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the phone sex trade

By kqaii
Created: 2022-01-07 08:37:57
Updated: 2022-07-28 07:20:29
Expiry: Never
anontrixiecomedyarchivemane 6

  1. original post:
  2. https://desuarchive.org/mlp/thread/17208584/
  3. https://desuarchive.org/mlp/thread/17219288/
  4. This story was capped,here is the original with images:
  5. https://desu-usergeneratedcontent.xyz/mlp/image/1397/18/1397187614871.jpg
  6. Original authors are Anons in the thread.
  7.  
  8. ----
  9. prompt:
  10. The phone sex trade is now a booming hobby in Equesria. And you are stuck as Anon in the middle of it just wanting peace and quiet. How does pony handle phone lovings?
  11.  
  12. >
  13. Twilight: Super awkward and just mumbles the whole time
  14.  
  15. Fluttershy: Lets her freak flag and wants all kinds of lewd things. Even wants to kiss.
  16.  
  17. Rarity: is hardcore into BDSM and wants to tie you up.
  18.  
  19. Pinkie: is hardcore into food play and you often hear the sound of whipped cream over the phone.
  20.  
  21. AJ doesn't have a phone so just leers at you from the window while clopping.
  22.  
  23. Dash: I am not sure on that one.
  24.  
  25. Cadence: Just wants to be told "I love you over and over."
  26.  
  27. Scootaloo: How the fuck did she get this number?
  28.  
  29. Berry: Just drunk dials you and cries.
  30. >
  31. ------
  32.  
  33.  
  34.  
  35. [Luna]
  36. >Another night of drinking and playing chess by yourself...
  37. >Pone world ain't so bad beyond the constant lusty looks the mares give you.
  38. >Annnnnd there goes your happy thoughts as the phone rings.
  39. Hello?
  40. >"I AM ATTEMPTING AN ANONYMOUS PHONE CALL MY SUBJECT FOR I AM IN THE MOOD FOR LOVE BUT CANNOT LEAVE MY POST AT NIGHT. NOW PLEASE DESCRIBE YOUR ASS IN GREAT DETAIL TO ME."
  41. ...
  42. >"A BIT SHY I TAKE IT? IT IS OK YOUR BREATHING IS ENOUGH TO GET ME GOING."
  43. ...
  44. >"I WANT TO SHOVE MY MUZZLE BETWEEN YOUR REAR END AND JUST INHALE YOUR GLORIOUS SCENT, SUBJECT."
  45. ...
  46. >"I BET YOU GIVE WONDERFUL MASSAGES ANON, MY RUMP IS JUST ACHING. AND IF YOUR FINGER SLIPS INSIDE I WOULD NOT-"
  47. Luna please...
  48. >"I...I DO NOT KNOW OF THIS LUNA. THOUGH I BET SHE IS EXTREMELY SEXY AND WORTHY OF YOUR LOVE."
  49. ...
  50. >"HUZZAH I HAVE ORGASMED TWICE. THE PRINCESS OF THE NI-I MEAN THIS ANONYMOUS PONY THANKS YOU, SUBJECT."
  51. >You hear the line go dead and just fall back into your chair.
  52. Fucking ponies...
  53.  
  54. ----
  55.  
  56. >Phone rings.
  57. "Hello, you've reached Anonymous Pleasure. What can I do for you?"
  58. >"GOOD EVENING, HUMAN! I WOULD LIKE TO DISCUSS THE COPULATIVE ENCOUNTERS PLEASE."
  59. "I'm sorry, what?"
  60. >"YOU KNOW, SEX-MAKING."
  61. "Uhh... right... of course. Could I start by asking that you lower your voice please?"
  62. >"YOU DO NOT MAKE DEMANDS OF YOUR PRIN- ahem... Right, of course... Excuse us."
  63. "Us? Is this a three-way?"
  64. >"UHH, NO, I UHH- There is only I- Only me, that is."
  65. >You hear a nervous laugh.
  66. "Okay... What do you want to talk abou-"
  67. >"HOW ABOUT WHEN YOU WENT TO SCHOOL NAKED?"
  68. "When I wha-"
  69. >"OR WHEN ALL YOUR TEETH FELL OUT?"
  70. "What are you talking about?! I still have all my-"
  71. >"OR WHAT ABOUT WHEN YOU WERE TRAPPED ON THAT SPACE STATION WHEN ZOMBIES WERE ATTACKING?"
  72. >There's a long silence.
  73. "Princess Luna, have you been watching me in my dreams?"
  74. >"..."
  75. "..."
  76. >"I m... ..ve."
  77. "What was that?"
  78. >"THANK YOU FOR HELPING ME REACH SEXUAL CLIMAX. GOOD NIGHT."
  79. >The phone goes dead and another one starts ringing.
  80. >Or maybe that's just the tinnitus...
  81.  
  82. ----
  83.  
  84. >BRRRRING
  85. >Phooooone
  86. >Yep yep yep yep yep yep yep yep yep yep
  87. >BRRRRING
  88. Hello, this is Anonymous's anonymous phone sex hotline, how may-
  89. >"SILENCE FOAL! WE SHALL DICTATE WHEN YOU WILL SPEAK TO THINE RULER OF THE NIGHT!"
  90. >Your company really needs a 'no shouting' policy.
