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A Month in Jail for Wearing Socks Part 1

By PhysicsAnon
Created: 12th November 2020 10:59:00 PM
1st December 2022 10:54:29 PM

  1. >Be Anon
  2. >Freshly arrived in Ponyland
  3. >And you are being carted to jail for what was apparently public indecency whilst in the presence of royalty
  4. >Why these little colorful horses consider wearing socks in public to be indecent is beyond you
  5. >The royalty in question wasn't exactly complaining either
  6. >You glance out the window of the carriage they've got you in and see a structure that looks vaguely like your old middle school
  7. >Surrounded with tall fence
  8. >Well, tall for them at least
  9. >The carriage passes through a gate and approaches the building
  10. >...wait, is this-?
  11. >"On your feet, criminal!"
  12. >The guard who'd been riding with you had been doing his best to be as far from you as possible
  13. >They considered you a perv
  14. >Can't say you'd blame them, considering you essentially appeared out of nowhere in the middle of their seat of government wearing what was, in their culture, essentially women's lingerie
  15. >Still, he could tone down the attitude
  16. >It's not like you knew
  17. >You you get out of the carriage and check out your surroundings
  18. >Yep, looks exactly like a middle school
  19. >"Get moving, creep!"
  20. >The guard pushes the back of your leg in an attempt to get you mobile
  21. >You whip your head around and glower at him
  22. "Fuck off, man. This is bullshit! Socks are perfectly normal to wear where I'm from!"
  23. >The guard freezes
  24. >Shit
  25. >You said too much
  26. >Well, here comes the first ass-kicking of your prison career
  27. >The guard starts crying
  28. >Wait, wat
  30. >The guard's just staring up at you with tears in his eyes, sniffling
  31. >"YOU MONSTER!"
  32. >You turn, to see one of the horses pulling the coach angrily pointing at you
  33. >"How could say such mean things?! You're going away for a long time!"
  34. >...
  35. >You subdued a prison guard
  36. >With rude words
  37. >Fuck this place, logic isn't a thing here
  38. >While your brain was rendered inactive out of the sheer absurdity, a bunch of other guards had emerged from the building
  39. >[Collective horse gasp]
  40. >"What'd you do, you big ugly monkey?!"
  41. >Ho fuck no
  42. >You ain't about to take that from some punkass little horse
  43. "I told him how /fucking/ stupid this whole situation is! I'm wearing socks because my feet get cold without them, not because I'm perverted! In fact, you assholes are the perverts, getting turned on by socks!"
  44. >You're being a hypocrite, you love girls in knee socks
  45. >Still, all you had on were normal ones
  46. >These horses were definitely the ones in the wrong here
  47. >Speaking of, they're reeling from your little tirade
  48. >"S-so foul mouthed! Restrain him! Bring him in for processing!"
  49. >You utter the time-honored battle cry of angry 20-something men
  50. "COME AT ME BRO!"
  51. >Unfortunately for the little weenie horses, you lift
  52. >You bowl through the little group like ninepins, shrugging off the couple that clung to you
  53. >...
  54. >Isn't this going a little too well? How are they able to restrain their prisoners if they can't even-
  55. >ZAP
  56. >You hit the ground like a sack of potatoes, unable to move
  57. >What just happened?
  58. >Why are you paralyzed?
  59. >"Is everypony alright?"
  60. >"Warden! Thank goodness! We've got a nasty one here."
  62. >Be Warden Sharp
  63. >You were never sure why your parents named you that
  64. >But boy, does it fit your job!
  65. >You were in charge of the most secure prison in the Canterlot area, tasked with rehabilitating the hardest criminals in Equestria
  66. >And you loved it!
  67. >You believed everyone can make friends
  68. >Even this new inmate
  69. >Certainly, his crimes were rather icky, and his show of violence towards the guards was scary, but that's why you're here! To help him onto the right path!
  70. "Are we all alright, gentlecolts? He really put a thumping on you!"
  71. >Key Ring salutes
  72. >"Afraid not, ma'am. We've got some boo-boos."
  73. "Oh no!"
  74. >He gestures to a few crying guards, being comforted by their friends
  75. "Get them to the infirmary! We'll handle the inmate."
  76. >The officer taps your shoulder, leaning in to whisper
  77. >"This one's the nastiest I've ever seen, Miss Warden. I don't think he should be around the other inmates."
  78. "Nonsense! Anypony can be reformed, Key Ring! We just have to remember the teachings of our... princesses..."
  79. >You trail off as you notice Key Ring staring at something behind you, mouth agape
  81. >Be Anon, a few moments earlier
  82. >You've regained some control of your body, but what just happened?
  83. >You'd assumed you'd been hit with a taser or something, but it didn't hurt
  84. >So what was it?
  85. >You slowly climb to your feet, shaking off some grogginess and becoming aware of someone talking behind you
  86. >You turn to see one of the guards you thrashed earlier and a unicorn
  87. >Still not as weird as those giant white and blue ones you saw earlier, but still weird
  88. >The guard's just staring at you
  89. >"Nonsense! Anyone can be reformed, Key Ring! We just have to remember the teachings of our... princesses..."
  90. >She trails off as she realizes that he isn't listening, and turns to face you
  91. >Her jaw drops
  92. >"You...wha...how..."
  93. "What'd you just hit me with?"
  95. >The little horned horse squeaks in response
  96. >"M-magic?"
  97. >Magic?
  98. >Seriously?
  99. >A bold-faced lie if you've ever heard one
  100. >Makes sense though
  101. >Like hell they're going to tell you how they subdue you
  102. >Guess it'd be better to cooperate for now
  103. >Don't wanna start shit if they've got some weird, painless stun gun that can put you on your ass instantly
  104. >...that's not much of a deterrent, actually.
  105. >"How are you standing?"
  106. >Oh
  107. >She's recovered from her spaghetti fit
  108. "I used my arms and legs to lift myself off the ground?"
  109. >"But I hit you with a full-powered stun spell! You should be immobilized for an hour!"
  110. >Huh
  111. >She's claiming it's magic again
  112. >Is she telling the truth?
  113. >You've seen some weird things in your short tenure in this place
  114. >Pegasi
  115. >Unicorns
  116. >Strange, giant combinations of the two that looked at you with expressions that had a little too much /desire/ in them for your comfort
  117. >Maybe she isn't lying
  118. >And if they really do have magic...
  119. >It'd probably be best to play along, for now
  120. "Uh, look. I'm sorry for beating up the guards. I was mad. I'm not a pervert or anything. Socks are what my kind wear to keep our feet warm, rather than intimate clothing."
  121. >She looks encouraged now that you've cooled down some
  122. >"Pardon me, but what are you anyway? I've never seen something like you before!"
  123. "I'm a human."
  125. >Be Warden Sharp
  126. >This is so exciting!
  127. >You KNEW anyone could be reformed!
  128. >And he's a species you've never heard of!
  129. >Freaky resistance to magic aside, all it took for the new inmate was some polite conversation!
  130. >Leaving a still-gawking Key Ring behind, you lead your new prisoner into the complex
  132. "I'm so sorry! I haven't even asked your name yet!"
  133. >"Oh, it's no problem. I'm Anonymous. But you can call me Anon."
  134. >INTERNAL GASP x2
  135. >He's letting you call him by nickname already?! So friendly!
  136. "It's a pleasure to meet you, Anon! I'm Warden Sharp! You can just call me Warden!"
  137. >"Alright."
  138. >This is going swimmingly!
  140. >Be Anon
  141. >Warden's alright
  142. >A little unnaturally bouncy, but she's a decent sort.
  143. "So, uh..."
  144. >"Yes?"
  145. >She looks really eager to help
  146. >You feel a little more hopeful about this whole prison thing
  147. "Now that I've explained the whole sock thing, can I get my sentence shortened? How long am I in for, anyway?"
  148. >Warden looks sad now
  149. >"I'm sorry Anon. You were personally sentenced by the Princesses, and when you add on assaulting guardsponies to that..."
  150. >OH SHIT
  151. >She's right! You fucked up!
  152. >You brace yourself
  153. >This number isn't going to be pretty
  154. >"I'm afraid you're in for four weeks..."
  155. >...
  156. "But that's, like, a month..."
  157. >She looks teary-eyed
  158. >"I know! And to think it's all the result of a misunderstanding! I'm so sorry Anon!"
  159. >Are you missing something here?
  160. >She's crying like you got the death penalty or something
  161. "Hey, Warden, c'mon. It's just a month. I don't see wha-"
  162. >"JUST a month?!"
  163. >She's looking at you all wide-eyed
  164. >"Anon, that's one of the longest sentences we've had in recent years! Normal ponies can't make it that long!"
  165. >What?
  166. >It's THAT bad in there?
  167. >Is the outside just a facade?
  168. >You're getting nervous again
  169. >The little stun magic or whatever had brought you out of your little anger fit, but you can feel panic starting to build up inside of you
  170. >What exactly goes on in there...?
  172. >Since you're the only one around here wearing socks, you must still be Anon
  173. >And so far, nothing about this prison backs up your fears
  174. >Everything's just so...
  175. >Happy
  176. >By your standards at least
  177. >Warden's been acting as if this is all deadly serious, and seems like she's expecting you to be intimidated
  178. >But they have a pool! And clubs!
  179. >How are you supposed to take this seriously?
  180. >This isn't a prison, it's a luxury hotel crossed with a summer camp
  181. >A luxury hotel that you are officially government-mandated to stay in for a month
  182. >Sweet
  183. >"And this is your room!"
  184. >Warden's voice snaps you out of your thoughts
  185. >She opens the door and leads you inside
  186. >Wait
  187. >She just opened it? No key or anything?
  188. >Fucking horseland
  189. >No wonder the guards were a joke
  190. >Their criminals must be even more pathetic if they can't bust out of a place like this
  191. >Speaking of
  192. >It's fucking nice
  193. >The bed is huge, and the whole room is well-furnished
  194. >Beats the hell out of your apartment back home
  195. >Why would you even /want/ to escape?
  196. >"What do you think?"
  197. >Warden looks up at you expectantly
  198. "It's really nice! Even better than my old place. Thanks for showing me around, Warden."
  199. >She looks a little taken aback
  200. >"C-certainly, Anon. Now, dinner starts in a couple hours, so I'll have a guard come get you when it's time."
  201. "Cool. Have a good one, Warden."
  203. >You are Warden Sharp
  204. >Poor Anon...
  205. >He put up a brave face when you told him his sentence, but you saw right through him
  206. >He didn't say word all through the tour, just stared around like he couldn't believe what was happening
  207. >You couldn't either!
  208. >Four weeks!
  209. >He'll need someone to help him through this
  210. >And although you'll be busy, you have the next-best candidate in mind...
  212. >Back to being Anon the human, checking out your new digs
  213. >Your initial suspicions of them being far superior to your old ones are confirmed
  214. >You had your own bathroom!
  215. >And a huge bed!
  216. >And storage space, for some reason.
  217. >Now that you've got a moment to yourself, you reach into your pocket and pull out your phone
  218. >Looks like it survived whatever space/time phenomenon brought you here
  219. >Still got your wallet and keys, too, but those won't have much use now
  220. >You stow them in a little bedside drawer
  221. >Warden Sharp said you had time to burn, so you figure you'll just nap
  222. >You can see if there's any interesting clubs to join tomorrow
  223. >You set a timer on your phone, and then flop onto the bed
  224. >yaranaikaface.jpeg
  225. >This bed
  226. >This fucking bed
  227. >How can it be this comfy
  228. >You sink into the mattress, your consciousness already slipping...
  230. >Wake up with a start
  231. >...you're back in your apartment.
  232. >You can't help but chuckle
  233. >Talking, magical horses?
  234. >College must really be fucking with you if you're having acid dreams without any acid
  235. >You reach for your phone to check the time
  236. >But you falter
  237. >You can't quite put your finger on it, but something feels off
  238. >You sit and listen, hearing nothing
  239. >That's when it hits you
  240. >That's what's off
  241. >The pure, abject silence
  242. >It should be a weekday
  243. >And yet there's none of the usual weekday noise
  244. >No noise from your roommate getting ready
  245. >No noise from passing cars
  246. >You're getting freaked out
  247. "Emil?"
  248. >You call your roommate's name
  249. >You hear a giggle in response
  250. >A feminine giggle
  251. "Who's out there?"
  252. >You get up, throwing the door open and rushing into the common room of the apartment
  253. >Everything is in place
  254. >Except for a big blue horse sitting in your armchair
  255. "You? How are you here? This is-"
  256. >"A dream, fair one."
  257. >The entire chair floats and rotates, bringing her face-to-face with you
  258. >"We simply could not wait for our sister to organize an audience, and thus we decided to visit thee ourself. Is this your old dwelling?"
  259. >She looks all around your living room
  260. >"Such a cramped space!"
  261. >Oi
  262. >It wasn't a the nicest apartment, but it was yours
  263. >You bite back your indignation
  264. "What do you mean, this is a dream? Aren't YOU a dream!?"
  265. >She giggles again
  266. >"My, flattery? Fear not. Thou have no need of it with us~"
  267. >That wasn't a-
  268. >Argh
  269. >Whatever
  270. >Let's just get a handle on what's happening
  271. "So, if this is my dream, how are you in it? And why are you speaking like that?"
  272. >She drops the bedroom eyes for a moment
  273. >"We are the Princess of Night! Dreams are our domain! And, er, pardon my speech. Force of habit."
  274. >She turns a little red
  275. >...kinda cute
  276. >No! Don't get distracted! She's literally inside your head right now!
  278. >Her bedroom eyes return full force
  279. >"You find me cute? The feeling is very much mutual. Come closer..."
  280. >Dammit, she can hear your thoughts!
  281. >Makes sense in a weird way. This /is/ all in your head.
  282. >You also feel a compulsion to approach her, but you stand your ground
  283. >Her eyes widen
  284. >"A powerful dreamer to boot? If there was any doubt before, there is no longer! You shall be mine, before sister can lay claim!"
  285. >She makes a lunge
  286. >nope.avi
  287. >You duck and roll out of the way, sprinting out of the door that formerly lead onto the back porch of your apartment
  288. >You hop the little enclosure and book your shit out of the complex, blue dream horse hot on your heels
  289. >"Halt! Do not resist! We promise you will enjoy this!"
  290. >C'mon, dammit! This is your dream! So why can't you fly or some shi-
  291. >You suddenly lift off into the air
  292. "HELL YEAH!"
  293. >You zoom off into the air, leaving the ground and your creepy dream stalker behind
  294. >*Flap flap*
  295. >...
  296. >Spoke too soon
  297. >"I can see your socks~"
  298. >She caught up already?!
  299. >She latches onto you midair
  300. >How can she hold you without any hands?!
  301. >How is any of this happening?!
  302. >WHY is any of this happening?!
  303. >"Magic, magic, and my attraction to you!"
  305. >"Give in to my affections! You need not live in squalor any longer!"
  306. >You try to break out of her grip, but she's surprisingly strong
  307. >Only one thing for it...
  308. >You twist around
  309. >And start tickling her belly
  310. >"EEEEK?! Hahahahaha n-no! Cease this!"
  311. >You don't
  312. >If anything, you redouble your efforts
  313. >She's giggling and squealing like a little kid
  314. >You've got her now!
  315. >"H-ha-ahahahaha!! N-n-n-nooo, please, I'm going to wake u-!"
  316. >Bolt upright
  317. >...
  318. >You're back in your orgasmic bed in your cell
  319. >What the hell was that?
  321. >You get up off your bed, checking your phone
  322. >You still had about half an hour left
  323. >You decide to just try your best to forget about what just happened in dreamland
  324. >If what she said was true, then there wasn't much you could do about it anyway
  325. >You love sleep too much to give it up, and she's a princess
  326. >Beside, you handled yourself pretty well in the dream. If she comes back, you'll be ready
  327. >She called you a "powerful dreamer"
  328. >Maybe you'll conjure up something a little more helpful than flight powers next time
  329. >Like some T-60 power armor and a minigun
  330. >Fuck yeah
  331. >You kinda hope she does come back now
  332. >You fire up some games on your phone, wasting time until you hear a knock at the door
  333. "Come in!"
  334. >You put your phone away
  335. >They might take it for research or something
  336. >In walks a male guardspony
  337. >"Hello, inmate Anonymous. My name's Brass Badge. The warden appointed me to be your chaperone."
  338. >He's pretty gruff-looking, but he speaks politely enough.
  339. >He's got some sick mutton chops going on too
  340. >Reminds you of Jet from Bebop
  341. "Nice to meet you Brass Badge. Why do I need a chaperone though?"
  342. >"Warden says you're a good guy who's just misunderstood. My purpose is to both observe you and see if that's true, and to help you acclimate to your new circumstances."
  343. >Warden's already looking out for you? Nice!
  344. >You knew she was cool
  345. "Sounds good, man. So, dinnertime?"
  346. >He nods
  347. >"Yep. Let's walk and talk."
  348. >The pair of you leave your room and head down the hall
  349. >"Now, Warden tells me you're a human. I like to think I've been around, but I don't think I've ever seen your sort before. Where do you call home?"
  350. >Huh
  351. >Where IS Earth from here?
  352. >...you doubt it's even the same dimension
  353. "Well... It's a place called Earth. It's a ways away. Not sure exactly how far. But it's pretty decent."
  355. >Brass Badge just nods
  356. >"Your folk got any relation to minotaurs? You look awfully similar."
  357. "Not in terms of genetics, no. But back home, there's a famous story of a human who beat a minotaur in a fight."
  358. >His eyebrows shoot up
  359. >"Is that right? That'd be a heck of an achievement! They're a tough bunch. Sound like you humans are too."
  360. >You chuckle
  361. "Yeah. I'm pretty tough myself."
  362. >By human standards
  363. >You're pretty sure you're Superman by pony standards, but you'll test that later
  364. >Brass Badge leads you through a propped-open door, and into a large cafeteria
  365. >There's a whole lot of horses in here
  366. >And...
  367. >...Sphinxes?
  368. >Nah, not sphinxes, it's similar though
  369. >Griffons!
  370. >There it is
  371. >There's a few of those. They have their own little group in the corner.
  372. >And all eyes are on you
  373. >"...that's him..."
  374. >"...whole group of guards..."
  375. >You only catch vague snatches of conversation, but it's enough.
  376. >You've already got a rep
  377. >Neat
  378. >"Don't mind it, Anonymous. This way."
  379. >Your chaperone leads you to the food line
  380. >It's a buffet
  381. >In prison
  382. >It's so strange to you, but at this point, you're kinda starting to love it
  383. >You load up on food while Brass Badge does the same, and then find a table
  384. >"So, Anon - you mind if I call you that? Your full title's a bit long."
  385. "Sure. Can I call you Brass?"
  386. >"Sure. Now, I'd kinda like to discuss your crimes a bit."
  387. >Here we go
  388. >"Mind telling me what you were doing in the middle of Day Court, wearing socks of all things?"
  389. >It's always about the socks
  390. >Why didn't he ask about you beating up the other guards? At least that one's badass
  391. "Look, like I told Warden, they're normal clothing for humans. and I'm not even sure how I wound up in Day Court in the first place. I didn't mean to break any laws, and I'm /definitely/ not some weirdo trying to make people uncomfortable."
  392. >He considers your words
  393. >"Fair enough. And you really don't remember how you got there?"
  394. "Not a bit. Hanging out at home one minute, there the next."
  396. >Brass scrunches his face up
  397. >You shouldn't find that cute, but you kinda do
  398. >"Sounds like magic was involved... But if that's true, then the Princesses will surely help you once your sentence is up."
  399. >Right
  400. >The princesses
  401. "I've been meaning to ask about them. I... heard one of them can control dreams or something. Is that true?"
  402. >"Yeah. That'd be Princess Luna."
  403. >Luna
  404. >Yep
  405. >That's the same one that tried to "claim" you during your nap
  406. >"And the other one? And what about their parents? King or Queen around?"
  407. >"Princess Celestia is the other princess. You likely saw her when you were apprehended at Day Court. As for their parents, it's been millennia since the King and Queen ascended. Why?"
  408. >Back the fuck up
  409. >/Millennia/?
  410. "...you're messing with me, right?"
  411. >"Nope. The princesses have been around for a looooong time, and they'll be here a while longer too. Surprised you don't know. Earth must be pretty secluded!"
  412. "You could say that, yeah."
  413. >Brass doesn't question any further, and you both just focus on finishing your food
  414. >You both get your dishes in the dirty bin and head back to your cell
  415. >You give Brass a pat on the back as you move to open the door
  416. "Thanks for the talk, Brass. Looking forward to working with you."
  417. >...he's looking at you funny
  418. >"Anon... I'm flattered, but we just met. Plus, I don't swing that way."
  419. >What the flying fu-
  420. >You just patted him on the back!
  421. "I'm sorry, /what/?"
  422. >He keeps looking at you incredulously for a few seconds
  423. >Then something dawns on him
  424. >"Wait, what does a pat on the back mean in human culture?"
  425. "It's like... a gesture of friendship. But it can be for encouragement or congratulations too. Why? What does it mean for you?"
  426. >Brass chuckles
  427. >"Touching a pony's back below the shoulders is... flirty. Miiiiighty flirty."
  428. >Oh god
  429. "No homo!"
  430. >You're safe now
  431. >Brass just laughs
  432. >"Just be mindful in the future, eh? Also, you got a minute?"
  434. "Dude, I'm in prison. Time's all I got left."
  435. >You left out the "in another dimension" part
  436. >He doesn't need to know
  437. >Brass opens the door and walks into your room, taking a seat at a small table
  438. >"Warden tells me you're pretty darn strong. Wanna try and back it up?"
  439. >Hell yeah
  440. "Always. What's the challenge?"
  441. >He rests a foreleg on the table, in the unmistakable posture for arm-wrestling
  442. >"The oldest challenge there is."
  443. >One
  444. >You're pretty fucking sure horse skeletons aren't meant to bend like that
  445. >Two
  446. >You beat the stuffing out of a bunch of his coworkers earlier today and he's fronting up on you like he thinks he's got a shot?
  447. >This little horse has some cojones
  448. >You can respect that
  449. >You throw a competitive grin his way as you take an opposing seat
  450. "You're on. Just don't cry when you lose, okay? I'd feel bad."
  451. >"Ha! Let's do it!"
  452. >You enclose his hoof in your fist
  453. >His hoof also bends slightly around your fingers
  454. >Shit's weird man
  455. "Count us off."
  456. >"3!"
  457. >"2!"
  458. >"1!"
  459. >"GO!"
  460. >Brass gives a mighty pull
  461. >And your arm doesn't even budge
  462. >You figured this would happen
  463. >Well, he's a cool guy, so you'll let him down gently
  464. >Your arm begins its unstoppable trek to the surface of the table, Brass' hoof beneath it the whole way
  465. >He's puffing and wheezing like a smoker, trying to put more strength into his hoof
  466. >No dice
  467. >You drive it home with a resounding "thunk"
  468. >And shoot him your best shit-eating grin
  469. "Best 2 out of 3?"
  470. >He shakes his head, still breathing hard
  471. >"Sheesh! That's my first loss in years! And you're something else! Count me out of the rematch."
  472. >Victory is sweet
  473. >Even when it's hella easy
  474. >You refrain from saying that out loud, though
  475. "Hey, Brass, thanks again. I'll tell the Warden you're doing a hell of a job getting me acclimated next time I see her."
  476. >He looks at you curiously
  477. >"What's that word mean? Hell?"
  478. >Ah, you forgot
  479. "Uh, it's a human word. When someone does something really well, they did a hell of a job."
  481. >He doesn't need to know the other definition
  482. >There's a lot of stuff about your world that these colorful little horses don't need to know
  483. >"Well, then, since I know when I'm beaten, I'll leave you be for the night, Anon. Whew..."
  484. >You're about to bid him goodnight, when you realize
  485. >If touching a horse's lower back is lewd
  486. >What about their belly...?
  487. >The dream with Luna runs through your mind
  488. >Better ask to be sure
  489. "Hey, Brass. One last thing. Is there any other place I shouldn't be touching horses?"
  490. >He turns back from the door
  491. >"Ponies. We're ponies, Anon."
  492. >Same damn thing
  493. "Yeah, fine. Any other places that are off-limits?"
  494. >He puts a hoof to his chin
  495. >"Flank, obviously. And some ponies don't like the bottom of their hooves touched. Withers are usually alright, but it's kinda circumstantial. Nose, for certain. Oh, and belly. Deeeeeeeefinitely the belly."
  496. >Uh-oh
  497. "Why? What's so important about the belly?"
