439. >Luna pauses, her brow furrowed. "It's not of our world."
  440. >You and Dusk glance at each other, trying to determine if this is a threat or not.
  441. >"Your highness? How do you know that?"
  442. >Her horn glows, causing floating, glowing cracks in the air to appear just above her, looking as though someone broke a window.
  443. >The two of you jump back, wings at the ready.
  444. >"I landed just in time to see the portal close. This one must have fallen through it..."
  445. >Dusk pipes up, “Portal, your highness?”
  446. >”A window to another world. It’s rare, but they can open momentarily in the Everfree. Rarer still, will something come through before they close.”
  447. >You re-approach the aforementioned something, getting another look..
  448. >It's eyes are closed...it looks peaceful, if alien.
  449. "Are you going to send it back, Ma'am?"
  450. >She strokes the creature's bulbous head with a hoof, supporting it with her fetlock.
  451. >She shakes her head, "Alas, I cannot. Whilst I can tear the portal back open, without knowing the destination, it could lead anywhere."
  452. >Now THAT sounds like magic to you.
  453. >Always almost useful.
  454. >"So...what do you want to do with it, your Majesty?"
  455. >Luna thinks for a moment.
  456. >"We shall return to the castle at once. I am going to take care of it, and raise it as my own."
  457. >You and Dusk look at each other, alarm clear on your faces.
  458. >The last time she brought a pet back, it destroyed the west wing and almost ate her nephew.
  459. "Your Highness, with all due respect, it's a wild animal, who knows what it’s capable of?. It could be dangerous!"
  460. >Luna looks up, glaring daggers at you.
  461. >"Tis but a foal, and an intelligent one at that!"
  462. >She pulls open the blankets to reveal the...ape, for lack of a better term, is wearing clothing.
  463. >"That may be true Ma'am, but why you? Why not have the staff do it, or an orphanage? Anypony else could do it."
  464. >She’s getting dangerously close to the real reason you spoke up:
  465. >After the last pet, Celestia told you two that she would hold you both personally responsible for any more pets your Princess brings back.
  466. >Of course, if you TOLD Luna that, she would go ballistic.
  467. >Why can’t she just get something normal, like an owl, or another opossum?
  468. >The princess's directs her murderous gaze towards Dusk.
  469. >Your companion quickly withers under it as Luna spits out,
  470. >"It has been torn from everything it knows and dropped in an unfamiliar world, full of confusing sights and sounds. It's cry was one of loneliness, of pure desperation for somepony to acknowledge it, to save it."
  471. >She looks down at it, her expression softening.
  472. >She breathes out, her voice wavering, "I know not of another who is as well acquainted with that as I..."
  473. >Without either of you knowing how to respond, a silence descends, the only noises coming from deep within the forest.
  474. >You’re going to be in for an earful once morning comes.
  475. >The creature’s the one to break the silence, murmuring in that shrill voice.
  476. >"We shall return to the castle now. Shade,"
  477. >You salute.
  478. >”You will procure a crib and appropriate toys and bring them to my chambers. Dusk, you will go to the library and procure me a spell which will induce lactation, as well as modern parenting methods."
  479. >Dusk's face goes beet red as you snicker.
  480. >This right here is exactly why you tried to be subtle. Now you got the easy job.
  481. >She salutes, "Y-yes, your Majesty."
  482. >Luna clutches the bundle to her barrel as she spreads her wings.
  483. >"Come along now my Anonymous foal. Mother has you."
  484.  
  485. -----------------------------------------------------------
  486.  
  487. An Average Day in the SiMverse-
  488. >Wake up.
  489. >Nightmare Moon is assured that she hasn’t destroyed their relationship by letting Anon become aware of the fact that she had bad dreams.
  490. >Anon uses Celestia to take care of his morning wood.
  491. >They have a quick once-over of their agenda for the day while they both get dressed.
  492. >Breakfast.
  493. >The Captain of the Guard reports to Nightmare and Anon.
  494. >Meeting with some ponies or ambassadors of note.
  495. >Nightmare castrates someone.
  496. >Anon heads out for a round of interrogations.
  497. >Third meeting with some being of “importance.”
  498. >Lunch.
  499. >Briefing with the spy team on how Midnight Melancholy's doing.
  500. >Fourth meeting.
  501. >Anon plays with pets and Nightmare heads down into the dungeons to check on the prisoner of the week’s progress.
