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3699 22.39 KB 403
Saxton Hale's shenanigans with Miss Eri - Not finished
By X-RoadsCreated: 2021-04-30 02:45:15
Expiry: Never
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>*BANG* *BANG* *BANG*
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>Ugh...
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>W-What in tartarus?
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>*BANG* *BANG* *BANG*
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>Is that... Is that coming from your front door?
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>Sluggishly, you raise from your slumber and rub your eyes, looking around in your room in confusion and surprise.
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>*BANG* *BANG* *BANG*
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>Y-Yeah... Sounds like it.
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>But who in the name of the celestial sisters could that be?
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>It's only... Uhm.
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>How late is it anyway?
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>Rubbing your tired eyes, you take a look at the clock mounted on the wall opposite of your bed, your vision still a bit blurred from all the wine you instilled yourself last night.
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>But with a bit of more dedicated rubbing and kneading, you're able to convince your eyes to get aligned properly and see straight again.
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>Aaaah... Wonderful. So let's see...
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>What?
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>It's almost noon?
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>B-Buck! You overslept!
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>You wanted to be far, far away by now already! At least in Canterlot, if not further!
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>Why didn't your alarm wake you?!
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>Panicked and startled, you reach for your alarm clock, frenetically turning it in your hooves.
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>It's... It's turned off?!
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>But you remember winding its spring and setting the time and what not before going to bed!
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>How in Equestria did this happen?!
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>*BANG* *BANG* *BANG*
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>Jumping on your four hooves, you push yourself out of your bed and rush out of the bedroom, ignoring all the empty wine bottles you intended to throw away before you leave.
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>Sadly, there is absolutely no time for this now!
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>You now know exactly who is assaulting your humble home's door!
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>”What's the matter, small grey horse? Are you not awake yet?”, a loud voice bellows from beyond your windows.
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>It's him!
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>And he wants to spend the day with you!
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>”It's me! Saxton! Your good friend!”
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>Oh please no! Celestia please!
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>If you love this mare, please let her escape from this madpony, or madman or whatever he likes to call himself!
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>Almost tripping over your hooves, you somehow manage to stumble down the stairs without hurting yourself and begin to bolt towards the backdoor.
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>”Oh, I see!”, you hear his deep voice resound from behind you, “You want one of my more extraordinary entrances again? No problem, Eri!”
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>Just a few yards more and you are free!
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>Don't give up!
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>You can make it!
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>Just believe in yourself, Eri!
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>”And don't worry about your house, mate!”, you feel the floor rumbling beneath you, “Of course I will pay for any property damages!”
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>Property damages?
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>Oh by Celestia's and Luna's glorious flanks, please do no-
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>”DRAMATIC ENTRANCE!”
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>But before you were even able to finish that thought, you get deafened by a loud crashing sound and your vision gets engulfed by a cloud of dust and debris.
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“Whaaaaaargh!”, you yell and shield your face from the incoming shower of wooden splinters.
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>”Hahaha!”
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>Oh no.
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>”There you are, tiny mare!”
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>This is it.
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>”Did you try to run away from me?”
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>Your end.
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“U-Uhm...”, you stammer, wiping the dust off your face, “N-No?”
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>”Wonderful!”, he barks and pounds his hairy chest, “Because it sure looked like that!”
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“I... I would...”, you shoot him an awkward smile, “I would never!”
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>”Nice! So how ya going, mate?”
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“G-Good?”
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>”Did you sleep well?”
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“Kinda...”
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>”Perfect!”, he laughs, “Because I sure got a hell of a day planned out for us!”
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“You... You did?”
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>”True blue!”
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“W-What?”
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>”Ah... How adorable!”, he chuckles and pinches your cheek, “Still pretending you don't understand me!”
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“What?”
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>”You look a bit beaten up, though. What's up with that, mate?”
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“You crashed trough my roof...”
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>”Nonsense!”, he laughs and slaps his belly, “That was just my dramatic entrance! No need to get hurt over that!”
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>Tittering, he reaches into his shorts and pulls out a bottle of pills.
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>”This is Mann Co. patented flesh and bone mending medicine! It will heal ya right up! Fair dinkum!”
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“Fair dink-”, you try to say, but before you even manage to do that, Saxton already shoved a handful of these pills into your mouth, “Umph?”
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>”Now just swallow them!”
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>He holds your mouth shut with his hand, and since he is much stronger than you, you have no other choice than to swallow them.
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>And just like he promised, the moment these pills made their way down your gullet to your stomach, you can already feel the many cuts and bruises his “dramatic entrance” caused beginning to heal.
