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A Matter of Life and Death by Cerenth

By kqaii
Created: 2021-02-27 04:41:32
Expiry: Never
anonnsfwcomedyrainbow dash/aie/flutterrape

  1. [Copied from https://poneb.in/4UBF55vg]
  2. [Original author Cerenth (https://pastebin.com/u/Cerenth)]
  3. A Matter of Life and Death by Cerenth
  4. ~~~~~~~~~~~~
  5.  
  6. >Day of your execution in Equestria.
  7. >You wake up in your prison cell because of the sunlight falling on your face.
  8. >You figured it out after a couple of days in here:
  9. >Canterlot Castle Dungeons are designed to make your life hell with the little details.
  10. >Like how your one source of light in this dark and dreary hole falls right on your face at dawn.
  11. >The sunlight streams through the iron bars at your window, bright and ignorant to your discomfort.
  12. >You groan and roll over.
  13. >Maybe if you go back to bed they’ll ignore you.
  14. >The opening and closing of a heavy door in the distance tells you otherwise.
  15. >The heavy, plated footsteps of a guard make their noisy way to your cell.
  16. >You hear the jangling of keys, and the clunking turn of the heavy lock on the door.
  17. >”Prisoner Anon. It’s time.”
  18. >You sigh to yourself.
  19. >You never were one to shirk your responsibilities.
  20. >And for this mess.
  21. >You’re entirely to blame.
  22. >You get up and shuffle in your manacles to the guard.
  23. >He attaches a chain to you which is fitted to a yoke that he wears.
  24. >He leads you out of the dungeon to the palace halls.
  25. >A priest and another troupe of guards await there to escort you.
  26. >No words are exchanged.
  27. >The priest starts reading your last rites.
  28. >As you solemnly walk to your death, you reflect upon the situation that got you here.
  29.  
  30. >Day today is going to be a good day in Equestria.
  31. >You wake up to the chirping of birds outside your window.
  32. >It’s pleasant, and not too shrill.
  33. >Your eyes flutter open to be greeted by the soft sunlight streaming through your curtains.
  34. >You stretch, smiling and enjoying the comfort of your bed.
  35. >Today feels like one of those days.
  36. >One of those days where you can take on the world!
  37. >You get out of bed and get on with your morning routine.
  38. >After taking care of the three S’es, you feel pretty good.
  39. >You head downstairs and pour yourself a bowl of Cheerilee-o’s.
  40. >They’re nutritional AND educational!
  41. >Whatever that’s supposed to mean.
  42. >You much down your hoop shaped grains happily, regardless.
  43. >Yeah. This is a pretty good start to the day.
  44. >You couldn’t have hoped for better.
  45. >The sun is shining.
  46. >The birds are singing.
  47. >You’ve got the whole day to look forward to.
  48. >And that’s when she knocks on the door.
  49. >That knock...
  50. >This early in the morning...
  51. >It could only be one mare...
  52. >That mare that keeps on coming round to see you every day...
  53. >You walk over to the door.
  54. >You fling it open with much fervor.
  55.  
  56. >To reveal Rainbow Dash, the pony you were expecting!
  57. >”M-morning, Anon! How are you today?” She says in her raspy voice.
  58. >It’s at a slightly higher pitch than usual today.
  59. >You can’t help but notice that she has also actually run a comb through her mane.
  60. >And from the smell of sweet magnolia, she has had a shower too.
  61. >And... Are those earrings?
  62. >She’s really trying today!
  63. “I’m great, Dashie. You look nice today!”
  64. >She blushes a fierce pink underneath her blue coat, at your nickname for her and your compliment.
  65. >”T-thanks... You too.”
  66. >She blushes even harder and looks away when she utters those two magic words reflexively.
  67. >It’s so cute.
  68. >For all of her coolness, she always manages to deposit copious amounts of Italian pasta when she’s around you.
  69. >You spare her any further embarrassment and take the reins of this conversation.
  70. “So, what do you have planned for today, Dash?”
  71. >”Oh, uh... Well... I was thinking that we could head into town for a while, then get some lunch, then I could do a few stunts for you, then we can just chill and maybe come back here for some booze and a movie?”
  72. “Sounds great!”
  73. >”...and maybe some snuggles...”
  74. “What was that, RD? I didn’t quite catch it.”
  75. >”N-nothing! Come on, let’s go!”
  76. >She grabs you with her sticky hooves and drags you out of your house by your shirt.
  77. >You stagger forward, having no choice but to follow her.
  78. >After a walk and a flap you both arrive in P0nyville.
  79. “So what did you want to do here, Dash?”
  80. >”Well I hear Twilight got the latest Daring Do book. I’d really like to go see her and ask if I could borrow it.”
  81. “Sure, let’s go.”
  82. >You go to Twilight’s housebrary.
  83. >You open the door to be assaulted by the usual smell of day old pizza.
  84. >Twilight doesn’t eat well.
  85. >She just casts slimming spells on herself.
  86. >OP unicorns...
  87. >Spike welcomes you.
  88. >”Hey guys! You’ll have to keep it down. Twilight is still asleep.”
  89. >Asleep? It’s 11 am!
  90. >”That lazy egghead! Doesn’t she ever stop burning the midnight oil?”
  91. >”Yeah, I keep telling her to get proper sleep. But Princess Celestia said that she had to read 12 textbooks this weekend for some reason. She’s hardly gotten a wink of sleep!”
  92. “That’s pretty damn harsh...”
  93. >”Tell me about it. Anyway, this is the first time in days that she’s actually dozed off, so if you could keep it down I’d appreciate it.”
  94. >”No problem, Spike! You won’t know I’m here. You know me! I’m the queen of subtlety!”
  95. >You try not to laugh.
  96. >You fail.
  97. >But Spike is laughing along with you at least.
  98. >Rainbow pouts.
  99. >”Yeah, yeah, ok. Laugh it up. Whatever...”
  100. “Sorry, Dashie. I just... No. You’re far too awesome to be quiet like that.”
  101. >You run a hand through her mane to apologise to her.
  102. >She blushes again and leans into your hand.
  103. >You withdraw your hand and she makes a small whining noise.
  104. >But she quickly clears her throat when she realises what she has done.
  105. >”W-well, I’ll have you know that I once went on a dangerous infiltration mission!”
  106. >”Yeah, to get a Daring Do book from a hospital...” Spike interjects.
  107. >Rainbow Dash suddenly looks very sheepish and stuffs a hoof in Spike’s mouth.
  108. >”You don’t have to tell him that part...”
  109. >You can’t help but laugh again.
  110. >She’s cute when she wants to be.
  111. >Spike removes her hoof from his mouth.
  112. >”Haha. You two are such a good couple, you know. I wish Rarity and I got along together that well...”
  113. “Whoa, Spike! Rainbow Dash and I aren’t dating!”
  114. >Rainbow Dash suddenly looks away from you as you say those words.
  115. >Suddenly the floor and walls are very interesting to her.
  116. >”Y-yeah... Like I’d ever date a big ape like Anon! I m-mean... Honestly!”
  117. “And as for Rarity, I’m sure she’ll come around one day.”
  118. >”Yeah, I hope so too...”
  119. >You feel bad for the little guy.
  120. >He tries so hard to be noticed and barely gets the time of day.
  121. >It doesn’t help that he’s not a p0ny.
  122. >The species barrier is something he’ll never overcome.
  123. >Just like you in a way...
  124. >To be honest, you’ve kind of overcome the p0ny-human block in your mind.
  125. >But here in Equestria you’re classed as an animal technically.
  126. >And that means that if you were to hook up with a p0ny, it’d be classed as bestiality.
  127. >The irony is not lost on you.
  128. >Truth be told, you really want to cum inside Rainbow Dash.
  129. >But she’d never want to sleep with you.
  130. >Apart from the whole bestiality thing, she just said as much a second ago.
  131. >But you still enjoy hanging out with her.
  132. >She’s your best bro.
  133. >”I could talk to her if you want, Spike. Maybe ask her to go on a picnic or something with you...?” Dash offers.
  134. >”Really? You mean that?”
  135. >Spike’s eyes glisten with hope.
  136. >”Pshh. Of course! I’m always willing to help a friend! They don’t call me the Element of Awesome for nothing!”
  137. “That’s loyalty, Dash.”
  138. >”Ehh... Same difference.”
  139. >You facepalm.
  140. >You can’t help it. It’s more of a reflex than anything.
  141. >”That’d be awesome! Thanks, Rainbow Dash!”
  142. >Spike runs forward and gives Dash’s leg a big hug.
  143. >”Ah, it’s no problem kiddo. Don’t thank me yet though. I haven’t talked to her!”
  144. >”But... It’s still really nice of you to offer. If there’s anything I can do for you, just ask.”
  145. >”Well actually... Twilight said that the new Daring Do book had come out. Have you got it?”
  146. >”Oh, yeah... She mentioned that. And she also said that you’d come asking for it.”
  147. >”Well?”
  148. >Spike rubs a claw against the back of his head.
  149. >”She said not to lend it to you. She’s not done with it herself yet, and she wants to finish it before she puts it up for loan.”
  150. >”Aww...”
  151. >”But you can read it here in the library! I’ll go get it for you!”
  152. >”Awesome! Thanks, Spike!”
