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4207 23.67 KB 418
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>Be Anon, best babysitter in Equestria
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>Be done babysitting the living tornado known as Flurry Heart
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>Seriously how did she get a chainsaw to run rampant with?
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>Ponies here couldn’t handle anything sharper than a spoon without freaking out
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>Doesn’t matter because Princess Candy Ass sure does pay good
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>20 bits an hour for 6 hours a day 4 days a week
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>You were even able to afford an apartment in the Crystal Kingdom to make your commute shorter
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>Time to get your pay for the day
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>Walking with Flurry cradled in your arm you make your way to Cadence’s room
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>You get a few odd stares as you walk down the halls, you always do
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>Probably because these ponies know just how much havoc Flurry can wreak
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>Ah well, doesn’t really matter
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>Arriving at the door you’re about to knock when you hear the faintest noise inside
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>Straining to hear you put your ear against the door, but to no avail
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>The movies made this look much simpler
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>Giving up you knock on the door
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> A muffled “Just a minute” can be heard
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>Cadence must have been shouting her ass off for you to hear that
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>A couple seconds pass before the door sings open revealing Cadence looking a little disheveled
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>”Ah Anonymous, is it that time already?”
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“’Fraid so Princess, hate to part with the little tyke but she needs her mama too.”
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>”As always Anonymous I am ever grateful you look after Flurry. Your pay as usual.”
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>Cadence simultaneously levitates Flurry from your arm and deposits a purse of bits into your hand.
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>You open up the bag to check the bits
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>Well not really, Cadence was always good on her pay
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>It just felt nice to see the fruits of your labor
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“Yup, all there Princess. As always, it’s a pleasure.”
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>You nod your head goodbye before being stopped by Princess Cadence
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>”Anonymous, wait a moment if you would. There is something I would like to ask of you.”
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>Cadence’s tone didn’t sound too happy; shit did she want to fire you?
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>She didn’t find out about how much danger Flurry’s been in did she?
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>Shit just deny, deny, deny
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“Sure Princess what did you want to ask?”
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>Okay going well, just don’t spill your spaghetti
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>”It would be best if we talked about this in private.”
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>SHIT
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>She is SO gonna fire you
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>without waiting for confirmation she turns around and walks into her room
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>taking a deep breath you follow
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>Looking inside her room Cadence had obviously hastily tried to tidy up
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>It was in worse shape than she was
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>Cadence was shuffling some paperwork on her desk and without turning spoke
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>”Anonymous have you noticed anything out of the ordinary lately?”
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>Immediately your mind is flooded with incidents from just this week alone
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>There was when Flurry got abducted by pirates
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>Rampaging Flurry with a chainsaw
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>Fluttershy getting kidnaped by a Chimaera at a picnic she, Flurry, and you were having
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“No”
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> Keep it simple, that’ll keep you together
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>”Are you sure, nopony acting suspicious or anything?”
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“Not that I’ve seen.”
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>Cadence eyes you and you begin to sweat
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>Finally after what feels like forever she speaks
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>”If you say so Anonymous, I’m sorry to have kept you. Please Enjoy your weekend, I’ll see you back on Tuesday.”
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>What?
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>That actually worked?
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>As if on auto-pilot you exit the room and head back to your apartment for the night
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>Damn you’re good
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>Be Princess Cadenza Mi Amore
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>Be rocking Flurry’s crib while thinking about what Anonymous just said
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>He hasn’t noticed his growing following?
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>Has he not seen how his follower’s gather around his apartment every night and chant?
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>Can one stallion be so thick skulled?
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>You gaze wanders to a picture of your loving hubby Shining Armor
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>You remember how long it took for him to notice your love for him
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>but this is different
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>The Princesses told you to keep an eye on Anonymous
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>To see if he is ready to join the pantheon
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>Even your niece Twilight was getting antsy
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>In terms of shear mental capacity he rivals Celestia herself
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>Power wise, he’s able to keep up with Flurry and not even you could do that
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>There are just a couple of problems
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>For one, he seems to either have no knowledge of his following or actively ignores it
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>A Princess must treat their followers with the respect and loyalty their followers have for them
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>Secondly is his following with the other races
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>For the longest time, the other races of Equis remained silent on additions to the pantheon
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>But every day you received more and more petitions to have Anonymous sent to his “rightful place” among whatever race the sender was
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>Some of them were even written in pencil, meaning they came from the highest authorities in their respective nation
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>If Equestria acknowledged Anonymous as belonging to the pantheon the other races might feel as if Anonymous was stolen from them
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>You shuddered at the thought
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>the name calling would be vicious
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>It might even erupt into another pillow war
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>You glance back down at the picture of Shinny
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>You need to rest, it’s been a long day
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>Be Anon, chilling in Casa de Anon
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>It’s been a week so you’re treating yourself
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>Apple Cider, cause it’s the closest shit to alcohol they got in this kiddy place
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>You take a swig, its tart and has a slight aftertaste
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>Not as good as the shit from Sweet Apple Acers, but you aren’t paying the inflated import tax on that.
