GREEN   178   0
   46751 259.68 KB    4061

LD Chapter 4: As Seen On Television

By AchingScaphoid
Created: 2021-07-16 21:31:33
Updated: 2021-04-28 14:37:42
Expiry: Never
twilight sparklethrillercomedyspikemysteryponies in earthhumanslong distance

  1. Part 1
  2.  
  3.  
  4.  
  5. >Day 1 +1 month +3 weeks
  6. >You are Twilight Sparkle
  7. >Your spell worked, and now you can sample human culture and society as close to firsthoof as you’re going to be allowed to
  8. >After confirming that magic can influence a human body, all you needed was the chance
  9. >Last night, you got that chance (and a reason to take it without feeling guilty)
  10. >All you needed was a willing but unaware human
  11. >Eliza didn’t fit the first criteria, and convincing her to let you do it would affect the second
  12. >You would have felt guilty if it worked on her on your first attempt, but you needed to know whether this species was at risk of killing everything on the planet
  13. >It was a matter of personal safety
  14. >So much about this species is just unfathomable
  15. >Not just how much work they’ve put into devising and constructing the most efficient ways to kill eachother, because all of that made enough sense to be compatible with what you already knew
  16. >They’re so devoid of magic that they’re practically the inverse of magic
  17. >That’s supposed to be impossible
  18. >They might as well have negative mass or a body temperature of -1 degree Coltvin
  19. >More fittingly, they may as well have a negative BPM for an average heart rate
  20. >You wouldn’t have believed this if you hadn’t been the one to discover it
  21. >Zombies are real, and you've been living with three of them for nearly two months
  22.  
  23.  
  24. >You tried your magic on the doorknob of the basement exterior door this morning, and it absolutely would not work
  25. >It’s not like you were going to go outside
  26. >You don’t want to, considering the current conditions
  27. >You don’t know how human society would react to discovering a mythological creature, and you can’t protect yourself if it turned out to be a violent reaction
  28. >Besides, the weather reports are still way too cold for late spring, seeing how you’re in an arboreal temperate area at a latitude roughly the same as Ponyville on a planet that’s equally distant from a star of the same size and photonic output
  29. >They should know that you were just testing it!
  30. >They’re innately telepathic, right?
  31. >You’re sure that at least one of them is telepathic
  32. >Curiously, Jake didn’t say anything this morning about the ‘shared eye’ spell
  33. >You were in the same room as him, thinking about how you cast it last night
  34. >You also tried thinking to yourself about how photons could be duplicated and converted into magical energy to be teleported
  35. >And a few nasty things about him just to see if you could get some sort of reaction
  36.  
  37.  
  38. >He hasn’t done anything to keep you from seeing and hearing what he experiences
  39. >He doesn’t care
  40. >Or this telepathic ability doesn’t work on specific thoughts, just abstract concepts or memories from beyond a certain threshold of time
  41. >Or he’s trying to raise your expectations so he can taunt you with how he can make it stop working any time he pleases
  42. >Is it not enough for him that humans can read your mind and control how you use your magic?
  43. >Most of the things in the house are actually only slightly harder to influence with magic than their Equestrian equivalents now that they’re letting you
  44. >But they shouldn’t have to let you
  45. >They shouldn’t have any control over this, or you, at all!
  46. >That’s like paralyzing Rainbow Dash’s wings, or atrophying Applejack’s applebucking legs, or making Rarity colorblind, all on a whim
  47. >They are taking away your defining talent just because they feel like it
  48. >And it’s only worse because your talent is magic
  49. >Having been born a unicorn, it’s doubly offensive that they’re fiddling with what makes you a unicorn
  50. >They ought to at least realize that they’re doing things that make you extremely uncomfortable
  51. >If you’re wrong (and you hope you are) then nobody should realize they have this power over you
  52. >But the evidence that you’re right is there, and you can’t ignore it
  53. >You’re going to have to err on the side of caution until you figure out what’s actually happening
  54.  
  55.  
  56. >You’ll need to keep secrets from everyone, including Spike and Celestia
  57. >The only way to be completely sure they won’t leak information is not to give them the information to begin with
  58. >Withholding important information is essentially lying
  59. >Rocks and hard places abound
  60. >You’ve done one thing that you were going to be ashamed of, which means that you have to do another
  61. >You would have felt some guilt about casting a spying enchantment on Jake
  62. >But you’re not ashamed of that because it seems like he was already spying on you
  63. >Confirm that Eliza is doing the same, and you’ve got your original target while keeping a relatively clean conscience
  64. >You’re still angry that Jake made a Pinkie Promise to be honest but he’s still not telling you facts of an “ought-to-be-told-as-soon-as-you-arrive” level of importance
  65. >Maybe telepathy is normal here
  66. >He might have thought you already knew because he knew
  67. >It’s possible that humans going digging around in each others’ heads all the time without any social repercussions
  68. >A society without any secrecy?
  69. >Subjectively speaking, that’s messed up
  70. >Everyone is entitled to personal secrets
  71. >It would be sociologically interesting if you didn’t find it so creepy
  72. >It doesn’t help that they’re supposed to be biologically incapable of sustained bodily function due to magic deficiency
  73. >You almost killed yourself from magic deficiency
  74. >Humans are BEYOND dead by conventional medicine's standards
  75. >Celestia, this place is weird
  76.  
  77.  
  78. >You’re essentially living amongst corpses that aren’t behaving as if they are dead
  79. >These mind-reading, magic-hijacking zombie apes might have a layer of social interaction that you never noticed because it was imperceptible to you
  80. >You’re going to stay silent about it for now
  81. >Jake hinted at it rather obliquely, so maybe if you wait he’ll do something more obvious
  82. >You’re angry at him for doing it, but at least he had the courtesy to let you know what was happening
  83. >Or he slipped up when he didn’t want you to know in the first place
  84. >If he’s really telepathic, he may realize that you don’t like what he’s doing and stop of his own accord, hopefully avoiding a confrontation
  85. >Or he’s just going to be confused about how you don’t want him to do something that he would think is normal
  86. >You haven’t been watching long enough to get a real handle on what aspects of human interaction are different
  87. >You're still nearly clueless about their culture
  88. >And that's from when you didn't suspect them to be telepathic
  89. >You asked Jon about his thoughts on death, which prompted him to lament the recent passing of his mother
  90. >They do die permanently
  91. >At least there aren’t zombies of zombies here
  92.  
  93.  
  94. >He said that he hoped she “was in a better place,” wherever that is
  95. >You didn’t prod him because you don’t want to risk your relationship with a cooperative human
  96. >After Jake started being intrusive and morally questionable and your discovery that you’re surrounded by zombies, Jon’s probably the human that you feel most comfortable around
  97. >That’s not saying much, as your opinion of humans in general has done nothing but worsen since you read about how an ‘Apache helicopter’ is the best thing ever
  98. >Living or not, he’s a colleague and someone you can talk to about your work
  99. >Even if he is confirmed to be interfering with your magic and is himself devoid of any magic
  100. >You spend most of your non-study time with him
  101. >Most of that time is spent trying to point out the impossibilities in each others’ scientific knowledge
  102. >It's not usually productive, but it is entertaining
  103. >Something to do since the work load dropped off
  104.  
  105.  
  106. >He claimed that the only way you could move things without touching them would be if you had control over a gravitational singularity that’s rotating at near light-speed
  107. >Sort of correct, seeing how telekinesis is the conversion of magical energy into gravitational energy to push and pull objects, but the specifics are beyond measurement
  108. >However, he didn’t have an answer for the discrepancies between the calculations of human physics and the shape of galaxies
  109. >Granted, he’s not an astrophysicist, but you’ll take victories where you can get them
  110. >And you were pleasantly unsurprised to find that human physics has a very similar mathematical model of gravity wells to the one you’re used to
  111. >They got most of it right, but not all of it
  112. >It doesn’t account for a few variables, but it took a substantial amount of explanation out of the conversation
  113. >Overall, Jon’s bearable
  114. >Kind of
  115. >For what you’re pretty sure is a walking corpse
  116. >This place is worse than weird
  117. >The more you peel back the layers, the more disturbing it gets
  118. >Back on topic: Jon seems okay enough to work with
  119. >Intelligent, helpful, a bit weird on a personal level
  120. >He offends you on a biological/magical level, but that’s a given due to him being a human
  121.  
  122.  
  123. >The glimpses you’ve caught of the neighbors and mail delivery human with the ‘visible magic particles’ spell confirm that this is at least a regional phenomenon, if not a species-wide phenomenon
  124. >All the non-human species you’ve been able to observe seem to be identical or nearly identical to their Equestrian counterparts, magic and all, so you can only guess that this is unique to humans
  125. >It’s difficult to look for the absence of something beyond a few meters, but if you pay attention and squint just right, you don’t need to have photonic line-of-sight to ‘see’ a human with magic
  126. >You watched Eliza go about her morning routine while you lay in bed this morning for practice
  127. >Eliza seems to be a caring if slightly worried person
  128. >Jake called her his “half Jewish mother that’s acting like a full Jewish mother [in the presence of Spike or yourself],” which may mean that this personality trait is inherited culturally or genetically
  129. >You’ll look into that later
  130. >And Jake is kind of a jerk, apathetic about death, and quite possibly telepathic
  131. >You try to hold him to his Pinkie Promise and ask him to print things so he feels like you’re not neglecting him
  132. >It might only be that these monsters are raising something slightly more monstrous than they
  133. >Or this is a coordinated ploy that’s exploiting your relatively high level of trust in Jon and the apparent empathy of Eliza
  134.  
  135.  
  136. >Alternatively, you’re entirely wrong about this telepathy hypothesis
  137. >That wouldn’t explain the ‘purple smart’ remark last evening
  138. >So you’re probably right
  139. >You interviewed Spike about everything he could remember the humans saying, which revealed that Jake claimed you told him the reason for giving him ‘The Complete Guide to Equestria and its Neigh-bors’ was because Pinkie told you to
  140. >You didn’t tell Jake anything about Pinkie other than her name, and you know he didn’t see the letter telling you to celebrate his birthday
  141. >Spike said he was surprised that Jake seemed to know her because he was completely certain he hadn’t said anything about her yet
  142. >That’s the sort of thing that he doesn’t consider ‘too mundane’ to remember
  143. >The chances of Jake making a guess that accurate are slim to none unless he knows Pinkie from somewhere, or Spike is lying
  144. >You trust Spike to the point that you’d consider the former to be more likely
  145. >He knows Pinkie from somewhere
  146. >Possibly from the inside of your head
  147. >There’s too much evidence for you to ignore this
  148. >And if he’s in your head, “an eye for an eye” is fair
  149.  
  150.  
  151. >So you’re sitting in the basement, idly scratching out notes on the workings of ‘NOT logic gates,’ the ‘Olmec’ civilization, and occasionally taking a note or two on how Jake is going about his day
  152. >You were curious as to how a society can function without any magic
  153. >The bit about having so little magic that all members of the society should be incapable of homeostasis is a tad excessive, but you didn't set up this experiment
  154. >As far as you can tell, the conclusion you can draw from this is “almost exactly the same, but they use electricity and motors much more often and can talk to each other whenever they want”
  155. >You’ve been sitting around for five hours, staring at the ‘projectorless screen’ you made as a companion spell to the ‘shared eye’ spell
  156. >Maintaining the ‘projectorless screen’ and willing yourself to watch it is becoming a test of magical and mental endurance
  157. >Besides seeing the sheer number of ‘cars’ human society uses in a relatively urban environment, nothing unexpected has happened
  158. >Jon claimed to own nearly half a dozen ‘bicycles,’ which led you to believe that those might be more common
  159. >But it seems not
  160. >He’s just a member of a ‘bicycling’ hobbyists’ club
  161. >You’ve been hoping for another major revelation, but so far there’s been nothing
  162.  
  163.  
  164. >Wednesday, April 10, 1:16pm, Room 11, North Academic building of college campus
  165. >He is Jake Addams
  166. >He is being shown a documentary about a political ideology that led to millions of needless deaths, many of them intentional
  167.  
  168. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3pzMHD0F4yQ
  169. (YouTube link: “The Bloody History of Communism” This link is here to show you which movie the story is talking about, so skip it if you want. Watch a minute or two to get a feel for it if you’d like, preferably around the 19 minute mark. If you don’t feel like doing that, the story describes it well enough. You are ABSOLUTELY NOT being asked to watch a feature length documentary. That would be cheap on my part.)
  170.  
  171. >There are several videos and verbal accounts of executions
  172. >By gunshot, by hanging, by disembowelment, and also by a few methods that are disturbingly creative
  173. >Jake and the other students seem to have no reaction to the violence they are witnessing
  174. >The narrator is describing the acts as “heinous” and “horrible”
  175. >You’re not sure you want to believe that the narrator really means that
  176. >Words are cheap
  177.  
  178.  
  179. >The professor, a slightly overweight middle aged male with dark hair, turns off the projector and reactivates the electric lights
  180. >“Alright, someone write down where we’re leaving off. You guys got any questions?”
  181. >“Why is it so harsh on Darwinism? I think it’s a real stretch to say that Darwin’s theory of evolution is directly responsible for Lenin's world view.”
  182. >“I don’t doubt that it had some influence on Marx and Lenin's ideals, but you’ve got to remember that this film was made by a religious organization. They want to justify their views, and these historical events help build their case by presenting the opposite side as unreasonable.”
  183. >“What about the cheesy music? I’m pretty sure I heard the Michael Myers theme in there.”
  184. >“It’s the best I could find that covers all the important events in chronological order, so please forgive the bias and quality. Anyone else?”
  185. >No one asks any other questions
  186. >The professor breaks the silence
  187. >“Okay, I have a question for you guys. Did anyone see the zombies in this part of the film?”
  188. >Every human in the documentary
  189. >“Nobody? I told you there were zombies in this! C’mon, Joe. I know that The Walking Dead is your favorite TV show. Don’t tell me you weren’t at least looking for zombies.”
  190. >“I didn’t see them, Mr. Spadaccini.”
  191. >“You kids are unbelievable. I was expecting someone to say that the people in the segment about Lenin’s engineered famine looked like zombies.”
  192.  
  193.  
  194. >First they don’t care about death, now they’re joking about it
  195. >There goes your hypothesis about only the youth of the species being apathetic towards death
  196. >“Whatever. Class dismissed. I’ll see you on Friday.”
  197. >Jake leaves the classroom and walks to a building with a cafeteria
  198. >He orders a hot dog, likely composed of meat
  199. >You look away as he consumes it
  200. >Afterwards, he walks into another room with couches, what appears to be a table tennis set (seriously, the same sports?), and several other humans that you assume to be students
  201. >He approaches another male human
  202. >The other human is wearing garish sunglasses, has roughly the same skin tone and hair color as Jake, slightly heavier, and is wearing a pair of headphones around his neck in addition to the standard human attire of a short sleeved shirt and pants
  203. >“Yo, Jake ‘n’ bake. How’s it hangin’?”
  204. >“I’m doing okay, Don and on. I’ve got a meeting with the academic advisor to sign up for classes next semester.”
  205. >“We’re not going home yet?”
  206. >“Nah. I’ll be back in ten minutes.”
  207. >“Okie doke. I’m gonna be out in the woods for a minute.”
  208. >“More like tokie doke. I know what you’re going to do there.”
  209. >“Damn right.”
  210. >Nothing significantly different or unexpected is happening
  211. >You check Spike’s perspective
  212. >He’s doing nothing of note, either
  213. >You dispel the screen and head upstairs for a late lunch
  214.  
  215.  
  216. >You give a quick “hello” to Spike as you pass by the living room
  217. >He gives a delayed reply, too engrossed in whatever it is that he’s doing now
  218. >He’s the biggest risk to your façade of happiness because he knows you the best
  219. >He’d notice things that the humans wouldn’t
  220. >Or he would, if he was paying attention
  221. >In the kitchen, you get a butter knife, some peanut butter, some jelly, and some bread
  222. >With your magic, thank heavens
  223. >You can stand in the middle of the room and make it all come to you, just like you’re used to
  224. >They’re letting you use telekinesis on just about anything that isn’t sharp, hard, or heavy
  225. >Or rice cakes
  226. >Or pre-packaged breakfast cereal
  227. >Or the pills in the box on the table
  228. >Especially the pills in the box on the table
  229. >It wouldn’t take a telepath to figure out that you stole the multivitamins and food, but apparently Jake’s doctor is giving him some illegal-without-a-prescription substances and he REALLY doesn’t want to lose those
  230. >This magic resistance, however it works, is betraying some of the humans’ desires
  231. >You open the peanut butter jar
  232. >There’s a lot less than there was yesterday
  233. >You saw a spoon in the sink that had some peanut butter still on it a day ago
  234. >Jon must be snacking on it
  235. >They don’t want you to leave, they don’t want you to inflict physical harm on them, they don’t want you to take things without asking, and they don’t want you to use their ‘computers’
  236.  
  237.  
  238. >Why they don’t want you to use computers is beyond you
  239. >Wouldn’t that help you in a way that wouldn’t hinder them?
  240. >You get to learn and they don’t have to go out of their way to help you
  241. >You ought to ask about that computer Jake said he might build from spare parts
  242. >This may be more complicated than simply what they want
  243. >It could have something to do with the reasons behind their desires
  244. >If so, that should supposedly assist some surreptitious sleuthing
  245. >Once you’ve determined the exact workings of this… effect that humans produce, you’re going to write a paper on it and name it after yourself
  246. >‘T. Sparkle Field’ has a decent ring to it
  247. >Something more to be remembered by if they can’t get you back to Equestria
  248. >Honestly, if you could guarantee that you could at least get your body back to Equestria, living or not, you’d feel a lot more secure
  249. >You have no idea why humans seem to believe that there’s any life after death other than being remembered for what someone did when they lived
  250. >You spread the peanut butter on one slice, and close the jar as you finish
  251. >Some envy the Princesses for their perceived immortality through immense magical capacity
  252. >The irony is that everyone is already immortal, in a sense
  253.  
  254.  
  255. >Long after someone is gone, their actions continue to affect others
  256. >You will never meet your great-great-great-great-great grandparents, but you have them to thank for your existence today
  257. >And if someone does something important enough, their life will go on in retellings of their achievements
  258. >Starswirl is just as immortal as the Princesses, in that respect
  259. >You’re the single most important person in the world’s scientific community right now, so you’re guaranteed a biographical summary next to some of your work
  260. >Hopefully, it won’t list your cause of death as “undetermined (contact lost, presumed dead)”
  261. >The North Korean situation seems to be simmering down, from what you can tell by listening to the news on the ‘radio’
  262. >Though none of the active wars are showing any sign of slowing down
  263. >Regardless of what’s happening, there’s still a chance that the humans could decide to end all life
  264. >Yours included
  265. >Making sure that all of the peanut butter is off of the knife, you open the
  266. >No, wait, this is the squeeze-bottle brand of jelly
  267. >Motors, ‘electricity,’ ‘radios,’ the possibility of death at any second because of weapons that had WAY too much time and effort invested into their creation as opposed to the creation of something productive, and plastic bottles of jelly that don’t require you to unscrew the lid to access their contents
  268. >You’re still not used to this place
  269.  
  270.  
  271. >If you could go outside, start doing ambassadorial work for Celestia, and tell the humans to hold off on the end of the world until you’ve packed your bags and left with Spike and a bit of reading material, that would be great
  272. >Everyone gathered in Canterlot is thrilled to learn of the feats of innovation that humans have created in the absence of magic
  273. >You assume that the human scientific community would like to study the feats of magic that have circumvented and augmented engineering as soon as they get over the fact that you’re “a magical talking purple pegasus/unicorn hybrid”
  274. >And hopefully they would be better behaved than the research teams in Canterlot
  275. >But no, you’re under house arrest in a house that isn’t yours on a world that you didn’t know existed that’s full of an obscure extinct species of apes that believe magic is fictional and are so devoid of magic that they would be declared dead by any respectable doctor, and double-dead by any unicorn that casts the ‘visible magical particles’ spell while observing them
  276. >It’s all so frustratingly ridiculous
  277. >You could swear that there's a horror movie about zombie apes
  278. >To say that premise is B-list would be flattery, but you vaguely remember the concept
  279. >You prefer trivia that's actually useful
  280.  
  281.  
  282. >You’re half expecting to wake up in a hospital bed from this crazy coma dream where everything is the same, yet bizarre and different
  283. >You’ve got to give your subconscious its dues, though
  284. >It’s being very thorough
  285. >If this is a dream, you may be thinking up some really useful machines and scientific concepts without doing any conscious thinking
  286. >You squeeze some jelly onto the other slice, close the bottle’s lid, and spread the jelly
  287. >Though the fact that so many of these machines are intended for violence or have potential violent uses disturbs you
  288. >And then there are the world events you’re hearing about, as well as the prevalence of violent assault, sexual assault, and theft in the local news
  289. >If this is being dynamically fabricated by your mind, you’re going to have to ask yourself some hard questions when you wake up
  290. >Really, ‘suicide bombing,’ ‘genocide,’ and ‘nuclear warfare?’
  291. >You have trouble believing that any sane pny would think that up, let alone that you would think of things like this
  292. >It’s so overwhelmingly violent and perverse that you’re disgusted by the simple possibility that you’re the one creating it
  293. >If this is actually happening and humans are the ones putting all of this knowledge towards the most counterproductive thing ever, that’s actually a twisted sort of relief
  294. >Otherwise, you’re the one putting everything you know towards thinking up excessive ways to kill
  295.  
  296.  
  297. >Everything here makes sense under scrutiny, even the things you don’t want to think about
  298. >With a few caveats, namely the humans’ ability to amplify your magic or weaken your magic to useless levels simply because they feel like it, and the fact that you’re here instead of your library
  299. >You levitate the jelly and peanut butter containers back into the ‘refrigerator,’ and put the butter knife in the sink
  300. >But why would your mind go to that logical conclusion instead of creating a nice dream?
  301. >Somewhere where people can just get along?
  302. >Even so, wouldn’t Luna have tried to contact you directly?
  303. >Maybe she can’t
  304. >You’ve heard anecdotes of sentient creatures appearing to have one last overwhelming burst of mental activity immediately before the brain ceases function and the mind ends, as perceived through a spell intended to measure how much effort someone is putting into thinking
  305. >You could have killed yourself in any number of ways with that teleport
  306. >What seems like months to you may only be moments, giving her no time to contact you
  307. >In that case, you hope Spike is okay, or at least having a better dream than you are
  308. >You never saw totally eye-to-eye with your brother, but you know he’s going to miss his “little sister best friend forever” if you’re dead and you don’t know it yet
  309.  
  310.  
  311. >You didn’t like watching Shining play soldier when he was a kid
  312. >You had a lump in your throat when you told Shining that you respected his decision to join the Royal Guard, even though you didn’t approve of it
  313. >It was his choice
  314. >He got his cutie mark from it, so it’s what he was meant to do
  315. >He was still your best friend during most of your youth, so you didn’t protest (much) despite your doubts
  316. >You also have some doubts about the games you’re letting Spike play now
  317. >They're not much worse than slapstick comedy, but still worse
  318. >To be fair, you’ve been in fights a few times
  319. >More than a few times
  320. >You put the jelly and peanut butter sides of the bread together, and head downstairs again
  321. >You weren’t the cause of those fights
  322. >And the stakes were ‘win, or leave the world worse than you found it’
  323. >The humans?
  324. >The radio news says the country you’re in RIGHT NOW has the third highest gross domestic product: military budget ratio on the planet, but is affluent enough to be the first in terms of overall value of military expenses by a wide margin
  325.  
  326.  
  327. >There was an across-the-board budget cut that’s beginning to set in, but they’re still spending so much that that the United States are unlikely to lose that distinction
  328. >With all the work and resources they’ve put into developing ways to fight, it’s hard to believe that humans could be considering any alternatives to perpetual conflict
  329. >The humans you hear on the ‘radio’ don’t advocate war often, and sometimes they even voice concerns about the possibility of a new war
  330. >If humans are so afraid of war, why have they had so many wars?
  331. >Wouldn’t they remember what their wars were like?
  332. >Civil wars, world wars, cold wars, proxy wars, hidden wars, ‘cyber’ wars, ‘The War on Terror,’ ‘The War on Drugs,’…
  333. >None of them have combat occurring near you, but it still worries you
  334. >It COULD happen near you any day now
  335. >If this is all a dream, this might be symbolic of an obsession, or maybe a strong phobia
  336. >But that wouldn’t make sense
  337. >Your entire life thus far has been lived in peacetime without even a threat of war, and you’re no military historian
  338. >That’s probably the one area of study that your brother can claim that he knows better than you
  339. >You were never interested, and you only studied it for the sake of completion
  340. >Shining, on the other hoof, has almost every battle of the Mino-Griffonic War memorized
  341.  
  342.  
  343. >That’s not to say that he’s a warmonger or a berserker
  344. >He’d never take a life if he could help it
  345. >With Celestia’s record of peace lasting centuries at a time, he may never have to do so
  346. >Barring exceptional circumstances, such as his wedding
  347. >He was incapacitated for most of that, but he told you that he was glad that he did his part to protect Canterlot in the end
  348. >You were exaggerating about not swatting mosquitoes, but he’s that sort of pony
  349. >That’s part of the reason he has his position
  350. >In peacetime, the Guard acts mostly as an escort to important politicians while the standing army polices the borders and does civil engineering
  351. >Soldiers who join because they like to fight don’t often rise through the ranks, you’re told
  352. >Shining fit the bill there
  353. >His interest in military history and strategy is more academic than a stupid fascination with fighting
  354. >Lacking a wide selection of wars to study, he says the Mino-Griffonic war is his “favorite”
  355. >You had him clarify that he meant that as purely appreciation of the tactics and politics involved when you heard him say that for the first time
  356. >That war was fierce and hateful
  357. >It was one of the largest wars in recorded history
  358. >The windigoes nearly recovered from endangered status thanks to that conflict
  359.  
  360.  
  361. >The Equestrian military lost thousands of soldiers trying to halt the war by forming a wedge between the lines of the Griffons and Minotaurs to bring both sides to the negotiating table and prevent the windigo population from growing any further
  362. >That was six centuries ago
  363. >You take a bite of the sandwich
  364. >Decent, but none of the ingredients have that ‘home made’ taste
  365. >Thanks to Celestia’s deft political maneuvering, there wasn’t another war for five centuries
  366. >The next one was purely accidental
  367. >There's not a formal name for it because historians on both sides consider it an embarrassment
  368. >Feral dragons started roosting in the southern territories of the Griffon Republic and destroyed several jewel-mining towns
  369. >War broke out when Equestrian border guards thought some dragons that attacked their post had been driven towards Equestria in a deliberate action
  370.  
  371.  
  372. >In actuality, the Griffons’ military was so desperate to get rid of the dragons that they didn’t have time to herd them in a specific direction or coordinate their dispersal
  373. >That war went on for three months before either side realized that it was occurring under the false notion that their enemy had struck without provocation
  374. >Messengers and diplomats couldn’t get through the combined warzone/dragon migration, captured enemies might have been lying, and everyone involved thought they were in the right
  375. >It was completely unnecessary, and it cost hundreds of innocent ponies and griffons their lives
  376. >The windigoes had another resurgence, but not nearly as much as the Mino-Griffonic War had given them
  377. >At home, prolonged war could result in a long, harsh winter that would be difficult or impossible to recover from
  378. >For humans, war could result in exactly the same thing, but entirely of their own making
  379. >Lacking a reason beyond the abhorrence of war to prevent war from occurring, they have created one
  380. >But if their winter starts, it's going to get hot before it gets cold
  381. >You cast the ‘projectorless screen’ spell again
  382. >Hmm… it seems as if Jake is listening to the human he met before you left recount the use of a hallucinogenic substance
  383. >New aspect of culture, requires documentation
  384. >Back to work
  385.  
  386.  
  387.  
  388. Part 2
  389.  
  390.  
  391. >You are Jake Addams
  392. >You’re cruising down I-95 with your buddy, Don
  393. >Your friends are all some form of nerd or another
  394. >Don’s the Warhammer 40k “Orkz and Imperial Guard player” / guns / semi-ironic “RON PAUL 2016” nerd
  395. >He’s a pretty cool guy, even if he does smell like marijuana half the time
  396. >One time, you picked him up in the town square while he was smoking a pot pipe right next to a police squad car
  397. >He said he’d been waiting a while and unless the cops were total pigs, they wouldn’t care because he wasn’t causing a ruckus
  398. >In addition to not giving a fuck, he’s way more sociable than you
  399. >He has at least twice as many friends as you do
  400. >He’s been going to conventions all around the New England area with them while dressed like a crab wearing sunglasses
  401. >If anyone can pull off the ‘Crab Nicholson Extreme Sleepover’ feel, it’s him
  402. >He said he’s thinking of changing it up and going as Warhammer 40,000 Techpriest if he can get the materials together for that costume
  403.  
  404.  
  405. >That time he was at a con where there was half a cake left over from some event was a hell of a story
  406. >You weren’t one of the people he went with, so you don’t know if any of this is true
  407. >You don’t even care if he made it up
  408. >He’s better at telling it than you, but the gist of it is that he saved a perfectly good cake from being thrown away, then he started distributing it on the convention floor
  409. >He complimented one of the attractive-by-most-standards female cosplayers in a skintight costume who took a slice from him
  410. >She took the compliment well
  411. >A different attractive female cosplayer in a skintight costume overheard this
  412. >She didn’t take it quite as well
  413. >Thus began a catfight of sexual displays (which actually involved Catwoman, for the record) to claim the favor of a man dressed as the world’s chillest crustacean
  414. >He didn’t ask anyone to do anything
  415. >It was just an offhand comment
  416. >It ended when one of them decided to flash their tits to him in the middle of the convention center
  417. >This is the sort of thing he says happens to him once every few months
  418.  
  419.  
  420. >“…and right as she closes the bathroom door, my perception of time stops working. Everything freezes. I’m not moving. Nothing is moving. The shower curtain was fluttering and it stops entirely. I hear the sound of the closing door echoing in my head. It fades a little each time as the room gets darker, until eventually it feels like a truck hits me. I snap back, look at the bottle of scotch in my hand and the LSD eyedropper on the counter and yell out into the hotel room, ‘Christina? Christina, I think I’ve had enough.’ She said it looked like I’d seen a ghost.”
  421. “Why do you always have the coolest stories, bro?”
  422. >“I actually go out and do shit, for one thing.”
  423. “Yeah…”
  424. >“So what classes did you sign up for?”
  425. “Calc and computer aided design.”
  426. >“I thought you said you couldn’t stand math.”
  427. “I’m thinking of going into engineering. Maybe design. Or medicine. Something to do with how stuff fits together. Fuck if I can decide, but I need to take another math elective if I’m going to transfer to a state college. This is going to be like pulling teeth.”
  428.  
  429.  
  430. >“Why not take a different math elective?”
  431. “I said ‘pulling teeth,’ not ‘ripping off my lower jaw.’ I wouldn’t have even considered it if my mom wasn’t the head of a competitive math team and willing to tutor me in her free time.”
  432. >“I still don’t see you having an easy time in calc.”
  433. “I’m not optimistic either, seeing how I haven’t even taken trigonometry.”
  434. >“I took some trig.”
  435. “How was it?”
  436. >Oh yeah, and Don is a casual racist in private conversation
  437. >“If I had to describe that class in one word, it would be ‘niggonometry.’
  438. >You don’t agree with almost all of what he says on that topic, but you let it slide because other than that, he’s fine
  439. >He’s got a couple of African American friends, so he’s not a legitimate racist or a supremacist
  440. >You were there when he was trying to ask one of them why black people like YuGiOh more than other trading card games and kept trying to apologize for any offensiveness in the way he phrased the question
  441. >That friend took no offense, and it turns out that even an insider on that phenomenon doesn’t understand it
  442. >It seems more like Don’s just trying to be a provocative asshole instead of being genuinely hateful when he’s being racist, anyway
  443. “Is there a story behind this?”
  444. >Sometimes you try to work him away from this line of thought, but you never make much progress
  445.  
  446.  