  91. Excuse me, ma'am, but are you sure you have the right number?
  92. >"WE ARE WELL AWARE OF YOUR ORGANIZATION'S PURPOSE, PEASANT! SERVICE US NOW, LEST YE BE SMITTEN FOR YOUR INSOLENCE!"
  93. >Why is it always the crazy ones?
  94. >What happened to good old-fashioned diapers, vore, and necrophilia?
  95. W-what do you-
  96. >You hear a breathy whimper.
  97. >"Profess your hatred for the sun."
  98. >You massage your brow with a free hand and take a deep breath.
  99. >Here goes nothing.
  100. I um, hate getting my back sunburned all the time, a-and I hate that I need sunblock.
  101. >"We demand that you continue!"
  102. >You rub the back of your neck as think of ways to not praise the sun.
  103. I hate uhhh... the glare on my TV screen whenever I'm trying to watch a movie with dark scenes in it.
  104. >You hear what sounds like hammer hitting sheet metal on the other end of the call.
  105. >You look out your window to see the wind picking up.
  106. >"Yessss! Feel the rage growing inside you!"
  107. I hate having the light in my eyes whenever I wake up with a hangover!
  108. >She's breathing in violent gasps and whining loudly.
  109. >"OOHHH NNNNFFFFF, YES!"
  110. >Was that thunder?
  111. >its_happening.webm
  112. AND I HATE THAT SHITTY LEVEL IN SUPER MARIO WORLD 3 WHERE THAT STUPID FUCKING SUN CHASES YOU AROUND THE WHOLE GODDAMN TIME!
  113. >"OHHH YES ANON, AAAHHHH-"
  114. >You yank the phone away from your ear as you're assaulted by cacophony of wailing and explosions.
  115. >Lightning streaks outside your window and ponies are panicking.
  116. >A Wilhelm scream rings out as a building collapses.
  117. >Just another Tuesday afternoon in Ponyville.
  118.  
  119. >The weather clears.
  120. >Your caller is breathing raggedly.
  121. Ma'am... Are you okay?
  122. >"Yes, very much so. We shall see that you are spared in the upcoming apocalypse, subject."
  123. Fucking deposed moon goddesses.
  124.  
  125.  
  126.  
  127. [Lyra]
  128. Welcome to fun n' sexy phonelines.... our motto stands, we are sexy, we ar-
  129. >DESCRIBE YOUR HANDS
  130. .....W-what do y-
  131. >WHAT DO YOUR HANDS LOOK LIKE
  132. Well.... they... uhhh
  133. >TELL ME
  134. T-they have fingers?
  135. >OHHH YES
  136. >T-Tell me more about these... fingers... what can you do with them?
  137. I can uhhh... open doors?
  138. >What? We all can, how is that special?
  139. Well....I can use handles?
  140. >YEEEES YOU CAN CAN'T YOU?
  141. You here loud panting and lots of wet thrusting sounds
  142. >M-more... what would you do with your hands to me?
  143. I would.... touch you?
  144. >Guhguhguhguh
  145. Louder panting is heard
  146. >YEAH!.... y-yeah, you like that don't you?
  147. ....Yeah i sure do
  148. >MAKE NOISES WITH YOUR HANDS
  149. What kind of noises?
  150. >ANY KIND. NOW.
  151. You begin clapping
  152. >YESYESYESYESYESOHMYGODYESS
  153. A brief moment of loud shouts quickly shortens into light panting
  154. >T-thank you mister human.....
  155. The phone hangs up
  156. Fucking horny ponies.
  157.  
  158. [BonBon]
  159. >Another night at the call centre.
  160. >If you knew you would be doing this for a living, you would have never drunk that magic bleach.
  161. >The phone rings.
  162. >You sigh and pick up the phone.
  163.  
  164. "Hello, thanks for calling..."
  165. >"Hi Anon. Look its BonBon, I've just received my phone bill."
  166. "Oh,"
  167. >"Has Lyra been using this.." She lets out a slight cough. "Service?"
  168. "Sorry BonBon I can't give you any answer due to client confidentiality."
  169. >"Oh ok, no worries I guess."
  170. > A moment of silence breaks out.
  171. > "So... Anon what you doing to yourself"
  172.  
  173. >Just here. Spending the night, you know work.
  174. >So is it hard... th-the job I mean
  175. It's alright. Can get a bit strange having to deal with fetishes all the time but hey, part of the job. Can't always mooch of you and Lyra in the apartment. Beggars can't be choosers.
  176. >Must be difficult, I assume. So how exactly do you deal with fetishes, if you don't mind me asking? And thanks for being mature in our conversation.
  177. No problem at all. And to answer your question... truth be told, it's mostly the ponies that lead the conversation. I just try my best to follow along, even if I usually can't.
  178. >So you basically let the others lead, that's pretty lame, Anon.
  179. Hey, I try to pull up my weight. I do things like add a little moan or change my voice a bit to-
  180. >Hold up! You... you c-can change your voice?
  181. Well not completely change, just change a pitch or something, you know how it is. Wanna hear one?
  182. >O-oh my... U-ummm... yes please...
  183. Ahem...#This is my Batman voice. I am the night.#
  184. >Who's Ba- nevermind... Th-that's really... c-can you do more?...haaa....
  185. &Eeehh, what's up doc?&
  186. >...k-keep going...
  187. @Deedee! Get out of my laboratory!@
  188. >...don't stop... haa...
  189. $GIR! Prepare the spaceship!$
  190. >...mmm...
