Virgin Anon by anonymous


                                            Thread archive: https://desuarchive.org/mlp/thread/24685754/#q24685754

                                            Original author is Anon

                                            -----------


                                            >"Y-You're a virgin Anon? You mean your mother never fucked you?! That's awful...Now I understand why you're always hurting..."


                                            "...I'm sorry? Could you run that by me again, I kind of drifted off."

                                            >"Is it because your dad was too strong? You shouldn't be enlisting if he's still too strong for you, anon."

                                            "Wow, and here I was thinking this was going to get more sane as time went on."

                                            >"I'm serious! You look like you should be of age to defeat your dad, Anon! Is he really that powerful?"

                                            "You know, at some point, this conversation became about something other than the color of my underwear, and I want those times back. Speaking of, still didn't know that white undergarments meant virgin, it was just because I like 'em."

                                            >"So then you did fuck your mother! Phew!"

                                            "Ah, no, never happened."

                                            >"Anon! How are you supposed to know you're a real stallion ready to make his way in the world if you don't defeat your father in combat and then claim your mother for your first time! You said you wanted to be a guard!"

                                            "And this is a requirement?"

                                            >"Obviously!"

                                            "Wait, isn't your brother a guard?"

                                            >"Yeah?"

                                            "So-"

                                            >"So yeah! At some point Shining Armor engaged my dad in magical combat, defeated him, and then mounted my mother to prove he was an adult stallion!"

                                            "Ah, I see, and, what, what do mares have to do in order to be 'adults' here?"

                                            >"What do you mean? We don't have to do anything special, when we get to a certain age, we just ARE. We're MARES, Anon, we don't have to prove we're worthwhile to society, we're already built in smarter and more capable."

                                            "...This conversation went to weird places. So, wait, you don't have to like, bed a stallion to prove it or anything?"

                                            >"Of course not!"

                                            "Oh."

                                            >"...But I mean, I was right there, and Shiny was right there, and Mom sure as tartarus wasn't going to last another round-"

                                            "Goddamn it. I knew I shouldn't have spike the bleach with whiskey."


                                            "And then she just kept going on and on and on. She brought out diagrams, Big Mac! Diagrams! Who the fuck makes a damn piechart to tell you how long and how deep your brother fired off his ponybutterchurner inside you? Is that not fucked up?"

                                            >"Eyyyyyup."

                                            "This isn't, like, with everyone, right? You don't just go fuck Applebloom or AJ to prove you're a stallion, right?"

                                            >"Eeeeenope."

                                            "Good, need some damn sanity in this world, because the time when all my worries were someone finding out I'm a grown man that still wears tighty whiteys are gone. I miss those days when I just worried I was going to have to explain support, you know?"

                                            >"Eyyyyyup."

                                            "So! Your parents died when you were pretty small, no way could you take on a full grown earth pony by yourself, right? You didn't have to do any test to prove yourself when you got older? How did you manage?"

                                            >".Actually, anon, mah' old uncle came down ta' stand in fer' the fight, and Ah' fought him. Fella was an guard, but Ah' beat him right good too, was pretty dang strong even then fer' mah age, wasn't difficult."

                                            "Oh!... Well, that's kinda cool, but didn't your mom die around the same time as your dad? How'd you reconcile part two of that?"

                                            >"..."

                                            "Mac? You uh... you okay?"

                                            >Mac just looks at Granny Smith.

                                            >And starts crying.

                                            "...Okay, either I put in too much, or too little, but I definitely have the wrong amount of whiskey and bleach in me right now, and that needs to be rectified."


                                            "He just kept crying, Thunderlane! He just kept crying, and I didn't fucking know what to do, what am I supposed to do to that? I couldn't tell him it was okay, none of this is okay!"

                                            >"Oof, that's rough buddy. Yeah, it's always a tragedy to think back on your parents, but he'll get through it."

                                            "You know what? Yes. Yes that is what I meant and I am getting off the topic."

                                            >"What topic?"

                                            "That whole damn stallionhood ritual thing."

                                            >"Ohhhh, heh, yeah, good times, my mom was a screamer."