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>It's almost like magic, just... Faster, and a bit more painless.
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>”All better now?”
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>You give your body a quick look over, and have to assess that it looks completely unharmed. Like nothing ever happened to it.
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>Even the scars and marks you caused to yourself are gone now.
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>Astounding.
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“Y-Yes...”, you mutter surprised.
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>”Heaps good!”, he exclaims, grabbing you by your hooves, all four of them somehow, “Time to get started!
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“S-Started on what?”
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>”Ever heard of diamond dogs?”, he asks you with a smirk on his face.
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>Oh by Celestia... Please no...
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“N-No?”, you lie.
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>”Really?”, he laughs, “That purple, princess pony told me of them this morning. After I've got ahold of her of course! Apparently they are quite the fierce bunch.”
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“Saxton, please...”
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>”Also they seem to be a thorn in the side of this nice community for some time now.”
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“I'm sure Princess Twilight was just exaggerating.”
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>”Didn't sound like that though, mate. She told me they raided that apple pony's farm yesterday.”
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“T-They did?”
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>”Yep. So I decided that we are going to teach them a lesson today!”
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“We?!”
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>”Yes, of course!”, he chuckles, “I can't do that alone!”
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“You can!”, you protest, “I'm sure of that!”
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>”Well, yeah...”, Saxton laughs and begins to drag you out of your home, “Of course I could. But it's more fun if we do this together.”
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“No it isn't!”
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>”Nonsense!”
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”But why me?”
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>”Because I need someone to witness my heroic deeds. And you're the only one who isn't running away from me when I try talking to them.”
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“Buck.”
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>”It's fuck, mate. Buck just sounds dumb.”, he says and wraps his arms around your barrel, “Get ready now.”
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“W-What?! Ready for what?”
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>”For launch.”
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“Launch?!”
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>”Yes.”
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“Release me!”
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>”Three.”
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“At once!”
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>”Two.”
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“No, please!”
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>”One.”
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“Saxton!”
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>”Launch!”
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>And this was the last word you heard before the combined force of you crashing through your roof and the sudden impact of gravity on you caused you to black out.
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>You just hoped that he managed to land somewhere safe and without breaking all your bones...
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>But perhaps...
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>That wouldn't be all that bad after all...
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>...
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>”Hey!”
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“Ugh...”
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>”Eri! Oi! Wake up, mate!”
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>You feel somepony grabbing and shaking your body, quite fiercely at that too.
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>But you don't care.
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>It's probably just your mom waking you for school anyway.
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>And you are sure that is far too early to get up for that. Just five more minutes won't hurt anypony... Especially not your teacher.
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>So you tell that to your mother and then nestle your head against her warm, furry and muscular chest.
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>She feels and smells a bit off, but you can't really be bothered to muse about that right now.
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>As long as she stays that comfy, everything will be fine.
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>But just as you were about to nod off and enter your wonderful dreamscapes again, you feel a sudden, sharp pain on your cheek, ripping you out of your slumber and bringing you back to reality.
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“W-What?!”
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>”Ah, finally! I thought I lost ya!”
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“Mo... Mom?”, you ask, looking frantically at your surroundings.
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>Huh...
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>Where the buck are you?
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>Trees and bushes all around you... Weren't you in your bed just a few moments ago?
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>”I'm not yer mum, mate. Sorry to disappoint ya.”, a deep voice responds.
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>What?
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>Who is this?
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>You shift your gaze to the source of the unfamiliar voice.
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>And the moment you see the face to whom the voice belongs to, it suddenly isn't all that unfamiliar to you any more.
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>It belongs to your moustached, hat wearing, bare breasted tormentor...
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“Saxton?”
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>”In the flesh, babe.”
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“Buck...”
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>”Fuck, Eri. It's fuck, not buck. We already went over this.”
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>Flailing around like crazy, you wriggle yourself out of his quite unwanted embrace and desperately skid away from him, leaning your trembling form against a tree.
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>Seems like Celestia answered your desperate prayer and made him land somewhere safe, but now you aren't even sure any more if you wanted her to answer it in the first place.
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>”Hey! Careful there! I trimmed and combed my chest hair just this very morning. You ruffled Sidney all up!”
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“Sid... Sidney? Wait! Nevermind. Where are we?”
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>”Fuck me if I know.”, he chuckles and stands up, “Seems like I miscalculated my jump a bit.”
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>You get onto your four hooves again, making sure to keep your distance to Saxton, and begin to look around.
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>”You tell me. After all, you're the native here.”
