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Eldritch Anon in Kinderquestria Ch 1

By Anonstigator
Created: 1st November 2020 12:54:12 AM

  1. >Be Anon, best babysitter in Equestria
  2. >Be done babysitting the living tornado known as Flurry Heart
  3. >Seriously how did she get a chainsaw to run rampant with?
  4. >Ponies here couldn’t handle anything sharper than a spoon without freaking out
  5. >Doesn’t matter because Princess Candy Ass sure does pay good
  6. >20 bits an hour for 6 hours a day 4 days a week
  7. >You were even able to afford an apartment in the Crystal Kingdom to make your commute shorter
  8. >Time to get your pay for the day
  9. >Walking with Flurry cradled in your arm you make your way to Cadence’s room
  10. >You get a few odd stares as you walk down the halls, you always do
  11. >Probably because these ponies know just how much havoc Flurry can wreak
  12. >Ah well, doesn’t really matter
  13. >Arriving at the door you’re about to knock when you hear the faintest noise inside
  14. >Straining to hear you put your ear against the door, but to no avail
  15. >The movies made this look much simpler
  16. >Giving up you knock on the door
  17. > A muffled “Just a minute” can be heard
  18. >Cadence must have been shouting her ass off for you to hear that
  19. >A couple seconds pass before the door sings open revealing Cadence looking a little disheveled
  20. >”Ah Anonymous, is it that time already?”
  21. “’Fraid so Princess, hate to part with the little tyke but she needs her mama too.”
  22. >”As always Anonymous I am ever grateful you look after Flurry. Your pay as usual.”
  23. >Cadence simultaneously levitates Flurry from your arm and deposits a purse of bits into your hand.
  24. >You open up the bag to check the bits
  25. >Well not really, Cadence was always good on her pay
  26. >It just felt nice to see the fruits of your labor
  27. “Yup, all there Princess. As always, it’s a pleasure.”
  28. >You nod your head goodbye before being stopped by Princess Cadence
  29. >”Anonymous, wait a moment if you would. There is something I would like to ask of you.”
  30. >Cadence’s tone didn’t sound too happy; shit did she want to fire you?
  31. >She didn’t find out about how much danger Flurry’s been in did she?
  32. >Shit just deny, deny, deny
  33. “Sure Princess what did you want to ask?”
  34. >Okay going well, just don’t spill your spaghetti
  35. >”It would be best if we talked about this in private.”
  36. >SHIT
  37. >She is SO gonna fire you
  38. >without waiting for confirmation she turns around and walks into her room
  39. >taking a deep breath you follow
  40. >Looking inside her room Cadence had obviously hastily tried to tidy up
  41. >It was in worse shape than she was
  42. >Cadence was shuffling some paperwork on her desk and without turning spoke
  43. >”Anonymous have you noticed anything out of the ordinary lately?”
  44. >Immediately your mind is flooded with incidents from just this week alone
  45. >There was when Flurry got abducted by pirates
  46. >Rampaging Flurry with a chainsaw
  47. >Fluttershy getting kidnaped by a Chimaera at a picnic she, Flurry, and you were having
  48. “No”
  49. > Keep it simple, that’ll keep you together
  50. >”Are you sure, nopony acting suspicious or anything?”
  51. “Not that I’ve seen.”
  52. >Cadence eyes you and you begin to sweat
  53. >Finally after what feels like forever she speaks
  54. >”If you say so Anonymous, I’m sorry to have kept you. Please Enjoy your weekend, I’ll see you back on Tuesday.”
  55. >What?
  56. >That actually worked?
  57. >As if on auto-pilot you exit the room and head back to your apartment for the night
  58. >Damn you’re good
  59.  
  60. >Be Princess Cadenza Mi Amore
  61. >Be rocking Flurry’s crib while thinking about what Anonymous just said
  62. >He hasn’t noticed his growing following?
  63. >Has he not seen how his follower’s gather around his apartment every night and chant?
  64. >Can one stallion be so thick skulled?