  153. >Spike runs off upstairs to Twilight’s room to fetch the book.
  154. >You and Rainbow stand awkwardly in the library...
  155. >”So... did you mean it when you said...”
  156. >”Got it!”
  157. >Spike comes racing down the stairs triumphantly with the book clutched in his claws.
  158. >You just got saved by the baby dragon.
  159. >You’re thankful anyway.
  160. >Spike hands Rainbow Dash the book.
  161. >”Thanks again, Spike!”
  162. >”You’re welcome, Dash.”
  163. >You find a seat in the library to sit down while Rainbow Dash reads.
  164. >After a few minutes, a ragged looking Twilight descends from above.
  165. >Her bloodshot eyes and unkempt mane speak volumes about her current mental state.
  166. >And when Twilight’s mental acuteness is in question, it never bodes well for you.
  167. >You grab a book from a nearby shelf and use it to cover your face.
  168. >Hopefully she won’t recognise your unique physique.
  169. >”HI ANON!”
  170. >You slowly lower the book and peer over the top.
  171. >Yeah, she’s got that look in her eyes again.
  172. >And that creepy grin.
  173. >And that cream cheese smell.
  174. >This will not end well.
  175. “Uh... Hi, Twilight... How’s it going?”
  176. >”FINE! Just... fine. I did all my reading this weekend. I had to go back in time twice to do it, but Princess Celestia will be so proud of me!”
  177. “Uh... Yeah...”
  178. >You raise your book again as a shield from her craziness.
  179. >It doesn’t work.
  180. >”So, you’re reading up about Equine mating practices? Good to see!”
  181. >Is she serious?
  182. >You look at the cover of the book.
  183. >She’s right.
  184. >Of all the books you could have picked up...
  185. >The Pony Sutra had to be the one your hand ended up on.
  186. >You quickly get rid of the book.
  187. >”So, after reading that, are you ready to let me study you?”
  188. “NO!”
  189. >Spike shushes you from across the room.
  190. “N-no. We’ve been over this, Twilight. I won’t consent to your prodding. I don’t even want to have sex with a p0ny!”
  191. >”But it’s for SCIENCE, Anon! I NEED TO KNOW.”
  192. >Oh boy.
  193. >You’ve got the most powerful unicorn in Equestria wanting to get to your dick.
  194. >And she won’t take no for an answer.
  195. >”Hey, Twilight! There you are!”
  196. >Rainbow Dash flies over to the two of you.
  197. >”Oh, hey Rainbow Dash!”
  198. >”Twilight, I have to talk to you about my latest chapter!”
  199. >Rainbow Dash gives a very clear wink to you.
  200. >Thank you Bro ex Machina.
  201. >Twilight’s eyes light up instantly.
  202. >Her hair even goes back to normal.
  203. >”Really? Did you finish it? DID Blainbow Blash get into the Bonderwolts yet?!”
  204. >”Not yet. I need some of your opinions and input.”
  205. >”YESYESYESYESYESYESYESYES!”
  206. >Wow. You’re really glad that Twilight’s fetish is poorly written fanfiction.
  207. >She’s completely absorbed in conversation with Rainbow Dash.
  208. >You take this opportunity to sneak out of the library.
  209. >After a few minutes Rainbow Dash comes out to meet you.
  210. >You give her a hug.
  211. “Thank you so much, Rainbow. I don’t know what I would have done without you.”
  212. >She blushes from your physical contact.
  213. >”It’s n-no problem. What are friends for?”
  214. “You’re more than a friend to me, Dashie.”
  215. >She looks hopeful all of a sudden.
  216. “You’re my bro!”
  217. >And now she looks sad.
  218. >”Y-yeah... Bros for life...”
  219. “Now how about we go get lunch?”
  220. >”Sure...”
  221. >You two head off to a cafe and grab something to eat.
  222. >After lunch you head to one of the fields near your house for Dash to show you some tricks.
  223. >She always seems so majestic when she’s flying.
  224. >She is in her element.
  225. >She has complete control over the skies.
  226. >She loops, turns and rolls with the greatest of ease.
  227. >Her trademark rainbow trail follows behind her like a banner.
  228. >It’s truly a unique spectacle.
  229. >Fitting for such a unique girl.
  230. >You watch her show from under the shade of a tree.
  231. >Surrounded by beauty, you appreciate how good your life really is.
  232. >It’s nothing like back on Earth.
  233. >Rainbow Dash swoops in for a landing next to you.
  234. >”Did you see that? I did 10 aileron rolls in a row! My head was spinning but I managed to hold it!”
  235. “That was totally awesome, bro!”
  236. >You hold out a fist for her to bump.
  237. >She hesitates, but eventually raises her hoof for a weak brofist.
  238. >She must be tired.
  239. >You pat your lap and she lays down next to you.
  240. >She rests her head on your lap, and you idly stroke her mane.
  241. >You can smell the sweat she worked up earlier.
  242. >She smells just like rain after a thunderstorm...
  243. >With your soothing touch she closes her eyes and you can feel her breathing start to slow.
  244. >It’s peaceful, just the two of you lying in the meadow on a sunny day like this one.
  245. >And then out of the corner of your eye you spot something that’ll ruin your day.
  246. >A glimpse of yellow.
  247. >A splash of pink.
  248. >Both in the same place on the horizon.
  249. >It’s Flutternutter with what looks to be her latest fetish attempt.
  250. >She walks up to you and Rainbow.
  251. >You put on your best scowl for the occasion.
  252. >She waddles up to you in her latest costume.
  253. >She’s dressed as a giant bowling ball.
  254. >”HEY ANON, WANT TO GO BOWLING?” She shouts in an eastern European accent.
  255. >Wut
  256. >Her shouting wakes Rainbow Dash up.
  257. >”Huh, wha?!”
  258. >”T-that is, if you don’t mind...”
  259. “Fluttershy, is this your fetish attempt for today?”
  260. >”Y-yes. Do you like it?”
  261. “I don’t even... How is this a fetish?!”
  262. >”W-well... You could stick your fingers in my holes...”
  263. >She turns around and...
  264. >Winks at you.
  265. >You shudder.
  266. “I just... Normally your fetish attempts are at least somewhat understandable... But this... THIS... WHY?”
  267. >You’re shouting at her now.
  268. >”I... I just... I saw you playing that game... And there was that one human that really liked bowling because he kept on calling you up... I thought it was a human thing...”
  269. >”Fluttershy, why are you bothering Anon again? Can’t you see we’re busy?”
  270. >”O-oh, I’m sorry Rainbow Dash, but I need to make Anon love me...”
  271. >Rainbow Dash gets an awfully angry look on her face and takes to the skies.
  272. >”Well he doesn’t like p0nies that way! He said so earlier... Now buzz off!”
  273. >Rainbow Dash swoops down at Fluttershy, causing her to stumble backwards.
  274. >The yellow Pegasus stumbles on a rock with a hind hoof and tumbles over in her bulky costume.
  275. >With her momentum, she rolls such that she’s on her back, and gravity pulls her legs into the costume’s leg holes.
  276. >”Eek!”
  277. >She doesn’t stop rolling though, and she continues all the way out of the meadow and down the road.
  278. >She squeaks and squeals all the way down.
  279. >Soon she’s out of sight.
  280. >You’re sure she’ll be fine.
  281. >She always is.
  282. >You and Rainbow Dash look at each other.
  283. >And burst out laughing.
  284. >You know it’s mean to laugh at friends like that, but Fluttershy is a rapist.
  285. >Or at least she tries to be.
  286. >”Hahaha! That’s got to be the lamest attempt she’s tried yet!”
  287. “I know, right! Bowling! How would that even work?”
  288. >Dash lands and faces away from you.
  289. >She raises her tail and thrusts her ass in your face.
  290. >”Look, I’m stupid, sexy Fluttershy! I want your hot fingers in my holes!” She says with derped eyes.
  291. >You stop laughing.
  292. >Only because you’re trying to focus your mental power on stopping your boner from popping up.
  293. “Heh, yeah. I know, right? Silly Fluttershy...”
  294. >You suddenly find the clouds very interesting today.
  295. >You jump when you feel Rainbow’s head rest on your crotch once more.
  296. >Her breath is teasing your semi-erection through your pants.
  297. >You can’t push her away though; that’d break character.
  298. >But surely she must notice your excitement at that range...
  299. >You put a shaky hand on her neck and stroke her mane.
  300. >It’s just the two of you again.
  301. >But then you hear quiet sobbing.
  302. >You look down to see Rainbow Dash’s back heaving with stifled crying.
  303. “Rainbro? Y’alright?”
  304. >She looks up at you with big, wet eyes.
  305. >”Did... Did you really mean it earlier?”
  306. “Mean what?”
  307. >”When you said you didn’t like p0nies...”
  308. “Y-yes... Of course!”
  309. >”LIAR!”
  310. >With a powerful flap of her wings she mounts you.
  311. >Her forelegs rest on your chest and her hind legs are splayed either side of your waist.
  312. >You can feel her body heat all along your torso, and more importantly on your ever expanding erection.
  313. >”I can feel it! Right now! Do you really not like me?”
  314. “Rainbow...”
  315. >”What’s wrong? Is it because I’m not a human? Are you better than us? Huh?”
