Competition (RGRE, shitpost)


                                            I would like to ask forgiveness from the ghost of Robert E. Howard for using one of his minor creations in a small horse greentext. I read "The Valley of the Worm" at a formative age and old Satha stuck with me. Please don't punch me or haunt me, Bob. You're my favorite author.


                                            I will admit that Twilight's a bit out of character here. Put it down to the hormones.


                                            "Well, Twilight, as I see it, we have two options to settle our rivalry for Moondancer's hoof."

                                            >If you still had knuckles, you'd crack them.

                                            >Unfortunately, when a cosmic space wedgie pulled you through dimensions and dropped you into Equestria, it turned you into a FUCKING SMALL HORSE.

                                            >Being able to fly and use magic is nice, but you've been doing a lot of screaming, drinking, and beating the crap out of punching bags to deal with your psychological trauma.

                                            >You have pale yellow eyes with slit pupils, silky white fur, a jet-black mane and tail, and a dick that's as oversized by pony standards as your original equipment was by human standards.

                                            >Kind of a relief there. There's more of your identity than you'd like to admit tied up in having an above-average cock.

                                            >You also have a set of fangs that'd look more appropriate on a sabertoothed cat, an obscenely long tongue, a set of bat wings, and a jagged white horn jutting from your forehead.

                                            >Whatever force brought you here and warped your flesh and bone apparently has the taste of a teenaged goth.

                                            >So do you, but even you think your new form is a little too edgy.

                                            >The only thing you have left of your humanity is your stamina, and the fact that your magic field tends to manifest as illusionary or telekinetic constructs.

                                            >So you summon up a pair of phantom hands and crack THEIR knuckles.

                                            >Then you give the pudgy purple princess your best manic grin.

                                            >The finger-length canine teeth help.

                                            "We can fight to the death, or we can engage in intellectual debate about which of us is better for her. Normally, I wouldn't propose the latter option, but I'm not dealing with human females -- or stallions -- at the moment."

                                            >Pudgelight Sparkle glares at you. "I can always have you imprisoned for lese-majeste. A resident alien challenging a princess to a duel to the death? Any judge in the land would give you life in prison without blinking."

                                            "Yeah, that'll endear you to the public. I can see the headlines now. 'Princess with a stallion's equipment acts like an actual stallion -- can she be trusted to hold power?'"

                                            >Twilight grits her teeth and her ears flatten out. "Fine."

                                            "Good. Moonie, you're the wooed party here. Which method of choosing a suitor would you prefer?"

                                            >This is, admittedly, a test. If she picks the duel...well, then she isn't the mare you think she is, and you'll have to find another marefriend.

                                            >You really hope she passes the test. There are plenty of other mares, but Moonie's been wonderful so far.

                                            >"Debate! I don't want to see either of you die!" The beautiful little unicorn's purple eyes are wide.

                                            >Inwardly, you breath a sigh of relief. Outwardly...

                                            "Works for me. Since you're judging between us, would you like some time to marshal your thoughts and concretely define what you want in a partner?"

                                            >Moondancer looks nervously back and forth between the two of you. "Give me two hours."

                                            >You spend the next two hours composing your arguments -- and trying to seem outwardly confident.

                                            >In five months of going from "acquaintances" to "friends" to "dating" with Moonie -- and another month of this asinine rivalry where Twilight came back into her life and promptly tried to steal her away from you -- you have a pretty good idea of what she values in a partner.

                                            >Still, in a crisis like this, it's hard to be 100% confident.

                                            >When time's finally up, you're sweating bullets.

                                            >"Anon, why don't you go first?"

                                            >You gulp, marshal your arguments, and cross your mental fingers.

                                            "Honey, I'll outright admit that I'm not as intelligent as Twilight is. Nor do I have her aptitude for magic and the hard sciences."

                                            "But you should know from personal experience that I'm still smart enough to hold my own when we talk about history and economics. Also, I'm getting better at magic every day. Lastly, I may not be much for pottery, but I enjoy metalworking, and that's a skilled artistic trade, so we can work on our hobbies together."

                                            "Also, I actually have time for you. Twiggles has her royal duties, her friendship quests, and a bunch of other friends. I don't have shit besides a shack at the base of the mountain and my own private library. I have plenty of time, and you're worth spending it on -- and I don't say that about a lot of ponies. Or any ponies besides you, really."