  65. >You gaze wanders to a picture of your loving hubby Shining Armor
  66. >You remember how long it took for him to notice your love for him
  67. >but this is different
  68. >The Princesses told you to keep an eye on Anonymous
  69. >To see if he is ready to join the pantheon
  70. >Even your niece Twilight was getting antsy
  71. >In terms of shear mental capacity he rivals Celestia herself
  72. >Power wise, he’s able to keep up with Flurry and not even you could do that
  73. >There are just a couple of problems
  74. >For one, he seems to either have no knowledge of his following or actively ignores it
  75. >A Princess must treat their followers with the respect and loyalty their followers have for them
  76. >Secondly is his following with the other races
  77. >For the longest time, the other races of Equis remained silent on additions to the pantheon
  78. >But every day you received more and more petitions to have Anonymous sent to his “rightful place” among whatever race the sender was
  79. >Some of them were even written in pencil, meaning they came from the highest authorities in their respective nation
  80. >If Equestria acknowledged Anonymous as belonging to the pantheon the other races might feel as if Anonymous was stolen from them
  81. >You shuddered at the thought
  82. >the name calling would be vicious
  83. >It might even erupt into another pillow war
  84. >You glance back down at the picture of Shinny
  85. >You need to rest, it’s been a long day      
  86.  
  87. >Be Anon, chilling in Casa de Anon
  88. >It’s been a week so you’re treating yourself
  89. >Apple Cider, cause it’s the closest shit to alcohol they got in this kiddy place
  90. >You take a swig, its tart and has a slight aftertaste
  91. >Not as good as the shit from Sweet Apple Acers, but you aren’t paying the inflated import tax on that.
  92. >One thing you miss about home is the ways to distract yourself after a long day at work
  93. >Maybe you should go for a walk
  94. >Nah, Cadence was worrying about suspicious ponies so you should probably play it safe
  95. >Then again the meanest thing you’ve encountered, outside your escapades with Flurry, was a mare who tried to cuddle you without asking
  96. >Your thoughts are interrupted by a knock on your door
  97. >Opening it you see one of your neighbors
  98. >A crystal pony named Brilliant Gleam
  99. >The naming conventions of this place were hard to get used to
  100. “Hey Gleam, your faucet leaking again?’
  101. >About a week after you moved here you became the go to handyman when you showed everyone you knew how to unclog a toilet
  102. >She shakes her head
  103. >”N-no not this time.”
  104. >Is she blushing, it’s hard to tell with how translucent crystal ponies are
  105. >There’s an awkward scilence for a couple of seconds
  106. “So… what brings you to my doorstep then?’
  107. >”Oh, right.”
  108. >Okay now she is definitely blushing
  109. >You swear one of these days you’ll die of a heart attack
  110. >Brilliant Gleam pulls out what looks to be a letter
  111. >”This came for you just now.”
  112. >taking the letter away you look for the sender’s address
  113. >Huh that’s strange, no sender
  114. >you look up to try and ask Brilliant who the sender was, but by then she’s already gone
  115. “Whelp little letter, looks like it’s just you and me.”
  116. >Sighing, you head back inside to read the letter
  117. >Opening it you’re not greeted by pony anthrax and instead a card
  118. >A Father’s day card
  119. >There aren’t any signatures on it so you can’t figure out who sent the card still
  120. >Is it Father’s day today?
  121. >You go check the calendar to check and sure enough the day is marked with a pre-highlighted holiday marker
  122. >You aren’t actually a father but you might as well be considering how childish these ponies are
  123. >seriously you said hell once and half of Ponyville gasped
  124. >the other half fainted
  125. >you pin the card to your fridge and decide to continue with your nighttime walk idea
  126.  
  127. >Be Brilliant Gleam, high priestess of the cult of Dadnonymous Crystal Empire branch
  128. >You are over the moon
  129. >The All Father accepted your offering of thanks
  130. >You can only hope that it ends up on the sacred alter known only as “The Fridge”
  131. >You must let the followers know
  132. >The Ceremony will proceed with the All Fathers blessing
  133. >The time is right
  134. >You exit your apartment
  135.  
  136. >Be Anonymous about 2 hours later sitting in the park
  137. >It may be night, but with how clear the sky is, the moon provides enough light to see
  138. >With nothing but the crisp night air to distract you, you begin to think
  139. >Why is everything here so kid friendly?