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>Wonderful... Just wonderful.
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>Let's see then.
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>Buckhuge trees, thorny bushes, dark green grass and not a single sign of civilisation to be found ...
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>That can only mean one thing.
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“Buck.”
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>Seems like you are in the Everfree.
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>”Eri, what did I te-”
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“Yeah, yeah! I know!”, you interrupt him and wave him off, “It's fuck, not buck.”
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>”Ripper!”
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“What?”
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>”Great, Eri. Ripper means great.”
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“Celestia, you're strange.”
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>”I'm not strange. I'm Australian.”
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>Sighing, you sit down again and try to focus your mind on how to get out of this quite sticky situation.
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>But since you have absolutely no recollection of how you even got there, this endeavour doesn't seem to get you anywhere.
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>All you know is that he grabbed you and then jumped through your roof with you.
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>Though...
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>You look at Saxton, who is currently having a staring contest with a rather poisonous looking snake, and begin to rub your chin.
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>Hmm... Yeah...
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>Of course...
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>He should know from which direction you two came from, shouldn't he?
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“Saxton.”
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>”Just a moment, Eri. This snake is quite stubborn, I tell ya!”
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“Do you remember from which direction we came from?”
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>Saxton laughs deeply, his gaze never leaving the snake's, and shakes his head.
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>”Of course not!”
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“W-What?!”
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>How, by Luna's glorious full moon, could he not remember that?
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“Why? And how?!”
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>”Hold on, lofty.”
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“L-Lofty?!”
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>Distracting the snake with his hands, he quickly steps back and kicks the poor creature right through the bush it crawled out from.
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“Ah!”
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>”Ace!”, he yells with laughter and pounds his chest, “Didn't reckon with that, did ya, ya scaled sonuvabitch!”
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>He jumps into the air and pumps his fist, before turning around and shooting an overly happy grin.
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>”So what was your question, lass?”
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“Uhm... D-Do you know from where we ca-”
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>”Oh, that! To make it short and sweet, matey... I dunno.”
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“You d-don't know?!”
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>”Well... I've met that giant bird on the way here and it gave me the stink eye.”
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>Celestia... You already have an inkling where this will lead to...
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“The stink eye?”
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>”Yip! It basically provoked me with its look! I had no other choice but to fight it!”
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“You... You fought a roc?”
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>”A roc? That's what you guys call these birds?”
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“Y-Yes.”
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>”Crikey! Then I fought a Roc!”
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“Celestia...”
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>”Are Rocs endangered?”
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“W-What?”
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>”I asked ya if these feathered bastards are endangered.”
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>Why does he want to know that?
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“I guess? You certainly don't see many of them around these parts.”
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>”Wonderful!”
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“Uhm..”
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>What now?
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“Why is that wonderful? Are you insa- Wait, scrap that. Of course you are!”
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>”Don't you understand?”, he chuckles and points a finger at you, “The rarer that thing was, the more money I can get for its corpse! ”
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>C-Corpse?!
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“That's sick!”, you protest.
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>”Ah, now don't be silly, mate.”
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“I'm not?”
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>”I beat its fucking head in!”, he exclaims and grabs your hooves, “Couldn't have got all that far after that... So it must lie somewhere close to us.”
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“Please do not. I beg you, Saxton!”
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>”Too late, Eri. My calves are ready for take off.”
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“Saxton... No...”
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>”Shhh...”
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“Saxton!”
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>”Three...”
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“No!”
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>”Aww, please! By now ya should be already used to this!”
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“I'm not!”
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>”One!”
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“You skipped two!”
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>”Who cares?”, Saxton laughs and pulls you close to him, wrapping his arms around your trembling form, “Two is for losers anyway!”
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“Saxton please!”
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>”Away we go! To valuable corpses!”
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“Noooooooooaaaaaaarrgh!”
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>”Eri!”
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“No!”
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>”For fuck's sake, lass! Just take a quick gander!”
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“I don't want to!”
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>”But I don't know which parts of this feathered dipstick is worth a damn!”
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>You hear this horrible squelching sound again as Saxton rips yet another part out of this poor creature's body.
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>”How about that one?”
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>Oh by Celestia! You can smell its blood!
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“No!”
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>”I mean, that part has all of its red feathers on it. That has to be worth something, doesn't it? Oh wait, that's just its blood.”
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“Saxton, please!”
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>”What's your fucking problem, mate? This was your idea, after all.”
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“You know fully well that it wasn't!”, you reply and cross your hooves in front of your face, “But you only hear what you wanna hear!”