  498. >Brass raises an eyebrow at you for a moment, then remembers you're not from around here
  499. >"Well... It's highly sensitive. Ticklish. And ponies kinda... Feel really good when it's touched. Like, /really/ good, Anon. If you touch a pony on their tummy it should only be because you care about 'em. And with that, goodnight!"
  500. >Brass leaves
  501. >You're frozen in place
  502. >During your dream
  503. >You tickled Luna's belly
  504. >She was squealing
  505. >A lot
  506. >And she woke up from it
  507. >What if it wasn't because of the laughter
  508. >What if it was because you made her c-
  509. >NO!
  510. >BRAIN?!
  512. >You run into the bathroom, hoping there's enough hot water in the sink to make your hands feel clean again
  514. >You are Brass Badge
  515. >Former Solar Guard, and current head of prison security
  516. >And you are very concerned about this new inmate
  517. >When you received a missive from Princess Celestia about the new inmate, with a personal request to observe him, you knew he was going to be serious business
  518. >The Sun Princess does not call in favors lightly, and she trusted you to carry out this task
  519. >You'd believed it would be simple
  520. >You saw some serious business in your days in the Solar Guard
  521. >Border skirmishes with buffalo
  522. >Rescue operations into changeling hives
  523. >You'd even fought against the minions of Nightmare Moon during her short-lived return, before Princess Luna was returned to her senses
  524. >So many tears
  525. >So many boo-boos
  526. >You'd thought yourself hardened against anything
  527. >Yet this... this "human"...
  528. >You didn't believe Warden when she told you about the incident with the guards
  529. >You didn't believe that he could take a fully-charged stun spell and get right back up
  530. >And you played off his boast about one of his people besting a minotaur
  531. >Until you felt that horrific strength for yourself
  532. >You are by no means a weak pony
  533. >But your hoof is still shaking from strain
  534. >And he showed no visible effort in trouncing you
  535. >And he has magic resistance atop that?
  536. >You had barely managed to keep your composure as you left, answering his final questions quickly
  537. >You had to report this
  538. >Her Highness had to know Anonymous was a disaster waiting to happen
  539. >If another inmate set him off, or if he up and decided that he didn't want to serve his sentence, you wouldn't be able to do a darn thing to stop him!
  540. >You gallop back to your office
  541. >She'd be here soon, she wanted to hear your report in person
  542. >You shove the door open, just as the room was filled with a blinding flash of sunlight
  543. >Her Royal Highness Celestia, Bringer of Dawn, gazed down at you.
  544. >"Good evening, Brass Badge. Your report?"
  545. >You take a moment to catch your breath
  547. "Your Majesty... After spending an evening observing the human and gauging his demeanor, I have reached my conclusion. He isn't safe to contain. Not here. He got into an altercation with the guards out of sheer anger the moment he set foot out of the carriage, and did not cease until Warden Sharp attempted to pacify him with a stun spell. The stun spell, according to Warden, was fully charged, and yet the inmate was only subdued for a matter of seconds. Not an hour. Not minutes. Seconds. I took the liberty of attempting to assess his physical strength as well. It was... I've never felt so helpless, and he was using only /one limb/. He's the closest thing I've seen to a sapient monster, and he cannot be contained here. We simply don't have the resources to-"
  548. >"Is his demeanor violent?"
  549. >The princess cuts you off midstream
  550. "As reported, he attacked the guards-"
  551. >"When he was angry, correct? And when he calmed himself, did he still show violent tendencies?"
  552. "...no, ma'am."
  553. >"Did you learn the cause for his wrath?"
  554. "Socks are apparently normal attire for him and his folk. Taking that into account... I don't think he'd much care for the guards' usual treatment of creeps."
  555. >Creep, of course, being the legal term for ponies, or in this case humans, who do creepy things
  556. >Like wear socks in public
  557. >L-lewd
  558. >"And how did he act towards you? You met him hours after the incident, yes?"
  559. "Correct, ma'am. He was... calm. Surprisingly so. Most first-time offenders are nervous wrecks when they arrive in prison, and yet... He wasn't. It was as if he weren't intimidated in the slightest by the idea of spending four weeks in the slammer."
  560. >The princess' eyebrows rise
  561. >"Four weeks? I believe I ordered him detained only until order was restored in the court?"
  562. "Additional time for assaulting prison staff and foul language, your highness."
  563. >"Hm... That will have to be remedied, and soon."
  564. "Y-your highness?"
  565. >What could she mean?
  567. >"I wish to meet him. Did he name himself?"
  568. "Y-yes, his name's Anonymous, but-"
  569. >"Anonymous..."
  570. >The princess rolls the name off her tongue, as if enjoying the sound of it
  571. "Your majesty, are you certain of this?"
  572. >"Yes. You said yourself the he is not inherently violent. You enjoyed your time with him, didn't you? Before he frightened you?"
  573. >...yeah
  574. >He was pretty nice, actually
  575. >Some inmates can be real jerks to the guards
  576. >Tripping them in the halls
  577. >Shooting spitballs at them
  578. >Rude messages scrawled on the door to the guard's lounge
  579. >All terrors prison guards had to learn to deal with
  580. >None of it from Anon
  581. >Granted, he hadn't really been here long enough to cause much mayhem, but...
  582. >You just didn't get the feeling he'd do something like that
  583. "You're right, Princess. I... got ahead of myself. I should apologize!"
  584. >Princess Celestia smiles
  585. >"We can go see him together, then."
  586. >You nod, leading the Princess back towards Anon's cell
  587. >Hopefully he isn't asleep already!
  588. >Wait
  589. >You still have a couple questions
  590. >As you walk, you turn to the princess
  591. "Princess? If I may ask, do you know where Anon's from? He said his home is a place called Earth, but it seems strange to live somewhere named after dirt..."
  592. >You miss the princess' eyes widening momentarily
  593. >She takes a moment to respond
  594. >"I believe Anonymous to come from another world entirely, Brass Badge. As for the name of Earth, it may seem strange, but believe it or not, I have heard it once before."
  595. "Really? Does that mean you've met another human, Princess?"
  596. >"What did you learn about Faust while you were in school, Brass Badge?
  597. >Well that hardly seems relevant
  598. >But you're not about to question the avatar of the sun
  599. "Faust is the creator of this world, the eldest of the alicorns. She ascended even before your honored parents did, right?"
  600. >Her majesty smiles
  601. >"Correct on all counts but one! Faust was not, contrary to what is taught in schools, an alicorn. She was a human, from Earth."
  602. >Wha...
  603. >But...
  605. "But... But Princess..."
  606. >"Yes?"
  607. >You're starting to hyperventilate
  608. "That means... Anonymous... is kin to Faust...?"
  609. >She hums
  610. >"It's a possibility. I do not know how many humans there are."
  611. >Oh
  612. >Oh biscuits
  613. >You
  614. >Earlier
  615. >The hoof wrestling
  619. >[internal horse gasp]
  622. >You bolt down the corridor to Anon's cell, the confused princess hurrying to follow
  623. >Maybe if you beg for mercy, he'll spare you!
  624. >Or maybe the Princess can intercede! She knew Faust! She could calm him down!
  626. >You are short one layer of skin on your hands, so you must be Anon
  627. >You scrubbed like a motherfucker, trying to wash off the shame
  628. >You inadvertently pleasured a horse princess
  629. >Who can invade dreams
  630. >And may or may not return tonight
  631. >At least you'll be ready
  632. >You're a lot of things, but a zoophile isn't one of them
  633. >That'd be Uncle Incognito
  634. >A frantic knock at your door brings you out of your haze of disgust and dread
  635. >You move to check the door, only for it to explode open before you're even halfway across the room
  636. >A frenzied Brass Badge appeared!
  638. >Jesus Christ, what's gotten into him? What's all this about you being a god?
  639. "Look, Brass, we talked about this remember? Neither of us are into dudes. Just calm do-"
  640. >You're cut off when you see someone else standing in the door to your cell
  641. >It's her
  642. >The Great White Horse
  643. >The one at the court or whatever
  644. >Her name was Celestia, right?
  645. >What could she want?
  646. >Oh!
  647. >Maybe she found out that this was all a huge misunderstanding and she's gonna pardon you?!
  648. >That'd be sweet!
  649. >You mean, not like your stay has been bad or anything, but you wanna go home
  650. >Emil's probably losing his shit trying to figure out where you're at
  652. >...
  653. >You've been waiting for her to say something, but she's just staring at you
  654. >Mouth slightly agape
  655. >Cheeks a little rosy
  656. >You're getting weirded out
  657. "...can I help you, Princess?"
  658. >Better be polite if you want out of here
  659. >She snaps out of it
  660. >"Oh! No, I would never impose! Rather, it is I who should be offering you my service, High One!"
  661. >nigga wut
  662. >She steps into your cell and makes what appears to be the horse equivalent of a bow
  663. >"It is my honor to stand in your presence, and it would be an even greater one to serve you, Kin of Faust."
  664. >...Faust?
  665. >That's a human name, unless there are little German horses running around somewhere
  666. >Have humans been here before?
  667. >Let's roll with it
  668. >Maybe you can get her to help you get home
  669. >Tell her your people need you or some shit
  670. "Ahem. No need for formalities, Celestia. And yes, I do indeed require your aid."
  671. >Fucking nailed the intro
  672. >She looks really excited too
  673. >Like when you tell your little cousins you'll let them play M-rated games behind their parents' backs
  674. >C-cute
  675. >"Truly? You need only speak your desire, and I will see it done!"
  676. >Nice
  677. >You've got a princess fawning over you
  678. >Dad would be proud
  679. "I require your aid in returning to my home realm of Earth. I was parted from it by forces unknown, and must return swiftly. My people have need of me."
  680. >She's all wide-eyed
  681. >"A-at once! I will return to the castle, and seek any clues as to how you were brought here. If we can determine that, we can work on how to return you! W-would you like to board at the castle while you wait?"
  682. >Blush + lip bite
  683. >U-unf
  684. >NO!
  685. >She's a horse
  686. >A strangely attractive horse, but a horse all the same
  687. >Now how are you gonna play this?
  688. >...
  689. >Let's stay here.
  690. >For one, you'll just freak out more horses if you leave the prison
  691. >For two
  692. >You're pretty damn sure Luna's going to be in that castle
  693. >And that's an encounter you'd rather not have
  695. "I shall remain here, Celestia. Your ponies may not be ready for my presence just yet, and I find my lodgings sufficient. You may contact me whenever you wish."
  696. >You're pretty decent at pulling off this big shot act
  697. >You just wish you knew what she was talking about
  698. >"O-of course! You may be correct, O Anonymous. My ponies can be rather excitable. I... I will be in regular contact with reports on our progress! I'll see you soon!"
  700. "What the fuck?!"
  701. >You fall on your ass like a sperg
  702. >...she's gone?
  703. >Was that magic?!
  704. >Awesome!
  705. >Warden wasn't kidding!
  706. >Brass Badge is still here, and also dazed
  707. >He's also looking at you with a mix of fear and awe
  708. >"I-I must beg your pardon. I didn't know you were-"
  709. >You hold up a hand, interrupting him
  710. "Don't worry about it, Brass. We're still friends."
  711. >His face lights up
  712. >"Really?"
  713. "Really. Thanks for bringing Celestia to see me."
  714. >His face falls again, and he's staring at the floor
  715. >"About that... I have a confession to make, Anon."
  716. >Huh?
  717. "What is it?"
  718. >"I... I was asked to watch you by Princess Celestia. I didn't know why at first, but I guess it's since she holds you in such high regard. And she's here tonight because I was giving her my report. And... And I said..."
  719. >Wow
  720. >Whatever this is, it looks like it's tearing him up inside
  721. >"...I told her you were really dangerous."
  722. >...
  723. >What, that's it?
  724. "Brass... That's not something to apologize for. After all, it's the truth."
  725. >He looks up at you
  726. "I hurt those guards earlier, right? Plus, like with the arm wrestling earlier, I'm way stronger than ponies are. I could hurt someone by accident. You gotta help me stay out of trouble, alright?"
  727. >He brightens up immediately
  728. >"You got it!"
  729. >He yawns
  730. >"Oh... Sorry. It's getting late, Anon. We oughta head to bed."
  731. >Cool, he's back to talking like he usually does
  732. >Although you need to act like a god to keep up the illusion so Celestia helps you, you'd rather not be worshipped
  734. "Alright. Goodnight for real, Brass. See you tomorrow."
  735. >"Yeah! Goodnight Anon!"
  736. >He heads out
  737. >Alright
  738. >Time to get amped out of your mind for a dream battle with Celestia's dream-stalking sister
  739. >And figure out what you should do to combat her
  740. >Power armor and a minigun still seems like a good option
  741. >But should you make it shoot cotton balls or something?
  742. >Celestia can't find out that you were trying to hurt her sister, dream or otherwise
  743. >You don't actually /want/ to hurt her anyway
  744. >Maybe make it shoot something sticky so she gets stuck or something?
  745. >That'd work
  746. >Plus, then she wakes up, tells Celestia about your badass (by their standards) combat skills, and reinforces the god image even further
  747. >Perfect plan
  748. >Let's do it
  749. >You whip out your phone and put on some music to lull you to sleep
  750. >After about half an hour, you drift off
  751. >braceyourselfabluehorseiscoming.jpg
  752. >You wake up in...
  753. >...where the hell is this?
  754. >It's a big-ass hallway
  755. >Looks like it belongs in a palace
  756. >But there's no windows or anything
  757. >No side doors either
  758. >It just leads to a pair of huge, ebony doors
  759. >With a crescent moon emblazoned on either one
  760. >You hear her giggle
  761. >"Come, fair one. I await you."
  762. >Her voice is coming from behind the doors.
  763. >It's go time
  764. >You stride down the hallway
  765. >You'll /make/ her understand
  766. >You throw open the doors
  767. >Thar she blows
  768. >You're in a pretty opulent bedchamber
  769. >And she's right there, stretched out on the bed
  770. >Trying to look sexy
  771. >...kinda succeedi-
  772. >NO WAI-
  773. >She's already laughing again
  774. >Shit
  775. >Fucking mind-reading dream horse
  776. >"You cannot hide your desires from me, certainly not after our last rendezvous! Come to me. My belly longs for your touch~"
  777. >Goddammit
  778. >You knew she'd be like this
  779. >You fucked up when you tickled her belly last time
  780. >Now she thinks you want it
  781. >Time to set her straight and further cement your-
  782. >...
  783. >That was close
  784. >"Cement your what~?"
  785. >She's off the bed now, sashaying towards you
  786. >Stupid sexy horse
  788. >She stops just short of you, her face looking up into yours
  789. >You've got a good few inches on her
  790. >"Give in to your desires. I welcome it."
  791. >God mode initiated
  792. "I'll do no such thing. I am here not to woo, but to do battle for the sanctity of my mind, Princess of the Moon."
  793. >She pouts
  794. >"Do I not satisfy you...?"
  795. >She turns slowly in place, showing her body
  796. >F-fuck
  797. >Her body looks pretty damn tight
  798. >Ass so fat you gotta bite your lip
  799. >And you can't help but-
  801. >You did the thing!
  802. >Why did you do the thing?!?
  803. >You imagined her in knee socks!
  804. >She's got her hungry grin back
  805. >"So socks /do/ hold some intimate significance with your kind... Most excellent to know. Now... /Behold/..."
  806. >Slowly
  807. >Agonizingly slowly
  808. >Long, horizontally-striped blue-and-black socks materialize up her legs
  809. >Shit
  810. >Your fetish
  811. >Your dick reacts
  812. >You will never be clean again
  813. >Time to play hardball
  814. "I'll ask but once more. Leave me to peaceful sleep, or be driven from my mind! Choose!"
  815. >She merely gives another fucking impossibly sultry grin in response
  816. >"Then drive me, if you believe yourself capable! Show me your power, o beautiful dreamer!"
  817. >You don't need any further invitation
  818. "Gaze upon the might of the humans, insolent pony!"
  819. >You close your eyes and focus
  820. >You imagine the shape and size of the T-60
  821. >The little details
  822. >How it moves
  823. >Everything
  824. >The dream starts to bend around you, morphing the very air into the metal of your armor
  825. >As the mask seals shut over your face, you see Luna suddenly looking a hell of a lot less sure of herself
  826. >Excellent
  827. >Let's drive that point home
  828. >You focus on the minigun
  829. >What should you make it shoot?
  830. >Has to be something harmless...
  831. >But it still has to make an impact
  832. >Let's go with...
  833. >Bouncy balls
  834. >Hell yeah
  835. >Those super balls you used to get from the quarter dispensers
  836. >Alright
  837. >You visualize the gun and its rotating barrel
  838. >The dream shifts again, materializing the gun into your hands
  839. >Time to test fire
  840. >Luna's eyes are saucers
  842. >The minigun spools up
  843. >And fires for a split second
  844. >Bouncy balls fly everywhere, bouncing all over the place and breaking shit
  845. >...
  846. >Maybe bouncy balls were too much
  847. >Fuck it
  848. >Let's just make it a Nerf gun
  849. >Switch ammo
  850. >The dream bends slightly again
  851. "You will be spared the full might of human weaponry so you do not pass out. You will experience the /entirety/ of your punishment."
  852. >She shivers
  853. "Now... prepare your body!"
  854. >Spool up and fire
  855. >Foam darts
  856. >Foam darts everywhere
  857. >Luna's getting pelted
  858. >She bolts from the room
  859. >"M-most impressive! But this amount of pain is nothing! I shall not yield yet!"
  860. >Huh
  861. >Well, it kinda makes sense she'd be tougher than the average pony
  862. >You follow her out the door, into-
  863. >A garden maze?
  864. >She can do some crazy stuff with dreams
  865. >You slowly walk into the hedges, trying to keep your mind clear so she can't get an advantage
  866. >You can hear her moving around somewhere though
  867. >You continue your advance until you reach a huge clearing
  868. >There she is
  869. >With a fuckton of guards
  870. >She's got her own battle armor on now too
  871. >"You handle yourself well against one! But show me how you handle this! These ponies are from an age long past, they do not fear boo-boos!"
  872. >...do those little horses have fangs?
  873. >Damn
  874. >This'll get ugly if you let them get close
  875. >And your gun won't mow them all down in time
  876. >Time for some gun mods
  877. >Shredder
  878. >Except with long, rubber strands
  879. >Like one of those big spinny brushes in a carwash
  880. >As for ammo
  881. >Those little snaps you can get on the 4th of July
  882. >You summon up a back-up weapon too
  883. >You do your best not to think about what it does though
  884. >Luna can't know or else she'll try to stop it
  885. >You're ready
  886. "Bring it!!"
  887. >You open fire into the pony army
  888. >They charge
  889. >It's like the final battle scene from The Last Samurai
  890. >They're getting mowed down left and right
  891. >Except they're just squealing and cowering when the snaps go off against their armor
  892. >But they're still coming
  893. >Gotta give the little horses credit
  895. >They hasten the advance, trying to reach you before you can hit them
  896. >Some of them are flying at you
  897. >You target those first
  898. >They fall out of the air with yelps and squeaks as the snaps hit them
  899. >You refocus on the ground forces
  900. >They're nearly in melee range
  901. >You angle the mini gun barrel for your rubber shredder to do its work
  902. >Slappityslappityslap
  903. >The first one gets it right in the face
  904. >You keep swinging your gun, the rubber strands laying a (light) beating on any little horse that gets too close
  905. >You've broken their morale
  906. >They can't even touch you, and aren't sure what to do next
  907. >A few spells hurtle towards you
  908. >They've got unicorns
  909. >The beams wash over you before you can will spell resistance into your armor
  910. >You're pretty much fine anyway, just dazed for a few seconds
  911. >The guards are thoroughly frightened now
  912. >Luna...
  913. >Looks aroused
  914. >Shit
  915. >She flies over the host of disheartened guards, landing in front of them
  916. >"Do not lose heart! Did you allow your brothers and sisters to receive such terrible frights for naught?!"
  917. >They're starting to get amped up again now that she's going to lead them personally
  918. >Alright
  919. >Time to end this
  920. >You switch weapons...
  921. >Pulling out a Fat Man
  922. >But not just any Fat Man
  923. >Luna scoffs
  924. >"A mere shoulder mounted catapult? Hardly a threat! Your previous weapon was better!"
  925. >You scoff right back
  926. "You think to lecture me on my own people's tools of war? Learn the depth of your folly!"
  927. >You bring the Fat Man to bear
  928. >Pull the trigger
  929. >Luna's magic catches one altered mini-nuke as it leaves the cradle...
  930. >...But not the seven other ones
  931. >Experimental MIRV, baby
  932. >The mini-nukes explode
  933. >With paint
  934. >Ponies are getting fucking coated
  935. >The dream guards give up
  936. >They're either flying away or booking their shit out of the clearing
  937. >Just you and Luna now
  938. >A paint-covered, heart-broken Luna
  939. >She's tearing up
  940. >"Why...? Why do you resist so? Do you like our sister more?"
  941. >Fuck
  942. >That face
  943. >It's your kryptonite
  944. >You drop your weapon
  946. >You disengage your power armor
  947. >Luna looks on, slightly awed, as it opens and you step out
  948. >You approach her
  949. >...she's a mess
  950. >She's got a bunch of paint all over her
  951. >Some on her face
  952. >Her tears running trails through it
  953. >You're kind of an asshole for doing this
  954. >You should try and explain
  955. >Make her understand that you don't find anything wrong with her
  956. "Come here, Luna."
  957. >She shakily rises, sniffling
  958. >You gently place a hand on her muzzle, turning her face up to look at you
  959. >You will the paint away, restoring her and her battle armor to pristine condition
  960. >You keep your hand resting gently on her face as you speak
  961. "Luna, of the Moon. I find no flaw with you. Your beauty is something that I can find little comparison to, even among the wonders of my home."
  962. >She visibly brightens
  963. "I am simply unready to accept your affections. I am newly come to your lands, by events I neither willed nor desired. I've tasked your sister with securing a path for my return. Even if I were to take you into my arms right this moment, I could very well leave you tomorrow."
  964. >She's back on the verge of tears again
  965. >"W-why? Why leave? You could rule here! No sane pony would oppose it! You are kin to Faust, you are surely destined to be here!"
  966. >There's that name again
  967. >Should you ask?
  968. >...no
  969. >Not right now
  970. >Luna needs comfort, not questions
  971. "Because my old parents would go mad from grief. I am their only son, Luna. As we speak, my friends likely search for me, wondering what could possibly have become of me that I would go with no trace. Would you subject them to such sadness?"
  972. >You also had a metric fucking ton of classwork you would need to catch up on after being gone for a day
  973. >But that's not critical right now
  974. >Luna sniffs
  975. >"...no..."
  976. >You rub her face a little
  977. >She leans into it
  978. >"...show me your world."
  979. >What?
  980. "What?"
  981. >"Show me the world of humans. Your memories."
  982. >Well shit, it's the least you could do
  983. >But only the good stuff
  985. >You gently reach around Luna and pick her up
  986. >She squeaks
  987. >You don't even try to mask your thoughts on how cute that was
  988. >She's also pretty light
  989. >You change the dream
  990. >You're back in your room in your apartment
  991. >You set Luna down on the bed
  992. "Remove your armor. I shall make this a comfortable experience for you."
  993. >She blushes, but complies
  994. >You arrange the blankets and pillows into a little nest, climb in, and pat your lap
  995. >Luna looks ecstatic
  996. >She scrambles over and does her best to fit her entire self onto your lap
  997. >Doesn't quite work
  998. >You pick her up again, moving stuff around and laying her down so the front part of her body lays on your lap, the back half on pillows, and then throw a blanket over the whole thing
  999. >She leans her head against your chest
  1000. >That's one happy pony
  1001. >Right
  1002. >Showtime
  1003. >You close your eyes and concentrate, the rest of your room falling away from the bed, leaving only darkness
  1004. >At first
  1005. >You think you'll kick this off with a bang
  1006. >4th of July, in Washington D.C.
  1007. >When you open your eyes, your bed is now on the roof of your aunt's condo
  1008. >You've got a hell of a view of the Washington and Jefferson Monuments, as well as the Potomac River
  1009. >Luna's looking around, drinking it all in
  1010. >"Where is-?"
  1011. >CRACK
  1012. >"AAAGH!"
  1013. >The fireworks were massive, so their detonations could actually be felt
  1014. >She clings to you
  1015. "Peace, Luna. They are fireworks."
  1016. >She looks up and sees them, gasping
  1017. >"How pretty... Is this some festival?"
