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LD Chapter 5: Nothing Glorious

By AchingScaphoid
Created: 2021-07-16 21:31:33
Updated: 2021-04-28 14:38:29
Expiry: Never
twilight sparklethrillercomedyspikemysteryponies in earthhumanslong distance

  1. Oh boy, where to begin with this?
  2. I feel like my storytelling went a bit off the rails here. There are a few parts that I think NEED to be revised/retconned/whatever before I continue this story, and that's part of what's had me hung up on hunkering down and completing this story for the last... shit, six years since I last updated? This is shameful. I'm not giving excuses for this. I have had all the free time I need, and instead I'm playing Space Station 13 and shit. New update Soon(tm), or at least that's what I'm praying I get myself to do.
  3.  
  4.  
  5. Part 1
  6.  
  7. >Wednesday, May 15th, 9:19 am
  8. >Day ‘problem solving’ on Earth
  9. >You are Spike
  10. >Jake is okay, but Twilight doesn’t seem to think that because she doesn’t see much of him
  11. >She’s also upset with Jon because of rabbits, but there’s not much you can do there
  12. >It seems like it's sorting itself out anyway
  13. >She's coming around to thinking Jon is fine again
  14. >The way to convince Twilight Jake’s fine is to make them be together
  15. >They do stuff together, they talk, they figure out they have stuff in common, and then Twilight will stop being such a shut-in
  16.  
  17. >The logic is flawless
  18. >This plan is totally going to work
  19. >Jon already had his turn watching that show about how the bike paths around here are terrible that ran last week around bedtime, so we won’t even miss the TV as much
  20. >I got this all figured out
  21. >Who said you could handle the social stuff?
  22. >It’s my turn to bask in my glory
  23. >Let me have this
  24. >This is going to end in tears.
  25. >I’m open to suggestions if you have better ideas
  26. >Shut up.
  27. >I’ll take that as a no
  28.  
  29.  
  30. >You’re a decent way through ‘Banjo Tooie’ by now
  31. >They’ve got an amusement park level
  32. >Twi says that humans are really good at making huge machines
  33. >She tends to dwell on the fact that half of them are for killing each other
  34. >Part of your plan to make her happy is to get her to think about that less
  35. >But if humans are good at building tanks, they must be awesome at making roller coasters
  36. >And they made these games, which is pretty cool too
  37. >You’ve been taking notes the whole time, because now you know you’re supposed to do that sort of thing
  38. >It’s a good game, but that part’s kind of annoying
  39. >You’re not going to quit just because of that
  40. >It’s annoying, sure, but it’s not a deal breaker
  41. >Twilight’s practically looking for deal breakers
  42. >At least that’s what it feels like
  43. >If she was playing this game, she’d probably stop at the very beginning
  44.  
  45.  
  46. >To start, the guy who taught you stuff in the last game gets the life sucked out of him to bring back the witch lady that you beat in the last game
  47. >He turns into some sort of ghost thingy with a circle thing over his head, so you have to go fight the green gorilla-looking guy who’s stopping you from chasing after the getaway drill thing being driven by dead-witch and her not-dead sisters
  48. >Then you go through a village of those guys who were hiding around the levels in the last game, and one of the houses was crushed and has a little sign saying that everyone inside died because the getaway drill thing ran over it
  49. >And then you meet king hiding-McPointyface, who gets his life sucked out and becomes a zombie instead of a circle ghost
  50. >After that, you have to explain to the wife and kids of the teacher guy that he’s not going to be home for dinner because he’s sort of dead for the moment
  51. >Then you go to jiggy-head guy and he lets you start playing the real levels
  52. >The first level has a different sort of triangle buildings built by slaves
  53. >Twi said that she found out the ones in Banjo Kazooie actually were built by paid workers, but these Mayan triangle buildings were definitely built by slaves
  54. >Oh, and since the original move-teacher guy is dead for now, he’s been replaced by his brother, which Jake says is “a reference to the Arley Eremy sort of military instructors”
  55.  
  56.  
  57. >You don’t know who this “Arley” guy is
  58. >That doesn’t matter, though, because “military instructors” told you all you need to know
  59. >Twilight’s gonna flip out if she sees him, or pretty much anything else except for that one detail about the triangle buildings built by slaves
  60.  
  61. >What is it with triangles and human slaves, anyway?
  62. >No idea
  63. >Maybe that’s just a ‘thing’ here
  64.  
  65. >Speaking of human slaves, Jake is putting together Twi’s computer in the basement right now while Twilight ‘supervises’
  66. >Prior to the daily ‘not finding what’s wrong with the Canterlot Computer’ routine with Jon, this is the most open spot in Twilight’s schedule at the moment
  67. >Jake would like to sleep in during that time, and you can’t blame him
  68. >He’s been getting kind of angry at her for bugging him to get that done
  69. >Mostly because he can’t tell what she’s trying to get across to him
  70. >She’s been keeping him from sleeping and being annoying to him, but he’s starting later than he thought he would and doing it quicker than he said he could
  71. >You can’t tell who’s in the right
  72. >It’s none of your business anyway
  73. >It should just blow over once the computer is ready
  74. >You can hear Jake talking with Twilight and working on the computer through the open basement door
  75.  
  76.  
  77. >They’re not saying anything interesting, just distracting you from shooting eggs at the patches on the inflatable dragon guy who’s the boss in this level
  78. >The dive attack in the last game was hard to aim, but now that you’re shooting eggs and flying at the same time it’s gotten sort of complicated
  79. >You don’t feel like getting up to close the door, so you’re paused and eavesdropping again
  80. >“Do you really have no questions, Twilight? Or is it that you just can’t stand me?”
  81. >“You’re fine. I’ve got plenty of questions, and that’s the problem.”
  82. >“So solve the problem and ask me.”
  83. >“The solution is the problem. There aren’t answers to questions like ‘why do humans think that Phoenix feathers contain OMCM, and how would a human conduct magical energy they don’t have through something that’s not part of their body?’ And for that matter, what sort of word is ‘muggle?’ The human concept of magic is absolute nonsense! I don’t think I can stand to read any more of this because so much of it is blatantly, distractingly wrong!”
  84. >She must be reading that book about Harry pot-person
  85. >“Don’t blame us for not understanding something we thought was fake.”
  86. >“Nopony’s blaming anyone. I’m calling it like it is, and it doesn’t make sense!”
  87. >“You’re being obnoxious.”
  88. >“Is it wrong to criticize something that has faults?”
  89.  
  90.  
  91. >“No, but you are criticizing something that isn't our fault. Give it a rest!”
  92. >“Are you still upset about Monday?”
  93. >“You could have waited until morning to ask me about the one aspect of the movie you decided to tunnel vision onto.”
  94. >“I did not ‘tunnel vision’ on the toy soldiers.”
  95. >“It’s the only thing you asked about from all three of the movies you’ve watched.”
  96. >“I’m studying your society and inferring what I can from the movies. Most of it’s the same, and I’ve picked up on most of the differences already. The toy soldiers were the only thing that stuck out.”
  97. >“So you don’t have toys like that in Equestria? How about chess? Do you play chess?”
  98. >“I don’t want to talk about Equestria. I want to talk about Earth.”
  99. >“Fine. We’ll talk about Earth.”
  100. >They proceed to not talk about anything for thirty seconds
  101. >Jake breaks the silence in a half-grumbling tone
  102. >“I would have expected a lot more questions after you watched Alice in Wonderland.”
  103. >“Actually, I do have two questions about that, but they’re sort of low priority right now.”
  104. >“Spit em’ out. I want to be done with this ASAP.”
  105. >Ooh, he’s getting snappy
  106. >Lucky you paused the game, because you might have to run down there and break this up if you’re going to get “step 1: make Twilight think the humans here are okay” to work
  107. >“Come on, Jake. Why the attitude?”
  108. >“I could ask you the same thing.”
  109.  
  110.  
  111. >“Would you please not take this towards petty squabbling?”
  112. >“I won’t if you won’t. Unfortunately, you already did when you pulled me out of bed at 7am today.”
  113. >“I’d prefer to get what I want when I want it. See it from my point of view, would you? Every second I have to wait is another second I don’t get to use the internet to study humans, and you’ve made me wait a month.”
  114. >“You’re one to talk about empathy.”
  115. >“I won’t need to do things that make you grumpy if you don’t break your promises. Deal?”
  116. >“You’ve got a deal, ‘purlplesmart.’”
  117. >“Stop calling me that!”
  118. >“Quit being a taskmaster.”
  119. >“Please, stop calling me that.”
  120. >“That’s better.”
  121. >Now it seems like it’s calming down again
  122. >They’re quiet for a while, then Twilight sheepishly tries to restart the conversation
  123. >“So, uh, about those questions I wanted to ask…”
  124. >Jake still sounds grumpy
  125. >“I’m willing to answer them.”
  126. >“Oh! Good, I was worried that I’d put you in the wrong mood for that.”
  127. >“You did, but that one’s a Pinkie Promise. Something tells me that those are more serious commitments.”
  128. >“And you’d be right. There was this one time my friend, Applejack, made a Pinkie promise to-”
  129. >“Ask the questions.”
  130. >“Alright, alright! So much for breaking the tension.”
  131.  
  132.  
  133. >“You set yourself up to fail at that. I’m not in the mood for idle chatter.”
  134. >“You set me up to set you up. Whatever. Was the ‘Queen of Hearts’ character a reference to anything?”
  135. >“I don’t know. French Revolution, maybe. Ask the next one.”
  136. >“I actually thought of another one just now. What was the human who wrote that story on?”
  137. >“Opium.”
  138. >“You’re sure it’s opium?”
  139. >“How much detail did that encyclopedia’s history section have?”
  140. >“It was the bare minimum. On a scale of one to ten, ten being the most, how sure are you that it was opium?”
  141. >“Nine and a half. It was in Britain in the 19th century.”
  142. >“Well, I haven’t been presented with anything that depicts that culture.”
  143. >“I told you that list wasn’t done. I wanted to put some Charles Dickens on there, but you wanted it when you wanted it.”
  144. >Now Twilight is getting impatient, too
  145. >“You also told me you’d have this computer ready sooner.”
  146. >“Now who’s dwelling on the past?”
  147. >“You started this.”
  148. >“You’re the one perpetuating it. Why? Do you hate me, or something?”
  149. >“Expressing hatred towards an individual is a misdemeanor crime in Equestria.”
  150. >“Well then it’s a good thing you’re not in Equestria, because it’s pretty clear that you have a massive prejudice against humans. By the way, that law is the silliest thing I’ve heard of.”
  151. >“Of course you’d think it’s silly; your culture is fueled by hatred and violence!”
  152. >“It’s a shame those words are so bitter.”
  153. >“Why’s that?”
  154. >“You’re going to eat them.”
  155.  
  156.  
  157. >“Doubtful. You want to know why I’m perpetuating this little spat we’re having?”
  158. >“Tell me. It should be good for a laugh.”
  159. >You imagine that they’re pretty much butting heads down there at this point
  160. >“I could be home before I finish this sentence, and you make me wait a month before you even try to get me independent access to the largest library humans have ever assembled! The Xiezhi Qilin Collective’s best and brightest are going to arrive in Canterlot next week. If they have a way to get me home, I’ve got no time to spare!”
  161. >“You’re getting what you’re paying for. I don’t see you doing anything to make up for the money coming out of my pocket to build this thing, let alone the food and supplies my family buys for you! And who the hell are the ‘zay shee key-lin,’ anyway?”
  162. >“You finish that computer, and I just might get you a book that tells you all about them.”
  163. >“Do I look like one of Pavlov’s dogs to you?! Do you think you can just ring a little bell and I’ll start slobbering for whatever you offer me?”
  164. >“I don’t even know who Pavlov is!”
  165. >“Then we’re even on that level. You know where we’re not even? Favors.”
  166. >There’s a sound that suggests some large, impatient, two-legged creature is stomping up the stairs
  167. >“Hey! Where do you think you’re going?”
  168. >“I just formed a one-man labor union and decided to go on strike. Tough luck, purplesmart.”
  169. >“STOP CALLING ME THAT!”
  170. >You lean over the side of the couch to see Jake walking towards the kitchen
  171.  
  172.  
  173. >Well, that was quicker than I thought it would be. Step 1 is a failure.
  174. >Not yet it isn’t
  175. >You got a plan?
  176. >No
  177. >Well sort of, but Twilight won’t like it
  178. >You spring from the couch cushion and make for the basement
  179. >There’s a characteristic red-purple glow coming up the staircase along with a soft, high pitched ringing
  180. >When you finally catch sight of Twilight, she’s sitting on the floor with her nose in a computer case instead of a book
  181. >She’s trying and failing to use her magic on the parts of the computer while muttering to herself
  182. >It looks like she’s doing okay-ish
  183. >She’s not dropping anything, but she doesn’t seem to have the control you’d expect from her
  184. >“C’mon… c’mon, get in there… ‘It’s plug and play! You don’t need me to do it, Twilight! Now leave me alone and let me sleep!’ Not when you don’t let me ‘plug,’ I can’t… Is this even the right slot?”
  185. “Why don’t you ask someone who’d know?”
  186. >Twilight sits up so fast that it throws her mane back and tosses the computer part towards the ceiling
  187. >She barely recovers fast enough to stop it from hitting anything
  188.  
  189.  
  190. >It’s almost as if she lost her grip on it for a moment, as if that’s possible
  191. >Pretty sure it’s not, but hey, “this place is weird,” right?
  192.  
  193. “You okay?”
  194. >“Yeah, yeah, I’m fine! You, uh, you just startled me.”
  195. “Are you sure you’re okay? You don’t sound okay.”
  196.  
  197. >The proper word for her tone is “dismissive”
  198. >Go join a spelling bee.
  199.  
  200. >“I’m as fine as I get when I’m stranded away from home and not getting what I need.”
  201. “I was listening to your conversation with Jake. Do you seriously think they’re going to figure out how we got here, let alone how to-”
  202. >The expression on her face freezes your voice in your throat
  203. >It’s mostly blank, except for the eyes
  204. >She’s begging you to stop
  205. >She knows what you’re about to ask her
  206. >She already knows the answer to the question, and she doesn’t want to hear the answer
  207. >You’ll let her have hope, at least for now
  208. “…then again, what do I know about theoretical spellcasting? Still, shouldn’t we try to make our time here something we can say we enjoyed?”
  209. >She returns to her clumsy attempts to put the thingamajig into the whatsit in the computer
  210. >“I’m never going to enjoy it here.”
  211.  
  212.  
  213. “Are you going to TRY to enjoy it here?”
  214. >“It’s not going to make any difference if I try. Having control of my magic taken away from me is… it isn’t right.”
  215. “Are you going to let that ruin everything? Do you want to be miserable?”
  216. >“I don’t want to be miserable, but that’s not stopping me from being miserable. It’s like nothing here is the way I want it to be.”
  217. “So go upstairs right now and make something the way you want it to be.”
  218. >“I’m not apologizing to him. This is his fault.”
  219. “It doesn’t sound like he’ll apologize because he thinks this is your fault. One of you has to take the first step.”
  220. >Twilight stops and lays the part on her desk
  221. “Come on. You’re Celestia’s faithful student. Act like it.”
  222.  
  223. >That was sort of a low blow.
  224. >She needs to be pushed in a new direction
  225. >Judging by her sigh, she’s about to agree
  226.  
  227. >“If there’s anything humans seem to need, it’s friendship. I’m not sure if it’s truly possible to befriend a human.”
  228. “You were getting along fine with Jon, and I’d say Jake is my friend.”
  229. >She gets up onto her legs
  230. >“I’m sort of sad to see the concept of impossibility go. There was a bit of comfort in it.”
  231. >Her hooves clop softly across the cement floor as she heads for the stairs
  232. >“Then again, I suppose statistical impossibility is statistically impossible.”
  233.  
  234. >What’s that supposed to mean?
  235. >It’s impossible for the impossible to be impossible
  236. >Therefore it’s possible for impossibility to be impossible, but impossibility is suppos-
  237. >NEVERMIND.
  238.  
  239.  
  240. >She’s already upstairs
  241. >You follow to the top of the stairs so you can hear what they’re saying
  242. >As you pass Jake’s room, you hear a weird buzzing coming from inside
  243.  
  244. >Sounds like a really big bug or something that’s stuck in Jake’s room. Let’s check it out quickly.
  245. >Alright
  246. >Might be a good idea to see if they get along while we’re not there to supervise
  247. >We want this to work naturally, so being overbearing isn’t
  248. >Hold on, it sounds like Jake is reminding Twilight that her head is at perfect punting height
  249. >That’s not good.
  250. >No, now Jon’s saying something and Twilight’s trying to calm them both down
  251. >Problem solved itself. Let’s find this bug.
  252. >…Not seeing any bugs in here. It sounds like it’s coming from that little box thing.
  253. >That’s his phone
  254. >Maybe it’s getting a call
  255. >But phones are supposed to ring, not buzz.
  256. >No, look on its screen
  257. >It’s got little pictures of phones and numbers and letters
  258. >And we’ve been waiting this whole time? Someone’s calling him and he’s busy! We need to pick this up before it stops buzzing!
  259. >Too bad it just stopped
  260. >Oh. That’s too bad. I was hoping we could do something helpful for him, too.
  261.  
  262.  
  263. >Alright, let’s go see if anyone’s getting kicked in the head
  264. >Wait, it’s buzzing again! Okay, let’s see… It says ‘Evan.’ Must be the guy calling him. Let’s poke that.
  265. >I’m not sure we should do this
  266. >I don’t think we even need to
  267.  
  268. >Okay, that did nothing. Let’s try… green phone picture! Poke.
  269.  
  270. >“Hello?”
  271.  
  272. >I am a natural with these things.
  273.  
  274. “H-Hello?”
  275. >“Who is this? Did I call the wrong number?”
  276. “Were you trying to call Jake?”
  277. >“Yeah. Is he there?”
  278. “He’s sort of busy right now…”
  279. >“Could you tell him to call me back?”
  280. “Yeah. Yeah, I can do that.”
  281. >“Thanks.”
  282. >Suddenly, the phone goes quiet
  283. >Okay, now on to see how Twi and Jake are doing
  284. >You put the phone back where you found it and
  285. >And Twilight’s passing you in the hallway with an angry look on her face
  286. >She doesn’t even look at you as you slip by her
  287.  
  288.  
  289. >Yeah, no
  290. >Not happening
  291. >She’s going to make nice with the Addams whether or not she wants to right now
  292. >You grab her by the tail as she passes you, making her yelp
  293. >Her protests and struggles fall on deaf ears as you drag her back to the kitchen
  294. >She doesn’t bother to use magic or kick at you, so she wants to go back
  295. >It’s just that she doesn’t realize it
  296. >Jake’s at the table eating a late breakfast
  297. >He spots you out of the corner of his eye and chuckles before returning to his food
  298. >It’s not quite as amusing for him when you plop Twilight down on the floor beside him
  299. “The two of you ARE going to get along.”
  300. >Twilight turns her nose up and looks away
  301. >“He threatened me with physical violence. Jon can vouch for that.”
  302. >“I didn’t threaten you. I just stated a fact to make you reconsider hauling me downstairs again. Besides, what do you have to fear from me with that thing sticking out of your head?”
  303. >“Oh, it’s not you I’m afraid of. It’s all of you. Except for Spike here, I have no one.”
  304. >“And you could still throw me through a wall by thinking about it.”
  305. >“Do you really think I would do that?”
  306. >“Is Whitey Bulger going on trial for fewer murders than Patch the Pirate committed?”
  307.  
  308.  
  309. >Wait, who?
  310. >Patch or White Bulge
  311. >Patch.
  312. >Most feared pirate of the last 300 years or so
  313. >Not ringing a bell.
  314. >Pipsqueak dressed up as him for Nightmare Night when Luna was back in Ponyville for the first time since she got back from the moon
  315. >Oh yeah…
  316. >Oh, Twilight’s looking sort of nervous right now. We should probably be paying attention to the conversation.
  317.  
  318. >“I… uhh… can we change the subject?”
  319. >“No.”
  320. >“I’m really not comfortable with this topic…”
  321. >“Why not? Is it because you don’t like the idea that p0nies could do exactly the same things as us? Or maybe it’s because they already have? You say we're so SIMILAR all the time, so it only makes sense.”
  322. >“T-they don’t do it as often...”
  323. >“Do you think p0nies are better than humans?”
  324.  
  325. >Wow, Jake is really pressing her
  326. >Should we stop him
  327. >I'm not sure that we can.
  328.  
  329. >“I don’t know how to answer that question…”
  330. >“If you were thinking about saying yes, let me tell you right now that you’re preaching to the choir.”
  331. >“I don’t know what that means.”
  332. >“It means that you’re wasting your time because we agree with you. If you’ve got statistics on your side, show me. I’m not going to argue against numbers. But when you’re a broken record about how human civilization ain’t so civil? Whoop de doo, what do you want the Addams to do about it?! Do you think we don’t know about these problems? Do you think we don’t want them fixed?”
  333. “Jake, please!”
  334.  
  335.  
  336. >Never would have counted on him being the one to ruin this
  337. >I would’ve. It’d have to be one of them. Fifty-fifty and all that.
  338. >Where is Jon right now
  339. >Dunno. Probably in his office.
  340. >“No. If she’s going to talk down to us, she needs to be above us first.”
  341. >“I just-”
  342. >“‘You just’ nothing! You don’t complain about us because you want us to improve! You focus on our flaws because you want to feel better about yourself! Why? What’s so wrong with you that you have to tear us down to make up for it?”
  343. >Twilight shifts around uncomfortably
  344. >“It’s kind of complicated…”
  345.  
  346. >We need to defuse the situation. I think she was already going in this direction, anyway.
  347.  
  348. “Tell him.”
  349. >“W-well, I’m sort of kicking myself right now for being so mean and exploitative.”
  350. >“It didn’t show.”
  351.  
  352. >He’s having none of it
  353. >Maybe this wasn’t such a good idea
  354. >No, just give it a second.
  355.  
  356. >“I… it wasn’t entirely Spike’s idea to have us do more together. It was more of a joint brainstorming between him and me.”
  357. “She’s telling the truth.”
  358. >“And the reason I wanted you to work on the computer while I was there was because I wanted to spend some time with you before I get to work on the Canterlot Computer each day.”
  359. >“You picked the worst possible time.”
  360. >“Sorry. I’m just sort of busy and I didn’t have time to rearrange my schedule for this. I’ll have it fixed by the weekend. Please, let me give friendship another chance.”
  361.  
  362.  
  363. >Step one complete
  364. >Step two: ‘have her figure out that humans in general aren’t so bad’ shouldn’t be so hard with what Jake told you about the general theme of the media list
  365. “Now tell him the other thing.”
  366. >“I’m not the best at making friends. I haven’t had much practice. Most of the friends I have are ones that came to me or were introduced by somep0ny else.”
  367.  
  368. >How much should we have her explain
  369. >We should have her explain enough to be forgiven.
  370. >How much is that
  371. >The more, the better. Let’s play our ace card.
  372.  
  373. “And this is because…?”
  374. >She gulps
  375. >Here comes her big personal secret and long-time shame
  376. >“I had a very sheltered, privileged childhood, and I’ve been self-schooled for most of my academic career. The only friend I had before I got my cutie mark was my big brother. I want to turn over a new leaf with you, but I’m too occupied with myself to do it right.”
  377.  
  378. >Jake seems to think this is the funniest thing he’s heard all morning
  379. >Okay, his mood is improved. Now we see if they can stand eachothers’ company.
  380.  
  381. >“Oh wow. The wizard chose charisma for her dump stat? You are a piece of work.”
  382.  
  383.  
  384. >“Umm... does that mean you're not mad at me?”
  385. >“Nevermind, it’s an obscure reference. You know what? I’ll forgive you, but I’ve got some conditions before I come off of my strike.”
  386. >“You can't call me ‘purplesmart.’”
  387. >“That’s off the table. I just want to finish my breakfast and have you stop being such an unbearable misanthrope. You can start by telling me one thing you like about humanity.”
  388. >Twilight was relieved for all of five seconds before Jake put her on the spot again
  389. >She struggles to find the right words
  390. >“I, uhh… humans are…”
  391. >“You’re allowed to say you can’t think of anything.”
  392. >“I’m just trying to find the right wording… umm… tenacious? I mean, having to work around unreliable magic is going to drive me up the wall,”
  393.  
  394. >That’s just her.
  395.  
  396. “Doesn’t help that your mark is for magic. I bet Rarity would just find it annoying.”
  397. >She shoots you a glance that silently shouts “NOT NOW” before she continues
  398. >“Sorry about that. Draconic brain structure does that sometimes. What I’m trying to say is that humans have found so many workarounds for not having magic. The simple fact that humans aren’t extinct due to their own actions or lack of magic is in defiance of everything I’d expect. I’ve had to question so many things that I thought were certainties during my time here.”
  399.  
  400.  
  401. >“Due to our own actions? You really think we’d fight ourselves to extinction?”
  402. >“P0nies have had two wars in the last millennium compared to… let’s see… there’s the French intervention in Mali, the Korean Peninsula standoff, the ongoing instability and bombings in Iraq… I’ve already exceeded the amount of wars Equestria has participated in and those aren’t even the ones making front-page news. Human history is magnitudes more warlike than anything I’d expect to be sustainable, let alone possible!”
  403. >“We’re not heartless killing machines.”
  404. >“I’m not implying humans are heartless; I’m wondering why humans keep going to war when they clearly realize what sort of impact it has.”
  405. >“There are two famous quotes about the human attitude towards war that I think you should hear. I’m paraphrasing a bit, but they’re something like ‘the only ones who like the concept of war are the ones who never experience it,’ and ‘only dead men have seen the result of war.’”
  406. >“But that doesn’t make sense. The television and radio news is-”
  407.  
  408. >Let’s intercept that train of thought.
  409.  
  410. “Twilight…?”
  411. >She sighs
  412. >“Humans probably have a good reason that I just haven’t heard yet and I need to have all the facts before I form an opinion.”
  413. >“So, conversation over breakfast?”
  414.  
  415.  
  416. >“I already ate.”
  417. >“I didn’t, and you seem to like giving me an earful about how terrible humans are. So long as you don’t go totally misanthropic on me, I’m willing to listen. You’ve probably got an interesting perspective when I can actually stand to listen to you.”
  418. “Are you two ready to play nice?”
  419. >“If she is.”
  420. >“I am if he is.”
  421. >Seems sincere enough
  422. “Good! I’m going to leave the two of you alone for a minute while I check what Jon’s thinking of doing with the Canterlot Computer today.”
  423. >You start to duck into Jon’s office, then turn around for a second
  424. “If anyone’s kicking anyone in the jaw when I come back out, I’m going to be very disappointed.”
  425. >“I’d probably need to use my wings to get enough height to do that. You don’t have to worry about ME kicking anyone.”
  426. >“I wasn’t serious about that!”
  427. >You tug the doorknob string and pull the door shut behind you
  428. >Jon is at his desk doing whatever
  429.  
  430. >He was probably here for the whole conversation
  431. >Alright, serious question time. Why didn’t he back us up out there?
  432.  
  433. “What the heck, man?”
  434. >“Did I do something?”
  435. “No, you didn’t do something! Why did you let Jake shout her down like that?”
  436.  
  437.  
  438. >“I agreed with him. I think her tendency to pick and choose facts to focus on is what soured our friendship.”
  439. “Alright, but I still don't like how you just stood there and let it happen.”
  440. >“I’m just speculating, though. She just stopped being talkative around me.”
  441. “You mean she didn’t tell you why?
  442. >“Do you know?”
  443. “It was something to do with how you wanted to kill rabbits.”
  444.  
  445. >Which we can sympathize with, just a bit.
  446.  
  447. >“I’ve been trying not to mention that around her. I wonder how she heard that.”
  448. “I dunno. Word gets around, I guess.”
  449. >“I hope she can get over that. It’s not like those things are anything other than pests. Anyway, would you send this to Canterlot for me? I need some information about the conditions there before we start work today.”
  450. >He hands you the whatever he was doing on his desk
  451.  
  452.  
  453.  
  454. Professor Root,
  455.  
  456. Twilight and I are still failing to find any design faults with the Canterlot Computer. It’s encouraging to
  457. hear that Dr. Alryadhyat Alhwa and Ms. Ishirini Peté have come to similar conclusions now that they’re
  458. up to speed as well, as it assures us that we’ve not designed something with a fatal flaw. This leads me
  459. to the next line of investigation I’d like to pursue. Forgive me if this sounds like small talk, but how is the
  460. weather?
  461.  
  462. Jon Addams
  463.  
  464. As for some actual small talk, Dr. Isfugel, ihr Name sieht sehr skandinavisch besonders den Beinamen
  465. "Isfugel." Ich glaube das bedeutet "ice bird." Twilight ist immer zu erwähnen wie ähnlich unsere Welten
  466. sind und das ist führte mich zu fragen ...Sprechen Sie Deutsch?
  467.  
  468.  
  469. >Uhh... what?
  470. >Are those words? What’s that little dotted thing over the vowels?
  471. >Heck if I know
  472.  
  473. >Jon notices your confused expression
  474. >“I thought his name looked like one from a language I know, so I asked him.”
  475. “Ohhhh.”
  476. >Well that kind of explains it even if you can’t understand any of it
  477. >You *fwoosh* the letter and start backing toward the door
  478.  
  479.  
  480. “I haven’t heard any scuffling or shouting outside. HOPEFULLY that’s a good thing.”
  481. >“Amen.”
  482. >No idea what that means, but whatever
  483. >Peeking out of the office door, you can see no jaws being kicked or anything to suggest that jaws have been kicked while you were away
  484. >In fact, it looks like a normal conversation where Twilight is giving Jake an earful as he eats
  485. >She’s in the chair next to him
  486.  
  487. >And she’s talking about…herself?
  488. >Who cares what they’re talking about
  489. >No jaws kicked for a whole minute
  490. >We must’ve done something right
  491.  
  492. >“…but the thing is that I’m so well studied that I’ve just gotten accustomed to being RIGHT all the time, you know? It’s a very addictive feeling, knowing I’m correct.”
  493. >Jake gives a quick nod and an “mmph” of agreement through a mouthful of cereal
  494. >“And in terms of social issues, I have so much to feel right about. No offense, but all this immoral and self-destructive behavior by humans is turning into a massive source of Equestrian pride and fodder for my already massive ego. I perfected a millennia-old spell and got made into a princess the week before I ended up here. Even though my princess-hood is more of an honorary title, I was feeling pretty good until I somehow ended up in a parallel universe when I was just trying to go home.”
  495.  
  496.  
  497. >Jake swallows to reply
  498. >“No group is without its faults, present company and myself included.”
  499. >Sorta snappy, but not that bad
  500. >Twi doesn't seem to mind
  501. >“I’ll admit that there are a few bits of history that I’d prefer not to remember. The border scuffle that happened a century ago is a huge embarrassment for all involved, and the Mino-Griffonic War was... bloody, to say the least.”
  502. >“What keeps you from having wars?”
  503. >“We can’t let the windigo population grow. Windigoes are creatures that feed off of conflict and hatred, and create wintry conditions when they’re well fed. If war gets out of hoof, it could become too cold to live.”
  504. >“So that law isn’t that silly after all.”
  505. >“We’re both guilty of cognitive bias.”
  506. >“The first step to fixing a problem is to recognize that there’s a problem. You and I recognize that we have a problem. Trust me when I say that humans know their collective problems well.”
  507. >Not so snappy
  508. >You duck back inside the office and flash a quick “okay” signal to Jon, who’s gone back to his desk to do a different whatever
  509. >He returns the sign before you peek out again
  510. >“Then why not fix them?”
  511. >“It’s too much work. Things are good enough as they are right now.”
  512.  
  513.  
  514. >“I don’t get it. There are still all these problems, and I know at least some humans can’t be satisfied with the state of the world!”
  515. >“The people who want change don’t have enough influence to do much of anything, and the people that have enough influence to change things are too invested in the way things are to start rocking the boat.”
  516. >“That’s kind of sad. Scary, too, considering that the boat’s got a radioactive hole under the waterline, and it’s buoyant thanks only to a bilge pump of self-preservation instincts running on a gas tank full of reasonability-grade oil.”
  517. >“We’ll never nuke ourselves. We stared into that chasm decades ago and never forgotten that we decided not to jump in. Besides, that would be a terrible punchline.”
  518. >“Punchline? I don’t follow.”
  519. >“I love looking at the world through the perspective of dark humor. Justice systems used to perpetrate injustices, police which aren’t obliged to protect nor serve, and nationalism for countries that aren’t the least bit exceptional, just to name a few. You’d need a drill and dynamite to get through irony that thick.”
  520. >“Ah, right. I wasn’t considering that. Dark comedy is really niche in Equestria.”
  521. >“From what I can tell, there’s not too much material to work with. One pirate and two wars? That’s nothing!”
  522. >He puts his spoon down and turns in his chair to face Twilight
  523.  
  524.  
  525. >“Here? The jokes write themselves. Being a human means you could get born into a country where you’ve got no hope of education or life beyond subsistence. The moment you’re old enough to be taught how to use a gun, you could get drawn into a war you don’t understand against people with weapons you can’t hope to comprehend, let alone defend against. Those people might have been taking video of you, too. Not that you’d know what that is. And maybe they’d put that video on the internet. Not that you’d know what that is. That video could be viewed by millions of people you didn’t know existed, and a significant portion of them would take pride in the fact that their military spent more money killing someone than that person ever made in their life. Now THAT is a practical joke.”
  526.  
  527. >Sweet Celestia, step two is gonna be HARD
  528. >No thanks to him.
  529. >Give him credit, though
  530. >At least he’s not hiding things from her to make her happy
  531.  
  532. >“I… that… you scare me.”
  533. >“You’re not the first person to tell me that.”
  534. >“Earth scares me.”
  535. >“I couldn’t agree more. It’s horrifying, and that’s why I can’t help but laugh!”
  536. >Jake goes back to chomping down his cereal
  537. >Twilight’s expression suddenly becomes vacant, looking away from Jake to stare at nothing in particular
  538.  
  539.  
  540. >You can barely make out what she whispers to herself as Jake swallows another mouthful of his breakfast
  541. >“…giggle at the ghostly…”
  542. >Jake noticed, but it seems like he didn’t hear it as clearly as you did
  543. >He turns back and asks her “Did you say something?” through a mouthful of cereal, bringing her back to the moment
  544. >“No, it’s nothing.”
  545. >He swallows
  546. >“I heard you say something. Something isn’t nothing.”
  547. >“I just remembered something a friend of mine said. Sang, rather.”
  548. >“Sang?”
  549. >“There was this one time that she just sort of burst into song out of nowhere. It was vaguely appropriate for the situation, sure, but I still can’t believe she went from speaking normally to Manehattan Musical Theater in the middle of a conversation.”
  550. >*BuuuuuRP*
  551. >Your cover’s just been blown by the most essential service you provide
  552. >Welp
  553. >The non-royal scroll is addressed to Twilight, who’s leaning around the table to see where the sound came from
  554. >Her eyes settle on you as you pick up the scroll and push through the door
  555. “Letter for Twilight.”
  556. >It floats out of your claw and over the table, unrolling as it goes
  557. >Since there’s no point in leaving them alone if they know you’re watching, you head into the kitchen
  558. >Twilight’s hovering the letter in front of herself with perfect control
  559.  
  560. >It probably is really annoying to have her ability to make things happen be unreliable, but she's making too big of a deal out of what's essentially a cramp.
  561.  
  562.  
  563. >You can kind of see her face from your position behind the chairs, and it seems like the letter is interesting
  564. >Jake’s trying to read the letter over her withers
  565. >She moves to nudge him away, but then thinks better of it
  566. >Something up there is good if she’s willing to share it
  567. >You try hopping to get a glimpse of whatever it is that’s so important
  568. >It doesn’t work very well
  569. “Letmesee letmesee letmes-!”
  570. >Sudden indigestion
  571. >There’s another letter coming
  572. >With a split second to spare, you tilt your chin up just enough to avoid burning anything or anyone or anyp0ny important
  573. >*RüLps*
  574. >Twilight looks at the new letter on the table, then to you
  575. “Sorry about that.”
  576. >“No harm done, but did that belch sound strange to you?”
  577. “I guess? I was too busy paying attention to where it went to pay attention to how it sounded.”
  578. >She lifts the second letter up next to the first and unrolls it
  579. >“…It’s all bull to me. Here.”
  580. >It floats down to you
  581. >“I think it’s for Jon.”
  582.  
  583.  
  584. Herr Addams,
  585.  
  586. Das ist nicht das was wir nennen es hier und Sie mit einem Dialekt ich nicht bin sehr daran gewöhnt,
  587. aber ja! Es ist sehr überraschend dass du würdest meine Muttersprache sprechen, aber ich kann nicht
  588. sagen ich bin erleichtert nicht mehr zu verwenden während im Gespräch mit Equestrian eine von einer
  589. anderen Spezies. Wollen wir tauschen Briefe irgendwann?
  590.  
  591. Der nächste Brief enthält alle aktuellen und zukünftigen Wetterdaten.
  592. Markus Isfugel
  593.  
  594.  
  595. “Yeah, it’s got those little things over the vowels. He sent something like this to the griffons’ team lead with an Equestrian message asking about the weather.
  596. >“Show this to Jon. It might say something about the weather plans and records I discussed with him.”
  597. >The door’s still open, so you just saunter on in to find Jon doing yet another whatever
  598. “Hey Jon, you got a reply from the griffon guy.”
  599. >“What did he say?”
  600. “I can’t read it.”
  601. >You toss it up onto the desk
  602. >He snatches it up eagerly, and whatever is in the letter brings a fresh smile to his face
  603. >“Ha! Ich haben ein Brieffreund!”
  604. “Did he say anything about the weather?”
  605. >“They’ll have it in the next letter.”
  606. “I’ll go let Twi know.”
  607. >Back out of the office again, Twilight is reclining in her chair and Jake is still reading through the letter suspended in the air
  608. >She’s staring at the side of his head, waiting for him to realize she’s only holding the letter up for him
  609.  
  610.  
  611. >You briefly make eye contact with her
  612. >Jake continues to stare at the letter, mostly at the bottom and top bits
  613. >She raises her eyebrows and makes a “get a load of this guy” eyeroll before she speaks to him in a deceptively nice tone
  614. >“Are you done reading my personal letter, which was addressed to me?”
  615. >“Huh? Oh. Sorry, the thought didn’t cross my mind.”
  616. >“Gee, you’re almost as bad as I am.”
  617. >The letter levitates towards you
  618. >You pluck it out of the air and read silently
  619.  
  620.  
  621. Dear Twilight, AKA Purplesmart, AKA one of Pinkie’s VIP-exclusive best of the best friends,
  622.  
  623. Hi! Sorry I haven’t written in a while. Business has really picked up now that we’ve got the recipe of
  624. those human candies down. Back to why I’m writing this letter, the M&M knockoffs we made are selling
  625. like hotcakes. Even better than that, Bonnie and I are on a massive royal commission and headed for
  626. Canterlot to help cater to the scientists! We’re gonna be SO RICH! Unfortunately, we’re also going to be
  627. SO BUSY and I’m going to have to leave Ponyville for a while. I might be too busy to write to you, so this
  628. is a little heads up for that. One last thing before I have to stop writing, though: what do you mean you
  629. can’t believe I changed a conversation into a musical? I’ve done that way more than one time. You’ve
  630. done it several times yourself. The way I remember it, you told us about your brother in song, and got
  631. coronated in a big musical number that lasted all day!
  632.  
  633. Confusedly yours,
  634. Pinkie Pie
  635.  
  636. P.S. Spike, those Reese’s things were great! Do you know if humans have combined PB and chocolate in any other ways?
  637.  
  638. P.P.S. O-nay idden-hay essage-may in this letter except for that one. Dashie should be the next one to
  639. start sending you those if I remember the plan correctly.
  640.  
  641.  
  642. >Right about now, I’m wishing we’d taken the time to learn Pig-Latum.
  643. >Well, we know Dash is going to be sending Twilight something in a letter, so now we can look for it
  644. >If she lets us look at the letters. She seems a little annoyed that Jake did.
  645.  
  646. >With that thought, you decide to roll up the scroll again and lean against the stove so you can stay and watch the conversation
  647. >“Well, since you did read MY letter, we might as well use this as a jumping-off point for a bit of talking about us.”
  648. >And she just turned a negative into a positive
  649.  
  650. >Good work, Twi
  651. >Sort of a quick turnaround from trying to be miserable to forgiving humans of everything, don’t you think?
  652. >She wanted to do this
  653. >I bet it was all a show she was putting on
  654.  
  655. >“Us, as in ‘you and me’ us, or do you mean us as individuals?”
  656. “Individually. You’re probably wondering who that letter was from and whether or not I actually got coroneted in a musical.”
  657. >“What I’m wondering about first is why Pinkie called you purplesmart.”
  658. >“I have no clue. Just don’t call me that. She called me that for the first time just a few minutes before I teleported, and it’s part of the reason I resorted to teleportation in the first place. I would have just walked if she hadn’t started trying to explain some gibberish about the number four when I was running behind schedule.”
  659.  
  660.  
  661. >“Oh. I didn’t realize it would be such a sore spot.”
  662. >“I’m not sure how you could have known, but please, just don’t call me that. It reminds me too much of that day I swapped universes and nearly killed myself in the process.”
  663. “So, you got princessed in a musical?”
  664. >“Nope, that’s just Pinkie being Pinkie. I pity her psychiatrist.”
  665.  
  666. >They’re sort of going off topic here
  667. >Let ‘em. They’re getting along and that’s what counts.
  668.  
  669. >“Why’s that?”
  670. >“Oh, don’t even get me started! I’m half-sure she’s schizophrenic. She acts like she remembers things that didn’t happen, and that’s not the weirdest thing about her; I’m entirely sure she has ESP. That reminds me, are there any accounts of humans with extrasensory abilities, or telepathy, or anything like that?”
  671. >“Only hoaxes and urban legends. Your friend's ESP doesn’t seem all that odd when we’re talking about a world of mythological creatures and magic.”
  672. >“I can see why you’d be confused, but the thing is that she seems to have perception beyond three dimensions and no real explanation for WHY she has that. Even saying it’s somehow magical is a stretch, because there's no way to just KNOW things without sensing them somehow. She has no logical way of knowing that I mentioned how she turned a conversation into a song and dance routine, for example, but there it is.”
  673.  
  674.  
  675. >“How does it work?”
  676. >“Usually she just interprets her body’s twitches, but sometimes it seems like she’s able to just KNOW things. I think she can also teleport, even though that’s supposed to be impossible for everyone except the very small subset of unicorns and qilin who can cast the spell properly.”
  677. >“Unicorns and what?”
  678.  
  679. >You ever notice that Jake seems REALLY interested in Equestria? Like, more than anyone else? What’s up with that?
  680. >I don’t know, and we can’t ask now
  681. >Let’s just stay and supervise
  682. >There are things that smell fishier than a griffon’s kitchen going on here. I know it.
  683.  
  684. >“Qilin. They’re slim, scaly, cloven-hooved quadrupedal lizards with horns and some hair. Does that ring a bell?”
  685.  
  686. >I don’t remember hearing about them
  687.  
  688. >“Not really.”
  689. >Neither does Jake
  690. >“Physically similar to Eastern Serpentine Dragons, but about five feet tall and seven feet from nose to tail?”
  691. >“Still no.”
  692. >“Sometimes known as ‘eastern unicorns?’”
  693. >“Oh, you mean Kirin! Yeah, those are an Asian myth.”
  694. >“And here I was, hoping I’d found something that WASN’T a similarity.”
  695. >“Sorry to disappoint.”
  696.  
  697.  
  698. >“Not your fault that human storytellers somehow came up with what I’m guessing is an exact replica of a real creature. They even call themselves kirin, sometimes. Enough about that, though. Pinkie… she’s weird, but she’s the kind of weird you can’t help but love. Throws parties like you wouldn’t believe, too.”
  699. >“What does she do for a living?”
  700. >“She’s a baker. I actually had some of her food with me when I arrived. Now, how about you? What are your friends like?”
  701. “Weren’t you going to talk about yourselves?”
  702. >Twilight turns around in her chair to speak to you
  703. >“The last few years have taught me that friendships are an extension of oneself, in a way. ‘Friendship is Magic,’ after all.”
  704. “True.”
  705. >She turns around again and repeats her question
  706. >“So, who are your friends?”
  707. >“If I’m going to start with my best friend, I’d say Evan. I’ve known him since middle school, which is something like ten years now. Fantastic guy, great to talk to, but he’s a self-admitted idiot and klutz. He’ll put his money in his pocket when he’s got his wallet on him, then asks why his wallet is empty when he goes to pay for something. He drops his phone so often that he has to get a new one every half year or so. He’s lucky his parents are in good jobs and can afford that sort of thing.”
  708. >“What do you talk about with him?”
  709.  
  710.  
  711. >“This and that. Current events and philosophy and stuff. He’s into conspiracy theories more than I am, but he doesn’t take any of them seriously. He’s also into comic books and video games, though video games are more my thing and comics are more his thing. He’s also got this really weird sense of humor.”
  712. >“How is it weird?”
  713. >“Well, he’s kept this in-joke going for three or four years now about…”
  714. >Jake leans in to whisper something to Twilight
  715. >She leans away abruptly, everything about her suggesting that she just heard something disturbing and confusing
  716. >“A video game about time traveling what?”
  717. >“Do you really want me to repeat that in front of Spike?”
  718. >“No. Definitely not.”
  719.  
  720. >I think that’s our cue to go.
  721. >Alright, seems like they might actually have a chance to get along now
  722.  
  723. >You lean back onto your feet and start walking towards the living room
  724. “You two play nice. The weather reports are going to be coming in a little while. I’m going to go fight Mister Patch while we wait.”
  725. >Twilight spins around towards you again
  726. >“Hold on a sec… is this ‘Mister Patch’ a pirate?”
  727. >She’s looking for a similarity, or more likely a reason to stop you from playing
  728. >You face back into the kitchen to speak to her
  729. “No, he’s a parade balloon with a bunch of patches.”
  730.  
  731.  
  732. >“Oh. Well, why are you fighting him?”
  733. “Well, he’s supposed to be part of a circus attraction or something, but the moment he got inflated he was all like ‘grr I’m a big monster so I get to be a jerk’ so now I’ve got to take his patches off and deflate him.”
  734. >She turns around again
  735. >“Jake?”
  736. >You couldn’t see it, but he was taking this opportunity to get a bit more cereal while the conversation was in a lull
  737. >He gives another “mmph”
  738. >“I just want to be sure he’s not doing things that give him the wrong idea when I’m not watching him.”
  739. “I’ll let you know if that happens.”
  740. >She turns back to you one last time
  741. >“I’m more concerned that you wouldn’t know when it’s happening.”
  742. >Finished with you, she goes back to what you had to drag her into doing just a moment ago, and you turn to leave
  743.  
  744. >No, wait, we should tell Jake to call Evan first.
  745. >I’m telling you that we don’t need to
  746. >The phone will tell him Evan called
  747. >Okay, I hope you’re right.
  748.  
  749.  
  750.  
  751. #IRCAddamsLocal
  752. Server time 5/15/2013, 17:46
  753. Welcome message: If you’re seeing this, you must have our WEP key or be plugged into the LAN. If you don’t live here, shoo! You saw nothing!
  754.  
  755.  
  756. 17:46:34@JakeLaptop: How do you like your computer? I assume you’re pleased with it, since you’ve been using it nonstop since you gave up on finding the problem with the Canterlot Computer today.
  757. 17:46:40@Basement: 3 GB RAM and a 2.4 GHz processor is sort of low-end from what I can gather. It’s more reliable than the Canterlot Computer and is exponentially more powerful, so that’s something. Thanks for getting it done right after breakfast this morning. I ought to apologize formally for being such a rotten egg over the last few weeks, especially when I was prodding you to get this computer ready. I cannot emphasize enough how much I’ve been looking forward to using the internet since I first learned of its potential, so I got a little bit impatient. You do forgive me, right?
  758. 17:46:41@JakeLaptop: The hardware is a bit spartan, but I took the liberty of installing some programs on it. Antivirus, this chat program, and a few other things you might need.
  759. 17:46:41@Basement: Please tell me ‘spartan’ doesn’t mean what I think it means.
  760. 17:46:50@JakeLaptop: Wow. Did you have all that prepared?
  761. 17:46:51@Basement: No. I typed it just now.
  762. 17:46:53@JakeLaptop: I mean
  763. 17:46:59@JakeLaptop: How are you even that fast?
  764.  
  765.  
  766. 17:47:00@Basement: One hint. “Look ma, no hooves!”
  767. 17:47:07@JakeLaptop: I doubt you’re using the hunt and peck method to poke at the keyboard, but you’re probably using your horn.
  768. 17:47:09@Basement: Ponies neither hunt nor peck. We don’t need to hunt for food, and we don’t have beaks to peck with.
  769. 17:47:15@JakeLaptop: You’re technically 1/3 pegasus, and pegasi have bird wings…
  770. 17:47:19@Basement: I still consider myself to be 100% unicorn, but no. I am not a bird. No pony is a bird. Not even pegasi are genetically avian. In all seriousness, though, I’m typing at the speed of thought!
  771. 17:47:25@JakeLaptop: Sounds awesome.
  772. 17:47:28@Basement: You have no idea! Telekinetic typing is such a rush for me. Keyboards might be designed for hands, but I think that's a limiting factor for human users. All I need to do is see the keyboard, think which key I want pressure on, and it happens!
  773. 17:47:34@JakeLaptop: Is that how magic works?
  774. 17:47:39@Basement: Sort of. I’m controlling the flow of magic out of my horn in very precise ways to keep the spell going while thinking of exactly what I want to happen. A trained eye can actually tell what spell is being cast without seeing its effects. There are limits, of course. I need the right combination of mental image and magic control, and I can’t overextend myself.
  775.  
  776.  
  777. 17:47:46@JakeLaptop: It’s what you want, when you want it.
  778. 17:47:49@Basement: Exactly. “Will plus skill,” as they said in magic kindergarten. On top of that, I’m in the lucky percentage of a percentage that can learn and cast almost any spell. I try to be humble about it.
  779. 17:47:52@JakeLaptop: Is this why you were upset at me?
  780. 17:47:52@JonDesktop: As interesting as this is, you were supposed to tell her about the internet curfew.
  781. 17:48:00@JakeLaptop: Oh, right. We turn the modem off at midnight. We have to do something to make sure you sleep at night.
  782. 17:48:05@Basement: Understandable.
  783. 17:48:09@JakeLaptop: Sorry to be the one to bring you down from this high. You seemed happy, for once.
  784. 17:48:15@JakeLaptop: By the way, google “faith in humanity restored.”
  785. 18:06:07@Basement: I take it back. Humans have everything except magic. At least some of them do, given the anecdotal nature of what I’m seeing.
  786. 18:06:11@Basement: I’m going to give humans a collective third chance. I’ll try to be objective this time, so please, I’m begging you: don’t mess this up.
  787.  
  788.  
  789.  
  790. Part 2
  791. >Saturday, May 18, 1:06pm
  792. >Year 22 and ‘going to head out and drive friends to Drew’s thing’ on Earth
  793. >You are Jake Addams
  794. >You’ve gone full whitehat
  795. >Okay, 1/4 whitehat because you have about that much confidence that you got everything perfectly right
  796. >And it does need to be perfect
  797. >The run-up to Equestria Girls is getting media attention
  798. >It may not be a blockbuster, but it’s there, and the timing couldn’t be much worse
  799. >You’ve convinced Twilight to start getting her news through the ‘net so she won’t see commercials or reports about how she went to the human world and fell in love with Brad
  800. >Fandom consensus is that the guy with blue hair is named ‘Brad’ until further notice
  801. >Anyway, keyloggers and remote access
  802. >That’s exciting, right?
  803. >It took the better part of a day to get it all working as intended
  804. >In the meantime, you were relying on Jon to keep her busy
  805. >You also warned her off from the seedy side of the internet with a simple user guide and a list of shock sites, timesink sites, and others that she said she’d want to avoid
  806. >Rules #1 and #2 of the internet (“Don’t talk about 4chan,” and “DON’T TALK ABOUT 4CHAN,” respectively) are in effect
  807. >The last thing you want her to see is the /mlp/ Anonymous who’s doing live requests for rule #34 of Twilight as she appears in Equestria Girls
  808. >None of that work could matter because she might have already discovered MLP:FiM
  809.  
  810.  
  811. >Saying “friendship is magic” might have been a hint that she’s heard that phrase somewhere, and she might have referenced the ‘Scootaloo = Chicken’ meme that won’t die
  812. >Worse than that, she might have referenced the “>no hooves, 0/10 would not fuck” meme and seen the raunchier side of the fandom
  813. >If so, she’s taking it a lot better than you’d expect
  814. >Unless she explicitly says she knows, you’re keeping her in the dark and pretending NOTHING HAPPENED
  815. >Your desktop is running as a chat server and a proxy for Twilight’s internet connection
  816. >When she wants to see something, she still has to go through you
  817. >If you don’t want a page or an element of a page to load, it won’t
  818. >Most of it’s running on automatic algorithms that will remove things like avatars and images, and it causes false ‘connection reset’ and ‘DNS failure’ errors if strings of text that pertain to the show are found, but ultimate control goes to you
  819. >Plausible deniability is the name of the game
  820. >Give her as many things to blame that aren’t you as you can
  821. >And it seems like she’s flipped her bitch switch to the off position
  822. >Fucking finally
  823. >This might make her less likely to suspect you if you’re actually preventing her from learning of MLP in the first place
  824.  
  825.  
  826. >You would have snapped and called her a bitch if she hadn’t apologized
  827. >Even if Spike was in the room and she would have gone on a magic-fueled rampage because of it
  828. >Someone had to get her to stop looking down her nose at humans
  829. >Figuratively speaking
  830. >That expression doesn’t really work on her because her eye sockets are behind most of her nasal cavity
  831. >It's too bad that show doesn't go into more depth about the characters’ childhoods
  832. >That would have been useful
  833. >You could have only guessed at how her upbringing would have made her who she is
  834. >Canterlot’s portrayed as being upscale and luxurious, but the fact that she lived there is barely mentioned anymore
  835. >The fact that she’s also under Celestia’s tutelage also isn’t emphasized very much
  836. >Being the star student of a national leader and sun-goddess must have its perks
  837. >What she wants, when she wants it being one of those perks
  838. >She told you she tries not to exploit it, but getting a simple request denied for no good reason is one of her major peeves because of it
  839. >So this was all your fault
  840. >According to her
  841. >She’s not changing her mind on that one because you already admitted guilt, but she’s trying to forgive you
  842. >It’s a start
  843. >Now you just have to get her to watch the movies, listen to the music, and read the books so she’ll forgive everyone
  844. >Right now she’s too busy trying to figure out what’s wrong with the Canterlot Computer to do that
  845.  
  846.  
  847. >She’s reading the books in her spare time, but goddamn does she nag about Harry Potter being an inaccurate portrayal of magic
  848. >Yes, it’s readily apparent that unicorns don’t have to wave their horn around and say “wingardium leviosa”
  849. >Yes, forcing someone to live under the stairs is domestic abuse
  850. >Yes, cave trolls are fictional
  851. >Yes, cave trolls are real in Equestria
  852. >No, Twilight has never seen one in person
  853. >Yes, this means the MLP comics probably aren’t a reliable source of things to avoid mentioning
  854. >No, the show isn’t reliable either because apparently none of the musical numbers happened, and who knows what did happen
  855. >Yes, this makes it a bit easier for you to believe Twilight Sparkle and Spike are real
  856. >Yes, you know pig Latin
  857. >No, you don’t know what Pinkie meant by “no hidden message”
  858. >Yes, this probably means something’s happening in Equestria that makes hiding messages something that needs to be done
  859. >No, you have no idea what’s happening
  860. >No, you didn’t voice that concern
  861. >Yes, Twilight’s not bringing it up either
  862. >Yes, that probably means she wants to deal with it by herself
  863. >No, humans wouldn’t be related to cave trolls if they were real here
  864. >No, there’s no way to know if the vanara biologists are going to want a tissue sample
  865. >No, vanara aren’t part of western mythology
  866. >Yes, it’s probably something she should have thought of earlier
  867. >No, there’s no way to tell if that's going to start a riot
  868. >No, don’t panic
  869. >No, Twilight, please don’t panic
  870.  
  871.  
  872. >You did some digging, and apparently vanara and xiezhi are part of Asian mythology
  873. >Xiezhi are lizard-dog things from Chinese mythology which are obsessed with justice, but that’s rather plain compared to vanara
  874. >Vanara are little monkey things from Indian mythology that are capable of shapeshifting to a certain extent
  875. >Their Equestrian version is kind of a mix between Mr. Fantastic from Marvel comics or Dhsalim from Street Fighter and a chameleon
  876. >They’re less capable than their mythical counterparts, which is good because one myth says they can be as large as a mountain if they want to
  877. >Monkey-mountains sound terrifying, and having another Changeling-like race would be pretty confusing
  878. >Twilight did mention Changelings when she was telling you about vanara, fortunately
  879. >Headcanons be damned, you just want to have less opportunities to slip up and talk about something she thinks you wouldn’t know about
  880. >The internet is enough of a risk, but making her happy means giving her what she wants, when she wants it
  881. >A cobbling of spare parts, some drilling to get a CAT5 cable from the router into the basement, and about $150 add up to one satisfied, out of your hair for the next few months alicorn princess
  882. >No word yet from the big two about whether they’re still mad at you for asking how they know they’re cartoon characters
  883.  
  884.  
  885. >They were a lot angrier than you would’ve expected for a reply to such an innocent, offhand question
  886. >Even if it was really loaded
  887. >It’s going to be hard to believe them if they accept your apology without explaining why they were so upset
  888. >Was it the “Dear Princess” bit?
  889. >They made a point of saying they don’t want letters addressed to them like that
  890. >That was more force of habit on your part
  891. >If they know about the cartoon somehow, they might know about the friendship reports being at the end of most of season 1’s episodes
  892. >Of course, there’s no way to know until they get a reply to you somehow
  893. >You’ve been trying to get Twilight to bring more books from Equestria
  894. >She hasn’t fallen for it yet
  895. >Speculation is pointless
  896. >For now, work with what’s known
  897. >You know you promised to get going so you could pick Evan up for Drew’s pre-carnival party around now
  898. >And going you shall get
  899. >You shut your laptop to rid yourself of the Bradness that’s overtaken the pony fandom in the last few days and roll off your bed to get your everyday carry items
  900. >Wristwatch, cheapo Swiss Army knife knockoff, wallet, headphones with in-line microphone and phone controls, cellphone and belt holster, a lighter (even though you don’t smoke), and a ‘take 15 minutes before exercising’ anti-asthma aerosol (because your cardio is so bad that it’s almost like you smoked)
  901. >Except for that last item, it feels like an action movie’s “suit up” montage every time
  902.  
  903.  
  904. >Oh, and the gift card
  905. >Not forgetting that twice
  906. >Spike, as usual, is on the couch playing the Nintendo
  907. >There’s plenty of time to spare, so you check in on him quickly
  908. >You come up behind the couch and watch for a couple of seconds to get an idea of where he is
  909. >Banjo’s running around a small harbor town, then he jumps into a big pipe that’s coming out of the wall
  910. >‘Jolly Roger Bay,’ then
  911. >After he hops inside, the area’s title appears onscreen
  912. >“Grunty Industries? Is that a level I can’t get to yet, or something?”
  913. “You hit the nail on the head, thigh-high.”
  914. >He leans over backwards, presenting you with his inverted face
  915. >“So when do I get to this one?”
  916. “It’s a couple of levels after Jolly Roger Bay. Did you do the thing that makes it so you don’t use your oxygen meter while you’re underwater?”
  917. >“Yeah, I’m just checking around the surface again. I’ve got to say I’m glad Twilight doesn’t watch me play this. Getting to play as the skull shaman guy is pretty cool, but they get so much wrong about how magic works it’d probably send Twi into a five-hour rant.”
  918. “Tell me about it. She’s picking out all the stuff in Harry Potter that’s off, too.”
  919. >He cringes a little when you say “Harry Potter”
  920. >“Ooh… yeah, about that.”
  921. “Something wrong?”
  922. >He pauses the game and turns around so he can look less ridiculous
  923.  
  924.  
  925. >“I think that book really offended her.”
  926. “Isn’t she-”
  927. >“No, no, I don’t just mean about the magic being wrong. She said something about how there’s a part where they talk about unicorns being killed for their horns so the bad guy can make himself live forever.”
  928. “Oh.”
  929. >“Yeah, she said she’s not going to read any more.”
  930. “Well, I hope the next book she reads is more to her liking.”
  931. >“She said she’s gonna go back to shaking spears.”
  932. “Alright, good to know. Did she say which play she’s going to read?”
  933. >“I think she said ‘Caesar’ was next.”
  934. >Seriously?
  935. >The one thing you put the list together for, and she’s ignoring it
  936. “Oh for- when is she going to get to ‘Romeo and Juliet,’ already?”
  937. >“I know the plan is to get her to see that humans are all lovey-dovey at heart, but she’s more interested in getting a primer for the movies and stuff. I think she said she read on the internet that the one about Rome has a character from the ‘Caesar’ play in it.”
  938. >That would explain why she was looking up stuff about Rome when she’s up to a totally different part of ‘Traditions and Encounters’ in her history studies
  939. >It doesn’t explain why she was looking up star charts, though
  940. “At least she’s serious about watching the movies with me. Anyway, I’ve got to go pick up one of my friends and I need to apologize to Twilight before I leave.”
  941. >“I’m not sure this is such a good time. She got some pretty bad news today.”
  942. “What was it?”
  943. >“She wanted you to see for yourself. Good luck, zom-butt.”
  944.  
  945.  
  946. >Well fuck
  947. >Hopefully she’s not mad about something
  948. >Into the kitchen to make one last stop before you go
  949. >Eliza’s out AGAIN because she’s doing administrative stuff at the weekly farmer’s market, no surprise there
  950. >The door to Jon’s office is closed
  951. >You can hear Twilight and Jon talking inside
  952. >There are several papers taped to the door, one on top of the other
  953. >It seems like they were left for you
  954. >You’ve got time to make an apology and read these, so you oblige
  955. >The first one has some Chinese calligraphy on it
  956.  
  957.  
  958. Princess Twilight Sparkle of Ponyville,
  959.  
  960. It is with deep sorrow that I must inform you of our lack of solutions to your problem. You deserve to
  961. come home to great celebrations of your studies. The world will be a better place for your efforts. I do
  962. not intend to remove all hope. Princess Celestia of Canterlot tells us that we may pursue all methods
  963. which could be used to return you to Equestria. She said unorthodox methods may be used if necessary.
  964. The tone in which she said “unorthodox” gave me much discomfort.
  965.  
  966.  
  967. Representative Xiezhi Ma Yu Zhe of Orange Beaches Province
  968. 奧蘭治海灘省獬豸代表馬語者
  969. 獬豸麒麟集體正義與普遍繁榮
  970.  
  971.  
  972. >…Welp, looks like she’s here for the long run
  973. >As soon as you finish thinking “fuck my life,” you realize that you urgently need to get into contact with Celestia
  974. >You can’t keep an entire fandom and brand name under wraps forever
  975. >Right now, you have more urgent things to take care of, like picking up Evan
  976. >The next couple of papers don’t have much on them
  977.  
  978.  
  979. Twiley,
  980.  
  981. Our private messenger just brought the news. I’m so, so sorry. I’m going to Canterlot to be with mom
  982. and dad. I haven’t heard from them yet, but I can only guess how they feel. Cadence can’t come with
  983. because of her royal duties. She’s putting a good act of keeping it together when I’m around, but I think
  984. it’s only an act. Her voice cracks a little whenever I ask how she’s doing. Consider this a letter from both
  985. of us.
  986.  
  987.  
  988. Stay strong.
  989. Shining Armor
  990.  
  991.  
  992. >That was a personal letter
  993. >Twilight must be really broken up about getting stranded if she’s willing to display that
  994. >That leaves the last letter
  995. >You can’t make out much of it except “To our dearest daughter” because it’s so smudged and tear-stained
  996. >It looks like it might say “the last few years have been eventful” and “you went out with a bang”
  997. >The only legible parts of the signature are “we’ll always love you, no matter where life takes you” and the word “Velvet”
  998. >Another personal letter
  999. >That one was probably from her parents
  1000. >None of them expect her to come back
  1001. >You fold the letters up and put them on the kitchen table
  1002.  
  1003.  
  1004. >Spike may be right
  1005. >It might not actually be a good time to apologize to her
  1006. >You’re about to leave when the office door slowly swings open
  1007. >Nobody is talking inside, and nobody’s there to have opened the door
  1008. >Jon leans over his desk and into view
  1009. >“Well, how about that. He is there.”
  1010. >Twilight struts up to the doorway, looking back at Jon and speaking with a hint of pride in her voice
  1011. >“Told you I could see him.”
  1012. >Then she turns to you so she can
  1013. >JESUS FUCK HER EYES ARE GLOWING
  1014. >IT’S GONNA BLOW
  1015. >“I saw you reading those letters I left for you. We… well, we’re stuck.”
  1016. >She doesn’t seem to notice that you’re not very comfortable with how she’s SPEWING MAGIC FROM HER EYES
  1017. >Maybe this is normal
  1018. >Maybe
  1019. >“I’m not sure if we’ll ever get back. I mean, there might be a chance, but it’s a longshot and the result would probably be worse than staying here.”
  1020. >Does she not realize that she’s overcharged with magic?
  1021. >Jon’s not doing anything about it
  1022. >Alright, roll with it and don't make any sudden movements
  1023.  
  1024.  
  1025. “Uh… just out of curiosity, what would that longshot be?”
  1026. >“The dark style of magic is much more efficient than conventional magic, but it’s illegal for very good reasons. Dark magic can change its user on a mental and emotional level, and without exception it changes them for the worse. Used extremely sparingly, the results are temporary and negligible. The amount that would be required for a trip between universes would instantly make the caster or casters incoherent and mindlessly aggressive. I’m worried that’s what Celestia was implying.”
  1027. “Do you think she’d do it?”
  1028. >“Oh heavens, no! She wouldn’t. We value her too much to let her sacrifice herself like that. Besides, I don’t think she’d want to do that just for my sake!”
  1029. “You make it sound like it would kill her.”
  1030. >“It would. That’s exactly why I told her I’d stay here unless she finds others who would volunteer. Chances are that nop0ny would want to throw their life away like that, so… yeah. I’m not counting on going home anymore.”
  1031. >Her absolute calm while talking about Celestia offing herself, coupled with those glowing eyes, is creepy as all fuck
  1032. >Even if she’s not about to explode with magic
  1033. >How has she not noticed your reaction to all this?
  1034.  
  1035.  
  1036. “So it would drain all of her magic and kill her, even though it’s more efficient?”
  1037. >“No, she’d live. She’s got more magic than thousands of average unicorns combined. Heck, I might be able to take Spike, myself, and a decent amount of equipment and texts from Earth to Equestria using dark magic and survive if I get my calculations right.”
  1038. “I don’t understand. You just said it would kill her.”
  1039. >“From a biological standpoint, she’d be perfectly healthy. On a mental level, though, she’d be totally dead. Worse than dead, even, because her body would be a living reminder of what’s lost.”
  1040. “What, like a vegetative state?”
  1041. >“No, she’d be conscious.”
  1042. >This doesn’t make any sense
  1043. >Living and dead, there and not
  1044. >This conversation could irradiate a cat half of the time
  1045. >Fortunately, Jon chimes in for you
  1046. >“You’re leaving out an important piece of information.”
  1047. >“Oh, right! The human concept of sentience and life is different. Sorry, I’m a little distracted right now.”
  1048. “So what’s different about it?”
  1049. >This sends her into lecture mode and instantly removes most of the worried tremor from her voice
  1050. >“Sentience is a threshold where members of species are, on average, conscious of themself and others to the point that they form a stable, independent civilization which interacts peacefully with other intelligent species.”
  1051. “So do humans qualify as sentient?”
  1052.  
  1053.  
  1054. >She bites her lip and probably looks to the side
  1055. >You can’t be sure because of freaky glowing eyes
  1056. >“Humans are sort of a, um…”
  1057. >She pauses for a few seconds to find an appropriate word
  1058. >“…exceptional case because there aren’t any other intelligent species here. Homo sapiens sapiens did come to the top of the evolutionary pile by eliminating all of its Stone Age competitors, though, so… maybe, sort of, not really, but kind of yes? There’s not exactly a spot on the flowchart for a ‘last species standing makes contact with a new species, but doesn’t kill them’ scenario.”
  1059. “Are there any comparable species on your planet?”
  1060. >“I’d say diamond dogs. They usually form competing clans and small societies, but peaceful interaction is all but impossible between… no, that’s not a fair comparison. Humans are closer to vanara. There are several dozen sultanates, but where they are and how many there are depends on who’s married to whom, which towns are prospering, and all sorts of other drama. Actually, that’s not a good comparison, either, because they’ll unify when they need to. Maybe the buffalo tribes… no, those are nomadic. That rules out some of the zebras, too…”
  1061. >She’s not even looking at you by now, seemingly lost in thought behind her eyelights’ sparkle
  1062.  
  1063.  
  1064. >You’re about to check your watch when Jon intervenes again
  1065. >“Twilight.”
  1066. >“Hmm?
  1067. >“You’re rambling.”
  1068. >“Oh. The short answer is ‘no.’ As for the concept of life, life is synonymous with the mind. A body can live without a mind, but it’s not truly alive. Likewise, a mind needs a body to inhabit. I’m essentially suffering a biological death every time I teleport, but I’ve never completely died.”
  1069. >Twilight has the whole creepy schtick down pat right now and she doesn’t even realize it holy shit
  1070. “Wait, you killed yourself to get here?”
  1071. >“Only biologically, and only for an instant. Bodies aren’t exactly intended to work when all of their molecules are traveling in a single file line at light-years per second. I’m made of the same material as I was and I have the same mind as I used to, so it’s not like I’m not myself. There was just a teeny-tiny moment when I wasn’t.”
  1072. “Uhh… wasn’t what?”
  1073. >“I wasn’t. I was nonexistent for a fraction of a second.”
  1074. >Twilight's fucking with you
  1075. >She must be
  1076. “…okay, I guess I understand, but what does all this mean in terms of dark magic?”
  1077.  
  1078.  
  1079. >“Mentally, a frequent and/or intense user of dark magic would degrade so much that their personality would be replaced with basic desires and instincts, and their body would grow slightly along with a noticeable darkening of their skin and hair. They would cease to be a person and just be a beast, almost like an Earth animal. No thought, no reason, little to no communication, totally incapable of understanding abstract concepts… functionally, that’s death.”
  1080. >So if they can’t think, they’re not alive
  1081. “That sort of makes sense…”
  1082. >“A famous example of what happens to dark magic users would be King Sombra of the Crystal Empire. I’ll see if I can get a history book that has more detail, but the gist of it is that he was a unicorn who used to be a prince and local governor not long after the foundation of Equestria. He took issue with Celestia and Luna’s rule and declared himself the king of a sovereign empire. They would have been okay with that, but he took it too far.”
  1083. “What did he do?”
  1084.  
  1085.  
  1086. >“At first it looked like he was just following the example of what’s now the Coltalan Semi-Autonomous Zone, but then he banished all except earth ponies from his ‘empire’ and used dark magic to transform his subjects into living crystalline versions of their former selves. Nop0ny is sure exactly why he did this, but it got Celestia and Luna to intervene. At this point he was so deranged from dark magic use that he made a long speech about 'making a statement' and cast one final spell that made himself and the entire empire disappear. They reappeared last year, and Sombra was… less than cogent, let’s say.”
  1087. “So dark magic makes people crazy, and if they’re crazy they’re not people.”
  1088. >Screw Loose the dog-pony’s backstory just got a lot darker
  1089. >No, bad mind!
  1090. >No more headcanons, just care about what you need to know!
  1091. >“Not exactly. Sufferers of insanity-related conditions can recover. The only ‘cure’ for chronic dark magic use is death, but fortunately most dark magic users lose the mental capacity for continued magic use and can’t use more magic to harm others. They usually wander off from society. They get a premature funeral, and then a proper burial if they’re found after whatever combination of exposure, starvation, and wildlife does their body in.”
  1092. >It looks like there’s sort of a silhouette of something in her eyes
  1093.  
  1094.  
  1095. >“Sorry for the grim subject matter, but there’s not really any way to talk about dark magic that isn’t horribly uncomfortable. Teleportation is kind of a weird area of philosophy as well, but, uh… it’s sort of the go-to illustration for the Equestrian concept of life.”
  1096. “It doesn’t help that you’re doing this while you’re so charged with magic that it’s literally pouring out of your eye sockets.”
  1097. >“Huh? Oh! Oh, sorry, I forgot I left the enchantment in! I didn’t scare you, did I? I can’t really judge humans’ facial expressions like this. It’s like you’re made of a totally non-reflective material. All I can make out is your shape.”
  1098. “You actually did scare me a bit.”
  1099. >“This is just the visible magical particles spell. I figure if I see humans like this more often I might get over the fact that they look so, uh… strange. Just some good old-fashioned exposure therapy!”
  1100. “That’s what’s happening with your eyes?”
  1101. >“Yeah. I showed it to you back when I did a lecture on the fundamental energies, remember?”
  1102. >Okay, but there’s one problem with that explanation
  1103. “Spike said it looked different that time.”
  1104. >“That’s probably because I was looking at three humans simultaneously.”
  1105. >Oh right, duh
  1106. >That explanation holds water and is a lot more appealing than an impending magi-splosion
  1107. “So that shadowy figure in your eyes is me?”
  1108. >“Yup. The spell is more of an overlay than an actual in-eye projection. There’s usually not enough contrast for an outside viewer to be able to tell what I’m looking at. Usually.”
  1109.  
  1110.  
  1111. >You can’t help but notice that your shadow is getting slightly brighter
  1112. “It looks like you’re losing contrast.”
  1113. >“It does that sometimes. I’m sorry if it made this conversation weirder than it needed to be. I’m just a bit preoccupied right now. I’m not entirely ‘here’ so to speak.”
  1114. “Would you please make your eyes stop glowing?”
  1115. >“The stored magic in this enchantment should run out soon. Just give it a minute.”
  1116. >If it’s harmless, you might as well
  1117. “Alright. It still looks really weird, though. Look… uh, Spike told me that you’re not going to read any more Harry Potter. Sorry about that. I forgot that part was in the book.”
  1118. >She gives a dismissive hoof-wave, but she sounds nervous again
  1119. >“It’s fine. I’m not sure what I was expecting, reading a book about magic from an author who has no experience with magic.”
  1120. >It wouldn’t hurt to check if she’s feeling at all like her family does about how she’s stuck
  1121. “Are you okay? You sound upset.”
  1122. >“I-I’m fine.”
  1123. >That’s a lie if you ever heard one
  1124. >Jon leans back into view and mouths “She’s not.”
  1125. “I mean, you just got letters from the rescue team and your family about how they don’t expect to see you again…”
  1126. >“No. I’m fine. Everything is just fine.”
  1127. >The spell is starting to fade off of her eyes
  1128. >She’s very obviously on the verge of tears
  1129. >It’s too easy to forget that she’s not a cartoon character anymore
  1130. >Here she is with all this power, but under it all she’s just a sad, scared girl
  1131.  
  1132.  
  1133. >Jon nods towards the door
  1134. “I, uh… I have an appointment I need to keep. I have to go.”
  1135. >All things considered, Twilight’s keeping a remarkably straight face
  1136. >“Yeah… don’t want to be late…”
  1137. >Maybe it wasn’t such a good idea to check
  1138. >You’re in the awkward position of having to stay and comfort her if she starts crying and be late for the time you set with Evan, or getting there on time and making Twilight even more miserable by looking like an indifferent prick
  1139. >Jon sees his opening and makes the choice for you
  1140. >“Twilight, what do you say we call off the troubleshooting for today? We can do the math for humidity-related corrosion on the other half of the components tomorrow.”
  1141. >“I… I have something I wanted to do downstairs, anyway. Let’s stop for today.”
  1142. >You give her plenty of space as she slowly trudges past you
  1143. >She’s quietly talking to herself, muttering about not making progress
  1144. >Once she’s gone, you and your father share a tense moment of silence
  1145. “She’s not doing so well.”
  1146. >“Neither are we if she has to stay here permanently. You should get going. We’ll deal with this later.”
  1147. “Are you sure? I mean, she’s really upset.”
  1148. >“I don’t see a reason for her to do anything drastic.”
  1149. “If you say so.”
  1150. >Turning for the door, you hear Jon speak one last time before you leave
  1151. >“There’s supposed to be a drizzle tonight.”
  1152. “Thank you.”
  1153. >You grab your raincoat and head for your car
  1154. >Once you’re in the driver’s seat, you take a few seconds to clear your head
  1155.  
  1156.  
  1157. >Breathe in
  1158. >Breathe out
  1159. >Act like nothing happened
  1160. >Just forget it all for the next few hours
  1161. >Keep your home life and outdoor life totally separate
  1162. >Then you turn the key in the ignition and drive
  1163. >Evan’s the kind of guy who lives in a neighborhood of McMansions, but his family only has a two story home
  1164. >Not exactly rich, but not exactly middle-class
  1165. >He’s got parents in well-paid jobs that can always provide, but he’s actually got a better work ethic than you do
  1166. >One of the jokes between you and him is that he’s part of the Jewish conspiracy
  1167. >Which makes sense, because, well, he’s a full-blooded, Mitzvah’d (but secular) Jew and he loves conspiracy theories
  1168. >Not in-your-face orthodox Jewish or massive-nosed caricature Jewish
  1169. >Just the “Oh, he’s Jewish? I guess that makes sense. Moving on…” sort of Jewish
  1170. >Personally, he’s very detail oriented
  1171. >Whether it’s the backstory of the only Imperial Officer in Star Wars who’s wearing a white uniform or what color Stalin painted his toenails on the day after the thirtieth anniversary of the October Revolution, he knows it
  1172. >Booksmart as he is about Star Wars and Soviet history, he’s a magnificent dumbass sometimes
  1173.  
  1174.  
  1175. >Such as right now, when you’re picking him up at his front door
  1176. >He’s squatting down to baby-talk to his family’s new puppy, which pulls up the ankles of his pants just enough for you to tell he’s wearing a blue sock on his left foot and a white one on his right foot
  1177. >It’s enough to put a little smile on your face, despite the trouble you left at home
  1178. >As he hops in the passenger seat, you can’t help but jab at him for his choice of clothing
  1179. “Nice footwear.”
  1180. >“It’s the new style. It's called ‘I wasn't looking when I pulled these out of the laundry.’”
  1181. >He slams the door shut behind himself, buckles in, and you start driving
  1182. >“You got the gift card?”