  191. Bonbon you alri-
  192. >...please... go on... haa...
  193. *I just don't know what went wrong...*
  194. >...haaa...
  195. ^Hoo! Hah! Hey, pretty lady, wanna do the monkey with me?^
  196. >HRRNNNNNNNNGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG!!!!
  197. Bonbon what the hell!? Were you getting off to this!?
  198. >S-sorry, Anon... haaa... haaa... can't... resist... haaa
  199. ...
  200. >...
  201. ...
  202. >...Umm. Th-this is awkward... Umm. I-I'll see you at home, alright...?
  203. Y-yeah. L-later... Bonbon...
  204. >...ugh...I really enjoyed it...Th-thank you...
  205. S-sure... no prob.
  206. -click-
  207.  
  208. ----
  209.  
  210. *Ring ring*
  211. >You tiredly pick up the phone and hold it to your head.
  212. "Hello, I am A.N. Morse, and welcome to The Randy Ranchline, where we..."
  213. >You glance at today's tagline. No way are you saying that.
  214. >"Hey Anon, just me."
  215. >You'd recognise Bonbon's voice anywhere.
  216. >"Just wondering if you know where I left my keys, can't find them."
  217. "Well, where'd you leave them last?"
  218. >"Yeah, like that's much use with you and Lyra living here. I put anything down for five seconds and they've moved, so- oh. Alright, nevermind."
  219. >You smirk to yourself.
  220. "That all?"
  221. >"Uh, well, while I've got you, I've been in kind of a mood all day, and uh..."
  222. >Here we go.
  223. >"C-can you do a, well, voice, for me?"
  224. >You shrug. Why not.
  225. "What kind of voice?"
  226. >"Something kind of, uh, low, and a little gruff but really gentle? Like, manly but gentlemanly, you know?"
  227. >You muse for a moment, before opening your mouth and quoting an old memory.
  228. "Helloo, Scott Manley here."
  229. >Bonbon breathes in sharply.
  230. "Today I'm going t' demonstrate how to-"
  231. >"Gruffer!"
  232. "What?
  233. >"You're being too soft, be gruffer!"
  234. >You wrack your brains for something.
  235. "An' things ha' come to a pretty pass, ye ken, if people are going to leave stuff like that aroound where innocent people could accidentally smash the door down-"
  236. >Bonbon whimpers.
  237. "- and lever the bars aside-"
  238. >You can hear what sound like a wet sponge softly slapping against a rock. Lewd.
  239. "- and take the big chain off'f the cupboard-"
  240. >She moans softly.
  241. "and pick the lock and drink it!"
  242. >"Complain!" She urges you, "Complain about something!"
  243. "Excoose me barmaid, I b'leive ye've bought me the wrong offspring!"
  244. >Horse masturbation intensifies.
  245. "I order'd a large boy wit' beefy arms, extra guts an' glory on the side!"
  246. >"Do an insult!" she yells.
  247. "This heere, this is a talking fishbone!"
  248. >"Be angry!" she shouts amid the sound of furious grinding, "Really angry!"
  249. >You grin to yourself, and bellow.
  250.  
  251. "MY SWAMP!"
  252. >Bonbon grunts.
  253. "ME!"
  254. >She whimpers.
  255. "NOOBODY ELSE!"
  256. >"Call me a bad pony!" she moans, a brief pause in the lewd noises.
  257. "Especially not USELESS!"
  258. >You hear a particularly heavy impact of fleshy bits and what sounds like wood hitting a wall, hard.
  259. >The hell is she doing?
  260. "PATHETIC!"
  261. >She moans loudly, accompanied by heavy banging.
  262. "ANNOYING!"
  263. >"Anon! I'm-"
  264. "TALKING DONKEYS!"
  265. >"UHHHHhhhhhhhhh~" Bonbon moans throatily with a final, wooden wallop.
  266. >There's a moment of silence, save for the dripping from here end of something you're pretty sure you could identify at a guess.
  267. >"Thanks Anon, Mmmf- I really, really needed, Nngh- Oh. Uh..."
  268. >Silence for another moment.
  269. >"H-how soon can you be home?"
  270.  
  271. >You get home soon enough, and are met by a sight and a half.
  272. >Bonbon's living room furniture has the wooden frames exposed, built more like a basket with cushions in than a frame with covering on.
  273. >Notably, the armrests have a rounded end poking about six inches foward from where the legs rise up to them.
  274. >Bonbon, basically, has her rear end mounted on one.
  275. >The cushions still look damp.
  276. >Hell, there's marks in the wallpaper where the sofa was slamming into it.
  277. >You take one look and laugh.
  278. >"Yeah yeah, laugh it up. Like you've never clopped with anything stupid. Now would you help me off of this thing, I can't get a proper grip on the floor when it's wet..."
  279.  
  280.  
  281. [Maud]
  282. Thank you for calling us tonight, how may I be of service to you tonight, baby?
  283. >...
  284. H-hello? Anyone here?
  285. >I like rocks
  286. A-ah, yes. Good to know...?
  287. >Do you like rocks?
  288. Well, I.. ah? I guess.
  289. >That is so hot.
  290. Thank... you?
  291. >What do you like about rocks?
  292. Ahm... I, ah... I like... ugh... the way... they are grey?
  293. >Like a rock?
  294. Ugh yes... Exactly... ?
  295. >I am now touching myself.
  296. That is... good to hear?
  297. >Do you want to know what I'm thinking about?
