A Month in Jail for Wearing Socks Part 1

>Freshly arrived in Ponyland

>And you are being carted to jail for what was apparently public indecency whilst in the presence of royalty

>Why these little colorful horses consider wearing socks in public to be indecent is beyond you

>The royalty in question wasn't exactly complaining either

>You glance out the window of the carriage they've got you in and see a structure that looks vaguely like your old middle school

>Surrounded with tall fence

>Well, tall for them at least

>The carriage passes through a gate and approaches the building

>...wait, is this-?

>"On your feet, criminal!"

>The guard who'd been riding with you had been doing his best to be as far from you as possible

>They considered you a perv

>Can't say you'd blame them, considering you essentially appeared out of nowhere in the middle of their seat of government wearing what was, in their culture, essentially women's lingerie

>Still, he could tone down the attitude

>It's not like you knew

>You you get out of the carriage and check out your surroundings

>Yep, looks exactly like a middle school

>"Get moving, creep!"

>The guard pushes the back of your leg in an attempt to get you mobile

>You whip your head around and glower at him

"Fuck off, man. This is bullshit! Socks are perfectly normal to wear where I'm from!"

>The guard freezes

>Shit

>You said too much

>Well, here comes the first ass-kicking of your prison career

>The guard starts crying

>Wait, wat

 

>The guard's just staring up at you with tears in his eyes, sniffling

>"YOU MONSTER!"

>You turn, to see one of the horses pulling the coach angrily pointing at you

>"How could say such mean things?! You're going away for a long time!"

>...

>You subdued a prison guard

>With rude words

>Fuck this place, logic isn't a thing here

>While your brain was rendered inactive out of the sheer absurdity, a bunch of other guards had emerged from the building

>[Collective horse gasp]

>"What'd you do, you big ugly monkey?!"

>Ho fuck no

>You ain't about to take that from some punkass little horse

"I told him how /fucking/ stupid this whole situation is! I'm wearing socks because my feet get cold without them, not because I'm perverted! In fact, you assholes are the perverts, getting turned on by socks!"

>You're being a hypocrite, you love girls in knee socks

>Still, all you had on were normal ones

>These horses were definitely the ones in the wrong here

>Speaking of, they're reeling from your little tirade

>"S-so foul mouthed! Restrain him! Bring him in for processing!"

>You utter the time-honored battle cry of angry 20-something men

"COME AT ME BRO!"

>Unfortunately for the little weenie horses, you lift

>You bowl through the little group like ninepins, shrugging off the couple that clung to you

>...

>Isn't this going a little too well? How are they able to restrain their prisoners if they can't even-

>ZAP

>You hit the ground like a sack of potatoes, unable to move

>What just happened?

>Why are you paralyzed?

>"Is everypony alright?"

>"Warden! Thank goodness! We've got a nasty one here."

 

>Be Warden Sharp

>You were never sure why your parents named you that

>But boy, does it fit your job!

>You were in charge of the most secure prison in the Canterlot area, tasked with rehabilitating the hardest criminals in Equestria

>And you loved it!

>You believed everyone can make friends

>Even this new inmate

>Certainly, his crimes were rather icky, and his show of violence towards the guards was scary, but that's why you're here! To help him onto the right path!

"Are we all alright, gentlecolts? He really put a thumping on you!"

>Key Ring salutes

>"Afraid not, ma'am. We've got some boo-boos."

"Oh no!"

>He gestures to a few crying guards, being comforted by their friends

"Get them to the infirmary! We'll handle the inmate."

>The officer taps your shoulder, leaning in to whisper

>"This one's the nastiest I've ever seen, Miss Warden. I don't think he should be around the other inmates."

"Nonsense! Anypony can be reformed, Key Ring! We just have to remember the teachings of our... princesses..."

>You trail off as you notice Key Ring staring at something behind you, mouth agape

 

>Be Anon, a few moments earlier

>You've regained some control of your body, but what just happened?

>You'd assumed you'd been hit with a taser or something, but it didn't hurt

>So what was it?

>You slowly climb to your feet, shaking off some grogginess and becoming aware of someone talking behind you

>You turn to see one of the guards you thrashed earlier and a unicorn

>Still not as weird as those giant white and blue ones you saw earlier, but still weird

>The guard's just staring at you

>"Nonsense! Anyone can be reformed, Key Ring! We just have to remember the teachings of our... princesses..."

>She trails off as she realizes that he isn't listening, and turns to face you

>Her jaw drops

>"You...wha...how..."

"What'd you just hit me with?"

 

>The little horned horse squeaks in response

>"M-magic?"

>Magic?

>Seriously?

>A bold-faced lie if you've ever heard one

>Makes sense though

>Like hell they're going to tell you how they subdue you

>Guess it'd be better to cooperate for now

>Don't wanna start shit if they've got some weird, painless stun gun that can put you on your ass instantly

>...that's not much of a deterrent, actually.

>"How are you standing?"

>Oh

>She's recovered from her spaghetti fit

"I used my arms and legs to lift myself off the ground?"

>"But I hit you with a full-powered stun spell! You should be immobilized for an hour!"

>Huh

>She's claiming it's magic again

>Is she telling the truth?

>You've seen some weird things in your short tenure in this place

>Pegasi

>Unicorns

>Strange, giant combinations of the two that looked at you with expressions that had a little too much /desire/ in them for your comfort

>Maybe she isn't lying

>And if they really do have magic...

>It'd probably be best to play along, for now

"Uh, look. I'm sorry for beating up the guards. I was mad. I'm not a pervert or anything. Socks are what my kind wear to keep our feet warm, rather than intimate clothing."

>She looks encouraged now that you've cooled down some

>"Pardon me, but what are you anyway? I've never seen something like you before!"

"I'm a human."

 

>Be Warden Sharp

>This is so exciting!

>You KNEW anyone could be reformed!

>And he's a species you've never heard of!

>Freaky resistance to magic aside, all it took for the new inmate was some polite conversation!

>Leaving a still-gawking Key Ring behind, you lead your new prisoner into the complex

>INTERNAL GASP

"I'm so sorry! I haven't even asked your name yet!"

>"Oh, it's no problem. I'm Anonymous. But you can call me Anon."

>INTERNAL GASP x2

>He's letting you call him by nickname already?! So friendly!

"It's a pleasure to meet you, Anon! I'm Warden Sharp! You can just call me Warden!"

>"Alright."

>This is going swimmingly!

 

>Be Anon

>Warden's alright

>A little unnaturally bouncy, but she's a decent sort.

"So, uh..."

>"Yes?"

>She looks really eager to help

>You feel a little more hopeful about this whole prison thing

"Now that I've explained the whole sock thing, can I get my sentence shortened? How long am I in for, anyway?"

>Warden looks sad now

>"I'm sorry Anon. You were personally sentenced by the Princesses, and when you add on assaulting guardsponies to that..."

>OH SHIT

>She's right! You fucked up!

>You brace yourself

>This number isn't going to be pretty

>"I'm afraid you're in for four weeks..."

>...

"But that's, like, a month..."

>She looks teary-eyed

>"I know! And to think it's all the result of a misunderstanding! I'm so sorry Anon!"

>Are you missing something here?

>She's crying like you got the death penalty or something

"Hey, Warden, c'mon. It's just a month. I don't see wha-"

>"JUST a month?!"

>She's looking at you all wide-eyed

>"Anon, that's one of the longest sentences we've had in recent years! Normal ponies can't make it that long!"

>What?

>It's THAT bad in there?

>Is the outside just a facade?

>You're getting nervous again

>The little stun magic or whatever had brought you out of your little anger fit, but you can feel panic starting to build up inside of you

>What exactly goes on in there...?

 

>Since you're the only one around here wearing socks, you must still be Anon

>And so far, nothing about this prison backs up your fears

>Everything's just so...

>Happy

>By your standards at least

>Warden's been acting as if this is all deadly serious, and seems like she's expecting you to be intimidated

>But they have a pool! And clubs!

>How are you supposed to take this seriously?

>This isn't a prison, it's a luxury hotel crossed with a summer camp

>A luxury hotel that you are officially government-mandated to stay in for a month

>Sweet

>"And this is your room!"

>Warden's voice snaps you out of your thoughts

>She opens the door and leads you inside

>Wait

>She just opened it? No key or anything?

>Fucking horseland

>No wonder the guards were a joke

>Their criminals must be even more pathetic if they can't bust out of a place like this

>Speaking of

>It's fucking nice

>The bed is huge, and the whole room is well-furnished

>Beats the hell out of your apartment back home

>Why would you even /want/ to escape?

>"What do you think?"

>Warden looks up at you expectantly

"It's really nice! Even better than my old place. Thanks for showing me around, Warden."

>She looks a little taken aback

>"C-certainly, Anon. Now, dinner starts in a couple hours, so I'll have a guard come get you when it's time."

"Cool. Have a good one, Warden."

 

>You are Warden Sharp

>Poor Anon...

>He put up a brave face when you told him his sentence, but you saw right through him

>He didn't say word all through the tour, just stared around like he couldn't believe what was happening

>You couldn't either!

>Four weeks!

>He'll need someone to help him through this

>And although you'll be busy, you have the next-best candidate in mind...

 

>Back to being Anon the human, checking out your new digs

>Your initial suspicions of them being far superior to your old ones are confirmed

>You had your own bathroom!

>And a huge bed!

>And storage space, for some reason.

>Now that you've got a moment to yourself, you reach into your pocket and pull out your phone

>Looks like it survived whatever space/time phenomenon brought you here

>Still got your wallet and keys, too, but those won't have much use now

>You stow them in a little bedside drawer

>Warden Sharp said you had time to burn, so you figure you'll just nap

>You can see if there's any interesting clubs to join tomorrow

>You set a timer on your phone, and then flop onto the bed

>yaranaikaface.jpeg

>This bed

>This fucking bed

>How can it be this comfy

>You sink into the mattress, your consciousness already slipping...

 

>Wake up with a start

>...you're back in your apartment.

>You can't help but chuckle

>Talking, magical horses?

>College must really be fucking with you if you're having acid dreams without any acid

>You reach for your phone to check the time

>But you falter

>You can't quite put your finger on it, but something feels off

>You sit and listen, hearing nothing

>That's when it hits you

>That's what's off

>The pure, abject silence

>It should be a weekday

>And yet there's none of the usual weekday noise

>No noise from your roommate getting ready

>No noise from passing cars

>You're getting freaked out

"Emil?"

>You call your roommate's name

>You hear a giggle in response

>A feminine giggle

"Who's out there?"

>You get up, throwing the door open and rushing into the common room of the apartment

>Everything is in place

>Except for a big blue horse sitting in your armchair

"You? How are you here? This is-"

>"A dream, fair one."

>The entire chair floats and rotates, bringing her face-to-face with you

>"We simply could not wait for our sister to organize an audience, and thus we decided to visit thee ourself. Is this your old dwelling?"

>She looks all around your living room

>"Such a cramped space!"

>Oi

>It wasn't a the nicest apartment, but it was yours

>You bite back your indignation

"What do you mean, this is a dream? Aren't YOU a dream!?"

>She giggles again

>"My, flattery? Fear not. Thou have no need of it with us~"

>That wasn't a-

>Argh

>Whatever

>Let's just get a handle on what's happening

"So, if this is my dream, how are you in it? And why are you speaking like that?"

>She drops the bedroom eyes for a moment

>"We are the Princess of Night! Dreams are our domain! And, er, pardon my speech. Force of habit."

>She turns a little red

>...kinda cute

>No! Don't get distracted! She's literally inside your head right now!

 

>Her bedroom eyes return full force

>"You find me cute? The feeling is very much mutual. Come closer..."

>Dammit, she can hear your thoughts!

>Makes sense in a weird way. This /is/ all in your head.

>You also feel a compulsion to approach her, but you stand your ground

>Her eyes widen

>"A powerful dreamer to boot? If there was any doubt before, there is no longer! You shall be mine, before sister can lay claim!"

>She makes a lunge

>nope.avi

>You duck and roll out of the way, sprinting out of the door that formerly lead onto the back porch of your apartment

>You hop the little enclosure and book your shit out of the complex, blue dream horse hot on your heels

>"Halt! Do not resist! We promise you will enjoy this!"

>C'mon, dammit! This is your dream! So why can't you fly or some shi-

>You suddenly lift off into the air

"HELL YEAH!"

>You zoom off into the air, leaving the ground and your creepy dream stalker behind

>*Flap flap*

>...

>Spoke too soon

>"I can see your socks~"

>She caught up already?!

>She latches onto you midair

>How can she hold you without any hands?!

>How is any of this happening?!

>WHY is any of this happening?!

>"Magic, magic, and my attraction to you!"

"QUIT READING MY MIND!"

>"Give in to my affections! You need not live in squalor any longer!"

>You try to break out of her grip, but she's surprisingly strong

>Only one thing for it...

>You twist around

>And start tickling her belly

>"EEEEK?! Hahahahaha n-no! Cease this!"

>You don't

>If anything, you redouble your efforts

>She's giggling and squealing like a little kid

>You've got her now!

>"H-ha-ahahahaha!! N-n-n-nooo, please, I'm going to wake u-!"

>Bolt upright

>...

>You're back in your orgasmic bed in your cell

>What the hell was that?

 

>You get up off your bed, checking your phone

>You still had about half an hour left

>You decide to just try your best to forget about what just happened in dreamland

>If what she said was true, then there wasn't much you could do about it anyway

>You love sleep too much to give it up, and she's a princess

>Beside, you handled yourself pretty well in the dream. If she comes back, you'll be ready

>She called you a "powerful dreamer"

>Maybe you'll conjure up something a little more helpful than flight powers next time

>Like some T-60 power armor and a minigun

>Fuck yeah

>You kinda hope she does come back now

>You fire up some games on your phone, wasting time until you hear a knock at the door

"Come in!"

>You put your phone away

>They might take it for research or something

>In walks a male guardspony

>"Hello, inmate Anonymous. My name's Brass Badge. The warden appointed me to be your chaperone."

>He's pretty gruff-looking, but he speaks politely enough.

>He's got some sick mutton chops going on too

>Reminds you of Jet from Bebop

"Nice to meet you Brass Badge. Why do I need a chaperone though?"

>"Warden says you're a good guy who's just misunderstood. My purpose is to both observe you and see if that's true, and to help you acclimate to your new circumstances."

>Warden's already looking out for you? Nice!

>You knew she was cool

"Sounds good, man. So, dinnertime?"

>He nods

>"Yep. Let's walk and talk."

>The pair of you leave your room and head down the hall

>"Now, Warden tells me you're a human. I like to think I've been around, but I don't think I've ever seen your sort before. Where do you call home?"

>Huh

>Where IS Earth from here?

>...you doubt it's even the same dimension

"Well... It's a place called Earth. It's a ways away. Not sure exactly how far. But it's pretty decent."

 

>Brass Badge just nods

>"Your folk got any relation to minotaurs? You look awfully similar."

"Not in terms of genetics, no. But back home, there's a famous story of a human who beat a minotaur in a fight."

>His eyebrows shoot up

>"Is that right? That'd be a heck of an achievement! They're a tough bunch. Sound like you humans are too."

>You chuckle

"Yeah. I'm pretty tough myself."

>By human standards

>You're pretty sure you're Superman by pony standards, but you'll test that later

>Brass Badge leads you through a propped-open door, and into a large cafeteria

>There's a whole lot of horses in here

>And...

>...Sphinxes?

>Nah, not sphinxes, it's similar though

>Griffons!

>There it is

>There's a few of those. They have their own little group in the corner.

>And all eyes are on you

>"...that's him..."

>"...whole group of guards..."

>You only catch vague snatches of conversation, but it's enough.

>You've already got a rep

>Neat

>"Don't mind it, Anonymous. This way."

>Your chaperone leads you to the food line

>It's a buffet

>In prison

>It's so strange to you, but at this point, you're kinda starting to love it

>You load up on food while Brass Badge does the same, and then find a table

>"So, Anon - you mind if I call you that? Your full title's a bit long."

"Sure. Can I call you Brass?"

>"Sure. Now, I'd kinda like to discuss your crimes a bit."

>Here we go

>"Mind telling me what you were doing in the middle of Day Court, wearing socks of all things?"

>It's always about the socks

>Why didn't he ask about you beating up the other guards? At least that one's badass

"Look, like I told Warden, they're normal clothing for humans. and I'm not even sure how I wound up in Day Court in the first place. I didn't mean to break any laws, and I'm /definitely/ not some weirdo trying to make people uncomfortable."

>He considers your words

>"Fair enough. And you really don't remember how you got there?"

"Not a bit. Hanging out at home one minute, there the next."

 

>Brass scrunches his face up

>You shouldn't find that cute, but you kinda do

>"Sounds like magic was involved... But if that's true, then the Princesses will surely help you once your sentence is up."

>Right

>The princesses

"I've been meaning to ask about them. I... heard one of them can control dreams or something. Is that true?"

>"Yeah. That'd be Princess Luna."

>Luna

>Yep

>That's the same one that tried to "claim" you during your nap

>"And the other one? And what about their parents? King or Queen around?"

>"Princess Celestia is the other princess. You likely saw her when you were apprehended at Day Court. As for their parents, it's been millennia since the King and Queen ascended. Why?"

>Back the fuck up

>/Millennia/?

"...you're messing with me, right?"

>"Nope. The princesses have been around for a looooong time, and they'll be here a while longer too. Surprised you don't know. Earth must be pretty secluded!"

"You could say that, yeah."

>Brass doesn't question any further, and you both just focus on finishing your food

>You both get your dishes in the dirty bin and head back to your cell

>You give Brass a pat on the back as you move to open the door

"Thanks for the talk, Brass. Looking forward to working with you."

>...he's looking at you funny

>"Anon... I'm flattered, but we just met. Plus, I don't swing that way."

>What the flying fu-

>You just patted him on the back!

"I'm sorry, /what/?"

>He keeps looking at you incredulously for a few seconds

>Then something dawns on him

>"Wait, what does a pat on the back mean in human culture?"

"It's like... a gesture of friendship. But it can be for encouragement or congratulations too. Why? What does it mean for you?"

>Brass chuckles

>"Touching a pony's back below the shoulders is... flirty. Miiiiighty flirty."

>Oh god

"No homo!"

>You're safe now

>Brass just laughs

>"Just be mindful in the future, eh? Also, you got a minute?"

 

"Dude, I'm in prison. Time's all I got left."

>You left out the "in another dimension" part

>He doesn't need to know

>Brass opens the door and walks into your room, taking a seat at a small table

>"Warden tells me you're pretty darn strong. Wanna try and back it up?"

>Hell yeah

"Always. What's the challenge?"

>He rests a foreleg on the table, in the unmistakable posture for arm-wrestling

>"The oldest challenge there is."

>One

>You're pretty fucking sure horse skeletons aren't meant to bend like that

>Two

>You beat the stuffing out of a bunch of his coworkers earlier today and he's fronting up on you like he thinks he's got a shot?

>This little horse has some cojones

>You can respect that

>You throw a competitive grin his way as you take an opposing seat

"You're on. Just don't cry when you lose, okay? I'd feel bad."

>"Ha! Let's do it!"

>You enclose his hoof in your fist

>His hoof also bends slightly around your fingers

>Shit's weird man

"Count us off."

>"3!"

>"2!"

>"1!"

>"GO!"

>Brass gives a mighty pull

>And your arm doesn't even budge

>You figured this would happen

>Well, he's a cool guy, so you'll let him down gently

>Your arm begins its unstoppable trek to the surface of the table, Brass' hoof beneath it the whole way

>He's puffing and wheezing like a smoker, trying to put more strength into his hoof

>No dice

>You drive it home with a resounding "thunk"

>And shoot him your best shit-eating grin

"Best 2 out of 3?"

>He shakes his head, still breathing hard

>"Sheesh! That's my first loss in years! And you're something else! Count me out of the rematch."

>Victory is sweet

>Even when it's hella easy

>You refrain from saying that out loud, though

"Hey, Brass, thanks again. I'll tell the Warden you're doing a hell of a job getting me acclimated next time I see her."

>He looks at you curiously

>"What's that word mean? Hell?"

>Ah, you forgot

"Uh, it's a human word. When someone does something really well, they did a hell of a job."

 

>He doesn't need to know the other definition

>There's a lot of stuff about your world that these colorful little horses don't need to know

>"Well, then, since I know when I'm beaten, I'll leave you be for the night, Anon. Whew..."

>You're about to bid him goodnight, when you realize

>If touching a horse's lower back is lewd

>What about their belly...?

>The dream with Luna runs through your mind

>Better ask to be sure

"Hey, Brass. One last thing. Is there any other place I shouldn't be touching horses?"

>He turns back from the door

>"Ponies. We're ponies, Anon."

>Same damn thing

"Yeah, fine. Any other places that are off-limits?"

>He puts a hoof to his chin

>"Flank, obviously. And some ponies don't like the bottom of their hooves touched. Withers are usually alright, but it's kinda circumstantial. Nose, for certain. Oh, and belly. Deeeeeeeefinitely the belly."

>Uh-oh

"Why? What's so important about the belly?"