  1183. “Right here.”
  1184. >You tap on the plastic through your pocket and whip out the item as soon as you come to a stop sign
  1185. >He takes it from you as you hand it to him
  1186. >“Thanks. Sorry about asking you like that. I didn’t mean to seem needy or anything, it’s just that-”
  1187. “No problem. I forgot something, you reminded me, and we needn’t make any more of it. You’re so self-conscious about how Jewish you seem that it’s actually making you act more Jewish.”
  1188. >Out into the intersection and onto the main roads
  1189. >“At least I’m not my cousin.”
  1190. >Oh fuck, THAT guy
  1191. “I never could stand him.”
  1192.  
  1193.  
  1194. >“Who can? It’s hard to like a guy with the resume of a vending machine distribution manager and the ego of a billionaire. Jesus Christ, it’s almost like he wants people to hate him.”
  1195. >Ah, friendship
  1196. >The only relationship in which it’s acceptable for two people to make horrible, horrible jokes about eachother
  1197. “You can’t say ‘Jesus!’ Doesn’t the Torah have rules about that?”
  1198. >“I don’t think so, and you can’t exactly take Moses’ name in vain without standing out. Besides, who swears to him? He’s smalltime compared to big J in terms of cultural influence.”
  1199. “Just checkin.’”
  1200. >“As opposed to just Chechen. Did you hear about how the Czech embassy’s twitter account got spammed by people who didn’t know the difference between Chechnya and the Czech Republic when they found out the Marathon bombing was done by Chechen Muslims?”
  1201. “Two things. One: that pun was terrible. Two: yes, because we talked about it at your birthday.”
  1202. >“We did?”
  1203. “It was just after you told us about how it looked like there were a bunch of people there wearing jackets and backpacks with PMC company logos.”
  1204. >“Oh yeahhh… well what about the ‘Crisis Actors’ theory that’s been cropping up?”
  1205. “Are we still talking about the bombing?”
  1206. >“I guess you haven’t, then. People think that the bombing was all makeup and special effects, and the gub’ment had actors be the people who were ‘hit’ by the ‘explosion.’”
  1207. “That’s hilarious! Have they done any real investigation into this or just speculated and shut out anyone who tries to find flaws in the theory like they usually do?”
  1208. >“It’s business as usual.”
  1209.  
  1210.  
  1211. “Goddamn, for all the whining about non-conspiracists being sheep who never question anything they’re told, the conspiracy theorists are just as bad. The only difference is that they follow a different shepherd.”
  1212. >“This is exactly why I can’t take them seriously. All the popular theories about recent stuff have huge loose ends that you can never ask about, but coming to an unreasonable conclusion based on a tiny inconsistency in something ‘mainstream’ is perfectly acceptable. In this case, it’s people. How many people would you have to get to keep quiet to pull that sort of thing off, discounting the use of mind-control and robots of any type?”
  1213. “Let me see… twenty dozen victims… hundreds of hospital workers and first responders… I’m coming up with approximately one fuckton of people, give or take.”
  1214. >“And they’ve all been quiet for a month now. Hell, the people who R&D’d, piloted, and erased all evidence of the holographic cruise missiles used on 9/11 are still quiet. So are the people who abducted the passengers and created voice synthesizers to impersonate them calling their families from the planes. That’s sort of hard to believe now that the AP’s release of phone records to the government is public knowledge. Even the PMC theory has this hole in it, and that’s the most plausible one I’ve heard about the bombing.”
  1215. >He shifts in his seat a bit so he can gesture and emphasize his point
  1216.  
  1217.  
  1218. >“The more people involved, the more likely it is that one of them’s going to stop and say ‘wait, isn’t this wrong?’ or fuck up and leave something incriminating to be found. It’s why a public REX 84 is flawed, too; they can’t brand dissidents convincingly enough as the enemy. A massive roundup of dissidents would only create more dissidents, possibly amongst the ones doing the rounding up.”
  1219. >One more prod at him, just because the conversation’s getting a little too serious for what you had to deal with before you left to pick him up and you can’t exactly talk about your life right now
  1220. “I’d believe it if your big brother sided with The Big Brother and threw us both into FEMA camps for being in a dissidence-prone demographic. I bet he’d go along with it because he thinks it’s funny.”
  1221. >“I always knew he’d join the Marines.”
  1222. “You did?”
  1223. >“There was this one time the teacher gave him a Mad Lib. He wrote ‘fuck’ for every adjective, verb, noun, and adverb, then wrote ‘fuckasaurus sex’ when it asked him for the name of a dinosaur. He laughed all the way to the principal’s office, no regrets. Genius humor like that can only come from a Jarhead.”
  1224. >That IS quite witty
  1225.  
  1226.  
  1227. “Heh, you have to admire grunt humor for its simplicity!”
  1228. >“Back to my point, though, I wouldn’t be surprised if there was a conspiracy to create ridiculous conspiracy theories and distract from the ones that make sense. The Soviets did it after the JFK assassination and they later commented on how it was too easy to get westerners to believe outrageous lies.”
  1229. >And there’s Evan’s obsession with obscure Cold War history coming into play
  1230. “Why do you always fixate on the Soviets like that?”
  1231. >“Why don’t you? They have those fuzzy hats like the one General Ourumov wore in ‘Goldeneye!’”
  1232. >You take one hand off the wheel to facepalm, splaying your fingers so you can still see the road
  1233. >“You know, the cylindrical one that’s-”
  1234. “Oh god, forget I even asked…”
  1235. >Gesturing upwards towards nothing in particular, you remove your hand from your face
  1236. “Illuminati! Let’s talk about them instead.”
  1237. >“If they’re as influential as they’re made out to be, we wouldn’t even know that name, and they definitely wouldn’t go plastering their symbols on our money.”
  1238. “True. They’d have to be pretty cocky to wave their conspiracy in our faces.”
  1239.  
  1240.  
  1241. >“Yeah, but right under people’s noses is an effective hiding spot if it’s used well. Going back to what you said, I think the good conspiracy theories are the ones that you have to admire for their simplicity, too. Let's turn on the radio. I bet I can make a believable one right now. No robots, reptoids, or mind control.”
  1242. >He leans forward and pushes the volume control in
  1243. >A second later, the car is filled with British-accented voices discussing how Africa is having another bad day
  1244.  
  1245. http://www.bbc.co.uk/programmes/p0189p8q
  1246. (Audio link: BBC World Service’s program that aired on May 18, 2013. Start the audio at the 44 minute mark. The website says that this link will go dead sometime in 2014, so get it while you can! Or don’t. I’m just suggesting things. It’s not like you actually need to do them.)
  1247.  
  1248. >“Hmm… I could use that one, but it’d rely too much on antagonizing the UN. That’s been done to death. Let’s wait for the next story.”
  1249. >Minutes later, they’re talking about how Richard Wagner is still controversial in Germany, even at his bicentennial
  1250. >“Ooh! THIS is a good one. Wagner’s anti-Semitism is a product of the Catholic Church.”
  1251. “You’ve got a beginning and an end. Connect the dots and let’s see if it makes sense.”
  1252.  
  1253.  
  1254. >“During the Middle Ages, the Clergy decided that collecting money on loans wasn’t ‘living by the sweat of one’s brow,’ and therefore sinful. This made the economy of Europe stall, because nobody would loan money if they couldn’t make a living of it and still go to heaven. However, there was a loophole. Jews were technically exempt. Jewish Sheol and Christian Hell are two different things, so the Jews ignored the clergy and became the bankers that Europe deserved, but not the ones they needed right now.”
  1255. “Alright, Commissioner Gordon, what does that have to do with Wagner?”
  1256. >Right on cue, the program shifts to an interview with a German historian
  1257. >“As a result of all this, Jewish families got more and more experience and influence in banking, becoming synonymous with banking and wealth. Banking became synonymous with division and the status quo. When the Germanic states wanted to unify and have a national bank for a single German country, Jewish bankers didn’t want to go along with it. It would be a messy operation to integrate all of their banks, and more than a few of them would probably lose their fortunes in the process.”
  1258. >The historian on the radio makes a statement about how anti-Semitism was pretty much the popular opinion in the 19th century’s Germanic states
  1259.  
  1260.  
  1261. >“And like they said just there on the radio, that’s what everyone at the time was frustrated with, not just Wagner. They wanted change and had to go up against a system that wanted things to stay the same. Through only some fault of its own, the face of that system was the Star of David.”
  1262. >He reclines in the passenger seat and crosses his arms in front of him
  1263. >“Quid Erat Demonstratus.”
  1264. “You got the suffix wrong. It’s ‘demonstratUM.’”
  1265. >“Still, it was a convincing theory, right?”
  1266. “I guess it makes sense… but how can we be 100% certain this wasn’t just a series of accidents, well intentioned mistakes, and coincidences? Can we confirm there was some Cardinal who thought to himself ‘gee, I bet we can dick over those heretical Jews in a way that’s totally not counter-intuitive if we give them loads of money’ or something?”
  1267. >“We can’t. Isn’t it exciting, though? It keeps me up at night, wondering if there really are centuries-old secret societies constantly fighting it out in the background and knowing that spy drama is always happening between countries. My theory would definitely make Gavrilo Princip’s life story more interesting.”
  1268. “Who?”
  1269. >“Second most influential man of the twentieth century. He shot Archduke Ferdinand and started the First World War.”
  1270. >He’s bringing up the World Wars?
  1271.  
  1272.  
  1273. “Wait a minute… are you trying to say-”
  1274. >“You guessed it. In a really roundabout way, the Catholic Church almost prevented the Second Reich and accidentally caused the Third Reich! That’s unless they were genius enough to plan this sort of thing and keep that plan on track for almost a millennium despite countless changes of leadership in the church. Then it was for intentionally turning public opinion against Jews far enough to have someone rise to power on the platform of ‘I’ll kill the Jews.’”
  1275. >That’s not fair!
  1276. “You said you were coming up with a believable one!”
  1277. >“But I did!”
  1278. “No you didn’t! Linking it to Hitler is cheating!”
  1279. >“Is not!”
  1280. “Is too!”
  1281. >“I didn’t make him important or like Wagner: he just IS IMPORTANT and liked Wagner. I never said the Catholic Church definitely did this. I’m just saying that it might have happened like that, so I’m not going to convince myself this is the reason it happened until all the other possibilities seem less likely than that one.”
  1282. >Neither of you speak for a few seconds
  1283. >The radio keeps going, talking about how Hitler did actually like Wagner’s music and opinions
  1284. >Well, Evan did have a point until he ruined it
  1285. “As balls-to-the-wall crazy as that one got, I have to admit that you had me going for a minute.”
  1286. >“Not saying it did happen because of that. I’m just saying it’s exciting to think that it might have.”
  1287. “You listen to too much Alex Jones.”
  1288.  
  1289.  
  1290. >Evan shuts down the radio
  1291. >“His opinions and callers are kind of wack, but the raw information he broadcasts is useful. I like his show for that. Did you hear about Ryan Fogle?”
  1292. “As much as it sounds like you made that name up, I did. He got some coverage on NPR.”
  1293. >“No relation to Archibald Spoob, the visionary writer behind the ‘Time Traveling Child Molesters’ videogames. The man’s a complete genius. The TTCM series is like Max Payne, Metal Gear Solid, and Watchmen all combined in terms of its attention to detail.”
  1294. >This is that in-joke you told Twilight about
  1295. >Needless to say, it was Evan’s idea, not yours
  1296. >You go along with it because it reminds you of the insane stuff the pedestrians in Grand Theft Auto make small talk about
  1297. >Sometimes you even talk about it in public with him just because the “What the fuck did I just overhear?” looks on peoples’ faces are so priceless
  1298. “Oh man, I’ve been meaning to get the fifteenth entry to that series for forever!”
  1299. >“I won’t spoil it for you, but the twist in the second act is absolutely mind boggling. You should get it. Anyway, Fogle… worst American spy ever?”
  1300. “Approaching the Russians and saying ‘I be double agent now, da?’ with a spare passport and a pair of fake mustaches in his pocket just goes to show how hard the sequester is hitting the CIA’s training and Q-branch equivalent.”
  1301.  
  1302.  
  1303. >“This year has been so embarrassing for the US. I’m actually starting to lose internet arguments about how the US could get its redemption from all this shame.”
  1304. “I doubt it’ll get any better before it gets worse.”
  1305. >“The AP phone records leak is just the tip of the iceberg. Mark my words.”
  1306. “Marked.”
  1307. >Evan looks out the window for a second and gets his bearings
  1308. >“Hey, I think we’re going to go by Danilo’s house. Let me call him up and… fuck.”
  1309. “I thought you were just friends.”
  1310. >He’s rapidly feeling his pockets for something he can’t find
  1311. >“No, I forgot my phone! I was going to call him and see if he’s already got a ride to Drew’s thing. Do you have his number in your phone?”
  1312. “I don’t think I do. I mean, I only know him through you.”
  1313. >“Can I see it and check?”
  1314. “Only if you keep both your hands on it and keep the car windows shut.”
  1315. >You pull up to a stop light and pop the phone out of your holster for him
  1316. >He scrolls through the contacts list for a minute, then gives up and puts the phone in the center console
  1317. >“Nope, he’s not here. Damn.”
  1318. “Ah well, we can swing by his house and check.”
  1319. >“This reminds me, actually. Did that kid I talked to on Wednesday have you call me back? You didn’t get back to me for a few hours.”
  1320. >What?
  1321. >What is he talking about?
  1322. “What kid?”
  1323.  
  1324.  
  1325. >He picks the phone up again and goes to your call logs
  1326. >You glance over to him as the stop light turns green
  1327. >There are two incoming calls from Evan on Wednesday, both around nine in the morning
  1328. >One of them was picked up
  1329. >All you did was call him back after you saw a ‘missed call’ notification
  1330. >“I tried calling twice. Nobody picked up on the first time, but the second time some kid answered me.”
  1331. >Spike
  1332. >Spike is paving a road to hell
  1333. >Everything had been perfect until now, and now they’ve had outside contact with someone who you convinced to watch half of season one
  1334. >He might have watched more, but you were commenting on how they rarely reuse pieces of music in MLP seconds before they started reusing a piece of music
  1335. >Now you have to make the straightest poker face of your life because Spike’s a fucking idiot
  1336. >“He actually sounded kind of familiar, but I couldn’t place it.”
  1337. “I think I know who it was”
  1338. >“Do I know him?
  1339. “It’s one of the neighbors’ kids. There’s one that actually has the same name as you. You know how my mom is with kids: She probably had him over to babysit for a couple of hours and the kid picked up my phone while I wasn’t in the room.”
  1340. >That’s half true
  1341. >One of the neighbors’ children is named Evan
  1342. >“Okay, I just want to be sure that you’re not trying to re-enact level seven of ‘TTCM 8: The Molestification of Levittown.’”
  1343.  
  1344.  
  1345. >Deflect suspicion with a joke and change the subject
  1346. “Nah, it’s closer to ‘Inter-dimensional Zoophile Squad 3: Consent at all Cost’ level two. Anyway, we’re almost at Dan’s apartment.”
  1347. >You pull off of the main road and into the condo complex
  1348. >As you approach his condo, you see that his family’s cars aren’t there
  1349. >You stop and honk the horn, and after a short delay Dan comes out the door
  1350. >He jumps into the backseat and tries to join the conversation
  1351. >“Hey Evan, hey Jake. I’m guessing you got my text, E?”
  1352. >“Funny thing about that… I actually forgot my phone at home.”
  1353. >“You mean you guessed? Wow, thanks for coming to check! I’d be missing the pre-fireworks stuff for this town fair carnival thing if you’d just driven by.”
  1354. “Do you think they’re going to do the fireworks tonight? I heard there’s supposed to be a drizzle.”
  1355. >“Then it’s that much better that you decided to pick me up. I’d hate to get there and have there be nothing to do.”
  1356. >“It’s not like they can’t make a rain date. I heard this summer's going to be really dry and hot.”
  1357. >There’s a heat wave of rage you’ll unleash as you get home
  1358. >For now, keep it separate
  1359. >Act like nothing happened, and enjoy an afternoon amongst friends
  1360.  
  1361.  
  1362.  
  1363. #IRCAddamsLocal
  1364. Server time 5/18/2013, 19:22
  1365.  
  1366. 19:22:19@ElizaLaptop: Dinner’s served! Fried kale and zucchini over quinoa.
  1367. 19:22:25@JonDesktop has signed off
  1368. 19:22:30@Basement: Have you ever had one of those days when five things went wrong for every one thing that went right?
  1369. 19:22:40@ElizaLaptop: Everyone has.
  1370. 19:22:50@ElizaLaptop: I’ve seen more than a few happen, and I’ve had several.
  1371. 19:22:52:@Basement: That’s comforting to know.
  1372. 19:22:54@Basement: Humans seem socially and psychologically similar enough. Maybe I could find a way to fit in.
  1373.  
  1374.  
  1375. 19:23:05@ElizaLaptop: I thought I heard you sobbing earlier…
  1376. 19:23:09@Basement: I’m a hair’s breadth from the worst possible kind of death. All of my friends and family, everyp0ny I knew except for Spike… I’ll never see them again. If I lose Spike, I won’t even hear from them. I’ll be socially dead. Isolated. Alone.
  1377. 19:23:18@Basement: I heard a report on the radio today about how people inside the Gaza Strip are paying exorbitant fees to have food smuggled in from a restaurant across the border in Egypt. It’s supposed to be very tasty for humans. The Fried Chicken Restaurant of Kentucky, or something along those lines. Couriers are bringing deliveries through tunnels that the militants used to bring supplies for fighting Israel.
  1378. 19:23:24@Basement: The Gazans wouldn’t starve if that tunnel collapses. It would benefit the Gazan food vendors, but it would be a change for the worse. Those people don’t get comfort food when they need it, and they have to live with something different and arguably less palatable.
  1379. 19:23:40@ElizaLaptop: I could bring your dinner down to you, if you’d like.
  1380. 19:23:41@Basement: I’d appreciate that. No need to hurry on my account, though.
  1381. 19:23:45@Basement: I’ve got all the time in the world.
  1382.  
  1383.  
  1384.  
  1385. Part 3 (Author's note: Holy shit this part is 72000 characters long what the fuck was I doing)
  1386.  
  1387. >Wednesday, May 22, 4:57pm
  1388. >One of many days to come on Earth, Jon Addams’ office
  1389. >It’s been about four months, for the record
  1390. >You are Twilight Sparkle
  1391. >You’ve had your delusions
  1392. >Going home soon
  1393. >Getting the Canterlot Computer to finally stop malfunctioning
  1394. >A ‘computer’ being a metaphorical gateway to the greatest collection of information you’ve ever known
  1395. >That last one has been the only one you didn’t doubt, and now you’re regretting it
  1396. >A dual-boot Ubuntu/Windows 7 OS quad-core running at ~2.4GhZ per core with 3Gb of random access memory and two 500Gb magnetic secondary storage devices, plus a pair of earbud style speakers and a 1280 by 768 pixel liquid crystal display
  1397. >Compared to the Canterlot Computer, that’s awesome!
  1398. >Not the way that Rainbow Dash uses the word, either
  1399. >It actually inspires awe in you that this could be purchased and assembled for less than a month’s salary at a minimum-legal-wage job, giving you access to what you’ve come to think of as the joining of your consciousness with that of the human species
  1400. >Then you realize that this was made with much less than a month’s salary, and you might have forever to use it
  1401. >It wasn’t worth the tradeoff of never going home
  1402.  
  1403.  
  1404. >The ‘monitor’ has a patch of ‘pixels’ which were hit by a desk lamp and no longer function, one of the ‘RAM’ slots is fell victim to a ‘short circuit’ during a DIY maintenance, and the ‘earbuds’ are not designed for a p0ny’s ears
  1405. >You’re also not allowed to make an ‘electronic mail’ account because there’s a popular suspicion that these are under surveillance and could be used to find you out
  1406. >It just figures that those are needed to register for essential services on many ‘web sites’
  1407. >C’est la vie, as they say in Les Basses Terres du Griffon
  1408. >Most of the ‘internet’ is used for entertainment or ‘adult entertainment,’ according to the warnings Jake had the foresight to leave in the user guide
  1409. >Fortunately, the ‘internet’ is so extensive that the educational parts are nothing short of massive
  1410. >You’re more than occupied with the few ‘web sites’ recommended to you
  1411. >That can only mean that the rest is large enough to distract you until the end of time
  1412. >If you’re told that you’ll definitely need it until the end of time, you’re not sure how you’d feel
  1413. >It would take more than silly pictures of cats to cheer you up, that much is certain
  1414. >It had been curiosity that drew you to study human culture
  1415. >Now it’s necessity
  1416. >But… you have all the time in the world
  1417. >No rush, no deadlines
  1418. >No purpose outside of fixing the ‘Canterlot Computer’
  1419.  
  1420.  
  1421. >You’ll get to the cultural studies when you’re done troubleshooting
  1422. >Or when you’re distracted
  1423. >Cats are a large part of human entertainment on the ‘internet’
  1424. >Noted
  1425. >True to the warnings, it was difficult to tear yourself away from the entertainment ‘sites’
  1426. >Spike would probably never relinquish the ‘computer’ if you taught him how to use it
  1427. >That’s not going to happen, because 1: he’d break something (well, MORE of something), 2: he’s liable to stumble across something inappropriate, and 3: he’s grounded
  1428. >It seems as if some ‘pages’ of the ‘internet’ are inaccessible, no matter what you try
  1429. >Sometimes trying to access it twice in a row will give you access, or waiting and trying again later
  1430. >You wanted to study the ‘Wild Western Frontier’ portion of this country’s history so you could understand the movies better, but nearly every ‘page’ of the encyclopedia related to mail service and communication is in a part of the internet that’s broken
  1431. >It’s an annoyance you REALLY don’t need right now
  1432. >Wouldn’t humans have ironed out all the problems with this system already?
  1433. >It seems as if none of your hosts’ computers have any problems
  1434. >Now that the last of your hopes have fallen through, you’ve run out of options
  1435.  
  1436.  
  1437. >No going home
  1438. >Your family, friends, mentor, and all the rest are something you have to imagine with the aid of alphabetical characters and punctuation
  1439. >No going outside
  1440. >Jake is adamant that it wouldn’t go well, his parents share his opinion to an extent, and using a spell to disguise yourself wouldn’t be reliable enough to prevent your discovery
  1441. >Nothing
  1442. >Nothing except fixing this darned pile of ponyfeathers called the ‘Canterlot Computer’
  1443. >The carrot of the ‘internet,’ flawed as it is, dangles before you
  1444. >You’re restrained from it by your commitment to share this gift with others and your incompetence in attempting to do so
  1445. >This is a bad dream
  1446. >It has to be
  1447. >The symbolism, the similarities to the waking world, the constant fear
  1448. >It’s all there
  1449. >This has to be a bad dream
  1450. >What other possibility is there?
  1451. >There is no explanation for how you alone could travel to an alternate universe, even if it does prove several philosophical and metaphysical arguments
  1452. >That could be the manifestation of your biases, but it shouldn’t be possible
  1453. >This is Equestria
  1454. >You’re already home
  1455. >The star charts and geography prove it
  1456. >Why?
  1457. >Why would a nightmare be so depressing and ironic?
  1458. >Is this mental self-torture?
  1459.  
  1460.  
  1461. >“That looks like a normal resistance even if they applied the insulation wrong. I’m stumped again. Are you having any luck, Twilight?”
  1462. “Huh?”
  1463. >Jon puts down the sheets he was holding to look at you directly
  1464. >You’re a little bit embarrassed to have spaced out again
  1465. “Sorry, Jon. I can’t even think of what lead we should pursue next.”
  1466. >“You seem like you’ve been having trouble thinking at all.”
  1467. “I’m fine. Just a little preoccupied and worried.”
  1468. >Jon’s bifocals function more like trifocals; there are reading lenses, distance lenses, and ‘looking over the frame to show concern and disbelief simultaneously’
  1469. >The third lens of his bifocals is in full effect
  1470. >He knows you’re lying, but he continues with business
  1471. >“What haven’t we gone over yet?”
  1472. “Uh... do you actually want to see the list, or was that a rhetorical?”
  1473. >“Rhetorical.”
  1474. “Right. I think Spike might be laying on top of it, anyway.”
  1475. >“I think that we should
  1476.  
  1477.  
  1478. >Any simple question you ask is likely to have an unpleasant answer or no answer at all, but the complex ones are crystal clear
  1479. >The constant failure
  1480. >All these things that are simply wrong, but you can’t do anything about them
  1481. >Death, all around you, in a multitude of forms
  1482. >It’s all a dream
  1483. >There has to be a way to wake up, or at least contact Luna
  1484. >You considered the possibility that she’s in your dream already, but in Equestria
  1485. >Writing to her seems like the logical thing to do if you know this is a dream
  1486. >The only problem is that it’s so vivid
  1487. >If you wrote to her and asked if this is a dream, but you were wrong, then what?
  1488. >So you’re stuck waiting from a sign from Luna
  1489. >Luna might not be able to communicate with you directly if a comatose state is too different from normal dreams
  1490. >She might only be able to drop hints, like one of the pieces of music in the list being titled ‘Moonlight Sonata’ as a way of showing that she has some influence over your coma dream
  1491. >There aren’t many resources to consult on the topic of her dreamwalking abilities, so you can’t be sure
  1492. >Likewise, any resources you consult now might just contain your presumptions from when you were awake
  1493. >It could also be the case that you have a faint awareness of the events occurring around you in reality
  1494. >“Then again, they said they’re keeping the computer fastidiously… Twilight, you’ve got that stare again.”
  1495.  
  1496.  
  1497. >The strange frequency of opium, opiates, and other drugs being mentioned could be because you’re overhearing the ponies around you discussing your treatment
  1498. >That’s more than slightly alarming, because the advertisement shown on the ‘television’ during intermissions sometimes try to sell medicine for prostate conditions
  1499. >If you were to wake up to discover you’ve somehow grown a prostate and prostate-related organs, you might faint and need to be resuscitated all over again
  1500. >And then when you woke up for good, you’d still have to come to terms with a body that’s not entirely your own
  1501. >What if that’s what happened?
  1502. >What if you somehow teleported into another pony, and this is your brain merging with theirs?
  1503. >Have you made yourself into a freak, ruining another’s life in the process?
  1504. >Is that possible?
  1505. >For that matter, who could you be merging with?
  1506. >Who in Ponyville would think about war and conflict so frequently?
  1507. >What if-
  1508. >Oh Celestia, no…
  1509. >What if your brother was coming to Golden Oaks Library on a surprise visit, but he was somehow in the same spot as the one you tried to occupy, and you’re living out a representation of both of your minds combined?!
  1510. >…actually, that wouldn’t explain the humans
  1511. >Nothing does
  1512. >False alarm, hopefully
  1513. >“Hellooooo…?”
  1514.  
  1515.  
  1516. >This might be one of those times when it’s good to be wrong
  1517. >You’re not about to go through probability ratios just to find out that’s even more impossible than a teleportation gone wrong causing head trauma and loss of consciousness
  1518. >While browsing the ‘internet’ to confirm some hypotheses about human/pony neurological similarities, you came across the reason humans stopped using phrenology
  1519. >It was alarmingly recent, considering how speculative and unproven phrenology is, but that’s beside the point
  1520. >There’s this ‘Phineas Gage’ fellow who made history for having a tamping rod driven up through his jaw and out the top of his head in a dynamite drilling accident
  1521. >He survived, but…
  1522. >Well… there’s a silly limerick about him because humans are macabre like that
  1523. >A moral man, Phineas Gage/Tamped dynamite down for his wage/‘Til his special-made probe/Pierced his left frontal lobe/Now he’s vulgar, drunk, and enraged
  1524. >“‘Tom!’ No answer. ‘Tom!’ No answer.”
  1525.  
  1526.  
  1527. >That last line is based mostly on hearsay and could be exaggerated, but all accounts of Phineas after the accident point to a change in personality
  1528. >If you’ve had a brain injury, it could account for both your emotional distress and the violent nature of the dream
  1529. >The emotional distress and violence could be symbolic of your physical pain, in which case the opium had better kick in soon
  1530. >A head injury could explain unreliable magic, both while awake and dreaming
  1531. >No need to panic about that yet
  1532. >“Dah dah dit dah, dit di dit, dit dah di dit, dit di dah dah di dit.”
  1533. >Let’s save panic for when you’ve entirely lost your ability to do magic
  1534. >You don’t want anything to happen to Shining Armor, least of all something that’s your fault, but breaking your horn would be second only to hurting him
  1535. >It would be hard to forgive yourself if you disfigured him like that
  1536. >Especially if you’ve gained his prostate
  1537. >The prostate business is probably just doctors discussing another patient, but what about the dynamite trend that’s popping up?
  1538. >That’s a strike against the idea that you’re hearing things outside of the dream (seriously, what medical treatment involves dynamite?)
  1539. >Though if you were right about the merging hypothesis, it might mean he’s somewhere on Earth too…
  1540. >No, no more hoping for the impossible
  1541. >That's what got you into this mess
  1542. >“Twlight? Jon to Twilight, do you read?”
  1543.  
  1544.  
  1545. >Oh, right!
  1546. >You’re in Jon’s office making no headway with the Canterlot Computer, as usual
  1547. >Almost everything unrelated to its maintenance is out of your schedule
  1548. >If you can’t go home, you’d like to have something other than a failed experiment as your legacy
  1549. >That’s looking more and more unlikely
  1550. >What’s not usual is that Spike is grounded and needs to be under constant supervision, so he’s present as well
  1551. >In body, if not in mind
  1552. >He’s been bored to sleep on some note stacks that have been arranged as an improvised bed
  1553. >You’re becoming much less attentive as well
  1554. >Part of the cause is restraining your temptation to abandon the Canterlot Computer and use the ‘internet’ 16 hours a day, 7 days a week
  1555. >It would be 24 hours a day, but house rules are that it’s off between midnight and dawn
  1556. >The other part is the dread you feel when you ask yourself “Now what can I do?” or “How is this possible?”
  1557. >Now that you’ve heard a question from Jon instead of from yourself, you need to reply
  1558. >Even if you only caught part of the question
  1559. “Wha- Yes, I like reading! It’s one of my favorite pastimes.”
  1560. >That blurted response only gets you more suspicious looks from your host and colleague
  1561. >“Twilight, I could tell you weren’t listening.”
  1562.  
  1563.  
  1564. “No, I was listening! Really!”
  1565. >If this was poker, you’d be getting called with a hoof of… of…
  1566. >Whatever is a bad hoof to be dealt in poker
  1567. >There’s a reason you never play that game
  1568. >“You didn’t bat an eyelid as I was quoting literature and speaking in Morse code. There’s no way you were listening.”
  1569. “Code?”
  1570. >“I’ll explain after we finish for the day. What’s on your mind?”
  1571. “Nothing. I came up with something silly to worry about, then realized it didn’t make sense once I thought about it. I’m fine now!”
  1572. >“You’re not fine, so don’t pretend these lapses aren’t cause for concern. Nobody is going to be able to help you if you don’t
  1573. >This has been happening ever since you got the letter
  1574. >Whenever you’re unoccupied or in a one-way conversation without a turn to speak, your mind wanders, speculates and worries
  1575. >Celestia said she would do everything she could to bring you home
  1576. >If it involves her death, it’s not worth it
  1577. >Still, you need something to hang on to
  1578. >“Twilight? Oh, for Christ’s sake…”
  1579.  
  1580.  
  1581. >Some shred of hope you can cling to so you can keep yourself going
  1582. >Going home soon was the optimistic delusion: now going home EVER is the optimistic delusion
  1583. >Thinking this is all a dream isn’t delusional
  1584. >That’s the likeliest explanation for all this
  1585. >Going home could be a metaphor for waking up
  1586. >“Listen to me!”
  1587. “AAHHH!”
  1588. >But that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t treat this like it isn’t real
  1589. >Not until you confirm it somehow
  1590. >Jon surprised you and caused you to stumble into a pile of scrap papers covered in equations, Griffonic seafood recipies, and creative profanities born of frustration
  1591. >That certainly felt real
  1592. >Pegasi never mention how much wings dig into their sides when they fall on them, and you have no idea why
  1593. >You groan and get back onto your hooves again, bruised by your new and not necessarily useful limbs
  1594. “I… wow. I'm sorry. I need a break.”
  1595. >“Take as long as you need.”
  1596. >The door to the kitchen is pulled open by your magic
  1597. >You trot through it thinking of how they’re sincerely concerned about you
  1598. >So is Spike, as he sat up to see what the commotion was before deciding he didn’t need to do anything and laying back down
  1599.  
  1600.  
  1601. >He’s obviously upset about the punishment, but he’s taking it like a champ
  1602. >Not a very talkative champ, but he’s not griping or trying to avoid his punishment
  1603. >This all started when Jake came home from that event he was attending on Saturday night
  1604. >You watched some of it, but you didn’t catch the part where Jake seemed to figure out that his ‘cell phone’ had been used by Spike
  1605. >It wasn’t something you could stand to watch much of
  1606. >Seeing him with his friends reminded you too much of how you’re separated from yours
  1607. >But when Jake got back late that night, he was quite upset
  1608. >Naturally, you were upset that Spike let his instinctive side run loose like that
  1609. >Not as upset as Jake, but having just obtained access to what amounts to a collective consciousness meant you weren’t about to let Spike get away with something that could jeopardize its availability to you
  1610. >There were two possible outcomes to your discovery that were laid out for you and Spike on the morning that Spike confessed
  1611.  
  1612.  
  1613. >If you were discovered by the public and garnered media attention, the attention would only increase and increase to the point where every thing you do would be seen and scrutinized by billions of humans
  1614. >Then you might also have to deal with the political responsibility of being the sole representative of an entire planet
  1615. >That’s the sort of position that nothing can prepare somep0ny for
  1616. >One poorly worded sentence could lead to disaster
  1617. >Spike would have his workload go from idleness to his physical limits in the span of days
  1618. >And if humans manage to finagle a dark magic-fueled portal between worlds out of you or some magicians back home…
  1619. >No, you don’t want to think about that
  1620. >It’s not like they could get enough skilled magicians who would be willing to commit mental suicide, right?
  1621. >In summary, it would be bad for stress and possibly bad for productivity, but you still might be able to get something done
  1622. >Perhaps you would even get better supplies and equipment
  1623. >Or perhaps one crazy human would decide that you’re better off dead
  1624. >You’re essentially a little green space alien to humans, and humans have something against little green space aliens
  1625. >They’ve been blamed for a spate of abductions, though whether they actually exist is debatable
  1626.  
  1627.  
  1628. >The other outcome is that you’re discovered by an organization or person that can keep you hidden against your will
  1629. >At that point, your life would be out of your control and up to… someone
  1630. >Jake believes that the worst case scenario is that this someone might use you for selfish purposes and possibly separate you from Spike
  1631. >He tried to break this to you gently (read: over a bowl of ice cream), but he made a promise to be honest
  1632. >When you asked if there was a possibility of that someone deciding to kill you, he told you to look up the sorts of things that humans believe are done to captured space aliens
  1633. >There’s a decent chance it would end in dissection or vivisection
  1634. >You relayed this to Celestia, and she said she wants you to delay your discovery by anyhuman else as long as you can
  1635. >This means you’re stuck with only a few people to interact with, but at least you can work in peace and buy time for the CCU/CSGU and Qilin to find other potential methods of rescuing you
  1636. >There’s just too much risk and uncertainty in interacting with other humans
  1637. >It’s not what you’d like, but this is the situation you’re in
  1638. >It also seems like the males fear you
  1639. >THEY fear YOU
  1640.  
  1641.  
  1642. >How long did you think that was the other way around?
  1643. >They really don’t know what they’re doing to your magic, do they?
  1644. >Jon still sees magic as a mystical and confusing transitional state of energy that’s barely compatible with ‘atomic’ theory (to be fair, it is)
  1645. >Jake doesn’t understand magic, so you’ve been feeding him tidbits to help him understand just enough to feel comfortable
  1646. >This means your experiments with the ‘T. Sparkle Antimagic Field’ can’t be purely magical experimentation
  1647. >You’re also going to have to manipulate your hosts into various states of trust and determine how using magic to fulfill their requests affects its potency
  1648. >This is going to be horribly deceitful and degrading to everyone involved, but this is about magic, and potentially getting home
  1649. >Getting them to trust you and want you gone at the same time is going to be difficult
  1650. >Doubly so if they find your magic too useful to give up
  1651. >Maybe the Elements of Harmony could be used?
  1652. >Those have enough of Celestia’s and Luna’s stored magic to accomplish almost anything, but they only work in very specific circumstances…
  1653. >The sound of footsteps in the hallway snaps you out of your reflective pause
  1654. >You find yourself sitting in the center of the kitchen floor, but you don’t remember when you sat down
  1655. >By process of elimination, you know it’s Jake before you see him
  1656.  
  1657.  
  1658. >There’s something about him that started recently
  1659. >Whenever you’re around him, you get the sensation that there’s someone staring at you
  1660. >It might be the fabled yet unproven ‘gut instincts’ that came with the earth pony portion of your alicorn package or guilt for your own spying, but there’s no way to tell
  1661. >You try to make it seem like you meant to pause in the kitchen by quickly getting a cup out of the cupboard and filling it in the sink
  1662. >Meanwhile, Jake idly passes you, paying you no mind
  1663. >You notice that he’s wearing rather ragged pants and old-looking shoes right now
  1664. >He hits the power button on the ‘radio’ as he strides towards the ‘refrigerator’
  1665. >It’s playing the top of the hour news
  1666. >You take a gulp of water and listen
  1667. >There was a broad daylight ‘religiously motivated’ murder in the United Kingdom that took five times longer than average for police to respond to
  1668. >A tornado hit the US state of Oklahoma on Monday, destroying several towns
  1669. >The Marathon Bombing is being connected to a triple murder that occurred several years ago in a neighborhood only a few miles away, though the suspect in that murder was shot by police during questioning after he allegedly attacked his captors
  1670. >All the sorts of things you’d never hear about in Equestria
  1671. >The last thing you need is a reminder of what kind of world you’re stuck in
  1672. >Your voice unintentionally tremors as you ask a favor of your hosts
  1673. “W-would you please turn that off?”
  1674.  
  1675.  
  1676. >“Hmm? Oh, my bad. I wasn’t thinking.”
  1677. “That sounds nice.”
  1678. >Jake stops rummaging through the appliance and shuts off the ‘radio’
  1679. >“What does?
  1680. “Not thinking. I’m starting to wonder if I think too much.”
  1681. >“Is that possible?”
  1682. “I think it is.”
  1683. >You bring the cup to your lips and down the rest in a single gulp
  1684. >Jake doesn’t take the opportunity to speak as you drink
  1685. >Probably because he realized the absurdity of your statement before you did
  1686. “Heh, there I go again. I can’t stop myself.”
  1687. >He kneels down to your level
  1688. >“What are you thinking about? The news?”
  1689. >Amongst other things
  1690. “Yeah. It’s just too jarring. I mean, really? Loose tornadoes? How far do you have to let weather control go for that to happen?”
  1691. >“If you’re worried that we’re going to be hit by one, don’t. We rarely even get tropical storms here.”
  1692. “It’s like… I don’t know, what if Ponies didn’t have Celestia or Windigoes or weather control? Would it be like this in Equestria?”
  1693. >“Is Celestia that important?”
  1694. >Did he really just ask that?
  1695. >Seriously?
  1696. >That has to be the most ignorant-
  1697. >Duh, of course it’s a stupid question
  1698. >You didn’t remember to get him a history book
  1699. >“Your facial expression says yes.”
  1700. >It’s not a pleasant face you’re making, but it could be interpreted that way
  1701. >At least now you have something other than your situation to think about, even though frustration is barely a step above sadness
  1702.  
  1703.  
  1704. “Thank you for reminding me that I haven’t got that history book for you.”
  1705. >“You’re welcome, I guess.”
  1706. “I’m going to forgive you for asking an ignorant question on the grounds of ignorance. ‘Is Celestia that important’ is on par with ‘what are internets?’”
  1707. >“…Okay, educate me.”
  1708. >This is something you’re more than willing to do
  1709. “She’s the keystone to society and practically queen of the world! You could call the entire planet Equestria and still be technically correct, though not politically correct. FURTHERMORE, she is the role model for every living being. Smart, strong, moral… she’s the definition of grace and perfection.”
  1710. >“So she’s an immortal god-empress?”
  1711. >Try not to find that offensive
  1712. >Jake’s probably comparing her to things he already knows
  1713. “She’s not a ‘god,’ Equestria is not an empire, and she’s not immortal. That last one is a common misconception; it just seems like that because she’s powerful enough to use age spells frequently. One more thing: I’m not going to let you compare her to any human dictators because she’s held office since the foundation of Equestria. Unlike what I’ve read about North Korea, she’s legitimately as good as everyp0ny says she is.”
  1714.  
  1715.  
  1716. >Unlike humans
  1717. >Which you’re stuck with for the foreseeable future
  1718. “…And now I’m thinking about how I’ll never live under her again.”
  1719. >You lower your head and mope, levitating the cup into the sink as you do
  1720. “This is it. This is where I’ll live the rest of my life.”
  1721. >Jake reaches out to put a hand on you
  1722. >NO
  1723. >For all you know, extended physical contact with a human could drain magic from you, and you’re not about to do that experiment
  1724. >You immediately push his arm away with a forehoof
  1725. >Trying to sound forceful comes out choked and weak
  1726. “Please, don’t touch me.”
  1727. >Minutes pass
  1728. >Neither Jake nor you move
  1729. >Eventually, you raise your head again and speak in a constricted voice
  1730. “Look at Spike. He was happy because he didn’t care about anything. I’m miserable because I pay attention. It’s not even the sort of morbid fascination that makes crowds form around accidents. I just can’t stop looking. I can’t stop seeing all these problems without solutions and questions without answers. I don’t know how my magic isn’t working like it should. This mark appeared on my flank because I’m supposed to do magic, and I can’t do what it tells me to do. I’ve never felt more powerless in my entire life. I can’t fulfill my purpose.”
  1731. >There’s a lump in your throat
  1732.  
  1733.  
  1734. >You notice a warm, wet sensation coming down your left cheek as you swallow the tightness
  1735. “I’m going to die here. Even if I see it coming, there will be nothing I can do to stop it. I can’t rely on my magic to save me. This must be what it feels like to fall to one’s death.”
  1736. >“There are things to be happy about.”
  1737. “Not enough of them. It’s a ratio. It all comes down to numbers. I can’t ignore all the bad things if I want to be happy. I’d be missing so much that I couldn’t understand anything, and then I wouldn’t be happy because I don’t understand what’s going on. I can’t even voice my concerns because it would make you mad at me.”
  1738. >“I wouldn’t be mad if you’re not talking to me like I’m personally to blame.”
  1739. “Y-you wouldn’t?”
  1740. >“I wouldn’t.”
  1741. >You can feel your throat loosening up again
  1742. “You really mean that?”
  1743. >“No one can improve without listening to critics. Look at China, or DeviantArt artists. They’re terrible because they can’t handle anything except praise. You have a unique perspective. I want to hear it.”
  1744. “Deviant… art?”
  1745. >He stiffens slightly in surprise
  1746. >Maybe this is something you should look into if he’s surprised you haven’t heard of it
  1747. >“It’s an art website where most of the artists have no talent or original art. It’s not very important. Just… I don’t know, don’t think of your curiosity as a burden. Spike isn’t miserable is because he’s kind of dumb.”
  1748. >Spike breaks his unspoken vow not to speak so he can reply without leaving his makeshift paper bed
  1749.  
  1750.  
  1751. >“I WAS LISTENING, YOU KNOW.”
  1752. >Jake looks over his shoulder to defend his point without leaving the kitchen
  1753. >“LAVA LEVEL. ALSO, MY PHONE.”
  1754. >Someone shuts the office door shortly after Jake’s retort is complete
  1755. >Confident he’s won an argument about nothing important, he returns his attention to you
  1756. >“What I’m trying to…”
  1757. >Whatever he was going to say, he stopped saying it
  1758. >He stops looking at you and glares down the hallway, narrowing his eyes in suspicion and slowly standing to his full height
  1759. >“That box wasn’t there a moment ago.”
  1760. “What box?”
  1761. >You wipe your tears and rotate on the spot to follow his gaze
  1762. >There’s a large, sealed cardboard box in front of the basement door labeled ‘Emergency care package’
  1763. >You estimate it to be roughly one cubic meter in volume
  1764. >There’s a high pitched noise coming from within
  1765. >Is… is that a voice?
  1766. >It sounds like something or someone is inside the box
  1767. >Whatever it is, it’s speaking again
  1768. >“I said ‘Is it working yet?’”
  1769. >Jake and you stare in amazement and confusion
  1770.  
  1771.  
  1772. >There’s definitely a female voice coming from the box
  1773. >It speaks again, its tone a mix of excitement and frustration
  1774. >“How could I tell? I’m in a box!”
  1775. >There’s something familiar about that voice
  1776. >It’s difficult to be certain through the muffling of the cardboard, but you know that you know this voice
  1777. >“Yes, the box WAS absolutely necessary! It’s symbolic of- oh. Oh, it IS working? Well why didn’t you say so?”
  1778. >You recognize the voice now, but that can’t be right
  1779. >How is she here?
  1780. >Is that even worth asking?
  1781.  
  1782.  
  1783. “Pinkie?!”
  1784. >Without warning, the container’s top cracks open in a cascade of confetti and corrugated cardboard
  1785. >“SURPRIIIISE!”
  1786. >Nonchalant in the face of impossibility, Pinkie rears up to lean on the edge of the box and allows a sly smile to creep across her face
  1787. >“Or it woulda been, but you guessed it. Somep0ny here order a box full of smiles?”
  1788. >You’re locking eyes with one of your best friends
  1789. >Who is on Earth
  1790. >With you
  1791. >Or at least you were until she decided to look at everything except you
  1792. >“Ooh~… it all looks so real!”
  1793. >Jake is turning to go outside while quietly ranting to whoever is listening
  1794. >“Nope. Nope. This is ridiculous. I refuse to accept that the people trying to bring you back are this stupid. They did not just give us another one after they told us they can’t bring them back. Just... no. Fuck everything.”
  1795. >Pinkie calls out to him, stopping him as he’s halfway to the exterior door
  1796. >“Wait! You! Pasta-pockets human guy! You’re Jake, right?”
  1797.  
  1798.  
  1799. >He’s clearly not in the mood to consider taking in another p0ny, let alone speak with one that called him “pasta pockets”
  1800. >“I am. If you’re not back in Equestria by-”
  1801. >“Have you ever played ‘Monopoly?’”
  1802. >“Yes, what’s it to you?”
  1803. >“Twi drew a ‘go to jail’ card, but I’m just visiting. You’ve got nothing to worry about, Mister Jakey wakey eggs and bakey.”
  1804. >This relaxes him, but not by much
  1805. >“If you’re lying, I swear to whichever god will believe this is happening…”
  1806. >“Cross my heart and- oop! Hold on!”
  1807. >Pinkie begins spasming inside the box, then says the name of several body parts as the movement focuses on each one
  1808. >“Wiggly eyebrow… scrunchy nose… tappy hoof… itchy forehead…”
  1809. >Just as quickly as it began, the random movements stop
  1810. >“That was strange. I’ve never had that combo before.”
  1811. “What did it mean?”
  1812. >Pinkie raises a forehoof to her chin in contemplation
  1813. >“Hmm… I think I’ve had itchy nose when it’s about these vanara people, but never scrunchy… Ooh! Ooh! I know! A human needs to cut the grass to make something important happen! Jake, where were you about to go?”
  1814. >“I was headed out to mow the lawn and get away from the crazy pink box-p0ny.”
  1815. >Pinkie does a little hoof-pump in celebration of another accurate Pinkie Sense combo
  1816.  
  1817.  
  1818. >Jake continues on his way out, stopping by the office door
  1819. >He pushes it open and walks inside
  1820. >Not long afterward, he walks back out of the office and out the exterior door
  1821. >As he exits, Jon and Spike walk into the kitchen to get a view down the hall
  1822. >Jon is dumbstruck as Pinkie waves to him
  1823. >“Nice to meet you, Jon! My name is Pinkie! Markus says hi, and he’s wondering if you’ve tried any of his salmon recipes.”
  1824. >Spike starts running towards Pinkie and shoves past you
  1825. >He makes a running jump at her, joyfully shouting her name
  1826. >It’s a clear attempt at a tackle which transitions into a hug
  1827. >Instead of bracing herself, Pinkie rears back in the box and desperately tries to wave him off
  1828. >Ignoring or not noticing the gesture, Spike jumps to wrap himself around her neck
  1829. >It’s at this point that you notice how light seems to be striking her in a very unnatural way
  1830. >He’s still saying her name as he sails straight through her and the box, leaving both unscathed
  1831. >The tone of his voice shifts to surprise and panic a split second before he collides with the door behind her and comes to rest face down
  1832. >Pinkie cringes with the sound of the impact, then turns to assess the damage
  1833. >“Ooch. Probably should have told you that I was talking to all the magic guys doing this projection thing when I was saying how real this looked. Are you okay, Spike?”
  1834. >Projection?
  1835. >That would explain the lighting
  1836.  
  1837.  
  1838. >Spike doesn’t make a motion to get up, instead speaking into the floor
  1839. >“I’m fine, just disappointed.”
  1840. >“I know you can take a hit like that. I mean are you OKAY okay?”
  1841. >He turns himself over to be face the non-solid p0ny he just tried to hug-tackle
  1842. >“I’m grounded, but I’m not about to argue about why. I messed up. I’ll take the punishment.”
  1843. >“Sorry to hear that. You just keep on troopin’ and everything will turn out right in the end.”
  1844. >It must be some sort of spell that transposes light and sound from a small area to make a non-solid representation of objects
  1845. >It’s probably two-way if Pinkie can see and hear what’s happening (though this is Pinkie we’re talking about, so one-way isn’t out of the question)
  1846. >Either way, it begs the question of how a projection spell could go from one universe to another
  1847. >Pinkie turns back to you
  1848. >“That goes double for you, Twi! Okeydoke, on with the message.”
  1849. >She busts down the front of the box and begins bouncing toward you with a massive smile on her face
  1850. >Her hooves are making a stony sound despite the wooden floor
  1851. >“Reallyreallyreally good news! Miss Shénmì Cítiě found out that focus point 198308 using the Qi pattern control method and second revision Clover’s mental image techniques are more efficient than casting with her normal mental image techniques! I don’t know what it means, but the qilin and unicorns who are trying to bring you home think it’s exciting, so I’m excited too!”
  1852.  
  1853.  
  1854. >As Pinkie finishes speaking, she stops in front of you
  1855. >However, she doesn’t stop bouncing
  1856. >Spike times his movement to walk under her as she bounces
  1857. >He gets into the kitchen and shepherds Jon back to the office
  1858. >Jon cooperates for the most part, but he comes back to watch after a few seconds
  1859. >198308…
  1860. >That can’t be right
  1861. >That focus point’s only used for alterative spells
  1862. >Pinkie looks off towards something you can’t see, then back to you
  1863. >“My bad, it’s 081938 which is exciting. 198308 is probably boring. Do you know what that means?”
  1864. >081938 is for gravity-based spells…
  1865. > Shenmi was mentioned in a text about alternative telekinetic and teleportation techniques
  1866. >There was a footnote about how her life’s ambition was to create stable, self-sustaining portals between all of her home country’s provinces
  1867. >If she’s the one in charge of this casting…
  1868. >OH MY GOSH
  1869. >It means there’s actually a very slim chance you can go home without resorting to mind-destroying magic!
  1870. >YESYESYESYESYES
  1871. “They’ve got a portal between universes?! How did they get it large enough to use? When can I go through it?”
  1872.  
  1873.  
  1874. >Pinkie briefly stops bouncing and smiling
  1875. >“Yes, they didn’t yet, and five to twenty years from now unless you’ve got super aim with your teleport spells. Sorry, but it’s an itsy-bitsy teeny-weeny-yellow-polka-dot-bikini of a portal that’s just large enough to get this projecto-spell through. We can probably maybe use it once every couple of months.”
  1876. >Well dangit
  1877. >You should have learned not to get your hopes up for anything by now
  1878. >Pinkie is expecting you to respond with more than a disappointed half-smile, so you nervously say the first thing that comes to mind
  1879. “…It’s better than nothing!”
  1880. >The bouncing resumes
  1881. >“Yay, better than nothing! Not so yay for Miss Shénmì. She can’t keep these spells up for more than ten minutes, so we should hurry. It looks like she’s getting tired.”
  1882. >Pinkie looks away from you to speak to another person you can’t see
  1883. >“Markus? Markus, skulle du ta med en kopp vatten för henne?...Tack så mycket!”
  1884. >That’s odd
  1885. >You don’t recall Pinkie being multilingual
  1886. >Perhaps she learned some when she found out this is a chance to make friends from all over the world?
  1887. “I didn’t know you spoke Nordnabb!”
  1888. >This gets her attention again
  1889. >“I just learned it last week. Borrowed some of your books to do it… I think I might have left them in Sugarcube Corner. You’re not going to charge me if they’re overdue, right?”
  1890. “Between friends? I couldn’t. It’s a simple mistake.”
  1891.  
  1892.  
  1893. >“Thanks, Twi! I knew you’d understand. We really ought to keep going, though. Miss Shénmì is looking a bit tired.”
  1894. “Your Jitinese pronunciation is really good, too…”
  1895. >“Having been called Pank Ponk, Ponka Poe, Pinka-dinka-doo, and everything in between, I know what it feels like to have someone mispronounce my name. That’s why I make a point of knowing exactly how to say all of my friends’ names right. Especially the new ones, like Miss Shénmì.”
  1896. >Pretty sure she actually hasn’t been called anything like that, but Pinkie will be Pinkie
  1897. “Stupid question, but is Shenmi the only one casting right now?”
  1898. >“Nope. This is the entire rescue operation and about seven thousand volunteer ponies off the street!”
  1899. “…Darn. Well, thanks for giving me hope again, Pinkie.”
  1900. >“It would’ve been Celestia giving the news, but I volunteered because I knew that last update from the rescue people would make you a gloomy Gus.”
  1901. “Pinkie, if I could hug you right now…”
  1902. >The bouncing stops again
  1903. >“Well, you could put your wings around me. That’s huggish, right?”
  1904. “I suppose so. C’mere.”
  1905. >You raise your wings forward and walk toward her projection
  1906. >She nuzzles up to you as best as she can, reciprocating the gesture
  1907. >It feels awkward because there’s not actually something to press against, but you lean into her image and try to nuzzle the space where she would be
  1908. >She speaks to you softly
  1909. >“Hey, Twilight?”
  1910. “Yeah?”
  1911. >“We’re all rooting for you. You’re doing great things.”
  1912.  
  1913.  
  1914. >You hug in silence
  1915. >This is a moment you want to last forever, but you know Pinkie could disappear seconds from now
  1916. >Pinkie breaks the silence
  1917. >“Raise your wings a bit. I need to talk to you about something personal.”
  1918. “What about the casters?”
  1919. >“We have a minute or so left. The closer ones are extra focused on this spell, so don’t worry about them listening in.”
  1920. >Your wings encircle her head and yours
  1921. >As soon as you’re both concealed, Pinkie begins to speak in an uncharacteristically serious whisper
  1922. >“Listen closely. Do not panic. I am working with your friends. I am not Pinkie Pie: she had me come in her stead, and she will arrive to discreetly switch with me on Friday. I met her when I participated in the attempted invasion of Canterlot during your brother’s wedding, and I have been in correspondence with her ever since.”
  1923. >You back away slightly, but keep your wings up as a privacy screen for the two of you
  1924. >This isn’t actually Pinkie?
  1925. >Participated in the invasion of-
  1926.  
  1927.  
  1928. >Wait a second, are your friends actually working with this thing?!
  1929. “You mean-”
  1930. >“I feed these fools horseapples, do not feed them a normal apple to show them I am false!”
  1931. >The impostor’s eyes flash back to their true form just long enough for you to perceive the change
  1932. >“I am a Changeling, but that does not matter! Your friends who are still in Ponyville need me to contact you. Have you been receiving the messages in the letters from them?”
  1933. >You’d figured something bad was happening, but not what
  1934. >If this Changeling isn’t deceiving you, whatever it is must be bad enough for your friends to trust it
  1935. >You whisper urgently with a test of its truthiness
  1936. “How can I trust you? Tell me one of the messages first.”
  1937. >“They instructed me to tell you that their first letter to you contained the message ‘you are getting used.’ Have you received this message?”
  1938. >It seems like it has knowledge that only Applejack, Fluttershy, real Pinkie Pie, Rainbow Dash, and Rarity would have
  1939. “Yes, but they didn’t say who or what was using me, or whether they meant I was getting used to something. If they’re warning me of something, I haven’t pieced it together yet.”
  1940. >“I was not told either. Did you receive the message that you are not the first p0ny ever to come to Earth?”
  1941. “Yes. It was in Pinkie’s reply to my question about Jake. How do they know this?”
  1942.  
  1943.  
  1944. >“I am unsure. Do you know who the first one to come to Earth was?”
  1945. “No.”
  1946. >“Unfortunate. I was not told, so I cannot tell you. Any letters that have reached you are likely being allowed to reach you intentionally. Your friends admit that they don’t know any sophisticated methods of hiding messages in their letters.”
  1947. >Something between your friends and the spells to send you letters is interfering with whatever warning you’re supposed to receive
  1948. >A bit of studying from ‘Ciphers, Codes, and Covert Communication’ might help
  1949. “What about the book on shelf 15.4, third to the right?”
  1950. >“They tried reading it, as did I. None earned their cutie marks in cryptography. This is irrelevant, and I must hurry before the casters tire.”
  1951. >You nod for it to continue
  1952. “I was told no details. I was only told that they have discovered something which may ruin Changeling hives’ food supply for many hatching cycles to come. Your friends believe that there may be a serious threat to the foundations of civilization as we know it, but have yet to identify this threat. Your friends also believe they are responsible for unwittingly sending you to Earth in this time of need. That is all. You may ask questions freely.”
  1953. >Good, they kept this drone uninfo-
  1954. >Wait, WHAT?!
  1955. >You can barely keep yourself to a whisper
  1956. “A threat to the foundations of civilization? I’m here because of them?!”
  1957.  
  1958.  
  1959. >“This is what I was told. You do not need to trust me, but I beg you to do so. Your next letter will confirm that I am truthful.”
  1960. “I should hope so! This isn’t the sort of thing to throw into a conversation as a prank, least of all now!”
  1961. >“My kind is not known for their sense of humor. I was following the script given to me. Pinkie trained me personally in her mannerisms for this task, and requested that I perform a specific ‘combo’ in the presence of a human.”
  1962. >Okay, so if this drone is a “friend” of Pinkie’s, how can it be trusted if it’s still going around leeching love?
  1963. “Just a quick background check, but what are you feeding on?”
  1964. >“Pinkie has many friends, of which I am one. Friendship is not as nutritious as love and tastes dreadfully bland, but it’s enough to survive by in desperate conditions.”
  1965. >This sounds plausible enough, but you’re suspicious of another hole in this Changeling’s story
  1966. “How did you get into Canterlot undetected?”
  1967. >“The security is of comparable porosity to my legs. Your brother’s lieutenants are uncoordinated without him.”
  1968. “Are you acting independently from your hive?”
  1969. >“I do nothing without the queen's permission.”
  1970. >It could have just said “yes,” but it HAD to get all sinister and foreboding
  1971.  
  1972.  
  1973. >If your friends truly did trust a Changeling knowing full well that it would report all that it’s told to every member of its hive, this had better be as world-shattering as you’re being led to believe
  1974. >“I have one question for you. Markus is friends with a human, correct?”
  1975. “I believe so.”
  1976. >“Human friendship tastes quite strange. Now, we must make an excuse to have spoken so secretively. The most effective lies contain the truth, so you should tell me something you’d consider to be a secret.”
  1977. >Now may be as good a time as any to start preparing the biologists for the big doozy
  1978. “If anyone asks, we were talking about why I haven’t sent the vanara haven’t been sent tissue samples yet.”
  1979. >“Aside from their constant annoyance to everyone and their swinging from the sides of buildings like maniacs?”
  1980. “Aside from that entirely. Humans have a biological trait that I consider to be a very controversial discovery.”
  1981. >“That may explain the taste. What is this trait?”
  1982. >You lower your wings and speak normally
  1983. “Nuh uh. I’ve been looking at it for months, and I still can’t believe it. I’d be the laughingstock of the scientific community if I told anyone.”
  1984.  
  1985.  
  1986. >The Changeling returns to perfect mimicry of Pinkie’s tone and mannerisms without missing a beat
  1987. >“Pleeeeease? Mister Gupta’s getting impatient and now I’m curious too!”
  1988. “I’m not giving them a sample unless Shining Armor is back on duty in Canterlot. This is more riot-worthy than finding out that humans don’t have any magical aspects to their society.”
  1989. >There’s a spark of rage behind an otherwise perfect puppydog-like Pinkie pout, unnoticeable to all except somep0ny looking directly into the eyes of the impostor
  1990. >The Changeling implicitly confirmed that it’s not acting alone
  1991. >Where there’s one hidden Changeling, there are a dozen others
  1992. >Saying exactly how to prevent others from infiltrating the scientific capital of the world was the biggest mistake it could possibly make
  1993. >Well played, shapeshifter; there’s nothing to blame for this checkmate except the dull mind of a drone
  1994. “Would you please make sure an apology gets to my brother as well? I know he was expecting to come down, visit our parents, and then go straight back to the Crystal Empire.”
  1995. >The disguised drone snaps a salute, betraying none of its failures with its tone or body language
  1996. >“Ma’am, yes ma’am!”
  1997. “You don’t need to salute anyp0ny, even if I’m a princess n-”
  1998. >The drone gasps and points to something behind you as you hear the exterior door open and shut
  1999.  
  2000.  
  2001. >Glancing towards the direction indicated, you see Eliza standing just as dumbstruck as her husband was
  2002. >It seems as if Jon left while you were speaking
  2003. >The false Pinkie bounces a couple of times and speaks in singsong
  2004. >“Hello, Miss Gottschalk!~”
  2005. >Eliza hears her own name and slowly gathers her wits for a reply
  2006. >“…I don’t think I’ve seen you before.”
  2007. >“You haven’t. I think. I don’t know. All this inter-universe stuff is confusing! Or at least twice as confusing as it usually is, because now I’m keeping track of-”
  2008. >“You’re not staying here, are you? Did you come to take Twilight home?”
  2009. >“Huh? No nononono. I’m going to be gone in a second. I’m not even here to begin with!”
  2010. >A pink hoof approaches your head at alarming velocity
  2011. >You flinch, but stay mostly still as it passes through you and wiggles around
  2012. >“See? It’s sort of a ‘help me Canterlot Court Unicorns, CSGU, and Xuéxiào Qílín de Tèshū Nénglì, you’re my only hope’ kind of situation. We’ll have a way to get Twilight home in two decades at most.”
  2013.  
  2014.  
  2015. >Eliza scolds the false Pinkie as it withdraws its hoof from your head
  2016. >“Don’t scare me like that! It looked like you hurt her!”
  2017. >“Sorry, but there really is only one way to demonstrate. Jon saw Spike go through me earlier, and Jake thought I was ACTUALLY here but left before I could-”
  2018. >The image of Pinkie and her box begins to flicker
  2019. >Impostor Pinkie looks in one of the directions she looked earlier while addressing someone you couldn’t see, simultaneously surprised and concerned with whoever it is looking at
  2020. >“Uh oh, we took too long! Someone get Miss Shénmì a bed, now!”
  2021. >The fake Pinkie makes hoof swipes across its own neck
  2022. >“Stop the spell! Stop the spe-”
  2023. >And then it’s gone
  2024. >Here’s to hoping it wasn’t lying about a way you can get home
  2025. >And also hoping Ms. Shenmi didn’t hurt herself
  2026. >The magical drain should’ve only been enough to knock her out, but she might have hit her head when she collapsed
  2027. >You’re stuck staring at the spot that the projection spell occupied
  2028. >This conversation ran the gamut of emotions, and you’re not sure which emotion to take from it
  2029. >Something bad could happening but you don’t know what
  2030. >You’re not marooned on Earth permanently if Celestia respects your wishes not to resort to dark magic
  2031. >At least you’re out of depression
  2032. >It’s an improvement, maybe
  2033. “So… that was certainly something.”
  2034. >Silence
  2035. >Long, awkward silence
  2036.  
  2037.  
  2038. “At least I’m not stuck here forever.”
  2039. >More awkward silence
  2040. “Umm… Eliza?”
  2041. >“Yes?”
  2042. “Do you have any time we could schedule for lessons on ‘religion?’”
  2043. >“My church doesn’t do summer sermons. We could do it on Sundays.”
  2044. “What about weekdays? I’m under the impression that ‘religion’ is a complicated topic. We might need all the time we can get.”
  2045. >“I can’t do weekdays for a few weeks. North High’s finals are going into June because we had so many snow days.”
  2046. “This place is weird.”
  2047. >“This is New England.”
  2048. “From my perspective, it’s weird. I can’t believe how comfortable humans are with so little under their control.”
  2049. >You finally turn around and begin to walk towards Jon’s office, giving you a good look at Eliza
  2050. >She’s wearing a shirt with a slogan in support of homosexual marriage rights printed across the front and some moderately tight pants, as well as her work backpack
  2051. “Well, back to failing to fix the Canterlot Computer.”
  2052. >“Haven’t you made any progress?”
  2053. >Eliza’s inquiry causes you to halt and take a seat on the floor
  2054. “Oh no, we’re making progress. It’s just very slow.”
  2055. >“You have? It seems like you’ve been working on this for weeks and gotten nothing accomplished.”
  2056. “We’ve been narrowing it down. The list of possible problems keeps getting shorter.”
  2057.  
  2058.  
  2059. >Raising up a forehoof in a reassuring gesture, you begin to list the failed diagnoses you’ve found for the Canterlot Computer’s malady
  2060. “Jon and I have figured out that it’s not stray metal shavings from the conductors, improperly applied insulation, insulation causing overheating (we removed it anyway to be safe), improperly removed insulation, humidity, corrosion, overheating without insulation, power supply issues, ambient magic, spellcasting secondary effects, sabotage, faulty design, improper operation, faulty programming, construction error, accidental discombobulation, communication errors between scientists of different languages, or a bar bet between one of the xiezhi Representatives and Chief Engineer Square Root. Don’t ask about the last one. It’s sort of a weird story.”
  2061. >Eliza raises a hand to her chin in contemplation
  2062. >She’s trying to help?
  2063. >A fresh perspective might help, though you understand she’s more knowledgeable in the field of abstract mathematics as opposed to applied mathematics
  2064. >She lowers her hand and gestures to you as if she’s holding something
  2065. >“But what IS the problem?”
  2066. >Well, she tried
  2067.  
  2068.  
  2069. >You shrug as she removes her backpack to hold it in front of herself
  2070. “Not a clue. There ought to be absolutely nothing wrong with the computer. I’m starting to look forward to the day that we decide this is an unsalvageable project and just scrap the darn thing.”
  2071. >You stand again
  2072. “I need to get back to work while I’m in a good enough mood to be able to concentrate.”
  2073. >“I’ll hold off on your evening smoothie until you finish for today. A loud blender wouldn’t help your mood or concentration, I bet.”
  2074. “Thanks. And hold the grass garnish today. I’d prefer a fruit-only smoothie.”
  2075. >Eliza passes you for the table, you pass her for the office
  2076. >Inside the office, Spike is back on his “bed” and Jon is at his desk
  2077. >You make the triumphant announcement to both of them
  2078. “In case you haven’t heard, we’re going home… in five years.”
  2079. >Spike sits up to break his vow of silence again
  2080. >“Five to twenty years. Set some realistic expectations.”
  2081. >Jon looks up from his notes
  2082. >“Come on, Spike. She’s had enough to deal with over the last week”
  2083. >“Half of that’s because she kept telling herself things she knew were wrong.”
  2084. >Spike may be right, but you don’t want any lip from him right now
  2085. “Well SORRY for trying to find a reason to get up in the morning.”
  2086. >Spike raises his claws up in submission and rolls his eyes as he goes back to napping
  2087.  
  2088.  
  2089. >*BVVVVVVRRRRRRMMM*
  2090. >Being in a mood that lets you concentrate might not matter if Eliza somehow forgot the conversation you just had
  2091. “Ugh, what is that noise?!”
  2092. >Spike turns over and tries to wrap some stray paper around his head
  2093. >“Whatever it is, I’m going to have a hard time sleeping through it.”
  2094. >“Jake’s mowing the lawn.”
  2095. >Jon’s explanation only brings up more questions
  2096. >You end up shouting back and forth just to communicate
  2097. “Does he have to do it with a motorized mower?”
  2098. >“It’s the only one we have! Funny story about that, I *BVVVVVVRRRRRRRRMMM*”
  2099. “What?”
  2100. >“I picked it out of the garbage sixteen years ago and it still runs like a charm!”
  2101. “Does he have to do this now?!”
  2102. >“He probably figured that we usually give up around this time of day, and you wouldn’t know it, but mosquito season is starting up! If he waited much longer, there would be too many…”
  2103. >He stops mid-sentence
  2104. >There’s a look of shock and absolute clarity about him
  2105. “What’s wrong?”
  2106. >“We’re idiots, that’s what *BVVVVVRRRRRRRRMMM* THAT’S WHAT’S WRONG!”
  2107.  
  2108.  
  2109. “WHAT?”
  2110. >“What’s the procedure they use for troubleshooting?”
  2111. “They remove the problem board and lay it out so it can be examined!”
  2112. >“How do they display it?”
  2113. “It’s put up vertically next to a scaffold! We can’t have them stepping on it, right?”
  2114. >“That’s why it always fixes itself! I can’t believe I didn’t think of this sooner!”
  2115. >There’s clearly something you’re missing here
  2116. “I don’t get it! Why would it *BVVVVRRRRRRMMM* Why would it fix itself?”
  2117. >“What season is it?”
  2118. “Weird thing about that: I think Earth might lag a month behind on its seasonal progression!”
  2119. >“So it’s already summer?”
  2120. “Yes! What are you getting at?”
  2121. >“We kept calling the short circuit a malf*BVVVRRRRRMM* Malfunction!”
  2122. >The sound of the lawnmower is getting progressively further away, thank Celestia
  2123. >Jon’s speech comes down from a shout to simply speaking louder than usual
  2124. >“They usually keep the windows open for ventilation, right?”
  2125. “Yes.”
  2126. >“I think I know exactly what’s wrong!”
  2127. “What is it?”
  2128. >*BVVRRRM*
  2129. >“It’s a bug!”
  2130. >A bug?
  2131. >How long was he listening to you in the kitchen?
  2132.  
  2133.  
  2134. “What do you mean?”
  2135. >Please don’t say he saw that Pinkie was actually a changeling
  2136. >“There are bugs inside the computer! Literal bugs! Jesus Christ, it’s so obvious!”
  2137. >Phew, that could have complicated things
  2138. >Plus you’d already ruled out sabotage
  2139. “What kind of bugs? And why Jesus? I haven’t heard of any ‘gods’ of computers.”
  2140. >“It’s probably moths, or flies, or something else that crawls into the computer and bridges exposed gaps with their bodies accidentally. They’d fall out whenever the board was under inspection! It was right in front of us! Oh god, I can’t believe we missed that!”
  2141. >He keeps bringing up ‘gods’ in an exclamatory manner
  2142. >*Bvvvvvvvmmmm*
  2143. >No time to think about that now; that changeling might have relayed an actual Pinkie Sense combo
  2144. “Spike! Spike, take a letter. Ask them if they’ve had a malfunction recently.”
  2145. >Spike brushes away the paper that was shielding his ears and retrieves a mostly blank piece of paper
  2146. >He rolls over to grab a ballpoint pen, quickly writes out a letter, and sends it without saying a word
  2147. >You look back to Jon
  2148. “So now what? What do we do if it’s not this?”
  2149. >“We quit. It has to be this. We’ve exhausted so many possibilities that I’d just give up if it’s not this.”
  2150. “I’m all for that. I just want to get back to the ‘internet.’”
  2151. >“What are you using it for?”
  2152. >*Bvvvmmm*
  2153.  
  2154.  
  2155. “I’ve been using it almost exclusively for Canterlot Computer research since I got the letter about how I might not be able to go home. I'll probably use it for ‘Wikipedia’, the free stuff on ‘Google Books,’ and ‘the Gutenberg Project’ once we give up. Also a bit of the ‘Global Security’ ‘website’ so I can understand how humans fight wars.”
  2156. >“What were those last two websites?”
  2157. “A massive, free library and an encyclopedia of military equipment.”
  2158. >“Why study military equipment? Did Jake recommend that?”
  2159. “Yes, he did. Thankfully, this was BEFORE I got the news that I might never go home, and I did ask him for something along these lines. I want to know how to survive if I ever come up against such things because they’re honestly terrifying. Jake’s under the impression that I’d be less frightened by human weaponry if I understood how it functions.”
  2160. >Spike rolls onto his back
  2161. >*Buuurp*
  2162. >That was a fast reply
  2163. >Sounds like a small one as well
  2164. >You levitate it in front of you, but don’t break eye contact with Jon just yet
  2165. “It’s not really working. Knowing that humans put so much work into designing efficient ways to kill eachother as opposed to fixing the problems that make them use those devices is more disheartening than anything else. Alright, let’s see what this is…”
  2166.  
  2167.  
  2168. Twilight,
  2169.  
  2170. Your timing couldn’t be better. We had to shut down the computer seconds ago due to a malfunction.
  2171.  
  2172. Canterlot Computer Chief Engineer Square Root
  2173.  
  2174.  
  2175. “It just broke again.”
  2176. >“Excellent. Let’s give them a revised troubleshooting procedure that tells them what they ought to be looking for.”
  2177. >Now Jon scribbles out a quick letter and hands it to Spike
  2178. >*Fwoosh*
  2179. >Now we play the waiting game
  2180. >Jon goes back to his desk and has a seat
  2181. >You take a seat among the countless scraps of paper, because who knows how long this will take
  2182. >Jon reclines in his chair, then speaks to no one in particular
  2183. >“A radar operator.”
  2184. >This must be a thought that spilled out of his mouth
  2185. >If he’s not keeping it to himself, and you have nothing better to do…
  2186. “A ‘radar’ operator?”
  2187. >“Yes. During World War Two. I’m thinking about what you just said.”
  2188. “I’m not following your train of thought.”
  2189. >“A lot of the technology we have today is a product of advancements made in World War Two and the Cold War.”
  2190. “Still having trouble following you.”
  2191. >“Have you looked into the origin of the microwave oven yet?”
  2192. “No. I’ve been meaning to.”
  2193.  
  2194.  
  2195. >“I’ll save you the trouble. A Raytheon engineer by the name of Percy Spencer was working on a radar magnetron when he noticed the chocolate bar in his pocket melting. He left, came back with some popcorn kernels, and they popped after he left them by the magnetron. He tried the same with a magnetron that discharges into a closed metal box, trapping the electromagnetic waves, and it only worked better. Before that, all microwave energy did was blind birds that sat too close to the radar arrays by heating up the insides of the birds’ eyes.”
  2196. “So the ‘microwave’ oven is a military product?”
  2197. >“About as much as the internet is.”
  2198. “The ‘internet’ is a military product?!”
  2199. >“It was invented by a military. Why, are you going to stop using it?”
  2200. >That’s a dirty conversational trick
  2201. >You’re more than a little upset that Jon would pull this on you, as well as everyone else holding this information aw-
  2202. >Okay, no, you’re just upset at him for pulling this on you
  2203. >You’re a bit upset at yourself for not doing research on this now that it’s so effortless
  2204. “…It’s too useful to give up.”
  2205. >“I should hope you’d say the same of me and my desire to kill rabbits.”
  2206. >Now that’s a real dirty trick
  2207. >Wait, how did he hear of that?
  2208. >Nevermind
  2209. >Might as well get to the bottom of his obsession with this rabbit problem
  2210.  
  2211.  
  2212. “Why do you keep obsessing about those rabbits?”
  2213. >“You’d be upset too if you’d planted a garden and fenced it off only to have rabbits find a way in and chew through the stems on your beanstalks. Stupid little things.”
  2214. “They ate the stems?”
  2215. >“Sure did.”
  2216. “Wow, that’s actually a pretty jerk move. Not worthy of killing them, but I guess that wouldn’t be as bad since they don’t have much in the way of intelligence.”
  2217. >“Why is it not as bad if they’re not smart?”
  2218. “No, I mean the Equestrian definition of intelligence and sentience. They could be geniuses for all I care. If they can’t interact peacefully, something ought to be done about them. Killing them still seems a bit extreme to me.”
  2219. >“Damn things breed too much. Someone’s got to kill them.”
  2220. >This line of conversation is going nowhere pleasant
  2221. “What was it you were saying about the ‘internet’ being a military product?”
  2222. >“The pre-internet ‘ARPAnet’ was made by researchers under the jurisdiction of the US military. IBM supplied punch-card machines that helped conduct the censuses used to round up Jews in Nazi Germany. GPS satellites guide bombs and cars. I can’t imagine where we’d be without a military industrial complex. So many civilian products have history that intertwines with war.”
  2223.  
  2224.  
  2225. “Human history is a violent thing, from what I’ve seen. I’m not surprised that war has such a strong influence.”
  2226. >“Did I ever tell you about how there were components for a Norden Bombsight in the MIT workshop when I was studying for my degree? I don’t know where they got it from, but it was a bit of outdated World War Two aerial bombing equipment, probably surplus or scrap. Wheels, springs, and dials that could aim a bomb from 50,000 feet into a pickle barrel... I can only aspire to the mechanical genius that created it.”
  2227. “I’m sure it’s an impressive device, but I can’t condone its purpose. What practical use could an aiming device like that have outside of war?”
  2228. >“That actually reminds me of how you asked about Morse Code. Samuel Morse didn’t invent it for military use, but it’s probably seen more military use than civilian.”
  2229. “Weren’t you going to tell me what that is?”
  2230. >“It’s sort of like binary communication. It’s a one-button system that has an alphabet of different combinations of long and short button presses. Not very efficient, but it’s spectacular for something that was invented over 150 years ago and is still in use today.”
  2231. >There’s another strange coincidence
  2232. “That sounds an awful lot like how Equestrian typewriters work…”
  2233. >Jon leans forward in interest
  2234. >“It does?”
  2235.  
  2236.  
  2237. “Yeah, except it’s a two-button system instead of one button with two functions. The typewriters themselves are mechanically similar to the ‘bomb sight’ you just described. Most clockmakers can make typewriters, but the alphabet code isn’t standardized and you’d have to learn it all over again if you’re using a typewriter made by somep0ny other than your usual clockmaker. They’re only popular amongst sloppy writers.”
  2238. >“I take it you never learned to use one?”