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>”Yeah, of course. Everything else isn't worth my time.”
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“You're insane!”
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>”We already clarified that, Eri. I'm not insane, I'm Australian! Those are two entirely different things!”
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“Just stay away from me with those things!”
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>”But you still didn't tell me what to keep.”
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“Because I don't know! Why do you even think I would know?!”
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>”Well, you're the native here, aren't ya? Crikey!”, he sighs, his voice taking on a frustrating sounding tone, “I wish Bidwell was here. He always knew which parts to keep.”
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>Bidwell?
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>...
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>Celestia and your curiosity be damned...
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>You know that every additional and unnecessary question will just prolong your suffering, but you really wanna know who this Bidwell guy is.
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>Right now.
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“Who's Bidwell?”
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>”My butler. A real fucking show pony of a man, no offence mate.”
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“Uhm... None taken.”
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>”Spiffy! Anyway... He accompanied me on every single one of my travels”
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>Saxton laughs and you hear him kick the Roc's corpse, the squishy sound the impact of his foot caused making you cringe.
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>”He really knew his stuff. Could probably even tell ya how to properly cook up this beast.”
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“Knew? Is he... Uh... You know...”
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>”Dead?”
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“Yeah.”
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>”Dunno, mate. Probably.”, he chuckles, “Mann Co. was under pretty heavy attack when I left. I can't imagine him fighting off a horde of robots.”
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>What?
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“Robots?”
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>”It's a long story. Has something to do with gravel and a trio of rivalling siblings. If ya want, I could tell ya it later. Perhaps over some turps.”
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“Tur-”
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>”Booze.”, he interrupts you.
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“Oh okay. Yeah... That would be nice.”
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>”Beauty! But, Eri.”
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“Yes?”
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>”It's really damn awkward talking to ya if you don't look at me. Didn't your mum teach you some manners?”
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“I don't wanna look at what you did to that poor Roc!”
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>”Really? That's bothering ya?”
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“Yes!”
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>”It's just a little blood and guts, lass.”, he says and you hear him scooping something wet up, “Nothing to get your panties twisted about.”
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“Just get it away from here please! Bury it or do whatever!”
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>”Well, okay. Have fun with it, mates!”
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>You hear Saxton take a few steps before a sudden, loud cracking noise causes a cold shiver to run down your spine.
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>”Tally-ho!”
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>Did he just...
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>Wait!
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>You don't even care what he did. And you certainly don't want to know.
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“Is it... Is it gone?”
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>”Yeah. Kicked it right through these two trees.”
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>By the celestial sisters...
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“So I can look now?”
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>”Well...”, he says and you feel him picking you up, much gentler than he usually does, one arm of his supporting your rump while the other holds your barrel, “About that.”
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“H-Huh?”
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>This... This feels much nice than it has any right to be.
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>”Let's walk somewhere else before ya do that. It's still a bit gory around here. At least for your poor heart.”
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“Okay... Thank you.”
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>”Ah, don't mention it, lass. So...”
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“So?”
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>”You think think this is the right direction?”
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“I still have my eyes closed. Why don't you jump and see?”
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>”Don't feel like it right now.”
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“What colours do the trees have?”
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>”Green.”
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“Saxton...”
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>”What? They are bloody green! What did you wanna hear?!”
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“The brighter they gonna get, the closer we are to the edge of the Everfree.”
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>”Oh, that's nifty to know. Lemme see.”
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>He stops and turns around several times.
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>”Okay. That way then. Though...”
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“Yeah?”
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>”You wanna keep your eyes shut for a bit more. We're gonna step right through the bloody mess I made.”
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>It took you two quite some time, and a little bit of arguing, but you've finally managed to find a road in this Celestiaforsaken thicket, and are currently on your way home on it.
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>At least you hope that you are... You aren't quite sure of that yet.
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>But since you didn't run into any timberwolves or other nasty beasties yet, you have a good feeling about the route you took.
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>Still... Why Saxton just didn't jump into the air, which seems to be his main way of getting around, is beyond you.
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>That would have made things a lot easier, to say the least.
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>Even if you prefer having your four hooves planted firmly on the ground.
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>Speaking of that...
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>You take look at Saxton, who is still whistling this stupid song of his, quite off key at that too, and, more importantly, is still carrying you.
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>It's not like you particularly mind being carried around and not having to walk by yourself, but still...
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>It does kinda make you feel like you're being a foal again.
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>And you aren't too thrilled about this feeling.
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>Not that this isn't nice in its own strange way, but...
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>It just makes you feel weak and helpless. Something you wanted to stop being years ago.