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>One thing you miss about home is the ways to distract yourself after a long day at work
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>Maybe you should go for a walk
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>Nah, Cadence was worrying about suspicious ponies so you should probably play it safe
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>Then again the meanest thing you’ve encountered, outside your escapades with Flurry, was a mare who tried to cuddle you without asking
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>Your thoughts are interrupted by a knock on your door
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>Opening it you see one of your neighbors
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>A crystal pony named Brilliant Gleam
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>The naming conventions of this place were hard to get used to
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“Hey Gleam, your faucet leaking again?’
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>About a week after you moved here you became the go to handyman when you showed everyone you knew how to unclog a toilet
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>She shakes her head
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>”N-no not this time.”
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>Is she blushing, it’s hard to tell with how translucent crystal ponies are
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>There’s an awkward scilence for a couple of seconds
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“So… what brings you to my doorstep then?’
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>”Oh, right.”
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>Okay now she is definitely blushing
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>You swear one of these days you’ll die of a heart attack
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>Brilliant Gleam pulls out what looks to be a letter
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>”This came for you just now.”
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>taking the letter away you look for the sender’s address
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>Huh that’s strange, no sender
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>you look up to try and ask Brilliant who the sender was, but by then she’s already gone
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“Whelp little letter, looks like it’s just you and me.”
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>Sighing, you head back inside to read the letter
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>Opening it you’re not greeted by pony anthrax and instead a card
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>A Father’s day card
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>There aren’t any signatures on it so you can’t figure out who sent the card still
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>Is it Father’s day today?
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>You go check the calendar to check and sure enough the day is marked with a pre-highlighted holiday marker
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>You aren’t actually a father but you might as well be considering how childish these ponies are
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>seriously you said hell once and half of Ponyville gasped
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>the other half fainted
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>you pin the card to your fridge and decide to continue with your nighttime walk idea
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>Be Brilliant Gleam, high priestess of the cult of Dadnonymous Crystal Empire branch
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>You are over the moon
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>The All Father accepted your offering of thanks
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>You can only hope that it ends up on the sacred alter known only as “The Fridge”
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>You must let the followers know
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>The Ceremony will proceed with the All Fathers blessing
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>The time is right
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>You exit your apartment
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>Be Anonymous about 2 hours later sitting in the park
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>It may be night, but with how clear the sky is, the moon provides enough light to see
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>With nothing but the crisp night air to distract you, you begin to think
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>Why is everything here so kid friendly?
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>No booze, no sharp corners, nothing
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>Violence is extremely tame here and a scrape larger than your pinky nail is considered a life threatening injury
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>Was it always like this?
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>Do you even want to know?
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>If anyone were to know it’d be one of the Princesses
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>When you first arrived here and noticed the Kindergarten mindset you asked Celestia that same question
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>She just looked at you like she was rebooting and then moved on
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>Didn’t even acknowledge your question
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>Something’s up here but you’re not quite sure what
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>You’re interrupted from your inner monologue by the smell of something burning
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>You panic for a second looking around before seeing some ponies sitting on logs roasting marshmallows
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>you should probably head over there
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>They’ll need adult supervision
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>how’d they even start a fire?
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>Getting closer you notice some familiar faces
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>There are some of your neighbors, including Brilliant
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>There’s the Baker across the street from the castle
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>Are they singing Kumbayah? Or the pony equivalent at least
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>this is gonna be interesting
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>Be High Priestess Brilliant Gleam
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>The ceremony is in full swing
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>The sacred chants are reaching their peak
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>The flames are roasting the sacrifices nicely
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> When disaster strikes
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>Brother Knead strayed too close to the sacred pyre and has his hoof engulfed in flame
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>He wails in pain but none of the other followers intervene, lest they themselves be engulfed
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>When suddenly, as if by miracle, All Father Anonymous himself descends on brother Knead and extinguishes the fire with one simple kiss
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>You address the followers
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>”Truly this day is blessed; the All Father himself has descended from his lair to save brother Knead from his own demise.”