  2239. “Never bothered.”
  2240. >“I don’t blame you. There’s no point in a system like that if it’s not accepted by more than a few people. The only reason I use the US system of measurement is because I grew up with it. I hear that even the US military prefers the Metric system, and it’s not like they’re separate from our country.”
  2241. “I sincerely hope you’re not trying to get me to like war. Bloodshed is inherently wrong.”
  2242. >“Oh no, of course I’m not! I know what war does to people. It’s horrible.”
  2243. >It occurs to you that you don’t actually know that much about your hosts personally
  2244. >Jon could be a hardened killer, and you’d never have known
  2245. “Have you been to war? Did you fight?”
  2246. >“I nearly got drafted during the Vietnam War, but no. My father is the reason I know what war is like.”
  2247.  
  2248.  
  2249. >That’s a small relief
  2250. “So he’s the one who fought?”
  2251. >“No. He served stateside in World War Two at a military hospital.”
  2252. “How, then? How do you know what war is like if neither you nor your father participated in combat?”
  2253. >“It’s the people he had to treat. Most of them were emotional wrecks. Being around them all the time, he didn’t fare much better. He developed a habit of drinking just to cope with his job. Not drunkenness, mind you. Just… he always got ‘buzzed’ after he got home for the day. My most vivid memory is of him with a glass of red wine sparkling in the evening sun, held up to the sky in his outstretched arm. He’s smiling and saying ‘vino!’ like the drink was something to be admired. I never want to end up depending on-”
  2254. >*BuUUUURRRRpp*
  2255. >You weren’t expecting a reply this soon
  2256. >Jon gets out of his chair in anticipation
  2257. >It looks like it’s royally sealed, and you definitely weren’t expecting that
  2258. >Two possibilities: this is either extremely good news or extremely bad news
  2259. >Spike catches the letter and unrolls it before you can take it
  2260. >Whatever the letter says, Spike seems to think it’s funny
  2261. >“Oh wow. OH WOW. I can’t wait to see that picture.”
  2262. “What’s it say?”
  2263. >“See for yourselves.”
  2264. >He holds the letter in front of himself for Jon and you to read
  2265.  
  2266.  
  2267. My faithful student,
  2268.  
  2269. In all my centuries, I’ve never seen so many hooves, paws, claws, and talons on so many faces, my own
  2270. included. The scientific capital of the world is currently the facehoof capital of the world. We’ve all read
  2271. the technical documentation you’ve sent to us, and they contained the word “bug” in reference to
  2272. computer faults. My commendations to Jon for being the one to finally solve this problem.
  2273.  
  2274. Representative Ma Yu Zhe sends his apologies for coming to a premature conclusion regarding our
  2275. ability to rescue you. I hope you forgive him, as he seems legitimately penitent.
  2276.  
  2277.  
  2278. Get some R&R. You’ve earned it.
  2279. Princess Celestia
  2280.  
  2281.  
  2282. P.S. I’ve just learned that Discord took a picture for posterity. I must have missed the sound of the
  2283. shutter over the thunderous noise of countless forelimbs ending up on their owners’ faces. I’ll see if I
  2284. can get a copy to you, but for now you’ll just have to imagine a Steppes Griffon hovering over the
  2285. circuitry with a charred housefly in her talon. The words “Ya nashel oshibku!” (“I’ve found a bug!”) have
  2286. barely left her beak as a hundred, then a thousand, then five thousand scientists and both Princesses of
  2287. Equestria find that even geniuses make dumb mistakes sometimes. I’m going to personally ensure this
  2288. picture gets into every illustrated history text.
  2289.  
  2290.  
  2291. >It’s fixed
  2292. >IT’S FIXED!
  2293. >AND YOU GET TIME TO DO WHATEVER YOU WANT!
  2294. “YES! The Sisyphean task is complete!”
  2295. >You turn to Jon, nearly hugging him but then thinking better of it
  2296. >Instead, you extend a single forehoof to him for a hoof/handshake
  2297. “We did it. YOU did it. Put ‘er there.”
  2298. >He takes a moment to figure out what your intention is, then grasps your forehoof firmly and gives a few strong shakes
  2299. >You’re still not comfortable with the idea of touching a human
  2300. >Can’t let that ruin the moment
  2301. “Jon, you are going to go down in Equestrian history.”
  2302. >He’s flustered, and understandably so, letting go of your hoof to nervously scratch the side of his greying beard
  2303. >“I… I suppose I ought to feel honored.”
  2304. >You decide to get some questions answered to give him a larger blurb in whatever history text this ends up in
  2305. >Time to put what you learned in ‘Noteworthy’s Interviewing Tips for Novice News Reporters’ to use
  2306. “Tell me, what are you planning to do now that we’ve completed the Canterlot Computer?”
  2307. >“Probably get back to editing videos, working on bikes, and doing legal consultation, I guess. There are a few lawyers that I need to get back in touch with.”
  2308. “If you could summarize what you’re thinking in two sentences or less, what would those sentences be?
  2309. >“I feel ashamed for thinking so practically, but what do I get from this? I’ve accumulated so much knowledge and documentation that I can’t share with anyone else on Earth.”
  2310.  
  2311.  
  2312. >The train of excitement just slammed on its brakes and ground to a sparking stop
  2313. “Uh…”
  2314. >“We’ve also spent quite a bit on you, and it’s only going to increase in the next… what did Pinketty say? Five to twenty years?”
  2315. >And also that there’s a grave threat to civilization, which is all but confirmed not to be a false alarm unless your friends are wrong
  2316. >There’s also the mystery of how your friends could have possibly sent you here
  2317. >The train of excitement is reversing at three kilometers per hour on the same track as the train of celebration, which is traveling forward at a speed of forty kilometers per hour fifteen kilometers behind the first train
  2318. >Solve for time until impact, ignoring the length of both trains and possibility of braking
  2319. “Well… I don’t know, we’ll think of something. Celestia gave you her commendations. I doubt she’d stop at that, being a living embodiment of Harmony.”
  2320. >“What could she possibly give us? If we get money, it would look like laundering.”
  2321. >A good question
  2322. >Simple, but it doesn’t have an answer
  2323. >That seems to be par for the course
  2324. “I’m sure we’ll think of something. For now, you don’t have me pestering you, and you’ve gained two friends.”
  2325. >“I’ve been chatting with Markus for some time now, but who else?”
  2326. “Me! How could I not like you for helping us like this?”
  2327.  
  2328.  
  2329. #IRCAddamsLocal
  2330. Server time 5/22/2013, 20:07
  2331.  
  2332. 20:07:22@Basement: Five to twenty years.
  2333. 20:07:30@JonDesktop: Are we talking about when I retire, when Jake moves out, or when you go home?
  2334. 20:07:31@Basement: Any of the above. Mostly about going home. It’s not forever, but… five to twenty years.
  2335. 20:07:39@JakeLaptop: Did you hear back about that qilin you mentioned at dinner?
  2336. 20:07:42@Basement: She’s recovering. Thankfully, that wasn’t the sort of spell that you have to put all of the energy into at the start. Those are the ones that are possible to over-commit to and hurt yourself. This one was the kind that requires a constant stream of magic, so she just knocked herself out and fell over, breaking the stream.
  2337. 20:07:44@Basement: Five to twenty years, though. It’s not all the time in the world, but that’s more than enough time for me to get work done.
  2338. 20:07:49@JonDesktop: I’m glad and all, but that’s a really long time. Spike is just a child, right?
  2339. 20:07:53@Basement: Oh… I did not consider that. Good thing that he can’t have a growth spurt like the one he did last year. He got to adult size in less than a day because he tripped his hoarding instinct too soon and nearly wrecked a neighborhood in instinctive rage.
  2340.  
  2341.  
  2342. 20:07:57@Basement: Have I mentioned that draconic brain structure is really strange? Because it is. They’re essentially born callosotomized and have two separate brains until the age of four, at which point their callosum forms and begins to connect the brains. Counterintuitive as it might seem, this actually makes dragons immune to seizures and promotes long term neural development, which is necessary for such a large skull.
  2343. 20:08:01@JonDesktop: How large will Spike grow?
  2344. 20:08:02@Basement: Big. Very big. He’ll probably be growing three hooves a year by the time he reaches 20 years old.
  2345. 20:08:03@Basement: Just to clear up any confusion, hooves are a figure of measurement.
  2346. 20:08:05@Basement: It’s about six inches or 15 centimeters. I prefer to use feet or meters because they don’t imply species.
  2347. 20:08:07@Basement: I could probably learn a spell that compresses him to a more manageable size. Harmlessly, of course. He might weigh too much to go upstairs, but he won’t take up all of the basement.
  2348. 20:08:11@JakeLaptop: Shrinking? Please tell me you’d never do that to me.
  2349. 20:08:14@Basement: Not without your permission. Spells like that have to be renewed, anyway, so you probably wouldn’t be stuck like that if we decided to do some experiments regarding the effects of magic on humans. (Wink wink, nudge nudge, I need a test subject to volunteer.)
  2350. 20:08:17@JonDesktop: Good god, you type fast. I’m starting to get self-conscious.
  2351.  
  2352.  
  2353. 20:08:20@Basement: Don’t. You have to use your hands. I can’t stress this enough: I AM TYPING WITH MY MIND AND IT FEELS SO GOOD! It’s like this computer is an extension of my brain, and the internet is a gateway to all of human knowledge! I AM THE SMARTEST PONY TO EVER LIVE!
  2354. 20:08:21@Basement: Or at least I am when the page will load. This “Deviant Art” website is so unreliable. What a killjoy.
  2355. 20:08:22@Basement: Oh, and which god, if you don’t mind me asking?
  2356. 20:08:29@JonDesktop: Christian Abrahamic. My great uncle was a preacher back in the days before loudspeakers or amplification. Few men could fill a room with their voice like he could.
  2357. 20:08:29@JakeLaptop: You’re not missing much. Go check Wikipedia for a list of the classical artists.
  2358. 20:08:30@Basement: Will do, Jake. Didn’t you say you’d get me some music and your philosophy textbook?
  2359. 20:08:38@JakeDesktop: You can find most of the music on Youtube. As for the philosophy, look up ‘Vice and Virtue in Everyday Life’ and do a web search for the writings in its table of contents.
  2360. 20:08:40@Basement: Oh right, duh. I’m independent now. Thanks for the computer, by the way.
  2361. 20:08:42@Basement: I was thinking of skipping the classical music section since it’s what’s usually on the radio. Are there any pieces I absolutely need to hear that I probably haven’t heard yet?
  2362.  
  2363.  
  2364. 20:08:52@JonDesktop: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=n82l3rEQSWk Tchaikovsky wrote this to memorialize the battle which signaled the beginning of the end of the Napoleonic Empire. The percussion section is very memorable.
  2365. 20:08:54@Basement: Thank you Jon, Jake. Thus begins my cultural metamorphosis into a human. If I’m going to be here a while, it would happen anyway. I might as well go willingly…
  2366. 20:09:01@JakeLaptop: You’re not considering literally becoming a human, are you?
  2367. 20:09:04@Basement: My magic isn’t nearly reliable enough for something that complicated. A body-altering spell isn’t beyond my capabilities, but cellular plasticity only gives so much room for error. With my magic not working right, I’d probably end up injuring myself, or worse. Even if I could get the spell right, what would I do with my horn? I’d never give up my horn!
  2368. 20:10:05@Basement: I’ve found a gallery website.
  2369. 20:11:29@Basement: Listening to orchestral music while browsing fine art. It’s hard to feel classier than this if I ignore the fact that human orchestral music is incredibly similar to Equestrian orchestral music. This picture of Napoleon on a horse, though… yuck. Equines should not look like that or be ridden like that. That riding equipment looks both painful and insulting.
  2370.  
  2371.  
  2372. 20:15:22@Basement: There are some impressive works here, but what’s up with Frida Kahlo’s unibrow?
  2373. 20:15:30@JakeLaptop: What the fuck IS up with her unibrow? I never understood that either.
  2374. 20:15:35@ElizaLaptop: Watch your language.
  2375. 20:15:40@JakeLaptop: Sorry, mom.
  2376. 20:20:09@Basement: Memorable, indeed! Are those explosions?!
  2377. 20:20:22@JonDesktop: Tchaikovsky’s original arrangement calls for blank-loaded cannons. The crescendo is a thing of legend.
  2378. 20:20:30@Basement: Is this the only piece of human orchestral music that does this, or have I somehow missed all the other ones that use gunpowder for percussion?
  2379. 20:20:37@JonDesktop: No, it’s just this one.
  2380. 20:20:39@Basement: I HAVE to listen to the rest of this. It’s so unique! So human! I’d thought all human orchestral music was similar to Equestrian orchestral, but this? It’s insane, and I think I like it!
  2381. 20:20:44@JonDesktop: A popular opinion among most people of Tchaikovsky’s time.
  2382. 20:20:46@Basement: I’ll hazard a guess and say that another popular opinion was “won’t someone think of the poor eardrums that will have to endure this level of volume?”
  2383. 20:20:59@JonDesktop: If they thought that then, they certainly don’t think it anymore. Trust me. I was a rock band’s bassist back when I was earning my degree in audio engineering.
  2384.  
  2385.  
  2386.  
  2387. Part 4
  2388.  
  2389. >Monday, May 27, 11:40pm
  2390. >Year 22 and ‘LAUREN FAUST IS ON 4CHAN GUYS OMG’ on Earth
  2391. >You are Jake Addams
  2392. >You’re going to bed now
  2393. >Eliza’s already in bed and trying to sleep
  2394. >It’s getting late, and the modem will be off soon
  2395. >Shame about that, because Faust just came to /mlp/ and is distracting everyone from their usual discussions of crotchboobs, satyrs, and >rape BY BEING ON /mlp/ OMG YOU GUYS SHE LIKES US MORE THAN PONYCHAN
  2396. >She’s giving her two cents about how weird the Equestria Girls toys look and answer questions about the show
  2397. >Her two cents are “I drew this picture of myself as The Incredible Hulk because this shit upsets me” (paraphrased)
  2398. >It’ll probably be there in the morning because it’s stickied, so you close your laptop and sit up on the edge of your bed
  2399. >Those toys, holy shit
  2400. >They make the character design for the actual movie look realistic, even masculine by comparison
  2401. >The movie’s designs have weird gangly limbs and bobble heads, they exclusively wear short skirts and knee-high boots, and their waists are as thin as 2-liter soda bottles
  2402. >And THOSE look masculine by contrast to the toys
  2403. >Lauren’s idea of FiM being a show with a subtext of gender equality clashes with that, so she’s venting to a sympathetic audience
  2404. >Quite a few people are agreeing with her
  2405. >Everyone else is either thanking her for coming up with a good concept for a franchise reboot, trolling her, or asking questions about what she intended for the show
  2406.  
  2407.  
  2408. >It just goes to show that Hasbro’s toy department is completely divorced from the cartoon-makers
  2409. >It also goes to show what sixty year old executives think six year old girls want
  2410. >Generally, six year old girls want whatever their friends want, and that’s generally what’s advertised to them by sixty year old executives
  2411. >Oh capitalism, you so crazy
  2412. >Crazy’s also a good way to describe the design decisions for the recently announced Xbox One
  2413. >It won’t work unless it connects to the internet once every 24 hours, it requires the Kinect camera to be plugged in at all times, it has NO GAEMS, the DRM won’t let you share the NO GAEMS, and its killer app is “it’s kind of like a cable box that also does Skype and Internet Explorer”
  2414. >So it’s basically what some disconnected engineers and designers THINK people want instead of what people actually want
  2415. >And the AP phone records controversy is still going, so the fact that it has a camera and needs to connect to the internet every day has a been immediately associated with its potential for abuse
  2416. >If that’s not intentional, the people behind these ideas must have their heads so far up their asses that they’ll have stomach acid in their hair when they finally pull out
  2417. >Seriously, what cave would they have to live in to think this is a good idea?
  2418.  
  2419.  
  2420. >Even the ‘Cave of Knowledge’ is more connected than wherever those bumblefucks are living, and you’ve screened around 500 web pages and hundreds of thousands of lines of HTML each day
  2421. >Nothing’s gotten through
  2422. >At least you think you haven’t let anything through
  2423. >Unless Celestia told Twilight about Equestria Girls, that ‘metamorphosis’ exchange in IRC was just a coincidence (at least that’s what you tell yourself)
  2424. >It’s reassuring to see what you made working, especially since it’s %90 someone else’s work and you don’t understand half of it
  2425. >Learning a new programming language and compiling a list of just about everything associated with MLP:FiM, then adding exceptions and rules like “rarity +nightmare +unicorn” and “twilight -vampire -vampires +sparkle” isn’t exactly an easy task when you give yourself less than a week to do it
  2426. >Learning VB helped, but the only real thing you managed to do was to find where to type what you want excluded
  2427. >For the most part, though, the program just watches and waits
  2428. >It gets a few false alarms, but that’s better than letting something through that it shouldn’t
  2429.  
  2430.  
  2431. >Twilight’s internet and search history are profoundly boring
  2432. >She’s done her homework about internet safety
  2433. >Twilight’s never gone to a seedy site, only clicked on an ad once, and usually has the ad-blocker on
  2434. >That one ad was for custom mouth guards
  2435. >No clue as to why she’d be interested in those
  2436. >She’s not doing contact sports, and she would have mentioned if she clenched and ground her teeth in her sleep
  2437. >It shall forever remain a secret from you
  2438. >In any case, that’s the only interesting thing she’s ever done
  2439. >Wikipedia and some sites from the articles’ references all day, music in a separate tab if the mood suits her, and occasionally stopping to read an online book
  2440. >She’s totally neglecting Global Security’s website
  2441. >You were kind of hoping for her to be comically inept, but that’s obviously not the case
  2442. >Monitoring her nonstop use of the internet is one of the most boring things you could spend time on
  2443. >And it is nonstop
  2444. >She’s actually blowing off the movies you had planned for her in favor of internetting
  2445. >It’s tempting to pull the plug on her and force her upstairs, but that could get ugly
  2446. >Just sit back and let the computer do the dull, dirty, dangerous work of keeping Twilicorn from doing something Celestia and Luna don’t want her to
  2447.  
  2448.  
  2449. >Speaking of sunbutt and moonbutt, Twilight got you ‘Division to Diarchy: Every Event Equestria Has Encountered’
  2450. >The first thing you did when you got it was to flip through it for a message from Celestia and Luna
  2451. >Page 307 had one
  2452. >All it said was ‘Apology accepted. There is another message inside of Twilight’s spellbooks that will explain our reasoning for this.’
  2453. >The way you see it, there are three ways you could get to those books
  2454. >Twilight might give them to you if you just ask
  2455. >That’s worth a shot
  2456. >Failing that, you could either take the books while she’s not looking or you could volunteer to be her guinea pig
  2457. >Both of those options have a serious risk of being hit with a spell that might have permanent, irreversible effects that would make a normal life impossible
  2458. >Telekinesis is fine, but the really weird stuff that can be done with magic freaks you out
  2459. >Spike agreed to go from ‘thigh high’ to ‘ankle high’ for a couple hours to get his grounding shortened
  2460. >He ended up as ‘toe high’ and lost somewhere in the house
  2461. >You actually stepped on him without realizing it
  2462.  
  2463.  
  2464. >Fortunately for the two of you, it was like stepping on a Lego
  2465. >There was no give, no crunch, and no tears shed by the alicorn in the basement
  2466. >Twilight actually thanked you for “finding” him
  2467. >Well, it was fortunate for Spike, because you weren’t wearing shoes and it hurt like FUCK
  2468. >He said it hurt too, but your foot doesn’t have pointy bits
  2469. >Twilight took this as an opportunity to explain that he’d retained all of his mass with a smaller volume
  2470. >She then attempted to demonstrate by physically carrying him to somewhere he wouldn’t get lost
  2471. >She literally could not lift him without magic
  2472. >Then she came back to explain how surface area, volume, and mass are all related by the square-cube law, and how compressing or expanding the distance between molecules can cause similar effects to shrinking and growing without some of the biological weirdness that goes along with the ratios
  2473. >The gist of it was that Spike was an inch tall yet still weighed about 70-something pounds and had become nearly invulnerable to physical harm
  2474. >You didn’t catch much of it because you were too busy whispering words that she doesn’t want Spike to learn and bandaging the gash on your foot
  2475. >That’s twice that Spike’s inadvertently crippled you
  2476. >He’s a good kid, but he’s not that smart and he’s incredibly accident prone
  2477. >And he’s going to be here for five to twenty more years
  2478. >Better than forever, but not much
  2479.  
  2480.  
  2481. >Don’s been wondering why you need programs to spy on people, and Evan’s starting to question your excuse about Eliza babysitting for the neighbors
  2482. >If this keeps up, Twilight and Spike will have to go public and you’ll have to face the consequences
  2483. >Disaster already has a foot in the door
  2484. >It doesn’t need a reason to come in
  2485. >The way this history book presents it, it looks like the time immediately after the end of the Hearth’s Warming Eve pageant’s storyline was incredibly volatile
  2486. >In their case, disaster had a hoof in the door
  2487. >The three tribes had to cooperate or risk that area of the planet becoming an ice-desert
  2488. >Before this, windigoes had been rare because all the species begrudgingly didn’t fight over anything
  2489. >The Pegasi Empire had an agreement to not let weather run rampant over the other two tribes’ areas or “accidentally” send storms their way in exchange for goods and favors, effectively subjugating both of the other tribes
  2490. >The earth ponies liked this because it meant regular rainfall for farming, but the unicorns thought of it more as a luxury and just wanted the farmers to have food when it was needed
  2491. >The griffon clans and minotaurs’ empire didn’t need or didn’t want weather control from the pegasi
  2492. >For the most part, everyone kept to themselves
  2493.  
  2494.  
  2495. >Borders were drawn along the lines of species and geography
  2496. >The earth ponies’ tribal area was the only real area of interaction where they all could mingle
  2497. >Unicorns came there from the west, pegasi from the south, and Griffons came there from the north and east
  2498. >The minotaurs in the southeast balked at the idea of exchanging autonomy for a service the griffons could already provide
  2499. >Asking for trade goods from the pre-Saddle Arabian nomads was a much better deal, in the minotaurs’ minds
  2500. >Most of the trade the minotaurs conducted with ponies was through griffon intermediaries, and the griffons considered the minotaurs to be intermediaries for trade with the nomadic clans of ‘The Dunes-land’
  2501. >The species and tribes all had separate languages, but language tended to coalesce along trade routes
  2502. >The earth p0nies that did business with the pegasi ended up speaking something that looks a bit like Italian or Spanish, the ones doing business with unicorns spoke something similar to Gaelic, and the ones that did business with the griffons spoke what Jon said are old versions of German and French
  2503. >In the middle, it was Dutch
  2504. >So…roughly the same arrangement as western Europe, except France is somewhere else
  2505. >You can kind of see where Twilight’s coming from with this talk of weird similarities now
  2506.  
  2507.  
  2508. >The arrangement was more or less stable, but griffons started infringing upon the pegasi’s weather control deal with the earth p0nies because of convenience issues
  2509. >One side of the tribal area is closer to the Griffons’ territory, so it seemed like a good idea
  2510. >It was not a good idea
  2511. >Commander Hurricane came from a family of generals that had militarized pegasus society in order to protect everyone from the wildlife
  2512. >He was the one in power, and he apparently thought of politics like it was a game of Risk
  2513. >He was losing that game
  2514. >His family had overextended their domain by trying to sustain weather control over the Zebras’ Usio Tambarare, nearly splintering the empire with its sheer size
  2515. >The Empire had already scaled back enough for him to be uncomfortable
  2516. >Surrendering an inch of anywhere he considered to be part of the Pegasi Empire was not going to happen on his watch
  2517. >So he had his forces shoo off the “invaders” who were making much more reasonable demands in exchange for controlling the weather
  2518. >Some of the griffons didn’t get the message the first time
  2519. >Those ones got roughed up, then shooed off
  2520. >A few griffons didn’t get the message that time, either
  2521. >Those ones got impaled with javelins
  2522. >It’s satisfying to have called Twilight out on her shit about p0nies being better than humans, but a little part of you feels sad to know that this sort of thing happened in such a colorful and idyllic world
  2523.  
  2524.  
  2525. >Several unnecessary deaths later, the griffons stopped coming
  2526. >Commander Hurricane had the northeast mountains fortified in case the griffon clans decided to unite and seize the land on account of “Commander Hurricane is a dick and can go suck one, too”
  2527. >But that didn’t happen
  2528. >Probably because the Tundra Clan of griffons didn’t like the idea of their Viking-like society having to do ice fishing every month of the year
  2529. >The earth p0nies felt like this wasn’t fair, and the resulting civil unrest caused the Pegasi Empire’s breadbasket to freeze anyway
  2530. >Pegasi weather control couldn’t get rid of the cold weather, and that only escalates the situation
  2531. >It was a literal snowball effect
  2532. >Food dwindles, p0nies argue, shit goes south
  2533. >Cue season 2, episode 13
  2534. >A few months of political impasse, freezing, starvation, and all those things that make MLP a kid’s show later, the Pegasi had lost control over the other two tribes
  2535. >Independently, they all migrated west into Buffalo territory, then united under the flag of the newly founded Equestria once they realized that their political bullshit was causing a blizzard in July there, too
  2536. >The pegasi gave up their leading role to join a three-way power sharing council that later developed into the Canterlot Legislative Branch
  2537. >It looked like a false start until it actually worked
  2538.  
  2539.  
  2540. >The buffaloes were cool with having others live on their land as long as the p0nies didn’t kick them out, take the buffaloes’ shit, or pretend the buffaloes were under their rule
  2541. >Buffaloes are nomadic, anyway, so the idea of a neighboring tribe moving in wasn’t all that alarming to them
  2542. >The p0ny tribes started to interbreed, their languages started to merge, and mixed-tribe towns were established about fifty years after the migration
  2543. >Prior to that, the council of the three tribes tried to stay separated, but this only led to more chilly weather
  2544. >Eventually, everyp0ny was united and living in Harmony
  2545. >The book always has a capital ‘H’ on that word, no idea why
  2546. >There must be something you’re missing
  2547. >But anyway, everyp0ny was living in capital ‘H’ Harmony, things were looking up, and the old tribal areas were starting to return to windigo-less weather
  2548. >Then Discord came and fucked shit up
  2549. >He’d been sitting off to the side this whole time with a bucket of popcorn, waiting for things to go bad again
  2550. >Yes, he literally had a bucket of popcorn
  2551. >But it didn’t go bad again
  2552.  
  2553.  
  2554. >According to eyewitness accounts, he went to storm out of the theater and demand a refund for having to sit through a story with such an unsatisfying ending, then realized he wasn’t in a theater and he could make his own refund if he fucked shit up
  2555. >So Discord fucked shit up and declared himself the king of Equestria because he’s Discord
  2556. >That’s all you’ve read so far
  2557. >And for the record, that wasn’t exactly 1000 years ago
  2558. >The migration was closer to 1600 years ago, and Discord started fucking shit up around 1530 years ago
  2559. >1000 sounds cooler, though
  2560. >And that’s how Equestria was made, and then subsequently unmade
  2561. >The next part is about how Celestia and Luna came and remade Equestria to be a place of Harmony
  2562. >Why do they keep using a capital ‘H?’
  2563. >The cultural guide you got for your birthday didn’t say anything about this
  2564. >It just had a bunch of notable holidays and events and stuff, as well as a general idea of how each species lives
  2565. >Harmony isn’t a proper noun to them, right?
  2566. >Whatever
  2567. >You’ll find out later
  2568. >Right now, you want some ice cream
  2569. >Ever since the doctor said you lost all that weight, mom’s been poking you to eat more
  2570. >That’s not the sort of thing you need to be told twice
  2571. >You get up from your bed and hobble to the kitchen
  2572. >Once you’re there, you check the fridge for snacks mom might have got for you
  2573. >It was cheesecake yesterday
  2574. >Today, it’s nothing
  2575. >Dad’s switched from soy milk to almond milk, so that’s sort of exciting in a not-exciting way
  2576.  
  2577.  
  2578. >Moving down to the freezer, you find the ‘chocolate and peanut butter cup peanut butter swirl’ ice cream
  2579. >And there’s some left, because Spike’s not off his grounding until tomorrow
  2580. >You feel bad for putting him through this, but still sort of angry
  2581. >It has to get drilled into him that doing anything to reveal himself to the outside world is a really fucking terrible idea, and this is the way to do it
  2582. >You pull the tub of guilt-laced ice cream out of the freezer and stick it in the microwave for a quick thaw
  2583. >As you set the timer, you hear dad coming out of his office
  2584. >You hit the start button and see if you can get the scoop, bowl, and spoon before the microwave is done
  2585. >Twenty five seconds remaining
  2586. >Turn around, see Jon leaning on office door frame, proceed to cabinets
  2587. “Hi, dad.”
  2588. >“I was about to turn off the modem for the night. Do you need it for anything?”
  2589. >Open misc. utensils drawer, retrieve ice cream scoop
  2590. >Ninteen seconds
  2591. “No, I’m good.”
  2592. >“How’s your foot?”
  2593. >Open cabinet, retrieve bowl
  2594. “It’s feeling better. Spike’s spikes were barely large enough to pierce my skin.”
  2595. >“I talked to Twilight earlier. She said she might be able to heal it.”
  2596. >Eleven seconds
  2597. “I think I’ll just put antibiotic on the wound and wait, thanks.”
  2598. >“Suit yourself.”
  2599. >Retrieve spoon from dish rack
  2600. >Seven seconds
  2601. >“Or ‘Suture Self: The DIY Surgery Kit.’ I ought to see if that’s trademarked.”
  2602. “Ha ha.”
  2603. >Lay them all out on the table, and
  2604. >*Beep, beep, beeeep*
  2605.  
  2606.  
  2607. >Midnight snack is rea-
  2608. >No, wait, this spoon is still dirty with caked-on peanut butter
  2609. >Spike’s not being as thorough with his dishwashing
  2610. >Maybe it’s passive aggressiveness, maybe it’s coincidence
  2611. >You’re not going to hold it against him because at least he’s doing his job
  2612. “Hey dad, have you been eating peanut butter straight from the jar again?”
  2613. >“Should I not?”
  2614. “It’s weird.”
  2615. >“That reason’s never stopped me from doing something before.”
  2616. >You pick up the dirty spoon and put it in the sink, then search for a clean one
  2617. “How about ‘other people want to use it for sandwiches, and you eat way too much?’”
  2618. >“I didn’t touch the Nutella we got so we could send it to Pinko.”
  2619. “Pinkie.”
  2620. >“Yes, that one.”
  2621. >Clean spoon, clean spoon…
  2622. >There’s one
  2623. >You put it in the place of the dirty spoon on the table
  2624. >“Markus says that she’s helping to liven up the mood in Canterlot. Penk… whatever her name is-”
  2625. “Pinkie.”
  2626. >“That one. She sounds like she really knows how to make friends. Markus is talking about her almost as much as he’s saying he thinks Cape Cod sounds like a nice place, and he really likes what I’ve told him about Cape Cod.”
  2627. >Why is he talking about Pinkie?
  2628. “Oh?”
  2629. >“Security in the castle got raised recently. He said she didn’t just keep the mood from getting worse because of that, but she actually improved it.”
  2630. “Sounds nice.”
  2631.  
  2632.  
  2633. >There’s a reason for this
  2634. >He just needs to stop beating around the bush
  2635. >You walk over to the microwave and pull out the tub of ice cream
  2636. “Why are you bringing this up?”
  2637. >“I just wanted to see how the plan for making friends with Twilight is coming along.”
  2638. >Oh
  2639. >That figures
  2640. “You’re friends with her. Why don’t you tell me?”
  2641. >“Because I want to know how you’re doing with that plan.”
  2642. >You put the tub of ice cream next to the bowl and start scooping
  2643. “Mission complete. She’s got a friend.”
  2644. >“No, I mean how you’re doing at becoming one of her friends. She’s still stressed about something, and I can’t get her to open up.”
  2645. >You put the tub of ice cream down on the table and start scooping
  2646. “I’m not sure, but I think there’s something happening in Equestria that she doesn’t want us to know about. One of the letters she got from Pinkie had a thing saying that there were hidden messages in the other letters her friends have sent her.”
  2647. >“It could be some game she’s playing with her friends.”
  2648. “Maybe. I don’t know.”
  2649. >“Do you not want to find out?”
  2650. “I don’t want to be the one who has to ask her. She’s powerful and emotionally volatile. That’s not a combination I’m comfortable with.”
  2651. >Jon pulls up a chair next to the spot your bowl is at as you close the tub of ice cream
  2652. >“Jake, you’re creating a paper tiger. She wouldn’t hurt us.”
  2653.  
  2654.  
  2655. “When she’s not stranded on a planet where she thinks everything is going to kill her, maybe.”
  2656. >You put the scoop in the sink and return the ice cream to its home in the freezer before taking a seat for yourself
  2657. >“I’m not even sure she can hurt us. The way I understand it, magic works by altering the magic in an object using a unicorn’s own magic. If humans don’t have any magic, she might not be able to use it on us.”
  2658. >Wait, can she not do that?
  2659. “Has she ever used magic on you?”
  2660. >“Never.”
  2661. >Okay, that’s kind of comforting
  2662. “Has she ever said that it wouldn’t work on humans?”
  2663. >“I don’t recall.”
  2664. >Not as comforting
  2665. >“Either way, Eliza and I are both going to be out next weekend. She’s got a religious retreat to go to and I need to go to Arizona to look at a crash scene for a lawyer.”
  2666. >Even less comforting
  2667. “You’re going to leave me alone with them?”
  2668. >“They’re FINE. Look, I used to be a little frightened by Twilight’s magic because I thought it was weird and it didn’t make sense. Now that it makes some sense to me, I just think it’s weird. She’s different. That’s all.”
  2669. “I hope you’re right.”
  2670.  
  2671.  
  2672. >Jon stands up and pushes his chair back in
  2673. >“I’m going to turn off the modem and go to bed now. Good night.”
  2674. “Good night.”
  2675. >He then goes to join his wife in bed (in a totally non-sexual way because she’s been asleep for about an hour)
  2676. >You sit there finishing your ice cream and waiting for purple pone to come upstairs
  2677. >A couple minutes later, you hear the basement door open
  2678. >Hooves are clacking their way down the hall accompanied by Twilight enunciating something just loud enough for you to hear
  2679. >“Arise, fair sun, and kill the envious moon,/Who is already sick and pale with grief/That thou her maid art far more fair than she.”
  2680. >She has been reading her Shakespeare
  2681. >You don’t memorize her internet history, so you’re not sure which play that is
  2682. “Which one is that?”
  2683. >Twilight peeks into the kitchen
  2684. >“‘Romeo and Juliet!’ Don’t tell me you made me read that play before you’ve read it yourself!”
  2685. “I would, but I promised to be honest. All I know is the Sparknotes version of it.”
  2686. >“And now that I know what Sparknotes is, I can say that I know that niche of your culture even better than you do.”
  2687. >Her tongue comes out and gives a *plbbbbt* in your direction
  2688. >You’ll let her pat herself on the back for that because that was sort of cute
  2689. >Can p0nies even reach their own backs with their hooves?
  2690. >Nevermind, that’s a stupid question
  2691. “Any questions about the story?”
  2692.  
  2693.  
  2694. >“No. It’s a lot grimmer and bloodier than any love story I’ve heard before, but I guess Shakespeare was writing about the themes of his time.”
  2695. >You eat the last spoonful of ice cream
  2696. >“Y’know, if you replace the part about killing with banishment and take away the maid, that sort of matches up with the ‘Mare in the Moon’ story.”
  2697. “I haven’t read that far in the history book yet.”
  2698. >“How far have you gotten?”
  2699. >Standing and putting the bowl and spoon in the sink, you rinse them so the residual ice cream doesn’t cake on overnight
  2700. “Discord is being a jerk.”
  2701. >She steps fully into the kitchen, beaming with enthusiasm
  2702. >WOW is it nice to see her smiling again
  2703. >“Ah, you’re about to get to the exciting parts. Wait’ll you see the speech Sombra makes for his ‘empire.’ It’s one of the most one-sided and delusional arguments you’ll ever see.”
  2704. “It’s an argument? I thought it was a speech.”
  2705. >“It’s some of both. He’s ranting at Celestia and Luna as they corner him. I won’t spoil it for you.”
  2706. “Could you tell me the context, at least?”
  2707. >“Celestia and Luna personally have him cornered, as in they led the charge into the Crystal Empire and now they have him trapped and at their mercy. He says his part, then uses dark magic to make his whole empire disappear.”
  2708. “What do you mean by ‘at their mercy?’”
  2709. >“He’s practically goading Celestia into killing him. She probably should have.”
  2710.  
  2711.  
  2712. >Cue stock sound effects : Tires screeching to stop.mp3, record scratch.mp3, crowd gasp 5.mp3
  2713. >Layer them over each other, and you’ll have an audible representation of how you’re feeling about what Twilight said
  2714. “Wait, wait, hold up. Did you just approve of killing?!”
  2715. >“In Sombra’s case. He was almost mentally dead, and if Celestia had killed him then the Crystal Empire wouldn’t have disappeared.”
  2716. “Well, okay, but this is sort of a 180 from what I thought your opinion on the topic was!”
  2717. >Twilight serious’es slightly
  2718. >“Not really. He was an emperor, and he ruined hundreds of thousands of lives. Keep reading. You’ll find that Equestria does NOT take kindly to the concept of empires. That reminds me, actually, how is Star Wars in terms of child-appropriateness? A lot of the Disney movies don’t have what I’d consider to be child-appropriate themes. Let’s just say I’m glad I previewed Bambi.”
  2719. “That’s exactly what I’m talking about. You’re so squeamish about death, but his is fine?”
  2720. >Now she’s gone full serious
  2721. >“He was threatening to overthrow Celestia and Luna. Him. Threatening to overthrow the most Harmonious beings alive who brought Equestria together and imprisoned Discord. The Sisters thought that was wrong, and I’m inclined to agree with them. Even if he wasn’t evil, he’d be a step down from the Diarchy. Don’t mess with what’s already perfect.”
  2722. >This is clearly serious business for her
  2723. >Probably a good idea to change the subject or leave
  2724.  
  2725.  
  2726. “Uh… alright, I guess that’s justifiable and all. I wasn’t expecting it from you, though. Can I get past you? I’d like to brush my teeth…”
  2727. >“I was headed to do the same thing. Do you mind if I come with you?”
  2728. >Sort of
  2729. “I’m okay with that.”
  2730. >“Excellent!”
  2731. >And now she’s back to being all peppy?
  2732. >Dafuq is up with Purplesmart tonight?
  2733. >True to her word, Twilight follows you into the bathroom
  2734. >She levitates one of the gajillion cheap toothbrushes that your family gets at every dental visit and her tube of toothpaste to herself before she’s even in the room, then props herself up on the sink
  2735. >By the time you’ve got your electric toothbrush and toothpaste ready, she’s moved on to flossing
  2736. >Showoff
  2737. >She finishes quickly so she can speak to you while you brush
  2738. >“You know, I didn’t TOTALLY dislike that Harry Potter novel. It was actually somewhat digestible if I pretended the characters were unicorns… do you think Hermione would have a purple coat if she was a p0ny?”
  2739. >Shrug
  2740. >“Yeah, I couldn’t decide, either. I’ve been meaning to thank you for the list, by the way. I’ve been going through the music list in order. I’ve got to say, I wasn’t expecting too much when I first saw it. Most of the genres exist in Equestria, but what I’ve heard from the list so far is entertaining and very insightful.”
  2741.  
  2742.  
  2743. >You try to mumble “What have you heard?” past your buzzing toothbrush
  2744. >“I just finished the section on gospel. I thought it was interesting that ‘Down By The Riverside’ had a line about not practicing war anymore, but almost all the national anthems had lines that implied harm should be done to competing nations. Is there something I’m missing?”
  2745. >Shaking your head in reply and staying on one spot with your toothbrush is difficult, but you do it anyway
  2746. >“Alright, just checking. I REALLY don’t get your culture. What do you want? I mean collectively, as a species, what do humans want?”
  2747. >Mumbling “I dunno” comes out as “rYzikJhd”
  2748. >Twilight picks up on its meaning from the shrug that accompanies it
  2749. >“At least I'm not the only one who doesn't get it.”
  2750. >You motion towards the sink
  2751. >Twilight leans away to let you spit
  2752. “*Ptuh* We know our problems, but not what to do with ourselves. That’s why I’m hoping you can figure it out. You’re an outside observer. You might find the answers we’ve been missing. I can’t remember meeting anyone who could tell me what the meaning of life is, even though it’s so glaringly obvious.”
  2753. >She leans back onto the sink and gives you an incredulous look, and asks the obvious question in a tone that implies she’s expecting a ridiculous answer
  2754. >“Could YOU tell me the meaning of life?”
  2755.  
  2756.  
  2757. >You rinse off your toothbrush and give the ridiculous answer
  2758. “Procreate. Make more life, pass on good genes and perpetuate life for another generation. Repeat ad infinitum.”
  2759. >She raises a hoof and opens her mouth to retort, but nothing comes out
  2760. >Slowly, she lowers the hoof and looks away
  2761. >“…I was going to say that’s closer to the purpose of life, but that could be a semantic argument that could last until breakfast time. Besides, the answer is actually to live in Harmony.”
  2762. >You turn off the faucet and put down your brush
  2763. “What does that word mean? I keep seeing it with a capital ‘H’ in the book you got for me.”
  2764. >The hoof comes up again, as does the incredulous look and open mouth
  2765. >Instead of a repeat performance, she closes her mouth and slaps herself on the forehead
  2766. >“Duh. Of course you wouldn’t know. It’s when everyone is honest, loyal, generous, kind, full of laughter, and magical. Celestia and Luna were born from the desire for Harmony by p0nies under Discord’s rule, so we follow their lead because they’re the most connected to the idea of Harmony. Take out any of those components, and it should all fall apart. We also consider a society’s ability to live in harmony a decent indicator of whether they count as sentient. What it boils down to is that friendship is magic, and magic is what (figuratively and literally) makes the world go ‘round.”
  2767.  
  2768.  
  2769. >Ohhhhhh so that’s why Spike seemed to agree with Twilight saying “friendship is magic”
  2770. >‘Friendship is Magic’ is actually what they believe and Celestia and Luna are like their gods
  2771. >You swore you’d abandon headcanons, but that’s actually a good one
  2772. “Pardon me saying, but that sounds kind of like a religious philosophy.”
  2773. >She finally leans away from the sink
  2774. >“I guess you could think of it like that.”
  2775. >Sitting down on the edge of the tub, you’re left wondering why Twilight is being so nice all of a sudden
  2776. >That was exactly the opposite answer you expected from her
  2777. >The one you expected was something along the lines of “no you stupid human that’s all wrong”
  2778. >Except for that bit about empires being bad, she’s been unnaturally happy
  2779. >Seriously, dafuq is up with Purplesmart?
  2780. >“Needless to say, eating another living being doesn’t match the ‘kindness’ part of that philosophy, so griffons and omnivores are just over the borderline of sentience.”
  2781. “Is that a bad thing?”
  2782. >“Oh, no! No, it’s not. It’s just sort of an awkward situation griffons are in, being in a cold climate without any constructive magical abilities to help them grow crops. The Monsanto genetically modified organisms controversy in the news is making me consider looking into how humans breed their plants. It might help them cut back on their meat eating a bit, but I doubt they’d completely abandon omnivorism. Heck, there are a few p0nies who wouldn’t abandon omnivorism.”
  2783. “P0nies can eat meat?”
  2784.  
  2785.  
  2786. >“We can. It’s just a thing most of us don’t like to do. Choosing to be an omnivore if you don't biologically need to be one is usually frowned upon. Let me show you something.”
  2787. >She pulls out a piece of paper she was hiding under her wing and unrolls it for you
  2788.  
  2789.  
  2790. Hey Twilight,
  2791.  
  2792. I think I ought to let you know how things are going in Canterlot. Status: PARTY! The party that Pinkie’s
  2793. throwing right now is totally awesome! The new snacks she makes are awesome too, but it’s gonna bug
  2794. me later when I’m working off the empty calories. Fat is NOT aerodynamic. Anyway, just being a friend
  2795. who wants to keep you up to date on what’s happening at home. Your brother’s on duty, so I’m told.
  2796. Not sure if you’ve heard from him yet, so there’s that. At least I think that’s what they said. Getting truth
  2797. (or any reaction at all) out of the tight-lipped guards is a pain, as usual.
  2798.  
  2799.  
  2800. You think they’d trust THE Rainbow Dash by now.
  2801. Wait, I just wrote my name up there. Do I have to write it again?
  2802. Whatever, I’ll sign it. My autograph and hoofprint are going to be valuable someday.
  2803.  
  2804. Ʊ Rainbow Dash~
  2805.  
  2806. You’re welcome.
  2807.  
  2808.  
  2809. >“This is one of my pegasus friends. She’s a huge fitness freak, and she's got a rebellious streak that's as large as her ego. She swears by an omnivorous diet to help build muscle mass. Mostly seafood, probably because she used to be good friends with a griffon from one of the Equestrian-speaking areas of the Republic.”
  2810.  
  2811.  
  2812. >If there’s a hidden message here, you don’t see it
  2813. >In any case, she rolls it up and puts it back under her wing before you can take a second look
  2814. >Wait, was she carrying this the whole time just to pull it out and show you?
  2815. >“The reason I bring this up is because I’d like to do a blindfolded taste test of vegetarian and meat hot dogs. Now that I know I can eat animals relatively guilt fr-”
  2816. >Is that what this is?
  2817. >She’s just buttering you up
  2818. “Twilight, I’m going to smack you upside the head if you keep this up.”
  2819. >This shocks her out of whatever act she was trying to sell
  2820. >“What? What am I doing wrong?”
  2821. “Acting the way I want you to act.”
  2822. >“…There’s a problem with that?”
  2823. >Yes
  2824. “Changing yourself to make me happy won’t make me happy. You’re going home someday. Make sure you’re still the p0ny your friends recognize when you get back.”
  2825. >She deadpans her response without the slightest hint of sass
  2826. >“And what if that p0ny wants to incessantly criticize all the flaws of human society?”
  2827. “Tone that down and let me get a word in edgewise every now and then.”
  2828. >“…You know, you really remind me of my brother.”
  2829. “In a good way, or a bad way?”
  2830. >She smiles
  2831. >“In a good way.”
  2832. >There’s something so pleasant about that smile
  2833.  
  2834.  
  2835. >You just want to see her be happy
  2836. “Have I ever told you that you’ve got a nice smile?”
  2837. >“I, umm… Yeah, I think you have. Thanks.”
  2838. >She shifts around awkwardly
  2839. >GodThat’sCute.gif
  2840. >“I’d, uh, I’d be even happier if I had a volunteer for magic experiments. Would you do that for me?”
  2841. >It’s going to take more than a nice smile to have you be a guinea pig
  2842. >No
  2843. “Okay.”
  2844. >FUCK
  2845. >MOUTH, YOU HAD ONE JOB AND THAT JOB WAS TO SAY NO
  2846. >ARRRRRRRGH
  2847. >You’re inwardly fuming, but Twilight just let out a little squeal of delight and is completely oblivious to how conflicted you look
  2848. >“Perfect perfect perfect! Hold out your arm. I’m going to see if I can grab it.”
  2849. >You extend your left arm, because you figure that’s the one you’d miss least and you can’t really say no if she decides to grab it anyway
  2850. >“Okay, I’m going to have my eyes shut so I’m sure I can get the spell right. Hold completely still, and please tell me what’s happening.”
  2851. >She screws her eyes shut and her horn glows that bright magenta-ish color you’ve seen again and again, enveloped by a pulsating mass of magic
  2852. >Jon couldn’t have been more wrong
  2853.  
  2854.  
  2855. >A similar magenta amoeba is swallowing your forearm, giving it a feeling of weightlessness and pressure
  2856. >Somewhere in the lizard-brained instincts of your mind, there is a primal, panicked scream that you have to strangle in order to speak
  2857. “Uh… there looks like there’s magic on my arm. It feels tingly.”
  2858. >She blinks her eyes open to see, shutting them immediately
  2859. >“The tingling is natural. Don’t worry about shocks. I picked up both ends of a voltmeter with telekinesis and couldn’t get a reading. This should be completely safe.”
  2860. >This should be completely safe
  2861. >Famous last words
  2862. >Her horn’s glow intensifies slightly
  2863. >“I’m going to try pulling your arm twelve inches to your left. You’re going to feel a tugging sensation. Just relax and let it happen.”
  2864. >Against everything the back of your brain tells you to do, you leave your arm limp
  2865. >And then it starts moving, like gravity changed its mind and decided to go sideways
  2866. >NOPE
  2867. >NOPE
  2868. >ABANDON ALL NOPE, YE WHO ENTER HERE
  2869. “Stop!”
  2870. >You spoke forcefully, but not loudly
  2871. >It’s enough to get Twilight’s attention and remove the blob of shouldn’t
  2872.  
  2873.  
  2874. >Her eyes snap open, her horn stops glowing, and she tries desperately to see everything at once
  2875. >“What happened? Tell me everything that happened!”
  2876. >You sigh and lower your head into your hands while staring at the floor
  2877. “It- it felt so WRONG. It felt like you said it would, but it just felt so uncomfortable that I couldn’t let you do it.”
  2878. >Twilight interrogates you with all the compassion of a laboratory technician taking samples from a petri dish
  2879. >“Please, describe the discomfort.”
  2880. “It didn’t hurt, it just felt… I don’t know, it felt like something that shouldn’t be happening.”
  2881. >“Interesting… would you say it was a psychosomatic response as opposed to an actual physical sensation?”
  2882. “I guess? It was too weird. I didn’t like it.”
  2883. >“‘Weird’ in what sense?”
  2884. “Like... I felt like screaming. I can’t describe it. It was just this feeling of intense dread and fear.”
  2885. >“Was it a fear of anything in particular?”
  2886. “No. It was… it was like half of my instincts were telling me to run away as fast as I can, but the other half were telling me I should give up because it would be pointless to run or fight.”
  2887. >“Was it a fear of me?”
  2888. >There’s no good answer to that
  2889. >All you can do is stare at the floor
  2890. >“Jake…”
  2891. >She actually sounds worried
  2892. >A soft clopping sound approaches on the linoleum
  2893. >Two lavender pillars appear in your upper peripheral vision
  2894.  
  2895.  
  2896. >“Jake, why are you afraid of me? I don’t know why I’d ever want to hurt you.”
  2897. >You slowly lift your head, coming face to face with this impossible houseguest
  2898. >Her brows are raised high over her fist-sized eyes and the smile she had a moment ago has inverted itself, giving the impression of a dog that’s been scolded
  2899. >A promise is a promise
  2900. >Be honest
  2901. “I don’t know either, and you probably wouldn’t know while you’re doing it. Maybe you’d… you know, snap like you did a couple months ago. The moment you start using magic to hurt people, we’ll have no recourse. You could do anything you want to us because we can’t stop you, and you could cause problems we’d never be able to fix.”
  2902. >Twilight looks away, ashamed and pensive, then looks back a few seconds later
  2903. >“I might be able to teach you how to resist the effects of magic.”
  2904. >THERE’S A WAY TO RESIST MAGIC?!
  2905. “Tell me how to do that!”
  2906. >“Not yet. I need to know I can trust you with it.”
  2907. >PLS
  2908. >TWALOT, PLS
  2909. “How can I trust you with magic?”
  2910. >“You can’t. That’s why I’m asking you to be my test subject. I need you to know that you don’t have to fear me. If I told you how to resist magic now, it might ruin experiments. Please, trust me. I'd never do anything to hurt you.”
  2911. >That would've been comforting if you didn't catch her saying “at least not intentionally” under her breath
  2912. >Fuuuuck
  2913. >She’s going to give you her spellbooks eventually if you keep saying yes, but this might be a rough road to travel
  2914. “…I’ll do it.”
  2915.  
  2916.  
  2917. >Over the span of a few seconds, her expression does a total reversal
  2918. >“You mean that?”
  2919. “Yes.”
  2920. >Her smile only intensifies
  2921. >“5pm until dinner each day for magic testing, then 9pm until midnight for movies?”
  2922. “I have nothing planned for the entire summer. That time’s fine with me.”
  2923. >Hot DAMN is that a cute smile
  2924. >“Jake, I want to do something foolish and instinctive right now, but I’m not going to throw caution to the wind just yet. I’m going to cast a quick ‘visible magical particles’ spell and then touch your hand. Is that okay with you?”
  2925. >What’s she got planned?
  2926. “Uh, alright…”
  2927. >She steps back and casts the spell, forming a dome of light over each of her massive eyes, pure white except for a jet black silhouette of yourself
  2928. >You hold out your left hand for her to fondle and inspect
  2929. >This lasts for an uncomfortable half-minute as she studies your hand and holds it in various ways with her front hooves
  2930. >“Okay… it looks like extended contact with a human has no ill effects.”
  2931. >The light covering her eyes dissipates
  2932. >“NOW I can be foolish and instinctive.”
  2933. >Suddenly, she wraps both of her front legs around your torso and pulls you close with her head up against your chest
  2934. >“Thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you! You have no idea how much this means to me! I’m almost too excited to sleep! We are going to do so much science! THANK YOU!!”
  2935. >Um
  2936. >Alright, semi-consensual hugging
  2937. >That’s cool, that’s cool
  2938.  
  2939.  
  2940. >You hesitantly put one arm around the back of her neck and another around her head as gently as you can
  2941. >It seems to be an appreciated gesture and makes her snuggle up to you even closer
  2942. >She pulls away after a moment to make eye contact again, but lets you keep a grip on her
  2943. >“This is going to be the best kind of science. It’s MAGIC SCIENCE. Thank you!”
  2944. >One of your hands is directly above and behind her ears
  2945. >This is a once in a lifetime opportunity
  2946. >If she gets to test magic on you, you get to try something the internet told you you’d never get a chance to do
  2947. >She feels your fingers moving and perks up slightly
  2948. >“What are you-”
  2949. >Scratchie scratchie
  2950. >She leans back into your hand and closes her eyes
  2951. >“Mmmm… keep doing that.”
  2952. >Twicat is melting into incredible relaxation at your touch
  2953. >“A little to your left…”
  2954. “Do you realize that you’re acting like a housecat?”
  2955. >“I don’t care. This feels weirdly good. Keep going. Nnn…I’d be purring, but I can’t roll my ‘r’s very well. Yeah, right there... gooood human. Don't stop.”
  2956. >Who’s the pet here?
  2957. “Say ‘please.’”
  2958. >“Oh, please, don't stop... magic is like catnip to me. I’m gonna need a few minutes of this so I can relax and sleep tonight. Thank youuuuu...”
  2959.  
  2960.  
  2961. #IRCAddamsLocal
  2962. Server time 5/28/2013, 06:15
  2963.  
  2964.  
  2965. 06:15:10@Basement has signed on
  2966. 06:15:22@Basement: Good morning, Eliza. I’ll be up for breakfast in a couple of minutes, but I have a question I’d like answered first. Do you have a moment?
  2967. 06:15:35@ElizaLaptop: I have a bit of time. I don’t have to rush in to school like I usually do because we’re doing finals.
  2968. 06:15:41@Basement: Alright, I’m up to the section of Jake’s history textbook that deals with Islam. Forgive me if I'm saying something offensive, but Islam’s origin story is essentially the same as the story of Moses and the burning bush, then the story of Abraham and the Idolaters, and then Robin Hood. None of the news reports I’ve seen have said anything about Islam except that it’s the religion most commonly associated with terrorism. Why is something so prevalent and easily analogized never explained?
  2969. 06:15:54@ElizaLaptop: I never asked that question, myself. I don’t know. I only know Islam because I studied a bit of it to present it in one of my Sunday School classes.
  2970. 06:16:19@JakeLaptop has signed on
  2971. 06:16:27@ElizaLaptop: You’re up early. Did you sleep well?
  2972. 06:16:50@JakeLaptop: I was sleeping with my window open. The highway down the hill from here is a decent white noise machine until a truck comes by and is like BRRRRRRVT BRRRRRRR when it uses its brakes. Just checking in before I turn over and go to sleep again. How is everyone?
  2973.  
  2974.  
  2975. 06:16:50@Basement: I'm reading up on religions and wondering why humans seriously believe in ghosts.
  2976. 06:17:00@ElizaLaptop: I’m going to head out soon, and I know why humans ‘seriously believe in ghosts.’
  2977. 06:17:03@Basement: Would you please tell me? I can sort of understand wanting to live after death in circumstances when death is a real and present danger, but religion is popular even in communities of relative safety.
  2978. 06:17:16@ElizaLaptop: I’d prefer you read some scriptures and form your own opinion before I tell you mine. Jake, did you ever check your final grades for last semester?
  2979. 06:17:26@JakeLaptop: Hold on, let me do that right now…
  2980. 06:20:11@JakeLaptop: You’ve got to be shitting me. I thought I was going to have a good day today.
  2981. 06:20:20@ElizaLaptop: What’s wrong?
  2982. 06:20:42@JakeLaptop: I know you’re both concerned about Spike reading this and getting a potty mouth, but I’m going to swear as much as I want because this is some stupid shit. Professor Spadaccini gave me a flat 0% grade for his course.
  2983. 06:20:49@ElizaLaptop: He did? What happened?
  2984.  
  2985.  
  2986. 06:21:23@JakeLaptop: I used Wikipedia for a bit of research in my final paper. The paper that counted for the entire course’s grade. I didn’t cite it, and it was only for some stuff I couldn’t find anywhere else, but he failed me for it even though he said he values honesty. He wouldn’t have even known I’d used it if I hadn’t told him. I just dicked myself out of .5 of my GPA because I added seven words to an email as an afterthought. SEVEN WORDS. Nice guys really do finish last. Fuck.
  2987. 06:21:31@JakeLaptop: Oh, and I'm a lab rat for a crazy magician. I’m not really sure how I feel about that.
  2988. 06:21:33@Basement: I’m not crazy: I’m eccentric. And you’re a volunteer, not a test animal. You can call the tests off whenever you want.
  2989. 06:21:36@Basement: That reminds me of something. Eliza, I used telekinesis on your arm a while ago. Do you remember how it felt?
  2990. 06:21:38@JakeLaptop has signed off
  2991. 06:21:44@ElizaLaptop: Tingly.
  2992. 06:21:45@Basement: What was going through your mind when the magic was on your arm?
  2993. 06:21:59@ElizaLaptop: I knew it was an accident, but I still felt very strangely afraid. It was like how I’d heard one of my students had been involved in that triple murder that was linked to the bombing. It’s like the moment you receive an unpleasant surprise, but it lasts much longer.
  2994. 06:22:02@Basement: Very interesting… Jake had a similar response. I’d test if this is a response common among humans, but I don’t see any way to get a representative sample.
  2995.  
  2996.  
  2997.  
  2998. Part 5
  2999. >Saturday, June 1, 8:06pm, basement of Addams household
  3000. >Minimum of ~59.66 months to first rescue attempt
  3001. >You are Twilight Sparkle
  3002. >The weather on Earth is so uncontrolled that it’s almost pitiful
  3003. >The current outdoor temperature is 80 around degrees Fahrenheit, the local unit of measurement
  3004. >This is at SUNSET
  3005. >By Equestrian measure, that’s just over 110 degrees, and by anyone’s standards it’s too hot, too hot to handle…
  3006. >Curse Sinatra and his golden voice; you just got fifteen new songs stuck in your head
  3007. >And that doesn’t account for Ella’s vibrato and acappella improv, Louis’ rasp, and Holiday’s mournful tones
  3008. >It got up to a sweltering 90 degrees Fahrenheit earlier today
  3009. >It was even hotter yesterday when Jon and Eliza left for the weekend
  3010. >The day before that, there was a massive thunderstorm at 10pm which kept Spike awake
  3011. >In the central area of the country, it’s even worse
  3012. >Deluges have caused the two largest rivers on the continent to flood their banks
  3013. >In Equestria, there’s usually someone culpable for a flood (not counting the one that caused the Mino-Griffonic War)
  3014. >Bad weather management, unruly beavers, maybe a boat getting stuck and forming a dam
  3015. >Here…floods just happen
  3016. >Earth’s environment is almost completely out of control
  3017. >But humans don’t mind too much
  3018. >They cope, and they control what they can
  3019.  
  3020.  
  3021. >It’s hard not to applaud humans for their ingenuity
  3022. >Misdirected as it is most of the time, they come up with novel solutions to their problems using what little they have available
  3023. >For example, the Addams don’t own an air conditioning unit
  3024. >So instead, they have an electric fan in the window of Jon’s office that pulls cool air from the basement by way of the hallway and kitchen
  3025. >This essentially makes the entire house a single air conditioning unit
  3026. >To keep a consistent flow of air, they shut every other window and open the basement door
  3027. >It’s open
  3028. >You’re a screen door away from freedom
  3029. >If you wanted to run, you could
  3030. >But where would you go?
  3031. >Why leave?
  3032. >Everything you need is right here
  3033. >There’s no point in leaving
  3034. >Celestia wouldn’t approve unless you were somehow forced to leave, and you might not be able to convince Spike to come with you if you tried to run
  3035. >Leaving the house hasn’t done anything to wake you up from your supposed coma
  3036. >At 2am last night, you tried
  3037.  
  3038.  
  3039. >You swore to your hosts that you wouldn’t, but no harm was done and they don’t need to know if it’s not of any consequence
  3040. >It was just a quick jaunt outside
  3041. >Open the door, ascend the concrete stairwell, look at the stars, and enjoy the first time you’ve had open sky over your head in months
  3042. >You also tried out your new wings
  3043. >Between their lack of use and your inexperience, your short flight could be generously described as clumsy
  3044. >You barely managed to get onto the roof and take a look around
  3045. >That angular object you saw on the roof back in February was an adjustable antenna
  3046. >That would explain why the radio reception has been so good, but that's not the point
  3047. >Standing on top of the building felt liberating, as though you’d conquered your confinement
  3048. >You were outside
  3049. >Free, but you couldn’t leave
  3050. >A melancholic victory
  3051. >Partial credit is better than not answering a question
  3052. >It was the closest you’ve felt to home since you got here
  3053. >Fifteen minutes of sitting on the roof with nothing to keep you company except a collection of perpendicular metal rods strapped to a false chimney
  3054. >The moon was in its third quarter, and a rare asteroid pass-by had occurred earlier that day
  3055. >You sat
  3056. >You stared at the night sky
  3057. >You thought to yourself
  3058. >Home is up there
  3059. >Impossibly far away, and still so near to you
  3060. >You’ll return someday
  3061. >Someday
  3062.  
  3063.  
  3064. >But you couldn’t stay on the roof all night, as much as you’d wanted to
  3065. >Looking back to Earth, you took in your surroundings
  3066. >This is where you are
  3067. >Louis Armstrong seems to think this is a wonderful world
  3068. >Not something you can objectively agree with, but he’s not completely wrong
  3069. >The peaceful areas aren’t that bad
  3070. >If US/Russia tensions over the Syrian Civil War don’t escalate, this area will probably remain peaceful
  3071. >Your view from the rooftop wasn’t the most scenic, but you’d never seen anything like it with your own eyes
  3072. >Radio towers on a distant hill were blinking their lights to make them more visible to the infrequent sky traffic
  3073. >The highway you’d heard of was still in use at this hour of the morning, cars occasionally illuminating the asphalt as they rushed towards their destinations
  3074. >A water tower on a nearer hill jutted up from the landscape, interrupting the skyline
  3075. >And then, immediately around you, there was the neighborhood
  3076. >Just a human neighborhood
  3077. >Earth is losing its novelty now that you know you understand some of it
  3078. >Trees, grass, flower gardens, vegetable gardens, and intersecting streets with electrically powered lights for convenience
  3079. >All the houses are arranged in a neat grid pattern
  3080. >A nicely planned, peaceful neighborhood
  3081. >You could see yourself living here, if you were human
  3082.  
  3083.  
  3084. >Humans might have seen you on the roof
  3085. >Not that you have to worry about that
  3086. >Who would be up at that hour?
  3087. >Anyhuman that’s seen you has probably written it off as a sleep-deprived hallucination
  3088. >And you’re certain you weren’t seen
  3089. >Now that you know going outside won’t wake you up, you don’t have much reason to unless you feel homesick again
  3090. >If your idea that emotional pain represents physical pain is correct, then the opiates you thought you were getting must have kicked in by now
  3091. >Good; you’re not sure how much more distress you could take
  3092. >It’s actually sort of pleasant here
  3093. >HERE here, not Earth in general
  3094. >The Addams’ are nice people, and very accommodating
  3095. >You and Spike are new, alien, and supposedly impossible, but that doesn’t matter to them
  3096. >They took you in and gave you everything you needed
  3097. >They never asked you to leave, even though you were a bit of a nuisance at times
  3098. >The only part about you that they don’t seem totally at ease with is your magic
  3099. >Most of them seem to regard it as a curiosity more than a threat
  3100. >They always stop and stare whenever they see you doing magic
  3101. >Something about it just transfixes them
  3102. >It’s hard to imagine what it would be like, seeing magic for the first time after you’ve been told it’s impossible all your life
  3103. >For the most part, they’re reacting positively
  3104. >That’s not including their strange reactions to having magic used on them (more on that in a moment)
  3105.  
  3106.  
  3107. >Humans in general, well…
  3108. >They're bearable… for a species that seems to be on the verge of ‘World War 3’
  3109. >Just don’t preoccupy yourself with the news, like how Russia was evacuating their people from the embattled country of Syria as a US senator meets with the rebelling side of that civil war
  3110. >Every war the humans have had is civil war; they’ve only had wars within their species
  3111. >It’s their bible’s ‘Cain and Abel’ story, the first fratricide, repeating like a broken record
  3112. >The appeal of religion is a mystery to you; as far as you can tell, it’s just some of their philosophy repackaged into a fable with horribly inaccurate depictions of magic, plus a few rules and traditional practices
  3113. >You read about Islam on the ‘internet’ because it’s so prevalent in the news
  3114. >The two major denominations of Islam are at odds because they can’t agree on who the successor to their ‘prophet’ was
  3115. >Why should that matter if their beliefs remain fundamentally the same?
  3116. >You also read all the excerpts from Jake’s textbook and completed the abridged ‘bible’ in a single day
  3117. >Both books had the same conclusion regarding murder, though ‘Vice and Virtue in Everyday Life’ had an unexpectedly broad range of opinions
  3118. >Immanuel Kant’s ‘Categorical Imperative’ was appealing, whereas Thomas Hobbes drove you away with a worse view of human behavior than your own
  3119. >Overall, humans DO seem to follow the same rules as the ones that sustain Harmony
  3120.  
  3121.  
  3122. >Humans tend to agree that killing each other is wrong outside of some very exceptional situations
  3123. >How they keep getting themselves into those circumstances is another point of confusion
  3124. >It’s not like they can’t stop
  3125. >Why don't they follow their own rules?
  3126. >Bad: some of the jazz and the national anthem of the United States have sinister connotations, if your theory of interaction between your dream and the events occurring around you in the waking world is accurate
  3127. >Those songs might point towards a serious medical complication, and Luna may be absent if your idea of this world being internal and symbolic is correct
  3128. >‘Fly Me to the Moon’ and ‘Stariway to the Stars’ could mean that Luna is on (or worse, needs to be imprisoned in) the moon again
  3129. >If she somehow became Nightmare Moon again, you’re absolutely NEEDED back home
  3130. >You hope you’re misinterpreting that, and it’s just her reaffirming your assumption that she can leave discreet messages for you
  3131. >The US national anthem doesn’t leave room for misinterpretation
  3132. >This country won its independence in a rebellion spurred by unfair taxation
  3133. >This is reflected in an ode to a battle that lasted all night
  3134. >On the dawn of the next day, their flag was still raised over the fort they defended, defiant of the bursting bombs and streaking rockets that had illuminated it during the night
  3135. >Oh say can you see/By the dawn’s early light/What so proudly we hailed/at the twilight’s last gleaming?
  3136. >Twilight’s last gleaming
  3137.  
  3138.  
  3139. >You might have heard the doctors around your comatose body say that you’re in terminal condition
  3140. >That would be bad
  3141. >That would be VERY bad
  3142. >Everything you learned will be lost
  3143. >Singlehoofedly advancing the state of science and technology by centuries won’t matter much if you wake up to find you didn’t actually do it
  3144. >Salvageable, if inconvenient
  3145. >You’d just have to repeat yourself and hope you remember everything correctly
  3146. >But if you die, all you know dies with you
  3147. >Your death would be even more tragic for all the avenues of possibility it closes off
  3148. >And no-one would know what they’d be missing
  3149. >You need to get home
  3150. >The sooner, the better
  3151. >The letter from Rainbow Dash said that the changeling told the truth
  3152. >Your friends think they’re culpable for sending you to another universe
  3153. >It’s slightly easier to believe than somehow taking yourself to a parallel universe, but you’re at a loss for how they might have done that
  3154. >The dream theory stands on the grounds that you don’t know how they could possibly have enough magic to do such a thing and the sheer similarities of these two universes
  3155. >Probability is still on your side
  3156. >How you got here doesn’t matter right now
  3157. >You need to get home
  3158. >Something bad might be happening in Equestria
  3159. >Possibly a threat to the Princesses
  3160.  
  3161.  
  3162. >If you are hearing things around you in the waking world, all this talk of explosives and war point toward something terrible happening
  3163. >The bearer of the Element of Magic has been taken out of the picture
  3164. >5 to 20 years might be too late
  3165. >One way or another, wakefulness or physical transportation, you need to get back to Equestria
  3166. >This is the worst dream you’ve ever had, even with the pain dulled
  3167. >Come to think of it, Sombra’s doorway to an illusion of your greatest fear could still be…
  3168. >No, don’t get preoccupied again
  3169. >You’re past that
  3170. >And the months between that and your coronation were too pleasant for that to be plausible
  3171. >Even if this is real, it’s not like Equestria would get into another war
  3172. >That’s not possible
  3173. >The talk of war and bombs has to be symbolic of something else
  3174. >Finally, just to round things out and relate this to the movie you’re watching tonight
  3175. >Ugly: The movies you’ve watched with Jake have ‘horses’ being driven around in painful harnesses
  3176. >It hurts to look at them
  3177. >It also hurts to think of the bodycount of the movies you’ve seen so far
  3178. >Humans are dying left and right in those movies, and nobody except the coffin-maker in ‘A Fistful of Dollars’ seems to care
  3179. >That movie also included some creative disturbing of the dead: two corpses are used as decoys to lure opposing gangs into a fight over some ‘informants,’ both of those informants actually being the corpses propped up to look like they’re asleep
  3180.  
  3181.  
  3182. >The moral of the first couple of movies were questionable as well
  3183. >‘Fort Apache’ teaches that it’s prestigious to die in battle, even if it’s a fight you started without good reason, and ‘The Searchers’ seems to be entirely about how people who are different are bad
  3184. >Those two films have a historically abused ethnicity as the villains, for some reason
  3185. >The line in ‘The Searchers’ about how a specific tribe of Aboriginal Americans would ride their horses to death and then eat them is something you’re assured is an exaggeration
  3186. >That movie did have an interesting intro about how the film crew needed to film in an area with no telephones, but the fact that humans have ever considered eating horse meat is off-putting
  3187. >What’s worse is that they still do it
  3188. >There was a scandal earlier this year about a food company using horse meat instead of its advertised meat
  3189. >You're not sure how you hadn't heard of it
  3190. >Humans do look down on people who eat horse, so that’s a small comfort
  3191. >You don’t have to worry about getting eaten
  3192. >Besides, you’re supposed to be concentrating on the testing Jake volunteered to undergo
  3193. >If you figure out all the nuances of how humans can influence your magic, you might be able to get yourself home
  3194. >The trick is to do this in a way that doesn’t reveal that they can influence your magic, or to determine that they won’t abuse their influence if they find out about that
  3195. >Easier said than done
  3196.  
  3197.  
  3198. >If magic trips Jake’s fight or flight instinct every time, you’ll never get past the most basic of tests, and he’ll never trust you with magic
  3199. >He already said he’d refuse to participate in tests that have effects which can’t be treated by human medicine
  3200. >That means nothing but telekinetic spells (for now) and no attempts to remove the ‘shared eye’ enchantment under the pretense of removing an enchantment that was part of a test
  3201. >It’s disappointing, but you were ready for that
  3202. >It’s still science
  3203. >Finding out you’re wrong isn’t so bad if you can use it to find out what’s right
  3204. >“StopstopstopSTOP!”
  3205. >There it goes again
  3206. >The magic around his arm dissipates for the fiftieth time this evening
  3207. >You’ve already told him more than you’re comfortable with him knowing
  3208. >He’s going to connect the dots and realize he’s already resisting your magic any day now
  3209. >Without his instinctive aversion to having magic used on him, it probably would have been sooner
  3210. >Figuring out how to harness a human’s ability to amplify magic without their knowledge is looking increasingly unlikely
  3211. >5 to 20 years is how long you’re probably going to have to wait
  3212. >It might not even be mathematically possible to use humans’ magic influence to teleport that far
  3213. >Whatever happens in Equestria between now and then will be something you can’t stop
  3214. >You release the charge you’ve been manipulating with your horn and open your eyes again
  3215.  
  3216.  
  3217. >He’s sitting on the spare bed you’ve occupied for most of your stay here, shaking with fear from some instinctive reaction he never knew he had
  3218. >A choir of crickets is chirping outside, mocking your desperate attempts at magic
  3219. >A forlorn sigh escapes you
  3220. “How far did I move your arm this time?”
  3221. >It takes him a moment to collect himself
  3222. >Even then, he’s not very collected, panting and sweating uncontrollably as he usually does between your attempted castings
  3223. >It smells like human sweat down here
  3224. >And that’s with the fan going and the doors open
  3225. >“It- two.”
  3226. “Jake, I know this is hard, but would you please give me a unit of measurement?”
  3227. >“Feet. Two feet.”
  3228. >Four times further than your first attempt
  3229. >Progress is slow, but any progress is good
  3230. “Do you want to call this off for now?”
  3231. >“No.”
  3232. >This is thanks in no small part to his tenacity/emotional masochism
  3233. “Are you sure?”
  3234. >“Yes.”
  3235. “Are you SURE that you’re sure?”
  3236. >“Yes.”
  3237. “Are you just saying that?”
  3238. >“Ye- no. No.”
  3239. >He said “yes” first
  3240. >Revising answers isn’t allowed right now
  3241. “Do you know what time it is?”
  3242. >“No.”
  3243.  
  3244.  
  3245. >You wiggle the ‘mouse’ input device of your ‘computer’ around, taking it out of standby mode
  3246. >Unlike the ‘television’ remote, this seems to be the most magically reliable object you’ve ever had the chance to use
  3247. >It as easy to use telekinesis on this as it is on any item you from Equestria, if not easier
  3248. >One more thing to be thankful for
  3249. >After the second of warm-up, the main ‘screen’ of the ‘computer’ is active
  3250. >You move the cursor onto the ‘task bar’s’ digital clock, then click it to enlarge it into a representation of an analog clock
  3251. “It’s past eight. We’ve been doing this 50 percent longer than usual.”
  3252. >His response never comes
  3253. >He just sits there, panting
  3254. “Why do you put yourself through this? I can’t enjoy this if it’s going to be so unpleasant for you, so don’t say it’s for me.”
  3255. >He finally collects himself enough to speak full sentences
  3256. >“I- I need to know how to resist magic.”
  3257. “I’m not a threat. Please, just trust me. This… reflex, or whatever you want to call it, it’s not helping you.”
  3258. >Though it may have helped his ancestors
  3259. >He doesn’t respond to your statement, giving you a moment to think
  3260. >You’re piecing together what may have made this an alternate universe
  3261.  
  3262.  
  3263. >Humans gained the ability to amplify or nullify the effects of magic at some point in their evolution, something they must have lacked on the planet you called home
  3264. >Without this, they went extinct in your universe
  3265. >Here, they used it to prevent breeding in flora and fauna that were evolutionarily affected by magic
  3266. >For example, manticores are part mammal, part arachnid
  3267. >Without the influence of magic, they wouldn’t develop properly in-utero
  3268. >Scorpions don’t give live birth, after all
  3269. >This also explains why there is so much ambient magic; creatures that would have had a dependence on magic were born in such limited numbers that they had less opportunity to absorb the magic around them
  3270. >Humans may have also used this ability to hunt herds of early unicorns, prevent early pegasi from resting on clouds at night, and prevented other species from evolving to a level of basic intelligence
  3271. >The variant of the fight or flight instinct you keep triggering may have been a leftover from this time
  3272. >It may also explain why objects from Earth are so difficult to influence with magic, even outside of human presence; they’ve been exposed to the collective will of humanity to resist magic for eons, if not longer
  3273.  
  3274.  
  3275. >There’s no way to verify any of this, but you’re not about to research time-traveling spells to find out if there’s a way to visit this brutal period of history
  3276. >It would at least explain how they have accurate depictions of creatures that don’t exist here
  3277. >Humans recalled the most threatening creatures of prehistory from genetic memory
  3278. >The one thing these creatures had in common was magic, which was also the primary method of defense in herds of early unicorns
  3279. >A human’s reaction to magic could be an outdated warning, like a predator avoiding colorful frogs because they might be poisonous long after those frogs have lost their ability to produce poison
  3280. >But if this is the case, where are the fossils?
  3281. >Could a human disintegrate a magical being by sheer willpower?
  3282. >No, it’s best not to get preoccupied with possibilities like that
  3283. >Just do science
  3284. “Can I try the telekinesis spell again?”
  3285. >He holds out his arm
  3286. >It’s always the left arm, and he always says the same two words such determination
  3287. >Almost as though he’s convinced he’ll be able to hold it together this time
  3288. >“Do it.”
  3289. “Here goes…”
  3290.  
  3291.  
  3292. >You shut your eyes and concentrate
  3293. >Your horn overflows with magic, focused at the point of highest efficiency for telekinesis spells
  3294. >The focus intensifies in precision with Jake’s desire to have this be the time that he doesn’t tell you to stop
  3295. >As you picture the action you want to happen, the focus begins wavering violently
  3296. >You can barely keep it close enough to the intended point of focus for the spell to continue
  3297. >No less than five seconds in, he’s calling for you to stop again
  3298. >You always have to do what he says in this situation
  3299. >He might start to panic and struggle against the magic, tipping him off to the fact that he already has a considerable resistance
  3300. >You release the charge and open your eyes
  3301. >Jake’s panting and in a cold sweat again
  3302. >You wait for him to recover before speaking
  3303. >A gurgle in your stomach changes the question you were about to ask from “Do you feel any less afraid than you did during earlier tests?” to “What’s for dinner?”
  3304. “Jake, please, let’s stop for the night. If not for your sake, then for dinner’s sake. I’m getting hungry, and I bet Spike is too…”
  3305. >“No. Keep going.”