                                            "GOD FUCKING DAMN IT!"

                                            >"Oh, was yours not?"

                                            "No!"

                                            >"Awww, too bad. That's how you know she's proud of you!"

                                            "I mean no I didn't-wait a damn minute."

                                            >"Wassup?"

                                            "Don't you have a little brother?"

                                            >"Yep! Little Rumble! Mmmhm, kids growing up so fast."

                                            "So how does that work?"

                                            >"Hm?"

                                            "When he gets older, does he just also kick your dads ass and fuck your mom?"

                                            >"What? No, I already proved my dad's time has waned."

                                            "...oh fuck oh fuck I feel the regret coming on-"

                                            >"No, he's got to beat up me, and then fuck my mom. He's also got the option of after that moving on to my current marefriend or wife, but, heh... mom wears a stallion out. Doubt he'll still be kicking by then, and if he is, you know? More power to him! I couldn't, and what's the point of all this if you don't get to prove you're superior to who came before?"

                                            "For fucks sake the rabbit hole just keeps going deeper."

                                            >"Yeah, you can switch up to that one to, but it's kinda tradition that you finish in the hole you came out of first, otherwise makes Hearth Warming REAL awkward."

                                            "Sure, that, not the whole... I fucked your wife in front of you thing..."

                                            >"Anon? You okay bud? Look a little unsure."

                                            "I'm gonna be real honest with you, I have no idea how I got up on this cloud house, but I'm ready for it to stop working anytime now. There's the fear I'll break down to hell, but I'm starting to think I won't know the difference."

                                            >"What's hell?"

                                            "I'm asking that a lot today."


                                            "Dash, I'm going to level with you, there's only one reason I'm hanging out with you right now."

                                            >"Beeecause I'm the most awesome Pony in Equestria?"

                                            "First off, no, I'm pretty sure that goes to one of the flying laser horses. But no, the real reason is you are, as far as I know, an only child and you are a mare."

                                            >"Wha?"

                                            "This is my new criteria. I am literally in a world where friendship gives you superpowers, and I'm setting criteria for this."

                                            >"Okayyy, that sounds really weird."

                                            "That you think this is the weirdest thing that has happened to me today is probably the nicest thing anyone has ever said, period. But if I have to hear about that damn ritual again-"

                                            >"Stallion ritual?"

                                            "OH GOD DAMN-wait! Right, mare. This is why I'm here. Yeah, that one."

                                            >"Pffft, you big baby, that's fucking awesome!"

                                            "...I have several questions! But let's get to the big one, do you secretly have a dick? This is vital fucking information."

                                            >"What!? NO! EW!"

                                            "Stay, little bullet, you may rest in the chamber for a little while longer... soo, wait, I thought you didn't have to-"

                                            >"A DUH I didn't have to! I'm a mare! But if I was going to prove I was the most awesome pony who ever lived, you're dang straight I had to beat my mom in a fight and then go fuck my dad! It's like... NGH! Yeah! Totally better than you, MOM!"

                                            "On second thought, rise and shine mister bullet! Gotta get up! Gotta get goin', you're gonna see a friend of mine!... Wait, hold up, before I go off, did you-"

                                            >"Yeeeeah, I topped. Of course I topped. And yeah, he totally had the ride of his life, just kept telling me how much better I was than mom the whole time! Mom was... she was so proud. When I was finished, my dad couldn't feel his dick for a week!"

                                            "That... that is not how sex is supposed to work."

                                            >"Yep. I'm just that awesome."

                                            "...so this is poison, right? You gave me poison?"

                                            >What!? No! Don't be silly, anon! Just alcohol.

                                            "Ah. Then I require a new drink, this one is just not going to cut it."


                                            "Heyyyy, Soarin', how, uh, how you doing? Totally forgot we had poker tonight. Boy, sure am lucky I decided to check the door, aren't I?"

                                            >"Awww, it's okay anon! Don't worry, I know how you get, I brought the cards."

                                            "So you did! And now any excuses are just plain gone, aren't they?"