  298. Uhmm. Is it rocks?
  299. >How did you know?
  300. W-well you know us... we aim to please
  301. >...
  302. ...
  303. >...
  304. ...
  305. >...
  306. ...Maam?
  307. >...
  308. ...
  309. >...
  310. ...
  311. >I came.
  312. Oh! Well tha... ugh, that's ugh-
  313. >Thank you, goodbye.
  314. Ah yes... uhm... goodbye and thank you... to you too...?
  315.  
  316. ---
  317.  
  318. "Thank you for calling the hippophile hotline, where our motto is one horse for twice the love."
  319. >it's silent on the other side.
  320. "Hello...?"
  321. >"Hello."
  322. "H-hey baby. What are you in the mood for?"
  323. >"......rocks."
  324. "Mmm..oh yeah I can..wait. What?"
  325. >more silence, and a little heavy breathing.
  326. >"I want you to pretend to be a rock."
  327. >How in the blue hell do you do that?!
  328. "Uh..I-oh-okay...?"
  329. >You panic.
  330. "I'm a rock."
  331. >"....."
  332. "......."
  333. >"igneous or sediment...?"
  334. "Sediment?"
  335. >".......sediment makes me sentiment."
  336. "O-okay..."
  337. >"............"
  338. "..........."
  339. >"......mnhf."
  340. >She grunts.
  341. >"I culminated. Goodbye."
  342. >the line goes dead. You're not sure how to feel about that one. A rock though?
  343.  
  344. -----
  345.  
  346. >The telephone rings.
  347. >"Hello?" Said the voice in a monotone tone
  348. >"What are you wearing?" you ask in return
  349. >"A shirt. Some socks too. Also a hat." she states plainly
  350. >"What are you thinking about right now?" you ask furiously sweating as if you have a drinking problem.
  351. >"Stuff."
  352. >Your penis is rock hard and longing for the touch of Madame Palme'
  353. >"What are you doing to yourself right now baby?" you groan as your trembling fingers reach for your twitching member.
  354. >"Talking on a phone." she says monotonely.
  355. >"MUHHHHHHHH DIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIICK." you scream out as your cock erupts with the force of 50 hiroshimas.
  356. >"I culminated as well." the voice says boringly, as you breathed heavily over the phone.
  357. >"That'll be $59.99. Goodbye."
  358. >Totally worth the 60 bucks everynight.
  359.  
  360. [Celestia]
  361. Welcome to fun n' sexy phonelines....
  362. >Greeting loy-......phone operator.... human thing
  363. You freeze. Could it really be her?
  364. >I wish to feel pleasured and i want your help in doing so.
  365. Uhhh ok, that's what we're here for....
  366. >Ok then.
  367. Uhhh yeah.
  368. ...
  369. >...
  370. Soooo, what do you want me to do?
  371. >I don't understand, what do you mean?
  372. Well... tell me what you want me to say.... you know... what you like?
  373. >Oh! Well i guess i like having my mane brushed, and my crown polished- I MEAN HAT AND I MEAN CLEANED.
  374. Wha- no when i said things you like i mean... you know, what gets you off? That's what your here for right?
  375. >OH, O-of course! Ahaha, th-that is why i am here.
  376. Ooookay then, so, what is it you want me to do?
  377. >Uhhh c-can you call me pretty?
  378. Of course, you are pretty, absolutely beautiful
  379. >Uhn, yes... compliment me some more... please...
  380. You are not only pretty, you are also smart..
  381. >ohhhh YES! now call me a peasant!
  382. Ok your a- what.
  383. >DO IT
  384. What
  385. >CALL ME A LOWLY FILTHY PEASANT
  386. ....You are a lowly filthy peasant
  387. >YES I AM! SO LOW! I PRACTICALLY LIVE IN MY OWN FILTH DON'T I?
  388. Uhhh are you ok?
  389. >FUCKING TELL ME YOU FUCKING SEXY HUMAN OR YOU'LL END UP IN THE FUCKING DUNGEONS
  390. YOU'RE A FUCKING PEASANT. YOU'RE A FUCKING PEASANT. DIRTY, FILTHY IN YOUR OWN SHIT
  391. >FUCKING DAMN RIGHT I AM YEEESSS Ohhhhhhh.....
  392. .......
  393. >Thank you anonymous phoneperson, i will call back again some time
  394. The phone hangs up
  395. Please don't.....
  396.  
  397. -----
  398.  
  399. >You are Celestia
  400.  
  401. >That hairless monkey quickly pressed charges on you for sexual assault and indecent exposure.
  402. >Your sister didn't help in the matter either.
  403. >Now you greatly regret making the law apply to you also.
  404. >But it was a sure way to win the hearts and minds of the ponies.
  405.  
  406. >As states in pony law the 'victim' or 'prosecutor' chooses the punishment.
  407. >Anon - well being Anon made your punishment to switch jobs with him with some minor adjustments
  408.  
  409. *phone rings*
  410.  
  411. "Hello welcome to rush rut advice, spruce up your sex life"
  412.  
  413. >That bucking monkey is going to pay for this
  414.  
  415. >You feel so..nervous?
  416. >You haven't felt that way in a long time.
  417.  
  418. >"Hello is anyp0ny there?
  419. >The voice at the end of the line snaps you out of your trance.
  420.  
  421. "Oh yes, how can I help you my sub- err miss?"
  422.  