                                            "But most importantly...aw, fuck it, I'll say it and hope it doesn't scare you off. I love you, Moondancer. The short time that I've known you has been the best six months of my life."

                                            "As for my flaws...well, everypony has flaws. You've long since seen mine. I drink too much, my temper's not that great at times, and I'm easily distracted."

                                            "One final point -- if I can bring bedroom matters into this, my manhood --"

                                            >"Stallionhood."

                                            "Dear, I'm going to do that thing where I talk like I'm still a human. Sex talk is awkward enough without trying to correct for equine verbiage."

                                            >You pat Moonie's head with one hoof, while she grumbles something about "linguistic inaccuracy."

                                            "Anyway, my manhood is somewhat more natural than Twilight's. The doctors checked me out and said that any children we have --"

                                            >Moondancer does a spit-take, spraying tea across the table, and you have to pound her on the back a few times to get it all out.

                                            >"Y-you want to have foals with me?!"

                                            "Not for a few years, but eventually, yeah. No babies out of wedlock, and I think that couples should live together for at least two years before marriage to make sure that they can get along. Anyway, any children we have together will be free from weird magical birth defects. Can Twilight say the same?"

                                            >You pause.

                                            "Actually, Twilight, how DID you end up with a giant futa dick, anyway? From what I hear, none of the other Princesses have one, so it's not a side effect of becoming an alicorn or anything."

                                            >"I blame Starswirl. His spell was originally designed for a stallion, and when I finished it, it had some side effects that weren't even hinted at in the text."

                                            >You wince.

                                            "Well, that's awful."

                                            >"Ugh, I know. It's attacking my maresculinity on the deepest level. Still, there is something primally satisfying about sinking into a mare, hearing her groan as you split her, feeling her cervix give way underneath you..."

                                            >The table you're sitting at jolts and rattles a little at a sudden impact from underneath.

                                            >Hold the fuck up.

                                            "Wait, so you've been sleeping around while you've been trying to coax Moondancer into breaking up with me -- for YOU?! Why, you shit-eating fucking cunt!"

                                            >You vault out of your chair and use telekinesis to yank Moonie behind you. You paw the ground -- those irritating horse instincts again -- even as your lips skin back from your teeth. Your magical field flares in a burst of sickly yellow light, operating on an instinctual level, rather than the conscious control that Moondancer's been teaching you.

                                            >Horrific beasts from the shadows of deep time and imagination coalesce from the light, flanking your purple prey.

                                            >A terror bird stalks towards Twilight, wicked hooked claws ticking against the cobblestones. Its nightmarish shearing beak opens wide, ready to tear out a chunk of purple pony flesh.

                                            >Twilight yelps and blasts the construct apart with a bolt of magical light, then freezes, her pupils shrinking to pinpricks as the OTHER construct you'd conjured wraps her in shimmering coils from behind.

                                            "I'd expected better of you, Twilight. Say hello to Satha. 'The Egyptians abhorred him under the name of Set, the Old Serpent, while to the Semites he became Leviathan and Satan. He was terrible enough to be a god, for he was a crawling death.'"

                                            >The great serpent's eighty-foot length is six feet wide, and the head that now turns to face Twilight is as large as her entire body. Eyes as big as a man's fist stare into Sparkle's own purple orbs, and the monstrous jaws gape open, revealing fangs a foot long.

                                            "But don't worry too much about old Satha, Twilight. Worry about ME."

                                            >An array of swords, axes, and daggers appear in the air around you as you lower your head and stalk forward.

                                            >You're going to rip this purple bitch open and eat her heart while she's still alive and struggling, consequences be damned.

                                            >Moonie grabs your tail with a hoof and yanks. Hard.

                                            >"Anon, you're scaring ponies. You're scaring ME. And Twilight's terrified of snakes. Please, stop."

                                            >You blink and shake your head.

                                            >The anger doesn't go away entirely, but Moonie's fear -- fear of YOU -- slaps it down hard.

                                            >"All right, my love. Since it's you asking."

                                            >With some degree of effort, you flex your mental "muscles" and force your magical field into quiescence again. Blades and serpent alike both dissolve into nothingness.

                                            >All around you, the townsponies are staring in horror.

                                            >Whoops.

