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1574 8.75 KB 127
Equestria without Anon
By kqaiiCreated: 2021-08-20 04:46:35
Updated: 2021-08-20 04:47:40
Expiry: Never
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Thread archive: https://desuarchive.org/mlp/thread/29700333/#q29700802
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Original author is Anonymous
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[Twilight Sparkle]
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>Be Twilight Sparkle in a green thread
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>Don't know what to do with myself because my setting is incohesive, I'm a princess now, and I live in a crystal palace in the center of butt-fuck nowhere.
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>Take a vacation from the responsibilities I don't have to visit pony Vegas, where they have an arcade.
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>Charge arcade credits to my arcade card. Yes, of course we have those, the setting is incohesive.
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>Call Rarity and see what she's doing.
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>"Running three boutiques, darling!"
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>Say yeah, bitch, but are you doing anything?
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>"Actually, no. Running these boutiques don't require any of my time, so I'm doing nothing. Are we having an adventure?"
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>Invite Rarity to come out and be 2nd player in Street Fighter. It's just straight up Street Fighter. Not pony Street Fighter or anything. I played it a bit when I was a human in high school.
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>Decide to call Rainbow Dash, ask her what she's doing.
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>"I'm a Wonderbolt! Duh!"
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>Say I know, but I mean what are you doing.
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>"Oh. Nothing. Sleeping like always."
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>Invite Dash out for drinks. She says she'll be here soon.
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>Rarity arrives on a personal leer jet made out of cookies. I forget for a minute that my setting is a jarbled mess and ask where she found a leer jet.
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>"It's fine, darling, it's made of cookies!"
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>Shrug. It doesn't fucking matter anymore.
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>Check 4chan on my pony mobile phone. I had a phone when I was a high school student. Anons are wondering why we don't write greens about the pony universe anymore.
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>Sigh. Put away my phone. Go out to dinner at a franchise chain that sells hay burgers.
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[Fluttershy]
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>Be Fluttershy.
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>Wake up in the morning next to Discord
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>Didn't sleep with him. He's just here sometimes. We actually have nothing in common.
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>We have tea, and then he fucks off into the ether for another twenty episodes.
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>I think about asking him what he does when he's not my bitch, but then decide against it. Maybe the least predictable thing a god of chaos could do is "nothing".
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>Decide to go out and buy some apples. Starlight Glimmer is here. Also a reformed villain.
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>Say hi. Ask what she's up to.
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>"Working on a friendship report," she replies.
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>Come to next Thursday covered in honey. My head is shaved and I have a tattoo of a bull having missionary sex with a bear.
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>Glimmer starts apologizing profusely, saying something about friendship reports and learning a lesson and Twilight Sparkle.
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>Tell her she's doing great and she's come a long way! Besides, this is a really neat tattoo and I can't wait to hang out again.
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>Go home. Find Tirek watering my begonias.
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>Ask him what he's doing here.
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>"Oh, I reformed off screen," he explains, "Now I only suck magic out of ponies once every twenty to forty episodes, when we can learn a lesson from it."
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>Sigh. Go inside to get some ice cream. Instead find Discord in my freezer running a miniature ice cream stand. Apparently this is what he does when he's not my bitch. He explains that business tends to be pretty slow.
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>Order a scoop of ice cream, then lay down because I have a headache.
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[Applejack]
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>Be Applejack
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>For all these seasons I have been the North Star
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>Well, almost. Somehow I forgot a lot about farming. A wooden fence broke yesterday and I spent four hours weaving a basket to patch the hole.
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>Twilight came out and explained to me that I was doing it wrong. I should fix a wooden fence with wood!
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>I knew this. I don't know why I forgot. I worry that I forgot but I'm too nervous to admit what happened so I tell Twilight I've been doing it that way for years and I appreciate her help.
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>Speaking of Twilight, her castle blocks the sun during certain parts of the day and casts a long shadow over the whole farm. I worry about that, but it doesn't seem to matter.
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>In fact I spend a lot of time away from the farm and nothing bad ever seems to happen.
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>Decide to test it out. Take a vacation out to Apaloosa and spend some time with my cousin, just catching up.
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>Get back a month later. Nothing has changed. Mac had no trouble by himself. Ran the entire farm alone.
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>Suddenly, some kind of magical earthworm attacks the farm!
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>Resolve it with the help of friends in twenty minutes.
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>Decide I won't do any work on the farm now, to see what happens. Convince Mac and Granny not to work either.