>Brass raises an eyebrow at you for a moment, then remembers you're not from around here

>"Well... It's highly sensitive. Ticklish. And ponies kinda... Feel really good when it's touched. Like, /really/ good, Anon. If you touch a pony on their tummy it should only be because you care about 'em. And with that, goodnight!"

>Brass leaves

>You're frozen in place

>During your dream

>You tickled Luna's belly

>She was squealing

>A lot

>And she woke up from it

>What if it wasn't because of the laughter

>What if it was because you made her c-

>NO!

>BRAIN?!

>DON'T YOU DARE FINISH THAT THOUGHT!

>You run into the bathroom, hoping there's enough hot water in the sink to make your hands feel clean again

 

>You are Brass Badge

>Former Solar Guard, and current head of prison security

>And you are very concerned about this new inmate

>When you received a missive from Princess Celestia about the new inmate, with a personal request to observe him, you knew he was going to be serious business

>The Sun Princess does not call in favors lightly, and she trusted you to carry out this task

>You'd believed it would be simple

>You saw some serious business in your days in the Solar Guard

>Border skirmishes with buffalo

>Rescue operations into changeling hives

>You'd even fought against the minions of Nightmare Moon during her short-lived return, before Princess Luna was returned to her senses

>So many tears

>So many boo-boos

>You'd thought yourself hardened against anything

>Yet this... this "human"...

>You didn't believe Warden when she told you about the incident with the guards

>You didn't believe that he could take a fully-charged stun spell and get right back up

>And you played off his boast about one of his people besting a minotaur

>Until you felt that horrific strength for yourself

>You are by no means a weak pony

>But your hoof is still shaking from strain

>And he showed no visible effort in trouncing you

>And he has magic resistance atop that?

>You had barely managed to keep your composure as you left, answering his final questions quickly

>You had to report this

>Her Highness had to know Anonymous was a disaster waiting to happen

>If another inmate set him off, or if he up and decided that he didn't want to serve his sentence, you wouldn't be able to do a darn thing to stop him!

>You gallop back to your office

>She'd be here soon, she wanted to hear your report in person

>You shove the door open, just as the room was filled with a blinding flash of sunlight

>Her Royal Highness Celestia, Bringer of Dawn, gazed down at you.

>"Good evening, Brass Badge. Your report?"

>You take a moment to catch your breath

 

"Your Majesty... After spending an evening observing the human and gauging his demeanor, I have reached my conclusion. He isn't safe to contain. Not here. He got into an altercation with the guards out of sheer anger the moment he set foot out of the carriage, and did not cease until Warden Sharp attempted to pacify him with a stun spell. The stun spell, according to Warden, was fully charged, and yet the inmate was only subdued for a matter of seconds. Not an hour. Not minutes. Seconds. I took the liberty of attempting to assess his physical strength as well. It was... I've never felt so helpless, and he was using only /one limb/. He's the closest thing I've seen to a sapient monster, and he cannot be contained here. We simply don't have the resources to-"

>"Is his demeanor violent?"

>The princess cuts you off midstream

"As reported, he attacked the guards-"

>"When he was angry, correct? And when he calmed himself, did he still show violent tendencies?"

"...no, ma'am."

>"Did you learn the cause for his wrath?"

"Socks are apparently normal attire for him and his folk. Taking that into account... I don't think he'd much care for the guards' usual treatment of creeps."

>Creep, of course, being the legal term for ponies, or in this case humans, who do creepy things

>Like wear socks in public

>L-lewd

>"And how did he act towards you? You met him hours after the incident, yes?"

"Correct, ma'am. He was... calm. Surprisingly so. Most first-time offenders are nervous wrecks when they arrive in prison, and yet... He wasn't. It was as if he weren't intimidated in the slightest by the idea of spending four weeks in the slammer."

>The princess' eyebrows rise

>"Four weeks? I believe I ordered him detained only until order was restored in the court?"

"Additional time for assaulting prison staff and foul language, your highness."

>"Hm... That will have to be remedied, and soon."

"Y-your highness?"

>What could she mean?

 

>"I wish to meet him. Did he name himself?"

"Y-yes, his name's Anonymous, but-"

>"Anonymous..."

>The princess rolls the name off her tongue, as if enjoying the sound of it

"Your majesty, are you certain of this?"

>"Yes. You said yourself the he is not inherently violent. You enjoyed your time with him, didn't you? Before he frightened you?"

>...yeah

>He was pretty nice, actually

>Some inmates can be real jerks to the guards

>Tripping them in the halls

>Shooting spitballs at them

>Rude messages scrawled on the door to the guard's lounge

>All terrors prison guards had to learn to deal with

>None of it from Anon

>Granted, he hadn't really been here long enough to cause much mayhem, but...

>You just didn't get the feeling he'd do something like that

"You're right, Princess. I... got ahead of myself. I should apologize!"

>Princess Celestia smiles

>"We can go see him together, then."

>You nod, leading the Princess back towards Anon's cell

>Hopefully he isn't asleep already!

>Wait

>You still have a couple questions

>As you walk, you turn to the princess

"Princess? If I may ask, do you know where Anon's from? He said his home is a place called Earth, but it seems strange to live somewhere named after dirt..."

>You miss the princess' eyes widening momentarily

>She takes a moment to respond

>"I believe Anonymous to come from another world entirely, Brass Badge. As for the name of Earth, it may seem strange, but believe it or not, I have heard it once before."

"Really? Does that mean you've met another human, Princess?"

>"What did you learn about Faust while you were in school, Brass Badge?

>Well that hardly seems relevant

>But you're not about to question the avatar of the sun

"Faust is the creator of this world, the eldest of the alicorns. She ascended even before your honored parents did, right?"

>Her majesty smiles

>"Correct on all counts but one! Faust was not, contrary to what is taught in schools, an alicorn. She was a human, from Earth."

>Wha...

>But...

 

"But... But Princess..."

>"Yes?"

>You're starting to hyperventilate

"That means... Anonymous... is kin to Faust...?"

>She hums

>"It's a possibility. I do not know how many humans there are."

>Oh

>Oh biscuits

>You

>Earlier

>The hoof wrestling

>YOU CHALLENGED AN ELDER GOD

>WHAT HAVE YOU DONE BRASS BADGE?!

>WHAT IF HE'S DISPLEASED?!

>[internal horse gasp]

>IS THAT WHY HE WAS ASKING ABOUT WHERE PONIES DON'T LIKE TO BE TOUCHED?!

>IS THAT THE PUNISHMENT HE HAS IN MIND?!

>You bolt down the corridor to Anon's cell, the confused princess hurrying to follow

>Maybe if you beg for mercy, he'll spare you!

>Or maybe the Princess can intercede! She knew Faust! She could calm him down!

 

>You are short one layer of skin on your hands, so you must be Anon

>You scrubbed like a motherfucker, trying to wash off the shame

>You inadvertently pleasured a horse princess

>Who can invade dreams

>And may or may not return tonight

>At least you'll be ready

>You're a lot of things, but a zoophile isn't one of them

>That'd be Uncle Incognito

>A frantic knock at your door brings you out of your haze of disgust and dread

>You move to check the door, only for it to explode open before you're even halfway across the room

>A frenzied Brass Badge appeared!

>"ANON I'M SO SORRY I DIDN'T REALIZE YOU WERE A GOD PLEASE DON'T TOUCH MY NO-NO PARTS I'LL DO ANYTHING-"

>Jesus Christ, what's gotten into him? What's all this about you being a god?

"Look, Brass, we talked about this remember? Neither of us are into dudes. Just calm do-"

>You're cut off when you see someone else standing in the door to your cell

>It's her

>The Great White Horse

>The one at the court or whatever

>Her name was Celestia, right?

>What could she want?

>Oh!

>Maybe she found out that this was all a huge misunderstanding and she's gonna pardon you?!

>That'd be sweet!

>You mean, not like your stay has been bad or anything, but you wanna go home

>Emil's probably losing his shit trying to figure out where you're at

 

>...

>You've been waiting for her to say something, but she's just staring at you

>Mouth slightly agape

>Cheeks a little rosy

>You're getting weirded out

"...can I help you, Princess?"

>Better be polite if you want out of here

>She snaps out of it

>"Oh! No, I would never impose! Rather, it is I who should be offering you my service, High One!"

>nigga wut

>She steps into your cell and makes what appears to be the horse equivalent of a bow

>"It is my honor to stand in your presence, and it would be an even greater one to serve you, Kin of Faust."

>...Faust?

>That's a human name, unless there are little German horses running around somewhere

>Have humans been here before?

>Let's roll with it

>Maybe you can get her to help you get home

>Tell her your people need you or some shit

"Ahem. No need for formalities, Celestia. And yes, I do indeed require your aid."

>Fucking nailed the intro

>She looks really excited too

>Like when you tell your little cousins you'll let them play M-rated games behind their parents' backs

>C-cute

>"Truly? You need only speak your desire, and I will see it done!"

>Nice

>You've got a princess fawning over you

>Dad would be proud

"I require your aid in returning to my home realm of Earth. I was parted from it by forces unknown, and must return swiftly. My people have need of me."

>She's all wide-eyed

>"A-at once! I will return to the castle, and seek any clues as to how you were brought here. If we can determine that, we can work on how to return you! W-would you like to board at the castle while you wait?"

>Blush + lip bite

>U-unf

>NO!

>She's a horse

>A strangely attractive horse, but a horse all the same

>Now how are you gonna play this?

>...

>Let's stay here.

>For one, you'll just freak out more horses if you leave the prison

>For two

>You're pretty damn sure Luna's going to be in that castle

>And that's an encounter you'd rather not have

 

"I shall remain here, Celestia. Your ponies may not be ready for my presence just yet, and I find my lodgings sufficient. You may contact me whenever you wish."

>You're pretty decent at pulling off this big shot act

>You just wish you knew what she was talking about

>"O-of course! You may be correct, O Anonymous. My ponies can be rather excitable. I... I will be in regular contact with reports on our progress! I'll see you soon!"

>BLINDING FLASH O' SUNLIGHT OUTTA NOWHERE

"What the fuck?!"

>You fall on your ass like a sperg

>...she's gone?

>Was that magic?!

>Awesome!

>Warden wasn't kidding!

>Brass Badge is still here, and also dazed

>He's also looking at you with a mix of fear and awe

>"I-I must beg your pardon. I didn't know you were-"

>You hold up a hand, interrupting him

"Don't worry about it, Brass. We're still friends."

>His face lights up

>"Really?"

"Really. Thanks for bringing Celestia to see me."

>His face falls again, and he's staring at the floor

>"About that... I have a confession to make, Anon."

>Huh?

"What is it?"

>"I... I was asked to watch you by Princess Celestia. I didn't know why at first, but I guess it's since she holds you in such high regard. And she's here tonight because I was giving her my report. And... And I said..."

>Wow

>Whatever this is, it looks like it's tearing him up inside

>"...I told her you were really dangerous."

>...

>What, that's it?

"Brass... That's not something to apologize for. After all, it's the truth."

>He looks up at you

"I hurt those guards earlier, right? Plus, like with the arm wrestling earlier, I'm way stronger than ponies are. I could hurt someone by accident. You gotta help me stay out of trouble, alright?"

>He brightens up immediately

>"You got it!"

>He yawns

>"Oh... Sorry. It's getting late, Anon. We oughta head to bed."

>Cool, he's back to talking like he usually does

>Although you need to act like a god to keep up the illusion so Celestia helps you, you'd rather not be worshipped

 

"Alright. Goodnight for real, Brass. See you tomorrow."

>"Yeah! Goodnight Anon!"

>He heads out

>Alright

>Time to get amped out of your mind for a dream battle with Celestia's dream-stalking sister

>And figure out what you should do to combat her

>Power armor and a minigun still seems like a good option

>But should you make it shoot cotton balls or something?

>Celestia can't find out that you were trying to hurt her sister, dream or otherwise

>You don't actually /want/ to hurt her anyway

>Maybe make it shoot something sticky so she gets stuck or something?

>That'd work

>Plus, then she wakes up, tells Celestia about your badass (by their standards) combat skills, and reinforces the god image even further

>Perfect plan

>Let's do it

>You whip out your phone and put on some music to lull you to sleep

>After about half an hour, you drift off

>braceyourselfabluehorseiscoming.jpg

>You wake up in...

>...where the hell is this?

>It's a big-ass hallway

>Looks like it belongs in a palace

>But there's no windows or anything

>No side doors either

>It just leads to a pair of huge, ebony doors

>With a crescent moon emblazoned on either one

>You hear her giggle

>"Come, fair one. I await you."

>Her voice is coming from behind the doors.

>It's go time

>You stride down the hallway

>You'll /make/ her understand

>You throw open the doors

>Thar she blows

>You're in a pretty opulent bedchamber

>And she's right there, stretched out on the bed

>Trying to look sexy

>...kinda succeedi-

>NO WAI-

>She's already laughing again

>Shit

>Fucking mind-reading dream horse

>"You cannot hide your desires from me, certainly not after our last rendezvous! Come to me. My belly longs for your touch~"

>Goddammit

>You knew she'd be like this

>You fucked up when you tickled her belly last time

>Now she thinks you want it

>Time to set her straight and further cement your-

>...

>That was close

>"Cement your what~?"

>She's off the bed now, sashaying towards you

>Stupid sexy horse

 

>She stops just short of you, her face looking up into yours

>You've got a good few inches on her

>"Give in to your desires. I welcome it."

>God mode initiated

"I'll do no such thing. I am here not to woo, but to do battle for the sanctity of my mind, Princess of the Moon."

>She pouts

>"Do I not satisfy you...?"

>She turns slowly in place, showing her body

>F-fuck

>Her body looks pretty damn tight

>Ass so fat you gotta bite your lip

>And you can't help but-

>OHGODNODON'TSHIT

>You did the thing!

>Why did you do the thing?!?

>You imagined her in knee socks!

>She's got her hungry grin back

>"So socks /do/ hold some intimate significance with your kind... Most excellent to know. Now... /Behold/..."

>Slowly

>Agonizingly slowly

>Long, horizontally-striped blue-and-black socks materialize up her legs

>Shit

>Your fetish

>Your dick reacts

>You will never be clean again

>Time to play hardball

"I'll ask but once more. Leave me to peaceful sleep, or be driven from my mind! Choose!"

>She merely gives another fucking impossibly sultry grin in response

>"Then drive me, if you believe yourself capable! Show me your power, o beautiful dreamer!"

>You don't need any further invitation

"Gaze upon the might of the humans, insolent pony!"

>You close your eyes and focus

>You imagine the shape and size of the T-60

>The little details

>How it moves

>Everything

>The dream starts to bend around you, morphing the very air into the metal of your armor

>As the mask seals shut over your face, you see Luna suddenly looking a hell of a lot less sure of herself

>Excellent

>Let's drive that point home

>You focus on the minigun

>What should you make it shoot?

>Has to be something harmless...

>But it still has to make an impact

>Let's go with...

>Bouncy balls

>Hell yeah

>Those super balls you used to get from the quarter dispensers

>Alright

>You visualize the gun and its rotating barrel

>The dream shifts again, materializing the gun into your hands

>Time to test fire

>Luna's eyes are saucers

 

>The minigun spools up

>And fires for a split second

>Bouncy balls fly everywhere, bouncing all over the place and breaking shit

>...

>Maybe bouncy balls were too much

>Fuck it

>Let's just make it a Nerf gun

>Switch ammo

>The dream bends slightly again

"You will be spared the full might of human weaponry so you do not pass out. You will experience the /entirety/ of your punishment."

>She shivers

"Now... prepare your body!"

>Spool up and fire

>Foam darts

>Foam darts everywhere

>Luna's getting pelted

>She bolts from the room

>"M-most impressive! But this amount of pain is nothing! I shall not yield yet!"

>Huh

>Well, it kinda makes sense she'd be tougher than the average pony

>You follow her out the door, into-

>A garden maze?

>She can do some crazy stuff with dreams

>You slowly walk into the hedges, trying to keep your mind clear so she can't get an advantage

>You can hear her moving around somewhere though

>You continue your advance until you reach a huge clearing

>There she is

>With a fuckton of guards

>She's got her own battle armor on now too

>"You handle yourself well against one! But show me how you handle this! These ponies are from an age long past, they do not fear boo-boos!"

>...do those little horses have fangs?

>Damn

>This'll get ugly if you let them get close

>And your gun won't mow them all down in time

>Time for some gun mods

>Shredder

>Except with long, rubber strands

>Like one of those big spinny brushes in a carwash

>As for ammo

>Those little snaps you can get on the 4th of July

>You summon up a back-up weapon too

>You do your best not to think about what it does though

>Luna can't know or else she'll try to stop it

>You're ready

"Bring it!!"

>You open fire into the pony army

>They charge

>It's like the final battle scene from The Last Samurai

>They're getting mowed down left and right

>Except they're just squealing and cowering when the snaps go off against their armor

>But they're still coming

>Gotta give the little horses credit

 

>They hasten the advance, trying to reach you before you can hit them

>Some of them are flying at you

>You target those first

>They fall out of the air with yelps and squeaks as the snaps hit them

>You refocus on the ground forces

>They're nearly in melee range

>You angle the mini gun barrel for your rubber shredder to do its work

>Slappityslappityslap

>The first one gets it right in the face

>You keep swinging your gun, the rubber strands laying a (light) beating on any little horse that gets too close

>You've broken their morale

>They can't even touch you, and aren't sure what to do next

>A few spells hurtle towards you

>They've got unicorns

>The beams wash over you before you can will spell resistance into your armor

>You're pretty much fine anyway, just dazed for a few seconds

>The guards are thoroughly frightened now

>Luna...

>Looks aroused

>Shit

>She flies over the host of disheartened guards, landing in front of them

>"Do not lose heart! Did you allow your brothers and sisters to receive such terrible frights for naught?!"

>They're starting to get amped up again now that she's going to lead them personally

>Alright

>Time to end this

>You switch weapons...

>Pulling out a Fat Man

>But not just any Fat Man

>Luna scoffs

>"A mere shoulder mounted catapult? Hardly a threat! Your previous weapon was better!"

>You scoff right back

"You think to lecture me on my own people's tools of war? Learn the depth of your folly!"

>You bring the Fat Man to bear

>Pull the trigger

>Luna's magic catches one altered mini-nuke as it leaves the cradle...

>...But not the seven other ones

>Experimental MIRV, baby

>The mini-nukes explode

>With paint

>Ponies are getting fucking coated

>The dream guards give up

>They're either flying away or booking their shit out of the clearing

>Just you and Luna now

>A paint-covered, heart-broken Luna

>She's tearing up

>"Why...? Why do you resist so? Do you like our sister more?"

>Fuck

>That face

>It's your kryptonite

>You drop your weapon

 

>You disengage your power armor

>Luna looks on, slightly awed, as it opens and you step out

>You approach her

>...she's a mess

>She's got a bunch of paint all over her

>Some on her face

>Her tears running trails through it

>You're kind of an asshole for doing this

>You should try and explain

>Make her understand that you don't find anything wrong with her

"Come here, Luna."

>She shakily rises, sniffling

>You gently place a hand on her muzzle, turning her face up to look at you

>You will the paint away, restoring her and her battle armor to pristine condition

>You keep your hand resting gently on her face as you speak

"Luna, of the Moon. I find no flaw with you. Your beauty is something that I can find little comparison to, even among the wonders of my home."

>She visibly brightens

"I am simply unready to accept your affections. I am newly come to your lands, by events I neither willed nor desired. I've tasked your sister with securing a path for my return. Even if I were to take you into my arms right this moment, I could very well leave you tomorrow."

>She's back on the verge of tears again

>"W-why? Why leave? You could rule here! No sane pony would oppose it! You are kin to Faust, you are surely destined to be here!"

>There's that name again

>Should you ask?

>...no

>Not right now

>Luna needs comfort, not questions

"Because my old parents would go mad from grief. I am their only son, Luna. As we speak, my friends likely search for me, wondering what could possibly have become of me that I would go with no trace. Would you subject them to such sadness?"

>You also had a metric fucking ton of classwork you would need to catch up on after being gone for a day

>But that's not critical right now

>Luna sniffs

>"...no..."

>You rub her face a little

>She leans into it

>"...show me your world."

>What?

"What?"

>"Show me the world of humans. Your memories."

>Well shit, it's the least you could do

>But only the good stuff

 

>You gently reach around Luna and pick her up

>She squeaks

>You don't even try to mask your thoughts on how cute that was

>She's also pretty light

>You change the dream

>You're back in your room in your apartment

>You set Luna down on the bed

"Remove your armor. I shall make this a comfortable experience for you."

>She blushes, but complies

>You arrange the blankets and pillows into a little nest, climb in, and pat your lap

>Luna looks ecstatic

>She scrambles over and does her best to fit her entire self onto your lap

>Doesn't quite work

>You pick her up again, moving stuff around and laying her down so the front part of her body lays on your lap, the back half on pillows, and then throw a blanket over the whole thing

>She leans her head against your chest

>That's one happy pony

>Right

>Showtime

>You close your eyes and concentrate, the rest of your room falling away from the bed, leaving only darkness

>At first

>You think you'll kick this off with a bang

>4th of July, in Washington D.C.