  1018. >Hm
  1019. >You could tell her the straight truth
  1020. >But you want to keep up the godlike image of your world
  1021. >Multiple nations and whatnot would somewhat cheapen that
  1022. >Let's twist it a little
  1023. "It is a yearly summer celebration, honoring camaraderie and good cheer. Fireworks are a mainstay of the festivities."
  1024. >Luna looks on in wonder, and examines the landmarks
  1025. >"The city is beautiful! Where is it? And that pillar, is it a monument? That domed building over there also stands out, the architecture reminds me of ancient Pegasi styling!"
  1027. "Yes. Both are monuments to famous humans. As for this city, it is the one of the most important on Earth."
  1028. >Her eyes widen
  1029. >"Is it your Canterlot?"
  1030. "Similar, yes."
  1031. >She accepts that
  1032. >She's content to just attempt to fuse her upper body to your lap and her cheek to your chest while she watches the fireworks
  1033. >"Most beautiful, Anonymous... Is this the city you reside in?"
  1034. "No. I live far away from here, but saw this sight when I came to visit an aunt."
  1035. >She looks up at your face
  1036. >"How many humans are there?"
  1037. >Ohhhhhh boy
  1038. >How do you field that one?
  1039. >You're not sure how she'd react to the real number...
  1040. >Hm...
  1041. >Plead ignorance?
  1042. "I do not know, exactly. But I have seen a great many of my fellows in my life."
  1043. >Which begets a whole other slew of questions from a rapt-at-attention Luna
  1044. >Some in a very quiet voice
  1045. >"And how old /are/ you? Are humans dominant in your world? Are there other species? W-What's your ideal age range for a m-mate? Have you met Faust? What powers do you hold? Do you like astronomy? Do you like females with hobbies...?"
  1046. >You shake your head, chuckling
  1047. >Is she trying to slip those in and hoping you'll answer unwittingly?
  1048. >Fucking cute
  1049. >You're going to tease her a little
  1050. "Oh my, Princess, I don't believe some of those questions pertain to my home?"
  1051. >...that's a bright shade of pink she just turned
  1052. >How does she do that with blue fur?
  1053. >"I-I demand you answer my-!
  1054. >Whoa
  1055. >The dream's shaking?!
  1056. >You look to Luna, who's looking up at you sadly
  1057. >"You are awakening... And we only got to see one memory..."
  1058. >You smile
  1059. "We shall just have to do this again tonight, won't we?"
  1060. >"T-truly?! Oh Anonymous, we adore you!"
  1061. >Heh
  1062. >Well
  1063. >Cuteness like /that/ can't go unpunished
  1064. >You plant a kiss on her forehead, right under her horn
  1065. >The last thing you see as the dream crumbles is her staring up you, biting her lip
  1066. >F-fuck, she's even better at that than her sister
  1067. >...
  1068. >Your eyes open, to see the ceiling of your cell
  1070. >You get up, checking your phone out of habit
  1071. >You realize you left it playing music all night during your dream adventures with Luna
  1072. >It's at about 40%
  1073. >Let's turn it off for now, conserve power
  1074. >After shutting it down and stashing it with your wallet and keys, you begin the morning trinity of activities
  1075. >Except no shave, because no razors in prison
  1076. >As you shower, you reflect
  1077. >You realize something
  1078. >You like Luna
  1079. >Last night was fun
  1080. >And it genuinely hurt you to see her so sad after the short battle against you
  1081. >You liked her sister too, though you'd interacted with her less
  1082. >Celestia was nice, and just as pretty as her sister
  1083. >And you vividly recall the look on her face when she invited you to stay at the castle
  1084. >Not even one day gone and a pair of ancient, quasi-immortal princesses with crazy powers wanted you
  1085. >Feels good man
  1086. >You finish up, grab one of the provided towels, and dry off, stepping into your room
  1087. >You realize something else
  1088. >Shouldn't you have a uniform or something?
  1089. >Everyone had one on back in the cafeteria
  1090. >You also don't have any proper clothes other than the ones you came in
  1091. >Right then, there's a knock at your door
  1092. >"Anon? Are you awake?"
  1093. >Brass?
  1094. "Hey Brass, don't come in just yet. Is there a uniform I can wear?"
  1095. >"Check your closet!"
  1096. >You check
  1097. >Yup
  1098. >Red prison uniform get
  1099. >After you get dressed, you head out into the hall
  1100. >Brass is there waiting
  1101. >"Good to see you found it. Ready for breakfast?"
  1102. "Heck yeah. Let's go."
  1103. >The pair of you head over the the cafeteria
  1104. >As you head in, you're met with a bunch of stares again
  1105. >You don't pay any heed this time
  1106. >You and Brass load up, grabbing a table towards the back
  1107. >You notice something
  1108. "Hey Brass, what do the uniform colors mean?"
  1109. >You can see a few different ones from here
  1110. >"Ah. Gray's low-level misdemeanors, orange is regular felons, and red is high-level felons. There's black too, but they eat their meals separately. Only the truly evil get black, Anon."
  1111. >Huh
  1112. >You're high-level then
  1114. >You continue eating and scanning the cafeteria
  1115. >The resemblance to a middle school isn't just in your head, it seems
  1116. >There's a bit of cliquish behavior at tables
  1117. >And you already know most of these horses have the pain tolerance & emotional maturity of middle schoolers anyway, so...
  1118. >Nah
  1119. >Actually
  1120. >That's kind of an insult to human middle schoolers
  1121. >Regardless, you aren't particularly worried about what they'll do
  1122. >You're a red-suit, plus you tower over them
  1123. >You doubt they'll even try anything with you, though there'll probably be a few guys with something to prove
  1124. >How will you handle that?
  1125. >Maybe Brass will take care of it? He's your chaperone, right?
  1126. >Yeah
  1127. >That makes sense
  1128. >You can't deal with it yourself
  1129. >You'd hurt them
  1130. >Whether physically or emotionally
  1131. >But maybe that'd be okay?
  1132. >Self-defense and all that?
  1133. >Let's ask
  1134. "Brass."
  1135. >"Yeah?"
  1136. "If someone tries to start something with me, can I defend myself?"
  1137. >He thinks for a moment
  1138. >"Well, I'll be with you most of the day since I'm your chaperone, but I will eventually have to go tend to paperwork... I'd say yeah. Just, you know, be careful. The difference in strength between you and average ponies is no joke. I can appreciate that you're a powerful being who shouldn't have to put up with nonsense like that, but it's just how bad ponies are. If someone bugs you while I'm not around, you can just get me their name and I'll deal with 'em later."
  1139. "Cool. I'll control myself."
  1140. >He chuckles
  1141. >"I sure hope so. Some of those guards you hurt are still in the infirmary."
  1142. >Oh come on!
  1143. >The worst they had were bruises!
  1144. >Little bitches
  1145. >You just laugh right back
  1146. "You ponies aren't too durable, huh?"
  1147. >That gets his attention
  1148. >"Boo-boos are serious business, Anon. Don't they hurt for you too?"
  1149. "Well, sure, but those guys from yesterday just got thrashed a little. It's not like I broke the skin, right?"
  1150. >"But bruises hurt! Ponies can't do their jobs when they're in pain!"
  1151. >Wow
  1152. >You're not sure how to respond to that
  1154. >The rugby enthusiast in you wants to make fun
  1155. >But you have an even better idea
  1156. "What's the worst you've ever been hurt?"
  1157. >Brass smirks, thinking he's going to get to show off how big of a boss he is
  1158. >"Took some changeling spit to the face on a raid. Itched. For. Days."
  1159. >That would be kind of badass
  1160. >If it did more than itch
  1161. >Now, initiate phase two
  1162. "You wanna know what one of the worst I've had is?"
  1163. >You have a grin on your face comparable to the Cheshire Cat from Alice in Wonderland
  1164. >Brass is conflicted
  1165. >He wants to know
  1166. >But at the same time he doesn't want to know what a "god" who can effortlessly beat up grown ponies would consider an injury
  1167. >"...sure...?"
  1168. >bueno.jpg
  1169. >You lean in conspiratorially
  1170. "Partially dislocated jaw."
  1171. >Brass blanches
  1172. "You wanna know why only partially?"
  1173. >He clearly doesn't
  1174. >You tell him anyway because you're a massive dick about stuff like this
  1175. "It didn't come all the way out. Only one side was dislocated."
  1176. >Brass bolts, a hoof over his mouth
  1177. >...
  1178. >Seriously?
  1179. >That wasn't even gory
  1180. >Aw well
  1181. >You could save your other rugby stories for later
  1182. >Or for the princesses
  1183. >Get rehab cuddles for your /terrible/ injuries
  1184. >Fuck yeah, that's an awesome plan
  1185. >You know what you're showing Luna tonight
  1186. >Rugby marathon
  1187. >Your scheming is interrupted by a voice
  1188. >"Hello Anon!"
  1189. >Oh!
  1190. >It's Warden!
  1191. "Hey, Warden! What's up?"
  1192. >She beams back
  1193. >"Just checking on our newest inmate! I hope you were comfortable during your first night in!"
  1194. "Definitely. What's the bed made out of, by the way? It's really nice!"
  1195. >She looks at you, slightly confused
  1196. >"Why, clouds Anon! What else?"
  1197. >Holy shit
  1198. >Is this nigga for real?
  1199. "How do you even make something like that?"
  1200. >"Pegasi, silly! They have the ability to touch and control clouds!"
  1201. >You'd have to meet one of these pegasi
  1202. >That sounds like it'd be cool to watch
  1203. "Neat! So, what's the plan for today?"
  1204. >"Brass Badge will show you the various clubs around the prison, and you'll pick one! Or more than one! Your choice!"
  1206. >She looks around
  1207. >"Where is Brass, anyway? He should be with you."
  1208. "He had to use the restroom."
  1209. >It wasn't a lie
  1210. >"Oh! Well, I'll wait with you then. Are you two getting along?"
  1211. "You bet. Brass is really cool, thanks for having him look out for me."
  1212. >You know that's not the only reason Brass is watching over you, but Warden was still a part of it
  1213. >She smiles
  1214. >"No trouble at all, Anon! I'm glad you two get along. Now, which club do you think you'll join? If you have any hobbies, then I'm sure there's a club for it!"
  1215. >She says that, but you doubt there's a club for vidya
  1216. >Probably isn't one for rugby either, the way these ponies are shaping up
  1217. >Maybe weights?
  1218. "Do you have a weightlifting club?"
  1219. >"I believe so, yes! A lot of inmates like to work out!"
  1220. >Oh ho
  1221. >Sweet
  1222. >College had royally fucked with your exercise routine, so this would be a nice chance to get some work in
  1223. "I'll check that one out, then."
  1224. >"Be sure to look at all the rest, too! Don't limit yourself!"
  1225. >She reminds you of your mom
  1226. "I got it, I got it. I'll give them all a look."
  1227. >"Great!"
  1228. >Brass comes back right then
  1229. >"Urgh... Good morning, Miss Sharp."
  1230. >"Good morning, Brass! Well, I'll let you two get to it!"
  1231. >Warden skips off
  1232. >You shoot a semi-apologetic smile at Brass
  1233. "Sorry about that pal. I thought you could handle it!"
  1234. >He gives you a look
  1235. >"Yeah, well, from now on, no more horror stories. I don't have any breakfast left in my gut to run on now, and my appetite's totally gone."
  1236. >You feel the tiniest sliver of remorse
  1237. >Just a little one
  1238. "Alright, so Warden tells me there's an exercise club. I was thinking I'd join that."
  1239. >"Sounds good. They hang out, naturally enough, in the weight room. I'll take you there."
  1240. >You both leave the cafeteria and head on your way
  1241. >A few winding turns through the prison, and you reach your destination
  1242. >A metal door, leading into a room that smells of chalk and iron
  1243. >There's a bunch of ponies in here, a couple minotaurs, and and some griffons
  1245. >All activity ceases as you and Brass enter
  1246. >One of the minotaurs calls out
  1247. >"Guard Captain. Who's the red?"
  1248. >Brass nods in his direction
  1249. >"Steel Eye. This is Anonymous. He wants to join."
  1250. >Wait
  1251. >Brass is the captain of the guards?
  1252. >He keeps talking
  1253. >"I've been assigned as his chaperone, so I'll be here observing while you guys get him squared away. No funny business."
  1254. >The minotaur nods, but someone else speaks
  1255. >"Hold up, copper!"
  1256. >It's a female pony
  1257. >A normal one, no wings or horns
  1258. >...she's pretty big
  1259. >Smaller than Luna, but bigger than Brass
  1260. >"Why do we gotta let a weirdo like him in? I bet he's weak anyway!"
  1261. >Oh
  1262. >/Do/ you now?
  1263. >Before you can express your snark, Brass replies
  1264. >"Sand Stone. I can personally guarantee you that Anon leaves nothing to be desired in strength. Now you let him in. Or no pudding."
  1265. >...
  1266. >Was that a threat, or...?
  1267. >Sand Stone backs down a bit
  1268. >"H-hold on! I'm just saying we should test him first. We're the strongest ones in the prison, we don't wanna have to spend time with a weakling!"
  1269. >There's a general murmur of assent
  1270. >Even from the minotaur from earlier
  1271. >Brass is getting frustrated
  1272. >"Now you listen here-!"
  1273. "Brass."
  1274. >He looks up at you
  1275. >"What?"
  1276. "I got this."
  1277. >He just looks you for a moment, then steps aside
  1278. >You step forward
  1279. >They all eye you up and down
  1280. >Sand Stone especially
  1281. "Look. You and I know talk is cheap. So just let me do a lift at my personal best weight, and then you can judge. Fair?"
  1282. >Sand Stone, after a moment more of staring at you, nods
  1283. >"Fair!"
  1284. >You walk further into the room, examining the equipment
  1285. >Most of it's for quadrupeds
  1286. >You wouldn't fit
  1287. >There's a bench rack that the minotaurs were using
  1288. >Alright, let's do that
  1289. "I'll do bench."
  1290. >Steel Eye nods approvingly
  1291. >"We'll get it wiped down for you. How much weight?"
  1292. >You think for a moment
  1293. >It's actually been a while since you tested your max on bench...
  1294. >Last you recall, you could just barely swing two plate for one
  1295. >Two plate is 225 lbs., so...
  1297. "Load 210 pounds."
  1298. >Better safe than sorry
  1299. >There's a moment of silence
  1300. >They explode into laughter
  1301. >Fuck!
  1302. >Are they really that strong?!
  1303. >You thought you had super strength by pony standards!
  1304. >What gives?!
  1305. >Sand Stone gets a hold of herself just long enough to speak
  1306. >"T-two hundred and ten?! Get this hot head outta here!"
  1307. >A griffon chimes in
  1308. >"You seriously think you can do that?! Look, kid, I get you want to impress us but that's just stupid!"
  1309. >Steel Eye rounds it all out
  1310. >"T-truly, youngun', you should consider your safety more. No mortal can bench 210."
  1311. >...
  1312. >...
  1313. >...
  1314. >Is this real life?
  1315. >2-fucking-10 is considered impossible weight here?
  1316. >Oh lord
  1317. >They better not let you anywhere near the squat rack
  1318. >Or let you deadlift for that matter
  1319. "Load the weight. I'll /make/ you believe."
  1320. >The laughter dies
  1321. >They're staring now
  1322. >Steel Eye speaks
  1323. >"...you're serious?"
  1324. "You gonna load the weight or not? I'm gonna blow your tiny little minds into orbit, dude. You'll need Luna's help to find your brain when I'm done."
  1325. >"Look, young one, even if we /had/ that much weight-"
  1327. >"-we could not in good conscience allow you to make such an attempt. Just try some machines and-"
  1328. >Oh
  1329. >Fucking
  1330. >No
  1331. >You did not just fucking get relegated to machines like some New Year's resolutioner
  1332. >Your temper's starting to flare
  1333. >Brass can see it
  1334. >He's making eye contact with you, shaking his head frantically
  1335. >You take some deep breaths
  1336. >...
  1337. >Okay
  1338. >If they won't let you prove your strength
  1339. >You'll just have to shatter their confidence in theirs
  1340. "Fine. /You/ do some bench. Whatever weight you want. In fact, anybody is welcome to challenge me at anything. I'll match it or leave."
  1341. >Wide eyes all around
  1342. >Sand Stone speaks up
  1343. >"C-c'mon, Steel! Show him how it's done!"
  1344. >The minotaur slowly nods, still staring at you
  1345. >"Y-yeah. Steel Trap, load up."
  1346. >He and the other minotaur start loading weight onto the bar
  1348. >When they're done, Steel Eye climbs under
  1349. >Those plates look like toys, now that you look closely
  1350. >He unracks, and begins
  1351. >Steel Trap is spotting
  1352. >Are they brothers or what?
  1353. >Whatever
  1354. >First rep
  1355. >Second rep
  1356. >Third rep
  1357. >He's done
  1358. >Sweating like a mofo
  1359. >"There! 115, for 3!"
  1360. >The rest let out a cheer
  1361. >You, on the other hand, are really going to have fun destroying this dude's self esteem
  1362. >They wipe down the bench
  1363. >Steel Trap makes a mockingly polite gesture towards it
  1364. >"Alright, fresh face. Show us what you've got."
  1365. >You hear snickers
  1366. >That will soon be silenced
  1367. >You sit down on the bench and lay back
  1368. >Before Steel Trap's even in spotting position, you unrack
  1369. >Time to show them the power of the glorious human master race
  1370. >One rep
  1371. >Two rep
  1372. >Three rep
  1373. >Rack
  1374. >Didn't even slow down
  1375. >You sit up, not even sweating
  1376. >Jaws on the floor everywhere you look
  1377. >"Y-you...how...?"
  1378. >You snort
  1379. "Gains, that's how."
  1380. >You partially strip out of your uniform, showing off your upper body
  1381. >The ladies are impressed
  1382. >Sand Stone, the mouthy lady griffon from earlier, and a few other female ponies all have red on their faces
  1383. >The dudes aside from Steel Eye are fuming
  1384. >They know they're getting shown up
  1385. >Steel Eye's just got a thousand-yard stare going on
  1386. >One broken
  1387. >How many more?
  1388. "Who else?"
  1389. >"Me!"
  1390. >A male horse - stallion? yeah, that's the word - steps forth
  1391. >"I challenge you to leg press!"
  1392. >Little dude's digging his own grave
  1393. >You're hella strong with leg work
  1394. >And leg press is for bitches anyway
  1395. >Though since ponies can't really squat, you guess it's okay
  1396. >He loads weight onto the machine, then climbs in
  1397. >Interesting
  1398. >He's only using his back legs
  1399. >He disengages the safety catches, then starts
  1400. >One
  1401. >Two
  1402. >Three
  1403. >Four
  1404. >Five
  1405. >He's struggling
  1406. >A couple others step forth to spot
  1407. >He pulls out the sixth
  1408. >He gets out, obviously bushed
  1409. >"H-ha! Lemme see you match /that/!"
  1410. >Ask and you shall receive, little beta male
  1411. >You climb in the machine
  1413. >It's a bit of an awkward fit
  1414. >You have to get out and adjust the machine
  1415. >There, slightly less awkward fit
  1416. >You disengage safeties and begin
  1417. >You drive out for the first rep...
  1418. >Only to slam the machine against itself
  1419. >Holy shit
  1420. >What is this, 150?
  1421. >Fucking pleb
  1422. >You'll break him, right here right now
  1423. >You go double or nothing
  1424. >12
  1425. >Cranking them out with no drop in speed
  1426. >You get out of the machine and shoot the little nignog your best intimidating stare
  1427. "Doubled."
  1428. >He can't even speak
  1429. >Steel Trap's recovered somewhat
  1430. >"Alright, enough! I challenge you to deadlifts! 185!"
  1431. >They start freaking out
  1432. >"Trap, no!"
  1433. >"Too high, bro!"
  1434. >"Just let him join!"
  1435. >Trap's too fired up to back down
  1436. >"NO! I'll avenge my brother's honor right now!"
  1437. >He grabs a mat out of a closet, throws it on the floor, and grabs a barbell
  1438. >The other griffon, a male, starts helping him slide weights onto it
  1439. >It's ready
  1440. >But you can see he's nervous
  1441. >He's either never attempted this or attempted it before and hurt himself
  1442. >Doesn't matter
  1443. >It'll just make it more traumatic when you crank that shit out for 10
  1444. >He chalks up his hands and takes up position
  1445. >Everyone else is tensed up
  1446. >He bends down and grabs the bar
  1447. >Here we go
  1448. >He begins the drive
  1449. >Nothing happens at first...
  1450. >But the bar leaves the ground
  1451. >He's got it up to his knees
  1452. >...Cows have knees, right?
  1453. >Unimportant
  1454. >He's still pulling, but it's slowed to a crawl
  1455. >It doesn't look like he'll be able to lock out
  1456. >He keeps straining
  1457. >But gives out after a few more seconds of effort
  1458. >"Aw!"
  1459. >"You nearly had it, Trap! Good try!"
  1460. >"No worries, Trap. We'll get him with something else!"
  1461. >Like hell you will
  1462. >You're going to drive a stake through the heart of this bullshit
  1463. >As Trap steps away from the bar, you step up to it on the other side
  1464. >Facing all of them
  1465. >"Wh-?"
  1466. >"Wait! What are you doing?!"
  1467. >"Is he...?"
  1468. >Yup
  1469. >You said you'd blow their minds
  1470. >Here it comes
  1471. >You seize the bar and get in your stance
  1472. >Deep inhale
  1473. >Explode upwards
  1475. >You hit the apex and lock out
  1476. >First rep
  1477. >You stare them in the eye
  1478. >They're all dumbfounded
  1479. >You're not done
  1480. >You bring the bar back to ground
  1481. >2!
  1482. >3!
  1483. >4!
  1484. >5!
  1485. >6!
  1486. >7!
  1487. >8!
  1488. >9!
  1489. >10!!
  1490. >You set the bar down for the last time
  1491. >Two ponies have fainted
  1492. >Sand Stone can't bring herself to make eye contact with you
  1493. >The Steel brothers look like they're about to cry
  1494. >The griffons are just staring, beaks slightly open
  1495. >You can't help but grin
  1496. "Where's all that smack talk at /now/, huh?!"
  1497. >The door suddenly opens
  1498. >"Hey guys, sorry I'm late-"
  1499. >Somebody walks in
  1500. >You turn to see-
  1501. >...
  1502. >Oh
  1503. >So /that's/ what lady minotaurs look like
  1504. >Neat
  1505. >She's got really nice...
  1506. >Eyes
  1507. >Shit, she caught you staring
  1508. >You quickly sit and look down at the mat, "catching your breath"
  1509. >You're really just praying she doesn't realize you were sperging out over her
  1510. >"What's going on in here? What happened?!"
  1511. >She's caught sight of the passed out equines
  1512. >"Magnolia!"
  1513. >Trap and Eye fling themselves at her, cowering behind her
  1514. >It'd be funny if it wasn't so sad
  1515. >"This guy-! This guy just-!"
  1516. >"He just deadlifted 185! For /ten/!"
  1517. >She slowly turns to face you
  1518. >"...you can't be serious. For ten?"
  1519. >You're starting to come down from your mixed high of testosterone and indignation
  1520. >...and realizing that you just acted like the /exact/ kind of douchebag you fucking hate to see at the gym
  1521. >Fuck...
  1522. >Damage control time
  1523. >You make to get up, only to find Magnolia leaning down right in front of you
  1524. >Sweet Jesus
  1525. >"Did you really do it?"
  1526. "Y-yeah."
  1527. >Real smooth
  1528. >You weren't kidding about her eyes earlier
  1529. >Obviously she's got a fucking dynamite rack too
  1530. >Her shirt barely contains it
  1531. >But her eyes are a nice dark green
  1532. >You try to collect your spilt spaghetti
  1533. "They weren't gonna let me join unless I proved I was strong. And they didn't believe me when I told them how much I could lift, so I kinda got a little worked up. Sorry."
  1534. >"Sorry?! Don't be sorry! That's incredible! /I'm/ sorry about how they treated you!"
  1536. >She turns and glowers at what you're now presuming to be her siblings
  1537. >"What have I told you guys about hazing folks who want to join?"
  1538. >They shake their heads
  1539. >"It was Sand's idea!"
  1540. >Sand Stone waves her hooves wildly
  1541. >"Hey, don't throw me under the carriage! I was just saying what we were all thinking!"
  1542. >Magnolia stomps
  1543. >"Regardless of whose idea it was, it has to stop! It's why nobody else joins!"
  1544. >She turns back to you
  1545. >"Sorry again. I'm Steel Magnolia! What's your name?"
  1546. >She extends a hand
  1547. >You do the same
  1548. "I'm Anonymous."