  423. >"Mrs. Anyway my husband isn't taking any notice of me anymore. He's either too interested baking cakes or running the shop - I'm getting desperate...as you can see."
  424.  
  425. >You start to panic as you realize you never gave anyp0ny sex advice before, and well sex itself...ugh.
  426.  
  427. >You swallow the pride you had left >A subject needs your help, even though on a personal matter its in your hooves.
  428.  
  429. "I-I suggest you give him foreplay after the sexual intercourse. - I guess.."
  430.  
  431. > "uh...sorry, foreplay after sex?"
  432.  
  433. "Oh Yeh the stallions love it - I'm the professional here. Just trust me"
  434.  
  435. > You pull a bad poker face even though the caller cant see you.
  436.  
  437. >"err ok thank you?"
  438.  
  439. "ok-thanks-for-calling-bye."
  440. >You slam down the phone.
  441.  
  442.  
  443.  
  444. [AJ]
  445. >AJ doesn't have a phone so just leers at you from the window while clopping.
  446.  
  447. >Apple jack commands you to open the window.
  448. >You comply.
  449. >"Now talk dirty to me, Mister human."
  450. "My name is anonymous."
  451. >"Ah don't care, start talkin."
  452. "I want to run my hands down your length and dig my fingers into your plot."
  453. >Apple jack stares at you in confusion.
  454. >You return the gesture.
  455. >"What in the hay are you talkin about? That ain't sexeh at all. Can I get someone else?"
  456. >You sigh. You don't need this job.
  457. >You reach for the apple sitting on your desk and take a bite.
  458. >The juices run down your cheeks.
  459. >"Mmmmmm, again."
  460. >You return your gaze to apple pony who has taken a new position.
  461. >She sits on her plot, he legs spread and her hoof going to work on her marehood.
  462. >"More Anonymous, more."
  463. >You look to the apple and take another bite.
  464. >Applejacks face turns red as she lets out another moan.
  465. >You look to her and then to the apple.
  466. >You take the apple in both hands and lick the bitten areas with long broad strokes.
  467. >"That's right, just a little more ya sexy monkey, show that apple what's what."
  468. >You take the apple in your mouth, begin to suck the fruity flesh, and for the hell of it you decide to finger the hole where the stem goes.
  469. >"Muh, muh apples."
  470. > A torrent of liquid escapes the apple ponies nether region.
  471. >"Wooo, tarnations that was good."
  472. >"Ah'll be seeing you next week sugar cube."
  473. >Applejack leaves after presenting you a suggestive wink.
  474. >You look to the fruit that you just had your way with.
  475. "Well how do you like them apples?"
  476.  
  477. ----
  478.  
  479. AJ has just installed a new home phone in her barn.
  480.  
  481. "Thanks for calling....Spank The Flank till it goes Blank. How may I help you?"
  482. >Not bad.
  483. >"HELLO?"
  484. "Fuck...Hey applejack. "
  485. >"GRANNY? IS THAT YOU? CAAANN YOUUUU HEAAARRR ME?"
  486. "AJ... This is Anon."
  487. >"WHO?"
  488. "Anon."
  489. >"GRAPPLIN'?"
  490. "Anon."
  491. >"ANGIN? YER TALKIN' NONSENSE GRANNY."
  492. "ITS ANON APPLEJACK. ANONYMOUS. THIS ISNT YOUR GRANNY."
  493. >"OHHHHHHHHH. HOW YA DOIN' ANON?"
  494. "You don't have to yell, and I'm doing fine. Kinda working here AJ."
  495. >"WHAT?"
  496. "I said you don't have to yell."
  497. >You spoke a tad louder.
  498. >"ANON CAN YA HEAR ME? AH SAID HOW ARE YA."
  499. "I HEAR YOU APPLEJACK. IM DOING FINE."
  500. >"WELL THATS JUST FANTASTIC. AH AM HAPPY TO HEAR THAT."
  501.  
  502. And then they have very, very loud 5 hour conversation that consisted of the quality of apples, Winona's favorite toys, they way she does Appleblooms hair, and the comparisons to Big Macs coat to apples. Applejack never called her Granny.
  503.  
  504. ----
  505.  
  506. >Here we go again.
  507. >Riiing Riiing.
  508. "Hello lucky caller, are you ready for a wild
  509.  
  510. night?"
  511. >Jesus.
  512. >"Y-yeah, Ah am. This is anonymous, raght?"
  513. "Yes, ma'am."
  514. >"Wonderful, uh, Ah...Ah want yer voice to be
  515.  
  516. deeper, if it ain't to bothersome..."
  517. You lower your tone.
  518. "Like this?"
  519. >"O'nelly...yeah. Call me your sister..."
  520. "Oh sister...your flanks are so plump."
  521. >"Nyh~ I want ya to say 'EEYUP' 'kay?"
  522. "Eeyup?"
  523. Loud schlopping noises are heard on the other end.
  524. >"Jus' like that! More!"
  525. "Eeyup."
  526. >You hear soft neighs and [heavy breathing]
  527. >"B-brother~"
  528. >Err...
  529. "Oh sister~ You're so wet.."
  530. >"Nyh! Yes! Ah'm so darn close! Keep talking, Oh
  531.  
  532. mah stars!"
  533. "Eeyup. My hard cock feels so tight around you,
  534.  
  535. Sis'!"
  536. >You hear a loud groan and a thick splash, like
  537.  