                                            >"Ha! Yep, no getting out of it this time, I'm winning back... You okay, buddy? You look- ohhh, right! Heard that Twilight found out about that whole thing."

                                            "And you chose till after you were through the door to mention it. Friendship, everyone."

                                            >"Nahhh, it's not a big deal! You probably just didn't get a chance to get to your fight.

                                            "It hurts that this was best possible scenario."

                                            >"Hoo, tell you though. I wish I was anti-magic like you, my dad could hit like a bull on steroids!"

                                            "...Several questions."

                                            >"My dad's a unicorn!"

                                            "One question, then, the fuck would being anti magic help if he just hurled a really big rock at me? What, am I anti-rock?"

                                            >"Oh, yeah. Whoops!"

                                            "Parental abuse is a fine art... wait a goddamn minute!"

                                            >"What?"

                                            "You said your mom died when you were little, how- oh no I'm sorry please get off the topic-"

                                            >"*Sniffle*, no no! It's okay, anon. It's totally okay."

                                            "Okay, I'm a dick because the thought that made you sad did not even occur to me. I am apparently shit."

                                            >"Because you know? I... I am still a stallion."

                                            "This inspirational speech better end with 'sex doesn't make the stallion', or-

                                            >"Because I!.... I have the greatest dad."

                                            "No."

                                            >"Because after I won, after he looked up to me with pride and said, "You're a real stallion now"... he waited till he could walk again, and you know what he did?"

                                            "Stop."

                                            >"He went into their old room... he got her dress, he put on the lipstick... and he made sure I returned a part of me from where I came from! He did not settle for an aunt or whatever! He... HE! Is the GREATEST DAD, of all time!"

                                            "...Hey! Soarin', put the cards away, I've got a better game to play!"

                                            >"OH?"

                                            "It's called, RUSSIAN ROULETTE! SPIN SPIN SPIN!"


                                            "Heeeeyyyy, Button! Wow, hi, hey, what the fuck are you doing in my house?"

                                            >"Um... Anon, don't you remember? You told mom you could watch me today."

                                            "Did I? Isn't today tuesday?"

                                            >"N-no, it's Wednesday."

                                            "Ha ha! How silly, I guess I was up all night! Again!!"

                                            >"Should... should I go tell my mom to come back?"

                                            "I'm going to be real honest with you here kiddo, she just dropped you off at a clearly unsanitary house with a guy who would smell like death itself if he hadn't spent the last few hours crying in the shower. She's not coming back for a long time."

                                            >"You smell like lemonade."

                                            "Shampoo in the eyes is a bitch, but it gets the images out!"

                                            >"Uh... are you okay?"

                                            "I don't know what part of those last few sentences seemed 'okay' to you."

                                            >"What's wrong?"

                                            "Oh, just coming to terms with the mental image that you are going to give it to your mom."

                                            >"Ohhhh.. Awww, come on anon! We know you just got portaled here at random, nobody thinks any less of you. Maybe someday you'll go back and beat your dad!"

                                            "I just love how no matter what I say this is what you ponies keep taking away from that."

                                            >"Still, I mean, I'm WAY off from that one, I don't think I'll be ready for that till I'm huge."

                                            "Ah hah, aha ha, I just laughed, and now I feel like shit."

                                            >"I mean, after that, I've got to get my own place, start working on my own bills, buy my own stuff, do you know how weird it would be to still be staying in your parents house after that!? That would be the worst!"

                                            "That's your biggest concern. I... I actually really admire this."

                                            >"Nope, not even gonna worry about being a real stallion for a long, long time! For now, it's just me, my videogames, and some fun!"

                                            "This is normal! I needed this! YES!"

                                            >"Yep... but it's still normal to have dreams about that day, right? I go through sheets a lot-"

                                            "GOD FUCKING DAMN IT!"

                                            >"Anon? Where are you going with that toaster?"

                                            "I'M MAKING SOUP!"

                                            >"Wait, that just doesn't make any sense at all!... why did the lights just flicker?"


                                            >"Well, shucks anon! What's got ya'll so down in the dumps?"