  3306. >Time to put your hoof down
  3307. >Gently
  3308. >Tonight’s been stressful enough
  3309.  
  3310.  
  3311. “All this adrenaline is going to ruin your immune system. Please, we need to stop.”
  3312. >“I can try a few more times. Keep going.”
  3313. >Okay, not as gently, but still gently
  3314. “I’m not going to.”
  3315. >“Keep going.”
  3316. “I’m sorry, but I can’t do that. I’d be doing more harm than good for either of us. We’re done for the day. That’s final.”
  3317. >It’s hard to say, but you’re determined to keep him from hurting himself on your behalf
  3318. >Frankly, this is all about your attempt to harness the ‘T. Sparkle Antimagic Field’ to get yourself home
  3319. >You still can’t let him do this with a clean conscience
  3320. >Jake leans off of the bed and falls to his knees, begging to you from eye level in a calm but desperate tone
  3321. >“I need to know how to resist magic! It’s not fair like this. You could use magic on me whenever you want, and I couldn’t do anything about it!”
  3322. >If he only knew
  3323. >If only you could tell him
  3324. >If only you didn’t need to repeat this to him
  3325. >It’s exasperating
  3326. “You don’t have to fear me. I haven’t hurt a human before, and I’m not going to change that.”
  3327. >“But you could, and no one could stop you! I can’t trust you like this. You’re emotionally unstable and armed to the teeth.”
  3328.  
  3329.  
  3330. >Jake’s right about the emotional instability
  3331. >You have been a little… erratic
  3332. >Yeah, that’s a good enough word for the situation
  3333. >But armed?
  3334. >With what?
  3335. “I’m not going to lie, you have me on the first bit. But what weapon do I have? I’m literally naked!”
  3336. >“…I didn’t need to remember that you’re naked, thank you.”
  3337. “Sorry. What’s this about being armed, though?”
  3338. >He points to your desk
  3339. >“Those spellbooks over there probably have a million ways to-”
  3340. >Need to interrupt him there
  3341. >He’s thinking about this all wrong
  3342. >You put up a forehoof to silence him
  3343. “Don’t finish that sentence. My horn is not a weapon. It’s a tool.”
  3344. >“So are guns.”
  3345. >Uh, no
  3346. >Your hoof comes back down to make room for the ‘Worst Comparison of the Year Award’ nominee
  3347. “Can you write a letter by shooting a gun?”
  3348. >A deadpan question with an obvious answer
  3349. >Not something he was expecting you to ask, but it has the intended effect of putting him off balance
  3350. >“…Okay, so guns are tools without as many uses as your horn. My point is that you have a head cannon…er, forehead pistol, and I can’t protect myself against that.”
  3351. >This guy really IS like Shining Armor
  3352. >That’s the exact mental process that you’d expect from your sibling
  3353. >You sit down and start rubbing your temples with your forehooves to alleviate the headache that the spellcasting and this argument have brought on
  3354.  
  3355.  
  3356. “Ugh… you’re thinking like my brother, and that reminds me of him in a bad way. Life is not a series of things you have to defend yourself against.”
  3357. >“How can I be sure I’d never have to defend myself against you? I’m pleading with a purple talking magical pony who thinks the entire planet is out to kill her. You could snap again.”
  3358. >And now you’re off balance
  3359. >A stiff breeze just came through and knocked you both over into a tangled heap of an impasse
  3360. “I- alright, I admit that you can’t be sure. But please, trust me anyway.”
  3361. >“I won’t let you give me Stockholm Syndrome. Your smile is cute, but that’s not enough.”
  3362. “I don’t know what that- hold on.”
  3363. >You don’t know what that is, but the ‘internet’ does
  3364. >You look behind yourself to see your ‘computer’
  3365. >This is the most useful human invention ever, as far as you’re concerned
  3366. >Years from now, everyone in Equestria should have a machine like this connected to an Equestrian ‘internet’
  3367. >It’s almost enough to redeem humans as a species
  3368. >Almost
  3369. >As with most of their inventions, it’s the use humans find for it that ruins your impression
  3370. >Humans might not be naturally telepathic
  3371. >With what they’ve made, it seems to imply that they want to circumvent their physical and magical limitations to emulate telepathy
  3372.  
  3373.  
  3374. >The internet is humanity’s collective mind, converted into an unimaginably long series of yes/no algorithms
  3375. >And so much of that logic is used for pornography and pointless arguments
  3376. >If it’s just the matter of renting a ‘server’ and registering a ‘page,’ it’s going to be anarchy regardless of which species is using it
  3377. >It’s also very unreliable
  3378. >The ‘Wait Wait, Don’t Tell Me’ radio show said the words “my little pony” in that order earlier today
  3379. >That's the exact phrase Celestia uses to refer to her subjects, so you tried to research that phrase on the ‘internet’
  3380. >It simply wouldn’t work
  3381. >You ended up taking Jake at his word that it’s a line of dolls for young girls
  3382. >He seemed strangely nervous when you asked him about that…
  3383. >It’s also strange that Jake mentioned a ‘Pony Express’ delivery service when you asked him about how communication worked in the Western Frontier
  3384. >It just sort of came up during ‘For a Few Dollars More’ when the robbers destroyed a ‘telegraph’ wire
  3385. >You’d never heard of it because all the ‘web pages’ that related to it were inaccessible to you
  3386. >The internet seems to malfunction as you ‘load’ a ‘page,’ never before or after
  3387. >If you can get the ‘page,’ any content on it is fine
  3388. >The only exceptions to that rule are some images on ‘YouTube’
  3389. >Odd, but you have something to check on ‘Wikipedia’
  3390. >The ‘computer’ hasn’t resumed its automatic standby mode yet, so you quickly pull up a ‘search engine’ without moving a muscle
  3391.  
  3392.  
  3393. >You enter the phrase Jake just spoke and get immediate results
  3394. >‘Stockholm Syndrome’ was discovered during a bank robbery in Stockholm, Sweden
  3395. >The robbers had avoided hurting the bank employees, who were distressed and behaving irrationally
  3396. >Because of this, the employees that were taken hostage ended up sympathizing with and even aiding their captors, mistaking lack of abuse for kindness
  3397. >Jake thinks he’s your captive?
  3398. >Returning your attention to him, it sure looks like that’s what he believes
  3399. >This situation is a social Mobius strip
  3400. >He thinks you’re in control, but he’s controlling you!
  3401. >Neither of you are in control, and you’re exasperated because he’s using a bad analogy again
  3402. “No, it’s not like that at all! I don’t want you to trust me just because I haven’t hurt you! I want to tell you how to resist magic, but I don’t know if I can yet. Just… please. Don’t be afraid of me because I’m a master of re-weaving String Theory. I know better than to abuse my gifts.”
  3403. >Jake isn’t swayed at all by this
  3404. >You thought that link between magic theory and the human theory of matter would be impressive, but it fell flat
  3405. >Time to compromise and lose some ground again…
  3406. “We don’t have to get through a full battery of testing. I just need to know I can trust you and everyone you might tell. I’m cancelling any further testing unless we can find a way to do this without hurting you. It was exciting at first, but this isn’t what I wanted it to be like.”
  3407.  
  3408.  
  3409. >NOW it looks like he’s more comfortable, but disappointed as well
  3410. >He brushes off his knees and goes back to sitting on your bed
  3411. >“Can I at least get a look at your spellbooks?”
  3412. “No.”
  3413. >“Why not? Didn’t you say you’d be less afraid of war if you understood it?”
  3414. “That’s different. There’s no way to simply resist the effects of war, and you’d just figure out how to resist magic on your own if I gave you any of those books. That would be as bad as telling you before I know you’re trustworthy.”
  3415. >He’s annoyed, but that’s the price of secrecy
  3416. >“Okay, fine. Fair enough. I still prefer to have head-based firepower relegated to the realm of obscure patents and Laputan machines.”
  3417. “Guns on people’s heads? Seriously?”
  3418. >“I recall that someone made a helmet mounted gun with a bite-switch for a trigger, but I think that’s the closest we’ll ever get to making a true skull-gun. There are crazy ideas, and then there are crazy ideas that are too impractical to even consider. I’ll say it again: humankind is not all about violence.”
  3419. “I’m willing to believe that, but cranial firearms? That’s too ridiculous to be true.”
  3420. >You turn to the computer and enter a few phrases about head and helmet mounted guns while making a mental note to look up machines from ‘Laputa’ when you get the chance
  3421. >There are actual results
  3422. >Enough for you to spend several minutes browsing around while Jake watches over your withers
  3423.  
  3424.  
  3425. >Head-guns are a thing now, it seems
  3426. >And they’ve been a thing since 1916, when someone named Albert Bacon Pratt patented one
  3427. “The simple fact that a human got that idea in the first place is the sort of thing that makes me question your species’ technological priorities.”
  3428. >Jake is absolutely intrigued by what he sees
  3429. >“Huh. I only knew of the one that was patented in the fifties. I didn’t realize that Knight’s Armament Company tried to revive the concept a couple of years ago.”
  3430. “That’s irrelevant. Humans are wasting a criminal amount of potential on trying to find new, exotic ways to kill each other. All the things you’ve done without magic, and so much of it is for violence. That’s like, uh…”
  3431. >Try to think up a better analogy than the ones he's made
  3432. >Hmm…
  3433. >He should be able to understand this one
  3434. “…Like having as much literature as humans have now, but without written language. Except instead of stories and prose, there are only ‘yo mama’ jokes. Don’t you get it? Humans are a fish out of water that won’t choke, and this is what your species chooses to do?”
  3435. >“Do you know who Mikhail Kalashnikov is?”
  3436. “No.”
  3437. >“Look him up.”
  3438. >A quick search later, the ‘search engine’ presents you with the ‘online’ encyclopedia’s ‘page’ on that specific human
  3439.  
  3440.  
  3441. >He was a citizen of the Soviet Union, and commanded a tank crew in the second World War until he was injured in combat
  3442. >While recovering, he designed a firearm that caught the attention of a Soviet design bureau and was taken into their employ
  3443. >His next design became what is regarded as the most ubiquitous firearm in the world, which has taken countless lives in the service of criminals, terrorists, and conquerors
  3444. >It would be hard to find a more stereotypical human
  3445. >You didn’t say anything, but the look of condemnation that’s come across you prompts Jake to joke about the article you’re reading
  3446. >“I know, right? That’s the most Soviet thing ever. He could have written a novel or something while he was in the hospital, but he was like, ‘Servant of glorious motherland and most excellent Comrade Stalin must never rest! I make weapon for to destroy fascist invaders!’ At least that’s what their propaganda said. Who knows if that story isn’t made up?”
  3447. “…Why did you show me this? Are you trying to prove me right?”
  3448. >“Trying to prove you wrong, actually. Scroll down to the quotes.”
  3449. >Doing as Jake says, you change the display’s contents to the bottom of the ‘page’
  3450. >Kalashnikov has intense regret for his role in the world
  3451. >All he wanted was to protect his homeland
  3452. >He would have preferred to make farming tools
  3453. >“On a related note, do you know who Einstein is?”
  3454. >Einstein is to atomic physics as Starswirl is to magic
  3455. >Nothing tops Starswirl, but Einstein is in your top 10
  3456.  
  3457.  
  3458. >You turn away from the computer to speak to Jake, but you’re not sure how he relates
  3459. “Of course! Albert Einstein is one of the most famous atomic physicists.”
  3460. >“And a lead scientist for the Manhattan Project. Without him, America might not have been able to build the first atom bomb.”
  3461. >That puts Einstein in a bit of a different light
  3462. >You’d only seen his equations and snippets of his biography
  3463. >And seriously, MANhattan?
  3464. >You've heard the name before, but a portmanteau of HUMAN and MANEHATTAN?
  3465. >Why would they have places named after their species if there aren’t other species to differentiate themselves from?
  3466. >Why do they have a large, copper and iron statue in the same pose as the one off the southwest coast of Manehattan Island?
  3467. >Why is it in the same location as the one in Manehattan?
  3468. >Why are all the other cities with similar names in the same place as their counterparts?
  3469. >Why, why, why?
  3470. >Either this is a dream, or every global civilization forms identically
  3471. >Probability isn’t supposed to work that way
  3472. >One tiny change today can mean a massive difference a million years later
  3473. >War should be the least of the differences
  3474. >In any case, Einstein may be to blame for the most destructive weapon of human history
  3475. >This comes as a bit of a shock to you
  3476. >“…You did know he worked on the H-bomb, right?”
  3477. “I can’t say I did. Wow, um…”
  3478.  
  3479.  
  3480. >“I bet you’ve never heard his quote about how he wished he’d known his future when he was younger. He said, ‘If I’d only known, I would have been a watchmaker.’ The guy was a pacifist, and he had to design the first nuke or risk having the Axis make the war even bloodier than it already was. Circumstances dictate that we need things for war, so we make weapons.”
  3481. “But circumstances are the product of past choices. Humans could choose to end war!”
  3482. >“Can we, really? We’ve got all these problems that we go to war over, and... you know what the Gordian Knot is, right?”
  3483. >Perhaps civilizations do form the same way, and this is a vision of p0nykind's future...
  3484. >No, stop getting sidetracked!
  3485. >Now it sounds like he’s making an analogy that’s NOT totally wrong
  3486. >About time
  3487. “That’s the inextricable rope puzzle that Alexander the Great of Macedonia solved by cutting it in half. I’ve heard of it.”
  3488. >“Our problems are one big knot. Loosen one rope, and another tightens. We’ll never be able to untie it, and I sure can’t think of a good way to get the sword that can cut it apart.”
  3489. >He says things like this so matter-of-factly
  3490. >Does he really think this is a lost cause?
  3491. “Jake, has there ever been a concerted, species-wide effort to solve these problems? It’s not like humans don’t have the resources to do that.”
  3492.  
  3493.  
  3494. >“The only way to get us all coordinated like that is to make humans a homogenous group. There are simply too many types and cultures of humans to do that.”
  3495. “But Equestria is diverse, and we cooperate just fine. We even allow the non-independent sentient species to live in Equestria. Why can’t humans cooperate within their own species?”
  3496. >“I skipped ahead a bit in that history book and looked up how many p0nies are believed to be alive right now. Organizing the equivalent of Europe and North America’s combined population is impressive, but it’s easier than organizing the entire planet.”
  3497. “It might be harder, but why not try?”
  3498. >“Harder? You’re making a massive understatement. We’d have to commit multiple genocides if we wanted to even start coordinating on that level. I don’t mean normal genocide. It would be cultural genocide, killing people from the inside out until they’ve lost all sense of identity. We’d be humans that act like ants, or bees, or whatever. We’d stop being people, and by your definition, we’d be dead. We might as well go nuke ourselves.”
  3499. >He’s using your definition of sentience and intelligence against you
  3500. >Try and get him to revisit an earlier statement
  3501.  
  3502.  
  3503. “So you admit that war would drive your species to extinction?”
  3504. >“Could. It hasn’t. President Kennedy famously said ‘Mankoind must put an end to wah, or wah will put an end to mankoind!’ And yes, he did speak in a ridiculous Boston accent all the time. Years later, the Cold War ended peacefully, creating a relatively tranquil political atmosphere. War didn’t end us, and we can’t end war. Let me know when the next big arms race happens so we can find out if JFK’s still wrong.”
  3505. “…You actually thought through all this, didn’t you?”
  3506. >“Sure did. When the solution is to make Earth one big termite mound, is the problem worth solving? Hell, is it even a problem? We’ve been at war since prehistory. Even in the Nuclear Age, it’s a sustainable practice. Why stop now?”
  3507. >He’s SMILING at you as though he’s proud to be a human
  3508. >Yeah, you’re not convincing him otherwise
  3509. >Not tonight, at least
  3510. >Silence fills the basement, the crickets outside continuing to mock your enfeebled magic and jeering your loss of the argument
  3511. >Forehooves come unbidden to your temples again, trying to massage away your renewed headache
  3512. >Am I blue?/You’d be, too/if every plan that you had/done fell through
  3513. >These human songs are too catchy, and too often do they remind you of home
  3514. >Sapphire Shores and Aretha Franklin have nearly identical singing voices
  3515. >You’ll be hearing more of Aretha than Sapphire over the next few years
  3516. >This bootstrap attempt at getting home is a failure
  3517. >As expected
  3518.  
  3519.  
  3520. >You should probably call these tests off indefinitely and just see if befriending all of your hosts gets you full control of your magic
  3521. >That’s the most you can hope for
  3522. >Whatever is about to happen in Equestria is going to occur outside of your presence
  3523. >Dejectedly, you sigh and break the silence
  3524. “Please scratch behind my ears again.”
  3525. >This is your non-chemical antidepressant (Note to self: test if human fingers secrete mood-altering chemicals/can be used for mind reading)
  3526. >Human fingers are practically MADE for this
  3527. >The fingernails are just large enough to scratch an itch without getting in the way of the massaging digits
  3528. >His fingers part your mane and give you two full minutes of bliss
  3529. >It feels so goooood…
  3530. “Ahh… Thank you. That’s enough for now.”
  3531. >You’re somewhat happier than you felt a moment ago, your frustration overwhelmed by sensation
  3532. >It’s tempting to ask him to return his hand to your scalp again
  3533. >“I’m surprised you let me do that.”
  3534. “You don’t know how good it feels.”
  3535.  
  3536.  
  3537. >“What do you want for dinner? I was thinking of going out to pick something up. Any type of restaurant you’d prefer?”
  3538. “Anywhere that serves salad.”
  3539. >“That’d be just about everywhere. Are you still considering eating meat?”
  3540. “No. Not really. I mean, I’m kind of considering it, but it doesn’t sit well with me. Even if it’s not an intelligent creature, it still used to be alive, you know?”
  3541. >“I’ll get you a garden salad. I think I’ll go to that Italian place down the hill.”
  3542. “You mean ‘Cucina Josefina?’”
  3543. >Oops
  3544. >You’d seen him go past that one occasionally by using the ‘shared eye’ spell, but none of your hosts have so much as mentioned it
  3545. >“How do you know about that restaurant?”
  3546. >Think fast, think fast!
  3547. >‘Online’ map service has a function that allows you to see what a camera truck took pictures of as it drove around
  3548. >Other plausible answer is to admit you went onto the roof last night
  3549. >Former answer less likely to reduce trust
  3550. >Lack of trust = magic becomes useless
  3551. >Need magic
  3552. >NEED TRUST
  3553. “Uh… I’m getting into the habit of pretending to take a walk by using ‘Google Streetview!’ I’ve gone past it a few times. It just came to mind because I remembered that Jon's allergies mean we don't get much Istallion food.”
  3554. >You are a horrible liar
  3555. >But he buys it
  3556. >“Oh, okay. You had me worried for a second. I’m going to take a quick shower and head out.”
  3557. >Jake tromps his way up the stairs
  3558. >The delivery on that lie was terrible
  3559. >Why does he seem to be accepting it so readily?
  3560.  
  3561.  
  3562. Steam Chat
  3563. [BerberB X][NagromSreip X][redleader27 X]
  3564. BerberB
  3565. In-Game
  3566. Combat Mission (that old WWII RTS that I modded so the Soviets represent c…
  3567. ---------------------
  3568. BerberB: Hey.
  3569. BerberB: Hey.
  3570. BerberB: What are you up to?
  3571. BerberB: Evan said you’re acting like Barbara Streisand. I didn’t know what that meant until a few minutes ago.
  3572. BerberB: The more you try to hide something that we’d pass up as insignificant, the more curious we’ll get.
  3573. BerberB: You got something you don’t want to tell us about?
  3574. BerberB: Something like a rape dungeon, or a human trafficking station?
  3575. PainedUlnar: It’s not harming anyone.
  3576. BerberB: So that’s a yes?
  3577.  
  3578.  
  3579. BerberB: Not to the rape dungeon or human trafficking, I mean.
  3580. BerberB: We won’t call DHS if you’re sheltering an illegal alien.
  3581. BerberB: Just tell us. This is like a Ratte Land Battleship-sized elephant in the room.
  3582. PainedUlnar: You wouldn’t believe me.
  3583. BerberB: Try me.
  3584. PainedUlnar: No, you don’t get it. I wouldn’t believe anyone who told me this had happened to them, either.
  3585. BerberB: So tell me anyway.
  3586. PainedUlnar: I’ll consider it.
  3587. PainedUlnar: The last thing I need is for more people to know about this. It’s going to cause huge amounts of trouble for everyone if it goes public. I’d have to make you swear on your life not to tell anyone. Literally on your life.
  3588. PainedUlnar: I mean it. This is the real ‘I’d tell you, but I’d have to kill you’ type of shit.
  3589. BerberB: You just found out your parents are spies, didn’t you? Did you find a folder labeled “spy stuff” on their desktop?
  3590. PainedUlnar: Not even close. This is nothing like the 2010 spy swap. It’s bigger than that. Just know that no harm is going to come to anyone or anything if this stays under wraps. I’m not saying any more.
  3591. ---------------------
  3592. |
  3593. ---------------------
  3594. Last message received: Friday, May 31, 2013 at 2:38 PM
  3595.  
  3596.  
  3597.  
  3598. Part 6
  3599.  
  3600. >Day ‘not grounded’ on Earth
  3601. >You are Spike
  3602. >What time is it?
  3603. >It’s
  3604. >Wow, it’s past eight at night
  3605. >No wonder I’m so hungry
  3606. >Time flies when you’re having fun.
  3607. >And it crawls when we’re grounded for one of your stupid ideas
  3608. >I thought it was a good idea, okay?
  3609. >So many of your good ideas are terrible ideas
  3610. >It’s a wonder that I let you do any of them
  3611. >Yeah? Well… nyuh. Whatever. We’re playing videogames and having fun again.
  3612. >No thanks to your idea to get shrunk
  3613. >YES thanks to my idea to get shrunk. We still got the grounding shortened.
  3614. >Well, we got covered in blood from Jake’s foot
  3615. >That was probably the grossest thing ever
  3616. >I’ll agree with you there. Blood’s pretty gross.
  3617.  
  3618. >You make Banjo and Kazooie jump across the platforms skull-shaman guy magic’d to be larger
  3619. >This level is dinosaur-themed
  3620. >You always thought dinosaurs were cool
  3621. >They’re like dragons, but not as dragon-y
  3622. >Also, they’re not jerks like the guys that made you steal that phoenix egg
  3623. >Time to take the glowy-thingy to buffalo-dress lady so she can make Banjo and Kazooie into a dinosaur
  3624. >It’s kind of weird thinking of Banjo-Kazooie as Banjo AND Kazooie, but that’s something this game does
  3625. >Last game, bird-lady never left the backpack
  3626. >Now she’s out on her own half the time
  3627.  
  3628. >She’s come so far!
  3629. >I wonder if she’s going to move out entirely in the third game
  3630. >Is there a third one?
  3631.  
  3632.  
  3633. >You hear a voice coming from the direction of the basement and turn to see who it is
  3634. >“Yo thigh-high, are you keeping out of trouble?”
  3635.  
  3636. >Oh, Jake’s finally done with the spooky magic experiments tonight
  3637. >He makes them out to be way spookier than they really are. It’s just telekinesis.
  3638. >That’s his problem
  3639. >Maybe he’s going to get dinner
  3640.  
  3641. “Are you still upset about that?”
  3642. >“Look, I’m glad you owned up to it, but that was a really dumb move. Don’t do it again.”
  3643. >He’s still upset about that
  3644. “I did something dumb. I get it.”
  3645. >“Let me repeat the important part. I’m glad you owned up to it. I respect that. I’m not writing off our friendship over one incident. Two or three, however…”
  3646. “Getting stepped on doesn’t count, right?”
  3647. >Jake raises a hand to his chin and makes a thinking pose
  3648. >“…All right, six or seven. But if you keep doing big things like picking up the phone, you’ll be on thin ice.”
  3649. “I just wanted to help.”
  3650. >He exits the thinking pose
  3651. >“Thanks, but that doesn’t change the fact that my friends are asking me about that phone call. Use the smart side of your head before you try and help next time, got it?”
  3652.  
  3653. >He’s talking about me!
  3654. >What’s five times five
  3655. >Fifty five. Everyone knows that.
  3656. >Yeah, no
  3657. >Add five to itself five times
  3658. >Five plus five is ten, plus five is fifteen, plus five is twenty, plus five is… oh.
  3659. >This is why you’ll always need me around
  3660.  
  3661.  
  3662. “Got it.”
  3663. >“Good. What part of the game are you up to?”
  3664. “It’s the dinosaur level. I was going to take the glowthing to the shaman lady.”
  3665. >“This level’s sort of complicated. I’ve got a strategy guide if you want it.”
  3666. >Yes, please!
  3667. “If it means I don’t need to take more notes, yes!”
  3668. >“Back in a sec.”
  3669. >He walks back into his room
  3670. >After a moment, he returns with a green magazine that has a picture of the game’s characters on the front
  3671. >You hop off of the couch and gladly take it from him
  3672. >“Here you go. Try to use it only when you need it.”
  3673. “Thanks!”
  3674. >“I’m going to take a shower and head out to pick up dinner. You want something with meat?”
  3675. “You know it!”
  3676. >“Okay…meatball sub, garden salad, and a soda. I’ll be back in a bit.”
  3677.  
  3678. >What-ball?
  3679. >I heard ‘meat ball’
  3680.  
  3681. >Jake walks out of view before you can ask him what he said
  3682. >You hear a door shut and the shower start a couple of seconds later
  3683.  
  3684. >What animal grows into a ball shape?
  3685. >Armadillos, I guess
  3686. >Didn’t we see one of those when we were in Appleoosa? Do humans really eat those things?
  3687. >I don’t recall, and I don’t know
  3688.  
  3689.  
  3690. >Twilight said something about the ‘Western’ movies being a lot like Appleoosa
  3691. >The buildings are built the same, they wear hats, and there are humans who live like buffaloes
  3692. >The buffalo-people and hat-people tend to fight, too
  3693. >Except they don’t food-fight like the ponies did
  3694. >They used guns and freaky-looking ‘horses’
  3695. >Twilight doesn’t like letting you watch movies where the characters fight or shoot guns
  3696. >That’s ruled out a bunch of the cartoons Jake thought she’d let you watch
  3697. >It can’t be worse than ‘Zombie-rillas 5: Gone Ape’
  3698. >Sneaking out to watch that with Dash and Pinkie was a ton of fun
  3699. >Getting caught wasn’t
  3700. >Twilight stops some of the cartoons you watch here before they get to the end and tries to pass off some touchy-feely story as the real ending
  3701. >She’s almost as bad at making up stories as she is at lying
  3702. >If she was as good at making stories as her mom, you wouldn't mind the changes
  3703. >They're totally unnecessary either way
  3704. >The cartoons aren’t much worse than Equestrian cartoons for kids your age
  3705. >Whatever, bringing glow-hop animal to the buffalo-lady who isn’t actually a buffalo
  3706. >*URRrrrrp*
  3707. >Then again, the game can wait
  3708. >This one’s actually addressed partly to you
  3709.  
  3710.  
  3711. Twilight, Spike,
  3712.  
  3713.  
  3714. I feel like saying “hello” to my sister and honorary brother. How are things? I was one of the unicorns
  3715. lending magic to the projection spell earlier. I got to be in one of the front rows, so I got a decent view of
  3716. you even if you couldn’t see me. I wish I could be there for you, Twilight. I wanted to be along with
  3717. Pinkie, but it would have doubled the magic needed for the spell. Who was that first human that said
  3718. those weird words, like gahd and fukk? He was the first to notice Pinkie. I’m back on duty, by the way.
  3719. Whatever it is you were going to tell the world about humans, PLEASE don’t do it yet. My hooves are full
  3720. enough without any riots. I wanted to get back to Cadence ASAP, but it’s clear that I’m needed here.
  3721. These vanara are insane. I count five of those stretchy-armed rascals hanging from the chandeliers right
  3722. now, and your friends Pinkie and Rainbow have a pranksters’ alliance with some vanara to set a record
  3723. for the most whoopee-cushioned seats in one building. “Monkeying around” aside, we have a legitimate
  3724. security breach. We’ve caught two changelings impersonating guests. There’s one squad of Unicorn
  3725. Guardsp0nies trained in unmasking spells, and several thousand guests. This is going to take forever!
  3726. I can’t believe they let security degrade so far! I need to vent, and it’s you or Cadence. She’d probably
  3727. prefer to think everything is fine. Would you mind if I sent it to you?
  3728.  
  3729. I hope you’re feeling better than I am,
  3730. Shining Armor
  3731.  
  3732.  
  3733. >What kind of word is ‘fukk?’
  3734. >A weird one
  3735. >Maybe we should ask Twilight
  3736. >She knows a lot of words
  3737. >Yeah, but it’s a human word. Jake would probably know it better.
  3738. >He’s in the shower
  3739. >Okay, we’ll ask Twilight.
  3740.  
  3741. >You pause the game and get up
  3742. >Before you can even get to the door of the basement, Twilight is at the top of the stairs and hoping to get a look at the letter
  3743. >She’s not going deaf after all
  3744. “Hey Twilight, what does ‘fukk’ mean?”
  3745. >Her expression goes from anticipation to shocked and angry before you even say “mean”
  3746. >She grabs you with both forehooves and has a crazy look in her eye
  3747. >“WHO TAUGHT YOU THAT WORD?”
  3748. >Somep0ny’s angry about something
  3749. >No idea why
  3750. >You unroll the letter for her and point to the line where it said fukk
  3751. >Twilight’s crazy eyes jump between where your claw is pointing and the signature at the bottom
  3752. >They slowly de-crazy, but she looks and sounds a little annoyed
  3753. >“Oh, that just figures.”
  3754. >She lets go of you and levitates the letter to the side
  3755. >“Spike, never say that word. It’s rude, uncivilized, and human.”
  3756. “What do you mean by ‘human?’”
  3757. >“Look, I don’t know exactly what that word means, but it’s…”
  3758. >Now she’s going from impatient to realizing she’s forgotten something, then back to annoyance
  3759. >“I’m going to go look it up.”
  3760.  
  3761.  
  3762. >She turns around and heads downstairs again
  3763. >Might as well follow.
  3764. >You’re going down the stairs with her as she does the glowy-clicky thing with the computer
  3765. >By the time you’re both at the computer, she’s already read and closed the thingy and turns to you
  3766. >“It means ‘to strike or perform lewd acts.’ In other words, it’s human.”
  3767.  
  3768. >She keeps using that word
  3769. >I don’t think it means what she thinks it means
  3770.  
  3771. >You cross your arms in front of you and try to look upset
  3772. “Twilight, what do you think of the humans we’re living with?”
  3773. >“What? Oh, I’m fine with them! I meant humans in general. Between you and me, I think we might have gotten lucky.”
  3774. “Put the internet thing up again.”
  3775. >“Why?”
  3776. “I’m going to show you why I think humans are good.”
  3777. >“Because they make good candy?”
  3778. “No, the other reason. Put the internet thing up again.”
  3779. >She stares at you like she doesn’t know what to do
  3780. >Eventually, she turns back to the computer and puts the internet thingy up
  3781. “Go to you tube. Look up the faces of evil intro.”
  3782. >She gives you a doubting glance, but doesn’t say anything
  3783. “Trust me. I bet you can’t watch fifteen seconds of that movie without changing your mind about what ‘human’ means.”
  3784. >Twilight continues to internet and finds the video you’re talking about
  3785. >She puts her ear-cords in her ears and starts the cartoon
  3786.  
  3787.  
  3788. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bNpLXo55yfw
  3789. (Youtube link: Play the video muted, mah boi. Immersion is what all true 2nd-person stories strive for!)
  3790.  
  3791.  
  3792.  
  3793. >It’s hard to gauge her reaction because she’s looking away from you
  3794. >At first, it seems like she’s confused about why she’s being told to watch some cartoon with horrible voice acting and bad animation
  3795. >Then the king pops up and says his line
  3796. >Then she’s just confused
  3797. >She rewinds the video a few times, probably to make sure she heard it right
  3798. >You wait for her to stop, but she doesn’t
  3799. >She doesn’t get that “Peace is what all true warriors strive for,” it seems
  3800.  
  3801. >Betcha two bits that she’s overthinking it.
  3802. >We don’t have any bits, and your bits are my bits
  3803. >I’m betting imaginary bits. Let’s head upstairs and see how long it takes for her to stop.
  3804.  
  3805. >You head back to your videogame
  3806. >Blah blah blah, give glow animal thing to buffalo-lady, jump into magic pool
  3807. >Banjo and Kazooie are now a mighty T-rex
  3808. >A mighty baby T-rex
  3809.  
  3810.  
  3811. >What a rip off.
  3812. >Maybe it can bite things really hard
  3813. >Try pressing the attack button
  3814. >Good idea.
  3815. >…Nothing’s happening.
  3816. >Let’s check the strategy guide and see if there’s a reason for that
  3817. >Reading, reading, more reading
  3818. >Ooh! There’s a way to transform Kazooie into a dragon but keep Banjo normal. We should do that later. What do we do with this baby dinosaur?
  3819. >We need to go talk to this family of dinosaurs here and then go to this door
  3820. >Alright, easy enough.
  3821. >You duck and weave the baby T-rex around the dinosaurs that are jerks to find the dinosaurs that aren’t jerks
  3822. >Inside their cave, you try talking to each one and eventually find the one that gives you the special ability
  3823. >It’s roaring
  3824. >Just roaring? That’s it? I want an ATTACK when I press the attack button. I’m gonna press the attack button right now. This roar had better do something awesome.
  3825.  
  3826. >“Rawr.”
  3827.  
  3828. >That can’t be right. All the other transformo-huts made them into something that could fight somehow. I’m gonna try again.
  3829.  
  3830. >“Rawr.”
  3831.  
  3832. >This is such a rip off. I wanted to play as a big dinosaur and stomp on stuff like we could with that statue guy in the first level.
  3833. >Maybe it’ll bite if you hold down the button, like “raaaawr-*chomp*”
  3834. >Good idea. I hope it does.
  3835.  
  3836. >“Raaaaawr.”
  3837.  
  3838. >We’re still holding the button down, and there’s no chomp. This is the biggest rip off ever.
  3839. >Wait, there was one of those skull-magician magic casting spots outside the hut
  3840. >His magic ability in this level is to make things big
  3841.  
  3842.  
  3843. >Maybe we can make the hut and pool bigger to make it transform them into a bigger dinosaur
  3844. >Very good idea!
  3845. >Let’s explore the level like this, first
  3846. >I don’t like that idea as much as the last two ideas.
  3847. >We’re doing it anyway
  3848. >It’ll be something to do while Jake’s out getting dinner
  3849. >You hear the shower stop and Jake comes out a little bit after that
  3850. >He’s wearing dry clothes
  3851. >You still don’t know when humans do or don’t wear clothes
  3852. >Wearing them into the shower might save time
  3853. >Wash self, wash clothes, save water and soap
  3854. >He goes into his room before you can ask him about balls of meat
  3855. >Actually, I think he might have told us about those earlier
  3856. >You know, in the Mario cartoon where he says “Now I know how a meatball feels”
  3857. >Oh right. Nevermind.
  3858. >Bla blah blah exploring
  3859. >Here’s a door with a picture of a dinosaur on it. Let’s read the sign next to it.
  3860. >‘short, short, long, short, long, long’
  3861. >What does that mean?
  3862. >The only short and long things I can think of are the roars
  3863. >Try rawring and raaaawring that pattern
  3864.  
  3865. >Twilight’s done with being confused by the thing you showed to her
  3866. >You can hear her coming up the stairs
  3867. >She stops behind you and watches you try to get the code right
  3868. >Usually she’s not interested, but she is this time
  3869. >“Did you just make that dinosaur speak in Morse code?”
  3870. “No, I made it speak in dinosaur.”
  3871. >“I mean the combination of long and short roars sounded like this code that Jon’s teaching me. I could have sworn it said ‘FM’ just then.”
  3872.  
  3873.  
  3874. >No clue what she’s talking about. You?
  3875. >Same here
  3876. >Let’s ask her what she wants
  3877.  
  3878. “Did you want me to send a reply to Shining?”
  3879. >“No, it was that video you had me watch. It… I’m trying to reconcile this with their history and modern behavior. They want peace, and they’d fight for peace, but they don’t have it. I don’t get it. What’s keeping them from at least scaling back on all this war?”
  3880.  
  3881. >Hey ‘smart side.’ You owe me bits.
  3882. >I never accepted the bet
  3883. >Darn.
  3884.  
  3885. “I don’t know. Point is that humans want the same things as us.”
  3886. >“I know they want the same thing. This isn’t the first time their media has referenced a desire for peace, but it’s the first time I’ve heard them say they’d fight for peace. If they want it that bad, why-”
  3887. >“Aw ffff-”
  3888. >Jake starts saying something from inside his room
  3889. >He seems to realize he’s saying it a lot louder than he’s supposed to
  3890. >“-fffudge brownies. My shoelace broke.”
  3891. >Twilight makes the sort of face that says “hmm…” without actually saying “hmm…” and then turns towards Jake’s door
  3892. >“I’ve got a spell that could fix that.”
  3893. >There’s a long pause before Jake responds
  3894. >“…Whatever, come do it. I can’t find my sandals and there’s no way I’m leaving the house wearing Crocs. I’d get blisters AND look tacky.”
  3895. >She trots into his room with a strange smile on her face
  3896. >“I learned this from Rarity. Spike’s told you all about her, I’m sure. This is going to be a simple cloth-mending spell… no, no, leave the shoe on.”
  3897.  
  3898.  
  3899. >She leans forward to cast the spell
  3900. >Her horn is just out of view behind the doorframe, but you can see the light it’s making
  3901. >Twilight’s body language makes it seem like she’s straining to cast an easy spell
  3902. >Jake continues to be uncomfortable
  3903. >“Is this another test? You’re sure this is safe, right? I can’t go outside if my foot is fused to my shoe, and…”
  3904. >Jake stops for some reason
  3905. >He starts speaking again, just loud enough for you to hear
  3906. >“Twilight, your magic is going halfway up my thigh.”
  3907. >“And?”
  3908. >“I don’t feel afraid.”
  3909. >The glow of magic stops as she leans back upright and into view
  3910. >She’s smiling so wide that Jake can probably see her tonsils
  3911. >Just as quickly as she came back into view, she jumps further into the room
  3912. >You can’t see either of them
  3913. >Twilight sure sounds excited
  3914. >“RUB MY BELLY AND TELL ME I’M A SMART P0NY!”
  3915. >“…You’re a smart p0ny.”
  3916. >There’s an uncomfortable silence
  3917. >Jake grumbles something and speaks with fake enthusiasm
  3918. >“Twilight Sparkle is the smartest p0ny I’ve ever met!”
  3919. >“Eeheehee! It’s true!”
  3920. >Twi giggles at the fake compliments showered on her for the next three minutes, then Jake says something about feeling Twilight’s stomach rumbling and leaves the room without her
  3921. >He comes up to you and whispers
  3922. >“Is she usually this… physical?”
  3923. “Not usually. Why? What happened?”
  3924.  
  3925.  
  3926. >“She tackled me and forced me to give her bellyrubs.”
  3927. >You raise a brow in confusion
  3928. “Is that a bad thing?”
  3929. >“No, it’s just… it caught me off guard, is all. What’s gotten into her?”
  3930. >Your brow sags back into position
  3931. “She just made a breakthrough in her favorite area of science. She’ll probably be normal again by the time you come back.”
  3932. >“Is she ever ‘normal?’ How do we get her to be ‘normal?’”
  3933. “She has to be in juuust the right mood. She needs to feel like she’s accomplishing something good and doing something smart, but not too much or she’ll get all excited.”
  3934. >“No, I mean like she's having me touch her a lot. Why would she do that?”
  3935. “Beats me. She always gets excited like this if she's accomplishing something really important, though.”
  3936. >“She just did something big, I guess. Hey, Twilight!”
  3937. >You hear a coy reply from within Jake’s room
  3938. >“Yyyes?”
  3939. >“Why did want me to rub your belly?”
  3940. >“Because your hands feel good!”
  3941.  
  3942. >Your honor, I’d like to raise an objection.
  3943. >Motion sustained, what is your objection
  3944. >Why should Jake get all the action? I want permission to voice my displeasuredness with this injustification
  3945. >Permission to protest granted
  3946. >Also, please stop trying to use big words
  3947.  
  3948.  
  3949. “And my claws don’t feel as good?”
  3950. >“You’re still my number one assistant, even if your claws are a bit too sharp for that.”
  3951. >Jake takes over the conversation again
  3952. >“Were there any other motivating factors behind that bellyrub?”
  3953. >“I’ll tell you once I confirm my findings and you get me a salad.”
  3954. >“Yes, princess Twilight… Your loyal subject shall retrieve a meal of garden salad and meatball sandwiches.”
  3955. >Jake leaves with a weird half-frown of confusion on his face as Twilight calls after him
  3956. >“Don’t call me a princess, please! It’s only a title. I was trying to keep that from you because I knew you’d treat me different…”
  3957. >“You were acting like a princess long before you told us.”
  3958.  
  3959. >Ohhh, snap!
  3960.  
  3961. >Twilight is too relaxed from the bellyrubbings to be angry, so she just stays quiet as Jake walks out the door
  3962. >Distractions gone, you go back to your videogame
  3963. >You keep exploring with Banjo and Kazooie’s dinosaur form
  3964. >It’s tempting to look in the strategy guide, but Jake’s right that it’s more satisfying to figure it out on your own
  3965. >Twilight leaves Jake’s room and heads downstairs after a minute or two
  3966. >She closes the basement door behind her, for some reason
  3967.  
  3968. >They said not to do that because it would ruin the air flow! It’s going to get really hot in here!
  3969. >We’re a dragon
  3970. >Jake isn’t, and he’s going to want to cool off when he gets back.
  3971. >Oh, right
  3972. >Let’s go open the door for him
  3973.  
  3974.  
  3975. >You tug the string around the doorknob
  3976. >The basement is mostly dark except for the glow of Twilight’s magic
  3977. >There’s also another glow
  3978.  
  3979. >Probably her computer
  3980. >Let's go check anyway. We got interrupted when we were talking about peace and stuff, so we ought to go finish that conversation too.
  3981.  
  3982. >You tippytoe down the stairs so you don’t disturb her
  3983. >It seems like she doesn’t notice you as you come up behind her
  3984. >Twilight is looking at TWO screens
  3985.  
  3986. >Uh… did she get another computer from somewhere?
  3987. >It looks more like a TV made of magic, or something
  3988. >Hold on, I think I hear something coming from her head
  3989. >She doesn’t have the ear-things in. What the heck is going on?
  3990. >Shh, let’s be quiet and see if we can figure out what that sound is
  3991. >…
  3992. >That sounds like a voice
  3993. >Okay, now I’m really curious.
  3994.  
  3995. >You move up closer so you can hear and see better
  3996. >The magic TV thing is showing a human you don’t recognize shouting about something on a street at night
  3997. >He’s holding a sign with a big ‘t’ on it and a few words you don’t understand
  3998. >It’s sort of hearable now
  3999. >“...book of Revelation shall come to pass! We approach the end of an era, the end of life as it is known! It is coming soon, and on a pale horse it shall ride!”
  4000. >The view goes past the shouting human
  4001. >It gets a little ways past the shouting guy before his voice shouts “You there!”
  4002.  
  4003.  
  4004. >Then a hand comes up and blocks the view
  4005. >You hear a familiar human voice whisper something
  4006. >“Oh man, there aren’t even supposed to be fundies this far north.”
  4007. >“You! Sir! Are you prepared for our end? Have you accepted Jesus?”
  4008. >The view snaps back to the guy with the sign and you hear Jake speak
  4009. >“Please leave me alone.”
  4010. >“You reject your Lord and Savior?!”
  4011. >“I accept him, but you make me uncomfortable.”
  4012. >It seems like this is all happening from Jake’s perspective
  4013. >Shouting guy lowers his voice and looks really mad, talking through his teeth
  4014. >“I feel the taint of a demon upon you. You are VERMIN.”
  4015. >“Hey, I don’t want to start anything.”
  4016. >“Your kind has no place in the kingdom of God.”
  4017. >“I’ll just be leaving now…”
  4018. >The view backs away from the shouting guy as the shouting guy shouts again
  4019. >He’d probably have a shouting cutie mark if he was a p0ny
  4020. >“SCUM!”
  4021. >You hear Jake speak before he turns around and starts walking away quickly
  4022. >“I have a knife. Please don’t follow me.”
  4023. >Twilight partly unrolls a piece of paper with a bunch of writing on it
  4024. >You haven’t seen this scroll before
  4025. >It looks like it’s a very disorganized list, but you can only see the bottom of it
  4026.  
  4027.  
  4028. Society of post-Vedic India similar to Vanara Sultanates, but includes ‘Brahman’ priest caste in addition
  4029. to Kshatriya, Vaishya, Shudra, and untouchables (all same, though human Kshatriya includes warriors.)
  4030. Caste system religious instead of purely societal. Ancient Indian society/politics heavily influenced by
  4031. Hinduism, Buddhism, some Islam. Check if Brahman are still influential.
  4032.  
  4033. “My little pony” phrase used on radio, possible reference to Celestia? Couldn’t look up toy line. Why is
  4034. the internet so broken for me?
  4035.  
  4036. Look up “Laputan machines.” Some sort of weapons? Should study human warfare in depth eventually;
  4037. might be useful. Global Security website only allows ten pages to be viewed per month without paid
  4038. subscription. Probably best not to tell Jake he recommended a site I can’t use, seek alternatives.
  4039.  
  4040. Do human fingers secrete mood altering chemicals? Mind-reading from having head touched? Had not
  4041. been touched on head by Jake prior to 5/27/2013, though Eliza touched me earlier. Getting scratched
  4042. behind the ears feels FANTASTIC!!! Be aware of addictive potential, especially if this is a method of
  4043. telepathy. Not likely.
  4044.  
  4045. Humans don’t touch other humans’ heads frequently. They say I’m acting like a cat. Meow.
  4046.  
  4047. Reaction to magic may have something to do with motivation of caster and/or subject. Selflessness less
  4048. likely to provoke negative reaction? Further testing required. MAGIC SCIENCE!
  4049.  
  4050.  
  4051. >She uses her magic to grab a quill and scribble ‘Revelation 6:8, “on a pale horse.” Another reference to Celestia? Trend? Not in abridged bible.’ under the lowest line
  4052.  
  4053.  
  4054. >Okay, this is all too weird.
  4055. >Are we going to say something, or leave
  4056. >We’re going to say something, but we’re backing up first.
  4057.  
  4058. >You take a few steps backwards, then clear your throa- *URrrrrp*
  4059. >That works too
  4060. >Twilight flails exactly like you expected her to before she turns around
  4061. >“HELLO SPIKE I AM DOING NOTHING SUSPICIOUS HOW ARE YOU?”
  4062. “Just wondering why you closed the basement door.”
  4063. >It takes her a moment to stop hyperventilating and ask what you expect her to ask
  4064. >“…How much did you see?”
  4065. “That depends. How many reasons do I have to tell someone about this?”
  4066. >“It’s not spying if have Jake’s permission!”
  4067. >Okay, so that WAS a spying spell she was using
  4068. “So I could tell him and you wouldn’t mind?”
  4069. >“I-I would mind! A lot!”
  4070. “Why is that?”
  4071.  
  4072.  
  4073. >“BecauseImightbeabletogetushomesoonifyoudon’t!”
  4074. “Uh… could you repeat that?”
  4075. >“I might be able to get us home soon if you don’t and they might need me to use the Element of Magic on Nightmare Moon and-!”
  4076. “Twilight, you are making NO sense at all. You’ve gone paranoid again.”
  4077. >“I’m not paranoid!”
  4078. >Neither of you say anything for a couple of minutes
  4079. >All she does is shift around uncomfortably
  4080.  
  4081. >She’s paranoid
  4082. >She’s SOOO paranoid.
  4083. >Let’s not push her too far
  4084. >Agreed. We still need to make things right, though.
  4085.  
  4086. “I’m not telling anyone what I saw.”
  4087. >She sighs in relief and relaxes a bit
  4088. “But…”
  4089. >She stiffens again
  4090. “…that’s only if you tell someone before I do.”
  4091. >You stay quiet for a moment to let her think
  4092. >She mulls it over for a minute before she realizes you haven’t told her something important
  4093. >“When are you going to tell someone?”
  4094. “I haven’t really thought about that. I guess I’ll tell them if I think that you’re never going to.”
  4095. >Twilight looks away and bites her lip nervously
  4096. >You pick up the scroll you belched out a couple of minutes earlier and unroll it
  4097.  
  4098.  
  4099. Spike,
  4100.  
  4101. Is Twilight busy, or in a bad mood, or something? I’d like to know if I can send that letter I mentioned.
  4102. The security situation isn’t so bad that I can’t take a second send personal letters to my sister and you.
  4103. Also, I’d like to get in contact with the human I mentioned in my previous letter. It’s kind of important
  4104. that I do.
  4105.  
  4106. Shining Armor
  4107.  
  4108. “Your brother still wants to know if he can send you his rant, by the way.”
  4109. >She stops biting her lip, but can’t bring herself to look back at you
  4110. >“Tell him I’m thinking about it.”
  4111. >You walk to Twilight’s side and stand as tall as you can to see onto the desk
  4112. >Taking her quill, you scribble her reply onto the same scroll as Shining’s message and *fwoosh* it
  4113. >You look over to Twilight as you put the quill back
  4114.  
  4115. >I think we may have pushed a liiiiitle to hard.
  4116. >Maybe
  4117. >Empathy mode: activate.
  4118.  
  4119. >You reach out and put a reassuring claw on her
  4120. “Twilight, I’m not going to tell them. You don’t have to worry about that. It’s going to be easier on us all if you admit you were doing this.”
  4121. >She doesn’t say anything
  4122. >You give her a gentle pat
  4123. “Don’t worry. My lips are sealed.”
  4124. >You turn to leave, then remember something after you take a few steps
  4125. >Looking behind yourself, you’re relieved to see Twilight’s too busy worrying to be casting a spell
  4126. “Not actually sealed, please.”
  4127. >“Okay…”
  4128. >Now you really start leaving
  4129. >Twilight speaks to you one more time as you’re heading up the stairs
  4130. >“Spike?”
  4131. >You stop
  4132. “Yeah?”
  4133.  
  4134.  
  4135. >“I… I think I wanted to be caught. I started doing this because I thought Jake had used telepathy on me, but I wasn’t really thinking about how he could have done that. I thought this was fair, you know? Like, if he did it to me, then…”
  4136. >She’s terrible at lying
  4137. >That makes what she’s saying right now even more legit
  4138. >Real guilt is being felt here
  4139. “I’m sure this is all a big misunderstanding. We’ll sort this out whenever you’re ready.”
  4140. >“Spike?”
  4141. “Yes?”
  4142. >“…Thank you.”
  4143.  
  4144. >And now she sounds like she really appreciates being caught
  4145. >I don’t understand
  4146. >Yeah, you wouldn’t. Let’s just wait for dinner.
  4147.  
  4148. >You’re about to hop back onto the couch when you hear the kitchen door open and shut
  4149. >Jake calls out that dinner’s served
  4150.  
  4151. >Finally.
  4152.  
  4153. >You wait for Twilight to come upstairs and do a little right-to-left zipper motion across your mouth for her
  4154. >She smiles and nods as she passes you, then you follow her into the kitchen for dinner
  4155. >Jake sees you both coming down the hallway and quips about how you’re both fire hazards
  4156. >“Good to see that I can leave the two of you alone and not have the house burn down.”
  4157. >“That reminds me, actually…”
  4158. >A piece of scrap paper and a pen levitate over to Twilight as Jake sets the table
  4159. >Twilight scribbles out a quick note and gives it to you
  4160. >You *fwoosh* it as you take your seat
  4161. >On the table in front of you, there is a long bun of bread filled with cheese, tomato sauce, and balls of ground meat
  4162. >It smells delicious
  4163.  
  4164.  
  4165. >Losing no time, you start chomping it down and chugging the sugary orange soda Jake brought with it
  4166. >Twilight watches you with concern, then asks Jake something that makes you gag
  4167. >“Are you sure there’s no horse meat in that?”
  4168. >“Not completely, but it’s so unlikely that I wasn’t even considering it. Why, did you read about that scandal in Europe?”
  4169.  
  4170. >Okay, nevermind. Resuming eating.
  4171.  
  4172. >Jake starts eating his meatball sandwich as well, but Twilight waits to finish her reply before digging into her salad
  4173. >“I went through the Associated Press’s YouTube channel to catch up on recent news. Hugo Chavez’s death, Pope Francis, Mali, that sort of thing. Kind of hard to believe we got here right in the middle of that food scandal and I didn’t hear about it…”
  4174. >Now it’s Jake’s turn
  4175. >“Yeah, we figured you wouldn’t appreciate hearing about that.”
  4176. >They go back and forth, eating while the other is speaking
  4177. >Jake takes a bite of his meatball tomato cheese thing as Twilight talks
  4178. >“Thanks, I suppose. I don’t want anything hidden, though. I want to know EVERYTHING.”
  4179. >“Does ‘EVERYTHING’ include the comments on YouTube?”
  4180. >“Yes, and I lost a little faith in humanity because of that.”
  4181. >“I don't blame you. Any videos in particular?”
  4182. >“Pretty much all of the ones that have a list of the top headlines.”
  4183. >“It’s arguing about politics on the internet. We don’t exactly vet the debaters for anything, so it’s going to be full of crazies.”
  4184.  
  4185. >They’re talking about things we don’t know about. Booooring.
  4186.  
  4187.  
  4188. >“Why are humans so hostile on the internet and not in normal interaction?”
  4189. >“Anonymity’s part of it. No consequences for being an obnoxious nutjob like the guy who yelled at me a few minutes ago.”
  4190. >“So… the internet proves the ‘rings of Gyges’ argument?”
  4191.  
  4192. >The whozits of whatnow?
  4193. >Rings of guy geez
  4194. >No, I don’t know what those are
  4195.  
  4196. >“Not necessarily, Twilight. People do plenty of thankless things over the internet as well. It’s a condensed presentation of human interaction. There are nice people, there are people who stand off to the side and almost never say anything, and then there’s the AP’s comments section. It depends a lot on where you’re looking. This guy who yelled at me, though, he was something. Can I tell you about him?”
  4197. >Twilight gives him an unenthusiastic grunt of approval through a mouthful of lettuce
  4198. >Jake chuckles to himself quietly before he starts speaking again
  4199. >“First time I went past him, he was acting like he was chosen by god to preach about the end of the world. He said some schizoid nonsense about how I’d been tainted by a demon, too. I go past the same spot on the other side of the street after I grab our dinner, and he’s bent over the hood of a cop car for disturbing the peace and resisting arrest. Those religious nuts, man… they don’t do it for religion. They do it for their ego. If this was about religion, they’d be humble, understanding people.”
  4200.  
  4201.  
  4202. >Yup, that was a spying spell, all right
  4203. >He just said the same thing as what we heard a few minutes ago
  4204.  
  4205. >You look over to Twilight, trying to cue her into admitting what she’s done, but she ignores you and keeps talking to Jake
  4206. >“You sound disillusioned with religion.”
  4207. >“I feel like religion wouldn’t give me any tangible benefits, and people like that guy don’t do anything to make religion more appealing to me. Extremists ruin any cause they follow. No exceptions.”
  4208. >Twilight doesn’t reply to that, and just continues eating her salad
  4209. >Jake takes this as a cue to change the topic
  4210. >“I’m appealing my grade for that college course, by the way. I’m pretty sure the professor didn’t even read my essay. I’m just waiting to hear back from him or the dean of students.”
  4211. >She DOES respond this time
  4212. >“Best of luck with that. Getting a bad grade over a misunderstanding is one of my biggest peeves.”
  4213. >“I’m just sad he rejected it before he knew enough to pass judgment. Hint hint.”
  4214. >She stabs a tiny tomato with her fork and replies in an annoyed tone
  4215. >“Hint taken.”
  4216.  
  4217.  
  4218. >“Hey, I’m sorry, but if you want me to be honest then I’m going to keep you honest, too.”
  4219. >“No, I fell into that one myself. I’m going to be here a while, so I might as well revise my opinion to make it bearable. Actually, speaking of prejudices… why are those John Wayne movies so harsh on Aboriginal Americans?”
  4220. >“I think it has to do with the time of their production. People were overtly racist back then, and everyone was preoccupied with the Soviet Union. It’s probably a ‘redskin’/‘red communist’ allegory.”
  4221.  
  4222. >Ooh! I think they’re talking about something we know about! Jon said this is one of the reasons he rides a bike instead of using a car. I think. Maybe.
  4223. >Go ahead and join the conversation
  4224. >Try not to say anything too stupid this time
  4225.  
  4226. “Allegory? Isn’t that the guy who says the planet’s going to mel- *URRRRRRpPPp*
  4227. >There’s a rolled up scroll in your tomato sauce
  4228. >The queasiness of hearing about humans eating horses made you miss the warning signs
  4229. >You take a napkin and wipe the scroll off before you unroll it
  4230.  
  4231.  
  4232. Thanks. I wanted to get this on paper so I don’t end up publicly ranting.
  4233. Just… ugh. How do people this stupid get through officers’ school?
  4234.  
  4235. I don’t know what goes through the heads of those three dolts. Sometimes I wish I did, sometimes I’m
  4236. glad I don’t. If I could hear what my lieutenants are thinking right now, it would be pure silence. The
  4237. largest scientific gathering in history is presently occurring. Celestia and Luna are in attendance, as are
  4238. countless other VIPs. Meanwhile, my subordinates are too busy arguing about how to secure the castle
  4239. to actually secure it! The background checking they did was a joke; these idiots didn’t even check half of
  4240. the attendees’ names! One of the bugs we caught was calling itself Chang Ling. No one had seen him
  4241. here until 8 days ago, but no investigation was made because he gave a shoddy excuse. CHANG LING.
  4242. Literally one letter away from spelling ‘changeling.’ How did that not throw up a red flag? Is Chang Ling
  4243. even a real person?! Now we have to send a messenger all the way to the Xiezhi Qilin Jiti just to find out
  4244. if this guy’s a doppelganger or just unimaginative!
  4245.  
  4246.  
  4247. I’d put them on latrine duty, but I don’t think there are enough toilets in the entire city for that.
  4248. Shining Armor
  4249.  
  4250. P.S.
  4251. Jake, I saw you trying to comfort Twilight during the projection spell. That means a lot to me.
  4252. Send me a letter sometime.
  4253.  
  4254.  
  4255. >Wow, Chang Ling? How far off their game do they have to be to miss that?
  4256. >If I had to estimate, I’d say PRETTY DARN FAR
  4257. >Twilight leans over to see the scroll
  4258. >“Chang Ling? Wow. There’s adding insult to injury, and then there’s a changeling who slips by security with a name like that.”
  4259. >“What’s this about changelings?”
  4260. >Now Jake is leaning over you as well
  4261. >Getting kind of cramped
  4262. >“I requested that my brother go back on duty before I send a specimen of human tissue. I guess I made the right call, seeing how we have a shapeshifting and possibly multilingual bug problem.”
  4263. “Guess so. Hey, can I have some room, please?”
  4264. >They both back away a little and Twilight levitates the scroll away from you
  4265. >You go back to your sandwich, which is nearly finished
  4266. >Twilight holds the scroll open for a few more seconds before rolling it up again
  4267. >Both of them go back to their seats, then Jake speaks up
  4268. >“I guess it’s time to get an expert opinion of whether I really remind you of your brother.”
  4269. >“Believe me, you do.”
  4270. >“So, once we’re done with the Westerns, what do you want to watch?”
  4271. >“Let’s get to the war movies last. Actually, no. Second to last. Let’s get to the scary movies last. I’ll let you pick what’s next.”
  4272. >“Well, we’re not watching Saving Private Ryan on D-Day. That also rules out Forrest Gump, because I know that one has a war sequence. I was hoping you’d watch that one sooner rather than later.”
  4273.  
  4274.  
  4275. >“Any reason for that?”
  4276. >“Forrest Gump’s got a decent overview of the latter half of the 20th century. I figured it would help you get up to speed. It’s that or the opening credits to Watchmen’s film adaptation.”
  4277. >Twilight shrugs
  4278. >“Meh. If it’s not too much war then we’ll just skip over it like we did in ‘Fort Apache.’”
  4279. >There isn’t a sandwich in your claws because you ate it
  4280. “Hey Twilight, is it okay if I leave the table?”
  4281. >“Go ahead. Actually, it’s kind of late. Would you shut your game down and go to bed, please?”
  4282.  
  4283. >But we didn’t get to play as the big stompy dinosaur! Don't you remember how fun it was to play as that statue that skull shaman guy brought to life in the first level?
  4284. >Too bad, we’re tired and we’re full of warm food
  4285. >But stomping around as a big dinosaur…
  4286. >Maybe we’ll dream about that
  4287. >Let’s let Jake and Twilight have their movie night WHICH ISN’T ENDING IN TEARS LIKE YOU SAID IT WOULD
  4288. >Give it time.
  4289.  
  4290.  
  4291.  
  4292. #IRCAddamsLocal
  4293. Server time 6/1/2013, 21:01
  4294.  
  4295. 21:01:15@Basement: uyhjljnkoinukjljlll;’hhhuyddhowdoesthisthingwork;;’’]\;
  4296. 21:01:35@Basement: hello
  4297. 21:01:57@Basement: heello
  4298. 21:02:22@Basement: helloisany1onethere
  4299. 21:03:16@Basement: ihopeididntbreaktyhistwilightwouldbemad
  4300. 21:03:39@JakeLaptop has signed on
  4301. 21:03:50@JakeLaptop: Go to bed, Spike.
  4302. 21:04:21@Basement: whatnnothisistwilightscompoteritshernotspikespikeisinbed
  4303. 21:04:29@Jakelaptop: Twilight is right here. Upstairs. Waving at me.
  4304. 21:04:35@JakeLaptop: We both hear you down there.
  4305. 21:04:46@JakeLaptop: Do you see that wide, blank button at the bottom of the keyboard?
  4306. 21:04:52@Basement: noyoudonthearanythingyes
  4307. 21:05:02@JakeLaptop: Press that button whenever you finish typing a word.
  4308. 21:05:17@Basement: like this is this how i do it/
  4309. 21:05:36@JakeLaptop: Yes. And press the button labeled “Backspace” if you want to get rid of something you typed before you enter it. Now go to bed. We’ll teach you how to use the computer later.
  4310. 21:05:49@Basement: am i in trouble
  4311. 21:06:07@JakeLaptop: Twilight says “only if you keep touching my property and don’t go to bed.”
  4312. 21:06:12@Basement: ok
  4313. 21:06:39@Basement: oh and why does you tube look different/
  4314. 21:06:47@JakeLaptop: Because of reasons. Go to bed.
  4315.  
  4316.  
  4317.  
  4318. Part 7 (Author's note: This part is really long, too. I need to learn to control myself. Sorry for the delay in posting the whole thing; the thread I post it in for previewing and critique went on a temporary hiatus. Please check out 4chan's Ponies in/on Earth thread, especially if you're interested in writing something based on the concept of ponies coming to Earth. Nearly all genres and formats are accepted. [Edit: it merged back into the AiE threads.]
  4319.  
  4320. http://pastebin.com/u/PiEArchive has similar stories as well as links to archived threads.)
  4321.  
  4322. (Oh, and have a little LD side story for being so patient. http://pastebin.com/3Y92tccc )
  4323.  
  4324.  
  4325. >Tuesday, June 4, 6:19pm
  4326. >Year 22 and ‘what's up with Twilight?’ on Earth
  4327. >You are Jake Addams
  4328. >Things are a little as of late
  4329. >Crazier than usual
  4330. >Twilight decided to restart the testing now that she knows she won’t put you into a cold sweat and have to smell your BO all the time
  4331. >Right now, you’re strapped to the wall above her bed by a few strands of magic around your chest, waist, thighs, and shins
  4332. >You’ve been there for about thirty minutes now, reading to pass the time
  4333. >You’ll probably be there for at least another hour because Twilight wants to do an endurance test
  4334. >She didn’t say whether it’s a test of your endurance or hers
  4335. >Sometimes the magic is as solid as steel, sometimes it’s like you’re in a hammock of rubber bands
  4336. >So it’s probably hers
  4337. Thankfully, you’re not feeling the primal fear that magic used to give you
  4338. >No regular fear either, because the drop would be about six inches sideways onto a mattress
  4339. >She COULD tighten her grip until your ribcage collapses in on your lungs (and your heart, if you’re lucky) but she really resents the implication that she’d use her magic for violence
  4340. >She probably won’t, but it’s your disadvantage that keeps you on edge
  4341. >There’s literally nothing you could do against magic
  4342. >Someone like her shouldn’t be that powerful
  4343. >That’s reason in itself to be afraid of her
  4344.  
  4345.  
  4346. >You’re also moderately sure she’s gone into heat, or something
  4347. >Can that happen to p0nies?
  4348. >She hasn’t said anything about that
  4349. >None of the books you’ve seen have even touched on the topic of p0ny romance and what signs are given when p0ny wants to p0ny p0ny
  4350. >Telling someone that you’re naked and then feeling their legs all in the same evening is probably universal
  4351. >Even if the touching was done with magic
  4352. >Asking her about flirting could end in disaster if she takes it the wrong way
  4353. >You’re in the dark
  4354. >Meanwhile, she’s practically dragging you around the bases with all of this cuddling and ear-scratching, telling you that you remind her of her brother the whole time
  4355. >It reminds you of the totally not incestuous and not creepy relationship in the ‘Friendship is Witchcraft’ parodies, and possibly also Equestria Girls’ Brad
  4356. >This is something you’re not sure you’re okay with
  4357. >It feels forced
  4358. >Both in Equestria Girls and in your present situation
  4359. >This bullshit with Spike and the phone could make this go fully public
  4360.  
  4361.  
  4362. >She may make you the real life ‘Brad,’ thereby destroying more ships than the Pacific theater of World War Two
  4363. >Brad is the last thing you want to be identified with
  4364. >The death threats would never end
  4365. >And that’s if the majority of people would be okay or neutral to you being the first human to have a romantic relationship with a real live My Little P0ny
  4366. >This had better stay under wraps
  4367. >If a cute girl with an appealing personality is throwing herself at you in a situation that wouldn’t result in daily sperg-rage fueled assassination attempts, you’d be hesitant to say no
  4368. >If she's a master wizard who can use spells to ensure your sex life is perpetually interesting, it would be insane to say no
  4369. >…except maybe in this case
  4370. >She’s a horse, after all
  4371. >Horsefuckery in general is a bit of a gray area for you
  4372. >That old image macro is sort of right when it says ‘your dick can’t tell the difference’ between plot and ass, but your brain can, and your brain is still on the fence about this
  4373. >Then there’s everyone else in the house
  4374. >They’d find out for sure
  4375.  
  4376.  
  4377. >You’re conflicted about whether you’d willingly say yes if Twilight says she wants you to give her the D
  4378. >Who knows what they’d think if they learn that she got the D from you?
  4379. >Your parents are pretty open, but this is horsefucking we’re talking about
  4380. >And what would Celestia think?
  4381. >She’s in another dimension or some shit (Twilight never did explain that to anyone), but if Celestia gets pissed at you for banging her student, you may be several kinds of fucked
  4382. >Possibility of kinky magic-sex or not, this is not the ideal horsefucking situation
  4383. >At least Twilight hasn’t tied you down all the way and stripped your pants off in a frenzied attempt to get a hot monkey dicking
  4384. >This is only a friendship
  4385. >The situation is possibly under control
  4386. >Keep her calm and happy, but be honest with her
  4387. >If it means making her smile and not getting reverse-raped, you’ll go through with the magic testing
  4388. >Anything for that smile of hers
  4389. >Holy FUCK is that smile cute
  4390. >Not the sexy kind of cute, just the endearing kind
  4391. >Not the ‘you gonna get raped’ kind of smile, either
  4392. >It’s not horrifying enough to be a rape-smile
  4393. >Or horrifying ever, really
  4394.  
  4395.  
  4396. >You wish she’d just tell you how magic works, already
  4397. >The least she could do is give you those books so you could read up and get that hidden letter from Celestia and Luna
  4398. >You’re not going to get the spellbooks easily, though
  4399. >She needs to trust you
  4400. >The quickest way to do this is to let her do experiments on you
  4401. >Not ideal, but if it works, it works
  4402. >At least she let you keep your arms free so you can read the history book she gave you
  4403. >It’s kind of hard to read when the magic keeps going slack and breaking your attention
  4404. >You’re also strapped to the wall right behind her, so you can see what she’s doing on the computer
  4405. >You recommended a couple of songs for the transition between jazz and rock a few minutes ago
  4406. >Her reactions were strange
  4407. >Even though ‘I Will Survive’ is about a breakup, Twilight was really movin’ and groovin’ when she was listening to it
  4408. >Then she got to your second recommendation, ‘Stand By Me’
  4409. >She tensed up as soon as the first line of vocals finished
  4410. >She wouldn’t tell you why
  4411. >It seems like she got past it as soon as it got to the chorus, though
  4412.  
  4413.  
  4414. >You wish she’d just tell you how magic works, already
  4415. >The least she could do is give you those books so you could read up and get that hidden letter from Celestia and Luna
  4416. >You’re not going to get the spellbooks easily, though
  4417. >She needs to trust you
  4418. >The quickest way to do this is to let her do experiments on you
  4419. >Not ideal, but if it works, it works
  4420. >At least she let you keep your arms free so you can read the history book she gave you
  4421. >It’s kind of hard to read when the magic keeps going slack and breaking your attention
  4422. >You’re also strapped to the wall right behind her, so you can see what she’s doing on the computer
  4423. >You recommended a couple of songs for the transition between jazz and rock a few minutes ago
  4424. >Her reactions were strange
  4425. >Even though ‘I Will Survive’ is about a breakup, Twilight was really movin’ and groovin’ when she was listening to it
  4426. >Then she got to your second recommendation, ‘Stand By Me’
  4427. >She tensed up as soon as the first line of vocals finished
  4428. >She wouldn’t tell you why
  4429. >It seems like she got past it as soon as it got to the chorus, though
  4430.  
  4431.  
  4432. >Right now, she has a stream of NPR’s local broadcast running as she browses for stuff about how humans do medicine
  4433. >You’d block all streaming, but that’s not going to make any difference because you can’t block the radio signals
  4434. >She would just ask for a little radio to use downstairs
  4435. >Recent browsing history that’s of note: Deus Ex, Gulliver’s Travels, a little about the politics and events of the 1960s, more books and music, nothing about war and weapons, and a fuckton about hands
  4436. >As if she didn’t get a good enough look at your hand on the night you agreed to these tests
  4437. >It’s entirely possible that she’s gone Lyra and wants the hand instead of the D, but that still counts as horsefucking in your book
  4438. >She didn’t look up any porn, so it’s unclear if she has a hand-specific fetish for humans, or if she wants the D (or anything) at all
  4439. >She straight up lied about taking walks in Google Streetview
  4440. >That was the first thing you checked after dinner last Saturday
  4441. >Your firewall shows only twenty minutes of activity on Google Maps ever since she got her computer
  4442. >Bullshit “I’m making a habit of it,” Purplesmart; she’s barely checked what it is
  4443. >You can’t exactly call her on it
  4444. >Secret surveillance works best when it’s a secret
  4445. >So unless there are consequences to whatever she did to learn of that Italian restaurant, you’re not doing anything
  4446. >Fuckdammit
  4447. >It’s only fair that you do something to punish her, but she’s untouchable
  4448.  
  4449.  
  4450. >She’s also been picking boring movies to watch lately
  4451. >‘Maltese Falcon’ was okay, but the idea of a detective that doesn’t carry a gun seems silly, and ‘Citizen Kane’ wasn’t very entertaining since you already knew the Rosebud spoiler
  4452. >Between the Wild West shootouts and the ‘Nam firefight in ‘Forrest Gump,’ she’s sick of all the violence
  4453. >Somewhat literally sick of it, even though she had you skip almost all of the Vietnam segment
  4454. >Twilight also insists on skipping the sex scenes, presumably because they would be awkward to watch this early in the relationship (if it’s a relationship)
  4455. >You haven’t seen some of these movies before, so you’d like to watch them all the way through without interruption
  4456. >Unfortunately, what Twilight says, goes
  4457. >And she doesn't like watching horses being ridden, so the westerns are done
  4458. >You wanted her to watch ‘Blazing Saddles’ because it transitions into the next theme you wanted her to see
  4459. >The cowboys and injuns theme in some of the westerns was only touching on it
  4460. >On second thought, hitting her over the head with “The sheriff’s a nigg*GONG*” would probably be a little too blunt
  4461. >You’re not sure if she even caught the point you wanted to get across with the westerns, though she did let out a tidbit of Equestrian history you were wondering about
  4462.  
  4463.  
  4464. >In ‘The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly’ one of the characters (‘The Bad,’ a ruthless bounty hunter) was called ‘Angel Eyes’
  4465. >Strangely enough, this segued into a conversation about what it means for Twilight to be a princess, and how the first alicornization happened shortly after Discord’s defeat
  4466. >That coronation was for ‘Angel,’ a blond pegasus with a white coat who went out of her way as a doctor to help Discord’s victims
  4467. >According to Twilight and ‘Everything Equestria has Endured,’ a ‘princess’ holds no authority unless the two actual Princesses appoint her to do something
  4468. >It’s still a title deserving of respect and a symbolic induction into Celestia and Luna’s family
  4469. >You got the feeling that she brought this up just to get her mind off the idea of an ‘angel’ being immoral and cruel, like ‘Angel Eyes’
  4470. >At least you got her through the end of ‘The Outcast Josey Wales,’ which is about a fugitive Confederate soldier fleeing from the end of the Civil War after his chance at surrender turns bloody
  4471. >The fugitive’s name is Josey Wales, of course
  4472. >You had some good discussions with her over that movie
  4473. >You discussed the ethics of owning a living being and branding cows, following up on a similar conversation about the accidentally-purchased Indian wife in ‘The Searchers’
  4474.  
  4475.  
  4476. >It was also fun debating whether one of the Union soldiers’ quotes about “winning the peace after winning the war” could be applied to modern conflicts, and she allowed you to go on a rant about the snake oil salesman in the movie
  4477. >The gist of the rant was that the Boston Big Dig tunnel project is a perfect example of what can go wrong in capitalism
  4478. >It wasted public money, it went over budget and past deadlines, then it killed a woman when a ceiling panel in the Ted Williams Tunnel fell on her car a few years ago
  4479. >All that because the embezzling executives in charge of it wanted money for themselves instead of for materials that met the standards
  4480. >Needless to say, you have a bit of a problem with capitalism and how it encourages this sort of behavior
  4481. >Twilight caught onto this rather quickly
  4482. >She didn’t approve, because the logical alternative to a free market is one that has no freedom
  4483. >You had to clarify to her that you think Winston Churchill’s quote about Democracy being “the worst system of government, except for the other ones that are tried from time to time” could be applied just as easily to economies and capitalism, and that the Soviet Union was essentially the same as Tsarist Russia
  4484. >It’s the same shit under a different flag
  4485. >Needless to say, you have a bit of a problem with how everyone seems to think that there’s some fundamental difference between Russia’s communist and capitalist phases
  4486.  
  4487.  
  4488. >It’s still nobles riding the backs of downtrodden, uneducated peasants while a deified leader strokes his ego
  4489. >The only difference being that the post-October Revolution peasants are under threat of death if they complain and the nobles are more organized
  4490. >On paper, it was supposed to be nothing but happiness and beet soup
  4491. >The reality is that Marx didn’t account for the main flaw of so many social systems: people will always act like people, not emotionless flesh-robots that always place collective interests before their own
  4492. >You’re not sure how much of the rant Twilight actually listened to
  4493. >It’s pretty clear that she heard your conclusion about how you only kept talking because you like to hear the sound of your own voice
  4494. >You did swear to be honest, after all
  4495. >She came close to laughing at that, and it was SO FUCKING CUTE
  4496. >The TV show doesn’t do justice to how adorkable she is in person when she’s not acting like a needy bitch
  4497. >She definitely heard the word ‘communism,’ because she mentioned that the Xiezhi’s strong justice system has made collective living the norm in the Xiezhi Qilin Collective
  4498. >Thanks to them, Twilight got a justified opportunity to rub Equestria’s utopiousness (is that a word?) in your face again
  4499. >You’ll let her have that one because it was appropriate and she wasn’t overbearing about how awesome Equestria-world is
  4500.  
  4501.  
  4502. >‘Josey Wales’ did a good job of continuing the ‘red indian’/‘red communist’ allegory
  4503. >It was made in the 70s, when people were so sure that the Cold War would last forever in a stalemate
  4504. >Near the end, there’s a big lead-up to a fight with some Native Americans
  4505. >Josey gives a semi-inspirational speech to the people helping him make his cottage siegeworthy, saying “When things look bad and it looks like you’re not going to make it, you’ve got to get mean, and I mean plumb, mad dog mean. If you lose your head, you neither live nor win.”
  4506. >That’s some damn good advice
  4507. >You ought to find a way to make Twilight take it
  4508. >She’s too thin-skinned
  4509. >If she gets into an actual life-or-death situation on Earth, she might panic
  4510. >She’s quite possibly the most powerful being on the planet
  4511. >She'll need to remember that if her life depends on it
  4512. >Anyway, it looks like Josey and the Native Americans are going to end up killing each other
  4513. >A couple of the people in Josey’s party get kidnapped by a tribe of Native Americans and buried up to their necks near an anthill
  4514. >Then Josey casually rides into the tribe’s camp on his faithful steed, fully prepared to go out in a blaze of glory (that horse must be stronger than it looks if it can carry a man with balls that big)
  4515. >Josey looks the chieftain in the eye the way that only characters played by Clint Eastwood can…
  4516. >…And makes a blood pact to live on their land peacefully, freeing the two prisoners in the process
  4517. >ANTICLIMAX!
  4518.  
  4519.  
  4520. >The chieftain says something like “Governments don’t live together: people do. Men can live together without butchering each other.”
  4521. >It’s all touchy-feely, but you agree with the first part of that quote more than the second part
  4522. >You commented on how it was like the First World and the Second World agreeing not to kill eachother and let everyone do their own thing after the Cuban Missile Crisis put the fear of death into people
  4523. >Twilight commented on how it was similar to the founding of Equestria in Buffalo territory, and she liked the latter half of that chieftain’s quote more
  4524. >And then she commented on how she didn’t like how horses were ridden through bushes and down ledges during the actual climax, where the Union soldiers that were tracking Josey finally catch up to him
  4525. >Crazily enough, you’re actually starting to like being around Twilight
  4526. >She complains a lot, but she’s really fun to talk to
  4527. >Continuing on the topic of crazy things, there’s the p0ny fandom
  4528. >You’ve been keeping tabs on it to update the filter
  4529. >Which it REALLY needs to be because p0ny is re-entering the public consciousness during the run-up to Equestria Girls
  4530. >Two websites Twilight’s been trying and trying and trying to visit are ‘http://www.npr.org/templates/rundowns/rundown.php?prgId=35&prgDate=6-1-2013’ and pretty much every search engine’s results for ‘my little pony’
  4531. >You spent so much of that day just making sure that the autosuggestions were also blocked
  4532. >Too fucking close
  4533.  