  316. >You silence her with a deep kiss.
  317. >You bring your hand to cup her cheek.
  318. >The other one you place at her hip.
  319. >She squeals with surprise at your sudden display of affection.
  320. >Her wings shoot out from her sides.
  321. >You play with her tongue in her mouth with yours.
  322. >She’s still in shock, so she’s completely pliant.
  323. >You break the kiss.
  324. “Dashie... The truth is, I do like you. You’re always there for me. You’re more than my bro. But it can’t be like that. The law is that it’s bestiality.”
  325. >”I... I don’t care! I want you so badly, Anon... No other stallion makes me feel like you do...”
  326. >She leans in for another kiss.
  327. >You know it’s wrong.
  328. >You know you could get in trouble.
  329. >But can’t you indulge just this once...?
  330. >This time she leads the kiss.
  331. >Her strong tongue invades your mouth with fierce dexterity.
  332. >While she has her way exploring your mouth, you move your hand up her face to her ear.
  333. >You rub it between your thumb and forefinger.
  334. >It elicits a moan from her.
  335. >The p0nies always liked your fingers.
  336. >But they’ve never experienced the true power of them.
  337. >With your other hand you use a finger to trace a circle on her cutie mark.
  338. >She squeaks and breaks the kiss, unable to focus.
  339. >She’s panting now.
  340. >She simply lays her head on your chest and lets you have your way with her.
  341. >You bring your hand up her back, tracing her spine.
  342. >You can feel her shiver at your touch.
  343. >With the other hand you stroke through her mane, bringing it down her neck.
  344. >Your hands meet at her wings, where you gently caress her wing pits.
  345. >Her head jerks up, as if she’s just received an electric shock.
  346. >”Nnn-no... Don’t...”
  347. “No, Dashie?”
  348. >”Don’t... stop... Don’t stop...”
  349. >That’s what you thought she meant.
  350. >You get a firm hold on her sides with the palms of your hands, and place your thumb and forefinger either side of her wing bones.
  351. >She shudders at your touch, and you’ve barely started yet.
  352. >You can feel the strong muscles and tendons that she uses to propel herself to such high speeds.
  353. >They’re tense and rippling with power.
  354. >You decide that the best course of action would be to work out some of that tension.
  355. >You start massaging her sides.
  356. >You keep your thumb and forefinger wrapped around her wing pit in a ring.
  357. >You use the rest of your fingers to search out for nodes of tension and work them out.
  358. >She sighs and melts at your touch.
  359. >You smirk as you watch her break down to a lump of quivering flesh at your ministrations.
  360. >Her usual brash exterior has been broken down entirely.
  361. >You’ve reached the sincere girl inside.
  362. >And you love it.
  363. >You keep massaging, causing her to roll her head back and forth on your chest.
  364. >”Please... no more... it’s not fair...”
  365. >You can feel her wetness on your crotch.
  366. >She’s humping you ever so gently, eager for your cock.
  367. “What do you want, Dashie?”
  368. >”I want... I need... You.”
  369. >It’s not nice, but you love hearing her beg.
  370. >You take your hands off her sides and lower them to deal with your belt buckle.
  371. >She flaps her wings and stands on her hind legs while you do this.
  372. >As she leans forward she peppers your face with tiny kisses.
  373. >It makes you smile to see her so affectionate.
  374. >You kiss her back.
  375. >Finally your member is no longer constrained.
  376. >Without any clothing between you two anymore, you can feel the heat radiating from her crotch.
  377. >It’s all the more evident on your sensitive rod.
  378. >When you move your hands back up to her body, she realises that she’s clear for launch.
  379. >She wastes no time in slamming herself down on you, impaling her snatch on you in one sudden motion.
  380. >She moans loudly from the overwhelming sensation.
  381. >You groan from the feeling of being surrounded by her blistering heat.
  382. >The velvety texture of her tunnel grips you, and tries to milk you.
  383. >She’s running on pure instinct now, and wants your seed.
  384. >Her juices overflow from her cunt, staining your crotch.
  385. >Her clit winks out at you, poking your pelvis.
  386. >She stays still for a few seconds, getting used to the feeling of you inside her.
  387. >She twitches and quivers, relying on you for support.
  388. >Her wings are fully outstretched, almost painfully so.
  389. >Her full plumage is on display.
  390. “Dash, are you...”
  391. >”I’m fine! It’s just... so much...”
  392. >No sooner after she has said this does she start moving.
  393. >It’s slow and gentle at first, but she picks up the pace very quickly.
  394. >She bounces up and down on you, panting with each stroke.
  395. >You can’t help but throw your head back from the sensation yourself, releasing a throaty grunt.
  396. >She’s so tight around you.
  397. >And she fits like a glove.
  398. >You can feel yourself hitting her cervix with each thrust.
  399. >Each time you touch it with the tip of your cock only adds to your pleasure.
  400. >She keeps bouncing up and down on you relentlessly.
  401. >Her pace just seems to be getting quicker.
  402. >As she speeds up she starts using her wings to assist her.
  403. >They flap in time with her bounces, lifting her up and slamming her down.
  404. >You grit your teeth from the pleasure overtaking your senses.
  405. >”Anon, I’m gonna...”
  406. >Already?
  407. >She’s wasting no time in achieving her orgasm.
  408. >She starts clenching, and you can feel her approaching her climax.
  409. >The added tightness and stimulation pushes you very quickly towards your zenith as well.
  410. “M-me too...”
  411. >”Inside...”
  412. >You don’t think you had a choice where this was going to go anyway.
  413. >With one final burst of speed she becomes a blue blur on your dick.
  414. >The feeling is incredible; indescribable.
  415. >If she wasn’t leaking so much lubrication, you’re sure you’d have friction burns by now.
  416. >Her speed gives a slight edge of pain to the pleasure and sends you racing towards your peak.
  417. >She starts to slow down though as she wordlessly cums, squirting her love juice all over your thighs.
  418. >She throws her head back and grinds her teeth as she rides the waves of euphoria.
  419. >Her vulva milks you for all you’re worth, and you’re more than happy to oblige.
  420. >You blow your load deep inside her.
  421. >You cum hard and long, the warm sensations in her belly extending her orgasm as well.
  422. >The two of you are locked in a paralyzing embrace as you ride your pleasure peaks to their conclusions.
  423. >Rainbow Dash is panting, leaning on your chest.
  424. >You wrap your arms around her.
  425. >”That... was awesome.”
  426. “You can say that again.”
  427. >”That was awesome.”
  428. >You giggle and boop her on the nose for that one.
  429. >She kisses you back.
  430. >You try to suppress a smile as you kiss.
  431. >But it breaks through.
  432. >She’s smiling too.
  433. >As you clumsily try to control your lips, your teeth clack together.
  434. >”Ow!”
  435. “Ouch!”
  436. >You both look into each other’s eyes.
  437. >And you burst out giggling.
  438. >It’s moments like these that make you happy.
  439.  
  440. >You woke up the next day to an insistent banging on your front door.
  441. >When you opened it, the royal guard insisted that you come with them.
  442. >And the sequence of events that followed were pretty easy to figure out.
  443. >They convicted you on a charge of bestiality.
  444. >They couldn’t charge Rainbow Dash, since she was one of the Elements of Harmony.
  445. >So they painted you as the instigator, and that you raped her.
  446. >It was a kangaroo court, and you were sentenced within an hour.
  447. >Turns out the punishment is death.
  448. >Who knew?
  449. >So here you are standing at the gallows.
  450. >A crowd of p0nies has congregated in front of the stage.
  451. >You’re next in line.
  452. >Up on the rope right now is a p0ny in a white shirt with a black waistcoat.
  453. >He looks like some kind of smuggler or something.
  454. >He stands proudly on the trap door.
  455. >The executioner p0ny reads:
  456. >”Harrison Solo, you have been convicted on the charge of bestiality. The sentence for this is death by hanging. Your punishment will now be carried out.”
  457. >A guard p0ny comes and places the noose over Harrison’s neck.
  458. >Harrison looks stoic and calm.
  459. >The guard p0ny backs away and the executioner gets ready to pull the lever.
  460. >Suddenly a wookie bursts through the throng of p0nies.
  461. >It reaches the front of the stage and roars.
  462. >It doesn’t seem to be aggressive.
  463. >It holds up a sign.
  464. >The sign reads: “I lurve u.”
  465. >Harrison reads the sign and sheds a single tear.
  466. >He responds:
  467. >”I know.”
  468. >Then the executioner pulls the lever.
  469. >Harrison drops with a sickening snap, prompting a collective “OOOH... That’s gotta hurt...” from the crowd.
  470. >His body spasms for a second or two.
  471. >”Aaah... Urgh...” comes from the crowd.
  472. >Then it twitches.
  473. >The crowd takes a synchronised breath through their teeth.
  474. >Then Harrison is still.
  475. >The wookie runs off to wherever he came from.
  476. >Harrison’s corpse is removed, and you’re walked onto the stage.
  477. >As you mount the steps you can see the mane 6 at the back of the crowd.
  478. >They’re all showing various stages of sadness.
  479. >Rarity has fainted already. You know that’s just how she expresses herself.
  480. >Pinkie Pie is crying, her eyes erupting in twin fountains of salty tears.