  1549. >"It's nice to meet you Anonymous! And after a performance like /that/, you are most definitely welcome in the weights club!"
  1550. >Sweet
  1551. >The remaining hour in club time goes by quickly after that
  1552. >The other members apologize for what they said
  1553. >You apologize for being a massive faggot
  1554. >Balance is restored
  1555. >Everybody's pretty nice
  1556. >If more than a little in awe of you
  1557. >You repeated your set of 10 for Magnolia when she said she wanted to see it
  1558. >You have another fan now
  1559. >"Bye Anon! See you tomorrow!"
  1560. >She waves goodbye as she leaves with her brothers
  1561. >You and Brass leave shortly after
  1562. >You wonder why minotauresses look so... human
  1563. >Like, her face wasn't anywhere near as cowish as her siblings'
  1564. >Combine that with her huge tracts o' land, and it explains why she had such an effect on you
  1565. >"You did good back there."
  1566. >Brass interrupts your thoughts
  1567. >Probably for the best
  1568. "You think?"
  1569. >"Yeah. Admittedly, you went kind of crazy, but you handled it without violence and no feelings were hurt. I'm proud of you, Anon."
  1570. >You smile
  1571. "Thanks, Brass. Where to now?"
  1572. >"Well, we can keep checking out clubs if you feel like. They're scattered throughout the day so inmates can attend more than one if they so choose. Or, you can just relax in your cell. It's gonna be a while yet before lunch."
  1573. >Hm...
  1574. >You're hungry more than anything.
  1575. >You don't really feel like doing anything else either.
  1576. >I think I'll chill in my room. Can I get a book somewhere?"
  1578. >"Sure. You remember seeing the library when Warden gave you the tour?"
  1579. >Oh yeah
  1580. >You were still reeling from how not-serious all this was, so you didn't really pay attention
  1581. >But you do recall seeing a library
  1582. "Yeah. Let's go."
  1583. >You begin the journey
  1584. "How much paperwork do you have to do, Brass?"
  1585. >"Nothing crazy. There's a bunch of research groups that want access to you, but the Princesses have restricted them to photos and written reports. I gotta write one up, and then we need to take some pictures later so we can get them off my back."
  1586. "Alright. We can do that now, if you want."
  1587. >"Nah. Lemme figure out how I'm gonna structure it. I'm not sure what's okay to tell them, so I have to drop Princess Celestia a letter first. Since I'm priority mail now that I'm your observer, I'll probably get a reply before dinner, and then we take photos, and then I finish the report."
  1588. "Sounds like a plan."
  1589. >Arrive at the library
  1590. >Librarian looks concerned that there's a red-suit in here
  1591. >"C-can I help you?"
  1592. "Yeah. I was hoping to find some history books. Like, history of the world? When and how it was formed?"
  1593. >Librarian brightens up
  1594. >"Certainly! I have a copy of the Encyclopedia of Equestria! I'll go grab it for you!"
  1595. >She scampers off
  1596. >...
  1597. >Equestria?
  1598. >Really?
  1599. >That's like naming Earth Anthropomorphland or some shit
  1600. >Whatever
  1601. >It's the sisters' country, they can do whatever they want with it
  1602. >The librarian returns
  1603. >"Here you are!"
  1604. "Thanks. When does it need to be back by?"
  1605. >She looks confused
  1606. >You're confused
  1607. >"I'm not sure what you mean. You just keep it until you're done with it!"
  1608. >...you won't make this anymore complicated than it needs to be
  1609. "Gotcha. I'll do that then."
  1610. >She waves as you leave, and you return the courtesy
  1611. >Brass questions you as you walk out
  1612. >"What do you want an encyclopedia for? They're terrible reading. And what was that about when the book needed to be back by?"
  1613. "I need to learn more about Faust and who she was, and Equestria in general."
  1615. "As for the due date thing, I just kind of assumed that libraries here would be the same as libraries back home."
  1616. >"Huh. That's not really a thing for us. I mean, I hear Celestia's pupil has a weird system where she expects books to be returned after a week, but why not just let ponies hold on to them until they're done?"
  1617. >Strange
  1618. >At least Celestia's pupil, whoever she is, seems to get it
  1619. >What the fuck kind of library can't guarantee when it'll have its books back? What if someone else wants to read it?
  1620. >Aw well
  1621. >You reach your cell
  1622. "Alright. Unless you want to sit around and watch me read, I'll see you at lunch time."
  1623. >"Sounds good. I'll see you then."
  1624. >Brass heads off as you enter your cell
  1625. >Sit down at your little table and get reading
  1626. >At least the stuff you want is right at the beginning
  1627. >Faust
  1628. >It says in the book that she was an alicorn
  1629. >What's that? Is that what Celestia and Luna are?
  1630. >That'd be weird though
  1631. >Why would Celetia call you "Kin of Faust" if Faust wasn't even your species?
  1632. >She's supposed to check in at some point with a report on how the investigation into your arrival is going
  1633. >You'll ask her then
  1634. >But you can't do it in a way that hints at you not understanding who Faust is...
  1635. >Hm...
  1636. >You'll cross that bridge when you're there
  1637. >You keep reading
  1638. >The encyclopedia's honestly not much help with the subject
  1639. >It seems that the only testimony they have is the sisters'
  1640. >And they say Faust /drew/ the world into being
  1641. >With what? A magical pen?
  1642. >This is making no sense
  1643. >Are they expecting you to have a power like that too?
  1644. >You're garbage at drawing
  1645. >Shit
  1646. >You won't be able to keep your facade up if they ask you to show them your power
  1647. >Better hope Celestia finds that way home soon
  1648. >You feel terrible for Luna, but...
  1649. >You can't turn your back on the people you left on Earth, regardless of how nice it is here
  1650. >You read on, leaving "The Age of Myth" behind and getting into Equestrian pre-history
  1651. >Shit's gay
  1653. >There's literally no armed conflict
  1654. >Well, none as you know it
  1655. >There's pie fights
  1656. >And other stuff involving non-lethal ammunition and/or name-calling
  1657. >And this is /before/ civilization?
  1658. >What do they do in conflict now? Rock-paper-scissors?
  1659. >Fucking ponyland
  1660. >Ah, this looks interesting
  1661. >Nightmare Moon, huh...
  1662. >...
  1663. >Oh
  1664. >Luna...
  1665. >Jesus, /a thousand years/? And she only came back within the last decade?
  1666. >Poor girl...
  1667. >And over something so silly!
  1668. >That's kind of what happens with a failed coup though
  1669. >The leader always gets the severest punishment
  1670. >And it probably hurt Celestia to do that
  1671. >You're going to snuggle the fuck out of Luna while you're in dreamland
  1672. >1000 years alone...
  1673. >Ugh
  1674. >Moving on
  1675. >You stop reading a little while later
  1676. >There wasn't much else you needed to know
  1677. >Though this "Discord" guy sounded interesting
  1678. >He was first mentioned in the prehistory period
  1679. >So, did Faust not create him? If so, what did?
  1680. >Reading that book just gave you more questions
  1681. >And you're still really hungry
  1682. >...
  1683. >Maybe there's a cooking club around here?
  1684. >Gotta be
  1685. >Maybe they'll give you free food if you join
  1686. >You could at least fix yourself something to eat if they let you in
  1687. >You'd just have to be back before Brass came to get you
  1688. >It's not like you explicitly said you'd stay here the whole time
  1689. >Besides, what could go wrong?
  1690. >You get jumped by a bunch of pillow-wielding ponies who regard bruises as serious injuries?
  1691. >Chuckling at the thought, you head off into the prison in search of free food
  1693. >You are now Brass Badge
  1694. >Anon successfully joined the weight club after some initial difficulties
  1695. >Warden will be pleased to hear he's integrating
  1696. >For now, you have to write that letter to the princess concerning her opinion on what information about Anon should be released
  1697. >And then it's all easy paperwork until you get your response, and then you can begin work on Anon's "file" for the eggheads
  1698. >Today's going so well, and it's not even lunch yet!
  1700. >You head into your office and get down to business
  1701. >Letter to the Princess first
  1702. >Then processing guard reports
  1703. >Then weekly report to Warden
  1704. >Hopefully be done by lunch
  1705. >Let's do this
  1706. >You get out your pen and a short length of scroll, and write out:
  1707. >Attn: HRH Celestia
  1708. >Priority sender: Brass Badge
  1709. >Your Majesty,
  1710. >I've received a number of requests from various scientists privy to Anonymous' arrival in Equestria seeking access to him for study purposes. Knowing the import his identity holds, I thought it best to defer to you on the matter. Please advise.
  1711. >There!
  1712. >Short and to the point, like all official documents should be
  1713. >Screw those noble dinguses and their pompous ways
  1714. >Just another small reason why you're kinda glad you aren't a guard anymore
  1715. >Now, just dip it in the dragon fire candle, and...
  1716. >Sent!
  1717. >Now, let's hammer out the rest of this!
  1718. >You're midway through the guard reports when a scroll appears in a burst of flame over your desk
  1719. >Already?!
  1720. >Wow
  1721. >You knew the princess considered Anon high priority, but still
  1722. >That's crazy fast
  1723. >Well, let's take a look...
  1724. >...
  1725. >Huh
  1726. >Alright
  1727. >Better go give Anon some heads up
  1728. >Her highness wants to conduct the interviews herself, and she's coming sometime today!
  1730. >You're tall, dark, and hungry, so you're probably Anon
  1731. >You have stumbled upon the cooking club
  1732. >They were a little unnerved
  1733. >You have a bad rap
  1734. >But after some calm conversation, you are now formally inducted into their ranks
  1735. >You weren't sure about the logic of a cooking club held before lunch, but they're really more of a baking club
  1736. >They make desserts that you're /supposed/ to save for after lunch
  1737. >lolnope
  1738. >Too hungry for that shit
  1739. >They're making chocolate layer cake today
  1740. >You help out
  1741. >You're willing to accept the compromise of no food now in exchange for more food later
  1742. >You're automatically guaranteed a slice just for helping!
  1743. >Nice
  1744. >It's nearly done
  1745. >This thing's gonna be delicious
  1747. >Back to being the brassiest Badge you ever saw
  1748. >Headed back towards Anon's room
  1749. >You hope that encyclopedia helped him out
  1750. >He's probably still reading it
  1751. >Those things were thick
  1752. >Equestria had a long and not always harmonious history
  1753. >But from what you've seen of Anon, you doubt it'll even phase him
  1754. >Partially dislocated jaw...
  1755. >You shudder
  1756. >Nothing should have to go through that
  1757. >You arrive outside Anon's door, and give it a knock
  1758. "Anon? It's me."
  1759. >...
  1760. >Huh
  1761. >No response
  1762. >Did he fall asleep from reading the encyclopedia?
  1763. >You chuckle
  1764. >Even elder gods can get bored, it seems!
  1765. "I'm coming in!"
  1766. >You open the door
  1767. >No response
  1768. >No Anon
  1769. >The encyclopedia's on the table
  1770. >No bathroom light on
  1771. >No nothing
  1772. >...
  1773. >Okay
  1774. >Remain calm
  1775. >Yes, there is presently an ancient being of immense power on the loose
  1776. >But he's a /nice/ ancient being
  1777. >Except when he gets mad
  1778. >Then he's a wrathful eldritch horror with the strength of ten draft ponies, incomprehensible resistance to magic, and by reports, the foulest mouth ever heard
  1779. >Nevermind
  1780. >Time to panic
  1781. >You need to find him NOW
  1782. >To the PA system!
  1784. >Back to being nameless
  1785. >Er, Anonymous
  1786. >Cake's done
  1787. >Apparently it was a member of the cooking club's birthday today!
  1788. >You stuck around for a bit of festivities
  1789. >And more free food on top of the party games
  1790. >It was a good time
  1791. >Not really your kind of party though
  1792. >But anyways, you are now on your way back to your cell with a hugeass slice of chocolate layer cake
  1793. >Aw yiss
  1794. >You will enjoy this
  1795. >Just as you arrive, though, you notice two things
  1796. >Your door is open for some reason
  1797. >And Celestia is peering in
  1798. >Did she come to visit you?
  1799. >Alright
  1800. >Code input: tgm
  1801. "Greetings, Celestia. What brings you to me?"
  1802. >She jumps a little
  1803. >"Anonymous! I cry your forgiveness, I saw your door was open and merely thought-"
  1804. "Be at ease, Celestia. You've committed no offense. Come inside, and converse."
  1805. >You usher her in
  1806. >...did she style her hair? Er, mane?
  1807. >Same difference
  1808. >And it looks nice
  1810. >You close the door behind you, and turn to face Celestia
  1811. "If I may, you look very beautiful with your mane like that."
  1812. >She reddens
  1813. >Fuck yeah, brownie points get
  1814. >"It pleases me that you think so, Anonymous. I come today to-"
  1815. >She cuts off
  1816. >You're not sure why at first
  1817. >Then you follow her eyes
  1818. >...
  1819. >She's staring at your slice of cake
  1820. "Celestia?"
  1821. >"O-Oh! I, er, I'm sorry, it's just... That... Looks excellent..."
  1822. "Would you like some?"
  1823. >Her face lights up
  1824. >"I certainly would! Thank you!"
  1825. "I'll split it with you, then."
  1826. >You sit down at your table, and pull out another chair for her next to you
  1827. >She sits, and notices the encyclopedia
  1828. >"You've been studying?"
  1829. "I have, yes. I wished to learn more about your history, and your written language is the same as ours."
  1830. >Alright
  1831. >This next bit's fucking crucial
  1832. >She /will/ ask if you know Faust at some point
  1833. >There's no way she could expect there to be seven billion of what she considers to be elder gods running around on Earth, so she'll likely assume that it's either just you and Faust or a small pantheon of humans
  1834. >You also have to match your story about Earth and humans to what you've already told Luna
  1835. >Time to put that silver tongue to work, Anon
  1836. >"Wonderful! And yes, Faust gave us that script. It's lovely to know that she blessed us with the same text you and your kin use."
  1837. >You just nod, and reach for the plate of cake, only to realize you only had one fork
  1838. "Ah. Pardon me, Celestia, it seems I only have one fork. I'll go get another."
  1839. >You move to rise, but Celestia rests a hoof on your hand
  1840. >"I don't mind sharing. Unless swapping a little spit with a lowly pony offends you...?"
  1841. >Oh
  1842. >Wow
  1843. >Seems like both sisters are pretty forward
  1844. >And this one's a bit of a tease, if that coy smile is any indicator
  1845. >You can't help but smile back
  1846. "I do not mind at all."
  1847. >You offer her the fork
  1848. >A golden aura forms around it, and it floats out of your hand
  1849. >You can't get over how fascinating that is to watch
  1851. >Celestia cuts off a bit of cake, daintily eating it and passing you the fork
  1852. >She speaks as you cut in
  1853. >"May I ask you something?"
  1854. "Certainly."
  1855. >"What is Earth like?"
  1856. >So she's curious too
  1857. >Nice
  1858. >If you can keep this about Earth, maybe she won't ask you about your powers
  1859. >And subsequently discover your lack thereof
  1860. "It is quite different from your kingdom. But not necessarily in a negative way."
  1861. >She tilts her head slightly, mane falling over one eye
  1862. >fuckthat'scute.jpg
  1863. >"Oh? Please elaborate."
  1864. "Our world is covered in human works, in our structures and creations. Nothing can oppose us on Earth, and compared to times long gone, there is very little we do not know of it. Here, in your kingdom, there is still wild, still mystery, still... Adventure. It is rather beautiful."
  1865. >The encyclopedia told you about the Everfree Forest and other places like it
  1866. >You eat your bit of cake, and offer her the fork back
  1867. >She asks another question as she cuts off her next piece
  1868. >"Tell me of your works. I would hear what wonders you have wrought."
  1869. >Fuck yeah
  1870. >You're a science major who loves his field
  1871. >Time to blow this princess' mind
  1872. >After some light teasing
  1873. "Oh? Do you believe your mind ready for the knowledge, Celestia?"
  1874. >You allow a small smile onto your fave to let her know you're just poking fun
  1875. >She smiles back, as she lifts up her piece of cake
  1876. >"My mind is open, and ready. Bless this lowly creation of humans with knowledge of what others you have created."
  1877. >Ah, that's right
  1878. >She's technically a human achievement
  1879. "Great constructs, of steel and glass and stone, reaching unto the sky itself. We have tamed lightning, and use it to power many of our more base creations, the great machines. We bend light, put measuring stick to the flow of time, and outrun sound."
  1880. >She sure as hell wasn't expecting that
  1881. >Her eyes are wide as she eats her bite of cake
  1882. >Her mouth seems to linger on the fork, as if sucking all the frosting off
  1884. >You continue
  1885. "You and your ponies are special, however. I'd never seen anything like you before I came here."
  1886. >She pulls the for from her mouth and passes it to you
  1887. >"It rather pleases me that we are unique among the works of your mighty race. And tell me Anonymous, what do you create?"
  1888. >Here it is
  1889. >You think you can pull this off
  1890. "I-"
  1891. >You're suddenly interrupted by a crackling over what must be the prison PA system
  1893. >...
  1894. >Fuck was that?
  1895. >Celestia's weirded out too, but shrugs it off
  1896. >"I'm sure it was nothing concerning us. Please continue."
  1897. >She's scooting her chair a little closer to yours
  1898. "As I was saying, creation is not my purview."
  1899. >She's confused at this
  1900. >"What?"
  1901. >Some humans, such as Faust, create. They spend their time creating things like your world. Others study what already exists, and how to manipulate it. I am one of these latter."
  1902. >It was kind of true
  1903. >Faust sounded like an artist of some sort
  1904. >And you were a scientist
  1905. >A third-year undergrad with not a published page to his name, but still a scientist
  1906. >Celestia's leaning against you now
  1907. >"/Most/ interesting... And that would be how you brought about those great feats you spoke of earlier?"
  1908. "Indeed. Your sister visits me in my dreams. If you desire proof, I shall simply show her."
  1909. >"Oh, I could never be so insolent as to doubt your word. And I am well aware of my sister's... /advances/ on you. She speaks often of it."
  1910. >...unsure of how to feel about that
  1911. >Celestia leans further into you, her voice down to a breathy whisper
  1912. >"So scandalous... Rubbing her belly, besting her in battle in her own territory with your mighty weapons, and then comforting her with sights of your world and a /kiss on the forehead/..."
  1913. >...Is this how Uncle Incognito sees horses?
  1914. >Because
  1915. >You mean
  1916. >Damn
  1917. >Luna was master of cute and the lip bite
  1918. >But her sister...
  1919. >That fucking smoldering stare is reducing you to jelly
  1921. >"It makes me happy that you would show such kindness to my overeager sister even after she pestered you so much. At one point, I was truly afraid that we could possibly anger you. But now... All I wish to know... Is what I have to do to be graced with your affections...?"
  1922. >Holy shit, this is fucking hot
  1923. >You've never had a girl come on this strong to you before
  1924. >But wait
  1925. >You're kind of already romancing her sister
  1926. >Is this okay?
  1927. >You're not exactly a paragon of virtue
  1928. >But you like to think you're a man of decent morals
  1929. >And this feels wrong
  1930. >You attempt to pull away from Celestia
  1931. >Keyword: attempt
  1932. >She simply leans all the more, maintaining bodily contact with you
  1933. "Celestia. If you already know that I care for Luna, then why do you still come courting?"
  1934. >She softly laughs
  1935. >"Because I do not think an existence such as yourself should be limited to a single outlet for his love."
  1936. >...
  1937. >Boner
  1938. >This is a terrible fucking time for you to show up
  1939. "A-And Luna agrees with that?"
  1940. >Shit
  1941. >Couldn't keep the stutter out of your voice
  1942. >A smug smile works its way onto her face
  1943. >She's making a /really/ convincing case
  1944. >You slowly get out of your seat and back up, finally breaking contact, except she's following you
  1945. >"Yes. At least, she will."
  1946. "You've not asked, then."
  1947. >"It simply slipped my mind. When she told me of all the things you did for her, I could contain myself no longer. I came here to do this. Obviously, learning more about you was a treat, but..."
  1948. >You've backed up against the edge of your bed, stumbling
  1949. >Before you can right yourself, she gives you a light push
  1950. >You fall onto it
  1951. >"...Not quite the treat I was looking for."
  1952. >She crawls onto your chest
  1953. >Fixing you with those eyes the whole time
  1954. >Your dong is at maximum expansion
  1955. >This is happening
  1956. >You're about to sink to the same depraved depths as your good old uncle
  1957. >So why are you looking forward to it so much?
  1958. >She's leaning in
  1959. >You can't help but start to lean up to meet her
  1961. >Your faces are inches apart-
  1962. >"Anon, you better be in here!"
  1964. >Both you and Celestia are startled by the sudden shouting
  1965. >Your door bursts open
  1966. >In barges an angry Brass Badge
  1967. >"Look, I know you can control yourself, but you can't just-"
  1968. >He sees you and your "guest"
  1969. >Dead silence
  1970. >"...Ah. Well. I see the princess found you. I'll, uh... I'll go now."
  1971. >He backs out of the room, closing the door behind him
  1972. >Goddammit Brass
  1973. >You took the mood and dropped a fucking nuke on it
  1974. >Celestia's beet red
  1975. >She must not have been expecting any interruptions
  1976. >Or she's just not into being public with her affections
  1977. >Either way, you're not letting this opportunity pass
  1978. >"W-Well... Shall we-eep!?"
  1979. >You flip the positions, pinning the horny pony princess under you as you straddle her belly
  1980. "I'll admit, you nearly had me there, Celestia. You and your sister's charms are quite effective on me."
  1981. >You lean in, getting a good look at her light-purple eyes
  1982. "However..."
  1983. >You run a hand up her belly
  1984. >The gasp that comes out of her mouth transforms your dick into a diamond rod
  1985. >You used to love making your ex-girlfriend make those same gasps
  1986. "I like to be on top."
  1987. >You keep rubbing, nothing like the brief tickling you gave Luna
  1988. >Celestia's head lays back, tongue lolling out of her mouth
  1989. "Now... Were you a good girl? Did you look into what brought me here?"
  1990. >"I... I-ah!-am personally leading... The investigation-mm!-High One... But..."
  1991. >She's gonna give you an ego trip if she keeps calling you stuff like that
  1992. >Doesn't mean you don't like it though
  1993. >She looks meekly up at you, equal parts lust and hurt in her eyes
  1994. >"Do you truly wish to leave us...?"
  1995. >You rub into her belly even harder
  1996. >She moans, throwing her head back again
  1997. "I must. If Luna related our conversation to you, you would understand my reasons."
  1998. >"B-But-! Ahh~!"
  1999. >You don't let her finish
  2000. >You're having a hard time convincing yourself you have to go home as it is
  2001. >Two princesses lusting after you plus godhood?
  2003. >Still, you couldn't keep this shit up forever
  2004. >They're bound to find out you're not actually a god sometime
  2005. >And then you'll be fucked
  2006. >Not in the sexy way, either
  2007. >You had to go home, back where you belong
  2008. >And hopefully graduate college despite the derailment this whole incident caused
  2009. >As sad as these two princesses would be...
  2010. >It had to be done
  2011. >Celestia musters up the willpower and effort to look at you again
  2012. >"I beg you to-unh!-reconsider! Stay with us! Luna and I-"
  2013. "Are lovely. The both of you. But I will not be shaken on this."
  2014. >Accept it
  2015. >Accept it
  2016. >For fuck's sake, just give up, Celestia
  2017. >You can't handle any more temptation
  2018. >Celestia leans back, sadness apparent on her face
  2019. >Success
  2020. >But at great cost to your conscience
  2021. >You lean in close
  2022. "Do not despair. For whatever short time I am here, I will give you all the affection you desire."
  2023. >Her eyes light up
  2024. >"T-Then... A kiss..."
  2025. >You can't help but smile
  2026. >Such an innocent thing to ask for
  2027. "Of course."
  2028. >You lean in, and gently meet her waiting lips
  2029. >She doesn't seem to initiate any tongue, so you don't either
  2030. >Maybe she's not into that
  2031. >Regardless, the kiss lasts until she finally breaks it, gasping from your continued assault
  2032. >"I... I can't... I'm going to..."
  2033. >Alright
  2034. >Think Anon
  2035. >What'd Brass say about where you shouldn't be touching ponies?
  2036. >...
  2037. >The nose was one
  2038. >Is it erogenous?
  2039. >Time to find out
  2040. "Do it. Succumb to the pleasure, Princess of the Sun."