>When you open your eyes, your bed is now on the roof of your aunt's condo

>You've got a hell of a view of the Washington and Jefferson Monuments, as well as the Potomac River

>Luna's looking around, drinking it all in

>"Where is-?"

>CRACK

>"AAAGH!"

>The fireworks were massive, so their detonations could actually be felt

>She clings to you

"Peace, Luna. They are fireworks."

>She looks up and sees them, gasping

>"How pretty... Is this some festival?"

>Hm

>You could tell her the straight truth

>But you want to keep up the godlike image of your world

>Multiple nations and whatnot would somewhat cheapen that

>Let's twist it a little

"It is a yearly summer celebration, honoring camaraderie and good cheer. Fireworks are a mainstay of the festivities."

>Luna looks on in wonder, and examines the landmarks

>"The city is beautiful! Where is it? And that pillar, is it a monument? That domed building over there also stands out, the architecture reminds me of ancient Pegasi styling!"

 

"Yes. Both are monuments to famous humans. As for this city, it is the one of the most important on Earth."

>Her eyes widen

>"Is it your Canterlot?"

"Similar, yes."

>She accepts that

>She's content to just attempt to fuse her upper body to your lap and her cheek to your chest while she watches the fireworks

>"Most beautiful, Anonymous... Is this the city you reside in?"

"No. I live far away from here, but saw this sight when I came to visit an aunt."

>She looks up at your face

>"How many humans are there?"

>Ohhhhhh boy

>How do you field that one?

>You're not sure how she'd react to the real number...

>Hm...

>Plead ignorance?

"I do not know, exactly. But I have seen a great many of my fellows in my life."

>Which begets a whole other slew of questions from a rapt-at-attention Luna

>Some in a very quiet voice

>"And how old /are/ you? Are humans dominant in your world? Are there other species? W-What's your ideal age range for a m-mate? Have you met Faust? What powers do you hold? Do you like astronomy? Do you like females with hobbies...?"

>You shake your head, chuckling

>Is she trying to slip those in and hoping you'll answer unwittingly?

>Fucking cute

>You're going to tease her a little

"Oh my, Princess, I don't believe some of those questions pertain to my home?"

>...that's a bright shade of pink she just turned

>How does she do that with blue fur?

>"I-I demand you answer my-!

>Whoa

>The dream's shaking?!

>You look to Luna, who's looking up at you sadly

>"You are awakening... And we only got to see one memory..."

>You smile

"We shall just have to do this again tonight, won't we?"

>"T-truly?! Oh Anonymous, we adore you!"

>Heh

>Well

>Cuteness like /that/ can't go unpunished

>You plant a kiss on her forehead, right under her horn

>The last thing you see as the dream crumbles is her staring up you, biting her lip

>F-fuck, she's even better at that than her sister

>...

>Your eyes open, to see the ceiling of your cell

 

>You get up, checking your phone out of habit

>You realize you left it playing music all night during your dream adventures with Luna

>It's at about 40%

>Let's turn it off for now, conserve power

>After shutting it down and stashing it with your wallet and keys, you begin the morning trinity of activities

>Except no shave, because no razors in prison

>As you shower, you reflect

>You realize something

>You like Luna

>Last night was fun

>And it genuinely hurt you to see her so sad after the short battle against you

>You liked her sister too, though you'd interacted with her less

>Celestia was nice, and just as pretty as her sister

>And you vividly recall the look on her face when she invited you to stay at the castle

>Not even one day gone and a pair of ancient, quasi-immortal princesses with crazy powers wanted you

>Feels good man

>You finish up, grab one of the provided towels, and dry off, stepping into your room

>You realize something else

>Shouldn't you have a uniform or something?

>Everyone had one on back in the cafeteria

>You also don't have any proper clothes other than the ones you came in

>Right then, there's a knock at your door

>"Anon? Are you awake?"

>Brass?

"Hey Brass, don't come in just yet. Is there a uniform I can wear?"

>"Check your closet!"

>You check

>Yup

>Red prison uniform get

>After you get dressed, you head out into the hall

>Brass is there waiting

>"Good to see you found it. Ready for breakfast?"

"Heck yeah. Let's go."

>The pair of you head over the the cafeteria

>As you head in, you're met with a bunch of stares again

>You don't pay any heed this time

>You and Brass load up, grabbing a table towards the back

>You notice something

"Hey Brass, what do the uniform colors mean?"

>You can see a few different ones from here

>"Ah. Gray's low-level misdemeanors, orange is regular felons, and red is high-level felons. There's black too, but they eat their meals separately. Only the truly evil get black, Anon."

>Huh

>You're high-level then

 

>You continue eating and scanning the cafeteria

>The resemblance to a middle school isn't just in your head, it seems

>There's a bit of cliquish behavior at tables

>And you already know most of these horses have the pain tolerance & emotional maturity of middle schoolers anyway, so...

>Nah

>Actually

>That's kind of an insult to human middle schoolers

>Regardless, you aren't particularly worried about what they'll do

>You're a red-suit, plus you tower over them

>You doubt they'll even try anything with you, though there'll probably be a few guys with something to prove

>How will you handle that?

>Maybe Brass will take care of it? He's your chaperone, right?

>Yeah

>That makes sense

>You can't deal with it yourself

>You'd hurt them

>Whether physically or emotionally

>But maybe that'd be okay?

>Self-defense and all that?

>Let's ask

"Brass."

>"Yeah?"

"If someone tries to start something with me, can I defend myself?"

>He thinks for a moment

>"Well, I'll be with you most of the day since I'm your chaperone, but I will eventually have to go tend to paperwork... I'd say yeah. Just, you know, be careful. The difference in strength between you and average ponies is no joke. I can appreciate that you're a powerful being who shouldn't have to put up with nonsense like that, but it's just how bad ponies are. If someone bugs you while I'm not around, you can just get me their name and I'll deal with 'em later."

"Cool. I'll control myself."

>He chuckles

>"I sure hope so. Some of those guards you hurt are still in the infirmary."

>Oh come on!

>The worst they had were bruises!

>Little bitches

>You just laugh right back

"You ponies aren't too durable, huh?"

>That gets his attention

>"Boo-boos are serious business, Anon. Don't they hurt for you too?"

"Well, sure, but those guys from yesterday just got thrashed a little. It's not like I broke the skin, right?"

>"But bruises hurt! Ponies can't do their jobs when they're in pain!"

>Wow

>You're not sure how to respond to that

 

>The rugby enthusiast in you wants to make fun

>But you have an even better idea

"What's the worst you've ever been hurt?"

>Brass smirks, thinking he's going to get to show off how big of a boss he is

>"Took some changeling spit to the face on a raid. Itched. For. Days."

>That would be kind of badass

>If it did more than itch

>Now, initiate phase two

"You wanna know what one of the worst I've had is?"

>You have a grin on your face comparable to the Cheshire Cat from Alice in Wonderland

>Brass is conflicted

>He wants to know

>But at the same time he doesn't want to know what a "god" who can effortlessly beat up grown ponies would consider an injury

>"...sure...?"

>bueno.jpg

>You lean in conspiratorially

"Partially dislocated jaw."

>Brass blanches

"You wanna know why only partially?"

>He clearly doesn't

>You tell him anyway because you're a massive dick about stuff like this

"It didn't come all the way out. Only one side was dislocated."

>Brass bolts, a hoof over his mouth

>...

>Seriously?

>That wasn't even gory

>Aw well

>You could save your other rugby stories for later

>Or for the princesses

>Get rehab cuddles for your /terrible/ injuries

>Fuck yeah, that's an awesome plan

>You know what you're showing Luna tonight

>Rugby marathon

>Your scheming is interrupted by a voice

>"Hello Anon!"

>Oh!

>It's Warden!

"Hey, Warden! What's up?"

>She beams back

>"Just checking on our newest inmate! I hope you were comfortable during your first night in!"

"Definitely. What's the bed made out of, by the way? It's really nice!"

>She looks at you, slightly confused

>"Why, clouds Anon! What else?"

>Holy shit

>Is this nigga for real?

"How do you even make something like that?"

>"Pegasi, silly! They have the ability to touch and control clouds!"

>You'd have to meet one of these pegasi

>That sounds like it'd be cool to watch

"Neat! So, what's the plan for today?"

>"Brass Badge will show you the various clubs around the prison, and you'll pick one! Or more than one! Your choice!"

 

>She looks around

>"Where is Brass, anyway? He should be with you."

"He had to use the restroom."

>It wasn't a lie

>"Oh! Well, I'll wait with you then. Are you two getting along?"

"You bet. Brass is really cool, thanks for having him look out for me."

>You know that's not the only reason Brass is watching over you, but Warden was still a part of it

>She smiles

>"No trouble at all, Anon! I'm glad you two get along. Now, which club do you think you'll join? If you have any hobbies, then I'm sure there's a club for it!"

>She says that, but you doubt there's a club for vidya

>Probably isn't one for rugby either, the way these ponies are shaping up

>Maybe weights?

"Do you have a weightlifting club?"

>"I believe so, yes! A lot of inmates like to work out!"

>Oh ho

>Sweet

>College had royally fucked with your exercise routine, so this would be a nice chance to get some work in

"I'll check that one out, then."

>"Be sure to look at all the rest, too! Don't limit yourself!"

>She reminds you of your mom

"I got it, I got it. I'll give them all a look."

>"Great!"

>Brass comes back right then

>"Urgh... Good morning, Miss Sharp."

>"Good morning, Brass! Well, I'll let you two get to it!"

>Warden skips off

>You shoot a semi-apologetic smile at Brass

"Sorry about that pal. I thought you could handle it!"

>He gives you a look

>"Yeah, well, from now on, no more horror stories. I don't have any breakfast left in my gut to run on now, and my appetite's totally gone."

>You feel the tiniest sliver of remorse

>Just a little one

"Alright, so Warden tells me there's an exercise club. I was thinking I'd join that."

>"Sounds good. They hang out, naturally enough, in the weight room. I'll take you there."

>You both leave the cafeteria and head on your way

>A few winding turns through the prison, and you reach your destination

>A metal door, leading into a room that smells of chalk and iron

>There's a bunch of ponies in here, a couple minotaurs, and and some griffons

 

>All activity ceases as you and Brass enter

>One of the minotaurs calls out

>"Guard Captain. Who's the red?"

>Brass nods in his direction

>"Steel Eye. This is Anonymous. He wants to join."

>Wait

>Brass is the captain of the guards?

>He keeps talking

>"I've been assigned as his chaperone, so I'll be here observing while you guys get him squared away. No funny business."

>The minotaur nods, but someone else speaks

>"Hold up, copper!"

>It's a female pony

>A normal one, no wings or horns

>...she's pretty big

>Smaller than Luna, but bigger than Brass

>"Why do we gotta let a weirdo like him in? I bet he's weak anyway!"

>Oh

>/Do/ you now?

>Before you can express your snark, Brass replies

>"Sand Stone. I can personally guarantee you that Anon leaves nothing to be desired in strength. Now you let him in. Or no pudding."

>...

>Was that a threat, or...?

>Sand Stone backs down a bit

>"H-hold on! I'm just saying we should test him first. We're the strongest ones in the prison, we don't wanna have to spend time with a weakling!"

>There's a general murmur of assent

>Even from the minotaur from earlier

>Brass is getting frustrated

>"Now you listen here-!"

"Brass."

>He looks up at you

>"What?"

"I got this."

>He just looks you for a moment, then steps aside

>You step forward

>They all eye you up and down

>Sand Stone especially

"Look. You and I know talk is cheap. So just let me do a lift at my personal best weight, and then you can judge. Fair?"

>Sand Stone, after a moment more of staring at you, nods

>"Fair!"

>You walk further into the room, examining the equipment

>Most of it's for quadrupeds

>You wouldn't fit

>There's a bench rack that the minotaurs were using

>Alright, let's do that

"I'll do bench."

>Steel Eye nods approvingly

>"We'll get it wiped down for you. How much weight?"

>You think for a moment

>It's actually been a while since you tested your max on bench...

>Last you recall, you could just barely swing two plate for one

>Two plate is 225 lbs., so...

 

"Load 210 pounds."

>Better safe than sorry

>There's a moment of silence

>They explode into laughter

>Fuck!

>Are they really that strong?!

>You thought you had super strength by pony standards!

>What gives?!

>Sand Stone gets a hold of herself just long enough to speak

>"T-two hundred and ten?! Get this hot head outta here!"

>A griffon chimes in

>"You seriously think you can do that?! Look, kid, I get you want to impress us but that's just stupid!"

>Steel Eye rounds it all out

>"T-truly, youngun', you should consider your safety more. No mortal can bench 210."

>...

>...

>...

>Is this real life?

>2-fucking-10 is considered impossible weight here?

>Oh lord

>They better not let you anywhere near the squat rack

>Or let you deadlift for that matter

"Load the weight. I'll /make/ you believe."

>The laughter dies

>They're staring now

>Steel Eye speaks

>"...you're serious?"

"You gonna load the weight or not? I'm gonna blow your tiny little minds into orbit, dude. You'll need Luna's help to find your brain when I'm done."

>"Look, young one, even if we /had/ that much weight-"

>THEY DON'T HAVE 210 LBS IN THE ENTIRE FUCKING GYM?!

>"-we could not in good conscience allow you to make such an attempt. Just try some machines and-"

>Oh

>Fucking

>No

>You did not just fucking get relegated to machines like some New Year's resolutioner

>Your temper's starting to flare

>Brass can see it

>He's making eye contact with you, shaking his head frantically

>You take some deep breaths

>...

>Okay

>If they won't let you prove your strength

>You'll just have to shatter their confidence in theirs

"Fine. /You/ do some bench. Whatever weight you want. In fact, anybody is welcome to challenge me at anything. I'll match it or leave."

>Wide eyes all around

>Sand Stone speaks up

>"C-c'mon, Steel! Show him how it's done!"

>The minotaur slowly nods, still staring at you

>"Y-yeah. Steel Trap, load up."

>He and the other minotaur start loading weight onto the bar

 

>When they're done, Steel Eye climbs under

>Those plates look like toys, now that you look closely

>He unracks, and begins

>Steel Trap is spotting

>Are they brothers or what?

>Whatever

>First rep

>Second rep

>Third rep

>He's done

>Sweating like a mofo

>"There! 115, for 3!"

>The rest let out a cheer

>You, on the other hand, are really going to have fun destroying this dude's self esteem

>They wipe down the bench

>Steel Trap makes a mockingly polite gesture towards it

>"Alright, fresh face. Show us what you've got."

>You hear snickers

>That will soon be silenced

>You sit down on the bench and lay back

>Before Steel Trap's even in spotting position, you unrack

>Time to show them the power of the glorious human master race

>One rep

>Two rep

>Three rep

>Rack

>Didn't even slow down

>You sit up, not even sweating

>Jaws on the floor everywhere you look

>"Y-you...how...?"

>You snort

"Gains, that's how."

>You partially strip out of your uniform, showing off your upper body

>The ladies are impressed

>Sand Stone, the mouthy lady griffon from earlier, and a few other female ponies all have red on their faces

>The dudes aside from Steel Eye are fuming

>They know they're getting shown up

>Steel Eye's just got a thousand-yard stare going on

>One broken

>How many more?

"Who else?"

>"Me!"

>A male horse - stallion? yeah, that's the word - steps forth

>"I challenge you to leg press!"

>Little dude's digging his own grave

>You're hella strong with leg work

>And leg press is for bitches anyway

>Though since ponies can't really squat, you guess it's okay

>He loads weight onto the machine, then climbs in

>Interesting

>He's only using his back legs

>He disengages the safety catches, then starts

>One

>Two

>Three

>Four

>Five

>He's struggling

>A couple others step forth to spot

>He pulls out the sixth

>He gets out, obviously bushed

>"H-ha! Lemme see you match /that/!"

>Ask and you shall receive, little beta male

>You climb in the machine

 

>It's a bit of an awkward fit

>You have to get out and adjust the machine

>There, slightly less awkward fit

>You disengage safeties and begin

>You drive out for the first rep...

>Only to slam the machine against itself

>Holy shit

>What is this, 150?

>Fucking pleb

>You'll break him, right here right now

>You go double or nothing

>12

>Cranking them out with no drop in speed

>You get out of the machine and shoot the little nignog your best intimidating stare

"Doubled."

>He can't even speak

>Steel Trap's recovered somewhat

>"Alright, enough! I challenge you to deadlifts! 185!"

>They start freaking out

>"Trap, no!"

>"Too high, bro!"

>"Just let him join!"

>Trap's too fired up to back down

>"NO! I'll avenge my brother's honor right now!"

>He grabs a mat out of a closet, throws it on the floor, and grabs a barbell

>The other griffon, a male, starts helping him slide weights onto it

>It's ready

>But you can see he's nervous

>He's either never attempted this or attempted it before and hurt himself

>Doesn't matter

>It'll just make it more traumatic when you crank that shit out for 10

>He chalks up his hands and takes up position

>Everyone else is tensed up

>He bends down and grabs the bar

>Here we go

>He begins the drive

>Nothing happens at first...

>But the bar leaves the ground

>He's got it up to his knees

>...Cows have knees, right?

>Unimportant

>He's still pulling, but it's slowed to a crawl

>It doesn't look like he'll be able to lock out

>He keeps straining

>But gives out after a few more seconds of effort

>"Aw!"

>"You nearly had it, Trap! Good try!"

>"No worries, Trap. We'll get him with something else!"

>Like hell you will

>You're going to drive a stake through the heart of this bullshit

>As Trap steps away from the bar, you step up to it on the other side

>Facing all of them

>"Wh-?"

>"Wait! What are you doing?!"

>"Is he...?"

>Yup

>You said you'd blow their minds

>Here it comes

>You seize the bar and get in your stance

>Deep inhale

>Explode upwards

 

>You hit the apex and lock out

>First rep

>You stare them in the eye

>They're all dumbfounded

>You're not done

>You bring the bar back to ground

>2!

>3!

>4!

>5!

>6!

>7!

>8!

>9!

>10!!

>You set the bar down for the last time

>Two ponies have fainted

>Sand Stone can't bring herself to make eye contact with you

>The Steel brothers look like they're about to cry

>The griffons are just staring, beaks slightly open

>You can't help but grin

"Where's all that smack talk at /now/, huh?!"

>The door suddenly opens

>"Hey guys, sorry I'm late-"

>Somebody walks in

>You turn to see-

>...

>Oh

>So /that's/ what lady minotaurs look like

>Neat

>She's got really nice...

>Eyes

>Shit, she caught you staring

>You quickly sit and look down at the mat, "catching your breath"

>You're really just praying she doesn't realize you were sperging out over her

>"What's going on in here? What happened?!"

>She's caught sight of the passed out equines

>"Magnolia!"

>Trap and Eye fling themselves at her, cowering behind her

>It'd be funny if it wasn't so sad

>"This guy-! This guy just-!"

>"He just deadlifted 185! For /ten/!"

>She slowly turns to face you

>"...you can't be serious. For ten?"

>You're starting to come down from your mixed high of testosterone and indignation

>...and realizing that you just acted like the /exact/ kind of douchebag you fucking hate to see at the gym

>Fuck...

>Damage control time

>You make to get up, only to find Magnolia leaning down right in front of you

>Sweet Jesus

>"Did you really do it?"

"Y-yeah."

>Real smooth

>You weren't kidding about her eyes earlier

>Obviously she's got a fucking dynamite rack too

>Her shirt barely contains it

>But her eyes are a nice dark green

>You try to collect your spilt spaghetti

"They weren't gonna let me join unless I proved I was strong. And they didn't believe me when I told them how much I could lift, so I kinda got a little worked up. Sorry."

>"Sorry?! Don't be sorry! That's incredible! /I'm/ sorry about how they treated you!"

 

>She turns and glowers at what you're now presuming to be her siblings

>"What have I told you guys about hazing folks who want to join?"

>They shake their heads

>"It was Sand's idea!"

>Sand Stone waves her hooves wildly

>"Hey, don't throw me under the carriage! I was just saying what we were all thinking!"

>Magnolia stomps

>"Regardless of whose idea it was, it has to stop! It's why nobody else joins!"

>She turns back to you

>"Sorry again. I'm Steel Magnolia! What's your name?"

>She extends a hand

>You do the same

"I'm Anonymous."

>"It's nice to meet you Anonymous! And after a performance like /that/, you are most definitely welcome in the weights club!"

>Sweet

>The remaining hour in club time goes by quickly after that

>The other members apologize for what they said

>You apologize for being a massive faggot

>Balance is restored

>Everybody's pretty nice

>If more than a little in awe of you

>You repeated your set of 10 for Magnolia when she said she wanted to see it

>You have another fan now

>"Bye Anon! See you tomorrow!"

>She waves goodbye as she leaves with her brothers

>You and Brass leave shortly after

>You wonder why minotauresses look so... human

>Like, her face wasn't anywhere near as cowish as her siblings'

>Combine that with her huge tracts o' land, and it explains why she had such an effect on you

>"You did good back there."

>Brass interrupts your thoughts

>Probably for the best

"You think?"