  502. >Nightmare gets to play mom when Midnight comes home.
  503. >Anon intervenes on any internal staffing issues Octavia brings to his attention.
  504. >Potentially intervene on “bad influence” in Midnight Melancholy's life.
  505. >Meeting with generals on the progress of stamping out the rebellion.
  506. >Anon and Nightmare go over various reports from the day, Nightmare tells Anon an amusing anecdote of something that happened while he was playing, Anon laughs, regardless of whether or not it’s funny.
  507. >Dinner.
  508. >Nightmare checks up on her brood mares, Anon either has another round of playtime or interrogates more prisoners.
  509. >Nightmare handles any sensitive communique and matters that require her to handle privately.
  510. >If she’s going to surprise Anon with something or make him some cookies, now would be the time.
  511. >Anon joins Nightmare, they read various things in bed.
  512. >Nightmare rewards Anon for all his hard work by allowing him to pleasure her.
  513. >They get right back into reading various reports.
  514. >Nightmare falls asleep.
  515. >Several hours later, Anon joins her, once the words on the scrolls stop making sense.
  516.  
  517. -----------------------------------------------------------
  518.  
  519. Luna attempts to run a tapletop RPG-
  520. “Armor save? Luna, what are you talking about?”
  521. >Luna roped you and Chryssi into playing some twisted version of a roleplaying game.
  522. >Domesday.
  523. >She had said it was from “her time.”
  524. >You know, if the freaky unsealed star goddess wasn’t so hot, you probably wouldn’t go along with her shit.
  525. >Well...that and Supreme Overlord Celestia ordered you both to be friends with her sister.
  526. >”He shouldn’t need to save anything, he’s out of the lava...I think?”
  527. >Chryssi tilts her head as she studies the pieces on the table.
  528. >At least you aren’t the only one confused.
  529. >Luna facepalms and sighs.
  530. >”I’ve said before, this game is far more realistic than the simplistic, boring, ridiculous games of this age. You don’t have to be IN the lava to be burned, standing next to it is enough.”
  531. >You look at the table.
  532. >Pulling out your compass you measure the distance between your character and the lava.
  533. >According to the scale thing you’re at least ten cubits away from any lava pool.
  534. >How long is a cubit?
  535. “Yea but, don’t I get a strength save for that? I’m playing a visgoth, I get a bonus to strength .”
  536. >”You get the bonus, yes, but that doesn’t apply here.”
  537. >Chryssi looks over the character sheets again.
  538. >”I don’t see how armor applies here either…”
  539. >Luna growls, before pulling a book out of the bottom of the stack.
  540. >She throws it at you.
  541. >It magically slows down before it hits you in the face, gently floating down to the table.
  542. >”Page Four hundred seventy four.”
  543.  
  544.  
  545. >Grumbling, you leaf through the gigantic book, ignoring the beautiful hand drawn illustrations that adorn every page.
  546. >It takes about six tries to find the right page.
  547. >They’re numbed with roman numerals.
  548. >You stare at the calligraphy on the page for a moment, before turning the book upside down.
  549. >That didn’t help.
  550. “Luna, I can’t read any of this, it isn’t english.”
  551. >Luna slams her fist on the table.
  552. >”It most certainly IS English, you uneducated swine!”
  553. >She flicks her fingers, causing the book to float back to her.
  554. >“See? It’s written here plain as my moon. ‘Se miht of þīn herepād sculan beorgan ēow from brond.’”
  555. >You look at Chryssi.
  556. >You aren’t hallucinating, right? There’s no way that’s English in any way.
  557. >She looks back down at the character sheets, her brow furrowed.
  558. >”Miht, that means strength, right here!”
  559. >Luna collapses into a double facepalm.
  560. >”Strength of thy ARMOR, you simpletons. That means an ARMOR SAVE.”
  561. >This is about the 20th time you've had this conversation.
  562. “Wait, how is armor protecting you against lava realistic in any way?”
  563. >Moon goddess looks up at you exasperatedly.
  564. >”Hast thou truly never worn a suit of armor? The padding inside will insulate thee from the heat.”
  565. “If I had known that, I would have bought armor!”
  566. >Chryssi collapses on the table.
  567. >”Luna, can we please just play Hyperspace Hyperwars again?”
  568. “That’s all you ever want to play!”

Old Man Anon

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