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Perversion of Justice

By ZigZagWanderer
Created: 2021-08-26 16:25:28
Updated: 2024-04-20 05:39:39
Expiry: Never
anonfluttershypinkie piecomedyflutterrape

  1. Special thanks to an Anonymous poster who came up with this story's title.
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  7. >Three months ago, Fluttershy gave you a pin-up calendar that she had made with the help of her old friends in the modelling industry.
  8. >It was intended as a New Year’s gift, to celebrate you having spent a year so far in Equestria.
  9. >“A year of our love,” is how she had put it.
  10. >It had actually been a year of her love for you.
  11. >It easily ranked as the single worst year of your life.
  12. >But you had managed to avoid Fluttershy’s morning visit today, so things were looking up.
  13. >How couldn’t they be? Last year you didn’t even have a calendar.
  14. >Cupid Fluttershy had gone the way of February’s passing.
  15. >It had been Nature Fluttershy’s time to show herself for these past few weeks, and just beneath her ivy-covered privates, a certain date caught your attention.
  16. >The first day of spring had come.
  17. >You’d only just noticed it as you were putting on your scarf.
  18. >The frozen snow crunched under your boots as you held your coat shut tight to keep the wind from biting you.
  19. >The pegasus ponies said that an oversupply of this year’s snow from the weather factory was to blame for the prolonged winter.
  20. >Not that any pony was around to hear this.
  21. >The streets of Ponyville were deserted.
  22. >Everyone was hiding inside their dim lukewarm lofts and watching as their last few scraps of firewood smoldered to stave off the overbearing cold.
  23. >A craving for Apple Brown Betty drove you towards Sugarcube Corner.
  24. >Applejack had just begun supplying the bakery with her sweet apple confections and you had quickly become a fan.
  25. >You would have to keep things brief with Pinkie, though.
  26. >You’d have done anything to keep this Fluttershy-free morning going.
  27. >You knew that she would be out looking for you, and that stupid, shy mare had an otherworldly knack for finding you.
  28. >But that was pretty much it as far as her talents went.
  29. >Even when she wasn't trying to awkwardly seduce you, Fluttershy was beyond incompetent at almost everything.
  30. >She even fucked up and had you listed as an exotic animal way back when you had to go through the Equestrian Society for the Preservation of Rare Creatures in order to get your citizenship papers.
  31. >As soon as you saw that shit, you started screaming at her until she promised to have it corrected.
  32. >An exotic animal: You were sure that she did that shit on purpose just to get herself off.
  33. >You still remember seeing her trot away as you threw things at her, her tail stuck to her soggy rump the entire time.
  34. >You sighed heavily at the memory.
  35. I just woke up and I already feel tired again.
  36. >You had one goal in this new life, and that was to always avoid Fluttershy for as long as possible.
  37. >As long as you could stay away from her for the foreseeable future, then you were golden.
  38. >Pinkie greeted you in a friendly manner as you rushed into Sugarcube Corner.
  39. >Really, she had no other choice, as she'd been staring right at the door from the moment you arrived.
  40. >You approached the counter.
  41. Hey, Pinkie. Can I get, uhhh . . .
  42. >Now, it's not that you had suddenly forgotten about your craving for Apple Brown Betty; that's not why you stopped.
  43. >It's just that Pinkie was craning her neck to the right, trying to awkwardly look around you.
  44. >She was staring at the door again.
  45. Pinkie?
  46. >“Uh-huh, sure, I can get that for ya,” she said without looking at you.
  47. >She had no idea what you just said.
  48. Pinkie, are you sure you heard me right?
  49. >“Sure, it's no trouble at all. It'll be our little secret.”
  50. >Then she gave you a sly wink, still without looking at you.
  51. >You had never seen someone fail at winking before now.
  52. >And you were a guy that knew your winking, courtesy of Fluttershy, of course.
  53. >Pinkie had no idea at all what you were saying.
  54. >She was completely distracted.
  55. >This could be fun.
  56. Alright, I'll just repeat that order for you real quick.
  57. >“Yeah, you're going to have to repeat that. I didn't catch it.”
  58. >You paused.
  59. That is what I'm . . .
  60. >You shook your head to no one in particular and got on with the fooling around.
  61. Okay, Pinkie, I want a steak, and I want it cooked medium. None of this medium-rare, flip flopping, half-and-half bullshit.
  62. >“Sprinkles or no sprinkles?”
  63. Sans sprinkles. I don't need the empty calories.
  64. >“I know. So why are you here then?”
  65. >Ouch.
  66. >Good thing she wasn’t looking at you because that one hurt.
  67. I think that's it. That's three bits, right?
  68. >“Sounds fair to me.”
  69. Alright, here you go.
  70. >You took a handful of the free peppermint candies that were on the counter and dropped them into Pinkie's open hoof.
  71. >“Ooo, big spender!” she said, sounding impressed.
  72. >She then immediately deposited them into the register.
  73. >Pretty sure that’s actually illegal.
  74. >You were glad there was no else in the store to see this.
  75. >“Okay, I'll have that up for you soon.”
  76. Have what, exactly?
  77. >“I don't know. You didn't order right, silly.”
  78. >Just then the register rang you up, and up popped the tag: ‘No Sale’.
  79. >Still without looking at you, Pinkie smiled and poked her tongue out for a split second.
  80. You mean you knew I was messing with you the whole time and you didn't say anything?
  81. >“Why would I say anything? It was fun. You're really good at improv.”
  82. >Oh man, that pink horse got you.
  83. >Why did your face feel hot all of a sudden?
  84. >Still, you couldn't help but smile.
  85. >Pinkie giggled.
  86. >“You're blushing.”
  87. You don't know that. You're not even looking at me.
  88. >She then turned towards you and gently tapped you on the tip of your nose.
  89. >“Boop! Now I am, and you're red as a cherry.”
  90. >A split second later she was looking towards the door again, just like nothing at all had happened.
  91. >You rubbed the tip of your nose, more to cover up your face's obvious, glowing embarrassment than for anything else.
  92. Don't boop me like that.
  93. >“How about if I boop you--here!”
  94. >Pinkie's hoof prodded itself into your lovehandle.
  95. >Your heart skipped a beat at this sudden invasion of your body.
  96. >Your breath hitched as a panicked tingle flared up throughout your nerves before settling again.
  97. >Pinkie giggled, a devious look on her face.
  98. >“Ooh. Looks like someone's ticklish.”
  99. >All the play left your voice.
  100. Don't ever do that again.
  101. >“No promises,” she said in a singsong voice.
  102. Just what is with you today? Are you expecting someone?
  103. >A thought flew past your mind.
  104. It's not Fluttershy, right?
  105. >“Nope. But I sure wouldn't mind seeing her.”
  106. I would.
  107. >“Aw. But she likes you so much.”
  108. >Pinkie's smile was small, asking and empathic.
  109. >“Doesn't that just give you the warm fuzzies?”
  110. It makes me anxious, so it's more like the cold shivers for me.
  111. >“But--”
  112. Pinkie, what she does to me is straight up sexual harassment, with occasional crosses into assault too.
  113. >“But she's in love.”
  114. I don't care. She's always touching me inappropriately. I can’t stand all that touching.
  115. >“That's her way of showing that she loves you.”
  116. Well I hate it. I should be able to turn around without having to worry that she'll show up and start kneading my ass like it's dough.
  117. >“If that's what you hate, then consider yourself lucky that I'm not the one that's in love with you.”
  118. >You gave Pinkie a serious look and, after becoming aware of the skip in banter, she forced a smile, her cheeks stiff.
  119. >“Not that I don't love you or anything. I do, just not in the same way.”
  120. >She looked to you apologetically.
  121. >You just sighed.
  122. >These ponies had no idea at how creepy they could come across sometimes.
  123. Yeah, I know, Pinkie. I just don't like what Fluttershy does, and how nobody ever takes it seriously.
  124. >“I just really wish you'd give her a chance. You two would be so cute together.”
  125. >You flipped her a dismissive wave.
  126. Yeah, yeah.
  127. >Pinkie furrowed her brow and, lowering her voice down to its bass, mimicked you:
  128. >“Yeah, yeah.”
  129. >She then smiled at you, but not meanly.
  130. >You knew she was just trying to make you laugh, trying to keep everything light and fun.
  131. >Whatever. Fluttershy wasn’t even there, and you weren’t going to let her spoil your morning just by talking about her.
  132. So what are you watching the door for, anyway?
  133. >“I'm actually waiting for the mail.”
  134. >Pinkie pressed her front hooves down on the counter and leaned forward, catching the door in her direct gaze.
  135. >“I'm expecting a super-duper important package today.”
  136. >Her rump began to sway from side to side in anticipation of this package.
  137. >“I want to get it right away once it comes in.”
  138. So what is it?
  139. >“I can't tell you that. It won't be a surprise then.”
  140. But if you tell me what it is, then we can share the surprise together.
  141. >You weren't even sure that made sense.
  142. >Pinkie thought about this for a moment.
  143. >Then her body began trembling all over and she broke with a delighted “Squee!”
  144. >“Oh, I can't help it when you put it that way. Okay, I'll tell!”
  145. >That was easy.
  146. >Her eyes full of bright stars, Pinkie leaned far over the counter--enough to lift herself off the floor--and brought her face close to yours.
  147. >“I'm going to be an official junior safety mare! The Pony Public Protection Department accepted my application!”
  148. >You physically recoiled from this.
  149. >Mostly because you could smell the years and years of settled sugar that caked Pinkie's teeth.
  150. >But then, also, you recoiled from the implication.
  151. You're going to be a safety--what?
  152. >“A public safety mare, junior rank. My cap and sash are coming in the mail today.”
  153. >This was starting to sound less like Pinkie was joking and more like something that was actually official.
  154. >You didn't like it.
  155. You mean someone thought it was a good idea to put you in charge of public safety?
  156. >“Absolutely. Well, actually, I've been applying for it ever since I grew up from fillyhood, but they never wanted to get back to me for some reason.
  157. >“So I asked Princess Celestia if she could help me out somehow, you know, seeing as how she's retired and everything, and she wrote and told them about how I've saved Equestria, like, ten times or something.
  158. >“And then they went, ‘Oh, it’s that Pinkie Pie!’ So they accepted me, and now I'm just waiting for my uniform to arrive so I can start being an official junior safety mare.”
  159. >She stopped and smiled at you, a delighted squeak escaping past her lips.
  160. >Silence for a moment.
  161. What does “that Pinkie Pie” mean? Is there another Pinkie Pie in Equestria or something?
  162. >“Nope. I'm not actually sure what they said to Princess Celestia, but when I picture it in my head, I'm thinking it must have went something like that.”
  163. Right. So what do you even have to do now that you're this junior . . .
  164. >What was it called?
  165. This junior thingie?
  166. >Pinkie straightened up, closed her eyes and laid her hoof over her chest.
  167. >“As a safety mare of the Pony Public Protection Department, I swear, on my honor, to do my duty to Equestria and uphold the law, to help other ponies at all times, and to keep myself strong, awake, and morally straight.”
  168. >She began beaming after saying this and she looked to you.
  169. >You blinked.
  170. So what, you're a cop now or something?
  171. >“No, silly, cops get badges. I'm getting a sash, remember?”
  172. >You rolled your eyes.
  173. Right.
  174. >“I do get a badge on my bobby though.”
  175. On your what?
  176. >“And I can write out tickets, and I have a direct line with the Royal Guard. My word is as good and trusted as if I was actually on the force.”
  177. So you're more like a neighborhood watch member.
  178. >“Or a hall monitor.”
  179. Okay, a hall monitor then.
  180. >“Except that this hall happens to be all of Equestria.”
  181. That’s a big jurisdiction.
  182. >“I can handle it.”
  183. >Pinkie suddenly gasped and pointed at the door.
  184. >“There it is! She's got my package!”
  185. >The door opened.
  186. >Fluttershy walked in, carrying a small box.
  187. Oh crap.
  188. >“Hello, everyone,” Fluttershy said, kicking off her light-green snowboots by the door.
  189. >She turned, her half-lidded eyes looking up at you.
  190. >"Hello, sweetie."
  191. Don't call me that.
  192. >Meanwhile you could hear Pinkie's enthusiasm visibly deflating behind you.
  193. >“Oh, hi, Fluttershy,” she said, sighing.
  194. >Pinkie groaned and her head went limp, sending her face right smack down onto the counter.
  195. >She laid there lethargically while Fluttershy approached.
  196. >“Pinkie, is everything okay?”
  197. It was before you showed up.
  198. >Fluttershy gave you a short look before turning and asking Pinkie how she felt.
  199. >Her answer was muffled by the counter.
  200. >“Um, I don't mean to be rude,” Fluttershy said, “but do you think you could lift your face up when we're talking?”
  201. >“I'm sorry, Fluttershy,” Pinkie said, getting up. “I'm just waiting for my package to arrive--And it's taking forever!”
  202. >Fluttershy reared back for a moment at Pinkie's outburst.
  203. >Then, sensing an opportunity, she stepped back more and more until her plot bumped into your crotch.
  204. >“Oh my! Um, excuse me, I didn't think you were that close,” she said, turning around and pressing her tail against her rump.
  205. >She started fluttering her eyelashes.
  206. >“I can give you another bump, if you want.”
  207. >Oh boy, more awkward flirting.
  208. >You tried to dissuade her with silence.
  209. >She began anxiously tracing a circle on the floor with the tip of her hoof.
  210. >“So, um, you're thinking about it, right?”
  211. Fluttershy, just shut up and tell me why you're here.
  212. >“I've got a package for you,” she said, gesturing to the box in her hoof. “Do you have one for me?”
  213. >She bit her bottom lip but it flopped out soon after because it was trembling so much.
  214. >“Because if you do, I have a place where you can put it.”
  215. >You stayed silent.
  216. >She swallowed nervously.
  217. >“Your package, that is.”
  218. >She slowly lifted up her hoof and reached out for your crotch.
  219. >“If you know what I mean. . . .”
  220. >A second later she was gently rubbing a stinging red spot that was glowing on her hoof.
  221. >“Ouch.”
  222. That's what you get.
  223. >“Hey, you two!”
  224. >Pinkie was jumping all around behind the counter, her head held high.
  225. >“Can you move out of the way? Some of us are trying to see when a package is going to arrive over here.”
  226. Sheesh. Calm down, Pinkie. You're going to break something.
  227. >The noise of glass shattering caused Pinkie to stop in midair.
  228. >Fluttershy yelped in surprise and latched onto you, her arms squeezing your leg and her face pressed close against your thigh.
  229. >You turned around to find that the noise had come from Derpy Hooves.
  230. >She sat dazed amidst a colorful pile of broken glass, the shattered remnants of what had once been a vase that sat near the door.
  231. >Pinkie's ears perked up.
  232. >“I know that sound. It's the sound of a sizeable rump that's just destroyed private property.”
  233. >She gasped suddenly.
  234. >“The mail's here!”
  235. >She leaped over the counter and threw you and Fluttershy aside as easily as if she were opening a pair of curtains.
  236. >You watched from down on the floor as Pinkie rummaged through Derpy's fallen mailbag, tossing various letters and boxes over her shoulder.
  237. >“Where is it, where is it, where is it . . . ?”
  238. >Derpy got up and began approaching her.
  239. >“I am so sorry that I broke your big fancy cookie jar, Pinkie Pie.”
  240. >“Where is it?!”
  241. >“If there's anything I can do to--”
  242. >The corner of a package ricocheted off the crest of her brow, cutting her off and causing her to blink her eyes until they were straight for a moment.
  243. >You would have kept watching but you felt a great pressure pushing down on your chest.
  244. >Something was lying down on top of you, something that was shaking all over.
  245. >Then Fluttershy's face filled your vision.
  246. >“This is nice, isn't it?”
  247. Get off of me.
  248. >“Oh, you're not hurt, are you? Maybe you shouldn't get up.”
  249. Fluttershy--
  250. >“No, it's okay. We'll lie here while some pony goes for help. I don't mind it.”
  251. I'm not hurt, now get off.
  252. >“Oh, okay. Let me just help you with that.”
  253. >She bit her lip.
  254. >It flopped out again: she’d learned nothing from last time.
  255. >“Getting off, I mean.”
  256. Fluttershy!
  257. >Pinkie gasped.
  258. >“I found it!”
  259. >She emerged from the mailbag and held a small brown box up over her head.
  260. >“My package is here!”
  261. >She trotted to a secluded corner of the room and began biting into the corners of the box, ripping it apart.
  262. >You and Fluttershy helped Derpy gather up her scattered mail.
  263. >Judging from the first bundle of letters you gathered, Derpy had a real mess on her hooves.
  264. >Everything had become completely disorganized for her, names and addresses were all out of order.
  265. >Who knew how long it would take for her to get reorganized.
  266. >“So, um, Derpy, this might not be the best time, but would you happen to know if I got a letter from the Equestrian Society for the Preservation of Rare Creatures?”
  267. >Seriously Fluttershy?
  268. >Even Derpy's wonky eyes managed to express some clear contempt at this question.
  269. >Fluttershy smiled sheepishly and tapped her hooves together nervously.
  270. >“It's just that I paid extra to have it delivered as priority mail, so I thought it'd be here by now.”
  271. >Derpy huffed as she stuffed more letters into her mailbag.
  272. >“If it really is priority mail, then the letter will be delivered directly to you as soon as we receive it at the post office.”
  273. >“Thank you. It's very important.”
  274. >You remembered something.
  275. Is that letter about fixing my citizenship papers?
  276. >Fluttershy nodded.
  277. >“It’s related to it. I filed the change a while ago.”
  278. You better have. It was your fuck up in the first place.
  279. >“Don't worry about it. The second I get your new papers, I'll come and find you.”
  280. >You rolled your eyes.
  281. Yeah, you probably will.
  282. >“And then we can celebrate, maybe at my place . . . ?”
  283. >You groaned as a response.
  284. >“That's okay,” Fluttershy said quickly. “We can talk over it some more later, when the papers get here.”
  285. >“Sounds like fun,” Derpy said. “Can I come too?”
  286. >“Um . . .”
  287. >Fluttershy searched for the right words needed to let her down gently.
  288. >“No.”
  289. >It was silent after that.
  290. >You reached for the last letter only to have Fluttershy reach for it too.
  291. >She blushed when her hoof touched your hand.
  292. >“Are you sure you handle this one all by yourself?”
  293. It's the last letter.
  294. >“Oh, I guess it is,” she said, feigning surprise.
  295. >She then started rubbing the top of your hand.
  296. >”So what are you doing after this?”
  297. I'm going to smack your hoof again.
  298. >She swallowed nervously.
  299. >But her hoof didn't move off your hand.
  300. >You raised your other one, ready to strike.
  301. >“Will you at least kiss it better afterwards?”
  302. No.
  303. >Two clip-clops from the other side of the room interrupted everything.
  304. >It was Pinkie Pie, who now had on a black bobby hat and a light yellow sash, with the words 'Safety Mare' running down it in grey letters.
  305. >She raised her head triumphantly to show off the badge that was pinned onto the front of her bobby.
  306. >She was beaming as her excited eyes kept looking up at the badge, this new symbol of her authority, as though she was having a hard time believing that it was now actually there up on top of her head.
  307. >Finally she stopped her self-admiration and addressed you all:
  308. >“Junior safety mare Pinkie Pie is now officially on duty.”
  309. >You and Fluttershy stepped forward.
  310. >“That's a nice costume, Pinkie.”
  311. >Before you could say anything, Fluttershy began holding your hand with her hoof again.
  312. >You slapped it away.
  313. Yeah, it's an alright uniform for you, Pinkie. I don't really get why the bobby is there, though. This isn't England.
  314. >“Thanks, you guys,” Pinkie said. “And I don't know about England, but the safety mares have all worn these hats ever since they started.”
  315. I guess it must be a coincidence or--Would you stop trying to hold my hand!
  316. >Fluttershy flinched as you jerked yourself out from her grasp.
  317. >“I'm sorry. It's just, um . . . it excites me.”
  318. >You were about to go off on her when Pinkie suddenly screamed something:
  319. >“Proceeding with junior safety mare involvement!”
  320. >She leaped between the two of you, pushing you both out of the way for the second time that day.
  321. >She did a tuck and roll and landed a muzzle's length from Derpy's last stray letter on the floor.
  322. >Pinkie promptly returned the letter to Derpy, who's unfocused eyes had been looking everywhere but where the letter had been.
  323. >“Oh, thank you so much, junior safety mare Pinkie.”
  324. >“All in a day's work. Oh, wait, you almost forgot this one.”
  325. >Pinkie trotted over to a box that had been left on the floor.
  326. >Fluttershy, whose hoof was inches away from your hand, gasped suddenly.
  327. >“Pinkie, no!”
  328. >She flew over and ripped out the box from Pinkie's hoof.
  329. >“You can't give Derpy this package, she could lose her job.”
  330. >This box of hers was seriously starting to worry you.
  331. >Derpy closed her bag and headed for the door.
  332. >“Wait, as a junior safety mare, I’ll escort you out, to make sure you’re safe,” Pinkie said.
  333. >Derpy’s eyes lit up. “Wow. Thanks, Pinkie.”
  334. >The door was three feet away.
  335. >But Fluttershy was closer to you than that, so . . .
  336. I'll come with, too. Safety in numbers, after all.
  337. >But Fluttershy flew in front of you, blocking your way.
  338. >“Wait a second. You almost left without opening my package.”
  339. >You sighed heavily.
  340. I sure did. . . .
  341. >“How about I open it for you, sweetie?”
  342. Fluttershy, I told you--
  343. >She started cutting the strings that had been holding the box shut before you could finish your tired response.
  344. I told you not to call me . . . whatever.
  345. >Once the box had been opened, she forced it into your hands.
  346. >You took it with some reluctance.
  347. >It was surprisingly heavy and the bottom was wet and cold.
  348. >Just holding it was getting your fingers slimey.
  349. >You looked up at Fluttershy.
  350. If this is another anatomically-correct replica of your crotch, I'm going to be very upset.
  351. >“Go on, open it,” she said, waving a hoof at you encouragingly. “I promise you'll like it.”
  352. >You swallowed nervously.
  353. >Nothing could make you feel dread like Fluttershy's enthusiasm could.
  354. >You pulled back the flaps of the box, trying to ignore Fluttershy's excited squeaking noises while doing so.
  355. >The box was full of damp black soil.
  356. >You looked up to see a very-pleased Fluttershy.
  357. It's dirt.
  358. >She nodded.
  359. >No expounding was provided afterwards.
  360. >It set your teeth on edge.
  361. So what does it mean, Fluttershy?
  362. >She simply smiled at your frustration before staring at the dirt and gently saying:
  363. >“Okay, you can come introduce yourselves now.”
  364. >The soil began to break at the top in several small spots, and from out of these pinholes there rose up many earthworms, all of them wiggling like charmed snakes.
  365. >Their tiny heads pointed up at your face and they all gave you a simultaneous, almost-rehearsed bow.
  366. Cute.
  367. >The worms all nodded, again simultaneously.
  368. >You turned to Fluttershy and cut right to the chase.
  369. They're nice worms, but they aren't my fetish.
  370. >“Oh, I know.”
  371. Then why are you wasting my time? Why did you give them to me?
  372. >“Worms on their own can't be a fetish guess, that would be silly.”
  373. Sure it would.
  374. >“It's what you, um, do with the worms that matters.”
  375. And just what, in your demented mind, do you expect me to do with these worms?
  376. >She briefly hid her reddening face behind her mane before attempting to explain.
  377. >“It's called earthworm cock vore. . . .”
  378. >She didn't get much further after this before you shoved the box back at her and began shouting out your input.
  379. I am not putting earthworms in my dick!
  380. >You showed Fluttershy your back.
  381. >She began hovering near your shoulder and talking directly to your ear.