  481. >The nearby p0nies have pulled out umbrellas.
  482. >Twilight is crying, but also has a notepad ready, you assume to take notes on how humans react to hanging.
  483. >Applejack is staying strong for Fluttershy, who is wailing loudly.
  484. >”TAKE ME INSTEAD! IT MIGHT BE HIS FETISH!”
  485. >Only the dead can know peace from her evil.
  486. >And finally Rainbow Dash.
  487. >She stands apart from the rest, her eyes pleading with whoever might lock sights with her.
  488. >She cries silently, looking at you from afar.
  489. >She won’t say anything to the others.
  490. >But she’s being affected the worst right now.
  491. >She just doesn’t show it.
  492. >You walk onto the platform.
  493. >And that’s when you realise that you might not have reached your final destination.
  494. >The p0nies built this structure with p0nies in mind.
  495. >Not humans.
  496. >The p0nies only come up to your belly button at most, and you’re not even a big guy.
  497. >You’re average at best, around six feet tall.
  498. >The gallows are too small.
  499. >You kneel on stage to get low enough for the gallows to reach over you.
  500. >You have to stoop down for the guard p0ny to get the noose around your neck.
  501. >He unlocks your restraints while he’s at it.
  502. >The executioner starts his spiel.
  503. >”Anon the human, you have been convicted of bestiality. The sentence for this is death by hanging. Your punishment will now be carried out.”
  504. >You grin widely.
  505. >Twilight starts scribbling furiously on her pad.
  506. >”I KNEW IT!” Fluttershy cries out.
  507. >Dash looks shocked at your reaction.
  508. >You wink to her.
  509. “TOTALLY WORTH IT!” You scream.
  510. >The executioner p0ny pulls the lever.
  511. >The crowd does their usual “OOH... That’s gotta hurt!”
  512. >You drop all of two feet and extend your bent knees.
  513. >You land safely on the ground.
  514. >The rope is still slack.
  515. >You look around.
  516. >Everyp0ny is still staring at you.
  517. >There is absolute silence for a second or two...
  518. >Then the crowd goes “Aaahh... Urgh...”
  519. >”I CAN’T WATCH!” Pinkie Pie screams from the back.
  520. >You awkwardly look around.
  521. >Nop0ny seems to be doing anything about this...
  522. >You remove the noose from your neck.
  523. >The crowd take their synchronised intake of breath.
  524. >You climb out of the pit and walk off stage.
  525. >None of the guards stop you.
  526. >The next p0ny walks up to the gallows and the executions continue.
  527. >You look for the mane six, but they’ve disappeared.
  528. >Well, you’ve got nothing to do here anymore.
  529. >You walk away from the castle.
  530. >And all the way back to P0nyville.
  531. >Well that went better than expected.
  532. >You reach P0nyville and stop by your house for a shower and a quick change of clothes.
  533. >You set out to see the mane six to celebrate your cheating of death.
  534. >You figure you should go see Twilight first.
  535. >She’s still kind of the leader of the group, so word will spread fast through her.
  536. >As you walk through town you remark to yourself that there’s nop0ny on the streets.
  537. >You reach her library and enter.
  538. >When you enter you notice that it’s incredibly dark inside.
  539. >All the curtains are shut, and none of the lights are on.
  540. >You shut the door after yourself.
  541. >This alerts someone in the house to your presence.
  542. >Spike comes rushing down the stairs.
  543. >”Sorry, we’re closed today. We’re having a day of mourning for... ANON?!”
  544. “The one and only, bro!”
  545. >”H-how are you...? Twilight said... Twilight... TWILIGHT!”
  546. >Spike runs upstairs.
  547. >You follow.
  548. >You reach the top of the stairs just in time to overhear Spike’s conversation with Twilight.
  549. >”I saw him get hanged, Spike! He’s gone! You just have to accept it!”
  550. >”No, Twilight! He’s here! In the library! Come see for yourself!”
  551. >”That’s impossible, Spike... Please, just stop...”
  552. >You enter Twilight’s bedroom.
  553. >It’s an absolute mess.
  554. >You have a feeling that this is not its default state though.
  555. >A pile of tissues lies next to the bed.
  556. >Twilight’s streaming face is all you need to see to know what happened.
  557. >She looks at you incredulously.
  558. >”No... That’s...”
  559. >”I told you, Twilight!”
  560. >You give a little wave to her.
  561. >She teleports out of bed next to you.
  562. >”How...? Who are you? Are you a changeling?”
  563. “Nope. It’s me. They didn’t kill me, Twilight. They didn’t even come close.”
  564. >”Are all humans immune to execution?”
  565. “What? No! The drop wasn’t long enough. It’s lethal for a p0ny, but I just landed on my feet.”
  566. >”But we saw you! They put the noose around your neck and they pulled the lever! That kills p0nies!”
  567. >You facepalm.
  568. “Check my vitals, Twilight. I am alive.”
  569. >Her horn glows purple and she waves it up and down your body.
  570. >”Corporeal: Check. Pulse: Check. Twisted sense of humour: Check. There’s no doubt about it, you’re Anon.”
  571. >She suddenly gets a look of realisation on her face.
  572. >”Oh my Celestia! You’re Anon! I’m so happy you’re alive!”
  573. >She gives you a big hug around your waist.
  574. >You stagger back slightly from the force of it, but place a hand on her head to hug her in return.
  575. >She releases you suddenly.
  576. >”I’ve got to go tell the girls!”
  577. >With a flash of light she disappears from existence.
  578. >”I’m so glad you’re back, Anon.” Spike says.
  579. “I’m glad too.”
  580. >With another flash of light the mane six appear in Twilight’s bedroom.
  581. >Rarity lifts a hoof in disgust.
  582. >”Darling, I know you’re having a rough time, but you simply must take better care of... Anon?!”
  583. >Whilst Rarity was busy critiquing the state of Twilight’s bedchamber, the rest of the mane six have had their eyes transfixed on you the whole time.
  584. >”Anon...? Is it r-really you?” Fluttershy asks.
  585. “In the flesh!”
  586. >Pinkie Pie bounces over to you and gives you a ribcage-crushing hug.
  587. >”Oh, Anon! We missed you so much! We’re so glad you’re back!”
  588. “I’m glad to be back, Pinkie.”
  589. >The celebrations are broken though by certain blue mare.
  590. >”No... It can’t be... No! NO!” Rainbow Dash screams.
  591. >She takes flight and smashes through the nearest window, racing back to her house.
  592. >She’s been on an emotional rollercoaster, that girl...
  593. >This must be too much for her.
  594. >”See, girls! I told you! I even checked him. He’s right here in the flesh.”
  595. >Applejack shakes her head to clear her mind.
  596. >”Now, now. Let’s just all calm down. This is most likely a trick of some kind. We all saw Anon get hanged, didn’t we?”
  597. >The girls all nod in agreement.
  598. >”Yeah... They put the noose around his neck and...”
  599. >”Pulled the lever...”
  600. >Fluttershy and Pinkie start to tear up again.
  601. >”So which is more likely? That we’re all hallucinatin’ or that Anon here has come back from the dead?”
  602. “Uh... I never died...”
  603. >”Quiet you!”
  604. >The girls all think for a little while.
  605. >”Girls, I think I have a solution.” Rarity says.
  606. >”We shall do this democratically. Who here thinks that Anon has come back from the dead?”
  607. >Fluttershy raises her hoof, then lowers it after she sees that nop0ny else has put their hooves up.
  608. >The wonders of peer pressure.
  609. >”And who here thinks he’s a figment of our imagination?”
  610. >Four hooves point to the sky.
  611. >A fifth yellow one quickly joins them after a slight hesitation.
  612. “Don’t I get a say in this?”
  613. >”Nope! Sorry to say, Anon, but you’re dead.”
  614. >Words cannot express how unimpressed you are to hear that.
  615. >”Ahm sorry, Twilight, but you’ve been under a lot of stress recently. We all have. You just have to ignore him and accept that he’s dead. If you do, he’ll soon go away.”
  616. >”That’s right, dear. It may be hard to accept, but accept it you must.”
  617. >The mares file out past you one by one.
  618. >Pinkie stops to give you one last hug.
  619. >Fluttershy stops to get a deep whiff of your crotch.
  620. >You push her along.
  621. >Only Twilight is left in her room.
  622. “Twilight, look...”
  623. >”Ah! Nope! I’m not listening! You’re a hallucination!”
  624. “Twilight, I’m not-“
  625. >”LALALALALALALALA!”
  626. >Oh for goodness’ sake...
  627. >Fine. If she wants to be that way, let her.
  628. >You’re going home.
  629. >You march downstairs.
  630. >”See you, Anon!”
  631. “See you, Spike.”
  632. >At least there’s one sane dragon in this town.
  633.  
  634. >Day Dawn of the Dead in Equestria.
  635. >You wake up to the sound of your front door opening.
  636. >That’s never a good sign.
  637. >You put on some clothes and rush downstairs.
  638. >Yellowquiet is in your house, rummaging around your stuff.
  639. >She stops at your sofa.
  640. >”Oh, and this is where he used to sit and play video games...” She mutters to herself.
  641. >She sighs wistfully and takes a big sniff of your sofa cushion.