  4534.  
  4535. >All that because of a program that’s supported listeners like you
  4536. >Donate now and we’ll send you a gift basket and register you for a drawing to win a cruise in the Caribbean
  4537. >Et tu, public radio?
  4538. >Wasn’t the Deviantart scare enough?
  4539. >She’s been running up against the web filter so much that she has to suspect something by now
  4540. >If she sees you browsing the internet, you’re equally fucked as if she gets something the filter didn’t catch
  4541. >MLP’s internet following needs to be watched like a hawk at this point
  4542. >Partly to update your blacklist, but also because it’s still strangely comforting
  4543. >Even though you’ve got a pone of your own, it’s not all it’s cracked up to be
  4544. >You’re still in the fandom because you can never get off the ride, even if your life has been derailed in the service of Princess Twilight
  4545. >Pone fandom is going over the goddamn edge, maybe for real this time
  4546. >The announcement of Alicorn Twilight tore them apart, Hasbro’s legal department canning the ‘Fighting is Magic’ fan game tore them apart, the announcement of Equestria Girls tore them apart, and Faust visiting 4chan is tearing them apart right now
  4547. >At least /mlp/ made a “thank you” collage for her (parts of the collage were porn)
  4548. >Now there’s the rumor that ‘Brad’ from Equestria Girls is not only going to be Twilight’s official boyfriend from now on, but she’s going to bring him from humanland to Equestria and have him ponified so they can get married as well
  4549.  
  4550.  
  4551. >This is rustling so many jimmies it’s not even funny
  4552. >Okay, it’s sort of funny
  4553. >That’s beside the point
  4554. >It’s almost like Hasbro is deliberately trying to kill the brony phenomenon off with controversy after controversy
  4555. >The fandom refuses to die, but it’s losing its fucking mind
  4556. >Continuing even further on the topic of madness, Equestria went through nearly ten years of Discord fucking everything up before Celestia and Luna sprang into existence
  4557. >And then it took them all of a day to get Discord into a position where they could use the Elements of Harmony on him
  4558. >It took a good two decades more before Equestria had been cleaned up from all of Discord’s fuckery and be considered a legitimate country again instead of a disaster zone with a government
  4559. >They finished unfucking Equestria almost exactly 1500 years ago
  4560. >The book claims it would’ve taken longer without Celestia and Luna at the helm, but it’s weirdly scarce on details about how they came to exist as natural alicorns
  4561. >It just says that Celestia and Luna were first witnessed fighting Discord and imprisoning him with the Elements of Harmony
  4562. >Everyp0ny who saw it was so awestruck that they insisted that the sisters govern their country, especially after the sisters explained they were the manifestations of a collective will to overthrow Discord and live in Harmony
  4563. >Capital ‘H’ again
  4564. >The book finally got around to explaining Harmony, but it’s clearly for someone who already knows the concept
  4565.  
  4566.  
  4567. >Friendship is magic because magic ties the universe together like friendship ties people together
  4568. >Something like that
  4569. >Anyway, the entire mob that had gathered around Celestia and Luna spontaneously decided that these mysterious but extremely well-spoken earth pony/pegasus/unicorn hybrids were the ideal leaders
  4570. >And they were pretty much right
  4571. >Twilight wasn’t kidding when she was praising the bejeebus out of them
  4572. >They’re athletic, they’ve made several pieces of fine art, they’re fair and just, and they possess genius-level intelligence
  4573. >Celestia and Luna are spectacular at nearly anything, though Celestia is technically stellar (ha ha)
  4574. >Celly and Lulu confirmed for renaissance mares/Mary Sues
  4575. >You think they’re pretty good
  4576. >Sombra, on the other hand/hoof/appendage…
  4577. >Sombra had something against them
  4578. >He was born into a noble family about 450 years before Nightmare Moon was banished 1003 years ago, and went into politics at the age of 24
  4579. >By the age of 30, he was a local governor in the temperate mountains of northern Equestria
  4580. >It’s unclear when he developed his obsession with crystals
  4581. >Having been born in the early years of Equestria, he’d witnessed a few secessions from early Equestria and read even more about the secessions that occurred before Discord’s rule
  4582.  
  4583.  
  4584. >Coltalunia seceded first because they didn’t accept English/Equestrian as the new national language
  4585. >Then the Isles of Bittania seceded because they weren’t part of the mainland and felt culturally excluded
  4586. >And then there’s Trotland, one of the original unicorn tribal areas, which almost did a seception
  4587. >Which is to say that they wanted to secede from Bittania, which had seceded from Equestria
  4588. >It starts to sound familiar at this point
  4589. >Up until now, it was human history in the wrong order and with p0nies
  4590. >Now it’s just with p0nies
  4591. >Shit, even the geography is familiar
  4592. >Anyway, the Trottish were culturally different enough from the Bittish that secession sounded like a good idea
  4593. >They would’ve gone through with it if Starswirl wasn’t a native Trotlander
  4594. >He helped to resolve this dispute before they went any deeper
  4595. >As soon as you got to that section, Twilight talked your ear off about how his mad diplomatic skillz and magical innovations impressed Celestia and Luna so much that they appointed him as their chief advisor
  4596. >He’s supposed to be the one who discovered the age spells that have kept the Princesses alive so long, and he himself lived at least 480 years until his presumed death 437 years before Nightmare Moon’s banishment
  4597. >Starswirl is believed to be the only p0ny who was alive through all the events between the fall of the Pegasi Empire and the rise of the Princesses
  4598. >The only thing you DON’T know about Starswirl now is how he died
  4599.  
  4600.  
  4601. >Twilight doesn’t know either>Starswirl just vanished one day and was never heard from again
  4602. >The popular guess is that he had some sort of accident while experimenting with magic
  4603. >In any case, the Princesses fixed everything Discord broke, reunified with the areas that had seceded, then made Equestria better than it ever was
  4604. >There was a golden age
  4605. >The two areas that had seceded agreed to be Equestrian territory again if they could manage their own affairs
  4606. >Scholarly subjects and art flourished
  4607. >During this time, Starswirl made some of his most complicated spells
  4608. >P0nies lived in Harmony (capital ‘H’) and peace (not capitalized)
  4609. >The first alicornization coronation had occurred
  4610. >P0nies had something to aspire to in life, and without Discord around, they had nothing to fear
  4611. >Everything was hunky-dory
  4612. >Nop0ny had a reason to complain, but Sombra thought “Fuck this shit, I’m going to secede BECAUSE I CAN. Also, I love crystals.”
  4613.  
  4614.  
  4615. >And then he seceded BECAUSE HE COULD, crowning himself the first king of the Crystal Kingdom
  4616. >At first, everyone was like “Dunno why you’d want to leave utopia or name a kingdom ‘Crystal Kingdom’ when it’s just a regular kingdom that’s got a normal amount of crystals, but you can do your own thing if it’s not hurting anyone.”
  4617. >So people were okay with it, if a little confused
  4618. >That was until Sombra kicked out all the p0nies except for earth p0nies
  4619. >Then a bunch of p0nies were like “Yeah, not cool bro. My cousin lived there. Past tense. He doesn’t live there anymore. Now he’s sleeping on my couch because you’re being a dick.”
  4620. >After that dick move, Sombra pulled the dickest of dick moves
  4621. >He used dark magic to turn all the p0nies in his kingdom into crystal ponies, all the architecture into crystal stuff, and put up magical mental blocks so his subjects would feel physical pain every time they thought about working against him
  4622. >Sombra started calling all of his subjects ‘slaves’ and referring to his kingdom as an ‘empire’ at this point
  4623. >He also said he would never allow a princess to be heir to his empire, either through succession or conquest
  4624. >That last one is thought to have been intended as a personal insult to Celestia and Luna
  4625. >The reaction from Equestria was a resounding “OH SHIT, NIGGA! WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!”
  4626.  
  4627.  
  4628. >Once Equestria got its collective wits back from that shock, its military blockaded the Crystal Empire
  4629. >Celestia and Luna came in with their Royal Guard and gave Sombra an ultimatum: step down within a week, or be deposed
  4630. >Naturally, Sombra lost no momentum in his dickery streak and gave the Princesses a good old “come at me, bro” in response
  4631. >What followed was totally not a war
  4632. >Really
  4633. >Not a war at all
  4634. >Or at least the book goes out of its way to say it isn’t a war, though it admits some scholars disagree
  4635. >It was peacekeeping by the precursors to the Royal Guard
  4636. >And apparently this wasn’t even in the history books until recently
  4637. >Kind of weird, considering that the Crystal Kingdom’s succession is sort of a big occasion
  4638. >In any case, p0nies had a big fight
  4639. >The crystal ponies who got those mental blocks were lucky by comparison to Sombra’s soldiers
  4640. >He cast a spell that blocked them from controlling their own bodies, physically forcing them to do nothing but what he told them to do
  4641. >They couldn’t talk, smile, frown, move, or do anything that conflicted with their schedules or orders
  4642. >Sombra even killed one by ordering him to stop his own heart
  4643. >The soldiers still had full control of their senses and could think clearly, but they were prisoners in their own bodies
  4644. >The only reason that’s known is because fourteen of the Crystal Empire’s soldiers were outside of the area that vanished, and the spell lost its effect when Sombra became a literal shadow of his former self
  4645.  
  4646.  
  4647. >This was a big blow to morale for all the p0nies that fought to liberate the Crystal Kingdom
  4648. >They thought they could take no prisoners because their enemies seemed to be magically animated and not really alive
  4649. >It probably would have been even more devastating if Sombra’s endgame spell had made the liberating force disappear along with his kingdom
  4650. >As it was, it left all the Equestrians untouched, but everything else vanished
  4651. >Long story short, Sombra went crazy for no apparent reason and made the northern part of Equestria permanently artic
  4652. >The best explanation there is for his actions is the speech he gave before he disappeared
  4653. >It doesn’t explain much
  4654. >The guy was a fucking nut
  4655. >You’re looking at the transcript right now, and you can’t make any sense of his argument
  4656. >Sombra’s mental state must not have deteriorated much between the time he disappeared and returned, that much is obvious
  4657. >He’s barely acknowledging the words being said to him at times
  4658. >Despite that, he manages to get Celestia to cry when it becomes clear that he’s about to get his way
  4659. >It’s like he’s a Saturday morning cartoon villain
  4660. >Granted, he actually IS a Saturday morning cartoon villain, but now he’s real, and he’s actually pretty grimdark
  4661.  
  4662.  
  4663. Luna: It ends here, “Crystal King.” You will submit so you may face the consequences for this selfish endeavor.
  4664. Sombra: Selfish? I have given my subjects nothing but gifts! Their crystalline bodies are elegant, durable, beautiful… hmm… perhaps it did have something to do with my desires, but that does not matter. Did you not realize I was making a statement by seceding? I reject your rule because you are both impure! The earth ponies will all be crystallized and serve me, and the rest shall accept us as their superiors or be crushed.
  4665. Luna: Our subjects accept us, unlike yours. We serve them selflessly.
  4666. Sombra: But my subjects do accept me. I have simply opened their eyes to the greatness that is the Crystal Empire! Their bodies and minds are perfected, but I shall remain as I was, reminding them of how far they have come under my rule. I will be the greatest ruler in history, greater than even you!
  4667. Celestia: You are wrong. Even if you were correct, that changes nothing. Their will is for us to rule them.
  4668. Sombra: Their will is for me to rule them! I am a king! I am royalty, the same as you! I have all the rights in the world to be their king! More rights, even! I am a gentlec0lt of pure descent, unlike you freaks!
  4669. Celestia: You are nothing like us. You are a slave driver and a murderer.
  4670.  
  4671.  
  4672. Sombra: I haven’t been referring to my kingdom as an ‘empire’ for no reason. You know what I intend! Complete global domination! That was the true statement of my secession! All of Equestria, then all the world shall be mine, and you will be powerless to stop me!
  4673. Luna: Hold your tongue, fiend!
  4674. Sombra: Ah, you must fear me. Someone who actually poses a threat to you is quite an unnerving thing, isn’t it?
  4675. Celestia: The truth couldn’t be further from your words!
  4676. Sombra: I made this empire. I made all the crystal ponies and the whole of my kingdom with my own magic. I could kill you, if you had the courage to duel me instead of this unfair and cowardly confrontation.
  4677. Celestia: We swore to uphold a just and peaceful society, and by the heavens, we shall!
  4678. Sombra: If that’s what you want, allow me to assist. Kill me now, or I make everything my magic has ever touched vanish. This whole city will be gone in a flash. Millions of crystal ponies will be gone, and I won’t be the only one to blame. Make your choice before I make the decision for you.
  4679. Celestia: You won’t have the chance!
  4680. Luna: Sister, wait!
  4681. Sombra: Very well. It seems that ‘democracy’ has prevailed. The neighs have it. Luna and I against, and Celestia’s single vote in favor. You lose. Farewell, princesses.
  4682. Celestia: Silence! Silence!
  4683. Sombra: I’ve one last thing to say. Long live my Empire! THERE SHALL NEVER BE A CRYSTAL PRINCESS!
  4684.  
  4685.  
  4686. “Man, dark magic is worse than syphilis.”
  4687. >Still looking at her computer, Twilight responds to your musing
  4688. >“Worse by magnitudes. Tertiary neurosyphilis doesn’t make you malevolent, just demented.”
  4689. “The reason I bring it up is because this guy’s practically p0ny Hitler, and I think I heard that Hitler had syphilis. It makes me wonder what Hitler would have done if he had one atom bomb and no means to deliver it when the Soviets were invading Berlin.”
  4690. >“I’d prefer not to think about it.”
  4691. “I’m fascinated with it, personally. What would the world be like now? What if the Allies went through with ‘Operation Unthinkable’ and tried to attack the Soviet Union?”
  4692. >“I said I’d prefer not to think about it.”
  4693. “Alright, just saying. ‘What if’ is a powerful question, especially at turning points like 1945.”
  4694. >Well, that means you ought to stop talking about it
  4695. >It’s not like you’re in a position to do anything from your spot in the magic hugbo-
  4696. >The magic is sagging again
  4697. >Dammit, you’re trying to read
  4698. “Twilight?”
  4699. >“Give it a second and it should go back to normal.”
  4700. >If anyone here knows what they’re talking about, it’s Twilight
  4701. >She figured out how to make magic not terrifying
  4702. >If she figures out how to make it reliable, that’s definitely going to make her happ-
  4703. >Oh, it did fix itself
  4704. >How about that
  4705. “Yeah, there it goes.”
  4706.  
  4707.  
  4708. >Twilight restarts the conversation, but doesn’t turn away from her computer
  4709. >“I don’t mean to make it sound like I disagree with you.”
  4710. “Oh?”
  4711. >“I just wasn’t comfortable with the example you used. I’d have preferred math. Literally anything can be represented with numbers, and I’m speaking from recent experience when I say that massive equations can be undone by one error.”
  4712. “You’re really glad to be done with that thing, huh?”
  4713. >“It didn’t help that he was using a calculator and I was doing it by hoof. You wouldn’t believe how many dead ends Jon and I chased because we thought we’d dropped a significant figure when rounding off our decimals.”
  4714. “I’ve never had much of a head for math.”
  4715. >“You know, the internet has plenty of things to help with that. Have you ever heard of Khan Academy?”
  4716. >From her internet history, yes
  4717. “Is that some sort of education website?”
  4718. >“Despite the name, it’s got nothing about throwing corpses at besieged cities. It’s essentially a free online college. Jon told me about it when he was brushing up on how to use imaginary numbers.”
  4719. “If you’re trying to get me to do work during school vacation, forget it. I’d prefer Planetside.”
  4720. >Twilight doesn’t speak for a few seconds, then when she does, she sounds incredulous
  4721. >“Okay, no. Just… no. I’ve completely lost respect for you as a person if you were trying to say killing everything on the planet is preferable to bettering yourself.”
  4722. >What?
  4723. >That’s not what you were trying to say at all!
  4724.  
  4725.  
  4726. >You roll your eyes at the silly pone hearing what she wants to hear and peek out from behind your book to reply
  4727. >She’s still looking at the computer
  4728. “No, it’s planet side. As in ‘on the surface of a planet, as opposed to orbiting or being in transit between planets.’”
  4729. >“Oh. No wonder it sounded like the wrong term. That would have been kind of hard to reconcile with the quote from Deacon Jones they just played on the ‘Here and Now’ program.”
  4730. >Crisis averted
  4731. “Who’s Deacon Jones?”
  4732. >“He’s a hoofball- pardon me. He’s a football player that died recently. He was famous for being very aggressive, and they just played a clip of him saying that violence is a search for identity.”
  4733. “That’s a good quote. Wish I’d heard of him sooner, but I don’t follow sports. That’s more Eliza’s thing, if you’ll believe it.”
  4734. >“Which sports? I’ve been trying to find conversation starters with her, but she’s out of the house so much that I haven’t gotten much chance to know her.”
  4735. “Baseball. It’s a numbers game, and she’s a math teacher. It only makes sense, I guess.”
  4736. >“Thanks. I’ll try to remember that.”
  4737. >Twilight stays quiet for a few seconds and then realizes something
  4738. >“Wait, planetside is an adjective. Why did you use it as a noun?”
  4739. “It’s the title of a videogame I’m playing.”
  4740. >“Ah. That actually gives me a good segway back to the topic of the Butterfly Effect. What would have happened if you hadn’t brought up that you’d prefer that game?”
  4741.  
  4742.  
  4743. “I would have given you one less chance to jump to conclusions about my species, and we wouldn’t have stopped talking about Chaos Theory.”
  4744. >You lick your finger and flip the page of the history book
  4745. >It’s getting to the boring parts about the time between the foundation of Equestria and Nightmare Moon’s banishment, so you can divide your attention between the conversation and the book
  4746. >“Yeah, probably. By the way, never call the Butterfly Effect ‘Chaos Theory’ when I’m around. EVER.”
  4747. >Wow, she got touchy about that
  4748. >If you push her, she’ll definitely get mad ab-
  4749. >Fucking magic is sagging AGAIN
  4750. >No wonder she’s pissed about how unreliable it is
  4751. >Can’t even have a conversation
  4752. “I’ll, uh, keep that in mind. Can you fix the magic again?”
  4753. >“Give it a moment. Sorry for taking that tone with you; it’s just that chaos has some… connotations that I don’t like.”
  4754. >Fair enough, p0nies did have to deal with Discord and shit
  4755. >She also had to deal with Discord personally, but she never has mentioned-
  4756. >Yup, there it goes
  4757. “Alright, it’s working again. You were saying?”
  4758. >“Atomic half-lives and math, especially binary math, are great examples of how timelines could branch and diverge based on minute differences. There are so many possible alternatives to what we’re perceiving right now. For another example, there are more than a billion chances for this computer to swap a one and a zero by accident and freeze, but it’s working FLAWLESSLY.”
  4759.  
  4760.  
  4761. >The way she said “flawlessly” makes you think she’s going to say “except for” very soon
  4762. >“…Except for the internet. That keeps malfunctioning for some reason. Any ideas why?”
  4763. >Called it
  4764. >As for her question: yes, but you’re not going to say yes or no
  4765. “I’m no expert. It could be any number of reasons. Something that complicated is going to find its way to prove Murphy’s law one way or another.”
  4766. >“If it can go wrong, it will. And here it is, going wrong. Ugh.”
  4767. >Jon must have taught her that law during the Canterlot Computer fiasco
  4768. >If she’s figured out that you’re what’s wrong with her internet connection, she’ll say it now
  4769. >“Darn. I know it’s not my magic, because that’s electrically neutral. I don’t think I’ve fiddled with the networking ports or anything like that. Maybe it’s something on your provider’s side.”
  4770. >She doesn’t know it’s you, but she does suspect something
  4771. >Crisis delayed
  4772. >Change the subject to be safe
  4773. “So, did you confirm your findings about how magic isn’t freaking me out?”
  4774. >“I might have, actually. I’m thinking about ending today’s testing. Would you like to come down now?”
  4775. “Sure.”
  4776. >Cool, now you might actually find out why she wanted those bellyrubs
  4777. >You have no idea how it would work, but this business of humans being so unmagical that she still can’t tell anyone in Canterlot might have something to do with it
  4778.  
  4779.  
  4780. >If physical contact amplifies her magic or something, that would explain a few things
  4781. >It might also mean you’re going to have to get really close to her
  4782. >Please don’t say awkward sex, please don’t say awkward sex, please don’t say awkward sex, normal sex maybe, but please not awkward sex
  4783. >“Too bad. You’re staying there until I want you to come down.”
  4784. >That’s almost as bad as awkward sex!
  4785. >What happened to not abusinFUCKFUCKFUCKSHIIIIIIIIIIT
  4786. >WHATEVER SHE DID TO MAKE THE MAGIC NOT SCARY ISN’T HAPPENING RIGHT NOW
  4787. >The glow on her horn disappears, releasing you much slower than you’d like and dropping you sideways onto her mattress
  4788. >It takes a half of a second as opposed to the RIGHT NOW that you’d been hoping for
  4789. >She spins around in her computer chair, leaving her earbuds in as she speaks
  4790. >“Just kidding! That was the last part of the test. Thank you!”
  4791. “Dammit, Twilight! That wasn’t funny!”
  4792. >“Ah, but now I know you can tell when I’m abusing my magic! My hypotheses were completely correct.”
  4793. >Wat
  4794. >You sit up on her bed after the soft drop
  4795. “What the hell are you talking about?”
  4796. >“I’ve made a fantastic discovery! Humans seem to be able to sense when the magic being used on them is for a selfish purpose. For example…”
  4797. >You feel a chair form under and behind you
  4798. >It unfolds into a vertical surface like a dentist’s chair on speed, forcing you onto your feet
  4799.  
  4800.  
  4801. >“I just saved you the trouble of standing up, and I get to go back to the internet that much sooner. None of that instinctive fear, I presume?”
  4802. >Makes sense
  4803. “That surprised me a little, but no. Why didn’t you just tell me this?”
  4804. >“I think your motivations for allowing me to use a spell on you might affect it as well. Tell me, what were you thinking about when you agreed to do this test today?”
  4805. “I wanted to do something that would make you happy.”
  4806. >“Now, what if I carry you upstairs?”
  4807. “If you don’t drop me, sure.”
  4808. >She’s held you aloft so many times that you barely think about it anymore
  4809. >There’s still that nagging doubt that she could either mess up or get angry at you, but these are essentially magical trust-fall exercises
  4810. >She’s caught you every time so far
  4811. >Still, you’d prefer to be able to trust her as far as you can throw her
  4812. >If she’s right about this, you’ve got a chance to figure out whether she’s going berserk before the actual berserking occurs
  4813. >It’s probably not going to be be of much use, and you still can’t do anything to stop her
  4814. >Better than nothing, at least
  4815. >You’re smothered in purple stuff for the umpteenth time as Twilight pulls out her earbuds
  4816. >It begins to lift you off your feet and AH FUCK SHIT PISSCOCKS AAAAAAAAAAA
  4817. >She drops you back onto your own two legs
  4818. >“Were you-? Yeah, that scared you. I get no benefit from taking you upstairs. It’d only be a chore for me. Now, if I want you to scratch behind my ears…”
  4819.  
  4820.  
  4821.  
  4822. >Her horn lights up and she gives a (thankfully) short telekinetic tug on your hand
  4823. >It feels terrifying for the split second she’s doing it
  4824. >Both of you seem equally glad that it’s over quickly
  4825. >She seems less than amused that you pulled your hand back afterwards, clearing her throat impatiently and flopping an ear down
  4826. >Catpone wants scratchies
  4827. >Catpone gets five seconds of scratchies before you stop scratching and pull away
  4828. >Catpone follows your hand as you pull it back to your side
  4829. >You continue to scratch catpone, who is now nuzzling the outside of your leg with the side of her head as you continue to give her scratchies
  4830. >Catpone is making you feel a little uncomfortable, especially if catpone has ulterior motives
  4831. >“Meowwww…”
  4832. >That noise came from catpone, whose wings have become half-extended and are twitching slightly
  4833. >What the fuck, catpone
  4834. “Did you just meow?”
  4835. >Catpone moans out an answer
  4836. >“Mmmm… maybe…”
  4837. >Catpone’s weirdness surprises you into stopping momentarily
  4838. >Catpone whines in disappointment
  4839. >“Noooo… I want mooooore… Just a little more, please?”
  4840. >You resume scratching catpone
  4841. >Catpone is satisfied with the amount of scratchies she’s been given, and backs away to continue her magic lecture
  4842. >“Thank you. SO! If I’m doing something with magic that you don’t want me to do or you’re making me do something I don’t want to do, you’re going to know it! It’s almost symbiotic, don’t you think?”
  4843.  
  4844.  
  4845. >Geez, purplesmart is almost giddy with happiness
  4846. >Hopefully she’s not implying anything by “symbiosis”
  4847. “Uh, I guess so…”
  4848. >“It leans more towards commensality than mutuality, but I like the concept. Anyway, I’d like to get into the more complicated spells during our next session now that I can tell when I really shouldn’t be using magic on you. We’ll start with easier stuff, then work our way up.”
  4849. >Oh boy, here we go
  4850. >At least she’s doing science semi-ethically
  4851. “Are we done for today, though?”
  4852. >“Yup! I’m feeling satisfied with today’s results. Let’s end on a good note.”
  4853. >You pick the history book off of the bed and begin to leave
  4854. >“Wait! One more thing.”
  4855. >You stop in your tracks and turn back around
  4856. >Twilight has a small book in her hooves
  4857. >“Here. I want you to have this. I read it all the time when I was a filly. It’s not my personal copy, though; I’ve got that one on a special shelf in my library.”
  4858. >You take it out of her hooves with your free hand and get your first look at the title
  4859. >‘Foal’s First Spellbook: Safe Spells for Young Unicorns’
  4860. >FUCKING SCORE
  4861. >“It’s the absolute basics of spellcasting. I figure you’ve earned it.”
  4862. “I- wow! Thanks!”
  4863. >SWEEEET
  4864. >“Don’t get too excited. I don’t think you’ll figure out how to resist magic from something that simple. If you do, though, let me know. I want as few variables in these experiments as we can have.”
  4865.  
  4866.  
  4867. >Not as sweet, but still pretty sweet
  4868. “Yeah, yeah, scientific method and all that. Thanks again!”
  4869. >She chirps “You’re welcome” as you go upstairs and straight into your room
  4870. >Off beside your desk, your desktop’s fans are whirring softly as it proxies and filters Twilight’s interwebs
  4871. >Its screen went dark hours ago from inactivity
  4872. >You close the door behind you and start to leaf through the book for the hidden letter
  4873. >There are only fifty pages
  4874. >And none of them do that thing where the letter comes out of it
  4875. >Fuck, is it in this spellbook?
  4876. >You flip through it again
  4877. >And again
  4878. >And then one more time, just to be sure
  4879. >Nothing
  4880. >Well shit
  4881. >Looks like this isn’t such a score after all
  4882. >The letter must be in a different book
  4883. >At least it’s something interesting to read
  4884. >Alright, from the start
  4885.  
  4886.  
  4887. >How to do spells
  4888. >It tells you to ask an adult to supervise you when you’re trying spells, and to stop if you feel tired
  4889. >No problem there
  4890. >It doesn’t explain a damn thing about how to get magic into the horn
  4891. >Maybe that’s because it’s supposed to be instinctive, like walking or whatever
  4892. >Once it’s in the horn, you need to get it out through a specific spot on the horn
  4893. >Again, it doesn’t say how
  4894. >Then it lists a few general areas on the horn with which easy spells they’re associated with
  4895. >It tells you to have an adult measure your horn using the equations in a book that’s supposed to be packaged with the one you’re reading so they can find the exact spots for you
  4896. >You don’t have that book, so you won't
  4897.  
  4898.  
  4899. >It’s probably about finding the diameter of a cone or some other bullshit you wouldn’t bother to do
  4900. >The book tells you that to do magic, you need to picture exactly what you want to happen while keeping the flow of magic in exactly the right spot on the horn for that specific spell
  4901. >It also says that you should do this in front of an adult so they can tell you if you’re using more magic than you need to
  4902. >Attempting to cast several spells at the same time is something to avoid, as children generally can’t multitask well enough to focus on more than one spot and will probably use much more magic than they would if they cast each spell individually
  4903. >You ought to have an accurate mental image and keep your magic focused if you want to use your magic correctly
  4904. >There’s a chance that you’ll cast a spell you didn’t mean to if you get either of those wrong, but it’s more likely to fizzle and do nothing but waste your magic
  4905. >Get it perfectly right, however, and you’ll have high η
  4906. >Remember, “will plus skill!”
  4907. >You have no idea what η is
  4908. >It looks like a lowercase ‘N’
  4909. >Time to consult the expert
  4910.  
  4911.  
  4912. >You get off of your bed and pop open the door, leaning into the open basement doorway
  4913. >Before you speak, you look over towards the couch to check if Spike is done doing the dishes yet
  4914. >He’s not playing his games
  4915. >Must still be getting stuff clean for dinner
  4916. >Alright time to find out what this η thing is
  4917. “Hey, Twilight?”
  4918. >She calls back to you from the basement
  4919. >“Yes?”
  4920. >You hold the book up and point to it, as if she can see it from where you are
  4921. “What’s this ‘N’ symbol mean?”
  4922. >“Eta.”
  4923. “Ate a what? A sandwich?”
  4924. >“No, eta. It’s a Minoan symbol that’s shorthoof for efficiency.”
  4925. “Why not just say efficiency, then?”
  4926. >“It’s a book for kids. They wouldn’t remember how to spell it.”
  4927. “Okay, that makes sense. How does it relate to magic, exactly?”
  4928. >“It’s actually in human mathematics for efficiency, too. It’s a coefficient for how much energy gets put in to a process that determines how much energy is actually used.”
  4929. >That didn’t really answer your question
  4930. “No wonder I’ve never heard of it.”
  4931. >“η is a variable between zero and one. You multiply the energy input by the decimal to get the amount of energy that is put to use. The closer to one it is, the less energy is being wasted.”
  4932. >Is she trying to dodge the question of how this has something to do with magic?
  4933. “Got it. What about magic, though? How EXACTLY does it relate?”
  4934.  
  4935.  
  4936. >“To borrow a human phrase, magic with an eta coefficient of one would be the ‘Holy Grail’ of spellcasting. Sorry if I’m oversimplifying, but magic theory isn’t easy to explain without getting into the really deep mechanics of it.”
  4937. “Try me. Let’s see how much I can understand.”
  4938. >“Well… okay, but you asked for it!”
  4939. >There we go
  4940. >Twilight clears her throat and begins speaking with professorial enthusiasm
  4941. >“I have an average eta of about 0.860, though I can get it close to 0.930 if I’m really in the zone. Most mental image and magic control techniques are intended to mitigate the effects of inefficient magic. It’s possible to visibly identify what spell is being cast and what eta it’s being cast at with a mathematical function, assuming you know the the sine and conical Z and Y values of the sine’s origin. Shall I continue?”
  4942. >What did any of that even mean?
  4943. “Nevermind. Go back to layman’s terms, please.”
  4944. >Her enthusiasm sinks
  4945. >“It’s theorized that achieving eta one would look something like the effects of the ‘Green Lantern’ ring.”
  4946. >Twilight has been throwing in cultural references when she talks, lately
  4947. >From anyone else, it might be annoying
  4948. >From her, it actually helps you keep track of what she’s paying attention to
  4949.  
  4950.  
  4951. >You know she went to an antique comics website last night, but you didn’t check how long she spent on it
  4952. “You lost me at sine functions, but did you mean to say that you read some of the comics?”
  4953. >“Mhmm.”
  4954. >Time to give her a quick pop-quiz
  4955. “Let’s see if you were paying attention, then. Complete the following: in brightest day, in blackest night…”
  4956. >You wait for her to complete the Green Lantern oath
  4957. >She doesn’t say anything
  4958. >Fuck, this is awkward
  4959. “Twilight?”
  4960. >“Huh? Oh, I was just thinking. It kind of runs in the family. Mom’s a literary thinker, dad’s an astronomical thinker, Shining’s a strategic th- Wait, have you sent him a letter yet?”
  4961. >You actually haven’t sent Shining Armor a letter yet
  4962. >Whoopsie
  4963. “I’ll go do it in a second.”
  4964. >“Okay. It’s best not to keep him waiting, I’d think. I have a quick question, though.”
  4965. “Yes?”
  4966. >“Why does human media not show the lasting effects of their stories?”
  4967. “I dunno, maybe they think it’s too much work, or they want to keep the possibility of a sequel. ‘The Sandlot’ and ‘Animal House’ have narrated epilogues, if that’s what you mean.”
  4968. >“I'd expect at least a ‘to be continued,’ if that's the case. It’s not common, though?”
  4969. “Not really.”
  4970.  
  4971.  
  4972. >“That’s odd. I’d kind of expect that from media with such dramatic events. Equestrian movies are usually quite tame, but the ones that have big, life-altering events always follow up on their stories. On the other hoof, most human movies don’t even have a ‘and they lived happily ever after’ moment before the credits. Why would they leave out how Belle and The Beast’s lives were after he was cured? Did Gaston’s death…”
  4973. >You hear her lower her voice to a grumble briefly
  4974. >“…seriously, deaths in children’s movies… I digress, what effect would his death have had on the social circles of the town? And what about the magic mirror?”
  4975. >Oh shit, she might be talking about Equestria Girls’ magic mirror
  4976. >Tread carefully
  4977. “Magic mirror?”
  4978. >“You know, the one that the Beast uses to watch things happening outside the castle? Does he keep that even though he doesn’t need it anymore? What would he use it for?”
  4979. >False alarm
  4980. “Oh. I haven’t watched that movie in a while, so I’m sort of fuzzy on the details. You’re thinking about it too hard.”
  4981. >“It’s just that every question has an answer, and it really gets on my nerves that they leave the endings so open and uncertain. It wouldn’t be so hard to just give me an answer.”
  4982. “The answer is that they want the audience to speculate, or they might make a sequel, or something. Remind me to never let you watch Casablanca. You’d drive yourself nuts over the ending.”
  4983.  
  4984.  
  4985. >“I’m already driving myself nuts over the similarity of Earth and Equestria, and I STILL don’t have the foggiest idea of how it was possible to get here.”
  4986. “Let us know if you figure it out.”
  4987. >If she was trying to trick you into telling her about MLP, she’ll need to try harder
  4988. >You lean back into your room and lay the magic book on top of your dresser, then lean out again
  4989. “Thanks for helping me understand magic. I’m going to go write that letter and check on Spike.”
  4990. >“Yeah. Bye.”
  4991. >Twilight doesn’t sound very excited to have lectured you, for once
  4992. >Maybe she was expecting an answer?
  4993. “Something wrong?”
  4994. >“No, I’m fine.”
  4995. >Yeah, sure she is
  4996. >She was in a great mood just a few minutes ago
  4997. “Are you sure about that?”
  4998. >“I’m just not finding many new leads in terms of human inventions that could or should be replicated in Equestria, that’s all.”
  4999. “What do you mean?”
  5000. >“Not weaponry, if that’s what you were thinking. It’s just that it’s easier to find a medical spellcaster that can do something like a MRI than it is to create and assemble every individual component of a magnetic resonance imaging machine. That’s despite the rareness of medical magicians of that level. It’s too complicated.”
  5001. “What about x-ray machines? Those are mechanically simple, from what I understand.”
  5002. >“We already have moderately common magic that can do that creating a radiological hazard.”
  5003. “Well… I wish I could help.”
  5004. >“I… I have something I want to admit, actually.”
  5005. >Twilight has a secret?
  5006.  
  5007.  
  5008. >This is worthy of your undivided attention
  5009. “Oh?”
  5010. >“I- umm…”
  5011. >You never could stand moments like this
  5012. >Can’t she just be out with it, already?
  5013. >Even if it’s going to be an “I love you and want your hot monkey dick inside me,” you hate waiting for this sort of thing
  5014. >“I- well, I didn’t really look at the comics very much. I didn’t like how violent they were.”
  5015. >Oh
  5016. >Oh, okay
  5017. “I can understand why you’d think that. Did you at least read some of the Batman ones?”
  5018. >“I don’t think so.”
  5019. “Do yourself a favor and read some Batman, and maybe some Spiderman. I think you might like them.”
  5020. >“Why’s that?”
  5021. “Other superheroes tend to rely on brute force, but they prefer to outthink their enemies. Maybe read a bit of Sherlock Holmes before you get to Batman, as well.”
  5022. >“I’ll give it a try, I guess.”
  5023. “I’m not going to tell you to like it. It’s just that Batman’s kind of important to the next few comics I want you to read.”
  5024. >“I’ll keep it in mind. These comics are for children, right?”
  5025. “The early ones were marketed to kids around Spike’s age. Now superheroes are marketed to just about everyone.”
  5026. >“Even the old ones have some pretty mature themes for what I’d consider to be the human equivalent of the Power Ponies.”
  5027. >That’s something you haven’t heard of before
  5028. “Power Ponies?”
  5029. >“It’s a comic book series in Equestria. Do you know if that Superman movie is going to have a tie-in toy line? What I’ve read seems to suggest that’s standard practice.”
  5030. “I’d be surprised if they didn’t.”
  5031.  
  5032.  
  5033. “Why would they make children’s toys for a movie where millions of people die? There are skyscrapers collapsing like dominoes in the trailer I saw. I couldn’t watch all of it… those buildings must have been full of people. I can barely bring myself to watch footage of 9/11 for historical reasons, but humans entertain their children with something even more murderous?”
  5034. >Wow, loaded question
  5035. >Haven’t had one of those in a while
  5036. >Not just loaded, but it’s the sort of question with no right answer, either
  5037. “Um… yes?”
  5038. >“You humans are weird.”
  5039. “Couldn’t agree more.”
  5040. >Well, this is actually a good spot to end the conversation
  5041. >Or it would be, but now TwiTwi is going to feel all depressed if you leave her like this
  5042. >She was in a good mood a minute ago, so it shouldn’t be that hard to get her smiling again
  5043. “Are you feeling bad about humanity again?”
  5044. >“Yeah… a little.”
  5045. “I figured as much. Go look up the intro ceremony for the London Olympics. That might cheer you up. It’s a long watch, but it’s pretty spectacular.”
  5046. >“You seriously remind me of my brother. Why are you so nice to me?”
  5047. “What reasons don’t I have to be nice to you?”
  5048. >Twilight doesn’t respond
  5049. >Why would she-
  5050. >Ffffuck this is AWKWARD
  5051. >She probably interpreted that the wrong way
  5052. “Besides fear of your power. I meant that you seem like a nice person.”
  5053. >“Uh… thanks?”
  5054. >Real smooth, dumbass
  5055.  
  5056.  
  5057. >She might not have even been thinking of that in the first place, and now you seem like a paranoiac
  5058. >This conversation can’t be going anywhere productive
  5059. >No need to restrain any further awkwardness if you’re just going to leave
  5060. “…Yeah. I’ll leave you to play with your outboard brain.”
  5061. >“Sorry, could you repeat that?”
  5062. “I’ll leave you to play with your outboard brain.”
  5063. >“You mean my computer? Why did you call it that?”
  5064. >Twilight sounds like she’s legitimately interested, so you might as well tell her
  5065. “It’s something my old algebra teacher used to call calculators. He’d been a naval pilot, so he was used to doing glide-slope algebra in his head. He didn’t like how students relied on their calculators.”
  5066. >“Sort of strange that you phrased it like that: I’m thinking of the internet as the collective mind of your species. It’s nearly all the public knowledge of your species just laid out for anyone to see. It’s amazing! I don’t know how I lived without it!”
  5067. “Yeah, it is pretty cool.”
  5068. “It’s a shame that humans are so hostile and rude on the internet. Even their screen names are hostile at times. Let me find one… Here’s one who says he’s a demon slayer. Come on, really?”
  5069. >Okay, conversation recovered
  5070. >Good job
  5071.  
  5072.  
  5073. “It’s probably some 13 year old who’s trying too hard to be edgy. Is that on a channel about videogames, by any chance?”
  5074. >“Yes, it is. How did you know?”
  5075. “You get a feel for this sort of thing after a while. So, why are you looking up stuff about games?”
  5076. >“I got linked here from the front page. The news mentioned some sort of event about video games happening soon, so I decided to see what all the fuss was about.”
  5077. “That would be E3. Which channel, might I ask?”
  5078. >“It’s… uh… how do I pronounce this… Pyoo dee pie?”
  5079. >Fuck’s sake, could she have possibly picked a worse channel?
  5080. >Not only is that Swedish meathead annoying, but he does playthroughs of Amnesia all the time
  5081. >You know for a fact that he’s doing the modded campaigns as well
  5082. >Digging deep into the recesses of the fandom must be paying off right now, because you found that there’s a ‘My Small Horse’ campaign for that game which is loaded with MLP references
  5083. >Time to do some damage control before she loses faith in humanity again or stumbles into the firewall
  5084. “PewDiePie? I can’t stand him. That guy’s only as popular as he is because he knew how get YouTube’s recommendation algorithms to work to his advantage. He is probably THE single most annoying and least funny commentator on YouTube.”
  5085. >“Why does he keep talking about, uh… forced relations?”
  5086. “That’s his schtick. It’s not a very good one, mind you.”
  5087.  
  5088.  
  5089. >Twilight sounds sort of regretful now
  5090. >“I hate to say it, but the internet seems like it’s full of really nasty things. I’m not sure we should teach Spike to use the computer.”
  5091. “Yeah, that sounds like a good call.”
  5092. >“I mean, I think of the internet as your species’ collective mind, but if this is what’s on humans’ minds… I don’t know. I feel like I’m winning the argument about humans being terrible and immoral, but I’m starting to wish I wasn’t.”
  5093. “Different demographics tend towards different videos, and you’re on a channel full of preteens who think acting like adults means acting like children who know how to swear. You’re not going to give up the internet over that, I presume.”
  5094. >You can almost hear the smile in her reply
  5095. >“Not by a longshot. The internet is full of terrible things, but it’s got a bunch of really interesting things, too.”
  5096. “And it has books.”
  5097. >“SO MANY BOOOOKS…”
  5098. >It’s safe to say that Twilight is probably drooling and catatonic right now, so the conversation is as good as over
  5099. “See you at dinner.”
  5100. >“Boooooooks…”
  5101. “I thought I was supposed to be the zombie.”
  5102. >“Booooooooooooks…”
  5103. >Silly pone
  5104. >You duck back into your room and pull out a binder of paper from your backpack
  5105. >The thing’s been in the same spot since you finished your finals
  5106. >Not like you need it, now that it’s summer
  5107. >You could brush up on your algebra for the classes this fall, though
  5108.  
  5109.  
  5110. >…Nah
  5111. >You sit down on your bed and flip through to a page you don’t have any notes on
  5112. >Time to scribble out a letter to Shining Armor
  5113. >Something simple, no need to be overly friendly
  5114. >Don’t ask about corndogs
  5115.  
  5116.  
  5117. Shining Armor,
  5118.  
  5119. Sorry for the late reply. I don’t really have an excuse for that aside from laziness. Hopefully you won’t
  5120. mind the delay in my reply as much as your sister did when I didn’t build a computer as soon as I said I’d
  5121. be willing to make one for her. What did you want to talk about?
  5122.  
  5123. Yours,
  5124. Jake Addams
  5125.  
  5126.  
  5127. >That should do
  5128. >The binder’s rings click open and shut as you remove the letter
  5129. >You push off of your bed and start walking by those boxes that are still in the hall for no good reason
  5130. >In the kitchen, as expected, Spike is washing the dishes for dinner
  5131. >He’s got a plate in one claw and a sponge in the other, scrubbing absentmindedly on his stepstool perch
  5132. >It doesn’t sound like Dad’s working in his office
  5133. >Too bad, because you’ve been meaning to ask whether he thinks Twilight is acting weird
  5134. >You think he said something about having a bike he wanted to work on
  5135. >If anyone saw him last, it’s probably Spike
  5136. “Yo, thigh-high.”
  5137. >Spike turns towards you
  5138. >“What up, zom-butt?”
  5139. “Not much. Twilight just reminded me I haven’t sent that letter to her brother yet.”
  5140. >He dips the sponge he was using into the suds and leaves it there, using his now-free claw to point at the paper you’re holding
  5141. >“I’m guessing that’s his letter?”
  5142. “Perceptive as always.”
  5143.  
  5144.  
  5145. >Which is why you’re hesitant to follow through on teaching him how to use the internet
  5146. >Spike is finally learning to pay attention
  5147. >There’s a girl who’s getting really friendly with you, and a kid is being the polar opposite of a hyperactive little shit
  5148. >In any other situation, this would be good
  5149. >Spike picks up a towel with his free claw and rubs his claw dry
  5150. >“Pass it here.”
  5151. >You give him the message to Shining Armor and he sends it in a ball of green flame
  5152. >Must be convenient, having a direct line to Celestia
  5153. >Wait a minute…
  5154. “I feel so stupid for not realizing this earlier.”
  5155. >“What?”
  5156. “Spike, you can send things other than letters, right?”
  5157. >He picks up the sponge and starts scrubbing again, breaking eye contact immediately after you ask the question
  5158. >“Yeah, and I know what you’re thinking. Twi’s not going home by Spike-mail express.”
  5159. >Dammit
  5160. >At least he seems to share your disappointment
  5161. “Well, why not? It goes straight to Equestria, doesn’t it?”
  5162. >“Twilight gave me a huge lecture about never using this on living things back when I was five. Burning something to dust doesn’t take it apart or put it back together quick enough for it to be safe.”
  5163. “Oh.”
  5164. >“Plus it would leave me here. I wouldn’t mind staying a while, but ditching me here? That would NOT be cool.”
  5165. “Well, it was worth asking. Do you know where Jon is?”
  5166. >“He should be just outside.”
  5167. “Thanks. Let me know when the reply gets here.”
  5168. >“No problem, zom-butt!”
  5169.  
  5170.  
  5171. >You follow Spike’s directions and head out through the kitchen door
  5172. >Jon really is JUST outside
  5173. >He’s kneeling over one of his folding bikes, which is laid out on the porch in pieces
  5174. >He heard the door open and shut just behind him, so he turns his head to see who it is
  5175. >As soon as he notices you, he gets up and raises his hand like he’s taking an oath
  5176. >“Hey Jake, give me five!”
  5177. >His hands are smeared with streaks of oil from the bike’s chain
  5178. >lol no
  5179. “I’m not falling for that again, dad.”
  5180. >He swings his arm across his chest, not quite saying “darn” in fake disappointment
  5181. >“So, you finished early today?”
  5182. “Yup. Can we talk for a sec?”
  5183. >“What’s on your mind?”
  5184. >Break it to him slowly
  5185. >No need to alarm him by asking immediately
  5186. “I just wanted to talk. How are things?”
  5187. >“Not too bad. I’m changing out my Bike Friday’s gear hub and pedals for a Shimano/Maniolo ‘ShiManiolo’ setup. My friend Yitzakh and I are staffing a group ride, so I want to be ready.”
  5188. “Where are you riding?”
  5189. >“It’s going to be a 30 mile ride through Concord. Would you mind helping me mark the route this weekend?”
  5190. “I thought I heard it’s going to rain over the weekend.”
  5191. >“I guess we could delay the route marking. I still need to get the spraypaint, anyway.”
  5192. >Topic exhausted
  5193. >He’s still sending letters back and forth with that griffon, so that should help move the conversation in the direction you want it to go
  5194.  
  5195.  
  5196. >Your house is on the backest of back roads, so it’s more than safe to discuss this outside
  5197. “How’s Markus?”
  5198. >“He’s doing okay now that we’ve got the computer working, but Plinko Pang-”
  5199. “Pinkie Pie.”
  5200. >“That one. She’s mentioned in just about all of his letters. I don’t know how she does it, but she’s turned this scientific gathering into a nonstop party that still manages to be productive.”
  5201. “Somehow, that doesn’t surprise me. What about Mark, though?”
  5202. >“I told him a bit about Germany recently. Left out the parts about the wars and how it’s in a flood right now, but he seemed to think it sounded like a nice place.”
  5203. “You said his native language isn’t German, right?”
  5204. >“No, it’s ‘Nordnabb,’ or ‘Northern Beak.’ As best as I can tell, it’s the same as Swedish. I tried to make a joke in one of my letters to him about the fish recipes he’s sending being part of the ‘North Beak Diet,’ but I had to explain it to him. It’s really easy to forget he doesn’t know about these things. He’s really easy to talk to, otherwise.”
  5205. “You really like him, don’t you?”
  5206. >“He’s a better Swedish engineer than the people who make Thule bike racks, that’s for sure!”
  5207. “Strange that you should mention that; I’ve noticed that the maps in the book I got recently look sort of familiar. I didn’t want to bring it up because it seems like Twi’s mood is starting to improve.”
  5208. >“We never did find out what was vexing her, did we?”
  5209.  
  5210.  
  5211. “I guess it’s passed. She seems fine now, though, uh, have you noticed anything different about how she’s been acting?”
  5212. >“Not really.”
  5213. >So it’s just you?
  5214. >Okay, time to make this change of topic a bit less subtle
  5215. “I have a question to ask, but I’m not sure how to ask it in Spanish.”
  5216. >Jon motions for you to come with him with a greasy hand as he starts heading for the garden
  5217. >You follow him to the edge of the garden and the dying beanstalks, which are still curled around the wire fence that was intended to prevent the rabbits from getting to them
  5218. >A lot of good that did
  5219. >Now that he’s sure you’re both out of earshot, he turns back to you
  5220. >Sort of ironic that the most private place you have is outside, in broad daylight
  5221. >Well, not exactly daylight
  5222. >It’s sort of cloudy out
  5223. >“Alright, we should be clear. Do you think she found out?”
  5224. >About the show?
  5225. >The web filter is doing its job, as far as you can tell
  5226. “I don’t think so. She seems to be a lot…friendlier. Do you have any idea why?”
  5227. >“Other than the fact that she’s got every day to herself and a computer to use, not really. She’s back to having scientific conversations with me, if that’s what you mean.”
  5228. “No, I mean that since I volunteered for those experiments, she keeps wanting me to touch her.”
  5229. >Jon raises an eyebrow in concern, taken aback by the implications you were afraid he’d pick up
  5230. “Not like that. Not yet, at least. The most she’s done is tackled me and then told me to rub her belly.”
  5231.  
  5232.  
  5233. >He sighs in relief
  5234. >“Oh, good! I was worried for a moment.”
  5235. “Oh, you think it’s awkward? You don’t know the half of it. I know I said I’d keep you in the dark, but have you heard of the MLP movie that’s coming up?”
  5236. >“In passing.”
  5237. “Rumor is that she’s getting a boyfriend in that movie. The fandom’s really upset about that. If people found out that she was real and I was her boyfriend, I’d be the target of biblical amounts of nerd rage.”
  5238. >Jon doesn’t reply, just stroking his neatly-trimmed beard with the precious little space on his hand that’s not greasy
  5239. “I don’t know if all this ear-scratching and cuddling is supposed to be leading up to something. Has she mentioned anything about a mating cycle, or anything?”
  5240. >Jon continues to stroke his beard, but the stroking intensifies as he gives a nervous response to your question
  5241. >“I think I’d recall if she did!”
  5242. “You know I’m not much of a praying person, but God do I hope she doesn’t have a heat cycle. I don’t want to have to deal with this regularly, especially if you and mom aren’t okay with it.”
  5243. >Jon falls silent again and shifts nervously
  5244. >You scratch the back of your neck, even though it isn’t actually itchy
  5245. >After a few seconds, you work up the guts to ask the question he knows you’re hinting at
  5246. “…Are you okay with it? You know… if she says she wants me to?”
  5247. >Welp, you just pulled a Twilight
  5248. >That’s one loaded question
  5249. >And you sure as fuck aren’t getting an answer
  5250.  
  5251.  
  5252. >Jon’s beard stroking is switching from an absent-minded habit to a conscious evasion of your question
  5253. >The silence is unbearable
  5254. >Ah hell, change the subject
  5255. “Uh… have you gotten through to Celestia yet?”
  5256. >Jon is visibly relieved that he has an entirely different question to answer
  5257. >“I’ve been trying to get to her through Markus, but no luck so far.”
  5258. “Damn. We need some way to get in touch with her that Spike won’t notice.”
  5259. >“There’s the snag. It’s all going through Spike. I don’t see any way around that.”
  5260. “We’ll figure out something. For now, I need to get at her spellbooks. The history book I got had a brief message about how they’ve got a message I need to see in one of those books, but they didn’t say which.”
  5261. >“I don’t think I can help you there.”
  5262. “Just letting you know in case you get an opportunity.”
  5263. >You turn your head towards the sound of an engine coming up the fluke of civil planning that’s your dead-end street
  5264. >At this time of day, it could only be one person
  5265. >You look to Jon and he gives you a knowing nod
  5266. >He arrives at his disassembled bicycle a few seconds before you, and you go back to the porch in time to meet Eliza on the way in from her commute
  5267. >She’s carrying a brown paper bag in addition to her backpack of school supplies and her purse
  5268. >You catch her just as she’s opening the door and follow her inside to the kitchen
  5269. >Spike’s nowhere to be seen, and the sink doesn’t have any dirty dishes in it
  5270. >Probably off to play his games again
  5271.  
  5272.  
  5273. >Might as well make a bit of conversation with mom while she’s not doing anything
  5274. “How was your day, mom?”
  5275. >“Not too bad. I’ve just been handing out tests.”
  5276. >She puts the paper bag into the fridge, confirming your suspicions that it’s dinner
  5277. “Did that diet contest end yet?”
  5278. >She sheds her backpack and purse, taking a seat at the table
  5279. >You don’t feel like sitting, so you lean against the wall by the door
  5280. >“Yeah. I only got fifth place, but I’m happy with that. I think I’ll continue my diet anyway.”
  5281. “Are you still going to make smoothies?”
  5282. >“I’ll still be making those. Spike seems to like them, and I figure if we can keep at least one of them happy we’re doing something right.”
  5283. >You decide to refrain from mentioning how Twilight seems a little too happy
  5284. “I think we’re almost two for two on that. Twilight’s mood has been improving a lot since she started doing experiments on me.”
  5285. >“And?”
  5286. >Eliza looks at you expectantly, making a circular motion with one hand
  5287. >She knows the answer
  5288. >She just wants to hear it from you
  5289. “And she’s been very ethical with her use of magic. Happy?”
  5290.  
  5291.  
  5292. >“Couldn’t be happier! You had nothing to be afraid of.”
  5293. “She actually figured out why magic has such a scary feeling sometimes. Turns out that it’s only scary if she’s using it selfishly, or something.”
  5294. >“So when she grabbed my arm, she was doing it for a selfish reason? I don’t understand. What was selfish about that?”
  5295. “I don’t really understand it either. I’m just glad we have some way of telling when she’s doing that sort of thing now that she wants to start the ‘advanced’ experiments.”
  5296. >“I’m sure it’ll be fine. Have you heard back from your professor yet?”
  5297. “Yup. He read the paper and raised my grade to a B+.”
  5298. >“Things are looking up.”
  5299. >Somewhere at the other end of the house, you hear a loud belch followed by Spike calling your name
  5300. “I should go check on that. I finally got around to sending that letter to Twilight’s brother.”
  5301. >“Okay. See you at dinner.”
  5302. >Eliza gets to setting up her laptop on the kitchen table as you leave
  5303. >On the way back to your room, Spike meets you in the hall and gives you the letter before going back to playing Banjo Tooie
  5304. >You continue straight into your room to read without having to stand in the hallway
  5305.  
  5306.  
  5307. Jake,
  5308.  
  5309. No hard feelings about the delay. I’ve actually been really busy since I sent that letter, but I have a bit of
  5310. time right now. I’m sure you can imagine how hard it is to organize a meaningful display of force for a
  5311. half-dozen adult dragons, coordinate with forty-one foreign security details speaking twelve different
  5312. languages, and scour a crowd of 10,000 for changelings all at the same time. Anyway, I want to thank
  5313. you from the bottom of my heart for being there for Twilight when I couldn’t. You might have noticed
  5314. that it’s sort of hard to gauge her emotions because she tends to overreact. I’m her brother, and even I
  5315. have trouble with that sometimes, but I know that she can’t fake crying. She was as sad as she can get
  5316. when you were trying to comfort her. I don’t know why she snubbed you when you tried to touch her,
  5317. because it looked like she really could have used a hug. Why did she do that? Does she not like you, or
  5318. something? If you were trying to make her feel better, you can’t be that bad. You also made a computer
  5319. for her. From what I understand, that’s a ton of work. Would you mind telling me a bit about yourself?
  5320. I want to be sure that you’re not the sort of person she just can’t get along with, and frankly, you
  5321. humans are the talk of the town. There are probably more rumors than facts. I heard one about how
  5322. humans never use magic as I was leaving the Crystal Empire. Is that true?
  5323.  
  5324.  
  5325. With my thanks,
  5326. Cpt. Shining Armor, Canterlot Royal Guard, Command
  5327.  
  5328.  
  5329. >They still haven’t gotten over that ‘no magic’ thing?
  5330. >That came out months ago!
  5331. >If that fact is a rumor, you’d hate to hear what the actual rumors are
  5332. >Who knows what those crazy compulsive-liar and blind-speculator types have come up with?
  5333. >There’s probably at least one p0ny who thinks humans are made of ice cream, or something stupid like that
  5334. >You sit down on the bed and get your school binder out again to scribble a new letter
  5335. >Don’t ask about corndogs directly
  5336.  
  5337.  
  5338. Shining Armor,
  5339.  
  5340. I’m going to put that rumor to rest right now and say that until your sister came to Earth, I think that no
  5341. human had ever seen magic used. I thought it was supposed to be a myth, or a skill in pen-and-dice
  5342. tabletop games, or that kind of thing. It’s so weird, seeing it actually happening! Humans are sort of
  5343. superstitious about magic, though, so I think it’s best that as few of us know she’s on Earth as possible.
  5344. Also, I semi-intentionally accidentally agreed to be Twilight’s test subject for some magic experiments.
  5345. I’m not sure that was a good idea. She says that it’s supposed to help me trust her, or something.
  5346. Regarding computers, they’re not that hard to make. You guys had to design your own. I just bought
  5347. parts and put them together. It was a bit later than I said I would because I was putting it off. As for who
  5348. I am, I’m a student at a cheap college, I’m moderately nerdy, I’m somewhat interested in militaries but
  5349. I’m not sure I’d join one because I like to sleep in late, and I’m told that I’m a nice but weird person. I’d
  5350. tell you about my hobbies, but I’d probably need to explain a lot about Earth for you to understand any
  5351. of it. I don’t think any of them would be a deal-breaker, except for the military stuff. I’m still not sure
  5352. why she slapped me away. She seems to associate humans with all the wars we’re fighting, so it might
  5353. have been a generalization.
  5354.  
  5355.  
  5356. She keeps saying I remind her of you, actually. What are you like?
  5357. Jake Addams
  5358.  
  5359.  
  5360. >Alright, that should answer all of his questions
  5361. >Hopefully he’ll actually tell you what he’s like
  5362. >As far as you could tell from the show, he was pretty two-dimensional
  5363. >Twilight better not be saying that she thinks you’re uninteresting when she says you remind her of her brother
  5364. >Not like you could do much about it, but you’d be upset
  5365. >You remove the new letter from the binder and fold it up as you head out to the living room
  5366. >Spike’s on the couch playing vidya gaems, per the usual
  5367. >You peek over his shoulder for a moment so you can get an idea of his progress
  5368. >There’s a massive T-rex wearing a comically small blue backpack stomping about on the screen
  5369. >It looks like he’s still on ‘Terrydactyland’
  5370. >Not much of a surprise, considering that he gets to play as an adult T-rex that can kill all the enemies onscreen just by roaring
  5371. >You’d figured he would like that
  5372. >He’s talking to himself under his breath about it
  5373. >“Oh man, this is awesome…”
  5374. “Please, don’t get any ideas.”
  5375. >He turns around in surprise, so caught up in the stompiness that he didn’t notice you come up behind him
  5376. >“Huh? Oh, hi again.”
  5377. “You look like you’re enjoying yourself.”
  5378.  
  5379.  
  5380. >“Darn right! This is like the time I grew really really big, but now I can remember it better, and I don’t have to worry about hurting anyp0ny, or breaking stuff…”
  5381. >Spike suddenly trails off
  5382. >Meanwhile, a small, flying enemy dinosaur dives at the T-rex and bounces off harmlessly
  5383. >The defeated enemy falls to the ground and becomes a health pickup
  5384. >Spike restarts a second later with slightly less excitement, though he doesn’t sound crestfallen
  5385. >“…or what anyp0ny thinks of me. Cherry Berry was still giving me dirty looks before I got here. Then again, she keeps grudges like nop0ny else can. Hopefully it’ll have completely blown over by the time Twilight and I get back.”
  5386. “Time heals all wounds.”
  5387. >“Does time heal property damage?”
  5388. >Fuck, that’s a weird question
  5389. >The correct answer is probably no, but you don’t want to say it to him
  5390. >The most tactful thing to do here would be to give him the letter
  5391. >You stick out your hand with the folded letter as you speak
  5392. “Uhh… could you send this for me?”
  5393. >Spike smiles at your answer and chuckles softly while he takes the paper
  5394. >“I’m just messing with you! I’m sure it’ll be fine.”
  5395. >He holds the paper up and does his green flame thing
  5396. >Now you can only wait for the reply
  5397. >This is a decent opportunity to do some brainstorming with Spike
  5398. “So, Spike…”
  5399. >“Yeah?”
  5400. “You’re only a few levels off from the end of this game, and I’m drawing a bit of a blank as to which game to pull out of the collection next.”
  5401.  
  5402.  
  5403. >“Is there a third Banjo Kazooie game?”
  5404. >Yes, just the one that’s been disavowed as an entry in the BK series by all the fans
  5405. >The developers discarded all of the previous games’ mechanics and just made a mediocre vehicle-building game
  5406. “Ehhh… kind of? They continued the series, but it’s a completely different kind of game. I think it’d be a little too slow-paced for your liking.”
  5407. >“Well, if it’s not that, then what game?”
  5408. “I dunno. I might pull out a different game system for you if I can’t think of something. Maybe the successor to Mario 64. It’s that or play Banjo Tooie’s multiplayer until we get sick of it.”
  5409. >The way Spike is looking at you seems to suggest that you smeared a sock in ketchup and slapped yourself with it
  5410. >“Banjo Tooie’s hoobaddawhat?”
  5411. >Did he really not notice-?
  5412. >Fuck’s sake, it’s on the main menu
  5413. >Spike was doing so well…
  5414. “Multi player.”
  5415. >“What’s that?”
  5416. “Multiple players. It’s exactly what it sounds like.”
  5417. >“Like, I can play at the same time as you?”
  5418. “That’s the idea.”
  5419. >Spike’s face lights up in childlike wonder
  5420. >It’s age-appropriate wonder, actually
  5421. >Whatever
  5422. >“Dude… THAT’S SO COOL! You mean that I get to play as Banjo, and you play as Kazooie, and we both get to play the game at the same time when I split them up?”
  5423.  
  5424.  
  5425. >Aaand he’s set his expectations too high
  5426. “Actually, it-”
  5427. >Spike interrupts you by making a “just a second” gesture with one claw and putting another over his mouth as he looks away from you
  5428. >There’s a muffled *BUUUUUUrrRRRRp* as green flame shoots out from the gaps between his claw-fingers
  5429. >Shining Armor is a fast writer, it seems
  5430. >Spike slowly pulls the new scroll out of his mouth like an amateur sword-swallower
  5431. >It looks both weird and uncomfortable
  5432. >“Bleh. That’s what I get for catching it in my mouth.”
  5433. “Why’d you do it if you don’t like it?”
  5434. >“Last almost one fell under the couch.”
  5435. >Spike points the scroll at the bottom of the couch
  5436. >At first it looks like he’s showing you where it could have gone, but then it becomes apparent that he’s just trying to wipe the scroll dry
  5437. >Once he’s satisfied it’s dry, he brings it up to his eye level and reads the writing on the outside
  5438. “Is that for me?”
  5439. >“Nope, this one’s for Twil*uuuUUUUUUUURP!*”
  5440. >Another scroll shoots out of his mouth, bounces off the box of media center remotes, and promptly rolls under the front of the couch where Spike was pointing just a moment ago
  5441.  
  5442.  
  5443. >Spike doesn’t move an inch throughout all of this
  5444. >After his surprise subsides, he asks you a question in a tone that’s as tired as the expression he’s wearing
  5445. >“Where did it land?”
  5446. “Under the couch.”
  5447. >Spike groans in exasperation as he extends the first letter to you with more than a hint of impatience
  5448. >“Take this to Twilight for me while I fish it out.”
  5449. >You take the scroll from him
  5450. >It looks like it has some very heavy ink-blotting on it, like it was written very sloppily
  5451. >Maybe it was smeared in Spike’s mouth?
  5452. >Spike’s kneeling down to get under the couch and you’ve walked partway out into the hall
  5453. >It wouldn’t do any harm to check
  5454. >Y’know, just to be sure it’s in good condition
  5455.  
  5456.  
  5457. Twilight, can you help me talk some sense into Pinkie?
  5458.  
  5459. Pinkie’s having me keep tabs on Ponyville for her. ●They seem to be doing fine without her, but she’s
  5460. worried that Applejack will get frustrated and stop ●trying to host Pinkie’s parties. Pinkie gave her
  5461. specific plans ●to follow, but Pinkie and AJ are in totally ●separate leagues when it comes to organizing
  5462. parties. I would have the Cakes do this instead. Between ●you and me, I think Pinkie’s not overreaching
  5463. by making Egghead Central a constant party. She’s got this on lock. You couldn’t tell ●from how good
  5464. either party is going, but Pinkie thinks they’re both terrible. I’ve been going to ●Ponyville to check for
  5465. her up seven times a day. It’s an easy trip for me, but I’m getting sick of it.
  5466.  
  5467. She’s wrong, in case it wasn’t obvious. I think it’s just the stress of learning five languages getting to her.
  5468. Rainbow Dash
  5469.  
  5470.  
  5471. I’m not trying to make you to worry about us. The last thing I need is ANOTHER worrywart who thinks
  5472. we don’t have the situation under control. Shining’s making progress finding the changelings, and the
  5473. vanara are okay if you can take a joke. I met one named Aarini. she’s really cool, but I can’t understand
  5474. her if Pinkie’s not there to tell me what she’s saying. Also, one of the griffons says he’s related to Gilda. I
  5475. might be able to finally make nice with her again, so things are actually going pretty good!
  5476.  
  5477.  
  5478. >It looks like the letter is fine, but those inkblots catch you eye again
  5479. >Is this one of those hidden messages?
  5480. >They…trying…to…separate…you…from…ponyville
  5481. >Yeah, it’s definitely trying to say something
  5482. >You don’t have the faintest idea who ‘they’ are or why they would want to separate Twilight from Ponyville
  5483. >Whoever they are, they did a pretty damn good job at separating Twilight from her home planet, let alone from Ponyville
  5484. >No wonder Twilight isn’t asking for help
  5485. >Nobody CAN help
  5486. >Satisfied with what you’ve found, you press the wax seal back into place and head for the basement door
  5487. >Twilight hears you coming and calls out to you to find out who’s at the top of the stairs
  5488. >You give a quick reply and toss the letter down the stairs for her
  5489. >It doesn’t even hit the ground before it’s enveloped in a blob of magic and whisked out of view
  5490. >She quietly says “thank you” as you turn around and head back to Spike
  5491. >Looks like he’s got the letter out from under the couch, despite the stubbiness of his arms
  5492. >He hands it to you just as unceremoniously as he did with the one for Twilight
  5493. >You pop the seal off and start reading
  5494. >Time to see if you really remind Twilight of her brother
  5495. >Also to see if he has a personality that the show’s writers couldn’t be bothered to portray
  5496.  
  5497.  
  5498.  
  5499. Jake,
  5500.  
  5501. I’m not sure what you mean by wars, but please keep Twilight safe.
  5502.  
  5503. Moving on, you do sound a lot like me. I’m a self-admitted strategy nerd, military enthusiast, and I
  5504. married my love at first sight who just happens to be a princess. She’s my everything, second only to
  5505. Twilight. Getting married into the royal family was the second best thing about falling in love with her.
  5506. The first is that she never touches the figurines that take hours to paint. You know you’ve got a keeper
  5507. when she thinks your weirdness is endearing. Please, tell me about your hobbies anyway, especially if
  5508. you mean that you play tabletop adventure games like Oubliettes & Ogres. I used to play that all the
  5509. time when I was going to academy! Most of the old group I used to play with are scientists here, too!
  5510. I’ve still got my paladin’s character sheet. I’m hoping we can organize a time to finally finish that quest
  5511. we started a decade ago. What are human tabletop games like?
  5512.  
  5513. Cpt. Shining Armor, Canterlot Royal Guard, Command
  5514.  
  5515. P.S. Is it okay if I call you a monkey? I’ve heard that humans are genetically related to monkeys, but I’m
  5516. not sure I want to associate you with the vanara. Their biology team lead won’t even tell us his full
  5517. name. He insists that it’s a secret, and we’re supposed to call him Mr. Gupta until we guess it. They say
  5518. mules are stubborn, but “they” mustn’t have met minotaurs. This guy? He puts them both to shame.
  5519.  
  5520.  
  5521. >Well how about that, he does have a personality!
  5522. >He’s a mom’s-basement gaming nerd that plays… uh…
  5523. >What the fuck is an oubliette?
  5524. >The details he gave about character sheets and stuff make it sound like it’s D&D by a different name
  5525. >If it’s what it sounds like, it’s probably part of a castle or something
  5526. >Whatever
  5527. >You were expecting a jocktard or airheaded surfer brah, but this fits strangely well
  5528. >Fanartists called this last month, though
  5529. >‘The Weaver’ is truly a magnificent bastard
  5530. >If this is what Shining Armor is actually like, you can definitely see what the resemblance is
  5531. >Not very flattering, but you can see it
  5532. >Maybe the figurines he was talking about are for Hyperspace Hyperwars
  5533. >You decide against mentioning that in your reply as you go back into your room and pull out another piece of paper from your school binder
  5534. >Hopefully he wasn’t spooked by the mention of war
  5535. >He did ask
  5536. >Your pledge of honesty to Twilight extends to him in this situation, and that’s the best reason you could think of for Twilight acting like that
  5537. >You decide to include a quick assurance to calm him down, then move on to the rest of the letter
  5538. >If Shining wants to know what your hobbies are, you might as well tell him and hope he elaborates on his own
  5539. >Not like you didn’t warn him that he wouldn’t understand what you’re telling him
  5540.  
  5541.  
  5542. Shining Armor,
  5543.  
  5544. There hasn’t been a war in the United States’ mainland for over a century. Coincidentally, she’s in the
  5545. mainland of the United States. Short of a nuclear war (EXTREMELY UNLIKELY!) and possibly even in the
  5546. event of a nuclear war, she’s safe. Staying in the basement all day might actually help if there’s fallout.
  5547.  
  5548. I’ve played Dungeons and Dragons a few times, and it’s a game about twenty-sided dice and
  5549. adventuring. I tried it, but never got into it. I prefer video games, especially ones that have good
  5550. attention to detail. I mostly play military-themed ones, but I’ll give any game a try if it’s good. One of my
  5551. favorites is Armed Assault, which is a Combined Arms Warfare simulator. I used to be in a group of
  5552. players that had bi-weekly online multiplayer events of 100 people playing ArmA at a time. They were
  5553. strict, but that’s just so people would respect command structure when roles are picked “first come,
  5554. first served” before each match. It’s a fantastic game when you have a big, organized group like that,
  5555. even though it misses a few important details. You probably didn't understand half of that. Sorry, but
  5556. don’t say I didn’t warn you.
  5557.  
  5558. Please don’t call me an ape or monkey. No offense taken. It implies that I’m stupid and uncivilized.
  5559. And yes, I am dead serious about magic being something we thought wasn’t real.
  5560.  
  5561. Jake Addams
  5562.  
  5563.  
  5564.  
  5565. >That ought to confuse him enough
  5566. >You holler into the basement that Shining Armor’s verdict is in: you are indeed like her brother
  5567. >There’s no response
  5568. >She’s probably reading Rainbow Dash’s letter
  5569. >It’s tempting to ask if Twilight at least wants to talk about it
  5570. >Something is pretty clearly wrong
  5571. >…meh, she’ll come to you if she wants anything like that
  5572. >More likely she’ll go to Jon about it and then he’ll tell you
  5573. >Or maybe she already has, but doesn’t want him to talk about it?
  5574. >No point in speculating
  5575. >You continue into the living room and tap Spike on the shoulder, prompting him to pause the game again
  5576. >“Yo. Got another one to send?”
  5577. “Yeah.”
  5578. >Spike belches abruptly, but nothing comes out
  5579. “Was that a letter that didn’t come through?”
  5580. >“Nah, just an aftershock. Could you try to keep the conversation short, please?”
  5581. “I’ll try.”
  5582. >You hand the letter to him and head back to your room again to wait
  5583. >No sooner than you lay down and get your laptop open than Jon comes rushing in
  5584. >He picks up Spike unceremoniously and carries him into the basement
  5585. >Spike is too surprised to protest
  5586. >You’re about to get up and ask what the hell is happening when you see your desktop come out of standby
  5587. >The Steam chat client has popped up onto the screen with a message from Berber
  5588. >It’s only two words: “Knock knock”
  5589.  
  5590.  
  5591. >Eliza is speaking to someone in the kitchen
  5592. >You can only hear the tone of the voices, and Eliza is obviously trying to stall
  5593. >2 + 2 = oh shit, unexpected company
  5594. >Fuckfuckfuckfuckfuck this is not good
  5595. >Okay, okay, breathe
  5596. >Breaaaathe
  5597. >Pokerface is go
  5598. >A single set of footsteps start coming down the hall before you can get up to meet them
  5599. >Eliza appears in your doorway
  5600. >She looks understandably upset
  5601. >“Why didn’t you tell me you invited them over?”
  5602. >Wait, more than one?
  5603. >You thought it might just be Berber
  5604. “Who is it?”
  5605. >“Evan, Berber, and Don. Why didn’t you tell me they were coming?”
  5606. “I didn’t invite anyone!”
  5607. >Eliza scoffs and shakes her head before replying
  5608. >“I’m going to try to shoo them off and tell them to call before they come over next time.”
  5609. >She leaves without a word
  5610. >You sit on your bed and wait
  5611. >There are several tense seconds of conversation that you can’t hear clearly
  5612. >Did one of them just mention Christmas decorations?
  5613. >It definitely sounded like one of your friends said something about Christmas decorations
  5614. >Silence
  5615. >You hear the footsteps approaching again, and Eliza appears shortly afterwards
  5616. >She looks more than upset now
  5617. >There are tinges of sad urgency in her voice and on her face
  5618. >“Get in the kitchen.”
  5619.  
  5620.  
  5621. >Not going to disobey that order
  5622. >You follow her into the kitchen
  5623. >Don, Berber, and Evan are all standing shoulder to shoulder with similar looks of disappointment and confusion on their faces
  5624. >Don’s wearing a t-shirt with an obscure modern rapper’s name on it, Evan’s wearing shorts and a polo shirt, and Berber is wearing his usual WW2 German camo coat and cap with the sleeves rolled up
  5625. >Eliza steps off to the side and sits in her chair at the table, cradling her face in her hands
  5626. >Evan speaks for the group
  5627. >“Your secret’s out.”
  5628. >oh god what
  5629. >Uhh… play dumb!
  5630. “I don’t know what you’re talking about.”
  5631. >“Yes you do. Berbs, show him.”
  5632. >Berber whips out a camcorder from behind his back and folds out the screen for you to see
  5633. >He sets the camera giving a running commentary on his actions as he sets the camera up
  5634. >“Now, this wasn’t easy to get. I had to ride my bike quite a ways to get here. Getting all three of us here at the same time was hard, too. You know how the buses never run on time.”
  5635. >The screen is black and the timer shows that it’s at the end of its tape
  5636.  
  5637.  
  5638. >He switches the camera to edit/review mode
  5639. >“I didn’t want to be the one to do it, but we drew straws, and I’m the one who dresses in camo all the time so it made enough sense that it’d be me.”
  5640. >He hits the rewind button
  5641. >The contents of the tape go backwards in a pale-greenish blur
  5642. >“We all knew something was up, so I found a spot to hide and figure out why the basement light was always the last one to turn off at night. Props to Don for giving me a bunch of 5-Hour Energy drinks. I’m still caffeinated as hell right now.”
  5643. >Don grumbles something along the lines of “I still say it’s fake” and generally looks like he’d prefer to be somewhere else
  5644. >Berber continues to rewind, ignoring him
  5645. >“And props to Evan for pushing us to do this and buying a night-shot infrared illumination thingy, ‘cause the night mode on this handycam has about two feet of range.”
  5646. >He stops rewinding and puts the camera on the table
  5647. >“And now for our feature presentation: ‘A Christmas Decoration Puts Itself Up in June.’”
  5648. >He presses play
  5649. >The camera is showing shaky footage of the outside of your house through a blurry greenish filter
  5650. >The time stamp shows that it was recorded around two in the morning a few nights ago
  5651. >Wait, seriously?
  5652. >Your voice comes out as a squeaky, strangled, confused thing
  5653. “You did a stakeout of our house at two in the fucking morning?!”
  5654. >“…For a couple of nights, yeah.”
  5655. “What the fuck is wrong with-”
  5656. >You see a four-legged thing come out of the basement stairwell
  5657.  
  5658.  
  5659. >Is that…?
  5660. >No, it couldn’t be
  5661. >It’s a stray dog, or something
  5662. >The creature comes into the yard, looks around for a moment, and then spreads its wings
  5663. >It gives a few experimental flaps before lifting off and flipping over
  5664. >A dog with wings?
  5665. >Maybe this IS Twilight
  5666. >Is she really this stupid?
  5667. >It quickly picks itself up and then uncertainly flaps its way onto the roof, where it takes a seat and does something to make its head glow
  5668. >That’s her, alright
  5669. >And she is stupid as FUCK
  5670. >Suddenly, you feel very warm
  5671. >Goosebumps raise themselves on your arms and the back of your neck
  5672. >You’d think that wouldn’t make sense
  5673. >Thinking doesn’t come very naturally right now
  5674. “GOD DAMMIT, YOU STUPID PURPLE HORSE! You promised you’d stay inside!”