  538. soggy milk agaisnt a hard wood floor.
  539. >"Consarn it! Uh! T-thank ya, I gotta go.."
  540. >Massboner.jpg
  541.  
  542.  
  543. >Riing Riing.
  544. "Hello my lovely lady, how can I help you relieve yourself tonight?"
  545. >"I'll just be blunt. Can you lower your voice and say 'Eeyup', while calling me a dirty school teacher that needs a punishment?"
  546. "..."
  547. >"..."
  548. "I sure can."
  549.  
  550.  
  551. [Rainbow Dash]
  552. Welcome to fun n' sexy phonelines
  553. >Yeah hey i'm horny so tell me what you would do to me,
  554. Well ok then, i guess i'd take you by your hooves and fu-
  555. >NOT THE HOOVES
  556. Pardon?
  557. >D-don't talk about my hooves...
  558. Ok sure... well what should i talk about
  559. >Uhhh, i dunno, whatever i guess
  560. Fucking ponies
  561. Well i don't know what you want, what turns you on
  562. >.....ummmm noone's going to hear about this right?
  563. Nope, noone, your secrets are safe with us ma'am,
  564. >.... i....kindareallylikedaringdoomgshe'ssohotandbraveandsexyandithinkaboutheralotandtouchmyselfallthetimetoher
  565. Ma'am. Ma'am. Ok i get it.
  566. >Well.... ok then... s-so do you like daring do or what.
  567. I've read a few books, and i liked them.
  568. >O-ok... so... you can do this for me?
  569. That's what we're here for.
  570. >GREAT! I mean... ok.... so.... you be daring do and i'll be her totally sexy sidekick who is totally hot yeah
  571. Okay then....
  572. >Just... before we go any further...
  573. Yes?
  574. >This... turns you on too right
  575. ....Of course
  576. >Can... can you tell me how it's turning you on?
  577. Well... i guess i've got a pretty strong erection
  578. >WAITWAITWAIT WHAT
  579. Miss?
  580. >YOU'VE GOT A DICK EW THAT'S DISGUSTING GROSS SO GAY
  581. the phone hangs up
  582. Fucking lesbian ponies.
  583.  
  584. ----
  585.  
  586. >Ring ring, ring ring
  587. "Hello, Anonymous Tech Support, how can I help you?"
  588. >"Yeah, I've been trying to call this sex hotline for like EVER and it's always busy!"
  589. "It's busy?"
  590. >"Yeah, literally every time I call it gets the busy signal!"
  591. >You can hear the frustration in Rainbow Dash's voice
  592. >You sigh
  593. >"I've even tried with the neighbor's phone and it's busy!"
  594. >She's starting to sound desperate
  595. "Did you ever think that maybe they're just really popular?"
  596. >She scoffs, "They aren't as popular as I am!"
  597. >You can practically hear her strike a pose
  598. "Well, apparently they are. Keep trying."
  599. >As you're hanging up the phone you hear her shout
  600. >"Wait!"
  601. "What is it, Rainbow?"
  602. >"... What're you wearing?"
  603. >Click
  604. "Fucking horny Rainbow..."
  605.  
  606. -----
  607.  
  608. >You are Rainbow Dash
  609. >You've been trying to call this new sex line for the past four hours
  610. >You pick up and dial again, finding it busy
  611. "UGH! It's the stupid cider all over again!"
  612. >You slam the phone down and stomp around your cloud house for a few minutes before trying the line again
  613. >Still busy
  614. "GRAAARGH!!"
  615. >You throw the phone at the wall, which is unfortunately made of clouds
  616. >Rather than a satisfying phone-splosion you're left feeling dumb and sexually frustrated
  617.  
  618. -----
  619.  
  620. >Ring ring
  621. >Jesus, this call was all over from Canterlot; guess word travels fast
  622. "Hello and welcome to Anonymous Phone Support, how may I help you?"
  623. >"FINALLY! Hey Anon, do you wanna cum inside sometime?"
  624. >That voice is all too familiar
  625. "I don't know where you're getting at Rainbow"
  626. >"I said do you want to CUM inside?"
  627. >She put a large emphasis on the come, maybe she just remodelled her home on Cloudsdale?
  628. "No can do Rainbow-"
  629. >"WHAT?! BUT, I SAW ALL THOSE POSTS ABOUT YOU WANTING TO-"
  630. >What was she talking about?
  631. "I can't walk on clouds Rainbow, magic doesn't even affect humans. Remember?"
  632. >"Haha! Good one Anon, you almost got me worried there. So do you want to cum inside of me sometime?"
  633. >Is vore her fetish or something? You can roll with this
  634. "Sure thing, Rainbow"
  635. >"Yeah, my place or your place?"
  636. >Wait, does she want to check out your home?
  637. "Rainbow you already know how my home looks, considering I live in Twilight's treehouse..."
  638. >Maybe she wanted a tour of everything...?
  639. "Wait I know where you're getting at"
  640. >"Finally! So your place or mine?"
  641. "My place, I can give you a grand tour of the library!"
  642. >"UGGHHH"
  643. >Click
  644. "...So was that a yes or a no..?"
  645.  
  646. -----
  647.  
  648. >It's just another night at the office.
  649. >Hyperventalating and rocking to and fro in the bathroom corner.
  650. >Your shame-scented, tear-stained desk awaits your return from your shit break.
  651. >You hear a shout from your boss across the office.
  652. >"Yo Anon, pick up the phone."