  140. >No booze, no sharp corners, nothing
  141. >Violence is extremely tame here and a scrape larger than your pinky nail is considered a life threatening injury
  142. >Was it always like this?
  143. >Do you even want to know?
  144. >If anyone were to know it’d be one of the Princesses
  145. >When you first arrived here and noticed the Kindergarten mindset you asked Celestia that same question
  146. >She just looked at you like she was rebooting and then moved on
  147. >Didn’t even acknowledge your question
  148. >Something’s up here but you’re not quite sure what
  149. >You’re interrupted from your inner monologue by the smell of something burning
  150. >You panic for a second looking around before seeing some ponies sitting on logs roasting marshmallows
  151. >you should probably head over there
  152. >They’ll need adult supervision
  153. >how’d they even start a fire?
  154. >Getting closer you notice some familiar faces
  155. >There are some of your neighbors, including Brilliant
  156. >There’s the Baker across the street from the castle
  157. >Are they singing Kumbayah? Or the pony equivalent at least
  158. >this is gonna be interesting
  159.        
  160. >Be High Priestess Brilliant Gleam
  161. >The ceremony is in full swing
  162. >The sacred chants are reaching their peak
  163. >The flames are roasting the sacrifices nicely
  164. > When disaster strikes
  165. >Brother Knead strayed too close to the sacred pyre and has his hoof engulfed in flame
  166. >He wails in pain but none of the other followers intervene, lest they themselves be engulfed
  167. >When suddenly, as if by miracle, All Father Anonymous himself descends on brother Knead and extinguishes the fire with one simple kiss
  168. >You address the followers
  169. >”Truly this day is blessed; the All Father himself has descended from his lair to save brother Knead from his own demise.”
  170. >Cheers ring out from the followers as Anonymous gives a nod and sits
  171. >He is here to moderate the ceremony obviously
  172. >We must offer him a sacrifice
  173.  
  174. >Be Anonymous
  175. >The Baker Knead Love had a little singe on his hoof from accidently sticking it in the campfire
  176. >You kissed it to ease him and pet his back to calm his crying
  177. >” *sniff* th-thank you Anon, it r-really hurt.”
  178. >Ugh your one weakness, sad ponies
  179. “Hey it’s alright Knead, just trying to help.”
  180. >How could crystal even get singed?
  181. >Petting Knead let you know the crystal they’re made of is really strong
  182. >Before you can continue down this line of thinking Brilliant walks up to you and offers you a smore
  183. “Aw thanks Brilliant that’s very kind of you”
  184. >You take the smore from her and begin to munch down
  185. >It’s loaded with sugar, like everything else here, but it’s good
  186. >”You’re welcome Anon, anything for a friend.”
  187. >Brilliant beams a smile at you
  188. >You pass the rest of the night singing campfire songs with the Ponies before bidding them goodnight
  189. >Taking a walk was your best decision yet
  190. >Be Cadence waking up the next day
  191. >Today you must report to Celestia on whether Anonymous is right to join the pantheon
  192. >Celestia herself is arriving in order to hear you reasoning
  193. >You’ve prepared as much as you could but it’s not enough
  194. >You remember what happened when the last acolyte to ascend wasn’t ready
  195. >Poor Sunset
  196. >But Anonymous isn’t an acolyte, he’s…
  197. >Frankly you aren’t sure what he is
  198. >He seems to not follow any of the rules
  199. >No matter how much harm comes to him, he never seems to notice
  200. >He seems to be able to keep up with Celestia mentally, if not surpass her in some areas
  201. >Areas such warfare, logic puzzles and many more
  202. >Is he… something more?
  203. >Before you can continue down this line of thought a knock shakes you back to reality
  204. “C-come in”
  205. >The door swings open to reveal
  206. >CELESTIA?