  382. >“I'm not saying you should.”
  383. Yes, you are. That's exactly what you said to do.
  384. >“I said one,” she clarified, “one earthworm. I never said earthworms.”
  385. Oh yeah, sure, my bad. I guess I didn't listen very closely to the crazy mare that wants me to put worms in my dick.
  386. >“One worm.”
  387. Whatever.
  388. >“Any more than that and they could get stuck, maybe even hurt.”
  389. Well I'm glad you're so concerned about them!
  390. >“I'm concerned about you too, it's just that you won't feel it as much as they will when they start going in.”
  391. I don't believe that at all.
  392. >“You don't have to be scared.”
  393. >After rolling her off a few times, Fluttershy was finally able to put a reassuring hoof on your shoulder.
  394. >“I'll be with you the entire time it's happening, just to make sure that you're comfortable.”
  395. I'd feel more comfortable shoving worms up my dick at gunpoint than I would doing it with you present.
  396. >“Not worms, though. It's just one,” she said, trying to sound reassuring.
  397. >Then Fluttershy thought to herself for a moment.
  398. >“Although, if the first one goes well, then who's to say we can't add any more.”
  399. Who's to say? How about me!
  400. >“I do really think you'll like it, if you'll just . . .”
  401. >She reached around you with the box in her hoof, trying to shove it so that it was right beneath your nose.
  402. >You broke away from her.
  403. Fluttershy, just get away from me.
  404. >“Just try it once,” she said, following you as you paced around the room. “You wouldn't want to disappoint them, would you?”
  405. Disappoint who?
  406. >“The worms.”
  407. >She flew in front of you and shoved the box in your face.
  408. >“I told them all about what was in store for them, and they've been eager to try it ever since.”
  409. >The worms were all pointed up at you again and they were nodding along with what she was saying.
  410. >Seeing this, your stomach began turning over, as though it was a washing machine that was full of your own sick.
  411. >You pushed the box out of the way and made a beeline for the door.
  412. God, I hate Equestria!
  413. >Fluttershy flew back in front of you.
  414. >“Just try it once.”
  415. Get away from me.
  416. >“Please?”
  417. >You turned and began pacing the room, trying to lose her; but she kept on you.
  418. >“You won't know if you like it unless you try it first.”
  419. They're not vegetables, Fluttershy. Now fuck off!
  420. >“Just once. Come on. It took me a really long time to dig these little guys up. There's over six inches of snow outside.”
  421. Oh my God!
  422. >You angrily turned on her and glared right into her eyes.
  423. Fluttershy, just go away. Now!
  424. >She looked away for a second before reasserting herself.
  425. >“No.”
  426. You fucking--
  427. >“Hey, you two!”
  428. >You both stopped.
  429. >Standing a few feet away was Pinkie Pie, now posed with her head held high and a steely, serious gaze directed at you both.
  430. >Her eyes flicked just to the side of you.
  431. >“Fluttershy, I want to talk to you. Can you please come here?”
  432. >It was definitely not a question.
  433. >Pinkie even pointed down at the floor in front of her, as though she felt her friend needed direction.
  434. >Fluttershy slouched, keeping her head down as she flew over.
  435. >She obediently landed before Pinkie, and the tip of her nervous hoof idly scraped at the floor.
  436. >“Yes, Pinkie, what is it?”
  437. >Pinkie said nothing at first.
  438. >She reached into her mane and pulled out a little book and a pen.
  439. >“I just want to ask you a few questions.”
  440. >“O-Okay. . . .”
  441. >“Did you know that what you were doing just then was a crime?”
  442. >“What?!” Fluttershy reared back. “Pinkie, I--”
  443. >“Can it, sister, and answer my question.”
  444. >Fluttershy folded her ears back.
  445. >“No,” she lied. “No, I didn't, I mean--”
  446. >“Well it is,” Pinkie said, nodding to herself. “Unwelcome and inappropriate behavior, like the kind you were displaying--it's sexual harassment.”
  447. >Holy shit!
  448. >Finally, someone else said it!
  449. >You felt like jumping up in the air and proclaiming your assent to the heavens.
  450. >In fact only Fluttershy looked at all confused.
  451. >“Sexual harassment? . . . But it's not unwelcome or inappropriate.”
  452. >She then flew up next to you and gestured between you and her.
  453. >“We have an understanding when it comes to this sort of thing.”
  454. No we don't.
  455. >“Yes, and--What?”
  456. >Fluttershy turned to you.
  457. >“What do you mean no?”
  458. There's no understanding or anything of the sort between us.
  459. >Fluttershy still looked lost.
  460. >“No, no. See, I love you, but you don't love me yet. That's why you let me do the fetish guesses, so that can change someday.”
  461. I don't let you do the fetish guesses. That's just you bothering me.
  462. >“Well, yes, but it’s only bothering because we haven't found the right one yet.”
  463. I don't want to find the right one, I want you to leave me alone.
  464. >“Yes, I know,” she said, snuggling up against your side. “That's why we have to hurry and find your fetish, so that we can change that together.”
  465. >She sighed in contentment as she brushed her cheek against your arm.
  466. >“I just want you to be happy, that's all.”
  467. >You gestured to Pinkie, as though to ask her if she was currently seeing the same shit that you were seeing.
  468. >Pinkie nodded solemnly.
  469. >A moment later Fluttershy pulled off a filled-out slip of paper from her forehead, where Pinkie had stuck it.
  470. >Fluttershy frowned after looking it over.
  471. >“You're giving me a ticket!”
  472. >“That's right,” Pinkie said, wiping her hooves off as though she'd just finished a dirty job. “Sorry Fluttershy, but I'm a junior safety mare now, so I couldn't give you a break even if I wanted to.”
  473. >You could have kissed Pinkie at that moment.
  474. >Seeing Fluttershy's utter bafflement just made you want to jump for joy.
  475. >Fluttershy sighed tiredly as she studied the ticket.
  476. >“I guess you really are a safety mare after all.”
  477. >She blinked and stalled for a moment.
  478. >“And, um, what is a safety mare, exactly?”
  479. >Pinkie explained, and after hearing all about how happy she was to have this new duty, Fluttershy showed her friend some leniency.
  480. >“Well Pinkie, if this is what makes you happy, then I'll try not to get in any more trouble from now on.”
  481. >“Aw . . . thanks, Fluttershy. That’d be great. I don't like giving my friends tickets.”
  482. >Pinkie's voice turned grave.
  483. >“Fluttershy, that means no more harassing him, either.”
  484. >She pointed at you.
  485. >Fluttershy waved a hoof dismissively.
  486. >“Oh, don't worry, I won't harass him anymore.”
  487. I doubt that.
  488. >But Pinkie ignored you and gave Fluttershy an affirmative nod.
  489. >“Good on you, Fluttershy. How about you take the initiative and be the first to leave?”
  490. >Fluttershy's ears fell back.
  491. >“You mean now . . . ? Um, I guess I could. . . .”
  492. >She looked about the room first, searching the faces for any signs of hesitancy.
  493. >When she got to you, you waved towards the door.
  494. Go on, get out of here.
  495. >Finally feeling defeated, she muttered out a weak agreement and started flying to the door.
  496. >“Fluttershy, wait!”
  497. >She turned swiftly around, her eyes shining with hope.
  498. >“Y-Yes?”
  499. >“Don't forget to take your package with you.”
  500. >She visibly deflated, her shoulders sagging, as Pinkie shoved the box into her friend's hooves.
  501. >“After all this, I'd hate to have to give you another ticket for bringing animals to a place where ponies eat.”
  502. >“I guess,” Fluttershy sighed. “I do already owe fifteen bits.”
  503. >She hung her head meekly as she exited the bakery.
  504. That was great, Pinkie. You really--
  505. >A piece of paper was shoved into your hand.
  506. >You read it over.
  507. Disturbing the peace?!
  508. >You read it over more.
  509. Twenty-five bits? That's more than Fluttershy's!
  510. >“Sorry,” Pinkie said, shrugging, “but you were arguing really loudly with her while I was on duty. I can't just let that slide.”
  511. >You just shook your head.
  512. I really hate Equestria.
  513. >There was no way you were going to be paying for this.
  514. Whatever, Pinkie, I'm out of here.
  515. >At the door, her face pressed against the foggy glass, was Fluttershy, waiting for you to exit.
  516. >Upon catching sight of you facing her, her excited eyes filled with stars and her tongue fell out the side of her mouth.
  517. >You slowly turned back around.
  518. I'm going out the back.
  519. >“Yeah, that's probably a good idea,” Pinkie said.
  520. I am not paying this ticket, though. Just saying.
  521. >“But you have to. You'll get in seriously big trouble if you're late paying off a ticket.”
  522. She was harassing me! I'm not paying it.
  523. >Pinkie bit her bottom lip nervously, looking conflicted.
  524. >“Okay, okay, I'll help you out. Here, let me see it.”
  525. >You stopped and, turning to Pinkie, smiled.
  526. Now we're getting somewhere.
  527. >After handing her the ticket, Pinkie took out her pen and began scribbling on it.
  528. >She gave it back to you after a minute.
  529. >Nothing had changed.
  530. >All she'd done is draw a smiley face next to the amount you had to pay.
  531. >“Did you find my smiley?” she asked.
  532. >Your eyes grimly peered over the top of the paper to meet hers.
  533. >“Does that make you feel any better about it?”
  534. >You pretended to think it over.
  535. . . . No.
  536. >Then you got up and began walking swiftly towards the bakery, heading for the backdoor.
  537. >There was no way you were paying for this ticket.
  538.  
  539. >Yeah, you had to pay off this ticket.
  540. >The first thing you did when you got home was check to see whether a junior public safety mare was actually a real position.
  541. >Because you could never really be sure when it came to Pinkie.
  542. >Twilight had given you the Big Book of Equestria's Laws and Statutes way back when all this Fluttershy stuff was first beginning.
  543. >You naively thought that Fluttershy would leave you alone if you proved to her that her harassment was indeed a crime.
  544. >Instead all you got from her was, “Oh,” followed by, “Well, if you want, you can come over to my cottage and we can talk and cuddle about it a little.”
  545. >Then she hugged you and started rubbing her cheek on your dick.
  546. >But you found a way to escape her easily.
  547. >You dropped the book on her head.
  548. >For a while afterwards, you found the book useful as a bludgeoning device.
  549. >Fluttershy would always stop her approach and then trot in the opposite direction if she saw the book was in your hand.
  550. >Though fear of the law had briefly affected her, it would not last.
  551. >Eventually she claimed that she had a great idea.
  552. >She really did too, and the next day you saw her, she had proven that the law was obsolete.
  553. >She was wearing a helmet.
  554. >You put the book away after that failure and allowed yourself to forget about it.
  555. >But today found you pulling it out from under the mess of expired coupons, cast-off junk mail, scattered pens and questionably-charged batteries that filled up your junk drawer.
  556. >You had to blow dust off the pages you looked through, but the book did confirm that Pinkie's position was legitimate.
  557. >Pinkie Pie was now a public servant.
  558. >A pony who had authority over others.
  559. >The idea made you shudder.
  560. >Then it made you sick.
  561. >Because this meant that her tickets were real, and not paying them meant that you would be punished up to the fullest extent of the law.
  562. >There was just no way around it.
  563. >You didn’t even get around to putting the book away until the next morning.
  564. >With an indignant huff, you tossed the book back into the drawer.
  565. Goddammit Pinkie!
  566. >There were three gentle, familiar knocks at your door.
  567. Oh, no, that's great, I wanted this day to get worse anyway.
  568. >You looked up, up past the ceiling, so you could curse the heavens.
  569. Thank you. Thanks a lot!
  570. >You slammed the junk drawer closed and went to answer the door.
  571. >Of course it was Fluttershy who was on your front step.
  572. >It was a cold day and she was shivering beneath her baby blue wool sweater.
  573. >“Do you think you could let me inside today?”
  574. No.
  575. >She opened her mouth to speak but, before she could say anything, you stuck your unpaid ticket onto the end of her cold muzzle.
  576. You're taking care of this shit for me. It's your fault I even got it in the first place.
  577. >Her eyes crossed downwards, looking down at the ticket that was hanging off her nose.
  578. >“Um, okay.”
  579. >She slipped the ticket into her saddlebags.
  580. >“I wish you would have given this to me yesterday, I just finished paying off my own ticket before coming over here.”
  581. Yeah, that's nice. Why are you here? You know Pinkie told you not to harass me anymore.
  582. >“I'm not harassing you,” she said, sounding offended. “We're just talking.”
  583. >Yeah, for now.
  584. >But you were sure that that was going to change, it always did with her.
  585. >You were going and getting Pinkie when that happened.
  586. >For now, though, you were just talking.
  587. I wish we weren't, though.
  588. >Fluttershy pawed shyly at the snow on the ground.
  589. >“I just came by to check up on a few things.”
  590. Like what?
  591. >“Just a few things.”
  592. What are those things?
  593. >She smiled suddenly, a big bright one.
  594. >That was when you realized that you had fucked up.
  595. >“Well after what happened yesterday, I was feeling pretty down, what with not being able to finish your fetish guess.”
  596. Really? Because I felt great about that.
  597. >“Yes, really," she huffed. “So I spent the night thinking, and now I've got a new fetish for us to try out together.”
  598. >Wonderful.
  599. >Since you lived pretty far out from town, Fluttershy liked to wear her fetish guesses plainly whenever she intruded on you at your home.
  600. >Usually you could tell what fetish it was she was going for just by giving her a once over.
  601. >So you looked her over to see if you could find out what it was going to be this time.
  602. >She was wearing winter clothing but there was nothing sexual about it.
  603. >Anything could have been in her saddlebags, you had to watch out there.
  604. >But other than that, there was nothing that was odd about her that plainly stuck out to you.
  605. >Maybe whatever she had in mind for you today wasn't going to be so bad.
  606. >Maybe Pinkie didn't have to get involved this time.
  607. >It wouldn't be so bad this time.
  608. >It was just Fluttershy.
  609. >Fluttershy and her diaper.
  610. >Same as it ever was--
  611. >Oh.
  612. >Wait.
  613. >Oh no. . . .
  614. >Seeing your expression widen in horror, Fluttershy blushed and turned so you could get a better look at the diaper she was wearing.
  615. >“I, um, heard that some ponies can get turned on when diapers are involved.”
  616. >She started wiggling her rump seductively.
  617. >You could hear the biting winter air whistling as it flew in between the cracks and crevices of Fluttershy's padded backside.
  618. >“Don't be shy,” she said between whistles. “You can, um, pat my crinkly bottom, if you want.”
  619. I'm telling on you to Pinkie.
  620. >Fluttershy's face fell.
  621. >“W-What? Wait, don't!”
  622. Too late. I'm telling Pinkie you tried to get me to fuck you while you wore a diaper.
  623. >You paused.
  624. I won't say it too loud if anyone else is around, though.
  625. >You took a step outside.
  626. >The wind blew past you, biting right through your thin pajamas and setting your ears ablaze with cold.
  627. >You froze in place.
  628. >Then, clamping your fingers beneath your armpits, you took a few shaky steps backwards.
  629. >Safe within the doorframe, and guarded from the wind, you wiped the leaky snot from your nose and addressed Fluttershy:
  630. I'm getting dressed first.
  631. >“I can help you with that, if you--”
  632. >You slammed the door in her face.
  633. >Surprisingly, Fluttershy was still on your front step when you had finished putting your winter clothes on.
  634. >Even more surprising was that the diaper was nowhere to be seen.
  635. >She made a grand gesture to her now bare rump.
  636. >“Look, the diaper's gone. Now you don't have to tell Pinkie on me.”
  637. >She must have put it in her saddlebags.
  638. >Oh well.
  639. Nah, it's too late for that. I'm still going to tell on you.
  640. >You pushed past her and started down your snowy drive.
  641. >Fluttershy hovered next to your ear, pleading with you to not tell on her to Pinkie.
  642. >“Please don't tell . . . I'll do anything . . . and I do mean anything . . . and that means anything, like, anything you want to do to me . . . please. . . ."
  643. >You ignored her.
  644. >She didn’t take it well.
  645. >“Oh, some pony help me, please . . .”
  646. >About halfway down your drive, you found the diaper.
  647. >It had been thrown about twelve feet out onto the large snowbanks that had once been your lawn.
  648. >Well, now that was going to be there until spring.
  649. >Why couldn't she have just put it in her saddlebags?
  650. >Fucking Fluttershy.
  651.  
  652. >Fluttershy was still pleading with you as you entered Sugarcube Corner.
  653. >“. . . It's just that, ponies that get multiple tickets can get in serious trouble . . .”
  654. >You kept ignoring her and began scanning the room for Pinkie.
  655. >“. . . and I know you wouldn't be able to bear the guilt if something bad were to happen to me. Right?”
  656. We'll see. Where's Pinkie?
  657. >Just then Pinkie popped up from behind the front counter and began chatting with the stallion there.
  658. >After a moment, the stallion nodded.
  659. >“Thank you, Pinkie.”
  660. >“No problemo. Oh, and by the way, I know that you took more than one peppermint candy from the free candy dish.”
  661. >The stallion balked.
  662. >“Oh, well, I--”
  663. >“But don't worry about it, it's not actually illegal, so I don't have to bust you. I'm a junior safety mare now, you know.”
  664. >She held up her sash, which she had decorated with glitter and a few rainbow and smiley face stickers since yesterday.
  665. >The stallion stared at it for a moment.
  666. >“R-Right,” he said slowly.
  667. >After he'd left, the two of you approached the counter.
  668. >“Hey, you guys,” Pinkie said. “You two been staying out of trouble lately?”
  669. >“Um, funny you should say that,” Fluttershy began. “You see, we--”
  670. No, because dumb-dumb over here came over to my house today with a diaper on.
  671. >“Wow!” Pinkie shouted. “Your house had a diaper on?”
  672. I meant her!
  673. >Seeing your finger pointed at her, Fluttershy's head began trying to retract itself down in between her shoulders.
  674. >Pinkie frowned.
  675. >“Oh.”
  676. >Then she reached up into her mane and pulled out her ticketbook and pen.
  677. >“Tell me about it, then.”
  678. I just did. Come on, Pinkie, you know what she's like.
  679. >“Yeah, but this is a lot more serious than last time,” Pinkie said. “This would be a repeat offense, the penalty for this would be nearly double what it was before.”
  680. >Fluttershy folded her ears.
  681. >“Oh dear.”
  682. >You pumped your fist.
  683. Fuck yeah! You have no idea how happy that makes me, Pinkie.
  684. >“So, of course, I'm going to need some proof before I can do anything official, like write up a ticket.”
  685. >There was a pause.
  686. >Then Fluttershy sighed in relief.
  687. >“Well, thank goodness for that.”
  688. Oh come on! Pinkie! You know exactly what I'm talking about here. You know she's capable.
  689. >“Sorry, but I need some proof it happened,” Pinkie said, shrugging. “I can get you some muffins, though. Would that help?”
  690. Not really. Sorry, Pinkie.
  691. >“Aw. Well, if you change your mind, I'll be here making them look super yummy.”
  692. >She turned her attention to arranging the muffins in the display case.
  693. >This left you time to think.
  694. >Or it would have, if Fluttershy wasn't tugging on the leg of your pants.
  695. >“So what are we doing after this, sweetie?”
  696. Shut up, Fluttershy. I'm trying to think.
  697. >You turned your back to her, trying to focus.
  698. >It shouldn't be too hard to get proof that Fluttershy was still harassing you.
  699. >You just had to think--
  700. >Fluttershy had started kneading your ass like it was dough.
  701. >. . . Well then.
  702. >Guess all you had to was turn around in front of her.
  703. Hey, Pinkie!
  704. >Soon Pinkie was facing Fluttershy, both of them solemn, as Pinkie ripped the slip of paper out from her ticketbook.
  705. >Pinkie reached out past her friend's outstretched hoof and placed the ticket directly onto her muzzle, retaining her quiet solemn demeanor throughout.
  706. >Fluttershy plucked the ticket off, looked it over and sighed.
  707. >“I'm really sorry,” Pinkie said.
  708. >“I know, it's okay.”
  709. This is fantastic.
  710. >They both turned to stare at you dully.
  711. >But you shrugged off their critical looks.
  712. Hey, you girls can't shame me.
  713. >You turned to leave.
  714. I got exactly what I wanted out of all this, and I feel great about it.
  715. >“Well I don't,” Fluttershy said in a huff. “Now wait up for me, mister.”
  716. >“Wait, Fluttershy!”
  717. >Pinkie grabbed her friend's tail.
  718. >“I know the two of you are cute together, but if you keep following him around when he doesn't want you to, then I'll have to give you another ticket.”
  719. >“I don't care anymore,” Fluttershy said, pulling against Pinkie. “I'll pay over a hundred tickets, as long as it means I get to be near my sweetie.”
  720. Stop calling me that.
  721. >“But Fluttershy, you don't understand. If you get in trouble again, I'll have to book you.”
  722. >“Fine. I have a helmet for that anyway.”
  723. >“No, I mean that I'll have to take you in.”
  724. >Fluttershy stopped pulling after this.
  725. >“Take me in?”
  726. >“Yeah, to the pokey.”
  727. >Your eyes widened in excitement.
  728. No way!
  729. >Fluttershy looked confused.
  730. >Pinkie went on:
  731. >“You know, the slammer, the farm, the big house, the cell, the hoosegow, the joint, the castle, the iron bar hotel, the rape--”
  732. You're going straight to jail, Fluttershy.
  733. >“What?!”
  734. >Fluttershy gasped.
  735. >“Jail? As in, prison!”
  736. >Her entire being seemed to shrink, as though a spotlight had just shone on her, and she started hyperventilating.
  737. >Pinkie wrapped a comforting arm around her as she collapsed to the floor.
  738. >“Fluttershy, it's okay. You won't go to jail as long as you don't harass him.”
  739. >“But I can't just ignore my love. I can't!”
  740. >She whined to herself, thinking everything over again.
  741. >“Oh, but I can't go to jail either. Who'll feed my animals, or take care of Angel, or make sure that my sweetie is happy while I'm gone?”
  742. >She began to holding her head in despair, completely lost in her own little world by that point.
  743. >You smiled.
  744. Well, see you later, Fluttershy--and then never again after that.
  745. >You went out the door, leaving her in a panicked heap behind you.
  746. >You could actually get Fluttershy sent to jail.
  747. >It was all you were able to think about on the walk back home.
  748. >And, by God, you were going to do it.
  749. >You were going to get rid of that horse.
  750. >It's crazy, just a couple days ago, you would have wondered what was wrong with you for saying what you were about to say.
  751. >But now . . .
  752. I can't wait to see Fluttershy again.
  753. >And you could count on routine to make that happen.
  754.  
  755. >Sure enough, the next morning, you heard three gentle knocks on your door.
  756. >Fluttershy was dressed in her usual winter clothes but had nothing else with her.
  757. >No saddlebags this time.
  758. >And no diaper either.
  759. >That'd make your job a bit harder--you had been so sure that she was going to screw up immediately.
  760. >You still matched her warm greeting, regardless.
  761. >There was still time in the day for her to relapse.
  762. Well hello, Fluttershy. I see you haven't got a fetish guess for me today.
  763. >“No. But I can go prepare one and come back, if you want. I'd be quick.”
  764. I'm sure you would.
  765. >You purposefully avoided answering further.
  766. >Her hooves gently clopped as she tapped them together.
  767. >“So, um, is that a yes?”
  768. Why don't you go get the fetish ready, then come back and find out.
  769. >“No, that's okay. Maybe next time.”
  770. Sure, sure.
  771. >“I'm actually not here for anything like that.”
  772. >You didn't believe her for a second, but you acted surprised.
  773. Really?
  774. >“Yes. I just want to spend some casual time with you.”