  653. >You dust yourself off and briskly walk back to your phone, already halfway through the ringtone.
  654. >WAAAAAZZZAAAAAAAAA
  655. >WAATHAAAAAAAAAUUUU
  656. >AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHH
  657. >WHHAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH
  658. Hello, this is Anonymous's audible love emporium, where we...
  659. >You look at todays opening list.
  660. give you the longest and hardest bang for your buck.
  661. >Your eyes do a barrel roll and you cringe like a bitch.
  662. >"H-hello Anon..."
  663. >The tomboyish mare already sounds husky and nervous, the calling card of a newer customer.
  664. How may I be of service?
  665. >...
  666. Hello, miss?
  667. >"I-"
  668. >Her voice cracks up and she swallows.
  669. Can I help-
  670. >"Will-you-do-roleplay-for-me?"
  671. Just relax, take it easy. Whatever you want, I assure you it is my pleasure.
  672. >It's a damn shame you emptied your flask earlier in an attempt to wash the away your self-loathing.
  673. >"Nop0ny can never know about this, okay. 'Specially not my friends."
  674. You needn't worry, all sessions are guaranteed to be secret but fun.
  675. >"Okay, cool."
  676. >Was this pony a little hoarse or was she on steroids or something?
  677. Feel free to tell me whatever you want me to do.
  678. >"Can you do... uh, v-vore?"
  679. >Had you been asked this last week, you would have been lost for words.
  680. >Now, vore is about as vanilla as you can hope for.
  681.  
  682. Sure, babe. Let me know what you like and we can take it from there?
  683. >"Are you small?"
  684. >You pull away from the receiver and make your voice as tiny as possible.
  685. Only three inches when I'm cold.
  686. >"Uh, how does it feel to be pinned down and licked?"
  687. >You're flailing in place and screaming in your tiny voice, much to the amusement of your employer.
  688. Whoa! S-stop it, you're getting, ugh, drool all over me! Aaaugh!
  689. >The speaker relays the sloppy "thups" of lapping noises and hot breath being pushed through from the other end of the call.
  690. Please, somep0ny help! I can't -gasp- breathe!
  691. >"Mmmmhhhmmmfff, we'll see how well you breathe once you're inside my mouth, little Anonymous."
  692. Wait, what are you do-
  693. >You muffle your voice with the front of your T-shirt.
  694. [Gahhh! It's all warm and slimy in here]
  695. >Meanwhile your boss's sides have achieved Equestria's first space flight, fueled by your rapidly-depreciating dignity.
  696. >"Wha dosh i' feel lihk gettin schewed up?"
  697. >The mare put god knows what in her mouth while whimpered through her nose.
  698. >You hear that telltale rhythmic squishing sound and slurps from her slobbering, you assume, on the phone.
  699. >You pull a wooden pencil out of your desk and snap it up against the mouthpiece.
  700. >CRRNNCH
  701. [AAAAGGGHHH! My leg!]
  702. >You make a convincing histerical cry.
  703. >"Mmmnnn, ooh yeah. K-keep going."
  704. >She puts the phone up against her throat and swallows hard.
  705. >the_ride_never_ends.jpg
  706. [NOOOOoooooo...], your shout tapers off to sputtering coughs.
  707. >"NNNEIGHH FFFUCK MEEE!"
  708. >...
  709. >"Wow, thanks for that, Anonymous."
  710. Not a problem, miss, it's what I'm here for.
  711. >"I'll have to give you another call sometime soon. Seeya!"
  712. >At the end of the day, you need a half dozen showers, and you have to compensate your employer for a replacement pair of sides.
  713. The shit I do for money.
  714.  
  715.  
  716.  
  717. [Derpy]
  718. "Hello this is Anon!"
  719. >Sitting at home and relaxing with a good book is just what you needed.
  720. >"Hi! I hear you give special voice hugs to make ponies feel good."
  721. "....Maybe?"
  722. >"Well today I lost my mailbag and I got yelled for the fifth time this week."
  723. "I am sorry to hear that, did you want me to help you relax?"
  724. >"Oh! Can you sing me a lullaby? It works just fine on Dinky."
  725. "Well most ponies want something more intimate."
  726. >"Awww please? Just one song."
  727. "....Twinkle Twinkle Little Star.
  728. >This goes on for about 12 songs and the ABCs before you hear a faint snoring on the phone and a mumble of the word "Anon."
  729. >Your heart breaks and you just can't bring yourself to charge this poor mare. In fact you plan to visit her tomorrow to give her the love she deserves.
  730.  
  731. How did she get your number?
  732.  
  733. -----
  734.  
  735. >>17209887
  736. >Phone rings.
  737. "Hello this is... Anonymous Pleasure. How may I service you today?"
  738. >"..."
  739. "Hello?"
  740. >No response.
  741. >About to hang up when you hear something quiet on the other end of the line.
  742. >"I-It's my fir..."
  743. >Strain to hear what she has to say.
  744. "I'm sorry, Miss, but you'll have to speak up."
  745. >"I said it's my first time calling..."
  746. "That's okay, Miss. I'll be gentle and we can start off slow."
  747. >Hear a relieved sigh. "Okay. That sounds good."
  748. "So... what are you wearing?"
  749. >Momentary silence. "Umm... Nothing...?"
  750. "Oh right, ponies. I forgot."
  751. >"I could go get my mailbag if you want?"