                                            "Ah -- heh, sorry, folks. I was kind of acting on instinct there. I apologize for...all that."

                                            >It doesn't work. The locals leave in a hurry.

                                            >Dammit. Why do you suspect that there's a friendship report in your future?

                                            "Twilight, I'd like to apologize for unknowingly hitting you with your greatest fear. I think I might also have overreacted a little. I'm not apologizing for being angry at you, but I think I took it a bit far."

                                            >You take another sip of your tea.

                                            >Twilight seems to be waiting for something.

                                            "Well, that's my side of the debate, Twiggles. Your turn."

                                            >"THAT'S ALL THE APOLOGY YOU'RE GOING TO MAKE?!"

                                            "Pretty much. I can be an asshole and overly aggressive sometimes, Twilight, but you're in the wrong here, way more than I am."

                                            >Twilight starts to say something, but Moondancer cuts her off.

                                            >"He's right. Twilight, I still want to be friends, but as far as romantic partners go, I choose Anon. I don't need to hear your side of the debate."

                                            >You utter a great sigh of relief.

                                            >Twilight sputters incoherently for a solid minute before finding words to express herself. "Moondancer! You can't possibly mean to keep dating him after that display! A substantial percentage of domestic abuse is stallion-on-mare violence! If his temper can flare up that quickly, he's liable to beat you -- or worse!"

                                            >"I've seen him lose his temper at me before, Twilight. We were arguing about economics and things got a little too heated. You know what he did? He went over to his home gym and worked out until he was calm enough for us to resume having a reasonable discussion. He also hasn't been sleeping with anypony behind my back."

                                            "It's been a struggle, but Moonie's worth a bit of unwilling celibacy until she decides to give it up."

                                            >Twilight facehoofs. "Moondancer, you don't know what it's like. It's practically got a mind of its own."

                                            "Yeah, if you're like sixteen. Aren't you an adult, Twilight?"

                                            >Twiggles sputters frantically, then throws up her hooves and vanishes in a flare of purple light.

                                            >You hear a faint scream of rage as she teleports out, but Twilight isn't really your concern at the moment.

                                            "You okay, Moonie? I know none of us are good at emotional stuff."

                                            >"I'm upset that Twilight was acting like the same sort of stallion-whorse that we both used to complain about...but I'm not heartbroken or anything. That was more emotion than I've ever seen you show. And I...I love you too!"

                                            >You know what to do at this point.

                                            >You kiss her. Hard.

                                            >She moans and yields beneath you, letting your tongue fill her mouth and wrestle with hers.

                                            >Your hooves slide around her back.

                                            >"AHEM. This is a cafe, not a no-tell motel. Please refrain from such lewd displays in public."

                                            >You turn a baleful eye on the barista, who blanches, but doesn't give ground.

                                            "Fine."

                                            >You toss enough bits at the barista to settle the bill and turn back to your marefriend.

                                            "Moonie, I know you're kind of old-fashioned, and I've been trying to respect that, rather than shamelessly throwing myself at you. That said...would it be too terribly slutty of me if I invited you back to my place now?"

                                            >Moondancer blushes and shakes her head. "You were willing to risk a fatal duel for my hoof and your first instinct when you were angry was to put yourself between me and the threat. I feel like a real-life version of one of those Neighponese mangas where a meek shy salarymare gets wooed by a savage monster-colt..."

                                            >You run your foot-long tongue over your saber teeth.

                                            "Yeah, sounds about right. So, my scrumptious little nerd, let your barbarian lover drag you off and ravage you..."

                                            >You stretch your magical field out and lift Moonie up in it.

                                            >She giggles and squeals as you carry her towards your house.


                                            >Later...

                                            >Moondancer is sprawled by your side on your king-sized bed, a silly grin on her sleeping face.

                                            >You suspect that you're wearing an equally silly grin.

                                            >The fur around your muzzle and mane is soaked with Moonie's marecum. So is the thinner fur on her inner thighs. Some of your seed spilled out of her trench and is crusted around it.

                                            >You should probably wake her up so that you can both shower, but you're tired too. You two spent the last several hours draining each other dry.

                                            >You have to say, magic has its uses. Such as being able to squeeze a mare's fat teats, squeeze her ass, stroke her nipples, and play with her clit all at the same time, while you've got your tongue or your dick buried in her pussy.

                                            >You'd still rather be human again, though.