  207. “P-p-princess, how nice of you to drop by, I-I-I was just preparing…”
  208. >”Silence”
  209. >you immediately snap your mouth shut
  210. >”Follow me”
  211. >Without another word she turns and walks away
  212. >You know better than to keep the princess waiting so you levitate only the most important documents and follow
  213. >Harmony protect you
  214. >Be Anon, waking up around midday
  215. >Hey it’s your day off; you can wake up when you wanna
  216. >Pour yourself a big bowl of frosted Luna-O’s
  217. >You’re 99% certain its pure sugar but damn if it doesn’t taste good
  218. >As you munch you begin to recall last night
  219. >Man that was a fun campfire party
  220. >You were surprised that many ponies could stay up that late
  221. >Most were clocked out at 9pm exactly
  222. >Some of the “late night” establishment such as taverns stayed open until about 10pm and even then pony’s eyes were drooping
  223. >That bonfire party lasted until midnight at least
  224. >You had more s’mores and cider that night than any other time in your life
  225. >Still why didn’t Brilliant tell you about that party last night when she delivered your card?
  226. >She didn’t even tell you she was going
  227. >From your, admittedly limited, experience parties like that were a whole town kind of deal
  228. >Maybe the crystal ponies were just warry of you
  229. >After all they lived up here with a tyrant for centuries
  230. >At least what this world considered a tyrant
  231. >Still living in fear tends to make people distrust outsiders
  232. >You finish your cereal and go to put your dishes away
  233. >After that you go to check your mail
  234. >Down in the lobby there isn’t a soul to be seen
  235. >Not even the receptionist is behind her desk
  236. >You check your mail to see a copy of the newspaper and some miscellaneous letters
  237. >Unfurling the paper you see the front page headline
  238. >”PRINCESSES CELESTIA AND LUNA TO VISIT CRYSTAL EMPIRE TODAY”
  239. >Huh so the princesses are visiting, maybe you should go say hi
  240. >After all, it’s been some time since you saw them in person
  241. >Just because it’s your day off doesn’t mean you can’t visit the castle
  242. >And with that you head out to the castle
  243.  
  244. >Be Brilliant Gleam, waking up with a splitting headache
  245. >The fog of your mind begins to fade as the events of last night’s ritual begins to come back to you
  246. >The chants, the sacrifices, brother Knead nearly dying, then…
  247. >Then your lord came and saved him
  248. >Truly he is the most benevolent of deities
  249. >But the past is the past, and you must prepare for more ceremonies
  250. >With the new chants passed down from your lord, the next gathering shall be even better
  251. >But that can wait too, for you must resume your civilian life until next you meet
  252. >For now you are no longer Brilliant Gleam the High Priestess
  253. >No, now as you slip back into the hum drum of civility, you are Brilliant Gleam the Royal Guardsmare
  254. >And on this shift, you are faced with both a blessing, and a curse
  255. >For you and your squad are to look after Flurry Heart
  256. >Anonymous give you the strength to look after his chosen disciple
  257. >It’s going to be a long day
  258.  
  259. >Be Cadence
  260. >Be currently sweating your cutie mark off
  261. >Not only is Celestia here to judge your assessment, but her sister Luna is here too
  262. >Should they be displeased with your findings you could very well face banishment… or worse
  263. >Celestia and Luna were currently pouring over the folder of notes and letters you had compiled on Anonymous
  264. >They hadn’t yet asked any questions of you but that made you all the more anxious
  265. >Finally after what felt like ages the silence was broken
  266. >”Hmm, quite remarkable don’t you think sister.”
  267. >”INDEED ANONYMOUS SHOWS MUCH PROMISE”
  268. >Oh thank Harmony
  269. >”But…”
  270. >oh no
  271. >”… there is a problem with his… popularity… with the other races”
  272. >”AN ASTUTE OBSERVATION SISTER DEAR, BUT HOWEVER SHALL WE REMEDY THIS SITUATION.”
  273. >”Well why don’t we pose this conundrum to our gracious host”
  274. >Both princesses turned their heads towards you with a look that can only be considered malevolent
  275. “O-of course.”
  276. >You swallow saliva nervously and continue
  277. “P-perhaps we could… discus with the other races about how to handle his ascension?”
  278. >you tried to phrase it like a statement but your voice betrayed you
  279. >They both stare at you for a minute
  280. >”An excellent idea, don’t you think Luna?”
  281. >”I DO SISTER, TRULY REMARKABLE.”