  2041. >You bring one hand up
  2042. >And press it into her nose
  2043. >Her eyes roll into the back of her head as she squeals
  2044. >Round one is your victory
  2045. >She lies collapsed on your bed, panting
  2046. >You move over her and take her head into your lap, stroking her mane
  2047. >She coos at the extra attention, rubbing her cheek into your leg
  2048. >"T-Truly... I was unprepared... Such pleasure..."
  2049. >Heheheh
  2050. >She ain't seen nothing yet
  2051. >The sex hasn't even happened
  2052. >And it's gonna happen
  2053. >You're too turned on for it to not
  2054. "It's not over, Celestia. A moment's rest, then we continue."
  2056. >Celestia looks up at you, slightly confused
  2057. >"It's not...?"
  2058. >...
  2059. >Does she have no stamina? A one-n-done? All you did was foreplay at best
  2060. >Wait
  2061. >What if-?
  2062. "Celestia, how do ponies reproduce?"
  2063. >She turns beet red
  2064. >"H-How indeed... Well... Copulation...?"
  2065. >Alright
  2066. >So she knows what it is
  2067. >That's a start
  2068. "And you know how to perform it?"
  2069. >She averts her eyes, answering in a tiny voice
  2070. >"...belly rubs...?"
  2071. >...
  2072. >Faust
  2073. >Wherever you are
  2074. >This shit is ridiculous
  2075. >You can't just create an entire fucking world
  2076. >And have the populace reproduce through belly rubs
  2077. >Like
  2078. >How does that even-
  2079. "And that produces offspring...?"
  2080. >Her face is so hot she might light your pants on fire
  2081. >"Y-yes..."
  2082. >Alright, you've badgered her enough
  2083. "You rub her face comfortingly
  2084. "Forgive me. It is simply... Different from human ways."
  2085. >She shrinks a little
  2086. >"Did I displease you...?"
  2087. >Aw fuck
  2088. >Reel it in
  2089. "No, no. I was simply confused for a moment."
  2090. >"How do the humans do it? Do you-?"
  2091. "I'm familiar with it. I am more than happy to teach you, if you think you are ready."
  2092. >You're still horny as a high school freshman, but...
  2093. >You're no Bill Cosby, and you refuse to leave this world a criminal
  2094. >...well, you refuse to leave as a sex offender at any rate
  2095. >...Is public indecency a sex crime...?
  2096. >Whatever
  2097. >She has to be okay with it
  2098. >You look down at her, awaiting her response
  2099. >She's pretty clearly torn
  2100. >On one hand, she wants to find out what it's like
  2101. >On the other, she's worn out from the rubbing you gave her earlier
  2102. >Maybe the noseboop had something to do with it too
  2103. >Plus, from her point of view, you're essentially going to be enacting some freaky elder god rite of offering her body to you
  2104. >You'd be freaked out too
  2105. >Let's decide for her
  2106. "Never mind, Celestia. I can see that you are not ready."
  2107. >"What?! No, I can! I wish to-!"
  2108. >You place a finger over her lips
  2109. "We shall try another day. For now, rest."
  2110. >She relents, resting her head in your lap again
  2111. >"Can we at least cuddle?"
  2113. >Cuddle a giant, strangely attractive horse whose fur feels like sun-warmed velvet?
  2114. >Hell yeah
  2115. "Certainly!"
  2116. >You readjust yourself until your head is right next to hers, and pull her in tight
  2117. >She wraps her hooves around your chest and extends a wing over you both
  2118. >This
  2119. >This is great
  2120. >Time passes
  2121. >You're not sure how long
  2122. >Both of you were too content to care
  2123. >But she eventually makes a little sigh
  2124. >"I've been away too long. I should return to the castle."
  2125. "You sure?"
  2126. >She laughs lightly
  2127. >"I'm just as comfortable as you are, but yes, I must. This was lovely, Anonymous. Thank you."
  2128. "Call me Anon."
  2129. >Her cheeks turn a little red
  2130. >"Such an honor..."
  2131. "It's hardly an honor, Celestia. All those that I respect or care for may call me such."
  2132. >"T-Then... I shall visit you again soon, Anon."
  2133. >You both get up, and you open the door for her to leave the cell
  2134. >She turns to you
  2135. >"And when I do..."
  2136. >She leans in
  2137. >"/Teach/ me."
  2138. >She vanishes in another bright flash
  2139. >You're kind of ready for it this time
  2140. >After rubbing your eyes a bit, you try and figure out what to do next
  2141. >...
  2142. >Brass
  2143. >He walked in on you
  2144. >He's pretty bro-tier, but you can never be too sure
  2145. >Better go make certain he didn't tell anyone
  2146. >You head off down the hall towards his office
  2147. >You knock on the door upon arrival
  2148. >"Come in!"
  2149. >Open the door
  2150. >Brass makes eye contact with you and freezes
  2151. >"Anon! Uh... Er..."
  2152. "It's fine, Brass. Just don't tell anyone, yeah?"
  2153. >He shakes his head
  2154. >"Nobody'd believe me if I did anyway."
  2155. "Cool. So when's lunch?"
  2156. >He looks at you for a moment, then snickers
  2157. >"Anon, lunch ended half an hour ago!"
  2158. >You were cuddling Celestia that long?
  2159. "When's dinner?"
  2160. >"In five hours. You've got a long wait ahead of you, pal."
  2161. >Fuuuuuuuuuuuck
  2162. >At least you still had some leftover cake from your trip to the cooking club
  2163. "Alright... When you're done with whatever it is you're doing, can we go check out more clubs or something?"
  2165. >"Nope. No afternoon clubs. You've got about an hour and a half of post-lunch nap left, then all inmates to the courtyard for socialization and recess."
  2166. >...
  2167. >bruh.avi
  2168. >Recess?
  2169. >Fucking horseland
  2170. >If human prisons were like this maybe people would actually come out reformed
  2171. >...nah
  2172. >They'd just kill each other so they'd never have to leave
  2173. "Alright. I'll just hang around in my room 'til then."
  2174. >Brass gives you a look
  2175. >"Don't wander off this time."
  2176. "Aw, c'mon! Nothing even happened! I've been behaving!"
  2177. >Brass waggles his eyebrows
  2178. >"Yeah? You /behave/ well for the princess, too? She looked pretty in-control back there!"
  2179. >Whoa-ho
  2180. >This horse got a mouth on him
  2181. "I dunno about that. She was moaning pretty loud when I /booped her nose/."
  2182. >Brass turns a dark crimson
  2183. >"You- Wha- Anon! You can't seriously mean you did that to-"
  2184. "What's the matter Brass, never booped a mare's nose before? I guess it'd be hard to get it just right with those hooves. Me, on the other hand..."
  2185. >You waggle your fingers
  2186. >Brass just harrumphs through his embarrassment
  2187. >"G-Get outta here! Go back to your room!"
  2188. >Laughing, you take your leave
  2189. >Brass is alright
  2190. >He's a bit of a prude, but still cool
  2191. >And a veteran, if you understood his story correctly
  2192. >Raiding a "changeling hive" sounded like some army-type shit
  2193. >What are changelings, anyways?
  2194. >Put it in the stack of questions to ask Luna tonight
  2195. >You get back to your room and get out your phone out of habit, but stop
  2196. >You're only at 40%...
  2197. >Should you really use it?
  2198. >...no
  2199. >Save it
  2200. >Show it to Celestia next time she comes by, to prove your claims about human accomplishment
  2201. >She said she believed you without proof, but if you're gonna be a god, you're gonna be the kind that has cool relics
  2202. >Like a Daedric Prince
  2203. >Fuck, you miss games
  2204. >You decide to pick up the encyclopedia and read some more, just to kill time
  2205. >There wasn't much else of interest until you worked your way up to "Modern Era"
  2207. >"Elements of Harmony"
  2208. >Six ponies, who have supposedly put down a whole lot of bad guys
  2209. >Even Luna's crazy form and that chaos god you read about earlier
  2210. >Twice, in his case. The book also claims he's reformed now
  2211. >Why would he have to reform, though? The book makes him out to be nearly unstoppable
  2212. >Except for these six little ponies, apparently
  2213. >What do the Elements actually do?
  2214. >You continue musing as you start to look around for that slice of cake you had
  2215. >...strange, it should have been...
  2216. >It should have been right here, on your table!
  2217. >What happened!?
  2218. >You didn't take it anywhere
  2219. >And the only other living beings who knew you had it were the members of the cooking club and-
  2220. >...Celestia
  2221. >Goddammit
  2222. >You only had like two bites!
  2223. >When did she even take it?
  2224. >You're not /teaching/ her shit until she gets you another cake to make up for it
  2225. >She's a princess, she has to be able to do at least that much!
  2226. >Shit, this is the hungriest you've been in a while
  2227. >Right then, there's a knock on your door
  2228. "It's open!"
  2229. >In walks Brass
  2230. >"Time for recess, Anon. Let's go."
  2231. "Sure."
  2232. >You leave the open book where it lies, heading out the door with Brass
  2233. "So, everybody's gonna be out there, huh? Even those black-level inmates?"
  2234. >"Yep. The black-suits have their own sectioned off area, but they'll be out there. You really shouldn't try to socialize with them though."
  2235. "Isn't that the whole point of this?"
  2236. >"They aren't exactly the sociable type, Anon. They're more likely to say mean stuff about your mom and try to bully you into becoming their underling or something."
  2237. "Underling? So there's gangs in here?"
  2238. >"Kinda. Several black-suits have a small gaggle of lower-class criminals to sneak them extra pudding and whatnot."
  2239. >That pudding /was/ pretty good
  2240. "So, what are they all in for?"
  2241. >"Multiple counts of violence and hurt feelings, as a general rule. But there's special cases too."
  2243. "Special cases like what?"
  2244. >"Like griffon nobility. And a serial smacker."
  2245. "...A what...?"
  2246. >"A serial smacker, Anon. It's terrible business. He ran around smacking ponies for no reason. Sometimes he'd even get the same pony multiple times!"
  2247. >You try your hardest not to laugh
  2248. >You really do
  2249. >But a snicker escapes you
  2250. >Brass whips his head around at you, glaring
  2251. >You hold your hands up apologetically
  2252. "Sorry. But honestly, compared to some things that happen in my world, that's more a comedy act than anything."
  2253. >Brass just shakes his head
  2254. >"Remind me never to go to Earth."
  2255. "Yeah. You wouldn't like it there, bud."
  2256. >He looks at you curiously
  2257. >"All jokes aside, why do you make your home out to be so terrible? What could humans possibly fear?"
  2258. >...
  2259. >You don't have the heart to utter the words 'other humans'
  2260. >Everything's so soft and cuddly here
  2261. >And you're going to do your best to make sure it stays that way
  2262. >Still, he wants an answer, and just blowing it off doesn't seem right
  2263. >Let's tell a little story
  2264. "I can tell you a few tales, if you like."
  2265. >Brass' face takes on a wary look
  2266. >"Will it be anything like that injury story you told...?"
  2267. >You chuckle
  2268. >"Nah. These ones are better, and no nasty stuff. They're about old human heroes."
  2269. >You were a bit of a mythology buff
  2270. >He nods
  2271. >"Alright, I think I'll take you up on that, then."
  2272. >You reach the door leading out into the courtyard
  2273. >It's massive!
  2274. >And Brass wasn't kidding when he said /every/ inmate would be out here
  2275. "Cool. Let's find a spot to sit. It's a great day."
  2276. >"It really is! I bet the Princess is in a good mood today. /Wonder why/?"
  2277. >Waggle of the eyebrows
  2278. >This cheeky little git
  2279. >You'll miss him when you go
  2280. >The pair of you find a nice spot to sit out on the grass
  2281. >You're getting ready to start telling your story when you hear someone call your name
  2282. >"Anon!"
  2283. >Oh hey, it's Steel Magnolia!
  2284. >The others from the weight club are with her too
  2285. >"We've been trying to find you! Did you just come outside?"
  2287. "Yeah, sorry. I was busy."
  2288. >"It's okay! What are you doing? Do you want to hang out with us?"
  2289. "I was going to tell Brass some stories about my home. You guys want to listen?"
  2290. >General agreement
  2291. >Cool
  2292. >You took a moment to decide which particular story
  2293. >Most of the old Northern European stuff was good
  2294. >Just had to filter it a little bit...
  2295. >...
  2296. >Got it!
  2297. "Once, there was a group of humans called the Danes, and they had a King named Hrothgar, son of Healfdane..."
  2298. >Beowulf
  2299. >You couldn't remember the whole thing
  2300. >But you knew the important bits
  2301. >There was something for everybody
  2302. >Brass liked the idea of Hrothgar building a hall for himself and his friends
  2303. >The club was enjoying the description of the lavish parties thrown within the King of the Danes' great home
  2304. >And then you get to the interesting part
  2305. >Grendel
  2306. >You had to scale back the violence a little
  2307. >The original story has Grendel tearing 30 men apart and eating them
  2308. >You made it so he'd come in and pelt them with pillows randomly in the night
  2309. >Judging by the gasps, you think you left just enough "violence" to have the desired effect
  2310. >Everyone was indignant for the hall-dwellers, and scared of the idea of a lurking pillow-slinger
  2311. >Everything's going well, even other inmates passing by come and listen
  2312. >Time to build some drama
  2313. "And then, after the pillow attacks grew so savage that the Danes fled their great hall, and word spread wide across the North that Hrothgar had need of a champion... He came."
  2314. >Sand Stone leans in
  2315. >"Who came, Anon?"
  2316. >You lean in right back, your voice low and reverent for effect
  2317. "Beowulf."
  2318. >Widened eyes all around
  2319. "Champion of Hygelac! Pride of the Geats! Warrior known across all the cold North, and he came across the sea with a mighty host, to defeat the Demon of Heorot!"
  2320. >They're all hooked now
  2321. >Even more inmates wander over, hearing your raised voice
  2322. "Hrothgar greeted Beo ad gave him his blessing, promising to fill his ships with gold if he could drive Grendel from his hall!"
  2324. >A few dog-orc looking things get hella excited at that
  2325. >You'll ask Brass what they are later
  2326. "That night saw Beowulf come alone to Heorot. After hearing of the beast's savagery, he knew he could never expose his fellow men to such a foul creature."
  2327. >Somebody pipes up
  2328. >"Wait, he takes that thing on alone?!"
  2329. >Some gasps go up
  2330. >Fuck yeah
  2331. >You continue
  2332. >You explain about how Grendel hated the sounds of merriment and happiness, and that was why he'd attacked the Danes in the first place
  2333. >That affected your audience more than you thought it would
  2334. >There were genuine looks of horror in the audience
  2335. >Well, this place seems to literally run on sunshine and rainbows
  2336. >You guess that /would/ be pretty evil from their perspective
  2337. "Beo spent many an hour tending the fire, drinking and singing. And then, in the dead of night... He came at last. Terrible Grendel, come to see what fool dared make a home of the hall of the Danes."
  2338. >You raise your voice into a roar, doing your best monster imitation
  2339. "Who dares?! Who dares make merry in this hall?! Some fool Dane, who knows not the name of Heorot's new master?"
  2340. >You hop to the side, striking up a new stance and voice
  2341. >You play both sides in the epic battle, as Beowulf announces his identity and challenges Grendel to single combat for the hall
  2342. >Beo actually wrestled Grendel into submission in the original story, you think, so there isn't much alteration necessary
  2343. >You obviously won't tell them that Grendel gets his arm ripped off and dies
  2344. >But you think you've got a fitting alternate ending, with a little help from the movie adaptation
  2345. "Finally, Grendel caved! Fear gripped the monster's heart as he fled, never to return to Heorot. But curiosity compelled him to stop just before the door, and turn to face his unassailable foe a final time."
  2346. >Back in Grendel voice
  2347. "W-Who are you?! How can you be so strong?!"
  2348. >Beowulf mode
  2350. "I am Smacker... Whacker... Smasher... Wrassler. I am the Pillow in the Darkness, the Thrown Pie in the Night. Mine is Strength... and Friendship... and Power! I! AM! BEOWULF!"
  2351. >With a yell, you pantomime a big final hit on Grendel
  2352. >Crowd goes wild
  2353. "And so it was! our hero made good on his promise, and noble King Hrothgar made good on his! The Geat's ships were weighed down with treasure, and our hero claimed new glory, to be told of throughout the ages. This was not the last of Beowulf's great adventures, but that is a story for another day!"
  2354. >Round of applause
  2355. >You take a bow, and faintly hear a bell go off somewhere in the background
  2356. >"Alright, alright! That's enough! Time to head inside, everyone! Let's go!"
  2357. >Some guards start shepherding your audience inside
  2358. >Your weightlifting pals gather around
  2359. >"That was great, Anon! Will you tell some more stories tomorrow?"
  2360. "Sure. It was fun telling it to you guys."
  2361. >Steel Eye poses a question
  2362. >"So what was all that about Geets and Daynes, Anon? Humans have tribes?"
  2363. "A long time ago, yeah. They've mostly merged together now, though. Although the Danes are technically still around, the Geats merged with other local groups to become one big collective."
  2364. >Steel Magnolia eagerly joins in
  2365. >"What tribe are you, Anon?"
  2366. >Oh
  2367. >Uh
  2368. >'Merican?
  2369. >Naw, let's keep it mythical
  2370. "I descend from a group who called themselves the Celts. They lived a looooong time ago, about the same period as the Geats and Danes, but they go back even further I believe."
  2371. >"That's really cool! Minotaurs have clans too!"
  2372. >You spend a few more minutes chatting before the guards finally shoo you all inside
  2373. >After everyone goes their separate ways, it's just you and Brass
  2374. >"That was a cool story, Anon! And I think you were right. If your world has night-lurking, pillow-slinging monsters in it, I think I'd rather take a pass."
  2375. >You chuckle
  2376. "Told you, buddy. Earth's a crazy place."
  2377. >Your equine friend will never know the true reasons behind that statement
  2379. >Speaking of equine friends
  2380. >You had a hot date with the other princess tonight
  2381. >And Celestia's reaction during your "interview" got you thinking
  2382. >About alien pony physiology
  2383. >If you're gonna do lewd stuff to princesses, you're damn well gonna be good at it.
  2384. >Apparently you already were just with Brass' earlier unintentional advice, but a little studying could help
  2385. >And it'd be studying a subject you would actually retain
  2386. >Instead of trying to metaphorically swallow half a fucking textbook in a single night and hoping the information sticks
  2387. >You shudder
  2388. >Fucking finals week
  2389. >Why do you want to go back to Earth again?
  2390. >Oh yeah...
  2391. >Loved ones and responsibilities
  2392. >You straighten up a little with that thought
  2393. >All the more reason to shower your two new favorite princesses with all the affection they could stand while you were here
  2394. "Hey Brass, when's dinner? Do we have time to do something really quick?"
  2395. >"We've got a little bit. Why? I thought you were really hungry?"
  2396. >Jesus Tap-Dancing Christ
  2397. >The hunger comes back to you the moment he mentions it
  2398. >Yeah, forget the lewd study time for now
  2399. >Let's get grub
  2400. "It can wait until after dinner. I'm starving!"
  2401. >"Alright. Let's head over and wait for the cafeteria to open then."
  2402. >Away you go, down the halls, around the corners, and over several startled ponies
  2403. >Brass is doing his best to keep up, but hunger accelerates you to the speed of Kenyans
  2404. >You come to a skidding halt outside the cafeteria doors
  2405. >First in line, baby
  2406. >Brass trots up afterward, wheezing
  2407. >"How are you so fast on only two legs? That doesn't even make sense!"
  2408. "Quality over quantity, homie. Plus, humans have always been able to run a long way with decent speed."
  2409. >Until fast food
  2410. >"Sheesh... You really are some kind of god."
  2411. >You fucking wish
  2412. >You and Brass just bum around outside, othe inmates lining up behind you, until the doors finally open
  2413. >nyyyeeeessss.jpg
  2414. >Book your shit into line and pile the food onto your tray
  2415. >Head to a table and dig in
  2417. >Brass finds you shortly after and sits down
  2418. >You devour your food in the span of a few minutes, leaning back with a contented sigh
  2419. >After Brass finishes his, he looks over to you
  2420. >"What was it you wanted to do earlier?"
  2421. "I wanted to head back to the library and get another book."
  2422. >"Alright. You want to go right now?"
  2423. "Yeah."
  2424. >You both clean up and head out
  2425. >Brass questions you on the way
  2426. >"What are you going to get this time?"
  2427. "Book on pony physiology. I'm curious as to how you guys work."
  2428. >For a number of reasons
  2429. >Both sex related and non-sex related
  2430. >Brass grunts in acknowledgement
  2431. >The rest of the trip to the library is spent in easy silence
  2432. >Get in, get your book, and get out
  2433. >Head back to your cell
  2434. >"Hey, Anon."
  2435. "Yeah?"
  2436. >"...treat the princess well, okay?"
  2437. >You stop and face Brass, a little caught off-guard
  2438. "Well, yeah, of course. What brought this on?"
  2439. >He looks you in the eye, expression neutral
  2440. >"You likely didn't know this, but I'm a former Solar Guard. I served Princess Celestia up until a few years back. And although I don't have the honor of knowing the Princess on a personal level, I can tell you this: she's lonely, Anon. She's been lonely for most of her life. Her subjects don't count. We are naught but fleeting memories to her. There was a long period where she didn't even have her own sister to turn to. Now, I don't know how courtship would work between beings like you and the Princess, but just... treat her well. I figure you have plans to return to your own world, but just don't break Her Majesty's heart. Alright?"
  2441. >...
  2442. >He's right
  2443. >You got a little caught up in the flow when Celestia visited you
  2444. >You can't let it happen again
  2445. >You won't return the book just yet, but you should take it slower with the princesses
  2446. >You don't know anything about magic, but given that Celestia herself is looking into it, you imagine you'll have your way home soon
  2447. >And your parents were hard enough on you that they didn't raise a guy who smashes and dashes
  2449. "I won't, Brass. I'll be a little more mindful of what happens now. Thanks."
  2450. >Your chaperone nods approvingly
  2451. >You continue on towards your room
  2452. "So, out of curiosity, why'd you leave the guard? It sounded like you enjoyed it."
  2453. >"I did, for the most part. But... I dunno. You just reach a point where you get tired, Anon. Tired of having to deal with rowdy ponies and nobles, and other things no other ponies can handle. Tired of having to be brave every day. Granted, it didn't come for a long time. I was proud of what I was doing. Still am. I wore the golden armor for years. But the day eventually came. I just woke up one morning and knew I wanted out. So I left. Honorably discharged. Some talented young officer filled my post, and I took my pension and found a new job shortly after, here."
  2454. >You nod silently
  2455. >You aren't sure what to say, to be honest
  2456. >It sounds like Brass has seen some shit
  2457. >And you're willing to bet that just like any other sapient being who's ever seen some shit, he'd rather not talk about it too much
  2458. >The silence continues all the way back to your cell
  2459. "Thanks, Brass."
  2460. >"No problem, Anon. You know where my office is if you need something."
  2461. "Yeah. See ya tomorrow."
  2462. >He heads off as you enter your cell
  2463. >You check the time on a conveniently-placed wall clock
  2464. >7 PM on the nose
  2465. >You'll just read until you pass out, then get some time with Luna
  2466. >You hope to whatever horse gods exist that Celestia broached the subject of her "proposal" instead of leaving it to you, because that conversation would be awkward as fuck
  2467. >There's also the matter of:
  2468. >Yeah, Luna, I kinda pleasured your sister because she came on really strong and she said you'd probably be cool with it. You are, right?
  2469. >Better steel yourself, Anon
  2470. >Time to own your fuck-up
  2471. >You dive into your book on pony physiology but don't skip straight to the naughty bits
  2472. >Magic is really interesting
  2473. >And the subject of cutie marks is odd but fascinating
  2474. >A visual representation of your strong suit
  2476. >Brass Badge, naturally enough, has a badge
  2477. >...but how does that show what he's good at?
  2478. >How do you get "destined to join the Solar Guard and then run security at a prison" out of that?
  2479. >You couldn't see Warden's, she wears clothes that cover it
  2480. >Same for all the pony inmates
  2481. >Luna and Celestia had a moon and sun respectively
  2482. >So what's their talent, then?
  2483. >You can ask Luna tonight
  2484. >...if she's still willing to speak to you
  2485. >Is polygamy a standard thing here?
  2486. >You highly fucking doubt it
  2487. >The encyclopedia made no reference to it, from what you skimmed through of the various changes in culture
  2488. >Regardless, you're going to tell her what happened with Celestia
  2489. >For better or worse
  2490. >Moving on, let's look at magic
  2491. >...