                                            >Moonie whimpers a little in her sleep and snuggles more tightly against you.

                                            >Yeah, you'll shower in the morning. And if you can't get all of the musk out, so what? You just consummated your relationship with the most attractive mare in Canterlot. Might as well show it off.

                                            >You roll over, drape a leg and a wing over Moondancer, and pass out within seconds.


                                            ***


                                            >Be Twilight.

                                            >Ooooh, that bucking monkey!

                                            >Ex-monkey.

                                            >Ape.

                                            >Ex-ape.

                                            >Sex ape.

                                            >Whatever.

                                            >You wanted to broaden Moondancer's mind (among other things) and demonstrate the magic of friendship with benefits!

                                            >Fine. You'll just go with your usual standby.

                                            "Trixie, may I see you in my chambers for a moment?"

                                            >The subsequent frenzied plowing of the Great and Powerful Ass cracked the floor, broke your bed, and gave Spike one more reason to drink.

                                            >When the haze of rage and thwarted lust subsided -- and you pulled out -- you realize that you might have gone a little too far.

                                            >You fucked her retarded.

                                            >Literally, not just figuratively like she was before.

                                            "Shit."

                                            >Trixie just drools and makes babbling, incoherent noises.

                                            >And you're still horny.

                                            >But you can't fuck Trixie again. She can't consent now.

                                            >Also, she might actually die.

                                            >You try to think of someone you can fuck without causing drama or scandal.

                                            >You're coming up blank.

                                            >Fucking any of your subjects besides Trixie would cause more problems than it solved.

                                            >Well, except Cheerilee, but she's too far along with your foal at this point.

                                            >Non-ponies are icky, so that's out.

                                            >What, do you have to go all the way to the Crystal Empire just to get laid now?

                                            >Then the idea hits you.

                                            >You moved the mirror portal from the Crystal Empire to your castle.

                                            >You have a whole world of pussy within hoof's reach, and all you have to do is send a few messages.

                                            "Sunset. Who do you know that desperately needs to get laid and doesn't mind being a little dykey?"

                                            >The answer comes back within seconds.

                                            >"Rainbow Dash."

                                            >No. Just, no.

                                            >Dash is a great friend (despite the smell), but having sex with her? EWWWWWWW...

                                            >Wait, this one has access to indoor plumbing.

                                            >You scribble back a quick response.

                                            "Is her cunt as crusty as her Equestrian counterpart's?"

                                            >"Don't know. Never seen it. But she showers regularly, so...probably not?"

                                            "Good enough. See if she wants some princess dick."

                                            >Rainbow's through the mirror and inside your castle in under an hour.

                                            >And you're inside her in ten seconds flat.

                                            >You were half-expecting a crackling sound when you slid into her, but unlike your Rainbow -- who can cause impromptu snowstorms if she flies with her legs open -- this one's tight pussy is pleasantly crust-free.

                                            >Now if only you could do something about her damn mouth...


                                            >Be Spike, the tired and annoyed.

                                            >You can hear Rainbow II's screams of pleasure from your room on the other side of the castle.

                                            >"Holy fuck, you're splitting me in half! More! More!"

                                            >You put in some earplugs.

                                            >"My stomach! You're in my stomach!"

                                            >You put in another set of earplugs and drag your pillow over your head.

                                            >"AAAAAAAHHH! Keep going, Mistress Twilight!"

                                            >Nope. Not working. It's dragon firewhiskey time.

                                            >Ember slipped you a couple of bottles last time she was here. You really must send her a second thank-you note.

                                            >"Oh, God! I'm a slave to your cock!"

                                            >You don't think you're going to bother with a glass.

                                            >You hear an irritatingly loud whinny from Twilight, followed by yet another scream from the Fastest Mouth In Equestria.

                                            >"YEEEEESSSS! Cum inside me! Give me your fucking babies!"

                                            >Yup. Straight from the bottle.


                                            >Be Nurse Redheart, some time later.

                                            >In your years at Canterlot High, you've seen more teenagers giving birth than you'd like, but this is a new one on you.

                                            >Ms. Dash's water broke in class and she pushed out a child that's a horse from the waist down.

                                            >It also has a unicorn horn and giant wings for some reason.

                                            >You think you'll kill your half-full bottle of Four Roses when you get home tonight...