Careful what you wish for (RGRE, shitpost)


                                            >The pounding of hooves on wood rouses you from your slumber.

                                            >You are Anon.

                                            >You pull off your blanket and shamble towards the door, only about a quarter conscious.


                                            >Be Ditzy Doo.

                                            >You wish Mr. Anon would hurry up. You have two deliveries for him. The small box of books wasn't too bad to carry, but the weight plates are wearing you out.

                                            >You don't want to be worn out this early in your shift, not when you're planning to take Dinky to the park after work.

                                            >The door opens abruptly, startling you. You jump, trip over your own hooves when you land, and take a couple of stumbling steps forward towards the pink blur in the doorway.

                                            >Abruptly, you taste something that you never thought you'd taste again.

                                            >Dick.

                                            >You couldn't stop yourself even if you wanted to.

                                            >You are a red-blooded mare, after all. And it's been so long...

                                            >Your stupid derpy eyes slide shut as your blood starts heating up, and you start bobbing your head.


                                            >Be Anon. Again.

                                            >A jolt of pleasure wakes you - somewhat - from your early-morning stupor.

                                            >You look down.

                                            >OH SHIT YOU ANSWERED THE DOOR NAKED.

                                            >And the cute mailmare that you've had a crush on for weeks is currently sucking your dick.

                                            >Well, can't have that.

                                            >You gently grab her mouth and pull your dick out.

                                            >"Mr. Anon, I'm so sorry! I don't know what came over me --"

                                            >You pick her up and kiss her.

                                            >She looks adorably confused.

                                            >"Bwha?"

                                            > You kiss her again and use your foot to shut the open front door.

                                            >"But -?"

                                            >Still kissing her, you carry her to your couch and plop her down on it.

                                            >Your couch creaks a little, but it's sturdy wood, padding, and leather. It'll hold, even under Ditzy's iron rump.

                                            >Your bed would have been an extra twenty feet away, and that kind of delay just won't do.

                                            >"Oh, okay!" She starts trying to get at your dick again, so you grab her thighs and pin her legs back as far as you can, lifting her haunches up for easier plowing.

                                            >Hm. Good thighs - nice and squishy, but with a solid core of muscle underneath.

                                            >You tuck her hooves in between the couch cushions to hold them in place and free up your hands, and then bend down, teasingly rubbing your cockhead against her slick folds.

                                            >"OHHH. Yes please!" Ditzy Doo has a huge, silly grin on her face as the penny finally drops.

                                            >Well, who are you to keep a lady waiting?

                                            >You hilt all eight inches in a single stroke, and she screams - a long wordless whinny of pleasure.

                                            >You groan as sensation hits you, then grab Ditzy and pull her into a passionate kiss.

                                            >If you hadn't seen her walking around town with her daughter, you wouldn't have believed that this mare was anything other than a virgin.

                                            >Dear gods, this mare is TIGHT.

                                            >You thrust slowly and gently while you reach down to fondle her clit.

                                            >She doesn't have one.

                                            >You blink.

                                            >Something pops out of her vagina, quivers on the top of your dick for a second, and then disappears back into the pink depths.

                                            >Is that her clit?

                                            >WHY DID NOBODY EVER TEACH YOU THE FINER POINTS OF HORSE ANATOMY?

                                            >When the errant appendage breaches the surface of Lake Ditzy again, you grab it and stroke it.

                                            >Ditzy jerks and twitches, her inner walls clenching around your cock.

                                            >"Ohmyfaust, keep doing that!"

                                            >Yup, that's a clit.

                                            >You up the ante by using your free hand to play with her nipples.

                                            >"Anon, I'm -- Gnnfgggghh!"

                                            >Ditzy squeezes your dick hard enough to push you out of her, and cums in a gush of fluid that soaks your crotch.

                                            >Damn, you're glad you own a leather couch.

                                            >Also, damn, she's sensitive.

                                            >That's fine. You like sensitive.

                                            >As you grab Ditzy's hips and start thrusting faster, you don't notice that you forgot to close the blinds on your sliding glass door.


                                            >Be Rainbow Dash.

                                            >For months now, you've been working up the nerve to ask out Anon.

                                            >Seriously, a stallion who actually lifts?

                                            >There are two of those in Ponyville, and the other is Bulk Biceps.

                                            >Bulk's a wonderful stallion, but having to look at that face and those tiny wings every day?

                                            >Ugh, no.

                                            >Though when you said that to Applejack, she just looked at you funny, and then started laughing hysterically.

                                            >You have no idea why.

                                            >But that doesn't matter. You've brought Anon a whole bunch of nest decorations -- satin strips, shiny semi-precious stones, and your own shed feathers.

                                            >You land on his patio and...

                                            >And...

                                            "Oh, no."

                                            >You feel your heart breaking, even as you flush crimson with embarrassment.

                                            >Anon is doing his best to split Ditzy Doo in half.

                                            >That plush gray plot ripples as he jackhammers it in a frenzy.

                                            >Sweat drips from the human's body as his hips slap against Ditzy's.

                                            >Your cry of anguish goes unnoticed as Anon sinks a final thrust home, throws back his head, and roars in primal triumph.

                                            >Ditzy wails in ecstasy and her hips buck against Anon's as he pumps her full.

                                            >The emotional pain cuts all the way to your soul. All you can think of is fleeing.

                                            >Maybe if you fly far enough, fast enough, and then drink enough, the memory won't stick in your mind.

                                            >You take off in a such a rush that a rain of scabs and pus separates from your crusty cunt.

                                            >Anon's vegetable garden withers in your wake.


                                            >You are once again Anon, lying on the couch with Ditzy as the afterglow kicks in.