  775. Casual time?
  776. >“Uh-huh. Just as friends.”
  777. Just friends, eh?
  778. >“Oh, yes. For now, anyway.”
  779. And there’ll be none of your crazy rape schemes?
  780. >“There'd be no romantic pressure involved whatsoever.”
  781. >She gave you a nervous, cloying smile as she dug the tip of her hoof into the snow.
  782. >“If that's okay with you.”
  783. Well it'd certainly be a change of pace.
  784. >“So can I come in?”
  785. Nope.
  786. >You gave her a fake smile and slammed the door, nearly in her face, as she leaped forward when she saw it closing.
  787. >All down the hallway you could hear the doorknob jiggling, up until you entered the bathroom for your shower.
  788. >The water sprayed your palm, beat down onto your outstretched fingers until they were bright red and steamed.
  789. >You could have accepted Fluttershy's offer and waited for her to screw up while the two of you hung out.
  790. >But who knew how long that would have taken.
  791. >Then there was the hanging out with her part.
  792. >You could imagine how that would've gone.
  793. ---
  794. >“So, um, did you know that you're out of this world?”
  795. Is that supposed to be funny because I'm an alien?
  796. >“I just thought--”
  797. Fuck off.
  798. >“Sorry. Do you want to hear what my critters got up to yesterday?”
  799. I guess.
  800. >“Well, some of the squirrels got into the nuts and ate them all before I could give them out to every other critter.”
  801. Uh-huh.
  802. >“They're such adorable little scamps. You should've seen how big their tummies were. They're still having cramps today.”
  803. Sounds cute, I guess.
  804. >“It was.”
  805. Yeah.
  806. >“Uh-huh.”
  807. Yep.
  808. >“So, do you come around here often?”
  809. I'm gonna leave this daydream now.
  810. ---
  811. >It made you cringe just imagining it.
  812. >Best to avoid all that.
  813. >That's why it was a win-win to keep Fluttershy away from you.
  814. >After a while without her sweetie, she'd be so starved for your attention that she wouldn't be able to help herself.
  815. >She'd eventually relapse, do a fetish guess or something.
  816. >Once that happened you'd tell Pinkie, and she'd get that ticket.
  817. >Then Fluttershy would be gone.
  818. >You finished washing and opened the shower curtain.
  819. >Standing before you was Fluttershy, with a bunny-print blindfold on.
  820. What the heck!
  821. >“Here's your towel,” she said, though her reach was pointed more to the soapdish than to you.
  822. >You covered yourself with the curtain.
  823. Fluttershy, what the fuck are you doing?
  824. >Her ears swiveled and she blindly turned more towards your direction.
  825. >“Oh, you're over there. Silly me.”
  826. I'm in the shower!
  827. >“And I brought you your towel.”
  828. >She started towards you, waving her hoof around to make sure she wasn't about to bump into anything.
  829. >“Can you take it please? I can't see anything.”
  830. >You smacked her hoof, which sent the towel flying onto the sink counter.
  831. >Fluttershy stood there, unaware.
  832. >“Did you get it?”
  833. Shut up, Fluttershy. I'm fucking telling Pinkie about this.
  834. >“But I'm not doing anything. I'm blindfolded. See?”
  835. >She waved her hoof before her covered eyes.
  836. >“I can't even see your beautiful naked body, or your hot monkey dick, or that nice human butt of yours--”
  837. >Her hoof began mechanically moving up to her blindfold to lift it.
  838. >“--Those beautiful glutes . . .”
  839. >She smacked her hoof down at the last minute and sunk a tooth down into her bottom lip.
  840. >“But anyway, um, yes, I can't see anything, so it doesn't really count as sexual harassment.”
  841. That sounds like absolute bullshit.
  842. >“Well, prove it isn't.”
  843. >There was no sound, except for the water swirling down the drain.
  844. I can't.
  845. >“I know.”
  846. Not off the top of my head anyway. You do know that you would have been booked right now if I had it with me.
  847. >“I know, but it's okay.”
  848. How the fuck did you get in?
  849. >“I know where your spare key is. But don't worry, I'm giving it back. So it isn't stealing, okay?”
  850. >The feathers of her wing ruffled and your spare key dropped down into her hoof.
  851. >“I'm going to toss it, so be ready.”
  852. >She gently lobbed the key towards you, though she missed your direction by nearly a foot.
  853. >It clanked against the shower floor before bouncing up and falling directly down into the drain, never to return.
  854. >You turned your grimace from the now-clogged drain over to the unaware, blindfolded idiot who broke it.
  855. >She was smiling.
  856. >“Did you get it?”
  857. >You responded by stepping out from the shower and picking up Fluttershy by the barrel.
  858. >“Oh my goodness.”
  859. >You threw her out into the hall.
  860. Get out of here!
  861. >She picked herself up off the floor and turned towards you.
  862. >“You smell nice, by the way--and I mean that platonically.”
  863. >Just then her blindfold slipped down, giving her a peek at all your wet, bare-naked glory.
  864. >Her eyes turned to pinpricks and she went red all over.
  865. >“Oh my goodness!”
  866. >Her wings popped out, knocking down a picture that you had hung on the wall nearby.
  867. >You slammed the door closed.
  868. >Fucking Fluttershy.
  869. >Your mind was full of questions as you got dressed.
  870. >Could you get her in trouble if she saw you naked accidentally?
  871. >Hell, she broke into your house.
  872. >Too bad you threw her out before you could get some proof of that.
  873. >You headed for the kitchen.
  874. >Maybe you could take your key to Pinkie as evidence.
  875. >Once you had hired a plumber to get it out of your drain, that is.
  876. >And gave Fluttershy the bill for it.
  877. >You could have done that now, if you had it.
  878. >You found the pink and yellow menace watching a pot simmer on the stove in your kitchen.
  879. >Man, you should have invested in a camera before all this.
  880. >She turned from the stove and saw you.
  881. >“There you are. Breakfast is almost ready.”
  882. When I told you to get out of here, I meant out of my house entirely. It wasn't an invite for you to move to a different part of it.
  883. >“I know.”
  884. Then why are you still here?
  885. >“I wanted us to have a nice breakfast together.”
  886. Yeah, far away from Sugarcube Corner, right?
  887. >“M-Maybe. You look nice, by the way, and it's not sexual harassment for me to say that.”
  888. >Right then it struck you: the food would be drugged.
  889. >Fluttershy always drugged any food that she gave you in the hope that you would pass out.
  890. >It was practically her life’s dream to get you in a bed with her this way.
  891. >As fucked up as that was, it worked out in your favor this time.
  892. >A sample of drugged food would be perfect evidence to give to Pinkie.
  893. >You stepped in and looked over what she had cooking.
  894. >There was a pot of oatmeal on the stove, and places were set for two on the small table near the counter.
  895. >She'd made sure to have everything prepared before you had arrived.
  896. >In other words, this food of hers was drug city.
  897. >“How does it look?”
  898. It's perfect.
  899. >“Really, so you'll eat it?”
  900. >You answered with your own disingenuous smile.
  901. I wouldn't leave this room without some.
  902. >She glowed with happiness and her wings extended, spreading out and curling upwards.
  903. >“You have no idea how glad I am to hear you say that.”
  904. Oh, I have some idea.
  905. >“This is just so wonderful. Can we hug, too?”
  906. I'm going to pretend I didn’t hear that and sit down now.
  907. >In the time it took you to turn and head for your seat, Fluttershy could be heard scrambling to prepare a bowl of oatmeal for you.
  908. >She laid it before you as you were sitting.
  909. >“Hurry and eat before it gets cold, but, um, don't burn yourself either--okay?”
  910. >As she headed back for the stove, you studied what she'd served you.
  911. >There was nothing odd or alarming about the food which showed that it'd been tampered with, no discoloration in the meal, no residues resting on the gleaming surface of the oats.
  912. >Fluttershy noticed your staring as sat down with her own bowl.
  913. >“Is something wrong?”
  914. No, it looks fine. But why don't you try your’s first?
  915. >“Why?”
  916. Just to make sure that you didn't forget to add anything.
  917. >She blinked and raised an eyebrow at you.
  918. >“But it's just oatmeal.”
  919. Then just eat it. It'll make me happy.
  920. >Fluttershy looked at you oddly before taking a spoonful of oatmeal up to her lips, blowing the steam off, and then sipping it down silently.
  921. >She smacked her lips and grinned, with no further afflictions.
  922. >Her eyes didn't roll to the back of her head, she didn't begin frothing at the mouth, and she managed to stay sitting upright in her chair, staying completely conscious throughout.
  923. >She didn’t drug the entire pot; she must have only focused on your serving.
  924. >“I think it's good. Go on and try it. I can't wait for you to taste the cinnamon.”
  925. >Cinnamon.
  926. >So that's what she called it.
  927. >She waved her hoof your way, encouraging you to try some.
  928. >You couldn't eat any of this oatmeal, though.
  929. >This was Pinkie's evidence.
  930. >Also, you didn’t want to pass out and get raped either.
  931. >But Fluttershy was really intent on getting you to eat it.
  932. >She'd even begun overselling it.
  933. >She was now licking her lips, rubbing her tummy and humming in delight, all while gesturing to the oatmeal.
  934. >"Mmm. Good!" she said while pointing at her mouth.
  935. Okay, I get it. I'm not a fucking toddler, Fluttershy.
  936. >“Sorry.”
  937. >Your mind was unfortunately still a blank as to what you should do.
  938. >You lifted a spoonful of the gruel up to your eyes and studied it closely.
  939. >Again, you saw no signs.
  940. >It just looked like normal oatmeal.
  941. >But you knew it wasn’t; one bite of this stuff would have you seeing pink elephants in no time.
  942. >“Wait, don't eat that yet.”
  943. >She flew over and took the spoon from your hands.
  944. >Then she shoved the morsel into her mouth.
  945. >She had just drugged herself.
  946. >You watched in stunned silence as she chewed.
  947. Why?
  948. >It was the only thing you could manage to say to her.
  949. Why would you do that? Why would you eat your own . . . food?
  950. >A quizzical frown remained on her face after swallowing, and it stayed there even after she'd taken three more samples from your bowl.
  951. >Her tolerance level must have been super high.
  952. >What was this, some weird flex, a display of dominance?
  953. >You scooted your chair back a bit.
  954. >Any second now, this mare was going to drop like a rock, and you did not want her headbutting your crotch.
  955. >Sure enough her head began nodding.
  956. >She closed her eyes.
  957. >“You're right, I made a mistake.”
  958. >She scooped the bowl up off the table, turning a critical eye to the pale goop.
  959. >“This barely has any of the flavor that mine has, it tastes awful.”
  960. >She flew to the sink and scraped the gruel down the drain.
  961. >“Here, I'll make you a new bowl.”
  962. >She wasn't drugged.
  963. >Both her bowl and yours had never had drugs in it; the oatmeal had never had drugs in it.
  964. >Even at intervals of her new serving, she stopped to taste the gruel, and not once did she wince from the bitter taste that drugs would have brought.
  965. >She was actually smiling, seemingly at the sweetness she tasted.
  966. >The sweetness of the gruel.
  967. >The non-drugged gruel.
  968. >Fluttershy's non-drugged gruel!
  969. >She had actually given you some food that hadn't been drugged.
  970. >The idea alone would have baffled you, but actually witnessing it had you feeling dizzy.
  971. >Completely unaware of the haze you were in, Fluttershy brought you your new bowl.
  972. >“There you go. That should taste great.”
  973. >You looked down at the piping-hot oatmeal.
  974. Yeah, it probably does.
  975. >You took a bite.
  976. >“So how is it?”
  977. It's good.
  978. >“Glad to hear it. Have some more.”
  979. >You could have easily eaten some more.
  980. >There was nothing wrong with it whatsoever.
  981. . . . Goddammit.
  982. >She paused mid-chew.
  983. >“What?”
  984. >It was just normal gruel.
  985. >This was not what you needed at all.
  986. Goddammit, Fluttershy!
  987. >You stood up and threw your spoon down noisily into the bowl.
  988. You know what you're fucking doing, so stop wasting my time with this bullshit, Fluttershy! Fuck you!
  989. >You stomped out of the room, leaving Fluttershy to sit there in stunned silence.
  990. >“What just happened . . . ?”
  991.  
  992. >You left the house, despite Fluttershy still being in the kitchen when you had gone.
  993. >You weren't sure where you were going, but you had to get away from that pony, even if it was just for a little bit.
  994. >Snow flurries drifted down onto the tip of your nose from the grey sheet of clouds covering the sky.
  995. >That was fine to you.
  996. >You would have still kept going even if you had walked out into the middle of a blizzard.
  997. >You only got halfway down the front walk before you heard her calling out to you.
  998. >She was soon hovering next to your shoulder.
  999. >“Are you okay?” she said, a comforting hoof reaching out to you. “You look upset about something.”
  1000. Stay away from me.
  1001. >You brushed her compassion away with a curt roll of your shoulder.
  1002. Just leave me alone, I don't want you following me around all day.
  1003. >“I don't have to follow you. If you tell me where we're going, I can catch up later.”
  1004. Fuck off, Fluttershy.
  1005. >You stormed ahead of her and she hung back, for a while, before coming up on your heel again.
  1006. >“You thought the food I'd made was drugged, didn't you?”
  1007. Nah, that's why I didn't eat any.
  1008. >“What?”
  1009. Of course I thought it was drugged. You've never given me food that hasn't been drugged.
  1010. >You began listing examples, extending a finger each time a new one came up.
  1011. Pill sandwiches, sedative soups, tranquilizer teas, cold medicine coffees--
  1012. >“They were all tasty though, right?”
  1013. Do I need to continue?
  1014. >“No, no, I get it.”
  1015. And I expect it by now, so don't act all offended that I didn't eat your oatmeal.
  1016. >“You know, you're acting like you're upset that I didn't try to drug you.”
  1017. You really ought to hear yourself when you say things like that.
  1018. >“Well it's just kind of weird is all I'm saying.”
  1019. You're calling me weird?!
  1020. >You quickly covered your tracks with forced scorn.
  1021. Look, I know what you are, you're a rapist. You may say that you're just trying to spend quality time with me, but I know that it all just leads back to you trying to get into my pants.
  1022. So you've got no right at all to be calling me weird or dishonest when you're the one that's lying in the hopes that, one day, you may be able to satisfy your fucked up bestiality kink.
  1023. >Despite her folded ears, she managed a meager protest.
  1024. >“It's xenophilia, actually.”
  1025. >You scoffed and walked ahead of her again.
  1026. Just leave me alone, Fluttershy.
  1027. >“Wait up, you still haven't told me where we're going yet.”
  1028.  
  1029. >You suffered under Fluttershy's constant presence during your entire walk to the marketplace.
  1030. >You found Pinkie near Carrot Top’s stand.
  1031. >She was standing over Rumble, who was looking up at her dully.
  1032. >“So you didn't know the coupon was expired before you tried to underpay?” Pinkie said. “Sounds like a likely story to me, and likely stories don't convince, kid.”
  1033. >“Look, my mom gave me the coupon, I didn't know,” Rumble said. “Are you even a real cop?”
  1034. >“Watch it, pal. I may be pink, but you don't want to see me when I turn red.”
  1035. >She pressed a button on the rim of her bobby and the little police light atop it turned on and began spinning.
  1036. >You and Fluttershy entered the market.
  1037. >“I'm just saying, would you have felt better if I had drugged your food?”
  1038. You're really upsetting me right now.
  1039. >Upon seeing you both, Pinkie disengaged Rumble and approached you.
  1040. >“You know, I like that I've been seeing the two of you cuties together so often now.”
  1041. Well you shouldn't. Fluttershy has been annoying me out of house and home. Is that a crime? Can you please take her to jail now?
  1042. >Pinkie trained her eyes on you for a moment before she turned to Fluttershy.
  1043. >“Don't mind him, Pinkie. He's just angry that I didn't drug his food today.”
  1044. >“Huh, really? That's weird.”
  1045. >“Yes, well--”
  1046. >“I mean, you usually do drug his food, don't you?”
  1047. >Fluttershy paused; her mouth was left hanging open.
  1048. >“It's, well . . .”
  1049. >After another long pause, she let out a nervous laugh.
  1050. >Then she turned and grasped your leg.
  1051. >“Help me, I’ve got nothing.”
  1052. >You kicked her off.
  1053. It's been a special kind of day, Pinkie.
  1054. >Facedown in the snow came Fluttershy’s muffled agreement.
  1055. >She picked her head up, spit out some snow, and said:
  1056. >“We've been spending more time together today than we ever have before.”
  1057. Yeah, let's leave it at that. For now, anyway. . . .
  1058. >Pinkie gave you a small smile and a respectful tip from her bobby before turning away to resume her patrol.
  1059. >You broke away quickly, trying to put distance between you and Fluttershy.
  1060. >But as soon as you had entered a nearby alley, Fluttershy had picked herself up out of the snow and was hot on your heels.
  1061. >Rows of emptied carts, with tarps and blankets draped over to protect them from the snow, were your only companions in the alley.
  1062. >“So where to next?”
  1063. >Aside from Fluttershy.
  1064. >“If you don't have any ideas, I have some suggestions.”
  1065. >You turned away only to find she'd flown over you and landed to where your eyes could see her.
  1066. >“If you're not pressed for time, I know lots of fun things we could do together. I have lists at home--several!”
  1067. >You turned away again, and she quickly followed to stay in your line of sight, again.
  1068. >She landed before you; you stopped in your tracks as she looked up at you with those big blue eyes.
  1069. >Her presence was like those eyes, unavoidable wherever you went, insufferable beyond imagination.
  1070. >“We can go back to my cottage, have some tea, and then plan out the rest of our time forever--”
  1071. >She scrunched her muzzle.
  1072. >“Our time together, that's what I meant. But, um, forever is nice too.”
  1073. >Her wings fluttered at the thought and she gently picked herself up, keeping only the tips of her front hooves on the ground as she beamed at you.
  1074. >A cold wind whipped up and blew throughout your soul, wracking your body with shivers.
  1075. >Though the harsh wind blew in her face, Fluttershy never flinched from her loving, devoted stare towards you.
  1076. >No matter where you might have moved, her eyes would have followed, like a rapey Mona Lisa.
  1077. >This was worse than her trying to rape you--at least that was over quicker.
  1078. >The way things were going now, she was set on never leaving you alone again.
  1079. >Another cold wind crept up, this time from within your soul, and you felt a single tear drip down from your dry eye.
  1080. >So this is what it felt like to have your soul leave your body.
  1081. >Why hadn't she tried anything yet?
  1082. >Here she'd had every opportunity to drug your food, to screw up and get herself in trouble.
  1083. >She should have given in, you'd never known her to have self-control of any kind.
  1084. >Was she so incompetent at everything that she couldn't even be a rapist the one time that you actually needed her to be?
  1085. >You could no longer afford to wait for her to screw up on her own.
  1086. >It was time to go on the offensive.
  1087. >It was time to do something bold.
  1088. Fluttershy, go away.
  1089. >“No.”
  1090. Okay, that's it! You want to play hardball, Fluttershy?
  1091. >She blinked once, not understanding.
  1092. >“What's hardball?”
  1093. You want to see hardball?
  1094. >Your hands flew down to your waist, her eyes intently following.
  1095. >You hooked the bottom of your waistband with your curled-up thumbs.
  1096. Here you go!
  1097. >“What are you--Oh my!”
  1098. >Fluttershy covered her mouth in shock as you pulled your winter pants down.
  1099. >She was completely fixated, never once looking away as you slid them down past your legs, down until they laid over your boots in a wrinkled heap of collapsed polyester.
  1100. >Then, placing your hands on your hips, you jutted your waist forward.
  1101. >Your package had been presented to Fluttershy.
  1102. >Well, your cold, snow-shrunken package, anyway.
  1103. >You pursed your lips and hissed down at him:
  1104. Come on, work with me here.
  1105. >You batted your junk around a bit, just to wake him up.
  1106. >Fluttershy watched, her eyes growing bigger with every light slap, and her burning red face heating up so much that any snowflakes that drifted nearby her were doomed to melt in midair.
  1107. >With open palms, you made a grand gesture down at your now-presentable package.
  1108. There it is, just for you!
  1109. >Fluttershy gave no indication that she had heard you at all.
  1110. >She stood stock still, not daring to move or speak, lest the image before her would prove to be an illusion that would fade away if she were to act.
  1111. >But that was no good.
  1112. >She had to at least touch it if you were going to get her in trouble with Pinkie.
  1113. >This shy pony was going to need a little push.
  1114. What do you think of it?
  1115. >She brought her hoof down slowly and swallowed a lump in her throat.
  1116. >“I want. . . .”
  1117. >That was all she said.
  1118. >Then she resorted to caveman speak.
  1119. >“I mean . . . I like . . . I just . . . I do . . . it just . . . I . . . want to . . . just I . . . Huh?”
  1120. >She kept stopping and starting like this, all while staring wide-eyed and open-mouthed at your bare glory.
  1121. >It was like your penis had broken her brain or something.
  1122. >Meanwhile your ass was getting frostbite.
  1123. >You had to speed this up some more.
  1124. >Getting caught in an alley with your pants down--and with Fluttershy no less--was the last thing you needed.
  1125. You like what you see, Fluttershy?
  1126. >Panting heavily, she smacked her wet lips and nodded slowly.
  1127. >“Yes. . . .”
  1128. Do you want to come closer?
  1129. >“I-I-I--”
  1130. >Her legs began trembling but they wouldn't move.
  1131. >This mare was struggling.
  1132. >You egged her on more, grabbing the base of your shaft and pointing yourself so that you were right in line with her muzzle.
  1133. >She audibly shuddered, her eyes crossing at the sight of it.
  1134. You like it?
  1135. >“I do,” she whispered.
  1136. >She bit her bottom lip and smiled, her eyes closing halfway.
  1137. >“I love it.”
  1138. You love it?
  1139. >“Oh, yes, I do. It's all I ever wanted.”
  1140. It really is. After so many attempts, after so much time. . . .
  1141. >Your chuckle was full with swelled pride.
  1142. So are you going to do something about it?
  1143. >“I . . . Yes. Yes, I am.”
  1144. >She slowly picked her shaky hoof up off the ground.
  1145. >“I can't help myself. I have to do this.”
  1146. Then do it.
  1147. >“Okay.”
  1148. >She brought her hoof up.
  1149. >Then placed it next to her mouth, turned around and began trotting back towards the marketplace.
  1150. >“Pinkie! Pinkie, he pulled his dick out! Help me!”
  1151. What? No. She’s lying, Pinkie, don’t listen to her!
  1152. >In a moment of athletic grace, you started running after her while trying to pull your pants up at the same time.
  1153. >You immediately fell face-first into the snow.
  1154. >Your frostbitten bare ass was pointed up in the air: two hairy mountains, stung with cold, as raw and red and wrinkled as overripe peach pits.
  1155.  
  1156. >Your pants were hiked up to your knees when a filled-out slip of paper was tapped onto the head of your dick.
  1157. >“Boop!”
  1158. Goddammit, Pinkie.
  1159. >You ripped the slip off.
  1160. Why would you even put that there?
  1161. >“To cover your shame, silly.”
  1162. I was in the middle of pulling my pants up.
  1163. >“Uh-huh. They're still down, by the way.”
  1164. That's because you--
  1165. >Pinkie smiled, a squeaking sound accompanying it.
  1166. >You stopped and rolled your eyes.
  1167. Forget it.
  1168. >“Okay. But you should really cover up. Just look at your legs. They're blushing.”
  1169. >She pointed out your stinging red partially-frostbitten thighs.
  1170. >“I mean, are they supposed to change color like that when it's cold, or are you just some kind of chilly chameleon?”
  1171. >You gave her a short look.
  1172. You done yet?
  1173. >“Yep. Just waiting on you to cover those legs before they get any more pinkie.”