  447. >“Oh, there’s a story behind everything. That class had one of those obnoxious ‘Shaniqua’ sort of negresses that’s all sass and no brains. You know the type. Every other word she said was about how great she was. She would chat in the back of the class with the other niggers, failing the course the whole time, and she didn’t actually care about her grade until it was a week too late to withdraw. After that, she complained for the rest of the semester that the teacher didn’t do enough to explain the material to her. It’s not the professor’s fault that bitch missed half the course!”
  448. “So did any of the people in her clique pass?”
  449. >“Nope. Two of them dropped before the midterm, three attended classes only when they felt like it, and one of them just sort of disappeared after the fifth class and came back for the final exam.”
  450. >That hint must have been too subtle
  451. “Were there any other black students in the class?”
  452. >“A couple. I see where you’re going with this.”
  453. “And?”
  454. >“They passed, C plus and a B minus.”
  455. >You take the exit and start heading towards his house in Watertown
  456.  
  457.  
  458. >“Real talk for a sec?”
  459. “I’m listening.”
  460. >“Alright, I know you don’t like it when I say ‘nigger.’”
  461. “True.”
  462. >“I really don’t see what the problem is with it.”
  463. “I do. You can’t just call people niggers.”
  464. >“You can if it’s not racist.”
  465. “You’re not black, if you haven’t noticed.”
  466. >“Define the word ‘nigger’ for me, in the context of how I use it.”
  467. “It’s probably the most offensive thing you could say to someone of African descent.”
  468. >“Nope. That’s not my definition. I go by the classical definition of ‘nigger.’”
  469. “Okay… what’s that definition?”
  470. >“The single stupidest, most annoying, and worst example of a group. A crow shits on my head when I’m at the bus stop waiting for you to pick me up? That crow’s a nigger. A dove shits on my head when I’m at the bus stop? That dove is a nigger. Guy driving the bus drives past me even though he has no passengers and I’m waving my goddamn wallet around like ‘HEY! I NEED A RIDE TO ANOTHER BUS STOP SO I CAN MEET UP WITH JAKE! I KNOW THE M.B.T.A. DOESN’T HAVE ENOUGH FUNDING, SO DON’T ACT LIKE YOU DON’T NEED THIS!’ Doesn’t matter what he was. He’s a nigger to me now.”
  471.  
  472.  
  473. “So, what, everyone can be a ‘nigger’?”
  474. >“Everyone has the potential to be a nigger. To me, ‘nigger’ is more of a description of who someone is than what someone is. There are niggers everywhere, of every color, and therefore I’m not being racist when I call someone a nigger. Hell, ‘Shaniquas’ are just bimbos that have a shred of wit and happen to be black, now that I think about it. Bimbos are just plain stupid, making them even more niggerish than ‘Shaniquas.’”
  475. “So you think even whites can be niggers?”
  476. >“Anyone can be a nigger. In case you thought I was a supremacist, I'm not. Everyone is equally deserving of my hate”
  477. “Dare I ask if you have any favorites?”
  478. >“White people the worst niggers in my book, because they think they can’t be niggers. It’s like how straight people think their sexuality is being called into question when you call them faggots. It’s a label, nothing more. You’re a faggot. I’m not saying you’re homosexual. I’m saying you’re a faggot, faggot.”
  479. “Are you actually saying I’m a faggot, or was that just for an example?”
  480. >“You’re a faggot, but you’re not a total faggot.”
  481. >And there’s the provocative asshole aspect of it
  482. >Might as well see if he gives a valid reason for that
  483. “Alright, why?”
  484. >“Watching My Little Pony puts you right up there on the faggotometer, my friend.”
  485.  
  486.  
  487. >Oh, the joys of being openly brony
  488. >FiM’s most recognizable symbol has a rainbow color scheme
  489. >People have a worse view of you if they don’t understand why you’re into it, and the ones that do but aren’t into it as well are still slightly uncomfortable
  490. >It’s just like being openly gay, but you're more likely to remain a virgin
  491. “I agree, but that makes you a faggot too. Don’t act like you didn’t post ‘Big Macintosh is best pony’ on your Facebook.”
  492. >“That was two years ago. I haven’t watched past the season two premier.”
  493. “You still did it.”
  494. >“Hey, you’re still more of a faggot than I am. Shut in, watching and probably masturbating to ponies half the time.”
  495. “So being a brony means I’m a faggot? I guess you should be thankful that I’m not wearing a fedora, a ‘20% cooler’ T-shirt, and a pony figurine modified to fit on a keychain while strutting around with a body pillow of my pony waifu. I own approximately jack shit in pony merchandise.”
  496. >Which is fortunate, because owning any pony memorabilia at all would have been sort of hard to hide from Twilight and Spike and bring up a lot of weird questions if they found it
  497. >“Do you have a pony waifu?”
  498. >Fuck it
  499. >You’re in a hole, so you might as well dig until you hit daylight
  500. >You’re almost at his house anyway, so this conversation needs to wrap up
  501. “No. But if I did, it would be Applejack. She seems like the only one that’s sane enough for me to want to live with.”
  502. >If you could pick, of course
  503.  
  504.  
  505. >“Not only did you have an immediate answer, you also had a justification for your choice. You are such a faggot.”
  506. “But I’m not the nigger of faggots.”
  507. >“No.”
  508. “Pine cones.”
  509. >“The fuck does that have to do with anything?”
  510. “Sorry, just a stupid thought I had.”
  511. >“Sure sounds like it, faggot.”
  512. “And that’s just a label, so I shouldn’t care.”
  513. >“Now you’re getting it!”
  514. “Are you telling me this because you’re trying to shape your own personal utopia where you can call anyone a ‘nigger’ and get away with it, or are you taking that MMDA social disinhibitor drug again?”
  515. >“It’s MDMA, and yes.”
  516. “Yes to which one of those?”
  517. >“All of the above.”
  518. “You are un-fucking-believable, Don.”
  519. >“A man can dream. You know what else I dream? I dream of a Watertown that's not fucking boring. There's nothing to do here.”
  520.  
  521.  
  522. >You pull up to his house
  523. >He opens the passenger side door, steps out, and opens the back door to get his backpack off of the seat
  524. >“See you on Monday, faggot.”
  525. “Later, faggot.”
  526. >You wait to see him go inside his house, then drive off
  527. >The shit you put up with from that guy
  528. >He’s cool and all, but hot damn if he doesn’t see the world as his playground
  529. >The drive is uneventful, save for a couple of Massachusetts drivers
  530. >You pull into your driveway
  531. >You get your backpack off of the backseat and head inside
  532. >Dad’s working on the Equestrian science book that landed on your toe a while ago
  533. >Spike’s up to ‘Mad Monster Mansion’ in Banjo Kazooie
  534. >In your room, you pull out your laptop
  535. >You lay down on your bed to do a bit of web browsing and settle in
  536. >You get a little under ten minutes of this before Twilight comes to you for what you’re guessing is another question she wants to have answered ‘straight and honest’ or to have something printed
  537.  
  538.  
  539. >She was acting sort of weird last night, but you’re not sure why
  540. >At least she didn’t have a breakdown like she did when she learned of how well humans can design weapons and then you told her about nuclear warfare
  541. >She screamed “Don’t!” at one point when you said you were going to nuke some macaroni and cheese a few days after that conversation
  542. >You could have cooked and eaten that mac and cheese in the time it took to convince her that you were only talking about microwaving something
  543. >Since Eliza confronted her, she seems to have come back to what you’d consider normal
  544. >Maybe even a bit beyond normal
  545. >She started being nice all of a sudden, like nothing had happened
  546. >“Is this a good time?”
  547. “I’m not doing anything important.”
  548. >“I’ve, uhh… I’ve been hearing things on the radio about something to do with homosexual marriage being legalized in this country. It sounds controversial.”
  549. >Well, that’s a loaded question to come home to
  550. “It sure is.”
  551. >“Would you care to explain to me?”
  552. “Alright, I’ll try. I think that the long and short of it is that people think that gay people have cooties.”
  553. >Several seconds of silence
  554. “What? That’s the truth!”
  555. >“…Would you please elaborate?”
  556.  
  557.  
  558. “Okay, but I think my take on it is pretty much the core of the issue. People aren’t comfortable with the concept of gay people.”
  559. >You close the laptop and sit up
  560. “Along with the concept of homosexuality being unnerving to some people, there are a few social stigmas attached to being gay. People might assume that a gay person is some sort of pervert or deviant or rapist, and there’s a bit of a religious aspect to it as well.”
  561. >“What is that religious aspect?”
  562. “Most religions don’t condone homosexuality. That’s more in Eliza’s field, so ask her about it if you want the details. And the cooties I mentioned aren’t just metaphorical. There’s a deadly sexually transmitted virus with a long incubation period that’s been affecting the gay community for a few decades now called Human Immunodeficiency Virus/Auto Immune Deficiency Syndrome. It’s particularly bad for the gay community in part because they don’t have to worry about causing a pregnancy, ergo they don’t need to wear protection or limit themselves as much. Factor bisexuals into this, and you’ve got a pandemic. That’s not to say that it’s not transmitted almost as often by heterosexual sex, though.”
  563. >“So is the debate about the implications for public health?”
  564.  
  565.  
  566. “Not really. It’s mostly political.”
  567. >“What would you say is the prevailing opinion on this issue?”
  568. “Most people are either indifferent or support the passage of the law, but there’s a vocal minority that’s lobbying for all they’re worth to keep it from becoming legal.”
  569. >“Which side of the issue are you on?”
  570. “It doesn’t affect me, and all it does is generate controversy. I say pass the law and be done with it, already. It’s not like there’s a good legal argument against it, most people want it or don’t care, and law shouldn’t be about imposing personal opinions on others.”
  571. >“There’s no good legal argument even though it spreads a pandemic disease?”
  572. “AIDS is a problem, but it’s not as big of a deal as you seem to think.”
  573. >Hmm…
  574. >You’ve got a bit of an opening to turn the conversation back on her
  575. “So what about Equestria? How is this issue handled there?”
  576. >“It’s still a little awkward, socially, but it’s not a political issue.”
  577. “Why is that?”
  578. >“It wasn’t much of an issue to begin with. Nopony except the ones who wanted freedom of marriage were passionate about the issue, but the issue dragged on and on because nopony was comfortable discussing this aspect of sex until about forty years ago. Celestia issued a decree legalizing it two centuries ago.”
  579. >Dictator Celestia and same-gender shippings canon?
  580.  
  581.  
  582. “Isn't she limited by a constitution, or something?”
  583. >“She answers to the legislative branch as much as they answer to her.”
  584. “And she just said that was the way things were going to be, without letting anyone vote about it?”
  585. >“That’s not the most eloquent way of putting it, but yes.”
  586. “Did she at least ask the legislators and public before doing this?”
  587. >“She asked if they wanted the debate to end. They did, so she ended it in the way that would be the least harmful. Ponies who wanted to marry someone of their own gender would have been quite upset if they weren’t given the right, and the activists against that cause would still have felt awkward around homosexuals. They still do feel awkward, but it’s not worth campaigning against. Besides, I’ve heard that your president is circumventing the legislative body more often than any of his predecessors.”
  588. >Well shit
  589. >The biggest downside to her coming out of the basement more often is that she’s not cutting herself off from the news
  590. >She actually might win this argument
  591. >When she suddenly decided to go hippie on you about how much work humans have put into designing ways to kill, she was more passionate than she was knowledgeable
  592. >Now you don’t have that advantage
  593.  
  594.  
  595. “Most of what he’s ordering isn’t a matter of opinion, like homosexual marriage. People would throw a fit if he ordered that to become law.”
  596. >“That wouldn’t have anything to do with his ethnicity, would it?”
  597. “Yes. Well, sort of, but that’s not the main part of it, I think. Congress and the Senate are too busy bickering to give him bills to sign, so someone has to make policies.”
  598. >“And you’re okay with him just passing executive orders left and right, whether or not it’s what the people want?”
  599. “Celestia did it too, and Barack seems to be doing okay, at least. He’s not totally out of line with the public’s opinion or being blatantly self-serving, either.”
  600. >“Celestia’s done it once every few decades, and her leadership is better than ‘okay.’ It’s apples and oranges. That is a common saying here, right?”
  601. “Two things not worth comparing because they’re so dissimilar, yes.”
  602. >“Do you have a rebuttal?”
  603. “I’ve got nothing.”
  604. >“Well, there you go. It’s been a pleasure debating you.”
  605. >Because she won the debate, she’s happy
  606. >To quote Han Solo: “Let the Wookie win”
  607. >You didn’t let the pony win, but the result seems to be the same
  608. >You still have your arms, and she’s happy
  609.  
  610.  
  611. >She never did say what was causing her magic not to work, or why it seems to be working the way you expect it to now
  612. >…she’ll probably tell you if she thinks you can understand
  613. >Meanwhile, don’t get on her bad side and try to keep her from having panic attacks
  614. “So, is there anything else you wanted to talk about?”
  615. >“I’d like you to build a computer for me.”
  616. >You were hoping she wouldn’t ask about this for a while
  617. >You have no idea how you would make a ‘net nanny’ sort of program yet
  618. “Easy enough, but I’m going to need to get some parts. All I have right now is a motherboard and a few sticks of RAM from when I upgraded my PC last year. I’d have a decent graphics card too if the last one I was using hadn’t melted, but I think it might be able to run without one. We’ve also got a few monitors lying around if you don’t mind dead pixels.”
  619. >The Comp Sci textbook doesn’t look like it covers threading interaction between Visual Basic code and other programs, so that might not even be accepted for your final project
  620. >You’re going to have to stall her at least until you’ve got that figured out
  621.  
  622.  
  623. >Hopefully you can still kill two (Four? Five?) birds with one stone
  624. >“No power supply, no read-only memory, and no secondary memory? That barely sounds like a starting point.”
  625. “But it is a base that I can build off of. I should probably go to the dump and see if I can find a case that has the right screw placement for the ‘board I’ve got.”
  626. >She gives you a stare that says ‘wow, you’re really doing this cheaply, aren’t you?’
  627. >And she’s right
  628. “I don’t need to make a supercomputer if you’re going to be using it only to browse the web.”
  629. >The stare continues
  630. “Jon does this all the time. It’s a good way to save money.”
  631. >The stare continues to continue
  632. “I promise to wash the case before I start working on it. I probably won’t need to because most of the computer hardware is in a different part of the dump from the other trash, but if it makes you feel better, I’ll do it anyway.”
  633. >That seems to put her at ease again
  634. “I’m probably not going to do this immediately. I’ve got final exams coming up at the start of the next month and it’s going to take a few weeks for parts to come in the mail.”
  635. >“As long as you’re willing to print pages when I request them, I’m fine with our current arrangement. That said, I doubt that you’d want to do this forever. I think we’d both like that computer to be ready soon.”
  636. >Riiiiight
  637.  
  638.  
  639. “I’m okay with it for however long you need me to do it. By the way, is there anything you need me to print right now?”
  640. >“I could use a few pages on telephones, sub-nuclear particles, and internal combustion engines, but it’s been slow lately. There aren’t many new requests. Most of what I’m doing is fleshing out my previous work.”
  641. “Spike said he’d been sending the same things back and forth a lot. He couldn’t tell what they were about, though.”
  642. >“I'm essentially the consultant for the ‘Canterlot Computer.’ I also got through that encyclopedia. I sent it to Equestria, but it got sent back almost immediately. Celestia thought it would be better if I kept to transcribe and sent her the copy.”
  643. “Anything urgent that you need to take care of?”
  644. >“No. I’m still looking for leads on human technology to study, but those books you gave me last month were enough for me to create a list of most of the useful ones.”
  645. “So… do you have a bit of room in your schedule?”
  646. >“I suppose. Why?”
  647. “I could get some movies for you. I know you’ve been meaning to get around to studying modern society, so that would at least give you something.”
  648. >“That, uh… that would be nice.”
  649. “I’ll put a list of movies together for you.”
  650. >“Thanks. I need to get back to work. The test circuits of the ‘Canterlot Computer’ keep shorting out for some reason.”
  651. “See you at dinner.”
  652. >She begins to back out of the room
  653. >You never really thought about how hard it must be for ponies to turn in tight spaces until now
  654.  
  655.  
  656. >A second later, she comes back
  657. >She must have remembered something
  658. “Something else on your mind?”
  659. >She says nothing and looks you in the eye
  660. “What is it?”
  661. >She taps the edge of her right fore-hoof to the side of her head
  662. >You cock an eyebrow, but she says nothing
  663. >She does it again, looking slightly confused
  664. “What are you doing?”
  665. >She does it one more time, looking a bit frustrated now
  666. “I don’t understand. Is that supposed to mean something?”
  667. >“…Never mind.”
  668. >She leaves for good this time
  669. >That was weird
  670. >Maybe this is something that Jon knows about
  671. >She’s been spending loads of time with him
  672. >You’ve been meaning to ask about whether he got the letter, anyway
  673. >He’s probably read it and already gotten rid of it, but you want to be sure
  674.  
  675.  
  676. >Up off the bed, down the weren’t we going to sell the things in these boxes during the neighborhood yard sale day five years ago hallway, through the kitchen, and to the door of Jon’s office
  677. >You lean inside through the open door, propped against the frame
  678. >Jon looks up from the textbook Twilight gave him, probably because he notice you moving in his peripheral vision
  679. “Hey dad, Twilight just did this weird thing where she taps the side of her head. Has she ever done something like that around you?”
  680. >“What does it look like?”
  681. “She just stared at me and did this.”
  682. >You tap your knuckles against your temple
  683. “Does that look familiar at all?”
  684. >“Not in the least.”
  685. >There goes that idea
  686. >If it’s not some sort of egghead secret handshake, you’re stumped
  687. >You don’t have any other ideas, so you move on to the second order of business
  688. “So how is that book?”
  689. >You step inside and close the door behind you
  690. >“It’s an interesting read, to put it mildly.”
  691. “How so?”
  692. >“This isn’t what I’d consider scientific. There’s too much left untested. It’s mostly speculation and competing theories without enough evidence to make an airtight case for any of them. A quarter of it is right, or at least somewhat plausible, but the rest is just bonkers once you get into the details. They keep referring to magnetism as ‘selective gravity,’ for example. That threw me off until I remembered that this book was made before they knew what an ion was.”
  693. >He didn’t bring up the letter, so you should
  694.  
  695.  
  696. >You had an agreement with him earlier that speaking a language that Twilight couldn’t understand would probably be the most secure way to communicate with Twilight around
  697. >Between your mostly forgotten Spanish classes and his decision a few years ago to watch telenovelas nonstop until he had a grasp of the language, the decision went to Spanish
  698. >He would have preferred a language that he had some formal education in, like French or German, but you’re somewhere between monolingual and one-and-a-half lingual on a good day
  699. >Besides, French is canon and Jon's Quebecois French is sort of nasally
  700. >Twilight let slip that she only had a basic comprehension of a couple of languages other than her first one
  701. >It came up in a conversation about how Equestria had a language that was almost identical to Latin
  702. >You think she said something about an ancient, sprawling pegasus empire relying on messengers between its distant towns and other nations
  703. >She said that she was familiar with some root words, but couldn’t form a complete sentence if you asked her to
  704. >If she doesn’t know Latin, there’s no way she knows Latino
  705.  
  706.  
  707. “¿Y encontró otras cosas extrañas?”
  708. >“No encontré.”
  709. >He didn’t find it?
  710. >You told him what page to look on
  711. >How could he not have found it?
  712. >Whatever, you’ll find it for him
  713. “Dime el libro.”
  714. >“Alguien no habló las palabras magicas.”
  715. “Please give me the book.”
  716. >“En Español, Jacobo.”
  717. >Oh for fuck’s sake, dad
  718. >First he accuses you of treating this like a game, now he’s playing with you
  719. >Fine
  720. >You’ll say the ‘magic words,’ and then a few more just to get across how you’re feeling
  721. “Padre, por favor dime el libro cuando todavía quiero estar paciente contigo.”
  722. >“Okay, okay! No tienes razón para estar impaciente.”
  723. >Yes you do have a reason to be impatient
  724. >He hands the book to you
  725. >You flip it open and find page 53
  726. >The second you touch it, it melts and a new sheet of paper emerges from it
  727. >You pick it up and hold it so that both you and your father can see it
  728. >It looks like two letters on the same page
  729.  
  730.  
  731. Mr. Jon Addams,
  732.  
  733. Your son has informed us that you are considering telling Twilight Sparkle about a particularly sensitive
  734. matter. We implore you not to do so under all conditions except our explicit request. We appreciate
  735. your cooperation and continued hospitality. This letter will dispose of itself after you, your wife, and
  736. your son have all viewed it once, or if Twilight Sparkle or Spike attempt to read it. Letters intended for
  737. certain recipients of your family require that you send at least one letter to us that was written by the
  738. intended recipient and recently handled by them. Otherwise, the concealment enchantment in the reply
  739. will not react to them.
  740.  
  741.  
  742. Mr. Jake Addams,
  743.  
  744. That is a subject that we are not comfortable discussing. Do not ask again, and please do not address
  745. future letters to us as “dear princesses.”
  746.  
  747.  
  748. Princesses Celestia and Luna
  749.  
  750. >The shirt you’re wearing is feeling a bit too insulating right now
  751. >Jon slips back into English
  752. >“What did you ask them about?”
  753. “They said that they already knew about the TV show. How they would know is beyond me, so I asked.”
  754. >“That’s a heavy question. Why would you ask that?”
  755. >That’s a question you probably should have asked yourself before you wrote that
  756. “I- I don’t know. I just thought that I might not get another chance to ask.”
  757. >“Well, now you know that you won’t get another chance to ask.”
  758. “…Make sure mom sees this. I’m going to be in my room.”
  759. >You fucked up
  760.  
  761.  
  762. >Maybe you were treating this as a game
  763. >Confirming your headcanons isn’t something you should be focusing on
  764. >You’re not supposed to do this for your own enjoyment
  765. >You’re supposed to take care of the houseguests
  766. >The really, really weird houseguests
  767. >Twilight thinks you’re okay, Spike seems to like you, and you’re obligated to help them regardless
  768. >Besides, if they speak highly of you, the princesses might be more likely to forgive you
  769. >You need to take care of them and make them feel at home
  770. >If either of them ends up being a friend, that’s fine
  771. >It shouldn’t be your overriding goal, though
  772. >You need to take your mind off of your mistake
  773. >You’ll write an apology and make a list for Twilight when you’re in a better mood
  774. >You lay down and open your laptop again
  775. >Let’s see what EqD’s drawfriend has today
  776.  
  777.  
  778. >Twilight’s groaning about something not working
  779. >She’s usually quiet unless it's something major
  780. >Make her comfortable, make sure she has what she needs
  781. >You get up and knock on the basement door
  782. “Is something wrong down there?”
  783. >“This spell is only working half the time. It’s supposed to work all the time!”
  784. “Anything we can do to help?”
  785. >“…No. I just need to be alone so I can concentrate.”
  786. “We’ll keep it down for you. If you need anything, anything at all, just call for me or my parents.”
  787. >“Right, whatever.”
  788. “I meant that. I’ll start keeping a journal if it helps you understand our society better.”
  789. >“That won’t be necessary… but thank you for offering.”
  790.  
  791.  
  792.  
  793. Part 3
  794.  
  795. >Sunday, April 14, 7:13pm
  796. >Year 22 and ‘close enough to dad’s birthday to take him out to dinner and celebrate’ on Earth
  797. >You are Jake Addams
  798. >You are currently in a Mexican Mexican restaurant
  799. >As opposed to an American approximation of a Mexican restaurant
  800. >There’s one of those on the other side of the river that’s like that
  801. >Only about a twentieth of its wait staff could be considered even partly Hispanic, their food is all pre-made, and their salsa is practically tomato sauce
  802. >It tries to compensate by putting way too much cheese on its enchiladas and decorating their restaurant with as many pieces of authentic Latin American art as they could import
  803. >The key word being ‘tries’
  804.  
  805.  
  806. >There was another one that was unabashedly Tex-Mex roadhouse style and didn’t pretend to not be staffed nearly 100% by people who had absolutely no heritage from Spanish-speaking countries
  807. >They had a big animatronic iguana hanging over the entry to the dining area that would welcome anyone who passed through a motion sensor
  808. >You had fun setting it off again and again back when you were too young to consider that this might be annoying to other people
  809. >That restaurant was a casualty of the economic recession, unfortunately
  810. >Now the choice is between ‘Americans pretending to know how to cook like Mexicans’ and ‘the real thing, potential gastrointestinal issues and all, but good luck finding another place that serves chorizo sausage quesadillas’
  811. >You’d take Riverside Street authenticity over fat and salt content any day
  812. >Your family’s been doing just that for the last ten years
  813. >Having a live mariachi band on weekends seals the deal, even if this restaurant is a hole in the wall worst kept secret of local dining
  814. >You’re eating some chicken quesadillas because you’re not feeling particularly adventurous tonight
  815. >Eliza had a vegetable quesadilla, and Jon had ‘Camarones al Diablo,’ the spiciest shrimp dish on the menu
  816. >That is to say that they’re done and you’re not
  817. >The ‘go to the bathroom after ordering to make it seem like the order comes quicker’ trick has that downside sometimes
  818. >They’ve been occupying themselves with conversation while you finish
  819.  
  820.  
  821. >“So how did your math team do?”
  822. >“We tied for first. I think that’s pretty good, but it wasn’t as satisfying as I thought it would be.”
  823. >“Why is that?”
  824. >“Well, we the team we tied took the championship last few years, so it’s a bit satisfying just to know we were as good as them, but there was only one first place prize.”
  825. >“What was the prize?”
  826. >“T shirts and a plaque.”
  827. >You swallow and look up long enough to comment on their conversation
  828. “I don’t remember seeing you bring anything home, mom.”
  829. >“I didn’t. That’s the interesting part. There was only one first prize and the judges gave it to their team instead of mine. I wanted to say that I thought it would be fair if my team got the prize because they haven’t come in first before, but there wasn’t any appropriate way to say it. It was so awkward! All I could do was wait to see if the other coach would offer it to me or stop the judges from giving it to him.”
  830. “And he didn’t do anything?”
  831. >“Nope. He’s got three first place plaques in his school’s trophy cabinet, and now he’s got another one.”
  832. “I hope he’s got a good reason for that.”
  833. >“I don’t know.”
  834. >Topic over
  835. >You go back to your meal
  836. >“So, Jake, I’m going to the Boston Marathon tomorrow. Would you like to come with me?”
  837. >Eliza doesn’t want you to go back to your meal
  838. >She must have a quota for how much social interaction you do, or something
  839. “I don’t really feel like it.”
  840. >“Are you sure? The weather is supposed to be good.”
  841. “I’d still rather not.”
  842.  
  843.  
  844. >“Why would that be?”
  845. >Great, now you need an excuse that's more convincing than the desire to be lazy
  846. >She’s concerned about Twilight
  847. >You have an idea
  848. “I’ve been trying to avoid taking my leather jacket out because I know T is a bit sensitive about that sort of thing. I never figured out why. She’s told you about her pet, right?”
  849. >Jon cuts in before Eliza can respond to your excuse and steer you back on topic
  850. >“She told me she has one. She didn’t say what it is, just that it’s not S.”
  851. “I think she considers him to be more like an adopted little brother or something. Would you mind asking her about what sort of pet it is? If it’s a carnivore, I’d like to hear how she can put up with it while being so strongly vegetarian.”
  852. >“I’ll try to remember to do that. What was that leather jacket you mentioned?”
  853. >He doesn’t remember?
  854. >That was probably the single best purchase you’ve made, and you think he was there when you made it
  855. “It’s the one I got at the clothing exchange at church for two dollars back in ’05. Don’t you remember it? It’s not like I haven’t worn it before.”
  856. >“That’s still not ringing a bell.”
  857. “I think we got it during the same trip as the time we got that Coleco Donkey Kong mini arcade machine that we sold at a sixty dollar profit margin on EBay.”
  858. >“I remember that game, but the jacket’s still not something I remember.”
  859.  
  860.  
  861. “Wasn’t I wearing it last autumn?”
  862. >“Not that I remember.”
  863. >“I remember that you didn’t. You went straight to your winter coat and left it unzipped until the beginning of November.”
  864. >Count on Jon to forget and Eliza to remember for him
  865. >“Oh, you mean the one with the torn liner?”
  866. “Yeah. The one I use as a windbreaker.”
  867. >“You could borrow one of my spare bicycling windbreakers. I’m going to get another one for volunteering at the marathon, anyway.”
  868. “What are you going to do there?”
  869. >“They need qualified HAM radio operators to help them coordinate the medical stations along the route.”
  870. “And you fit the bill along with about 300 other people in the entire state, right?”
  871. >“There are more than that. So, if you’re coming to the marathon we could carpool to get there. I’d bring one of my folding bikes to get home.”
  872. >Aaand you’ve been steered back to the topic of the marathon again
  873. >You were sort of expecting mom to be the one that would do that, but whatever
  874. “Sorry. The truth is that I really just don’t feel like going out tomorrow.”
  875. >Eliza has a mix of curiosity and concern on her face
  876. >“Any particular reason?”
  877. “I’ve got a paper due in Ethics on Friday. I don’t have the writing prompt yet, but I’d like some time to unwind before I have to write it.”
  878.  
  879.  
  880. >“When are you going to get out of the house? I’d like you to do something.”
  881. “Evan called. He said he’s having a birthday dinner on the 27th.”
  882. >“I’ll let you stay home tomorrow if you go to his dinner.”
  883. >“I was sort of hoping to ride both ways. It’s finally getting warm enough to be comfortable biking weather.”
  884. >You go back to your meal again, for real this time
  885. >The rice and beans are gone
  886. >There’s still half a quesadilla left, but you’re feeling a little full from the smoothie you ordered with this meal and a large lunch earlier today
  887. “I’m not sure I’m going to finish this. Do you want to get the bill and go?”
  888. >“We were just waiting for you to finish.”
  889. >Eliza motions to a passing waiter to get his attention
  890. >Oh hey, it’s Calvo the waiter
  891. >That’s not his actual name
  892. >It’s really Miguel or something else starting with M
  893. >You don’t remember, so you just think of him as Calvo
  894. >He’s a skinny guy who’s probably about twenty years younger than your father and twenty years older than you
  895. >You don’t know him personally, but he’s the most recognizable waiter because he’s always got a shaven head
  896. >You think he might be the owner of this place in addition to doing waiting, but you’ve never asked
  897. >He takes your plates and heads for the kitchen
  898. >He seems to go out of his way to walk by the mariachi band, and even stops by them for a moment
  899.  
  900.  
  901. >Speaking of whom, here they come now
  902. >The ‘Calle al lado del Rio Taqueria’ is too small to have a stage for them, so they just sort of wander around taking requests
  903. >Jon, Eliza, and you were all just about ready to take the bill, but Jon and Eliza were planning on staying until this happened
  904. >The lead mariachi approaches your table
  905. >“¿Tienen un solici… Pardon me. Do any of you have a request?”
  906. >Jon jumps on the opportunity to show that he’s studied Spanish and actually remembered some
  907. >“Ah, no conozco muchas canciones de mariachi, pero mi esposa y mi hijo me llevó a cenar para celebrar mi cumpleaños esta noche.”
  908. >The mariachi is slightly surprised
  909. >He probably wasn’t expecting someone so white to speak to him in his native language
  910. >This must be a new band, everyone working here knows the guy who learned Spanish from watching cheesy romantic dramas on Telemundo
  911. >The lead mariachi says something in Spanish to the mariachi with the big-bellied guitar
  912. >He speaks too quickly and quietly for you to catch what he says, even if you did remember your vocabulary
  913. >The rest of the band starts to tune their instruments while the guitar guy stops a young waiter who’s going by
  914. >This time, you think you pick out the word “flan” as he speaks to the waiter
  915. >The waiter powerwalks into the kitchen as the band forms a semicircle around your table
  916.  
  917.  
  918. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=w_pLp4Ckbpo
  919. (YouTube link: ‘Las Mañanitas,’ a slow-paced Mexican birthday song. Play it in the background as you read, and let it play all the way through.)
  920.  
  921.  
  922. >As is tradition, Jon’s getting serenaded
  923. >He’s loving every second of it
  924. >Probably because he can understand more of it than you
  925. >It sounds like it’s about hands
  926. >Something like that
  927. >Also something about waking up, birds, singing, and the moon
  928. >The half of the customers that are from this neighborhood turn to watch
  929. >They know what’s happening
  930. >You spot an elderly man mouthing the words
  931. >A few groups of the other customers notice that the attention seems to be on Jon, but it looks like they’re not sure why
  932. >They’re probably thinking “It’s just another song in Spanish. What’s so special about this one?”