                                            "Hello, Braeburn, how nice to see you. I mean this, I really do, it's just so nice to meet another stallion today, not like I've been wanting to claw my eyes out or anything as I walked down the street."

                                            >"Well, Ah' should sure hope not! That sounds awful! What's gotcha' down?"

                                            "It literally does not matter what I am about to say. I could say I just watched someone catch on fire, but somehow this conversation will go back to-"

                                            >"Is it cause ya' ain't beat yer' dad yet?"

                                            "And there it is! There! It! Is! Right on cue! Like magic! Friendship magic!"

                                            >"Awww, come on anon, fellers givin' ya' a hard time? Look, there's always gonna be some who make fun o' others who just didn't get the same chances they did, but there's no reason ta' take it ta' heart! They're just jerks."

                                            "No, you know the weird thing? I WISH at some point someone had called me a goddamn pussy for not doing that, that would at least make some semblance of sense in my giant monkey brain, this right here? This is fucking confusing."

                                            >"Beggin' yer pardon?"

                                            "I just... you did that damn ritual, right?"

                                            >"Yep! Sure did, best day o' mah life, daddy even got me a new cart ta' celebrate."

                                            "I thought you were..."

                                            >"Thought Ah' was what?"

                                            "Okay, first off, even gay stallions go through with this, right?"

                                            >"Well, yeah? Why wouldn't they? Did ya' turn down the fight cause ya' swing that way? Ain't judging! Just... is that the reason? Seems weird."

                                            "It's not. That didn't happen. What did happen is that at some point, the stallion who made this coffee right here plowed his own mother and then one day later those hooves holding her in place while he unloaded handed me a mug, with I can only hope some washing in between."

                                            >"Handed?"

                                            "No."

                                            >"Couldn't resist. But, dang Anon, ya' really that sad ya' never got ta'? Ah' know it's a stickin' point with some, but still."

                                            "No, Braeburn, that's not the issue. The issue is that YOU FUCKED YOUR MOM!"

                                            >"...And?"


                                            "And there it is! There's my problem! Nobody thinks this is weird! I'm the weird one! Weird old anon! He thinks it's weird! Wow! How could anon ever think something like this is weird!? Totally normal, cept for the one bipedal pale guy with finger who wears cloths because he has no fur and yet lives in a land of magical ponies!"

                                            >"..."

                                            "Shut up! It's just... how!? How is kicking your dad's ass and then blamming in your mother normal to you!?"

                                            >"Ya' mean ya' don't do that where ya' come from?"

                                            "NO!"

                                            >"Well, shucks anon! We didn't know. Ah, dang, we probably been makin' ya' feel like a right outsider, ain't we? Talkin' all bout our big times and makin' it sound like ya' had ta, and ya' probably ain't never even heard o' somethin' like it!"

                                            "NO!"

                                            >"Well, shoot! Iffin' Ah' don't feel like the manure cart. Heh, just goes ta' show that we all got differences that where we grew up special, don't it?"

                                            "Are... are you PSAing me!? Is this a PSA for tolerance towards motherfuckers? Paid for by the foundation for better motherfucking!? Sponsored by PBS! Parental Boning Society!"

                                            >"Like Ah' said, sorry!"

                                            "Fine, you know what? I accept this. Sorry for snapping, and I would like a friendship time here."

                                            >"No worries! Don't look like ya've slept too well in a week."

                                            "That is factually correct. The nightmares have kept me up, as has finding sustenance. You do not know the look of a haunted man until you see him debate taking a cupcake from a kindly old sweetmaker who now you cannot shake the knowledge of where that hoof has been, and where it went back to long after it shouldn't have."

                                            >"Huh... ah well. Still! Ya' feel better now that ya' got it all off yer' chest?"

                                            "No, I do not. How did this thing even start anyway?"

                                            >"...Beg pardon?"

                                            "How. Did. It. Start?"

                                            >"...huh... Ah' dunno!"

                                            "..."

                                            >"Anon? Where ya' goin'?"

                                            "To get answers or get shot, I don't give a fuck which!"

                                            >"Okay! Have fun!... Heh, that anon, always a curious one... why does his coffee smell like almonds?"