  282. >Wait what?
  283. >”After all most of these races seem extremely serious about making their case, why don’t we hear them out.”
  284. >Is… is this actually working? Are you actually not gonna get thrown into Tartarus?
  285. >”And who better to put this plan into action than the mare who suggested it.”
  286. >Oh sweet Harmony
  287. >So that’s their plan
  288. “Of course Celestia, I would be honored”
  289. >You bow as it’s the only thing you can do
  290. >Suddenly a knock at the door draws all of your attentions
  291. >”You may enter”
  292. >A guardpony pokes their head from behind the door
  293. >”Sorry to interrupt your highnesses, but Anonymous is here to see you.”
  294. >”Ah wonderful, please send him in.”
  295. >Oh merciful Harmony this day just keeps getting better and better
  296.  
  297.  
  298. >Be Anon
  299. >Currently be waiting for the guard to come back
  300. >You’re getting a bit impatient but a small explosion across the room draws your attention
  301. >The doors are blown off their hinges when a familiar ball of energy comes barreling towards you
  302. >Flurry slams into your gut knocking the wind out of your sails
  303. “Oof … hey Flurry good to see you”
  304. >You strain to regain your breath as Flurry just cutely chuckles in your arms
  305. “Say shouldn’t there be someone watching you right now?”
  306. >As the words leave your lips a squad of guardponies comes rushing in to the waiting room
  307. >”Has anyone seen Flurry Heart?”
  308. “Yeah… over here”
  309. >You wave over the guards to come collect the little rugrat
  310. >”Ah Anon, thanks for the help.”
  311. >A guardsmare trots up to you, she seems strangely familiar
  312. >as you start to hand of Flurry she grabs on to your sleeve and won’t let go
  313. >How does she do that with just hooves?
  314. “Now, now flurry it’s been fun but you’ve got to go with the guards”
  315. >Flurry shakes her head rapidly
  316. >”Un-uh, Non-non”
  317. >You give the guardsmare an apologetic smile and turn your attention back to Flurry
  318. “Come on Flurry, now is not the time. It really was nice but I’m here to see your momma.”
  319. >Flurry just grips even tighter at your words
  320. >”He’s right Flurry it’s your lunchtime, and then a nap. Doesn’t that sound nice?”
  321. >Oh boy, lunchtime with Flurry was always a chore; it must be hell on these tiny ponies
  322. >”NON-NON, NON-NON”
  323. >Flurry is really starting to get on your nerves
  324. >Time to break out the big guns
  325. “Flurry, go eat lunch with the nice mare… now.”
  326. >It always makes you feel bad to use your “dad voice” but it’s for the best
  327. >As you’re speaking you see some of the ponies around you flinch, and Flurry stops screaming
  328. >Flurry looks at you and
  329. >Oh good god no… she’s gonna cry
  330. >Her eyes well up and…
  331. >”W-W-W-WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH.”
  332. >Oh god, oh fuck, this is bad. Like up shitscreek bad.
  333. >Think Anon think
  334. “Uh… uh…Hey Flurry after I’m done talking with you mom… uh we can go get some pasteries.”
  335. >Really faggot that’s the best you can come up with
  336. >Shut up brain it was you who came up with it
  337. >While you’re having an internal monologue you begin to notice the crying suddenly fades into sniffling
  338. >”P-pwoma?”
  339. “Yeah Flurry I promise.”
  340. >Flurry, still somewhat sad, releases her death grip on your sleeve and gets on the back of the Guardsmare
  341. >”Thanks Anon we were having a lot of trouble handling her.”
  342. “Sure, no problem.”
  343. >As the guard carries Flurry on her back, Flurry turns and waves at you
  344. >”Bye, Non-non”
  345. >You give her a small wave as they exit the now destroyed doorway
  346. >From the opposite door another guard enters
  347. >”Anonymous, the princesses will see you now. Please follow me.”
  348. >That’s your cue
  349. >Time to go say hi
  350. >And maybe tell Cadence about the door…
  351. >Nah
  352.  