  933. >You don’t blame them
  934. >If you didn’t know this was for a birthday, you wouldn’t have guessed either
  935. >It’s not a very lively tune
  936. >What you’re picking up from the lyrics is very metaphorical
  937. >It seems more like a congratulatory song than an invitation to celebrate
  938. >Pleasant enough to listen to, but you can’t enjoy it because don’t understand enough of it to know what they’re singing about
  939. >With nothing better to do, you start thinking of things to think about
  940. >You’ve been meaning to make that list for Twilight, but you’ve been thinking about that letter you got
  941.  
  942.  
  943. >Are they going to accept the apology?
  944. >Getting one or both of the princesses pissed at you for asking how they know why they exist is kind of a big deal
  945. >You included a bit about agreeing to build a computer for Twilight in your apology letter
  946. >They might as well know beforehand, because you couldn’t prevent it without making up lame excuses or flatly refusing to do it for her
  947. >You explained how that might be a risk and how you plan to deal with it, because they gave you a job to do and you’re not going to get their forgiveness easily if you fail
  948. >No sense preoccupying yourself with that
  949. >You won’t know if they’re not mad at you until you get the reply, and you have no idea when that’s coming
  950. >Whatever
  951. >Now, about that movie list
  952. >‘Forrest Gump’ might be something worth showing to her because it covers a lot of recent cultural and historical topics
  953. >Probably a few Disney movies so she can spend some time with Spike
  954. >‘Do The Right Thing’ by Spike Lee is a good one that you watched in your Social Studies Through Film class a couple of semesters back, and it would help illustrate your point about how humans are too diverse to get along all the time
  955. >‘Dr. Strangelove’ might be up her alley, assuming she’s willing to appreciate satire
  956. >Kubrick’s also got a film about space exploration and the human attitude towards computers, so ‘2001: A Space Odyssey’ might be worth showing her
  957. >Explaining the ending might be difficult
  958.  
  959.  
  960. >‘I, Robot’ covers that second topic a bit more
  961. >‘Apollo 13’ might be interesting, especially because she could appreciate the scientific aspect of it more than you
  962. >You were expecting her to mention the moon missions after she got through the encyclopedia
  963. >You thought she would have said something about that
  964. >You’ll ask her sometime later
  965. > ‘Star Wars’ episodes four through six are practically required material for someone who’s never seen anything from Hollywood before
  966. >That didn’t stop dad from watching episode 4 back when it was first released and then never seeing the others because he thought that one was silly
  967. >You’re going to get some of the classics and good modern films that you’ve been meaning to watch
  968. >You should probably ask your parents for a few suggestions as well
  969. >And you’re debating including a Vietnam War movie, because her war-ginity might as well be taken by a movie that has a message she’d agree with
  970. >There’s a bit of ‘Nam in ‘Forrest Gump,’ but it’s far from being the topic of the movie
  971. >She’s said Equestria has had wars, so it’s not like you’re corrupting something totally innocent
  972. >Whether or not she’d be willing to stick with it until it gets to the message of the movie is something you’re not sure of
  973. >You could have sworn you heard her humming ‘Gimme Shelter’ a week ago, so she might at least enjoy the soundtrack
  974. >Come to think of it, why not give her the full treatment?
  975. >Movies, books, music…
  976. >It’d keep her distracted longer
  977.  
  978.  
  979. >The mariachi song ends, immediately transitioning into a new one
  980. >You recognize the tune to this one, as do all of the non-Hispanic diners that ignored the previous song
  981.  
  982.  
  983. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rm4dmfimvwA
  984. (Youtube link: A mariachi rendition of the traditional English ‘Happy Birthday’ song with the second verse in Spanish. Play this in the background as well.)
  985.  
  986.  
  987. >Jon was loving the previous song, but now he’s really into this
  988. >Everyone in the restaurant is singing along with the band
  989. >The mariachis are doing their best to sing in English, but their accents are pretty thick
  990. >It sounds more like “happy birfday tuchu”
  991. >It’s the thought that counts
  992. >The three dozen or so native English speakers and less-accented bilinguals in the room are drowning out the imperfections with sheer numbers
  993. >Between the mariachis’ instruments and the ad-hoc choir, you can only hear their strong accent if you’re trying to listen for it
  994. >You’re singing along as well
  995. >Why not go along with the moment?
  996. >As they get to the “how old are you now” verse, the mariachis switch to Spanish
  997. >The native Spanish speakers in the restaurant don’t skip a beat
  998. >Most of the other people get partway through “how” before they realize the change happened and stop singing
  999. >You stop too, because you’re not nearly quick enough to do a literal translation of the song while singing it
  1000. >It’s the conjugation on the word “tener” that trips you up
  1001. >They ask him several times, and on the third time you spot Calvo coming out of the kitchen with the bill, the box of leftovers, and a plate that has something with a candle
  1002.  
  1003.  
  1004. >As the trumpeter plays the “and many more” flourish, Calvo puts the plate of flan and some extra spoons in front of Jon
  1005. >“On the house. Feliz cumpleaños.”
  1006. >“Muchísimas gracias, Omar.”
  1007. >“Make a wish!”
  1008. >You got the waiter’s name totally wrong
  1009. >Jon thinks for a moment, then blows out the candle
  1010. >There are a few seconds of polite clapping and some soft cheering before everyone else goes back to their meals
  1011. >Calvo/Miguel/Omar puts the bill and box of leftovers on the table
  1012. >After he leaves, the mariachi band start up an instrumental reprise
  1013. >Eliza slips her credit card into the bill and signs off on the receipt with a generous tip
  1014. >She also puts a ten and a five on the table, then makes eye contact with the lead mariachi while sliding the money toward him
  1015. >He nods in appreciation and understanding
  1016. >Jon reclines slightly in his chair
  1017. >“This was an excellent birthday. Thanks again for taking me out.”
  1018. >“You’re welcome. By the way, the waiter left a note on the receipt. He said that he knows you can’t eat any of the desserts they serve here, but he’d feel guilty if he didn’t give you anything.”
  1019. >“A gift is a gift, even if I can’t truly appreciate it.”
  1020.  
  1021.  
  1022. >He scoops the whipped cream and cherry off of the top of the flan with his spoon, then pushes the flan out into the middle of the table for you to share with your mother
  1023. >The trumpeter who was taking great care not to play into Jon’s ear raises an eyebrow
  1024. >Jon notices and turns toward him in his seat
  1025. >“Soy alérgico.”
  1026. >The trumpeter makes an unspoken “oh” with his eyebrows before returning his attention to his music
  1027. >“Well, consider this my treat to you for treating me to dinner.”
  1028. >“Honey, I’m still on my diet.”
  1029. >“Oh. Uh, I guess it’s all yours, Jake.”
  1030. “Awesome. Thanks, dad.”
  1031. >A free dessert, all to yourself?
  1032. >You’ve always got room for a free dessert
  1033. >You are one lucky guy
  1034.  
  1035.  
  1036. Steam Chat
  1037. [BerberB X][NagromSreip X]
  1038. BerberB
  1039. In-Game
  1040. Combat Mission (that old WWII RTS that I modded so the Soviets represent c…
  1041. ---------------------
  1042. BerberB: there were a couple of explosions at the finish line
  1043. BerberB: now they’re saying people are dead
  1044.  
  1045.  
  1046. ---------------------
  1047. |
  1048. ---------------------
  1049. Last message received: Monday, April 15, 2013 at 2:57 PM
  1050.  
  1051.  
  1052.  
  1053. Part 4
  1054.  
  1055. >Monday, April 15, 3:51pm, basement/study of Addams household
  1056. >Day 6 +2 months +0 weeks
  1057. >Today is the day that taxes are due from the citizens of this country
  1058. >You would have had their taxes done for them by today, but they said they didn’t want you to take on more work when you seem to be getting into a less productive but more restful sleep schedule
  1059. >Besides, they did it on their ‘computers’ almost as quickly as they could have done it with your help
  1060. >Today is also ‘Patriots Day’
  1061. >It’s starting to feel like there’s a holiday every other week
  1062.  
  1063.  
  1064. >You are Twilight Sparkle
  1065. >Jake is home
  1066. >His family is not
  1067. >There’s some ‘marathon’ event that Eliza is attending and Jon told you he had volunteered to work for
  1068. >You’d be listening to this annual event being commentated on the ‘radio,’ if only because you hope that you won’t have to be present for this event again before you go back to Equestria
  1069. >Spike and Jake didn’t want to be distracted from what they’re doing, so they’ve got the majority
  1070. >Majority says that the radio stays off, no stalling of negotiations, and you can' veto
  1071. >Jake showed no interest in listening to the ‘radio’ or going out today
  1072. >The weather seems like it’s becoming more pleasant, but he wanted to stay in because…
  1073. >Well… you’ll get to that
  1074. >You’ve made some observations about Earth’s weather
  1075. >The forecasts are saying that it’s finally starting to be spring-like
  1076. >This implies that spring should have started sooner
  1077. >There might be a lag between the time winter ends and the time spring begins due to the lack of weather control
  1078. >When they’re used to spring beginning is something you’re not sure of
  1079. >Winter Wrap Up happens in January, so by now it’s probably getting close to the first harvest of the year at Sweet Apple Acres
  1080. >You’ll ask the humans about what sort of seasonal changes they consider normal later
  1081. >Work has slowed down significantly since the studying frenzy that helped complete the ‘Canterlot Computer’
  1082. >You’re left without much to do other than study history and a few human inventions
  1083.  
  1084.  
  1085. >War, war, similarity to Equestrian or another known-but-separate culture, war
  1086. >This planet could be a windigo haven if only their magic-based feeding wouldn’t be blocked by this field that humans produce
  1087. >It might even turn out to be a symbiotic relationship if ‘global warming’ is as big a threat as some of the humans on the ‘radio’ are making it out to be
  1088. >That’s the one thing you’ve found in common between all the species that aren’t here
  1089. >All of them have some immediate reliance on magic, or were at least affected evolutionarily by magic
  1090. >What if there had been these creatures here, but they were eliminated by humans?
  1091. >You’ll never know
  1092. >Your mind wanders to this sort of thing when you’re studying, more so since the work load has decreased and your topics of study have gotten more diverse
  1093. >One thing at a time isn’t a viable option anymore
  1094. >You should have planned for that, but you were planning for dying at any second
  1095. >It hasn’t happened
  1096. >Yet
  1097. >Almost all of what you’ve studied about ‘electronics’ has been sent to Equestria with a relevant study guide and glossary
  1098. >The unicorn researchers have reported that the paper native to this planet seems to have gotten easier to manipulate with magic, but only marginally
  1099. >You’re going to need to find out exactly how humans are blocking and occasionally amplifying your magic if you want to tell the researchers why that’s happening, and you need to figure out how to do your experiments discreetly
  1100.  
  1101.  
  1102. >He’s intermittently cancelling out the enchantment
  1103. >You haven’t found a pattern that explains why he’s doing that, or if it’s intentional
  1104. >But it only seems to happen during conversations or when he’s using a ‘computer’
  1105. >Whether or not he realizes it, there’s something he’s trying to hide
  1106. >He either can’t or isn’t willing to totally cancel out the spell, because it always starts working again
  1107. >That only makes it more annoying because you can’t rely on the ‘shared eye’ to work or not work
  1108. >If you knew it would work all the time, you could count on being able to dispel and recast the viewing spell to watch him whenever you want to
  1109. >If it was totally cancelled out, you wouldn’t bother trying to get it to work, and you wouldn’t have to worry about violating his privacy if that’s something he’d care about
  1110. >What you’re stuck with is a blank screen for no reason you can discern, wasting magical energy while you wait for it to work again
  1111. >It’s a drain on your magic and it’s a frustration you could do without
  1112. >The CCU/CSGU rescue effort says that they might have a few potential locations for where you are
  1113. >They want you to try to go a day without using magic to confirm your location
  1114. >With how much magic you’re wasting trying to keep a moderately complicated companion spell going when the enchantment it relies on stops working, you might do that simply because you need a break
  1115. >Hopefully you won’t miss anything too important
  1116.  
  1117.  
  1118. >You might have already missed something important and have no idea that you did
  1119. >If Jake’s telepathic, as you suspect, he might be doing this on purpose
  1120. >Maybe even because he thinks it's funny to tease you like this
  1121. >In which case, he’s a jerk and you’re going to throw that jar at the floorboards of his bedroom an hour after he goes to sleep instead of just testing your aim on objects around the basement
  1122. >However, humans could also be able to block magic without knowing that’s what they’re doing
  1123. >What worries you is that he hasn’t directly mentioned that you’re watching him or made any new references to things that he can’t possibly know without having read your mind
  1124. >Even if he’s an isolated case of humans who are capable of telepathy, you’d think his parents would have known and told you
  1125. >And a lot of things could be chalked up to simple coincidence
  1126. >That doesn’t explain how he could know exactly what sort of pony Pinkie is
  1127. >Keep an open mind to all of the possibilities and impossibilities
  1128. >You may be wrong
  1129. >Only maybe
  1130. >You’re still upset with him
  1131. >You made him promise to be honest
  1132. >Actually, no
  1133. >He made a promise to you to be honest
  1134. >You didn’t ask him to do anything, which makes breaking that promise even worse
  1135. >Especially if he’s being an intrusive jerk and hiding things from you while pretending to be a helpful if somewhat immoral person
  1136. >That’s definitely breaking a Pinkie Promise to be honest
  1137.  
  1138.  
  1139. >You’d like him to just tell you where he heard about Pinkie already
  1140. >You wouldn’t put it past Pinkie to be so weird that she can interact with humans without actually being on this planet
  1141. >A huge missed opportunity on her part, but that would make sense
  1142. >Or it would make sense because it doesn’t make sense
  1143. >Pinkie Pie: no explanation necessary (or possible)
  1144. >You ought to send her a letter asking about that and whether Jake’s keeping his promise
  1145. >Jake was only supposed to be a test subject, as well as the target of an impulsive emotional response
  1146. >You were completely sure he was spying on you somehow, and you wanted to see if A: that’s entirely normal here, which is uncomfortable but convenient in that you can watch him and he wouldn’t mind, or B: that it’s unacceptable, which gives you a reason to call him out on something he shouldn’t be doing if he tells you to stop
  1147. >Humans are near-culturally identical to ponies and most other known sentient species, so you were banking on it being the latter for your peace of mind and security
  1148. >C would be that you’re wrong
  1149. >But you don’t KNOW that you’re wrong
  1150. >If you do find out that you’re wrong about the telepathy, you can rest easy knowing that nobody realizes they’re restricting how you use your magic, so they can’t take advantage of that
  1151.  
  1152.  
  1153. >You’re leaving the enchantment in place for now
  1154. >You’re hesitant to remove the spell because it’s a valuable asset to your ability to understand this culture
  1155. >You’ve already learned about tension between the different ethnicities and cultures of humans as well as seeing an example of a different modern culture, amongst other things
  1156. >And picked up on a few new words that you don’t want Spike to say
  1157. >Wait long enough and you’ll see what the human attitude towards this sort of privacy is
  1158. >If you find out that he wouldn’t approve and he’s not going through your memories and thoughts, you can just dispel that enchantment without him knowing that he even had an enchantment placed on him
  1159. >So you still have a justification for continuing to watch if you’re wrong, at least until you figure out whether you’d get in trouble
  1160. >You can’t say you approve of what you have seen him doing today, but you don’t have much else to do aside from studying miscellaneous bits of technology and the civilizations based around the Mediterranean Sea between 2000 and 4,500 years ago
  1161. >The two along the northern coast and central islands are the ones from the first book you read here
  1162. >An interesting tidbit you found is that a ‘marathon’ 26 mile race is named after the battle of Marathon, with the length of the race determined by how far an army had to run nonstop to get from that city to a battlefield, though a courier ran much further on the same occasion
  1163. >It has nothing to do with mares
  1164.  
  1165.  
  1166. >Notable similarities to Pegasi Empire and ancient Minoan Empire include the following: attributed with invention of indoor plumbing, number and prominence of philosophers, style of dress of citizens, armor and armament of military forces, size of ‘Roman’ Empire and Pegasi Empire, reliance on couriers and trade, identical names for Minoan and human Minoan Empires
  1167. >It’s getting harder and harder to surprise you with this sort of thing
  1168. >What did surprise you is that Jake seems to be killing for entertainment
  1169. >Not like the ‘gladiators’ were forced to, because he’s doing it on a computer
  1170. >He’s playing some sort of ‘video game’ on his computer about war
  1171. >You don’t like the way unnecessary fighting (and apparently killing) seems to be rewarded in the ‘Banjo Bear’ game Spike is playing, but you’re letting it slide for now
  1172. >What Jake’s doing tops that by so much that you don’t even want to bother comparing it
  1173. >It’s disgusting in concept and in practice, but you’re not going to understand why humans have a violent culture if you don’t witness at least some of that violence
  1174. >You’ve been dispelling and re-casting the ‘projectorless screen’ intermittently so you can work without Jake’s concept of fun distracting you from the mechanical and electrical engineering ‘web pages’ he printed out for you and his textbooks about human history
  1175. >It stops working for no known reason every few minutes, anyway
  1176.  
  1177.  
  1178. >Of all the possibilities that could be generated by billions and billions of numbers given visual and auditory representation, someone decided to make this instead of a ‘program’ that would do something useful
  1179. >And it seems as if this ‘program’ is intended as entertainment
  1180. >You’re not clear on whether this game is intended to be representative of actual human conflict, but it keeps rewarding him
  1181. >Fix something
  1182. >Number goes up
  1183. >Break something
  1184. >Number goes up
  1185. >Stand next to something
  1186. >Number goes up
  1187. >Wait for something to happen
  1188. >Number goes up
  1189. >Use some sort of firearm or explosive on another human (but only the ones who aren’t dressed a certain way)
  1190. >Number goes up
  1191. >And up and up and up
  1192. >It’s like leading a mouse around with a line of cheese crumbs
  1193. >He keeps wanting that number to go up
  1194. >So he keeps killing and performing actions auxiliary to killing in exchange for additions to that value
  1195. >The fact that he seems to enjoy it only makes it worse
  1196. >What sort of sick person takes joy in ending lives?
  1197. >You know this is just numbers, not real lives, but the idea of it sickens you
  1198. >At least part of the current human society considers war to be synonymous with entertainment
  1199. >And what he’s ignoring in favor of continuing to add to that number is unbelievable
  1200. >He hasn’t even tried to call them
  1201.  
  1202.  
  1203. >Possible effect of combat or confrontational situations causing pleasure and obliviousness to outside stimuli, possibly only youth of the species, number may be a way of stimulating this
  1204. >Not confirmed, purely speculative
  1205. >Investigate later
  1206. >Or don’t
  1207. >It might be that nothing you discover about humans matters, anyway
  1208. >After all, this very well could be an unconscious construction
  1209. >The ‘automatic transmission’ method of shifting gears on a motor is probably more important in any case
  1210. >It’s understandable that they would build devices to fit their needs, lacking magic or association with a species capable of magic
  1211. >You feel slightly foolish for your outburst now that you’ve read the summary of their history in the encyclopedia
  1212. >Of course they’d make absurdly complex machines with the sole purpose of using them to kill
  1213. >They’ve had so many wars that their arms race has been accelerated to a ludicrous rate of advancement
  1214. >But why do they keep going to war?
  1215. >There’s a reason for each individual war, sure, but some of those reasons are quite flimsy
  1216.  
  1217.  
  1218. >The ‘Crusades for the Holy Lands,’ for instance, were fought because humans were convinced that there was only one way to behave if they wanted to live after they die
  1219. >Such a claim had no empirical evidence to support it, but it was believed by millions, even the educated
  1220. >You really need to get around to asking Eliza about ‘religions’ in detail
  1221. >It’s a strange sociological phenomenon, thinking death has no consequence, and may even reward the deceased
  1222. >There’s a reasonable explanation for that, but you don’t know it yet
  1223. >The things without reasonable explanations are just as disturbing
  1224. >Jake may know things that he should have no way of knowing, possibly using telepathy without anything resembling magic, or an even more unnerving method
  1225. >If he’s slipping a tentacle into your brain as you sleep, you’re teleporting straight home regardless of whether you think you can make it
  1226. >You still have no idea how your magic could have done something so drastically different from what you wanted it to
  1227. >Magic is usually so finicky that if one point of focus is off by millimeters or the minutest detail of a mental image is wrong, the spell fizzles and nothing happens
  1228. >You know you did the spell right, though it did feel…weird
  1229. >You always triple check your calculations for a teleportation, so it can’t be that
  1230. >Magic is only supposed to do exactly what you want it to do
  1231. >But somehow, you ended up on a planet that was just right for you to have initially confused it for your own
  1232.  
  1233.  
  1234. >You have no idea how any of this is possible within reason
  1235. >You have no idea how two completely separate cultures and biospheres could be so similar
  1236. >You have no idea how you, a single alicorn born as a unicorn, could teleport yourself so far that even scientific notation wouldn’t be adequate for representing how many miles you’ve traveled
  1237. >It reeks of impossibilities
  1238. >You’re noticing a bit of possible symbolism that could indicate that this is a dream
  1239. >Some of the humans have traits that are comparable to ponies that you know, including your friends
  1240. >Jon has a mixture of Pinkie’s lack of seriousness and Rainbow Dash’s affinity for exercise, but with an academic twist
  1241. >Jake’s representative of your discomfort with your brother’s career and cutie mark
  1242. >Eliza’s organized like you, compassionate yet forceful like Celestia, and has the same occupation as Cheerilee
  1243. >Spike is…
  1244. >He’s Spike
  1245. >You’ve known him for just over a decade, so of course he’s going to be in your dreams
  1246. >There’s not much to interpret from that
  1247. >There are also the hallmarks of a nightmare
  1248. >Fear of never seeing home again
  1249. >Fear of death
  1250. >Fear of war
  1251. >Fear of losing your magic
  1252. >Fear of being controlled
  1253. >Monstrosities
  1254.  
  1255.  
  1256. >You’re still holding off on sending a letter to Celestia about humans being able to live while being physically bereft of magic and interfering with your magic
  1257. >If she showed that to the scientists, that wouldn’t just cause a riot
  1258. >You might lose all of your credibility with the scientists that have no choice but to take every word you write as truth until they can verify it for themselves
  1259. >And then what?
  1260. >Would the Canterlot School for Gifted Unicorns faculty/Canterlot Court Unicorns rescue effort give up on you too?
  1261. >What if Celestia herself doesn’t believe it?
  1262. >You’re not sure what to expect from her
  1263. >She did something you didn’t anticipate recently
  1264. >That candy Spike sent to Pinkie got intercepted by a small group of feral dragons
  1265. >Those dragons then went to Canterlot, mailpony in tow
  1266. >They presented the shaken but mostly unharmed mailpony as a sign of no ill intentions
  1267. >They claimed that they’d caught the scent of that candy and, after apprehending the mailpony, learned that this candy was somehow from another world which is currently the focus of a scientific revolution
  1268. >With all modesty that’s due, you’re entirely responsible for said revolution (now THAT is an objective fact!)
  1269.  
  1270.  
  1271. >That mailpony is lucky that they were all the type of dragon that’s old and wise enough to know that they’d get nothing out of rampaging about just because they can
  1272. >Dragons around the age of 35 are dangerous because they’re physically and mentally mature but still willing to abuse the raw strength that they wield
  1273. >The most dangerous are the ones that spontaneously mature physically, as you learned from Zecora and personal experience
  1274. >The ones that intercepted the mailpony were all in the 125-150 range, but one of them claimed to be 200 years old
  1275. >Celestia said they were welcome to stay and help
  1276. >Rare elder dragon or not, letting even one of them join in on the research doesn’t seem like a good decision to you
  1277. >Some of them left to get other dragons who might be able to help, so who knows how many will end up stomping around Canterlot?
  1278. >Nearly 25 years beyond natural draconic life expectancy and with wisdom surpassed by few other than Celestia and Luna, but capable of crushing a pony, griffon, or possibly a minotaur with a misstep or starting an inferno with a sneeze
  1279. >There’s too much chance of something tragic happening
  1280.  
  1281.  
  1282. >Like the stallion that flew into the side of a building because he couldn’t see through the glare coming off of the ‘heliostat generator array’ on Friday
  1283. >He’s not going to be able to fly again for months, and it’s going to be at least one month before he can even walk again
  1284. >Celestia had such high hopes for that method of generating ‘electricity’ to power the ‘Canterlot Computer,’ but now the prototype ‘solar array’ is under a covering until further notice
  1285. >Humans seem to have a knack for making discoveries that would be overlooked in favor of magic or missed entirely by conventional societies
  1286. >And killing eachother, but the point is that they’ve made devices that are ingeniously simple but undeniably useful, and some of them are actually better than their magical equivalents
  1287. >All the other methods for generating ‘electricity’ involve some form of kinetic energy being converted by running magnets through coils of copper
  1288. >Retrofitting a dam for ‘hydroelectric’ generation or rigging a bunch of windmills to act as ‘dynamos’ would require a quarter of the scientists currently in Canterlot to go to a remote location just to supervise the labor
  1289. >And they wouldn’t get to study your findings as soon as you send them, which they’d definitely consider to be too major a downside to be willing to volunteer for that job
  1290.  
  1291.  
  1292. >The only logistically feasible option was to purchase and repurpose several steam engines
  1293. >Not the best alternative, seeing how the Canterlot weather teams can only keep the wind blowing away from town for so long before it starts to disrupt the pre-planned weather for miles around
  1294. >They’re trying to devise an alternate weather pattern that would allow them to do this more often, but until then they have to shut down the computer whenever the wind needs to be shifted in a direction that would get soot all over the upper-class citizenry’s expensive clothing
  1295. >Despite the protests of the Canterlot citizenry, the ‘Canterlot Computer’ is up and running
  1296. >Sometimes it even works
  1297. >14,000 ‘bytes’ of ‘random access memory,’ 256,000 ‘bytes’ of ‘read only memory,’ and a ‘processor’ working at a frequency of 3,000,000 ‘hertz’
  1298. >And it only takes up half as much space as the engineers were anticipating
  1299. >Jake did them a favor by giving you those ‘calculators’ last month
  1300. >They have a decent opinion of the humans you’re lodging with
  1301. >Of course, they probably don’t know the humans as well as you do
  1302.  
  1303.  
  1304. >Jake is callous and apathetic, but still helping you for some reason
  1305. >Jon’s weird and stubborn, but knowledgeable
  1306. >Eliza was the one who confronted you and lowered your productivity, but that was for your own good and the demand for new work dropped shortly afterward
  1307. >But you’re certain that they don’t know that the humans of this region, and possibly everyhuman, is secretly a zombie that can control how a unicorn uses the most valuable part of their body
  1308. >This has to be a nightmare
  1309. >You’re stranded on a planet where the dominant species can control your body and possibly read your mind at will, on top of being animate corpses
  1310. >So you’re constantly preoccupied with the ultimate violations of independence and privacy, as well as the possibility of a spontaneous death
  1311. >You’re without any way of knowing when those will happen or how to prevent any of them
  1312. >If only you were still blissfully ignorant to that
  1313. >This place was okay, at least until you started finding out about all the nasty things here
  1314. >You can’t ask for much when you’re getting free lodging and meals
  1315. >But you would prefer it to be somewhere safe and corpse-less
  1316. >You want to know everything you can
  1317. >Sometimes you wish you didn’t have that drive
  1318. >But you’re doing this for the benefit of so many others, so you grin and bear the burden
  1319. >And lie like there’s no tomorrow
  1320.  
  1321.  
  1322. >That’s life
  1323. >You’re seeing more and more that suggests Jake doesn’t care about life
  1324. >He has basic survival instincts, but he consciously seems not to care about life in general
  1325. >Over an hour ago, the computer showed a message that there were explosions at the finish line of the ‘marathon’ race which had killed people
  1326. >And what does he do after he sees that message?
  1327. >He goes straight back to playing this lurid game and he’s been doing nothing but that for the last hour
  1328. >Jon and Eliza are there, and they could be hurt
  1329. >Shouldn’t he at least care about them from a practical standpoint?
  1330. >They’re the ones who have the most responsibility over the household, so what happens to them affects him
  1331. >It’s been over an hour since he got that message, but he hasn’t done anything
  1332. >He hasn’t even turned the ‘radio’ on
  1333. >You want to go upstairs and tell him he’s missing something, but that would arouse suspicion
  1334. >You’ve been restraining yourself from doing so
  1335. >After all, how would you know?
  1336. >It sounds like a ‘car’ is coming
  1337. >You’re hoping it’s Jon and Eliza
  1338. >You hear the engine stop and someone comes inside shortly afterwards
  1339. >Only one person
  1340. >Their footsteps rapidly approach Jake’s room
  1341. >“Jake, did you hear?”
  1342. >That’s Eliza, but where is Jon?
  1343. >“I heard. Berber sent me a message about it.”
  1344. >Oh, so he did notice
  1345. >There’s your cue to head upstairs and act surprised
  1346.  
  1347.  
  1348. >You open the door to see Eliza leaning into Jake’s room
  1349. “What’s happening?”
  1350. >“There was some sort of explosion at the marathon. That’s all I heard.”
  1351. >Note: don’t mention number of explosions
  1352. >“Where’s dad?”
  1353. >Odd, he beat you to asking where Jon is
  1354. >“I don’t know. The cellphone network is overloaded. I tried to call him, but everyone is making calls to see if someone they know is hurt. I tried to call you after I couldn’t call Jon.”
  1355. >“I didn’t get any calls. Do you know what aid station he was at?”
  1356. >Taking that at face value, most humans may legitimately care about death
  1357. >It’s getting easier to pretend to be surprised
  1358. >“I’m not sure.”
  1359. >“Wait, what’s going on?”
  1360. >Spike finally notices the commotion
  1361. “Some sort of explosion happened at the race today. We don’t know where Jon is.”
  1362. >“What sort of explosion? What happened?”
  1363. >“We need to check the news. Spike, shut down your game.”
  1364. >“Can I leave it running? Does it work like that?”
  1365. >“It does, but we’re not going to run up the electric bill if we don’t need to. Save the game and shut it down.”
  1366.  
  1367.  
  1368. >The hours tick by
  1369. >You’re transfixed yet repulsed by what you see on the ‘television’
  1370. >You realize now that you haven’t had much opportunity to see the ‘television’ in use for its original purpose of receiving images and sound from a remote location
  1371. >Spike has been using it during most of his waking hours
  1372. >Not now, though
  1373. >You put him to bed early
  1374. >He shouldn’t have to see this
  1375.  
  1376. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CdgGj7wON10
  1377. (YouTube link: ABC news’ broadcast from the night of April 15, 2013, which includes several angles of the blasts and some surprisingly bloody footage of the aftermath. Watch at least until the 3:00 mark, but ideally you should watch until the 7:00 mark. 7:00 onward is a witness interview that I didn’t find particularly interesting, but suit yourself.)
  1378.  
  1379. >The ‘television’ news is a lot like the ‘radio’ news
  1380. >More or less the same, but with pictures
  1381. >At least as far as you can tell it is, because they’ve been talking about nothing but the bombing on both of those devices for nearly two hours
  1382. >This is the first time you’ve seen the outside world at night
  1383. >Humans must have a lot of electricity to spare if they can have non-gas lamps lining their streets
  1384. >Interesting, but that’s a side note to why you’re watching
  1385.  
  1386.  