  1174. >She gasped suddenly.
  1175. >“Oh my gosh. Why didn't I see it before? Your legs turn into my legs when it gets cold. That's amazing.”
  1176. >She bounced up out of the snow and pushed her face into yours.
  1177. >“How come you never told me?”
  1178. >Her nostrils flared and blew two misty clouds into your dull, unblinking eyes.
  1179. >You regarded her blankly.
  1180. >Then you scooped up a handful of snow and gently smooshed it into her face.
  1181. >Soon she was two hops away and shaking her head back and forth in a pink blur.
  1182. >The snow that fell off her face floated in the air around her head like a misty cloud.
  1183. >Fluttershy covered her mouth with her hoof and was laughing quietly by your side, but a quickly shot glare had her scrunching her muzzle in a second.
  1184. >You slapped the slip onto the tip of her nose, then pulled up your pants.
  1185. >Pinkie was giggling and wiping away the last few flakes that clung to the hairs on her muzzle.
  1186. >“Well, I got to go. Duty calls. You two crazy kids stay out of trouble from now on. I'd hate it if the two of you had to spend the rest of your special day in jail.”
  1187. >Pinkie hopped away.
  1188. >Fluttershy held the slip in her hooves and looked up at you with a sheepish smile.
  1189. >“So how would you feel about accompanying me on a quick detour to the Ponyville Courthouse?”
  1190. Let me put it this way. If you don't fuck off right now, I'm going to go burn down your cottage and have Pinkie send me to jail, just so you won't be able to see me anymore.
  1191. >She folded her ears, still smiling.
  1192. >“Okay then, I can do this one solo.”
  1193. Good.
  1194. >“But how about a kiss goodbye first?”
  1195. >She flew up to face you, closed her eyes and then leaned out towards you, her lips puckered.
  1196. >She hummed in anticipation.
  1197. >Nothing happened.
  1198. >She briefly peeked out from one eye to gauge your unamused expression.
  1199. >Then she shut everything down and leaned fully into it, stretching her trembling lips forward so much that her face showed clear signs of strain.
  1200. >You sighed.
  1201. You're not leaving without getting something first, aren't you?
  1202. >She started humming louder, practically begging for it.
  1203. Fine. Here's your kiss.
  1204. >She moaned in giddy anticipation.
  1205. >Then she slowly flew forward, ready to close the gap between your lips and hers.
  1206. >You smooshed a handful of snow into her face.
  1207.  
  1208. >After a substantial argument involving the true definition of what an Eskimo Kiss was, you managed to escape Fluttershy's company.
  1209. >You knew she would be back within the hour, though.
  1210. >It would be even sooner than that if she continued to ignore her stomach's protests at having her uninvited breakfast interrupted by your sudden departure from your own house.
  1211. >So really, you had less than an hour to pore over the Big Book of Equestria's Law and Statutes from start to finish.
  1212. >There had to be some kind of obscure law that you could get Fluttershy to break when Pinkie was near.
  1213. >Just one small transgression is all that you're asking for.
  1214. >Then you could have her put away.
  1215. Maybe I can tell her that cherry bombing mailboxes is my fetish.
  1216. >No, she'd lose her nerve at some point.
  1217. >It'd probably take a small pep talk just to get her to even light the fuse.
  1218. >Then, just as you were about to give up, you found something odd.
  1219. >You were flipping the pages idly when the book opened itself and presented the small obstruction to you.
  1220. >There was a small piece of paper that somebody had folded over twice, into a neat square, before they had wedged it into the crevice between the pages.
  1221. >Only you and Twilight had owned the book previously, so this paper must have been placed there by one of you.
  1222. >You plucked the paper out from the book, unfolded it, and looked it over.
  1223. >It was a typed document, dated last summer, that had been approved, notarized and stamped by the clerks from Ponyville town hall.
  1224. >Your eyes glanced over the first few sentences before they slowed down and, following a few steady blinks, began deliberately following along the lines.
  1225. >You read the entire paper once, then placed it flat onto the desk and smoothed it out with your hands before doubling-over and reading it again, taking twice as long this time to finish.
  1226. >Upon reaching the end, your chin was resting on the front of your fist and your eyes were still and quiet.
  1227. >A few seconds passed, you were contemplating your luck.
  1228. >There was a familiar knock at the door.
  1229. >Your eyes returned slowly from the direction of the noise and went back to the document.
  1230. >You placed your fingertips on top of it and gently slid it off the table and into your open hand.
  1231. >Then, after regarding it for a moment, you carefully folded it back up, running your fingers along the creases as you did, and got up to answer the door.
  1232. >You allowed yourself a small smile and a few hops and kicks in your step along the way.
  1233. >Then, coming to rest at the foot of the door, your hand gripped around the knob, you sighed and nodded to yourself.
  1234. I've got her.
  1235. >Fluttershy was wearing a deep dark blue parka that had thick snow-white wool surrounding the hood.
  1236. >She pushed the hood back, so it was no longer covering her face, and smiled up at you through the falling snow.
  1237. >“Our little talk earlier about kissing got me thinking about Eskimos, so I put this on.”
  1238. >That talk was certainly not about kissing.
  1239. >Usually you got mad when she miscontrued shit you said.
  1240. >But you had the upper hand now.
  1241. >You leaned up against the doorframe.
  1242. So you're the little Flutterskimo now?
  1243. >She stood anxiously on her tiphooves and shook her rear from side to side like a pendulum.
  1244. >“I can be your little Flutterskimo, if that's what you want. I'm nice and warm now in this parka. And I hear Flutterskimos are perfect for cuddling.”
  1245. That's nice.
  1246. >“You really think so?”
  1247. Yeah, now I don't have to worry about you being too cold in jail.
  1248. >“What?”
  1249. The parka will keep you warm in your cell, of course, but you'll have to save your theories on cuddling for another time, unless you can convince your cellmate to help you out with that one.
  1250. >She blinked once.
  1251. >“I'm not going to jail.”
  1252. That's what you think.
  1253. > “But I haven't done anything.”
  1254. That's the right attitude. Damn Flutters, you'll fit right in at jail.
  1255. >You closed your door behind you and started for town.
  1256. >“I didn't do anything,” she said, her eyes following you as you passed her. “I didn't even ask if Eskimos were your fetish.”
  1257. Did you want to know?
  1258. >“Yes--wait, I mean no.”
  1259. >She pursed her lips.
  1260. >“You know what I mean.”
  1261. I do know what you mean, and you're going to pay for it.
  1262. >She frowned and whipped her tail behind her.
  1263. >“Where are we going anyway?”
  1264. To find Pinkie.
  1265. >“I'm not going to jail, I know that I haven't done anything.”
  1266. Alright, tell that to Pinkie when we get there.
  1267. >“When we get there I'll . . .”
  1268. >Fluttershy's hooves came to a sudden halt.
  1269. >Turning around, you saw her eyes had grown as big as saucers.
  1270. >“You haven't told me to go away once this entire time.”
  1271. Starting to sink in for you now, is it?
  1272. >“What did you find? Do you have proof?”
  1273. Of course I do.
  1274. >“But I was so careful,” she whined. “Where did I slip up? What did I do?”
  1275. You know what you did.
  1276. >“Tell me.”
  1277. >Smiling slightly, you turned your back to her and started again for town.
  1278. >“Wait, don't go yet.”
  1279. >She was hovering in the air by your head, and she leaned down so that, from your peripheral vision, could see her pleading eyes.
  1280. >“I'm sorry. Really, I am, I swear it.”
  1281. What are you sorry for?
  1282. >“I don't know, for whatever I did.”
  1283. And that was?
  1284. >“I don't know.”
  1285. It could be a number of things, couldn't it?
  1286. >“Well, no, I don't think so.”
  1287. >You scoffed.
  1288. Fluttershy, you've been a thorn in my side for over a year now. I've seen you do things to your vagina that would make even the paranoid schizophrenics up in the loonie bin cringe.
  1289. >“I did them all out of love, though. Doesn't that mean anything to you?”
  1290. No.
  1291. >“Well it should!”
  1292. Anyway, you'll find out what you did once Pinkie books you for it.
  1293. >“But I can't go to prison, I won't survive in there.”
  1294. You'll be fine.
  1295. >“But every pony that's in there will be so mean, they'll make short work of me.”
  1296. Just find the biggest one there and start doing to them what you've been doing to me all this time. No one will want to mess with you after that, trust me.
  1297. >Fluttershy ignored you and continued to spiral down into her despairing thoughts:
  1298. >“. . . And there'll be terrible food, and every pony will be watching what you do all the time, and the other mean mares will gang up on me when we're in the shower.”
  1299. >She reared back at a sudden realization.
  1300. >“It'll be Flight School all over again!”
  1301. >She grabbed you by your collar and started shaking you.
  1302. >“What do you have on me? Did you find one of my hidden cameras, or maybe one of the pits that I dug around your house for you to fall in?
  1303. Fluttershy--
  1304. >“Was it the secret inflatable doll that I had made in your likeness?”
  1305. Jesus Christ, Fluttershy.
  1306. >"Tell me!"
  1307. Here are the facts: I've got something on you, and you're going to jail. End of story.
  1308. >You pushed her out of the way.
  1309. >"Then I'll just . . ."
  1310. >She swallowed a hard lump in her throat and turned her head to and fro, frantically looking in vain for a solution.
  1311. >Then, with a sharp inhale:
  1312. >"I'll just cover my tracks."
  1313. You'll what?
  1314. >“You heard me," she said, practically screaming. "Everything will be gone by the time you get to Pinkie. Then what will you have on me?”
  1315. The bags under my eyes.
  1316. >“I'll start with the diaper.”
  1317. >She jumped into the snow bank that had once been your lawn, the cold reaching up to her neck.
  1318. >“I know it's buried here somewhere, and I'm going to find it.”
  1319. >She hunkered down in her snow hole and began digging, throwing the snow over her shoulder and eventually disappearing beneath all the white.
  1320. Yeah . . . you do that.
  1321. >You left without her.
  1322. >She'd be fine.
  1323. >She was Flutterskimo.
  1324. >When you found Pinkie, she was in Ponyville Park, doing some digging of her own.
  1325. >“Aha!” she screamed. “I knew it!”
  1326. >She pulled her head out from the trashbin and held up a crushed soda can.
  1327. >“Who didn't recycle this?”
  1328. >None of the few ponies that had made the unfortunate mistake of trying to enjoy a winter stroll that day would make eye contact with her.
  1329. >Only you would approach the greasy pink mare with the scowl and the flashing bobby.
  1330. Forget it, Pinkie, it's a misdemeanor at best.
  1331. >“But I keep finding stuff in here that isn't supposed to be. It’s practically littering.”
  1332. >She tossed the can over her shoulder.
  1333. >It bounced off the top of a heap of garbage that she had piled up next to the bin.
  1334. >You could have buried a filly beneath it.
  1335. >"You wouldn't believe what ponies are throwing away these days. Look at that."
  1336. >A sticky and worn-down caramel lollipop, covered in hair and a wet sheen, appeared and was inches away from tapping the tip of your nose.
  1337. >“That's a perfectly good root beer sucker, and some pony threw it away before they finished it.”
  1338. That's not a crime.
  1339. >“Well it should be,” she huffed.
  1340. >She looked down at the sucker with pity and set about picking off all the hairs and bits of dirt that were stuck to it.
  1341. Anyway, if you want to catch a real criminal, all you have to do is wait a few minutes.
  1342. >She drew a long weary sigh out from her lips.
  1343. What?
  1344. >“I'm not going to have to give you another ticket, am I?"
  1345. I'm not talking about me. I meant fucking--
  1346. >There was a loud scream behind you.
  1347. >“Aha! There you are!”
  1348. >The second you turned around, Fluttershy had dropped down from the air.
  1349. >She had lost her parka at some point and her legs were trembling from the cold.
  1350. >Wracked with shivers as she was though, her head jerked upward to meet your eyes in one swift motion.
  1351. >She was wheezing through clenched teeth.
  1352. >Her eyes, teary and red from flying against the windchill, were alert but tired.
  1353. >Stray hairs in her mane and tail--the strands that weren't frozen or held down by chunks of ice--were now curled up and sticking out from their respective frazzled bodies.
  1354. >“I finally found you. I knew it would be in the last place I looked.”
  1355. >She groaned a bit, following her last statement.
  1356. >“But I went all over town, disabling all my spy equipment, disassembling all of my traps, occasionally getting ponies out from said traps. Apologizing. A lot of apologizing.”
  1357. Hiding the bodies.
  1358. >“Covering my tracks! And I got everything.”
  1359. >Her lips stretched to a smile and she pointed at you, the frozen diaper in her hoof.
  1360. >“And I did it all before you could get to Pinkie.”
  1361. >You stepped to the side.
  1362. >Pinkie's sights now on her, Fluttershy's froze in place.
  1363. >“Hi, Fluttershy.” Pinkie said nicely. “Wow, you look tired, and partially frozen.”
  1364. >Fluttershy attempted a response: it was a mix of a wheeze and a squeak.
  1365. >Pinkie's attention was drawn to her friend's hoof.
  1366. >“Hey, is that the diaper you tried to make all sexy for him?”
  1367. >“What diaper?”
  1368. >She scrunched her muzzle, the diaper clearly still visible in her hoof.
  1369. >“I was just throwing it away.”
  1370. >With one swift flick of her hoof, she tossed it.
  1371. >It landed at the foot of Pinkie's heap.
  1372. >Pinkie's eyes went back and forth between the heap and the tossed diaper.
  1373. >Then she pursed her lips and turned towards Fluttershy.
  1374. >“Really, Fluttershy? Littering? Getting rid of evidence? Littering evidence!”
  1375. Forget that, Pinkie, and get out from the trash. I've got something even better.
  1376. >You took the paper out from your pocket.
  1377. >Pinkie and Fluttershy gathered around you as you began unfolding it.
  1378. >Of course Fluttershy chose to gather herself near your crotch.
  1379. Fluttershy, you're touching me, as well as vibrating against me.
  1380. >“I'm still cold,” she said through chattering teeth.
  1381. Why'd you get rid of your parka?
  1382. >“I got too hot in it while I was digging.”
  1383. Brilliant. And you couldn't put it back on when you were done because . . . ?
  1384. >“I lost it.”
  1385. You lost it?
  1386. >“I sort of, um, buried it with the snow I was moving.”
  1387. It's a wonder you manage to dress yourself at all, isn't it.
  1388. >“It wasn’t on purpose. It was an accident.”
  1389. >“And that makes it okay,” Pinkie said.
  1390. It really doesn’t.
  1391. >You took a moment to comprehend the absolute stupidity of this mare.
  1392. >You should have known when you left her behind that she wasn't going to be fine on her own.
  1393. >Stupid Flutterskimo.
  1394. >She stroked your backside with her wing.
  1395. >“Your butt is really warm. Legally so, I might add. Right, Pinkie?”
  1396. >“Just until he complains. But I knew that he would warm up to you eventually.”
  1397. >Fluttershy blinked.
  1398. >“But I'm the one that's cold.”
  1399. And I’m the one that’s being assaulted.
  1400. >“For a good cause though, right?” Fluttershy said.
  1401. Pinkie, is the law on my side if I hit her right now?
  1402. >“Okay, you better stop now,” Pinkie said to her friend.
  1403. >Fluttershy retracted her wing.
  1404. >“Sorry.”
  1405. Apology not--
  1406. >“Aw, it's okay,” Pinkie said.
  1407. >“Thank you, Pinkie.”
  1408. >They smiled at each other.
  1409. >You grimaced.
  1410. >Shouldn't she have been apologizing to you?
  1411. >You straightened out the paper and addressed them both.
  1412. So about this document of mine--
  1413. >“Hey, Fluttershy, you can rub my butt if you're still cold.”
  1414. >”Um . . .”
  1415. Would you two idiots shut up and just look at this restraining order I got?
  1416. >“The what?” Pinkie asked.
  1417. >Fluttershy soon remembered, and her eyes shrank within her head.
  1418. >“Oh dear.”
  1419.  
  1420. ***
  1421.  
  1422. >Fluttershy shaded her eyes from the summer sun so she could better look over the document that you’d dropped into her hooves.
  1423. >She gave it her very close attention, as it had interrupted the one-sided plans she had made for you both to have an afternoon tea party that day.
  1424. >“A restraining order?”
  1425. That's right. I just had it approved. You come near me now and you'll be in big trouble.
  1426. >“But I'm already near you.”
  1427. >True, as she was on your doorstep, not even five feet away.
  1428. Well, yeah.
  1429. >She stood silently, as though she were waiting for something to happen.
  1430. Yeah. But you didn't know about the restraining order. So I'll let you go this time.
  1431. >“But I don't want to go.”
  1432. What? No, you can’t be near me. You have to leave.
  1433. >“I'm not leaving.”
  1434. Well I guess I better have you arrested then.
  1435. >She raised an eyebrow at you.
  1436. >“And who would arrest me?”
  1437. >You thought about it for a moment.
  1438. The Royal Guard, I guess.
  1439. >“All the way in Canterlot?”
  1440. >You thought more, harder this time.
  1441. I think so. . . . Let me see that paper.
  1442. >She stepped forward and handed it to you.
  1443. >Your unsteady eyes jumped from line to line, scanning the document all over in a vain search for answers.
  1444. >“So while you're busy with that, I'll just let myself in and get the tea started.”
  1445. No. Just hang on--just hang on until I find . . . something.
  1446. >“You won't be long, will you? I could come back.”
  1447. You can't come back. Fluttershy, you're legally not allowed to be near me.
  1448. >“I know, but that's okay.”
  1449. No, it's not okay.
  1450. >You shook your head rapidly.
  1451. It's really not okay. I have a restraining order.
  1452. >“And I'm proud of you, as I’m sure you worked very hard to get it. But, um, how do I put this gently? No one's going to enforce it.”
  1453. >She pursed her lips in the following silence.
  1454. >“No one.”
  1455. That wasn’t gently at all.
  1456. >She shrugged.
  1457. Fluttershy, this is a genuine legal document. They have to enforce it.
  1458. >“Who does?”
  1459. They do . . . don’t they?
  1460. >“I’m sorry, but no. But I’d be happy to tell you all about it over tea, it might even make you feel better.”
  1461. I’d feel better if you left.
  1462. >She smiled.
  1463. >"No."
  1464. Come on, I paid a lot of money for this.
  1465. >She stared up at you with patient eyes, almost pityingly.
  1466. Just this one time?
  1467. >“I'm sorry, but no means no.”
  1468. >You stood there in shock.
  1469. >The restraining order was useless.
  1470. >She really wasn't going to leave.
  1471. >She flew up next to you and placed a comforting hoof on your shoulder.
  1472. >“I'm sorry things didn't work out how you wanted. How about we both go inside? I'll put on a pot of tranquilizer--”
  1473. >She cleared her throat.
  1474. >“Of some regular tea. We'll talk, and then maybe later we could go out and have some fun.”
  1475. >You brushed her hoof off.
  1476. I don't know.
  1477. >"Would it make you feel any better if I went and got a restraining order too?"
  1478. Why would it?
  1479. >“It’d be something we have in common.”
  1480. What, like breathing?
  1481. >“Sure.”
  1482. And who would be the lucky individual that’d be spared of your presence?
  1483. >She smiled.
  1484. >“You, of course. It'd only be fair, and then we'd both have one. We could even go together to get mine. Doesn't that sound nice?”
  1485. >You pretended to think about it for a moment.
  1486. No.
  1487. >You hurried inside and slammed the door, closing it just inches away from the tip of her scrunched muzzle.
  1488. >Not a second passed before she pressed herself against the door and began pawing and scratching at the wood surface.
  1489. >“But it would be nice, I swear. The law offices of Ponyville can be very romantic.”
  1490. >Already walking away from the door, you said:
  1491. I'm not sorry, but no means no.
  1492. >After a while, you returned to your living room and found that Fluttershy's scratching and whining had stopped.
  1493. >Wondering what the old dog was up to, you peeked out the window.
  1494. >It was just in time to see her head pop out from your recently-disturbed shrubbery.
  1495. >Soon she was lying down in the dirt by your doorstep, frantically digging and turning over rocks.
  1496. >Her once yellow coat now had brown stains all over; leaves and twigs had stuck themselves deep into her tangled mane and tail.
  1497. >You could hear her muttering as she dug:
  1498. >"Where is it . . . Oh, where is it . . . ?"
  1499. >Realizing what it was she was searching for, you chuckled to yourself.
  1500. >She was never going to find that spare key you hid.
  1501.  
  1502. ***
  1503.  
  1504. Hey, Pinkie, can you bill ponies while they're in prison?
  1505. >Pinkie briefly shot you a silent leer from over her shoulder.
  1506. >“Can't you be a little nicer right now?”
  1507. What? Why?
  1508. >With a nod of her head, she made a slight gesture to the new prisoner next to her.
  1509. >Sniveling and whimpering, Fluttershy was staring down with tear-blinded eyes at her newly-cuffed hooves.
  1510. >She shuffled forward, the chain between her cuffs only allowing for baby steps.
  1511. >You followed along at their snail's pace, jamming your hands in your pockets and complaining to Pinkie.
  1512. Well you're not the one who has to get their spare key out from the drain after all this.
  1513. >Fluttershy spoke between wracked sobs:
  1514. >"I t-thought you w-would catch it."
  1515. >Pinkie patted Fluttershy on the back and kept repeating "there, there."
  1516. >You tried to ignore them and revel in your triumph.
  1517. >Fluttershy going to jail was a victory for you, but you wouldn’t be able to sleep at night until you saw her well and truly locked up.
  1518. >You had to see Fluttershy behind bars before you could be satisfied.
  1519. >And so you would follow them to the end, no matter what snail's pace they set.
  1520. >Even if they stopped without you seeing and your foot got caught between Fluttershy's legs.
  1521. >Which it did.
  1522. Woah shit!
  1523. >It was only by stumbling a bit that you managed not to flip forward and snap the vertebrae in Fluttershy's stupid neck.
  1524. >They both turned backwards to look at you strangely as you straightened up.
  1525. Are you two trying to kill me? Why the fuck are we stopping?
  1526. >“We have to,” Pinkie said. “Fluttershy's tears are starting to freeze.”
  1527. >Fluttershy sniffled and wiped her strained eyes, puffy and red.
  1528. >“It hurts to blink.”
  1529. >“This'll just take a second,” Pinkie said as she tended to her friend.
  1530. It better.
  1531. >As Pinkie set about breathing her nasty candy breath into her friend’s eyes, you looked back to see how far you'd gone.
  1532. >You counted your footsteps from where you had started.
  1533. >There were five.
  1534. >You pursed your lips.
  1535. >Did these ponies think you had all day?
  1536. >You picked up Fluttershy and Pinkie Pie by their barrels, holding them each up under your arms.
  1537. >“Oh my goodness!”
  1538. >“Woah nelly!”
  1539. >You started for the exit to the park.
  1540. Here's what's happening: we're heading straight for the jail.
  1541. >You turned to Fluttershy.
  1542. There'll be no touching.
  1543. >Then to Pinkie.
  1544. And no squirming of any kind before we get there.
  1545. >They scrunched their muzzles but said nothing in protest.
  1546. >You took that as an agreement.
  1547. Good. Now I just need one more thing.
  1548. >You gave Pinkie a little shake to get her attention.
  1549. >“Hey, who said you could squirm me?”
  1550. Just be quiet and tell me where the jail is.
  1551. >“You want me to do both?”
  1552. You want me to squirm you some more?
  1553. >“No.”
  1554. >“M-Maybe.”
  1555.  
  1556. >The Ponyville jailhouse had not been rebuilt, remodeled or revisited since the frontier days of the town’s founding.