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>A month passes. Everything is fine.
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>Two months. No changes.
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>Three, four, six. Harvest time comes, and the harvest is exactly the same as it was last year.
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>I get called away to Crystal Kingdom for some kind of magical apocalypse scenario.
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>Come back and apples are all harvested. Mac didn't do it, Applebloom didn't do it, Granny didn't do it. Nobody knows what happens.
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>Begin to worry the farm has come to life and is draining our minds away to work itself.
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>Can't prove it to anyone.
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>All I do is wait here on the farm, doing nothing, and I worry. Good lord.
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[Rainbow Dash]
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>Be Rainbow Dash
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>Finally achieved life-long dream! Made it into the Wonderbolts!
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>They never call me into practice. The other ponies work on their routine from sun up to sun down, but I never go in. They never ask me to go in.
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>They do ask me to perform in shows, though. I never know the routines. I didn't practice any. They say it's fine.
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>Get upset. Decide that if they don't care, then I'll do my own routine!
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>My changes backfire. I cause two ponies to collide in mid air. One pony breaks a neck and will never walk again.
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>Spitfire tells me it happens to the best of us. She puts me on probation and makes me clean the stands again.
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>Feel guilty, so I blow off probation. Go to see the Wonderbolt in the hospital. He tells me it's fine because I'm so cool.
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>Don't know how to feel. It wasn't cool. I don't know what I did to earn that respect.
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>Worried, I forget I'm supposed to be cleaning.
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>Nobody says anything. Nobody cares.
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>The injury gets in the news. Sports casters forgive me, saying the others must not have practiced enough to keep up with the Element of Loyalty.
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>Don't understand. Watching the replay, I was all over the place. It was clearly my fault.
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>Don't feel cool. Don't feel cool at all.
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>Next day, pony comes by and asks me to sign like a hundred autographs. Everyone still loves me. Kids look up to me. Want to be like me.
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>They say I'm the coolest.
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>Find out the other pony in the accident broke his wing. He'll fly again, but now he's slow. Used to be the fastest Wonderbolt on the team after me.
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>He says it's cool.
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>Wonderbolts start to practice again. Twilight tells me I need to go to the Crystal Kingdom.
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>Wonderbolts say it's cool.
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>We go to the Crystal Kingdom. Shining Armor tells us a lot of information about an apocalypse scenario. Starlight Glimmer resolves it. The whole thing was... boring. Barely remember any of it.
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>Another show comes up. They want me in it again.
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>Scared. Say I can't. They say it's cool. I'm still a Wonderbolt.
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[Rarity]
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>Be Rarity
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>Running three boutiques now. Each one a smash hit
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>Not finding myself stretched thin at all. Have plenty of time for everything except on very, very specific occasions
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>With plenty of free time and all this money, decide to open a fourth boutique in Trottingham!
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>Instant smash hit! Another success!
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>Still not stretched thin. Decide to open another boutique in Las Pegasus.
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>Smash hit! Rarity is unstoppable
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>Still not too busy.
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>Begin to realize how busy I'm not, which is strange. I always strive to be busy.
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>Design new clothes and send them out. They all do well. Everyone loves every design.
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>Feel happy, but perplexed. Realize that I don't understand my success. Art is subjective but... a master must know something of what makes her work special.
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>Start trying different things. Different types of stones, different patterns. Each dress is equally successful. I can't discern any meaning behind it.
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>Languish.
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>Is it my brand? My name that sells now? Has the quality of my work lost meaning?
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>Don't release new dresses for weeks. Profits remain exactly the same.
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>Peculiar.
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>Decide to open another small boutique in Ponyville.
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>Smash hit. Like all the others.
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>Baffled.
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>Boutique opens in Apaloosa. Smash hit.
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>I'm not even designing dresses anymore.
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>Called away to Crystal Empire for apocalypse scenario. Resolved by Starlight Glimmer - harrowing but inconsequential. Find time to open a boutique in the Crystal Empire.
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>Smash hit.
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>Languish again.
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>Nothing matters. There is no measure of my quality.
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>As I waste away, doing nothing, I become the wealthiest pony in Ponyville.
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>How can achieving a dream feel... so much like a dream?
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[Pinkie]
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>Be Pinkie pie!
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>Throw a party!
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>Party is great! Best day ever!
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>Throw a party!
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>Party is awesome! Best day ever!
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>Throw a party!
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>Everyone loves party! Best day ever!
by kqaii
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