  642. >You don’t think you’ll understand that mare’s obsession with your smell.
  643. “Fluttershy, what are you doing? Get the hell out of my house!”
  644. >She ignores you.
  645. >She continues to inspect your possessions and say some glib comment like she knew you.
  646. >She looks at a floorboard.
  647. >”And this is where he kept his porn DVDs... *sigh*”
  648. >What the...?
  649. >She’s not supposed to know about them!
  650. >You have to put a stop to this now.
  651. >You stride over to her and pick her up.
  652. >She yelps, but doesn’t otherwise react to your presence.
  653. >You throw her out of your front door just like old times.
  654. >You make sure to put the deadlock on this time.
  655. >But then you hear a commotion coming from upstairs.
  656. “Not again...”
  657. >You run upstairs to your bedroom to see Fluttershy with her head in your laundry hamper.
  658. >”It still smells like him... *sob*”
  659. >She’s really torn up about your death...
  660. >Wait, you’re not dead!
  661. “Goddammit, Fluttershy! I’m not dead! I’m right here.”
  662. >You lift her out of your dirty laundry.
  663. >She has a pair of your pants on her head.
  664. >She’s breathing deeply, taking in your lingering scent.
  665. “Give me those!”
  666. >You drop her unceremoniously on her rump.
  667. >She yelps again.
  668. >You snatch the pants off her head.
  669. >She looks at you as if she’s just seen a ghost.
  670. >”F-floating pants! IT MUST BE A POLTERGEIST! AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHH!”
  671. >She takes off like a rocket out of your window.
  672. >At least she’s out of your life for now.
  673. >Later that day you turn up for work at Sweet Apple Acres.
  674. >As you approach the farmhouse Granny Smith comes out to meet you.
  675. >She has a crucifix in one hoof and a bible in the other.
  676. >Do p0nies even have Christianity here?
  677. >”Back, back foul demon!”
  678. “Whoa, Granny Smith! I’m here for work!”
  679. >”I ain’t listenin’ to none o’ your lies, sonny! You just go back from whence you came, y’hear!”
  680. “I’m not a demon! I’m a human! AND I’M NOT DEAD! I JUST WANT TO WORK!”
  681. >”Ahh... Yer silver tongue won’t work on me! Ah lost most o’ mah hearin’ long ago!”
  682. “Oh for christ’s sake...”
  683. >”See! Yer takin’ the lord’s name in vain! Heathen! Devil! Phantasm!”
  684. “Go get Applejack, will you? She’s my employer, not you!”
  685. >”Ah might not be your employer, but yew can consider your contract terminated! Heh... Terminated... Ah make myself laugh sometimes...”
  686. “What, why?!”
  687. >”Cuz yer a wonderin’ spirit! A ghost! An’ we don’t take kindly to folk who ain’t quite all there. We once took that gray mailmare on. We damn near lost half our harvest that year!”
  688. “Just because I’m a ghost doesn’t mean I’m retarded! Oh goddammit, you’ve got me saying it! Just go get Applejack!”
  689. >”Over mah dead body! Yew ain’t takin’ one more step closer to this house! If’n you do, ghost or not, Ah’ll set Big Mac on ya!”
  690. >For fuck’s sake, these p0nies are stubborn.
  691. >You give up trying to get to the farm.
  692. >As of today you are officially unemployed.
  693. >Day Day of the Dead is a bad sequel in Equestria.
  694. >Now that you don’t have a job to go to, you decide to sleep in.
  695. >It’s nice lying in your bed, not having to worry about work.
  696. >But you are worried about everyone thinking you’re dead.
  697. >But for now you’re wrapped in your warm duvet, surrounded by its lovely softness.
  698. >The sun shines on the back of your head, and your dick is being sucked.
  699. >Wait, what was that last part?
  700. >You throw off the covers to find Fluttershy in your bed.
  701. >She’s giving you a sloppy blowjob.
  702. >There’s p0ny slobber everywhere.
  703. “FLUTTERSHY WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!”
  704. >She lets you go with a *pop*.
  705. >”Ghost blowjob! Woo!”
  706. “That’s not how you do it... ARRRRRRRRGH YOU DAMN PONIES! YOU’RE DRIVING ME INSANE!”
  707. >”But I thought this would appease your spirit so you could move on...”
  708. “What? You think I’m lingering behind just so I can fuck you?”
  709. >”W-well...”
  710. “What am I even saying? I’M NOT DEAD!”
  711. >You get out of bed and stomp over to your window.
  712. >You pick up Fluttershy and throw her out of it.
  713. >You make sure to securely lock the window and head downstairs for breakfast.
  714. >You’re surprised to find that there’s practically nothing in the cupboards.
  715. >Looks like you’ll have to head out into town.
  716. >You restart your day with a proper routine and soon you’re ready to go.
  717. >You’ve still got some bits saved up.
  718. >You’ll have to make them last until you can find some more work.
  719. >Maybe at the cemetery?
  720. >You head out into town.
  721. >The town square is bustling with activity.
  722. >Carts line the streets, forming the bulk of the trade district.
  723. >You walk up to the lettuce cart.
  724. “Hi, I’ll take 2 lettuces please.”
  725. >The p0ny manning the cart smiles at you initially, then actually looks at you.
  726. >Their eyes shink to pinpricks and all the colour drains from their face.
  727. >”You’re a... g-g-g-ghost!”
  728. >This alerts everybody in the area to your presence.
  729. > Hundreds of eyes study you for a second...
  730. >Then pandemonium breaks loose.
  731. >”A G-G-G-GHOST! AHHHHH!”
  732. >They all have the same response, oddly enough.
  733. >Hearing that line screamed in perfect harmony made your brain ache.
  734. >You’re not dead, goddammit!
  735. >But the p0nies are too busy panicking to pay any attention to that.
  736. >They run to and fro, some with their eyes completely shut.
  737. >How are they meant to escape with that kind of behaviour?
  738. >Instead they just run and knock over everything!
  739. >Carts get smashed, and everything gets trampled.
  740. >You facepalm and stand to one side.
  741. >Their frantic running eventually leads them all out of the town square and into the surrounding shops and houses.
  742. >This must be what Zecora feels like.
  743. >Now that you have some peace and quiet, you peruse the wreckage for your groceries.
  744. >You salvage what you can from the smashed foodstuffs.
  745. >And you leave the appropriate number of bits next to each stall.
  746. >You may be a ghost, but you’re not a thief.
  747. >...
  748. >You know what you mean.
  749. >Now that you’re all stocked up, you go home.
  750. >You may not be able to come in town very often if that keeps happening, so you’re glad you got plenty today.
  751. >This is starting to become an annoyance...
  752. >Day Dawn of the Dead (The shitty remake) in Equestria.
  753. >Today was a pretty decent day for the most part.
  754. >For the first time in a long time you weren’t accosted by Fluttershy this morning.
  755. >It felt so good to not have to deal with her antics.
  756. >You’re still unemployed though, so you don’t really have much to do.
  757. >You laze around the house, playing vidya and looking at 4chan on your magical computer.
  758. >That is, until the afternoon.
  759. >The presence of other souls is brought to your attention by a loud mare’s voice.
  760. >”Now, everyp0ny, remember; this house is haunted! Don’t touch the ghost’s stuff or he may become a vengeful spirit!”
  761. >What on earth are they talking about?
  762. >You leap over to your window and peek out of a curtain.
  763. >A minty green mare leads a gaggle of p0nies of all ages outside your house.
  764. >Some of them are eating your prized petunias!
  765. >She turns to face your front door.
  766. >She’s not planning on coming in, is she?
  767. >QUICK HIDE THE PORN!
  768. >You roll over to the door and put the deadlock on.
  769. >Then in a leap and a bound you reach your computer and quickly switch it off.
  770. >You’ve accepted that if p0nies are going to come into your house, you can’t really stop them all that well.
  771. >You might as well try to keep up appearances instead.
  772. >You wait at the window and look at Lyra again.
  773. >She seems frustrated that the key she has isn’t working.
  774. >Who gave her that key?!
  775. >You bet Fluttershy is behind this...
  776. >Lyra starts jiggling the key in the lock, dumbfounded, then gets a look of revelation on her face.
  777. >You look to your front door to see some yellow magic slide the deadbolt out of its place.
  778. >Shit, she realised.
  779. >Well, here she comes.
  780. >The door opens up, and Lyra walks into your house uninvited.
  781. >You simply wait where you are and observe.
  782. >Hopefully you can resolve this situation without violence.
  783. >Once everyp0ny is inside your house she shuts the door.
  784. >”Welcome, everyp0ny to the human ghooooooost walk! WoooOOOooo!”
  785. >She raises her front legs menacingly, especially for a filly in the front, who clings to her mother’s leg.
  786. >”Remember, keep all your hooves to yourself, and watch out for any spooOOky activity! You never know what might happen on these tours!”
  787. >Honestly, what could happen?
  788. >”Now, as you may well know, this is where Anon, the sole human in Equestria lived while he was still alive.”
  789. “I STILL AM!”
  790. >Only one little colt whirls round at the sound of his voice.
  791. >His eyes go wide at the sight of you, but he doesn’t say anything.
  792. >Lyra continues her speech.