  1557. >It sat unperturbed, with its stark oak face and iron bar windows, among the two-floor houses with thatched roofs that surrounded town hall.
  1558. >Every pony in the town circle ignored it.
  1559. >Except for when they had to plow the snow away from their doors.
  1560. >You trudged through knee-high snowbanks, nearly falling over twice just trying to get to the jailhouse.
  1561. >The second time was at the door, when your boot got caught on a nail that stuck up out of the threshold.
  1562. >You stumbled into complete darkness, your boots echoing down in the hollow wood floor.
  1563. Goddamn. Don't they ever turn the lights on in here, Pinkie?
  1564. >“Not when it's empty.”
  1565. >“So are the lights ever on?”
  1566. >“Exactly.”
  1567. >Pinkie squirmed out from your grasp and after much fumbling--you swore you heard a clown horn honk at some point-- she turned the lights on.
  1568. >The cells held nothing in them except for stacks of cardboard boxes that contained, among some of the old town's files, years worth of provisions and supplies.
  1569. >In the event of an emergency, the jail was where one could go to find stockpiles of canned food, flashlights, and one-size-fits-all ponchos.
  1570. >This would all prove very useful, should there ever have come a time when there was a problem that couldn’t be solved in a half an hour or so by the Elements of Harmony.
  1571. >“I didn't know this was a jail,” Fluttershy said.
  1572. It’s barely that. But what’d you think it was?
  1573. >“I always thought it was just an old house some pony had abandoned.”
  1574. You thought someone lived here?
  1575. >“Yes.”
  1576. There's bars on the windows.
  1577. >“I know, but they look nice. They make it look safe.”
  1578. It's a jail.
  1579. >“A safe jail.”
  1580. >You had to stop talking to her there, if only to save your own strength.
  1581. >You had just finished carrying two ponies through a blizzard--talking with Fluttershy was just too much for you to bear right now.
  1582. >After Pinkie removed her cuffs, you let Fluttershy down in the only cell that wasn’t being used for storage.
  1583. >The cell door smelled of iron and it sounded like a train braking as you pulled it shut.
  1584. >But when that lock clicked into place, that was the most satisfying sound you had ever heard.
  1585. >“Wait,” Fluttershy said before you could walk away.
  1586. What is it?
  1587. >“Just stay with me for a second. Please.”
  1588. >She was standing still before the bars and staring at you frankly.
  1589. >Honestly, you were surprised at how composed she seemed.
  1590. >Here you thought that she would have tried to reach past the bars and try to get one last feel of your butt the second the door had slammed shut.
  1591. >Actually, she still might have done that, had you not been a few good steps away.
  1592. Fine, I'll give you a few seconds, but I'm not coming any closer.
  1593. >“That's okay. I just want to tell you a few things I've been thinking about.”
  1594. They better not be lewd things.
  1595. >“Well, first off, I want you to know that I forgive you for getting me sent to jail.”
  1596. I'm not sorry.
  1597. >“I know you don't feel guilty yet--”
  1598. I'm not going to feel guilty.
  1599. >“I'm just telling you anyway.”
  1600. Well I'm not. It's your own fault that you're in here.
  1601. >"That's good," she said, nodding. “That's a good attitude. Just remember that--you know, if you feel guilty later.”
  1602. Are you done yet?
  1603. >She gave herself a moment, took a deep breath and nodded to herself.
  1604. >“Will you wait for me?”
  1605. What?
  1606. >“I know that I'm going to be in here a long time. Isn't that right, Pinkie?”
  1607. >Pinkie shrugged.
  1608. >“I don't know.”
  1609. >“Well, it could be a long time. But I'll keep my love for you strong all that time.”
  1610. Don't say that, Fluttershy. After all, a miracle could still happen.
  1611. >“No. I know in my heart that time will not destroy the love that I have for you.”
  1612. Goddammit.
  1613. >“And so, no matter the amount of time that separates us, I will wait for you. Will you wait for me?”
  1614. >She stared up at you in earnest from behind the bars, her blue eyes unflinching and calm.
  1615. >It was an insane question, though you hadn't expected to hear anything different coming from her.
  1616. >But for the first in a long time, you felt a pang in your chest from seeing her.
  1617. >In a brief moment, she was no longer the Fluttershy you had a long and unfortunate history with.
  1618. >She was a vulnerable girl who had just been locked away.
  1619. >She was afraid.
  1620. >It was almost pitiable.
  1621. >To be truthful, you'd be happy if she never got released.
  1622. >But you had already beaten her, you didn't have to rub it in too.
  1623. >So you let her down easy.
  1624. I'll be counting the days until you're free.
  1625. >She breathed a sigh of relief.
  1626. >“Oh thank goodness.”
  1627. You know, you really didn't have to be worried about that.
  1628. >“Well I didn't want you to go and find another mare while I was gone.”
  1629. I don't like ponies.
  1630. >“I know. I mean find another mare to replace me, you know, guess your fetish and stuff like that.”
  1631. Why would I--
  1632. >She just smiled.
  1633. >You shook your head, baffled.
  1634. >Then remembering you could leave, you did so.
  1635. Look, I'll come back soon, alright?
  1636. >You had no intention of coming back soon nor any idea why you told her you would.
  1637. >“Okay, thank you,” she said, nodding solemnly.
  1638. >Stonefaced Pinkie sat at the desk that was before the cell.
  1639. >A root beer sucker stick stuck out from the side of her mouth, and she chewed on it while she was bent over a pile of strewn about papers.
  1640. >She began upsetting them all like she was looking for something.
  1641. >When you had reached the desk, her head shot up as though you had surprised her.
  1642. >“I tell ya, I didn't know you had to do so much confusing paperwork just because you arrested some pony.”
  1643. It does seem like a lot for just Fluttershy. Where'd you get it all?
  1644. >“I pulled everything out from the desk.”
  1645. >All the drawers of the desk were empty and hanging open.
  1646. >Pinkie froze and looked you straight in the eyes.
  1647. >"Everything."
  1648. I see that.
  1649. >“It really is everything. I even went and took all the old papers out from the p.o. box outside.”
  1650. >Saying this, Pinkie reached down and, struggling with both of her arms full, brought up another pile of papers before littering them all onto the desk in a big heap.
  1651. >With her eyes wide, she made a grand sweeping gesture to the heap, which now reached up to her chin.
  1652. >“See?!”
  1653. >Sheesh. Just how big was that p.o. box?
  1654. This seems like it’s too much.
  1655. >You reached into the heap and pulled out an old soggy muffin wrapper.
  1656. Just how much of this is garbage that was thrown in there by ponies too lazy to go find a bin?
  1657. >“Not enough!”
  1658. >You tossed the wrapper over your shoulder just seconds before noticing the bin that was next to your feet.
  1659. >You didn't go back and pick it up.
  1660. So are you gonna be alright with all this, Pinkie?
  1661. >“I don't know. I mean, just look at what they expect me to do here!”
  1662. >She reached into the heap and handed you a random paper.
  1663. >It was a cartoonish drawing, with bold black outlines, of Princess Celestia.
  1664. This is a coloring book page.
  1665. >Pinkie scoffed and shook her head disapprovingly.
  1666. >“Bureaucrats.”
  1667. >She sighed.
  1668. >“Like this department can even afford crayons with all the budget cuts we've suffered.”
  1669. >She searched through the papers again, all while muttering something about finding a 'crayon release form.'
  1670. >You realized then that she was going to need some kind of supervision.
  1671. >After all, you didn't want Fluttershy to get an early release on account of Pinkie not doing her paperwork correctly.
  1672. >Or by her sending in a coloring book page up to the brass at Canterlot.
  1673. >So you slipped the Celestia drawing into the trash--where it got caught on some cobwebs--and offered to help.
  1674. >“That would be great. You can start by finding the muffin release form.”
  1675. >It had only been two seconds, you had just sat down, and already you were starting to regret your offer.
  1676. Excuse me?
  1677. >“Well we have to document that we gave the prisoner her incarceration muffin. How's the muffin, Fluttershy?”
  1678. >Fluttershy was holding a chocolate muffin that had already had several bites taken out of it.
  1679. >“Oh, it's delicious,” Fluttershy said, her mouth covered in crumbs. “Thank you.”
  1680. >You slowly turned to Pinkie.
  1681. When did you--?
  1682. >“You know what, make sure you specifically get the chocolate muffin release form, or else we'll be in hot water. They check for that kind of stuff.”
  1683. >Pinkie smiled at you and rolled her eyes, saying:
  1684. >“Bureaucrats, am I right?”
  1685. >No, you sincerely doubted that she was.
  1686. >But there was no time to question Pinkie's strange whims or her impossible actions.
  1687. >Not when a time without Fluttershy around to pester you was so close at hand.
  1688. >“Um, can I please have another muffin?” she said whilst gently tapping on the bars.
  1689. You already had yours!
  1690. >She flinched before shrinking away from the cell door.
  1691. >You bent over the papers, but Pinkie was watching you with a frown.
  1692. >“She did say please, you know.”
  1693. We can't bend over to every little whim that the prisoner has, or else they'll start to take advantage of it.
  1694. >You flicked a finger at the papers.
  1695. Now let's start by organizing all these papers into two separate piles: One for official documents, and another for all these coloring book pages that got here somehow.
  1696. >“And the muffin release forms.”
  1697. Okay, fine, three piles. And no, Fluttershy, we don't need your help.
  1698. >Fluttershy stopped just short of tapping on the bars.
  1699. >“I just thought that three piles for three ponies was--”
  1700. No.
  1701. >“O-Okay then. . . .”
  1702. >With a smirk, you watched her slink away from the bars.
  1703. See what I mean by them trying to take advantage, Pinkie?
  1704. >She didn't answer.
  1705. >Her brow was knit and she was intently reading a paper that was in her hooves.
  1706. What's up with you? Did you find that muffin thing you were looking for?
  1707. >“No, nothing like that.”
  1708. >She turned to you, her expression grave.
  1709. >“But I do have to arrest you now.”
  1710. . . . Oh?
  1711. >She nodded, her lips pursed and her cheeks slightly puffed.
  1712. >“Yeah, sorry about that. But to be fair, you didn't tell me that you were a criminal.”
  1713. Wait, you're serious? But I don't have as many tickets as Fluttershy does.
  1714. >“Then explain this!” Pinkie said as she flew the paper over to you in a paper airplane.
  1715. >You unfolded it.
  1716. This is a coloring book page.
  1717. >“Turn it over!”
  1718. >You turned it over.
  1719. This is the back of a coloring book page.
  1720. >“Then I gave you the wrong--”
  1721. >She groaned and searched among the pile.
  1722. >“Here, I found it! Explain this!”
  1723. >The paper was a list of Ponyville's most wanted, though your name was the only one on there.
  1724. >You read it aloud.
  1725. Wanted for multiple offenses, including--non payment of previous fines!
  1726. >You slammed the paper on the desk and turned to glare at Fluttershy.
  1727. >She folded her ears.
  1728. >“I kept meaning to go and pay them for you,” she said whilst fiddling with her hooves nervously, “but . . .”
  1729. >Your teeth were on edge.
  1730. But what, Fluttershy? And this had better be good.
  1731. >“But I kept getting distracted, because they were for you, and then I’d start thinking about you, and then I'd start thinking about your butt and I'd . . . I'd . . .”
  1732. >Her eyes glazed over and she started drooling.
  1733. >“Unf!”
  1734. >You waited for her to see your glare, but she was too lost in her own, horny little world to notice.
  1735. >Feeling extremely tired suddenly, you began rubbing your eyes.
  1736. Fucking idiot.
  1737. >You folded your hands down into your lap, then turned to appeal to Pinkie.
  1738. Listen Pinkie, I can pay--
  1739. >There was a sound of metal clacking together and tightening.
  1740. >Your new handcuffs were pink and were linked together by a six-inch rainbow chain, with each link painted a different color.
  1741. What the actual fuck, Pinkie? You can't even wait for me to explain!
  1742. >“Sorry,” she said, shrugging. “But that's standard protocol for arresting some pony.”
  1743. And the painted cuffs?
  1744. >“Oh, I did those,” she said with a smile. “I have a bunch more at home. I'd have brought them if I knew that I was going to be arresting you two today.”
  1745. >“I think they're lovely,” Fluttershy said.
  1746. >You sneered at Fluttershy.
  1747. Suck up.
  1748. >Pinkie hopped out from her chair and, taking the prison key out from her mane, started for the cell door.
  1749. >You lifted your cuffs up.
  1750. Pinkie, get back here and take these things off. They're going to stain my wrists.
  1751. >“No can do. They have to stay on until I get you in here.”
  1752. In where?
  1753. >She opened the cell that Fluttershy was in.
  1754. >You felt your stomach drop through the floor.
  1755. >“In here.”
  1756. >Fluttershy waved at you.
  1757. >“Hi.”
  1758. No.
  1759. >You stood up and pointed at the cell.
  1760. You are not putting me in there with her.
  1761. >“But I have to,” Pinkie said. “It's the only cell that's free right now, silly.”
  1762. I don't care. I am not going in there with her.
  1763. >“But you have to. I'm arresting you.”
  1764. >She fixed you in a serious gaze and took a step towards you.
  1765. >“Are you resisting arrest right now?”
  1766. >Was this pink pony trying to threaten you?
  1767. Pinkie, come on. I'm just saying that I'm not going to let you put me in that cell with her.
  1768. >“You have to go,” she said. “And if you won't go, then I'm sorry, but I'll have to use my special junior safety mare training to make you go in.”
  1769. >You chuckled.
  1770. Are you serious?
  1771. >Pinkie narrowed her eyes at you and growled a little.
  1772. Pinkie, no offense, but I carried you and Fluttershy all the way here. You can't make me do anything.
  1773. >“Then you leave me no choice. Fluttershy, hold the door open.”
  1774. >“Oh, um . . . okay.”
  1775. >Pinkie pointed up at you.
  1776. >“You're coming with me.”
  1777. >You shook your head and went around the desk.
  1778. Look Pinkie, if you're not going to be reasonable about this, then I'm leaving.
  1779. >“But I can't let you leave here,” she said solemnly, stamping her hoof.
  1780. I'll come back later with the money for the tickets and--
  1781. >“Headscissor takedown!”
  1782. >It happened fast from there, following her saying her attack aloud like she was an anime character.
  1783. >In a few steps she was galloping, and in a few more she had launched herself at you.
  1784. >Your vision turned entirely pink in an instant.
  1785. >Her belly folded over your forehead and her thighs tightened around the sides of your neck.
  1786. >Having a pudgy pink pony belly slam into your face and attach itself to you was enough to knock you off balance and soon you only had one foot still planted down.
  1787. >As you staggered backwards, Pinkie grabbed the back of your head and moved all her weight forward, trying to push you down to the floor with her body.
  1788. >But all she was really doing was grinding her crotch against your face.
  1789. >“Come on, come on,” she grunted with each push. “Go down!”
  1790. >You regained your footing and stood with your hands on your hips as she assaulted your face.
  1791. Are you done?
  1792. >“No!”
  1793. >Looming defeat only saw her speeding up her rhythm, while her lips continued to kiss and rub against yours with every second.
  1794. >“You're supposed to go down!”
  1795. >“Um, Pinkie Pie, I don't want to interrupt important safety mare business, but you are humping my future husband, so--”
  1796. You're getting hair in my mouth, Pinkie!
  1797. >You grabbed the back of her mane; she froze stiff.
  1798. >“Oh no. . . .”
  1799. >After pulling her off, you held her up before you by the back of her neck and glared at her.
  1800. I'm very upset that I can taste you on my tongue right now.
  1801. >Her cheeks flushed with color and she avoided your eyes like she had just tripped while going up the stairs in front of everyone.
  1802. Do you have anything to say for yourself?
  1803. >“You were supposed to go down.”
  1804. >You took a deep breath to try and reserve yourself.
  1805. If you apologize--
  1806. >“I still have to take you in.”
  1807. Alright, fine, Pinkie, I'll just throw you in there with her.
  1808. >“I can't let you do that, not even if it was just for fun.”
  1809. And just how are you going to stop me?
  1810. >Pinkie calmly regarded you for a brief moment.
  1811. >“Like this.”
  1812. >The tip of her hoof prodded itself into your armpit.
  1813. >“Boop!”
  1814. Oh God!
  1815. >An actual electric shock could not have staggered you any more.
  1816. >You dropped Pinkie like a rock, your entire body still recoiling from her invasive touch.
  1817. >She had hit you in just the right spot.
  1818. >The nerves up and down along your arm were numb with shock, as though you'd slept on them, and each beat of your startled heart sent a wave of nervous energy coursing throughout your heaving chest.
  1819. >In short, you fucking hate being tickled.
  1820. Goddammit, Pinkie, I told you to never do that again!
  1821. >But it was clear from the determined look in her squinted eyes, as well as her calm smile, that she was not listening to you.
  1822. >She had raised her rump up in the air like a big cat does when they're ready to pounce, and her tail was twitching and swishing erratically all around like it was caught in a twister.
  1823. >She was excited with what she was about to do next.
  1824. >And you could tell from the side of your eye that Fluttershy was watching the developing scene with clear interest.
  1825. >Cold sweat trembled on your itching forehead.
  1826. >You made one last appeal.
  1827. Pinkie, no.
  1828. >She sang back:
  1829. >“Pinkie yes!”
  1830. >A pink dust cloud was left in the wake of her charge, followed by a pink blur that ran up on you with the force of a speeding truck.
  1831. >Turn and spin as you might, you could not keep up with the great speed of the blur as it circled you.
  1832. >Even the echoes of her hoofsteps on the floor were too quick for you to catch with your eye.
  1833. >But the steps seemed to come from everywhere around you.
  1834. >They swarmed you, as your vision was swarmed with the faint pink traces of a pony that could be in front of you and then behind you in only a blink of an eye.
  1835. >The first prod came when she dug her hoof into the soft meat just below your ribs on your back.
  1836. >“Tickle!”
  1837. >You yelped, your heart seizing up.
  1838. Pinkie!
  1839. >Before you could even think of turning to try and catch her, she had already poked you again--in the ribs, just a few inches below your armpit.
  1840. >“Tickle, tickle!”
  1841. Goddamn you!
  1842. >Your first involuntary giggles came, making your cries of rage sound futile.
  1843. Pinkie, stop it!
  1844. >She got a deep poke in on the front of your thigh.
  1845. >You didn't even know you were ticklish there, but your body sure did.
  1846. >You had jumped to the side even before you had thought about doing so.
  1847. >You were acting on instinct, with nothing on your mind but escaping what Pinkie was putting you through.
  1848. >She stayed on you with no trouble at all, and she released a flurry of jabs to your legs and to the sides of your tummy.
  1849. >“Tickle, tickle, tickle, tickle!”
  1850. >Your body was seizing up, your muscles shrinking back from Pinkie's onslaught on your nerves.
  1851. >Any attempt to cover yourself was futile; she was hitting every vulnerable area of your body.
  1852. >The tips of her hooves had the uncanny ability to locate all the weak spots of one's armor and then poke themselves through it to eviscerate the poor sap that was inside.
  1853. >Since she was killing you, it was unfortunate that you could not stop yourself from laughing.
  1854. >You wanted more than anything for her to stop touching you.
  1855. >But your panicked cries came out sounding like fits of joy.
  1856. Stop, stop, stop! Stop!
  1857. >Sympathy for you, she had none.
  1858. >You could hear her giggling along with your manic laughter, in between her cheers of--
  1859. >“Tickle, tickle, tickle!”
  1860. >You now felt that you had lost control of yourself entirely.
  1861. >Your chest felt tight, all your muscles had locked up.
  1862. >You even had to force yourself to breath now, in between the laughing fits.
  1863. >You gasped like a beached goldfish with every hoarse breath, your beat-red lips puckered out and your throat creaking like old sloped floorboards in an empty house.
  1864. >It had all become too much, she’d reduced your entire being down to a crumpled heap of spasms and twisted throbbing nerves.
  1865. >You collapsed into the fetal position on the floor, shut your eyes, and covered your head with your arms.
  1866. >You couldn't take it anymore, it had to stop.
  1867. Pinkie, please stop. No more, no more tickling. I'll do anything you want, I swear. Just don't tickle me anymore, I'm begging you. Please!
  1868. >No one answered you.
  1869. >Yet the sensations had stopped.
  1870. >You focused on the black void that was before your closed eyes as you felt your mind and body returning to you, felt yourself coming down from it all.
  1871. >A peaceful feeling came in and washed over your heart like a warm gentle tide.
  1872. >And then she tapped you on the shoulder.
  1873. Fuck off Pinkie!
  1874. >“Eep!”
  1875. >Fluttershy reared back, her wings shooting open.
  1876. >You breathed a sigh of relief.
  1877. Oh, it's just you. . . .
  1878. >You could see she held a key in her mouth.
  1879. What's that you got there?
  1880. >It was still in her mouth when she answered.
  1881. >“Ifth da eey u ur aanduuffs.”
  1882. What? Here, don't swallow that. Give me it.
  1883. >You swiped the key out of her mouth and, guessing at its intention, before she could say it, you immediately undid your cuffs.
  1884. >“It's the key to your handcuffs.”
  1885. >You blindly chucked the cuffs over your shoulder.
  1886. Yeah, I know.
  1887. >Fluttershy smiled, and for once it didn't make you angry to see her happy.
  1888. >She even deserved to be happy.
  1889. >Fluttershy had done something right for once.
  1890. >You could hardly believe it.
  1891. >“So, um, all that back there.”
  1892. >You turned to her.
  1893. Hmm?
  1894. >“Is tickling your fet--”
  1895. No!
  1896. >“J-Just checking.”
  1897. >She put her hooves up defensively and took a few precautionary steps backwards.
  1898. >Hard to believe she'd just finished doing something right.
  1899. >In fact you couldn't believe it.
  1900. >Fluttershy never does anything right, not even unintentionally.
  1901. >And she certainly never deserved to be happy.
  1902. >She must have fucked this up for you somehow.
  1903. >You tapped your fingers against your wrist, thinking.
  1904. Alright, what am I missing here?
  1905. >“You didn't take your muffin yet.”
  1906. Oh, right, of course.
  1907. >You took the chocolate muffin that was presented in her hooves.
  1908. Thanks, Fluttershy. I--
  1909. >You stopped, logic returning to you.
  1910. Where did you get this?
  1911. >There was a graveness in your tone that she did not pick up on as her eyes calmly flicked forward.
  1912. >They pointed right to the open bars before you.
  1913. >Right as the cell door squealed shut, like a train braking, until the lock had clicked into place.
  1914. >From beyond the closed bars, Pinkie smiled and waved at you.
  1915. >“Hi, criminal.”
  1916. >You were locked in the cell.
  1917. >With Fluttershy.
  1918. Oh. . . .
  1919. >So that was how she had fucked you over this time.
  1920. >That made sense.
  1921. >Explained the muffin as well.
  1922. >But it didn't help matters.
  1923. >You were still locked up with Fluttershy.
  1924. >You had no idea what kind of hellish trials awaited you with this pony, no idea what sick fantasies were currently running through her head.
  1925. >She came and leaned herself against your side, her warm cheek pressing itself on your shoulder.
  1926. >“I may not be a Flutterskimo anymore, but do you think I should still try to convince my cellmate to cuddle with me?”
  1927. >“Oh boy,” Pinkie yelled, “I get to see prison cuddles!”
  1928. >Maybe there was still time for you to hang yourself with your pants.
  1929.  
  1930. >“What are you thinking about right now?”
  1931. >You turned slightly and looked over your shoulder at her big cloying smile.
  1932. >Your eyes were dark, this being one of the few times you had given her any acknowledgement in over six hours.
  1933. Stop trying to talk to me.
  1934. >Her muzzle slighted down.
  1935. >"I was just curious."
  1936. I don't care.
  1937. >"But--"
  1938. Just don't say anything at all.
  1939. >"Okay. . . ."
