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Equestria without Anon

By kqaii
Created: 2021-08-20 04:46:35
Updated: 2021-08-20 04:47:40
Expiry: Never
safecomedyoneshotmane 6sfw

  1. Thread archive: https://desuarchive.org/mlp/thread/29700333/#q29700802
  2. Original author is Anonymous
  3. ----------
  4.  
  5. [Twilight Sparkle]
  6. >Be Twilight Sparkle in a green thread
  7. >Don't know what to do with myself because my setting is incohesive, I'm a princess now, and I live in a crystal palace in the center of butt-fuck nowhere.
  8. >Take a vacation from the responsibilities I don't have to visit pony Vegas, where they have an arcade.
  9. >Charge arcade credits to my arcade card. Yes, of course we have those, the setting is incohesive.
  10. >Call Rarity and see what she's doing.
  11. >"Running three boutiques, darling!"
  12. >Say yeah, bitch, but are you doing anything?
  13. >"Actually, no. Running these boutiques don't require any of my time, so I'm doing nothing. Are we having an adventure?"
  14. >Invite Rarity to come out and be 2nd player in Street Fighter. It's just straight up Street Fighter. Not pony Street Fighter or anything. I played it a bit when I was a human in high school.
  15. >Decide to call Rainbow Dash, ask her what she's doing.
  16. >"I'm a Wonderbolt! Duh!"
  17. >Say I know, but I mean what are you doing.
  18. >"Oh. Nothing. Sleeping like always."
  19. >Invite Dash out for drinks. She says she'll be here soon.
  20. >Rarity arrives on a personal leer jet made out of cookies. I forget for a minute that my setting is a jarbled mess and ask where she found a leer jet.
  21. >"It's fine, darling, it's made of cookies!"
  22. >Shrug. It doesn't fucking matter anymore.
  23. >Check 4chan on my pony mobile phone. I had a phone when I was a high school student. Anons are wondering why we don't write greens about the pony universe anymore.
  24. >Sigh. Put away my phone. Go out to dinner at a franchise chain that sells hay burgers.
  25.  
  26. [Fluttershy]
  27. >Be Fluttershy.
  28. >Wake up in the morning next to Discord
  29. >Didn't sleep with him. He's just here sometimes. We actually have nothing in common.
  30. >We have tea, and then he fucks off into the ether for another twenty episodes.
  31. >I think about asking him what he does when he's not my bitch, but then decide against it. Maybe the least predictable thing a god of chaos could do is "nothing".
  32. >Decide to go out and buy some apples. Starlight Glimmer is here. Also a reformed villain.
  33. >Say hi. Ask what she's up to.
  34. >"Working on a friendship report," she replies.
  35. >Come to next Thursday covered in honey. My head is shaved and I have a tattoo of a bull having missionary sex with a bear.
  36. >Glimmer starts apologizing profusely, saying something about friendship reports and learning a lesson and Twilight Sparkle.
  37. >Tell her she's doing great and she's come a long way! Besides, this is a really neat tattoo and I can't wait to hang out again.
  38. >Go home. Find Tirek watering my begonias.
  39. >Ask him what he's doing here.
  40. >"Oh, I reformed off screen," he explains, "Now I only suck magic out of ponies once every twenty to forty episodes, when we can learn a lesson from it."
  41. >Sigh. Go inside to get some ice cream. Instead find Discord in my freezer running a miniature ice cream stand. Apparently this is what he does when he's not my bitch. He explains that business tends to be pretty slow.
  42. >Order a scoop of ice cream, then lay down because I have a headache.
  43.  
  44. [Applejack]
  45. >Be Applejack
  46. >For all these seasons I have been the North Star
  47. >Well, almost. Somehow I forgot a lot about farming. A wooden fence broke yesterday and I spent four hours weaving a basket to patch the hole.
  48. >Twilight came out and explained to me that I was doing it wrong. I should fix a wooden fence with wood!
  49. >I knew this. I don't know why I forgot. I worry that I forgot but I'm too nervous to admit what happened so I tell Twilight I've been doing it that way for years and I appreciate her help.
  50. >Speaking of Twilight, her castle blocks the sun during certain parts of the day and casts a long shadow over the whole farm. I worry about that, but it doesn't seem to matter.
  51. >In fact I spend a lot of time away from the farm and nothing bad ever seems to happen.
  52. >Decide to test it out. Take a vacation out to Apaloosa and spend some time with my cousin, just catching up.
  53. >Get back a month later. Nothing has changed. Mac had no trouble by himself. Ran the entire farm alone.
  54. >Suddenly, some kind of magical earthworm attacks the farm!
  55. >Resolve it with the help of friends in twenty minutes.
  56. >Decide I won't do any work on the farm now, to see what happens. Convince Mac and Granny not to work either.