  793. >”But once he was hanged p0nies started claiming to see his spirit, tied to this world with dissatisfaction!”
  794. >This might take a while.
  795. >You walk into your kitchen for a drink.
  796. >You get yourself a nice glass of orange juice.
  797. >”And p0nies say that if you listen carefully you can still hear his screams of anguish echoing in these halls...”
  798. >You look out the window.
  799. >Some dopey looking colt is helping himself to your chrysanthemums!
  800. >You do a spit-take.
  801. “AAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGH! ”
  802. >”Ooh! Miss Lyra! I think I heard him!”
  803. >”Very good, little filly! Maybe you have extra sensory perception!”
  804. “ARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGH!”
  805. >”Now, let’s take the tour to our first stop.”
  806. >The look at your xbox.
  807. >”We have it from first hand witnesses,”
  808. >Fluttershy, most probably...
  809. >”That this is where the human spent the majority of his time. We don’t know what he was doing, but it’s clear that it had great importance to him.”
  810. >A mouthy looking mare picks up your controller.
  811. >”What’s this thing?”
  812. >She mashes her hoof on the buttons.
  813. >You watch the prompt on the screen change rapidly as she keeps hitting random buttons.
  814. “Put that down!”
  815. >”We don’t quite know. It’s alien technology that nop0ny knows how to use! All we know is that only humans with hands can use it.”
  816. >You stalk over to her as she continues to hammer buttons to her heart’s content.
  817. “I said put that down!”
  818. >You slap the controller out of her hooves.
  819. >She’s legitimately shocked.
  820. >”Ahh! I felt something touch me!”
  821. >”Well that’d be the ghost! He doesn’t like p0nies touching his stuff! You’d do well to remember that, everyp0ny! Let’s move on.”
  822. >The p0nies shuffle over the stairs and start ascending.
  823. >You look at the TV to assess what damage has been done.
  824. >”Hard drive reformat successful.”
  825. “SON OF A BITCH!”
  826. >”Ooh, I heard him again!”
  827. >”Of course you did, honey.”
  828. >You storm upstairs after the p0nies.
  829. >You hear talking coming from your bathroom.
  830. >You walk over to it.
  831. >”So all we know is that this is another place of major importance for humans, where they spent a lot of their time too.”
  832. >”What’s this thing for?”
  833. >A stallion points at your western style toilet.
  834. >The p0nies generally didn’t use your style of toilet.
  835. >It was a little too impractical for them.
  836. >They mainly just went either wherever they pleased, or in a hole in the ground somewhere.
  837. >It’s a good thing their shit smells like roses.
  838. >No, really, it does.
  839. >”Well from what we can determine, this room is a shrine of some sort. It’s filled with pleasant smelling objects, and is kept meticulously clean.”
  840. >Hey, just because you have some house pride doesn’t mean you worship some kind of bathroom god!
  841. >” That thing seems to be a table or altar of some kind. As you can see on top of it, there is paper for his daily rituals, and an offering of dried fragrant petals. We can only imagine what kind of human gods he worshipped. If only he were still around, we could learn so much from him...”
  842. >A colt climbs on your toilet lid and sniffs your pot pourri.
  843. >Then he starts munching on it.
  844. “Get down from there! Stop that!”
  845. >You lift the colt away from the bowl of perfume.
  846. >”AAAAAAH! IT’S GOT ME! I’M FLYING!”
  847. “Oh for pete’s sake...”
  848. >You drop the colt.
  849. >He goes running to his mother.
  850. >You don’t really want to scare these p0nies, but you can’t have them wrecking your stuff.
  851. >”Wow, the ghost seems to be really active today... Let’s move on, shall we?”
  852. >You really hope this isn’t going where you think this is going.
  853. >Lyra leads the p0nies to your bedroom.
  854. “Oh no you don’t!”
  855. >You push through the crowd and reach your bedroom door before Lyra.
  856. >You stand with your arms spread.
  857. “You’re not getting in here!”
  858. >She keeps walking and bumps into your crotch.
  859. >She cocks her head from side to side trying to gain access to your door.
  860. >You wiggle your hips to block her.
  861. >”Well I’m sorry, everyp0ny. It seems the ghost is being uncooperative today. We can’t see his sleeping chamber.”
  862. >They all groan with disappointment.
  863. >”But I can tell you some things about it! From our resident human expert in P0nyville, we know that his sleeping habits were regular, going to bed at around 11pm-1am and waking up at 7:30 when-“
  864. >You clasp a hand over her mouth.
  865. >Now you know it’s Fluttershy.
  866. >But you don’t want everyp0ny to know your sleeping habits.
  867. >They might come and bother you.
  868. >Or worse, try to watch you.
  869. >You don’t need any more potential stalkers, thank you.
  870. >You let Lyra go.
  871. >”Well it seems the ghost doesn’t want me to tell you about that either. Just know this: The bedroom also doubled as a semen depository, and thanks to the tireless efforts of our human expert, we have a sample from which we can clone Anon!”
  872. >What?!
  873. >The p0nies all cheer.
  874. >You’re unable to share in their excitement.
  875. >”And that concludes our tour! I hope you enjoyed it! Come back to experience the frightening mystery of the haunted human house any time! We uncover more and more secrets every day!”
  876. >What? This isn’t a one time thing?
  877. >You groan audibly.
  878. >The p0nies all shuffle downstairs and file out your door one by one.
  879. >All except for three.
  880. >That little colt that saw you earlier is sitting on the floor in your living room staring at you.
  881. >A bald p0ny stands next to him. Presumably his father.
  882. >”Daddy...” He says.
  883. >”Yes, son?”
  884. >”I see dead people.”
  885. >”Don’t worry, son. There’s no such thing as ‘people.’”
  886. >The colt has his hair ruffled by his father and walks out the door.
  887. >The bald p0ny walks through the wall.
  888. >What a tweest!
  889. >Lyra is the last to leave.
  890. “Hey, Lyra! If you’re gonna use my house like this, I should get a cut, right?”
  891. >She ignores you and keeps on walking.
  892. “Right?”
  893. >She shuts the door.
  894. >Goddammit.
  895. >You walk to the fridge and pull out a carton of orange juice.
  896. >Then you put it back and crack out the hard cider instead.
  897. “Confound those p0nies... They drive me to drink!”
  898. >Later that evening you wake up from your alcohol induced coma.
  899. >You can hear chanting.
  900. >You’re pretty sure you didn’t leave your stereo on, so you wonder what it could be.
  901. >You pick yourself up off the couch and look around.
  902. >It’s dark – almost pitch black.
  903. >A single solitary candle illuminates three faces huddled around one of your tables.
  904. >You can see Twilight, Fluttershy and Rainbow Dash sitting with their hooves connected.
  905. >”Ok, everyp0ny. Focus really hard on Anon. We have to all be thinking about him for this to work.” Twilight says.
  906. >You get up and walk over to them.
  907. >They close their eyes in a meditative state and sway back and forth.
  908. >Some incense has been lit next to a... Ouija board?!
  909. >They’re trying to contact you.
  910. >They have a glass on the board and everything.
  911. >You facepalm.
  912. >It really stings this time.
  913. >Perhaps because you’re doing it so often.
  914. >”Souls of the recently departed... Come to our aid! Help us contact one named Anon...”
  915. >This is all a bunch of hooey.
  916. >Magic and dragons may be one thing.
  917. >But contacting the dead? Ridiculous!
  918. >The three mares stop their chanting and sit up straight suddenly.
  919. >They’re all perfectly synchronised.
  920. >”We call you forth, Anon... Knock the table if you are here.”
  921. >Silence.
  922. >”Knock the table if you are here...”
  923. >Twilight opens an eye and looks at you.
  924. >You’re looking at her with such disappointment on your face that it could burn a hole in her forehead.
  925. >”Anon!”
  926. “What?!”
  927. >”You’re doing it wrong!”
  928. “FINE, JEEZ!”
  929. >You knock the table.
  930. >”If you are the spirit named Anon, knock twice...”
  931. >Knock Knock.
  932. >”We want to talk to you, Anon! Will you answer our questions? Knock once for yes, twice for no...”
  933. “I’m right here, Twilight! You can talk to me normally!”
  934. >Silence.
  935. >You sigh.
  936. >Knock.
  937. >”Thank you, Anon... Now, girls. Place your hooves on the glass and go where Anon takes us.”
  938. >The three mares all lay their hooves on one of your upturned tumblers.
  939. >”Now, Anon. Do you promise to answer our questions truthfully?”
  940. >You cross your arms in protest.
  941. >The glass doesn’t move.
  942. >”Anon, are you there?”
  943. >You sigh once more.
  944. >You’re not going to get these mares out of your house until they’re satisfied.
  945. >You place your hand on the glass and move it to “Yes.”
  946. >”Ah! His spirit has returned! Remember, girls: Don’t influence the glass. Just let Anon take it to what he wants to say. You may now ask him questions.”
  947. >”Anon... Are you really dead?” Fluttershy asks.
  948. ’No.’
  949. >”Oh, that poor soul! He’s so confused he doesn’t know that he should move on! I read about it when I was studying for this.”
  950. >Oh for crying out loud...
  951. >”Why do you linger, Anon?” Fluttershy asks.
  952. ’Because I’m not dead.’