  1387. >Two bombs went off
  1388. >You’ve seen footage of one of the blasts
  1389. >It keeps getting shown again and again
  1390. >The crowds at the sides of the road are cheering the runners approaching the finish line
  1391. >A digital stopwatch is counting the time since the race started on the sign above the finish line
  1392. >At four hours, nine minutes, forty three seconds, everything is normal
  1393. >The only remarkable thing is the two humans in white shirts pushing some sort of carriage towards the finish line
  1394. >4:09:44
  1395. >There’s a puff of smoke inside one of the crowds
  1396. >The banners and flags lining the sides of the roads shift direction for an instant, the ones that were previously limp and windless jump in surprise
  1397. >One of the runners, an older male who was at least 30 meters from the blast, stumbles and falls
  1398. >The policehumans in bright vests all reach for objects on their belts and begin to run towards the smoke
  1399. >3 dead, ~150 injured with several requiring amputations, and the count is still rising
  1400. >The police are claiming that the explosions appear to have been intentional
  1401. >Possibly an act of ‘terrorism’ to intimidate and shatter a sense of security
  1402. >It didn’t work on you
  1403. >You were already intimidated and you didn’t feel safe
  1404. >The ‘War on Terror’ is being fought here
  1405. >You knew this would happen
  1406. >Their history is continual war
  1407. >It was only a matter of time until you were caught in a warzone
  1408. >Nobody has heard from Jon
  1409. >Eliza isn’t sure where he was stationed along the race’s route
  1410.  
  1411.  
  1412. >It didn’t look like there was any sort of medical station near the blasts, but you’re still worried
  1413. >Your research partner may be dead
  1414. >More so than usual
  1415. >Statistically, he’s more likely to be wounded and even likelier to be in good health, but stuck at the ‘marathon’
  1416. >In any case, he’s incapacitated and can’t help you
  1417. >That would be…
  1418. >Inconvenient
  1419. >Yeah, inconvenient
  1420. >He’s not someone you have a personal relationship with
  1421. >How could someone have a reciprocal personal relationship with a dead person?
  1422. >That would just be silly!
  1423. >Dead people can’t do anything, let alone hold a conversation!
  1424. >It would hinder the research being done to merge human and Equestrian knowledge, but you could do it without him
  1425. >You don’t want to do it without him
  1426. >Solely for practical reasons
  1427. >Okay, fine, he’s as much of a “friend” as a mortified molester of magic can be
  1428. >A lot of the relationship is practical, but there’s a tiny smidgeon that isn’t
  1429. >He claims to have been especially bookish during his youth, which is something you can identify with
  1430. >Having a local to explain what’s different here is useful
  1431. >And a lot is different because this planet is a ball of unmanaged pandemonium
  1432.  
  1433.  
  1434. >No weather management, no one making sure the birds migrate on time, the time of sunrise and sunset is changing each day, you’ve been told that the lunar calendar doesn’t match the calendar that humans use, and the dominant species is simultaneously alive and dead
  1435. >The only certainty here is war
  1436. >War, war, war, war, war
  1437. >Door
  1438. >Someone’s opening the kitchen door
  1439. >Stay put, get ready to hide behind the ‘television’ in case it’s someone new
  1440. >“Jon!”
  1441. >“Honey, this is why I prefer to work from home.”
  1442. >It’s him
  1443. >You dart through the hallway
  1444. >You hear a door opening behind you and the kitchen door closing over your rapid hoofbeats
  1445. >You see Jon and Eliza embracing in the kitchen
  1446. >Your momentum carries you forward
  1447. >The amount of planning you put into this action was insufficient
  1448. >You’re going to run right into their legs
  1449. >You beat your wings in a sad attempt at air braking
  1450. >Your lack of practice with these new limbs causes you not only to continue forward, but to rise almost two feet as well
  1451. >Now you’re going to run into their upper torsos
  1452. >That would probably bowl them over entirely
  1453. >Oh dear, what did ‘First Timer’s Flight Guide’ say about this?
  1454. >No time
  1455. >Just do what you’ve always seen the pegasi do
  1456. >Wings in, shift weight rearwards, spread wings with trailing edge perpendicular to direction of travel
  1457. >Dash makes this look a lot easier than it actually is
  1458. >You’re slowing, but not enough to avoid a collision
  1459.  
  1460.  
  1461. >You flap frantically to try and slow yourself further, spreading your forelegs to avoid punching either of them
  1462. >Close eyes and brace
  1463. >Contact
  1464. >You’ve slowed down just barely enough to bump them without affecting their balance
  1465. >Straight into the logo on a new jacket John is wearing
  1466. >It’s a solid blue (inaccurate) depiction of a unicorn framed by a circle and the words ‘Boston Athletic Association’
  1467. >You’re still flapping
  1468. >These wings have minds of their own sometimes
  1469. >Conscious motor control is more precise than reflexive motor control, but reflexive motor-
  1470. >Irrelevant, wings still flapping, corrective action required
  1471. >You grab on to both of them with your forelegs to prevent yourself from flying backwards
  1472. >This brings you into a relatively stable hover
  1473. >Something brushes past your left wing
  1474. >You open your eyes
  1475. >Jake is embracing his father
  1476. >He must have been just behind you
  1477. >You’ve somehow managed to get yourself into a group hug with all of the humans of this household
  1478. >This is a situation you find slightly uncomfortable
  1479. >If anyone asks, that was what you intended to do from the start
  1480. >You daren’t let go for fear of ending the moment prematurely
  1481. >You also don’t want to lose control again
  1482. >Wings are difficult to use
  1483. >The hug continues for approximately three quarters of a minute, ending when Eliza backs away from Jon while keeping a hold on his shoulders
  1484.  
  1485.  
  1486. >You drop to your hooves
  1487. >“Jon, what happened? We couldn’t get through to you!”
  1488. >“They had all the volunteers stay at their posts. I tried to call you again and again, but it wouldn’t work.”
  1489. >“Where were you stationed?”
  1490. >“Nowhere close to the explosions. I wish I had been closer, because I felt so useless sitting there. I wanted to do something to help.”
  1491. >Jake begins to ask questions
  1492. >“Could you hear the police radio? Do you know what’s going on?”
  1493. >“I probably could have listened in, now that you mention it, but it didn’t occur to me. I was supposed to keep on the channel for event organization. All I know other than this being some sort of terrorist attack is that another station was treating a man who hit his head after he had too much beer and tried to vault one of the barriers. It took over an hour to get an ambulance to him.”
  1494. >“It’s good to see you’re alright, but how is he?”
  1495. >“I hope he’s okay. An hour is a long time to have a head wound untreated”
  1496. >Eliza pulls him close again
  1497. >“We’re just glad you’re safe.”
  1498.  
  1499.  
  1500. >The trio hug again
  1501. >You were there earlier, so it would be rude not to join them
  1502. >You get up onto your hind legs, grasping at their midsections with your forelegs
  1503. >“It’s good to know you all care… especially you, Twilight. We’ve only known each other for two months.”
  1504. “I don’t think there’s too short a time to know someone before you care about whether they’re safe.”
  1505. >Okay, maybe you had the wrong opinion about these humans
  1506. >That doesn’t change the fact that they’re freaks who are constantly molesting your horn, but you might have been wrong about their society being intrinsically violent
  1507. >That was in the books and on the ‘computers’
  1508. >This is what you’re seeing right now
  1509. >It appears to be genuine
  1510. >You’ll give them another chance
  1511. >But you’re not letting your guard down
  1512.  
  1513.  
  1514. Steam Chat
  1515. [BerberB X][NagromSreip X]
  1516. NagromSreip
  1517. Offline
  1518. ---------------------
  1519. NagromSreip: http://www.youtube.com/watch?pb=W5tnGydr
  1520. PainedUlnar: That link doesn’t go anywhere
  1521. NagromSreip: oops
  1522. NagromSreip: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sa0Q5OwnVuQ
  1523. PainedUlnar: Oh goddammit Don
  1524. PainedUlnar: Why do you send me brogre stuff all the time?
  1525. PainedUlnar: And why does that mashup work so well?
  1526. NagromSreip: It’s not a mashup
  1527. NagromSreip: It’s a song with LAYERS
  1528. PainedUlnar: I’ve got to finish this paper. See you in the morning.
  1529. NagromSreip: K bye
  1530. PainedUlnar: Good morning.
  1531. PainedUlnar: I rolled over in bed, pulled out my laptop, and the first words out of my mouth are “what the shit is going on?”
  1532. PainedUlnar: So yeah, you’re going to have to build a ghillie suit and sneak dat shit by yourself if you want to go to school today.
  1533. PainedUlnar: But you probably don’t want to go.
  1534. PainedUlnar: Have fun trying not to get shot either way.
  1535.  
  1536. ---------------------
  1537. |
  1538. ---------------------
  1539. Last message received: Thursday, April 18, 2013 at 11:38 PM
  1540.  
  1541.  
  1542.  
  1543. Part 5
  1544.  
  1545. >Friday, April 19, 9:05am
  1546. >Day ‘Eliza is home, but it’s Friday’ on Earth
  1547. >You are Spike
  1548. >Eliza is home, but it’s Friday
  1549. >She ought to have left hours ago to teach at that school for humans
  1550. >You were surprised to find her when you woke up, because she’s usually gone long before that
  1551. >Twilight has been getting you up earlier and earlier for some reason, but never early enough to see Eliza before she leaves
  1552. >But here she is in the kitchen
  1553. >She made toast for you, even
  1554. >You could have made it yourself, but she insisted
  1555. >*ding*
  1556. >And now you have to wait for her to get the toast from the toaster
  1557. >You know what they say
  1558. >All toasters toast toast
  1559. >Those videos were pretty funny
  1560. >Sort of weird that Jake hasn’t offered to show you any more of them or shown you how to use the other computers
  1561. >Not that you mind, because you’re making progress on ‘Banjo Kazooie’ and he said that he has the next game in that series for when you finish
  1562. >Eliza gathers a plate, knife, jelly, and the extra crispy toasted bread
  1563. >She lays it all out on the table for you, and you start to spread the jelly on your toast
  1564. “Thank you.”
  1565. >“You’re more than welcome.”
  1566. “So, uh, why are you here?”
  1567. >“Pardon?”
  1568. “Why aren’t you at school? Is today a holiday too?”
  1569. >“No. The police said they want everyone to stay indoors.”
  1570. >That’s easy enough for you and Twilight
  1571. “Is something happening again?”
  1572. >“One of the people who bombed the marathon is on the loose.”
  1573.  
  1574.  
  1575. >You hear Jake say something like “a ship is blowing its horns” from inside his room
  1576. >You couldn’t hear him very well, but that’s what it sounded like
  1577. >Eliza walks off to his room
  1578. >She tells him to stay home today
  1579.  
  1580. >Works for us. We’re stuck in Banjo Kazooie.
  1581. >I’m telling you, we’re doing it wrong
  1582. >There has to be an easier way
  1583. >And he’s going to tell us what it is.
  1584. >We’re missing something
  1585. >He told us to pay attention, and there’s something we’re missing
  1586. >Worry later. Food now.
  1587. >Wait, we sent Pinkie another bag of those M&M candies, right?
  1588. >We did on Tuesday
  1589. >Oh, okay. I just had a little panic attack for a second.
  1590.  
  1591.  
  1592. >One and a half hours later, Jake is up
  1593. >No school for him means no candy for you
  1594. >But it does mean he can get up whenever he wants
  1595. >Which means he didn’t until it was 10 in the morning
  1596. >He’s just having breakfast now
  1597. >He said something about having to finish a paper last night, so you didn’t want to bother him about this then
  1598. >Fan blades all over the place, and no way past them
  1599. >At least no way you can see
  1600. >You’ve gotten every other gold puzzle piece on ‘Rusty Bucket Bay,’ but the one in the engine room of the ship is impossible to get
  1601. >The blades move too fast
  1602. >You can get past one or two fans before the next one knocks you off of the pipes and into a bottomless pit
  1603. >You’ve scoured the level for some way to slow the blades down
  1604. >There’s nothing
  1605. >Nothing you’ve found, at least
  1606. “Jake, are you done with breakfast yet?”
  1607. >“Give me a minute!”
  1608.  
  1609. >There’s no way we’re doing this right
  1610. >Nothing else in the game has been this hard
  1611. >We’ll wait for him. He probably knows what we’re doing wrong.
  1612. >I say we figure out what we’re doing wrong before he does
  1613. >He thinks we’re really good at this for a beginner
  1614. >This is going to be the first time we’ve needed help from him
  1615. >If we don’t ask him for help and do this on our own, he’ll still think we’re super good
  1616. >Okay, genius, how are we going to do that?
  1617. >We didn’t figure out where the other jiggies in ‘Clanker’s Cavern’ were
  1618. >It might have something to do with that
  1619.  
  1620.  
  1621. >But we’re talking about this level. It’s probably here.
  1622. >But there wasn’t anything here
  1623. >We just need to look harder.
  1624. >We’ve looked everywhere
  1625. >Well, I don’t feel like going all the way back there to check. We’re staying here.
  1626. >I’m telling you
  1627. >We’re missing something that’s not here
  1628.  
  1629. >You hear him putting away the dishes
  1630. >“So, what’s up?”
  1631.  
  1632. >Here he comes.
  1633.  
  1634. “I can’t figure this part out.”
  1635. >“Oh, how the mighty have fallen. So, where are you?”
  1636. “Rusty Bucket Bay.”
  1637. >Jake leans over your shoulder
  1638. >“Oh. This part? I thought it would be obvious.”
  1639. “Yeah… but it’s not. I can’t get past the fan blades without getting hit.”
  1640. >He doesn’t say anything
  1641. >You’ve made a mistake somewhere, and it’s a big one
  1642. >You turn to look towards him
  1643. >He’s already looking at you, and turning to him made immediate eye contact
  1644. >“You got the invincibility move, right?”
  1645. “Is that in this level?”
  1646. >“No.”
  1647.  
  1648. >Told you
  1649. >Shut up.
  1650.  
  1651. “Is it in the level with the big snowhuman? I never figured out what that ice key was for.”
  1652. >“We call those snowmen, and no. It’s in Clanker’s Cavern.”
  1653.  
  1654. >I told you
  1655. >Shut up.
  1656.  
  1657. “I couldn’t find a few jiggies there.”
  1658. >“Why didn’t you tell me about that sooner?”
  1659. “I thought I could do it myself, or I had to go back to it later, or something.”
  1660. >“Go back to Clanker’s Cavern and try to find them again. Let me know if you’re still having trouble.”
  1661.  
  1662.  
  1663. >Thirty minutes later, you’ve found nothing
  1664. >You’ve looked in the entry area, all the underwater spots, and on top of the pipes
  1665. >No progress made
  1666. >It has to be something obvious
  1667. >But you have no idea what
  1668. “Jake, I’ve got nothing.”
  1669. >“Be there in a sec.”
  1670. >He walks out of his room
  1671. >“Alright, I’m not sure how you didn’t find it. You knocked out the golden teeth on Clanker, right?”
  1672. “Yeah.”
  1673. >“Swim inside the holes they leave behind.”
  1674. “That’s what Clanker said to do, but that would mean he’d eat Banjo.”
  1675. >“It doesn’t do anything bad.”
  1676. “You sure?”
  1677. >“Sure as sure gets.”
  1678. “It’s just the sort of thing that seems like a trap, is all.”
  1679. >“You could also go in through his gills.”
  1680. “Oh. I hadn’t thought to try that. I’d only gone past them a few times and they didn’t look like they were open wide enough to fit inside.”
  1681. >“You have to wait until they swing all the way open. Try it.”
  1682. >You swim Banjo over to the gills
  1683. >Sure enough, it works
  1684. >It’s all gross and fleshy inside, but you’re in and you didn’t get Banjo hurt
  1685. >“See what I mean about paying attention to details?”
  1686. “I guess.”
  1687. >“That’s not even half of it. How many seconds did you get to complete the maze inside the pyramid in the Gobi Desert level?”
  1688. “I don’t remember.”
  1689. >“Well, you’re going to need to.”
  1690. “Wow, seriously?”
  1691. >“Super seriously. I’m going to go get you a pencil and some paper.”
  1692.  
  1693.  
  1694. >Jake walks off in the direction of the kitchen
  1695. >I had my doubts about this game.
  1696. >But it has been fun
  1697. >It has, but it’s asking us to do some dumb stuff now.
  1698. >Jake returns with the items he promised
  1699. >“Start by writing down all the stuff that Gruntilda’s sister told you.”
  1700. >Favorite magazine, pastime, yadda yadda yadda…
  1701.  
  1702. >This is some really stupid stuff.
  1703. >I don’t mind
  1704. >Hang on, I just thought of something
  1705.  
  1706. “So is the one about the timer for the maze the only one I need, or…”
  1707. >“You’re going to need to write down just about every one.”
  1708. “But I don’t think there’s a way to do some of those puzzles over again. Is there?”
  1709. >“There’s one way.”
  1710. >The next four words are words you didn’t want to hear
  1711. >“Start a new file.”
  1712.  
  1713. >Oh are you kidding me?!
  1714. >Okay, so maybe it is kind of dumb
  1715.  
  1716. “Are you serious?”
  1717. >“You could just go through the rest of the game and get to the quiz part without the answers so you’ll get really frustrated then, or you could start a new save where you write down all the answers and breeze through the quiz at the end. I’m not saying you need to. I’m just saying that I think you should.”
  1718. “So I have to do it all over again and write down everything?”
  1719. >“Just about.”
  1720. “Even the alligator game in Bubblegloop Swamp?”
  1721. >“You might be able to get away with skipping that one, but it would be safest if you didn’t.”
  1722. “Ugh…”
  1723. >“Sorry. I’m just saying what I think is the best thing for you to do at this point. You don't have to if you don't want to.”
  1724.  
  1725.  
  1726. >Are we doing this? I say we don’t. We can deal with the quiz when we get to it.
  1727. >Remember that time you had a whole bucket of strawberry ice cream in one go
  1728. >Yes.
  1729. >Remember how I said I’d never let you be the one who makes long term plans again
  1730. >Fine…
  1731.  
  1732. >You hit the pause button
  1733. >Save and quit
  1734. >Main menu
  1735. >New game
  1736. >“I’m really sorry about this.”
  1737. “Don’t be. I’m making my choice.”
  1738. >“I… well, okay.”
  1739.  
  1740. >This is some really, really, really stupid stuff the game is making us do.
  1741. >Sort of, but it’s for something good later
  1742. >I don’t want later.
  1743. >And that’s what gets us indigestion
  1744. >This isn’t fun anymore.
  1745. >It’d be less fun later if we didn’t do this
  1746.  
  1747. >“Spike.”
  1748. >Jake is kneeling down beside the couch
  1749. >“Don’t worry. It’s going to go a lot quicker now that you know where to go and what to do.”
  1750. “I guess… it’s annoying, though.”
  1751. >“I’m sure there are a few parts you’d like to replay.”
  1752. “The sled race was sort of fun.”
  1753. >“You’ll be back up to speed before you know it. You’re a thigh high pinball wizard. You've got this.”
  1754.  
  1755. >Did he just call us…?
  1756. >Yup
  1757. >Oh, we’re not leaving that unanswered.
  1758.  
  1759.  
  1760. “Who’re you calling thigh high?”
  1761. >He stands up to full height and looks around
  1762. >He doesn’t find what he’s looking for, so he locks eyes with you
  1763. >“It must be you. There’s nobody else in the room as short as you, thigh high.”
  1764. “Don’t you call me thigh high, cargo butt.”
  1765.  
  1766. >Hah! That’ll show him!
  1767. >Wait, are you actually mad at him or what
  1768. >What’s going on
  1769.  
  1770. >“Hey! Who are you calling cargo butt?”
  1771. >You take a look around
  1772. >Nobody else is here, so you stare him back in the eye
  1773. “There isn’t anyone else in the room who gives me a face full of the rear of his cargo pants every time he turns around. It must be you.”
  1774. >“Don’t you call me cargo butt, thigh high.”
  1775. “And don’t you call me thigh high, cargo butt.”
  1776.  
  1777. >He’s still looking us in the eye. I’m going to stare him down.
  1778. >Are you mad about this
  1779. >Sort of. I want to see how long he lasts.
  1780. >…
  1781. >Five seconds. He blinked.
  1782. >So did we
  1783. >We’re not breaking off.
  1784. >Okay, whatever
  1785. >I… wait, there’s a twitch on our lips.
  1786. >Uh oh, gotta keep that down.
  1787. >Stone faced. Stay stone faced.
  1788. >A snicker leaked out just there
  1789. >You’re losing it
  1790. >So is he. He almost smiled. I’ve got this.
  1791. >Stone faced.
  1792. >Stayyyyyy… oh, forget it. I can’t stay mad at this guy.
  1793.  
  1794.  
  1795. “Hahahah… ohh… nicknames?”
  1796. >You put out your left claw towards him and ball it into a fist
  1797. >He makes a fist with his right hand
  1798. >“Heh… yeah. Nicknames.”
  1799. >Bump
  1800.  
  1801. >I have no idea what just happened
  1802. >And that’s why you’ll always need me to stick around.
  1803.  
  1804. >“Really, though. You’ll be ready for the quiz in no time.”
  1805. “Thanks.”
  1806. >“I’m sure you know what to do, so I’m going to go make sure my professor got the paper I sent him. Call me if you forgot anything.”
  1807. “Will do.”
  1808. >He walks out of the living room and into his bedroom
  1809.  
  1810. >Okay, back to the game.
  1811. >Nice to have someone who's willing to look out for us like that, even though he's telling us to do something we don't want to.
  1812. >Blah blah blah, tutorial, blah blah blah…
  1813. >Just teach Kazooie how to walk already.
  1814. >Up the spiral hill thing, across the br*uuUrrrP*
  1815. >Into the stream below the bridge.
  1816. >No royal seal, no witnesses. We’re reading this.
  1817.  
  1818.  
  1819. Hi Twi!
  1820.  
  1821. Yeah, about that Pinkie promise. Overall, it’s being kept, but in a really strange way. Understanding why
  1822. was sort of complicated, and involved a bunch of dictionaries. AJ helped too, but that’s sort of obvious
  1823. because this is about honesty and not lying and being truthful and you get the idea. Really, why
  1824. wouldn’t I call in the Element of Honesty for this? Everything about it is so confusing! Now, the really
  1825. weird part is that he IS kind of lying. That’s dishonest, right? That’s what I thought, but I was wrong! He’s
  1826. being honest while not telling the truth! Everything about that is just so kooky! Finding something kooky
  1827. by my standards means it’s REALLY kooky, right? (It is.) Really, really kooky. Speaking of kooky, that
  1828. reminds me of cookies, which I’m baking, and they smell delicious because one batch is sugar cookies
  1829. and the other batch is chocolate chip, and soon I won’t have to make two batches to get that smell!
  1830. They should be ready by the time that you finish the last sentence of this letter which would be just
  1831. about… now.
  1832.  
  1833. Eating cookies and thinking of you,
  1834. Pinkie!
  1835.  
  1836. And no, I haven't met any humans before. I've got a list of some that I want to meet eventually, but we've
  1837. all got our little fantasies, right?
  1838.  
  1839.  
  1840. >*BuuuuRRp*
  1841. >This one has your name on the outside
  1842. >Also a few specks of dried chocolate
  1843.  
  1844.  
  1845. From: Pinkie Pie
  1846. To: Spike
  1847.  
  1848. Spike, THIS IS THE BEST CANDY EVER! This was too good to keep to myself, and the Cakes thought
  1849. the same when they had some. Awesome doesn’t even start to describe the taste. “Really Ultra Super
  1850. Awesome” is better, but I’m still working on how to describe it. Somepony with a bit of expertise in
  1851. candy was needed to help replicate this, so they got Bon Bon to come help while I went to Twilight’s
  1852. library to get some sciency stuff to help us sciencify the science out of these things. We’ve determined
  1853. that the candy is composed of sugar and chocolate, beakers break a lot easier than we expected, and
  1854. also that I’m about three times as weird as Lyra is. It’s not much, but PROGRESS!! Rainbow Dash said
  1855. she’d be willing to take personal letters and candy deliveries like this in the future, and maybe only eat a
  1856. little of the candy while she’s flying back from Canterlot, so don’t worry about any more of these getting
  1857. stole’d by big meanypants dragons. Laters!
  1858.  
  1859. Oh, and Rarity says hi. Or at least I think she was trying to say hi. “Hi” and “help” sound really similar
  1860. when the person saying them is tangled inside 15 mega XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXL size canvas lab coats.
  1861.  
  1862.  
  1863. >Wow, no wonder we haven’t heard from Rarity.
  1864. >Isn’t there someone else who could make lab coats
  1865. >She probably offered to make all of them herself. You know how she gets when she gives herself an obligation.
  1866. >True, true
  1867.  
  1868.  
  1869. >Five hours later, Eliza goes outside for the first time today
  1870. >They couldn’t find whoever it was that they were looking for, so she’s going out for a walk
  1871. >Meanwhile, you’re taking notes
  1872. >How many windows on buildings, how long you’re given to do things, everything everyone says
  1873. >Boring stuff
  1874. >And you’ve only just unlocked the third level
  1875. >This is going to take at least a day
  1876. >It’s probably going to take all weekend
  1877. >You’re starting to feel like you’re trying to replace Twilight
  1878. >She’s seemed sort of frazzled lately, but not much
  1879. >She told you not to worry about it
  1880. >It’s just that she keeps jumping between topics of study
  1881. >She’s a horrible liar
  1882. >That letter about being outside the “photonically observable universe” spooked her, but that was something she got yesterday
  1883. >She’s been jittery for at least a week
  1884. >Something’s up, but it’s not anything big enough for you to bother with yet
  1885. >You think she’s fine for now
  1886. >Or at least you hope she is
  1887. >It always seems to be some sort of snap instead of a drawn out spiral into crazy with her
  1888. >The snap is usually followed by a spiral into more crazy, but there hasn’t been a snap yet
  1889. >You think there hasn’t been a snap yet
  1890. >Hopefully it’s just stress
  1891. >You wonder what’s for dinner tonight
  1892.  
  1893.  
  1894.  
  1895. >Four hours after that, you’re in bed in the basement
  1896. >All the lights are out
  1897. >You’re waiting for your eyelids to feel too heavy to open
  1898. >That’s what Twilight wanted, and who are you to argue?
  1899. >It’s not like she was interrupting anything you’d want to stay up for
  1900. >You really could not have picked a worse time to get stuck in Banjo Kazooie
  1901. >Jake’s home all day
  1902. >He’s not playing his videogames the all the time
  1903. >The weekend starts tomorrow, meaning there would be two more days before you’d maybe get a chance to ask Eliza for help
  1904. >So you’re doing this the hard way
  1905. >Also the honest way, but whatever
  1906. >You’re still cheating him out of candy
  1907. >But candy is delicious and he’d said he’d get you candy anyway
  1908. >You’re just getting more this way
  1909. >You’ll tell him eventually if he doesn’t figure it out
  1910. >You can hear Twilight coming into the basement
  1911. >The sudden sound of her hooves on the wooden steps and the news on the TV coming through the door behind her startles you into being just barely more awake
  1912. >You crack an eye open
  1913.  
  1914.  
  1915. >She’s walking around by the light of her horn
  1916. >It’s a little more flickery than usual
  1917. >You can hear her muttering something as she goes past the bed
  1918. >Something about how it only took four days for someone to disappoint her, and how she can’t believe that’s something people would cheer about
  1919. >Whatever
  1920. >You’re too tired to concern yourself with her problems right now
  1921. >She’s probably got it under control
  1922. >She clicks on the desk lamp and gets to work
  1923. >You turn over in the bed to face away from the light and close your eyes again
  1924. >You hear her cast a spell, but when isn’t she doing that?
  1925. >Nothing worth staying awake for
  1926. >Soon, you’re dreaming of a sea of jewels
  1927. >Crunchy, sweet, all for you, and you never get full no matter how many you eat
  1928. >Today was a very Spike day
  1929.  
  1930.  
  1931. Steam Chat
  1932. [BerberB X][NagromSreip X]
  1933. NagromSreip
  1934. Online
  1935. ---------------------
  1936. PainedUlnar: But you probably don’t want to go.
  1937. PainedUlnar: Have fun trying not to get shot either way.
  1938. NagromSreip: Well this sure puts a damper on 4/20
  1939. PainedUlnar: This might cheer you up
  1940. PainedUlnar: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=m3DzjrLNn7w
  1941. NagromSreip: Yeah, that’s got me feeling a bit better
  1942. PainedUlnar: Happy early Hitler n’ hippies day, you racist stoner bastard
  1943. NagromSreip: I already told you, it’s not racist if I hate every race equally
  1944. PainedUlnar: Yeah whatever
  1945. NagromSreip: HAHAHA OH WOW
  1946. NagromSreip: Are you watching CNN right now?
  1947. PainedUlnar: Can’t use the TV at the moment
  1948. PainedUlnar: What’s up?
  1949. NagromSreip: They’ve got live newscasts coming in from all over the city
  1950. NagromSreip: But none of them have any fucking idea what’s happening so they’re commenting on the most mundane things like they’re important and even making shit up as they go
  1951. NagromSreip: They said a place had an overwhelming smell of gun smoke, then a minute later a guy tweets that he’s right there and it doesn’t smell like smoke at all
  1952. NagromSreip: This is why I hate mainstream news outlets
  1953. NagromSreip: They’re trying to spin the news into being a blockbuster movie
  1954. PainedUlnar: Would you rather watch HBO or C-Span, given the choice?
  1955.  
  1956.  
  1957. NagromSreip: I think we already discussed this
  1958. NagromSreip: But yeah, reality is equal parts boring and convoluted, I wish they’d just admit that instead of trying to entertain me
  1959. NagromSreip: They’re succeeding in entirely the wrong way
  1960. NagromSreip: Except for that bit about how the older brother ran over the younger one
  1961. NagromSreip: That has a bit of tragic comedy to it
  1962. PainedUlnar: Spot your namesake yet?
  1963. NagromSreip: Still looking
  1964. NagromSreip: I go away for five seconds, and then I come back after I hear a fuckton of shooting outside
  1965. PainedUlnar: I just heard on the radio
  1966. PainedUlnar: “Watertwon is boring,” right?
  1967. PainedUlnar: *Watertown
  1968. NagromSreip: It figures that the news crews are going ‘hurr durr high power military style automatik assault machine gunz’ when I can hear that shit right now and I can say without a doubt in my mind that it’s semi auto at most
  1969. PainedUlnar: >Expecting newscasters to understand anything about guns
  1970. PainedUlnar: >2013
  1971. NagromSreip: They got him
  1972. PainedUlnar: Dead or alive? Either way, fuck yeah
  1973. NagromSreip: Alive
  1974. NagromSreip: And naked, for some reason
  1975. ---------------------
  1976. Kinky. I hope he lives long enough to tell us why he did it.
  1977. ---------------------
  1978. Last message received: Friday, April 19, 2013 at 8:51 PM
  1979.  
  1980.  
  1981.  
  1982. Part 6
  1983.  
  1984.  
  1985. >Thursday, April 25, 12:15pm
  1986. >Year 22 and ‘college finals are coming up’ on Earth
  1987. >You are Jake Addams
  1988. >Not only do you have no idea how to make a ‘net nanny’ program in Visual Basic, Professor Hanan said she wouldn’t accept it
  1989. >Go figure
  1990. >It wasn’t in the book
  1991. >So now what?
  1992. >She did just teach the class how to make applications with a timer function
  1993. >You could probably make a game with that, like clicking stuff before a timer runs out
  1994. >You feel like getting lunch more than thinking up a new application
  1995. >You’ve got a week to choose, anyway
  1996. >You’ll think of something
  1997. >There are probably better programs you could get if you bought one or asked Don to pirate one through the seven proxies that connect him to the undernet
  1998. >You’re losing ground in keeping her cut off from potential sources of pone
  1999. >She’s taken to watching the nightly news since the bombings last week
  2000. >Not much you can do about that
  2001. >She’s sticking to the same few channels and only watching during prime time, so you should be okay for now
  2002. >Crossing the quad from the computer lab, you realize that it’s actually a moderately nice day out
  2003.  
  2004.  
  2005. >Still sort of chilly, but 65 Fahrenheit isn’t exactly uncomfortable
  2006. >You’re wearing a button down shirt that you got for two dollars at the clothing exchange last Sunday over your polo shirt, which is more than enough
  2007. >No really extremely good deals there, but you got some new over shirts and a retired BDU pattern camouflage coat
  2008. >It still has the previous owner’s name tag under the size label
  2009. >Something to wear when next autumn comes around that might freak out Twilight, despite being really practical and a steal of a price
  2010. >At least you can make an argument that nothing had to die to make this
  2011. >Probably a good idea to keep that in the closet for a while too
  2012. >Nice day or not, you’re not keen on doing outdoorsy stuff just because
  2013. >So you don’t linger in the quad and head straight for the student center
  2014. >What’s the cafeteria got today…
  2015. >Tacos
  2016. >Nah, you don’t feel like having Mexican food again so soon
  2017. >You grab an individual-size cheese pizza and pay the cashier, then head for the lounge across the hallway
  2018. >There are all the usual suspects, but you only know a few of them in passing
  2019. >You recognize them all, but most of them are strangers or acquaintances at most
  2020.  