  5675. >Need to get back at her
  5676. >Need to make things right
  5677. >Sounds like a loud argument of some sort is starting in the basement
  5678. >Good
  5679. >She’ll be all warmed up when it’s your turn to ask what the fuck she was thinking
  5680. >You pull Evan, Berber, and Don into an unexpected huddle and whisper to them through grated teeth
  5681. “If this is on the fucking internet, I’d like to take this opportunity to politely remind you that I KNOW WHERE EACH OF YOU SLEEP.”
  5682. >The huddle ends with you half-shoving your way out of the group
  5683. >Evan replies as he stumbles to get his balance
  5684. >“Chill! Chill! Nobody outside this room’s ever seen that tape.”
  5685. >There’s an audible sigh from your mother
  5686.  
  5687.  
  5688. >On the other hand, you’re barely relaxed by Evan’s continuing attempts to comfort you
  5689. >“Look, it’s okay. The last-”
  5690. “There’s nothing ‘okay’ about having my friends do a 2am stakeout on our house.”
  5691. >“The last thing we want is for your life to go X-Files. That’s why I wanted to do this in person. There are some rumblings about electronic surveillance in the forums I visit, so this is the only way we could tell you that I was sure would be safe.”
  5692. “I don’t care about conspiracy bullshit right now, Evan.”
  5693. >“There’s a conspiracy happening right here! You’re hiding Twi-”
  5694. >NO
  5695. >TOO MUCH WORK TO HAVE IT RUINED NOW
  5696. >Your right hand shoots forward and grabs him by the collar
  5697. “Don’t say either of their fucking names until you hear them say their fucking names. They don’t know about MLP yet, and this is NOT the situation where I want them finding out.”
  5698. >You relax your grip enough for him to slip out as you turn to Don and Berber
  5699. “None of you even hint that you’ve heard of them before. Got it?”
  5700. >Don shrugs uncertainly
  5701. >Berber gives a silent but shocked nod
  5702. >Evan probably mimicked Berber’s action, but you weren’t looking
  5703. “Good. Time to meet the houseguests. Stay there.”
  5704. >You turn to leave and start heading down the hall
  5705. >The ability to think partially returns to you
  5706. >Stopping in your tracks, you look over your shoulder and quietly growl with disgust
  5707. “You know what? My life already has the marks of being a stupid fanfic. X-Files might actually make this shit exciting.”
  5708.  
  5709.  
  5710. >Your purposeful strides carry you quickly into the basement
  5711. >Jon is interrogating Twilight about your earlier exclamation that she was outside
  5712. >The rapidfire question and stuttered response comes to an end when you say that there’s something upstairs that they need to see RIGHT NOW
  5713. >You dart back into the kitchen and hear the combined sound of hooves, claws, and feet come up the hallway behind you seconds later
  5714. >The hoofsteps suddenly turn into a tapdance
  5715. >Turning quickly, you barely catch the source of the noise in action
  5716. >Twilight tries to turn and bolt back into the basement the moment she sees your three friends
  5717. >Jon’s knee was in just the right place for her to run into it facefirst
  5718. >She falls backwards and Jon tries to ask if she’s okay
  5719. >Stupid horse deserved that
  5720. >The Prozac is starting to kick in and clear out your anger
  5721. >Maybe she didn’t deserve it
  5722. >If she did that on purpose to get sympathy, she deserves more than that
  5723. >Defeated, Twilight starts coming back towards the kitchen
  5724. >She’s bleeding from both nostrils
  5725. >This needs to be fixed
  5726. >If she starts crying like this, you’re not sure you could take it
  5727. >Still upset with her, though
  5728. >You tear a paper towel off of the roll for her and offer it to her with a frown
  5729. >She presses it against her nose with a forehoof
  5730. >You get a brief nod of appreciation from her as she hobbles into the kitchen on her other three legs
  5731.  
  5732.  
  5733. >Spike is already in the kitchen, fidgeting nervously in front of your flabbergasted friends as you lean up against the counter
  5734. >Twilight sits on the floor next to him and says “Hi” very tentatively to the three humans she hasn’t met before
  5735. >Eliza is still in her chair, but she’s started fiddling around with the camera since you left
  5736. >She turns the screen towards Twilight and Spike, playing the video from the start
  5737. >Twilight’s face shifts through confusion, realization, and then shame as she watches the video
  5738. >Spike simply looks disappointed with Twilight
  5739. >Jon is somewhere behind you, and you can hear him groaning at what he’s seeing
  5740. >Eliza folds away the screen and speaks to Twilight in a drained-sounding voice
  5741. >“You went outside?”
  5742. >Twilight sniffs some blood out of her nose so she can lower the paper towel and speak
  5743. >“Y-yes…”
  5744. >“Why?”
  5745. >“I… I miss my home. I just wanted to feel closer to everyp0ny I left behind, and I thought it would be safe to go out that late at night… I mean, I’d never done it before and-”
  5746. >Twilight sniffles some blood out of her nose again
  5747. >“-and… well… I was wrong. I’m sorry.”
  5748. >She waits for someone to take the conversation from her
  5749. >Nobody breaks the tense silence
  5750. >Purplestupid is left to dab at her nose while everyone stares at her
  5751. >It’s gratifying to see her getting what she deserves, but part of you feels a little bad for her
  5752.  
  5753.  
  5754. >Twilight eventually works up the courage to ask Eliza the obvious questions
  5755. >“…how bad is it? How many humans know?”
  5756. >“Evan said nobody outside of this room has seen this video.”
  5757. >Twilight sniffles in relief and turns directly to Evan, addressing him nervously
  5758. >How’d she know which is which?
  5759. >Must’ve been a lucky guess
  5760. >“I guess some introductions are in order… my name is Twilight Sparkle. I know, it’s probably a strange name by your standards. I’m a p0ny from a place called Equestria. It's a country on another planet, maybe even in a different universe... I'm still not 100% certain about that. I don’t really know how we got here, but we’re going to be stuck for at least a few more years.”
  5761. >She gestures to Spike with the hoof that’s holding the bloody paper towel, causing Spike to recoil from the reddened paper
  5762. >“This is Spike. He’s a dragon that I’ve been raising for over a decade now. He was the one who you heard on the phone last month.”
  5763. >Spike looks up to the group of new humans so he can have a turn speaking
  5764. >“Uh… hi. Please don’t cut us open for science.”
  5765. >None of your friends have any response to that
  5766. >It’s hard to imagine what they’re thinking
  5767. >You’re thinking that maybe Spike got drilled a little too hard about not going outside
  5768. >This is turning into another awkward silence, so you decide to end it by breaking your friends out of their shock
  5769. “Well? They introduced themselves. It’s your turn.”
  5770.  
  5771.  
  5772. >Berber is the first to reply
  5773. >“Oh, um… I’m Berber. I’m the one who took the video.”
  5774. >Evan fills in next
  5775. >“My name is Evan. It’s nice to meet you, I guess. I mean... you’re real?”
  5776. “They are. Moving on.”
  5777. >Don’s the only one left, and he looks to be the most confused of all
  5778. >It takes him a good five seconds before he even starts replying
  5779. >“I’m…”
  5780. >Don trails off, then resumes a moment later
  5781. >“…going to need a smoke before I can believe this. I’ll be back in a sec.”
  5782. >He jostles his way past the other two and out the kitchen door
  5783. >Welp
  5784. >This is actually a decent opportunity to get Evan and Berber away so you can talk to them about Twilight without worrying they’ll say something you don’t want them to
  5785. “Alright, I need to talk to you guys outside. Come on.”
  5786. >You usher both Evan and Berber towards the door
  5787. >They don’t resist, but Spike calls after you
  5788. >“Wait, who was the last guy?”
  5789. “His name is Don.”
  5790. >“He smells weird.”
  5791. “That's normal for him.”
  5792. >You shut the door behind yourself and follow Berber and Evan to Don
  5793. >They find him lighting a pot pipe in your backyard
  5794. >Can’t blame him
  5795. “Alright, seriously. A fucking stakeout?”
  5796.  
  5797.  
  5798. >Berber crosses his arms
  5799. >“Yes, a fucking stakeout. I was sitting in that tree over there for ten hours. You were acting suspicious as all hell, and we needed to get to the bottom of it.”
  5800. “You didn’t have to get to the bottom of anything!”
  5801. >“You were keeping a secret that was really freaking you out, so we actually did have to. At least it’s better than we thought. A real p0ny, and Reichsmarschall Sparkle at that? I’m not sure what surprised me more: the fact that I wasn’t dreaming that or the fact that she can bleed.”
  5802. “She’s not a cartoon character. Not to me, at least. She’s been here for almost half a year and I’m already feeling like she’s just a crazy roommate we can’t kick out. The only exceptional part is that she has godlike power, and might go crazy and turn people into frogs if she learns she’s a figment of a cartoonist’s imagination. At least Spike is kind of cool.”
  5803. >“Do you really think she’d go nuts?”
  5804. “According to her, humans are supposed to be physically impossible because we have less than no magic inside our bodies. Spike thinks we’re awesome zombies, but Twilight thinks we’re inherently violent freaks with thermonuclear weapons. She was PISSED when she learned what a nuke is. So yeah, she’s high-strung enough for it to happen.”
  5805. >“So we’re like the antimatter of magic? I don’t get it.”
  5806. “Neither do I.”
  5807.  
  5808.  
  5809. >Don takes his pipe out of his mouth and exhales a cloud upwards before speaking
  5810. >“Still don’t know why you needed those programs, though. Does that have anything to do with this?”
  5811. “She wanted a computer. I had spare parts and no excuse not to make one. If she got on the internet and saw her own face, she might flip out.”
  5812. >“Oh yeah, that makes sense. Nevermind. I thought you were cyberstalking someone.”
  5813. “I guess you could say that I-”
  5814. >Your stomach rumbles
  5815. “You know what? I need to get away from the house for a bit, and I’m thinking that my mom isn't up for making a meal for eight people. Let’s go to a restaurant or something and talk about this over dinner.”
  5816. >Evan perks up at the suggestion
  5817. >“I’d be all for that! Isn’t there a new Five Guys that was built around here?”
  5818. “There is.”
  5819. >You point at Evan
  5820. “And no matter where we go, you’re the one buying.”
  5821. >“What? Why me?”
  5822. “I won’t let you get off scot-free for scaring us like that, moneybags.”
  5823. >“You could have just told us and this wouldn’t have happened.”
  5824. >Berber gives Evan an “are you shitting me?” look
  5825. >“E, I asked him and he said I wouldn’t believe him. I think he was right.”
  5826. “Fuckin’ told you so. Go wait by the car. I need to get some stuff.”
  5827. >The three temporary guests start walking in the general direction of the driveway
  5828. >Hold up
  5829. “Don, put that out. I don’t want the car to smell like a Dutch café.”
  5830. >“You sure you don’t want some first, bro? You sound like you need it.”
  5831. “Thanks, but fuck no.”
  5832.  
  5833.  
  5834. >You head to the kitchen door
  5835. >It swings open easily and shuts swiftly
  5836. >Spike, Twilight, and both of your parents are still in the kitchen
  5837. >They’re all gathered around something on the tabletop
  5838. >Twilight is standing on her rear legs, bracing herself against the table with the foreleg she’s not using to hold the paper towel over her nose
  5839. >Spike’s standing on top of a chair
  5840. >Is there something you need to know about here?
  5841. “What’s everyone staring at?
  5842. >Twilight pushes away from the table and out of the group to speak to you
  5843. >She looks almost as tired as Eliza did a moment ago, but you also see a bit of something else on her face
  5844. >Anger?
  5845. >Sadness?
  5846. >It’s hard to tell from behind the paper towel
  5847. >“Caw me sidawella.”
  5848. “…What?”
  5849. >She sniffles down the blood in her nose
  5850. >“I said, ‘Call me Cinderella.’”
  5851. >Okay, now the cultural references are sort of annoying
  5852. “What are you even talking about?”
  5853. >“See for yourself!”
  5854. >Twilight levitates a scroll off of the table and flings it in your general direction
  5855. >It’s a very feeble throw, barely landing at your feet
  5856. >You’re about to bend over and pick it up when it starts glowing again
  5857. >The scroll lifts less than two feet into the air
  5858. >…then it falls back to the floor
  5859. >Twilight tries this a few more times
  5860. >Each attempt is worse than the last
  5861. >Eventually she gives up and leaves, trailing despaired groans all the way into the basement
  5862. >You kneel and pick up the letter like you were going to
  5863.  
  5864.  
  5865. Mr. Jon Addams, Mrs. Eliza Gottschalk, and Mr. Jake Addams,
  5866.  
  5867. This is a startling turn of events. I should hope that nothing negative comes of this, but it is only fair that
  5868. Twilight feels a consequence of her poor decision. She is to cease all work indefinitely. We have more
  5869. than enough information about humans to sustain the research efforts for now. In place of her work,
  5870. you may each give her one ongoing commitment. I trust that you will be fair in judging what an
  5871. appropriate commitment would be. Spike has already been punished. Do not punish him further.
  5872.  
  5873. As a personal message to Jake Addams, Shining Armor wishes to let you know that he must cut your
  5874. correspondence short because Executive Chief Engineer Slide Rule was found to be a changeling and
  5875. is attempting to escape. Shining Armor will inform you once he is available again. Meanwhile, he wishes
  5876. to let you know that he’s confused by the similar names of human and Equestrian tabletop games, and
  5877. that he is confident that Twilight will take all necessary precautions during any magic experiments she
  5878. performs. He also wants to know if you are familiar with a trading card game called ‘Hocuspocus: the
  5879. Get-Together,’ and has expressed interest in the workings and histories of human militaries. You may
  5880. answer those questions at your leisure.
  5881.  
  5882. Twilight: I can understand your loneliness, but please exercise better judgment. I’d never forgive
  5883. myself if I couldn’t bring you home safely.
  5884.  
  5885. Princess Celestia
  5886.  
  5887.  
  5888. >Oh, so she’s got to do stuff for you now
  5889. >Brought this on herself
  5890. >Stupid horse
  5891. >She’s lucky that you know the people who caught…
  5892. >Fuck… can’t stay angry at her
  5893. >It’s not like you’ve never messed up
  5894. >Not nearly this bad, but still
  5895. >You’re going to need to think of something you can make her do that’s not too cruel or unusual
  5896. >Also, Shining Armor continues to be a huge nerd
  5897. >All eyes somehow ended up on you when you were reading
  5898. >Eliza turns to Spike
  5899. >She sounds both tired and confused now
  5900. >“That was sort of dramatic. Is there anything else on Twilight’s mind?”
  5901. >Spike hops off of the chair and starts walking towards the basement
  5902. >“Nothing worth talking about right now. I’m gonna go see if I can keep her from getting too upset about this.”
  5903. >Now that Spike is gone too, you can talk to Eliza
  5904. “Mom, I’m going to go out for the evening with the guys. We’re probably going to get dinner. Is that alright?”
  5905. >“I guess… I mean, I bought you a sandwich at Panera.”
  5906. >You put the letter back on the table
  5907. “It’ll keep. I need to talk to them anyway.”
  5908. >“Okay. We’ll see you later.”
  5909. >You continue into your room, get your everyday items, and head back out again
  5910. >On the way, you grab the letter off of the table
  5911. >Don might need something concrete if he still doesn’t believe what he saw
  5912. >As you’re walking to the car, you hear a twinkling noise in your pocket
  5913.  
  5914.  
  5915. >It takes a moment before you realize that 1: twinkling is a description of light instead of sound, and 2: that probably means magic is happening
  5916. >The noise stops as quickly as it starts
  5917. >You pull the letter back out of your pocket to see if it’s changed somehow
  5918. >There’s a whole new paragraph on the paper
  5919.  
  5920.  
  5921. Mr. Jake Addams,
  5922.  
  5923. I believe you may have a lead that could help me find one of my former students. It’s imperative that I
  5924. know where she is. Her name is Sunset Shimmer. If you have any information about her, her current
  5925. activities, or her possible location, notify me immediately through your usual method. Keep looking for
  5926. the message in page 1010 of The Specialist’s Spellbook. I’d give it to you in a letter like this one, but it
  5927. isn’t urgent and will be more believable if you find it where it is already hidden.
  5928.  
  5929. Friendship can be a strange thing. It’s okay to pry if something seems wrong, but don’t be invasive.
  5930. Princess Celestia
  5931.  
  5932.  
  5933. >Dammit, really?
  5934. >You just got over the whole Twilicorn thing
  5935. >Now Equestria Girls is canon and real too?
  5936. >Berber would flip if he heard this
  5937. >You look back at the letter and memorize it, hoping that the new paragraph goes away somehow
  5938. >Thankfully, it fades off of the page
  5939. >Let’s not tell them about the hidden messages and such
  5940. >This ride is rough enough as it is
  5941.  
  5942.  
  5943.  
  5944. Skype™ [1] PainedUlnar
  5945.  
  5946.  
  5947. Show messages from: Yesterday ● 7 days ● From beginning
  5948.  
  5949. _______________________
  5950. Tuesday, June 4, 2013
  5951. ¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯
  5952.  
  5953.  
  5954. (PainedUlnar) Jake A. Alright, I think I covered everything at dinner. Any other questions? 8:41 PM
  5955.  
  5956. Berberberberberber Have you booped her yet? Will you try to? 8:55 PM
  5957.  
  5958. (PainedUlnar) Jake A. No, and I'm hesitant to try until I know where she's going with all 8:55 PM
  5959. this cuddling. It might give her the wrong idea.
  5960.  
  5961. Plus I think she almost broke her nose today. 8:55 PM
  5962.  
  5963. NagromSreip Why should a broken nose matter for that? 8:56 PM
  5964.  
  5965. (PainedUlnar) Jake A. What do you think a 'boop' entails, Don? 8:57 PM
  5966.  
  5967. NagromSreip I dunno. Is it like clopping, but not solo? 8:57 PM
  5968.  
  5969. If so, check out MitchW808 on youtube. His tip series can help you. 8:57 PM
  5970.  
  5971. Berberberberberber *facepalm* 8:57 PM
  5972.  
  5973. (PainedUlnar) Jake A. I told you that I wasn't sure I'd want to fuck her. Fuck WITH her, 8:57 PM
  5974. maybe, but not fuck her.
  5975.  
  5976. NagromSreip I must've spaced out when you said that. 8:58 PM
  5977.  
  5978. Besides, do you really expect me to keep up with brony slang? 8:58 PM
  5979.  
  5980. (PainedUlnar) Jake A. Fair point, but srsly. I'm pretty sure Evan would've known that, and 8:58 PM
  5981. he's seen less of the show than you.
  5982.  
  5983. Speaking of, why isn't he in the chat? I see him online. I know 8:58 PM
  5984. he got my invite.
  5985.  
  5986. Berberberberberber Hold up, I'mma see if he's on another chat client. 8:58 PM
  5987.  
  5988. Found him. He's mad. 9:02 PM
  5989.  
  5990. (PainedUlnar) Jake A. Why? 9:02 PM
  5991.  
  5992. Evan Speer I told you I didnt want this going X files and now it might anyway! 9:02 PM
  5993.  
  5994. You weren't listening! And you said my name! How many Evans do you 9:02 PM
  5995. know anyway!!! Now Im tied into this and can't get out
  5996.  
  5997. (PainedUlnar) Jake A. Slow down. What's the problem? 9:02 PM
  5998.  
  5999. Evan Speer The problem is that I told you there was something coming up about 9:03 PM
  6000. cyber-survellance and here we are on the internet on a major chat
  6001. client
  6002.  
  6003. (PainedUlnar) Jake A. I think we're fine. It happened days ago and there have been no 9:05 PM
  6004. random housecalls from services we didn't order, no odd noises on
  6005. the telephone, no soundless black helicopters or unmarked vans,
  6006. no orbiting model planes, etc, since then. We have nothing they're
  6007. looking for, and it won't hurt anyone so long as it stays undercover.
  6008.  
  6009. G-man is thoroughly uninterested in me. We're fine as long as 9:05 PM
  6010. Berber doesn't have the same shopping list as Dzokhar Tsarnayev.
  6011.  
  6012. Berberberberberber Allah is an okay guy. I wouldn't say 'great' until I've met him. 9:05 PM
  6013.  
  6014. Evan Speer Okay but still you should be more careful 9:06 PM
  6015.  
  6016. You cant tell if your internet is being monitored. 9:06 PM
  6017.  
  6018. NagromSreip Just do what I do. Use TOR. 9:06 PM
  6019.  
  6020. Evan Speer Hate to ruin it for you but the FBI is totally monitoring the undernet 9:06 PM
  6021.  
  6022. NagromSreip Nah, no way. 9:06 PM
  6023.  
  6024. Evan Speer Dude its full of child porn rings and hacker forums. 9:07 PM
  6025.  
  6026. They'd be crazy not to keep tabs on it. 9:07 PM
  6027.  
  6028. And that silk road mail order drugs site you told me about definitely 9:07 PM
  6029. has the DEA's attenttion.
  6030.  
  6031. NagromSreip So much for that. 9:07 PM
  6032.  
  6033. That reminds me, 4chan's official TOR website does have a /cp/ board. 9:08 PM
  6034.  
  6035. (PainedUlnar) Jake A. Seriously? The official website? 9:08 PM
  6036.  
  6037. No way Moot's okay with that. 9:08 PM
  6038.  
  6039. NagromSreip Actually, I'd be surprised if he's not. I'm pretty fond of the board 9:08 PM
  6040. myself.
  6041.  
  6042. Evan Speer Dude really Youre a pedo? Now I know we're being watched. 9:09 PM
  6043.  
  6044. NagromSreip What? No! I'm not a pedo for liking /cp/. 9:09 PM
  6045.  
  6046. (PainedUlnar) Jake A. Explain this bullshit. 9:09 PM
  6047.  
  6048. NagromSreip It's /cheese pizza/ 9:09 PM
  6049.  
  6050. What did you think it meant? 9:09 PM
  6051.  
  6052. Berberberberberber Pics or you're lying. 9:09 PM
  6053.  
  6054. NagromSreip Texting one to you right now. 9:10 PM
  6055.  
  6056. Berberberberberber Hahahaha oh wow 9:10 PM
  6057.  
  6058. It actually is all about chiz pizza 9:10 PM
  6059.  
  6060.  
  6061. _______________________
  6062. Thursday, June 6, 2013
  6063. ¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯
  6064.  
  6065.  
  6066. Evan Speer Did you hear? 12:40 PM
  6067.  
  6068. (PainedUlnar) Jake A. About the Verizon/NSA metadata leak? Yeah. Not that surprising. 12:42 PM
  6069.  
  6070. Evan Speer Trust me when I say that it goes deeper than this. 12:42 PM
  6071.  
  6072. They never do this sort of thing 'just a little bit' 12:42 PM
  6073.  
  6074. (PainedUlnar) Jake A. I got her to watch about half an hour of Saving Private Ryan today. 3:22 PM
  6075.  
  6076. The beach landing scene, at that. 3:22 PM
  6077.  
  6078. Evan Speer Howd you manage that? 3:25 PM
  6079.  
  6080. (PainedUlnar) Jake A. I didn't, but I guess she realized that if things get ugly because 3:25 PM
  6081. of her stunt on the roof she'll need to grow a stomach.
  6082.  
  6083. It's a work in progress. Meanwhile, she cast a spell that made the 3:25 PM
  6084. exterior doors self-locking and super durable. I went at one with a
  6085. sledgehammer for ten minutes and couldn't scratch it.
  6086.  
  6087. Evan Speer It's something. 3:25 PM
  6088.  
  6089. Oh, and since you said you wanted to get Watchmen for her here's the 3:26 PM
  6090. motion comic http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6lR35MhVMss
  6091.  
  6092. They also have some of the DC animated movies on this channel 3:26 PM
  6093.  
  6094. (PainedUlnar) Jake A. Sweet, thanks. 3:26 PM
  6095.  
  6096. Wow, the voice acting in the motion comic is ATROCIOUS. 3:32 PM
  6097.  
  6098. Evan Speer IKR it's like one guy for all the roles 3:34 PM
  6099.  
  6100. (PainedUlnar) Jake A. Silk Spectre is not supposed to sound like a dude speaking in falsetto. 3:34 PM
  6101.  
  6102. Evan Speer Still better than the movie. They got Rorschach's voice right, for one. 3:35 PM
  6103.  
  6104. And theres the giant squid 3:35 PM
  6105.  
  6106. You can't have Watchmen wihtout a giant psychic octopus. 3:35 PM
  6107.  
  6108. Oh, and the Spanish Inqusition. The catholic church does have a record 3:40 PM
  6109. of antisemitic activity so you know I'm right about them indirctly
  6110. causing world war 2 or at least encouraging the culture that led to it
  6111.  
  6112. (PainedUlnar) Jake A. That was unexpected. I still don't like your theory, though. 3:42 PM
  6113.  
  6114. Evan Speer what 3:42 PM
  6115.  
  6116. why 3:42 PM
  6117.  
  6118. its a beleivable airtight theory 3:43 PM
  6119.  
  6120. (PainedUlnar) Jake A. But it links to Hitler. That's the biggest goddamn handicap you could 3:43 PM
  6121. ever take in making a conspiracy theory.
  6122.  
  6123. I don't care how true it could be. I lost all respect for it as soon 3:43 PM
  6124. as you mentioned Hitler. World War 2 is easymode for conspiracies.
  6125.  
  6126.  
  6127. _______________________
  6128. Monday, June 10, 2013
  6129. ¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯¯
  6130.  
  6131.  
  6132. Evan Speer http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-srv/special/politics/prism-collection-documents 11:11 AM
  6133.  
  6134. I hate to say I told you so, but I told you so. 11:11 AM
  6135.  
  6136. (PainedUlnar) Jake A. I'm not sure what upsets me more: the fact that this is still going on 11:18 AM
  6137. under Obama (he better be getting some damn good use out of this) or
  6138. the fact that this means the Xbox One was literally designed for the
  6139. sole purpose of putting a direct CCTV feed from your living room to some
  6140. cubicle in the NSA headquarters.
  6141.  
  6142. Evan Speer it didn't stop the boston bombing 11:18 AM
  6143.  
  6144. (PainedUlnar) Jake A. In any case, I'm cancelling my Xbox Live account. 11:18 AM
  6145.  
  6146. Holy shit, Microsoft. Could this website be any more of a wallet trap? 11:18 AM
  6147. Don't bury the option I'm looking for in some obscure-ass webpage.
  6148.  
  6149. Did you hear about the riots in Turkey, by the way? The mainstream 11:19 AM
  6150. news is mentioning that it's partially about the Turkish 'Deep State'
  6151. and self-interested conspiracies in the government. You must feel like
  6152. a kid in a candy shop.
  6153.  
  6154. Evan Speer You did see that they had skype on th elist of things they watch, right 11:19 AM
  6155.  
  6156. (PainedUlnar) Jake A. Yes, and there's no way they could process all that information by hand. 11:19 AM
  6157.  
  6158. Evan Speer Thats what the utah data facilitys megacomputer is for 11:19 AM
  6159.  
  6160. (PainedUlnar) Jake A. I doubt we're tripping keywords often enough to get its attention. 11:19 AM
  6161.  
  6162. Besides, didn't you say that thing's having massive electrical issues? 11:20 AM
  6163. Isn't it arcing all over the place like that lightning show at the
  6164. Museum of Science on a monthly basis?
  6165.  
  6166. Evan Speer It is. 11:20 AM
  6167.  
  6168. (PainedUlnar) Jake A. Then I'm a four-leaf clover in the middle of a grassy field. 11:20 AM
  6169.  
  6170. It's a case of luck at this point. The odds are in my favor. 11:20 AM
  6171.  
  6172. Oh, and being friends with a unicorn that can change pockets of reality 11:21 AM
  6173. at will is a real confidence-booster.
  6174.  
  6175.  
  6176.  
  6177. Section 8
  6178.  
  6179. >Monday, June 10, 11:49am, Basement of Addams Household (at desk)
  6180. >Minimum of ~55.25 months until first rescue attempt
  6181. >You are Twilight Sparkle
  6182. >Mistakes were made
  6183. >You had to try it, though
  6184. >Form a hypothesis based on known facts or patterns
  6185. >Create an experiment to test those facts or patterns
  6186. >Observe the results and come to a conclusion
  6187. >The scientific process always provides an answer
  6188. >What answer did you get?
  6189. >Leaving the house may actually be detrimental to your waking health
  6190. >The idea that going outside would wake you from this nigh-impossible, dreamlike scenario was a horrible hypothesis
  6191. >And now you reap the consequences
  6192. >Jon had you clean his office
  6193. >Granted, you helped make a bit of the mess there with all the Canterlot Computer notes
  6194. >Eliza is having you do laundry
  6195. >Their automatic washer is computerized, so this is relatively easy
  6196. >The wash-cylinder does a little shake to check the weight of the load, and then does the rest for you
  6197. >Sunshine, sunshine, ladybugs awake
  6198. >Clap your hooves and do a little shake
  6199. >Easy or not, you don’t like it
  6200. >Jake…
  6201. >…hasn’t decided what commitment to give you yet
  6202.  
  6203.  
  6204. >He’s taken up jogging recently, and he keeps talking about weapons
  6205. >That might have something to do with it
  6206. >All he’s told you is that he’s “working on something”
  6207. >Darnit, he was the last one you needed to get your magic back to full capacity
  6208. >Now he doesn’t trust you enough to tell you what punishment you’ll get
  6209. >For a brief period after the confrontation about the video, your magic was almost unusably weak
  6210. >But it’s exactly like Pinkie said: The easiest way to lose a friend’s trust is to break a promise
  6211. >You broke a promise
  6212. >You lost their trust
  6213. >Without their trust, you couldn’t use your magic for the better part of a day and have had difficulty using it for the better part of a week now
  6214. >All future magic experiments have been put on hold indefinitely
  6215. >The only good that came of this was that you’ve almost finished the first volume of ‘Traditions and Encounters,’ and Spike said you’d get a little more grace period before he considers telling the Addams that you used a spying enchantment on their son
  6216. >Your computer wasn’t exactly designed for hooves
  6217. >Not exactly designed for magic, either, but your magic doesn’t go where you want it to when the humans don’t trust you
  6218. >Between that and the cease-all-work order, you had no choice but to read
  6219. >This may well have been the first time in your life that you didn’t like reading
  6220. >The subject matter didn’t help
  6221.  
  6222.  
  6223. >It was mostly about the “Middle Ages”
  6224. >Still, you needed to read
  6225. >Something to take your mind off of your mistake
  6226. >As a side note, most human historical figures have facial hair
  6227. >Even the modern ones
  6228. >You first read about this in the chapters about Qin China, but you were under the impression that it might change over time
  6229. >So far, it hasn't
  6230. >How odd
  6231. >The “Middle Ages” were wonderful time full of illiteracy, infant mortality, disease, superstition, and wars between squabbling nobles (and a precious few mathematical and scientific advances)
  6232. >The European advances are partially the product of “The Crusades”
  6233. >As if you didn’t already have trouble thinking of the Cutie Mark Crusaders as something relatively peaceful and innocent
  6234. >That was before all this nonsense about Earth
  6235. >Cuban Missile Crisis
  6236. >CMC
  6237. >Cutie Mark Crusaders
  6238. >That one is probably coincidental
  6239. >How could they figure into this coma dream?
  6240. >They’re not THAT destructive
  6241. >Anyway, Europeans practically discarded the knowledge of Aristotle, a Greek philosopher and scientist who laid the groundwork for modern human science
  6242.  
  6243.  
  6244. >Through international trade, the Arabs (human, not Saddle) gathered and translated his works during the ages when the Greek and Roman Empires controlled Mediterranean Sea trade
  6245. >They referred to Aristotle as ‘The First Teacher,’ revering him for his knowledge
  6246. >Countries within the Muslim Caliphates became synonymous with intellectual pursuits and famed for their complex architecture
  6247. >In modern times, the countries of the former caliphates are famed for something entirely different
  6248. >At the Islamic Empire’s greatest extent, it stretched from the former Sasanid Empire’s Iran to the northern border of Spain
  6249. >When they ran up against the Holy Roman Empire (which was actually French), the Franks decided that they’d prefer Clergy to Caliphate and retaliated
  6250. >Frankish King Charles “The Hammer” Martel routed an attempted Muslim invasion at the Battle of Tours
  6251. >The Islamic Empire never gained any more territory after that
  6252. >Not satisfied with simply defending themselves, the Franks pushed the Muslims out of Spain
  6253. >Fighting continued for centuries
  6254. >There was infighting on both sides, mercenaries who swapped sides regularly, and hatred all around
  6255. >The moment you remember best about this period is the burning of the Library of Cordova
  6256. >Embers were practically still glowing from the fire set to all the philosophical works in the library by the Muslim Clergy when the Franks arrived and set it on fire AGAIN
  6257.  
  6258.  
  6259. >Only a select few books which were translated into Latin (or taken for “safe keeping” and study by the Church) survived
  6260. >The Franks didn’t want anything to do with things written in Arabic, however
  6261. >Reading them would have been ‘heretical’
  6262. >So, in this roundabout way, Europeans learned of the classic philosophers and scientists again
  6263. >They didn’t learn much FROM them because most of the documentation had been burned
  6264. >Around the same time as that, the “Crusades” began
  6265. >With the “Reconquista” of Spain going so well, the ‘Knights’ of Europe weren’t all needed
  6266. >This warrior class grew restless
  6267. >Having all the skills for warfare and nothing to use them on, they roamed and entertained themselves in the way they knew best
  6268. >Fighting anything that moved
  6269. >The Catholic Clergy realized this was a problem, and devised a plan to benefit all involved (except the Muslims)
  6270. >A new war would be started to conquer Jerusalem for its biblical importance
  6271. >…which just so happened to be in the heart of the Islamic Empire, and was of equal importance to Islam because of the shared Abrahamic roots
  6272. >Any and all Christians who fought in this war would be guaranteed entry to ‘Heaven’
  6273. >‘Heaven’ (sort of weird how they use nouns as proper nouns) is supposed to be like a club for only the most virtuous of Christian humans
  6274. >Death is the price of admittance
  6275.  
  6276.  
  6277. >This is a common theme in most religions
  6278. >Humans who live a virtuous life get some sort of reward upon death
  6279. >The nature of the reward and the definition of virtue vary slightly
  6280. >Despite the incentive, the armies of Europe failed to hold Jerusalem
  6281. >Civilians of each side sometimes traded, and Europe acquired more Aristotelian knowledge this way
  6282. >Europeans really liked the Roman and Greek Empires at the time
  6283. >They were widely considered to be the high point of European civilization
  6284. >Writings from Aristotle and other Greco-Roman intellectuals was in high demand, but being caught with anything written in Arabic was equivalent to treason
  6285. >Multiple attempts to capture and hold Jerusalem were made over several centuries
  6286. >All of them failed
  6287. >Some of them were just bizarre
  6288. >The “Children’s Crusade” was a transparent attempt to sell slaves under the guise of sending innocent (and therefore protected by ‘god,’ somehow) children to spread Christianity without any escort
  6289. >The “Fourth Crusade” was purely Christian on Christian fighting
  6290.  
  6291.  
  6292. >Crusaders bankrupted Venice by having their fleet prepared there, then set sail with less soldiers than planned
  6293. >Low on supplies and impatient, the head of the fleet concealed the Pope’s directive to never attack fellow Christians
  6294. >Apparently the ‘Knights’ wanted to fight so much that the Pope needed to specify that
  6295. >Instead of going all the way to Jerusalem, they attacked the Byzantine Empire, which was formerly the Roman Empire, which was formerly the Greek Empire
  6296. >There sure are a lot of empires in human history…
  6297. >Most of them have gone the way of the dinosaur, thankfully
  6298. >Emperor Constantine of the Byzantine Empire made a point of being Christian centuries earlier
  6299. >Christianity was the primary religion in his empire, but that didn’t matter to the Crusaders
  6300. >They sacked Constantinople and caused a schism between Eastern Orthodox Christianity and Roman Catholic Christianity that continues to this day
  6301. >At least some Europeans got to read old Greek and Roman works
  6302. >Some
  6303. >There were two ways to be an educated European during those times: being a monk or being rich
  6304. >Everyone else?
  6305. >They got to be illiterate
  6306. >Tough break, peasant
  6307. >Go back to farming for the fiefdom and make sure you’re in church when the sermons are given
  6308. >In summary: Europe wanted things written by Aristotle, so they burned a library full of it, forbade themselves from reading it in a different language, didn’t teach their population to read in their own language, and then invaded Aristotle’s home
  6309.  
  6310.  
  6311. >What was the point of that?
  6312. >Are humans just naturally violent, like you thought all along?
  6313. >These are historical examples
  6314. >Maybe they just WERE naturally violent, and the shock of the Cuban Missile Crisis made them realize how wrong that was?
  6315. >The thing about that, though, is that there’s still so much violence today
  6316. >You’re no closer to figuring out why
  6317. >Jake did make you watch that recreation of the events of the Cuban Missile Crisis
  6318. >It was… something
  6319. >The thought of how close humans came to a nuclear war so soon after hearing the main character of Citizen Kane claim people were “too smart to embark on a project that would mean the end of civilization” wasn’t comforting
  6320. >He was speaking of the Second World War
  6321. >The news seems to suggest it’s a new war isn’t an unlikely possibility
  6322. >Less likely than it was in ‘Doctor Strangelove,’ but still likely
  6323. >Jake found that movie hilarious
  6324. >You found it good for a few laughs, but it was a political comedy
  6325. >It’s the sort of thing you need to think about to get the jokes, but thinking about the events of the movie made it sort of hard to laugh
  6326. >Comedy in Equestria never comes this dark
  6327.  
  6328.  
  6329. >The plot is that sometime in the 1960s, a US Air Force commander suffers a bout of paranoid schizophrenia
  6330. >He orders the nuclear bombers under his command to attack the Soviet Union because he believes they’re stealing his “precious bodily fluids” and corrupting his “essence of purity”
  6331. >A British Royal Air Force officer who’s serving as his assistant as part of an exchange program attempts to persuade him to cancel the attack
  6332. >That officer claimed to have flown a ‘Spitfire’ in World War 2
  6333. >Apparently that’s a type of airplane to humans, not a notoriously critical Wonderbolts captain
  6334. >Meanwhile, the president of the US, his generals, a former Nazi scientist, and a Soviet ambassador try to-
  6335. >Wow, that sounds like a “x, y, and z all walk into a bar” joke now that you’ve summarized it
  6336. >-all of them try to figure out what’s going on and how to stop it
  6337. >The highest general keeps trying to keep the ambassador from seeing “the big board with all the lights” that shows where all the bombers are
  6338. >He was rather funny
  6339. >It wasn’t as funny when he realized that the one bomber with a malfunctioning radio was going to complete its mission and set off the Soviets’ previously unknown automatic retaliation system
  6340.  
  6341.  
  6342. >The crew on that bomber doubted their mission the entire time, but never turned around
  6343. >There was even trouble getting the bombs to drop
  6344. >One of the crewmen jumped on top of it until it fell out of the plane, then rode it through the air until impact
  6345. >That’s it
  6346. >There’s a nuclear war
  6347. >Fallout lasts a century due to a new element used in the bombs
  6348. >Everyone dies
  6349. >The end
  6350. >We’ll meet again (don’t know where, don’t know when)
  6351. >You’d never seen a movie end like that before
  6352. >Movies are supposed to have happy endings, not whatever sort of ending that was
  6353. >No wonder the movie started with a disclaimer that the events in the movie would require several organizational failsafes not to be in place
  6354. >Everyhuman in that movie was so single-minded
  6355. >So determined
  6356. >It was like they forgot everything else as soon as they had a war to fight
  6357. >Sure, they were caricatures, but it was so scary and tragic
  6358. >Worse than that, it’s not fiction
  6359. >You did some internet searches after that movie
  6360. >Russia’s ‘Dead Hand’ system is a real, currently operational thing
  6361. >There are seismic sensors all over Russia that would request a nuclear strike if they detect activity consistent with a nuclear war, then automatically launch a retaliation if its request isn’t answered
  6362. >Thinking that had to be the extent of the movie’s truth, you checked the other side of the equation
  6363. >The US Air Force is under investigation for its poor handling of sexual abuse in its ranks
  6364. >Bad, but it could be much, much worse
  6365.  
  6366.  
  6367. >You also looked up some things about the Cuban Missile Crisis movie
  6368. >Apparently, it had been given materiel by the US military to use as props
  6369. >At least up until the military ‘Defense Films Liaison’ unit decided that a historically accurate portrayal of General Curtis Lemay wasn’t flattering enough
  6370. >What did they expect?
  6371. >It was a historical recreation that included the person who ordered the first use of ‘nuclear weapons’ in war and was nicknamed “Bombs Away Lemay”
  6372. >It’d be a lie to say he didn’t call for a “first strike” during the Crisis
  6373. >According to further research you did on the internet, the ‘flattery for props’ exchange is done by nearly every movie with military content
  6374. >This research was surprisingly difficult, as if the web searches were directing you away from relevant information
  6375. >Something is very wrong with your computer’s internet connection
  6376. >You don't know what or why, but something’s up
  6377. >That research (and pretty much everything else you were going to do) was interrupted by record rainfall seeping into the basement
  6378. >Luckily, you didn’t miss the news
  6379. >You actually did miss the news
  6380. >But the internet is the home to nearly all public information, so you’re listening to a recording from that day to make up for it
  6381.  
  6382.  
  6383.  
  6384. http://www.onthemedia.org/story/297724-surveillance-revelations-turkish-media-looks-away-and-more/
  6385. (Audio link: NPR’s “On The Media” broadcast from June 7th, 2013. Interesting points include an early discussion of the NSA scandal, details on the riots in Turkey, and an interview with a woman who is suffering from mistaken identity – she’s widely thought to be the same person as someone who died in a viral video of the violence surrounding Iran’s 2008 elections, and has been reproached several times for trying to clear that up. Interesting, but not essential.)
  6386.  
  6387.  
  6388. >A building demolition went wrong and collapsed onto a charity center
  6389. >The government of Syria is being accused of using lethal gas weapons against its own citizens, and investigators claim it’s already been confirmed
  6390. >There are several major floods occurring around the globe (and one minor flood in the basement last Friday)
  6391. >Turkish citizens are protesting en masse about government corruption after an environmentalist protest was treated unnecessarily harshly by police
  6392. >Those are minor news items at the moment
  6393. >Edward Snowden is currently the most infamous human alive
  6394. >He used to be a contractor working at the United States National Security Agency
  6395. >Four days ago, he released a bundle of documents to the media that details how the United States is monitoring its citizens’ communications
  6396. >The answer is “extensively”
  6397. >At first it was only revealed that the NSA was gathering information about caller, call recipient, and call length from a complicit telephone company
  6398. >It’s come out that they were also monitoring ‘instant messenger’ computer programs, electronic mail, and Celestia only knows what else
  6399.  
  6400.  
  6401. >Edward Snowden has since fled to Hong Kong, China, and extradition requests are being denied
  6402. >International tension is high between the United States and China, as well as a moderate increase in tension with Russia
  6403. >You’re not totally sure how to feel about this
  6404. >On the one hoof, he was going against his own country
  6405. >On the other, his country (THIS country) was doing something it shouldn’t have been doing
  6406. >The general reaction from the human public is indignation
  6407. >The reaction from Russia and China is to call the US a hypocrite
  6408. >Each of those nations had similar-but-overt programs of warrantless surveillance, and were regularly criticized by the US for them
  6409. >At least now you have some idea of how the Addams will react when it’s time to tell them about the spell you cast on Jake
  6410. >It’s not going to be pretty
  6411. >Between your broken promise to stay indoors, your spying enchantment, and the confirmation of this popular suspicion, you may never get an ‘E-mail’ account
  6412. >Most websites’ features are going to be unavailable to you
  6413. >And the recording you’re listening to just said that ‘social media’ is an integral part of human society
  6414. >That isn’t the worst implication for you, however
  6415. >Snowden
  6416. >…snowed in?
  6417. >In June?
  6418. >The news can’t be an indicator of what’s going on in Equestria
  6419. >It just can’t!
  6420.  
  6421.  
  6422. >You refuse to believe that there could be a war happening
  6423. >That’s the sort of thing that happens on Earth, not at home!
  6424. >Not if the music is an indication of what’s going on outside of this dream
  6425. >If Nightmare Moon has returned somehow, she’s not a threat anymore
  6426. >‘Here Comes the Sun,’ following some (goodness gracious) great balls of fire
  6427. >Not just any sun: ‘King Sun’
  6428. >It’s all right, according to The Beatles
  6429. >Possibly also according to Celestia herself
  6430. >Nightmare Moon has been subdued, and now Celestia is delivering messages instead
  6431. >Or Celestia is on her way
  6432. >Or something
  6433. >The tone of the songs suggests Celestia’s already taken care of business, or she will in the near future
  6434. >Is Nightmare Moon/Luna keeping you updated throughout all of this?
  6435. >Why would she do that?
  6436. >That doesn’t make sense
  6437. >The music plainly said that “nothing is real,” suggesting that you really may be in a dream, but you have no idea how “strawberry fields” would figure into it
  6438. >Then it started making even less sense
  6439. >Sitting in an English garden waiting for the sun to come
  6440. >But if the sun don’t come, you’ll get a tan from standing in the English rain
  6441. >I am the eggman, they are the eggmen, I am the walrus
  6442. >Goo goo ga joob
  6443. >Either Discord has something to do with this, or you’re just hearing yourself mutter deliriously
  6444. >Now you have no idea what to trust for a message from outside this dream
  6445. >You might have been making up all of these messages
  6446.  
  6447.  
  6448. >Then what?
  6449. >Do you have any connection to reality?
  6450. >This can’t not be a dream
  6451. >How else would you be here?
  6452. >Did ‘they’ send you here?
  6453. >Who is the ‘they’ from the last letter you got from Rainbow Dash?
  6454. >Changelings?
  6455. >Assuming this is real (and how could it be?) there are changelings who are better at high-level magic than any magic scholars of recent history
  6456. >You wouldn’t even be getting these secret messages if changelings were behind this
  6457. >And they wouldn’t have bothered with that Pinkie impersonation
  6458. >Are ‘they’ humans?
  6459. >Could humans have willed you here, a la Celestia and Luna’s sudden appearance from pure harmony?
  6460. >Is that just a thing that happens to alicorns from time to time?
  6461. >No
  6462. >That’s ridiculous
  6463. >Besides, your horn feels much different around humans than it did during that freak teleportation accident
  6464. >And the letter said that everything is actually under control
  6465. >Is it, or isn’t it?
  6466. >Should you be worried, or not?
  6467. >Nothing makes sense
  6468. >*twang*
  6469. >For example, what just tapped you on the back?
  6470. >You turn away from your desk to look and see-
  6471. >OH MY GOSH
  6472. >Human
  6473. >Camouflaged clothes
  6474. >Ski mask on face
  6475. >Holding a green and orange pistol
  6476. >POINTING PISTOL AT YOU
  6477. >You cover your head and close your eyes, inadvertently knocking your earbud headphones out in the process
  6478.  
  6479. (audio link: pause the previous link if you’re still listening to it.)
  6480.  
  6481.  
  6482. “Don’t hurt me! I’ll cooperate! I’ll do whatever you want!”
  6483. >“…are you SERIOUS right now? Are you fucking serious?”
  6484. >That sounded like Jake, but it came from the same place as the human
  6485. >You peek out from between your forelegs
  6486. >Just answer the question
  6487. “Umm…yes?”
  6488. >“Wrong answer.”
  6489. >The human figure removes its ski mask in a single, frustrated swipe
  6490. >It is Jake
  6491. >He lowers the gun and throws the mask onto your bed
  6492. >You lower your hooves
  6493. >Before you can collect your thoughts, he raises his voice
  6494. >“I’m okay with the whole cat-p0ny act, but now you’re being a pussy! I came down here half-expecting you to turn me into a newt, for fuck’s sake, and this is how you react?!”
  6495. >Jake snuck up behind you and scared you witless, and HE’S the one doing the berating?
  6496. >Who the hay does he think he is?
  6497. “W-well maybe I should turn you into a newt! You scared me half to death!”
  6498. >Reeeeal smooth
  6499. >Totally convincing
  6500. >At least he’s lowered his voice to a more reasonable tone
  6501. >“Yeah, but now I know you’re not going to.”
  6502. >He leans over to a shelf you didn’t clean and picks up a small bolt with his left hand
  6503. >You can see his arm bend back, then slowly swing forward and release the bolt
  6504. >It sails through the air straight towards your forehead
  6505. >You blink
  6506. >*tap*
  6507.  
  6508.  
  6509. >“Come on. I telegraphed that throw so hard you could’ve seen it from space, and you let it hit you? What are you, a horse?”
  6510. >Does he not recall that you specifically told him not to call you a horse?
  6511. >You are a pony
  6512. >There are several fundamental biological and physical differences between p0nies and horses
  6513. >GET IT RIGHT
  6514. “Don’t call me that!”
  6515. >That still came out too nervous and whiny
  6516. >“I prefer to call things what they are. You’re acting like a horse.”
  6517. “Yeah, well… so do I, and I’m not a horse!”
  6518. >“I preferred the cat-pony routine. A cat would’ve scratched me by now, or at least shown me it has claws.”
  6519. >He reaches back towards the same shelf
  6520. >“Do you know how humans tame horses?”
  6521. “N-no.”
  6522. >“It’s simple. Someone climbs onto a horse’s back and waits until the horse stops trying to throw them off.”
  6523. >He lazily tosses another bolt at your head
  6524. >You blink
  6525. >*tap*
  6526. >“I was on your back for less than a second. You responded by covering your head and begging for mercy.”
  6527. >Completely disregarding the fact that humans are on your back all the time with their control of your magic, you had a very good reason
  6528. “You were POINTING A GUN AT ME. What was I supposed to do?”
  6529. >“You could’ve turned it into snowflakes. Besides, I wasn’t pointing a gun at you.”
  6530. >Not a gun?
  6531. >Has Jake lost his mind?
  6532. “What do you call that thing in your hand?”
  6533.  
  6534.  
  6535. >Jake looks at the green and orange pistol, turning it over several times
  6536. >Then he puts something into the front of it and-
  6537. >POINTED AT YOU AGAIN
  6538. >You cover your head and scrunch your eyes shut
  6539. “Stop! Stop! Don’t point that at me!”
  6540. >*twang*
  6541. >Something hits the outer side of your forelegs
  6542. >One of your eyes opens cautiously
  6543. >You see a pair of rubber-tipped foam cylinders on the floor in front of you
  6544. >They’re about half an inch in diameter and three inches in length
  6545. >Did those…?
  6546. >“Yes, I just shot you. I told you it’s not a gun. I’m actually surprised you didn’t realize it was a toy.”
  6547. >Human toys… that just figures
  6548. >Jake’s idea of fun is getting tiresome
  6549. “You could have just shown it to me!”
  6550. >“Well, since you asked…”
  6551. >He winds up and lobs the pistol at you slowly
  6552. >Your magic barely deflects it to the side
  6553. >It skitters off the floor and ends up in the darkness somewhere under your desk
  6554. “Stop throwing things at me!”
  6555. >Risky move
  6556. >You’ve been trying to keep him from seeing your horn as you’re casting and hoping he doesn’t catch on
  6557. >“You’re a cornered animal. Bite me.”
  6558. “Stop.”
  6559.  
  6560.  
  6561. >“The all-powerful wizard isn’t even asking nicely.”
  6562. >Jake reaches back to the shelf where he got the bolts
  6563. >Big surprise: he’s picking up another bolt
  6564. “PLEASE stop.”
  6565. >His reply comes out flat, plain, and completely indifferent to your annoyance
  6566. >“No.”
  6567. >His arm cocks back
  6568. >As it comes forward again, he releases the bolt
  6569. >Getting really sick of this
  6570. >Darn the consequences, you charge your horn
  6571. >This bolt isn’t going to hit you
  6572. >It will be counteracted by an equal an opposite force to its velocity, then an equal and opposite force to gravity, and then drop
  6573. >But it doesn’t do that
  6574. >There’s a loud, snapping noise
  6575. >You aren’t sure what happened
  6576. >It happened so quickly that all you can see are the results, despite having kept your eyes open through all of it
  6577. >Jake has flinched off to the side
  6578. >Immediately behind him, a support post for the house has a piece of twisted metal embedded nearly halfway inside of it
  6579. >Both of you approach to inspect the damage
  6580.  
  6581.  
  6582. >“Well DAMN, Twilight! I think I heard a sonic crack come off of that thing!”
  6583. >Supersonic?
  6584. >That’s pretty impressive for something you didn’t mean to do
  6585. >It also could have caused serious bodily harm
  6586. >You need to clarify your intentions to Jake before you lose even more control over your magic
  6587. “I was trying to make it stop, but my magic made it bounce back somehow! I didn’t even use that much magic on it! Please don’t get the wrong idea. I’d never hurt you, let alone-”
  6588. >“I’d have been impressed if you did mean to do that. You’ve got potential, I’ll give you that.”
  6589. >He’s put one hand on each of his hips and is nodding slowly at your work
  6590. >Originally, your mouth had been agape from the shock of discovering that you’d thrown the bolt (without even intending to) so fast that it could have killed
  6591. >Now you’re agape at Jake for approving of how you nearly killed him
  6592. >What is going on here?
  6593. >You take a second to collect yourself before speaking in as calm a voice as you can manage
  6594. “Why are you bothering me?”
  6595. >“Bothering you? No, that’s a byproduct of what I’m doing.”
  6596. “Then what ARE you doing?”
  6597. >“Making sure you’re ready.”
  6598.  
  6599.  
  6600. >That didn’t answer your question
  6601. “For what?”
  6602. >“For the last week, I’ve been preparing an emergency plan. Let’s say that, hypothetically, there was an unmanned aircraft above our house because our living expenses suddenly rose for no good reason. You might have been spotted by a government agency that would have a vested interest in having you all to themselves.”
  6603. >The surprises keep on coming
  6604. “I’m still taking this Snowden event in… do you mean to say that this country’s government is using the same sort of vehicles they use for those ‘surgical strikes’ in Yemen on their own citizens, in addition to the ‘cyber-surveillance?’”
  6605. >“I think they could be. I might be misinterpreting something, and I know they’re not supposed to use them for strikes on their own soil, but I believe they’re allowed to at least fly them from base to base. I wouldn’t be surprised if they’ve taken a few liberties with that.”
  6606. “Is that legal?”
  6607. >“It shouldn’t be, but I’m pretty sure they wrote laws that said they could when they thought nobody was looking. Look, my point is that we may need to seek asylum in Canada if things get really bad. Our best bet is an Albuterol-fueled rush to the border.”
  6608.  
  6609.  
  6610. “I’m sorry, what’s ‘Albuterol?’”
  6611. >“It’s the inhaler I take before I go jogging. It should take about ten days of hiking and camping to get to Montreal. Traveling by foot (and hoof) means we don’t have to worry about roadblocks, and going through New Hampshire and Vermont should negate some of our mobility disadvantages. Tree cover is an added bonus to the route. Drones and other aircraft are going to have a harder time spotting us, even on infrared.”
  6612. “You’ve lost me again. Who are we running from?”
  6613. >“I thought it would be obvious. If the government gets it in its collective head that you’re worth kidnapping, they would bring every relevant military resource-”
  6614. >Whoa, hold on for a second
  6615. >Did he just say that a military would-
  6616. >Oh no, oh no, oh no no no no no!!!
  6617. “Wait, you mean to say that AN ENTIRE MILITARY could be coming after Spike and I because I went outside?!”
  6618. >“Calm down. If things really do go that way, all we’d have to contend with would probably be some National Guard units, police, and maybe a few special operations teams. Nothing you couldn’t handle with a bit of magic.”
  6619. “Nothing I couldn’t handle? I can barely rely on my magic! What do you think I am, a ‘god?!’”
  6620. >“You’re close enough for my purposes.”
  6621. “And what are those?!”
  6622. >“Well…”
  6623. >Jake stands up, only to take a seat on your bed
  6624. >He leans forward, putting his elbows onto his spread legs and steepling his fingers
  6625. >This process is surrounded by an agonizing silence
  6626.  
  6627.  
  6628. >“Regardless of how powerful you are, you’re what we call a ‘force multiplier:’ a factor that can give a small group disproportionate strength. You are my family’s ticket out of danger if we need to flee the country. The odds are a thousand to one that we really are going to get raided. We still need to be ready, and that means you need to be ready.”
  6629. “We would be going up against a large portion of a military! Thousands of people! I’m just one mare, for Celestia’s sake!”
  6630. >This is hopeless
  6631. >Absolutely hopeless
  6632. “No. I’m sorry. I-I can’t do this. We should just turn ourselves in before someone gets-”
  6633. >“If you convince yourself we’ll lose, we’ll definitely lose. Surrender isn’t an option.”
  6634. “Yes it is!”
  6635. >“No, it’s not. I can’t stand the thought of someone’s boot on my neck, figuratively or literally. I'm going to fight, even if you don't. How much of a chance I stand is up to you.”
  6636. >He's coercing you by betting his own life?
  6637. >This is completely insane!
  6638. >You need to try a different angle
  6639. >Something, anything to persuade him to give up
  6640. >He has to realize what sort of impact this would have on Earth
  6641.  
  6642.  
  6643. “What if we make it into Canada, but the US thinks I’m so important that they invade?! I might be the spark for your third ‘World War!’ What if it’s a ‘nuclear’ w-”
  6644. >“Stop speculating. Not even Congress is retarded enough to do that. Not after all the fuss over Edward Snowden. The man’s a patriot, and the US is getting nearly as much heat from pursuing him as they are from the documents he leaked. If the US starts that war, they’ll have nothing but enemies.”
  6645. “But they’re going after him anyway, so they’d definitely come after us! And how the hay is someone a patriot for betraying their country?”
  6646. >Your forehooves clamp to the sides of your head
  6647. “Nothing makes sense anymore!”
  6648. >“Nationalists say ‘my country, right or wrong.’ Patriots say ‘how can I make my country right?’ If my country has the gall to start a war over some scared girl and a little boy that just want to go home, I’d rather be a patriot than a nationalist. I won’t care about what happens if what I’m doing is right.”
  6649. “This is crazy…”
  6650. >“Do you want to hear my plan or not?”
  6651. >Need to regain control of the situation
  6652. >Need certainty
  6653. >Plan?
  6654. >Yes, a plan sounds good!
  6655. “I… oh Celestia, what are we going to do?”
  6656. >“This isn’t about what we ARE going to do, it’s what we MAY NEED to do. This is a contingency plan. Calm down and listen to me.”
  6657. >Okay, that makes this a little more bearable
  6658. >Your hyperventilating lungs seem to agree with that
  6659. >Now it’s just something bad which you don’t know if-
  6660.  
  6661.  
  6662. >No, it’s only slightly better in a different way
  6663. >You do feel your forehooves’ vise-grip on your head loosen
  6664. >“The short version is that we go north-northwest and don’t look back. I assume you and Spike would be wanted alive. Unless you provoke them, they won’t use lethal force against you. Psychological operations are our biggest threats. Shut them out when they try to talk to you. They will say anything to get you to surrender or make you freak out. I can tell that isn’t very hard to do to you, and the US has some of the best psyops of modern military history.”
  6665. “That’s not very comforting…”
  6666. >“I’ll repeat the important part. They will not kill you. They will not kill Spike. That will only change if you force their hand. Stay calm, ignore what they say, and you’ll live.”
  6667. >Not sure whether that’s comforting or not
  6668. >Who knows what would happen if you were captured?
  6669. >Who knows what will happen if you make it to Canada?
  6670. >What about your hosts?
  6671. “Do you think they’d try to kill you and your family?”
  6672. >“I doubt they’d think we’re as important as you and Spike. I don’t know if they’d try to kill us deliberately, but we’re safer if we stick with you.”
  6673.  
  6674.  
  6675. >Great
  6676. >This is entirely dependent on YOU
  6677. >And if you let anything happen to them, you can’t do anything for yourself
  6678. “I’m not so sure about being your first and last line of defense. I mean, I can’t count on my magic anymore.”
  6679. >“Can you handle a seven-pound metal object?”
  6680. >Math
  6681. >Yes, anything to distract you from this mess you might have caused
  6682. >Carry the two… find X…
  6683. >Approximately 80
  6684. >That’s just barely within standard deviation
  6685. >The answer is uncertain
  6686. “I think so?”
  6687. >“Good enough. Besides, you’re just the first line. We can’t have a force multiplier if the initial force is zero, can we?”
  6688. >He pulls a half-meter of metal pipe out of his coat and shows it to you
  6689. >Jake doesn’t do anything for a moment
  6690. >Maybe he wants you to take it from him?
  6691. >You grasp it in your hooves and try to figure out its purpose
  6692. “What is it?”
  6693. >“That’s a barrel, chamber, and pin. I made two more of these for Eliza and Jon, but this one is mine. It is my best friend. Having made it myself down at Al’s workshop, I’d say that I’ve mastered it as I’ve mastered my life.”
  6694. >Jake is speaking nonsense right now
  6695. >You shift and rotate the tube as well as you can with your hooves
  6696. >One end has a cap on it
  6697. >The other end seems to be made of a slightly thinner pipe that’s been slid inside the capped end
  6698. >What purpose it serves is still unclear
  6699.  
  6700.  
  6701. “Best friend? Would you please just tell me what you’re talking about?”
  6702. >“I’m talking about those probably-legal pipes. I got instructions how to make it on the internet a few years ago. The schematics called it a ‘Four Winds’ design and said it was popular in the Philippines back in the 40’s. I built it a little longer than it’s supposed to be so it has a tighter spread.”
  6703. >This obtuseness is getting on your nerves
  6704. “Never mind. Are you sure the Canadians would be willing to shelter us?”
  6705. >“Canada has a reputation for being a little less… uh…”
  6706. >Jake pauses for a few seconds as he searches for the right word
  6707. >“…opportunistic than the United States. Whether the US would accept the fact that we got away is something else.”
  6708. >Turning the pipe over, you notice a hole on one end
  6709. >Maybe there’s something inside the hole?
  6710. >You flip it over and shake it
  6711. >The pipe rattles slightly, but nothing comes out
  6712. “So we’re not safe even if we get out of the country?”
  6713. >“That’s up to the President. I know he doesn’t want any more stains on his reputation. Barring insubordination, we’ll be mostly safe.”
  6714. “Mostly?”
  6715. >“Unless he decides to follow the Mossad model of special operations, we’ll have garnered too much attention for someone to come after us directly without looking like a jerk.”
  6716. >You peek down the hole while trying not to obstruct the light
  6717. >It’s a hollow metallic tube within another hollow metallic tube
  6718. >You’re still no closer to figuring out its purpose
  6719.  
  6720.  
  6721. “Alright, I give up. I want to know what this is, especially if I’m holding contraband.”
  6722. >“It’s an improvised shotgun, you doofus.”
  6723. >EEP
  6724. >The ‘gun’ pipe clatters to the floor
  6725. >You kick it away for good measure, then return your attention to Jake
  6726. >Unlike you, he’s smiling
  6727. “Look, I’m not sure about you, but I’m not fond of the idea of pieces of metal moving through my body at high speed! You could have warned me!”
  6728. >“All the ammo that Evan borrowed from his brother’s stash is upstairs. Besides, it’s not my fault that you didn’t recognize the terms I used to describe it.”
  6729. “I still don’t appreciate all these scares!”
  6730. >The smile fades from him
  6731. >“And that’s why I’m scaring you.”
  6732. “You were trying to scare me?”
  6733. >“I was trying to figure out why you’re scared at all. There were so many things you could have done to defend yourself. Why didn’t you do anything when you saw me?”
  6734. >Besides the fact that your magic is useless for everything except what they want you to do?
  6735. “I… I don’t have a good answer.”
  6736. >“There’s no place for reluctance when your life is in danger. You need to develop a killer instinct.”
  6737. “I don’t want a killer instinct. I don’t want to kill, period!”
  6738.  
  6739.  
  6740. >“Well, in case you need to, I’m going to teach you how to survive a war.”
  6741. “But-”
  6742. >He grabs you firmly but gently on your withers and speaks in a calm desperation you’ve rarely heard before
  6743. >“I won’t give you a say in the matter. I put a week’s worth of planning into this, and I refuse to throw it all out. I’m going to help you, dammit!”
  6744. >This is all for your protection
  6745. >A certain somepony you know would go to the same lengths to convince you that there’s something you need to do
  6746. >You push him off and snort in frustration
  6747. “That’s a really circuitous way to remind me of my brother.”
  6748. >“What, he does things like this to you?”
  6749. “No. He’d have said it to my face instead of sneaking up on me.”
  6750. >“Not this time, he wouldn’t.”
  6751. >He pulls a scroll from his coat pocket and gives it to you
  6752. >You immediately recognize your brother’s writing
  6753.  
  6754.  
  6755. Jake,
  6756.  
  6757. You’re right. Twilight’s probably not going to want to go along with that, even if it’s something she really
  6758. needs to do. Try scaring her. Maybe fake an attack if you think you can pull that off. I’m not sure if you
  6759. can scare her any more than she is already, but it’s worth a shot. The stuff you’ve sent me about human
  6760. militaries is exciting to read about, but I shudder every time I think about what it must be like to be on
  6761. the receiving end.
  6762.  
  6763. Oh, and she’s probably going to ask to see this letter if you go through with that. Sorry, sis! It’s for your
  6764. own good!
  6765.  
  6766. Stay safe,
  6767. Cpt. Shining Armor, Canterlot Royal Guard, Command
  6768.  
  6769.  
  6770. >Now the ‘reminds you of your brother’ and your actual brother are collaborating
  6771. >Well, you’re going to have to win back the humans’ trust
  6772. >Submitting to their will seems to be the logical way to do that
  6773. >And if they trust you with their lives, they may trust you with nearly anything
  6774. >You sigh
  6775. “Is Celestia okay with this?”
  6776. >“She insisted that I don’t commit us to the plan until she was satisfied it could work. If you agree to help, we’re committed.”
  6777. >And Celestia’s in on it, too
  6778. >If it’s good enough for her…
  6779. “Alright, I’m in.”
  6780. >“Welcome to the fire team.”
  6781.  
  6782.  
  6783. >He gives you a brief pat on the side
  6784. >Fire team?
  6785. >You recall Jake coming down to check on the laundry detergent for some sort of fire-bomb recipe, but you don’t know if that was a serious consideration
  6786. >He starts speaking in a less welcoming, more serious tone before you can voice your concerns about using flame-based weaponry in a forested area
  6787. >“What do you know about war?”
  6788. >Not much
  6789. “Uh… humans have guns that can be shot a lot of times before they need to be loaded again, and their tanks are made of metal, and-”
  6790. >“Just say that you don’t know much.”
  6791. “Okay, fine. I don’t.”
  6792. >“And that’s exactly why I want to teach you. Lesson one: camouflage.”
  6793. >Jake begins to shimmy out of his camouflaged jacket
  6794. >So, he thinks he’s going to teach you about camouflage?
  6795. >As if you have anything to learn from him!
  6796. >Time to show him up for all of this
  6797. >You reply the moment he has the jacket over his head
  6798. “I actually have a decent understanding of camouflage techniques.”
  6799. >He lays the jacket on the bed beside himself
  6800. >“Is that so?”
  6801.  
  6802.  
  6803. “The fundamentals of concealment are shape, shine, silhouette, shade, speed, shadows, and sound.”
  6804. >Jake’s mouth drops open
  6805. >He blinks a few times
  6806. >Ah, good
  6807. >Humans must use that alliteration as well
  6808. >For once, the similarities between home and here are helpful
  6809. >You can’t help but smile at Jake’s befuddlement
  6810. “Just because I’m unfamiliar with human warfare doesn’t mean I’m helpless.”
  6811. >“But your brother said-”
  6812. “They don’t wear camouflage so the generals can know where their own troops are.”
  6813. >Then how did you-”
  6814. “Nature watching. Standing out in the open while observing a dragon migration isn’t exactly a good idea…”
  6815. >You take a few steps to close the distance on him, then prop yourself up to eye level with him by standing your forehooves on the bed just between his legs
  6816. >You whisper as you lean in close to him
  6817. >The two of you are practically nose-to-nose
  6818. “…but that’s just common sense for a purple beacon of light.”
  6819. >His tiny eyes break contact with yours, methodically scanning for an escape
  6820. >He won’t find one
  6821. >You take your right forehoof and place it on his nose
  6822. >And then you give a light push
  6823. >He offers no resistance, falling back onto the mattress with an audible gust of air
  6824. >You hop up onto the mattress beside him and place the opposite forehoof on his chest
  6825. “Quit talking down to me like I'm some stupid little kid.”
  6826.  
  6827.  
  6828. >“It’s hard to do anything except talk UP to you from this angle, princess.”
  6829. “And don’t call me pr-”
  6830. >You’re tumbling
  6831. >You land on your belly, still on the mattress
  6832. >Something hard is digging into your left side and compressing your wing
  6833. >Something else is holding your left foreleg out to the side, nearly overextending your limb
  6834. >Point is, whatever just happened is painful
  6835. >“Let’s make one thing clear: you’re not the expert here.”
  6836. >What the heck?
  6837. >You look up and to your left
  6838. >Jake has somehow wrestled you into a submission hold
  6839. “In fact, you don’t know jackshit about war. I think I know why.”
  6840. >The position he has you in is legitimately painful
  6841. >It’s like a stretch gone just a bit too far
  6842. >Not enough to be agonizing, but your pain is only exacerbated by how ticked off you’re feeling
  6843. >“You can’t think when you’re afraid.”
  6844. “Let me go! You can’t do this to me!”
  6845. >Jake continues as if you hadn’t said anything
  6846. >“You think humanity is a threat to you. It isn’t. Someone as intelligent and powerful as you has no reason to feel fear. You just don’t know what to expect from humanity if they really do want to hurt you. There’s a simple solution to this: stop being a coward long enough to actually think. I know you’re smart enough to figure shit out for yourself because you never ask the obvious questions during the movies. If you’d kept a level head, you might have realized I was wearing outdated camo and using a fucking toy gun.”
  6847.  
  6848.  
  6849. >You try flapping your free wing, wriggling around, ANYTHING to get out of this hold
  6850. >Nothing works
  6851. >Magic won’t get you out of this
  6852. >Struggling only made it hurt more
  6853. >You’re going to have to talk your way out of this
  6854. “What do you want?”
  6855. >He loosens the hold just enough for it to hurt less
  6856. >“I already told you. I want to know why you’re afraid.”
  6857. “I have a lot to be afraid about.”
  6858. >Jake looks away, rolling his eyes and exhaling sharply
  6859. >“If you’re going to insist on being afraid, then whatever. Fear reminds you that you’re alive, and that you want to stay that way. I’m not okay with how you react to fear. Don’t let it control you. Make it MOTIVATE you, and for fuck’s sake stop holding yourself back.”
  6860. >He bends over to whisper in your ear
  6861. >“It’s all in your head.”
  6862. >That it is, Jake
  6863. >That it is
  6864. >Wait, there’s something on his breath…
  6865. >Nevermind
  6866. >You were probably just imagining that, the same as everything else is being imagined
  6867. >Strawberry fields
  6868. >Nothing is real
  6869. >Great, now that song’s stuck in your head
  6870. >Why couldn’t it have been a good song, like ‘Imagine?’
  6871.  
  6872.  
  6873. >He finally releases you and sits cross-legged on the opposite side of the bed
  6874. >You sit up on the mattress to rub your sore leg
  6875. “What’s gotten into you?”
  6876. >“Alcohol.”
  6877. >What
  6878. >“I may or may not have had a bottle of Mike’s Hard Lemonade before I came down here.”
  6879. “You’re drunk? Seriously?”
  6880. >“It was just enough to keep me from feeling afraid. I mean, seriously. You could’ve turned me into a newt. Newt-ification is a fate worse than death.”
  6881. >And a fate that you wouldn’t deal out lightly
  6882. >Besides, it’s not really a ‘fate’ if the enchantment would fade after a while
  6883. >Probably
  6884. >He doesn’t understand magic (even though you gave him the opportunity to TRY), he barges down here and makes you fear for your life, and now he’s drunkenly accusing you of being willing to turn him into an amphibious creature for the second time in a row
  6885. >A pony with less patience would have thrown him out of the basement by now
  6886. >Possibly literally
  6887. >That pony might not be as concerned about their magic as you
  6888. “You remind me of those soldiers in ‘The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly.’ Have to get drunk to have the will to confront me, even though I said I'd never hurt you…”
  6889. >“That’s an idea! Maybe we should get you drunk. You sure don’t feel like fighting when you’re sober.”
  6890. “NO.”
  6891.  
  6892.  
  6893. >“Alright, okay, no need to get upset. Just pointing out that you’re a wizard who specced into magic instead of charisma this time.”
  6894. >Once more, what
  6895. >The first time must have been coincidence, now that telepathy is ruled out
  6896. >This can’t be a reference to your personal history, unless-
  6897. >“You know, like that time your brother tried to get you into playing Oubliettes and Ogres? He told me all about it. You’re the funniest fuckin’ thing when you’re out of your element. Seriously, rolling a wizard with HIGH charisma? Who does that?”
  6898. >Okay, that’s the last straw
  6899. >You stop rubbing your sore muscles and sock him one
  6900. >Right in the jaw
  6901. >Wait a sec, you just punched him
  6902. >Hard enough to knock him over on the mattress, right onto the camouflage jacket he’d taken off
  6903. >This decision may not have had enough thought put into it
  6904. >He props himself up on an elbow and runs his tongue around the inside of his mouth to check for loose teeth
  6905. >“Augh… Thank you! Finally, jeez.”
  6906. >Yet again, what
  6907. >He’s messing with you
  6908. >This has to be some sort of mind-game
  6909. “You wanted me to hit you? What is wrong with you?”
  6910. >“What’s wrong with me? What’s wrong with you? I had to push you so far before you tried pushing back!”
  6911. “I gave you plenty of comeuppance when you talked down to me about camouflage. You’re the one who kept it going after that!”
  6912. >“That doesn’t count. I forgot about that. You got an advantage you weren’t supposed to have.”
  6913.  
  6914.  
  6915. “And what should I do when I’m at a disadvantage?”
  6916. >“Fight anyway.”
  6917. “Against these odds? This is the worst thing I’ve ever agreed to.”
  6918. >“You’re like a tiger with the mind of a mouse. If you’re willing to fight, the odds aren’t against you because you’re a fucking wizard.”
  6919. >Change the subject
  6920. “You’re being awfully vulgar.”
  6921. >“You’re being awfully cowardly and you swear like a kindergartener. I’m DRUNK. You don’t have an excuse!”
  6922. “On one bottle of hard lemonade?”
  6923. >“Okay, not very drunk. Doesn’t change the fact that you’re a spineless coward.”
  6924. >That didn’t work
  6925. >Perhaps you could distract him with a cultural reference?
  6926. “The meek shall inherit the Earth.”
  6927. >“They don’t inherit the good parts. That’s just not how things work around here.”
  6928. >Jake swings his legs off of the side of the bed
  6929. >“Fight or die. I know you don’t want to do either, but you have to choose one.”
  6930. >He stands up and walks over to your desk
  6931. >“You’re not dying on my watch, and I know you’re capable of violence. You just won’t fight unless you have the right reason. I think I’ve figured out which one it is.”
  6932. >He picks up one of your spellbooks
  6933. >You can’t tell which from this angle
  6934.  
  6935.  
  6936. >“It’s the same reason the Native Americans scalped.”
  6937. >Not a reason you like
  6938. >May as well chip in with one that’s not as horrible just to show that you know what he’s trying to get across
  6939. “And it’s why Captain America fights using a shield.”
  6940. >“Exactly. Anything is justified when you’re on defense. Say, would you mind if I took a look at this just to get an idea of what you’re capable of?”
  6941. “I mind. Put it back.”
  6942. >“I’m just gonna flip through it for a few minutes. Y’know, get a general idea of what high sorcery can do.”
  6943. “I said put it back.”
  6944. >“Make me.”
  6945. >Since that’s what he wants, he gets it
  6946. >Your magic snatches the book from his hand and places it on the desk just beside your keyboard
  6947. >It’s ‘The Specialist’s Spellbook’
  6948. >In light of all the evidence against telepathy, one last WHAT is in order
  6949. >He wouldn’t even be having this conversation if he knew the truth about your unreliable magic
  6950. >It might be a good idea to just tell him
  6951. >Then again, there doesn’t seem to be any dissuading him from this crazy plan of his
  6952. >Besides, you would prefer that he figure it out for himself
  6953.  
  6954.  
  6955. >It’s hard to tell whether he’s even considering the possibility of humans’ anomalous magical characteristics interfering with your magic
  6956. >You’d given him that “Foal’s First Spellbook’ to see if he was close to understanding that humans can influence your magic
  6957. >If he’d figured that out on his own, you might have come clean about that
  6958. >But that obviously didn’t happen
  6959. >It’s been so long since you’ve had anyone to talk to about the mechanics of magic that really understood it
  6960. >Even Jon’s confused by magic, and he’s the second-most scientific mind in the house
  6961. >As if Jake would be able to understand high-level magic if he was struggling with a spellbook for foals
  6962. >It was worth trying
  6963. >No, he doesn’t get the book today
  6964. >Not after all of this hoopla
  6965. >“Celestia’s right. You are a good student. You just learned about the importance of retaliation.”
  6966. >Retaliation
  6967. >Eye for an eye
  6968. >Yeah, you’re familiar with the concept
  6969. >And you’ve seen firsthoof where it can get you
  6970. “I’m not getting roped into the human cycle of retaliation again. There has to be a peaceful way to do this.”
  6971. >He turns to you and leans back against your desk
  6972. >“Cycle of retaliation? What the hell are you on about now?”
  6973. “Human history has a cycle of retaliation that goes back for millennia. That cycle needs to be broken, not perpetuated.”
  6974. >“This isn’t the time for a big discussion about human nature.”
  6975. >Oh COME ON
  6976.  
  6977.  
  6978. “I’ve determined that Hammurabi’s Code may very well be the basis for human history. Give me some credit, would you?”
  6979. >“It’s not the basis of history. It was just codifying what everyone wants. Hell, you wanted it!”
  6980. “You’re doing a spectacular job of making me an unhappy poony.”
  6981. >“If you really wanted to be happy, we’d still be doing those magic experiments. You sure you don’t want to do that today?”
  6982. >There’s no good answer to that
  6983. >Change the subject again
  6984. “I demand bellyrubs.”
  6985. >“Tempting, but I need to get going.”
  6986. “And where do you think you’re going?”
  6987. >He kneels to scoop the pipe-gun off of the floor
  6988. >“I told Jon I’m going to help him mark the route for his group bike ride today. He’s waiting for me.”
  6989. “Don’t we have more pressing issues to deal with?”
  6990. >“Nah. We've already had ten days, so I figure we have a little while until we get raided. If we get raided. Besides, derailing our lives just to prepare for a maybe-happening would mean we wouldn’t have to wonder about whether we’re under direct surveillance.”