>"Yeah. Admittedly, you went kind of crazy, but you handled it without violence and no feelings were hurt. I'm proud of you, Anon."

>You smile

"Thanks, Brass. Where to now?"

>"Well, we can keep checking out clubs if you feel like. They're scattered throughout the day so inmates can attend more than one if they so choose. Or, you can just relax in your cell. It's gonna be a while yet before lunch."

>Hm...

>You're hungry more than anything.

>You don't really feel like doing anything else either.

>I think I'll chill in my room. Can I get a book somewhere?"

 

>"Sure. You remember seeing the library when Warden gave you the tour?"

>Oh yeah

>You were still reeling from how not-serious all this was, so you didn't really pay attention

>But you do recall seeing a library

"Yeah. Let's go."

>You begin the journey

"How much paperwork do you have to do, Brass?"

>"Nothing crazy. There's a bunch of research groups that want access to you, but the Princesses have restricted them to photos and written reports. I gotta write one up, and then we need to take some pictures later so we can get them off my back."

"Alright. We can do that now, if you want."

>"Nah. Lemme figure out how I'm gonna structure it. I'm not sure what's okay to tell them, so I have to drop Princess Celestia a letter first. Since I'm priority mail now that I'm your observer, I'll probably get a reply before dinner, and then we take photos, and then I finish the report."

"Sounds like a plan."

>Arrive at the library

>Librarian looks concerned that there's a red-suit in here

>"C-can I help you?"

"Yeah. I was hoping to find some history books. Like, history of the world? When and how it was formed?"

>Librarian brightens up

>"Certainly! I have a copy of the Encyclopedia of Equestria! I'll go grab it for you!"

>She scampers off

>...

>Equestria?

>Really?

>That's like naming Earth Anthropomorphland or some shit

>Whatever

>It's the sisters' country, they can do whatever they want with it

>The librarian returns

>"Here you are!"

"Thanks. When does it need to be back by?"

>She looks confused

>You're confused

>"I'm not sure what you mean. You just keep it until you're done with it!"

>...you won't make this anymore complicated than it needs to be

"Gotcha. I'll do that then."

>She waves as you leave, and you return the courtesy

>Brass questions you as you walk out

>"What do you want an encyclopedia for? They're terrible reading. And what was that about when the book needed to be back by?"

"I need to learn more about Faust and who she was, and Equestria in general."

 

"As for the due date thing, I just kind of assumed that libraries here would be the same as libraries back home."

>"Huh. That's not really a thing for us. I mean, I hear Celestia's pupil has a weird system where she expects books to be returned after a week, but why not just let ponies hold on to them until they're done?"

>Strange

>At least Celestia's pupil, whoever she is, seems to get it

>What the fuck kind of library can't guarantee when it'll have its books back? What if someone else wants to read it?

>Aw well

>You reach your cell

"Alright. Unless you want to sit around and watch me read, I'll see you at lunch time."

>"Sounds good. I'll see you then."

>Brass heads off as you enter your cell

>Sit down at your little table and get reading

>At least the stuff you want is right at the beginning

>Faust

>It says in the book that she was an alicorn

>What's that? Is that what Celestia and Luna are?

>That'd be weird though

>Why would Celetia call you "Kin of Faust" if Faust wasn't even your species?

>She's supposed to check in at some point with a report on how the investigation into your arrival is going

>You'll ask her then

>But you can't do it in a way that hints at you not understanding who Faust is...

>Hm...

>You'll cross that bridge when you're there

>You keep reading

>The encyclopedia's honestly not much help with the subject

>It seems that the only testimony they have is the sisters'

>And they say Faust /drew/ the world into being

>With what? A magical pen?

>This is making no sense

>Are they expecting you to have a power like that too?

>You're garbage at drawing

>Shit

>You won't be able to keep your facade up if they ask you to show them your power

>Better hope Celestia finds that way home soon

>You feel terrible for Luna, but...

>You can't turn your back on the people you left on Earth, regardless of how nice it is here

>You read on, leaving "The Age of Myth" behind and getting into Equestrian pre-history

>Shit's gay

 

>There's literally no armed conflict

>Well, none as you know it

>There's pie fights

>And other stuff involving non-lethal ammunition and/or name-calling

>And this is /before/ civilization?

>What do they do in conflict now? Rock-paper-scissors?

>Fucking ponyland

>Ah, this looks interesting

>Nightmare Moon, huh...

>...

>Oh

>Luna...

>Jesus, /a thousand years/? And she only came back within the last decade?

>Poor girl...

>And over something so silly!

>That's kind of what happens with a failed coup though

>The leader always gets the severest punishment

>And it probably hurt Celestia to do that

>You're going to snuggle the fuck out of Luna while you're in dreamland

>1000 years alone...

>Ugh

>Moving on

>You stop reading a little while later

>There wasn't much else you needed to know

>Though this "Discord" guy sounded interesting

>He was first mentioned in the prehistory period

>So, did Faust not create him? If so, what did?

>Reading that book just gave you more questions

>And you're still really hungry

>...

>Maybe there's a cooking club around here?

>Gotta be

>Maybe they'll give you free food if you join

>You could at least fix yourself something to eat if they let you in

>You'd just have to be back before Brass came to get you

>It's not like you explicitly said you'd stay here the whole time

>Besides, what could go wrong?

>You get jumped by a bunch of pillow-wielding ponies who regard bruises as serious injuries?

>Chuckling at the thought, you head off into the prison in search of free food

 

>You are now Brass Badge

>Anon successfully joined the weight club after some initial difficulties

>Warden will be pleased to hear he's integrating

>For now, you have to write that letter to the princess concerning her opinion on what information about Anon should be released

>And then it's all easy paperwork until you get your response, and then you can begin work on Anon's "file" for the eggheads

>Today's going so well, and it's not even lunch yet!

 

>You head into your office and get down to business

>Letter to the Princess first

>Then processing guard reports

>Then weekly report to Warden

>Hopefully be done by lunch

>Let's do this

>You get out your pen and a short length of scroll, and write out:

>Attn: HRH Celestia

>Priority sender: Brass Badge

>Your Majesty,

>I've received a number of requests from various scientists privy to Anonymous' arrival in Equestria seeking access to him for study purposes. Knowing the import his identity holds, I thought it best to defer to you on the matter. Please advise.

>There!

>Short and to the point, like all official documents should be

>Screw those noble dinguses and their pompous ways

>Just another small reason why you're kinda glad you aren't a guard anymore

>Now, just dip it in the dragon fire candle, and...

>Sent!

>Now, let's hammer out the rest of this!

>You're midway through the guard reports when a scroll appears in a burst of flame over your desk

>Already?!

>Wow

>You knew the princess considered Anon high priority, but still

>That's crazy fast

>Well, let's take a look...

>...

>Huh

>Alright

>Better go give Anon some heads up

>Her highness wants to conduct the interviews herself, and she's coming sometime today!

 

>You're tall, dark, and hungry, so you're probably Anon

>You have stumbled upon the cooking club

>They were a little unnerved

>You have a bad rap

>But after some calm conversation, you are now formally inducted into their ranks

>You weren't sure about the logic of a cooking club held before lunch, but they're really more of a baking club

>They make desserts that you're /supposed/ to save for after lunch

>lolnope

>Too hungry for that shit

>They're making chocolate layer cake today

>You help out

>You're willing to accept the compromise of no food now in exchange for more food later

>You're automatically guaranteed a slice just for helping!

>Nice

>It's nearly done

>This thing's gonna be delicious

 

>Back to being the brassiest Badge you ever saw

>Headed back towards Anon's room

>You hope that encyclopedia helped him out

>He's probably still reading it

>Those things were thick

>Equestria had a long and not always harmonious history

>But from what you've seen of Anon, you doubt it'll even phase him

>Partially dislocated jaw...

>You shudder

>Nothing should have to go through that

>You arrive outside Anon's door, and give it a knock

"Anon? It's me."

>...

>Huh

>No response

>Did he fall asleep from reading the encyclopedia?

>You chuckle

>Even elder gods can get bored, it seems!

"I'm coming in!"

>You open the door

>No response

>No Anon

>The encyclopedia's on the table

>No bathroom light on

>No nothing

>...

>Okay

>Remain calm

>Yes, there is presently an ancient being of immense power on the loose

>But he's a /nice/ ancient being

>Except when he gets mad

>Then he's a wrathful eldritch horror with the strength of ten draft ponies, incomprehensible resistance to magic, and by reports, the foulest mouth ever heard

>Nevermind

>Time to panic

>You need to find him NOW

>To the PA system!

 

>Back to being nameless

>Er, Anonymous

>Cake's done

>Apparently it was a member of the cooking club's birthday today!

>You stuck around for a bit of festivities

>And more free food on top of the party games

>It was a good time

>Not really your kind of party though

>But anyways, you are now on your way back to your cell with a hugeass slice of chocolate layer cake

>Aw yiss

>You will enjoy this

>Just as you arrive, though, you notice two things

>Your door is open for some reason

>And Celestia is peering in

>Did she come to visit you?

>Alright

>Code input: tgm

"Greetings, Celestia. What brings you to me?"

>She jumps a little

>"Anonymous! I cry your forgiveness, I saw your door was open and merely thought-"

"Be at ease, Celestia. You've committed no offense. Come inside, and converse."

>You usher her in

>...did she style her hair? Er, mane?

>Same difference

>And it looks nice

 

>You close the door behind you, and turn to face Celestia

"If I may, you look very beautiful with your mane like that."

>She reddens

>Fuck yeah, brownie points get

>"It pleases me that you think so, Anonymous. I come today to-"

>She cuts off

>You're not sure why at first

>Then you follow her eyes

>...

>She's staring at your slice of cake

"Celestia?"

>"O-Oh! I, er, I'm sorry, it's just... That... Looks excellent..."

"Would you like some?"

>Her face lights up

>"I certainly would! Thank you!"

"I'll split it with you, then."

>You sit down at your table, and pull out another chair for her next to you

>She sits, and notices the encyclopedia

>"You've been studying?"

"I have, yes. I wished to learn more about your history, and your written language is the same as ours."

>Alright

>This next bit's fucking crucial

>She /will/ ask if you know Faust at some point

>There's no way she could expect there to be seven billion of what she considers to be elder gods running around on Earth, so she'll likely assume that it's either just you and Faust or a small pantheon of humans

>You also have to match your story about Earth and humans to what you've already told Luna

>Time to put that silver tongue to work, Anon

>"Wonderful! And yes, Faust gave us that script. It's lovely to know that she blessed us with the same text you and your kin use."

>You just nod, and reach for the plate of cake, only to realize you only had one fork

"Ah. Pardon me, Celestia, it seems I only have one fork. I'll go get another."

>You move to rise, but Celestia rests a hoof on your hand

>"I don't mind sharing. Unless swapping a little spit with a lowly pony offends you...?"

>Oh

>Wow

>Seems like both sisters are pretty forward

>And this one's a bit of a tease, if that coy smile is any indicator

>You can't help but smile back

"I do not mind at all."

>You offer her the fork

>A golden aura forms around it, and it floats out of your hand

>You can't get over how fascinating that is to watch

 

>Celestia cuts off a bit of cake, daintily eating it and passing you the fork

>She speaks as you cut in

>"May I ask you something?"

"Certainly."

>"What is Earth like?"

>So she's curious too

>Nice

>If you can keep this about Earth, maybe she won't ask you about your powers

>And subsequently discover your lack thereof

"It is quite different from your kingdom. But not necessarily in a negative way."

>She tilts her head slightly, mane falling over one eye

>fuckthat'scute.jpg

>"Oh? Please elaborate."

"Our world is covered in human works, in our structures and creations. Nothing can oppose us on Earth, and compared to times long gone, there is very little we do not know of it. Here, in your kingdom, there is still wild, still mystery, still... Adventure. It is rather beautiful."

>The encyclopedia told you about the Everfree Forest and other places like it

>You eat your bit of cake, and offer her the fork back

>She asks another question as she cuts off her next piece

>"Tell me of your works. I would hear what wonders you have wrought."

>Fuck yeah

>You're a science major who loves his field

>Time to blow this princess' mind

>After some light teasing

"Oh? Do you believe your mind ready for the knowledge, Celestia?"

>You allow a small smile onto your fave to let her know you're just poking fun

>She smiles back, as she lifts up her piece of cake

>"My mind is open, and ready. Bless this lowly creation of humans with knowledge of what others you have created."

>Ah, that's right

>She's technically a human achievement

"Great constructs, of steel and glass and stone, reaching unto the sky itself. We have tamed lightning, and use it to power many of our more base creations, the great machines. We bend light, put measuring stick to the flow of time, and outrun sound."

>She sure as hell wasn't expecting that

>Her eyes are wide as she eats her bite of cake

>Her mouth seems to linger on the fork, as if sucking all the frosting off

 

>You continue

"You and your ponies are special, however. I'd never seen anything like you before I came here."

>She pulls the for from her mouth and passes it to you

>"It rather pleases me that we are unique among the works of your mighty race. And tell me Anonymous, what do you create?"

>Here it is

>You think you can pull this off

"I-"

>You're suddenly interrupted by a crackling over what must be the prison PA system

>"HRGHGLINMRTANRNYMURSISTRRRTRNTRHRSCERLLERTWURNCE! *click*"

>...

>Fuck was that?

>Celestia's weirded out too, but shrugs it off

>"I'm sure it was nothing concerning us. Please continue."

>She's scooting her chair a little closer to yours

"As I was saying, creation is not my purview."

>She's confused at this

>"What?"

>Some humans, such as Faust, create. They spend their time creating things like your world. Others study what already exists, and how to manipulate it. I am one of these latter."

>It was kind of true

>Faust sounded like an artist of some sort

>And you were a scientist

>A third-year undergrad with not a published page to his name, but still a scientist

>Celestia's leaning against you now

>"/Most/ interesting... And that would be how you brought about those great feats you spoke of earlier?"

"Indeed. Your sister visits me in my dreams. If you desire proof, I shall simply show her."

>"Oh, I could never be so insolent as to doubt your word. And I am well aware of my sister's... /advances/ on you. She speaks often of it."

>...unsure of how to feel about that

>Celestia leans further into you, her voice down to a breathy whisper

>"So scandalous... Rubbing her belly, besting her in battle in her own territory with your mighty weapons, and then comforting her with sights of your world and a /kiss on the forehead/..."

>...Is this how Uncle Incognito sees horses?

>Because

>You mean

>Damn

>Luna was master of cute and the lip bite

>But her sister...

>That fucking smoldering stare is reducing you to jelly

 

>"It makes me happy that you would show such kindness to my overeager sister even after she pestered you so much. At one point, I was truly afraid that we could possibly anger you. But now... All I wish to know... Is what I have to do to be graced with your affections...?"

>Holy shit, this is fucking hot

>You've never had a girl come on this strong to you before

>But wait

>You're kind of already romancing her sister

>Is this okay?

>You're not exactly a paragon of virtue

>But you like to think you're a man of decent morals

>And this feels wrong

>You attempt to pull away from Celestia

>Keyword: attempt

>She simply leans all the more, maintaining bodily contact with you

"Celestia. If you already know that I care for Luna, then why do you still come courting?"

>She softly laughs

>"Because I do not think an existence such as yourself should be limited to a single outlet for his love."

>...

>Boner

>This is a terrible fucking time for you to show up

"A-And Luna agrees with that?"

>Shit

>Couldn't keep the stutter out of your voice

>A smug smile works its way onto her face

>She's making a /really/ convincing case

>You slowly get out of your seat and back up, finally breaking contact, except she's following you

>"Yes. At least, she will."

"You've not asked, then."

>"It simply slipped my mind. When she told me of all the things you did for her, I could contain myself no longer. I came here to do this. Obviously, learning more about you was a treat, but..."

>You've backed up against the edge of your bed, stumbling

>Before you can right yourself, she gives you a light push

>You fall onto it

>"...Not quite the treat I was looking for."

>She crawls onto your chest

>Fixing you with those eyes the whole time

>Your dong is at maximum expansion

>This is happening

>You're about to sink to the same depraved depths as your good old uncle

>So why are you looking forward to it so much?

>She's leaning in

>You can't help but start to lean up to meet her

 

>Your faces are inches apart-

>"Anon, you better be in here!"

>OHFUCKWHAT

>Both you and Celestia are startled by the sudden shouting

>Your door bursts open

>In barges an angry Brass Badge

>"Look, I know you can control yourself, but you can't just-"

>He sees you and your "guest"

>Dead silence

>"...Ah. Well. I see the princess found you. I'll, uh... I'll go now."

>He backs out of the room, closing the door behind him

>Goddammit Brass

>You took the mood and dropped a fucking nuke on it

>Celestia's beet red

>She must not have been expecting any interruptions

>Or she's just not into being public with her affections

>Either way, you're not letting this opportunity pass

>"W-Well... Shall we-eep!?"

>You flip the positions, pinning the horny pony princess under you as you straddle her belly

"I'll admit, you nearly had me there, Celestia. You and your sister's charms are quite effective on me."

>You lean in, getting a good look at her light-purple eyes

"However..."

>You run a hand up her belly

>The gasp that comes out of her mouth transforms your dick into a diamond rod

>You used to love making your ex-girlfriend make those same gasps

"I like to be on top."

>You keep rubbing, nothing like the brief tickling you gave Luna

>Celestia's head lays back, tongue lolling out of her mouth

"Now... Were you a good girl? Did you look into what brought me here?"

>"I... I-ah!-am personally leading... The investigation-mm!-High One... But..."

>She's gonna give you an ego trip if she keeps calling you stuff like that

>Doesn't mean you don't like it though

>She looks meekly up at you, equal parts lust and hurt in her eyes

>"Do you truly wish to leave us...?"

>You rub into her belly even harder

>She moans, throwing her head back again

"I must. If Luna related our conversation to you, you would understand my reasons."

>"B-But-! Ahh~!"

>You don't let her finish

>You're having a hard time convincing yourself you have to go home as it is

>Two princesses lusting after you plus godhood?

 

>Still, you couldn't keep this shit up forever

>They're bound to find out you're not actually a god sometime

>And then you'll be fucked

>Not in the sexy way, either

>You had to go home, back where you belong

>And hopefully graduate college despite the derailment this whole incident caused

>As sad as these two princesses would be...

>It had to be done

>Celestia musters up the willpower and effort to look at you again

>"I beg you to-unh!-reconsider! Stay with us! Luna and I-"

"Are lovely. The both of you. But I will not be shaken on this."

>Accept it

>Accept it

>For fuck's sake, just give up, Celestia

>You can't handle any more temptation

>Celestia leans back, sadness apparent on her face

>Success

>But at great cost to your conscience

>You lean in close

"Do not despair. For whatever short time I am here, I will give you all the affection you desire."

>Her eyes light up

>"T-Then... A kiss..."

>You can't help but smile

>Such an innocent thing to ask for

"Of course."

>You lean in, and gently meet her waiting lips

>She doesn't seem to initiate any tongue, so you don't either

>Maybe she's not into that

>Regardless, the kiss lasts until she finally breaks it, gasping from your continued assault

>"I... I can't... I'm going to..."

>Alright

>Think Anon

>What'd Brass say about where you shouldn't be touching ponies?

>...

>The nose was one

>Is it erogenous?

>Time to find out

"Do it. Succumb to the pleasure, Princess of the Sun."

>You bring one hand up

>And press it into her nose

>Her eyes roll into the back of her head as she squeals

>Round one is your victory

>She lies collapsed on your bed, panting

>You move over her and take her head into your lap, stroking her mane

>She coos at the extra attention, rubbing her cheek into your leg

>"T-Truly... I was unprepared... Such pleasure..."

>Heheheh

>She ain't seen nothing yet

>The sex hasn't even happened

>And it's gonna happen

>You're too turned on for it to not

"It's not over, Celestia. A moment's rest, then we continue."

 

>Celestia looks up at you, slightly confused

>"It's not...?"

>...

>Does she have no stamina? A one-n-done? All you did was foreplay at best

>Wait

>What if-?

"Celestia, how do ponies reproduce?"

>She turns beet red

>"H-How indeed... Well... Copulation...?"

>Alright

>So she knows what it is

>That's a start

"And you know how to perform it?"

>She averts her eyes, answering in a tiny voice

>"...belly rubs...?"

>...

>Faust

>Wherever you are

>This shit is ridiculous

>You can't just create an entire fucking world

>And have the populace reproduce through belly rubs

>Like

>How does that even-

"And that produces offspring...?"

>Her face is so hot she might light your pants on fire

>"Y-yes..."

>Alright, you've badgered her enough

"You rub her face comfortingly

"Forgive me. It is simply... Different from human ways."

>She shrinks a little

>"Did I displease you...?"

>Aw fuck

>Reel it in

"No, no. I was simply confused for a moment."

>"How do the humans do it? Do you-?"

"I'm familiar with it. I am more than happy to teach you, if you think you are ready."

>You're still horny as a high school freshman, but...

>You're no Bill Cosby, and you refuse to leave this world a criminal

>...well, you refuse to leave as a sex offender at any rate

>...Is public indecency a sex crime...?