  2021.  
  2022. >There’s the “always playing ‘Magic: The Gathering’” group taking up a table in the middle of the room
  2023. >There’s the hyperactive STEM program guy who has the most Middle Eastern name you’ve ever heard playing ping pong with that guy who brought in his Wii last year
  2024. >There are a few people sitting around the edges of the room with laptops, probably none of them doing any actual work on them
  2025. >One of them’s wearing a camouflage smock and has the second most Middle Eastern name and definitely the first most North African name in the room
  2026. >You head over to him
  2027. >“Jakob, mein herr! How goes it?”
  2028. >This is Berber, the mousy Morroccan WW2 military equipment enthusiast and brony to the point that he watched G1 just for contrast
  2029. >It’s not hard to tell which side of WW2 he’s the most interested in
  2030. “Pretty good. How’s the campaign?”
  2031. >“I’ve moved on to the Africa missions. Progress is slow. Mostly because this game is really old and its menus are clunky.”
  2032. >You sit down next to him
  2033. “There’s probably a reason I hadn’t heard of ‘Combat Mission’ until you started playing it.”
  2034. >“I can’t see why. It’s got a great editor and I’ve downloaded something like a few hundred user made scenarios so far.”
  2035. “I’m not saying it’s bad or anything. It’s sort of hard to judge without having tried it. I’m just saying that it’s obscure.”
  2036.  
  2037.  
  2038. >“It’s really versatile, though. Super easy to mod. Even I could make a texture pack for it.”
  2039. “You’re really proud of that, huh?”
  2040. >“It’s sort of disappointing that I only get to see part of it most of the time. The flag changes are in every mission, but even the missions that are supposed to have Herman Goering’s division don’t actually use the skin for his division. It’s in the files, but the mission makers just use the default Wehrmacht force instead of the specific division, so SS-Fallschirm-Panzerkorps ‘Twilight Sparkle’ never sees any action in the war against the Changelings. I worked so hard putting her name on the cuff titles…”
  2041. >His interests… intersect in a unique way
  2042. >Which is to say that he has an unwritten fanfic in his head about how a bunker full of SS soldiers went into cryo sleep or something and woke up when the Elements of Harmony were used in the pilot episode of FiM, so now there are Nazis running around Equestria instructing the Royal Guard in the use of Nazi vehicles and weapons while getting into hijinks that coincide with the other episodes
  2043. >And he’s adamant that they’re ashamed of the ‘slaughter the non-Aryan swine’ part of their history
  2044. >But hey, there have been weirder crossovers, and you’ve known him since long before he became a brony or Nazi-phile
  2045. >He’s always been this weird
  2046. >Not that you care, because he’s a good friend
  2047.  
  2048.  
  2049. “Yeah, I know that feeling. I had a great idea for a program to make for my Comp Sci final that just got shot down. It was probably too ambitious, anyway. I’m probably going to make a speed test game or something. Speaking of patterns, is that a new coat?”
  2050. >He saves his game and starts to shut down his laptop
  2051. >“Yup. I finally switched from that Pea Dot reversible that I had to keep flipping between winter and spring camo.”
  2052. “What’s this one?”
  2053. >“I picked up this Oak Leaf B pattern smock yesterday. It even came with a matching zeltbahn.”
  2054. >Zeltbahn?
  2055. “Zeltbahn?”
  2056. >“Zeltbahn.”
  2057. “What the hell is a zeltbahn?”
  2058. >“Imagine Legos, but made of cloth.”
  2059. “That doesn’t sound like it would work very well.”
  2060. >“Not like actual Legos! I mean like they’re big pieces of camouflaged cloth that are modular and can be used for just about anything. It’s the sort of thing you’d see on an infomercial: ‘Zeltbahn! Use it as a blanket! Use it as a poncho! Use it to carry your gear! Combine it with your friends’ zeltbahns! Call now to order, and we’ll give you two for the price of one!’”
  2061. “You’re no Billy Mays. It does sound kind of interesting, though.”
  2062. >“Hold on a sec, I'll show it to you.”
  2063.  
  2064.  
  2065. >He stows his laptop and retrieves a large, rolled piece of cloth from his bag, unrolling it for you to see
  2066. >“This is the zeltbahn I got. I’ve seen diagrams of how to make a huge tent using nothing but zeltbahns, which lead me to believe that the Axis had the Allies outpaced in terms of in-the-field slumber party technology.”
  2067. “Isn’t an outdoor slumber party just camping?”
  2068. >“You need to use a dedicated tent for your tent for it to be considered camping. Tying a bunch of blankets together is something you do at a slumber party, so it’s a slumber party.”
  2069. >He rolls up the zeltbahn and puts it back
  2070. I should go to the math lab. I have an appointment to keep with my tutor.”
  2071. “How long is it going to take?”
  2072. >“Shouldn’t be more than half an hour.”
  2073. “You want me to stick around and give you a ride home?”
  2074. >“I could just walk, but if you’re offering, then sure. Thanks!”
  2075. “No problem.”
  2076. >He gets up and leaves
  2077. >You take this opportunity to try to three-star some levels in Angry Birds
  2078. >And you actually get a couple that you were stuck on before Berber returns
  2079. >It took something closer to 40 minutes, but you didn’t want to leave him hanging
  2080. >You catch the shuttle bus to lot G and walk to your car with him
  2081.  
  2082.  
  2083. >You’re both greeted with news of a garment factory collapse in Bangladesh that killed a few hundred people as soon as you put your key in the ignition
  2084. >“Wow, that’s a lot of dead.”
  2085. “Think it will change the topic of the news?”
  2086. >You pull out of the parking lot and onto the road
  2087. >“For a day or two, maybe. Then it’s going straight back to the token attempt at immigration reform the bombing sparked.”
  2088. “Probably. So, how about that manhunt they had going?”
  2089. >“Kind of weird that they had so many police officers doing what was essentially martial law. What were they hoping to accomplish with that?”
  2090. “I dunno. I guess they just wanted to make it look like they were doing something.”
  2091. >“Yeah, but what they did do was kind of Orwellian. I don’t like it.”
  2092. >That deserves a verbal poke in the ribs
  2093. “I can agree that it was excessive, but coming from a Nazi fanboy…”
  2094. >“Oh hush, I'm not a fanboy! I don’t like everything about them, especially what they did. I just think their uniforms and stuff look cool. Besides, I look sorta Arab and my dad’s a Moroccan immigrant. You know I get freaked out every time something like this happens.”
  2095. “I guess you have a point there. They did search the wrong guy’s apartment because he was from Saudi Arabia.”
  2096. >“The weeks after 9/11 were terrible for my dad.”
  2097. “I can imagine.”
  2098.  
  2099.  
  2100. >You drive across the train tracks
  2101. >“I just don’t like what the governor and investigators did in response to this. First they make it look like they’re doing something by overreacting, then they have everyone who took video or pictures of the event send their stuff in to be analyzed, then they admit that they can’t do their own job and ask the ever stoic and reliable denizens of the ‘net to do it for them.”
  2102. “Yeah, it did sort of seem like they were flailing and hoping that something would work. Why else would they call the bombs the Tsarnayevs used ‘WMDs?’”
  2103. >“I’m more uncomfortable with how they just got the footage from everyone. I mean, being raised Muslim doesn’t help with that because I’m probably on five government watchlists just for existing, but whatever happened to general privacy in normal situations? Why does everything need to be recorded?”
  2104. “Lucky me. All I have to worry about is which corporations are tracking my internet history and debit card purchases.”
  2105. >“I wouldn’t say we’re in the same boat. Maybe the same harbor, but definitely not the same boat.”
  2106. “I’m just saying that I empathize. I sort of liked the online manhunt they had going, though. That was interesting.”
  2107. >“Why? What’s there to like?”
  2108. “I hadn’t heard of the crowdsourced manhunt until a few days ago. Granted, it could have been a test of the general citizenry’s loyalty to the state before they REX 84 our asses, but I wish I’d heard of it when I could have participated.”
  2109. >“Okay, but why?”
  2110.  
  2111.  
  2112. “There’s an idea for a social situation I’ve had kicking around for a little while now. It’d be like ‘Hashtag: Occupy’ meets ‘Big Brother Is Watching You,’ but instead of the police monitoring the people, everyone is monitoring everyone in an anarchist security state.”
  2113. >He shoots you a look that you can’t really describe
  2114. >Your eyes are on the road, so you can’t look to get a better idea of his expression right now
  2115. >“…Anarchist security state… you have filled my mind with fuck.”
  2116. “The best part is that it’s sort of happening already. China’s been doing it for years.”
  2117. >“Now you’ve filled my mind with fuck and made the conversation relevant to that meme. Just because they call themselves a ‘People’s Republic’ doesn’t mean that everyone there counts as ‘the people.’”
  2118. “No, no, I don’t mean their formal security apparatus. What I mean is that they’ve got so many people connected to the internet that if someone does something worthy of public condemnation and it gets enough attention, an online lynch mob spontaneously fucks their life. There was a woman who stomped a kitten to death for a snuff porn video. ‘Was.’ She can’t get a job anywhere that has people who know who she is now, and that’s most of mainland China.”
  2119. >“Blacklisted by an eighth of the human race?”
  2120. “Mmhm.”
  2121.  
  2122.  
  2123. >“Damn.”
  2124. “It’s beautiful and horrifying all at the same time. I love it. I never put anything on the internet without first thinking ‘what will people think of this’ because of it.”
  2125. >“What if they get the wrong person? Mobs aren’t that smart and you can’t change a group’s opinion easily.”
  2126. “That’s the only bit I would fix. It needs to be on an individual basis, accountable, and respect basic privacy.”
  2127. >“I really don’t get this.”
  2128. “Like one week you’re supposed to watch one guy, then the next week you watch another, and everyone else does the same to you unless you’re in a bathroom or something. If you catch someone doing something bad, you report it and turn in evidence to a group responsible for more thorough investigation. As long as there aren’t exceptions to who’s being watched and the investigation group has its members rotated out occasionally, I think it could work.”
  2129. >“Okay, now I sort of get it, but I think it’s really weird. How can everyone trust everyone?”
  2130. “Everyone watching EVERYONE, man. Trust is enforced because there’s always a witness. If someone’s caught abusing the system or refusing to report crimes, that’d be punishable too, right? Someone would see it and report it.”
  2131.  
  2132.  
  2133. >“I still think it’s really weird.”
  2134. “Does your phone have a camera and internet access?”
  2135. >“Yes.”
  2136. “You and millions of others are all in the system already. It’s totally normal. It just needs to be organized and have a few kinks worked out before it’s exactly how I imagined it.”
  2137. >“…my brain has reached its absolute capacity for fuck. It can’t be any more full of fuck than it is now.”
  2138. “I noticed. We pulled up to your house two minutes ago.”
  2139. >“I noticed too. I just couldn’t stop listening to that twisted genius you just unleashed.”
  2140. “See you on Tuesday?”
  2141. >“Schedule permitting. I’ll be in the lounge around noon.”
  2142. >He gets out of the passenger seat and grabs his bag
  2143. >“Jake, you scary.”
  2144. “So I’ve heard.”
  2145. >“Never let anyone take that from you.”
  2146. >He closes the passenger side door and heads inside
  2147. >You wait to see him open the door, then drive to the highway
  2148. >It’s midday and the traffic is light
  2149. >You get home quickly and pull in to the driveway
  2150. >You go inside, say hello to dad, and check if Twilight needs anything
  2151. >She doesn’t
  2152. >She’s still bugging you to make that list you said you’d give her
  2153. >It’ll be ready eventually
  2154. >You just don’t want to give it to her before it’s done
  2155. >You set down your backpack in your room and head for the living room
  2156.  
  2157.  
  2158. >Spike’s in ‘Click Clock Woods,’ so either he’s finally done taking notes or he’s given up on that
  2159. “How’s the game, thigh high?”
  2160. >“I’m all caught up, cargo butt!”
  2161. >That answers that
  2162. >“…And it only took three days longer than I was expecting it to.”
  2163. “Nice work. How many pages of notes did you end up taking?”
  2164. >“Fourteen double sided pages. And counting. This is the last level before the quiz, right?”
  2165. “Yep. Mind if I see those notes?”
  2166. >“Here. They’re right on the couch over…”
  2167. >He starts rooting through the massive pile of stuff you still haven’t cleaned off of the couch
  2168. >“…somewhere in here. Why does nobody clean this up?”
  2169. “Nobody’s ever felt strongly enough about it to want to clean it up, I guess.”
  2170. >“I know that feeling. Here they are.”
  2171. >He hands you the pages
  2172. >You leaf through them in silence as he jumps Banjo around an incomplete treehouse
  2173. >Wow, he was thorough
  2174. >He just about wrote a strategy guide
  2175. “Color me impressed. I think you actually might have done more work than you needed to.”
  2176. >“Is it enough to get me through that quiz?”
  2177. “More than enough.”
  2178.  
  2179.  
  2180. >“And Twilight says I never apply myself to anything. Nope! The truth is that there’s usually nothing I want to apply myself to.”
  2181. >“You apply yourself to helping me whenever I actually have something for you to do.”
  2182. >There is no way hooves are naturally that quiet
  2183. >She’s out of the basement and right behind you, and you didn’t notice until she spoke
  2184. >You jumped slightly when you heard her, but Spike starts talking to her like this is totally normal
  2185. >“Well, there’s not exactly a library for me to sort here.”
  2186. >“I know. I don’t like leaving you idle like this, Spike.”
  2187. >“I don’t mind.”
  2188. >“I can tell. Spike, Jake, I’d like to speak with both of you separately, please.”
  2189. >Spike pauses the game and turns towards you
  2190. >“You want to go first, or should I?”
  2191. “I’ll go.”
  2192. >“I gotta find a way to pay you back for all of this.”
  2193. “It’s nothing.”
  2194. >You hand the papers back to Spike and turn around
  2195. >Twilight starts leading the way to the basement
  2196. >You take a few steps, then get an idea
  2197. “Actually, if the two of you are going to be here for the long term, we might as well have you doing some household chores to pull your weight. Spike, do you mind doing dishes?”
  2198. >“I’ve got waterproof scales and I can’t be hurt by scalding water.”
  2199. “I’ll take that as a yes. We’ll get a stepladder or something so you can reach the sink.”
  2200. >“Righty-o.”
  2201.  
  2202.  
  2203. >You continue down into the basement
  2204. >Twilight motions towards a chair in her workspace
  2205. >You sit down and she takes a seat for herself
  2206. >“Just a few quick questions. First, what’s your attitude towards death?”
  2207. >That’s a loaded question
  2208. “Wow, um… I don’t know. It’s bad, I guess. People shouldn’t die unless they deserve to.”
  2209. >“Right.”
  2210. “Sorry. You just caught me off guard, that was all.”
  2211. >“I should be the one apologizing. There’s not really any way to ask that question that’s not blunt. I’ve already asked your parents and I was itching to get your thoughts.”
  2212. “No offence taken.”
  2213. >“Don’t worry, the next questions aren’t as uncomfortable. I just wanted to get that one out of the way. My main questions are just to get some definitions to terms I’ve heard.”
  2214. “Go ahead.”
  2215.  
  2216.  
  2217. >“I forgot to ask what the Doomsday Clock was the last time that you mentioned it. What exactly is it?”
  2218. “It’s a metaphor for how close the world is to nuclear war. A bunch of political scientists came up with it. There’s a panel that’s been moving the minute hand back and forth to reflect world events since the beginning of the Cold War. Basically, how close it is to midnight is how close we are to a full nuclear exchange. A half hour to midnight is absolute peace and disarmament, one minute to midnight is if nuclear war is all but guaranteed to happen tomorrow. It’s been hovering around five or six minutes for about a decade now.”
  2219. >“Why are you so familiar with war, anyway? You’re not a soldier, are you?”
  2220. “Nope. I’d probably be deferred on the physical trial if I signed up. I’ve just studied that subject a bunch.”
  2221. >“You wouldn’t happen to have any books on exactly how humans fight, would you?”
  2222. “I don’t think so. I just browse the internet for that sort of thing. I first heard of the Doomsday Clock in Frank Miller’s ‘Watchmen’ graphic novel, though. I might borrow that from a friend for the media collection I’ve been trying to get together for you.”
  2223. >“Still waiting on that list, by the way.”
  2224. “I’m working on it.”
  2225.  
  2226.  
  2227. >“Just like you’re working on that computer. So, what is this nine eleven event that I’ve been hearing about recently? Something to do with the death of an ambassador, correct?”
  2228. “September eleventh is the date of the event. 9/11/2012 was the one you’re thinking of. Some big protest in Libya turned violent or some terrorists used it as an opportunity to attack the embassy, or something. It’s not really clear. The real 9/11 is the one that happened in 2001.”
  2229. >“And what happened then?”
  2230. “Wasn’t that in the encyclopedia or textbook?”
  2231. >“Neither of them covers history past the dot com bubble.”
  2232. “Oh. Well, 9/11 was an attack staged by the Al-Qaeda terrorist group that involved the hijacking of four passenger jets in the United States. One of the jets was crashed into a field during a struggle between the passengers and hijackers, but two of them destroyed the Twin Towers of the World Trade Center and the other crashed into the side of the Pentagon.”
  2233. >“You’re talking about the pentagonal building that houses this country’s military commanders, I assume?”
  2234. “Yes. The attacks killed about three thousand people, including the attackers. That’s the official story, at least. There are a lot of critics of that point to flaws in that story and manipulation of the footage of the event. They’ve found some evidence, but they never made a convincing case because they’re a relatively small, fringe group that’s very academically unsound.”
  2235.  
  2236.  
  2237. >“Thank you. That will be all.”
  2238. >You get up
  2239. >Hang on a second, she said she didn't need anything just a minute ago
  2240. >Why didn't she ask then?
  2241. “Didn’t you say there wasn’t anything you needed just a moment ago?”
  2242. >“Oh! I was, I mean, I just remembered a second ago.”
  2243. >Loaded questions and weak excuses
  2244. >She’s hiding something
  2245. “Is something wrong?”
  2246. >Now she’s off guard
  2247. >“I’m fine. Really.”
  2248. “Look, if something’s making you uncomfortable and we can take care of it, we will. You’re our guest, and we’ll take care of you as long as you’re not giving us reasons not to take care of you.”
  2249. >“I… no, I’m fine.”
  2250. “If you had to stop and think about it, I doubt you are.”
  2251. >“…”
  2252. >You’re on to something
  2253. >She seems lost in thought for a moment
  2254. >Keep her comfortable, but don’t be overbearing
  2255. “You don’t have to tell anyone if you don’t want to. It’s just that you seem tense for some reason.”
  2256. >“…I’d rather not talk with you about it. Could you get Spike, please?”
  2257. “Okay. I didn’t mean to intrude.”
  2258. >She shuddered just barely enough to be noticeable when you said “intrude”
  2259. >You’re not sure what it is about that word that’s upsetting her, but you’re only going to make her more upset if you prod now
  2260. >“I appreciate the thought, but this is sort of personal.”
  2261. “I’ll go get Spike.”
  2262. >“Thank you.”
  2263. >Well, that accomplished nothing
  2264. >You head upstairs and tell Spike that he’s wanted downstairs, then head for your room
  2265.  
  2266.  
  2267. >You pop open your laptop and start fiddling around with the timer function in VB
  2268. >Scripting is boring
  2269. >You’ll save this for later
  2270. >You decide to check your YouTube subscriptions instead
  2271. >Let’s see
  2272. >Professional YouTuber and abuser of glitches in the video games of the ‘Skate’ series HELIX SNAKE is doing all sorts of cruel impossibilities to his character through the magic of ragdoll physics
  2273. >The Game Grumps are playing games and shouting a bunch
  2274. >Spike’s in the doorway
  2275. >That was quick
  2276. >“Dude. Dude, you won’t believe this.”
  2277. “What’s up?”
  2278. >“Twilight Sparkle thinks you have no life.”
  2279. >That’s not something you find hard to believe at all
  2280. >Shit, you believed it already
  2281. “I’m not surprised.”
  2282. >“You’re not?”
  2283. “I spend most of my free time indoors and I haven’t gone out to do anything with my friends in weeks. I’m just glad that she and I seem to share an opinion for once.”
  2284. >“No, not like that. I mean that you, your parents, and every human has no life.”
  2285. “She really thinks that?”
  2286. >“That’s what she just said to me.”
  2287. >“And it’s something that I just asked you not to go blabbering about. This is serious!”
  2288. >Twilight’s at the top of the stairs just behind him, from the sound of it
  2289. >You can’t see from your spot on the bed, but Spike can see her over his shoulder
  2290.  
  2291.  
  2292. >“Twilight, this is something he needs to know. All of them need to know this.”
  2293. >“Why? What do they get from knowing this?”
  2294. >Now Spike turns all the way towards her
  2295. >“They’ve been going out of their way for us for months now to give us a place to stay and things to do, but it’s not for them. It’s for you.”
  2296. >“I’m thankful, but-”
  2297. >“Twilight, listen to me. You wouldn’t feel any better if you kept this to yourself.”
  2298. >“…Okay, I’ll tell him, but no letters about this. I don’t know what the scientists would think if I told them.”
  2299. >Twilight walks into view
  2300. >“I should explain. I’ve discovered that all humans, or at least the ones I’ve managed to see, have no lives.”
  2301. “You are making a sweeping generalization that I assure you is quite wrong. I just don’t feel like putting the effort into making more friends.”
  2302. >“I don’t mean social lives. I mean homeostasis. It’s a universally accepted causation in medicine that having magic within the body is essential to life, and anything that has no magic is dead or wasn’t ever alive. The less magic something has, the less alive it is. I was so weak when you first saw me because I’d run through almost all of my magic. Every living thing that I’ve been able to observe here seems to have normal levels of magic. Humans, though… humans have absolutely no magic within their bodies. You’re not supposed to be able to live.”
  2303. >Wat
  2304.  
  2305.  
  2306. “Hold on, how are you so sure of this?”
  2307. >“The spell that lets me see magical particles can be used to estimate how alive something is by the concentration of magic inside its body. The first time I saw a human through it, I couldn’t believe my eyes. Humans don’t have zero magic. They somehow have less than zero magic. It’s so little that I can actually see the void of a human body through solid objects.”
  2308. >“Basically, she’s saying you’re a zombie. How cool is that?”
  2309. >Spike, wat
  2310. “What?”
  2311. >“You know, zombies? Dead guys who walk around like ‘URRRRGH BRAINS’ and eat brains?”
  2312. “I know what a zombie is. Twilight, before you ask, I don’t eat brains. Just…what? I don’t understand. How am I dead if I still have a pulse?”
  2313. >“I dunno, but I think it’s cool! I knew they had to be real…”
  2314. >“I don’t think it’s ‘cool.’ I think it’s disturbing. We’re in the presence of things that SHOULD NOT BE POSSIBLE. Every living thing is supposed to have at least some magic. They’re going against a universally accepted causation of biology and harmony!”
  2315. >“Twilight, I’ve said this a million times, but you take harmony way too seriously.”
  2316. >“And I’ve asked you 37,100 times, rounded to the nearest hundred and not counting this one, why you don’t take it seriously enough.”
  2317.  
  2318.  
  2319. >You’re not sure what it’s about, but this looks like the start of an argument
  2320. >They’ve spent enough time apart
  2321. >The last thing they need is to start fighting
  2322. “Twilight, I’m sorry about not being something that fits your definition of possible, but you can do magic, if you haven’t noticed. As far as I knew, that was impossible.”
  2323. >Good, they seem to see the reason in that
  2324. >AND they’re not going to argue because you changed the subject back
  2325. >Twilight’s still uncomfortable, though
  2326. >“I guess impossible did go out the window a while ago, didn’t it?”
  2327. “Yeah.”
  2328. >“I… I’m sorry for not telling you.”
  2329. “I’m fine with it. I’ve probably always been this way.”
  2330. >“Just, uh, please don’t touch me unless I tell you to. You know, since you're...um...dead.”
  2331. “Actually, you said that you could see us through walls and stuff, right?”
  2332. >“Yes.”
  2333. “Could you please not do that while we’re using the bathroom or naked or anything?”
  2334. >“If I wanted to study human anatomy, I’d just look in the encyclopedia. Seeing a live specimen is nowhere close to the top of my list of priorities, thank you.”
  2335.  
  2336.  
  2337.  
  2338. Part 7
  2339.  
  2340.  
  2341. >Day 4 +2 months + 2 weeks
  2342. >You are Twilight Sparkle
  2343. >You’re not wrong
  2344. >You just made a mistake because you overreacted
  2345. >It’s different
  2346. >Either way, you’ve done something you regret
  2347. >That’s not the worst part, though
  2348. >You can’t undo what you’ve done
  2349. >Not meaning that you can’t make it so you never cast the ‘shared eye’ spell in the first place
  2350. >You actually can’t because you wasted your one use of that time travel spell
  2351. >But that’s not the point
  2352. >You can’t remove the enchantment from Jake
  2353. >Try as you might, you can’t get it out of him
  2354. >What, does he WANT you to watch him?
  2355. >He said something about that on Thursday
  2356. >It was strange, possibly even by human standards if his companion’s reaction is a measure of that
  2357. >But that doesn’t make sense
  2358. >It’s not fair by his standards
  2359. >He should be subconsciously blocking you all the time, if that’s how it works
  2360. >You’re not sure how it works, but he’s not watching you back
  2361. >Right?
  2362.  
  2363.  
  2364. >You’ve got absolutely zero solid evidence of telepathy (still a possibility), but he’s letting you watch him regardless
  2365. >Good news there
  2366. >They seem not to know that they’re the ones influencing how you’re able to use your magic, meaning you can start your experiments without much fear of being discovered
  2367. >The bad news is that they’ll probably figure it out through circumstantial evidence if you’re here long enough, and you can’t expand this little experiment to Eliza without compromising your morals further
  2368. >You can’t get rid of it
  2369. >You might as well take advantage of it
  2370. >If he didn’t want you to, he wouldn’t let you
  2371. >Right?
  2372. >You’re stuck with what doesn’t seem to be a completely average specimen, but you’re not about to get a new one
  2373. >That’s the problem with a small sample size; you can’t count on it giving information that applies to the larger group
  2374. >The larger group isn’t much better, from what you can tell
  2375. >You’ve pretty much given up on watching Jake at home, so it’s not as bad from a moral standpoint
  2376. >There’s nothing you haven’t already seen him do that you couldn’t have seen him do in person
  2377. >Save for whatever is causing him to block your access to his senses
  2378. >You’ve confirmed that one of the conditions for when he does that is whenever he’s bathing, using a toilet, or otherwise not fully clothed
  2379.  
  2380.  
  2381. >Every human you’ve met seems to be embarrassed to be seen undressed
  2382. >Again, there’s the issue of sample size, but you can’t ask Jake to go around asking people to strip their clothes off so you can document their behavior
  2383. >That could be ridiculously awkward and might tip him off to your spectatorship of his daily life
  2384. >You don’t dislike him enough to want to make him do that, and you’re not sure how you’d do that anyway
  2385. >It’s not necessarily him that you dislike
  2386. >Well, sort of
  2387. >He’s helpful, but he's still a freak of nature for lacking the basest of energies
  2388. >And it’s just your luck that Spike would tell Jake about that immediately after you tell him
  2389. >They’re too close now
  2390. >It’s a good thing you decided to test Spike’s loyalty with a secret that’s relatively harmless, so long as it never reaches Canterlot
  2391. >The humans probably won’t be able to interpret it because they know little to nothing about the true workings of magic, and Spike is probably too distracted to care
  2392. >What you do dislike about Jake is what he stands for and how he doesn’t seem to care about death
  2393. >You think you’re finally starting to figure that out
  2394.  
  2395.  
  2396. >Humans don’t care about CERTAIN things dying, but they care about some others
  2397. >Which things and how many different types of things varies for each individual
  2398. >Like how the crowds on the ‘television’ cheered about how one of the ‘Tsarnayev’ brothers who carried out last week’s bombing had accidentally crushed his accomplice with a ‘car’ while resisting arrest, but mentioning the ‘Holocaust’ can start the waterworks
  2399. >That’s not funny at all
  2400. >That’s a horrible way to die!
  2401. >Even if they “deserve it!”
  2402. >Jon and Eliza thought it was slightly funny, too
  2403. >Even less appropriately, there were advertisements for ‘cars’ during the news broadcast
  2404. >You also overheard Jon at dinner speaking quite passionately about killing rabbits because they were eating from the family garden and how he was considering using their meat for a soup
  2405. >Rather, you heard it through Jake because the weather was good enough for them to want to eat outdoors
  2406. >You’re going to have to wait to react to this until you hear it directly
  2407. >Until then, you'll pretend nothing happened
  2408. >Disgusting
  2409. >And to think that you were beginning to like him
  2410.  
  2411.  
  2412. >Saturday, April 27, 7:18pm, living room of Evan’s house
  2413. >Jake is in a room with two other humans, one slightly taller than him with a similar hair color and skin color, the other slightly taller than the former with black hair and a slightly tanner skin color
  2414. >Former named Evan, latter named Danilo
  2415. >Your understanding of the situation is that Evan invited two of his friends to a birthday celebration with some of his family
  2416. >They went to a restaurant that served fish and other sea creatures as its primary dishes
  2417. >The group returned to Evan’s house not long ago, and they are currently in the living room of the house
  2418. >There is a ‘television’ and a large couch in the room, similar to Addams’ residence’s living room
  2419. >The ‘television’ itself is large and flat, unlike the Addams’ cubic ‘television’
  2420. >You could comfortably sleep on a mattress of similar dimensions
  2421. >Possibly outdated, un-miniaturized ‘television’ technology or intentionally large for use in the ‘home theater’ that the humans discussed
  2422. >They’ve been discussing which movie to view
  2423. >They can’t seem to come to consensus, despite the limited options
  2424.  
  2425.  
  2426. >Evan reiterates his opinion on the matter for the seventh time
  2427. >“I’d really like to watch ‘Office Space’ for the first time tonight, but I also haven’t seen ‘Leon: The Professional’ yet.”
  2428. >Jake and Danilo reiterate theirs
  2429. >“I’ve heard a lot about ‘Office Space’ without having watched it, but I’ve been meaning to watch ‘Leon.’ We could watch both.”
  2430. >“I’ve already seen ‘Office Space,’ so I’d like to see ‘Leon.’”
  2431. >Evan and Dan go back and forth over their preferences AGAIN
  2432. >“I have ‘Point Break’ in the mail. I think it would be better if we waited until that came so we could have one comedy movie night and one action movie night, but whatever you guys want is fine.”
  2433. >“I want to watch ‘Leon.’ Comedies aren’t as good the second time around, you know?”
  2434. >“I guess we could watch ‘Leon’ and save ‘Point Br-’ ‘Office Space’ for later.”
  2435. >Jake takes issue with this
  2436. >“Evan, it’s your birthday. Why are you letting us choose for you?”
  2437. >“You’re guests. I need to do what you want.”
  2438. >“But this is YOUR birthday.”
  2439. >“I want to be a good host.”
  2440. >“You’re doing okay at that, and thanks for the lobster dinner, by the way,”
  2441. >“It’s nothing. Just consider it one of the perks of my dad being a professional sports lawyer.”
  2442. >“but why is it taking so long for us to pick a movie? We’ve been discussing this since we left Legal Seafoods, and that’s three towns over! Danilo, back me up here!”
  2443.  
  2444.  
  2445. >One of the perks of choosing the ‘screen’ spell over the ‘goggles’ spell for viewing Jake’s activities is that it didn’t appear to you as if you were eating the lobster
  2446. >You’re uncomfortable watching meat being eaten, and you’re less comfortable watching it be eaten sloppily
  2447. >You’d be hard pressed to contain your own dinner if you had to watch Jake eat his entirely from his perspective
  2448. >Jake admitted several times that he had no idea how to remove the lobster’s shell
  2449. >He ended up forgoing utensils in his desperation
  2450. >It wasn’t pretty
  2451. >“I wouldn’t mind seeing ‘Office Space’ again.”