  953. >”Oh, but Anon... You are!”
  954. “No, seriously. I’m not.”
  955. >”Shh! You’re wrecking it!” Twilight scolds.
  956. >”I bet he’s still around because of an unrequited love!”
  957. >Rainbow Dash, who has been pretty subdued this whole time perks up at the mention of this.
  958. >”Could... Could that really be the reason...?”
  959. >”Oh yes! I read about that too!” Twilight says matter-of-factly.
  960. >”T-then... I have a question.”
  961. >”Shoot.”
  962. >”Did Anon love me...?”
  963. >You quickly move the glass to ‘yes’.
  964. >You knock on the table too to express how much you mean it.
  965. >And... You go and hug her.
  966. >She starts to cry.
  967. >”It’s... It’s like he’s still here, you know...? *sniff* I miss him so much...”
  968. >You stroke her mane like you used to.
  969. >You can smell her fresh rain scent.
  970. >It pains you to see her ignore you.
  971. >”I... I know, Rainbow. It’s been hard on all of us.”
  972. >The mares all look downcast together.
  973. >If only they weren’t so stubborn...
  974. >None of this would be happening.
  975. >Fluttershy suddenly pipes up.
  976. >”Ooh! I have another question! What was your fetish?”
  977. >Really?
  978. >REALLY?
  979. >She has the opportunity to speak with someone beyond the grave, and THIS is what she uses it for?
  980. >You knock twice on the table to express your displeasure.
  981. >”Whoa, better ask another question, Fluttershy! He’s getting mad!”
  982. >”O-oh! Okay! Did you love me?”
  983. >Oh, now this one you can answer.
  984. >You place your hand on the glass once more.
  985. >You try sliding the glass to ‘no,’ but it won’t budge!
  986. >Instead it very slowly slides to ‘yes.’
  987. “Fluttershy...”
  988. >She looks straight at you and grins.
  989. >You use both hands to grip the glass.
  990. >You are unable to change its course.
  991. >You brace your legs on the table to get some more grip.
  992. >It does nothing.
  993. >How is this happening?!
  994. >THIS SHOULDN’T BE THIS HARD!
  995. >They only have hooves! Slippery hooves!
  996. >You have hands for god’s sake!
  997. >The glass inches ever closer to ‘yes.’
  998. >You try with all your might to stop it.
  999. >It’s inches away now.
  1000. >You lose your grip and fly off the table.
  1001. >You land on your back.
  1002. >You’ve imbalanced the table though.
  1003. >You use this new vantage point from the floor to kick the table.
  1004. >The table flips.
  1005. >”Uh-oh, girls! It looks like Anon’s spirit has become malevolent! Run away!”
  1006. >Fluttershy and Twilight sprint out of your front door.
  1007. >Rainbow follows, but hesitates for a second, looking back at you.
  1008. >Then she flies off into the night.
  1009. >You look sadly at the table.
  1010. >You never asked for this.
  1011. >Maybe it would have been simpler if you did get hanged...
  1012. >Day Shawn of the Dead in Equestria.
  1013. >It’s been about a week since you last saw the girls.
  1014. >You’ve kept mostly to yourself in your house.
  1015. >It’s pretty boring without a reason to go out.
  1016. >You just sit in front of your computer, writing stories about small horses trying to rape humans.
  1017. >It’s kind of therapeutic.
  1018. >And to be honest, you’re starting to miss the girls...
  1019. >Being deceased is hard.
  1020. >You wonder over to the fridge once more with nothing really in mind.
  1021. >It’s more of a cycle that you’ve gotten yourself into.
  1022. >Eat, sleep, computer.
  1023. >It’s just what you do now.
  1024. >You’re looking for snacks when suddenly your front door bursts open.
  1025. >A grizzled old brown earth pony stands defiantly in your doorway.
  1026. >He wears a black fedora and a vicar’s collar.
  1027. >”Come out, foul demon! I have come to banish you!”
  1028. >Oh no...
  1029. >This can’t be happening...
  1030. “Nope! I’ve had enough of you crazy p0nies.”
  1031. >You stride over to pick him up and treat him like Fluttershy.
  1032. >He starts swinging around a bottle of holy water.
  1033. >Some of it splashes in your eyes.
  1034. >Oh god, it burns!
  1035. >You’re pretty sure you’re not evil, but that stuff stings like a bitch anyway!
  1036. >You stagger backwards, rubbing your eyes.
  1037. >He takes this opportunity to buck you in the stomach.
  1038. >You fall backwards.
  1039. >You land flat on your ass, still dealing with your burning eyes.
  1040. >The priest pony leaps on top of your flailing torso and pins you by your shoulders.
  1041. “God-FUCKING-Dammit! What the hell do you think you’re doing you cockmuncher?”
  1042. >”Just listen to that filthy language! He’s surely a demon of some sort! Prepare the ritual!”
  1043. >At this point you look through bleary eyes beyond your assailant.
  1044. >Some other religious p0nies are bringing in various paraphernalia.
  1045. >There’s a statue of Celestia and some censers.
  1046. >The censers are burning some kind of hay based incense.
  1047. >It absolutely stinks!
  1048. “Will you guys fucking stop that! Get the hell out of my house!”
  1049. >You try struggling with the priest p0ny.
  1050. >He doesn’t budge an inch.
  1051. >”THE POWER OF CELESTIA COMPELS YOU! THE POWER OF CELESTIA COMPELS YOU!”
  1052. >He sprinkles holy water and spittle on your face as he shouts at you from point blank range.
  1053. >Oh god! Some of it got in your mouth!
  1054. >It’s super salty!
  1055. >You feel like you’re going to be sick!
  1056. >The priest sees the queasy look on your face and gets up off you.
  1057. >He backs up slightly, clearly worried by this turn of events.
  1058. >You sit up suddenly and projectile vomit all over him.
  1059. >Serves him right for breaking into your house and doing weird shit!
  1060. >He’s covered in bright green puke from mane to hoof.
  1061. >”It’ll take a lot more than that to get rid of me, sonny!”
  1062. >He charges you again.
  1063. >This time you’re not going to take his shit.
  1064. >You lash out with a leg and hit him square in the jaw.
  1065. >”Mother have mercy!”
  1066. “Your mother sucks cocks in hell!”
  1067. >What is it with these crazy p0nies coming after you, and you alone?
  1068. >It’s really starting to rustle your jimmies.
  1069. >The priest p0ny reels backwards from your hit.
  1070. >You stand up and dust yourself off.
  1071. “Would you kindly remove yourselves from my property. I’m starting to get angry now.”
  1072. >On cue the entire house shakes.
  1073. >It’s like a small localised earthquake.
  1074. >You determine that you’ve finally mastered the power of rustled jimmies.
  1075. >With your newly found ability to control the rumbling of other peoples’ jeremies, you turn to walk to the kitchen.
  1076. >You need to wash the taste out of your mouth.
  1077. >As you turn, one of the lesser p0nies chases you with a crucifix.
  1078. >”The power of Celestia compels you! The power of Celestia compe-“
  1079. >He walks past your basement door under the stairs and is cut off by an inky black smoke which engulfs him whole.
  1080. >It drags him down into the pitch black depths of the earth.
  1081. >You pour yourself a glass of water and turn around.
  1082. “I’m sorry, did you say something?”
  1083. >The other p0nies are simply staring at you in absolute horror.
  1084. >They’re shocked by your new powers, obviously.
  1085. >Maybe you should go easy on the rustling.
  1086. “Look, just leave and we can forget about this whole thing.”
  1087. >You take a sip of water.
  1088. >Ah, that’s the stuff.
  1089. >The priest p0ny shakes his head and regains his senses.
  1090. >He turns to his entourage.
  1091. >”Get the book and candles. Now.”
  1092. >He’s awfully serious all of a sudden.
  1093. >Well, he looked rather sullen before, but now he’s galvanized to do something.
  1094. >His helper p0ny comes back and sets up four candles outside your basement door.
  1095. >Wait, you have a basement door?
  1096. >You have a basement?!
  1097. >He lights the candles and places the book in the middle.
  1098. >He opens the book to a premarked page and starts reading.
  1099. >”And Celestia looked down upon the land and said, ‘Let there be light!’ and she made the Sun. And Luna looked down upon the land and said, ‘Let there be darkness!’ and she made the Moon. And by their light is the land governed and purified. By the power of the light and darkness, I banish you from this place!”
  1100. >A bestial roar emanates from your basement.
  1101. >It rumbles the house from top to bottom, down to the very foundations.
  1102. >So that’s why you don’t go down there...
  1103. >”BY THE LIGHT OF THE SUN, I PURIFY THIS HOUSE! YOU ARE NOT WELCOME HERE! LEAVE THIS PLACE!”
  1104. >An eerie wind picks up around the priest, making the candle flames flicker madly.
  1105. >The basement door flies open, revealing a horrid black cloud of smoke which takes the form of a demonic face.
  1106. >The wind reaches deafening speeds, but the priest keeps shouting his words.
  1107. >”BY THE LIGHT OF THE MOON, I PURIFY THIS HOUSE! YOU ARE NOT WELCOME HERE! LEAVE! THIS! PLACE!”
  1108. >The cloud roars once more, but it is his death rattle.
  1109. >It does not carry the threatening tone that it once did.