  2492. >The jargon makes little to no sense
  2493. >There's no real description for what it actually /is/, just what it can do
  2494. >Some kind of force-carrying particle, generated by their horns?
  2495. >You've seen both Luna and Celestia use it
  2496. >You've even been struck by it
  2497. >But you still don't have a tangible idea of how it works
  2498. >Could Faust use it?
  2499. >But that doesn't make sense
  2500. >She was supposed to be human too
  2501. >So how did she create all this? What if this is some strange alternate universe where humans really /are/ gods, and you're the odd one out here?
  2502. >Fuck off brain, that's stupid
  2503. >Let's just set the magic aside for now
  2504. >You're working yourself into a fit, and you'd like to get to sleep quickly
  2505. >Might as well get to the naughty bits
  2506. >You flip through the book until you find what you're looking for
  2507. >...
  2508. >Why do they have fully formed genitalia if they reproduce through belly rubs?
  2509. >Pregnancy and delivery must be the same for mares as it is for women
  2510. >...
  2511. >Oh
  2512. >Ohhhh
  2513. >It's not that the belly rubs are sex for them, just that it triggers ovulation...
  2514. >Usually applied before sex
  2515. >That makes a hell of a lot more sense
  2516. >Compared to your earlier impression, anyway
  2517. >But why was Celestia confused then?
  2518. >Brass said she's been alone most of her life
  2519. >Did he mean...?
  2521. >...
  2522. >Jesus
  2523. >That's a long time to go without getting any
  2524. >Your dick feels physical pain at the thought
  2525. >Also explains why she was so eager
  2526. >And uninformed
  2527. >It's kind of cute actually, looking back
  2528. >But you won't be swayed by cuteness anymore
  2529. >If Luna's not down with Celestia's proposal, it's not going to happen
  2530. >You can only hope she forgives you
  2531. >You read a little more, and then set the book aside
  2532. >Let's bust out the phone
  2533. >Switch it on, and set some music
  2534. >Lay in your comfy-ass bed, and wait
  2535. >Sleep takes longer to come this time around
  2536. >You feel yourself starting to go, eventually
  2537. >You manage to get your phone turned off before it claims you
  2538. >...
  2539. >Back in your apartment again
  2540. >Do you really dream about this place so often, or has it just become a convenient setting for you and Luna?
  2541. >Regardless, you get up, exit your room, and enter the common area
  2542. >...
  2543. >Strange, she isn't here...
  2544. >What do?
  2545. >You flop down in your armchair
  2546. >Time passes, still no Luna
  2547. >Without a huggable Princess of the Night to distract you, it occurs to you how surreal this is
  2548. >You never had lucid dreams on Earth
  2549. >Let's have some fun with it while you wait
  2550. >The only question is, what should you do?
  2551. >Play vidya?
  2552. >Solid
  2553. >Actually, fuck playing, let's /live/ it
  2554. >What game though?
  2555. >Gotta keep in mind that Luna could show up anytime...
  2557. >You're Confident Vigilance, the Solar Guard!
  2558. >Everything had gone back to normal after you escorted that one sock-wearing weirdo to Canterlot Maximum Security
  2559. >You'd recovered from getting your feelings hurt, too!
  2560. >And for a day, everything stayed hunky-dory
  2561. >Now...
  2562. >*CRASH*
  2563. >"ABSOLUTELY NOT!"
  2564. >"Luna, be reasonable!"
  2565. >Now, you're just trying to stay out of the way of the ongoing catastrophe, and it's all you can do to avoid going deaf from the volume of the conversation
  2566. >If you could call it that
  2567. >The Sisters are arguing about something
  2568. >And whatever it is, it must be pretty serious, because Her Majesty Luna looks utterly terrifying!
  2569. >"Reasonable? REASONABLE?! Do not speak to me of reason! You encroach on him behind my back, lie to him in order to receive his affections, and then have the /gall/ to ask me if I'm willing to share? /After/ the fact?!"
  2570. >"He approves of me, sister! I'll not let you monopolize-"
  2571. >"Just because something doesn't go your way for once doesn't mean I have to cave to your ridiculous request to make it 'fair'! And I certainly will /not/ allow you to follow me into his dreams! It is /our/ realm, his and mine, and you've already spent enough time in his presence today, haven't you?!"
  2572. >"LUNA!"
  2573. >"NO!"
  2574. >The Sisters rush by you as you cower against the hallway wall
  2575. >S-Scary...
  2576. >You're on the verge of tears just from the sheer intensity of their voices!
  2577. >What could they be so angry about, to be so horrible to each other?!
  2578. >*sob*
  2579. >You're gonna go hide
  2581. >You are Anonymous, false god and stranger in a strange land
  2582. >Currently dreaming
  2583. >And you are having a fucking blast
  2584. >It started out simple enough
  2585. >You summoned up the power armor and minigun you'd used in your dream battle with Luna and went wandering the wasteland
  2586. >But you realized that you didn't have to limit yourself to one game
  2587. >So you spiced it up
  2588. >Mechs from Hawken
  2589. >If Luna was going to walk in on you during a dream, she was going to see some badass shit
  2590. >Like you destroying mechs
  2592. >You climbed into your mech of choice and fucking had at it
  2593. >Mowing down deathclaws, ghouls, raiders, and other mechs
  2594. >It was better than just roaming the wastes, but...
  2595. >You could do better
  2596. >Let's add...
  2597. >Fuck yeah, let's add the mutants from S.T.A.L.K.E.R. and Metro!
  2598. >Blind Dogs, Zombie Stalkers, Librarians, and other horrors appear from nowhere
  2599. >It's a fucking bloodbath now
  2600. >...
  2601. >You feel like that's a bad thing for some reason
  2602. >Are you forgetting something?
  2603. >...can't think of anything
  2604. >Whatever
  2605. >Shit gets a little crazy
  2606. >A group of Librarians coordinated to take your mech down
  2607. >As they crowded your fallen vehicle, slowly tearing the cockpit door open, your power armor rematerialized around you, now with a jetpack, and a power fist appeared on your hand
  2608. >Wait for it...
  2609. >Now!
  2610. >SHORYUKEN!
  2611. >You burst from your fallen machine, taking the head off of the first mutant abomination to look inside
  2612. >Your jetpack carries you a fair distance into the air, and you take the opportunity to look around
  2613. >Carnage
  2614. >Total, utter carnage
  2615. >And you're going to add to it
  2616. >You ditch the power fist, and materialize a gatling laser as you land
  2617. >lethegamesbegin.jpg
  2618. >You're charged by the mutants, and you tear into them with your weapon
  2619. >It's like your battle with the dream guards, except no one is spared
  2620. >Wave after wave of mutants are reduced to particle dust by your gatling laser
  2621. >The last Librarian falls to ground mere feet from you
  2622. >These fleshy mongrels were no match
  2623. >Let's get a /real/ challenge up in this bitch
  2624. >A shockwave rocks the ground as a Reaper lands
  2625. >Geth drop ships fill the sky as the Old Machine turns it great red "eye" to you
  2626. >You are Commander Shepard, and this is your favorite dream ever
  2628. >You are Confident Vigilance again
  2629. >Things are still pretty scary here
  2630. >You're hiding in the barracks with other guards
  2631. >Canterlot Palace is rumbling
  2632. >Literally
  2633. >The sisters are fighting up there
  2634. >Hurling pillows with enough force to bruise!
  2635. >The horror!
  2636. >You need a new job
  2637. >The minutes tick on, seemingly without end
  2638. >...oh!
  2639. >It sounds like things have quieted down up in the palace!
  2640. >Maybe the sisters made up?
  2641. >Happy day!
  2642. >...you think you'll wait a bit before heading up to check though
  2644. >Back to being Anon
  2645. >You are laying waste to the Geth, evading beam fire from the Reaper as you do so
  2646. >It's not even remotely Mass Effect, though
  2647. >It honestly resembles something out of Dynasty Warriors
  2648. >You careen through the Geth hordes on your jetpack, still wearing your power armor, destroying all in your path with a super sledge
  2649. >When you get a big cluster of them together, you rise up and fire the Experimental MIRV into them
  2650. >Real, nuclear ammo this time
  2651. >Your kill count is genocide
  2652. >And the Reaper's next
  2653. >You change direction, making a beeline for the robo-squid
  2654. >It's big red eye lights up, and you do a mid-air barrel roll out of the way just in time as a red beam rips through the air next to you
  2655. >You feel kinda sick from the maneuver, but press on
  2656. >It'll take a few seconds to charge the next shot
  2657. >By that time, you'll have reached it
  2658. >The Geth put up a screen of fire as you fly towards it
  2659. >Bits of power armor are blown off whenever a hit is made, but you make it through
  2660. >You hover in air, taunting it
  2661. >The eye lights up again
  2662. >You fire the MIRV
  2663. >All eight mini-nukes impact in and around the big red light, and the Reaper reels from the damage
  2664. >But it's still up
  2665. >You quickly descend, finding an area with minimal Geth
  2666. >After sledging the shit out of the stragglers, you turn and face the reaper again
  2667. >...odd, you thought you felt something there...
  2668. >Like the dream was altered somehow
  2669. >But you didn't will anything...
  2670. >OH SHIT
  2671. >Dodge to the side in the nick of time, as another beam cuts the ground next to you
  2672. >No time to think! You need a bigger gun!
  2673. >What's a really big gun?!
  2674. >...
  2675. >GOT IT!
  2676. >Fallout always has the answer
  2677. >You discard your other weapons, and will Euclid's C-Finder into your hand
  2679. >Time to put this fucking squid in its place
  2680. >Line it up
  2681. >Pull the trigger
  2682. >The targeting laser goes out
  2683. >...
  2684. >No connection?!
  2685. >Do you have to visualize the satellite too?!
  2686. >FUCK!
  2687. >Dodge again
  2688. >That one was so close it kinda melted parts of your armor plate
  2689. >Shit
  2690. >What would an orbital solar weapon even look like?
  2691. >Thinking cap on
  2692. >Solar panels, battery to store the energy from the panels, something to create the light from said energy, something to focus the light into a beam...
  2693. >All of that at geosynchronous orbit
  2694. >C'mon brain, you got this!
  2695. >You take to the air and retreat away from the Reaper, avoiding another beam
  2696. >You have a little less luck avoiding the Geth shots this time
  2697. >Part of your helmet is gone, and chunks of the chest piece
  2698. >You holster the C-Finder and rematerialize your super sledge, to buy yourself some time
  2699. >You come down right on top of a group of the robotic soldiers, and set to work
  2700. >Metal heads, arms, and entire torsos go flying as you hammer out a temporary Geth-free zone
  2701. >Alright, that'll do
  2702. >You're out of the Reaper's sight line, but it knows where you are from the Geth's collective intelligence
  2703. >You don't have much time
  2704. >Close your eyes and focus
  2705. >...
  2706. >You feel the dream slowly start to bend as you finalize the details of the satellite in your mind
  2707. >...it is done?
  2708. >Only one way to find out
  2709. >Right on cue, the Reaper looms into view, eye shining and ready
  2710. >You line up your shot and pull the trigger
  2711. >Laser goes out...
  2712. >...c'mon...
  2713. >Yes! Coordinates received! Here it comes!!
  2714. >The Reaper's eye lights up-
  2715. >Right as a column of light slams into it from above
  2716. "SUCK IT!"
  2717. >You shout it triumph as the Reaper burns and melts, finally collapsing to the ground
  2718. >The Geth topple over where they stood, crippled by the Reaper's defeat
  2719. >You might not be an actual god, but you sure feel like one right now
  2720. >You test your power armor's jetpack
  2721. >Still functions
  2722. >You fly up into the air, and look down at the scene you've created
  2724. >Hell of a night
  2725. >...and Luna's still not here?
  2726. >Shame, maybe she's busy
  2727. >You come back down to the ground, and will away your armor
  2728. >"Anon!"
  2729. >Oh!
  2730. >A blue, winged mass practically dive-bombs into you with a hug
  2731. >"I observed your battle! Incredible! But what were those things? The giant one was horrific!"
  2732. >Luna's here
  2733. >Fancy speech engage
  2734. "They were constructs, assembled from metal. I was merely entertaining myself while you were away."
  2735. >"C-constructs? Humans /build/ such things?"
  2736. >Not in real life, but kind of
  2737. "Yes. We have grown very skilled at creating."
  2738. >"And do you create, as well?"
  2739. "Only in dreams. My skills are better suited to other things. But tell me, what kept you tonight?"
  2740. >You were genuinely curious
  2741. >She hesitates
  2742. >"...you were visited by my sister today, correct?"
  2743. >...here we go.
  2744. "Yes. And I assume she was not telling the whole truth about your being open to her 'idea'?"
  2745. >Luna does a double-take
  2746. >"I- well- yes, actually. That saves me some explanation. Good."
  2747. >She's silent for a moment
  2748. >"May we sit?"
  2749. >You wordlessly nod, and you both take a seat on the ground across from each other
  2750. >"Anonymous. I am unsure of how human customs work, but... Would you say- that is, do you consider us to be-"
  2751. "Together?"
  2752. >Her face takes a tinge of red
  2753. >"Yes. Do you?"
  2754. "Luna. We've spoken of this."
  2755. >"I know! But, then-! But you kissed me! Right next to my horn! I thought- I assumed-"
  2756. >You reach forward and grab one of her front hooves
  2757. "I did indeed. And I do feel that way towards you. Yet the point I made the second night still stands. I have every intention to leave. But, as I said to your sister earlier, I shall give you all the attention you desire before I go. If you want for that to extend only to you, then so be it."
  2758. >Her hoof squeezes your hand
  2759. >You still have no idea how that's possible
  2760. >"You give me priority over Celestia...?"
  2761. >That clearly means a lot to her
  2762. >She likely has a complex
  2764. >You just nod, squeezing her hoof in return
  2765. >She takes a breath, and smiles
  2766. >"You words cheer me, Anonymous."
  2767. "Just call me Anon."
  2768. >"I-if you insist... Anon!"
  2769. >She springs forward, tackling you to the ground and nuzzling you
  2770. >You laugh and nuzzle her right back
  2771. >The pair of you just remain there on the ground for a while, before Luna breaks the silence
  2772. >"I hope that this business with Celestia does not make you think any less of her, Anon. She is... Were I in her position, I cannot promise I would not do the same."
  2773. "What is it about me that has the pair of you enamored?"
  2774. >Another thing you were seriously curious about
  2775. >You were a scruffy-ass college student who hadn't shaved in days
  2776. >GQ front cover material you were not, but you had two alien princesses all over you
  2777. >Luna responds, looking off at the ruined hulk of the Reaper as she answers
  2778. >"We are immortal, my sister and I. We have seen every successive generation of ponies age and pass on. They cannot provide us the companionship we seek. But you..."
  2779. >She turns back to look at you
  2780. >"Humans are a higher existence than even we. Ageless like us, with powers beyond ours. What more could we desire?"
  2781. >Dear sweet god
  2782. >That bar's set so high you need a fucking pair of binoculars to see it
  2783. >You can't be certain about how you age here, but you know for damn sure that you don't have any powers
  2784. >Unless you count super strength, but that's just a matter of their perception
  2785. >You were apparently resistant to magic too, but still
  2786. >Far from the badass elder god Luna wanted you to be
  2787. >Let's see if we can steer the subject away from you
  2788. >You wrap your arms around Luna and squeeze a bit, to which she hums happily
  2789. "I have some more questions, if that's alright. And a request."
  2790. >"Of course! Anything you'd like to know, and anything you desire!"
  2791. "Please don't read my mind any longer. Relations are built on respect, and I ask you respect the privacy of my thoughts."
  2792. >She nods hurriedly.
  2793. >"I swear it!"
  2794. "As for my questions, I was reading about cutie marks and what they mean. What does yours symbolize? What is your talent?"
  2795. >"My talents are twofold, dream walking and maintaining the moon's orbit!"
  2796. >...
  2797. >Aaaaaaand that bar is now in fucking orbit
  2799. >Wait
  2800. >If Luna moves the moon
  2801. >Then does Celestia...?
  2802. "And your sister?"
  2803. >You manage to keep the rising nervousness out of your voice
  2804. >"Celestia handles the sun!"
  2805. >...welp
  2806. >You can never, EVER allow them to find out that you're just some guy
  2807. >You aren't sure what'll happen if they do, but you have some ideas, and they all involve being thrown into space
  2808. >Or the sun
  2809. >How does that even work? How can it be that these two are so powerful that they can move /celestial bodies/ with, presumably, their magic?
  2810. >That's scary as hell
  2811. >...next question
  2812. "Fitting, considering your names. And what are changelings?"
  2813. >She tilts her head
  2814. >niggathat'skawaii.jpg
  2815. >"Changelings are frightening creatures. They shape shift in order to impersonate ponies, feeding off of the love others hold for them. We have suffered much at their hooves in the past. Why do you ask?"
  2816. "The guardspony assigned to me, Brass Badge, made some mention of them. I was curious."
  2817. >She nods, thinking nothing more of it
  2818. >"May we ask some questions of you, in exchange?"
  2819. >Alright
  2820. >Tread lightly, Anon
  2821. "Certainly."
  2822. >She smiles
  2823. >"Last night, you showed me a human city, but said it was not your home. What is your home like, then? I'd love to see!"
  2824. >You could never refuse that enthusiasm
  2825. "Sure!"
  2826. >You sit up, bringing Luna's front half to rest on your lap like the first time you did this
  2827. >Close your eyes
  2828. >Let's think
  2829. >You want to keep up the godly image, and you can't be certain how she'll react to there being seven billion humans on Earth
  2830. >Let's just stick with natural scenery for now
  2831. >You materialize your bed beneath you and Luna
  2832. >Then close your eyes and focus on Mt. Hood
  2833. >When you open them, the sight that meets you takes your breath away, just like every other time you've seen it
  2834. >Pristine white slopes, covered in trees, fall away as the tall mountain gives way to the valleys and lesser ranges in the distance
  2835. >You turn and look to see the peak of the mountain higher above, spearing a single cloud on its tip
  2837. >Luna's speechless for a moment, then manages to breathe out a single word
  2838. >"...lovely..."
  2839. "It sure is."
  2840. >She looks around in all directions, taking the view in
  2841. >"And you lived here?"
  2842. "No, haha, not quite. I live in a region far to the west of the city you saw last night, and further west still from here.This mountain is a notable landmark in my home. Where I actually lived was..."
  2843. >You close your eyes
  2844. >Images of home come freely
  2845. >But no
  2846. >You got away with D.C. because it was an important place on Earth and therefore it was understandable for it to be large, but you'd have to limit how many other cities you showed her to keep up the layer of mysticism
  2847. >Your hometown isn't exactly huge, but it's sure to raise some uncomfortable questions
  2848. >Let's use your grandma's house, out in the boonies
  2849. >You open your eyes, and find yourself in a familiar living room with a view of a river
  2850. >Luna eagerly hops up
  2851. >"Is this it? Your home?"
  2852. >As close as you can ever show her, yeah
  2853. "Yes."
  2854. >She immediately starts investigating the house
  2855. >You chuckle, then get up and follow
  2856. >There's paintings and photographs all over the house, Luna eagerly examining each
  2857. >"These are well-made, Anon! Did you paint these?"
  2858. "No. A relative of mine made them. As I mentioned, my skills lend themselves to pursuits other than creation."
  2859. >"Do you have a large family, then? You mentioned an aunt last night."
  2860. >A mistake, in hindsight
  2861. >You should have kept quiet about your family, making it seem like you'd just always existed, like an actual higher power
  2862. >Ah well, too late
  2863. "I do indeed. I've not seen many of them in a long time, though."
  2864. >College sucks like that
  2865. >Luna continues moving through the house, checking out every room until she comes to the bedroom, in which she takes a running dive onto the bed
  2866. >Thankfully your grandma had a memory foam mattress
  2867. >How do you explain a god having a shittier bed than you?
  2868. >Luna rolls all around the bed, enjoying the feeling
  2870. >She makes a comment on the bed
  2871. >"A strange material... Not as soft as cloud, and yet I cannot say it is inferior. What is it?"
  2872. "Memory foam. It's essentially elastic material interwoven with soft fabric, if memory serves."
  2873. >Pure bullshit, you had no fucking idea
  2874. >But you couldn't afford to appear ignorant on anything from Earth
  2875. >You had a princess to impress
  2876. >"An interesting idea..."
  2877. >She ceases her rolling, stretches out, and pats the spot next to her
  2878. >"You needn't stand, Anon."
  2879. >You're only too happy to accept
  2880. >You flop onto the bed, and Luna scoots in close, laying a hoof and wing across you
  2881. >This
  2882. >This is nice
  2883. >You wrap an arm around her in return, and you both just lay like that for a while
  2884. >She eventually breaks the comfortable silence
  2885. >"May I see more?"
  2886. "You hardly need to ask at this point, Luna. What do you want to see?"
  2887. >"Your kin and friends, for one. For you to wish to return home for their sake, you must love them a great deal. Additionally... I have enjoyed everything you've shown me so far, but... I want to see more of /you/, Anon. More of the tale that is your life, not merely the backdrops to it. "
  2888. >...you don't deserve this
  2889. >This interest, this earnest affection
  2890. >But you can't find the steel in yourself to say no
  2891. >Not after taking a look into those teal eyes
  2892. >Plus, you honestly don't want to see her sad anymore
  2893. >Not after that shit you read in the encyclopedia
  2894. >Nothing for it then, but you will have to make some...
  2895. >Embellishments
  2896. "Alright. What would you like to see first?"
  2897. >"Whatever you wish to show me first."
  2898. >Crap
  2899. >You were hoping she'd put some thought into that question, so you could have more time to think
  2900. >Whatever
  2901. >Let's lead off with your parents
  2902. >You shut your eyes, but rather than change the whole scene, you just summon up a person
  2903. >Or rather the image of that person
  2904. >Your dad, or his younger self at least, to keep up the illusion
  2905. >You take after him a great deal
  2906. >Luna notices too
  2907. >"Would this be your father?"
  2908. "It is."
  2910. >"The resemblance is apparent."
  2911. >You chuckle
  2912. >You wish you could show her his 5 brothers
  2913. >The family resemblance was crazy
  2914. >"What realm does he preside over?"
  2915. >There's what you were afraid of
  2916. >Still, you were somewhat prepared
  2917. "He presides over space."
  2918. >Luna looks back at you, awed
  2919. >"As in, the void? The realm of stars?"
  2920. "Ah, no. As in, perceived space. For example, the lack thereof between you and I."
  2921. >You give her a little squeeze
  2922. >She giggles
  2923. >You elaborate a little
  2924. "My father could move several thousand pounds of matter from one point to another."
  2925. >Luna's eyes widen
  2926. >You knew that much weight would be a big deal, considering the reaction you got in the weight room earlier
  2927. >It wasn't exactly a lie, either
  2928. >He worked as a truck driver now, hauling freight
  2929. >You just took inspiration from that
  2930. >"T-truly? In an instant?"
  2931. "Indeed."
  2932. >Not really, but the truth wasn't as impressive
  2933. >"And your mother?"
  2934. >You conjure up her image too, next to your dad's
  2935. "She is among the humans that create things, like Faust."
  2936. >Your mom's the head of graphic & web design at an insurance company
  2937. >Luna perks up at that
  2938. >"Did she create a world like ours?"
  2939. >Do webpages count?
  2940. "Yes, but less complex. She also made some of the paintings you saw around the house."
  2941. >Luna examines your mom with new appreciation
  2942. >"What about you?"
  2943. >She's been working up to this question
  2944. >Here it is, Anon
  2945. >The big one
  2946. >What should you-
  2947. >Before you can finish your thought, the dream starts rumbling
  2948. >Luna's still looking at you expectantly
  2949. >You shoot her a grin
  2950. "Next time!"
  2951. >She pouts
  2952. >You know just the thing to cheer her up, though
  2953. "Don't be like that, I have something else for you."
  2954. >"Oh? What?"
  2955. >You lean in and lock lips
  2956. >She squeaks, paralyzed for a moment, then melts into you
  2957. >You run a hand up her belly as you break the kiss, smiling down at her blushing face
  2958. "See you tonight, Luna."
  2959. >...
  2960. >Back in your cell
  2961. >Luna still likes you, and massive dream battles were had
  2962. >10/10 night
  2963. >Check phone
  2964. >7:38
  2966. >Hop out of bed, reflecting on that dream you just had
  2967. >You gotta work on your self-control
  2968. >As fucking ravishing as Luna is, every little display of affection will only make it worse when you have to leave
  2969. >Or when your throne of lies crumbles on itself, whichever happens first
  2970. >And if you don't come up with a solid story on what your "domain" as a god is, it's gonna be the latter
  2971. >Get cleaned up and ready
  2972. >There's a knock on the door
  2973. "Ay, Brass. Come in."