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>Cheers ring out from the followers as Anonymous gives a nod and sits
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>He is here to moderate the ceremony obviously
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>We must offer him a sacrifice
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>Be Anonymous
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>The Baker Knead Love had a little singe on his hoof from accidently sticking it in the campfire
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>You kissed it to ease him and pet his back to calm his crying
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>” *sniff* th-thank you Anon, it r-really hurt.”
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>Ugh your one weakness, sad ponies
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“Hey it’s alright Knead, just trying to help.”
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>How could crystal even get singed?
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>Petting Knead let you know the crystal they’re made of is really strong
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>Before you can continue down this line of thinking Brilliant walks up to you and offers you a smore
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“Aw thanks Brilliant that’s very kind of you”
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>You take the smore from her and begin to munch down
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>It’s loaded with sugar, like everything else here, but it’s good
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>”You’re welcome Anon, anything for a friend.”
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>Brilliant beams a smile at you
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>You pass the rest of the night singing campfire songs with the Ponies before bidding them goodnight
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>Taking a walk was your best decision yet
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>Be Cadence waking up the next day
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>Today you must report to Celestia on whether Anonymous is right to join the pantheon
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>Celestia herself is arriving in order to hear you reasoning
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>You’ve prepared as much as you could but it’s not enough
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>You remember what happened when the last acolyte to ascend wasn’t ready
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>Poor Sunset
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>But Anonymous isn’t an acolyte, he’s…
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>Frankly you aren’t sure what he is
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>He seems to not follow any of the rules
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>No matter how much harm comes to him, he never seems to notice
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>He seems to be able to keep up with Celestia mentally, if not surpass her in some areas
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>Areas such warfare, logic puzzles and many more
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>Is he… something more?
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>Before you can continue down this line of thought a knock shakes you back to reality
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“C-come in”
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>The door swings open to reveal
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>CELESTIA?
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“P-p-princess, how nice of you to drop by, I-I-I was just preparing…”
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>”Silence”
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>you immediately snap your mouth shut
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>”Follow me”
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>Without another word she turns and walks away
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>You know better than to keep the princess waiting so you levitate only the most important documents and follow
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>Harmony protect you
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>Be Anon, waking up around midday
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>Hey it’s your day off; you can wake up when you wanna
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>Pour yourself a big bowl of frosted Luna-O’s
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>You’re 99% certain its pure sugar but damn if it doesn’t taste good
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>As you munch you begin to recall last night
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>Man that was a fun campfire party
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>You were surprised that many ponies could stay up that late
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>Most were clocked out at 9pm exactly
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>Some of the “late night” establishment such as taverns stayed open until about 10pm and even then pony’s eyes were drooping
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>That bonfire party lasted until midnight at least
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>You had more s’mores and cider that night than any other time in your life
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>Still why didn’t Brilliant tell you about that party last night when she delivered your card?
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>She didn’t even tell you she was going
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>From your, admittedly limited, experience parties like that were a whole town kind of deal
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>Maybe the crystal ponies were just warry of you
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>After all they lived up here with a tyrant for centuries
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>At least what this world considered a tyrant
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>Still living in fear tends to make people distrust outsiders
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>You finish your cereal and go to put your dishes away
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>After that you go to check your mail
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>Down in the lobby there isn’t a soul to be seen
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>Not even the receptionist is behind her desk
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>You check your mail to see a copy of the newspaper and some miscellaneous letters
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>Unfurling the paper you see the front page headline
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>”PRINCESSES CELESTIA AND LUNA TO VISIT CRYSTAL EMPIRE TODAY”
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>Huh so the princesses are visiting, maybe you should go say hi
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>After all, it’s been some time since you saw them in person
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>Just because it’s your day off doesn’t mean you can’t visit the castle
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>And with that you head out to the castle
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>Be Brilliant Gleam, waking up with a splitting headache
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>The fog of your mind begins to fade as the events of last night’s ritual begins to come back to you
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>The chants, the sacrifices, brother Knead nearly dying, then…
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>Then your lord came and saved him
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>Truly he is the most benevolent of deities
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>But the past is the past, and you must prepare for more ceremonies
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>With the new chants passed down from your lord, the next gathering shall be even better
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>But that can wait too, for you must resume your civilian life until next you meet
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>For now you are no longer Brilliant Gleam the High Priestess
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>No, now as you slip back into the hum drum of civility, you are Brilliant Gleam the Royal Guardsmare
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>And on this shift, you are faced with both a blessing, and a curse
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>For you and your squad are to look after Flurry Heart
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>Anonymous give you the strength to look after his chosen disciple
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>It’s going to be a long day
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>Be Cadence
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>Be currently sweating your cutie mark off
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>Not only is Celestia here to judge your assessment, but her sister Luna is here too
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>Should they be displeased with your findings you could very well face banishment… or worse
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>Celestia and Luna were currently pouring over the folder of notes and letters you had compiled on Anonymous
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>They hadn’t yet asked any questions of you but that made you all the more anxious
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>Finally after what felt like ages the silence was broken
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>”Hmm, quite remarkable don’t you think sister.”