  2452. >“See? We can watch ‘Office Space.’”
  2453. >“Yeah, but Dan said he wanted to see ‘Leon,’ too.”
  2454. >“I did, but I’m not stopping anyone from watching ‘Office Space.’”
  2455. >“Now I don’t know which to pick.”
  2456. >“Oh for… Evan, stay right there. I’m going to the kitchen for a sec.”
  2457. >Jake proceeds to the kitchen and retrieves a bottle labeled ‘Corona’ from a six pack container on the counter
  2458. >Hopefully that’s just a brand name for something
  2459. >These humans and their brand names
  2460. >Why can't they just call things what they actually are?
  2461. >Humans probably would be crazy enough to try to bottle their sun’s atmosphere, but not crazy enough to sell it to eachother in bottles
  2462. >They always draw a line somewhere, but never soon enough for you
  2463.  
  2464.  
  2465. >He returns to the living room and pulls a small metal object from his pants pocket, unfolding it as he walks
  2466. >“Alright, if you can’t decide, I’m going to help you decide.”
  2467. >Jake levers the cap off of the bottle
  2468. >“You can decide now, or drink this beer and then decide.”
  2469. >Contents of bottle confirmed to be alcohol
  2470. >Jake places the bottle on a coffee table near Evan
  2471. >“It’s up to you. Happy 21st.”
  2472. >“I already decided.”
  2473. >“And?”
  2474. >“We settled for ‘Office Space’ while you were getting the drink because we figured out we’d be here ‘til one in the morning if we watched both.”
  2475. >“Oh. Well, you’ve still got to have this beer…you know, because it’s open now.”
  2476. >“But I don’t want it. That gin and cola at dinner tasted horrible.”
  2477. >“Yeah…but this is a beer.”
  2478. >“It’s a Corona. I hear those taste bad too.”
  2479. >“Fuck, what are we going to do with this beer? I had some earlier and I can’t have more because I need to give Dan a ride home, your parents are out shopping, your brother’s on his deployment, and both your sister and Dan are underage.”
  2480. >“Isn’t not thinking things through my thing?”
  2481. >“Oh, shut up, you.”
  2482. >“I will if you quit stealing my act.”
  2483. >“What the hell are we going to do with this beer?”
  2484. >Danilo speaks up
  2485. >“Pass it here.”
  2486. >“Dan, you’re 19.”
  2487. >“My family lets me drink while I’m in the Dominican Republic and it’s not going to hurt anyone. Pass it here and let’s start the movie.”
  2488. >“Well, if it solves the problem…”
  2489. >It does solve the problem
  2490. >Illegally, if you understand correctly
  2491.  
  2492.  
  2493. >This is the problem you found in Jake’s plan for surveillance
  2494. >What happens to the people who report crimes like this all the time?
  2495. >Either tattletales will become heroes of society, or the system will be enforcing a thankless routine
  2496. >Once it becomes a number instead of individual cases, do the people who have prevented the most crime become heroes, even if all they’re preventing is something like spitting on the ground?
  2497. >Humans don’t seem to do good things for the purpose of doing good
  2498. >The nations aren’t living in peace simply for the sake of living in peace
  2499. >Politicians haven’t resolved political issues for the sake of having a functioning government
  2500. >Businesses don’t hire workers for the sake of preventing unemployment
  2501. >Jake said the reason for news being broadcast is for people to hear about it and act on it
  2502. >Listening to the radio, you doubt that’s true
  2503. >Why do so few of them do anything to improve their situation?
  2504. >Do they need a reward?
  2505. >Some number to keep pushing upwards so they can feel purpose?
  2506. >Would ponies or the other species do the same in this situation?
  2507. >Again, this could be totally irrelevant
  2508. >There’s a likely possibility that this is just a dream
  2509.  
  2510.  
  2511. >If humans are extinct or never existed in the first place, studying the differences between Equestrian and Earth society is pointless and you should just focus on the hard sciences
  2512. >But you already went through a significant portion of that
  2513. >The most you can do to entertain yourself is watch the ‘television’ after Spike goes to bed, and even that’s technically studying
  2514. >You’ve left yourself without much in the way of practical foreign subjects to study
  2515. >You could finally get the details on ‘religions,’ but you’d like to figure out how they influenced human history and society before you learn more about them
  2516. >You’re already doing more than one thing at a time
  2517. >Jake’s still not gotten that list together after two and a half weeks
  2518. >This could be your first opportunity to watch a human-made movie
  2519. >You could use some number to keep adding to
  2520. >Maybe you should keep a running tally of how many reports you send or how long it is between breakdowns of the ‘Canterlot Computer’
  2521. >It keeps getting ‘short circuited’
  2522. >No one has figured out why
  2523. >It’s not heat or moisture, the power supply is stable enough, and the design is sound when it works
  2524. >There’s got to be something that’s
  2525.  
  2526.  
  2527. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GKlDBi0cyIA
  2528. (YouTube link: Part of the opening credits of ‘Office Space.’ If you’ve never seen a white ‘n nerdy IT guy singing along with 1990s gangsta rap about “lay[ing] shots nonstop until they see [someone’s] monkey ass drop,” this is going to be a very new experience to you.)
  2529.  
  2530. >ALKSFJD
  2531. >Well that snapped you back to reality
  2532. >If this is reality
  2533. >You should probably just try to enjoy the movie
  2534. >“Yo Jake.”
  2535. >Great, birthday boy is trying to start up a conversation
  2536. >With any luck, they’ll have the sense to stop before the opening credits end
  2537. >“What’s up?”
  2538. >“You ever get around to watching Cowboy Bebop like I wanted you to?”
  2539. >“I’ve been meaning to get around to that. I still haven’t.”
  2540. >“What about-”
  2541. >“Haven’t watched Azumanga Daioh either.”
  2542. >“Oh.”
  2543. >“I think I might get around to it this summer. Actually, do you have any suggestions for other movies and stuff? I’m thinking of getting through some of my backlog and rewatching a few of the classics. Maybe some books and music too.”
  2544. >Oh good, he’s actually doing work on this
  2545. >“Personal favorites first, I’d say Goldeneye, Blade Runner, The Matrix, anything and everything by Kubrick… have you seen the Man With No Name trilogy?”
  2546. >“It was a free rental on YouTube a couple of years ago, but I missed that. I’ve been meaning to watch it ever since.”
  2547. >“Definitely that, then. And get around to watching those animes. I think you owe me a bit for having me watch ha-”
  2548. >…
  2549. >Ugh, it’s cut out again
  2550.  
  2551.  
  2552. >You can only hope this won’t get in the way of watching the movie
  2553. >Who knows how long this could last?
  2554. >Ten seconds pass
  2555. >Thirty seconds
  2556. >One minute
  2557. >“-could see why people would like it, but it never hooked me.”
  2558. >“Probably didn’t help that I s-”
  2559. >Huh, it faded back in for a moment
  2560. >It hasn’t done that before
  2561. >Not enough for you to get the context of what was being said, but it’s a first
  2562. >Something about Evan seeing the appeal of something, but not being attracted to it himself
  2563. >If Jake’s hiding something specific from you, it’s something humans like
  2564. >That’s a uselessly ambiguous clue if you ever heard one
  2565. >This might not even be worth pursuing
  2566. >Though why it let up for that brief moment is an exciting development
  2567. >As far as you could tell, human ‘anti-magic’ (title is a work in progress, update if better idea found) was infallible
  2568. >Perhaps there’s some weakness in this ability that you can exploit?
  2569.  
  2570.  
  2571. >You’re going to have to try and figure that out if you want to be unhindered in your magic
  2572. >Speaking of which, it’s working again
  2573. >You’d put your head down to take some notes on the history of India and the lost civilization of ‘Harappa’ after you’d skipped forwards to study cultures that resemble those from Equestrian regional history
  2574. >Seeing “Minoan” in a supposedly human history book caught your eye, but you’re back on track now
  2575. >India is (un)surprisingly similar to the Vanara Sultanates back home
  2576. >If a civilization resembling the Xiezhi and Qilin pops up, you’ve got one more piece of evidence that what you’re experiencing now is a mental construct
  2577. >As the spell begins to function again, you hear Jake’s voice
  2578. >“-yway, what’ I’m trying to go for is the definitive media experience. As in what we’d bury in a time capsule if we wanted to summarize our culture as it is right now using a compilation of our art.”
  2579. >“Skip the music then. I can’t stand this modern shit. No effort’s put into it.”
  2580. >“Don’t worry, Dan. I’m going to get all the really important bits. That probably means having a bit of lead-up to modern stuff.”
  2581. >“So you’d do something like a progression from classical to jazz to swing to rock?”
  2582. >“Yeah, yeah, exactly.”
  2583. >“Alright. I don’t know too much about swing and jazz and stuff, but when you get to rock, let me know.”
  2584.  
  2585.  
  2586. >“Thanks. Oh, and E?”
  2587. >“Yeah?”
  2588. >“I know Goldeneye is your favorite, but I’m probably going to go with a Connery movie. No offence.”
  2589. >“None taken. I just like the way it portrayed post-Cold War spying.”
  2590. >As predicted, their conversation ends with the opening credits
  2591. >The movie itself seems to be based around the stress associated with employment
  2592. >It’s not clear exactly what the main character’s employer does for their business, though it involves copious amounts of ‘computers’ and ‘telephones’
  2593. >The premise of the movie changes when the main character hires a hypnotherapist
  2594. >In his first session with the hypnotherapist, he is put into a trance to remove his anxiety
  2595. >The hypnotherapist dies of cardiac arrest before the trance can be removed
  2596. >As a consequence, the main character stops caring about his job and unfaithful womanfriend, and has significantly lower social inhibitions over the next few weeks
  2597. >You’ve never asked Zecora what would happen in this situation, but you’re pretty sure it wouldn’t work like that
  2598. >That’s not nearly as distracting as the punchline of that scene
  2599. >They made a joke out of someone dying
  2600. >Ha ha
  2601. >Humans…
  2602. >Well, you’re never going to understand them if you don’t watch at least SOME of this
  2603. >…No, that’s enough human-watching for now
  2604. >You have trouble finding the movie comedic after that point
  2605. >It’s getting close to Spike’s bedtime, anyway
  2606.  
  2607.  
  2608. >You dispel the screen and call it a night for your human studies
  2609. >You head upstairs to tell Spike to get ready to go to bed
  2610. >He stops the game the moment you open the door
  2611. >“Twilight, what were you doing? I called for you three times.”
  2612. “Oh! Uh, I guess I didn't hear you somehow.”
  2613. >He hops off of the couch with both of his claws behind his back and approaches you
  2614. >“You weren’t doing anything that would keep you from hearing me, were you?”
  2615. >Well, having the sound from Jake's ears go straight into yours is more secure, but you can’t tell him that
  2616. “No.”
  2617. >“You didn’t hear me belch? That usually makes you come running.”
  2618. “I’m doing a few things at once. I’m bound to miss some things when I multitask.”
  2619. >Now this is just embarrassing
  2620. >He puts a claw on his hip and begins to tap his foot, keeping his other claw behind his back
  2621.  
  2622.  
  2623. >“I know you didn’t tell me everything on Thursday.”
  2624. “I don’t want to talk about it.”
  2625. >“There’s something wrong, and you don’t even want me to know about it?”
  2626. “I don’t want to talk about it, Spike.”
  2627. >“And why is that?”
  2628. “It’s not that I don’t want to tell you.”
  2629. >“So? Tell me.”
  2630. “I can’t.”
  2631. >“What’s that supposed to mean?”
  2632. “I mean that I can’t let you know because I can’t let anyone know.”
  2633. >“Can you tell me why?”
  2634. “I’m afraid of what everyone would think.”
  2635. >“Eliza asked me about whether magic is the equivalent of a sole or something, but I had no idea what she was talking about. As far as I can tell, none of the humans mind that they’re zombies. If you won't tell me, tell them.”
  2636. “It’s not th- I mean, I just can’t trust anyone with this information. I’m sorry.”
  2637. >“I’m not happy with that answer,”
  2638. >He reveals the scroll he was keeping behind his back and holds it out to you
  2639. >You take it with your magic
  2640. >He brushes past you to get to the basement
  2641. >“but you’re going to have to spill this eventually, for your own sake.”
  2642. >You hear him hopping down the stairs as you unroll the letter
  2643.  
  2644.  
  2645.  
  2646.  
  2647. My faithful student,
  2648.  
  2649.  
  2650. I have several small updates regarding the situation in Canterlot which may interest you:
  2651.  
  2652.  
  2653. The Saddle Arabians’ and Zebras’ ambassadors and scientists have arrived in Canterlot with the
  2654. intention of joining our research and spreading its discoveries. They claim that their invitation was
  2655. delayed by sandstorms originating from an unanticipated oceanic storm’s winds. Our equine fellows
  2656. shall be accommodated suitably, as will the simian Vanara and the reptilian Xiezhi/Qilin, whom the
  2657. Saddle Arabians claim are passing through their territory to join us and should arrive within a month’s
  2658. time.
  2659.  
  2660.  
  2661. The Canterlot Computer has suffered yet another short-circuit malfunction, this time in layer 5,
  2662. section 3F. The cause of this malfunction, like the others, has yet to be determined.
  2663.  
  2664.  
  2665. Other than that, the situation at Canterlot has been relatively normal. You are going to come home safe
  2666. and sound, even if it’s going to be a bit harder than we anticipated. Don’t give up.
  2667.  
  2668.  
  2669. You don’t need to inquire about dragon-related accidents. I’ll let you know if anything happens, but I
  2670. expect their visit to be uneventful. You may be worrying too much about a situation you don’t fully
  2671. understand. These dragons are quite nice once you get to know them.
  2672.  
  2673.  
  2674. Yours,
  2675. Celestia
  2676.  
  2677.  
  2678. >You’ll have time to think about what Spike and Celestia said later
  2679. >Time to go over the schematics of the ‘Canterlot Computer’ for the thirteenth time this week
  2680.  
  2681.  
  2682. Steam Chat
  2683. [BerberB X][NagromSreip X][redleader27 X]
  2684. redleader27
  2685. Online
  2686. ---------------------
  2687. redleader27: hey Jake
  2688. PainedUlnar: Oh hey Evan, I don’t see you on Steam often
  2689. PainedUlnar: What’s up?
  2690. redleader27: Just checking in
  2691. redleader27: I hate to ask, but didn’t you say you were getting a gift for me
  2692. redleader27: ?
  2693. PainedUlnar: FFFFFFFFFFFFFFF
  2694. PainedUlnar: I JUST FOUND THE GIFT CARD IN MY POCKET NOW
  2695. PainedUlnar: I have half a bottle of Corona before dinner and my judgement and reasoning is off for the rest of the night
  2696. PainedUlnar: You’d think the six hours between drinking that and leaving would do something about that
  2697. PainedUlnar: When’s the next time we can meet?
  2698. redleader27: I think Drew has a get together planned for that town carnival next month
  2699. redleader27: See you then if I don’t get a movie day organized before that
  2700. ---------------------
  2701. |
  2702. ---------------------
  2703. Last message received: Saturday, April 27, 2013 at 11:47 PM
  2704.  
  2705.  
  2706.  
  2707. Part 8
  2708.  
  2709. >Day ‘done with Banjo Kazooie’ on Earth
  2710. >Thursday, May 2nd, 1:10pm
  2711. >Wait, doesn’t the day come after the date?
  2712. >Doesn’t matter
  2713. >It got the same point across
  2714.  
  2715. >You are Spike
  2716. >And now you need something to do
  2717. >You just beat the second game Jake gave you
  2718. >You’re not about to go looking through his room for the game
  2719. >You’re redoing some parts of Banjo Kazooie to pass the time until he gets back
  2720. >Not very entertaining, seeing how you already did it once
  2721. >The quiz you had to prepare for wasn’t too hard with your notes
  2722. >You actually did take too much notes
  2723. >Better safe than sorry
  2724. >The only really hard part was the boss fight afterwards
  2725. >Aiming that diving attack was way harder than it should have been
  2726. >You’re not going to do that last boss fight again
  2727. >You might not have time for that, anyway
  2728. >Jake should be home soon
  2729. >Until then, you’re finding things to do
  2730. >The breakfast dishes are done
  2731. >There are probably only a couple of lunch dishes
  2732. >Better than nothing
  2733.  
  2734.  
  2735. >You save your game and get up
  2736. >You stroll into the kitchen and scoot a chair over to the sink
  2737. >You pile a couple of cookbooks onto the chair to get a bit more height
  2738. >As you crawl up, you get a look at what you have to wash
  2739. >There are a couple of plastic containers, plates, and some forks and knives and such
  2740. >You squirt some liquid soap onto the sponge, then soak it in lukewarm water
  2741. >It’s barely even steamy
  2742. >There’s never any real hot water around here unless you have someone boil it
  2743. >Bathing isn’t uncomfortable, it’s just ‘meh’
  2744. >Could be better, could be worse
  2745. >Jon doesn’t like you using the hottest water too long, so you count yourself lucky for not needing shampoo
  2746. >Unlike Twilight, who’s going through a bottle every week
  2747. >Enough about that, though
  2748. >You’re done washing the dishes, except for the cup you were using earlier today
  2749. >One left
  2750.  
  2751. >Let’s not wash this one.
  2752. >Why not
  2753. >Because I don’t want to. I have a plan.
  2754.  
  2755. “Hey, Jon?”
  2756. >No answer
  2757. >You hop down from the chair
  2758. “Jon, you there?”
  2759. >Hopefully he didn’t go out for a ride on his bike or off to try and get more of that weird instrument done
  2760. “Jon?”
  2761. >“Just a minute!”
  2762.  
  2763.  
  2764. >Oh, good. He’s still here.
  2765.  
  2766. >He comes out of his office
  2767. >“What do you need?”
  2768.  
  2769. >Let me show you the difference between laziness and efficiency.
  2770.  
  2771. “Could you get the orange juice out of the fridge, please?”
  2772. >“Sure.”
  2773. >You could have just told me what you were going to do
  2774. >I would have settled for hints even
  2775. >Something like “Eliza did some shopping yesterday” and “we’re thirsty”
  2776. >I just wanted to show you that I can get good ideas sometimes.
  2777.  
  2778. >Jon opens the fridge and gets a big bottle off of a shelf you can’t reach
  2779. >He hands it to you and starts to go back to his office
  2780.  
  2781. >This doesn’t look like the usual orange juice bottle.
  2782.  
  2783. >‘Orange peach mango juice’
  2784. “This isn’t the orange juice.”
  2785. >“Huh? Oh, Eliza’s starting a new part of her diet. She’s going to start making smoothies. She wanted to get a different juice that wasn’t as tangy.”
  2786. >Well, no orange juice
  2787. >You decide to try the new juice instead, pouring it into your cup
  2788. >You take a sip
  2789. >Sweet, but not sickeningly sweet
  2790. >There’s still a bit of tang from the orange juice without as much aftertaste
  2791. >If you had to describe the flavor in one word, it would be “nectar”
  2792. >If you were allowed three words, it would be “my new favorite”
  2793. “Huh, this is pretty good. Could we get this instead of orange juice from now on?”
  2794.  
  2795.  
  2796. >“I suppose we could.”
  2797. “I think I’m going to have another cup of this before we put it away.”
  2798. >You start to pour your next cup
  2799. >“That’s what I thought when I had my first cup. I guess there’s a reason it’s got the acronym ‘O.P.M.,’ right?”
  2800. >You tilt the bottle back up abruptly, making the juice slosh around with the motion
  2801. “Huh?”
  2802. >“Nevermind. Look, I have a few papers to get to Twilight about how magical viscosity could explain how disproportionate gravitational lensing occurs in astronomy.”
  2803. >You start pouring again
  2804. “I’m going to pretend I understood that.”
  2805. >“It’s about how small galaxies seem to bend light in a way that wouldn’t make sense unless they had more mass than they ought to.”
  2806. >Your cup full, you tilt the bottle back up and screw the lid back on
  2807. “So… little thing, big weight, light gets all bendy-bendy.”
  2808. >“And the answer lies in the seemingly arbitrary nature of magic. It’s a wonder any science gets done on your planet.”
  2809. >You give the bottle to Jon, who puts it back in the fridge where you can’t reach it
  2810. “Trust me, you learn to stop questioning it after a while.”
  2811. >“Call me a slow learner, then.”
  2812. “You’re a slow learner. Anyone who actually understands the nitty gritty details of how magic works is crazy smart or just crazy.”
  2813. >“Which of those do you think Twilight is?”
  2814. >Sip
  2815. “It depends on her mood.”
  2816.  
  2817.  
  2818. >“Which do you think she is right now?”
  2819. “A little of column A, a little of column B.”
  2820. >“I noticed she seems kind of nervous recently.
  2821. “It’s been going on longer than just recently, I think.”
  2822. >“She’s been keeping her distance ever since she told me about how she thought humans weren’t alive.”
  2823. “I dunno when she figured that out. It seems like she was keeping it to herself for a while.”
  2824. >“She seemed happy enough to me until she told us about it.”
  2825. “Yeah, but she’s giving off signs that the whole zombie thing isn’t all that’s on her mind.”
  2826. >“It doesn’t make sense to me. Why would life depend on magic? Everything about life can be explained without that.”
  2827. “Oh, this is grade school stuff. Life’s supposed to be linked to how much magic something has. Some scientists think that it’s sort of like the energy that makes all the other energy in the body work because without it things usually don’t last long. Like, if someone gets hurt they release magic, and right as they… well, die, all of their body’s magic comes out. I’ve heard of ponies getting knocked out or even dying because they were using too much magic too quickly and drained themselves. Twilight’s a huge neat freak, so I guess she’s just fixating on how humans are the one thing that’s different.”
  2828. >“I noticed her study area seems to be the best organized place in the house. Do you think she’d be willing to do that for the rest of the house?”
  2829. >Sip
  2830. “…Doubt it. It doesn’t bug her enough and the mess isn’t hers.”
  2831.  
  2832.  
  2833. >“So could Twilight find planets full of life just by using a telescope?”
  2834. “Not really. Magic usually scatters all over the place.”
  2835. >“She never told me why it doesn’t do that here.”
  2836. “It’s just that nothing’s using magic here, I guess. I'm probably wrong. It must be more than that which is making her nervous, though. More than you being semi-dead, too. There's something about how her eyes move.”
  2837. >“Has she told you what’s bothering her?”
  2838. “No, and that’s the problem. She’d usually tell me anything. Something’s freaking her out, but she’s not saying what. Probably something about how she’s having trouble with her magic. She’s really sensitive about that.”
  2839. >“I tried asking her about that. She kept deflecting the questions.”
  2840. “Same here, though I didn’t ask about magic. She flat out told me that she didn’t trust me enough to let me know what’s bothering her. She doesn’t trust ME. I’m like a little brother to her.”
  2841. >“I was wondering about that, actually. She seems kind of demanding of you when she has something for you to do.”
  2842. “It comes with the territory. I live with her, she has me do stuff. She says it’s to ‘earn my share’ or whatever, but she never punishes me if I skip a bit of unimportant work to do something I want.”
  2843. >“It just seems more like she’s treating you like a beast of burden, or a pet.”
  2844. >You’d been taking a quick slurp of the juice when he said that
  2845. >You swallow quickly to respond to him
  2846.  
  2847.  
  2848. >You’re no pet
  2849. >That sells your friendship with her waaay to short
  2850. >Pets are happy if you give them back scratches and stuff
  2851. >It’s not like those aren’t nice, but she’d have to do something like give you a gift to put you in a good mood
  2852. “No, no. Nothing like that. She knows not to push me too much and she gives me plenty of time to myself. Besides, she’s got an owl for a pet. He does the night work for me. Or he did before we left, at least.”
  2853. >“What do you mean by ‘does the night work?’”
  2854. “Like getting books and stuff and helping her organize notes when it’s too late for me to stay up.”
  2855. >“I didn’t know owls could be trained to do that.”
  2856. “I didn’t know owls had to be trained to do that.”
  2857. >“That sounds exceptionally intelligent for a bird.”
  2858. “Nah, he’s about average for an animal. What, are owls not like that here?”
  2859. >“…No.”
  2860. “I’d forgotten how weird this place is.”
  2861. >“Are all animals smart enough to do that on your world?”
  2862. “Pretty much, yeah.”
  2863. >“So her pet’s carnivorous and preys on what is essentially intelligent life, but she’s such a vegetarian herself. I don’t get it.”
  2864. “What can I say? He’s useful. She just keeps the meat-eating bit out of sight, out of mind. She lets him hunt for his own food, so it’s not like she has to go over to Fluttershy’s place for dead mice every week, or something.”
  2865. >“Flutter-what?”
  2866. “Fluttershy. It’s a friend of hers who takes care of animals and stuff. She’s been looking after Twilight’s ACTUAL pet ever since we disappeared.”
  2867.  
  2868.  
  2869. >You take another slurp of your juice, only to be greeted by the bottom of the cup
  2870. >May as well wrap this up
  2871. “Anyway, that’s enough of talking about ponies behind their backs. This conversation got a bit uncomfortable, to be honest.”
  2872. >“Sorry.”
  2873. “No hurt feelings.”
  2874. >“I’m going to go get those papers now. I’ll be right back.”
  2875. >He heads back into his office
  2876. >You get just enough time to clean out the cup you were using before he comes back
  2877. >He gives you the papers full of what you think are math equations
  2878. >Lots of symbols on them either way
  2879. >You don’t understand most of them
  2880. >You walk through the hallway and knock on the basement door
  2881. >No response
  2882. >You knock again
  2883. >Still nothing
  2884. >You tug on the string on the doorknob
  2885. >The second the door opens, Twilight scrambles to do something out of sight
  2886.  
  2887.  
  2888. >“Don’t come downstairs!”
  2889. “Umm… okay? I’ve got some stuff for you from Jon.”
  2890. >“Oh! Oh, thanks, Spike. Would you please knock next time? I’m doing something sort of, um, delicate.”
  2891. “I knocked two separate times.”
  2892. >“I’m sorry, I must not have heard you over the spell I’m casting.”
  2893. “This again? It must have been so loud that nobody else heard it.”
  2894. >“Look, it’s a really really important spell and I need to concentrate very hard to get it to work right.”
  2895. “And what exactly does this sp-”
  2896. >Your lips are now sealed shut by a zipper
  2897. >“Can’t tell you unless your lips are like that all the time! Literally or figuratively. Your choice.”
  2898.  
  2899. >This again? Come on, Twi.
  2900. >She’d only do this if she’s really freaked out
  2901. >She wasn’t this freaked out last time
  2902. >Whatever is wrong, it’s getting worse
  2903. >#1 assistant time. Figure out what’s making her so stressed out, fix it, get thanked.
  2904.  
  2905. >You pull the tab from one side to another, opening the zipper and making it disappear
  2906. “I like eating too much to keep the zipper there.”
  2907. >“Well, then too bad because you went and told everyone about the not-living-because-no-magic thing right after I told you I didn’t want you to!”
  2908. “If it makes things better, maybe you should just tell everyone. We all know you’re hiding something by now.”
  2909. >“No-nonononono, it’s not like that. This would only make more problems if it got out!”
  2910. “Is it embarrassing? You’re not going deaf, are you?”
  2911.  
  2912.  
  2913. >“I’m not going deaf. That’s the only thing I’ll say about it. No hints! I can’t even trust you with… huh. Maybe that’s it?”
  2914. “Maybe what’s what?”
  2915. >“Just thinking aloud. Would you leave the notes at the top of the stairs, please?”
  2916. >You leave the notes on the top step
  2917.  
  2918. >And nothing got accomplished in that conversation. Great.
  2919. >Don’t blame yourself
  2920. >If she wants to be crazy, she’ll be crazy until she un-crazies and realizes she was being crazy over nothing
  2921. >How many times has she done this before? Sixteen? I think we’re up to sixteen by now.
  2922. >Truthfully, I’ve lost count
  2923.  
  2924. >“Spike?”
  2925. >She sounds like she un-crazied
  2926. >“Spike, are you still there?”
  2927. “I’m here.”
  2928. >“I know you want to help, but I wouldn’t even tell Celestia if she was in your place right now. I can’t trust anyone to know about this.”
  2929. “Even me?”
  2930. >“Even you. This would cause nothing but trouble if it got out.”
  2931. >Huh
  2932. >Well at least she learned something from last weekend
  2933. >She sounds pretty broken up about whatever it is, but if she thinks it’s best to keep it to herself and she’s actually right this time, it’s not our business
  2934. “Twilight. If you think I can help, please, just tell me. It hurts to see you like this.”
  2935. >“I want help, but I have to be alone. I’m sorry.”
  2936. “I understand. Whatever it is, good luck. You sound like you need it.”
  2937. >“Thank you, Spike.”
  2938. >You close the door
  2939.  
  2940.  
  2941. >Hold on, quick thought I just had.
  2942. >What is it
  2943. >Just a question for her.
  2944. >You open the door again
  2945. “So… if you wouldn’t tell Celestia if she was here right now, does this mean that this isn’t some sort of super-secret mission from her?”
  2946. >There’s a thump in the basement
  2947. “Oh, or maybe it IS a super-secret mission from her, but you’re trying to throw me off? Is that it?”
  2948. >There are several thumps in the basement
  2949. >“No hints, Spike. Celestia doesn't know about this. Don't even think of sending letters about this, either.”
  2950. “Alright, alright, I just wanted to know if I was missing out on something awesome.”
  2951. >You close the door again
  2952.  
  2953. >What was that thumping noise?
  2954. >If I had to guess, I’d say it was a forehead impacting a table or similar piece of furniture from a distance of approximately four inches while accelerating to a speed not in excess of three miles per hour
  2955. >Wow, look at the brains on you, Mr. Big Words.
  2956. >I have all the brains because I am the brains
  2957. >Let me know if you want some
  2958. >It sounds like you could use them
  2959.  
  2960.  
  2961. Steam Chat
  2962. [BerberB X][NagromSreip X][redleader27 X]
  2963. NagromSreip
  2964. Online
  2965. ---------------------
  2966. NagromSreip: Hey I found my old N64
  2967. NagromSreip: Do you have a copy of THPS?
  2968. NagromSreip: I’d give you five bucks for it if you bring it in to school on Monday
  2969. PainedUlnar: How about ten?
  2970. NagromSreip: six
  2971. PainedUlnar: Seven and a half?
  2972. NagromSreip: Deal
  2973. PainedUnlnar: Actually, I’d be willing to give it to you for two dollars or less if you waited a
  2974. couple of months
  2975. PainedUlnar: I’ve been meaning to do a media binge this summer and I might need it for that.
  2976. NagromSreip: No biggie, I’ve already got like thirty games for this thing
  2977. PainedUlnar: Alright, cool.
  2978. PainedUlnar: So I watched Office Space for the first time last weekend
  2979. NagromSreip: DUDE
  2980. NagromSreip: SRSLY?
  2981. NagromSreip: SRSLY DUDE?
  2982. NagromSreip: YOU HAVEN’T WATCHED THAT UNTIL JUST NOW?
  2983. PainedUlnar: Yes, and I deeply regret not getting around to it until now. I think Peter is probably the most identifiable everyman character in the history of film.
  2984. NagromSreip: Probably because this is practically your theme song http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=udUCjJphE-0
  2985. ---------------------
  2986. Lol yeah. I’ve always loved that song.
  2987. ---------------------
  2988. Last message received: Thursday, May 2, 2013 at 10:02 PM
  2989.  
  2990.  
  2991. Part 9
  2992.  
  2993. >Day 2 +3 months on Earth
  2994. >Wednesday, May 8, 8:29am, just outside of Jake Addams’ bedroom
  2995. >You are Twilight Sparkle
  2996. >You’ve had plenty of time to think about what Spike and Celestia said
  2997. >You were sending a few too many worried letters about dragons on the research teams, and Spike is sort of falling out of touch with you because you’re keeping things from him
  2998. >It’s probably time to give the Addams’ their basement back in full
  2999. >You have a few new things on your mind, too
  3000. >First, whether you should stop using the ‘shared eye’ spell just because it’s beginning to arouse suspicions
  3001. >Second, why Jake isn’t working on those two things he said he’d do for you when it’s been nearly a month since you first talked about it with him
  3002. >Third, how humans seem to have control over how you use your magic and how you might go about getting it back
  3003. >The answer to the first is “not yet, but Spike has been disenchanted so you can’t watch him anymore”
  3004. >Jake will finish his final exams, and, if his mother is to be believed, he won’t go outside very often
  3005. >You’ll be without a reason to keep using the spell, or a reason to keep the basement off-limits (you’re kind of surprised they let you keep it for that long, actually)
  3006. >He won’t have ever known you cast it on him (assuming he’s not just concealing the fact that he might be telepathic) so you won’t have to make a big deal out of it
  3007. >You’ll probably just leave it in place
  3008.  
