Pony ATF


                                            >be Anon, a perfectly sane and well-adjusted individual and nobody can prove otherwise [spoiler]you made damn sure of that[/spoiler]

                                            >getting transported to Equestria was a hoot and a half, you haven't seen this many indescribable colors and shapes since you took acid in college

                                            >you did your best to check that you're not tripping balls, and you weren't


                                            >currently, you are building your first bunker here

                                            >why, a lesser man would ask

                                            >well, following the attack of two dozen weird wood wolves, an enormous hydra, and some doomsday cult weirdos, all within a span of two weeks, you decided that "Ponyville" was a crazy place and you should get the hell out of Dodge before something worse shows up

                                            >…or before they come for your lead-spitting babies

                                            >apparently they have soccer, or "hoofball" moms here too, just your fucking luck

                                            >she made herself known after you blew a baby-sized hole in one of hydra's heads

                                            >you had no intention of waiting for her to tattle on your perfectly-legal mini-arsenal, so, naturally, innawoods you ran


                                            >your little fortress is coming along fine, it's nigh-impossible to tell apart from the rest of the landscape, even from above

                                            >hopefully this'll keep you safe from the monster or villain of the week smashing through the nearby pony settlement

                                            >…and keep your snacks safe, those damn horses keep disappearing them despite your locked doors and shut windows

                                            >…but mostly it's about the monsters

                                            >sure, there are some weird things in this forest, but you're always packin' and can make your own homemade bullets, just like ma' used to make

                                            >and thanks to dad teaching you chemistry, you know how to make the gunpowder as well, it's a shame that meth lab blew up in his face, he and mom were the only people who understood you

                                            >your reverie is interrupted by the ground shaking and loud explosion coming from the outside

                                            >party time


                                            >rushing outside you see shrapnel everywhere that looks a lot like gold

                                            >following the trail to the epicenter you find a small crater where one of your landmines used to be

                                            >lifting your eyes, you see a pony hanging off one of the trees in the distance, her white coat provides a stark contrast to the bark of the tree

                                            >yep, looks like you got another one

                                            >for some reason there has been a lot of those gold-clad ponies milling around your bunker

                                            >fearing for your freedom, guns and snacks, you put some defenses in place

                                            >so far none have made it through

                                            >you return to your new home, leaving the guard to hang in there and meditate on the meaning of "KEEP OUT!" signs you posted around your little hidey hole

                                            >her comrades will pick her up in a day or so, not like anything can even hurt those things, not seriously

                                            >a sprain, nasty bruise, that sort of thing

                                            >you swear, you once saw pony walk away from having an anvil dropped on her, shit's wild

                                            >you checked the anvil, of course, and it was no plastic replica shit, no psyop, just a regular heavy-ass anvil and those crazy cunts just dropped it on someone

                                            >it was just an accident, but still, you don't want to be anywhere near when they accidentally drop another, god knows with your luck you won't die right away


                                            >which brings you back to present

                                            >and presently you're running a bit low on some chemicals, especially now that you have to replace a landmine

                                            >you smile to yourself, because even though it's not a good thing, it gives you an excuse to visit that weird zebra that you share this forest with

                                            >she stumbled upon you when you went out to get some water one day, nearly scaring the willies out of you

                                            >later, though, she apologized and helped you with your blue balls

                                            >it turns out the pretty flower you brushed against was called Poison Joke, though it's effect on people was no fucking joke

                                            >she made you a little suspicious when she asked what were you doing innawoods, but then nodded sagely when you spoke of weekly monster attacks and falling anvils

                                            >plus, if you take out the weird fauna, this is actually a pretty nice place, and take weird fauna out you do, something you let slip to your new friend

                                            >that's when you two made an arrangement, where you barter herbs and whatnot for chemicals with the zeeb

                                            >which works just fine — you get your explosives and gunpowder, she gets the monster parts and stuff from places too dangerous for the nofuns equine


                                            >be guardsmare #357

                                            >just kidding, be Iron Blossom

                                            >be hanging teats over head near your target's current residence

                                            >how do you know it's target's residence?

                                            >well, the thing that blasted you into the sky and reduced your gear to bit-sized pieces is a dead giveaway

                                            >all you knew is that his name is Anon and he's got some dangerous stuff that princesses want to place under a lock and key so it won't hurt anypony

                                            >in retrospect, you should've expected something like this, but then again, who in their right mind surrounds their house with bucking explosives?!

                                            >Equestria's only hyo-mane, that's who

                                            >you count your blessings there's only one of them around, you dare not think what havoc a whole gaggle of them could unleash

                                            >if you didn't think this fruitcake is going to hurt somepony with his stuff, you do now

                                            >that said, you are not a violent mare, you would very much prefer this went on in a civil manner

                                            >you'd knock and politely ask to turn over the weapons, no muss, no fuss

                                            >that is, if you had made it to the door in the first place

                                            >…

                                            >you hope your squad finds you soon

                                            >the adrenaline from being blown sky-high, then falling to your death, and then ending up in a tangle of branches is receding

                                            >hanging upside down without being able to move is getting old pretty fast


                                            >suddenly, you feel the branches that have you in a vice-like grip move

                                            >oh yes please, Please, PLEASE for the love of Celestia snap and return this pony her freedom of movement!

                                            >but, sadly, your prayers have been ignored, because now there's a bunch of squirrels sitting on you like some giant warm angry pillow

                                            >…sometimes you hate-

                                            >Luna's teats, no, you don't want nuts

                                            >those squirrels seem to be used to guards stuck in trees here and are offering to share their latest bounty with you

                                            >your attempts to tell them to instead help you untangle yourself from that tree only made them confused

                                            >and while they look cute turning their little heads to the side all at once, you're no closer to getting out of your predicament

                                            >finally, after two hours of trying to your hoof, you managed to snap a few smaller branches

                                            >unfortunately, the weight redistribution have caused a chain reaction, culminating in you faceplanting into the ground

                                            >…sometimes you hate your job, but at least now you're free