>Whatever

>She has to be okay with it

>You look down at her, awaiting her response

>She's pretty clearly torn

>On one hand, she wants to find out what it's like

>On the other, she's worn out from the rubbing you gave her earlier

>Maybe the noseboop had something to do with it too

>Plus, from her point of view, you're essentially going to be enacting some freaky elder god rite of offering her body to you

>You'd be freaked out too

>Let's decide for her

"Never mind, Celestia. I can see that you are not ready."

>"What?! No, I can! I wish to-!"

>You place a finger over her lips

"We shall try another day. For now, rest."

>She relents, resting her head in your lap again

>"Can we at least cuddle?"

 

>Cuddle a giant, strangely attractive horse whose fur feels like sun-warmed velvet?

>Hell yeah

"Certainly!"

>You readjust yourself until your head is right next to hers, and pull her in tight

>She wraps her hooves around your chest and extends a wing over you both

>This

>This is great

>Time passes

>You're not sure how long

>Both of you were too content to care

>But she eventually makes a little sigh

>"I've been away too long. I should return to the castle."

"You sure?"

>She laughs lightly

>"I'm just as comfortable as you are, but yes, I must. This was lovely, Anonymous. Thank you."

"Call me Anon."

>Her cheeks turn a little red

>"Such an honor..."

"It's hardly an honor, Celestia. All those that I respect or care for may call me such."

>"T-Then... I shall visit you again soon, Anon."

>You both get up, and you open the door for her to leave the cell

>She turns to you

>"And when I do..."

>She leans in

>"/Teach/ me."

>She vanishes in another bright flash

>You're kind of ready for it this time

>After rubbing your eyes a bit, you try and figure out what to do next

>...

>Brass

>He walked in on you

>He's pretty bro-tier, but you can never be too sure

>Better go make certain he didn't tell anyone

>You head off down the hall towards his office

>You knock on the door upon arrival

>"Come in!"

>Open the door

>Brass makes eye contact with you and freezes

>"Anon! Uh... Er..."

"It's fine, Brass. Just don't tell anyone, yeah?"

>He shakes his head

>"Nobody'd believe me if I did anyway."

"Cool. So when's lunch?"

>He looks at you for a moment, then snickers

>"Anon, lunch ended half an hour ago!"

>You were cuddling Celestia that long?

"When's dinner?"

>"In five hours. You've got a long wait ahead of you, pal."

>Fuuuuuuuuuuuck

>At least you still had some leftover cake from your trip to the cooking club

"Alright... When you're done with whatever it is you're doing, can we go check out more clubs or something?"

 

>"Nope. No afternoon clubs. You've got about an hour and a half of post-lunch nap left, then all inmates to the courtyard for socialization and recess."

>...

>bruh.avi

>Recess?

>Fucking horseland

>If human prisons were like this maybe people would actually come out reformed

>...nah

>They'd just kill each other so they'd never have to leave

"Alright. I'll just hang around in my room 'til then."

>Brass gives you a look

>"Don't wander off this time."

"Aw, c'mon! Nothing even happened! I've been behaving!"

>Brass waggles his eyebrows

>"Yeah? You /behave/ well for the princess, too? She looked pretty in-control back there!"

>Whoa-ho

>This horse got a mouth on him

"I dunno about that. She was moaning pretty loud when I /booped her nose/."

>Brass turns a dark crimson

>"You- Wha- Anon! You can't seriously mean you did that to-"

"What's the matter Brass, never booped a mare's nose before? I guess it'd be hard to get it just right with those hooves. Me, on the other hand..."

>You waggle your fingers

>Brass just harrumphs through his embarrassment

>"G-Get outta here! Go back to your room!"

>Laughing, you take your leave

>Brass is alright

>He's a bit of a prude, but still cool

>And a veteran, if you understood his story correctly

>Raiding a "changeling hive" sounded like some army-type shit

>What are changelings, anyways?

>Put it in the stack of questions to ask Luna tonight

>You get back to your room and get out your phone out of habit, but stop

>You're only at 40%...

>Should you really use it?

>...no

>Save it

>Show it to Celestia next time she comes by, to prove your claims about human accomplishment

>She said she believed you without proof, but if you're gonna be a god, you're gonna be the kind that has cool relics

>Like a Daedric Prince

>Fuck, you miss games

>You decide to pick up the encyclopedia and read some more, just to kill time

>There wasn't much else of interest until you worked your way up to "Modern Era"

 

>"Elements of Harmony"

>Six ponies, who have supposedly put down a whole lot of bad guys

>Even Luna's crazy form and that chaos god you read about earlier

>Twice, in his case. The book also claims he's reformed now

>Why would he have to reform, though? The book makes him out to be nearly unstoppable

>Except for these six little ponies, apparently

>What do the Elements actually do?

>You continue musing as you start to look around for that slice of cake you had

>...strange, it should have been...

>It should have been right here, on your table!

>What happened!?

>You didn't take it anywhere

>And the only other living beings who knew you had it were the members of the cooking club and-

>...Celestia

>Goddammit

>You only had like two bites!

>When did she even take it?

>You're not /teaching/ her shit until she gets you another cake to make up for it

>She's a princess, she has to be able to do at least that much!

>Shit, this is the hungriest you've been in a while

>Right then, there's a knock on your door

"It's open!"

>In walks Brass

>"Time for recess, Anon. Let's go."

"Sure."

>You leave the open book where it lies, heading out the door with Brass

"So, everybody's gonna be out there, huh? Even those black-level inmates?"

>"Yep. The black-suits have their own sectioned off area, but they'll be out there. You really shouldn't try to socialize with them though."

"Isn't that the whole point of this?"

>"They aren't exactly the sociable type, Anon. They're more likely to say mean stuff about your mom and try to bully you into becoming their underling or something."

"Underling? So there's gangs in here?"

>"Kinda. Several black-suits have a small gaggle of lower-class criminals to sneak them extra pudding and whatnot."

>That pudding /was/ pretty good

"So, what are they all in for?"

>"Multiple counts of violence and hurt feelings, as a general rule. But there's special cases too."

 

"Special cases like what?"

>"Like griffon nobility. And a serial smacker."

"...A what...?"

>"A serial smacker, Anon. It's terrible business. He ran around smacking ponies for no reason. Sometimes he'd even get the same pony multiple times!"

>You try your hardest not to laugh

>You really do

>But a snicker escapes you

>Brass whips his head around at you, glaring

>You hold your hands up apologetically

"Sorry. But honestly, compared to some things that happen in my world, that's more a comedy act than anything."

>Brass just shakes his head

>"Remind me never to go to Earth."

"Yeah. You wouldn't like it there, bud."

>He looks at you curiously

>"All jokes aside, why do you make your home out to be so terrible? What could humans possibly fear?"

>...

>You don't have the heart to utter the words 'other humans'

>Everything's so soft and cuddly here

>And you're going to do your best to make sure it stays that way

>Still, he wants an answer, and just blowing it off doesn't seem right

>Let's tell a little story

"I can tell you a few tales, if you like."

>Brass' face takes on a wary look

>"Will it be anything like that injury story you told...?"

>You chuckle

>"Nah. These ones are better, and no nasty stuff. They're about old human heroes."

>You were a bit of a mythology buff

>He nods

>"Alright, I think I'll take you up on that, then."

>You reach the door leading out into the courtyard

>It's massive!

>And Brass wasn't kidding when he said /every/ inmate would be out here

"Cool. Let's find a spot to sit. It's a great day."

>"It really is! I bet the Princess is in a good mood today. /Wonder why/?"

>Waggle of the eyebrows

>This cheeky little git

>You'll miss him when you go

>The pair of you find a nice spot to sit out on the grass

>You're getting ready to start telling your story when you hear someone call your name

>"Anon!"

>Oh hey, it's Steel Magnolia!

>The others from the weight club are with her too

>"We've been trying to find you! Did you just come outside?"

 

"Yeah, sorry. I was busy."

>"It's okay! What are you doing? Do you want to hang out with us?"

"I was going to tell Brass some stories about my home. You guys want to listen?"

>General agreement

>Cool

>You took a moment to decide which particular story

>Most of the old Northern European stuff was good

>Just had to filter it a little bit...

>...

>Got it!

"Once, there was a group of humans called the Danes, and they had a King named Hrothgar, son of Healfdane..."

>Beowulf

>You couldn't remember the whole thing

>But you knew the important bits

>There was something for everybody

>Brass liked the idea of Hrothgar building a hall for himself and his friends

>The club was enjoying the description of the lavish parties thrown within the King of the Danes' great home

>And then you get to the interesting part

>Grendel

>You had to scale back the violence a little

>The original story has Grendel tearing 30 men apart and eating them

>You made it so he'd come in and pelt them with pillows randomly in the night

>Judging by the gasps, you think you left just enough "violence" to have the desired effect

>Everyone was indignant for the hall-dwellers, and scared of the idea of a lurking pillow-slinger

>Everything's going well, even other inmates passing by come and listen

>Time to build some drama

"And then, after the pillow attacks grew so savage that the Danes fled their great hall, and word spread wide across the North that Hrothgar had need of a champion... He came."

>Sand Stone leans in

>"Who came, Anon?"

>You lean in right back, your voice low and reverent for effect

"Beowulf."

>Widened eyes all around

"Champion of Hygelac! Pride of the Geats! Warrior known across all the cold North, and he came across the sea with a mighty host, to defeat the Demon of Heorot!"

>They're all hooked now

>Even more inmates wander over, hearing your raised voice

"Hrothgar greeted Beo ad gave him his blessing, promising to fill his ships with gold if he could drive Grendel from his hall!"

 

>A few dog-orc looking things get hella excited at that

>You'll ask Brass what they are later

"That night saw Beowulf come alone to Heorot. After hearing of the beast's savagery, he knew he could never expose his fellow men to such a foul creature."

>Somebody pipes up

>"Wait, he takes that thing on alone?!"

>Some gasps go up

>Fuck yeah

>You continue

>You explain about how Grendel hated the sounds of merriment and happiness, and that was why he'd attacked the Danes in the first place

>That affected your audience more than you thought it would

>There were genuine looks of horror in the audience

>Well, this place seems to literally run on sunshine and rainbows

>You guess that /would/ be pretty evil from their perspective

"Beo spent many an hour tending the fire, drinking and singing. And then, in the dead of night... He came at last. Terrible Grendel, come to see what fool dared make a home of the hall of the Danes."

>You raise your voice into a roar, doing your best monster imitation

"Who dares?! Who dares make merry in this hall?! Some fool Dane, who knows not the name of Heorot's new master?"

>You hop to the side, striking up a new stance and voice

>You play both sides in the epic battle, as Beowulf announces his identity and challenges Grendel to single combat for the hall

>Beo actually wrestled Grendel into submission in the original story, you think, so there isn't much alteration necessary

>You obviously won't tell them that Grendel gets his arm ripped off and dies

>But you think you've got a fitting alternate ending, with a little help from the movie adaptation

"Finally, Grendel caved! Fear gripped the monster's heart as he fled, never to return to Heorot. But curiosity compelled him to stop just before the door, and turn to face his unassailable foe a final time."

>Back in Grendel voice

"W-Who are you?! How can you be so strong?!"

>Beowulf mode

 

"I am Smacker... Whacker... Smasher... Wrassler. I am the Pillow in the Darkness, the Thrown Pie in the Night. Mine is Strength... and Friendship... and Power! I! AM! BEOWULF!"

>With a yell, you pantomime a big final hit on Grendel

>Crowd goes wild

"And so it was! our hero made good on his promise, and noble King Hrothgar made good on his! The Geat's ships were weighed down with treasure, and our hero claimed new glory, to be told of throughout the ages. This was not the last of Beowulf's great adventures, but that is a story for another day!"

>Round of applause

>You take a bow, and faintly hear a bell go off somewhere in the background

>"Alright, alright! That's enough! Time to head inside, everyone! Let's go!"

>Some guards start shepherding your audience inside

>Your weightlifting pals gather around

>"That was great, Anon! Will you tell some more stories tomorrow?"

"Sure. It was fun telling it to you guys."

>Steel Eye poses a question

>"So what was all that about Geets and Daynes, Anon? Humans have tribes?"

"A long time ago, yeah. They've mostly merged together now, though. Although the Danes are technically still around, the Geats merged with other local groups to become one big collective."

>Steel Magnolia eagerly joins in

>"What tribe are you, Anon?"

>Oh

>Uh

>'Merican?

>Naw, let's keep it mythical

"I descend from a group who called themselves the Celts. They lived a looooong time ago, about the same period as the Geats and Danes, but they go back even further I believe."

>"That's really cool! Minotaurs have clans too!"

>You spend a few more minutes chatting before the guards finally shoo you all inside

>After everyone goes their separate ways, it's just you and Brass

>"That was a cool story, Anon! And I think you were right. If your world has night-lurking, pillow-slinging monsters in it, I think I'd rather take a pass."

>You chuckle

"Told you, buddy. Earth's a crazy place."

>Your equine friend will never know the true reasons behind that statement

 

>Speaking of equine friends

>You had a hot date with the other princess tonight

>And Celestia's reaction during your "interview" got you thinking

>About alien pony physiology

>If you're gonna do lewd stuff to princesses, you're damn well gonna be good at it.

>Apparently you already were just with Brass' earlier unintentional advice, but a little studying could help

>And it'd be studying a subject you would actually retain

>Instead of trying to metaphorically swallow half a fucking textbook in a single night and hoping the information sticks

>You shudder

>Fucking finals week

>Why do you want to go back to Earth again?

>Oh yeah...

>Loved ones and responsibilities

>You straighten up a little with that thought

>All the more reason to shower your two new favorite princesses with all the affection they could stand while you were here

"Hey Brass, when's dinner? Do we have time to do something really quick?"

>"We've got a little bit. Why? I thought you were really hungry?"

>Jesus Tap-Dancing Christ

>The hunger comes back to you the moment he mentions it

>Yeah, forget the lewd study time for now

>Let's get grub

"It can wait until after dinner. I'm starving!"

>"Alright. Let's head over and wait for the cafeteria to open then."

>Away you go, down the halls, around the corners, and over several startled ponies

>Brass is doing his best to keep up, but hunger accelerates you to the speed of Kenyans

>You come to a skidding halt outside the cafeteria doors

>First in line, baby

>Brass trots up afterward, wheezing

>"How are you so fast on only two legs? That doesn't even make sense!"

"Quality over quantity, homie. Plus, humans have always been able to run a long way with decent speed."

>Until fast food

>"Sheesh... You really are some kind of god."

>You fucking wish

>You and Brass just bum around outside, othe inmates lining up behind you, until the doors finally open

>nyyyeeeessss.jpg

>Book your shit into line and pile the food onto your tray

>Head to a table and dig in

 

>Brass finds you shortly after and sits down

>You devour your food in the span of a few minutes, leaning back with a contented sigh

>After Brass finishes his, he looks over to you

>"What was it you wanted to do earlier?"

"I wanted to head back to the library and get another book."

>"Alright. You want to go right now?"

"Yeah."

>You both clean up and head out

>Brass questions you on the way

>"What are you going to get this time?"

"Book on pony physiology. I'm curious as to how you guys work."

>For a number of reasons

>Both sex related and non-sex related

>Brass grunts in acknowledgement

>The rest of the trip to the library is spent in easy silence

>Get in, get your book, and get out

>Head back to your cell

>"Hey, Anon."

"Yeah?"

>"...treat the princess well, okay?"

>You stop and face Brass, a little caught off-guard

"Well, yeah, of course. What brought this on?"

>He looks you in the eye, expression neutral

>"You likely didn't know this, but I'm a former Solar Guard. I served Princess Celestia up until a few years back. And although I don't have the honor of knowing the Princess on a personal level, I can tell you this: she's lonely, Anon. She's been lonely for most of her life. Her subjects don't count. We are naught but fleeting memories to her. There was a long period where she didn't even have her own sister to turn to. Now, I don't know how courtship would work between beings like you and the Princess, but just... treat her well. I figure you have plans to return to your own world, but just don't break Her Majesty's heart. Alright?"

>...

>He's right

>You got a little caught up in the flow when Celestia visited you

>You can't let it happen again

>You won't return the book just yet, but you should take it slower with the princesses

>You don't know anything about magic, but given that Celestia herself is looking into it, you imagine you'll have your way home soon

>And your parents were hard enough on you that they didn't raise a guy who smashes and dashes

 

"I won't, Brass. I'll be a little more mindful of what happens now. Thanks."

>Your chaperone nods approvingly

>You continue on towards your room

"So, out of curiosity, why'd you leave the guard? It sounded like you enjoyed it."

>"I did, for the most part. But... I dunno. You just reach a point where you get tired, Anon. Tired of having to deal with rowdy ponies and nobles, and other things no other ponies can handle. Tired of having to be brave every day. Granted, it didn't come for a long time. I was proud of what I was doing. Still am. I wore the golden armor for years. But the day eventually came. I just woke up one morning and knew I wanted out. So I left. Honorably discharged. Some talented young officer filled my post, and I took my pension and found a new job shortly after, here."

>You nod silently

>You aren't sure what to say, to be honest

>It sounds like Brass has seen some shit

>And you're willing to bet that just like any other sapient being who's ever seen some shit, he'd rather not talk about it too much

>The silence continues all the way back to your cell

"Thanks, Brass."

>"No problem, Anon. You know where my office is if you need something."

"Yeah. See ya tomorrow."

>He heads off as you enter your cell

>You check the time on a conveniently-placed wall clock

>7 PM on the nose

>You'll just read until you pass out, then get some time with Luna

>You hope to whatever horse gods exist that Celestia broached the subject of her "proposal" instead of leaving it to you, because that conversation would be awkward as fuck

>There's also the matter of:

>Yeah, Luna, I kinda pleasured your sister because she came on really strong and she said you'd probably be cool with it. You are, right?

>Better steel yourself, Anon

>Time to own your fuck-up

>You dive into your book on pony physiology but don't skip straight to the naughty bits

>Magic is really interesting

>And the subject of cutie marks is odd but fascinating

>A visual representation of your strong suit

 

>Brass Badge, naturally enough, has a badge

>...but how does that show what he's good at?

>How do you get "destined to join the Solar Guard and then run security at a prison" out of that?

>You couldn't see Warden's, she wears clothes that cover it

>Same for all the pony inmates

>Luna and Celestia had a moon and sun respectively

>So what's their talent, then?

>You can ask Luna tonight

>...if she's still willing to speak to you

>Is polygamy a standard thing here?

>You highly fucking doubt it

>The encyclopedia made no reference to it, from what you skimmed through of the various changes in culture

>Regardless, you're going to tell her what happened with Celestia

>For better or worse

>Moving on, let's look at magic

>...

>The jargon makes little to no sense

>There's no real description for what it actually /is/, just what it can do

>Some kind of force-carrying particle, generated by their horns?

>You've seen both Luna and Celestia use it

>You've even been struck by it

>But you still don't have a tangible idea of how it works

>Could Faust use it?

>But that doesn't make sense

>She was supposed to be human too

>So how did she create all this? What if this is some strange alternate universe where humans really /are/ gods, and you're the odd one out here?

>Fuck off brain, that's stupid

>Let's just set the magic aside for now

>You're working yourself into a fit, and you'd like to get to sleep quickly

>Might as well get to the naughty bits

>You flip through the book until you find what you're looking for

>...

>Why do they have fully formed genitalia if they reproduce through belly rubs?

>Pregnancy and delivery must be the same for mares as it is for women

>...

>Oh

>Ohhhh

>It's not that the belly rubs are sex for them, just that it triggers ovulation...

>Usually applied before sex

>That makes a hell of a lot more sense

>Compared to your earlier impression, anyway

>But why was Celestia confused then?

>Brass said she's been alone most of her life

>Did he mean...?

 

>...

>Jesus

>That's a long time to go without getting any

>Your dick feels physical pain at the thought

>Also explains why she was so eager

>And uninformed

>It's kind of cute actually, looking back

>But you won't be swayed by cuteness anymore

>If Luna's not down with Celestia's proposal, it's not going to happen

>You can only hope she forgives you

>You read a little more, and then set the book aside

>Let's bust out the phone

>Switch it on, and set some music

>Lay in your comfy-ass bed, and wait

>Sleep takes longer to come this time around

>You feel yourself starting to go, eventually

>You manage to get your phone turned off before it claims you

>...

>Back in your apartment again

>Do you really dream about this place so often, or has it just become a convenient setting for you and Luna?

>Regardless, you get up, exit your room, and enter the common area

>...

>Strange, she isn't here...

>What do?

>You flop down in your armchair

>Time passes, still no Luna

>Without a huggable Princess of the Night to distract you, it occurs to you how surreal this is

>You never had lucid dreams on Earth

>Let's have some fun with it while you wait

>The only question is, what should you do?

>Play vidya?

>Solid

>Actually, fuck playing, let's /live/ it

>What game though?

>Gotta keep in mind that Luna could show up anytime...

 

>You're Confident Vigilance, the Solar Guard!

>Everything had gone back to normal after you escorted that one sock-wearing weirdo to Canterlot Maximum Security

>You'd recovered from getting your feelings hurt, too!