  1940. Quiet.
  1941. >She scrunched her muzzle.
  1942. Not a word.
  1943. >She nodded.
  1944. >You turned your back to her again and stayed huddled up against the wall.
  1945. >"Sorry," she mumbled.
  1946. >Every ounce of willpower that you had was keeping you from jumping up, grabbing her by the neck and throttling her right there.
  1947. >It wasn't that you didn't want to hurt her or anything.
  1948. >It was that you didn't want to encourage her.
  1949. >You could not afford to pay her any attention at all, not even through your fists--it would be deadly for all the wrong reasons.
  1950. >See, once you realized that you were going to be stuck in a cell with Fluttershy for what could be days, you had completely shut down.
  1951. >You sat on the ground, curled yourself up into a little ball, and began staring at the wall in complete silence.
  1952. >You locked yourself deep within a bubble that none could penetrate.
  1953. >Oh, sure, Fluttershy had tried to.
  1954. >She spent your first few hours together trying to reach you, mostly by failing to pry your legs away from your chest so she could touch your "musky monkey meat."
  1955. >When that plan had never gotten past its first stages, she tried other ways to get your attention.
  1956. >There was a lot of her touching you in trying to accomplish this, and a lot of cuddling with your back.
  1957. >She tried kissing the back of your neck, which led to her having a full-blown French makeout session with your head.
  1958. >That only stopped once she had swallowed enough stray hairs off of you for her to cough up a hairball onto the floor.
  1959. >She then continued this weird catlike behavior when she started rubbing her body all over yours.
  1960. >She brushed her tail against your arms, your legs, the crook of your neck.
  1961. >By this point she was getting frustrated.
  1962. >She puffed out her cheeks.
  1963. >"Alright, mister, you asked for it."
  1964. >Her hooves poked you in the ribs, but you felt nothing.
  1965. >The evil smile she'd been wearing morphed into a confused frown.
  1966. >"Huh?"
  1967. >She began furiously poking and prodding every open spot on you she could find.
  1968. >She moved so fast that she broke a sweat and strands of her mane fell out of place.
  1969. >When she finally stopped, she was gasping for breath.
  1970. >She stamped her hoof and her frantic eyes studied you up and down in exasperation.
  1971. >"Why can't I tickle you?"
  1972. >You couldn't resist.
  1973. >Your eyes calmly shifted to meet hers.
  1974. Because you suck.
  1975. >Her head trembled slightly, as though something in her mind had snapped.
  1976. >"Oh, I'm so frustrated that I could just scream!"
  1977. >She turned her head up and screamed in absolute frustration.
  1978. >It sounded a bit like a mouse sneeze.
  1979. >And then she collapsed into a heap on the floor, her tongue lolling out the side of her mouth as she hyperventilated.
  1980. >It was very peaceful, and it lasted about a few seconds.
  1981. >Then she was rubbing herself against your body some more.
  1982. >Except now she was trying to purr too.
  1983. >It just sounded like she was gargling mouthwash the whole time.
  1984. >But even someone as obsessed with you as Fluttershy was could only keep herself entertained for so long by touching you.
  1985. >So she had started talking to you instead.
  1986. >"Did you know that I think you're out of this world?"
  1987. >It was somehow worse than her molesting you.
  1988. >"Because, you know, you're an alien, and . . . I just thought it was funny. . . ."
  1989. >And the fact that you didn't answer her never deterred her from keeping the one-sided conversation going.
  1990. >"So anyway, my critters did the funniest thing yesterday. I'll tell you all about it. . . ."
  1991. >Hearing her talk made you want to die.
  1992. >But you couldn't show it, you couldn't show her that she could get to you.
  1993. >That would be like admitting defeat.
  1994. >And then she would really never leave you alone.
  1995. >". . . And then I told him, 'That's not a carrot, that's a dildo!' But you know how stubborn my Angel can be. So I . . ."
  1996. >You just had to be strong.
  1997. >Six hours had passed already by your count.
  1998. >She had to be getting tired soon.
  1999. >Then you could relax.
  2000. >For the first time in a while, you chanced coming out of your trance to check the clock in the jailhouse.
  2001. >Remembering what time it had been when you were locked up, you did the math.
  2002. >You'd served one minute of jail time.
  2003. >Fluttershy stepped before you and craned her face into yours.
  2004. >She pouted her lips in an attempt to appear seductive and succeeded in making a duck face.
  2005. >The vein that stuck out on your forehead throbbed with pain.
  2006. >"So, do you around come here often?"
  2007. >You jumped up and began rattling the bars of your cell.
  2008. Get me outta here!
  2009. >Pinkie Pie, who was busy rummaging through all of the drawers in her desk one by one, called back without looking at you.
  2010. >"Just hang on a sec, I'm looking for something."
  2011. >She ducked down under the desk.
  2012. >"Maybe it's here on the floor somewhere."
  2013. >Behind you, Fluttershy was kneading your asscheeks like dough.
  2014. >"It'll be alright, sweetie," she cooed. "Just relax and let mama rub out all that stress."
  2015. >Her wings curled around your body and she began brushing the front of your crotch with her feathertips.
  2016. >You shook the bars harder.
  2017. Now, Pinkie!
  2018. >"Here they are!" Pinkie yelled.
  2019. >She sat up and spit two crayons out onto the desk.
  2020. >"So, I've got dark blue and a royal blue crayon. Which one would you use for Princess Luna's coat, and which one for her mane?"
  2021. >Fluttershy peeked around your body.
  2022. >"What about her eyes?"
  2023. >"Oh no!" Pinkie gasped. "I don't have any other crayons for that!"
  2024. >She groaned and collapsed facefirst down onto the desk.
  2025. >The papers on top of the heap went up in a dense cloud and then floated down like rainbow confetti shot off during a parade.
  2026. >"This is hard."
  2027. >You rolled your eyes, then pushed Fluttershy backwards with your foot before before addressing Pinkie.
  2028. Just let me out of here already.
  2029. >"No can do," Pinkie said solemnly as she sat up. "I took an oath as a junior safety mare, and I have to uphold the law."
  2030. Even if that means jailing your friends?
  2031. >"I'm really sorry, but I couldn't just give you a get out of jail free card. I mean, those are just meant for the game, you can't use them in real life."
  2032. You're starting to piss me off.
  2033. >"Well how do you think I feel? I don't like jailing my friends. Why didn't you just pay your tickets?"
  2034. I'm not doing that. Fluttershy was supposed to do that.
  2035. >You could feel Fluttershy tense up at being mentioned.
  2036. >"I am sorry I didn't do that," Fluttershy said.
  2037. >She began kneading your ass again.
  2038. >"Really, I just feel awful about it."
  2039. I'm putting my foot in your face if you don't back off.
  2040. >"Eeep!"
  2041. >Her hooves scraped along the floor as she scurried backwards.
  2042. >"I'll just, um . . ."
  2043. >She slowly started backing away into a corner.
  2044. >"O-Okay then . . ."
  2045. >You appealed to Pinkie again.
  2046. Let me out. I know you can see that she’s trying to rape me in here.
  2047. >“I thought you’d be used to that by now.”
  2048. That doesn’t mean I like dealing with it.
  2049. >You grumbled.
  2050. You know, back on Earth, we didn’t lock men up together with women for exactly this same reason.
  2051. >“Wow,” Pinkie said. “We have separate jails for mares and stallions here too.”
  2052. >You stared blankly at her.
  2053. >She shrugged.
  2054. >“Well, most of the time we do.”
  2055. Pinkie, I'm being serious here, I don't know how much longer I can take being locked up with her.
  2056. >"Sorry, my hooves are tied here. Besides, you already ate your jail muffin."
  2057. I didn't eat . . .
  2058. >You looked over and saw Fluttershy with stuffed cheeks; she was wiping crumbs away from her muzzle.
  2059. >Under your harsh gaze, she folded her ears.
  2060. >"Please don't yell, I just want you to be here with me so badly."
  2061. Oh, for God's sake.
  2062. >You gripped the bars and faced Pinkie.
  2063. Come on, just let me out. Please.
  2064. >She regards you for a second longer than normal.
  2065. >"Hmm. No, I can't, not even for good manners."
  2066. Well fuck you then!
  2067. >"Hey!"
  2068. >Stupid Pinkie.
  2069. >You skulked away from the bars to pout.
  2070. >"You know, I'm doing my best here, but I just can't help you with this. I have to do right by the law."
  2071. >Do right . . .
  2072. >As the first grips of an idea came to your mind, Fluttershy approached you.
  2073. >"I know you're taking all this hard, but maybe you would feel better if we took turns cuddling our feelings out? Then maybe you could take me hard."
  2074. >You didn't respond, as you were still thinking.
  2075. >Even Fluttershy rubbing up against your waist did nothing to interrupt your mind.
  2076. >"Also, I should probably tell you that, um, if you're thinking about trying to trick me into breaking us out by saying that prison breaks are your fetish, just don't bother."
  2077. >The idea hit then.
  2078. Fluttershy, say that again.
  2079. >"It's just, I know that prison breaks aren't your fetish."
  2080. No, no, I mean say what Pinkie said earlier.
  2081. >She blinked, a blank look on her face.
  2082. >"Was she talking? I don't remember what--"
  2083. Never mind, you're useless.
  2084. >You pushed her away.
  2085. >She folded her ears and her rump fell to the floor.
  2086. >"Oh, okay then."
  2087. >You ignored her melancholy and got Pinkie's attention.
  2088. >You were getting out of here.
  2089. Pinkie, you can't keep me locked in here. You have to release me.
  2090. >"Well, yeah, I'll have to release you when your sentence is up," she said, shrugging. "But why would you even bring that up? That could be, like, hours from now, I think."
  2091. I didn't bring that up. . . . Whatever. I mean you have to release me now. My arrest is not valid.
  2092. >"Oh, no, it's valid. I'm a junior safety mare. See the sash."
  2093. >Pinkie pulled her sash forward and, aside from the stickers, she had sprinkled some Luster Dust onto it to give the fabric a gold shine.
  2094. >It looked nice.
  2095. What I mean is, it's not valid because you fucked up when you were arresting me.
  2096. >Pinkie scrunched her muzzle in confusion.
  2097. Yeah, that's right. You're not the only one here who's studied the law.
  2098. >"Well, gosh, I thought I did everything right. I gave you your muffin."
  2099. You gave it to Fluttershy.
  2100. >Unable to come to a conclusion, Pinkie sighed and let her shoulders sag down.
  2101. >"Well, I'm stumped. What did I miss?"
  2102. >She looked to you.
  2103. You didn't read me my rights.
  2104. >For the first time in what felt like years, Pinkie was perfectly still.
  2105. >Time passed slowly, her eyes grew to eclipse their whites.
  2106. >She took off her bobby, and the stray strands of her poofy mane all began to stick up out of place.
  2107. >Then there was a poof sound, like a firework popping.
  2108. >Her mane sprang up and then out, as though it had took and then released a deep breath.
  2109. >She smiled; her first word had a very long, drawn out tone of realization:
  2110. >"Oh!"
  2111. >She nodded to herself as one who had had the punchline explained to her would.
  2112. >Then she shrugged and, reaching into her mane, pulled out the cell key.
  2113. >"Well, nothing I can do about that. Guess I have to let you go."
  2114. >Yes!
  2115. >You leaped through the cell door the very moment she opened it.
  2116. >Freedom!
  2117. >The feeling of it made your head dizzy and your heart quicken with excitement.
  2118. >The rush of blood you felt trembling throughout you staggered your body so much that you had to lean on Pinkie's desk just to stay up on your feet.
  2119. >This feeling of freedom, you would never take it for granted again.
  2120. >"I guess I have to let you out too, Fluttershy."
  2121. >Oh Goddammit!
  2122. >Not a second passed before you could feel her rubbing her cheek against the side of your waist.
  2123. >Along with her wing groping your asscheeks.
  2124. >You glared down at her peaceful, contented smile.
  2125. >"You want to go celebrate, now that we're free, I mean . . . ?"
  2126. >"Sure," Pinkie said. "What did you have in mind?"
  2127. >Fluttershy turned and folded her ears at her friend.
  2128. >"Oh, um, I'm sorry, Pinkie. But by celebrate, I meant have sex."
  2129. >“Uh-huh.” Pinkie nodded.
  2130. >Fluttershy stared at her friend’s vacant open-mouthed face, waiting to see if Pinkie had understood at all what she’d said.
  2131. >“And by have sex, I meant just me and him.”
  2132. >“Sounds fun,” Pinkie chirped.
  2133. >“Okay.” Fluttershy sighed, relieved. “So you understand--”
  2134. >“But what are we all gonna do after that?"
  2135. >"Wait, what?"
  2136. Get off of me already.
  2137. >You picked her up by the scruff of her neck and, holding her as far away from you as arm’s length would allow, dropped her rump first down to the floor.
  2138. You all seem to have forgotten . . .
  2139. >Fluttershy gasped like an addict going through withdrawals.
  2140. >She started scrambling towards you, her hooves scratching and scraping against the floorboards, her arms desperate to wrap themselves around your leg.
  2141. >You watched her pathetic display for a moment before taking a substantial step off to the side.
  2142. You all seem to have forgotten that I have a restraining order out against little miss desperation over there.
  2143. >You paused and gave a great, exasperated sigh.
  2144. Which means no touching!
  2145. >You turned and caught Fluttershy pausing midscramble, her hoof stretched out to grab your leg.
  2146. >You glared down at her.
  2147. You already forgot about that, didn’t you?
  2148. >“I, um, might’ve.”
  2149. >It took a minute of fierce staring before she sheepishly pulled her hoof away, bringing it to rest against her chest.
  2150. >Looking up at you, she swallowed a lump in her throat.
  2151. >“Maybe we can compromise?”
  2152. It’s a restraining order.
  2153. >“Is that a no?”
  2154. It’s a fucking restraining order.
  2155. >She looked to Pinkie.
  2156. >“Is that a no?”
  2157. >You could have killed this pony right then and there.
  2158. >“It sure is a no,” Pinkie said. “I can’t find any loopholes in it.”
  2159. Why would there be loopholes in a restraining order?
  2160. >“I dunno,” Pinkie said. “Just thought I’d check.”
  2161. Yeah, well . . .
  2162. >You stopped.
  2163. >Your restraining order wasn’t in your pocket.
  2164. >Pinkie nodded at the paper in her hoof before folding it over into a neat little square.
  2165. >”Yep, airtight.”
  2166. >She noticed you watching her.
  2167. >”What?”
  2168. Why do you have my restraining order?
  2169. >“I confiscated it when I arrested you. You can’t have anything on you when you get locked up, you know. Just you and your muffin.”
  2170. >“And your cellmate,” Fluttershy said dreamily.
  2171. Do not come near me.
  2172. >“I know,” she said, pouting. “Just pretend that I’m hugging you, okay?”
  2173. Yeah, right, like I’m going to do that.
  2174. >Years of familiarity with Fluttershy’s presence, of feeling her touch upon you--always nonconsensual--flooded your senses like they were intrusive thoughts.
  2175. >Try as you might to avoid it, you felt her phantom embrace; her arms wrapped around you and her chest pressed against your side just as though she had actually done so herself.
  2176. >You shuddered, a cold shiver crawling up your back.
  2177. Gross.
  2178. >You looked over at her.
  2179. >She was beaming.
  2180. >Goddamn that horse.
  2181. >”I was just holding it for you,” Pinkie said. “Then I had to find it because I had it stuck in with all these other papers I’ve got over here.”
  2182. >Pinkie used both arms to scoop into the mountain of papers that were on her desk.
  2183. >The pile she held in her arms obscured the top half of her body completely and even rose over her head.
  2184. >Her face popped out to you through the pile and in her mouth she held the square of paper she had folded earlier.
  2185. >She spoke through clenched teeth:
  2186. >“Anyway, you can have it back now.”
  2187. >Minding the horse drool, you gingerly pinched the edge of the paper between your thumb and finger.
  2188. >After wiping it on your pant leg, you tucked the paper away safely in your pocket.
  2189. >Fluttershy had watched all this with a distressed twitch tugging down at the corners of her mouth.
  2190. >“But what am I supposed to do now?”
  2191. You could try leaving.
  2192. >There was a knock against the door then, the echo of which briefly shook through the walls and hinges.
  2193. >Derpy came floating in, her hoof rubbing at a sore spot on her forehead.
  2194. >“There you are, Fluttershy. I’ve been looking all over Ponyville to give you this.”
  2195. >Fluttershy took the letter.
  2196. >”It’s priority mail,” Derpy said.
  2197. >”It’s from the Equestrian Society for the Preservation of Rare Creatures,” Fluttershy said.
  2198. It’s my citizenship papers!
  2199. >You held out your hand.
  2200. Give ‘em here.
  2201. >“What happened to wanting me to leave?”
  2202. You can do that after. It’s your fault my papers got all fucked up in the first place. Now, give me that.
  2203. >You snatched the letter from her, tore it open and began scanning the words for important tidbits.
  2204. >‘. . . Concerning the current living status of the rare creature classified as human, of adult age and of the male sex . . .’
  2205. >As you skimmed the letter, Derpy’s nose twitched.
  2206. >“Do I smell muffins?”
  2207. >“You sure do,” Pinkie said. “I can give you one. You just have to get arrested real quick.”
  2208. >Derpy gasped in elation.
  2209. >“You’d do that for me?”
  2210. >Fluttershy was hanging over your shoulder.
  2211. >“What does it say?”
  2212. Fuck off, horse. I’m reading.
  2213. >‘. . . Taking into account the incredibly rare and arguably alien status of the creature, and regarding both the prestige and the extremely favorable history of the member who had first brought this matter to the Society’s attention, one Fluttershy . . .’
  2214. >“Bye, Derpy.”
  2215. >“Oh, um, yes, nice to see you,” Fluttershy said.
  2216. >You heard the door shut as you reached the end of the letter.
  2217. >‘. . . To ensure the safety of the creature, the Society sees no fault in giving Fluttershy guardianship of the creature and enacting her as the sole executor of the creature’s estate.’
  2218. >‘The Society now sees the matter as finished. Please stop sending us letters about it.’
  2219. >Your eyes wrinkled at those last few sentences as you stared in deep concentration at the letter.
  2220. >You nodded a few times.
  2221. Yes . . . yes.
  2222. >Then you handed it to Fluttershy.
  2223. Here. What does this crap say? I read the whole thing and I still don’t get it.
  2224. >As Fluttershy read, Pinkie Pie approached you.
  2225. >“You didn’t get it? But I thought you knew the law like the back of your hoof.”
  2226. Hand.
  2227. >“And?” Pinkie looked confused. “And what?”
  2228. I didn’t say ‘and’! I said . . .
  2229. >You let out a long, choked sigh.
  2230. I only studied a few laws about a year ago, and they were all ones that I knew would help keep me from getting my ass fondled by Fluttershy.
  2231. >“Oh,” Pinkie said, nodding. “And how many laws did you find that helped you?”
  2232. About three.
  2233. >“Wow. That many?”
  2234. Yeah. Anyway, I don’t have a penchant for understanding legalese.
  2235. >“Neither do I. Why can’t they write ‘em in plain words?”
  2236. >Pinkie scowled and muttered under her breath:
  2237. >“Bureaucrats.”
  2238. I hear ya. I tend to get lost once things get too white collar.
  2239. >“Yeah, I prefer green collar myself.”
  2240. Well that’s . . .
  2241. >Green collar?
  2242. That’s literally not even a thing.
  2243. >“Sure it is. I eat it all the time.”
  2244. What the fuck are you talking about, Pinkie?
  2245. >“Green collar. Every pony knows that it’s way better than white collar.”
  2246. Huh?
  2247. >“Tastes better too.”
  2248. What?
  2249. >You were completely lost now.
  2250. >Pinkie smiled at you, her tongue in her cheek.
  2251. >“You know, green collar, like the flower.”
  2252. >Collar flower.
  2253. >So she was saying . . .
  2254. >Slowly, her teeth were revealed as her smile grew along with your deepening frown.
  2255. Did you really think that I meant cauliflower when I was talking about white collar or is this just more improv?
  2256. >“Eh.”
  2257. >Pinkie shrugged.
  2258. >“A little from collar A, a little from collar B.”
  2259. You worry me sometimes.
  2260. >“If I was you, I’d be more worried about that.”
  2261. >Pinkie pointed at Fluttershy who, now reaching that last bits of the letter, had started to tremble all over with excitement and suck in deep breaths through her clenched teeth.
  2262. >Her wings were twitching, the feathers puffing up, and the tip of her raised tail was eagerly flicking in and out from between her legs.
  2263. >Once she had reached the end she arched her head back and, biting her drool-covered lip, she let a long low moan escape from within the deepest parts of her body.
  2264. >“O-o-o-oh . . . y-e-e-e-e-e-e-ssssssss~!”
  2265. >She licked her lips and hugged the letter close to her chest, all while moaning:
  2266. >“Oh yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes!”
  2267. >You slowly turned to Pinkie.
  2268. You’re right, I’m scared.
  2269. >“So am I,” Pinkie said. “And I’m not even the one she’s obsessed with either.”
  2270.  
  2271. >Your frown darkened and deepened the more Fluttershy explained to you what the letter was about.
  2272. >You were scowling by the time she had finished.
  2273. >Silence pervaded the room and she forced herself to smile nervously in an effort to appease your wrath.
  2274. >It didn’t work, you were pissed.
  2275. Those aren’t my citizenship papers, Fluttershy.
  2276. >“I know.”
  2277. You fucked up again.
  2278. >“Yes.”
  2279. Did you ever at any point during any of this actually attempt to fix the problem with my citizenship papers that you caused?
  2280. >“Um . . . no.”
  2281. >She flies up and wraps her arm around your shoulder.
  2282. >“But look at it this way. Now I get to make all of your decisions for you, and you’re legally obligated to obey them.”
  2283. >She smiles.
  2284. >“Isn’t that nice?”
  2285. No it isn’t nice! You fucking horse, I’ll make glue out of you!
  2286. >Her eyes shrank. “Oh dear.”
  2287. >Before she could fly away you grabbed her by the tail.
  2288. >“I’m sorry. Please let me go.”
  2289. Shut up, Fluttershy. I’m throwing the book at you, I’m going to bash your head in.
  2290. >Pinkie prodded you in the ribs.
  2291. Agh!
  2292. >As soon as you let go of her, Fluttershy flew over by Pinkie’s side and hid herself behind her friend’s poofy pink tail, holding it up under her chin like it was a security blanket.
  2293. What’s your problem, Pinkie?
  2294. >“Sorry, but Fluttershy’s your legal guardian now, and if she tells you to let go of her, then you have to do it. It’s the law.”
  2295. >“And he was going to bash my head in.”
  2296. >“Oh yeah, that too. That’s definitely a no-no.”
  2297. >You scoff.
  2298. Come on, this is bullshit. You aren’t really going to take her side in this. She’s trying to make me her slave.
  2299. >“No she’s not,” Pinkie said. “She already did that.”
  2300. Oh, so, what, she just owns me now? There’s no way that can be legal.
  2301. >“Looks right to me,” Pinkie said, reading over the letter. “It says here she has full ownership over you.”
  2302. It doesn’t say that--and no she doesn’t!
  2303. >“Legally, she does,” Pinkie said. “You’re her’s and you have to do what she says. Hey, so you’re kind of like a mama now, huh, Fluttershy?”
  2304. >“He can call me mama, if he wants to.”
  2305. >“That’s so adorable. Come on, call her mama for me.”
  2306. What the fuck--no, you weirdo.
  2307. >“Aw, come on. Do I have to tickle you again?”
  2308. >Pinkie took a cautionary step forward, and it was at this point that you realized just how fucked your situation was.