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>”INDEED ANONYMOUS SHOWS MUCH PROMISE”
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>Oh thank Harmony
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>”But…”
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>oh no
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>”… there is a problem with his… popularity… with the other races”
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>”AN ASTUTE OBSERVATION SISTER DEAR, BUT HOWEVER SHALL WE REMEDY THIS SITUATION.”
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>”Well why don’t we pose this conundrum to our gracious host”
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>Both princesses turned their heads towards you with a look that can only be considered malevolent
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“O-of course.”
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>You swallow saliva nervously and continue
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“P-perhaps we could… discus with the other races about how to handle his ascension?”
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>you tried to phrase it like a statement but your voice betrayed you
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>They both stare at you for a minute
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>”An excellent idea, don’t you think Luna?”
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>”I DO SISTER, TRULY REMARKABLE.”
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>Wait what?
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>”After all most of these races seem extremely serious about making their case, why don’t we hear them out.”
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>Is… is this actually working? Are you actually not gonna get thrown into Tartarus?
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>”And who better to put this plan into action than the mare who suggested it.”
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>Oh sweet Harmony
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>So that’s their plan
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“Of course Celestia, I would be honored”
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>You bow as it’s the only thing you can do
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>Suddenly a knock at the door draws all of your attentions
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>”You may enter”
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>A guardpony pokes their head from behind the door
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>”Sorry to interrupt your highnesses, but Anonymous is here to see you.”
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>”Ah wonderful, please send him in.”
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>Oh merciful Harmony this day just keeps getting better and better
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>Be Anon
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>Currently be waiting for the guard to come back
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>You’re getting a bit impatient but a small explosion across the room draws your attention
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>The doors are blown off their hinges when a familiar ball of energy comes barreling towards you
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>Flurry slams into your gut knocking the wind out of your sails
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“Oof … hey Flurry good to see you”
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>You strain to regain your breath as Flurry just cutely chuckles in your arms
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“Say shouldn’t there be someone watching you right now?”
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>As the words leave your lips a squad of guardponies comes rushing in to the waiting room
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>”Has anyone seen Flurry Heart?”
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“Yeah… over here”
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>You wave over the guards to come collect the little rugrat
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>”Ah Anon, thanks for the help.”
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>A guardsmare trots up to you, she seems strangely familiar
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>as you start to hand of Flurry she grabs on to your sleeve and won’t let go
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>How does she do that with just hooves?
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“Now, now flurry it’s been fun but you’ve got to go with the guards”
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>Flurry shakes her head rapidly
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>”Un-uh, Non-non”
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>You give the guardsmare an apologetic smile and turn your attention back to Flurry
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“Come on Flurry, now is not the time. It really was nice but I’m here to see your momma.”
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>Flurry just grips even tighter at your words
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>”He’s right Flurry it’s your lunchtime, and then a nap. Doesn’t that sound nice?”
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>Oh boy, lunchtime with Flurry was always a chore; it must be hell on these tiny ponies
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>”NON-NON, NON-NON”
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>Flurry is really starting to get on your nerves
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>Time to break out the big guns
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“Flurry, go eat lunch with the nice mare… now.”
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>It always makes you feel bad to use your “dad voice” but it’s for the best
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>As you’re speaking you see some of the ponies around you flinch, and Flurry stops screaming
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>Flurry looks at you and
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>Oh good god no… she’s gonna cry
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>Her eyes well up and…
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>”W-W-W-WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH.”
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>Oh god, oh fuck, this is bad. Like up shitscreek bad.
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>Think Anon think
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“Uh… uh…Hey Flurry after I’m done talking with you mom… uh we can go get some pasteries.”
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>Really faggot that’s the best you can come up with
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>Shut up brain it was you who came up with it
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>While you’re having an internal monologue you begin to notice the crying suddenly fades into sniffling
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>”P-pwoma?”
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“Yeah Flurry I promise.”