>And for a day, everything stayed hunky-dory

>Now...

>*CRASH*

>"ABSOLUTELY NOT!"

>"Luna, be reasonable!"

>Now, you're just trying to stay out of the way of the ongoing catastrophe, and it's all you can do to avoid going deaf from the volume of the conversation

>If you could call it that

>The Sisters are arguing about something

>And whatever it is, it must be pretty serious, because Her Majesty Luna looks utterly terrifying!

>"Reasonable? REASONABLE?! Do not speak to me of reason! You encroach on him behind my back, lie to him in order to receive his affections, and then have the /gall/ to ask me if I'm willing to share? /After/ the fact?!"

>"He approves of me, sister! I'll not let you monopolize-"

>"Just because something doesn't go your way for once doesn't mean I have to cave to your ridiculous request to make it 'fair'! And I certainly will /not/ allow you to follow me into his dreams! It is /our/ realm, his and mine, and you've already spent enough time in his presence today, haven't you?!"

>"LUNA!"

>"NO!"

>The Sisters rush by you as you cower against the hallway wall

>S-Scary...

>You're on the verge of tears just from the sheer intensity of their voices!

>What could they be so angry about, to be so horrible to each other?!

>*sob*

>You're gonna go hide

 

>You are Anonymous, false god and stranger in a strange land

>Currently dreaming

>And you are having a fucking blast

>It started out simple enough

>You summoned up the power armor and minigun you'd used in your dream battle with Luna and went wandering the wasteland

>But you realized that you didn't have to limit yourself to one game

>So you spiced it up

>Mechs from Hawken

>If Luna was going to walk in on you during a dream, she was going to see some badass shit

>Like you destroying mechs

 

>You climbed into your mech of choice and fucking had at it

>Mowing down deathclaws, ghouls, raiders, and other mechs

>It was better than just roaming the wastes, but...

>You could do better

>Let's add...

>Fuck yeah, let's add the mutants from S.T.A.L.K.E.R. and Metro!

>Blind Dogs, Zombie Stalkers, Librarians, and other horrors appear from nowhere

>It's a fucking bloodbath now

>...

>You feel like that's a bad thing for some reason

>Are you forgetting something?

>...can't think of anything

>Whatever

>Shit gets a little crazy

>A group of Librarians coordinated to take your mech down

>As they crowded your fallen vehicle, slowly tearing the cockpit door open, your power armor rematerialized around you, now with a jetpack, and a power fist appeared on your hand

>Wait for it...

>Now!

>SHORYUKEN!

>You burst from your fallen machine, taking the head off of the first mutant abomination to look inside

>Your jetpack carries you a fair distance into the air, and you take the opportunity to look around

>Carnage

>Total, utter carnage

>And you're going to add to it

>You ditch the power fist, and materialize a gatling laser as you land

>lethegamesbegin.jpg

>You're charged by the mutants, and you tear into them with your weapon

>It's like your battle with the dream guards, except no one is spared

>Wave after wave of mutants are reduced to particle dust by your gatling laser

>The last Librarian falls to ground mere feet from you

>These fleshy mongrels were no match

>Let's get a /real/ challenge up in this bitch

>A shockwave rocks the ground as a Reaper lands

>Geth drop ships fill the sky as the Old Machine turns it great red "eye" to you

>You are Commander Shepard, and this is your favorite dream ever

 

>You are Confident Vigilance again

>Things are still pretty scary here

>You're hiding in the barracks with other guards

>Canterlot Palace is rumbling

>Literally

>The sisters are fighting up there

>Hurling pillows with enough force to bruise!

>The horror!

>You need a new job

>The minutes tick on, seemingly without end

>...oh!

>It sounds like things have quieted down up in the palace!

>Maybe the sisters made up?

>Happy day!

>...you think you'll wait a bit before heading up to check though

 

>Back to being Anon

>You are laying waste to the Geth, evading beam fire from the Reaper as you do so

>It's not even remotely Mass Effect, though

>It honestly resembles something out of Dynasty Warriors

>You careen through the Geth hordes on your jetpack, still wearing your power armor, destroying all in your path with a super sledge

>When you get a big cluster of them together, you rise up and fire the Experimental MIRV into them

>Real, nuclear ammo this time

>Your kill count is genocide

>And the Reaper's next

>You change direction, making a beeline for the robo-squid

>It's big red eye lights up, and you do a mid-air barrel roll out of the way just in time as a red beam rips through the air next to you

>You feel kinda sick from the maneuver, but press on

>It'll take a few seconds to charge the next shot

>By that time, you'll have reached it

>The Geth put up a screen of fire as you fly towards it

>Bits of power armor are blown off whenever a hit is made, but you make it through

>You hover in air, taunting it

>The eye lights up again

>You fire the MIRV

>All eight mini-nukes impact in and around the big red light, and the Reaper reels from the damage

>But it's still up

>You quickly descend, finding an area with minimal Geth

>After sledging the shit out of the stragglers, you turn and face the reaper again

>...odd, you thought you felt something there...

>Like the dream was altered somehow

>But you didn't will anything...

>OH SHIT

>Dodge to the side in the nick of time, as another beam cuts the ground next to you

>No time to think! You need a bigger gun!

>What's a really big gun?!

>...

>GOT IT!

>Fallout always has the answer

>You discard your other weapons, and will Euclid's C-Finder into your hand

 

>Time to put this fucking squid in its place

>Line it up

>Pull the trigger

>The targeting laser goes out

>...

>No connection?!

>Do you have to visualize the satellite too?!

>FUCK!

>Dodge again

>That one was so close it kinda melted parts of your armor plate

>Shit

>What would an orbital solar weapon even look like?

>Thinking cap on

>Solar panels, battery to store the energy from the panels, something to create the light from said energy, something to focus the light into a beam...

>All of that at geosynchronous orbit

>C'mon brain, you got this!

>You take to the air and retreat away from the Reaper, avoiding another beam

>You have a little less luck avoiding the Geth shots this time

>Part of your helmet is gone, and chunks of the chest piece

>You holster the C-Finder and rematerialize your super sledge, to buy yourself some time

>You come down right on top of a group of the robotic soldiers, and set to work

>Metal heads, arms, and entire torsos go flying as you hammer out a temporary Geth-free zone

>Alright, that'll do

>You're out of the Reaper's sight line, but it knows where you are from the Geth's collective intelligence

>You don't have much time

>Close your eyes and focus

>...

>You feel the dream slowly start to bend as you finalize the details of the satellite in your mind

>...it is done?

>Only one way to find out

>Right on cue, the Reaper looms into view, eye shining and ready

>You line up your shot and pull the trigger

>Laser goes out...

>...c'mon...

>Yes! Coordinates received! Here it comes!!

>The Reaper's eye lights up-

>Right as a column of light slams into it from above

"SUCK IT!"

>You shout it triumph as the Reaper burns and melts, finally collapsing to the ground

>The Geth topple over where they stood, crippled by the Reaper's defeat

>You might not be an actual god, but you sure feel like one right now

>You test your power armor's jetpack

>Still functions

>You fly up into the air, and look down at the scene you've created

 

>Hell of a night

>...and Luna's still not here?

>Shame, maybe she's busy

>You come back down to the ground, and will away your armor

>"Anon!"

>Oh!

>A blue, winged mass practically dive-bombs into you with a hug

>"I observed your battle! Incredible! But what were those things? The giant one was horrific!"

>Luna's here

>Fancy speech engage

"They were constructs, assembled from metal. I was merely entertaining myself while you were away."

>"C-constructs? Humans /build/ such things?"

>Not in real life, but kind of

"Yes. We have grown very skilled at creating."

>"And do you create, as well?"

"Only in dreams. My skills are better suited to other things. But tell me, what kept you tonight?"

>You were genuinely curious

>She hesitates

>"...you were visited by my sister today, correct?"

>...here we go.

"Yes. And I assume she was not telling the whole truth about your being open to her 'idea'?"

>Luna does a double-take

>"I- well- yes, actually. That saves me some explanation. Good."

>She's silent for a moment

>"May we sit?"

>You wordlessly nod, and you both take a seat on the ground across from each other

>"Anonymous. I am unsure of how human customs work, but... Would you say- that is, do you consider us to be-"

"Together?"

>Her face takes a tinge of red

>"Yes. Do you?"

"Luna. We've spoken of this."

>"I know! But, then-! But you kissed me! Right next to my horn! I thought- I assumed-"

>You reach forward and grab one of her front hooves

"I did indeed. And I do feel that way towards you. Yet the point I made the second night still stands. I have every intention to leave. But, as I said to your sister earlier, I shall give you all the attention you desire before I go. If you want for that to extend only to you, then so be it."

>Her hoof squeezes your hand

>You still have no idea how that's possible

>"You give me priority over Celestia...?"

>That clearly means a lot to her

>She likely has a complex

 

>You just nod, squeezing her hoof in return

>She takes a breath, and smiles

>"You words cheer me, Anonymous."

"Just call me Anon."

>"I-if you insist... Anon!"

>She springs forward, tackling you to the ground and nuzzling you

>You laugh and nuzzle her right back

>The pair of you just remain there on the ground for a while, before Luna breaks the silence

>"I hope that this business with Celestia does not make you think any less of her, Anon. She is... Were I in her position, I cannot promise I would not do the same."

"What is it about me that has the pair of you enamored?"

>Another thing you were seriously curious about

>You were a scruffy-ass college student who hadn't shaved in days

>GQ front cover material you were not, but you had two alien princesses all over you

>Luna responds, looking off at the ruined hulk of the Reaper as she answers

>"We are immortal, my sister and I. We have seen every successive generation of ponies age and pass on. They cannot provide us the companionship we seek. But you..."

>She turns back to look at you

>"Humans are a higher existence than even we. Ageless like us, with powers beyond ours. What more could we desire?"

>Dear sweet god

>That bar's set so high you need a fucking pair of binoculars to see it

>You can't be certain about how you age here, but you know for damn sure that you don't have any powers

>Unless you count super strength, but that's just a matter of their perception

>You were apparently resistant to magic too, but still

>Far from the badass elder god Luna wanted you to be

>Let's see if we can steer the subject away from you

>You wrap your arms around Luna and squeeze a bit, to which she hums happily

"I have some more questions, if that's alright. And a request."

>"Of course! Anything you'd like to know, and anything you desire!"

"Please don't read my mind any longer. Relations are built on respect, and I ask you respect the privacy of my thoughts."

>She nods hurriedly.

>"I swear it!"

"As for my questions, I was reading about cutie marks and what they mean. What does yours symbolize? What is your talent?"

>"My talents are twofold, dream walking and maintaining the moon's orbit!"

>...

>Aaaaaaand that bar is now in fucking orbit

 

>Wait

>If Luna moves the moon

>Then does Celestia...?

"And your sister?"

>You manage to keep the rising nervousness out of your voice

>"Celestia handles the sun!"

>...welp

>You can never, EVER allow them to find out that you're just some guy

>You aren't sure what'll happen if they do, but you have some ideas, and they all involve being thrown into space

>Or the sun

>How does that even work? How can it be that these two are so powerful that they can move /celestial bodies/ with, presumably, their magic?

>That's scary as hell

>...next question

"Fitting, considering your names. And what are changelings?"

>She tilts her head

>niggathat'skawaii.jpg

>"Changelings are frightening creatures. They shape shift in order to impersonate ponies, feeding off of the love others hold for them. We have suffered much at their hooves in the past. Why do you ask?"

"The guardspony assigned to me, Brass Badge, made some mention of them. I was curious."

>She nods, thinking nothing more of it

>"May we ask some questions of you, in exchange?"

>Alright

>Tread lightly, Anon

"Certainly."

>She smiles

>"Last night, you showed me a human city, but said it was not your home. What is your home like, then? I'd love to see!"

>You could never refuse that enthusiasm

"Sure!"

>You sit up, bringing Luna's front half to rest on your lap like the first time you did this

>Close your eyes

>Let's think

>You want to keep up the godly image, and you can't be certain how she'll react to there being seven billion humans on Earth

>Let's just stick with natural scenery for now

>You materialize your bed beneath you and Luna

>Then close your eyes and focus on Mt. Hood

>When you open them, the sight that meets you takes your breath away, just like every other time you've seen it

>Pristine white slopes, covered in trees, fall away as the tall mountain gives way to the valleys and lesser ranges in the distance

>You turn and look to see the peak of the mountain higher above, spearing a single cloud on its tip

 

>Luna's speechless for a moment, then manages to breathe out a single word

>"...lovely..."

"It sure is."

>She looks around in all directions, taking the view in

>"And you lived here?"

"No, haha, not quite. I live in a region far to the west of the city you saw last night, and further west still from here.This mountain is a notable landmark in my home. Where I actually lived was..."

>You close your eyes

>Images of home come freely

>But no

>You got away with D.C. because it was an important place on Earth and therefore it was understandable for it to be large, but you'd have to limit how many other cities you showed her to keep up the layer of mysticism

>Your hometown isn't exactly huge, but it's sure to raise some uncomfortable questions

>Let's use your grandma's house, out in the boonies

>You open your eyes, and find yourself in a familiar living room with a view of a river

>Luna eagerly hops up

>"Is this it? Your home?"

>As close as you can ever show her, yeah

"Yes."

>She immediately starts investigating the house

>You chuckle, then get up and follow

>There's paintings and photographs all over the house, Luna eagerly examining each

>"These are well-made, Anon! Did you paint these?"

"No. A relative of mine made them. As I mentioned, my skills lend themselves to pursuits other than creation."

>"Do you have a large family, then? You mentioned an aunt last night."

>A mistake, in hindsight

>You should have kept quiet about your family, making it seem like you'd just always existed, like an actual higher power

>Ah well, too late

"I do indeed. I've not seen many of them in a long time, though."

>College sucks like that

>Luna continues moving through the house, checking out every room until she comes to the bedroom, in which she takes a running dive onto the bed

>Thankfully your grandma had a memory foam mattress

>How do you explain a god having a shittier bed than you?

>Luna rolls all around the bed, enjoying the feeling

 

>She makes a comment on the bed

>"A strange material... Not as soft as cloud, and yet I cannot say it is inferior. What is it?"

"Memory foam. It's essentially elastic material interwoven with soft fabric, if memory serves."

>Pure bullshit, you had no fucking idea

>But you couldn't afford to appear ignorant on anything from Earth

>You had a princess to impress

>"An interesting idea..."

>She ceases her rolling, stretches out, and pats the spot next to her

>"You needn't stand, Anon."

>You're only too happy to accept

>You flop onto the bed, and Luna scoots in close, laying a hoof and wing across you

>This

>This is nice

>You wrap an arm around her in return, and you both just lay like that for a while

>She eventually breaks the comfortable silence

>"May I see more?"

"You hardly need to ask at this point, Luna. What do you want to see?"

>"Your kin and friends, for one. For you to wish to return home for their sake, you must love them a great deal. Additionally... I have enjoyed everything you've shown me so far, but... I want to see more of /you/, Anon. More of the tale that is your life, not merely the backdrops to it. "

>...you don't deserve this

>This interest, this earnest affection

>But you can't find the steel in yourself to say no

>Not after taking a look into those teal eyes

>Plus, you honestly don't want to see her sad anymore

>Not after that shit you read in the encyclopedia

>Nothing for it then, but you will have to make some...

>Embellishments

"Alright. What would you like to see first?"

>"Whatever you wish to show me first."

>Crap

>You were hoping she'd put some thought into that question, so you could have more time to think

>Whatever

>Let's lead off with your parents

>You shut your eyes, but rather than change the whole scene, you just summon up a person

>Or rather the image of that person

>Your dad, or his younger self at least, to keep up the illusion

>You take after him a great deal

>Luna notices too

>"Would this be your father?"

"It is."

 

>"The resemblance is apparent."

>You chuckle

>You wish you could show her his 5 brothers

>The family resemblance was crazy

>"What realm does he preside over?"

>There's what you were afraid of

>Still, you were somewhat prepared

"He presides over space."

>Luna looks back at you, awed

>"As in, the void? The realm of stars?"

"Ah, no. As in, perceived space. For example, the lack thereof between you and I."

>You give her a little squeeze

>She giggles

>You elaborate a little

"My father could move several thousand pounds of matter from one point to another."

>Luna's eyes widen

>You knew that much weight would be a big deal, considering the reaction you got in the weight room earlier

>It wasn't exactly a lie, either

>He worked as a truck driver now, hauling freight

>You just took inspiration from that

>"T-truly? In an instant?"

"Indeed."

>Not really, but the truth wasn't as impressive

>"And your mother?"

>You conjure up her image too, next to your dad's

"She is among the humans that create things, like Faust."

>Your mom's the head of graphic & web design at an insurance company

>Luna perks up at that

>"Did she create a world like ours?"

>Do webpages count?

"Yes, but less complex. She also made some of the paintings you saw around the house."

>Luna examines your mom with new appreciation

>"What about you?"

>She's been working up to this question

>Here it is, Anon

>The big one

>What should you-

>Before you can finish your thought, the dream starts rumbling

>Luna's still looking at you expectantly

>You shoot her a grin

"Next time!"

>She pouts

>You know just the thing to cheer her up, though

"Don't be like that, I have something else for you."

>"Oh? What?"

>You lean in and lock lips

>She squeaks, paralyzed for a moment, then melts into you

>You run a hand up her belly as you break the kiss, smiling down at her blushing face

"See you tonight, Luna."

>...

>Back in your cell

>Luna still likes you, and massive dream battles were had

>10/10 night

>Check phone

>7:38

 

>Hop out of bed, reflecting on that dream you just had

>You gotta work on your self-control

>As fucking ravishing as Luna is, every little display of affection will only make it worse when you have to leave

>Or when your throne of lies crumbles on itself, whichever happens first

>And if you don't come up with a solid story on what your "domain" as a god is, it's gonna be the latter

>Get cleaned up and ready

>There's a knock on the door

"Ay, Brass. Come in."

>In he comes

>"Good morning Anon. All set?"

"Yup. Let's go eat."

>As you walk over, you ask him a question

"Hey, what do you know about Discord?"

>"About as much as anyone else. He's the god of chaos, and up until a few years ago he was a huge threat to Equestria."

>Sounds pretty metal, if he's anything like the chaos gods you've heard of

>But you doubt that

>This is soft, cuddly pony land

"Was?"

>"Yup. He claims to be reformed now. Hangs out with the Elements of Harmony, or so the rumors go."

"But why, though? Can he really be trusted? From what I read in that encyclopedia it sounded like he really got a kick out of making life suck for ponies."

>"Couldn't tell you, wasn't there. Maybe the powers of harmony finally got to him. Either way, the princesses seem to believe that he's genuinely turned over a new leaf."

>...well, if they say so

>It's none of your business anyways

>The pair of you arrive at the cafeteria and get in line, chatting it up still

"So do you have to follow me around the whole time I'm here?"

>"Not necessarily. Warden just wanted me to follow you around until you got settled. Which you are, but as long as I'm following you around, I can get out of doing real work for a while!"

>You both chuckle

"What about all that paperwork you had to do the other day? You just get an underling to do it for you?"

>"Nope, it's already done! And that was all I had to do for the week, too."

>Damn

>That's an easy job if you can do a week's worth of work in a single night

>You're struck with an idea

 

>After you get your food and grab a seat, you begin pitching it

"Hey Brass, do prisoners ever get to go outside the prison? Like, on a trip into town?"

>"Sometimes! Only the ones with good behavior, though."

>Nice

>You're getting in on this

>You haven't seen much of this place aside from the Day Court, the road to the prison, and the prison itself

"Can I go on the next one?"

>Brass raises a hoof to his chin, scratching

>"...I don't think so. Usually it's only oranges and grays allowed out of the prison. Also, you've got violence and p-public indecency on your record."

>Fuuuuuck

>But you've been on your best behavior ever since!

"C'mon, Brass! Can't you vouch for me? Actually, can't we just get Warden to approve the whole thing? She thinks I'm cool, right?"

>Before you can get your answer, he's interrupted

>"Hey, Anon!"

>It's the weights club!

"Morning, guys!"

>There's not quite enough space at one table, so you put two together

>Steel Eye pats you on the back as he takes the other seat next to you

>"Ready to pump some iron?! We're excited to see what you can do today!"

"Hell yeah, dude! Let's do it."

>You get some odd looks before you remember that no one understands what that means

"Human phrase. It means 'heck yeah!'"

>Everybody's all smiles again

>Gotta remember to check the language

>One of the griffons pipes up

>"That's another thing bro. Where are humans from?"

>Q&A time

>You spend breakfast answering questions about yourself between bites of food

>Eventually everybody finishes up and you start walking to the weight room

>"One more thing, Anon. What are you in for?"

>Aw fug

>It's Steel Magnolia asking

>The crime that got you in here is embarrassing, if anything

>You'll just tell her-

>"He got in for wearing socks in public, then got his sentence extended for assaulting guards."

>Goddammit Brass!

>Incredulous laughter everywhere

>You turn and glare at your chaperone, who just gives you a raised eyebrow and a troll smile

>This little mofo right here

 

"Was that really necessary?"

>"Brass thinks for a moment

>"Oh, I forgot! He didn't just wear socks in /any/ old public place, no sir! He showed up in Day Court wearing them!"