  353. >Be Guardsmare Brilliant Gleam
  354. >Be feeding Flurry Heart
  355. >You were not expecting to see your lord Dadnonymous today
  356. >His chosen disciple Flurry must have sensed his arrival because of the bond they share
  357. >You remember vividly his demeanor when he was scolding the chosen disciple
  358. >You shudder at the thought as you remember how his voice pierced the veil of reality showing, if only for a moment, his wrath
  359. >Even you, versed as you are in peering behind the veil, were shaken deep to your core
  360. >The pressure he exerted nearly broke you, luckily your guard training helped you hold firm
  361. >Then it disappeared as quickly as it came             
  362. >It let up so quickly you almost thought it was never there
  363. >Flurry burps as she finishes up her meal of mashed carrots and hay
  364. >Time to put Cadence’s spawn to bed
  365. >As you make your way to Flurry’s room a thought crosses your mind
  366. >Is Flurry truly the spawn of Cadence and Shining Armor?
  367. >You have no doubt the love goddess is the mother to this child, but could a mortal stallion like Shining Armor really help in conceiving this child?
  368. >Flurry has far too much power and energy
  369. >Even when factoring in that Shining is one of the most powerful unicorns out there, the raw power and near limitless energy Flurry displays is far too much
  370. >As you’re tucking in Flurry you notice some arcane symbols scrawled on parchment strewn about
  371. >they’re crude but… familiar
  372. >you’ve seen these symbols before…
  373. >Anonymous
  374. >Of course, it all makes sense
  375.  
  376. >Be Anon
  377. >Be currently looking at what apparently is a top secret meeting of the princesses
  378. >It’s honestly just a glorified tea party
  379. >You notice a small folder with the words “SUPER SECRET DOCUMENTS’ written in crayon with little hearts and flowers drawn around it
  380. “Afternoon Princess Celestia it’s a lovely day isn’t it”
  381. >Celestia gives you a warm smile
  382. >”Ah Anonymous what a pleasure it is to see you, it has been too long.”
  383. “I agree princess but working with Flurry keeps me pretty tide up”
  384. >Sometimes literally
  385. >You let out a small chuckle and look over at Luna who seems to be pouting a little
  386. “And Princess Luna, did you honestly think I forgot you?”
  387. >”Thou couldst have made it a tad more obvious.”
  388. >Luna huffs a little but seems to ease up a little
  389. “Do you princesses mind if I sit down?”
  390. >”Not at all Anonymous, and do help yourself to the refreshments.”
  391. >You grab a seat opposite Celestia
  392. >Since you arrived here the only creature that has a similar mindset to you has been Celestia
  393. >It makes a bit of sense considering she’s just about the oldest living being on the planet
  394. >Even then she still displayed some childlike mentality
  395. >”So Anonymous what have you been doing with Flurry that keeps you so occupied
  396. >Ah shit, quick think of something non conspicuous
  397. “Oh you know, this and that”
  398. >”Forgive our ignorance sir Anonymous, but we do not. After all tis why our sister posed the question.”
  399. >Crap, Luna’s got you there
  400. “Well, I have been teaching Flurry cursive. It’s slow going, but we’re making good progress.”
  401. >Great save Anon
  402. >At least it would have been, if the Princesses didn’t look at you like deer caught in your headlights
  403. >”C-cursive”       
  404. >”But Anonymous, cursive is so challenging.”
  405. >”Indeed, and for you to start her so young… truly it is too much for her.”
  406. >You expected some surprise but not in this way
  407. “Actually she’s really gotten the hang of it. She can even write her own name. I mean sure her penmanship is a little sloppy but she’s still young, she’ll improve with time.”
  408. >The princesses turn to look at each other then back to you
  409. >Princess Celestia speaks up
  410. >”If you’re certain Anonymous, but please go easy on Flurry.”
  411. “I assure you Princess; I’ll take the lessons slow.”
  412. >You pass some time talking about various non-topics
  413. “Well, it was great talking with you Princesses; we really should do this again sometime.”
  414. >”Of course Anonymous it’s always lovely seeing you.”
  415. >”Indeed, we shall miss thee.”
  416. >You wave goodbye to them and start walking away
  417. >You still have one more pony to see today
  418. >Flurry Heart is gonna love Knead’s pastries
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