  3009.  
  3010. >Removing magic from a living being that never had magic before is un-trodden ground
  3011. >You’re not sure what could happen if you managed to succeed in removing the enchantment, so the safe choice is to stop trying to remove it
  3012. >And it’s your only option until you figure out number 3
  3013. >The solution to the second is to pester him until he takes action
  3014. >Hopefully, he’s not delaying this intentionally
  3015. >You’ve seen enough of the ‘internet’ to know you’re missing out
  3016. >Withholding information
  3017. >Besides, what possible motivation could there be for him to do that?
  3018. >Aside from pure malice
  3019. >That doesn’t seem too likely
  3020. >He’s a bit of a jerk, but he seems to be more of the apathetic or unintentional sort of jerk than a passive-aggressive or actively aggressive jerk
  3021. >And he’s offering to do things for you
  3022. >The only problem is that he’s not actually doing them
  3023. >He’s also supposed to be dead, but he’s not
  3024. >Humans
  3025. >That brings you to the third thing on your mind
  3026. >If this is a subconscious ability, as you suspect it is, he might build the ‘computer’ for you only for you to be unable to use it
  3027. >The obvious solutions are to tell all the humans or try to work around it by some other means
  3028. >Poking at a ‘keyboard’ all day with a pencil in your mouth doesn’t sound very appealing
  3029. >You’d get neck cramps, and graphite doesn’t taste very good (not speaking from experience)
  3030.  
  3031.  
  3032. >On a tangentially related note, you asked Eliza to put some flowers or grass clippings in the smoothies she’s started making recently
  3033. >She’s not going to because she thinks it would ruin the flavor for everyone else
  3034. >You haven’t had any real greens in a few months now
  3035. >The nasturtiums she puts in her salads just aren’t the same
  3036. >Back on topic, working around the ‘T. Sparkle Field’ is going to be important
  3037. >You think you might be on to something
  3038. >It’s not necessarily what they want
  3039. >It might be what they trust you to do
  3040. >It could also be preconceived notions
  3041. >Or their current emotional state
  3042. >Or which day of the week it is
  3043. >Or something else entirely
  3044. >The first and second sound like they’re the most promising
  3045. >Having a book from Equestria become more difficult to influence with magic in Jon’s presence would make sense in that context
  3046. >That was around the time that you first arrived, before he was willing to accept the possibility of magic existing
  3047. >Either he was so sure that you were trying to do something impossible that it affected your ability to use magic, or he was scared of your perceived threat against his understanding of what’s possible
  3048.  
  3049.  
  3050. >The first is a frontrunner by far, though
  3051. >Preconceived notions wouldn’t explain their desire to prevent you from using ‘computers’
  3052. >Even the ‘television remote control’ becomes unusable if you try to do certain things with it
  3053. >They know you can use it
  3054. >Unless they’re occasionally getting the idea that you can’t change the ‘channel’ and realizing they’re wrong shortly afterwards, it can’t be that
  3055. >Telling them about one of the secrets you’ve been sitting on might have given you a brief glimpse of whatever it is that Jake’s not trusting you to see
  3056. >If that’s the case, you just have to get their trust without letting them know they’re the reason why your magic has ebbs and surges of effectiveness
  3057. >Easier said than done
  3058. >If you can pull it off, there’s a longshot chance that it would be enough for you to get yourself home without the CCU/CSGU having to gather almost every unicorn and qilin in one place just to distribute the load of the spell to an acceptable level
  3059. >So unless Eastern Magic Theory has an explanation for how you could get yourself here that could also be used to get you back, you’re probably stuck here for life
  3060. >The logical first step in your longshot optimistic delusion is to see whether opening up the basement again gains you some trust, and with it some more freedom to use magic as you please
  3061.  
  3062.  
  3063. >Speaking of the xiezhi and qilin, the culture of China isn’t exactly the same as theirs, but the collective philosophy, art style, architecture, and agricultural techniques (sans magic, of course) are there
  3064. >That’s enough for you
  3065. >The naming conventions and language also seem to match, as in Qin Shi Huang
  3066. >Province, family name, given name: intonation can drastically change the meaning of phonemes
  3067. >Incidentally, Shi Huang of Qin Province is considered to be the first emperor of China
  3068. >He’s a fine specimen of humanity as well, destroying knowledge and slaughtering scholars in creative ways while spending a fortune on military preparations
  3069. >The only good thing you could say about him is that he standardized the width cart axles
  3070. >His military preparations are still visible to this day from miles above
  3071. >They call it the ‘Great Wall of China’
  3072. >Constructed in sporadic bursts over the course of one millennium with a total length of roughly 13,000 miles
  3073. >The xiezhi and qilin didn’t have to build a massive wall to repel invaders because there weren’t any
  3074. >Even if there were, they’d have removed all the workers who died in its construction from the soil-based core of the wall
  3075.  
  3076.  
  3077. >The Chinese ‘Great Wall’ is estimated to have up to a million corpses inside of it, mostly of construction workers killed by exhaustion
  3078. >It’s sometimes referred to as ‘The Long Graveyard’
  3079. >Appropriate, because it may have an average of 76.9 corpses-per-mile
  3080. >If this is a dream, you’d really like to know where these grim extraneous details are coming from
  3081. >And, more importantly, why they’re there in the first place
  3082. >You’re no madpony
  3083. >In more modern bad news: there’s a drought and wildfire at the same time in California, Syria is believed to be using deadly gas on its own citizens to end a civil war that’s lasted for two years, Israel attacked Syrian forces near its border, and the surviving bomber from the ‘marathon’ attack last month is on trial with a likely sentence of execution
  3084. >So it’s business as usual on Earth
  3085. >There were also three women who were rescued from a decade-long kidnapping, which is supposed to be good news
  3086. >You’d like to know why that’s good news to humans, when it’s more like bad news becoming news that’s slightly better
  3087. >It’s still bad news because there was a kidnapping, which is unheard of amongst ponies
  3088. >Good news would be “kidnapper has a change of heart, turns himself in before committing act” or no kidnapping to begin with
  3089. >Another thing you’d like to know is when Jake is getting up
  3090. >It’s 8:35
  3091. >You heard Jake’s alarm watch go off twice while you were waiting here
  3092. >*Knock knock*
  3093.  
  3094.  
  3095. >You hear some rustling from behind his door
  3096. >Then you hear him, and he sounds expectedly tired
  3097. >“Nnnn…what?”
  3098. “I need to talk to you.”
  3099. >He’s not speaking so much as he’s groaning phonemes in a sequence that could be interpreted as words
  3100. >“Can’t this wait?”
  3101. “I think I’ve waited long enough.”
  3102. >“What do you want?”
  3103. “Oh, nothing. I just noticed you weren’t getting up after your alarm. I wanted to make sure the person WHO PROMISED TO MAKE A COMPUTER FOR ME is going to get out of bed on time.”
  3104. >“’M workin’ on it.”
  3105. >No he isn’t
  3106. “Jake, I’ve been patient until now. It’s been a month. As far as I can tell, you haven’t done any work on this.”
  3107. >“Sorry.”
  3108. “Would you please give me a deadline you’re going to have this done by?”
  3109. >“Not now.”
  3110. >If not now, when?
  3111. >Tease and add a bit of singsong for motivation
  3112. “If you set a deadline now, I’ll leave you alone!”
  3113. >“Mmmnugh… Have it ready after my finals are done.”
  3114. “Thank you. Sorry for bothering you first thing in the morning like this, but this is taking a lot longer than I was hoping it would.”
  3115. >“Talk with you about this after breakfast.”
  3116. >Satisfied, you head downstairs
  3117. >You probably should have had him set a deadline in the first place
  3118. >Doing it as he was waking up might have been a bit mean, but so is promising to do something and shirking that responsibility
  3119.  
  3120.  
  3121. >You open up ‘Traditions and Encounters’ again to read about the metaphorical ‘Silk Road,’ which was neither a road nor composed of silk
  3122. >The human method for silk-making is to boil pupating silkworms, which seems both cruel and unnecessary
  3123. >You won’t bother calculating how many silkworms would die to make the ‘Silk Road’ a literal expression
  3124. >It was more of a loose overland trade route from China to Europe that was used to export Chinese silk, which was in high demand in western countries
  3125. >And it was the backbone of a violent, conquering empire that eventually fell to internal squabbling
  3126. >It roughly resembles the route the xiezhi/qilin and vanara are taking
  3127. >That’s one more thing you’ve noticed that points to this being a dream
  3128. >You haven’t done any meaningful geological analysis, but it occurred to you recently that Earth’s continents looked very, very vaguely familiar
  3129. >Shift them around a bit, and you’ve got what could pass for a globe of your home planet
  3130. >Or it might if you were trying to fool somepony who was legally blind
  3131. >It figures that you’d miss the big picture by focusing on the details
  3132. >The encyclopedia’s ‘Pangea’ mega-continent looked sort of familiar, but you couldn’t place the resemblance until you squinted to blur the image of it
  3133.  
  3134.  
  3135. >You’re making a note to try modeling what would happen to various geological stages of Earth in the presence of controlled weather and the residual effects of magic use when you hear Jake at the top of the stairs
  3136. >“Good morning.”
  3137. “Again, let me apologize. Come downstairs if you’d like.”
  3138. >He trudges down the stairs
  3139. >“No, it’s my fault that I’m taking so long. I haven’t done much work on this at all.”
  3140. “Any particular reason?”
  3141. >“The semester’s almost over and I’m tired of doing work.”
  3142. “You’re always tired of doing work.”
  3143. >“I’m more tired now.”
  3144. “You said you’d have both things ready next week, right?”
  3145. >“Yeah, yeah. My finals end on Monday. I’ve got a rough draft of the list and some of the material on hand, if you’d like to get started now.”
  3146. “Yes, please!”
  3147. >Finally, a reason not to be disappointed!
  3148. >“Any particular subjects you want to get to first?”
  3149. “Aside from the obvious, I’m curious about how ‘horses’ and humans relate with one another. Something about what humans think magic is would be nice as well.”
  3150. >He walks into view and stops
  3151. >“I’m guessing that ‘the obvious’ is war and violence and such?”
  3152. “Exactly.”
  3153. >“You’re really fixating on that, aren’t you?”
  3154. “I’d ask whether it alarms you, but I already know the answer.”
  3155. >“Yeah, I’m going to see if I can get my philosophy book’s rental extended or something. You’ve got us wrong.”
  3156. “I have yet to be convinced. Could we please get back on topic?”
  3157.  
  3158.  
  3159. >“I don’t have any movies or books with a lot about horses right now. I’ll rent them later. If you want something about magic I could get you some Lord of the Rings and Harry Potter novels off of the shelf in my room.”
  3160. >Spike yawns from behind your spot at the desk
  3161. >The conversation must have woke him up
  3162. >Deciding not to watch Jake at home means that Spike can sleep in again, but neither of them need to know that
  3163. >“‘Morning, zom-butt.”
  3164. >“‘Morning, thigh-high. Hey, Twilight, do you want a few movies you could watch with Spike? It seems like you’ve been apart during most of your time here.”
  3165. “I’d like that.”
  3166. >You turn around to face Spike, who is sitting up on the bed with a groggy look on his face
  3167. “Spike? Would you like to watch some movies with me?”
  3168. >“Right now, no. Later, yes.”
  3169. “Excellent.”
  3170. >You turn back to Jake
  3171. “Just to be clear, these movies are all appropriate for children, right?”
  3172. >“The ones I’m going to get right now will be.”
  3173. “Good. I don’t want to expose Spike to something too violent or rude.”
  3174. >“I’ll try to keep that in mind. It’s nice to see you smiling sincerely for once, and I wouldn’t want to ruin my chances at seeing that again.”
  3175. >Wait, you’re smiling?
  3176. >How come you didn’t notice that?
  3177.  
  3178.  
  3179. >“I’ve got to get going. I’ll leave it all on the couch for you. Jon should be able to set the TV up for you.”
  3180. >He jogs up the stairs while you organize your notes so you can come back to them without losing your train of thought
  3181. >His footsteps sound around the house and stop in his room for some time
  3182. >Eventually, they continue and leave through the kitchen door
  3183. >Odd, you were actually smiling for some reason
  3184. >…Let’s chalk that up to finally getting what you’d been asking for and not look into it further
  3185. >You’re about to head upstairs yourself when Spike belches out a scroll
  3186. >He lobs it towards your desk over your withers
  3187. >Still organizing your notes, you net it in your magic without looking and unroll it
  3188. >The movies will have to wait a moment
  3189.  
  3190.  
  3191. Twilight Sparkle,
  3192.  
  3193. Princess Celestia tells us that we have been authorized to contact you directly to streamline the
  3194. troubleshooting process. We still do not know why the Canterlot Computer is suffering from short-
  3195. circuit malfunctions with the frequency that it does. Please contact the human known as Jon and ask for
  3196. his help. We wanted this to be a product of local design with minimal assistance from humans, but we’re
  3197. at our wits’ ends. We can’t find any pattern to it: It just won’t stop breaking. We were hoping that the
  3198. Zebras and Saddle Arabians would bring a fresh pair of eyes to this and spot something obvious we’d
  3199. been missing, but that hasn’t been the case. The present malfunction is in section 5E of layer 8, RAM to
  3200. processor conductor 1.
  3201.  
  3202.  
  3203. Canterlot Computer Chief Engineer Square Root
  3204. Griffon Republic Science Team, Electronics Division Head Scientist Markus Isfugel
  3205. Minos Scientific Emissary, Electronics, Senior Scientist Fyteia Agrotis
  3206.  
  3207.  
  3208. >Maybe a bit longer than a moment
  3209. >If Ms. Agrotis is willing to put her name on this plea for help, they’re desperate
  3210. >She’s stubbornly proud, even by minotaur standards
  3211. >Rightfully so; she studied her way out of farm life and into the most prestigious universities her country has to offer
  3212. >That’s roughly equivalent to a pony going against their cutie mark in digging ditches to become a surgeon, especially since the Minoan naming conventions are similar to the Equestrian naming conventions in that they usually predict the talent of the individual
  3213. >Given, it’s in a different language
  3214. >The Griffons don’t do that, for some reason
  3215. >You can see the Northern Griffonic word for “ice” in their head scientist’s surname (and boy, do they use THAT word a lot in the northern Republic), but there’s not much to suggest that he’s a scientist
  3216. >It could be that your mind decided to apply their naming conventions to humans just to hammer in the idea that you’re somewhere foreign
  3217. >Gathering everything you can that relates to the design and operation of the Canterlot Computer, you head upstairs again
  3218. >You levitate the stack of notes just above yourself as you move, holding it especially high as you pass through the kitchen
  3219. >Spike is toasting bread with his breath as he usually does
  3220. >Getting your notes incinerated is something you’d like to avoid right now
  3221. >He tells you to ask Jon for help getting something from the ‘refrigerator’ as you enter Jon’s office
  3222.  
  3223.  
  3224. >The closer you get to the office, the less buoyant the paper becomes in the magic field
  3225. >You lay the notes down a few feet earlier than you’d wanted to, then step into Jon’s office
  3226. “Jon, I’m going to need you to stop working on the Fundamental Energies book I gave you.”
  3227. >“How bad is it this time?”
  3228. “Layer 8, 5E, RAM to processor conductor short.”
  3229. >“Any idea why?”
  3230. “Not a clue.”
  3231. >“Well, I guess I’ll get to work…”
  3232. “I think you mean ‘we’ll get to work.’”
  3233. >“Oh?”
  3234. “What, did you think I’d just leave this to you?”
  3235. >“It’s what I was expecting.”
  3236. “One more thing. Jake got some movies for me and he said you’d help me get the ‘television’ to play them.”
  3237. >“DVD or VHS?”
  3238. “I’m not sure. I didn’t see them yet.”
  3239. >“Go check and come back. I could write an instructions sheet for you.”
  3240. “I’d appreciate that. Just a moment.”
  3241. >You bow out of his office to see what was left for you in the living room
  3242.  
  3243.  
  3244. >Spike stops you before you get that far
  3245. >“Did you ask him?”
  3246. “Huh? Oh. What did you want from the fridge? I’m sure I could get it for you just as easily as he could.”
  3247. >“Are you sure? Your magic looks sort of weak right now.”
  3248. “I’m fine, really!”
  3249. >Flashing a false smile does nothing for your cause
  3250. >His behavior recently seems to imply that he’s onto at least one of your secrets
  3251. >He hasn’t seen you spying on Jake, but he suspects you of doing something in the basement and he’s likely told the humans about it
  3252. >“…Just get me the juice, please.”
  3253. >Prove yourself to him now and he might not be as suspicious about your magic
  3254. >A familiar magenta energy coats the handle on the upper door of the ‘refrigerator,’ pulling it open
  3255. >Scanning the contents of the fridge, you spot a bottle labeled as juice
  3256. >With the assistance of your magic, the cap of the bottle unscrews itself and starts spinning like a frisbee in the air
  3257. >You pull a fresh cup out of the cupboard as you extract the liquid from the bottle
  3258. >Keep it simple, don’t spill a drop…
  3259. >The glob of juice floats towards you as you while Spike picks the cup out of the air in front of him
  3260. >You reform the glob into a rod-like shape, spiraling and swirling that rod around your body as you direct it into the cup
  3261. >Perfect
  3262.  
  3263.  
  3264. >You release the juice while screwing the lid of the bottle back on and closing the ‘refrigerator’ door
  3265. >He seems impressed and nonplussed at the same time, if such an expression is possible
  3266. >“Not bad, but if you’re trying to steal Trixie’s act you’re going to need some sort of animal symbol.”
  3267. >He starts to take a sip
  3268. “Oh, I’m not done yet.”
  3269. >Your magic grabs the juice once more and abruptly forms the liquid into the shape of a hissing serpent rising from the cup
  3270. >Spike flinches, pushing the cup away
  3271. >He recovers almost as quickly as he flinched, realizing that a serpent made of juice isn’t going to do any harm
  3272. >He admires your work for a moment
  3273. >Then he slurps down its head
  3274. >You release the rest of the juice in his cup
  3275. >“I guess you are fine. The little drops coming from the ends of the fangs were a nice touch.”
  3276. >You didn’t put those there
  3277. >The fangs were supposed to be solid
  3278. >He’s impressed so far
  3279. >Lie to him
  3280. “Heh, yeah. You know me, ‘Ms. Attention to Detail!’”
  3281. >Not so perfect
  3282. >You’re a horrible liar
  3283. >“…Of course you are.”
  3284. >He takes a sip of the juice while eying you over the rim of the cup
  3285.  
  3286.  
  3287. >He finishes the sip and lowers his cup again to speak
  3288. >“So, are we going to watch those movies now or later?”
  3289. “Not yet. I’ve got something I need to work on right now, but Jon said he’d write out some instructions for how to watch the movies if I could tell him which type they are.”
  3290. >“It’s broken again?”
  3291. “And they want Jon’s help this time. Fyteia Agrotis even put her name on the letter asking him to help.”
  3292. >“You mean the farmer-turned-scientist cow?”
  3293. “The one and only.”
  3294. >“Ouch.”
  3295. “And here I was hoping we might actually get to do something together. I swear, it’s been one thing after another ever since we got here. ”
  3296. >You start trotting towards the living room
  3297. >Spike is following you
  3298. >You just told him you’re not going to be watching the movies yet
  3299. >He’s probably going to his ‘video games’ again, but if he’s here, you can vent to him
  3300. >Plus you’re moving out of Jon’s earshot, so you can say what’s actually on your mind
  3301. >There is a lot on your mind
  3302.  
  3303.  
  3304. “I mean, first we’re stuck here, then I find out we’re surrounded by bloodthirsty savages, then I stop finding things to do with you, then I find out we could die at any second BUT NOBODY THOUGHT TO TELL US THAT! No sir! ‘It’s not important’ my hoof. Learning that these savages weren’t possible was and having to deal with my magic being reliable MOST of the time instead of ALL of the time was BEYOND the last straw! Eliza’s never around so I can get a good idea of what multiple ‘religions’ are, Jon’s got some carnivorous bloodlust for rabbits, and Jake is an inconsiderate jerk who doesn’t care about anything! On top of all that, the one showpiece we’ve got from the things we’ve learned here is a fizzling pile of-”
  3305. >“Twilight, stop.”
  3306. >You’ve arrived in the living room and you’re just in front of the couch
  3307. >It’s not like you’d overshoot; there’s nowhere to go from the living room except back past the master bedroom and into the hall
  3308. >He couldn’t mean it literally, so he’s interrupting your rant
  3309. >You WANTED to rant, darn it
  3310. “What?! What do you want?”
  3311.  
  3312.  
  3313. >“You sound like you could use a drink.”
  3314. >You turn around to see him holding the cup out to you
  3315. “Pardon?”
  3316. >“Take a sip. It’s not sugar-coated chocolate, but you sound like you could use a treat.”
  3317. >You recoil from the cup in disgust
  3318. “Eww, no! You put your mouth in that!”
  3319. >“And? We’ve been living together so long that I doubt my mouth-germs would make you start puking everywhere.”
  3320. “You’ve been eating meat with that mouth for months now! This is a matter of principle, not hygiene.”
  3321. >“I have it from a reliable source that the animals here aren’t thinking creatures.”
  3322. “I heard they’re not sentient, but not thinking? What do you mean?”
  3323. >He pulls the cup back
  3324. >“You remember your little animal watching thing you did to see how the ambient magic affects the squirrels and birds around here?”
  3325. “Yes, when I was observing wildlife through one of the basement windows. They looked normal through the ‘visible magical particles’ spell. Why?”
  3326.  
  3327.  
  3328. >“I saw a robin poking around in the bush that’s blocking the living room window yesterday. I paused my game thinking about how neither of us got to see any of those animals up close, stood on top of a box to get a good look at it, and it ignored me. I tried talking to it, and it acted like I wasn’t even there. I start waving around, figuring maybe I just didn’t get its attention. It stood absolutely still for a good five minutes after that. I got a good look in its eyes because it wasn’t moving… and you say the humans are ‘zombies.’ There wasn’t any mind behind those beady little eyes.”
  3329. “Don’t put words in my mouth. I never called them zombies.”
  3330. >“We both know that’s what you wanted to say.”
  3331. >CHANGE SUBJECT
  3332. “I observed hundreds of animals. How do you know that wasn’t an exception?”
  3333. >“You were observing, not looking. Do it again without the spell and wait until one of them comes close.”
  3334. “Even if they’re not thinking beings, per se, they were still alive.”
  3335. >He thrusts the cup towards you again
  3336. >“Twilight, drink the juice.”
  3337. >He’s looking impatient
  3338. >Right now, you look a lot like he does
  3339. >Neither of you speak for about fifteen seconds
  3340. >The silence is palpable
  3341. >He gives the cup a little waggle and raises a brow
  3342. “Fine, I’ll try it.”
  3343. >You telekinetically snatch the cup from his claw
  3344.  
  3345.  
  3346. >It hovers up to your lips, bathed in your magic
  3347. >You tilt it back and… it actually tastes pretty good
  3348. >It tastes better than tense silence, that’s for sure
  3349. >Sweet, but tangy and citric as well
  3350. >The sweetness covers up the bitter aftertaste nicely
  3351. >You were going to take just a sip, but you find yourself taking mouthful after mouthful
  3352. >“I was hoping you’d like it.”
  3353. >You lower the now empty cup from your mouth
  3354. “What did I just drink, and why did it taste that good?”
  3355. >“Orange-peach-mango juice. Jon said he thought its initials stood for something, but I don’t know what he meant.”
  3356. >O. P. M.
  3357. >Opium?
  3358. >You got a little high once when you forgot to ventilate your lab properly during a mixing experiment, and you don’t feel anything like that
  3359. >Hopefully Jon meant that as a joke
  3360. >A joke that he should have known better than to try telling to Spike, but still a joke
  3361. >You’re going to have trouble finding whatever’s wrong with the Canterlot computer if you’re high
  3362. >“Get me another cup, would you? That stuff is addictive.”
  3363. “I’m getting one for myself, first.”
  3364. >Spike walks past you, satisfied that he’s improved your mood, and begins to set up his ‘video game’
  3365. >Oh right, you came in here to check the format of those movies, not rant and drink juice
  3366. >There are two small rectangular plastic boxes and two hardcover books stacked on top of the only unobstructed seat on the couch, as well as several sheets of paper
  3367. >You scan through the papers first
  3368.  
  3369.  
  3370. I don’t consider it complete yet, but here it is, starting with movies.
  3371.  
  3372. Before you get angry about the next sentence, what haven’t I already been able to get for you over the
  3373. internet? Most of this is going to be coming from the local library because that’s cheaper than doing
  3374. internet rentals.
  3375.  
  3376. Most of what’s on this list is here due to popularity. Not all of it’s good, but it’s all very recognizable to
  3377. most humans.
  3378.  
  3379. MOVIES
  3380. Key:
  3381. (A) Action
  3382. (B) Biography
  3383. (C) Comedy
  3384. (D) Drama
  3385.  
  3386. Pretty much anything by Disney should be safe for Spike, but feel free to ask. The Disney movies should be on the shelves beside the TV.
  3387.  
  3388. You can do this section in whatever order you please, though I do make a few recommendations.
  3389.  
  3390.  
  3391. Westerns:
  3392. Set in the American western frontier during the late 1800s. Themes of independence, conflict, loyalty,
  3393. honor. Lots of horses, as that was one of the main methods of transportation at the time. I gave this its
  3394. own section because you asked for horses.
  3395.  
  3396. (D)A Fistful of Dollars – Beginning of a trilogy that follows a lone wanderer who’s absurdly good at using
  3397. a gun. I don’t know the premise other than that because I haven’t seen these before.
  3398. (D)For a Few Dollars More
  3399. (D)The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly – Sequel to the previous two. The climax of this movie is supposed
  3400. to be one of the great moments in film history.
  3401. Others (not familiar with this genre)
  3402.  
  3403.  
  3404. Science fiction:
  3405. Fantasy meets technology. The actual science involved may only be slightly plausible. May be set in the
  3406. future, and may also include alien life. Space travel and robots are a common element.
  3407.  
  3408. (D)Frankenstein – A mad scientist tries to reanimate a dead body. The classic monster movie.
  3409. (D)Night of the Living Dead – ZOMBIES! No, actual zombies.
  3410. (D)King Kong – A giant gorilla is found and brought to New York to be shown to the world, but it escapes
  3411. into the city.
  3412. (A)Godzilla – A building-sized lizard emerges from the sea off of Japan and begins to wreak havoc.
  3413.  
  3414. (A)(D)Star Wars, Episodes 4 through 6 - Coming of age story about a boy named Luke, who joins a
  3415. rebellion against a totalitarian empire after receiving a mysterious message that wasn’t intended for
  3416. him. Episodes 1 through 3 aren’t as iconic, so they’re safe to skip. Sort of maybe appropriate for Spike.
  3417. (C)SpaceBalls – Parody of the above, optional viewing.
  3418. (D)2001: A Space Odyssey – A monolithic black object of unknown origin is discovered on the moon,
  3419. prompting an excursion to Jupiter. Set in what people during the 60s thought 2001 would be like, so it’s
  3420. far from accurate.
  3421. (D)Blade Runner – Haven’t seen this one, but I’ve heard it’s about a detective in the near future who
  3422. needs to track down sentient robots that think they’re people.
  3423. (A)(D) I, Robot – Based on the Asimov novel (see books list), a detective who is naturally distrustful of
  3424. robots attempts to discover the reason a robot murdered a businessman, despite the programming of
  3425. every robot prohibiting them from harming humans.
  3426. (A)The Matrix: A computer enthusiast starts hearing of something called the ‘Matrix’ on the internet
  3427. and is contacted by a group that says he can learn the truth about the Matrix only if he gives up his
  3428. normal life. Alludes heavily to “Alice in Wonderland” and religious scripture, so watch this only after you
  3429. finish with those.
  3430.  
  3431.  
  3432. Realistic fiction/nonfiction:
  3433. (N) denotes nonfiction
  3434.  
  3435. (A)(D)Gladiator – Don’t know much about this one, but it’s supposed to be a classic. Set in ancient Rome.
  3436. (D)Casablanca – In the early 1940s, French Morocco is occupied by the Nazis. Two resistance fighters try to escape to a safer country.
  3437. (B)(D)Forrest Gump - A dumb but good-hearted man recounts his entire life to passers-by as he sits on a
  3438. bench in a park, starting with his childhood in the late 1940s and ending with the reason he’s on the
  3439. bench. Not many of them stay to listen, even though he was involved in some very influential events of
  3440. the 20th century.
  3441. (D)Do the Right Thing – A restaurant in a predominantly black neighborhood is owned by a white man
  3442. and his sons. A young black employee of the restaurant struggles with racial tensions.
  3443. (D)West Side Story – A musical about two rival gangs in New York.
  3444. (D)Rear Window – A bedridden man spies on his neighbors out of boredom, and uncovers what he
  3445. suspects to be a murder.
  3446. (D)Horror movies, especially those by Stephen King - You seem squeamish about death in general, so
  3447. you can skip this if you really want to. There’s only one scene that’s absolutely mandatory, so you can
  3448. only view that if you don’t want to see more than you’re comfortable with.
  3449. (D)(N)Apollo 13 - After two successful moon landings, a follow-up mission for a third moon landing is
  3450. started. Things don’t go well. Safe enough for Spike, though I’m not sure he’d enjoy it as much as you.
  3451.  
  3452. (D)From Russia With Love – From the ‘James Bond’ spy fiction series. Notably different from others of
  3453. this series for a more realistic storyline that doesn’t rely on science fiction elements such as lasers and
  3454. space ships. ‘Casino Royale’ is also worth viewing, in that respect.
  3455. (A)(C)Austin Powers – Parody of the ‘James Bond’ series, optional viewing.
  3456. (D)(N)13 Days - A cinematic portrayal of the event that most historians agree is the closest the world ever
  3457. came to actually starting a nuclear war.
  3458. (D)(C)Dr. Strangelove – Satire of US/Soviet relations during the Cold War. Inept leaders try to get a
  3459. political advantage over each other even in the face of imminent nuclear annihilation.
  3460. (B)(D)Citizen Kane – The life story of a fictional newspaper company owner who dies sad and alone after
  3461. a prosperous and happy life.
  3462. (D) Pulp Fiction – Haven’t seen this one yet. Drugs, violence, and crime.
  3463. (D)The Green Mile – A prison inmate sentenced to death is actually a very nice person. I know very little
  3464. about this one, but it’s supposed to be a classic.
  3465. (D)(N)Zero Dark Thirty – Dramatized portrayal of the events leading to the death of Osama Bin Laden.
  3466.  
  3467.  
  3468. War (Sub-genre of realistic fiction):
  3469. What it says it is. Not safe for Spike in the least.
  3470.  
  3471. (A)(D)Saving Private Ryan – Set during the beginning of the Allies’ invasion of France in World War 2, a
  3472. squad of soldiers from the US Army try to track down another US soldier who is entitled to return home
  3473. because both of his siblings have died in the war.
  3474. (D)Downfall – Foreign language film, but subtitled. Supposed to be the most accurate retelling of the
  3475. events surrounding the end of the European front of World War 2, from a German’s perspective.
  3476. (D)Apocalypse Now –A rogue Colonel of the US military abandons the Vietnam War and runs off to an
  3477. adjacent country. A special unit is sent to retrieve him, but they end up meeting morally reprehensible
  3478. people and doing things they find troubling on the way.
  3479. (A)(D)Red Dawn – The Soviet Union launches a surprise attack on the United States, invading some of
  3480. the US’s territory. The story follows a group of American resistance fighters that name themselves after
  3481. their school’s sports team.