  57. >A month passes. Everything is fine.
  58. >Two months. No changes.
  59. >Three, four, six. Harvest time comes, and the harvest is exactly the same as it was last year.
  60. >I get called away to Crystal Kingdom for some kind of magical apocalypse scenario.
  61. >Come back and apples are all harvested. Mac didn't do it, Applebloom didn't do it, Granny didn't do it. Nobody knows what happens.
  62. >Begin to worry the farm has come to life and is draining our minds away to work itself.
  63. >Can't prove it to anyone.
  64. >All I do is wait here on the farm, doing nothing, and I worry. Good lord.
  65.  
  66. [Rainbow Dash]
  67. >Be Rainbow Dash
  68. >Finally achieved life-long dream! Made it into the Wonderbolts!
  69. >They never call me into practice. The other ponies work on their routine from sun up to sun down, but I never go in. They never ask me to go in.
  70. >They do ask me to perform in shows, though. I never know the routines. I didn't practice any. They say it's fine.
  71. >Get upset. Decide that if they don't care, then I'll do my own routine!
  72. >My changes backfire. I cause two ponies to collide in mid air. One pony breaks a neck and will never walk again.
  73. >Spitfire tells me it happens to the best of us. She puts me on probation and makes me clean the stands again.
  74. >Feel guilty, so I blow off probation. Go to see the Wonderbolt in the hospital. He tells me it's fine because I'm so cool.
  75. >Don't know how to feel. It wasn't cool. I don't know what I did to earn that respect.
  76. >Worried, I forget I'm supposed to be cleaning.
  77. >Nobody says anything. Nobody cares.
  78. >The injury gets in the news. Sports casters forgive me, saying the others must not have practiced enough to keep up with the Element of Loyalty.
  79. >Don't understand. Watching the replay, I was all over the place. It was clearly my fault.
  80. >Don't feel cool. Don't feel cool at all.
  81. >Next day, pony comes by and asks me to sign like a hundred autographs. Everyone still loves me. Kids look up to me. Want to be like me.
  82. >They say I'm the coolest.
  83. >Find out the other pony in the accident broke his wing. He'll fly again, but now he's slow. Used to be the fastest Wonderbolt on the team after me.
  84. >He says it's cool.
  85. >Wonderbolts start to practice again. Twilight tells me I need to go to the Crystal Kingdom.
  86. >Wonderbolts say it's cool.
  87. >We go to the Crystal Kingdom. Shining Armor tells us a lot of information about an apocalypse scenario. Starlight Glimmer resolves it. The whole thing was... boring. Barely remember any of it.
  88. >Another show comes up. They want me in it again.
  89. >Scared. Say I can't. They say it's cool. I'm still a Wonderbolt.
  90.  
  91. [Rarity]
  92. >Be Rarity
  93. >Running three boutiques now. Each one a smash hit
  94. >Not finding myself stretched thin at all. Have plenty of time for everything except on very, very specific occasions
  95. >With plenty of free time and all this money, decide to open a fourth boutique in Trottingham!
  96. >Instant smash hit! Another success!
  97. >Still not stretched thin. Decide to open another boutique in Las Pegasus.
  98. >Smash hit! Rarity is unstoppable
  99. >Still not too busy.
  100. >Begin to realize how busy I'm not, which is strange. I always strive to be busy.
  101. >Design new clothes and send them out. They all do well. Everyone loves every design.
  102. >Feel happy, but perplexed. Realize that I don't understand my success. Art is subjective but... a master must know something of what makes her work special.
  103. >Start trying different things. Different types of stones, different patterns. Each dress is equally successful. I can't discern any meaning behind it.
  104. >Languish.
  105. >Is it my brand? My name that sells now? Has the quality of my work lost meaning?
  106. >Don't release new dresses for weeks. Profits remain exactly the same.
  107. >Peculiar.
  108. >Decide to open another small boutique in Ponyville.
  109. >Smash hit. Like all the others.
  110. >Baffled.
  111. >Boutique opens in Apaloosa. Smash hit.
  112. >I'm not even designing dresses anymore.
  113. >Called away to Crystal Empire for apocalypse scenario. Resolved by Starlight Glimmer - harrowing but inconsequential. Find time to open a boutique in the Crystal Empire.
  114. >Smash hit.
  115. >Languish again.
  116. >Nothing matters. There is no measure of my quality.
  117. >As I waste away, doing nothing, I become the wealthiest pony in Ponyville.
  118. >How can achieving a dream feel... so much like a dream?
  119.  
  120. [Pinkie]
  121. >Be Pinkie pie!
  122. >Throw a party!
  123. >Party is great! Best day ever!
  124. >Throw a party!
  125. >Party is awesome! Best day ever!
  126. >Throw a party!
  127. >Everyone loves party! Best day ever!

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