  2309. >Fluttershy had made herself your legal guardian, she had full control over you and all your decisions.
  2310. >And with Pinkie joining her as an enforcer, she’d make sure that those decisions would be seen through to their bitter end.
  2311. >Your old life was now gone, completely obliterated and now taken over by these crazy ponies.
  2312. >These ponies had completely fucked you over this time.
  2313. So I’m Fluttershy’s property?
  2314. >“Uh-huh,” Pinkie said with a nod. “Bippity boppity.”
  2315. >“It’ll be nice, I promise,” Fluttershy said. “So, um, how about you and I go home so we can start moving your stuff into my cottage?”
  2316. >You pursed your lips.
  2317. Yeah, well, I guess I’ll just have to--Yeah fucking right!
  2318. >In one swift motion, you reached out, picked them both up by their manes and tossed them into the open cell like ragdolls.
  2319. >You slammed the cell door shut and ran down the short hall that led out of the jailhouse.
  2320. Your mind raced with ideas on where you should run away to.
  2321. >Maybe you could go to Pony Canada.
  2322. >What would the horse pun be for Canada here in Equestria?
  2323. >Maybe Caneighda?
  2324. >No other silly names came to mind before you tripped on the nail in the threshold and fell facefirst into the snow outside.
  2325. Dammit!
  2326. >“Here, let me help you.”
  2327. >You took Fluttershy’s hoof and got up.
  2328. Thanks, I--Oh come on!
  2329. >You wiped the cold mush out from your teary eyes and saw Fluttershy and Pinkie standing before you.
  2330. Are you kidding me?!
  2331. >They regarded you blankly.
  2332. >“What?” Fluttershy said.
  2333. How the hell did you get out?
  2334. >“The key, silly,” Pinkie said, pulling the cell key out from her mane.
  2335. >Shit. You’d forgotten about the stuff Pinkie held in her mane.
  2336. >You should’ve shaved her head or something.
  2337. >Just then she reached into her mane again and pulled out a slip of paper.
  2338. >You were about to take it until you realized that it was--
  2339. Another fucking ticket! Are you serious?
  2340. >“Uh-huh,” Pinkie said. “For detaining a junior safety mare while she’s on duty.”
  2341. You weren’t even in that cell for ten seconds.
  2342. >“Sorry, but the law’s the law.”
  2343. >She waved the slip towards you.
  2344. >“Here, take it. I used the crayons and drew you a really colorful smiley face on this one.”
  2345. Fine.
  2346. >You crossed your arms.
  2347. Fluttershy, take it.
  2348. >“Oh, um, alright then. . . .”
  2349. >Fluttershy’s brow furrowed as she studied the ticket.
  2350. >“I don’t see a smiley face anywhere on here.”
  2351. >“Oh, then it must be on this one.”
  2352. >Pinkie reached into her mane a third time and--
  2353. No, fuck you. No more tickets.
  2354. >“Aw, you didn’t even let me pull it out yet,” Pinkie said, pouting.
  2355. This is ridiculous. What else could I possibly have done to deserve another one?
  2356. >“I never got my jail muffin.”
  2357. >“Neither did I, now that I think about it,” Fluttershy said.
  2358. >“And I was hoping for chocolate too.”
  2359. >The snow had stopped falling.
  2360. >There was nothing in the air between you and Pinkie Pie that could have obscured the wrath that you held in your eyes for her.
  2361. You know what, Pinkie, you’ve done nothing but cause me trouble ever since this whole junior safety mare thing started.
  2362. >“Hey, that’s not fair,” Pinkie said. “I tried to help you as much as I could--I tried to help both of you--but I still have to follow the law.”
  2363. If you really wanted to help me, then you’d keep her away from me.
  2364. >You pointed at Fluttershy.
  2365. I’ve got the restraining order.
  2366. >Pinkie nodded pensively to herself.
  2367. >“That is true.”
  2368. >“Wait just a minute,” Fluttershy said. “I’m your mama now, mister. You can’t keep me away from you.”
  2369. >Fluttershy latched onto your leg, pressing her cheek against your thigh.
  2370. >“He needs me around to watch over him at all times, just like the society says.”
  2371. That is not what that letter said.
  2372. >She mumbled: “Like you would know.”
  2373. What was that?!
  2374. >“N-Nothing. . . .”
  2375. >“Okay, wait,” Pinkie said, “so you have a restraining order, but Fluttershy is your legal guardian . . . ?”
  2376. >“I prefer to be called his mama.”
  2377. They’re going to be calling you a vegetable if you don’t get off of me.
  2378. >“I’m your mama, I can hug you if I want to.”
  2379. Your wing is on my ass.
  2380. >“I can do that too.”
  2381. Get off!
  2382. >“No.”
  2383. Fluttershy--
  2384. >“It’s mama, sweetie.”
  2385. You fucking--
  2386. >“Hang on, I’m confused,” Pinkie said, growing more frazzled by the second. “You both have proper papers, but which one of you am I supposed to listen to here?”
  2387. >“Me.”
  2388. Me.
  2389. >Having heard your voices answer simultaneously, you and Fluttershy both glared at each other.
  2390. >You argued that your restraining order came first and thus should have more power.
  2391. >Fluttershy argued that her document had more power since it came from a nationally recognized organization.
  2392. >Seeing her friends fighting, Pinkie’s mane started to deflate and lose its color.
  2393. >“Wait a second, we don’t have to start arguing. I’m sure we can fix this if we work together.”
  2394. >Now both of you had eagerly turned to Pinkie for answers, and her nervous eyes twitched back and forth at a loss between the two of you.
  2395. Come on, Pinkie. Are you really going to listen to little miss rapist here?
  2396. >“Pinkie, you know we’re good friends. You can trust me when I say that he belongs to me.”
  2397. She’s literally humping my leg right now. She’s drooling on me from both ends over here.
  2398. >“Who’s better with animals than me? You know I can take better care of him than he can on his own.”
  2399. Pinkie, listen to me . . .
  2400. >“Listen to me, Pinkie . . .”
  2401. >The two of you argued on and on, and Pinkie spiralled further down into herself.
  2402. >Her lost eyes had stopped looking between the two of you and had settled straight down so that they rested over her heaving chest.
  2403. >“I-I don’t know what to do.”
  2404. >She wiped her eyes and tried to appeal to you both.
  2405. >“Come on, guys, aren’t we all friends here? We don’t have to fight. Can’t both of you just be right so everything can go back to normal again?”
  2406. >You both turned on her.
  2407. No!
  2408. >“No!”
  2409. >Pinkie flinched.
  2410. >“Okay, okay. I’m sorry. Just tell me what I have to do to help and I’ll do it.”
  2411. >There was a light in Pinkie’s eyes then, a spark of life seemed to glow within her again.
  2412. >She straightened up, closed her eyes and laid her hoof over her chest.
  2413. >"As a junior safety mare of the Pony Public Protection Department, I swear, on my honor, to--"
  2414. >“Stop right there!”
  2415. >Two members of the Royal Guard flew down from the sky.
  2416. >They landed on either side of Pinkie and, as fast as they appeared, closed a pair of cuffs on her hooves.
  2417. >“What the--Hey!” Pinkie said. “What’s going on here?”
  2418. >She tried to raise her arm but the cuffs blocked her.
  2419. >The two guards both grabbed one of her arms and held her in place.
  2420. >“Pinkamena Diane Pie,” the guard said, “you’re under arrest for impersonating an officer of the Pony Public Protection Department.”
  2421. >“What the--” Pinkie sputtered indignantly. “But I’m a junior safety mare.”
  2422. >“It’s true,” Fluttershy said. “We were there when Pinkie Pie got her confirmation in the mail.”
  2423. >“Yes, confirmation for Pinkie Pie, not for Pinkamena,” the Royal Guard said.
  2424. >“So it was a different pony named Pinkie?” Pinkie said.
  2425. >“That’s correct,” the Royal Guard said.
  2426. >“You mean there’s two Pinkies?” Fluttershy said.
  2427. >“It appears so,” said the Royal Guard.
  2428. So who’s the other Pinkie?
  2429. >A skinny tan pegasus with blonde mane, a stethoscope cutie mark and a pair of circle-shaped spectacles resting over his muzzle landed in the middle of you all.
  2430. >“That would be me,” he said. “I’m Dr. Pinkerton Piesus, and I’m afraid that those junior safety officer papers were meant to go to me.”
  2431. But they were sent to Pinkie Pie.
  2432. >“Yes, well, it’s a nickname that I happened to procure through my extensive work within the world of pediatric medicine. It’s much easier for foals to say Pinkie than Pinkerton, you see.”
  2433. And you’ve saved Equestria numerous times.
  2434. >“Actually, I’ve discovered cures for some of the most deadly sicknesses of our times, diseases that would have otherwise plagued ponies for years.”
  2435. Like what?
  2436. >“Oh, well, I found the cures for Lameness, Horse Face, Hoof in Mouth disease, the list can go on, really.”
  2437. >Your soul tried to exit your body through your heavy sigh.
  2438. >You turned so as not to face him and then held your head in your hands.
  2439. God, I hate Equestria.
  2440. >“Anyway, I do wish I could help you Miss Pie. I told these fellows that I didn’t wish to press any charges against you, but it appears that you’re in trouble regardless.”
  2441. >“Aw, that’s okay, Pinkie,” Pinkie said. “Tell the truth, being a junior safety mare wasn’t really like I thought it would be. I’m kinda happy I get to take a break from it for a while.”
  2442. >Yeah, so were you.
  2443. >Pretty sure she was going to end up siding with Fluttershy there.
  2444. >“Besides, I can always send in another application some other time.”
  2445. >“Actually, you’ve been blacklisted from the department entirely,” the Royal Guard said. “They’ll never take you now.”
  2446. >“Aw nuts!”
  2447. >You clicked your tongue in sympathy for Pinkie as one of the guards escorted her into the jailhouse.
  2448. Tough break.
  2449. >“Yeah,” Fluttershy said.
  2450. We should probably apologize to her once she gets out.
  2451. >“I think so too.”
  2452. >Fluttershy turned to the guard.
  2453. >“Excuse me, but do you know when she will be getting out?”
  2454. >The Guard shrugged.
  2455. >“Probably at the same time as you guys.”
  2456. >You furrowed your brow.
  2457. You what?
  2458. >“Beg pardon,” Fluttershy said, her ears folding.
  2459. >The guard hummed to himself.
  2460. >“Right, I forgot to mention that. We’re actually supposed to be detaining all of you.”
  2461. >You shook your head in disbelief.
  2462. >Just the thought of being locked up with her again. . . .
  2463. No fucking way. You can’t be serious.
  2464. >“Afraid so,” the Royal Guard said.
  2465. >“But why?” Fluttershy asked.
  2466. >The guard sucked some air in through his teeth.
  2467. >“I’m not actually sure. It’s kind of a complicated case. The brass tried to explain it to me back at headquarters in Canterlot, but all that white collar legal stuff just flies right over my head, you know?”
  2468. No. No, I don’t know. How about you try explaining it to me.
  2469. >“I just did.”
  2470. Try harder.
  2471. >The guard sighed with his entire body, his shoulders sagging at the prospect.
  2472. >“Something to do with our authority clashing with the department’s, and us not being able to overturn her arrests, despite the fact that she was never authorized to arrest any pony in the first place.”
  2473. >The guard waved his hoof dismissively.
  2474. >“Yadda, yadda. Stuff like that. Like I said, it’s complicated.”
  2475. >All was silent for a moment.
  2476. >“Plus, you’re all technically trespassing on government property right now,” the Royal Guard said. “And you broke into the jailhouse without permission.”
  2477. >He stifled a cough, then, clearing his throat, said:
  2478. >“So, uh, yeah, you’re in trouble.”
  2479. This is bullshit.
  2480. >The guard that escorted Pinkie came back and took Fluttershy by the arm.
  2481. >“Come with me, please, miss.”
  2482. >Fluttershy sighed. “I had just gotten out too. . . .”
  2483. >As she was led away, the other guard approached you.
  2484. >“We’ll follow them then.”
  2485. Look, I’m not about to resist arrest, but you gotta lock me up somewhere else--somewhere away from that yellow monster.
  2486. >You pointed at Fluttershy, who at that moment had caught the guard that was escorting her when he tripped on the nail in the threshold.
  2487. >“Oh, careful,” she said. “I’m sorry, I should have told you to watch your step.”
  2488. >“Thank you,” the Royal Guard said, as she helped him back up. “I could’ve broken my neck.”
  2489. >The guard arresting you faced you again, his mouth stretched thin and stoic.
  2490. >“Yeah, she’s really evil, that one,” he said.
  2491. You have no idea. If I threw a pair of my dirty undies on your muzzle, she’d rip your head off just trying to get ‘em.
  2492. >“Yeah. Well, my orders were to detain you here. Besides, you’ll be in seperate cells. Mares and stallions aren’t supposed to be locked up together.”
  2493. >He squinted his eyes, examining you.
  2494. >“You are male, right?”
  2495. Yes, I am. But there’s only one free cell in there.
  2496. >The guard’s eyes widened.
  2497. >“Oh. Well . . .”
  2498. >He thought for a moment.
  2499. >“Can you just ignore her then?”
  2500. We’ll be sharing a cell.
  2501. >“Is that a no?”
  2502. Of course it is!
  2503. >He shrugged.
  2504. >“Well, there’s nothing I can do about it.”
  2505. >He stepped towards you.
  2506. >You thought quickly.
  2507. Okay, okay--wait. You can’t lock me up with her. I’ve got a restraining order against her.
  2508. >You unfolded the paper in your pocket and gave it to the guard.
  2509. >He studied it closely.
  2510. >“Sir, this is a coloring book page of Princess Luna.”
  2511. >Goddammit Pinkie!
  2512. >She gave you back the wrong paper!
  2513. >He studied it more.
  2514. >“And her eyes are colored wrong. They should be cyan, not royal blue.”
  2515. >There was a scream from inside the jail:
  2516. >“Bureaucrats!”
  2517.  
  2518. >You sat sullenfaced on the floor in the cell as Fluttershy used her wing to pull you closer to her side.
  2519. >“It’s not so bad, is it?”
  2520. >“Yeah,” Pinkie said from the corner, her mouth full with all three of your muffins. “Who’d have thought they’d have blueberry on them. These are good.”
  2521. They didn’t read us our rights again.
  2522. >You pressed your face against the cold cell bars, trying to look down the hall that led to the entrance.
  2523. >The guards had left shortly after locking the three of you up, taking only the crayons with them before departing.
  2524. >They only said that they had an important errand to run.
  2525. >They gave no indication of how long your sentences would be or when they would even be back to check up on you all.
  2526. We could probably escape if you still had your key, Pinkie.
  2527. >“Not me,” she said. “That was the first thing they confiscated out of my mane.”
  2528. >“I still can’t believe they were able to fill two contractor bags full of candy from what they pulled out from there.”
  2529. >“That’s my mane,” Pinkie said, running a hoof through her big pink curls. “I got it all from my Granny Pie.”
  2530. >Her hoof left her mane and brought out from it an old root beer sucker that Pinkie began making short work of.
  2531. Well at least we won’t starve if the guards never come back.
  2532. >“Don’t worry, sweetie, mama’s here for you,” Fluttershy said.
  2533. That’s why I’m worried.
  2534. >Fluttershy began rubbing your back gently and cooing in your ear.
  2535. >Her wing went lower with each stroke.
  2536. >“But we’ll have more to eat than just sweets,” she said. “It really isn’t good for you to eat so much sweets, even if you are my sweetie.”
  2537. >“Speak for yourself,” Pinkie said.
  2538. Yeah, what do you care what I eat?
  2539. >“Well, it’s just, now that I’m your legal guardian, I feel like I should be looking out for you more often.”
  2540. >Wonderful. . . .
  2541. >“And that means your health, too, mister.”
  2542. So you’re my legal guardian, huh?
  2543. >“Well, yes, you were there when I got the paperwork, remember?”
  2544. And who’s going to enforce that once we’re out of here?
  2545. >Fluttershy opened her mouth to speak but no words came out.
  2546. >Slowly, her jaw went slack and a pang of realization stilled her eyes as they stared out at the empty space before her, lost.
  2547. >She folded her ears, and her downcast eyes sought out comfort from the floor.
  2548. >“Oh. . . .”
  2549. >She brought her wing back to her side.
  2550. >“Excuse me, I need to be alone for a while.”
  2551. >She got up and went to the corner.
  2552.  
  2553. >Four hours.
  2554. >Fluttershy had been sobbing for four hours now.
  2555. >Even Pinkie couldn’t cheer her up, though she’d been trying this whole time.
  2556. >All she’d gotten was a soaked, snot-covered shoulder in return.
  2557. >“There, there,” Pinkie said tiredly, for about the hundreth time in under a minute.
  2558. >If her voice had eyes right now, the bags underneath them would run deeper than the furthest reaches of space.
  2559. >“I was supposed to be his mama!” Fluttershy wailed.
  2560. >“There, there.”
  2561. >A few more hours later and Fluttershy finally started to come down from her manic-depressive episode.
  2562. >She was sniffling, her head resting in your lap as you gently stroked her mane.
  2563. >Pinkie had fallen asleep on her a while ago and was snoring like a bear in a far corner of the cell.
  2564. >You wiped a tear from her eye with a gentle swipe of your thumb.
  2565. >Fluttershy looked up at you.
  2566. >“Th-Thank y-y-you,” she sniffled.
  2567. There, there.
  2568. >A small smile came to her, like a comforting thought.
  2569. >“I guess I can always be your mama in spirit.”
  2570. There, there.
  2571. >“I love you.”
  2572. There, there.
  2573. >“I feel better now.”
  2574. >Good. Your legs were soaked.
  2575. >You gently cupped the back of her neck and began to ease her off.
  2576. >She whined, as if to tell you to wait, and then said quickly:
  2577. >“But I’d be fine if you wanted to keep touching me. I have some other spots that could use some petting too.”
  2578. >She wasn’t facing you, but she batted her eyelashes anyway.
  2579. >Yeah, she was back to normal now.
  2580. >You shoved her off of your lap and left her to pick herself up off the floor.
  2581. I’ve got to go to the corner.
  2582. >You were talking about the lone toilet that was in the cell.
  2583. Can I trust you not to creep on me when I do? Otherwise I’m going to cover myself.
  2584. >“Oh, definitely,” she said eagerly. “Don’t cover yourself. I won’t look, I promise. Not even a peep. Nope, not me. You just go ahead and do it, and take your time. There’s no hurry at all.”
  2585. >She smiled up at you.
  2586. >You regarded her for a moment.
  2587. >Then you took the blanket off from the cell cot and brought it with you to the corner.
  2588. >You heard Fluttershy mutter, “Oh ponyfeathers!”
  2589. >Now you were going to feel like a parrot every time you had to shit.
  2590.  
  2591. >The tiny pony blanket barely reached past your knees.
  2592. >Still, you could tell that Fluttershy was standing right next to your leg, trying to peer underneath your covering.
  2593. >You hadn’t even started to go yet either.
  2594. Dammit, Fluttershy, fuck off. I know you’re there.
  2595. >“No I’m not,” you heard her say from across the cell.
  2596. >“Oh, sorry,” Pinkie said, scooting away from you. “I was just wondering what you were doing?”
  2597. You’re wondering what I’m doing?
  2598. >“Yeah-huh.”
  2599. When I’m on the toilet!
  2600. >“Oh--gross!”
  2601. >From behind the sheet, you could barely make out Pinkie’s silhouette as she reared back away from you.
  2602. What’s with you? You knew this was where the toilet was.
  2603. >“Yeah, but I didn’t know you were doing that.”
  2604. What else would I be doing?
  2605. >“You’re dressed like a ghostie,” Pinkie shouted. “I thought we were gonna play a game!”
  2606. >You saw Fluttershy come up and start comforting her.
  2607. >“It’s okay. He wouldn’t let me look either.”
  2608. I hate being here so much.
  2609.  
  2610. >You gave up watching out the window for some pony to come by; they were all holed up still from the blizzard.
  2611. >Your dry shrivelled lips popped off one of Pinkie’s hairy root beer suckers.
  2612. >The candy ball felt like sandpaper against your dry tongue.
  2613. They’ve been gone for over a day.
  2614. >Pinkie was panting like a dog, her pale tongue hanging out.
  2615. >“I’m so thirsty.”
  2616. >Fluttershy wheezed.
  2617. >“Hey”--she crawled over to where you were sitting and grabbed your leg.
  2618. What?
  2619. >“We won’t be so thirsty if we swap spit.”
  2620. Fuck off.
  2621. >“Then let me drink your seed. Please, I’m so thirsty. I promise I’ll give you the best blowjob you’ve ever had.”
  2622. Here, suck on this.
  2623. >You popped the root beer sucker in her mouth, and, just like a pacifier, it soothed the horny beast within her.
  2624. >You would have pushed her off of you too, but you were getting a headache.
  2625. >A short glare had to make do for now.
  2626.  
  2627. >A few hours later you all heard the door to the jailhouse open.
  2628. >There were multiple clip-clops, it was more than one guard.
  2629. Finally.
  2630. >Before you could say anything more, you heard one of the guards speak up.
  2631. >“All right, this way, please.”
  2632. >There was a tinkling sound, like chains being rattled.
  2633. >The three of you got up from the floor and approached the bars of the cell.
  2634. >It was just in time to greet Princess Celestia, her legs shackled in chain-linked cuffs, as she was escorted before the door.
  2635. Woah.
  2636. >Fluttershy brought her hooves up to her chin.
  2637. >“Oh my goodness.”
  2638. >“Hiya, Princess,” Pinkie chirped.
  2639. >Despite the circumstances, Princess Celestia smiled warmly towards you all.
  2640. >“Hello, Pinkie Pie. Hi, every pony. I’m glad to see that I’m going to be having some cellmates while I spend my time here.”
  2641.  
  2642. >Turns out that Princess Celestia had gotten herself into trouble when she endorsed the wrong Pinkie Pie to the Department
  2643. >She said it was some kind of fraud related charge.
  2644. >She wasn’t sure, really; the guard didn’t explain it to her very well, and she explained it to all of you with even less clarity.
  2645. >The most you could get out of her when she first arrived was just a dismissive wave of her hoof with her saying, “I guess I was just naughty without knowing it.”
  2646. >But even though the guards had to escort the former princess to jail, they still gave her time to pack a few things.
  2647. >She even had them carry it all for her.
  2648. >This included her tea set.
  2649. >You, Fluttershy and Pinkie Pie were all sat in a semicircle on the floor, drinking from porcelain white teacups.
  2650. Mmm. Chamomile.
  2651. >“Is it still warm?” Princess Celestia said from across the cell. “I can cast another heating spell if it’s required.”
  2652. I’m good.
  2653. >“Yes, thank you, Princess,” Fluttershy said.
  2654. >“And doubly thanks for the tea cakes,” Pinkie said as she crammed one down her crumb-covered maw.
  2655. >And with that, Princess Celestia went back to crawling around on the cell floor, her belly raising up dust clouds as she wedged herself up to her shoulders underneath the cot.
  2656. >She’d spent the past twenty minutes looking all over the cell for something--she wouldn’t say what.
  2657. >All you knew was that she really wanted to find it.
  2658. >Just a second ago she was hugging the base of the toilet so she could get a good look up underneath the tank.
  2659. >None of you were paying her any mind, really; she saved all your asses.
  2660. >For all you cared, she could paint the walls with shit--just as long as she kept giving you tea.
  2661. >“Aha!”
  2662. >Princess Celestia appeared again, her white coat so smeared with dust and dirt smudges that she looked like a dalmation.
  2663. >A far cry from the pictures you’d seen of her wearing her crown and regalia.
  2664. >Held within her gold aura was something that looked like a little grey brick, which she eyed affectionately.
  2665. >“I was hoping I’d find this.”