  3482. (A)Rambo 3 – John Rambo is a one man army fighting the Soviet occupation of Afghanistan. Senseless
  3483. violence, little story. I’m sure you’ll love it. I recommend watching the ‘Rocky Balboa’ series after this and ‘Red
  3484. Dawn.’
  3485.  
  3486.  
  3487. Others:
  3488.  
  3489. (D)At least one detective noir film prior to watching ‘Blade Runner’
  3490. (C)Silent films by Charlie Chaplin
  3491. (D)The Ten Commandments – Since you walked out on Passover. Cheesy, but it’s the same story.
  3492. (D)The Wizard of Oz – Dorothy is a restless farm girl. Her life changes drastically after a tornado strikes.
  3493. Should be safe for Spike.
  3494. (?)A ‘Bollywood’ style musical
  3495.  
  3496.  
  3497. TV
  3498. You can probably get away with watching just a few episodes of each of these unless you find something
  3499. that really hooks you.
  3500.  
  3501. “Leave it to Beaver” 50s live action drama about a family with two young boys.
  3502. “Johnny Carson Show” 50s variety show with lots of guests.
  3503. “Looney Toons” cartoons by the Warner Brothers Company. Should be safe for Spike.
  3504. “Star Trek” 60s live action show about the crew of a large spaceship exploring the universe.
  3505. “Seinfeld” 90s live action situation comedy about city life.
  3506. “The Simpsons” cartoon situation comedy about a family that loves each other, even though they don’t
  3507. get along. I recommend the earlier seasons over the recent episodes.
  3508. “Azumanga Daioh” Japanese comedy/drama “anime” cartoon about school life. Anime is a pretty broad
  3509. medium, so let me know if you want more.
  3510. “Generation Kill” dramatic miniseries about a US platoon during the invasion of Iraq in 2003. Single-
  3511. handedly created the ‘tactical babble’ trend in subsequent military-themed media. I recommend that
  3512. you finish the music section before viewing this.
  3513.  
  3514.  
  3515. MUSIC (I recommend you do this section in order. I have it arranged roughly chronologically.)
  3516.  
  3517.  
  3518. Classical:
  3519. This section is sort of bare, but a lot of it's really long symphonies and such. Some of the
  3520. movies use classical pieces for their soundtrack, so I left a little out to surprise you.
  3521.  
  3522. Toccata and Fugue in D minor
  3523. Mozart’s Requiem
  3524. Moonlight Sonata
  3525. For Elise (Suggested by my mother. Could you tell?)
  3526. Beethoven’s Seventh, movement two
  3527. 1812 Overture
  3528.  
  3529.  
  3530. Slave spirituals/gospel music (MANDATORY):
  3531.  
  3532. Amazing Grace
  3533. Let My People Go
  3534. Down By the Riverside
  3535.  
  3536.  
  3537. Politically relevant music of the 20th century:
  3538.  
  3539. “God Save the King” and “Let Freedom Ring”
  3540. The Nazi German Anthem, “Deutschland Uber Alles [Germany Above All Others]”
  3541. Soviet National Anthem
  3542. The US anthem, “Star Spangled Banner”
  3543.  
  3544.  
  3545. Jazz/swing/Motown:
  3546.  
  3547. Listen to the Jazz Decades on Sunday night at 8pm for at least 30 minutes
  3548. God Bless the Child
  3549. Louis Armstrong and Ella Fitzgerald duets, including “Cheek to Cheek”
  3550. Ray Charles (Also a biography movie of him, let me know if you’re interested)
  3551. Frank Sinatra
  3552. I Heard it Through the Grapevine
  3553. R-E-S-P-E-C-T - Aretha Franklin
  3554. Shop Around
  3555.  
  3556.  
  3557. Rock (Early):
  3558.  
  3559. Blue Suede Shoes –Johnny Cash
  3560. Jailhouse Rock and other Elvis Presley songs
  3561. The Beatles
  3562.  
  3563.  
  3564. Early classic rock/war protest music:
  3565.  
  3566. The Times, They Are A-Changin’
  3567. Another Brick in the Wall
  3568. 4 Dead in Ohio (Inspired by the Kent State protest)
  3569. War - Edwin Starr
  3570. Fortunate Son
  3571. Rolling Stones
  3572.  
  3573.  
  3574. Country:
  3575. I’m not very familiar with these next two genres, so please forgive the lack of content here.
  3576.  
  3577. When the Man Comes Around - Johnny Cash
  3578. Dolly Parton
  3579. Glen Campbell
  3580. Picture - Kid Rock and Sheryl Crow
  3581.  
  3582.  
  3583. Disco:
  3584.  
  3585. The Jackson 5
  3586. Earth, Wind, and Fire
  3587. Bee Gees
  3588.  
  3589.  
  3590. Early popular music:
  3591.  
  3592. In the Air Tonight - Phil Collins
  3593. Every Breath You Take - Police
  3594. Girls Just Want To Have Fun
  3595. Don’t You Want Me, Baby?
  3596. Thriller (music video), Beat It - Michael Jackson
  3597. Superstitious - Stevie Wonder
  3598. Take Me On (music video)
  3599. With or Without You
  3600. It Must Have Been Love (But it’s Over Now)
  3601. Under Pressure
  3602. Heaven is a Place on Earth
  3603. Space Oddity
  3604. Bohemian Rhapsody
  3605.  
  3606.  
  3607. Classic Rock (late/metal):
  3608.  
  3609. Don’t Stop Believing
  3610. The Summer of ’69
  3611. Paradise City
  3612. We’re Not Gonna Take It and I Wanna Rock
  3613. Back in Black, For Those About to Rock, Thunderstruck - AC/DC
  3614. Peace Sells, Hangar 18, and For Whom the Bell Tolls
  3615. Sad But True, Nothing Else Matters - Metallica
  3616. Smells Like Teen Spirit - Nirvana
  3617. Do the Evolution - Pearl Jam (with the accompanying video!)
  3618.  
  3619.  
  3620. Hip hop:
  3621.  
  3622. Ain’t Nothin But a G Thang
  3623. The World is Yours
  3624. Wu-Tang Clan
  3625. Ice, Ice, Baby
  3626. Can’t Touch This
  3627. Gangsters’ Paradise
  3628. Changes - Tupac
  3629.  
  3630. Popular music (recent):
  3631.  
  3632. Everybody Dance Now
  3633. Macarena
  3634. Waiting For Tonight - Jennifer Lopez
  3635. I Will Always Love You - Celine Dion
  3636. Don’t Tell Me ‘Cause it Hurts
  3637. Do You Believe in Life After Love
  3638. One More Time - Britney Spears
  3639. Backstreet Boys/N*Sync (interchangeable)
  3640. I’m blue - Eiffel
  3641. Dust Yourself Off and Try Again
  3642. Harder, Faster, Better, Stronger
  3643. Who Let the Dogs Out
  3644. Hey Ya
  3645. Girlfriend - Avril Lavigne
  3646. Poker Face - Lady GaGa
  3647. Big Girls Don’t Cry
  3648. Single Ladies - Rihanna
  3649. Baby - Justin Bieber (please forgive me)
  3650. I Wanna be a Billionaire
  3651. Panamericano
  3652. Party Rock Anthem
  3653. Moves like Jagger
  3654. Gangnam Style
  3655. Not Gonna Write You A Love Song
  3656. Somebody That I Used to Know
  3657. Call Me Maybe
  3658.  
  3659.  
  3660. Rap and recent hip hop:
  3661.  
  3662. Hot in Here
  3663. Yeah - Usher
  3664. Crazy in Love
  3665. Where is the Love?
  3666. My Boo
  3667. In Da Club
  3668. Drop it Like It’s Hot
  3669. Candy Shop
  3670. Gold Digger
  3671. The Real Slim Shady
  3672. Empire State of Mind
  3673. Lonely - Akon
  3674. Irreplaceable - Beyoncé
  3675. Pon de Replay
  3676. Stronger - Kanye West
  3677. Lose Yourself - Eminem
  3678.  
  3679.  
  3680. What passes for rock now:
  3681. “Crawling in My Skin” or “Bring Me to Life”
  3682. Skater Boy
  3683. I Kissed a Girl
  3684. Viva la Vida
  3685. U2
  3686. Love Story - Katy Perry
  3687.  
  3688.  
  3689. >He put quite the list together
  3690. >The so called “comedy” about ‘nuclear war’ caught your eye, but you'll have to go through the list in detail later; Jon’s waiting
  3691. >Now for your original reason to come to the living room
  3692. >The top box is labeled ‘Toy Story’ and has some pictures of what look like human dolls and action figures on the outside
  3693. >The boxes seem to have a gap going across three of their thinner sides, and a book-like spine on the fourth
  3694. >You pry it open with your magic
  3695. >It hinges open like you’d expect it to, but with a soft pop that you didn’t expect
  3696. >Inside, there is a smaller black box with two external spindles and a transparent port showing whether the magnetic film inside is wound
  3697. >It’s not a ‘digital video disk,’ so it’s a ‘cassette’ by process of elimination
  3698. >With the format identified, you close the box and check through the rest of the stack by looking at their spines
  3699. >The second video’s box is labeled ‘The Lion King’
  3700. >The books are labeled ‘The Hobbit’ and ‘Harry Potter and the Sorcerer’s Stone’
  3701. >It’s going to seem rude if you keep Jon waiting much longer, so you levitate the boxes and books to bring them downstairs
  3702. >You spot a hoof-written note taped on the front of ‘The Lion King’ as you lift it
  3703.  
  3704.  
  3705. Twilight,
  3706.  
  3707. I know we don’t really see eye to eye, and not just because you’re two feet shorter than me. I owe it to
  3708. you for being patient this long. The last few weeks I really had nothing to do that was taking up too
  3709. much time to do this for you, but I blew it off because I figured you were still doing important things.
  3710. Laziness was also a factor. I’m going to be very busy over the next five days, so forgive me for making
  3711. you wait just a bit longer. Apologies are good, but the reason I’m writing this is to give you a heads-up
  3712. because this movie has a very dramatic and sad death sequence that I’m not sure you’d approve of
  3713. Spike seeing. The storyline is derived from a classic tragic play by the author William Shakespeare, so if
  3714. you want an unfiltered look at his style of storywriting in one of his other tragic plays you can look for
  3715. the transcript of ‘Macbeth’ in my room. It should be on top of the printer. I’ll try to get some of his
  3716. comedies if you’re interested in seeing more of his work.
  3717.  
  3718. Jake
  3719.  
  3720.  
  3721. >Wow, that’s actually borderline courteous of him
  3722. >…Maybe one more
  3723. >Just one
  3724. >This could be the (potentially drugged) juice speaking, but you’re going to consider giving humans one more chance to prove they can be civilized, even though they’re different
  3725. >And they’re also restricting how you use your magic, which is just… just NO, okay?
  3726. >That would be a deal breaker for you even if they were behaving in a way that Celestia would approve of
  3727. >If they want a shot at redemption, they’re not getting it easily
  3728. >They blew it on their first chance, and they threw away their second chance as well
  3729. >They’re going to have to work for it if they want to earn a third chance
  3730.  
  3731.  
  3732. Steam Chat
  3733. [BerberB X][NagromSreip X][redleader27 X]
  3734. BerberB
  3735. Online
  3736. In-Game
  3737. Combat Mission (that old WWII RTS that I modded so the Soviets represent c…
  3738. ---------------------
  3739. BerberB: So there’s a Heavy Armored Organism-22 on a ridge and all of my AT guys died in the last turn… thoughts?
  3740. PainedUlnar: Can it wait a minute? I’m in the middle of some calibrations.
  3741. PainedUlnar: By calibrations I mean trying to polish this script to actually work the way I want it to and by a minute I mean that it’s due at midnight without any late submissions being accepted
  3742. PainedUlnar: And I have no context or other information about your situation, so I can’t help
  3743. BerberB: Blitzkrieg waits for no man.
  3744. BerberB: btw, I understood that reference.
  3745. PainedUlnar: I thought you said that you hadn’t played that series.
  3746. BerberB: No
  3747. BerberB: But I did watch a let’s play of it.
  3748. PainedUlnar: YOU FOOL
  3749. PainedUlnar: YOU GOT ALL OF THE SPOILERS WITH NONE OF THE EMOTIONAL ATTACHMENT
  3750. BerberB: U mad?
  3751. PainedUlnar: No
  3752. PainedUlnar: But I am disappoint and I need to get back to this script.
  3753. PainedUlnar: holy shit why does this text box only accept input once I didn’t tell it to do that
  3754. PainedUlnar: At least I think I didn’t.
  3755. PainedUlnar: brb flowcharts
  3756. ---------------------
  3757. |
  3758. ---------------------
  3759. Last message received: Thursday, May 9, 2013 at 10:01 PM
  3760.  
  3761.  
  3762.  
  3763. Part 10
  3764.  
  3765. >Monday, May 13th, 8:55pm
  3766. >Year 22 and ‘HOLYFUCK DEADLIIIIINES’ on Earth
  3767. >And day ‘The US government is kind of shady, but we already knew that’
  3768. >Tapping the Associated Press’ phones is SO something they’d do
  3769. >Guess what?
  3770. >Today’s big news story is that they were doing just that
  3771. >The bit about the IRS being biased towards liberal organizations wasn’t as expected, but just about everything in the 2012 election had something dirty about it
  3772. >Also day ‘Equestria Girls trailer got released’ on Earth
  3773. >You saw the trailer a few hours ago and it looks like it might be decent
  3774. >Maybe-sorta who the hell is the guy with the blue hair, and why is Spike a dog?
  3775. >You’re not going to see it in theaters, though, lest the predictions of socially oblivious un-bathed hordes ruining young girls’ childhoods come true
  3776. >You are Jake Addams
  3777. >For the record, you did shower last night
  3778.  
  3779.  
  3780. >Today, you’re banging out a seven page essay about how China seems to have a historical bias towards strong central leadership instead of something more representative and accountable
  3781. >This is in addition to figuring out how to generate a non-repeating five digit combination using an ‘if’ statement instead of arrays to comply with your syllabus on Thursday, getting a checkup and a refresher on how to use Constant Contact for the church newsletter on Friday, donating blood on Saturday, filming a gospel group that visited your church/multi-religious study and worship community’s Mother’s Day service on Sunday morning, writing a paper contrasting the beliefs of John Arthur and James Shikwati with those of Peter Singer on Sunday afternoon, and spending today chasing down professor Jeandreau to hand in your ethics portfolio and the paper you finished last night
  3782. >You thought he said he’d be in his classroom until 1pm
  3783. >Apparently he meant he’d be there AT 1pm
  3784. >At least you didn’t have to compile the newsletter this week
  3785. >It doesn’t start until the week after this one, but you didn’t realize that until just now because you suck at scheduling and forgot to check whether it actually would conflict with your finals
  3786.  
  3787.  
  3788. >Once your portfolio was handed in, you settled into the student lounge and started copying down the details of the PRC’s governmental structure from ‘Comparative Politics in Transition’ and researching Taiwan’s current structure from their state website so you could have a point of contrast for your essay
  3789. >The lounge wasn’t the best choice of location
  3790. >There were still students there doing everything except work
  3791. >You’ve been “working” all day, hence the viewing of the ‘Equestria Girls’ trailer
  3792. >The guy who’s playing with that ‘Magic: The Gathering’ group using ‘Friendship is Magic: The Gathering’ custom cards struck up a bit of conversation with you
  3793. >Best pone, favorite episode, headcanons
  3794. >The usual stuff that totally doesn’t draw attention to the fact that you’re watching a cartoon for little girls and then discussing it in-depth in a public place
  3795. >It’s kind of hard to feel shame for that sort of thing when a third person who’s already familiar with the subject comes in and joins the conversation
  3796. >The little pills the doctors told you to take with breakfast help too
  3797. >That’s neither here nor there
  3798.  
  3799.  
  3800. >Apparently brony #2 had never heard of the Lyra plushie
  3801. >You didn’t ask which rock he was hiding under to have missed it, but you did try to find it on Derpibooru for him
  3802. >You discovered that it’s actually harder to find the original image of the item than it is to find edited images and art illustrating the possible alternative uses for what’s obviously intended to be a sex toy
  3803. >Anyway, you got maybe a third of the paper done in the lounge over the course of six hours
  3804. >Things picked up once you moved to the library to pick through reference materials
  3805. >Just a bit more, and you’re done
  3806. >You’re using Wikipedia just a teeny-tiny bit for this paper
  3807. >It’s not your fault that finding books you can reference about the structure and politics of early Republican China is so hard
  3808. >It is your fault that you’re typing this paper now and scrambling to find books with good reference material instead of getting it done over the weekend
  3809. >It’s due at midnight tonight
  3810. >It’ll be done by midnight tonight
  3811. >You’ve got six and a half pages already, so no problems there
  3812. >Conclusion paragraph, aaaaaand…
  3813. >Done
  3814. >Flip through the index of a few Taiwan tourism guides and Chinese history books to find references, add some in-line citations, make a reference page, and you’re golden
  3815. >If there’s one thing you learned from this, it’s that the Chinese People’s Congress is the world’s largest group of yes-men and they’re a stellar example of what happens when representation is stifled
  3816.  
  3817.  
  3818. >Jeandreau would love you if he knew you were thinking like that
  3819. >You could’ve sworn he was trying to indoctrinate you into libertarianism
  3820. >It’s a sensible philosophy, but you’d prefer to choose your own opinions
  3821. >References finished
  3822. >Now all you’ve got to do is email it to Professor Spadaccini from your school email account
  3823.  
  3824. Dear Professor Spadaccini,
  3825.  
  3826. Attached to this message is my final paper for your course. I apologize for the lack of citation, especially
  3827. in the first body paragraph, but I had difficulty finding references for the structure of Republican China’s
  3828. government prior to the rise of Chiang Kai-Shek.
  3829.  
  3830. Have a good summer!
  3831. Jake Addams
  3832.  
  3833.  
  3834. >Okay then, attach the file, hit send
  3835. >…Hmm
  3836. >Spadaccini said that he values honesty a lot
  3837. >He’s probably going to wonder where you got the information you used for the section about early Republican China if you didn’t cite any of it
  3838. >On the other hand, your entire grade for his relatively unstructured course is riding on this one paper, perfect attendance and coursework be damned
  3839. >Meh, he’s a cool enough guy
  3840. >He’ll understand
  3841.  
  3842. Dear Professor Spadaccini,
  3843.  
  3844. Attached to this message is my final paper for your course. I apologize for the lack of citation, especially
  3845. in the first body paragraph. I got the specifics from Wikipedia, but I had difficulty finding books about
  3846. the structure of Republican China’s government prior to the rise of Chiang Kai-Shek.
  3847.  
  3848. Have a good summer!
  3849. Jake Addams
  3850.  
  3851.  
  3852. >You’ve got your reservations about telling him, sure
  3853. >And you’ve only got yourself to blame for not trying to find any reference material or starting the paper until today
  3854. >But those are two details you’re pretty sure are best left implicit
  3855. >He had an entire semester and two other papers to learn that your style of work is ‘11th hour blitz’
  3856. >You’re pretty sure you actually told him about that in those exact words when he was chatting with the class about just random stuff that actually wasn’t political
  3857. >Whatever
  3858. >Send
  3859. >Sent
  3860. >Done
  3861. >Fuck yes, school’s out for summer!
  3862. >You pack away your laptop and turn in the books you were using at the desk, then swing by a vending machine to get a little something for Spike
  3863. >He’s probably going to have to wait until tomorrow to get it, but a bet is a bet
  3864. >You said “every day I go to school” and you went to school today
  3865. >Never making a bet with that thigh-high bastard again
  3866. >You haven’t been on the quad at night before
  3867. >It’s pretty much the same, just darker
  3868. >The weather’s gotten warmer and warmer over the last couple of weeks
  3869. >It’s pleasant, but there’s always a ton of tree pollen on your car
  3870. >Also caterpillar shit
  3871. >Fuck you too, nature
  3872. >The last thing you need is more shit to take care of today
  3873.  
  3874.  
  3875. >You go through the bookstore to turn in ‘Comparative Politics in Transition’ and ‘Vice and Virtue in Everyday Life’
  3876. >You were considering paying the extra money to buy ‘Vice and Virtue’ for Twilight, but thought better of it
  3877. >Knowing her, she’d read Plato’s ‘Rings of Gyges’ debate and fall in love with the conclusion that any human given the ability to live without repercussions of bad deeds would become evil no matter how noble they used to be
  3878. >Once she gets a computer, you could just look up the table of contents and tell her to Google it herself if she’s interested
  3879. >The local library might have it as well
  3880. >Your business is complete here
  3881. >All there is to do now is go home, rest, and finally get Twilight off of your case about building the computer for her
  3882. >You’ll go to the dump and MicroCenter for parts tomorrow
  3883. >For now, fuck work
  3884. >You’re eager to get home and get it all done with
  3885. >You walk through the sparsely-occupied parking lot to your car, unlock it with the remote, and climb inside
  3886. >The drive home is a bit darker than you’re used to, but you know the route well
  3887. >Turn past the hospital, down the main road, onto the highway, fifth off-ramp east, turn right at the traffic light, through the neighborhood, into the driveway, through the door
  3888. >And there’s Eliza working at the kitchen table
  3889. >She got home before you did
  3890. >This is a rare occurrence, but not unexpected; you stayed at college for eight hours more than you usually do
  3891.  
  3892.  
  3893. “Hi, mom.”
  3894. >“Hi, Jake. How do you think you did?”
  3895. “I’m feeling confident about my grades. I already got an A- back for my Comp Sci project.”
  3896. >“Do you want dinner? I bought some lasagna for you on the way home.”
  3897. “No, thanks. It’s sort of late, anyway.”
  3898. >“But the doctor said you lost weight. Did you get enough to eat today?”
  3899. “I did. I’m fine.”
  3900. >“Are you sure?”
  3901. “Yes, mom.”
  3902. >“Okay, I just want to make sure you’re getting enough.”
  3903. “I’ll try not to tempt you into going off of your diet.”
  3904. >You’re about to leave the kitchen when she starts speaking to you again
  3905. >“You need to spend more time with Twilight Sparkle.”
  3906. “What?”
  3907. >“I talked this over with Jon earlier. He agreed. She’s been very withdrawn the whole time she’s been here, even when she was in a good mood, or pretending to be in a good mood. She needs companionship.”
  3908. “Why me? Why not Jon or Spike?”
  3909. >“She’s been pushing Jon away a bit, recently. Jon said it seems like she might be-”
  3910. >Jon peeks out of his office
  3911. >“Did someone say my name?”
  3912.  
  3913.  
  3914. “We’re talking about how to improve Twilight’s mood.”
  3915. >“Oh. I talked about this with Eliza earlier. Our guest of equine nature”
  3916. >He gestures dramatically and enunciates those last two words
  3917. >“was less friendly towards me over the last few weeks. She never tells me why when I ask her. She’s getting friendlier again, but she’s not coming upstairs just to debate science like she used to.”
  3918. “But why not Spike?”
  3919. >“I talked with him last week when he was washing dishes. He’s been trying to get Twilight to open up, but he’s not making any headway.”
  3920. “So I’m supposed to spend time with her and do what, exactly?”
  3921. >“We all know she’s hiding something that’s making her stressed. You and Spike are going to try to find out what it is.”
  3922. “I think it might be a better idea if we wait for her to tell us.”
  3923. >“This was Spike’s idea. I think he knows what he’s talking about. He knows her better than you do, after all.”
  3924. >Well, that would explain why this is such a terrible idea
  3925. >You’re sort of reluctant, but…
  3926. “Alright, I’ll go along with it.”
  3927. >“One more thing. ¿Va a construir la computadora la semana próxima?
  3928. >He’s speaking Spanish again
  3929. >This can only mean that he’s going to bring the topic towards Celestia
  3930. “Si. ¿Por qué me preguntar?”
  3931.  
  3932.  
  3933. >“Es un riesgo enorme para que le permita usar la computadora. Necesitamos tener comunicación directa con las reinas.”
  3934. >It’s a big risk to let her use the computer, so we need more direct communications with the…queens?
  3935. “They’re not-”
  3936. >“¡Lo sé! Yo no quiero decir alguna palabra que pudiera reconocer.”
  3937. >Oh
  3938. >The alternative was to say something that sounded too much like “princess,” which you almost said in plain English like a fucking idiot
  3939. >Eliza has no clue what either of you are saying and goes back to grading schoolwork or whatever she was doing when you got here
  3940. “¿Y que debemos hacer?”
  3941. >“Voy a tratar de conseguir una excusa para escribir cartas directamente a ella. Puedo manejar esta parte de mí mismo. Cuando tenemos una excusa, se puede empezar a contar con más frecuencia si tú piensas que ella está acercando a aprender el secreto.”
  3942. >So once he’s got an excuse to start writing letters to the princesses, he’ll dump it on you so you can start sending updates straight to the princesses instead of stowing suspicious ‘LOL SHOW TO NOBODY EXCEPT CELLY AND LULU’ letters with Twilight’s
  3943. “Got it.”
  3944. >“Good. Now go get some rest. You look like you need it.”
  3945. “You don’t have to tell me twice.”
  3946. >With that, you walk out of the kitchen
  3947. >After several nights of getting to sleep sometime around 1 am, you'd like nothing more than sleep right now
  3948. >You set down your backpack and flop into bed like you have never flopped before
  3949.  
  3950.  
  3951. >And then you realize that you haven’t taken care of something important
  3952. >You pull your laptop out of your bag and hinge it open
  3953. >“Jake?”
  3954. >Twilight is here to bother you again
  3955. >Your impatient response doesn’t surprise her at all
  3956. “What is it? I’ve had a really long day and I know I promised to make that computer for you this week.”
  3957. >“It’s not that. I just had a couple of questions.”
  3958. “Please make them quick.”
  3959. >“I finally got a chance to watch ‘Toy Story’ with Spike today, and I didn’t understand some of it. Spike recommended that I have some sort of ‘guide’ for when I watch movies that reference other parts of human culture.”
  3960. “You just got around to it now?”
  3961. >“I’ve been busy with a few things, mostly working with Jon, studying history, and magic. We finally gave up on trying to determine if the programming of the Canterlot Computer could cause physical harm to the circuitry. I decided to take a break before we choose what to investigate next.”
  3962. “I’m guessing Spike recommended me.”
  3963. >“Did the conversation you had in the kitchen tip you off?”
  3964. >She’s right, but how would she have heard it?
  3965. “How did you know what that was about? Spike told me he thinks you’re going deaf.”
  3966. >“I- I’m not going deaf!”
  3967. >Spike also told you that she gets really freaked out if someone says they think she’s going deaf
  3968.  
  3969.  
  3970. >She has been hearing less stuff that’s been happening upstairs recently, but from what you’ve seen her hearing seems to be normal when she’s upstairs
  3971. >Now she’s got super hearing?
  3972. >As if being a fucking alicorn wizard princess wasn’t enough for her
  3973. “Raising your voice like that doesn’t make me believe you more.”
  3974. >“I was just expecting them to talk about that! That’s all.”
  3975. “Whatever.”
  3976. >“So you’re okay with watching a few of these movies with me?”
  3977. “I have nothing better to do than cater to your every frivolous whim, milady Purplesmart.”
  3978. >She has a look of concern about her, not just because your last remark was dripping with sarcasm
  3979. >“Why did you call me that?”
  3980. >Because 4chan
  3981. “Because you’re purple and smart. It fits. Spike and I started using nicknames, so you get one too.”
  3982. >“I think you called me that about a month ago as well…”
  3983. “I seriously don’t remember when that happened. I’m sure you were just as smart and purple then as you are now.”
  3984. >“Ugh. Forget I asked. Back to my real question, were those real models of toys in that movie?”
  3985. “They were computer models. I thought you would kn-”
  3986. >Now her patience is starting to wear through
  3987. >“You just said I’m smart. Don’t act like I’m stupid. I meant that outside of the movie, could a human go to a store and buy toys like any of the ones in the movie?”
  3988.  
  3989.  
  3990. “Just about. A few were made up just for the movie, but the fire truck one is one that I remember having when I was really young.”
  3991. >“What about the green figurines that had plastic bases on their feet?”
  3992. “The army men?”
  3993. >“Yes.”
  3994. “Those have been around since long before the movie.”
  3995. >“What are they for?”
  3996. “Kids play with them. They’re toys.”
  3997. >“I figured that. How are they supposed to be used?”
  3998. “You’re supposed to set them up to make dioramas of battles and things.”
  3999. >“What’s the general age range for that sort of toy?”
  4000. “Old enough to know not to put them in your mouth.”
  4001. >“Are they a popular toy?”
  4002. “Somewhat. They’re well known, at least.”
  4003. >“Let me just see if I understand this…”
  4004. >She lifts a fore-hoof up and holds it a bit in front of her
  4005. >“These are popular toys…”
  4006. “Yes.”
  4007. >She moves her hoof aside, staring at the space it occupied
  4008. >“They’re intended for children too young to understand politics…”
  4009. “I guess.”
  4010. >She looks back to you while moving her hoof back and forth, as if she’s trying to arrange her thoughts in the air in front of her
  4011. >“And they’re about war?”
  4012. “Pretty much.”
  4013. >She raises her hoof into a one-sided shrug, her brow furrowing in disgust
  4014. >“So they’re for teaching children to enjoy war? For Celestia’s sake, hasn’t anyhuman seen that there’s something systemically and morally WRONG about that?”
  4015. “Probably.”
  4016. >“Do you see anything wrong with that?”
  4017. >Give her the answer she wants
  4018. “A bit. Are you done? I’m really not in the mood for this.”
  4019.  
  4020.  
  4021. >The hoof drops back into place
  4022. >Her expression changes from something accusatory to something contemplative
  4023. >“Well… it’s good to know there might be a reasonable human somewhere.”
  4024. >She begins to back out of the doorway
  4025. >“Thank you for the note on ‘The Lion King,’ by the way. You might not be totally reasonable, but at least you’re thoughtful.”
  4026. >She gets to bother you, so now it's your turn
  4027. “Hold up. I have a question for you.”
  4028. >She stops
  4029. “Has anyone ever told you that you ask loaded questions at inappropriate times?”
  4030. >“Has anyone ever told you that your society brings up a lot of loaded questions about inappropriate things?”
  4031. >Should have seen that retort coming
  4032. “Yeah, well… this is Earth. It sucks here, but at least it’s not completely horrible.”
  4033. >“Put that phrase on the front of a tourism pamphlet and see whether anyone wants to visit.”
  4034. “That doesn’t change the fact that you’re asking at really bad times.”
  4035. >She starts to back out of the room again
  4036. >“I prefer to get things when I want them.”
  4037. >And she’s finally gone
  4038. >Back to business, then to bed
  4039.  
  4040.  
  4041. Steam Chat
  4042. [BerberB X][NagromSreip X][redleader27 X]
  4043. NagromSreip
  4044. Offline
  4045. ---------------------
  4046. PainedUlnar: Hey, do you know any programs I could use to cause a web browser to run into false 502 errors when it finds certain phrases or content on a web page?
  4047. PainedUlnar: I also would like a discreet program that could be used to watch one computer’s screen from another computer and move the mouse around and shit
  4048. PainedUlnar: Preferably free ones or ones that can be pirated without much risk of bots and viruses.
  4049. PainedUlnar: I think the latter one might actually be part of Windows. If you know how to use it, let me know.
  4050. PainedUlnar: I need to do some script kiddie work.
  4051. PainedUlnar: Because of reasons.
  4052. PainedUlnar: I’m going to close this chat window and go to bed now, also because of reasons. IM, phone, or text me soon. This is sort of urgent.
  4053. NagromSreip is currently offline and will see your message the next time they log on.
  4054. ---------------------
  4055. |
  4056. ---------------------
  4057. Last message received: Sunday, May 12, 2013 at 7:22 PM
  4058.  
  4059.  
  4060.  
  4061. XEDx2

The Aftershow part 1: Here Be Dragons

by AchingScaphoid

The Aftershow part 2: Carbohydrates, Capitalism, and Cute Couples

by AchingScaphoid

Long Distance: Prologue

by AchingScaphoid

LD Chapter 1: Gimme Shelter

by AchingScaphoid

LD Chapter 2: Making Connections

by AchingScaphoid