>Incredulous laughter intensifies, some whoops go up

>You'll get him for this

>Sand Stone chimes in

>"Must've been trying to impress the princess, eh Anon? Had a petition you really needed to win? Hahahaha!"

>Someone else calls from the back of the group

>"She says that, but she wants to see you in socks too, big guy!"

>Sand Stone turns beet red, whirling to face the group

>"Who said that?!"

>You can't help but join in the laughter too, this time

>These guys seem like fun, now that you're "in"

>Arrive at the weight room

>You're actually pretty excited

>Even if you can't go too high in weight, it'l feel good to work out again

>Everybody files into the room and drifts among the machines, getting right to it

>You follow the minotaurs, since the equipment they use fits you best

"What are you guys doing today?"

>"Legs!"

>...How?

>Their legs look like they're mostly bone...

>You keep your doubts to yourself for now, but you get the feeling that this will be weird to watch

>Steel Eye goes first

>Everything looks normal so far

>Squat rack looks the same as the ones you've seen back on Earth

>The bar looks the same as the one on the bench, which felt like a standard 45-pounder

>...It's gonna be the stance

>You just know it

>He gets in under it, and lifts off

>Trap stands behind him to spot

>Squares up, and...

>He goes down into the first rep

>You were right about the stance

>Shit's weird man

>Although, it makes sense given that they have an entirely different leg structure

>He finishes his set

>Trap and Magnolia finish theirs, with you spotting Magnolia

>Your turn

>"How much do you want Anon?"

>"Load 135, for now."

>They don't have much weight, so you'll keep it light

>Yet despite your best efforts, you still get an awed look

>"Right off the bat? Anon, you gotta warm up!"

"It's fine, guys."

 

>They look at each other for a second, but do as you say

>You get in, and lift the bar off the rack

>No problems so far

>Set your stance, and get started

>First set goes by with no problems, and you return the bar to its resting place

>Turn around to see a hyped-looking trio of minotaurs behind you

>Trap speaks up

>"That was awesome, man! A plate right off the bat! How do you do it?"

"Chocolate milk and hyper-regeneration!"

>Trap looks at Eye and Magnolia

>"We gotta start drinking chocolate milk!"

>Heheheheh

>Wait, do minotaurs drink cow milk, or...?

>Your eyes drift to Magnolia's prodigious chest

>No

>Down, junior

>Think of Luna

>That just made it worse

>It takes a couple minutes, but you manage to get your partial chub under control before the next set

>Crank that one out too

>You up weight as you continue sets, much to the accolade of your fellows

>Other club members gather to watch as you lift off with 185 for your third

>Apparently the maximum weight they had

>You'll make a petition or something for more when you get the chance

>Crank out your final set, to cheers

>Feelin' like a boss

>You step out from under the bar

"You guys done?"

>Magnolia responds

>"Yep! Leg press next!"

>Again, how

>You go to remove your weight from the bar

>Still feeling pumped from all the attention, you remove all the weight from the end at once

>*WHACK*

>Bar to the chin

>The difference in weight on the ends was too much

>You drop the weights on reflex, one of them striking your toes

>You immediately fall to one knee, barely containing the vitriolic stream of curses from flowing out of your mouth

>The room is suddenly chaos

>"Anon hurt himself! Call the nurse!!"

>"Human down!"

>"Did he break his foot?!"

>"That looked so painful! His poor chin!"

>You find yourself on a stretcher, being carried by Brass and another guard before you can even get a handle on what's going on

>A few of the weights club members are running along with you, panicking all the way

 

>Be Brass Badge, sitting outside the nurse's office sometime later

>Most of the members of the weightlifting club are with you, worrying themselves silly

>They don't know Anon like you do

>Certainly, that looked like it really hurt

>But considering what he really is you're sure that he'll be up and walking again before Luna raises the moon

>You can't help but shudder a little bit

>Something like that would normally leave a grown pony bedridden for days

>The nurse, Caring Touch, comes out

>She's a nice young mare. Just a few years out of Canterlot University

>"Overseer, he's ready for visitors."

>A few members of the club make to enter, but you cut them off

"You'll all just make more commotion. Head back to the weight room, I'll be by with an update on how he's feeling."

>There's a bit of discontent, but they give in under your unflinching stare

>Just another skill you've honed over years in the guard

>You turn and head inside, following the nurse

>Part of what you said was true

>The other part was that you knew they'd be freaked out by how well Anon is no doubt taking this

>And as the nurse pulls back the curtain from his bed, you can see that you were right

>"Hey Brass."

"Hey Anon. How do you feel?"

>"Pretty stupid, to hurt myself like that. But fine otherwise."

"Glad to hear, pal. How long until he can be released, Nurse Touch?"

>Caring Touch glances between you and Anon, then speaks

>"May I talk to you privately, Overseer Badge?"

>You don't like when ponies address you like that, it sounds kinda goofy

>But you nod, and follow over to her desk after she redraws the curtain around Anon

>"Sir, what am I dealing with?"

>...oh boy

>"What makes you ask that?"

>"He didn't shed a single tear this whole time, sir. Not one. Tears are perfectly natural and to be expected when somepony goes through something like that, but he... He just asked when he could leave. Polite as you please. He even tried to walk on his injured foot! What is he?"

>You consider your response

 

"He's what's called a human, Nurse. They're incredibly durable by nature. What you just described is normal behavior for him."

>Caring Touch just looks at the floor, mulling over what she just heard

>"Perhaps, but... I'd like to keep him in the infirmary for a day."

>That's not too bad

>You won't get to hang out with Anon for a day, but it'll be alright

"That's fine, Nurse. I'll come by tomorrow to collect him."

>She nods

>"Thank you sir. He's in capable hooves."

>She turns and heads back over towards your charge's bed

>Well, he's technically your charge, but it feels weird to refer to an elder deity as a subordinate figure

>She draws back the curtain

"Hey Anon, the nurse says-"

>"I'm in for the rest of the day, right? The curtain doesn't really shut out noise."

>Well then

"Yep. Don't worry, you'll be brought meals. I'll come by and get you tomorrow morning."

>"Sounds good, Brass. Sorry to worry you. Also, what do you think? About that thing I asked about?"

>...what?

>Oh!

"I think you're right. If we can get Warden to agree, you'll be able to come."

>"Sweet! Can we go ask when I get out?"

"Definitely. Until then, just rest."

>"Will do. See you later!"

"See ya!"

>You depart from the nurse's office

>It'll feel weird to go back to your normal schedule, but it's only for today anyway

>Let's go check up on the on-duty guards!

 

>You've got a set of sore toes, a sore chin, and a bruised ego, so you must be Anon

>It was kind of humiliating to be brought here on a stretcher

>Certainly, you were aware that these ponies had crazy low tolerance for pain from your conversations with Brass, but this was kinda ridiculous

>After Brass left, the nurse spent a while talking to you, saying stuff about how it was okay to cry and you shouldn't try to act tough in front of others

>You just nodded along, and she eventually gave up, accepting that you were fine

>You think

>She left the curtain open when she went back to her desk, and she keeps looking over at you

>Shit's awkward

 

>Eventually, she speaks

>"I'll be stepping out for a moment, Anonymous. Don't try to walk."

>You weren't planning to

"I won't, Nurse Touch."

>She nods approvingly, and leaves

>You lay back in your bed, and start thinking

>You have to come up with a good backstory to tell Luna tonight

>What would be a good "dominion?"

>Currently, you're considered super strong and resistant to magic

>Those don't really lend themselves to any specific thing to have control over...

>Maybe you can say you're a god of conflict or something? That kind of fits

>Maybe offer to beat up some villains while you're here?

>Yeah

>That might work, actually

>"It might, yeah. But there aren't many baddies you can whoop on that would really set you apart, know what I mean?"

>WHAT THE FU-

>You nearly jump out of your skin

"Who said that?!"

>You look around the room, trying to find the source of the voice

>"Why, I'm right here!"

>The speaker appears out of nowhere, floating in midair

>...

>What are you even looking at right now?

>The... thing just smiles

>"You already know who I am, kid! You just don't know that you know. And /I/..."

>He puts his face right in front of yours, and jabs your chest with a single clawed digit

>"...know all about you."

>You already know him?

>How could-

>...Wait

"Are you Discord?"

>Fucking confetti everywhere, all of a sudden

>"Ring-a-ding-ding! Correct! Gotta say, I love the way you've handled things so far. Worming your way into the hearts of both princesses, sowing the seeds of a massive internal conflict the likes of which hasn't been seen since Nightmare Moon's insurrection... And you haven't even been here a week! Ever considered a job in the chaos industry?"

>He hands you a business card

>An actual business card

>It just says:

Discord

Primeval Chaos Spirit

Now available for parties!

>You aren't quite able to express the panic you feel right now

>Internal conflict? Is Celestia going to fight Luna over you?

>And he claims to know /all/ about you

 

>You attempt put up your facade

"I-I'm not certain what you mean about-"

>"Ah-ah-ah. Don't even start. I wasn't kidding. I'm well aware of the extent of your powers..."

>He gives you a little grin as he narrows his eyes

>".../or lack thereof./"

>...Fuck

>FUCK

>Is he going to burn you? Blackmail you into doing something? What's his angle?

>"Hey now, c'mon! I know that came out a little threatening, but you can't just freak out over every little thing. Seriously, you remind me of Twilight Sparkle."

"Who?"

>"Someone who'd be pretty darn keen to meet you, if she knew you were here. Celery and Loony have been keeping you a pretty closely guarded secret, but it's only a matter of time until word gets out."

>He looks around, as if noticing for the first time where it is the both of you are

>"Ah, but this is no place for a good conversation. Here..."

>He snaps his fingers

>"Step into my office!"

>...

>Wat

>Where-

>How-

>Holy shit, just when you thought you were finally getting used to how bizarre this place is

>You have no idea how to describe what's going on around you

>This entire space reminds you of those old drawings of mobius strips and Klein bottles

>It's like an M.C. Escher painting

>You're seated in a chair, in front of a desk behind which sits Discord

>"Much better. Chocolate milk?"

"Uh, sure."

>He snaps his fingers again, and you have something in your hand

>...

>It's chocolate milk, but...

>There's no glass.

>There's space between your fingers and the milk where the glass should be, but it just isn't there

>"Here ya go!"

>He leans forward with a pitcher and pours the glass in around your milk

>...

>Just ask him what he wants, Anon

"So if you know that it's all a lie, what do you want with me?"

>Please don't say it's to expose you

>"You may not be a god, but I need your help anyway, m'boy."

>Phew

>You take a sip of your milk

>Damn, that's delicious!

>Discord continues

 

>"Strange as it sounds, I need you to do something for me. Equestria's got a problem that friendship can't fix."

>Friendship? What?

>Oh

"Are you talking about the Elements of Harmony? The six mares that Celestia sends to do stuff?"

>"Glad you've done your homework. And yes. They won't be able to handle this one alone."

"We've already established that I'm kind of useless, though. And you don't seem to be lacking in the power department yourself. You're pals with them now, right? What do you need me for?"

>Discord chuckles, then elaborates

>"Have you considered /why/ it's so nice here? /Why/ everything's so stinking cuddly and cute, and why armed conflict consists solely of pillow fights and pie-throwing?"

"Because Faust made it that way, right? I've got questions about that, on a side note."

>"Hold your questions 'til the end. And correct. Now, tell me something else. Where do you think all the negative emotions go? Ponies are sapient, just the same as you and I. So why don't they slaughter their fellow equine over silly things the same way your people do?"

>Red flag

>How the fuck does he know that?

"How the hell do you-"

>"Anonymous, please. I am chaos embodied. And what did your science classes tell you about chaos? Perhaps a little more precisely, what /is/ chaos?"

>You are officially freaked out

>Yeah, he said he knew all about you, but this is insane!

"It's... the ability of simple systems without inherently chaotic mechanisms to produce irregular results...?"

>Another crooked smile

>"Correct again, my good bald ape! And since you know that, you must also know that I exist, well, everywhere. Including your home dimension."

>Jesus fucking Christ

>He literally /is/ what you were pretending to be

>You shakily take another drink from your glass

>"Aw, don't be scared. You're gonna have a neat part to play in what's to come. I'd know, I brought you here!"

>Your mind goes blank for a moment

"You what?"

>"I. Brought. You. Here. And I can return you."

>Breath leaves you

 

>You try to open your mouth

>You aren't entirely certain what you were going to say, but it was probably going to involve the word faggot

>When you go to speak, nothing happens

>Something's wrong

>You bring a hand up to your mouth, only to find it isn't there

>You turn and stare at Discord, who merely offers you another fucking creepy-ass smile in return

>"I did that. Don't worry, I'll give it back. But for now, we need to get back on topic and you screaming profanity at me won't help."

>He leans down, bringing his eyes to the level of yours

>"You were brought here because humans have something everything else in this world lacks. The power to destroy. Even the Elements, Celestia's trump card, can't /destroy/ evil. Merely render it temporarily harmless. But it always returns. That's the nature of this place. But what I brought you here to deal with is something that needs your species' particular violent mindset to be brought to an end. You remember what I asked you? About where all the negative emotions go?"

>You nod in response

>"Faust didn't create /everything/ about this world. Some bits just fell into place, filling voids as needed where her designs left off. One of those bits..."

>He snaps his fingers

>"...is this."

>He's showing you an image

>An orb

>It's a violent shade of red, and... pulsing?

>Discord answers your unspoken question

>"/That/ is where it all goes. That sphere is the condensed form of every violent thought, every cruel impulse, and every other truly evil emotion felt by Faust's creations. She didn't create it. It created itself, as a result of her simply wishing for her ponies, and everything else for that matter, to not feel those particular emotions. Normally it isn't a problem. However, emotions are powerful things, here in Equestria. Especially strong ones. And this? This is /millennia/ worth of bad vibes. And now, a baddie's gotten their hooves on it. A baddie I need you to end."

>...so, murder. He wants you to commit murder.

 

>You want your mouth back

>This is so fucking shady you don't even know where to begin

>And why the fuck is he so /calm/ about this?

>He's one of Faust's creations, isn't he? So why isn't he losing his mind over what he just asked you to do?

>And what the fuck makes him think you stand a chance against some super-powered, truly evil monster?

>He continues his explanation

>"You're here because humans have that kind of stuff in them already. She won't be able to twist you like she would any of the natives. And since you break down magic just by touching it, you're aptly suited to destroying her."

>Wait!

>So any human could do this?!

>Why'd he choose you, then?!

>Fuck this

>Celestia's gotta be getting close to finding you a way home, you don't have to-

>Discord interrupts

>"If your hoping Celestia will save you, don't. Even if there was some way she could figure out that I'm the one who brought you here, she couldn't make me return you. No, she'll search a few days more, then call it good and try to convince you to rub her belly again. You are beyond anyone's help but mine, sonny. But hey, you do this right, and I'll send you back to the exact moment you left. Your loved ones will never know you were gone. Or..."

>He leans in further, whispering conspiratorially

>"...maybe I let you stay here, and let you cuddle your moon princess and her horny sister? Luna will eventually forgive Celestia and let her share you if you deal with the orb and its new owner, you know. And then you'll have all the cuddles and belly rubs and hot princess tush you can stand! Eh? Eh?"

>He elbows you a couple times and laughs

>"I'll give you a couple days to make your decision! Although, the only real choice you have is what you get in return. Also, as a token of goodwill, leave that whole thing about Luna wanting to know about your "powers" to me. I'm an even better liar than you are!"

>With one final snaggle-toothed grin, he snaps his fingers, and everything goes white

 

>...

>You're back in the infirmary

>You immediately raise a hand up to your mouth

>Yep, reattached

>So, first and foremost, fuck that nigga

>This has setup written all over it

>You take care of whoever got the orb first, and then he just steps in, ends you, and claims it for himself

>And who even took it? He didn't tell you who you were up against

>He's just toying with you, knowing that you can't afford to say no

>And those rewards...

>Some damn tasty b8, but still b8, m8

>You clench your fists

>You don't have enough information, and you doubt there's much you can do against him, but...

>You'll figure something out

>You can't just let this happen

>You'll have to do some research for now, but what worries you most is what he might say to Luna

>Fuck!

>Everything about this place was warm and snuggly until just now, and you miss your ignorance of Equestria's dark secrets already

>Goddammit...

 

>You are Caring Touch

>And you're on your way back to your office, with a pudding cup and spoon in your mouth

>Anon had to give up the act sometime!

>And when that time came, you'd be ready!

>Armed with pudding and hugs, you'd get him to open up!

>It's only healthy!

>And it's your duty as a nurse to ensure his health!

>Resolute in your purpose, you continue down the hall

>Finally coming to your door, you press an ear to it

>No sound from within

>Is he /still/ putting up his tough front? You were sure he'd break down when he was alone...

>No matter!

>You'll talk to him again, and help him understand

>For a red suit, he wasn't even that scary

>You'll have to check his file to get a better understanding of him

>You knock

"Anonymous, I'm back!"

>You open the door, ready to begin your lecture anew

>But something's wrong

>You don't have a good grasp of hyumin body language, but he looks...

>Upset

>itbegins.jpg

>This is it!!

>You have to restrain yourself from skipping over to him

"Anonymous, are you alright? Do you have anything you'd like to speak to me about?"

 

>His reply is subdued

>"I'm fine, nurse. Just, uh... Just thinking about stuff."

>Oooooh!

>If you can get him to confide in you, you'll be one step closer to fully understanding him!

>Sympathy is a critical part of helping any patient!

"What stuff, Anonymous?"

>"It's... personal. I'd rather not talk about it."

>Awww...

>Well, you only just met him

>You'll have to schedule him an appointment sometime

>Warden will approve!

>He can't keep to himself forever!

>It isn't normal!

>For now, you'll start winning his trust with pudding

"Well, if you say so. Either way, I brought you a treat to help you perk up!"

>Present him the pudding and spoon

>His face lightens a little bit

>"Oh, thanks."

He reaches and gently takes them from your mouth

>...wow, he opened and devoured that in record time...

>Well, his appetite for pudding seems to be healthy!

"Now, Anonymous, I want you to know something. If you ever feel sad or lonely, come here and see me! I'm a licensed therapist too, so you can tell me all about your problems! Talking about your problems is the first step to solving them!"

>Anon's face goes blank for a moment, then breaks into a grin

>"...hm. Yeah. That might work."

>He's seen the light!

>You're so happy right now!

"Do you want to talk about your problems now?!"

>"Yeah! But, uh, I can't. Er, not with you."

>DESPAIR!

>W-why? You brought him pudding!

>He reaches down and-

>Oh

>Ohhhhhhhhhh

>Wh-

>What is-

>What is this sensation?!

>It's like... Elysium behind your ears...

>Ahhhhhhh...

>"I didn't mean anything by it, Nurse Touch. You did an awesome job on making me feel better. It's just I don't think you can help me with this, and I also think that knowing what was going on would just scare you. You're a nice pony, and a great nurse."

>S...So nice...

>Should he really be in prison? He's such a sweetie!

>And whatever he's doing to the back of your ears, you just hope he never stops

>But your hopes are dashed as he withdraws his hand

>Drat... That felt great...

 

>"Nurse Touch-"

"O-Oh, you can just call me Caring, Anon! Er, you can call me Anonymous if I can call you Caring, Anon! Er-"

>Gosh darn it!

>Your brain's all fuzzy!

>He just chuckles

>"I get it, and that's alright with me, Caring. Do you know if I'd be able to get a letter to someone outside the prison?"

>What a silly question! Of course inmates can send letters outside the prison! How else could they stay in contact with their families? Prison would be too much for ponies to handle otherwise!

"Absolutely Anon! I can get you a quill and parchment right now if you want!"

>"I'd appreciate that, Caring. Thanks in advance."

>His hand remains at his side

>Awww...

>Wait

>Maybe he'll do it again if you're really fast getting him his writing stuff?!

"Holdonjustasecond!!"

>You bolt across the room, magically rifling through your desk at the speed of Wonderbolts to get Anon his quill and parchment

>Having the two necessary items in your magical grip, you zip back across your office to the bedridden inmate

"H-Here!"

>He gives the quill an odd look

>Oh!

>Caring Touch, you silly pony! You forgot ink!

>You fly back across your office, seize your bottle of ink, and rush back-

>Ah

>You forgot to put the lid back on...

>Ink

>Ink everywhere

>Including all over poor Anon!

"I'm so sorry! Let me-"

>"It's alright. I'll just-"

>He gets out of bed!

>He can't get out of bed, his foot's still bruised!

>Why can he stand?!

>He peels off the ink-stained upper part of his uniform

>"There. I didn't get much on my pants, so this'll do."

>He wipes his face with the clean part of his shirt, so you get a good view of his torso and arms

>He's clearly in the weights club for a reason

>U-Unf

>Bad! No lewd thought about inmates! They're criminals!

>B-But... Anon's nice... Maybe it was a mistake...?

>You can't just ask somepony - er, somehyumin? - why they're in prison though

>You'll just peek at his file later

 

>You are Anonymous

>And this nurse is great

>She bring you some pudding to cheer you up, and inadvertently advised you on how you're going to deal with Discord

>Dude's clearly setting you up for betrayal

>So you'll betray him first!