  2974. >In he comes
  2975. >"Good morning Anon. All set?"
  2976. "Yup. Let's go eat."
  2977. >As you walk over, you ask him a question
  2978. "Hey, what do you know about Discord?"
  2979. >"About as much as anyone else. He's the god of chaos, and up until a few years ago he was a huge threat to Equestria."
  2980. >Sounds pretty metal, if he's anything like the chaos gods you've heard of
  2981. >But you doubt that
  2982. >This is soft, cuddly pony land
  2983. "Was?"
  2984. >"Yup. He claims to be reformed now. Hangs out with the Elements of Harmony, or so the rumors go."
  2985. "But why, though? Can he really be trusted? From what I read in that encyclopedia it sounded like he really got a kick out of making life suck for ponies."
  2986. >"Couldn't tell you, wasn't there. Maybe the powers of harmony finally got to him. Either way, the princesses seem to believe that he's genuinely turned over a new leaf."
  2987. >...well, if they say so
  2988. >It's none of your business anyways
  2989. >The pair of you arrive at the cafeteria and get in line, chatting it up still
  2990. "So do you have to follow me around the whole time I'm here?"
  2991. >"Not necessarily. Warden just wanted me to follow you around until you got settled. Which you are, but as long as I'm following you around, I can get out of doing real work for a while!"
  2992. >You both chuckle
  2993. "What about all that paperwork you had to do the other day? You just get an underling to do it for you?"
  2994. >"Nope, it's already done! And that was all I had to do for the week, too."
  2995. >Damn
  2996. >That's an easy job if you can do a week's worth of work in a single night
  2997. >You're struck with an idea
  2999. >After you get your food and grab a seat, you begin pitching it
  3000. "Hey Brass, do prisoners ever get to go outside the prison? Like, on a trip into town?"
  3001. >"Sometimes! Only the ones with good behavior, though."
  3002. >Nice
  3003. >You're getting in on this
  3004. >You haven't seen much of this place aside from the Day Court, the road to the prison, and the prison itself
  3005. "Can I go on the next one?"
  3006. >Brass raises a hoof to his chin, scratching
  3007. >"...I don't think so. Usually it's only oranges and grays allowed out of the prison. Also, you've got violence and p-public indecency on your record."
  3008. >Fuuuuuck
  3009. >But you've been on your best behavior ever since!
  3010. "C'mon, Brass! Can't you vouch for me? Actually, can't we just get Warden to approve the whole thing? She thinks I'm cool, right?"
  3011. >Before you can get your answer, he's interrupted
  3012. >"Hey, Anon!"
  3013. >It's the weights club!
  3014. "Morning, guys!"
  3015. >There's not quite enough space at one table, so you put two together
  3016. >Steel Eye pats you on the back as he takes the other seat next to you
  3017. >"Ready to pump some iron?! We're excited to see what you can do today!"
  3018. "Hell yeah, dude! Let's do it."
  3019. >You get some odd looks before you remember that no one understands what that means
  3020. "Human phrase. It means 'heck yeah!'"
  3021. >Everybody's all smiles again
  3022. >Gotta remember to check the language
  3023. >One of the griffons pipes up
  3024. >"That's another thing bro. Where are humans from?"
  3025. >Q&A time
  3026. >You spend breakfast answering questions about yourself between bites of food
  3027. >Eventually everybody finishes up and you start walking to the weight room
  3028. >"One more thing, Anon. What are you in for?"
  3029. >Aw fug
  3030. >It's Steel Magnolia asking
  3031. >The crime that got you in here is embarrassing, if anything
  3032. >You'll just tell her-
  3033. >"He got in for wearing socks in public, then got his sentence extended for assaulting guards."
  3034. >Goddammit Brass!
  3035. >Incredulous laughter everywhere
  3036. >You turn and glare at your chaperone, who just gives you a raised eyebrow and a troll smile
  3037. >This little mofo right here
  3039. "Was that really necessary?"
  3040. >"Brass thinks for a moment
  3041. >"Oh, I forgot! He didn't just wear socks in /any/ old public place, no sir! He showed up in Day Court wearing them!"
  3042. >Incredulous laughter intensifies, some whoops go up
  3043. >You'll get him for this
  3044. >Sand Stone chimes in
  3045. >"Must've been trying to impress the princess, eh Anon? Had a petition you really needed to win? Hahahaha!"
  3046. >Someone else calls from the back of the group
  3047. >"She says that, but she wants to see you in socks too, big guy!"
  3048. >Sand Stone turns beet red, whirling to face the group
  3049. >"Who said that?!"
  3050. >You can't help but join in the laughter too, this time
  3051. >These guys seem like fun, now that you're "in"
  3052. >Arrive at the weight room
  3053. >You're actually pretty excited
  3054. >Even if you can't go too high in weight, it'l feel good to work out again
  3055. >Everybody files into the room and drifts among the machines, getting right to it
  3056. >You follow the minotaurs, since the equipment they use fits you best
  3057. "What are you guys doing today?"
  3058. >"Legs!"
  3059. >...How?
  3060. >Their legs look like they're mostly bone...
  3061. >You keep your doubts to yourself for now, but you get the feeling that this will be weird to watch
  3062. >Steel Eye goes first
  3063. >Everything looks normal so far
  3064. >Squat rack looks the same as the ones you've seen back on Earth
  3065. >The bar looks the same as the one on the bench, which felt like a standard 45-pounder
  3066. >...It's gonna be the stance
  3067. >You just know it
  3068. >He gets in under it, and lifts off
  3069. >Trap stands behind him to spot
  3070. >Squares up, and...
  3071. >He goes down into the first rep
  3072. >You were right about the stance
  3073. >Shit's weird man
  3074. >Although, it makes sense given that they have an entirely different leg structure
  3075. >He finishes his set
  3076. >Trap and Magnolia finish theirs, with you spotting Magnolia
  3077. >Your turn
  3078. >"How much do you want Anon?"
  3079. >"Load 135, for now."
  3080. >They don't have much weight, so you'll keep it light
  3081. >Yet despite your best efforts, you still get an awed look
  3082. >"Right off the bat? Anon, you gotta warm up!"
  3083. "It's fine, guys."
  3085. >They look at each other for a second, but do as you say
  3086. >You get in, and lift the bar off the rack
  3087. >No problems so far
  3088. >Set your stance, and get started
  3089. >First set goes by with no problems, and you return the bar to its resting place
  3090. >Turn around to see a hyped-looking trio of minotaurs behind you
  3091. >Trap speaks up
  3092. >"That was awesome, man! A plate right off the bat! How do you do it?"
  3093. "Chocolate milk and hyper-regeneration!"
  3094. >Trap looks at Eye and Magnolia
  3095. >"We gotta start drinking chocolate milk!"
  3096. >Heheheheh
  3097. >Wait, do minotaurs drink cow milk, or...?
  3098. >Your eyes drift to Magnolia's prodigious chest
  3099. >No
  3100. >Down, junior
  3101. >Think of Luna
  3102. >That just made it worse
  3103. >It takes a couple minutes, but you manage to get your partial chub under control before the next set
  3104. >Crank that one out too
  3105. >You up weight as you continue sets, much to the accolade of your fellows
  3106. >Other club members gather to watch as you lift off with 185 for your third
  3107. >Apparently the maximum weight they had
  3108. >You'll make a petition or something for more when you get the chance
  3109. >Crank out your final set, to cheers
  3110. >Feelin' like a boss
  3111. >You step out from under the bar
  3112. "You guys done?"
  3113. >Magnolia responds
  3114. >"Yep! Leg press next!"
  3115. >Again, how
  3116. >You go to remove your weight from the bar
  3117. >Still feeling pumped from all the attention, you remove all the weight from the end at once
  3118. >*WHACK*
  3119. >Bar to the chin
  3120. >The difference in weight on the ends was too much
  3121. >You drop the weights on reflex, one of them striking your toes
  3122. >You immediately fall to one knee, barely containing the vitriolic stream of curses from flowing out of your mouth
  3123. >The room is suddenly chaos
  3124. >"Anon hurt himself! Call the nurse!!"
  3125. >"Human down!"
  3126. >"Did he break his foot?!"
  3127. >"That looked so painful! His poor chin!"
  3128. >You find yourself on a stretcher, being carried by Brass and another guard before you can even get a handle on what's going on
  3129. >A few of the weights club members are running along with you, panicking all the way
  3131. >Be Brass Badge, sitting outside the nurse's office sometime later
  3132. >Most of the members of the weightlifting club are with you, worrying themselves silly
  3133. >They don't know Anon like you do
  3134. >Certainly, that looked like it really hurt
  3135. >But considering what he really is you're sure that he'll be up and walking again before Luna raises the moon
  3136. >You can't help but shudder a little bit
  3137. >Something like that would normally leave a grown pony bedridden for days
  3138. >The nurse, Caring Touch, comes out
  3139. >She's a nice young mare. Just a few years out of Canterlot University
  3140. >"Overseer, he's ready for visitors."
  3141. >A few members of the club make to enter, but you cut them off
  3142. "You'll all just make more commotion. Head back to the weight room, I'll be by with an update on how he's feeling."
  3143. >There's a bit of discontent, but they give in under your unflinching stare
  3144. >Just another skill you've honed over years in the guard
  3145. >You turn and head inside, following the nurse
  3146. >Part of what you said was true
  3147. >The other part was that you knew they'd be freaked out by how well Anon is no doubt taking this
  3148. >And as the nurse pulls back the curtain from his bed, you can see that you were right
  3149. >"Hey Brass."
  3150. "Hey Anon. How do you feel?"
  3151. >"Pretty stupid, to hurt myself like that. But fine otherwise."
  3152. "Glad to hear, pal. How long until he can be released, Nurse Touch?"
  3153. >Caring Touch glances between you and Anon, then speaks
  3154. >"May I talk to you privately, Overseer Badge?"
  3155. >You don't like when ponies address you like that, it sounds kinda goofy
  3156. >But you nod, and follow over to her desk after she redraws the curtain around Anon
  3157. >"Sir, what am I dealing with?"
  3158. >...oh boy
  3159. >"What makes you ask that?"
  3160. >"He didn't shed a single tear this whole time, sir. Not one. Tears are perfectly natural and to be expected when somepony goes through something like that, but he... He just asked when he could leave. Polite as you please. He even tried to walk on his injured foot! What is he?"
  3161. >You consider your response
  3163. "He's what's called a human, Nurse. They're incredibly durable by nature. What you just described is normal behavior for him."
  3164. >Caring Touch just looks at the floor, mulling over what she just heard
  3165. >"Perhaps, but... I'd like to keep him in the infirmary for a day."
  3166. >That's not too bad
  3167. >You won't get to hang out with Anon for a day, but it'll be alright
  3168. "That's fine, Nurse. I'll come by tomorrow to collect him."
  3169. >She nods
  3170. >"Thank you sir. He's in capable hooves."
  3171. >She turns and heads back over towards your charge's bed
  3172. >Well, he's technically your charge, but it feels weird to refer to an elder deity as a subordinate figure
  3173. >She draws back the curtain
  3174. "Hey Anon, the nurse says-"
  3175. >"I'm in for the rest of the day, right? The curtain doesn't really shut out noise."
  3176. >Well then
  3177. "Yep. Don't worry, you'll be brought meals. I'll come by and get you tomorrow morning."
  3178. >"Sounds good, Brass. Sorry to worry you. Also, what do you think? About that thing I asked about?"
  3179. >...what?
  3180. >Oh!
  3181. "I think you're right. If we can get Warden to agree, you'll be able to come."
  3182. >"Sweet! Can we go ask when I get out?"
  3183. "Definitely. Until then, just rest."
  3184. >"Will do. See you later!"
  3185. "See ya!"
  3186. >You depart from the nurse's office
  3187. >It'll feel weird to go back to your normal schedule, but it's only for today anyway
  3188. >Let's go check up on the on-duty guards!
  3190. >You've got a set of sore toes, a sore chin, and a bruised ego, so you must be Anon
  3191. >It was kind of humiliating to be brought here on a stretcher
  3192. >Certainly, you were aware that these ponies had crazy low tolerance for pain from your conversations with Brass, but this was kinda ridiculous
  3193. >After Brass left, the nurse spent a while talking to you, saying stuff about how it was okay to cry and you shouldn't try to act tough in front of others
  3194. >You just nodded along, and she eventually gave up, accepting that you were fine
  3195. >You think
  3196. >She left the curtain open when she went back to her desk, and she keeps looking over at you
  3197. >Shit's awkward
  3199. >Eventually, she speaks
  3200. >"I'll be stepping out for a moment, Anonymous. Don't try to walk."
  3201. >You weren't planning to
  3202. "I won't, Nurse Touch."
  3203. >She nods approvingly, and leaves
  3204. >You lay back in your bed, and start thinking
  3205. >You have to come up with a good backstory to tell Luna tonight
  3206. >What would be a good "dominion?"
  3207. >Currently, you're considered super strong and resistant to magic
  3208. >Those don't really lend themselves to any specific thing to have control over...
  3209. >Maybe you can say you're a god of conflict or something? That kind of fits
  3210. >Maybe offer to beat up some villains while you're here?
  3211. >Yeah
  3212. >That might work, actually
  3213. >"It might, yeah. But there aren't many baddies you can whoop on that would really set you apart, know what I mean?"
  3214. >WHAT THE FU-
  3215. >You nearly jump out of your skin
  3216. "Who said that?!"
  3217. >You look around the room, trying to find the source of the voice
  3218. >"Why, I'm right here!"
  3219. >The speaker appears out of nowhere, floating in midair
  3220. >...
  3221. >What are you even looking at right now?
  3222. >The... thing just smiles
  3223. >"You already know who I am, kid! You just don't know that you know. And /I/..."
  3224. >He puts his face right in front of yours, and jabs your chest with a single clawed digit
  3225. >"...know all about you."
  3226. >You already know him?
  3227. >How could-
  3228. >...Wait
  3229. "Are you Discord?"
  3230. >Fucking confetti everywhere, all of a sudden
  3231. >"Ring-a-ding-ding! Correct! Gotta say, I love the way you've handled things so far. Worming your way into the hearts of both princesses, sowing the seeds of a massive internal conflict the likes of which hasn't been seen since Nightmare Moon's insurrection... And you haven't even been here a week! Ever considered a job in the chaos industry?"
  3232. >He hands you a business card
  3233. >An actual business card
  3234. >It just says:
  3235. Discord
  3236. Primeval Chaos Spirit
  3237. Now available for parties!
  3238. >You aren't quite able to express the panic you feel right now
  3239. >Internal conflict? Is Celestia going to fight Luna over you?
  3240. >And he claims to know /all/ about you
  3242. >You attempt put up your facade
  3243. "I-I'm not certain what you mean about-"
  3244. >"Ah-ah-ah. Don't even start. I wasn't kidding. I'm well aware of the extent of your powers..."
  3245. >He gives you a little grin as he narrows his eyes
  3246. >".../or lack thereof./"
  3247. >...Fuck
  3248. >FUCK
  3249. >Is he going to burn you? Blackmail you into doing something? What's his angle?
  3250. >"Hey now, c'mon! I know that came out a little threatening, but you can't just freak out over every little thing. Seriously, you remind me of Twilight Sparkle."
  3251. "Who?"
  3252. >"Someone who'd be pretty darn keen to meet you, if she knew you were here. Celery and Loony have been keeping you a pretty closely guarded secret, but it's only a matter of time until word gets out."
  3253. >He looks around, as if noticing for the first time where it is the both of you are
  3254. >"Ah, but this is no place for a good conversation. Here..."
  3255. >He snaps his fingers
  3256. >"Step into my office!"
  3257. >...
  3258. >Wat
  3259. >Where-
  3260. >How-
  3261. >Holy shit, just when you thought you were finally getting used to how bizarre this place is
  3262. >You have no idea how to describe what's going on around you
  3263. >This entire space reminds you of those old drawings of mobius strips and Klein bottles
  3264. >It's like an M.C. Escher painting
  3265. >You're seated in a chair, in front of a desk behind which sits Discord
  3266. >"Much better. Chocolate milk?"
  3267. "Uh, sure."
  3268. >He snaps his fingers again, and you have something in your hand
  3269. >...
  3270. >It's chocolate milk, but...
  3271. >There's no glass.
  3272. >There's space between your fingers and the milk where the glass should be, but it just isn't there
  3273. >"Here ya go!"
  3274. >He leans forward with a pitcher and pours the glass in around your milk
  3275. >...
  3276. >Just ask him what he wants, Anon
  3277. "So if you know that it's all a lie, what do you want with me?"
  3278. >Please don't say it's to expose you
  3279. >"You may not be a god, but I need your help anyway, m'boy."
  3280. >Phew
  3281. >You take a sip of your milk
  3282. >Damn, that's delicious!
  3283. >Discord continues
  3285. >"Strange as it sounds, I need you to do something for me. Equestria's got a problem that friendship can't fix."
  3286. >Friendship? What?
  3287. >Oh
  3288. "Are you talking about the Elements of Harmony? The six mares that Celestia sends to do stuff?"
  3289. >"Glad you've done your homework. And yes. They won't be able to handle this one alone."
  3290. "We've already established that I'm kind of useless, though. And you don't seem to be lacking in the power department yourself. You're pals with them now, right? What do you need me for?"
  3291. >Discord chuckles, then elaborates
  3292. >"Have you considered /why/ it's so nice here? /Why/ everything's so stinking cuddly and cute, and why armed conflict consists solely of pillow fights and pie-throwing?"
  3293. "Because Faust made it that way, right? I've got questions about that, on a side note."
  3294. >"Hold your questions 'til the end. And correct. Now, tell me something else. Where do you think all the negative emotions go? Ponies are sapient, just the same as you and I. So why don't they slaughter their fellow equine over silly things the same way your people do?"
  3295. >Red flag
  3296. >How the fuck does he know that?
  3297. "How the hell do you-"
  3298. >"Anonymous, please. I am chaos embodied. And what did your science classes tell you about chaos? Perhaps a little more precisely, what /is/ chaos?"
  3299. >You are officially freaked out
  3300. >Yeah, he said he knew all about you, but this is insane!
  3301. "It's... the ability of simple systems without inherently chaotic mechanisms to produce irregular results...?"
  3302. >Another crooked smile
  3303. >"Correct again, my good bald ape! And since you know that, you must also know that I exist, well, everywhere. Including your home dimension."
  3304. >Jesus fucking Christ
  3305. >He literally /is/ what you were pretending to be
  3306. >You shakily take another drink from your glass
  3307. >"Aw, don't be scared. You're gonna have a neat part to play in what's to come. I'd know, I brought you here!"
  3308. >Your mind goes blank for a moment
  3309. "You what?"
  3310. >"I. Brought. You. Here. And I can return you."
  3311. >Breath leaves you
  3313. >You try to open your mouth
  3314. >You aren't entirely certain what you were going to say, but it was probably going to involve the word faggot
  3315. >When you go to speak, nothing happens
  3316. >Something's wrong
  3317. >You bring a hand up to your mouth, only to find it isn't there
  3318. >You turn and stare at Discord, who merely offers you another fucking creepy-ass smile in return
  3319. >"I did that. Don't worry, I'll give it back. But for now, we need to get back on topic and you screaming profanity at me won't help."
  3320. >He leans down, bringing his eyes to the level of yours
  3321. >"You were brought here because humans have something everything else in this world lacks. The power to destroy. Even the Elements, Celestia's trump card, can't /destroy/ evil. Merely render it temporarily harmless. But it always returns. That's the nature of this place. But what I brought you here to deal with is something that needs your species' particular violent mindset to be brought to an end. You remember what I asked you? About where all the negative emotions go?"
  3322. >You nod in response
  3323. >"Faust didn't create /everything/ about this world. Some bits just fell into place, filling voids as needed where her designs left off. One of those bits..."
  3324. >He snaps his fingers
  3325. >"...is this."
  3326. >He's showing you an image
  3327. >An orb
  3328. >It's a violent shade of red, and... pulsing?
  3329. >Discord answers your unspoken question
  3330. >"/That/ is where it all goes. That sphere is the condensed form of every violent thought, every cruel impulse, and every other truly evil emotion felt by Faust's creations. She didn't create it. It created itself, as a result of her simply wishing for her ponies, and everything else for that matter, to not feel those particular emotions. Normally it isn't a problem. However, emotions are powerful things, here in Equestria. Especially strong ones. And this? This is /millennia/ worth of bad vibes. And now, a baddie's gotten their hooves on it. A baddie I need you to end."
  3331. >...so, murder. He wants you to commit murder.
  3333. >You want your mouth back
  3334. >This is so fucking shady you don't even know where to begin
  3335. >And why the fuck is he so /calm/ about this?
  3336. >He's one of Faust's creations, isn't he? So why isn't he losing his mind over what he just asked you to do?
  3337. >And what the fuck makes him think you stand a chance against some super-powered, truly evil monster?
  3338. >He continues his explanation
  3339. >"You're here because humans have that kind of stuff in them already. She won't be able to twist you like she would any of the natives. And since you break down magic just by touching it, you're aptly suited to destroying her."
  3340. >Wait!
  3341. >So any human could do this?!
  3342. >Why'd he choose you, then?!
  3343. >Fuck this
  3344. >Celestia's gotta be getting close to finding you a way home, you don't have to-
  3345. >Discord interrupts
  3346. >"If your hoping Celestia will save you, don't. Even if there was some way she could figure out that I'm the one who brought you here, she couldn't make me return you. No, she'll search a few days more, then call it good and try to convince you to rub her belly again. You are beyond anyone's help but mine, sonny. But hey, you do this right, and I'll send you back to the exact moment you left. Your loved ones will never know you were gone. Or..."
  3347. >He leans in further, whispering conspiratorially
  3348. >"...maybe I let you stay here, and let you cuddle your moon princess and her horny sister? Luna will eventually forgive Celestia and let her share you if you deal with the orb and its new owner, you know. And then you'll have all the cuddles and belly rubs and hot princess tush you can stand! Eh? Eh?"
  3349. >He elbows you a couple times and laughs
  3350. >"I'll give you a couple days to make your decision! Although, the only real choice you have is what you get in return. Also, as a token of goodwill, leave that whole thing about Luna wanting to know about your "powers" to me. I'm an even better liar than you are!"
  3351. >With one final snaggle-toothed grin, he snaps his fingers, and everything goes white
  3353. >...
  3354. >You're back in the infirmary
  3355. >You immediately raise a hand up to your mouth
  3356. >Yep, reattached
  3357. >So, first and foremost, fuck that nigga
  3358. >This has setup written all over it
  3359. >You take care of whoever got the orb first, and then he just steps in, ends you, and claims it for himself
  3360. >And who even took it? He didn't tell you who you were up against
  3361. >He's just toying with you, knowing that you can't afford to say no
  3362. >And those rewards...
  3363. >Some damn tasty b8, but still b8, m8
  3364. >You clench your fists
  3365. >You don't have enough information, and you doubt there's much you can do against him, but...
  3366. >You'll figure something out
  3367. >You can't just let this happen
  3368. >You'll have to do some research for now, but what worries you most is what he might say to Luna
  3369. >Fuck!
  3370. >Everything about this place was warm and snuggly until just now, and you miss your ignorance of Equestria's dark secrets already
  3371. >Goddammit...
  3373. >You are Caring Touch
  3374. >And you're on your way back to your office, with a pudding cup and spoon in your mouth
  3375. >Anon had to give up the act sometime!
  3376. >And when that time came, you'd be ready!
  3377. >Armed with pudding and hugs, you'd get him to open up!
  3378. >It's only healthy!
  3379. >And it's your duty as a nurse to ensure his health!
  3380. >Resolute in your purpose, you continue down the hall
  3381. >Finally coming to your door, you press an ear to it
  3382. >No sound from within
  3383. >Is he /still/ putting up his tough front? You were sure he'd break down when he was alone...
  3384. >No matter!
  3385. >You'll talk to him again, and help him understand
  3386. >For a red suit, he wasn't even that scary
  3387. >You'll have to check his file to get a better understanding of him
  3388. >You knock
  3389. "Anonymous, I'm back!"
  3390. >You open the door, ready to begin your lecture anew
  3391. >But something's wrong
  3392. >You don't have a good grasp of hyumin body language, but he looks...
  3393. >Upset
  3394. >itbegins.jpg
  3395. >This is it!!
  3396. >You have to restrain yourself from skipping over to him
  3397. "Anonymous, are you alright? Do you have anything you'd like to speak to me about?"