                                            >She nuzzles your neck and kisses you tenderly on the lips.

                                            >You smooch her back and take a moment to bury your face in her mane.

                                            >Mm. You could spend a while here, just peacefully breathing in her scent.

                                            >She giggles. "Do I smell nice, Anon?"

                                            "You really do. Like fresh rainwater, with a hint of pineapple. Kind of makes me want to find out what you taste like."

                                            >You can feel her whole body stiffen underneath you. "Oh Faust, you're like a praying mantis."

                                            >Abruptly, she starts screaming at the top of her lungs. "PLEASE, PLEASE, DON'T EAT ME, I HAVE A DAUGHTER! DON'T LEAVE MY DINKY ORPHANED!"

                                            >You facepalm. Is this mare related to the flower sisters or something?

                                            "No, silly pony."

                                            >You slide down the couch and take a quick lick of her pussy.

                                            >Bleh. Tastes like your own cum.

                                            >Bleach and salt.jpeg

                                            >"Ohhhh. I am a silly pony."

                                            >"Yeah, Applejack has competition for the title now."

                                            >Little hooves start pounding on your door.

                                            >"Anon! What's going on in there?! Anon?!"

                                            "Goddammit, Caramel."

                                            >You get to your feet and grab Ditzy under the armpits.

                                            >Legpits?

                                            >Whatever.

                                            "You're going to come with me, so my neighbors don't lynch me. The last thing I need is another set of 'pony-eating monster' rumors going around. Then I'm taking you back to my bedroom and you're going to cum with me. Again."

                                            >Ditzy makes an embarrassed squeaking noise.

                                            >When you throw open the door and hold her up for the small mob of angry neighbors, she makes the squeaking noise again, rather louder.

                                            "Here. One cute mailmare who has trouble with figures of speech. Whole, intact, backside ungobbled. Though, speaking of that..."

                                            >You hold her out over Caramel's muzzle and shake her gently.

                                            >A fat dollop of your cum leaks out of Ditzy and catches Caramel right on the nose.

                                            >Caramel's eyes roll up and he faints.

                                            >Ditzy covers her face with her wings as you pull her back in and aggressively snuggle her against your chest.

                                            "Now I can lick her stupid and actually figure out what she tastes like down there. Then I can fuck her silly. Again. If she's not pregnant already, she will be when I'm done."

                                            >If you'd plowed a human female, you wouldn't be so confident about that, but apparently pony stallions have very poor sperm quality, so the mares evolved to be extra fertile.

                                            >The doctors and wizards up in Canterlotdid a fairly thorough physical analysis when you fell ass-backwards out of your dimension and into Princess Celestia's reflecting pool.

                                            >Your sperm apparently guarantees pregnancy for any mare that you fuck.

                                            "Somebody tell her boss that she's taking the day off, and someone tell her filly not to worry."

                                            >You hear a faint whine of "but muh jerb" from the mare in your arms.

                                            "No, your boss will just have to grin and bear it. This is what happens when you aggressively suck a man's dick at 8 AM."

                                            >The crowd gasps in unison.

                                            >"RAPE! RAPE!" Caramel snaps awake like he just got a dose of smelling salts. "COME AND SEE THE VIOLENCE INHERENT IN THE SYSTEM! SMASH THE MATRIARCHY! RAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAPPPPPPPPPPPPPPEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!"

                                            >You slap Caramel in the face with your half-erect cock, and he faints in disgust again.

                                            "There are situations where men can be raped, but this isn't one of them. I'm sober and consenting. I'm pretty sure it stops counting as rape when your 'victim' drags you inside and ravages you. Any other questions?"

                                            >"YES! I HAVE SO MANY QUESTIONS!"

                                            >Fuck, how did you miss the pudgy purple unicorn?! You wouldn't have uttered that last sentence if you'd spotted her in the crowd.

                                            >"Do all human males have foal fever like yours? Is your species normally this sexually aggressive? Are humans normally open to mating with other species? Can I watch your mating ritual?"

                                            "Goddamnit, Twilight, that was a rhetorical question!"

                                            >She sniffs. "I refuse to accept that."

                                            "And I refuse to accept that the universe thought your ugly-ass color scheme was a good idea, but here you are. "

                                            >Her ears flop to the sides of her head.

                                            >Then her mane and tail frizz and her eyes shrink to pinpricks.

                                            >The crowd takes one look at this and bolts in all directions.

                                            >Twilight's lips pull back from her teeth in a disturbing grin, and her voice drops to a rumbling bass. "I MUST LEARN! YIELD UP THE KNOWLEDGE, YOU SURLY APE, OR SUFFER THE CONSEQUENCES!"

                                            "What in the goddamn -?"

                                            >Ditzy reaches up and boops you on the nose. "Anon! Don't argue with her when she's like this! The last time she did this, she mind-controlled the entire town."

                                            "Seriously?"

                                            >You look at the sanity-challenged unicorn and her maniacal grin.

                                            "Yeah, I guess I can see it."

                                            >You sigh. It's a very long sigh.

                                            "Fine. Fine. I will put up with Twergle Spergle and her fifty thousand questions. But I'm going to need some beer if I want to keep hold of my temper. All right, Twilight, you can watch. Try not to ask too many goddamn questions."

                                            >"NO PROMISES."

                                            >You sigh again and shamble into your kitchen, where you grab your last remaining bomber of Lagunitas Imperial Stout from the fridge.

                                            >Then you trudge into your bedroom, carrying Ditzy under one arm and the bottle in your free hand.

                                            >You toss the pretty pegasus onto your bed and crack open what may be the last imperial stout ever to exist in this world.

                                            "Twilight..."

                                            >"YES?"

                                            "Hold my beer and watch me fill this mare with satyrs."