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>Enough is enough.
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“Saxton?”
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>”Yeah, Eri? What's on yer heart?”
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“You didn't forget I can walk, did you?”
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>”Of course not. That big, white horse with the strange, glowy hair gave you four perfectly good legs.”, he chuckles and meets your eyes, “She's your god, isn't she?”
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“Uhm... Kinda.”
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>”Ripper. Why are you asking then?”
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“Because you're still carrying me.”
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>”And? You've stopped complaining after I've stopped tossing ya.”
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“That was dangerous!”
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>”It wasn't. I've caught ya every time.”
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“Still...”, you sigh, “Nevermind. I just want you to put me down.”
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>”Why?”
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“W-Why? Because I'm not a foal!”, you bark with poison in your voice, “And I don't need to be carried around like one!”
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>He looks at a bit dumbfounded for a short moment, before shooting you a nod and kneeling down.
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>”Well, sorry then, lass. Here you go.”
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“Thank you.”
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>That's much better. Finally you're in control of yourself again.
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>”No offence, though.”
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“Yeah, yeah.”
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>”...”
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>For some time, you two walk in total silence next to each other, only the occasional cough and harrumph breaking said silence.
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>Which is sort of awkward, you have to admit.
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>You liked it a lot better when he still quipped his patters all the time. Seeing him fall quiet with his hands in his shorts' pockets just feels wrong for some reason.
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>Perhaps you went a bit too harsh on him?
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>It wasn't even all that bad, to be honest. You just sorta tripped out.
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>Even though you really can't imagine him, of all ponies... Or humans or whatever he is, feeling bad about something like this.
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>Still... He does look kinda down.
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>Damn...
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>You should really apologize.
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“Saxton?”
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>”What's the matter, lass?”
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“I... Uhm... I just wanted to...”
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“Just spit it out, mate.”, he laughs, “Don't pussyfoot around. Only sissies do that.”
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“Siss-... Heh, okay. I just wanted to apologize for, yunno, for lashing out.”
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>”No hard feelings, Eri. It's okay.”
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“Thanks, Saxton.”
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>”Actually...”
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“Yeah?”
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>“I wanted to apologize too.”
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“Huh? Really?
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>”Ya.”
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“For what, though?”
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>”For destroying your house, I guess, and for dragging ya into all those awesome adventures of mine.”
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“Awesome?”, you chuckle, “You meant dangerous, right?”
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>”You're still alive, aren't ya?”
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“Yeah.”
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>”So you've got no right to complain.”
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“I see... Still, I appreciate your apology. Thanks.”
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>”You're welcome, lass.”
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>You jump over a small hole in the road, barely managing to hold your balance and not fall over when you land.
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>Quite the accomplishment for someone as athletically impaired as you are.
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“You're feeling better now?”
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>”Kinda.”
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“What's the matter?”
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>”Eeh... I just can't stand it when I make something as cute as you frown. It's a soft spot for me. Just makes me feel bad.”
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>H-Huh?
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“You... You think I'm cute?”
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>”Well, yeah!”, he chortles, “Just look at ya with your big eyes and adorable ears. Reminds me of the dog I had as a kid.”
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>Dog?
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>That's not the best nor the most flattering compliment you've ever gotten, but you will take it.
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>It's not like you get too many of those these days.
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“T-Thanks?”
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>”Anytime, mate.”
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“So...”, you say and look up to him, “If you're not used to us soft ponies, who are you used to then? Tell me something about the world you came from.”
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>”Ya really wanna know? It's nothing special.”, he shrugs, “Pretty much like yours, but with more guns.”
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“Yep.”, you chirp, “That's the least you could do after you've destroyed my house and took me to only Celestia knows where! I at least wanna know the po- Person who abducts me on a regular basis.”
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>”Abduct?”
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“Well... Yeah. You pretty much ignored all my protests whenever you took me to one of your silly adventures.”
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>”They are not silly. They are awesome. We already clarified that.”
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“Last week we chased a manticore through Applejack's orchards... And by “we”, I mean you carrying me against my will while you ran after it.”
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>”And that wasn't awesome?”
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“No! It was frightening! In more than one way... That poor thing was terrified.”
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>”Pfft... Terrified.”, he chuckles, “That damn coward fled after just one punch!”
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“No wonder...”, you return his laughter, “It was just a cub.”
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>”A cub? You mean they come in bigger, more valuable sizes too?”
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“Uhm... Yes. But that's not the point. Didn't you want to tell me about you?”
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>”Alrighty.”
by X-Roads
by X-Roads
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