How to woo Maud. (RGRE, shitpost)


                                            >You are Anon, currently on a dinner date with Pinkie Pie's sister Maud.

                                            >You see that Pinkie got the personality genes in the family.

                                            >That's fine. Plenty of people have told you that you're also utterly lacking in charisma. Assuming that Maud isn't a hypocrite, you might actually have a shot with her.

                                            >Over the course of your meal -- shrimp alfredo for you, and a fancy salad for Maud -- she's been talking to you about rocks, her Rocktorate, and some more about rocks.

                                            "Hmm. Do you have any interest in other cultures' beliefs about rocks, and their implementation of them?"

                                            >"Yes. That is not as interesting as the physical properties of rocks, but it is related to rocks. Therefore, I am interested by default.

                                            "Cool. When I was younger, I wanted to be an archeologist. If you like, I can rack my brain and see what I can recall about various human cultures' beliefs and uses of various rocks and gems. Though I might have to schedule a second date where we dig through my library. Most of what's springing to mind right now is about jade, obsidian, and various greenstones."

                                            >"That would be --" She licks her lips. "-very nice."


                                            >Be Pinkie Pie, surreptitiously watching from another table with Twilight.

                                            >You're so happy!

                                            "Isn't it great, Twilight? Maud and Anon are getting along like two peas in a pod!"

                                            >Twilight, being Twilight, is frantically scribbling down notes as Anon and Maud talk. "Pinkie, how can you tell? He's almost as monotone and expressionless as she is!"

                                            >"In Neolithic Europe, jade versions of axeheads and stone tools seem to have been used as ceremonial or display items..."

                                            "Silly Twily, if I can read Maud, I can read him!"

                                            >"I'll take your word for it. I thought some of the lecturers at CSGU were dry...it's fascinating, but dear Faust, he cannot vary his tone to save his life, can he?"


                                            >Be Maud Pie.

                                            >This is the only stallion you have ever found with any interest in rocks.

                                            >You really wish you weren't in estrus right now. You fear that you will embarrass yourself. You are extremely grateful that you're sitting upright at a table, and that the combined efforts of the tablecloth and your frock are concealing your flagging tail and leaking loins.

                                            >"In addition to jadeite, nephrite, and more common greenstones, Mesoamerican cultures also favored the use of obsidian, primarily in weaponry..."

                                            >Fortunately, Anon is wearing boots, so he doesn't notice the growing puddle of marecum underneath the table.

                                            >You need Anon's penis inside of you.

                                            >You should recite the names of rocks to calm yourself.

                                            >Basanite

                                            >Boninite

                                            >Kimberlite

                                            >"In China, jadeite and nephrite were heavily associated with the nobility. In the earliest periods of China's history, some kings, members of the royal bloodline, and nobility were buried in a sort of suit-shaped coffin, made from hundreds of plates of jade sewn together with fine wire made from precious metals, or occasionally -- for the lower ranks of the nobility -- just with silk thread..."

                                            >You REALLY need Anon's penis inside of you.

                                            >Lamproite

                                            >Pumice

                                            >Flint.

                                            >"In the Mediterranean and Europe, some stones -- mostly gemstones, but not always -- were thought to have magical properties."

                                            ". . . I need Anon's penis inside of me."

                                            >Claystone

                                            >Marl

                                            >Wackestone

                                            >Chrysolite

                                            >"Uh, Maud, did you mean to say that out loud?"

                                            >Oh, schist.

                                            >You can't speak. You can only cover your eyes with your hooves in shame.

                                            >Anon snorts. "I guess that answers that. Still, I'm not going to say no."

                                            >You blink in surprise as Anon picks you up with a grunt of effort, slings you over his shoulder, and carries you off.


                                            >Still be Maud, eight hours later.

                                            >Anon is snoring at your side.

                                            >You are exhausted. You do not exhaust easily, but you are exhausted now.

                                            >You have lost count of how many times you culminated.

                                            >Anon drank up every last drop of squash soup in your body.

                                            >Though you found the spreader bar that he insisted on after your first orgasm mildly insulting.

                                            >You don't think that you could actually crush his skull between your thighs.

                                            >Periodically, Anon had broke off his thirsty guzzling and fingering to fuck you. He culminated four times before he could no longer do so.

                                            >Your cervix is pleasantly sore.

                                            >The back wall of your womb is also pleasantly sore, and your womb itself is no longer burning with the flames of estrus. Instead it is practically sloshing with Anonymous's seed.

                                            >If Anonymous was a pony, you would be worried about pregnancy.

                                            >Fortunately, you doubt that an alien ape and a pony can conceive without magic.


                                            >Eleven months later...

                                            >Looking down at the human boy (Flint) and the satyr filly (Corundum) nursing from your teats, you have never been happier to be wrong in your life.

                                            >Though you could have done without having to deliver two boys, two fillies, and a pair of satyrs (one colt, one filly) at once.

                                            >Even with anesthetic, it was unpleasant.

                                            >Though it was nice of Anonymous to hire a doctor to come all the way out to your family's rock farm to help with the delivery.

                                            >Apparently, Anonymous has quite a bit of money.

                                            >He also used his funds to hire a dozen more workers for the farm on an annual basis, so that Limestone, Marble, and your parents could all relax and work on self-improvement.

                                            >You would have called Limestone's reaction to that news 'rape,' if you hadn't been there encouraging her.

                                            >Limestone, currently six months into her own pregnancy, has begun lactating, and your two fillies (Jadeite and Nephrite) are taking advantage of it.

                                            >Anonymous also stepped up and hired a wet nurse -- aptly named "Milky Way" after the bat-pony ultrasound scan revealed exactly how pregnant you were.

                                            >Agate (boy) and Diamond (satyr colt) are currently busy over there.

                                            >Anon is watching the whole scene, his face still fixed in the ridiculously large grin that he wears whenever you all have a peaceful moment like this.

                                            >Life is good.