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>Flurry, still somewhat sad, releases her death grip on your sleeve and gets on the back of the Guardsmare
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>”Thanks Anon we were having a lot of trouble handling her.”
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“Sure, no problem.”
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>As the guard carries Flurry on her back, Flurry turns and waves at you
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>”Bye, Non-non”
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>You give her a small wave as they exit the now destroyed doorway
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>From the opposite door another guard enters
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>”Anonymous, the princesses will see you now. Please follow me.”
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>That’s your cue
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>Time to go say hi
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>And maybe tell Cadence about the door…
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>Nah
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>Be Guardsmare Brilliant Gleam
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>Be feeding Flurry Heart
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>You were not expecting to see your lord Dadnonymous today
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>His chosen disciple Flurry must have sensed his arrival because of the bond they share
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>You remember vividly his demeanor when he was scolding the chosen disciple
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>You shudder at the thought as you remember how his voice pierced the veil of reality showing, if only for a moment, his wrath
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>Even you, versed as you are in peering behind the veil, were shaken deep to your core
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>The pressure he exerted nearly broke you, luckily your guard training helped you hold firm
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>Then it disappeared as quickly as it came
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>It let up so quickly you almost thought it was never there
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>Flurry burps as she finishes up her meal of mashed carrots and hay
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>Time to put Cadence’s spawn to bed
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>As you make your way to Flurry’s room a thought crosses your mind
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>Is Flurry truly the spawn of Cadence and Shining Armor?
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>You have no doubt the love goddess is the mother to this child, but could a mortal stallion like Shining Armor really help in conceiving this child?
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>Flurry has far too much power and energy
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>Even when factoring in that Shining is one of the most powerful unicorns out there, the raw power and near limitless energy Flurry displays is far too much
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>As you’re tucking in Flurry you notice some arcane symbols scrawled on parchment strewn about
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>they’re crude but… familiar
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>you’ve seen these symbols before…
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>Anonymous
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>Of course, it all makes sense
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>Be Anon
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>Be currently looking at what apparently is a top secret meeting of the princesses
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>It’s honestly just a glorified tea party
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>You notice a small folder with the words “SUPER SECRET DOCUMENTS’ written in crayon with little hearts and flowers drawn around it
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“Afternoon Princess Celestia it’s a lovely day isn’t it”
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>Celestia gives you a warm smile
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>”Ah Anonymous what a pleasure it is to see you, it has been too long.”
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“I agree princess but working with Flurry keeps me pretty tide up”
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>Sometimes literally
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>You let out a small chuckle and look over at Luna who seems to be pouting a little
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“And Princess Luna, did you honestly think I forgot you?”
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>”Thou couldst have made it a tad more obvious.”
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>Luna huffs a little but seems to ease up a little
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“Do you princesses mind if I sit down?”
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>”Not at all Anonymous, and do help yourself to the refreshments.”
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>You grab a seat opposite Celestia
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>Since you arrived here the only creature that has a similar mindset to you has been Celestia
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>It makes a bit of sense considering she’s just about the oldest living being on the planet
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>Even then she still displayed some childlike mentality
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>”So Anonymous what have you been doing with Flurry that keeps you so occupied
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>Ah shit, quick think of something non conspicuous
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“Oh you know, this and that”
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>”Forgive our ignorance sir Anonymous, but we do not. After all tis why our sister posed the question.”
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>Crap, Luna’s got you there
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“Well, I have been teaching Flurry cursive. It’s slow going, but we’re making good progress.”
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>Great save Anon
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>At least it would have been, if the Princesses didn’t look at you like deer caught in your headlights
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>”C-cursive”
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>”But Anonymous, cursive is so challenging.”
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>”Indeed, and for you to start her so young… truly it is too much for her.”
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>You expected some surprise but not in this way
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“Actually she’s really gotten the hang of it. She can even write her own name. I mean sure her penmanship is a little sloppy but she’s still young, she’ll improve with time.”
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>The princesses turn to look at each other then back to you
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>Princess Celestia speaks up
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>”If you’re certain Anonymous, but please go easy on Flurry.”
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“I assure you Princess; I’ll take the lessons slow.”
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>You pass some time talking about various non-topics
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“Well, it was great talking with you Princesses; we really should do this again sometime.”
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>”Of course Anonymous it’s always lovely seeing you.”
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>”Indeed, we shall miss thee.”
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>You wave goodbye to them and start walking away
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>You still have one more pony to see today
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>Flurry Heart is gonna love Knead’s pastries
by Anonstigator
by Anonstigator
by Anonstigator
by Anonstigator