  1110. >The cloud claws out at the priest, leaving a gash on his cheek, but recedes to his lair in the basement.
  1111. >All of a sudden the candles burn brighter, almost to a blinding level.
  1112. >The cloud shrieks and loses its form.
  1113. >It disperses, breaking into smaller pieces before disappearing entirely.
  1114. >So it turns out you really DID have a malevolent spirit haunting your house.
  1115. >Who would have thunk it?
  1116. >You peer into the basement.
  1117. >The p0ny who got snatched is sitting safe and sound down there, even if he is a little shaken.
  1118. >The helper p0nies file in and pick him up.
  1119. >They grab their stuff and file out of your house.
  1120. >The priest p0ny is the last to leave.
  1121. >”I’m sorry, son. It seems we got the wrong guy. You’re alright. Sorry about your door.”
  1122. >He tips his hat to you.
  1123. >Some more puke slides off.
  1124. >You’re going to have to clean that up.
  1125. >He walks out of your house.
  1126. >You’re still pissed off.
  1127. >You start to run after him.
  1128. >You let out a warcry.
  1129. >He turns around just in time to see your foot connect with his ballsack.
  1130. >The force of your kick lifts him off his back hooves.
  1131. >It all happens in slow motion.
  1132. >His eyes cross from the pain.
  1133. >He lets out a yelp.
  1134. >And then time speeds up again.
  1135. >And he’s flying through the sky.
  1136. >You shade your eyes with a hand as you track his vision into the bright sky.
  1137. >He disappears over the horizon with a twinkle.
  1138. >All that time practicing on Fluttershy really paid off.
  1139. >You go back inside your house and shut the door as best you can.
  1140. >You never did like getting calls from religious types.
  1141. >You walk over to the fridge.
  1142. >Your delicious, life-giving fridge.
  1143. >You take out a jug of cider.
  1144. >Your last one.
  1145. >After the shenanigans you were subjected to today, you think you’re going to need it.
  1146.  
  1147. >You wake up from another bout of passing out.
  1148. >Say what you want about how inbred the apples are, their cider is unmatched.
  1149. >Well, perhaps their moonshine would surpass it, but you value your liver to some extent.
  1150. >This time you wake up to a pleasant sensation next to you.
  1151. >It’s fuzzy and feathery and...
  1152. >You open your eyes.
  1153. >Blue?
  1154. >Rainbow Dash is snuggled up next to you on the sofa where you passed out.
  1155. >The feeling of having her so close to you...
  1156. >It’s something you missed.
  1157. >You look around, trying to restrain your movements so as not to disturb your snuggle partner.
  1158. >The rest of the mane six are setting up something on your table again.
  1159. >”You sure this’ll work, Twah?”
  1160. >”It should. The book we found was very specific.”
  1161. >”I’m afraid I’m still confused about all of this... Rainbow seems to be snuggling with him just fine... Maybe he’s really not dead?”
  1162. >”Now, don’t start that again, miss prissy pants. This’ll make sure that regardless of whether we’re right or wrong, we’ll get him back.”
  1163. >You hook a forearm under Dash’s forelegs and get up from the sofa.
  1164. >She stays asleep.
  1165. >You turn to the meddling mares.
  1166. “What’s going on here?”
  1167. >The mares jump at your sudden question.
  1168. >Rainbow Dash stirs in your arms and tries to snuggle to your chest.
  1169. >”Why howdy, sugarcube! We just-“
  1170. “Why are you talking to me? I thought I was just a hallucination.” You cut Applejack off.
  1171. >”Now, darling, just hold on a second. We discussed it with the local hospital, and they said that democratic vote isn’t a valid way to discern whether someone is living or dead.”
  1172. >”Y-yeah... So we’re sorry...” Fluttershy says.
  1173. >Well it’s about time that you got an apology.
  1174. “Apology accepted. So what are you doing?”
  1175. >”Well, you see, we couldn’t determine whether you were living or dead, so we decided to play it safe! Fluttershy found a book in another hidden compartment in the library, and we went on a quest to find a relic that can bring you back!”
  1176. >You’d facepalm, but you’d end up waking Dash.
  1177. >You settle for a groan instead.
  1178. “Girls, you’re talking to me. Dead men don’t talk. I’m alive! Just accept it already!”
  1179. >”But we don’t have to! You see, this is just a safety net. If you just happened to be dead and not realise it, this’ll resurrect you!”
  1180. >You don’t see this ending well.
  1181. “No, look, just-“
  1182. >You don’t manage to get out any more before Twilight fires her horn at a very ominous looking statue on your table.
  1183. >It’s a tiny obsidian p0ny skull with rubies for eyes.
  1184. >The red jewels glow with an otherworldly light as Twilight infuses the statue with her magic.
  1185. >Yet again the structural integrity of your house is tested as the earth shakes violently.
  1186. >Everyp0ny sways as they struggle to keep on their feet.
  1187. >Rainbow Dash wakes up.
  1188. >”*snort* Huh? Wha? Oh, Twilight! What did you do?!”
  1189. >You let Dash go as she takes to the air to avoid the rumbling.
  1190. >Pinkie giggles and vibrates past you.
  1191. >Fluttershy is hovering and smiling broadly.
  1192. >Applejack and Rarity are hugging each other for dear life.
  1193. >Any port in a storm, eh?
  1194. >Twilight struggles and strains, keeping her focus on the spell.
  1195. >The idol’s mouth opens and a howling scream echoes from some unknown location.
  1196. >Then all of a sudden...
  1197. >It stops.
  1198. >The statue’s mouth closes again.
  1199. >Everyp0ny looks around.
  1200. >Rarity and Applejack push each other away with perhaps a little more force than is necessary.
  1201. >”See, Anon? Nothing happened! You’re officially alive!”
  1202. “You really needed to give us a change of pants to prove that?!”
  1203. >”Ah, quit your bellyachin’! At least ya proved it, didn’cha?”
  1204. >Applejack, Rarity, Twilight and Pinkie Pie exit your house.
  1205. >Rainbow Dash floats over to you and gives you a big hug.
  1206. >”I... I missed you so much...”
  1207. “I missed you too, bro.”
  1208. >”Don’t call me that...”
  1209. >She looks deeply in your eyes...
  1210. >You tilt your heads.
  1211. >You get ready to lock lips...
  1212. >When you’re attacked by behind by what smells like a zoo.
  1213. >”ANON! I’m so glad you’re back! Now I can test if hanging really is your fetish!”
  1214. >Will the universe ever stop giving you such wonderful gifts in your life?
  1215. “Oh, joy.”
  1216. >Rainbow Dash lets go of her hug and pulls back a foreleg.
  1217. >She throws a mean punch right to Fluttershy’s jaw.
  1218. >It connects hard.
  1219. >Fluttershy goes spinning through the air and hits a wall.
  1220. >She’s out cold.
  1221. >Good riddance.
  1222. >”Now where were we...”
  1223. >You’re about to kiss again when Dash gets flung away from you by an unseen force.
  1224. >You rush over to her to make sure she’s ok, then look around for the source of the disturbance.
  1225. >In the corner of your room a skeletal p0ny stands with a scythe.
  1226. >He beckons you towards him.
  1227. >Oh man.
  1228. >You really did die.
  1229. >Shit.
  1230. >”Anon?” He bellows.
  1231. “Uh... Yeah. That’s me...”
  1232. >”Sorry I’m late. I had a bit of cleanup to do at somep0ny’s shed. Terrible affair. Corpses lining the walls, would you believe?”
  1233. “Um... N-no...”
  1234. >He places a bony hoof to his chin and contemplates something.
  1235. >”Hmm... That’s odd... I’ve been scheduled for a resurrection for you, but you’re already alive.”
  1236. “I KNOW, RIGHT? I’ve been telling these mares for the past week that I’m alive, but they went ahead and did some ritual anyway.”
  1237. >”Hmph. Irresponsible p0nies... Well, I’m afraid I’m contractually obliged to do a revival, so...”
  1238. >Wait, what?
  1239. >”It’s right here in the contract if you’d like to look at it.”
  1240. >He holds a hoof up and a scroll appears on it.
  1241. >You take it and read it.
  1242. >It reads:
  1243. “No refunds.”
  1244. >And then you heard his scythe slicing through the air.
  1245.  
  1246. >Day brains in Equestria.
  1247. >You wake up feeling awful.
  1248. >Your head is killing you.
  1249. >Your body aches all over, and you feel really lethargic.
  1250. >You shuffle your way into the bathroom to start your morning routine.
  1251. >You look at yourself in the mirror.
  1252. >Your flesh is looking a little more green than usual.
  1253. >And a little more necrotic.
  1254. >It takes you a second to realise.
  1255. >But you’re a goddamn ZOMBIE.
  1256. “RAWR BRAINS!”
  1257. >Oh goddammit.
  1258. >Now you can’t say anything but ‘brains’.
  1259. >Maybe you’ll infect Dashie when you see her.
  1260. >Then the two of you can be a lovely zombie couple together.
  1261. >You stagger downstairs.
  1262. >Fluttershy is still passed out slumped against your wall.
  1263. >She has inadvertently brought about the zombie apocalypse with her actions.
  1264. >Well - you know what you’re having for breakfast.

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