  6991. >Wait, he knows when this is going to happen?
  6992. >That would have been relieving to know a few minutes ago
  6993. “You mean you know when we should expect… whatever is going to be sent after Spike and I?”
  6994. >“It’s more of an educated guess.”
  6995. “Okay, but when?”
  6996.  
  6997.  
  6998. >“July 4th. A suppressed weapon sounds enough like a string of firecrackers for it to be ignored on a night when actual fireworks are going off. It’d also give the operators who might or might not try to kick in our doors time to make a mockup of the house and run some drills in it. If they’re planning on coming in through a door, we’re pretty much set thanks to your spellcasting. All the other ways to enter and clear a house are really loud, so it should at least give us a few seconds of warning.”
  6999. “I wish you’d told me that earlier.”
  7000. >“I forgot. Also, I’m a bit drunk. Not sure if I mentioned that.”
  7001. >He stands up from his kneel and proceeds upstairs with the pipe-gun in hand
  7002. >“Jon’s waiting for me. See you later, barfbag.”
  7003. “That only happened once, and it was because you insisted on watching that ‘D-Day’ movie!”
  7004. >You trot upstairs after him
  7005. “Jake, you are being an unfathomable jerk right now. You’ve been an unfathomable jerk ever since you found out I’d been outside!”
  7006. >“I have my reasons.”
  7007. >At the top of the stairs, he ducks into his room and takes a handful of small red cylinders with golden caps off the top of his dresser using his free hand
  7008. >You can hear Spike playing whatever game he’s playing now
  7009. >It’s probably the same as that one he was playing a couple months ago
  7010.  
  7011.  
  7012. “I think I’m entitled to know those reasons!”
  7013. >Jake drops the cylinders into his pants pocket and turns to you
  7014. >“Fair enough.”
  7015. >He squats down to eye level with you and lowers his voice to a near-whisper
  7016. >“I couldn’t live with myself if I let anything bad happen to you. I know you’re not going to like what I put you through to get ready, but that’s how tough love works.”
  7017. >He reaches behind your head with the hand which hand been holding the cylinders
  7018. >“Do you really think I’d cheat myself out of seeing you smile again?”
  7019. >Before you can reply, his fingers start moving inside of your mane and massage your scalp
  7020. >It’s bliss
  7021. >Pure bliss
  7022. >Yesssssss
  7023. >Wait
  7024. >Why is it stopping?
  7025. >He isn’t scratching anymore
  7026. >Come on, that was three seconds at most!
  7027. >Now something is on your nose instead
  7028. >“Boop.”
  7029. >You open your eyes to see a finger poking the end of your snout
  7030. >You swat it away with a forehoof
  7031. “Quit toying with me.”
  7032. >“I’d say sorry, but I don’t want you getting used to hearing me apologize.”
  7033. “Would you please apologize anyway?”
  7034. >“For helping you toughen up? Best I can tell, nobody’s been a real jerk to you before. Just be glad that your first time is with someone who’s doing it because they like you.”
  7035. >Jake has a point
  7036. >Not a pleasant one, but a point
  7037. >The best response you can come up with is to grumble “fine”
  7038.  
  7039.  
  7040. >He stands back up and pulls another object off of his dresser through the open doorway
  7041. >This one’s a Digital Video Disc case
  7042. >Jake offers it to you as he speaks
  7043. >“I want you to have looked up the difference between a magazine and a clip and watched this movie before I get back. Take notes on it so I know how much you’ve seen. We’ll get into hand signals, movement, communication, and weapons handling sometime later.”
  7044. >You take the case in your hooves and scan around the cover-slip’s writing
  7045. >It’s titled ‘Gladiator’
  7046. >Great, another violent one
  7047. >Gaining trust by letting him pick the movies to watch is turning out to be an unpleasant plan
  7048. >Wait, the running time on this movie is three hours?
  7049. “Uh… how long are you going to be out with Jon?”
  7050. >“About two hours, maybe a bit more.”
  7051. “Okay, because this movie runs for more than that. I don’t think I can-”
  7052. >Jake’s footsteps retreat down the hall, through the kitchen, and out the door
  7053. >You stow the case under a folded wing
  7054. “…meanie.”
  7055.  
  7056.  
  7057. >But he’s being a meanie to help you
  7058. >Plus he has those scratching hands and really reminds you of your brother
  7059. >Granted, Shining never did anything like that before (and couldn't scratch behind your ears like he does)
  7060. >It’s like Jake is your brother’s personality taken to the illogical extreme, but with hands
  7061. >That submission hold came out of nowhere
  7062. >Your leg STILL hurts a bit
  7063. >Hopefully he’s only like this when he thinks he’s drunk
  7064. >No point dwelling on that, though
  7065. >You need to send a letter asking Shining what he was thinking, telling Jake to pull that stunt
  7066. >Back in the basement, you get your ink and quill and pen out a quick “what the hay?” letter
  7067. >You put the Digital Video Disk case on your desk and stow the letter under the same wing before returning upstairs
  7068. >Spike’s still playing that game as you come up behind him
  7069. >Now that you can see the screen of the television, you can tell exactly what he’s doing
  7070. >It looks like he’s making a ball of snow roll itself around a volcanic area
  7071. >Isn’t this game supposed to be about a bear?
  7072. >Whatever, it doesn’t matter
  7073. “Spike?”
  7074. >Your assistant looks behind himself to make eye contact with you
  7075. >“What’s up, Twilight?”
  7076. “‘What’s up’ is that my brother is being a bit of a jerk-by-proxy.”
  7077. >Spike turns his full attention to you, standing on the couch cushions and leaning forward onto the seat’s side rest
  7078. “Shining just had Jake dress up like a soldier and fake an attack on me. Jake was a bit overzealous, to say the least.”
  7079.  
  7080.  
  7081. >“What do you mean?”
  7082. “I mean that Jake wrestled me into a submission hold out of nowhere and called me a coward.”
  7083. >“And you pulled him off with your magic, right?”
  7084. >You look away and begin an evasive silence
  7085. >“Did you at least spook him with your magic? I know you figured out that it scares humans if you just touch them with it and they don’t want you to.”
  7086. >You remain silent
  7087. >The silence says more than your words could
  7088. >“…Did you do anything?”
  7089. >May as well just say it at this point
  7090. “No…”
  7091. >Spike’s brow furrows in concern
  7092. >“You just LET him?!”
  7093. “Yes...”
  7094. >“Come on, Twilight. This isn’t like you! Is something wrong? If it’s the whole ‘might have to run to Canadia’ thing, I think Jake has that figured out. We’re gonna be-”
  7095. >His eyes dart back over to the television
  7096. >The ball of snow which had been rolling around is now substantially smaller
  7097. >Spike picks up the Nintendo remote and presses a large, red button
  7098. >The snowball stops melting as the game switches to a menu of selections
  7099. >“As I was saying, we’re gonna be okay. I think he knows what he’s doing.”
  7100. >Spike drops the remote onto the couch
  7101. >Going to be fine?
  7102. >Doubtful
  7103. >Knows what he’s doing?
  7104. >[Citation needed]
  7105. >…You may be spending too much time on ‘Wikipedia’
  7106.  
  7107.  
  7108. “Did he tell you the whole plan? All he told me before he rushed off was that we’d hike northwest for two weeks and try not to get caught.”
  7109. >“That’s all he told you? He told me three plans.”
  7110. >Oh, there are others?
  7111. >Let’s see if any of those are less insane
  7112. “What are they?”
  7113. >Spike leans his elbows onto the side rest of the couch so he can gesture as he explains
  7114. >“Okay, there’s plan ‘A’ where we don’t do anything super-suspicious and hope you weren’t noticed. If that fails and they think that someone’s watching us, we go to plan ‘B,’ which is to get in the car and go to Canadia. If that fails, we go to plan ‘C.’ I think ‘C’ is the one he told you.”
  7115. >Thank goodness, some reasonable plans!
  7116. “Why wouldn’t he tell me those?”
  7117. >Spike shrugs
  7118. >“I dunno. Did you panic when he was telling you plan ‘C?’”
  7119. >You don’t answer that
  7120. >There’s another pregnant silence
  7121. >“…That explains that. I thought I heard you panic down there. He has it figured out, trust me.”
  7122. >You want to believe that, but there’s so much uncertainty
  7123. >For one thing, you only know the basics of plan ‘C’
  7124. “What else did he tell you about plan ‘C?’ I didn’t catch much of it.”
  7125. >“I’m supposed to stay with you the whole time. We’re getting our food from Equestria so we don’t have to carry as much.”
  7126. “Anything else?”
  7127. >“He kept saying that we’d ‘take zip guns and go in the woods’ over and over again.”
  7128. >You cock an eyebrow
  7129. >Maybe there isn’t anything except the basics of plan ‘C’
  7130. “Well… THAT just fills me with confidence.”
  7131.  
  7132.  
  7133. >You levitate the letter out from under your wing and into Spike’s reach
  7134. “Send this, please? My brother and I need to discuss something.”
  7135. >“If you want an apology for getting pinned down by Jake, that wasn’t Shining’s idea.”
  7136. “Shining still owes me an apology. He’s the one who wanted Jake to scare me in the first place.”
  7137. >Spike sounds tired, as if he just doesn’t want to argue right now
  7138. >“Can you blame him?”
  7139. “For coming up with an idea that made me think I was about to die? Yes. Yes I can.”
  7140. >Spike simply shrugs and breathes his fire onto your letter, sending it without even touching it
  7141. >“Fair’s fair, I guess.”
  7142. >He plops back down onto the couch and resumes his game
  7143. >You’re about to turn and leave when Spike calls after you
  7144. >“Hey, Twilight?”
  7145. >Sounds like he wants to talk about something less serious
  7146. >Good; you could use a break
  7147. “Yes?”
  7148. >“What are industries?”
  7149. >He must have finally started listening to the radio news
  7150. >There was a controversy about worker treatment in the garments industry after a factory collapse in April
  7151. “They’re the human equivalent to craftspony guilds. Why do you ask?”
  7152. >“The last level I played was called ‘Grunty Industries’ and it was in a huge factory or something.”
  7153. >Or not
  7154. >A minor disappointment
  7155.  
  7156.  
  7157. >“It’s kind of odd that you’d say it’s like a guild. I didn’t see a lot of actual workers in it…”
  7158. “Then it must have been a mechanized factory. They’re useful for making a lot of a specific product with moderate quality, though they can’t change to producing a new product as quickly.”
  7159. >“Ah, okay. More ‘machines instead of magic’ stuff.”
  7160. “More or less. This one’s mostly about circumventing the lack of cutie mark-given talent instead of active magic, though.”
  7161. >The sound of an exterior door opening and closing rings out from the kitchen
  7162. >Jon or Jake must have forgotten something
  7163. >This is your chance to let Jake know he gave you an impossible task
  7164. >You turn and call out to whoever entered
  7165. “Jake? If that’s you, we need to talk.”
  7166. >No response
  7167. >You can still hear somehuman moving in the kitchen
  7168. “Jon?”
  7169. >Maybe the attack is coming sooner than expected
  7170. >You glance back at Spike
  7171. >He’s playing his videogame without a care in the world
  7172. >The sound of the movement in the kitchen stops
  7173. “…Hello?”
  7174.  
  7175.  
  7176. >To your surprise, you hear a reply from Eliza
  7177. >“Hi Twilight. Sorry, I didn’t mean to scare you.”
  7178. >Phew
  7179. >Okay, everything is fine
  7180. >She is home extremely early, though
  7181. >It’s barely lunchtime
  7182. >You start walking towards the kitchen
  7183. “What’s the occasion? Shouldn’t you be teaching?”
  7184. >“I didn’t have as much work as I expected today. Just a few tests to grade while the semester winds down.”
  7185. >Ah, that makes sense
  7186. >Arriving in the kitchen, you find Eliza hunched over the table, scribbling on some graph paper with her open ‘laptop’ off to the side
  7187. >Her face is scrunched in concentration
  7188. “So you brought it home to work on it instead?”
  7189. >Eliza doesn’t look up from her work, mumbling a simple, monotonous “no” in reply
  7190. >She seems preoccupied
  7191. >Maybe this isn’t the best time to be bothering her
  7192. “Oh. Um… I’ll just leave you to whatever that is.”
  7193.  
  7194.  
  7195. >You start backing down the hall
  7196. >“Wait! I mean… would you stay with me for a few minutes?”
  7197. >…Into the kitchen it is, then
  7198. >Eliza motions for you to take a seat next to her
  7199. >The chair squeaks softly as you climb onto it
  7200. >You steal a glance at the graph paper now that you’re close enough to read it
  7201. >From the looks of things, she’s calculating an average based on a table her ‘laptop’ is showing
  7202. >That’s well below calculus-level math
  7203. >Eliza wouldn’t have asked you to stay if she didn’t want your company, and you’ll never know if you don’t ask
  7204. “So… what are you working on?”
  7205. >Your question causes Eliza to look away from her work
  7206. >“Hmm?”
  7207. “Are you trying to figure out your classes’ averages?”
  7208. >“No, I’m checking Papi’s ERA.”
  7209. >That probably means something
  7210. >You have no idea what, but it means something
  7211. “Beg pardon?”
  7212. >“Oh! Sorry.”
  7213. >Eliza shakes her head and looks back at her work
  7214. >“Didn’t realize who I was talking to. I’m just double-checking a baseball player’s statistics before the game tonight.”
  7215. >She didn’t realize she was speaking to the only alicorn on the planet?
  7216. >Given what’s probably on her mind, that’s hard to believe
  7217. “Oh, right. Jake told me you liked baseball.”
  7218. >She doesn’t reply
  7219. “Um… yeah.”
  7220.  
  7221.  
  7222. >Still nothing from her
  7223. >Small-talk is going nowhere
  7224. >Leaving would be rude, and no-talk is too uncomfortable
  7225. >Time for some big-talk
  7226. “I… I’m sorry.”
  7227. >“About what?”
  7228. >There we go
  7229. “About everything. Spike and I have been such a burden, and that trip onto the roof might get us all killed. I mean-”
  7230. >She wearily cuts off your apology
  7231. >“Was Jake talking to you recently?”
  7232. “Wha- Yes! Just before you got home. My brother convinced him to scare the living daylights out of me by coming into the basement dressed like a soldier and waving a fake gun around.”
  7233. >In response, Eliza puts one elbow on the table and uses the same arm’s hand to cover her eyes
  7234. >She sits like this for nearly fifteen seconds before sighing and speaking again
  7235. >“More than anything, I’m worried about him. My son, I mean.”
  7236. “You mean that he’s going to die because-”
  7237. >Eliza cuts you off again, this time with a hint of anger
  7238. >“No. Dammit, he must have talked to you about that stupid plan. It’s my fault he thought that up. I never should have told him I have a friend in Quebec. If anything is going to happen, there’s going to be a man in a suit who comes to our door and politely asks us to come with him to D.C.”
  7239.  
  7240.  
  7241. >You’re briefly unsure whether to feel encouraged by having someone who agrees with you that the plan Jake told you is crazy, or confused as to whether it’s completely unnecessary
  7242. >Confusion wins out
  7243. >Eliza takes your silence as a cue to continue
  7244. >“He talked to me on my way in. He said he wants to organize a block party at our house on the night of the fourth. He thinks that having a bunch of our neighbors around would make the soldiers think twice about attacking. It might work on the off chance we are attacked, but…”
  7245. >Not even half a second after she stops talking, you complete the thought
  7246. “…If it doesn’t, it’s just putting people in danger.”
  7247. >She sighs
  7248. >“Yeah. This isn’t like him. It’s so brutal, wanting to use our neighbors like this.”
  7249. >Eliza finally removes her hand from her face and uses it to make an open-handed gesture upwards
  7250. >“I want my son back. I want my baby boy, not this gun-building... thing that he’s become. I can’t stand guns. Don’t tell him, but I threw mine out.”
  7251. >Eliza’s seeming more and more reasonable by the moment
  7252. >You’re going to have to talk to Jon about the guns, though
  7253. >There’s a decent chance he’ll go ‘Elmer Fudd’ on the rabbits harassing his garden if he’s given the chance
  7254. “You really think this is completely unnecessary?”
  7255. >“It’s not necessary. It can’t be.”
  7256. >Okay not totally reasonable, but in her place you’d say the same thing
  7257. “I’ll try and keep him from going overboard with this.”
  7258. >“I’d really appreciate that. Thank you, Twilight.”
  7259.  
  7260.  
  7261. “What about the party? Having a lot of guests around isn’t exactly conducive to hiding Spike and I.”
  7262. >Her hand drops to the table
  7263. >“I agreed to set it up. Having the party as a deterrent makes sense as long as you stay in the basement. I don’t like it, but I don’t know what else I can do.”
  7264. >The feeling is mutual
  7265. “I can’t stand the things he’s doing either, but they’re not completely illogical. The only other ways I can think of to regain control of the situation might be even worse. Either Spike and I turn ourselves in, or we go fully public and reveal ourselves to the world.”
  7266. >Eliza squints slightly as she looks at you
  7267. >“Why would going public be worse?”
  7268. “For one thing, I’d be disregarding Celestia’s wishes. For another, I…”
  7269. >You think twice about telling her the other reason
  7270. “…actually, I’m not sure I’m in the mood to talk about the other reason. I feel like the stress is going to snap me in two.”
  7271. >You let yourself slump onto the table
  7272. “I’m having the ‘Sword of Damocles’ hung over my head. It’s even being done by a drunken person who wants a party, just like the myth. I guess he expects me to save all of the guests, too.”
  7273. >“You won’t need to.”
  7274. >Optimistic delusions got you into this situation
  7275. >Eliza’s optimism won’t get you out of it
  7276. >Not for certain, at least
  7277. “Maybe, but just the specter of it is enough for me. ‘With great power comes great responsibility.’ Story of my life.”
  7278.  
  7279.  
  7280. >Glancing in Eliza’s direction again, you see her reaching toward you
  7281. >She starts stroking your back
  7282. >She’s rubbing in the wrong direction half of the time, but you don’t want it to stop
  7283. >Whatever, you may as well tell her
  7284. “Can I tell you a secret?”
  7285. >“If it will make you feel better.”
  7286. >You sit back up, cueing Eliza to take her hand off of you
  7287. “First, would you mind telling me a bit about who you are? Where you were raised, and that sort of thing?”
  7288. >“Uh… upstate New York with my mom, dad, and all of my siblings.”
  7289. “How many siblings?”
  7290. >“Two brothers and two sisters, not including myself.”
  7291. >Whoa, that’s a bunch by any sentient species’ standards
  7292. >You whistle in amazement, temporarily forgetting your own situation
  7293. “Wow. I’m guessing you had to compete for attention sometimes?”
  7294. >“Yeah.”
  7295. >You point at her with both forehooves
  7296. “Okay, that is exactly the life I wanted to have.”
  7297. >“Pardon?”
  7298. “You’re normal. The ‘Plain Jane,’ wouldn’t-get-a-second-glance kind of normal.”
  7299. >Both of your forehooves retake their place on the table
  7300.  
  7301.  
  7302. >Now the temporary nature of forgetting your situation has ended
  7303. “I’ve stuck out in a crowd for my whole life. It’s always been, ‘There’s Twilight Sparkle, testing well above her age group in school again.’ ‘There’s Twilight Sparkle, graduating high school before she’s even got a cutie mark.’ ‘There’s Twilight Sparkle, applying to the greatest magic institution in the country when she’s still a filly.’ ‘There’s Twilight Sparkle, Celestia’s new pupil.’ ‘There’s Twilight Sparkle, the Royal Guard Captain’s little sister.’ It’s like I can never be a regular person.”
  7304. >You groan in pent-up frustration
  7305. “I’m just glad Celestia’s managed to keep the whole ‘Elements of Harmony’ business relatively quiet; I know I’d never hear the end of that.”
  7306. >“Elements of Harmony?”
  7307. >Darn it again, you really did just mention that, didn’t you?
  7308. “I-it’s a long story. I don’t want to talk about it.”
  7309. >A very, very long story that you dismissed with little more than a hoof-wave and a stuttered excuse
  7310. “Frankly, I’m sick of being exceptional. I had to hide personal details from my friends just so I could seem SORT OF normal to them. I’ve just about given up on normality ever since I got my wings. Now that I’m world famous back in Equestria, I’m pretty much resigned to this fate unless Celestia does something about it.”
  7311. >“You’re tired of being in the spotlight. That’s normal. I’ve heard this from my honors’ students a dozen times before.”
  7312. >Eliza almost gets it, but not quite
  7313.  
  7314.  
  7315. “No, I’m fine with fame, especially if I can use it to accomplish something! It’s just that I don’t want hordes of people following me just to catch a glimpse of me. I went through that phase for a few days after my coronation. Everypony would point and whisper as I walked by, like I was some sort of novelty. I can’t even imagine how bad it would be if I was on television here.”
  7316. >You prop your head on the table with both forehooves
  7317. “And on top of that, my decisions could decide the fate of thousands, millions, maybe even billions of humans if we get attacked. How the hay does Celestia do it?”
  7318. >“She’s a strong woman. You can be strong too.”
  7319. “Yeah, but she’s had a more than a millennium of practice.”
  7320. >“You only need to be strong enough to not worry all the time. It won’t happen. I’m almost positive of that.”
  7321. >There’s a resounding *BuUUUrrP* from down the hall
  7322. “I need to go check what that is. Thanks for listening.”
  7323. >“It’s what I’m here for.”
  7324. >It really was good to get that load off your back
  7325. >All you can do is “cross your fingers” that this letter won’t put a new load on you
  7326.  
  7327.  
  7328. >You’re back in the living room before you know it
  7329. >Spike doesn’t notice you entering, or doesn’t acknowledge you if he did
  7330. >He’s too wrapped up in… uh…
  7331. >It looks like he’s making Banjo-Kazoo dodge snowballs being spat by a large dragon that’s swimming in a pool of ice
  7332. >What a strange game
  7333. >You prompt him to ‘pause’ his game and divert his attention to you by clearing your throat
  7334. >“Sorry, I didn’t realize you’d come back.”
  7335. >Why does he get wrapped up so much in these silly games?
  7336. >That’s a question for later
  7337. >Right now, you have business to attend to
  7338. “You got a letter just now?”
  7339. >Spike picks an unsealed scroll off of the couch and presents it to you
  7340. >“Yeah. It’s your brother’s apology.”
  7341. >It floats over to you lazily
  7342. “Thanks, Spike. I’ll let you know what it says.”
  7343. >“No need. I already skimmed it.”
  7344. >Oh, alright then
  7345. >You head down to your desk and lay it flat under a lamp
  7346. >This letter had better be good
  7347.  
  7348.  
  7349. Twilight,
  7350.  
  7351. I’m sorry. I truly am. It pains me to do this, but we’re talking about a military which considers guns with
  7352. a rate of fire a hundredfold faster than the Equestrian Army’s best musketeers to be slow. I can’t
  7353. pussyhoof around this and let you go back to your books like I used to. You need to learn about how
  7354. humans fight wars. I’m sorry if that was a little extreme, but you have to think about our reasoning.
  7355. You’re his family’s best chance. He’s too desperate to let you slip out of this, and I love you too much to
  7356. let you fail.
  7357.  
  7358. Deepest apologies,
  7359. Your brother
  7360.  
  7361.  
  7362. >Some good points, but completely misguided
  7363. >Maybe you should have been more specific in your “what was that for?” letter
  7364. >You flip the letter over
  7365. >Let’s see… your quill is always in this quadrant of the desk, but it must have gotten lost when Jake surprised you
  7366. >There it is
  7367. >You simultaneously uncork the inkpot and dip the quill’s tip inside with your magic
  7368.  
  7369.  
  7370.  
  7371. Shining,
  7372.  
  7373. I’m not upset that you’re concerned about me: quite the opposite. I’m upset that you thought that
  7374. would be necessary. I had been meaning to study human warfare simply because it’s so prevalent.
  7375. Granted, there were a lot of other things I needed or wanted to do instead of that. My mistake may –
  7376. emphasis on ‘may,’ as this isn’t definite – be endangering the good humans I’ve been living with for
  7377. months. Of course I’m going to study up now! There aren’t many other options that make sense!
  7378. Apology accepted, even though it wasn’t for the right thing.
  7379.  
  7380. Your little sister who still loves you, even when you’re being a bonehead,
  7381. ‘Twily’
  7382.  
  7383.  
  7384.  
  7385. >There
  7386. >That felt good
  7387. >You needed an outlet
  7388. >Just putting it on the paper was good enough
  7389. >You could write another one that isn’t as passionate if you had the time
  7390. >Sadly, you don’t
  7391. >The ‘DVD’ of a three hour movie is on your desk and you were given less than two hours to watch it
  7392. >Then again, a postscript wouldn’t take too long
  7393.  
  7394. P.S. Sorry if I’m being harsh. I’ve got a lot on my mind right now. Your next apology is accepted in
  7395. advance.
  7396.  
  7397. >Okay, NOW the letter is finished
  7398. >You telekinetically tap the ink out of the quill and re-cork the inkpot as you head upstairs with your reply
  7399. >Spike is still playing that video game
  7400. >This time, he hears you coming
  7401. >Spike ‘pauses’ before you even prompt him to and stands up to see you over the armrest
  7402. >“If it makes you feel any better, I told Jake that was a bad idea.”
  7403.  
  7404.  
  7405. >You hover the letter into the reach of his stubby claws
  7406. “You mean barging in on me dressed like a soldier?”
  7407. >“Yup.”
  7408. >He grabs the letter and sits back down
  7409. >His crest of spines is barely visible above the armrest
  7410. “He did keep saying he thought I’d turn him into a newt…”
  7411. >Spike doesn’t reply
  7412. >You can see his crest rotating from side to side
  7413. >Something tells you that you’ve lost his attention again
  7414. “Spike.”
  7415. >“Huh?”
  7416. “I’d like less reading and more sending, please.”
  7417. >“Oh! Uh, sorry.”
  7418. >The telltale rush of air from his flame breath sounds out briefly before he continues
  7419. >“It’s just that what you wrote reminded me of something.”
  7420. >From his video game, maybe?
  7421. “Anything I should know of?”
  7422. >Spike hops into view once more
  7423. >“Not to make it seem like you’re not having problems of your own, but Shining’s got a lot on his plate right now.”
  7424. >And he didn’t write to tell you?
  7425. >You’ve barely heard a peep out of your brother since last week
  7426. >Reading your confusion even faster than your letter, Spike answers the questions he raised
  7427. >“He did write to you. I, uh… I sent it back. You were having a bad time and I didn’t want it to get worse.”
  7428. >Spike is rubbing the back of his neck and avoiding eye contact
  7429.  
  7430.  
  7431. >Well, his heart was in the right place
  7432. “I don’t hold it against you.”
  7433. >“Oh, good!”
  7434. >His claws drop back to his sides as he regains the confidence to look you in the eye
  7435. >“I tried to think of what you’d do. Like, if Rarity sent you some bad news and I wasn’t in the mood to deal with it.”
  7436. >He points an accusatory claw your way
  7437. >“…You haven’t been sneaking her letters by me somehow, have you?”
  7438. “I haven’t cast a transpository enchantment since-”
  7439. >Actually, yes you have
  7440. >Spike lets you know he’s well aware of that by pantomiming a zipper closing over his mouth
  7441.  
  7442.  
  7443. “-a transpository enchantment for matter with significant mass since last year. Even if I had, you’d still be belching out flames every time I got a letter.”
  7444. >“Okay. I just haven’t heard from her in a while. I’m starting to get worried.”
  7445. “It’s probably just the order of coats she agreed to make. So, what did the letter you sent back to Shining Armor say?”
  7446. >“He was just complaining about how he’s overworked. There’s some green unicorn mare begging to get into the castle. She says she’s friends with the candymaker who got commissioned with Pinkie, but it’s pretty clear she just wants the inside scoop on humans.”
  7447. “That actually doesn’t sound so bad.”
  7448. >“It’s worse in context.”
  7449. >Spike starts counting off the points on his claws
  7450. >“Pinkie and the vanara are still on his nerves, and even though the guards keep finding changelings which are higher and higher in a hive’s authority structure, Celestia had him send almost a third of his guys to the Crystal Empire to look for somepony called Su-”
  7451. >He cuts himself off abruptly
  7452. >Just as abruptly, he turns off to the side and reaches out in the direction he’s looking
  7453. >There’s a small *Urrp* and burst of green flame as a well-used piece of paper shoots into his waiting claw
  7454. >He holds it out to you so you can take it with your magic
  7455. >You oblige
  7456. >It’s the same scroll you sent a moment ago
  7457. >There’s a new message in fresh ink just below the one you wrote
  7458.  
  7459.  
  7460. I guess I didn’t think that through. I’m so worried about you that I can barely think straight, but I can’t
  7461. come rescue you. Time will tell if this was actually worth studying. Until then, thank you for doing this
  7462. for me.
  7463.  
  7464. Apologies again,
  7465. Your brother, again
  7466.  
  7467.  
  7468. >Okay, good
  7469. >Shining didn’t take it personally
  7470. >It probably helped that you gave him the answer he wanted
  7471. >“That letter tasted familiar.”
  7472. “Shining recycled the paper just like I did. Given the speed of the reply, I’m guessing he did it just to get his re-apology thank you note to me faster.”
  7473. >You tuck said letter away under a wing
  7474. “So, who was it that Celestia ordered the guard to look for?”
  7475. >“Sunset Shimmer.”
  7476. >Her?
  7477. >That can’t be right
  7478. “You’re certain that was the name in the letter?”
  7479. >“Yep.”
  7480. “Completely certain?”
  7481. >“I used some of the memorization techniques you taught me. Even if it I got it wrong, I know it was something that started with ‘SS’ and rhymes with ‘what’s for dinner?’”
  7482. >Not bad
  7483. >He actually used mnemonics like you taught him to
  7484. >It just figures that one of them has something to do with food and the other has bad connotations
  7485.  
  7486.  
  7487. >Regardless, this is a troubling piece of news
  7488. >“Something wrong, Twilight?”
  7489. >Once again, he’s read your expressions
  7490. “You made the unfortunate choice to use ‘SS’ as a mnemonic device, and Sunset Shimmer’s not supposed to be around anymore.”
  7491. >“What’s so bad about ‘SS?’”
  7492. “I’ll tell you when you’re old enough to understand. Sunset Shimmer, though… I thought she was a hermit out in the wilderness, or something. No-one’s heard from her in over a decade.”
  7493. >Spike squints at you
  7494. >“So… she’s like Zecora?”
  7495. “Nothing like Zecora. Sunset Shimmer was the student Celestia had before me.”
  7496. >His squint almost completely reverses itself
  7497. >“Wait, what? What happened to her? Why would she be a hermit and not Celestia’s student?”
  7498. “I don’t know. Celestia told me a bit about her once. All she said was that there was some sort of falling-out between the two of them after Sunset Shimmer started disobeying rules Celestia set for her. Sunset Shimmer ran away after that, never to be seen again.”
  7499. >“Why didn’t I know about this if you heard it straight from Celestia?”
  7500. “You would have been too young to remember it. It seemed like a touchy subject for her, so I’ve never asked her about it since then. All the research I did independently gave even less information than I got from Celestia. Sunset is practically a ghost.”
  7501.  
  7502.  
  7503. >“But now she’s back.”
  7504. “Possibly. I don’t know what that might mean, but something tells me it won’t be good.”
  7505. >Spike strokes his chin, but doesn’t break eye contact
  7506. >“I dunno. She might just be coming back to make nice with Celestia aga- *UUUURRRRRpppp*”
  7507. >He barely manages to tilt his head back in time
  7508. >You shut your eyes and duck away from the wave of heat blasting out of the flames above you
  7509. >Once the roar of the fire stops, you open an eye
  7510. >Spike is leaning over the arm rest with a bashful expression on his face
  7511. >“Uh… excuse me.”
  7512. >His eyes dart off to the side for a moment
  7513. >You follow his line of sight as you stand up again
  7514. >…straight to a scroll with a royal seal, sitting on the floor
  7515. >Ooh, this is probably important!
  7516. “You’re very excused! Let’s see what Celestia has to say.”
  7517. >Magic envelops the letter as you turn parallel to the couch, levitating the scroll into a position where Spike can read it with you
  7518.  
  7519.  
  7520. My faithful student,
  7521.  
  7522. I read over your brother’s letter before sending it. I’m glad to hear that you see the prudence of
  7523. cooperating with Jake Addams. However, you are to refrain from sending reports or referring to your
  7524. progress in the studies of human warfare whenever possible. Shining Armor is already under orders to
  7525. keep all letters that provide information on this topic under lock and key. I’m sure you understand why.
  7526.  
  7527. I have the utmost confidence in you. You’ve been in life-threatening situations with alarming frequency.
  7528. I should hope the strange magical properties of Earth will not be a significant hindrance to a magician of
  7529. your caliber in this one. I don’t expect a report on these properties, but I would accept one.
  7530.  
  7531. Best wishes,
  7532. Princess Celestia
  7533.  
  7534.  
  7535. >Oh
  7536. >Celestia’s starting to get impatient
  7537. >She doesn’t expect a report, but clearly she wants one
  7538. >“Y’know, she has a point.”
  7539. >Spike is staring at you instead of the letter
  7540. >You meet his gaze
  7541. >“I mean, there was that one time with the hydra, and that other time with the dragon, and then the other time with the bunch of younger dragons, and Shining’s wedding, and the Crystal Heart, and all the times with the Elements of-”
  7542. >Elements of Harmony, which you’d rather he not go into detail about
  7543. “I get the point. You’re forgetting the time with the cockatrice, however.”
  7544. >“That one doesn’t count. You said yourself that he caught you off guard.”
  7545. >Darn it, Spike probably told Jake about all your dangerous escapades except that one
  7546. “Yeah, maybe. I’m still not the right mare for the job.”
  7547. >Spike jabs a claw in your general direction
  7548. >“Yes you are. You’ve been on dangerous adventures at least three times a year for the last few years.”
  7549. “Not one like this. This could be war.”
  7550.  
  7551.  
  7552.  
  7553. #IRCAddamsLocal
  7554. Server time 6/10/2013, 12:08
  7555.  
  7556. 12:08:32@ElizaLaptop: Have you already had lunch?
  7557. 12:08:33@Basement: No, why?
  7558. 12:08:50@Elizalaptop: I was going to make a fruit smoothie to have with mine. Do you want one?
  7559. 12:08:54@Basement: No thanks. I think it’s best if I skip lunch today.
  7560. 12:09:04@ElizaLaptop: Is something wrong?
  7561. 12:09:06@Basement: No, it’s just Jake is having me watch ‘Gladiator’ without him. It’s not very conducive to keeping a meal in my stomach.
  7562. 12:09:16@ElizaLaptop: You could just stop watching it.
  7563. 12:09:18@Basement: I could, but he probably thinks I won’t watch this movie voluntarily. Proving him wrong might make him less irrational.
  7564. 12:09:32@ElizaLaptop: I hope it works. It sounds like it could backfire.
  7565. 12:09:49@ElizaLaptop: I’ll make another smoothie for you and leave it in the fridge.
  7566. 12:09:51@Basement: Thanks.
  7567. 14:07:11@Basement: Where are Jon and Jake? Shouldn’t they be back by now?
  7568. 14:07:53@ElizaLaptop: I don’t know.
  7569. 14:07:54@Basement: I’m worried. Jake said it would only take about two hours.
  7570. 14:08:14@ElizaLaptop: I’ll call them up and see how long it should be until they’re done.
  7571. 14:08:18@Basement: Oh yeah. I forgot you could do that.
  7572.  
  7573.  
  7574. 14:08:52@Basement: Nevermind. They’re fine.
  7575. 14:09:41@ElizaLaptop: I was about to tell you that.
  7576. 14:09:45@Basement: I heard you talking on the phone. You wouldn’t be talking to them if they weren’t okay, right?
  7577. 14:09:55@ElizaLaptop: They should be back in about half an hour.
  7578. 14:10:03@Basement: Of course. I’m kind of distracted by the movie right now. They keep talking about missing their home and such.
  7579. 14:44:12@JonNetbook has signed on
  7580. 14:44:13@Basement: Is that a new computer?
  7581. 14:44:38@JonNetbook: No, I’ve had it for a while. I don’t usually use it unless I’m traveling, though.
  7582. 14:44:39@Basement: Ah. Where’s Jake?
  7583. 14:44:42@Basement: Why do I hear the car leaving again?
  7584. 14:45:00@JonNetbook: He’s going to MicroCenter to get my desktop repaired.
  7585. 14:45:02@Basement: Darn it. I need to talk to him.
  7586. 14:45:27@JonNetbook: Is this about that -.-. .-. .- --.. -.-- / .--. .-.. .- -. ..--..
  7587. 14:45:30@Basement: I already told him I thought it was crazy. You don’t need to use Morse code. I want to talk to him about why I don’t like his “plan.”
  7588. 14:45:43@JonNetbook: He thinks we’re the ‘perfect team’ or something like that.
  7589. 14:45:58@JonNetbook: Just because I’m fluent in French and I used a .22 training rifle once back when I was an Eagle Scout doesn’t mean I’m ready for this. I couldn’t use those skills this way even if I wanted to!
  7590.  
  7591.  
  7592. 14:45:59@Basement: I know the feeling.
  7593. 14:46:13@JonNetbook: I can only imagine how bad it was for you. I saw him going downstairs dressed like a soldier.
  7594. 14:46:15 @Basement: You don’t need to imagine. He spooked me, goaded me into punching him in the mouth, and then thanked me when I did. I’m not sure whether I knocked something loose or it was loose to begin with.
  7595. 14:51:26@JonNetbook: .. - / .-- .- ... / .-.. --- --- ... . .-.-.- / .-- .... . -. / .--- .- .- / .-- .- ... / ...- . .-. -.-- / -.-- --- ..- -. --. / .-- . / .-- . -. - / - --- / .--. .-.. .- -.-- --. -. -.. .-.-.- / .--- .- .- / .... .- -.. / -- . / .-. .. -.. . / .-. --- -.-. -.- .. -. --. / .... --- .-. ... . / - .... . .-. . .-.-.- / .-- .- ... / - --- --- / ... -- .- .-.. .-.. .-.-.- / ..-. . .-.. .-.. / --- ..-. ..-. / .- -. -.. / ... -.-. .-. .- .--. . -.. / -- -.-- / ..-. --- .-. . .... . .- -.. .-.-.- / .. -. -.-. .-. . -.. .. -... .-.. -.-- / .--. .- .. -. ..-. ..- .-.. .-.-.- / -... -.-
  7596.  
  7597.  
  7598. 14:57:26@JonNetbook: .... .- -.. / - --- / ... .--. . -. -.. / .-- .... --- .-.. . / -.. .- -.-- / --. . - - .. -. --. / -.. .. .-. - / --- ..- - / --- ..-. / ... -.- .. -. / .-- .. -.. / .-. ..- -... -... .. -. --. / .- .-.. -.-. --- .... --- .-.. .-.-.- / .--- .- .- / .... .- -.. / -... . . -. / .-- .- - -.-. .... .. -. --. / - --- -- / . ... / .--- . .-. .-. -.-- / - --- --- -. ... / . .- .-. .-.. .. . .-. --..-- / .-.. .- ..- --. .... . -.. / .- - / -- . / .-- .... . -. / .. / ..-. . .-.. .-.. .-.-.- / --. --- - / ... --- / .- -. --. .-. -.-- / - .... .- - / .. / .... .. - / .... .. -- .-.-.- / -... .-.. .- -- . / -- -.-- ... . .-.. ..-. / ..-. --- .-. / .... .. -- / - ..- .-. -. .. -. --. / --- ..- - / - .... .. ... / .-- .- -.-- .-.-.- / -.-
  7599. 14:59:37@Basement: ..- / .... .. - / .... .. -- ..--.. / -… -.-
  7600. 15:00: 25@Basement: ..- -. ... ..- .-. . / .. ..-. / .. / ... .... --- ..- .-.. -.. / ... -.-- -- .--. .- - .... .. --.. . / .-- .. - .... /..- / --- .-. / .... .. -- .-.-.- / -.-
  7601. 15:03:11@JonNetbook: ..- .--. / ..--- / ..- .-.-.- / ..-. -... / .. ..-. / ..- / .--. .. -.-. -.- / .--- .- .- .-.-.- / -... - ..-
  7602. 15:04:40@Basement: .. .----. -.. / -... . / -- .- -.. / - --- --- --..-- / .--- ..- ... - / .-- .. ... .... / ..- / ... .... --- .-- . -.. / -- --- .-. . / .-. . ... - .-. .- .. -. - .-.-.- / -. --- / .--. --- .. -. - / -.. .-- . .-.. .-.. .. -. --. / --- -. / .. - .-.-.- / -.-
  7603.  
  7604.  
  7605. 15:04:42@Basement: Was this the only time this happened?
  7606. 15:04:51@JonNetbook: Yes. I blame the cartoons just as much as myself.
  7607. 15:04:53@Basement: I think I won’t let Spike watch any Looney Tunes, then. His videogame is enough of a bad influence.
  7608. 15:30:04@Basement: Well, I managed to finish Gladiator. I don’t understand the climax.
  7609. 15:31:01@ElizaLaptop: What happened? I don’t think I’ve seen that one before.
  7610. 15:31:05@Basement: The falsely disgraced general-turned-gladiator kills the Caesar in a one on one arena fight. For one thing, the Caesar was real but his death was fictionalized in the movie. For another, the general is wearing black and the emperor is wearing white. The one in white is always supposed to win.
  7611. 15:31:10@Basement: Also, the hallucinations made it hard to keep track of what was going on. Was he poisoned or was it just blood loss? Was he supposed to be getting glimpses of his afterlife? Was it a flashback to his home? I don’t understand. I get that he wanted nothing more than to go home this whole time. It was easier than I expected to sympathize with him, but darn if I don’t have a lot of questions.
  7612. 15:31:15@Basement: Actually, that reminds me of a question I think you can answer. I figure I’d better ask it while I have the chance. Why do faiths tend to assume there is no afterlife except the one in their specific religion’s texts? How can anyone know which is the real one, if any? What if more than one is real?
  7613.  
  7614.  
  7615. 15:31:32@Basement: If there are multiple afterlives, then what happens to a soul? Most religions prohibit worship in separate religions. Even if someone is totally pious to one faith, they’re still a heretic in hundreds of others. Does a soul get split into pieces so it can go to all the appropriate afterlives? What is a soul to begin with?
  7616. 15:31:49@ElizaLaptop: I have no idea.
  7617. 15:31:52@Basement: Neither do I. I’m not sure there was enough thought put into most of these religions. Buddhism is the only one I know of that doesn’t fall into this logic trap.
  7618. 15:32:11@ElizaLaptop: I don’t think that afterlives are the driving purpose of religions.
  7619. 15:32:13@Basement: They certainly seem to be the central focus of most of them. Again, sorry if I’m saying something offensive. I just don’t understand this cultural phenomenon.
  7620. 15:32:56@ElizaLaptop: Maybe it’s because you’re used to seeing miraculous things happen, like your own magic. Could we talk about this later? I’ve had a long day.
  7621. 15:33:00@Basement: I hadn’t considered humanity’s lack of magic as the reason it might be such a big deal to your species. Sorry if I was bothering you.
  7622. 15:33:16@ElizaLaptop: You weren’t. I like answering your questions. I’m just too tired to answer more of them right now.
  7623. 16:04:48@JakeDesktop has signed on
  7624.  
  7625.  
  7626. 16:04:58@JakeDesktop: Is there a reason I can’t open the basement door?
  7627. 16:05:00@Basement: Magic.
  7628. 16:05:18@JakeDesktop: You don’t say. I got some things that you might want to open up for.
  7629. 16:05:19@Basement: Such as?
  7630. 16:05:43@JakeDesktop: I got some 2gb RAM sticks and a graphics card for your computer. They’re yours if you can prove you watched at least part of Gladiator.
  7631. 16:05:42@Basement: I was going to say I forgive you, but now it’s going to sound disingenuous.
  7632. 16:05:50@JakeDesktop: You were?
  7633. 16:05:51@Basement: On one condition: never scare me like that again. Regardless of what you were trying to do, that was completely unnecessary.
  7634. 16:06:01@JakeDesktop: Wasn’t planning on it.
  7635. 16:06:03@Basement: One moment. I’m writing a synopsis.
  7636.  
  7637.  
  7638. 16:06:27@Basement: Maximus, a fictional general of the Roman Empire, is leading a campaign against Germanic barbarians. Prior to the opening battle of the film, he rubs dirt on his hands and gives his subordinates a speech about how they will either go home or go to Elysium. One of the barbarians shouts something about hounds, I think, and another keeps attacking even though he’s on fire. After the battle and a sacrifice to the gods, Maximus is framed for the murder of Caesar Marcus Aurelius. The Caesar’s son, Commodus, wanted to secure his ascension to the throne by eliminating the person his father was going to nominate and force succession at the same time. Maximus escapes his execution and flees to his home in Spain, where he finds his family slaughtered by forces loyal to Commodus. As a side note, Maximus’ son’s death is ironically by being trampled by a horse. He said his son was teased by wild ponies and wanted to be one. I personally thought that was weird. The general collapses and wakes up to find he’s been captured by slavers. He’s transported to Zucchabar, where he is sold along with a Namibian to a professional slaver named Proximo.
  7639. 16:06:28@Basement: Shall I continue?
  7640. 16:07:13@JakeDesktop: Tell me at least three details about what happens in Zucchabar.
  7641.  
  7642.  
  7643. 16:07:20@Basement: Maximus rubs off his “SPQR” tattoo as a symbolic gesture, he decapitates a gladiator wearing a helmet shaped like a boar’s head using a pair of swords, I felt like vomiting several times, and one of the gladiators in the initial arena fight wets himself in a scene which reminded me of the boats in the beginning of Saving Private Ryan. I feel very emotionally drained and confused.
  7644. 16:07:46@JakeDesktop: Good. I’ll install the new components for you. What are you confused about?
  7645. 16:07:47@Basement: What happens to Juba and the other slaves at the end?
  7646. 16:07:56@JakeDesktop: Juba? As in The Baghdad Snipers? This movie’s from years before that.
  7647. 16:07:57@Basement: I don’t know who you’re talking about. Juba is the Namibian.
  7648. 16:08:14@JakeDesktop: When do they say his name?
  7649. 16:08:15@Basement: Wait, did you make me watch the movie before you did?
  7650. 16:08:39@JakeDesktop: I watched up until the part where Proximo talks about how he met Marcus Aurelius. I’ll see the rest later.
  7651. 16:08:40@Basement: We could have watched it together!
  7652. 16:08:51@JakeDesktop: Sorry.
  7653. 16:08:52@Basement: You’re forgiven, but dang it, Jake. I thought we were going to watch all the movies together.
  7654. 16:08:58@Basement: Oh, and I did some measurements on that bolt I accidentally threw at you. It wasn’t going supersonic. It just hit the post very loudly. Your ears would still be ringing if I’d somehow managed to throw it that fast.
  7655.  
  7656.  
  7657. 16:09:23@Basement: Your jacket is still down here, by the way.
  7658. 16:09:28@JakeDesktop: Keep it.
  7659. 16:09:30@Basement: Do I get to keep it if we don’t ever have to use it as camouflage? Would it even make a difference if and when I do need it? This plan of yours is far-fetched, to put it lightly.
  7660. 16:09:41@JakeDesktop: You’re on our side. It’s not a lost cause so long as you don’t give up on us.
  7661. 16:09:45@Basement: It’s still ridiculous. We’re outnumbered, outgunned, and we’d be walking for an absurdly long time. I also did some research on Canada’s current Prime Minister. There’s a decent chance he’d just extradite us.
  7662. 16:09:56@JakeDesktop: That’s why we’re going to Quebec and not Ontario. The Quebecois might not cooperate with him.
  7663. 16:09:57@Basement: I still think this plan is the dumbest thing I’ve ever agreed to go along with.
  7664. 16:10:06@JakeDesktop: You still agreed to it.
  7665. 16:10:10@Basement: Because I was panicked, Celestia approved of it for some reason, and the alternatives aren’t appealing either. The Princess must not have been making an informed decision if she gave you her blessing.
  7666. 16:10:24@JakeDesktop: Celestia was even more hesitant to go along with this than you were. She wouldn’t say yes until I’d made a huge flowchart of every decision we’d make.
  7667. 16:10:25@Basement: I’m not surprised by that.
  7668. 16:10:37@JakeDesktop: I’ll print out a copy for you.
  7669. 16:10:38@Basement: Slide it under the door once it’s ready.
  7670.  
  7671.  
  7672. 16:14:02@Basement: A lot of these branches are marked “If we’re lucky,” especially the numerous ones which involve me. Is this what it’s coming down to? Luck?
  7673. 16:14:14@JakeDesktop: At least partly. The US DoD has flaws we can exploit to improve our chances.
  7674. 16:14:02@Basement: Such as?
  7675. 16:14:38@JakeDesktop: Don’t even get me started. Most of its forces are overseas, its personnel are above average at best and literally retarded at worst, and it’s been plagued by price-gouging suppliers and horribly expensive R&D projects that barely accomplish their goals or get scrapped entirely.
  7676. 16:14:39@Basement: What’s your evidence?
  7677. 16:15:27@JakeDesktop: F35, F22, V22, the Stryker vehicles, LCS, OICW, EFV, the various phases of FCS/Land Warrior/Nett Warrior/just buy smartphones for them... that’s just off the top of my head. I could write a thesis on how few of its goals the US military has met in the last 25 years. Their ‘invention of the year’ for 2012 was a few no-brainer modifications to a gun they’ve used since WW1.
  7678. 16:15:28@Basement: Am I expected to know what those are?
  7679. 16:15:42@JakeDesktop: Not yet. That’s just a laundry list. Look up ACU pattern camouflage. You should be able to understand that one.
  7680.  
  7681.  
  7682. 16:16:21@JakeDesktop: The Government Accountability Office’s best guess for why that pattern replaced the old one is ‘because we thought it looked cool.’ The US military’s top brass is so wrapped up in its own hubris and ham-fisted PR campaigns that I almost feel bad laughing at them.
  7683. 16:16:34@Basement: That camouflage pattern is mediocre, but my point stands.
  7684. 16:16:59@JakeDesktop: A goddamn contractor just perpetrated the biggest intelligence leak in the nation’s history. Don’t get me wrong, they’re not incompetent, but they can be pretty stupid in some predictable ways.
  7685. 16:17:03@Basement: Still not convinced.
  7686. 16:17:10@JakeDesktop: You’re being such a pessimist right now.
  7687. 16:17:12@Basement: Truer words are seldom spoken; there’s a lot to be pessimistic about.
  7688. 16:17:40@JakeDesktop: That’s not a bad thing. We need to think of how things might go wrong, and how we’ll keep that from happening or mitigate the effects.
  7689. 16:17:45@Basement: All right then, let’s put my pessimism to use. I’m not clear on some of the things at the beginning of this flowchart. What happens if the block party doesn’t work as a deterrent and we get raided?
  7690. 16:18:11@JakeDesktop: The only way I see it failing is if they wait until all the guests have left. Then it’s just a case of making enough noise to wake the neighbors up again, and they fail at having a witnessless disappearance.
  7691. 16:18:12@Basement: And if it’s during the party?
  7692.  
  7693.  
  7694. 16:18:49@JakeDesktop: Save who we can, which shouldn’t be too hard. I doubt they’d use lethal force on a huge group of civilians. Even the most deniable of black ops don’t go that black. People who are psychopathic enough to do that AND have the discipline required by military life aren’t exactly common. They simply wouldn’t have enough people to pull it off.
  7695. 16:18:50@Basement: I’m not sure about that. Human weapons are very lethal.
  7696. 16:19:02@JakeDesktop: Do you know exactly how lethal?
  7697. 16:19:05@Basement: Not yet.
  7698. 16:19:11@JakeDesktop: Do you know the difference between a magazine and a clip?
  7699. 16:19:16@Basement: A clip is a small, inflexible piece of metal that serves no mechanical purpose other than to hold cartridges together prior to loading into a magazine or other loading device. A magazine is a box-like container for cartridges which uses a spring and follower plate to push cartridges one by one into the firing mechanism of a gun. Magazines may be integral to or detachable from their host weapon.
  7700. 16:19:29@JakeDesktop: Is that the only thing you looked up?
  7701. 16:19:30@Basement: That movie took up most of my afternoon.
  7702. 16:19:37@JakeDesktop: What about the commanding rule of threes? Do you know that?
  7703. 16:19:39@Basement: Can’t say that I know yet.
  7704. 16:19:46@JakeDesktop: Seriously? Your brother follows that rule with his lieutenants.
  7705. 16:19:47@Basement: I never really discuss his work with him.
  7706.  
  7707.  
  7708. 16:20:01@JakeDesktop: It’s worse than I thought. You need a full-immersion course in war. Combat 101, lesson one: not freaking out when people get hurt, because that’s pretty common in war. We’re already partway through this lesson, but here’s an old Red Cross training film that’s not makeup and special effects. http://www.liveleak.com/view?i=d11_1280687545
  7709. 16:21:12@JakeDesktop: Watching the video? Good. The only way to get used to it is through exposure. Just try not to research this subject too much each day. If we haven’t attracted surveillance already, I don’t want to risk attracting any. We need to make it look as if everything is normal.
  7710. 16:21:23@Basement: I can only handle so much of this per day. I think I’m well past my limit by now, and I’d prefer not having to skip dinner.
  7711. 16:21:40@JakeDesktop: I won’t make you keep going if you don’t want to right now.
  7712. 16:21:42@Basement: Thank you.
  7713. 16:21:58@JakeDesktop: You should still need to build up a tolerance for this stuff. BestGore.com might be better than the movies and stuff if video is too much for you.
  7714.  
  7715.  
  7716. 16:22:03@Basement: Maybe later. Right now I just want to listen to The Beatles and unwind.
  7717. 16:22:12@JonNetbook: I’ve got some old LPs of theirs lying around. I could digitize them for you if you’d like.
  7718. 16:22:14@Basement: Ooh, yes please! It would save me so much time compared to searching for their songs by title. Actually, that reminds me. What is ‘I am the Walrus’ about? I just listened to it again and I still don’t get it.
  7719. 16:22:39@JonNetbook: They wanted to poke fun at the “Paul Is Dead” theorists who looked too deeply into their songs. Listen closely and you’ll hear that they sampled a BBC broadcast of King Lear simply because it was on the radio when they were recording.
  7720. 16:22:41@Basement: “O untimely death!” Act IV, scene VI. I didn’t catch that the first time through. Thanks.
  7721. 16:22:43@JakeDesktop: I’ve got something else for you, too. I think you might like it.
  7722. 16:22:44@Basement: What is it?
  7723. 16:22:51@JakeDesktop: Hold on, let me write it down and slip it to you.
  7724. 16:23:21@JakeDesktop: That’s my old Minecraft.net login info. I don’t play it much anymore, so you can have it.
  7725.  
  7726.  
  7727. 16:23:38@Basement: From what I can gather, this is some sort of video game. Thanks but no thanks.
  7728. 16:23:41@JakeDesktop: Why?
  7729. 16:23:42@Basement: Even the children’s’ video games are about destruction. I’m not interested.
  7730. 16:24:05@JakeDesktop: That’s exactly the opposite of the point of this game. It’s about building stuff.
  7731. 16:24:08@Basement: It is?
  7732. 16:24:42@JakeDesktop: It generates a voxel-based world based on whatever text you feed it. Try using your name for a super-personalized experience. Once the world generates, you can mine and craft ad nauseum. I personally recommend you play ‘survival’ mode.
  7733. 16:24:44@Basement: Maybe when I’m exceptionally bored.
  7734. 16:24:55@JakeDesktop: If you’re feeling stressed, try loading it up so you can burn down a forest and replant it.
  7735. 16:25:10@Basement: Okay then.
  7736. 16:25:28@JakeDesktop: Combat 102: morale is important. Whichever side of a conflict believes it will lose is correct, regardless of the facts.
  7737. 16:30:01@ElizaLaptop: Jakob Aleksandir Addams, why do you know these things? That ‘best gore’ website is one of the sleaziest things I’ve ever seen!
  7738. 16:30:17@JakeDesktop: We’re all adults here. The world is harsh and I want to be ready for the worst it can throw at me, especially if it might be thrown at me soon.
  7739. 16:30:29@ElizaLaptop: Just get in the kitchen. We need to talk.
  7740. 16:30:31@Basement: Eliza, Jake, please don’t argue! You both want to help me and you’re both in the right. You’re just trying to help in different ways.
  7741.  
  7742.  
  7743.  
  7744. (Author's note: Goddamn, that took way longer than it was supposed to.)(and another note: WELP. The PiE threads had to merge with AiE due to lack of activity, which was partially due to my horribly infrequent updates. They're now a part of the AiE threads. Follow those for updates.)(Note again: Nevermind, PiE is back.)
  7745.  
  7746.  
  7747.  
  7748. Part 9
  7749.  
  7750. >Friday, June 14, 2013, a little after 11pm
  7751. >Year 22 and ‘Defense Condition 4’ on Earth
  7752. >You are Jake Addams
  7753. >Things were only beginning to get crazy when Twilight started demanding ear-scratchies, bellyrubs, hugs, and whatever else those may be leading to
  7754. >The stunt you pulled at Shining Armor’s suggestion doesn’t seem to have deterred her one bit
  7755. >You’re going through a bit of a rough patch, but she never stops coming to you for those
  7756. >Getting back into doing magic testing with her might help, but she refuses every time you suggest it
  7757. >Speaking of Shining, he’s still a massive nerd
  7758. >The guy’s eating up pretty much whatever you send him about humanity and warfare
  7759. >Not to mention the stuff about tabletop games
  7760. >An MLP comic about his nerdy teen years which was announced just after you learned firsthand that he’s a massive nerd
  7761. >Which one caused the other?
  7762. >Do they have anything to do with eachother at all?
  7763. >If they do, you might be able to find a way to update the web filter for stuff from season 4 before it airs
  7764. >If anyone cares about season 4
  7765. >The fandom may well be collapsing for real this time
  7766. >Flash Sentry is the true name of ‘Brad,’ and he exists on both sides of the Equestria Girls portal
  7767. >The name is from leaks posted on /mlp/, but a pony that looks just like him was shown in the most recent trailer
  7768. >He’s all but confirmed to have a romantic relationship with Twilight
  7769. >The movie itself hits theaters tomorrow
  7770.  
  7771.  
  7772. >That would be in addition to the people forswearing MLP after the underwhelming third season and its controversial finale
  7773. >And in addition to that, the janitors of /mlp/ took Lauren Faust’s visit as a cue to clean up the supposedly worksafe board
  7774. >Posting about fan character Milky Way, the Milkmare of Trottingham, was named specifically as something which would be banned on sight
  7775. >No crotchboobs, no butts, and no fluffy pony abuse threads
  7776. >Good riddance to those obnoxious fluffy ponies, but everything else?
  7777. >This is gutting a cultural center of the fandom at the worst possible time
  7778. >To be fair, Milky Way’s essentially a pair of tits slapped onto a pony in the anatomically correct location and butts will always be butts
  7779. >On the polar opposite side of the fandom, Equestria Daily is going through a controversy after it published an article about the new phenomenon of half-human ‘satyr’ OCs
  7780. >It got flamed by people who hate the mythological concept of satyrs as rape-beasts the moment it was posted
  7781. >Completely regardless of the fact that none of the pony-satyrs have been portrayed doing that sort of thing
  7782. >So yeah, they “Love and Tolerate” the satyrs
  7783. >That saying may have started as a joke, but those were supposed to be the people who take it seriously
  7784. >Equestria Girls’ impending release is driving everyone mad
  7785.  
  7786.  
  7787. >Even the artists aren’t exempt from that
  7788. >Derpibooru’s nearing 100 images that are tagged ‘Rarity fighting a giant crab’
  7789. >That’s exactly what it sounds like
  7790. >There’s also a new OC, Wheely Bopper, which is a Rainbow Dash recolor with wheels instead of legs
  7791. >Honk honk
  7792. >Meanwhile at E3, everyone had a decent show
  7793. >Almost everyone
  7794. >Nintendo put out another Animal Crossing game, declared this to be the Year of Luigi, and announced a new Smash Bros. with Megaman, the Wii Fit trainer, Samus in high heels, and Animal Crossing villager confirmed for playable characters
  7795. >That little villager fuck looks like a psycho
  7796. >EA demoed the next Battlefield game and announced they’re digging the Star Wars: Battlefront franchise out of its early grave
  7797. >All of the yes in the world is not enough for that announcement
  7798. >Ubisoft’s hyping up a new Assassin’s Creed game with pirates and showed gameplay of some new open world hacking/driving/shooting IP
  7799. >Might be cool
  7800. >Sony didn’t have much to show now that Metal Gear Solid 5 isn’t a system exclusive
  7801. >There’s the new Playstation, sure, but taking David Hayter out of the role of Solid Snake is like someone other than Michael Ironside playing the voice of Sam Fisher or an Arkham game without Kevin Conroy as Batman (which are also things that are happening)
  7802.  
  7803.  
  7804. >Sony still had a better show than Microsoft
  7805. >Microsoft is STILL trying to do damage control from the Xbox One announcement this spring
  7806. >Another Halo by a non-Bungie studio and ‘Call of Duty: Now with Playable Dogs’ edition didn’t make their draconian DRM, Kinect-mandatory console/CCTV system any more appealing
  7807. >Oh, and the NSA was monitoring EVERYTHING, so there’s no knowing if you’ve already compromised yourself without Twilight’s help
  7808. >There is one upside to that
  7809. >If you do get attacked, and escape to Canada safely, and Equestria Girls turns out to be the straw which breaks the fandom’s back, then there will be a lot less people who care that she’s flirting with you
  7810. >Every dark cloud has a silver lining
  7811. >Can’t act like anything is off if you’re going to seem normal to the casual observer
  7812. >The NSA is a casual observer, as far as you’re concerned
  7813. >They either know or they don’t, and if you act like you know that they know then they’ll definitely know
  7814. >Going out and buying some actual guns for the first time in your life would be way too suspicious
  7815. >What you’re stuck with is ‘take slambangs, go inna woods’
  7816. >Simonovs or Mosin-Nagants would have been more appropriate
  7817. >Getting a license and buying a gun for yourself, one for your dad, and one for your mother would have drawn attention for sure
  7818.  
  7819.  
  7820. >That’s not to mention the price
  7821. >You’ve already bought something like 300 dollars’ worth of computer equipment for Twilight
  7822. >It would cost AT LEAST three times as much as that to get moist nuggets for everyone
  7823. >Besides, there’s a run on ammunition
  7824. >All the apocalypse preppers are replenishing their stocks for World War III… again
  7825. >Granted, you might be sitting on the couch with reason it happens
  7826. >Twilight is right: if you get attacked, and you have to run off to Canada, and you elude the manhunt well enough to get Twilight across the border, and you’re not extradited, then there is a chance that the politics surrounding the whole event would be pretty tense
  7827. >Snowden’s untouchable because he’s in China
  7828. >The US government knows what would happen if they agitate another superpower
  7829. >There are hundreds of analysts debating whether China’s new naval doctrines and anti-ship missiles would make America’s Nimitz carrier groups ineffective
  7830. >You, on the other hand, have Canada
  7831. >Nobody pays attention to Canada unless they riot over losing the Stanley Cup to the Boston Bruins
  7832. >Here’s how you think it would go
  7833. >The Canadians would either start wearing those “Roots” Canadian flag shirts and push back or hold open the door for the US and apologize repeatedly
  7834. >It could go either way
  7835.  
  7836.  
  7837. >Both outcomes would be the same
  7838. >You’re tried for treason and Twilight ends up doing tests all day, possibly against her will, and might get separated from Spike
  7839. >That presumes that the US has the stones to attack innocent little Canada in the first place
  7840. >If the US government were so desperate to get their hands on Twilight that they’d launch a military operation on their own soil and then invade their next-door neighbor/close ally, then holy shit do they deserve what happens next
  7841. >Obama is too intelligent a man to let that happen
  7842. >He’d be forced to negotiate, and by then there would be so much media attention that he’d have to act like a saint
  7843. >The only disadvantage you have in this situation is that you’d have to spring the big secret on Twilight after teaching her how to kill everything
  7844. >That might go badly, but there’s a mitigating factor to that as well
  7845. >By the time you’ve taught her how to kill everything, she’ll have the mental resilience to take it
  7846. >Or at least that’s the plan
  7847. >You wanted to take Twilight’s war-ginity with something she might like, but the hell with that
  7848. >What you want and what you need are two different things
  7849. >You want to see her smile again
  7850. >You need to get her ready for the worst outcome to her little escapade
  7851.  
  7852.  
  7853. >To her credit, she’s actually going along with it
  7854. >Not entirely willingly
  7855. >Not entirely unwillingly, either
  7856. >She protests whenever she gets the chance and hasn’t done anything more than look up what different things are called, but she’s taking the initiative in a few places
  7857. >“Jon was right. This movie is just silly.”
  7858. >You turn your head to the right
  7859. >The TV screen is barely illuminating the living room
  7860. >Twilight is only just visible on the couch next to you
  7861. “In what sense?”
  7862. >“In that as soon as I think about any of it, I can’t suspend my disbelief anymore. Especially The Force, which is beyond hokey. Is Luke supposed to be hearing Obi Wan’s ghost talk to him?”
  7863. “Pretty much.”
  7864. >Twilight shoots you a sideways glance of incredulousness
  7865. >She holds it for a split second, then slumps back into her seat
  7866. >“And here I was thinking there wouldn’t be anything sillier than humans’ concept of magic.”
  7867. >“All wings, report in.”
  7868. >She took the initiative tonight
  7869. >“Red Ten, standing by.”
  7870. >Tonight was Twilight’s turn to pick the movie
  7871. >“Red Seven, standing by.”
  7872. >She picked Star Wars
  7873. >“Red Six, standing by.”
  7874. >You had trouble convincing her to watch the episodes out of order
  7875. >“Red Three, standing by.”
  7876. >She came around when you told her it would be in the order they were released
  7877.  
  7878.  
  7879. >Twilight’s still griping about stuff that doesn’t make sense, so you’ve had to politely remind her of the genre a few times now
  7880. “You shouldn’t be taking it so seriously. Science fiction is pretty much the same as fantasy, but with fictional science.”
  7881. >“That’s only half of what bugs me. There’s plenty of stuff that could be explained within real science that doesn’t make sense.”
  7882. “Are you still trying to figure out if Tatooine could have a stable orbit?”
  7883. >“Red Eleven, standing by.”
  7884. >Twilight gags and sticks her tongue out at the memory
  7885. >“Blech. I lost that train of thought when Owen and Beru’s charred bodies were shown.”
  7886. >“Red Two, standing by.”
  7887. >She gestures toward the screen with a hoof
  7888. >“Right now I’m back to how the spacecraft are defying physics. What was pushing on them to make them turn like that?”
  7889. >“Red Five, standing by.”
  7890. “I already said I don’t know. Maybe they don’t turn the repulsors off?”
  7891. >“Well that goes back to the question of how those work, and-”
  7892. >“Lock S-Foils in attack position.”
  7893. >Twilight puts a hoof up to silence your anticipated reply and leans forward in her seat
  7894. >Whatever attention she was paying to you is now long gone
  7895.  
  7896.  
  7897. >Despite all the griping, she seems to be enjoying the movie
  7898. >The griping usually doesn’t happen until after the credits roll, when you can actually talk to her about the movie without the movie interrupting
  7899. >Of course, you’ve seen Star Wars something like five times already
  7900. >Since you wouldn’t be missing anything, Twilight is voicing her mind whenever there isn’t something important going on
  7901. >Her reactions are almost more interesting than the movie
  7902. >Usually it’s just inconsequential comments or muttering about Pinkie Pie
  7903. >Other times, it’s actually a good topic of conversation
  7904. >You actually had to pause the movie for a debate about whether Han would be morally right to shoot first
  7905. >Even the Dalai Lama quote about how it’s reasonable to shoot back if someone’s shooting at you didn’t end the debate
  7906. >Twilight wanted you to look it up for verification
  7907. >When you did, you found out it didn’t apply because the second half of the quote is that shooting to kill is a no-no, even in that situation
  7908. >With the trump card off the table, the debate dragged on another ten minutes
  7909. >Final conclusion: Han shooting first was morally reprehensible, but safer
  7910. >Vice versa for Han waiting to shoot second
  7911. >More morally acceptable, but a terrible decision overall
  7912. >For Greedo to miss at that range was more of a one-in-a-million shot than the one that’s coming a few minutes from now
  7913.  
  7914.  
  7915. >Another time you had to pause the movie was during the Death Star firing sequence
  7916. >Twilight kept asking whether the Imperials were serious, whether they would actually do it
  7917. >And then they did
  7918. >She was in shock for a whole minute before you could resume the movie
  7919. >It was better than her reaction to the end of Dr. Strangelove, at least
  7920. >She was in shock until the end of the credits on that one, then she started weeping
  7921. >You tried to calm her down and remind her it was just a movie
  7922. >Not really thinking, you reached out to put a hand on her and tried to bring her into a side-hug
  7923. >She responded by grabbing you in a bear-hug and silently cried into your chest five long, emotionally painful minutes
  7924. >You kept stroking her mane and whispering that it’s just a movie the whole time
  7925. >Eventually she acknowledged that it’s just a movie
  7926. >Back to tonight, you asked if she wanted to stop the movie for the night after the shock of Alderaan blowing up wore off
  7927. >Twilight said no, surprisingly, but she wanted to look up how many people were supposed to be on Alderaan first
  7928. >Wookiepedia claims it was 2 billion
  7929. >Then it was on with the movie
  7930. >She was totally silent up until the Millenium Falcon was brought aboard the Death Star
  7931. >Questions resumed when she asked how the Death Star could have hangars that are exposed to space
  7932. >All was normal again until Obi-Wan died
  7933. >You could see on her face that she wanted to shout along with Luke, but she managed to restrain herself
  7934.  
  7935.  
  7936. >And returning to the present, she’s cringing every time one of the Rebel fighters gets shot down
  7937. >Strangely, she doesn’t seem to be reacting to the TIE fighters getting shot down
  7938. >You’ll have to ask about that later
  7939. >Let her watch the movie for now
  7940. >There are other things you could be doing
  7941. >You already read a bunch of the history book she gave you
  7942. >It gave some insight into how batponies came to be
  7943. >After Luna was banished to the moon, one of the city-states of the former Pegasus Empire underwent a schism
  7944. >Almost half of its residents decided they didn’t want to live under a single ruler and banished themselves to the caves of Tartarus
  7945. >Historically, Tartarus had been used as a prison
  7946. >Their logic was something along the lines of “If we’re treated like criminals for sympathizing with Luna, we’ll fit right in. Try to invade us and we’ll let out all the prisoners.”
  7947. >Pretty smart
  7948.  
  7949.  
  7950. >They moved into the caves of Tartarus, declared it independent from Equestria, and had a few powerful unicorns that came along with them alter their bodies to look like creatures of the night
  7951. >The other half of the city-state declared themselves ‘Followers of the Sun’
  7952. >They renamed the city-state Icaria because apparently that has some linguistic thing to do with following
  7953. >Celestia decided to let the batponies have what they want so long as they kept running the Prisons of Tartarus as intended
  7954. >Anyway, you’re not reading the book right now
  7955. >You need something else to do while the movie wraps up
  7956. >You reach into your pocket and pull out a letter you got not too long ago
  7957. >Here’s one of the things you could be doing: figuring out the tactical applications of magic
  7958. >Shining’s been alternating between making small talk and brainstorming how to make this ballsy escape plan of yours work
  7959. >You tilt the paper to catch some light from the hallway so you can read all the text crammed onto it again
  7960.  
  7961.  
  7962. Jake,
  7963.  
  7964. I’m glad you asked. This is my specialty. It’s also a decent analog to the Second Siege of Jarl
  7965. Sparvvinge’s Castle, so I’m going to be taking a couple ideas straight out of Maj. Woodshield’s strategy.
  7966. I’m 99% sure that Twilight knows these spells or has books she could learn them from with her now.
  7967.  
  7968.  
  7969. Area-denial enchantments are a staple of a good siege defense. Have Twilight put friction-reducing
  7970. enchantments on anything and everything that could be used as a vantage point or infiltration route.
  7971. I also understand that you’re going to be going through a mountainous area to get to Canadia, so it
  7972. might be useful there. For flatter areas, spontaneous caltrops should be a good substitute. Be more
  7973. thoughtful where you have Twilight put these, as they’re all but impossible to cross. They’re similar in
  7974. effect to those “mine fields” you told me about or stepping on a bunch of particularly sharp invisible d4
  7975. dice. While I’m on the subject, I doubt Twilight will have a chance to see a farrier. Ask if she has any
  7976. spells to make walking more comfortable.
  7977.  
  7978.  
  7979. I’m not sure what spell would be able to punch into a human tank. Sticking to your plan of staying in the
  7980. forests and hills seems like your best bet or she’s going to use too much magic fighting the thousands of
  7981. tanks you said your country built somehow. I’m also having trouble coming up with a plan for “air planes”
  7982. and “helicopters.” I know for a fact that you can’t muster a large formation of archers and musketeers, or
  7983. whatever passes for them on Earth. The anti-air tactics I know aren’t going to be of much use to you
  7984. unless you’re in a gravel pit and Twilight is feeling very energetic. I’m sure Twilight has a spell more
  7985. efficient than a telekinetic volley or just grabbing them and pulling them out of the sky one by one, but I
  7986. don’t even know half of her repertoire.
  7987.  
  7988. Hope this helps,
  7989. Shining Armor
  7990.  
  7991.  
  7992. >Some good ideas, some less-good ideas
  7993. >For one thing, small arms fire against aircraft is little more than an annoyance to the ground crew who have to patch all the holes
  7994. >And that’s assuming the aircraft flies low, slow, and close enough to be hit in the first place
  7995. >For another, a thousand tanks all attacking one house is close to being logistically impossible
  7996. >Trying to get all the fuel, ammunition, maintenance equipment, and people in one spot would be a monumental effort
  7997. >The other less-good ones are probably due to the strategic omission of the party/human shield bullshit from the request for defense tips
  7998.  
  7999.  
  8000. >Also strategically omitted: any references to MLP to any pony
  8001. >That was a request straight from Celestia
  8002. >She also requested that you ‘reconsider the current defense strategy’
  8003. >You explained why it seems like the most likely thing to work, and she hasn’t bugged you since
  8004. >The human shield stuff really is bullshit
  8005. >You shouldn’t have to do this
  8006. >You don’t WANT to do this, but fuck it
  8007. >What you do want is 1: to make sure Twilight and Spike don’t die, and 2: to make sure you and your family don’t die
  8008. >It’s not your fault that human shield tactics are a historically proven way of stalling an assault
  8009. >In any case, Shining’s got the situation wrong
  8010. >“His computer’s off.”
  8011. >Taking Twilight outside to make a magical no-man's land of your yard would be infinitely more suspicious than her going outside on her own and just sitting there at two in the morning
  8012. >The top priority is to make everything seem normal
  8013. >“Luke, you’ve switched off your targeting computer! What’s wrong?!”
  8014. >“Nothing. I’m all right!”
  8015. >Oh right, there’s a movie going on
  8016. >You quietly fold up the scroll and slip it into your pocket
  8017. >Back to the pony-watching
  8018.  
  8019.  
  8020. >Twilight is quite literally on the edge of her seat
  8021. >“I’ve lost R2!”
  8022. >Not much reaction to that, though
  8023. >Sort of weird, considering R2-D2 is a main character
  8024. >“The Death Star has cleared the planet. The Death Star has cleared the planet.”
  8025. >There’s definitely some logic behind it, but it’s definitely not good guys vs. bad guys
  8026. >“Rebel base in range.”
  8027. >“You may fire when ready.”
  8028. >“Commence primary ignition.”
  8029. >Maybe it’s something to do with how she perceives droids
  8030. >There was a brief conversation early in the film that played off of the earlier one about the accidentally-purchased Native American wife in ‘The Searchers’
  8031. >Owning a person who is willing to be owned isn’t much worse than having a butler or live-in maid
  8032. >C-3P0 and R2-D2 didn’t protest or struggle, therefore they were willing to be in their current position
  8033. >Twilight shushed the conversation early
  8034. >She didn’t want to miss the dialogue or pause, so you didn’t get an idea of how the fact that they’re robots would figure into it
  8035. >For all you know, she’s developing a grudge against computers
  8036. >She has been changing her computer habits
  8037. >It used to be the case that she kept bouncing between browsers and OSes
  8038. >You never asked her why, but she seemed to be trying to figure out which she liked best
  8039.  
  8040.  
  8041. >Over the last few days, she’s been trying to use Ubuntu instead of Windows and has completely stopped using Chrome and Internet Explorer to browse the internet
  8042. >Either it’s because she’s catching on to how her computer isn’t acting just like everyone else’s, or because she’s super-serious about the NSA not watching her
  8043. >Leaning towards the latter option
  8044. >Probably both, to an extent
  8045. >Even if she doesn’t trust her computer, that doesn’t explain her reactions to the TIE fighters
  8046. >Or to the Stormtroopers, now that you think of-
  8047. >“I have you now.”
  8048. >An extending wing whooshes past your face
  8049. >Shining Armor said something about a ‘wing blade’ technique that pegasus martial arts experts can use
  8050. >It’s pretty much what it sounds like
  8051. >“What?!”
  8052. >Even though one of them interrupted your train of thought, Twilight’s wings are probably the least dangerous part of her
  8053. >She’s barely got any coordination in the damn things, let alone the sort of finesse it’d take to use them as cutting weapons
  8054. >“YAHOO!!”
  8055. >“Look out!”
  8056. >The corners of Twilight’s open mouth are starting to turn upwards
  8057. >“You’re all clear, kid! Now let’s blow this thing and go home!”
  8058. >Luke fires his torpedoes
  8059. >Both go into the exhaust port
  8060. >Her smile only intensifies
  8061. >“Stand by.”
  8062. >It dissipates slightly as the movie cuts back to the Death Star’s control room
  8063. >“Stand by.”
  8064. >Grand Moff Tarkin strokes his chin as the music crescendos
  8065.  
  8066.  
  8067. >Boom
  8068. >There it is
  8069. >“Great shot, kid! That was one in a million!”
  8070. >That’s the smile you wanted to see this whole time
  8071. >A huge, half-laughing grin of pure joy and relief
  8072. >“Remember, The Force will be with you… always.”