>Kinda

>You're just going to send a letter to Celestia

>Discord already told you he was going to speak to Luna, supposedly on your behalf

>You're not sure whether he's going to secretly rat you out, or blow her expectations of you way out of proportion, or what, but you're going to need royal help to deal with what he's trying to get you to do

>Which leaves Luna's older, hornier sister

>You're banking on her still being crazy about you, but you're pretty sure she still is judging from Discord's taunting

>Even if she isn't, she still thinks you're a god, so...

>You press the parchment against your leg, dip the quill, and start writing

>...

>This is kinda difficult...

>The first lines of your letter are ugly as hell

>Well, the piece of parchment's pretty big, so maybe you can just rip it off

>After some repeated folds, a lick, and careful tearing, you have a blank slate

>Restart writing.exe

>Better this time

>As you labor over your letter, you feel the nurse staring at you

>You look over at Caring, only for her to avert her eyes the moment you do

>You focus on your letter again

>Sure enough, you get the feeling again

"If there's something on my face, I'd like to know."

>You crack a little joke, but she just squeaks

>"N-No! I, uh, I just... What are you exactly? The Overseer just told me you were a human, but I've never heard of humans before, so..."

>Overseer

>She called Brass that earlier

>Dude's got a badass job title

"I'm not really surprised you haven't heard of us. I come from a place called Earth. It's really far away."

>She tilts her head

>If you hadn't already seen Luna do it, your heart would have melted a little

>"Why are you in Equestria if your home is so far away? Don't you miss your family?"

 

>Oof

>Right in the repressed homesickness

"Yeah, I do. But I came here for a reason, and I can't go home until I've settled it."

>"What is it?"

>You shoot Caring a grin

"Secret."

>Caring Touch used Pouty Face!

>It's somewhat effective

"I can't tell you the specifics, but someone brought me here to do something. But, when they told me what they wanted me to do... It was bad. I didn't want to do it. But, if I don't take some kind of action, something worse might happen. So like you said, I'm going to talk about it with someone and get help. That's what the letter's for."

>If Discord was telling the truth about that freaky orb, and someone bad really does already have it, the least you can do before you go home is deal with it

>You have no idea how you'll do it, but that's never stopped you before

>You'll beat the mysterious orb thief, then prevent Discord from doing whatever the fuck it is he's trying to set up, then force him to return you

>You owe Discord an ass-kicking anyway

>Doesn't matter if he's a chaos god, he's been beaten twice by six cuddly ponies

>How tough can he be?

>And although a lifetime supply of princess kisses and tight moon-stamped booty sounds absolutely amazing, you have to get home

>Your new friends will be sad, but...

>You can't just abandon your old life

>"Well Anon, I'm glad you have a friend to write to! Who is it?"

>Uh

>Should you tell her? Would she even believe you?

>...Fuck it, you've told enough lies here

>Just tell her

"It's Princess Celestia."

>Her eyes nearly bug out of her head

>"R-Really? You know the Princess?!"

"Yeah. She was interested in humans too, so she came to, uh, visit me. We're friends."

>"Wow, Anon! That's so cool!"

"Heheheh. I know Princess Luna too."

>"BOTH Princesses?! Why are you still in prison then?!"

>She covers her mouth suddenly

>"I-I'm sorry! I didn't mean to pry..."

"It's fine. I'm here because I did something wrong, and my sentence isn't even that long anyway."

 

>You've been working on your letter this whole time, and you think it's ready

"I'm done with my letter, Caring. Where do I take it to get sent?"

>"/You/ aren't taking anything anywhere, mister. You're on bed rest until tomorrow, remember?"

"I remember standing up perfectly earlier."

>She places a hoof on your leg

>Comfort with this situation slightly decreased

>"Anon. I know you're a red suit. I know you have to act tough. And you're very good at it. I'm sure any number of black suits have their eye on you for recruiting. But it's /okay/. I'm here for you. When you're hurt you have to rest!"

>This fucking cute nurse

>You were hoping to weasel your way out of staying here all day, but you can't refuse a cute little speech like that

>Plus, you'd probably just make Brass mad again for going off without him

>Bed rest it is

"Alright. Can you take it for me, then?"

>She beams

>"You betcha! I'll be right back!"

>She levitates your letter, rolls it up, and walks out of the office

>You just kick back and wait

 

>You're Caring Touch

>And your heart is pounding

>He's

>So

>Perfect

>He's friends with the Princesses! And is nice, and good-looking, and probably strong, and is apparently serving a short sentence!

>AND HIS FINGERS

>Uggggghhhhh

>You want them behind your ears again

>A-And maybe on your tummy too...

>200%lewd.jpg

>But you don't care how lewd it is, or how recently you met him

>You're a beautiful young mare only a few years out of nurse school!

>You'll do what you like

>And you like that hyumin

>You skip down the hall to the mail office, deposit Anon's letter, and proceed to skip back towards your little infirmary where your favorite inmate awaits

>You have an entire day with him

>An entire day to get him to touch you again!

>...

>You may need a quick shower first...

>You have your own in the infirmary, although it's also for inmates staying overnight

>Anon will have to use it too...

>You just can't keep your mind out of the gutter after meeting him!

 

>You'll definitely need a cold shower to calm yourself down before you talk to him again

>And then you're going to care for that inmate

>You're gonna care for him so hard

>You make your way back, and Anon's still there

>You half-expected him to be out of bed, just to act tough

>Not that you don't like it when he does that

>Well, you don't, but only because he's risking his health!

>Boo-boos are terrible in general

>And his are /really/ terrible

>His poor foot!

"I'm glad you stayed in bed, Anon. Let me take a quick shower, and then I'll right back with you!"

>"Alright."

>You take the quickest shower of your life

>For one, because you want as much time with Anon as possible

>For two, you came a little /too/ close to rubbing your own belly in the shower, with Anon separated from you only by a wall

>U-Ultra lewd

>Maybe when he leaves...

>You hop out, towel off, don your nurse cap, and walk back out

>Right into Anon

"A-Anon, honestly, I told you-!"

>"I know, I know. I just want to shower too. I didn't get a chance to clean off after weight lifting."

>Oh

>Oh no

>These mental images

>Thank goodness you aren't a pegasi, your wings would be diamonds

"S-Sure! Go ahead! I-I'll grab you another uniform while you're in!"

>"Thanks, Caring. You really live up to your name, huh?"

>He chuckles as he gives one of your ears a quick scratch

>This

>Sweet Celestia, you're addicted to this

>It takes all your willpower not to follow him into the shower

>Once the door closes, you check the supplies cupboard for a spare red minotaur-type uniform

>Found it!

>You set it next to the door to the shower, then move over to Anon's bed

>You magically strip the sheets and blanket, setting them aside and levitating over a new set

>There! Fresh and clean!

>You move the old sheets to the dirty laundry hamper

>He'll totally scratch your ear again for this

>And if not, then you'll just care for him more until he does!

>And maybe make sure he's single while you're at it...

 

>You're bipedal and in the shower, so you're probably Anon

>As great as the hot water feels, you try to keep it quick

>There's a little bar of soap in here that you use

>Squeaky-clean

>Stepping out and toweling off, you peek your head out the door

>Can't see Caring

"Hey Caring? Do you have that spare uniform?"

>"It's by the door!"

>So it is

>You pick it up and bring it back in

>Get dressed

>Check yourself in the mirror

>Not too shabby Anon

>You could do with a shave though

>Maybe you can get some shaving stuff in town if Warden lets you go on that trip

>Considering security is nonexistent here and you're friends with the head guard, you could smuggle it in easily

>You step back out into the infirmary

>Caring's waiting for you

>She...

>Did she change the sheets on your bed?

>Jesus

>This is a dedicated nurse

>You heave yourself up onto your bed

"So what now? Do we just hang out until tomorrow? You don't seem to get too many injured ponies in here."

>She perks up a little at that

>"Oh, we can do whatever you like! I can go grab a board game from the game room if you want, or a book from the library, or-"

>She's really pumped about making you feel at ease

>It strikes you how fucking /dedicated/ most of the ponies you've seen here have been

>Warden always seemed really cheery towards her staff and prisoners

>Brass took his duties as your chaperone seriously even after he realized you didn't really need one

>The members of the cooking and weights clubs both were really into their hobbies

>And now this nurse

>"Anon? What do you think?"

>Ah, shit

>Spaced out

"I'm fine with whatever you'd like to do, Caring."

>Smooth

>She looks excited

>"Let's play a game! Do you like checkers?"

"Yeah!"

>"I'll go get the board, then! Be right back!"

>She runs out of the office

>You feel a little bad about making her run all over the prison, but she's hell-bent on keeping you in bed

>You wait a while, and she eventually returns

>She holds the box in her little magic force-field

 

>She runs over to you, then hesitates

>"Hold on, I'll get a table-"

>Fuck that, she's run around enough already

"Nah, just hop up."

>You pat your legs

>Her eyes widen

>"O-Oh, I couldn't! You're hurt!"

"It's only my foot and chin, and even those don't really hurt unless I put pressure on them. C'mon, take a seat."

>She leaps up like a cat

>These ponies and their weird physiology, man

>She gingerly sets the box on your lap, then lowers herself down on top of your legs

>You open the box and set up the board

"What color do you want?"

>"Y-You can choose!"

>Hm

"I'll go with black, then."

>You divvy up the pieces, line them up, and the game begins

>It's been forever since you last played, but you're fairly confident

>After you've been playing a while, Caring breaks the silence

>"Do you mind if I ask you some personal questions?"

"Go for it."

>"Do you... um... have a... a..."

>Her voice gets really quiet

"A what?"

>"A uh, big family! Yeah. Big family. That's what I meant."

>Cute little word-forgetting pony

>Luna's still your girl, but it doesn't change the fact that this nurse a qt

"Not really. It's just me and my parents. What about you?"

>"I'm the same! Only child high-hoof!"

>She holds up a hoof

>You meet it with a hand, chuckling

>The hours pass just like this, with small talk and checkers

>You weren't sure how you felt about her rubbing a hoof along your leg

>But it as probably just her thinking about her next move

>By dinnertime, you were both sick of checkers

>"I'll go get some food for the both of us, and a new game!"

>She heads out, taking the box with her

>10/10 Nurse of the Year

>She comes back with two trays of food, and a box containing another game

>That force field can apparently carry a lot

>Interesting

>She sets her tray down at her desk, and levitates both the game and your food over to you

>Looks like connect four

>You devour your food, while she takes a little more time with hers

>She jumps right back onto your bed after

>"Want to make a bet?"

 

>You've always been a bit of a gambling man

"What do you have in mind?"

>"For every round I win, you have to..."

>Her face goes a little red

>"Scratch my ears."

>...

>Ooooookay

>That's a little weird

>But you'll roll with it

>You kind of just did it on reflex, since she's small and cute and all

>But she apparently likes it

>No harm, no foul you suppose

"I can do that. And for every round I win..."

>Hmm

>That pudding was pretty great earlier

"For every round I win, you'll sneak me one additional pudding a day for as many days as wins. Fair?"

>She nods eagerly

>"Fair! Y-You'll have to come get the pudding from my office though! It'd be suspicious if other ponies saw me giving it to you!"

>Makes sense

"Sounds good. Let's do this!"

>You set up the little plastic rack and grab your little colored pieces

>You honestly don't care whether you win, as both sides of this bet are a positive for you

>Win, you get pudding

>Lose, you get to scratch Caring's ears

>You think you might even let her win the first game

>You let her go first

>The pieces stack up until, sure enough, it's her win

>"Yes!!"

>She gives a little hoof pump

>You chuckle and move the game out of the way, feigning resignation

"A bet's a bet. C'mere."

>She eagerly scoots forward, the top of her head meeting your waiting hand

>"Aw yeah, right there..."

>She coos softly as you scratch

>...

>This feels kinda dirty

>Is this lewd?

>You read that book on pony physiology pretty carefully, and you don't think this is an erogenous zone

>She's sure enjoying it though...

>Whatever

>She likes it, you like it

>What's the harm?

>You continue your ministrations, moving your hand up one ear and gently rubbing it

>She's squirming around on your lap

>Her back leg's even twitching a little bit

>You continue a little longer, then decide to resume the game

"Alright, that's enough. Let's play some more."

>"B-Buh? Oh, uh, yeah, totally! Let's play more! Hope you like rubbing my ears, because I plan to keep winning~."

 

>The games continue

>You've racked up more bonus puddings than you have actual days left in jail

>You're going to have to claim like three per day or something

>Caring is in a happy daze from all the attention her ears have received

>And is doing that thing where she rubs your leg while thinking about her next move again

>The hours passed quickly, and it's getting close to your preferred hour to pass out

"I think we should call it a night, Caring. I'm kinda tired."

>"Oh, okay! You certainly need your rest, after all."

>She still seems a little sad

>Is her job seriously so boring that the highlight of her day is playing connect four with you?

>...Then again, literally nobody else came in this whole time...

>She cleans up the pieces, putting everything away neatly in the box

>She sets it over on her desk

>You catch a brief glimpse of a pastel glow around the light switch before the lights go out

>You burrow down in your bed, getting nice and cozy

>Even the infirmary beds are decently comfy

>Step up your game, Earth mattress manufacturers

>...

>Wait

>She's still sitting on your legs

"Caring? Where are you going to sleep?"

>"Ah, I uh... I was thinking- I mean, since we're both comfortable- together, maybe...?"

>...

>You gotta draw the line there

>You couldn't face Luna knowing that you let another mare share a bed with you

>You've pushed your luck far enough in this world anyway

"I'm sorry Caring, but a guy and a girl sharing a bed is considered pretty intimate where I'm from, and I've got somebody. I'll have to decline."

>She hurriedly clambers off the bed

>"S-Sorry! I didn't know you were spoken for!"

"Don't worry about it. I'll see you in the morning."

>"Yeah... Goodnight, Anon. Sleep well."

"You too. Goodnight."

>You shut your eyes, content to go see your literal dream girl without another mare in your bed

 

>You've got a pretty serious heart fracture, so you must be Caring Touch

>Of course he's taken

>The good ones always are

>But...

>He didn't seem to mind scratching your ears

>Maybe he'll keep doing it?

>You can only hope

>You don't want to have to kick this addiction the day you got it...

>...

>You hope his special somepony is pretty

>She'd better be

>...what if she isn't?

>Or worse, what if she isn't good for his health?! What if she has bad habits?! She might be the reason why he's in prison!

>You have to find out!

>And if she's no good for him, then...

>You'll convince him! With these feelings!

>You won't give up!

>You didn't quit in nurse school, and you sure won't quit now!

>For him!

>Burning with newfound determination, you move over to the dirty laundry hamper

>You dig Anon's old sheets and blanket out, wrap yourself in them, and take a running leap onto the bed next to his

>You're just doing this because it's too much of a hassle to make up a new bed just for yourself!

>Yeah!

>Nurses don't have ulterior motives!

>L-Like sniffing his blankets because he smells nice!

>Only lewd ponies would do that!

>And you're totally not a lewd pony!

 

>You're a member of the glorious bipedal master race, so you have to be Anon

>...

>Weird

>Why are you dreaming of the infirmary?

>Caring Touch is even here, too, on the bed next to yours

>...?

>Wait

>That's sunlight coming through the window!

>This is real life, African-American! It's morning!

>What happened?

>Why didn't Luna visit you?

>Was it Discord?

>He said he was going to talk to her

>The fucking snake

>There was nothing you could do to prevent it, but still

>If he told her...

>But why? What would he gain from that? That'd just turn you against him and he supposedly needs your help

>...

>Maybe you're just overthinking this?

>Even if she's a princess, she probably can't spend /every/ night in your dreams

>She's probably behind on work or something

>Let's go with that for now

>Still, you're a little sad

 

>You check the clock on the wall

>Breakfast isn't for an hour or so

>You check some cabinets until you find the spare uniforms, then take a quick shower

>Clean as a whistle

>After you get out, you just flop back onto your bed and wait

>Brass said he'd come get you, so you'll just wait here

>It'd be kind of a dick move to leave without saying bye to Caring, too

>Speaking of

>She's waking up

>She pokes her head out of a big pile of blankets, bleary-eyed

"Good morning!"

>She takes a moment to process your greeting

>"Oh! Good morning, Anon! How do you feel?"

"I feel good. My foot and chin both feel fine."

>"Are you sure?"

"Sure I'm sure."

>"Hm... Well, If you think so... You're in the weights club, right? I'd like to at least observe you during club hours, just to be certain."

"If that'll convince you, then okay."

>She climbs down from the bed, and heads for the shower

>"I'm a nurse, Anon! I have to be certain!"

>She mumbles something after that, but you can't make it out, and she shuts the door before you can question

>Probably wasn't important anyway

>You continue chilling on your bed until she comes out of the shower

>"Anonymous, I remembered something."

"What?"

>"You haven't had your physical yet, right? All new inmates require one."

"Nope. Should we schedule one?"

>"Yes! It'd be helpful to get it out of the way quickly! When are you free?"

"Anytime after lunch, pretty much."

>"Okay! I'll get you written in, here..."

>She heads over to her desk

>"Tomorrow, then?"

"That works."

>A knock at the door

>Caring responds

>Come in!

>In walks the big, bad head guard himself

>You crack a smile

"Hey Brass. I'm healed."

>He smiles right back

>"Somehow I knew you would be. Thank you for looking after him, Nurse Touch."

>"Of course, Overseer. It's my job. Although, as I discussed with Anon, I'd like to observe him during club activities just to make sure."

>Brass glances at you

>You nod

>"Well, I don't see a problem with that, Nurse. We'll see you there."

 

>You and Brass leave the clinic, headed for the cafeteria

>"How was your night in the infirmary? Personally, I can't stand being bedridden."

"It wasn't that bad. It was fun, actually. Caring thinks I'm pretty awesome. We talked and played board games all night."

>You also think she may have been coming on to you, but you aren't sure

>If the sisters are anything to go off of, ponies are pretty direct

>Whatever

>She knows you've got interest in someone else, so it shouldn't be an issue

>Hit the cafeteria, acquire edible substances

>You and Brass claim your usual table

"So how was your day off from following me around Brass?"

>"It was kinda nice. I'll admit I kind of missed watching all the chaos that happens with you around, but I got to check on the guards that brought you in. They're feeling better."

"That's good. They, uh... Are there any hard feelings about that, by the way?"

>"They're pretty scared of you, Anon. I wouldn't worry about any rude behavior coming from them."

>Brass leans in, shielding his mouth with a hoof

>"Between you and me, a lot of the low-level guards here are weenies."

"Yeah? How'd they even get the job?"

>"Sometimes a pony just falls on hard times. Warden takes them in just because she's a kind soul, but I'm the one who has to make them into prison guards. At first, most of them can't even stand to look at the red and black suits, much less break up a scuffle."

>Brass shakes his head

>"All my best guards handle the black suits and their gangs. I got one mare, Cookies n' Cream, who can handle anything, but she's just one mare. It's situations like this where I miss being in the guard. At least everyone there was capable."

"Why even leave then? I get that you got tired, but couldn't you have just sought a managerial position or something? If Celestia personally chose you to keep tabs on me, she must think you're pretty capable. You could've landed a cushy gig."

>Brass is silent for a moment, eyes falling to the table

 

>"It... just wasn't for me anymore."

>...something happened

>You can tell that much

>But if your quadrupedal bro doesn't feel like talking about it, you aren't gonna pry

"Fair enough. You wanna lift with us this afternoon?"

>Brass looks up at you, blinking

>"Really?"

"Of course, man. It sucks that you have to just hang out and watch. Let's lift some heavy stuff together."

>Brass grins

>"Sounds good to me."

>Internal fist pump

>Gonna get swole with guardbro

>"Anonymous!"

>You turn your head to see Warden rush up to your table, breathing rapidly

>"I herd that you spent yesterday in the infirmary! What happened?"

"You heard right. It was a weight room accident. I'm fine, though."

>"Are you sure? Nurse Touch reported that you were struck on the chin and foot!"

"Warden, it's okay. I promise. I just made a silly mistake."

>She stares at you for a moment before replying

>"...If you say so, Anonymous. Just be careful."

"I will, ma'am. Thanks."

>Warden smiles

>"Such a polite prisoner! I'm proud of you, Anonymous. You've come so far in such a short time!"

>OH!

>That reminds you

"Warden, is good behavior enough to get permission to go on the field trip to..."

>Shit, what's this city's name again?

>It's some kind of pun...

>"Canterlot. Anon's hoping to go along on the trip into Canterlot, Warden."

>Brass picks up where you left off

>Warden puts a hoof up to her chin in consideration

>"Hmmm... I don't see why not. I think it'll be a good thing for the citizens to see a reformed high-level inmate. I'll add you to the list, Anonymous!"

>Fuckin' sweet!

"Thanks Warden!"

>"No need for thanks, Anonymous. You've earned it!"

>Warden says her goodbyes to you and Brass shortly after, heading out of the cafeteria

>You and Brass focus on your food, but you still hear snatches of conversation from the tables around you