  2666. What is it?
  2667. >“Ooo,” Pinkie said in awe. “Nice mouth organ.”
  2668. What the fuck did you just say?
  2669. >Princess Celestia blew onto the brick, sending a storm of dust swirling throughout the cell.
  2670. >It was like someone had opened up a vacuum bag and stuck a leaf blower into it at full blast.
  2671. >When the dust cleared, you could hear a sharp trill being played, a bluesy vibrato.
  2672. >Princess Celestia was jamming out on a harmonica.
  2673. >She stopped briefly to address your confused expression.
  2674. >“An old decree of mine that I’m surprised to see was followed through. Every jail cell in Equestria must have a harmonica somewhere within it.”
  2675. >She blew a few more stray notes, then smiled at you all.
  2676. Well I’ll be damned. You got a tin cup to go with that?
  2677. >Princess Celestia’s ears perked up.
  2678. >“Oh! Did you already find the tin cup before I got here? Where was it?”
  2679.  
  2680. >A few days passed.
  2681. >The four of you had settled into a routine.
  2682. >Pinkie was the early riser, followed by Princess Celestia.
  2683. >They would tell each other jokes until they inadvertently woke up either you or Fluttershy.
  2684. >Fluttershy was always snuggled up against your chest, no matter how careful you had been the night before.
  2685. >Princess Celestia would then send a guard out to get breakfast for you all.
  2686. >Though on the second day, the guard had showed up late, so the princess grew impatient and just said:
  2687. >“Tell the guard that I’ll be back momentarily.”
  2688. >She then teleported out of the cell, but came back nearly an hour later with some of the most delicious Apple Brown Betty you’d ever had.
  2689. >The rest of the day’s meals followed similarly, with either a guard or the princess going out to get food for you all.
  2690. >Honestly, it felt more like a vacation than a jail sentence.
  2691. >Only problem was that Fluttershy was there too, and it wasn’t much better than last time.
  2692. >At least she would sometimes ease up when Pinkie and Princess Celestia were around.
  2693. >Though the princess did love hearing about all the stories you and Fluttershy had about each other.
  2694. >She liked to hear them while she and Pinkie colored.
  2695. >Maybe even worse was how much Fluttershy enjoyed telling them.
  2696. >“. . . And that’s how I discovered that his fetish definitely wasn’t slithering black eels.”
  2697. >Princess Celestia erupted into peals of laughter, with Pinkie following along with her own little giggles.
  2698. >You just stewed in the corner, watching it all with a disdainful eye.
  2699. >“You know,” Princess Celestia said, “Luna would sometimes tell me about these crazy things she’d see in your dreams, but I never would’ve thought that they were based on things that you’d actually done.”
  2700. >“Pass the brick red, please,” Pinkie said.
  2701. >The princess levitated the crayon over to Pinkie.
  2702. >She then wiped a tear from her eye and turned over her shoulder to see you.
  2703. >“I don’t see why you haven’t snatched this one up yet. She’s an absolute card!”
  2704. She’s an absolute pain is what she is.
  2705. >“I cannot agree,” she responded.
  2706. Whatever. Stop looking at me, I’m trying to go here.
  2707. >“Oh, please, You’ve got the blanket on.”
  2708. Who cares if I got the blanket on. I can’t go if you’re looking.
  2709. >There were a lot of the usual prison activities, too, a lot of naps, some pacing around the cell, and staring into space was always a good time waster.
  2710. >Life in jail actually wasn’t all that different from life on the outside, really.
  2711. >“More tea, Fluttershy?”
  2712. >“Oh, thank you so much.”
  2713.  
  2714. >“Morning, sweetie, here’s your Apple Brown Betty.”
  2715. >You wiped the sleep out of your eyes, sat up on the cot, and took the plate from Fluttershy while mumbling out a drowsy thanks.
  2716. >Fluttershy stood and stared at you.
  2717. >She waved an encouraging hoof your way just as you were to say something.
  2718. >“Go on and eat it all up while it’s still hot.”
  2719. >Your blank stare went from her to the Brown Betty to her again.
  2720. >You looked over and nodded at Princess Celestia.
  2721. >She answered your eyes between bites of her creamy butter cheesecake.
  2722. >“Your food’s clean.”
  2723. >You nodded and took up the plate.
  2724. >Fluttershy pursed her lips.
  2725. >“Honestly, where would I get drugs while we’re in prison?”
  2726. It can be done, and I know you of all ponies would find a way to do it.
  2727. >Fluttershy simply shook her head before taking a seat next to you.
  2728.  
  2729. >When you were coming out of sleep one morning, you were surprised to find that Fluttershy wasn’t snuggled up to you.
  2730. >She was talking to a few cardinals that had landed on the cell windowsill.
  2731. >“Um, no,” she told them. “Tell Angel that the predators should absolutely get fed before the prey, less incidents that way.”
  2732. >The birds saluted her with their wings before flying off.
  2733. >You sat up on the cot and stretched.
  2734. >Princess Celestia noticed and briefly looked up from the game of Go Fish that she was playing with Pinkie.
  2735. >“Morning,” Princess Celestia said.
  2736. >Fluttershy turned swiftly around.
  2737. >“Is my sweetie awake?”
  2738. >“Yes, indeed, your beloved has risen,” Princess Celestia said with a giggle.
  2739. >“Just in time for his good morning kiss,” Fluttershy said.
  2740. >She flew straight at you, her lips puckered--and smashed her face against your open palm.
  2741. >Your tired eyes leered over to Princess Celestia.
  2742. I wish you wouldn’t encourage her like that.
  2743. >She shrugged.
  2744. >“I crave excitement.”
  2745. Is the mail here?
  2746. >“Yes, that lovely postal mare brought it while you were still snoring,” Princess Celestia said. “And she had some news you’ll like to hear. Why don’t you tell him, Fluttershy?”
  2747. >Reluctantly, you retracted your hand from Fluttershy’s face.
  2748. >Well, half reluctantly--she’d been flossing her tongue between your fingers this whole time.
  2749. >She sat down next to you.
  2750. >“Twilight is looking into our case,” Fluttershy said. “She thinks that she can have us out in just a few more days.”
  2751. >Just a few more days, eh?
  2752. >You were pretty sure you could handle that.
  2753.  
  2754. No.
  2755. >“Aw, come on, pretty please?” Pinkie said, assuming a beggar’s stance at your feet.
  2756. You are not bringing a kiddie pool in here.
  2757. >“But I already sent a guard out for the pool floaties.”
  2758. Do you not see the banks of snow that are outside?!
  2759.  
  2760. >“Just once I’d like to try it,” Princess Celestia said. “Though I’d understand it if you weren’t comfortable.”
  2761. >“I’m fine with it,” Fluttershy said. “You go ahead.”
  2762. >“Wonderful, Fluttershy, thank you.”
  2763. >Princess Celestia cleared her throat, then turned to you.
  2764. >“Is my raising the sun your fetish?”
  2765. >You sighed.
  2766. No.
  2767. >You went back to your tea.
  2768. >“Ah,” Princess Celestia said. “Well, back to the drawing board then.”
  2769. >“You get used to it after a while,” Fluttershy said.
  2770. >Princess Celestia then nudged your arm with her weird horse elbow.
  2771. >“What about my big fat alicorn pussy?”
  2772. >The tea you were drinking spewed out your mouth.
  2773. >You heard Pinkie cry out.
  2774. >“Hey, watch it! You’re spitting in the pool!”
  2775.  
  2776. >In a first for even Fluttershy, you found her glaring down at one of your lovehandles with disdain, the tip of her hoof gently smooshing into your fat.
  2777. >Then came a sharp jab right into your side.
  2778. >“Feel anything that time?” she asked.
  2779. No.
  2780. >An ugly scowl darkened her face as she groaned.
  2781. >“I’ll never get this right!”
  2782. >When were you going to be able to drink your tea in peace for a change?
  2783. >“You gotta get him in the ribs,” Pinkie said.
  2784. >“I am!”
  2785. >“Yeah, but you gotta do it like--This!”
  2786. Agh!
  2787. >The cup of tea you were drinking dropped to the floor and shattered.
  2788. Fucking Pinkie Pie!
  2789. >“Oh, sorry about that,” Pinkie said.
  2790. No you’re not!
  2791. >They both backed away from you, with Pinkie whispering to Fluttershy:
  2792. >“He’s mad.”
  2793. >“I’ll go get him a new cup.”
  2794. >Princess Celestia approached Pinkie.
  2795. >“Can I try my hoof out at it once he’s calmed down?” Princess Celestia asked.
  2796. No!
  2797.  
  2798. >“Morning, sweetie, here’s your Apple Brown Betty. Eat it up while it’s still hot.”
  2799. >She set the plate on your lap.
  2800. >It was then you noticed that Princess Celestia wasn’t in the cell.
  2801. >When you asked about her, all Fluttershy said was that she had gone to get her other tea set.
  2802. >“Let’s hurry and eat. Look, I got a plate of Brown Betty too,” she said as she sat next to you.
  2803. >“Um, Fluttershy . . . the corner’s clogged,” Pinkie said.
  2804. >Fluttershy sighed and, reaching under the cot, pulled up a plunger.
  2805. >“I’ll be back. Feel free to start without me.”
  2806. >After she left, you briefly regarded both plates of Brown Betty.
  2807. Alright then.
  2808. >And you switched them.
  2809.  
  2810. >Princess Celestia watched the sunset from the cell window, all the way until the last few golden rays had disappeared beneath the green mountains surrounding distant Canterlot.
  2811. >She looked up at the cool night sky and sighed.
  2812. >“Just when I would’ve done it as well. Marvelous work, Twilight.”
  2813. >“Wow, Fluttershy sure was sleepy today,” Pinkie said.
  2814. >The three of you had gathered around the cot where Fluttershy had been passed out since that morning.
  2815. >Her horsey snores, sometimes interrupted by a whinny, had been a constant presence all day.
  2816. >“Maybe she’s going for a record,” Pinkie said while stifling a yawn. “Ask her for me when she wakes up. I’m turning in.”
  2817. >Pinkie left for her pool, as she had taken to falling asleep on the pink inflatable lounge chair that floated in it.
  2818. >Now alone, you and Princess Celestia shared a knowing look, and the princess wore a shrewd smirk.
  2819. >You nodded.
  2820. Yep, it wasn’t clean. Watch this.
  2821. >You clapped your hands just a few inches from Fluttershy’s ear.
  2822. >All she did was snort briefly before she started snoring again.
  2823. Jesus Christ, girl, how heavily did you dose that Betty?
  2824. >“I must admit, my curiosity is peaked as well.”
  2825. She didn’t even eat more than a handful of it either.
  2826. >“She is a very crafty mare.”
  2827. She’s a pest.
  2828. >Acting on a suspicion, you lifted up one of her legs.
  2829. >Glistening wet marehood.
  2830. >Sleep-aid and aphrodisiac: The classic Fluttershy combo.
  2831. Check out her crotch.
  2832. >Princess Celestia smiled lewdly.
  2833. >“Are you trying to get me involved in something here?”
  2834. Oh, give me a break.
  2835. >You threw her leg down.
  2836. I don’t care about that. You can sleep with her tonight if you want.
  2837. >“That’s alright, I’ll take my usual spot.” she said as she turned to take her leave. “Goodnight.”
  2838. Yeah, goodnight.
  2839. >You flopped down next to Fluttershy.
  2840. >She wrapped her arms around you and pulled herself close to your side, sighing with contentment as she did, as though she’d been waiting for it all this time.
  2841. >You watched the strange little smile that had appeared on her face.
  2842. Alright, fine, I won’t push you off. Just please don’t start humping my leg.
  2843. >She immediately started to hump your leg.
  2844. >Mumbles and moans escaped past her drooling smile:
  2845. >“. . . Yeah, yeah . . . that’s good . . .
  2846. >Her nose snuffled.
  2847. >“Smells like greasy hay . . .”
  2848. You know none of us have showered this whole time.
  2849. >You had no idea why you were answering her, you just were.
  2850. >“. . . I . . . like it . . .”
  2851. >You kept trying to get comfortable, but her mane had found its way into your collar and it was tickling your neck.
  2852.  
  2853. >Then, finally, Twilight came one morning.
  2854. >She appeared before the cell and, getting one smell of you all, stopped short her first words of greeting so she could scrunch her muzzle.
  2855. >You grimaced.
  2856. You think it’s bad now, you should’ve been here back before we tossed out my pants. They were soaked.
  2857. >Following your last words, you turned and looked at Fluttershy.
  2858. >Hiding behind her mane, she blushed and mumbled:
  2859. >“I said I was sorry. . . .”
  2860. >Twilight’s eyes scanned your bare legs for a moment.
  2861. >“Well, I was going to ask about that, but now I don’t think I want to.”
  2862. >She returned her attention to the documents that she was holding in her magic.
  2863. >“Back to the matter at hoof, I was able to secure some deals to get you out. But first . . . Princess.”
  2864. >“Yes, Twilight.”
  2865. >“You’re actually free already. In fact, you were never supposed to have been arrested in the first place.”
  2866. >“I guess I wasn’t naughty after all,” Princess Celestia said with a hum.
  2867. >“Not necessarily,” Twilight said. “You did break the law, but you also issued an edict back when Princess Luna had been banished that made it illegal for you to be taken into custody.”
  2868. >“I think I remember that,” Princess Celestia said. “I believe I was having Puff Pastries’ delicious cream puffs when I wrote that law. He was a wonderful chef, and a good friend.”
  2869. >Twilight stared at her mentor for a brief moment.
  2870. >“Right. . . . Well, as it is now, you’re basically above the law.”
  2871. >“Wonderful.”
  2872. >“In fact, the guards that arrested you had to be taken into custody. They’re being held in the Canterlot dungeons.”
  2873. >“Then I suppose that’s my next stop. I’ll just take my tea set and be on my way. Thank you, Twilight. Goodbye, every pony.”
  2874. >A golden flash of light filled the cell and Princess Celestia had gone.
  2875. >You all spent a moment rubbing the stars from your eyes.
  2876. >“Anyway,” Twilight said, “Pinkie Pie and Fluttershy, I was able to get the Canterlot courts to drop the charges against you both. All you have to do is your respective Winter Wrap Up jobs."
  2877. >“I didn’t think getting our charges dropped would be so easy,” Fluttershy said.
  2878. >“Well the ponds are so frozen from the prolonged winter that they want only the most experienced ice skaters out breaking it up. That means you, Pinkie.”
  2879. >“I always knew ice skating would get me out of jail someday.”
  2880. >“Right,” Twilight said. “And Fluttershy, no pony in town wants to wake up the snakes--can’t say that I blame them.”
  2881. >The cell door opened and Pinkie and Fluttershy stepped out.
  2882. >You took a step to follow them.
  2883. >The cell door closed immediately.
  2884. What the--Hey!
  2885. >You grabbed the bars.
  2886. What about me?
  2887. >“I’m sorry, but I wasn’t able to do anything for you,” Twilight said.
  2888. >“No!”
  2889. >Fluttershy flew up and grabbed your arm through the bars.
  2890. >“We can’t just leave him behind. He’s my sweetie.”
  2891. >You suppressed an eye roll you felt coming on.
  2892. Twilight, let me out.
  2893. >“I can’t. I’m sorry.”
  2894. Well, what the fuck, what am I supposed to do then?
  2895. >“Just wait,” Twilight said.
  2896. That’s what I’ve been doing.
  2897. >“I know, but it shouldn’t be much longer. There’s hardly any crime in Equestria right now, and I’ll make sure that your case goes through the proper channels as fast as our legal system can provide.”
  2898. Fine, fine.
  2899. >You sighed.
  2900. How many cases are ahead of mine?
  2901. >“Only about four.”
  2902. So when do you think is the soonest I’ll get my trial?
  2903. >Twilight gulped.
  2904. >“Maybe a year from now?”
  2905. You fucking--!
  2906. >“NO!!”
  2907. >Fluttershy burst into tears.
  2908. >“There has to be something you can do, Twilight. I can’t be separated from him for over a year. I can’t do it!”
  2909. >“I’m sorry, Fluttershy.”
  2910. >The shy mare looked about at the sympathetic faces of the room, lost for a while, before she pressed her cheek against the bars in a vain effort to snuggle up to you.
  2911. >For once, her presence barely registered with you.
  2912. >You just couldn’t believe it, a year of being stuck in jail.
  2913. >You could almost feel your knees about to give out.
  2914. >Fluttershy was soaking your sleeve with her tears.
  2915. >An entire year in jail.
  2916. >All by yourself.
  2917. >Away from--
  2918. >Hey . . .
  2919. >“I promise I won’t leave you, sweetie,” she sniffled.
  2920. >“Come on, Fluttershy,” Twilight said, “Winter Wrap Up starts today.”
  2921. >A purple aura surrounded Fluttershy’s tail.
  2922. >She resisted, holding onto the bars with all her might.
  2923. >“No, no, no! I won’t leave him, I won’t!”
  2924. >Twilight pulled and pulled until Fluttershy’s legs rose up into the air.
  2925. >But even though she was floating up off the floor, she still held on.
  2926. >“I won’t let go!”
  2927. >Beads of sweat dripped down Twilight’s forehead.
  2928. >“A little help, Pinkie?” she said between grunts.
  2929. >“Sure,” Pinkie said.
  2930. >Pinkie slid along the floor until she was underneath Fluttershy’s ribs.
  2931. >“Boop!”
  2932. >She poked her hoof right up into her friend’s tummy.
  2933. >Fluttershy gasped and one of her arms lost grip of the bars.
  2934. >She was barely hanging on but she still wouldn’t let go.
  2935. >You’d had enough by now though.
  2936. >So you looked the other way and began whistling innocently before quickly prying her other arm off the bars.
  2937. >You could hear her being dragged behind Twilight and Pinkie throughout the hall, and the echo of her last words rang out within your empty cell.
  2938. >“I’ll wait for you!”
  2939. >You grinned as you looked down towards the exit and offered her a short wave that she’d never see.
  2940. Goodbye, Fluttershy.
  2941. >The door slammed shut.
  2942. >Silence at last.
  2943. >You sighed and went to sit down on the cot.
  2944. Well, now what?
  2945. >A moment passed.
  2946. >You sighed again.
  2947. Yeah, I’m bored.
  2948. >No, actually, you felt something heavy loosening in your bowels.
  2949. >You got up to go to the corner but stopped short of crossing the cell.
  2950. >After some short deliberation, you picked up the blanket and brought it with you.
  2951. >It just didn’t feel right at this point to go without it.
  2952. >And your instincts proved right: Fluttershy was watching you at the cell window.
  2953. What are you doing?
  2954. >“Don’t stop on my account.”
  2955. >A purple aura briefly outlined her before she was pulled down from the window and out of sight.
  2956. >“No!”
  2957. >“Come on, Fluttershy. Do I have to carry you all the way to the meadows?”
  2958. Probably.
  2959.  
  2960. >Winter was wrapped up by the dawn of the next morning.
  2961. >The sun now shone through clear blue skies as ponies began to come out from their homes and frequent town again.
  2962. >The days seemed to fly by with the change of seasons, and soon you and Fluttershy had settled into a new routine.
  2963. >She handed you a plate through the bars.
  2964. >“Here’s your Apple Brown Betty.”
  2965. >She brought you nearly all your meals now, which she probably would have done even if there was a guard stationed to watch your cell--which there wasn’t.
  2966. >You sat down and dug in right away.
  2967. >There was no danger of your food being drugged anymore, not when she was physically separated from the sweet, jail-sweaty touch of your body.
  2968. >Still, she liked to watch you eat sometimes.
  2969. >There was always a tiny smile on her face when she did.
  2970. >You weren’t sure what she was getting out of it, but she was always weird anyway, so whatever.
  2971. >“So, um, my critters did the funniest thing the other day.”
  2972. >Between bites, you reached for your earplugs, which were actually just two balls of the cotton stuffing that you’d ripped out of your pillow.
  2973. >She stopped her story.
  2974. >“Oh, well, if you don’t want to hear it right now, then that’s okay, I guess.”
  2975. >You heard her mumble:
  2976. >“It happened weeks ago anyway . . . .”
  2977. >You were sure it did; she’d been trying to tell you that story ever since Nature Fluttershy was still up on the calendar.
  2978. >But you had been on April Fool’s Fluttershy for some time now and she still had never gotten to tell you any more than that first line of it.
  2979. >Eventually you would finish your food, and the dirty plate was left in a stack that was close enough to the bars for Fluttershy to reach them.
  2980. >She had just such a stack of crumb-covered dishes in her hooves; it reached up past her chin.
  2981. >“I’ll just take these for you. I’ll be outside for a while if you need anything.”
  2982. >You paid her no mind and, bringing the latest Daring Do book up to your eyes, stretched yourself out on the cot.
  2983. >She stood alone in the empty jailhouse office, watching you.
  2984. >“I love you.”
  2985. >Behind the book, you rolled your eyes.
  2986. Thank you, Fluttershy.
  2987. >The beam from her smile shone over the top of the pages before your eyes, and you knew that you had secured yourself another visit from her sometime in the future.
  2988. >Probably at lunchtime.
  2989. >Once she was outside, Fluttershy again began what had quickly become the most consistently performed part of her new routine.
  2990. >Fluttershy tried to get herself arrested.
  2991. >“I’ll be in there with you by tomorrow,” she said, her voice travelling through the cell window. “Just as soon as I finish writing these naughty words on the jail.”
  2992. Graffiti, eh?
  2993. >“It sure is.” She giggled. “I’m being a bad mare for you.”
  2994. What are you using to write with?
  2995. >“Black chalk.”
  2996. >She chuckled devilishly.
  2997. >“I got the real dark stuff, too, the blackest I could find.”
  2998. That’s not graffiti, Fluttershy. It washes right off.
  2999. >“What? But it’s really dark.”
  3000. Doesn’t matter.
  3001. >“. . . Are you saying that I should switch to the magic marker?”
  3002. Do whatever you want.
  3003. >You heard her sigh.
  3004. >“I’ll just wash this off then, before some pony sees.”
  3005. >A while later, you heard her cease her scrubbing of the jailhouse wall.
  3006. >“Oh, um, excuse me, sir,” she said, “but do you think maybe you could . . .”
  3007. >She devolved into a mumbling mess, her shyness overtaking her.
  3008. >“What was that, miss?”
  3009. >“I was wondering if you could . . .”
  3010. >“Sorry, lady, but I’m in a hurry.”
  3011. >As soon as he was gone, she blurted out:
  3012. >“. . . If you could pay me for sex!”
  3013. >She gasped.
  3014. >“Eep! Oh dear, I hope no pony else heard that.”
  3015. >Other efforts of hers failed in similar fashion.
  3016. >She was just too timid to assault any pony, and no one would ever stick around long enough to hear her insult them--not that they would have heard her anyway.
  3017. >She just couldn’t help herself: she was a model citizen.
  3018. >She would never get herself arrested.
  3019. >“Look everypony, I’m naked!”
  3020. >She’d shouted this as loud as she could.
  3021. >Not a single pony in the busy town circle had stopped what they were doing.
  3022. >Nobody paid any attention to her.
  3023. >You could hear her sigh with her entire soul after that failure.
  3024. >“I knew that wouldn’t work.”
  3025. >So did you, and you weren’t worried.
  3026. >It looked like it was going to be a good year.
  3027. >If only you’d figured it all out sooner.
  3028. >Just as long as you were in jail, you were away from Fluttershy.
  3029. >Now if you could just stay away from Fluttershy for the foreseeable future, then you were golden.

All there was and need to know [zigzag story archive]

by ZigZagWanderer

The Growth Process

by ZigZagWanderer

A Secret Place

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Being Natural

by ZigZagWanderer

Counting with Pinkie Pie

by ZigZagWanderer