  8073. >Twilight begins leaning back on the couch
  8074. >She doesn’t get very far, though
  8075. >You roll your eyes as her wings get caught on either side of the cushion behind her
  8076. >It’s like she doesn’t even realize they exist half of the time
  8077. >Now that she’s been reminded, she folds them away and leans back as she’d intended to
  8078. >You wait for her to say something, but she doesn’t
  8079. >She’s happy
  8080. >No point in interrupting that
  8081. >R2’s cursory inspection and the medal ceremony pass in silence
  8082. >The medal ceremony is particularly quiet
  8083. >You notice a look of preoccupation on her face as she watches it
  8084. >Almost like she’s not in the moment anymore
  8085. >Even the transition to the credits doesn’t snap her out of her thoughts
  8086. >…Oh right, the medal ceremony at the end of the movie inspired the final scene of the season 2 premier
  8087. >You ought to break her line of thought before she overthinks this aspect of the movie, too
  8088. “So, how about the movie?”
  8089. >No response
  8090. “Twilight?”
  8091. >Still nothing
  8092. >Maybe that was too subtle
  8093. >You lean over and turn the lights back on while saying her name again
  8094. >“Huh?”
  8095. >Her eyes flutter
  8096. >That did it
  8097.  
  8098.  
  8099. >“Sorry, I was lost in thought. What were you saying?”
  8100. “Just asking what you thought of the movie.”
  8101. >Twilight looks back at the credits scrolling by, tapping a forehoof to her chin
  8102. >She scrunches her nose in thought before turning to you again
  8103. >“…it felt rather formulaic. The characters were all clear, cookie-cutter archetypes.”
  8104. >After all that, that’s the first thing she can think of to say about this movie?
  8105. >She has to be messing with you
  8106. “What do you mean?”
  8107. >“An unsuspecting youngster is ripped from their discontented life and finds out they’re destined for greatness in the arcane arts. They befriend someone who’s headstrong, someone who can’t seem to avoid misfortune, a hirsute brute, and a Starswirl-esque mentor figure. That could be describing Harry Potter or Star Wars.”
  8108. >Okay, okay, fair point
  8109. >That doesn’t change the fact that this is Star Wars
  8110. >She continues before you get a chance to protest
  8111. >“The story is dependent on a series of increasingly unlikely occurrences, the ‘hippie mysticism’ Jon told me about regarding The Force is readily apparent, two of the main characters spoke indecipherable languages, and the science component of the ‘science fiction’ is shoddy at best. Parsecs are NOT a unit of time. I should know. I’m gigaparsecs away from where I intended to teleport to.”
  8112.  
  8113.  
  8114. >This time, she waits for your reply
  8115. “Alright, the average person has no idea what a parsec is-”
  8116. >And then immediately cuts you off
  8117. >“A parallax arc-second. 31 trillion kilometers, as calculated using a right triangle where the smallest side is one Astronomical Unit and the smallest angle is one 360th of a degree. It’s not that hard to comprehend.”
  8118. >Not a clue what that means other than ‘extremely far, possibly in a different dimension’
  8119. “-because they won’t use it in everyday life, and do you really mean to tell me you didn’t like this movie? Your reactions were saying something else entirely.”
  8120. >“Yeah, there was a lot I didn’t like. The death toll was the second highest in any movie I’ve ever seen, for one thing.”
  8121. >She ends the sentence by resting her head on a forehoof and looking away one more time
  8122. >A split second later, she uses the same forehoof to shoo away an invisible pest
  8123. >“Nevermind. It’s just a movie. That does remind me, though. I never did determine what the correct term is for planet-cide. It’s probably something like globicide or terracide, if I’m remembering the correct Allatum roots…”
  8124.  
  8125.  
  8126. >So Twilight Sparkle doesn’t like Star Wars?
  8127. >That’s bullshit
  8128. >She was enjoying herself
  8129. >You SAW her enjoying herself
  8130. “You seriously didn’t like it? I’m still having a hard time believing that.”
  8131. >Twilight makes full eye contact, furrows her brow, and smiles
  8132. >“Are you kidding? That was a great movie!”
  8133. >Wat
  8134. >“That was an emotional rollercoaster I SERIOUSLY would not mind riding again. I want to see the next one sometime. Thank you for recommending it.”
  8135. >So she does like it?
  8136. “You were nagging about it, like, the whole time. I’m getting kind of mixed messages.”
  8137. >“Let me quantify it, then. I’d rate it at just one tenth of a star below a full five-star review. Definitely worthy of being called a classic.”
  8138. >Okay then, she might actually like it
  8139. >Let’s see exactly what her opinion is just to see how genuine she’s being
  8140. “What’d you like about it?”
  8141. >“Well, the soundtrack was fantastic. I liked how they kept going back to that seven note motif. It gave the impression that it could be a symphony in its own right.”
  8142. >That’s pretty generic as far as answers go
  8143. >Agree with her at first, then surprise her
  8144. “Yeah. John Williams has something like forty separate nominations and awards for his soundtracks.”
  8145. >“If the rest of his work is just as good as this, he probably deserves them.”
  8146. “You know, they almost used disco music instead of his score for this movie.”
  8147.  
  8148.  
  8149. >Twilight blinks a few times without breaking eye contact
  8150. >“…You’re serious?”
  8151. >The only response you give her is a nod and a smug grin
  8152. >“Um… okay, that would have been an interesting choice. Granted, I haven’t heard any human disco music so I couldn’t say if it would have been a good choice or not.”
  8153. >She actually hasn’t listened to any disco as far as you know
  8154. >The Beatles have been taking up her listening time almost exclusively
  8155. >Ever since your dad digitized his old collection of records for her, she’s barely listened to anything else on the list
  8156. >“Does human disco tend to have electric instruments?”
  8157. >As is evidenced by her complete unfamiliarity with it
  8158. >Last you checked, she still had the ‘Nam era rock and country music before she gets to the disco section of the list
  8159. “Have you listened to any of it yet?”
  8160. >“I’ve been meaning to, but, uh…”
  8161. >She fidgets in her seat
  8162. >“I don’t know. I really like The Beatles. They’ve got a sound that’s sort of like The Hoofbeats sometimes – that’s an Equestrian rock band my parents listened to when I was a filly – but the electric guitar and bass really take it to a new level. Elvis was okay too, I guess, but I’d say the Beatles are better overall. I wasn’t expecting The Beatles’ sheer level of versatility.”
  8163. >Alright, understandable
  8164. >Talent scouts have been trying to find the next Beatles for decades
  8165. >If you’d stumbled across something like that, you’d probably want to give most of their songs a listen as well
  8166.  
  8167.  
  8168. >You shrug slightly and motion for her to continue
  8169. >“I’ve never been too much of a fan of disco, but I think it could be great with some new instruments.”
  8170. “To answer your question, yes. It’s usually an electric guitar and bass, a drum set, and maybe a bit of violin or brass.”
  8171. >Twilight takes a moment to think over her reply
  8172. >“… I don’t know. Handled well, I could see disco working with this movie.”
  8173. >The pony speaks blasphemy!
  8174. >You take a deep breath to calm yourself
  8175. “That’s just- no. I’m not going to subject you to a 70’s police drama to show you just how bad that would have been, but that would have absolutely ruined the lasting appeal of the movie. It would forever be associated with disco culture.”
  8176. >She leans away and puts both forehooves up in a submissive pose
  8177. >“Okay, okay. I’m just saying that if the John Williams of disco was in charge of the soundtrack...”
  8178. >Her words conjure the image of a Jew-fro’d white guy in bellbottoms and a shirt with a collar cut so low that you can see a square foot and a half of chest hair
  8179. >This Bob Ross lookalike is doing hip thrusts in time with the bow-wickety-weow of an electric bass, causing the lightsaber on his belt to swing in a way that would make Freud blush
  8180. >A shiver goes down your spine
  8181.  
  8182.  
  8183. “I don’t even want to think about it. What did you think of the director and his script?”
  8184. >“I noticed a few minor continuity errors, C-3P0 referred to itself as an aid for ‘human/cyborg relations’ when there are clearly other sapient species, and as I said, the story is dependent on some very unlikely occurrences. Still, not bad. The camera placement and cutting was good. Overall, I’d say that George Luc-”
  8185. >Twilight freezes
  8186. >You can almost hear the gears turning in her head
  8187. >“Lucas. Luke…”
  8188. >Something clicks
  8189. >“4.88 out of five for possibly self-inserting. Still, it’s a good thriller and the camerawork in the X-Wing scene was great. It reminded me a bit of the aerodrome scenes in Off the Flight Line, but including radio communications made it much more dramatic. Star Wars may actually be the better of the two.”
  8190. >That’s not a movie you’ve seen
  8191. >Come to think of it, that’s not a movie you’ve ever heard of
  8192. “Sorry, what movie are you talking about?
  8193. >“The biopic of the Wonderbolts’ weak-winged premier choreographer, Commander Easyglider. It’s pretty obscure, even in Equestria. I was trying to get a copy of it for a surprise gift to a friend, but I couldn't find it anywhere.”
  8194. “Ah. Yeah, I probably wouldn't have seen it.”
  8195.  
  8196.  
  8197. >Note to self: Easy Rider needs to be on the web filter and off the list of movies you were considering showing her
  8198. >It’s probably for the best
  8199. >You caught a bit of that movie on TV once
  8200. >The part you saw was a montage of the characters riding cross-country on a motorcycle and it stretched on forever
  8201. >Watching that after 9pm probably isn’t a good idea
  8202. >“The camera techniques used in ‘Off the Flight Line’ were pretty novel for their time, so I have to ask: what inspired the Death Star attack scene’s techniques?”
  8203. “World War 2 propaganda reels. The concept of the scene itself is vaguely similar to the low-level ‘dam buster’ bombing raids, but I can say for certain that the Millennium Falcon’s escape from the Death Star was inspired by B-17 missions.”
  8204. >Twilight’s expression drops into a tired-looking deadpan
  8205. >Ooh, maybe you should have thought before blurting that out
  8206. “Sorry. You did ask.”
  8207. >“I’m tempted to downgrade my rating of the movie because of that, but I’ll give it a pass because that’s nearly unavoidable in your culture. We’re not showing this movie to Spike. Agreed?”
  8208. >Pon is starting to get into a bad mood
  8209. >Agree with pon to de-escalate situation, but keep telling her the truth
  8210. “If that’s what you want. Just saying, there’s a lot of World War 2 in Star Wars. The Empire is a clear analogue for Nazis. I’m pretty sure the Star Wars novels even state that they’re a human-supremacist group.”
  8211.  
  8212.  
  8213. >Twilight looks away and begins to push herself off the couch
  8214. >“I’ve found Disney and Looney Tunes cartoons about fighting that war. I can’t help but be disturbed by how much of what’s on Earth is defined by war.”
  8215. >Several soft taps come from her hooves as she lands
  8216. >She turns back to you as she walks past your end of the couch
  8217. >“Can we have a serious conversation for just a moment?”
  8218. >Can’t say no
  8219. “What’s on your mind?”
  8220. >Twilight takes a seat on the floor facing you
  8221. >She opens her mouth but can’t seem to bring herself to speak
  8222. >After a moment she works up the guts to say it
  8223. >“Your plan. It’s… well, I'm worried I'll end up being defined by war. My end of it keeps getting worse by the minute.”
  8224. “How so?”
  8225. >“John and Eliza both got rid of the pipe guns you made for them. Not the ammunition, just the guns.”
  8226. >You’d figured something like that might happen
  8227. >They shut you out every time you try to teach them something about how a military functions
  8228. >It’s pretty obvious that they’re not on board, but that’s the second highest priority to making everything look normal
  8229. >“They’re so convinced it won’t happen, but I’m not sure, and now I’m going to have to protect them even more if it does.”
  8230. >Bad news, but you can deal with that
  8231. >You lean back and cross your arms
  8232. “That just means we’re more likely to take supplies from a National Guard armory on the first night.”
  8233.  
  8234.  
  8235. >Twilight squints at you with a hint of worry in her eyes
  8236. >“That wasn’t really elaborated upon in your flowchart. What does ‘taking’ supplies entail?”
  8237. “NVGs and loads of batteries, some real guns, and load-bearing gear.”
  8238. >She rears back and shrugs her forelegs
  8239. >“No. I mean what’s the actual plan for that?”
  8240. >And therein lies another layer of bullshit
  8241. >Celestia wanted to be sure you had something resembling a plan
  8242. >It took almost a week to have something thorough and detailed enough to convince her that you had some basic idea of what your were doing
  8243. >The truth is that you wrote the plan out solely to satisfy her
  8244. >You didn’t even include a fraction of the things you might have to do, and you sure as hell haven’t memorized what you wrote down
  8245. >So instead, you’re going by a few good doctrines
  8246. “We do whatever we need to, we do it as quickly as possible, and we leave before any meaningful response can be organized.”
  8247. >“And? What are the specifics?”
  8248. “We don’t know yet.”
  8249. >Twilight sighs and stares at the floor
  8250. >“I thought there were plans.”
  8251. “There are, but we will need to improvise. The flowchart was just illustrating some of the on-the-spot decisions we might need to make.”
  8252. >She turns her gaze back to you
  8253. >“Look, all I really want right now is some certainty. Your flowchart was very vague about how I’d be using my magic.”
  8254.  
  8255.  
  8256. >As it should be, since you have no idea what she’s capable of
  8257. >Celestia’s assured you that Twilight is one of the best magicians alive
  8258. >However, the tactical applications of turning a rock into a top hat are limited
  8259. >Teleportation and telekinesis are fine and dandy, but that limits your options too much
  8260. >“I want to know one thing. Do you think I’ll have to kill people if we need to fight?”
  8261. >The truthful answer is ‘probably’
  8262. >You uncross your arms so you can hold your chin and think of a tactful response
  8263. >After a couple of seconds, you throw up your hands
  8264. “We’ll do whatever’s practical.”
  8265. >Twilight’s eyes widen slightly.
  8266. >“So if avoiding killing is practical, I won’t have to?”
  8267. “If it’s not practical, yes.”
  8268. >They scrunch back down in concern
  8269. >“When would it be impractical?”
  8270. “When we don’t have a better option.”
  8271. >They scrunch down even further
  8272. >“And you think I wouldn’t have a better option?”
  8273. “Do you?”
  8274. >She rears back again, her eyes shooting open as she gives an overdramatic sweeping gesture with both forehooves
  8275. >“Well gee, I don’t know. Maybe we could always try to avoid anyone who wants to attack us in the first place, and hide instead of fighting?”
  8276. “Okay, we’ll do that. The plan is escape and evasion, after all.”
  8277. >Twilight Snarkle drops her forehooves back to the ground and just barely, barely begins to smile
  8278. >If only you could let her stay her like that
  8279.  
  8280.  
  8281. “Just keep in mind that the last twelve years have been a revolution in surveillance and reconnaissance technology. Do you know any spells that can hide people from thermal imaging?”
  8282. >Aaaand the unrealistic expectations shatter with her smile
  8283. >“Uhh… short of giving them hypothermia, I can’t think of anything at the moment.”
  8284. “There’s also the night of the Fourth, when hiding isn’t really an option. We’re going to have to fight at least once, and killing a hostile is the most defin-”
  8285. >Twilight puts one forehoof out to prompt you to stop, and places the other just between her eyes in what seems to be the pony equivalent of grabbing the bridge of one’s nose
  8286. >“Look, I’m not sure you really understand what death means to me. Or what it means at all, for that matter.”
  8287. >Whoa
  8288. >Hold up a second
  8289. >Hold up a motherfucking second
  8290. >You lean forward and speak in a calm, firm whisper
  8291. “Twilight, you don’t get to say that.”
  8292. >She puts one hoof down and throws the other out to the side, concern etching the features into her now-revealed face
  8293. >“Why not? You’re willingly putting dozens of innocent people in a situation that could get them all killed, and on top of that you’re saying I have no options aside from killing.”
  8294. “You lost the right to say anything when you watched the Death Star explode and enjoyed it.”
  8295. >“That was different. Those were clones. They’re not natural beings.”
  8296.  
  8297.  
  8298. >Ohhh so that was her logic
  8299. >Doesn’t change that she’s wrong
  8300. “And what exactly is wrong with that?”
  8301. >“A clone is a replica of an original. There’s nothing lost in its destruction, save for the time and effort of making it, unless the template for creating it is lost.”
  8302. >She’s getting fired up
  8303. >Maybe you can use this to distract her from the ridiculous accusation she just made
  8304. “That’s not how cloning works.”
  8305. >“Not without magic. With magic, it’s possible to make a copy that is indistinguishable down to the molecular scale, at least in theory. This isn’t something that many magicians have tried. As far as I’m concerned, The Force is just another incorrect interpretation of my intellectual interest’s inscrutable intricacies.”
  8306. >Uhh, what?
  8307. “Why are you tying The Force to cloning?”
  8308. >“Isn’t that how they did the cloning?”
  8309. “No. Your perception of what The Force is way off. It can’t be used for stuff like that.”
  8310. >She looks off to the side and furrows her brow for a moment, then returns her gaze to you
  8311. >Looks like you’ve completely derailed her previous line of thought
  8312. >“So the fiction is that they were made with natural cellular processes?”
  8313. “With chemical alterations to make them reach adulthood sooner and be unquestioningly obedient, but yeah.”
  8314.  
  8315.  
  8316. >“Oh. Do you know how this movie went over with the crowd who’s against zygotic stem cell research? I know there are some weird double standards around that.”
  8317. >Balls keep getting thrown your way from somewhere deep in left field
  8318. >And what’s ‘zygotic’ stem cell research?
  8319. >It’s not called that
  8320. “You’re on the wrong page. I don’t think that was a thing back in ’77 and I don’t know why you’re not calling it embryonic stem cell research.”
  8321. >“Because that’s a misnomer, in my opinion.”
  8322. >You sit up straight and wait
  8323. >She takes the cue immediately
  8324. >This is going well
  8325. >“Stem cells are harvested from zygotes, the pre-embryonic stage of development. A zygote is only a zygote for a few days after the egg is, uh… fertilized. Human medicine can’t detect a fertilization that early, so the majority of embryonic stem cells are taken from artificial fertilizations. Those tend to be backups for implantation into someone who’s having trouble conceiving. They would have been thrown out, otherwise. I don’t see how that could be so controversial.”
  8326. >…Huh
  8327. “When you put it like that, I’m confused too.”
  8328. >“Speaking of, I’m confused as to why I’m not allowed to question your understanding of death’s significance.”
  8329. >Fffffuck
  8330. >Derail failed
  8331.  
  8332.  
  8333. >“Plain and simple, I won’t fight unless I have no other option and I’m not going to kill anyone. I’m not going to let you get anyone else killed, either. Unless you’re one hundred percent sure it could deter an attack, please call the party off.”
  8334. “I won’t.”
  8335. >Twilight’s look of concern turns to one of borderline disgust
  8336. >If it keeps going like this, she’s going to go to someone else for her daily dose of cuddles and this relationship will be a failure to launch
  8337. >“I don’t understand how someone that’s so nice to me could be so willing to risk innocent lives.”
  8338. >You raise an eyebrow
  8339. “Do you want me to explain?”
  8340. >“I’m not sure you can.”
  8341. >You put your hands out in a halfhearted shrug
  8342. “I’m not the one who would be killing them.”
  8343. >Her frown is softening
  8344. “That’s why I’m sticking with this part of the plan. If that one in a thousand attack does come, the ball isn’t in my court when it comes to moral decisions.”
  8345.  
  8346.  
  8347. >She’s nodding slightly
  8348. >“Ohhh. Okay, I think get why you’re having the party now.”
  8349. >The frown is almost completely gone
  8350. >“You’re trying to force a situation where they’ll have to prove they’re evil if they really want to take Spike and I. That’s- okay, yeah. I can understand that.”
  8351. >Booyah
  8352. “So you’re okay with it now?”
  8353. >“I… well, no, but I’ll let you do it.”
  8354. “Glad to hear it.”
  8355. >Is this what it feels like to be Commander Shepard, getting an all-star team of specialists ready for an impossible mission?
  8356. >It feels good
  8357. >Minus the renegade bullshit with the party, at least
  8358. >And also hopefully not hallucinating everything
  8359. >“I wouldn’t have many qualms killing someone evil if I really, really need to… though, uh, I’m not sure I’d be competent. I guess that’s what we’re working on, right?”
  8360. >Wat, again
  8361. “Wait, just like that? You’re completely okay with killing now?”
  8362. >“Well… not completely. Someone who’s unrepentantly evil is just one step above being unnaturally created. If I have no choice but to kill them, that’s that.”
  8363. >Nope!
  8364. >Nope nope nope nope
  8365. >Too renegade
  8366. >Not letting this happen
  8367. >Having a wizard on your side who will kill reluctantly is WAAAAY better than having a wizard that’s completely willing to kill
  8368. >In any case, you need a combat wizard, and you need to tell her something you were trying to hold back
  8369.  
  8370.  
  8371. “You misinterpreted what I said earlier in the movie. The Empire is only using some clones left over from the Clone Wars. There were plenty of non-clones aboard. You were happy that they died, whether or not you knew it.”
  8372. >She ponders this for barely a second
  8373. >“They were still evil.”
  8374. “Are the people who might attack us evil if they go through with it?”
  8375. >“Causing unnecessary destruction is creating chaos. The more destruction, the worse it is. Killing a person is literally destroying their life’s work. DECADES of effort are wiped out. If people who kill without a second thought are not evil, I don’t know what is. How could you not understand that?”
  8376. >Now she’s just being presumptuous
  8377. “Twilight, I do understand. I’d dare say I understand better than you do.”
  8378. >She cocks an eyebrow and squints interrogatively
  8379. >Her huge eyes make a passable effort at boring into your soul over the next five seconds
  8380. >Yes, Twilight, this human is being serious
  8381. >“Prove it.”
  8382. >Now we’re talking
  8383. “I think I know exactly how to do that.”
  8384.  
  8385.  
  8386. >You shut down the entertainment system and wave in the direction of your room
  8387. >Using the momentum from this gesture, you push off of the couch
  8388. “Come on. I’ve got something I want to show you.”
  8389. >It takes less than ten steps to get into your room
  8390. >Somewhere around the third step, you hear her hooves start to follow you
  8391. >Your desktop is still whirring happily away under the desk
  8392. >It’d be horrible to leave her waiting when you’ve got such a point to prove
  8393. >Whoops, the shades are up on the windows!
  8394. >You take care of that, then turn around and gesture to your bed
  8395. >Twilight climbs onto it as you flop into the big ol’ executive spinny chair in front of your desk
  8396. >The amount of paper on your desk must have tripled over the last week
  8397. >Sketches of your flowchart and scrolls from Celestia are strewn all over
  8398. >A few from Luna are probably in there too, but they have similar writing styles and always sign the letters together
  8399. >There’s even a copy of an actual friendship report buried in there somewhere from when you asked if Twilight had any experience with dangerous situations
  8400. >She also sent you copies of most of the other friendship reports because you took their outburst over asking how they knew they were cartoon characters so well
  8401. >It took all of your willpower to not fangasm on the spot as you read through THE friendship reports
  8402. >Sending them back was almost as hard, but it wasn’t like you have room to keep dozens of scrolls
  8403. >Based princesses
  8404.  
  8405.  
  8406. >Twilight’s based too, in a roundabout and not really based way
  8407. >Now you have a legit reason to be sending letters back and forth with the two big princesses
  8408. >That’s great and all, but Spike’s actively reading through some of what you send now
  8409. >Can’t have everything
  8410. “Alright. You’ve got some idea of what death means, but you’re missing some important parts. We need to address that.”
  8411. >“Is it that I only mentioned how death can take away past work that’s been done? I thought that the future consequences of not being able to do anything again would have been implicit.”
  8412. >Not quite there
  8413. “That’s important too, but I’m still not hearing what I want to hear.”
  8414. >She lays down on the bed, folding her hooves under herself
  8415. >“What about the impact of a death on a community? Is that what I’m missing?”
  8416. >Nnnnope
  8417. “Still not quite what I’m looking for.”
  8418. >“I’d rather not have to keep guessing at this time of night.”
  8419. “Well, then we better get started. I’m going to show you something that changed my life, but I need to tell you a little story first. This all leads into how I developed my idea of what it means to kill.”
  8420. >“What kind of story?”
  8421. “Bits and pieces of my life story.”
  8422. >She gives a worried frown
  8423. >“Please don’t make me regret taking this conversation towards an ad equinem. It’s late, I’m tired, I just watched an enjoyable movie, and there were things I planned to do right now that are sort of important.”
  8424. >She should have considered that before starting this
  8425.  
  8426.  
  8427. “I’ll try not to make this take too long. I promise.”
  8428. >Twilight shifts around on the bed to get settled in
  8429. >Evidently, she thinks it might
  8430. >At least she’s staying
  8431. >You lean back in the chair
  8432. “If I had to summarize my life in two words, those words would be ‘head trauma.’”
  8433. >Twilight stares at you, unamused
  8434. “No, seriously. A lot of personally important events in my life involve me getting conked upside the head in one way or another. Just a weird pattern I’ve noticed.”
  8435. >Twilight’s starting to flatten her ears back and lower her head onto the mattress
  8436. >Hurry up and start telling the story
  8437. “The first time worth talking about was when I was four years old. I was at the playground with my father. It was a warm, sunny day, so we both walked down to the neighborhood playground. We had the playground to ourselves for some reason, can’t recall why. This is important because the next two things probably wouldn’t have happened if there was anyone else there.”
  8438. >She raises her head again as her ears perk back up fully
  8439. >“I think I’ve heard this before.”
  8440. >The fuck?
  8441. >Did Jon tell her?
  8442. >Why would he do that?
  8443. “You’ve heard this before?”
  8444. >“Yeah, it’s… never mind. Continue.”
  8445. “No, I need to know if you heard this from my father.”
  8446. >The room fills with silence
  8447. >Twilight starts glancing at the wall, the desk, your Xbox, and a myriad of things which are not you
  8448.  
  8449.  
  8450. >Could’ve just said “yes,” princess
  8451. “Whatever. That doesn’t change things too much. Point is that I goaded him onto a spring-mounted rocking horse. The spring couldn’t support him and he rocked straight onto his face. I’d been watching some Tom and Jerry cartoons earlier that day. My young, stupid mind thought that dad falling on his face was just as funny as Tom falling on his face, so I laughed.”
  8452. >You sit up straight, remembering the sensation of what happened next
  8453. “He got right up, angrier than I’ve ever seen him before or since, and hit me with a closed fist on the side of my head. I was lucky he was still lucid enough to hold back and not use his knuckles. That’s where his side of the story ends.”
  8454. >Her eyes lock back on to you as her forelegs uncross
  8455. >Now you’ve got her attention!
  8456. “He blames himself for what he did. I don’t. I was being a little jerk, and because of me he had to spend the rest of the afternoon using cotton balls and rubbing alcohol to get the grains of dirt out of the skin of his forehead. I think I deserved what I got.”
  8457. >She blinks, her mouth just barely opening like she’s as gobsmacked as you were when it happened
  8458. >At least part of this must be news to her, probably not the part about the rubbing alcohol
  8459. >Pon is processing this new information
  8460.  
  8461.  
  8462. >You leave her in silence again for a couple of seconds before restarting
  8463. “Sure, I was almost too scared of him to follow him home from the playground. Sure, it took me more than a day to work up the nerve to give him a proper apology. Sure, we’d both done something neither of us should have done. I still think this was the best demonstration of the golden rule I ever could have been given.”
  8464. >You pause between sentences
  8465. >Twilight is given just enough time to interject
  8466. >“I don’t understand. You sound thankful for this.”
  8467. “I guess I am, in a way. It helped make me who I am. I’m also glad he’s never done anything like that again, but that’s something else.”
  8468. >She opens her mouth to speak, but thinks better of it
  8469. >A second later, she finds the words she wants to say
  8470. >“Does this have anything to do with trying to get me to hit you earlier this week?”
  8471. “No, that was different.”
  8472. >Need to keep this moving or she might miss the point you’re trying to make
  8473. >You wave off what she said
  8474. “Whatever. The playground incident’s water under the bridge for both of us at this point. Before that summer was over, we were vacationing in one of his family’s dingy little summer cottages in Ontario and he was teaching me to canoe on the lake. He never did anything like it again, either. I don’t think I understood what had happened back then, so let’s fast forward a couple of years.”
  8475. >Now that you’re off that subject, you can relax again
  8476.  
  8477.  
  8478. >Still, there’s a message she needs to get and it wouldn’t make as much sense without that bit
  8479. >You lean back into the chair and address the ceiling
  8480. “I was six years old, mostly unmedicated, and overall I was the same stupid kid. That stupidity tended to get me in and out of the principal’s office with some regularity. I managed to get into a fight once. I was held back a year for that while they figured out my medications some more. Mind you, I wasn’t a troublemaker. I always said ‘please’ and ‘thank you,’ but I kept goofing off during class. My parents figured I must have too much energy if I’m playing around instead of learning, so they signed me up for an afterschool program at the YMCA.”
  8481. >“I don’t recognize that acronym.”
  8482. >She will if she keeps going with the music list you made for her
  8483. >Give her a week or two
  8484. >You take your gaze off of the ceiling to look her in the eye
  8485. >She’s looking straight back at you
  8486. >That first story must have been enough to get her interest
  8487. “It’s an activities club of sorts. Basically summercamp stuff without having to bunk at a summercamp. Anyway, I was running around on the field when some of the other kids told me they were going to make a little clubhouse out of sticks in the woods nearby. I had nothing better to do, so I went with them. This was maybe 20 feet into the woodline. The staff couldn’t really see what was happening but didn’t really care as long as they knew where we were.”
  8488.  
  8489.  
  8490. >You can see her mouth opening and beginning to say the word “did”
  8491. >Most likely “did they conk you over the head?”
  8492. >You cut her off before any sound escapes her
  8493. “I think I know what you’re about to ask, and no, little kids usually aren’t jerks like I was to my father. They didn’t conk me over the head. Not directly, at least.”
  8494. >Her mouth shuts
  8495. “They’d already made a decent amount of the clubhouse and they’d started setting up some stuff around it. Everyone involved was young and stupid, so they wanted to set it up like a castle with catapults and stuff.”
  8496. >Her mouth opens again in a silent ‘ohhh’ of realization
  8497. “Yeah, the catapults were what did it. I don’t know what anyone was thinking when they made the first one. The one they made was nothing more than a stick levered over a rock, but it was a big stick. I was stupid enough to stand in front of one when it was being shown off.”
  8498. >You point to that one spot on your eyebrow
  8499. “It hit me right here. They’d only loaded it with a woodchip, but I almost lost my eye.”
  8500. >“You almost lost your eye at six years old?”
  8501. >Her voice rises slightly as she asks the question
  8502. >It’s hard to tell whether it’s because of incredulity or concern
  8503.  
  8504.  
  8505. >On with the story, anyway
  8506. “Sure did. The woodchip was moving fast enough to have done it, too. It got lodged under my skin when it hit me. Mind you, this was a pretty chunky woodchip so it was sticking out there like a horn or some-”
  8507. >You notice a legitimate frown on Twilight’s face and a spark of annoyance in her eyes
  8508. >She’s engaged enough in what you’re saying
  8509. >It can’t be that she’s bored already
  8510. >Was it something you said?
  8511. >Wait
  8512. >Yeah, it was something you said
  8513. “Sorry, that was a bad analogy. Anyway, I run back to the main building of the camp screaming and crying because I have no idea what’s going on other than ‘something hit me in the head and it hurts really bad.’ One of the counselors saw me when I got there. She pulled me aside into a bathroom, probably so I wouldn’t bleed everywhere or scare any of the other kids. Fifteen minutes later, an ambulance, police car, and fire truck were there to pick me up.”
  8514. >This time, you pause to give her a bit of time to ask a question that you’re pretty sure is coming
  8515. >“I can understand why the police and doctors would be there, but why the fire department?”
  8516. >Yup, there it is
  8517. “I’m pretty sure it’s just standard protocol to have someone from each department come to the scene of an emergency.”
  8518.  
  8519.  
  8520. >“What happened to the other children? The ones that made the catapult?”
  8521. “As far as I know, nothing. Their parents probably grounded them or something.”
  8522. >“Then why were the police there?”
  8523. “Again, I think that’s just protocol.”
  8524. >This is going off on a tangent again
  8525. >Keep it on track
  8526. “Speaking of parents, the counselors called up mine and they were there in time to see me in the ambulance before it left. I think I was partially sedated at this point, but I remember a few things. More than the last time I’d been in an ambulance, at least.”
  8527. >“The last time?”
  8528. >Not that it really matters to this story, but she asked and it does fit the overall theme of your life
  8529. “I was two years old and cut my forehead open when I tripped on a doormat. The ambulance came and my parents rode in it with me. I was let out of the hospital less than an hour after I had my stitches in because I was getting up to use the bathroom again and again instead of staying in my bed. I count myself lucky that both times I got stitches in my head, my hair covers the scars.”
  8530. >Hopefully this doesn’t go into another tangent
  8531. >If it does, you’re going to have to tell her to stop asking questions and just let you talk
  8532. >It’s good that she’s interested enough to ask, but damn
  8533. >“Ah. Alright, what about the one when you were six?”
  8534. >Thank you, Twilight
  8535.  
  8536.  
  8537. “The paramedics had me in a neck brace and strapped down really tight. They were telling my parents something along the lines of how the woodchip might be poking at my brain.”
  8538. >You notice a single eyebrow rising on Twilight’s face
  8539. “It wasn’t. Funny thing about that. It literally fell out when the doctor examining me poked it. Of course, we didn’t know that at the time. Everyone was worried. My parents stayed with me and held my hand for the entire ride to Boston Children’s Hospital. This is when I figured out that they really care about me.”
  8540. >Twilight’s eyebrow drops back into a more neutral position
  8541. “Alright, jumping ahead to my first semester of college.”
  8542. >Now both eyebrows shoot up
  8543. >“That’s a pretty large jump.”
  8544. “I’m skipping the parts that aren’t related to this.”
  8545. >Then again…
  8546. “Actually, no. You’re right. It wouldn’t make sense if I didn’t at least say I’d got my fair share of A’s and B’s in high school and straightened myself out with the help of some medications. I almost went into the honors program.”
  8547. >“Why was it only ‘almost?’”
  8548. “I didn’t take enough math-based courses to qualify. I was getting good enough grades in the math classes I took, but actually doing the math was unbearable. All the problems took me way longer than they should’ve. I still got my diploma with decent grades, so no complaints there. We weren’t heartbroken about not getting another bumper sticker.”
  8549.  
  8550.  
  8551. >Twilight is giving you a bemused look
  8552. >“What would a bumper sticker have to do with it?”
  8553. “Schools hand out ‘my kid is an honors student’ bumper stickers sometimes. We spent a few months making college arrangements, getting money from my grandpa’s inheritance into my checking account, that sort of stuff. I started working a little in the meantime. Odd jobs, mostly, but it was good enough money to pay them off for this thing.”
  8554. >You end the sentence by pointing a thumb over your shoulder at the honkin’ huge desktop computer
  8555. “I’d struck a deal with my mom when I bought it. I give her a down payment for half of its price and promised to pay the rest with a little interest. I’d fallen behind on the payments a bit because the job market tanked when I was midway through high school. I took a job helping dig out the pit for a neighbor’s new septic system in the July after I graduated because it’d pay almost double what I’d earned in all the previous jobs combined. I figured I’d be able to get that done by the end of August. It took until mid-September, but I paid off the debt.”
  8556. >That ought to be enough background on the topic
  8557. “And that brings us to the fall of 2010. I took my community college’s intake exam before I started digging for the neighbor’s septic pit. I did well enough on it to give me confidence that I could take four classes in the first semester: algebra 2, world history before 1500, writing composition 1, and Spanish 2.”
  8558.  
  8559.  
  8560. >Twilight raises one forehoof while continuing to make eye contact with you
  8561. >You can tell she wants to ask a question that might lead onto a tangent
  8562. >Whatever
  8563. >One more time
  8564. “Yes?”
  8565. >“I’m not seeing what this could have to do with death or your understanding thereof.”
  8566. >Oh, good, this is actually another quick one
  8567. “It’s about to go back to that a lot faster than you’d think.”
  8568. >Instead of dropping her forehoof back to the mattress, she rests her chin on the joint just above her hoof so that her mouth is partially covered
  8569. >Those massive eyes of hers start to scrunch down in scrutiny
  8570. “That first semester didn’t go the way I wanted it to. It seemed okay at first, but then everything went wrong. I messed up and read the wrong book for the history course’s midterm paper. I skimmed the syllabus while I was digging that septic pit and thought it said something it didn’t. This was an online course, so I didn’t realize my mistake until two weeks before the paper was due. Shortly after that, the Spanish class also went sour. It was a different curriculum from my high school course that expected me to know grammar I wasn’t familiar with. I tried to push through it regardless. That almost ruined me.”
  8571.  
  8572.  
  8573. >You lace your fingers together and start twiddling your thumbs to have something to look at
  8574. “I couldn’t handle the higher workload. I could swear I felt my heart seizing up one time when I was told I'd have two assignments from one class on the same night. It became clearer and clearer that I just wouldn’t be able to get the paper in no matter how hard I tried to study. I felt useless. I didn’t even know why I was bothering to try so hard when, to this day, I still don’t know what major I want to pursue. I stopped talking to my parents, started saying I wasn’t hungry at dinners, gave up half of my hobbies, submitted a test to the Spanish class where all the answers were filled in with nihilism in broken Spanish… not a fun time.”
  8575. >“I’m not a licensed psychiatrist, but that sounds like clinical depression.”
  8576. >Returning your attention to Twilight, she’s actually looking kind of concerned
  8577. “Yeah, I was pretty distraught about it. I overreacted, in hindsight.”
  8578. >“I have to disagree with that.”
  8579. >Yeah, she would state that like it’s an absolute truth, wouldn’t she?
  8580. >There are so many retorts you could give, but they’re beside the point
  8581. “And I’ll have to disagree with your disagreement. They had to readjust my medications because of this. I actually considered suicide a few times.”
  8582. >Her eyes widen in shock and blink several times
  8583. >“You what?”
  8584.  
  8585.  
  8586. “I found myself wondering if the three-story drop from the English classroom would be enough to kill me if I landed right. I also didn’t have a car yet, so I was taking public transportation home and saw trains almost daily. I thought about throwing myself under one of them. I think that time in my life was the closest I ever came to actually doing it. Here’s why I didn’t.”
  8587. >And this is where it would get really awkward if you were one of the people with a ‘MLP saved my life’ story
  8588. >Pony hasn’t saved you
  8589. >…yet
  8590. “I was at home on one of the weekdays I had free in my schedule. It was around 5 in the evening. I was literally hitting my head against the wall over my homework. I hear Eliza coming home from teaching and think that maybe she could help me salvage a bit of my algebra work. She helps me for about an hour, then she has to go back to grading tests and making lessons. A few minutes later, I hear her start crying.”
  8591. >You allow Twilight a few seconds to collect herself
  8592. >“What happened?”
  8593. “I went into the kitchen to check. Jon was already there comforting her. There was a message on her faculty email account saying that a student had killed herself. I think I heard that it was because of some issues in her family. Mom recognized the name as someone she taught. Dinner was very quiet that night, but everyone at the table ate.”
  8594. >Twilight drops one hoof away from her mouth and starts scratching at her chin with the other
  8595.  
  8596.  
  8597. “I resolved that I’d never do the same thing to her. We ended up withdrawing me from the Spanish and History courses a few days before I’d get a letter grade on my transcript. I was still pretty broken up about it, but I knew couldn’t break my mother’s heart even if I wouldn’t be around for it. By the time the next semester rolled around, I realized that it would be safer if I didn’t care as much about withdrawing. My GPA right now is something like 3.5, and withdrawing doesn’t lower it. Besides, GPA is just a number, and I never liked working with numbers.”
  8598. >Twilight briefly stops scratching her chin during that last part of your story
  8599. >You can see the edges of a frown behind her hoof, but she restrains herself from speaking up
  8600. “Now that you have entirely too much background on what led up to the reason I understand death, I’m going to show you the reason itself.”
  8601. >You spin around in the spinny chair so you can operate your PC gaming battlestation
  8602. >Let’s see, the file should be in-
  8603. >Yep, there it is
  8604. >C:Users/Jake Addams/Video
  8605. >God DAMN are you glad you got that recording
  8606. >“I’m still not clear on why you’ve decided to tell your life story to me.”
  8607. “This last bit is going to tie all that together. I mean, it’s only fair. I know a bunch of yours.”
  8608. >There’s a one-way tense silence as you bring up the media player
  8609. >“… How, exactly, would you know my life story?”
  8610.  
  8611.  
  8612. >Spike must not have told her about the bulk delivery from their based-nesses, Princess Celestia and Luna
  8613. >You root through the pile of paper on your desk for the copied friendship report you elected to keep
  8614. >Found it
  8615. >It’s the one from S1E05 about being afraid of looking like a showoff
  8616. >You turn it towards her and unfurl it
  8617. >She scans across the page and mutters the first few words
  8618. >“Dear Princess Cel- Oh, horsefeathers…”
  8619. >No idea how, but you think you can see her blushing through her fur
  8620. “I think the note about how you wrote that in the context of having just levitated a ten-ton bear made of stars across town is somewhere around here.”
  8621. >Twilight buries her face in her hooves
  8622. >“Ugh! Spike knows I don’t like other people hearing about these things.”
  8623. “What, so he could decide not to receive these letters? Can he even do that?”
  8624. >“He can’t, and he shouldn’t have told you in the first place.”
  8625. >Something tells you she’s not on the same page as you are
  8626.  
  8627.  
  8628. “You think Spike told me?”
  8629. >She removes her hooves, positioning them as if she’s holding something between them
  8630. >“It must have been him. I know my brother wouldn’t.”
  8631. “You’re half right. He didn’t tell me until he realized I already knew. Would you believe me if I said it was Celestia?”
  8632. >That sideways look she’s giving you says ‘no’
  8633. >You hastily drag a hand across your chest, flutter it off to the side, and tap the bridge of your nose
  8634. >“I’m not going to believe that until I hear it directly from her.”
  8635. >Twilight waves a hoof dismissively, as if that’s going to make what you said untrue
  8636. “She just wanted me to help you acknowledge that you’re going to get through this. Anyway, this is what I wanted to show you.”
  8637. >You click to open the file
  8638.  
  8639.  
  8640. >The media player springs from the corner of the screen
  8641. >A couple seconds of the video play before you manage to click the pause button
  8642. >Since this is yet another thing you’ve seen before, Twilight gets the headphones
  8643. >As you take the headphones off of a small pile of scrolls, it occurs to you that you have no idea how she’s going to wear them
  8644. >She has earbuds for her computer because, frankly, that’s what was lying around the house
  8645. >You turn around to hand the headset to her anyway
  8646. >She’ll figure something out
  8647. >It’s kind of important that she does, or this won’t have the impact you want it to
  8648. >She holds the headset on a forehoof and appears to puzzle over the same question as you did for a moment, then looks back to you
  8649. >“Are you showing me a video game?”
  8650. >You glance behind yourself at the screen
  8651. >There’s a wooden bolt-action rifle poking out of the corner of the media player, plus a few statistics and gauges around the edges
  8652. >Now you look back to her
  8653. “Yeah. Red Orchestra 2. It’s a personal favorite of mine. I had a life-changing experience playing this game.”
  8654. >That last sentence causes her to cock her head in confusion
  8655. >You might be losing her here
  8656. “Yeah, I know it sounds ridiculous. The emotional response that videogames can cause isn’t the sort of thing you understand unless you’ve played some.”
  8657.  
  8658.  
  8659. >Uhhhh
  8660. >She played about 45 minutes of Minecraft
  8661. >Sort of remarkable, seeing how she’s never touched the games that come pre-installed in Windows
  8662. >That’s something you can work with, even though this isn’t something she’s told you about yet
  8663. “Did you try that game I gave you?”
  8664. >Her head levels out again
  8665. >“Yes, actually.”
  8666. “So do you know how frustrating it is to have a creeper blow up on you?”
  8667. >“Um… maybe? I'm not sure I understand the question.”
  8668. >Why not?
  8669. >Does she just not know what they’re called?
  8670. “Creepers. They’re the green enemies in Minecraft that run up to you and explode.”
  8671. >“Oh, that explains it. I had it set not to have enemies in the game.”
  8672. >Well crap
  8673. >Before you can even open your mouth, she continues into what could be described as a mini-rant
  8674. >“The most frustrating thing about that game is that it has a way to design circuitry. Just because of that, I doubt I’m going to play that game again. The icing on top of that is that the website the game is hosted on mentioned something about adding horses to the game. You already know how I feel about those.”
  8675. >Just because of that?
  8676. >What a weird reason to ragequit
  8677. >And what’s this about horses?
  8678.  
  8679.  
  8680. “Wow, uh… sorry about that. I’ve only been following Minecraft’s updates on and off since they added Survival mode. I thought it would be right up your alley.”
  8681. >She puts her free forehoof up apologetically
  8682. >“It’s not that I don’t appreciate the sentiment. It was interesting for a little while.”
  8683. >At least it wasn’t a total loss
  8684. >Still, she quit over just that one little part of the game?
  8685. “You could always just not play the parts of the game you don’t like.”
  8686. >The forehoof drops back to the mattress with a little more force behind it than just gravity
  8687. >“Troubleshooting a calculator that’s based on an existing design shouldn’t have been as laborious as that was. The less I'm reminded of that blasted breadborard, the better.”
  8688. “What’s a breadboard?”
  8689. “A word I’d be thankful not to hear again for quite some time.”
  8690. >Well that didn’t answer your question
  8691. >It DID prove you right, though
  8692. “I’ll keep that in mind. If it gets you as riled up as Minecraft did…”
  8693. >You make a little ‘and there you have it’ wave towards her
  8694. >Twilight’s eyes widen slightly as she realizes what you mean by the gesture
  8695. >She bounces the headset you handed to her up and down in her forehoof, almost like she’s testing its weight
  8696. >“Point taken, but I’m still skeptical. This other game looks like half of the videogames I’ve ever heard of.”
  8697.  
  8698.  
  8699. >Well, yeah
  8700. >The FPS market is kind of saturated, so she might get it mixed up with the rest
  8701. “At first glance, sure, but it’s in the details. The way it depicts war is something that’s not done often, and rarely done right.”
  8702. >“Okay, though I wanted to make a briefing for Princess Celestia on what human heads of state she might need to deal with. I’d scheduled myself to start on it tonight…”
  8703. >She ends the sentence by nodding back towards the door
  8704. >“Can this wait until tomorrow? 10am sharp works for me.”
  8705. >Not a chance
  8706. >There is an issue that needs to be addressed here and now
  8707. “I’m sorry, but no. This isn’t going to take that long and it’s something I think you need to see right now.”
  8708. >A strange look crosses Twilight’s face
  8709. >She looks toward the door, obviously in thought, but there’s something between reluctance and interest in there as well
  8710. “Please, just do this for me.”
  8711.  
  8712.  
  8713. >Now her face is screwing itself up into a very conflicted scrunch
  8714. >There’s an easy way to seal this deal
  8715. >You make a show of ‘absentmindedly’ scratching your thumb with your forefinger
  8716. >The scraping sound immediately draws her eyes towards your hand
  8717. >You couldn’t possibly train her to have a faster response
  8718. >Pony loves her scratchies
  8719. >She returns to eye contact with you shortly afterwards, not turning her head away from the door
  8720. >“How long?
  8721. “It's late, so less than five minutes. You can have more if you ask nicely.”
  8722. >“No, I meant the video.”
  8723. >She abruptly turns back to you
  8724. >“Not that I wouldn’t welcome a scalp massage, but- I mean, uh-”
  8725. >Scalp massage?
  8726. >Whatever she calls them, they are scratchies
  8727. >Twilight interrupts her sputtering by leaning a little to the side and reading the screen behind you
  8728. >“Nevermind. We have time for both if I work on the briefing tomorrow instead.”
  8729. >Using both forehooves, she places the headphones on her head like a tiara
  8730. >She has to tilt her head forward so it rests on her horn and between her ears
  8731. >That’ll do
  8732. >You click the ‘play’ button
  8733.  
  8734.  
  8735. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JLYwH6xmyqU
  8736. (YouTube link: The title music of Red Orchestra 2, ‘Storm Clouds Over Stalingrad.’ The entirety of this game’s music is composed by Sam Hulick of Mass Effect fame. This is a somber orchestral piece with an emphasis on violin, brass, and piano. A male choir sings in Russian that they will stand until death against the dark horde threatening their home. Listen to the music posted here in order as you read, but let one piece of music finish before starting the next.)
  8737.  
  8738. >You are Private Peter Ulrich, 29th “Falcon” Motorized Infantry Division
  8739. >You hate this country
  8740. >You hate everything about it
  8741. >The mud when it’s warm and the snow when it’s cold
  8742. >Marching through that mud and snow
  8743. >Finding your countrymen lying dead in that mud and snow after a fight
  8744. >The people who killed them
  8745. >Stalin and all of his cronies and pawns
  8746. >How stubborn they’ve become
  8747. >It had been so easy not so long ago
  8748. >It still will be easy
  8749. >The enemy is inferior and will be defeated soon
  8750. >That’s what the propaganda broadcast tells you
  8751. >You don’t much care for propaganda anymore
  8752. >You just want to skewer one of those red bastards on your bayonet
  8753.  
  8754.  
  8755. >A little over four years ago, you were a young and impressionable teen
  8756. >You tossed and turned in your bed one night, unable to get to sleep
  8757. >Your final year of school was about to begin
  8758. >You were too excited and nervous to lay still
  8759. >It didn’t help that someone had set off a string of firecrackers for some reason
  8760. >You had no idea why someone would do such a thing at that ungodly hour
  8761. >Father came home late that night
  8762. >You remember hearing him explain to mother that he had gone out drinking with some of his friends he’d made while fighting in The Great War
  8763. >He told her he had to make an unexpected visit to someone he’d overheard speaking fondly of communism in the bar, which had delayed his return home
  8764. >Eventually, you fell asleep
  8765. >You thought nothing of what you’d overheard while in bed
  8766. >You did think the new leader knew what he was doing
  8767. >He deported the perverts, the useless cripples, and the thieves who leeched off of your nation
  8768. >He made the overinflated economy normal again
  8769. >He blew a raspberry in the faces of the arrogant Francs and Brits
  8770. >Limit our navy? We’ll build submarines. You didn’t say anything about that in the treaty.
  8771. >Take the blame for the Great War? It’s not our fault you sent wave after wave of men at our trenches.
  8772. >No more than ten thousand soldiers in our military? We’ll train militiamen who can be called to serve. They aren’t in the military proper, after all.
  8773.  
  8774.  
  8775. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NpV_wEZ_bZU
  8776. (YouTube link: ‘Story of a Soldier’ from Red Orchestra 2’s soundtrack. This is a quiet piece based around the woodwinds and strings section, with some bits of snare drum to give a military vibe.)
  8777.  
  8778. >Four years ago, you were told to report to the rail station to be brought to the training grounds
  8779. >You obliged, because it’s an honor to serve and a crime to desert one’s duty
  8780. >You spent weeks learning discipline, respect, and the proper way to kill
  8781. >The bayonet exercises were exhilarating
  8782. >Parry
  8783. >Strike
  8784. >Thrust
  8785. >Feeling the rifle in your hands, shooting, learning how to use its every surface for attack and defense, how to take it apart and put it together, to take care of it, you felt as though you had found your purpose
  8786. >You were good at this
  8787. >So much so that one day in the mess hall, you heard someone snickering about how they heard you muttering the bayonet course’s instructions in your sleep
  8788. >You let them laugh
  8789. >To them, it was a joke
  8790. >To you, it was a point of pride
  8791. >What he said just meant that you were a natural
  8792.  
  8793.  
  8794. >When they told you that you were done and sent you home, the first thing father wanted to know was what you thought of the 1898 rifle
  8795. >It got him through the Great War, so you could do nothing but praise it
  8796. >You said it was better than any rifle you’d hunted with
  8797. >He told you that wasn’t a fair comparison, because the 1898 was made for hunting enemy soldiers and in a league of its own in that regard
  8798. >You laughed and agreed with him
  8799. >Mother was just happy to see you again
  8800. >She was proud to see you growing into a man, but she was worried, too
  8801. >All this militia-building could only mean one thing
  8802. >The Fatherland would send its sons to fight and die again one day
  8803. >She said it would happen, and that she feared the last time she would see you would be soon
  8804. >This wasn’t something she’d dare say in front of father
  8805. >All she ever wanted was for him to be happy and for you to be safe
  8806. >You held her tightly and told her she wouldn’t need to worry
  8807. >Her brother might not have come home from the Great War, but her son will always come home
  8808. >You told her that your country would win its next war, if you even needed to fight in it
  8809. >Part of you was already worrying that you’d lied
  8810.  
  8811.  
  8812. >A year later, you were told to report to the rail station again
  8813. >The newspapers had been worrying mother more and more
  8814. >A territory dispute was beginning in the east
  8815. >If the Poles had known what was good for them, they would have just agreed that a region which was majority-German was German for all intents and purposes
  8816. >But they didn’t
  8817. >They should have learned from the Serbs’ mistake in the Great War
  8818. >Some of their soldiers even rushed at one of your country’s communications outposts
  8819. >It’s hard to think of a worse decision for them to make
  8820. >So you went to the rail station where mother put on her best false smile for you
  8821. >You told her not to worry when she kissed you on the cheek for the fifth time in a row
  8822. >Father’s smile seemed more sincere
  8823. >He’d given you his pride and joy, “Red Nine”
  8824. >Father wasn’t much of a tinkerer, but when he was working on that little C96 pistol, he was a different man
  8825. >Something in him changed
  8826. >He seemed happier, if that's the right word to describe it
  8827.  
  8828.  
  8829. >Everything about it made him beam with nostalgia
  8830. >Again, if that's the right word for it
  8831. >He said that C96 had taken three lives in his hands
  8832. >You’d heard his stories about the first two, but never the third
  8833. >He told you that if you ever got into a situation that gave it a fourth, you’d be glad he’d done so much work on it between the wars
  8834. >Over the years, he replaced much of it with the fully automatic ‘Schnellfeuer’ C96
  8835. >To the best of his knowledge, it was the only one in the country that was both automatic and chambered in 9 millimeter
  8836. >He also told you that you should only use it full-auto with the wooden holster attached as a stock
  8837. >He couldn’t seem to decide whether jamming the inertia-operated loading system or breaking your wrist would be worse when you needed to act quickly
  8838. >He also warned you not to let anyone take it
  8839. >It would bring you luck, he said
  8840.  
  8841.  
  8842. >Almost as soon as you were assigned to a division, you nearly had it confiscated from you
  8843. >You were being issued your rifle when the logistics clerk noticed it
  8844. >He wanted you to send it home because it wasn’t within regulations
  8845. >Through some bargaining and reasoning, you managed to keep it
  8846. >You told him it used the same ammunition as the MP38, and it wouldn’t disrupt the supply chain because you didn’t plan on using it
  8847. >They told you not to expect replacement parts and keep it in your ruck
  8848. >You didn’t want to keep it where you couldn’t get to it, but you had noticed others staring enviously at it
  8849. >11th company’s commanding officer had outright asked you to give it to him when he saw it
  8850. >Not an order
  8851. >A personal favor which he allegedly intended to repay
  8852. >A request from an officer, you had learned, amounted to an order when considered in practical terms
  8853. >You also learned that officers were trained to be gentlemen
  8854. >He was disappointed when he learned that it was an heirloom, but you were never ‘asked’ by any officer he knew after that
  8855.  
  8856.  
  8857. >You got to know a few people in your squad as you were being sent off to fight
  8858. >Bert was from Erfurt, wore glasses, and liked to read almost as much as he liked to talk
  8859. >He kept asking how you managed to take your father’s pistol with you if he wasn’t allowed to take more than two novels
  8860. >He was the ammunition bearer for the machinegunner, which turned out to mean he would carry the least weight
  8861. >Dagmar was that machinegunner
  8862. >A strange name, but his accent explained everything; his family immigrated from Sweden after moving several times through Scandinavian countries
  8863. >He lived on some farm in the countryside near Altenburg, and he wasn’t the quickest
  8864. >Mentally or physically
  8865. >But you could tell that he was more than happy to put his farmer’s physique to use by carrying the MG34 and all of his ammunition wherever he went
  8866. >Speaking of accents and people who had moved into the country, Benji was an Austrian
  8867. >He was very friendly, and had a way of making anyone smile simply by his presence
  8868. >Benji might have made a good NCO if that role wasn’t already taken
  8869.  
  8870.  
  8871. >His position in the squad was as the second in command to Andreas, and he was as loyal as a dog to that man
  8872. >Apparently he’d been friends with Andreas for several years before training
  8873. >Andreas was a strict leader, but fair
  8874. >He insisted on having the machinegunner’s section of the squad near him at all times, and that everyone address each other by their first names when not in a formal situation
  8875. >Benji always seemed to do writing for him by dictation
  8876. >You never found out why
  8877. >It might have something to do with how he misspelled his own name once, but that’s just speculation
  8878. >Karl was the rifleman that rounded out the command section of the squad
  8879. >Simply put, he was a joker
  8880. >Nice guy to be around, but it seemed as if he never took anything seriously unless the squad depended on it
  8881. >It should have gotten him in trouble, but he knew what lines not to cross
  8882. >Benji and Andreas actually took a liking to him
  8883. >And he had a grease pencil
  8884. >God in heaven, did he get a lot of use out of that
  8885. >Every time you turned around, you’d see ‘Karl was here’ and a picture of someone peeking around a log scribbled onto something new
  8886. >He kept saying that he’d like to have it in so many places that others would start copying it
  8887. >That fad never caught on
  8888. >The rest of the riflemen were in the two maneuver sections
  8889. >You didn’t get much chance to meet them because of Andreas’ desire to keep the MG section within shouting distance
  8890. >In retrospect, that was probably for the best
  8891.  
  8892.  
  8893. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TsA8bDjG5m0
  8894. (YouTube link: ‘The Unstoppable Wehrmacht’ from Red Orchestra 2’s soundtrack. Starts soft with woodwinds, then a male choir sings in German about getting motivated to beat the enemy into submission. Falls into a steady, triumphant marching beat with woodwinds, brass, and strings as the music progresses.)
  8895.  
  8896.  
  8897. >Not much happened in Poland
  8898. >March here, ride a truck there, occupy that town there
  8899. >Being in a motorized division had the benefit of riding in a truck more often than marching, but victory was downright boring at times
  8900. >Standing around on guard duty was the most exciting thing that happened
  8901. >Bert told the squad of how he had doubled over a schoolyard bully with a single punch to the stomach for teasing him about his glasses
  8902. >Dagmar thought that it was good enough for a laugh, and you were inclined to agree
  8903. >Even then, it wasn’t that exciting
  8904. >The Polish Army had been defeated within a month
  8905. >You never even fired a shot
  8906. >No one shot at you, which was good
  8907. >You made a point of this in your first letter home
  8908. >You decided it was best not to mention that you were picking up smoking
  8909. >When you finally got your reply, mother seemed happy
  8910. >Father seemed happy, but also disappointed
  8911. >He was under the impression that you were going off to war, not some practice maneuvers
  8912. >You’d heard there was a war, but it was too small and too quick for the entire force to participate
  8913. >Most of the tales of combat were just rumors
  8914.  
  8915.  
  8916. >One rumor had turned out to be true
  8917. >The commanding officer of 11th company had been shot and killed by one of the locals during the occupation that followed
  8918. >In response, that company rounded up some 350 local partisans and shot them
  8919. >All you can hope is that the right people were the ones who got shot
  8920. >If not, well…
  8921. >Let’s say there’s one thing that happened last year you can be glad about
  8922. >Not long after the first letter, you received a second
  8923. >There was a newspaper clipping from home included
  8924. >You’d heard rumors
  8925. >With so many adolescents having been given rifles and instructions to act like men, you were skeptical
  8926. >You couldn’t read the local newspapers to confirm anything
  8927. >The pictures gave you an idea
  8928. >The Fatherland was at war with Britain and France as well
  8929. >There was another period of tense anticipation when you found out that the 29th was going to participate in the invasion of France
  8930. >Were you going to be thrown up against the famed Maginot Line?
  8931. >Your country had taken care to construct the best trenches of the Great War, A lesson the Francs must have taken to heart
  8932. >They spent most of the period between then and now building the best line of bunkers know to man
  8933. >But it wouldn't matter to you, if Mussolini had anything to say about it
  8934. >Allying with the Italians had provided the Wehrmacht with an unobstructed route into France
  8935. >The 29th division chased an entire army of Brits and Franks almost literally into the sea over the course of a few short months
  8936.  
  8937.  
  8938. >Granted, most of those months were just sitting around waiting for orders
  8939. >The posturing and idle threats by both sides made it more of a Sitzenkrieg than a Blitzkrieg
  8940. >Once the politics were over, you were told you could finally get off of your rump and fight an actual war
  8941. >You got to participate in it, too!
  8942. >…Sort of
  8943. >The 29th was in the reserves at the Battle of Dunkirk
  8944. >That’s about it
  8945. >Still, the Arc du Triomphe was being passed through by a literal parade of the Fatherland’s finest thanks to you
  8946. >And you weren’t in any of the pictures or newsreels of it
  8947. >Father made a point of that in another letter
  8948. >Your mother did as well, but not as harshly
  8949. >It didn’t matter
  8950. >The women here were pretty
  8951. >You hadn’t seen a real woman in months
  8952. >Poland was a nice enough place to stay for a while, but the women there weren’t something to write home about
  8953. >Neither was the food, come to think of it
  8954. >Andreas kept bringing fresh bread and cheese that the company headquarters had requisitioned from local shops
  8955. >The terms of the requisitions were never discussed publicly, but a change of pace from field rations was always welcome
  8956. >Karl even shared a bottle of wine with the squad
  8957. >Nobody knows how he got it, but again, it wasn’t the time to complain about luxuries
  8958.  
  8959.  
  8960. >Later, you were told to return to the east
  8961. >You wondered why, at first
  8962. >Rumors circulated again, but you decided you didn’t care about them
  8963. >You were headed in the general direction of home, so you requested a couple weeks of leave
  8964. >The request was granted almost immediately
  8965. >A few transfers between trains later, you were back home
  8966. >Your parents were absolutely overjoyed to see you again
  8967. >Mother almost never let go of you the whole time you were on leave
  8968. >When she did, it was usually to prepare the best meals you’d had in a long time
  8969. >On the third night home, she made a glazed ham
  8970. >Father kept asking you questions over dinner
  8971. >How is your unit? Did you really not see any combat? Are you making sure to keep Red Nine clean?
  8972. >Affirmative answers on all counts
  8973. >He was especially inquisitive about that pistol of his
  8974. >Nearly half of his questions were about it rather than you
  8975. >Do you at least practice with it? Have you noticed that it’s more trouble to assemble than disassemble? Do you think you’ll get to use it when you rejoin your unit?
  8976.  
  8977.  
  8978. >It got to the point where you asked him if he wanted it back
  8979. >Then he started getting flustered, insisting that it’s an heirloom and a good luck charm
  8980. >It’s yours now! Keep it! Let’s just hope it’s not bringing you so much luck that you’ll never use it, eh?
  8981. >You commented that it seems like it already had
  8982. >Short of the rumors of redeployment to the African front being true, it seemed like your war might be over
  8983. >Then mother stopped eating suddenly
  8984. >She swallowed once, then twice, and then said father had a hunch about what might be happening next
  8985. >Father looked reluctant to explain
  8986. >After a second he came out and said it
  8987. >Some of his old war buddies that had found positions in the new government told him that the 29th was among dozens of divisions moving eastward, and they wouldn’t be ordered to stop
  8988. >They would just keep going eastward until meeting up with Japanese forces
  8989. >Anything in between would be crushed
  8990. >You didn’t think much of what he’d said
  8991. >This was one of the rumors you’d heard before you went on leave
  8992. >Nonetheless, you pledged to make a return trip from wherever your orders sent you
  8993.  
  8994.  
  8995. >When you finally got back to your Division and squad, you got your briefing
  8996. >Your father had better connections than you thought
  8997. >The non-aggression pact with the Soviets had been broken, and Operation Barbarossa was underway to gain a new breadbasket for the Fatherland
  8998. >This was the start of a new Holy Roman Empire
  8999. >In a way, this already was a Holy Roman Empire reunion
  9000. >Romanians, Italians, Slovakians, Croatians, Hungarians…
  9001. >Even the Finns were there to give the Russians a second black eye after their triumph in the Winter War, and some French fascist volunteers if you were hearing the new rumors correctly
  9002. >By your estimate, a third of Europe was rallied behind your homeland
  9003. >You thought it was excessive if the Russians were the morons that you’d heard they are
  9004. >Their track record in recent wars hasn’t been good either
  9005.  
  9006.  
  9007. >Father once told you a war story of how he was nearly bayonetted by a Russian when his platoon was assaulted during the Great War
  9008. >A company of Russians ran at his hill through an artillery barrage
  9009. >He later discovered that this barrage was not from a battery on his side
  9010. >Between rifle fire and the barrage, less than a platoon arrived at his position
  9011. >One of them almost got the drop on father
  9012. >The Russian saw him twenty meters away before he’d been seen by father, but didn’t fire
  9013. >He just ran forwards, screaming a war cry
  9014. >“Red Nine” saw to it that the Russian didn’t get within ten meters
  9015. >When the battle was over, father searched the enemy soldier
  9016. >That Russian hadn’t been issued any ammunition and looked as though he hadn’t had a full meal in weeks
  9017. >If they were as uncoordinated now as they were then, victory would be assured
  9018. >Safety in numbers seemed to be the strategy
  9019.  
  9020.  
  9021. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YFT5V0VXxKs
  9022. (YouTube link: ‘Red Fortress’ from Red Orchestra 2’s soundtrack. Strings and brass. Starts out tense, but becomes uplifting as time goes on. As a side note, I think this game could’ve used a proper orchestration because the trumpet sounds sort of off. I wouldn’t be surprised if it’s a synthesizer.)
  9023.  
  9024. >Last year, everything was going perfectly
  9025. >Casualties were minimal
  9026. >There were a few in your company, but thankfully they were nobody you knew personally
  9027. >It only really sank in that this was a war when you saw someone from another squad take a hit
  9028. >Even though he was at least fifty meters to your side, you could almost feel the bullet when you saw it hit him in the throat
  9029. >He fell forward and bled to death within seconds, the dry dirt beneath him turning red and muddy
  9030. >Up until then, it had all been so clean
  9031. >That unlucky soldier was avenged tenfold
  9032. >You probably got your first kill around this time
  9033. >Not with your bayonet, though
  9034. >As much as you’d been itching to put that training to use, whichever kill was your first happened with the rifle itself
  9035. >It’s difficult to tell whose is whose at 400 meters
  9036. >The first one you’re pretty sure was yours was also fired on by Bert
  9037. >It was an enemy machinegunner of some sort, laying down on the grass to steady his weapon
  9038. >All you could really see of him was the dust his weapon kicked up
  9039.  
  9040.  
  9041. >Both Bert and you fired on him right after he fired a burst of his own
  9042. >Between the two of you, there were seven shots fired at him
  9043. >There would have been more if neither of you had realized he’d started laying completely still and wasn’t shooting back anymore
  9044. >Bert split that one 50/50 because you couldn’t tell whose bullet struck first
  9045. >The villages you passed through were ecstatic to see the Wehrmacht
  9046. >One of the men who could translate said that they were glad to be freed from Stalin’s cruelty
  9047. >You never went through a village more than once
  9048. >Something about Einsatzgruppen, whoever they were
  9049. >You only heard rumors about what they did
  9050. >Those rumors varied greatly
  9051. >You weren’t even sure if they were real, or just some figment of Soviet propaganda
  9052. >But one rumor you had been able to confirm was that Stalin had executed all of his top generals and was attempting to control his entire military by himself
  9053. >What an idiot!
  9054. >Truly, they must be the backwards, primitive people you’d been told of
  9055. >At the time, you thought that was something only the Russians would be dumb enough to do
  9056. >If they’re doing things to make your life easier, so be it
  9057.  
  9058.  
  9059. >Army Groups North, South, and Center were all having a grand old time in that summer
  9060. >Especially Dagmar
  9061. >Just mentioning the town of Bialystok brings an odd smile to his face
  9062. >Seventeen Soviet divisions were trying to escape an encirclement there through the town of Slonim
  9063. >It just so happened that the 29th was stationed in Slonim
  9064. >For once, your company wasn’t in reserve
  9065. >Between the 29th and four other divisions, the Soviets were stopped cold
  9066. >Your division alone accounted for sixty thousand captured enemies over the course of a few weeks
  9067. >None of them thanks to Dagmar
  9068. >He grimaced when he was mowing them down with the machine gun, calling out which person he was avenging with each burst
  9069. >It’s hard to tell whether he lost count or simply couldn’t count high enough to keep track of all his kills, but he certainly remembered all of his countrymen he’d seen dead
  9070. >And as said earlier, 12 people all shooting at the same targets hundreds of meters away doesn’t make it easy to keep track
  9071.  
  9072.  
  9073. >Sometime during the fighting, part of Slonim caught on fire
  9074. >When you asked why, Benji said it was because 11th company had the ‘honor’ of staying and waiting in the town while the rest guarded the outskirts
  9075. >Someone up high must have decided that they’d killed enough back in Poland
  9076. >Benji had an odd look on his face when you asked him exactly how the fire started
  9077. >After a few seconds, he said the fire was because the 11th was upset about missing the fighting so they took out their anger on the locals’ houses and a temple
  9078. >Then the conversation took an abrupt turn to how he hired a boy to take care of his beagle before he’d been sent to war
  9079. >Probably trying to cover for the 11th’s disgraceful behavior, but you didn’t press him on it
  9080. >Battles went on like this for a few months
  9081. >Encircle, eliminate, move on
  9082. >It was a procedure that became known as ‘kettle fighting’
  9083. >The 29th personally put the lid on the Smolensk kettle
  9084. >It felt like you were contributing to something greater than yourself
  9085. >After a while, it also felt like there was something on the horizon
  9086. >The distant drumbeat Soviet artillery got more and more active as time progressed
  9087.  
  9088.  
  9089. >Nonetheless, Smolensk, Bryansk, and Minsk fell like dominoes that had been glued to the floor
  9090. >Stubborn, but doable
  9091. >Kiev, less so
  9092. >Where some areas required a relatively quick kettle fight, Kiev required an entire siege
  9093. >Or at least that’s why you were told to hold position for two months
  9094. >Then there was Moscow
  9095. >They called it “Operation Typhoon”
  9096. >God damn it all, that’s when it went wrong
  9097. >October’s weather could be described in a single, mocking word
  9098. >Rain
  9099. >Endless rain
  9100. >All the dirt roads became impassable with mud
  9101. >If there hadn’t been so much delay this wouldn’t have been an issue
  9102. >Boiling the ‘kettle’ at Vyazma and smashing through the Mozhaisk defense line took far too long
  9103. >Mozhaisk may have been a real fortification, but Vyazma?
  9104. >That was just a town and some farms!
  9105. >And yet still, the enemy resisted hard enough to warrant two dozen divisions’ attention
  9106. >Advances that had been measured in kilometers dropped to a single kilometer at most as the year wore on
  9107. >All this delay meant you had to wait for what had been the coldest winter of your life just for the roads to freeze and the 29th’s trucks to be usable again
  9108. >And even then, most of them hadn’t been usable since August
  9109.  
  9110.  
  9111. >Between the roads’ conditions, lucky shots by the enemy, and stretched supply chains failing to deliver important parts, a quarter of them were totally inoperable
  9112. >It wasn’t uncommon to see a truck carrying a squad and a half
  9113. >Still, the advance continued for a while
  9114. >And then, one night early in December, the 29th was told to mount their trucks as quickly as possible
  9115. >You very much would have preferred to stay in your tent
  9116. >It was two in the morning, thirty degrees below zero, not your turn to do night watch, and nobody had any coats
  9117. >Word was that the rapid advance in the summer made it seem as though not very many would need to be made
  9118. >Combine that with the stretched supply lines, and nobody got whatever coats there were
  9119. >That also meant no letters from your parents
  9120. >No packages containing sweaters, either
  9121. >Andreas gave the briefing as to why you had to wake up in the middle of the night once everyone was on the road
  9122. >A motorcycle reconnaissance unit was being overrun by the enemy
  9123. >By how many, it wasn’t known
  9124.  
  9125.  
  9126. >There had been counteroffensives here and there before this
  9127. >It was almost routine
  9128. >There would be a poorly coordinated push by the enemy every couple of weeks which invariably failed
  9129. >A part of a motorized company such as yours would be sent to plug whatever gap had been made, if any
  9130. >It seemed normal enough
  9131. >Riding a truck down a snowy road on a moonlit night, farmland to the right and woods to the left
  9132. >It might have been picturesque if you weren’t half-asleep
  9133. >The idea that this time would be different hadn’t occurred to you
  9134. >You had other things to think about at the time, like frostbite, fatigue, and wanting to be further towards the front of the truck so you could hunch down behind the cab and get out of the wind
  9135. >The first clue you got was that the entire company was requested
  9136. >The second was when a shed less than half a kilometer away from the convoy exploded in a flash, followed shortly by the leading truck bursting into flames and causing a minor pile-up on the narrow, snowy road
  9137. >You were fully awake when the second explosion came from the woods and tore the rearmost truck in half
  9138.  
  9139.  
  9140. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8tl4uzttNwM
  9141. (YouTube link: ‘Red-Painted Steppe.’ Brass only, then it’s joined by woodwinds and fast-paced violin which give way to an isolated violin with faint piano as a background. Tense and desperate.)
  9142.  
  9143. >Something started punching holes in the wood walls of the truck bed
  9144. >Whatever was doing it was relentlessly loud, but you could hear a few things clearly
  9145. >Andreas was shouting to exit the truck and take cover from the woods
  9146. >Benji cursed under his breath
  9147. >Karl screamed several profanities
  9148. >Obeying the first one without hesitation took precedent
  9149. >You jumped out of the rear of the truck and crouched down behind the wheel axle
  9150. >Dagmar, Bert, Andreas, Benji, and Karl all joined you
  9151. >After that, no one else
  9152. >You could hear groaning and crying inside the truck for a few seconds after
  9153. >It was quickly drowned out by a loud tapping noise from somewhere in the forest
  9154. >The explosions had woken you up, but realizing that half of your squad and part of another had died less than a meter away made you feel something more than awake
  9155. >‘Scared’ isn’t quite the right word to describe it
  9156. >Fear is definitely a component of it, but at the same time it’s a feeling of fearlessness
  9157.  
  9158.  
  9159. >You looked toward Andreas to see what he wanted you to do, just like in the last dozen fights before this one
  9160. >You were treating this one just like the ones before it
  9161. >The enemy had just been lucky
  9162. >Caught the company unaware by coming out of the darkness, that’s all
  9163. >With one of the trucks on fire, you thought they wouldn’t have that advantage anymore
  9164. >Andreas was shouting something and gesturing toward the woods
  9165. >You could hear him say something along the lines of ‘fire at will’
  9166. >At least that’s what it sounded like over all the noise that had started
  9167. >Every able man in the convoy was already doing just that
  9168. >Bert had already taken up a position on a side of the same tire you hid behind
  9169. >You were about to join him when you saw a flash from out in the field
  9170. >The spot where the shed had been lit up for a fraction of a second
  9171. >Where there had once been a shed, there was now a tank
  9172. >You saw a streak of light trail from it into a truck four or five ahead of the one you were sheltered behind
  9173. >Even though you could feel the explosion almost as much as you heard it, it didn’t register at the time that the other truck had just as many men near it trying to fire at the woods
  9174.  
  9175.  
  9176. >So you just leaned around the wheel of the truck and leveled your rifle at the enemy in the other direction
  9177. >The woods was filled with indecisive fireflies, popping and fading into the night again
  9178. >Other than that, you couldn’t see a damn thing aside from Dagmar’s tracers
  9179. >You shot at one of the fireflies
  9180. >Then worked the bolt and shot at another
  9181. >And then again for another
  9182. >At least one of them stopped blinking
  9183. >Almost as a response, a blazing flash from inside the woods nearly blinded you
  9184. >You could just make out another tank behind it and silhouettes of running men far to each side of it
  9185. >There were a lot of men
  9186. >More than your company had guns to shoot at them with
  9187. >You knew in that moment that there was no way to win this fight
  9188. >Then the tank’s shot overturned the truck which had been behind yours in the column
  9189. >The explosion was more tangible than audible
  9190. >Even from the next truck over, it felt as though a heavyweight boxer had punched the entire left side of your body
  9191. >You blinked as it knocked you to the ground
  9192.  
  9193.  
  9194.  
  9195. >When you opened your eyes, a small shower of sparks was coming off of the undercarriage of your truck
  9196. >Something was tugging on your sleeve
  9197. >As the shower faded and you saw a tiny green light coming at you from one of the fading fireflies
  9198. >The tugging on your sleeve became an earnest pull
  9199. >It sounded and felt like a gunshot went off just beside your head
  9200. >You were on your feet again kneeling behind the same wheel of your truck, but everything was drowned out by a dissonant hum
  9201. >Bert had grabbed you and pulled you back upright
  9202. >He was trying to say something to you, but you couldn’t hear any of it over the added noise
  9203. >You nodded in thanks and returned to your position behind the truck’s wheel
  9204. >Leaning around it once more, you were presented with a gray wall of smoke
  9205. >That hadn’t been there before
  9206. >You turned to Bert for an explanation
  9207. >He wasn't there anymore
  9208.  
  9209.  
  9210. >You looked to Andreas, hoping he could tell you what was going on, but he’d already run up to you and grabbed you by the shoulder
  9211. >He shoved a metallic tube into your free hand and pointed back down the line of halted trucks
  9212. >His mouth was moving wordlessly
  9213. >Looking to where he was pointing, you tried to figure out what he meant by this
  9214. >Bert and Dagmar were running in that direction, past trucks which looked even worse for wear than usual
  9215. >Other than that, there was no-one
  9216. >No-one alive, at least
  9217. >The Soviets can’t just make people disappear
  9218. >Everyone had to have gone somewhere
  9219. >It made sense that Bert and Dagmar were headed there
  9220. >You tucked the thing Andreas gave you into your belt and ran after them
  9221. >Wherever they were going had to be better than staying there
  9222. >Even if getting there meant running between the trucks instead of hiding behind them
  9223. >It wasn’t long before you finally saw what they were running to
  9224. >A few of the trucks had managed to get turned around
  9225. >One of them was already working on pushing the two halves of the wrecked rear truck apart
  9226. >You realized at that moment that you just might live to see tomorrow
  9227.  
  9228.  
  9229.  
  9230.  
  9231. Irxu vla qlqh chur
  9232. Et tu?

The Aftershow part 1: Here Be Dragons

by AchingScaphoid

The Aftershow part 2: Carbohydrates, Capitalism, and Cute Couples

by AchingScaphoid

Long Distance: Prologue

by AchingScaphoid

LD Chapter 1: Gimme Shelter

by AchingScaphoid

LD Chapter 2: Making Connections

by AchingScaphoid