  3399. >His reply is subdued
  3400. >"I'm fine, nurse. Just, uh... Just thinking about stuff."
  3401. >Oooooh!
  3402. >If you can get him to confide in you, you'll be one step closer to fully understanding him!
  3403. >Sympathy is a critical part of helping any patient!
  3404. "What stuff, Anonymous?"
  3405. >"It's... personal. I'd rather not talk about it."
  3406. >Awww...
  3407. >Well, you only just met him
  3408. >You'll have to schedule him an appointment sometime
  3409. >Warden will approve!
  3410. >He can't keep to himself forever!
  3411. >It isn't normal!
  3412. >For now, you'll start winning his trust with pudding
  3413. "Well, if you say so. Either way, I brought you a treat to help you perk up!"
  3414. >Present him the pudding and spoon
  3415. >His face lightens a little bit
  3416. >"Oh, thanks."
  3417. He reaches and gently takes them from your mouth
  3418. >...wow, he opened and devoured that in record time...
  3419. >Well, his appetite for pudding seems to be healthy!
  3420. "Now, Anonymous, I want you to know something. If you ever feel sad or lonely, come here and see me! I'm a licensed therapist too, so you can tell me all about your problems! Talking about your problems is the first step to solving them!"
  3421. >Anon's face goes blank for a moment, then breaks into a grin
  3422. >"...hm. Yeah. That might work."
  3423. >He's seen the light!
  3424. >You're so happy right now!
  3425. "Do you want to talk about your problems now?!"
  3426. >"Yeah! But, uh, I can't. Er, not with you."
  3427. >DESPAIR!
  3428. >W-why? You brought him pudding!
  3429. >He reaches down and-
  3430. >Oh
  3431. >Ohhhhhhhhhh
  3432. >Wh-
  3433. >What is-
  3434. >What is this sensation?!
  3435. >It's like... Elysium behind your ears...
  3436. >Ahhhhhhh...
  3437. >"I didn't mean anything by it, Nurse Touch. You did an awesome job on making me feel better. It's just I don't think you can help me with this, and I also think that knowing what was going on would just scare you. You're a nice pony, and a great nurse."
  3438. >S...So nice...
  3439. >Should he really be in prison? He's such a sweetie!
  3440. >And whatever he's doing to the back of your ears, you just hope he never stops
  3441. >But your hopes are dashed as he withdraws his hand
  3442. >Drat... That felt great...
  3444. >"Nurse Touch-"
  3445. "O-Oh, you can just call me Caring, Anon! Er, you can call me Anonymous if I can call you Caring, Anon! Er-"
  3446. >Gosh darn it!
  3447. >Your brain's all fuzzy!
  3448. >He just chuckles
  3449. >"I get it, and that's alright with me, Caring. Do you know if I'd be able to get a letter to someone outside the prison?"
  3450. >What a silly question! Of course inmates can send letters outside the prison! How else could they stay in contact with their families? Prison would be too much for ponies to handle otherwise!
  3451. "Absolutely Anon! I can get you a quill and parchment right now if you want!"
  3452. >"I'd appreciate that, Caring. Thanks in advance."
  3453. >His hand remains at his side
  3454. >Awww...
  3455. >Wait
  3456. >Maybe he'll do it again if you're really fast getting him his writing stuff?!
  3457. "Holdonjustasecond!!"
  3458. >You bolt across the room, magically rifling through your desk at the speed of Wonderbolts to get Anon his quill and parchment
  3459. >Having the two necessary items in your magical grip, you zip back across your office to the bedridden inmate
  3460. "H-Here!"
  3461. >He gives the quill an odd look
  3462. >Oh!
  3463. >Caring Touch, you silly pony! You forgot ink!
  3464. >You fly back across your office, seize your bottle of ink, and rush back-
  3465. >Ah
  3466. >You forgot to put the lid back on...
  3467. >Ink
  3468. >Ink everywhere
  3469. >Including all over poor Anon!
  3470. "I'm so sorry! Let me-"
  3471. >"It's alright. I'll just-"
  3472. >He gets out of bed!
  3473. >He can't get out of bed, his foot's still bruised!
  3474. >Why can he stand?!
  3475. >He peels off the ink-stained upper part of his uniform
  3476. >"There. I didn't get much on my pants, so this'll do."
  3477. >He wipes his face with the clean part of his shirt, so you get a good view of his torso and arms
  3478. >He's clearly in the weights club for a reason
  3479. >U-Unf
  3480. >Bad! No lewd thought about inmates! They're criminals!
  3481. >B-But... Anon's nice... Maybe it was a mistake...?
  3482. >You can't just ask somepony - er, somehyumin? - why they're in prison though
  3483. >You'll just peek at his file later
  3485. >You are Anonymous
  3486. >And this nurse is great
  3487. >She bring you some pudding to cheer you up, and inadvertently advised you on how you're going to deal with Discord
  3488. >Dude's clearly setting you up for betrayal
  3489. >So you'll betray him first!
  3490. >Kinda
  3491. >You're just going to send a letter to Celestia
  3492. >Discord already told you he was going to speak to Luna, supposedly on your behalf
  3493. >You're not sure whether he's going to secretly rat you out, or blow her expectations of you way out of proportion, or what, but you're going to need royal help to deal with what he's trying to get you to do
  3494. >Which leaves Luna's older, hornier sister
  3495. >You're banking on her still being crazy about you, but you're pretty sure she still is judging from Discord's taunting
  3496. >Even if she isn't, she still thinks you're a god, so...
  3497. >You press the parchment against your leg, dip the quill, and start writing
  3498. >...
  3499. >This is kinda difficult...
  3500. >The first lines of your letter are ugly as hell
  3501. >Well, the piece of parchment's pretty big, so maybe you can just rip it off
  3502. >After some repeated folds, a lick, and careful tearing, you have a blank slate
  3503. >Restart writing.exe
  3504. >Better this time
  3505. >As you labor over your letter, you feel the nurse staring at you
  3506. >You look over at Caring, only for her to avert her eyes the moment you do
  3507. >You focus on your letter again
  3508. >Sure enough, you get the feeling again
  3509. "If there's something on my face, I'd like to know."
  3510. >You crack a little joke, but she just squeaks
  3511. >"N-No! I, uh, I just... What are you exactly? The Overseer just told me you were a human, but I've never heard of humans before, so..."
  3512. >Overseer
  3513. >She called Brass that earlier
  3514. >Dude's got a badass job title
  3515. "I'm not really surprised you haven't heard of us. I come from a place called Earth. It's really far away."
  3516. >She tilts her head
  3517. >If you hadn't already seen Luna do it, your heart would have melted a little
  3518. >"Why are you in Equestria if your home is so far away? Don't you miss your family?"
  3520. >Oof
  3521. >Right in the repressed homesickness
  3522. "Yeah, I do. But I came here for a reason, and I can't go home until I've settled it."
  3523. >"What is it?"
  3524. >You shoot Caring a grin
  3525. "Secret."
  3526. >Caring Touch used Pouty Face!
  3527. >It's somewhat effective
  3528. "I can't tell you the specifics, but someone brought me here to do something. But, when they told me what they wanted me to do... It was bad. I didn't want to do it. But, if I don't take some kind of action, something worse might happen. So like you said, I'm going to talk about it with someone and get help. That's what the letter's for."
  3529. >If Discord was telling the truth about that freaky orb, and someone bad really does already have it, the least you can do before you go home is deal with it
  3530. >You have no idea how you'll do it, but that's never stopped you before
  3531. >You'll beat the mysterious orb thief, then prevent Discord from doing whatever the fuck it is he's trying to set up, then force him to return you
  3532. >You owe Discord an ass-kicking anyway
  3533. >Doesn't matter if he's a chaos god, he's been beaten twice by six cuddly ponies
  3534. >How tough can he be?
  3535. >And although a lifetime supply of princess kisses and tight moon-stamped booty sounds absolutely amazing, you have to get home
  3536. >Your new friends will be sad, but...
  3537. >You can't just abandon your old life
  3538. >"Well Anon, I'm glad you have a friend to write to! Who is it?"
  3539. >Uh
  3540. >Should you tell her? Would she even believe you?
  3541. >...Fuck it, you've told enough lies here
  3542. >Just tell her
  3543. "It's Princess Celestia."
  3544. >Her eyes nearly bug out of her head
  3545. >"R-Really? You know the Princess?!"
  3546. "Yeah. She was interested in humans too, so she came to, uh, visit me. We're friends."
  3547. >"Wow, Anon! That's so cool!"
  3548. "Heheheh. I know Princess Luna too."
  3549. >"BOTH Princesses?! Why are you still in prison then?!"
  3550. >She covers her mouth suddenly
  3551. >"I-I'm sorry! I didn't mean to pry..."
  3552. "It's fine. I'm here because I did something wrong, and my sentence isn't even that long anyway."
  3554. >You've been working on your letter this whole time, and you think it's ready
  3555. "I'm done with my letter, Caring. Where do I take it to get sent?"
  3556. >"/You/ aren't taking anything anywhere, mister. You're on bed rest until tomorrow, remember?"
  3557. "I remember standing up perfectly earlier."
  3558. >She places a hoof on your leg
  3559. >Comfort with this situation slightly decreased
  3560. >"Anon. I know you're a red suit. I know you have to act tough. And you're very good at it. I'm sure any number of black suits have their eye on you for recruiting. But it's /okay/. I'm here for you. When you're hurt you have to rest!"
  3561. >This fucking cute nurse
  3562. >You were hoping to weasel your way out of staying here all day, but you can't refuse a cute little speech like that
  3563. >Plus, you'd probably just make Brass mad again for going off without him
  3564. >Bed rest it is
  3565. "Alright. Can you take it for me, then?"
  3566. >She beams
  3567. >"You betcha! I'll be right back!"
  3568. >She levitates your letter, rolls it up, and walks out of the office
  3569. >You just kick back and wait
  3571. >You're Caring Touch
  3572. >And your heart is pounding
  3573. >He's
  3574. >So
  3575. >Perfect
  3576. >He's friends with the Princesses! And is nice, and good-looking, and probably strong, and is apparently serving a short sentence!
  3578. >Uggggghhhhh
  3579. >You want them behind your ears again
  3580. >A-And maybe on your tummy too...
  3581. >200%lewd.jpg
  3582. >But you don't care how lewd it is, or how recently you met him
  3583. >You're a beautiful young mare only a few years out of nurse school!
  3584. >You'll do what you like
  3585. >And you like that hyumin
  3586. >You skip down the hall to the mail office, deposit Anon's letter, and proceed to skip back towards your little infirmary where your favorite inmate awaits
  3587. >You have an entire day with him
  3588. >An entire day to get him to touch you again!
  3589. >...
  3590. >You may need a quick shower first...
  3591. >You have your own in the infirmary, although it's also for inmates staying overnight
  3592. >Anon will have to use it too...
  3593. >You just can't keep your mind out of the gutter after meeting him!
  3595. >You'll definitely need a cold shower to calm yourself down before you talk to him again
  3596. >And then you're going to care for that inmate
  3597. >You're gonna care for him so hard
  3598. >You make your way back, and Anon's still there
  3599. >You half-expected him to be out of bed, just to act tough
  3600. >Not that you don't like it when he does that
  3601. >Well, you don't, but only because he's risking his health!
  3602. >Boo-boos are terrible in general
  3603. >And his are /really/ terrible
  3604. >His poor foot!
  3605. "I'm glad you stayed in bed, Anon. Let me take a quick shower, and then I'll right back with you!"
  3606. >"Alright."
  3607. >You take the quickest shower of your life
  3608. >For one, because you want as much time with Anon as possible
  3609. >For two, you came a little /too/ close to rubbing your own belly in the shower, with Anon separated from you only by a wall
  3610. >U-Ultra lewd
  3611. >Maybe when he leaves...
  3612. >You hop out, towel off, don your nurse cap, and walk back out
  3613. >Right into Anon
  3614. "A-Anon, honestly, I told you-!"
  3615. >"I know, I know. I just want to shower too. I didn't get a chance to clean off after weight lifting."
  3616. >Oh
  3617. >Oh no
  3618. >These mental images
  3619. >Thank goodness you aren't a pegasi, your wings would be diamonds
  3620. "S-Sure! Go ahead! I-I'll grab you another uniform while you're in!"
  3621. >"Thanks, Caring. You really live up to your name, huh?"
  3622. >He chuckles as he gives one of your ears a quick scratch
  3623. >This
  3624. >Sweet Celestia, you're addicted to this
  3625. >It takes all your willpower not to follow him into the shower
  3626. >Once the door closes, you check the supplies cupboard for a spare red minotaur-type uniform
  3627. >Found it!
  3628. >You set it next to the door to the shower, then move over to Anon's bed
  3629. >You magically strip the sheets and blanket, setting them aside and levitating over a new set
  3630. >There! Fresh and clean!
  3631. >You move the old sheets to the dirty laundry hamper
  3632. >He'll totally scratch your ear again for this
  3633. >And if not, then you'll just care for him more until he does!
  3634. >And maybe make sure he's single while you're at it...
  3636. >You're bipedal and in the shower, so you're probably Anon
  3637. >As great as the hot water feels, you try to keep it quick
  3638. >There's a little bar of soap in here that you use
  3639. >Squeaky-clean
  3640. >Stepping out and toweling off, you peek your head out the door
  3641. >Can't see Caring
  3642. "Hey Caring? Do you have that spare uniform?"
  3643. >"It's by the door!"
  3644. >So it is
  3645. >You pick it up and bring it back in
  3646. >Get dressed
  3647. >Check yourself in the mirror
  3648. >Not too shabby Anon
  3649. >You could do with a shave though
  3650. >Maybe you can get some shaving stuff in town if Warden lets you go on that trip
  3651. >Considering security is nonexistent here and you're friends with the head guard, you could smuggle it in easily
  3652. >You step back out into the infirmary
  3653. >Caring's waiting for you
  3654. >She...
  3655. >Did she change the sheets on your bed?
  3656. >Jesus
  3657. >This is a dedicated nurse
  3658. >You heave yourself up onto your bed
  3659. "So what now? Do we just hang out until tomorrow? You don't seem to get too many injured ponies in here."
  3660. >She perks up a little at that
  3661. >"Oh, we can do whatever you like! I can go grab a board game from the game room if you want, or a book from the library, or-"
  3662. >She's really pumped about making you feel at ease
  3663. >It strikes you how fucking /dedicated/ most of the ponies you've seen here have been
  3664. >Warden always seemed really cheery towards her staff and prisoners
  3665. >Brass took his duties as your chaperone seriously even after he realized you didn't really need one
  3666. >The members of the cooking and weights clubs both were really into their hobbies
  3667. >And now this nurse
  3668. >"Anon? What do you think?"
  3669. >Ah, shit
  3670. >Spaced out
  3671. "I'm fine with whatever you'd like to do, Caring."
  3672. >Smooth
  3673. >She looks excited
  3674. >"Let's play a game! Do you like checkers?"
  3675. "Yeah!"
  3676. >"I'll go get the board, then! Be right back!"
  3677. >She runs out of the office
  3678. >You feel a little bad about making her run all over the prison, but she's hell-bent on keeping you in bed
  3679. >You wait a while, and she eventually returns
  3680. >She holds the box in her little magic force-field
  3682. >She runs over to you, then hesitates
  3683. >"Hold on, I'll get a table-"
  3684. >Fuck that, she's run around enough already
  3685. "Nah, just hop up."
  3686. >You pat your legs
  3687. >Her eyes widen
  3688. >"O-Oh, I couldn't! You're hurt!"
  3689. "It's only my foot and chin, and even those don't really hurt unless I put pressure on them. C'mon, take a seat."
  3690. >She leaps up like a cat
  3691. >These ponies and their weird physiology, man
  3692. >She gingerly sets the box on your lap, then lowers herself down on top of your legs
  3693. >You open the box and set up the board
  3694. "What color do you want?"
  3695. >"Y-You can choose!"
  3696. >Hm
  3697. "I'll go with black, then."
  3698. >You divvy up the pieces, line them up, and the game begins
  3699. >It's been forever since you last played, but you're fairly confident
  3700. >After you've been playing a while, Caring breaks the silence
  3701. >"Do you mind if I ask you some personal questions?"
  3702. "Go for it."
  3703. >"Do you... um... have a... a..."
  3704. >Her voice gets really quiet
  3705. "A what?"
  3706. >"A uh, big family! Yeah. Big family. That's what I meant."
  3707. >Cute little word-forgetting pony
  3708. >Luna's still your girl, but it doesn't change the fact that this nurse a qt
  3709. "Not really. It's just me and my parents. What about you?"
  3710. >"I'm the same! Only child high-hoof!"
  3711. >She holds up a hoof
  3712. >You meet it with a hand, chuckling
  3713. >The hours pass just like this, with small talk and checkers
  3714. >You weren't sure how you felt about her rubbing a hoof along your leg
  3715. >But it as probably just her thinking about her next move
  3716. >By dinnertime, you were both sick of checkers
  3717. >"I'll go get some food for the both of us, and a new game!"
  3718. >She heads out, taking the box with her
  3719. >10/10 Nurse of the Year
  3720. >She comes back with two trays of food, and a box containing another game
  3721. >That force field can apparently carry a lot
  3722. >Interesting
  3723. >She sets her tray down at her desk, and levitates both the game and your food over to you
  3724. >Looks like connect four
  3725. >You devour your food, while she takes a little more time with hers
  3726. >She jumps right back onto your bed after
  3727. >"Want to make a bet?"
  3729. >You've always been a bit of a gambling man
  3730. "What do you have in mind?"
  3731. >"For every round I win, you have to..."
  3732. >Her face goes a little red
  3733. >"Scratch my ears."
  3734. >...
  3735. >Ooooookay
  3736. >That's a little weird
  3737. >But you'll roll with it
  3738. >You kind of just did it on reflex, since she's small and cute and all
  3739. >But she apparently likes it
  3740. >No harm, no foul you suppose
  3741. "I can do that. And for every round I win..."
  3742. >Hmm
  3743. >That pudding was pretty great earlier
  3744. "For every round I win, you'll sneak me one additional pudding a day for as many days as wins. Fair?"
  3745. >She nods eagerly
  3746. >"Fair! Y-You'll have to come get the pudding from my office though! It'd be suspicious if other ponies saw me giving it to you!"
  3747. >Makes sense
  3748. "Sounds good. Let's do this!"
  3749. >You set up the little plastic rack and grab your little colored pieces
  3750. >You honestly don't care whether you win, as both sides of this bet are a positive for you
  3751. >Win, you get pudding
  3752. >Lose, you get to scratch Caring's ears
  3753. >You think you might even let her win the first game
  3754. >You let her go first
  3755. >The pieces stack up until, sure enough, it's her win
  3756. >"Yes!!"
  3757. >She gives a little hoof pump
  3758. >You chuckle and move the game out of the way, feigning resignation
  3759. "A bet's a bet. C'mere."
  3760. >She eagerly scoots forward, the top of her head meeting your waiting hand
  3761. >"Aw yeah, right there..."
  3762. >She coos softly as you scratch
  3763. >...
  3764. >This feels kinda dirty
  3765. >Is this lewd?
  3766. >You read that book on pony physiology pretty carefully, and you don't think this is an erogenous zone
  3767. >She's sure enjoying it though...
  3768. >Whatever
  3769. >She likes it, you like it
  3770. >What's the harm?
  3771. >You continue your ministrations, moving your hand up one ear and gently rubbing it
  3772. >She's squirming around on your lap
  3773. >Her back leg's even twitching a little bit
  3774. >You continue a little longer, then decide to resume the game
  3775. "Alright, that's enough. Let's play some more."
  3776. >"B-Buh? Oh, uh, yeah, totally! Let's play more! Hope you like rubbing my ears, because I plan to keep winning~."
  3778. >The games continue
  3779. >You've racked up more bonus puddings than you have actual days left in jail
  3780. >You're going to have to claim like three per day or something
  3781. >Caring is in a happy daze from all the attention her ears have received
  3782. >And is doing that thing where she rubs your leg while thinking about her next move again
  3783. >The hours passed quickly, and it's getting close to your preferred hour to pass out
  3784. "I think we should call it a night, Caring. I'm kinda tired."
  3785. >"Oh, okay! You certainly need your rest, after all."
  3786. >She still seems a little sad
  3787. >Is her job seriously so boring that the highlight of her day is playing connect four with you?
  3788. >...Then again, literally nobody else came in this whole time...
  3789. >She cleans up the pieces, putting everything away neatly in the box
  3790. >She sets it over on her desk
  3791. >You catch a brief glimpse of a pastel glow around the light switch before the lights go out
  3792. >You burrow down in your bed, getting nice and cozy
  3793. >Even the infirmary beds are decently comfy
  3794. >Step up your game, Earth mattress manufacturers
  3795. >...
  3796. >Wait
  3797. >She's still sitting on your legs
  3798. "Caring? Where are you going to sleep?"
  3799. >"Ah, I uh... I was thinking- I mean, since we're both comfortable- together, maybe...?"
  3800. >...
  3801. >You gotta draw the line there
  3802. >You couldn't face Luna knowing that you let another mare share a bed with you
  3803. >You've pushed your luck far enough in this world anyway
  3804. "I'm sorry Caring, but a guy and a girl sharing a bed is considered pretty intimate where I'm from, and I've got somebody. I'll have to decline."
  3805. >She hurriedly clambers off the bed
  3806. >"S-Sorry! I didn't know you were spoken for!"
  3807. "Don't worry about it. I'll see you in the morning."
  3808. >"Yeah... Goodnight, Anon. Sleep well."
  3809. "You too. Goodnight."
  3810. >You shut your eyes, content to go see your literal dream girl without another mare in your bed
  3812. >You've got a pretty serious heart fracture, so you must be Caring Touch
  3813. >Of course he's taken
  3814. >The good ones always are
  3815. >But...
  3816. >He didn't seem to mind scratching your ears
  3817. >Maybe he'll keep doing it?
  3818. >You can only hope
  3819. >You don't want to have to kick this addiction the day you got it...
  3820. >...
  3821. >You hope his special somepony is pretty
  3822. >She'd better be
  3823. >...what if she isn't?
  3824. >Or worse, what if she isn't good for his health?! What if she has bad habits?! She might be the reason why he's in prison!
  3825. >You have to find out!
  3826. >And if she's no good for him, then...
  3827. >You'll convince him! With these feelings!
  3828. >You won't give up!
  3829. >You didn't quit in nurse school, and you sure won't quit now!
  3830. >For him!
  3831. >Burning with newfound determination, you move over to the dirty laundry hamper
  3832. >You dig Anon's old sheets and blanket out, wrap yourself in them, and take a running leap onto the bed next to his
  3833. >You're just doing this because it's too much of a hassle to make up a new bed just for yourself!
  3834. >Yeah!
  3835. >Nurses don't have ulterior motives!
  3836. >L-Like sniffing his blankets because he smells nice!
  3837. >Only lewd ponies would do that!
  3838. >And you're totally not a lewd pony!
  3840. >You're a member of the glorious bipedal master race, so you have to be Anon
  3841. >...
  3842. >Weird
  3843. >Why are you dreaming of the infirmary?
  3844. >Caring Touch is even here, too, on the bed next to yours
  3845. >...?
  3846. >Wait
  3847. >That's sunlight coming through the window!
  3848. >This is real life, African-American! It's morning!
  3849. >What happened?
  3850. >Why didn't Luna visit you?
  3851. >Was it Discord?
  3852. >He said he was going to talk to her
  3853. >The fucking snake
  3854. >There was nothing you could do to prevent it, but still
  3855. >If he told her...
  3856. >But why? What would he gain from that? That'd just turn you against him and he supposedly needs your help
  3857. >...
  3858. >Maybe you're just overthinking this?
  3859. >Even if she's a princess, she probably can't spend /every/ night in your dreams
  3860. >She's probably behind on work or something
  3861. >Let's go with that for now
  3862. >Still, you're a little sad
  3864. >You check the clock on the wall
  3865. >Breakfast isn't for an hour or so
  3866. >You check some cabinets until you find the spare uniforms, then take a quick shower
  3867. >Clean as a whistle
  3868. >After you get out, you just flop back onto your bed and wait
  3869. >Brass said he'd come get you, so you'll just wait here
  3870. >It'd be kind of a dick move to leave without saying bye to Caring, too
  3871. >Speaking of
  3872. >She's waking up
  3873. >She pokes her head out of a big pile of blankets, bleary-eyed
  3874. "Good morning!"
  3875. >She takes a moment to process your greeting
  3876. >"Oh! Good morning, Anon! How do you feel?"