                                            -

                                            "SUNHORSE! I NEED TO TALK TO YOU!"

                                            >"Anon! What a pleasant surprise! You should have told me you were visiting, I would have gotten out the good tea."

                                            "I need to know, from the...er, wisest, we're going with wisest horse in the land, because if I die before I get the answer, I'm coming back as a ghost with the shittyest unfinished business ever."

                                            >"What?"

                                            "I need to know from you, the 'wisest' pony in the land, how the hell did that ritual start!?"

                                            >"Which one? You'll have to be more specific."

                                            "Stallion one!"

                                            >"That's... still rather vague."

                                            "The rite of passed where first, a stallion literally pounds his father, and then he goes over and pounds his mother in a completely different, somehow far worse fashion!"

                                            >"Oh! That one!"

                                            "Yes! That one! How the hell does something like that start!?"

                                            >"...I have no idea."

                                            "WHAT!? I juh- you can't- how do you not know!? You're..."

                                            >"Old?"

                                            "Your words, you goddamn massive laserhorse."

                                            >"And as to your question... I simply don't know. It was years before I noticed it happening, and by the time I had it had caught on to such a degree that I had no hope of finding it's point of origin."

                                            "...Uh huh. Well, shit. Back to the old bleach solving problem."

                                            >"I'm sorry, but... anon? Can I... confide in you something?"

                                            "I have learned so much today that you could literally tell me you're ten squirrels in an elaborate costume, and you know what? I would have way less nightmares in general. That would be a breath of fresh air."

                                            >"Oh, I don't wish to burden you with the knowledge, but as one who hasn't yet been through it, maybe you can understand."

                                            "...Go on...

                                            >"Well, and please don't tell anyone this... but the whole thing just... icks me."

                                            "...what..."

                                            >"I know! Oh, it must be so weird to hear me say it, but ever since it started it just made me feel so... uneasy! Yet I couldn't say anything, everyone seemed to enjoy it so much, they didn't seem to be hurting anyone, all parties seemed consenting, so..."

                                            "..."

                                            >"Anon? Are you alright?"


                                            "...Yay."

                                            >"Yay? I thought... oh my! Do you mean, it bothers you as well?"

                                            "YES!"

                                            >"Oh thank goodness! I thought it was just me! Oh, you have no idea how good it is to finally speak up after centuries of feeling like this! Every time I looked at one of my guards for lord knows how long I just saw him atop his mother and... ugh! I was there when most of them were born! Do you have any idea what it's like to have the mental image of her cradling him and knowing one day he was going to be 'cradling' her?"

                                            "Trust me, TRUST ME, I understand!"

                                            >"You do!?... Oh! Well, I'm certainly not opposed to hugs right now."

                                            "*Sniffle* I'm just... I'm so damn happy right now. Oh thank fucking god, thank god some sanity! THANK GOD I- wait, is it going to turn out you're homophobic, or anti zebra, or something weird like that?"

                                            >"Heavens no! I would never discriminate like that!"

                                            "So nothing twisted like you secretly have a harem, or perform blood sacrifices, or anything else messed up to ruin this situation!?"

                                            >"My goodness, no!"

                                            "You're also not sleeping with your sister, right?"

                                            >"UGH!"

                                            "THANK GOD! This... is wonderful!"

                                            >"You're excited about that!? Oh my goodness, you're the first male of any species I've ever met that isn't begging for that to be real! You understand how weird that is! This is amazing! This is- wait, you're not a secret pervert or into really unsettling things like... fecal matter, right?"

                                            "NOPE!"

                                            >"This... this is wonderful! At last! After all these centuries!"

                                            "SOMEONE UNDERSTANDS!"

                                            >And thus, anon and Celestia became inseperable, at last finding peace and companionship in a world that simply did not understand their views.

                                            >They were ever skeeved out every single birthday party or mixer, always did they see the horror in this world, but at least they had each other.

                                            >They found, in the other, their good end.

                                            >Until anon accidentally killed himself, and she had to face the underworld to get him back, but that was a tale for another day...

                                            >The End.