  752. "No, no. That's alright. Umm... what is it you're into?"
  753. >"Well, I like... kissing... and hugging."
  754. "Sure. I scoop you up and give you a big hug and a kiss on the cheek."
  755. >"Ooh, kiss me on the lips next."
  756. "I adjust you in my arms, stroke your cheek and passionately kiss you on the lips."
  757. >"And... and tell me that- Tell me that you like me."
  758. "After pulling back from the kiss, I lean down and say 'You know, I'm quite fond of you, Miss...' ugh..."
  759. >"Ditzy!"
  760. "Miss Ditzy."
  761. >"Actually, tell me that you love me."
  762. "I love you, Ditzy."
  763. >"And hold me tight."
  764. "I snuggle you close."
  765. >"And call me pretty..."
  766. "You're beau-"
  767. >"Even though 'No one'll ever love a freak with messed-up eyes...'"
  768. >There's muted sobbing.
  769. "You're absolutely gorgeous, Ditzy."
  770. >She sniffles. "Thanks Anon."
  771.  
  772. -----
  773.  
  774. >Enough of this job, you pull away from your desk to go home for the day, after all you just made about 400 bits, even if most of the calls were just pranks and whatnots.
  775. >Suddenly your phone rings one last time. You let out a huge sigh and answer.
  776. >"Hello" you say with a deep sadness to your voice. "This is Anon E Mousse and this is the..."
  777. >"Yeah Pizza Castle? Let me get a double large, extra olive pizza with pepperoni..."
  778. >"Derpy?" You perk up immediately.
  779. >"Yeah Hi Mario, and can I get a side order of muffin fries."
  780. >"No Derpy its me! Anon!"
  781. >"You're working at Pizza Castle now?"
  782. >"No, Derpy, you don't understand, I'm really having a bad day at work, maybe you can stop on by and help cheer me up." You say perking up slightly at the thought of your favourite pony being by your side.
  783. >"Huh? Oh yeah, sorry Anon, I was just catching up with an old buddy of mine, /b. He says he's been having a great day messing with some loser on the phone. Oh man, its been years since me and /b have gotten together, I think I may just suck his wiener, too bad your at work Anon or I'd suck yours too."
  784. >You drop the phone and scream running at the wall at full speed, leaving an Anon shaped hole in the wall.
  785. >The phone is still hanging from the cord.
  786. >"Hello? Is this Pizza Castle?"
  787.  
  788. -----
  789.  
  790. >click
  791. "Why hello there, thanks for calling Stud Mu-
  792. >"Yeah hey, I wanna order a dozen muffins, half blueberry and oatmeal-"
  793. "Wh-what.. we uhh, we don't sell blueberry or oatmeal muffins."
  794. >"..."
  795. >Paper crumpling
  796. >"Bu-but the phonebook says 'Hot stud muffins waiting for you' right here... do you only sell stud muffins?"
  797. "No.. no we don't sell -any- muffins.. this is a phone sex hotline.."
  798. >"What? Phones don't have sex... is this a prank?"
  799. >Oh for the love of...
  800. "N-no, its... its a hotline ponies call to talk with uhh, desirable men.."
  801. >Like myself ehehe fuck this job...
  802. >"I don't...underst- Talk about what?"
  803. "Anything? Whatever the caller wants."
  804. >"....Like muffins?"
  805. "S-sure, if that's what you're into..."
  806. >"...whats your favorite kind of muffin?"
  807.  
  808. Anon would later become the employee of the month for having the companies longest talk session ever.
  809. Derpy, despite getting charged out the ASS, eventually did find a muffin company that suited her delivery needs, and all was right in the world.
  810.  
  811.  
  812. [Carrot top]
  813. >*Ring ring*
  814. "Welcome to The Sable Stable. My name is Anon, and I'll be sensually slaving my speech to yuo satisfaction this evening."
  815. >"Uh, hi. This is all kept hushed-up, right?"
  816. >Sounds like a first timer.
  817. "Whatever happens tonight is just between you and me, sexy."
  818. >There's a quiet giggle, before the talking resumes. "So, uh, stop me if this is odd, but I was doing my gardening earlier,"
  819. "Mmm-hmm."
  820. >You try to make that sound seductive, but mostly you're just puzzled. Gardening fetish?
  821. >"And, well, I pulled up the most enormous carrot. I'm serious, this thing is like as long as my leg."
  822. "Oh, my. And I suppose, really, that it'd be a shame to just eat something that gorgeously thick~"
  823. >"Pretty much, but uh... I kind of like a sort of narrative when I, uh, 'do the do,' so could you, uh..."
  824. "I'll help you however I can."
  825. >You're pretty sure she wants to hear how you're going to brutalise her iwht an enormous carrot dildo. How else could this work?
  826. >"...pretend to be the carrot?"
  827. >Mouths. Big. Opening them. Bad.
  828. "...Okay. So, I lie in wait in the... pantry?"
  829. >"Mhmm. I'm going to tentatively open it, and take you out. Then, uh,wash you under the tap, to get the mud off."
  830. "Oh yes, wash me. I've been a filthy little carrot?"
  831. >Your ad-hoc is bad, but she giggles.
  832. >"You're quite big, so I may be a while, gently rubbing my hooves over your orange skin."
  833. "Oh, yes," you moan, "Even if I'm to be boiled and eaten, this makes it worhtwhile."
  834. >"Ah-ah-ah!" she tuts, "I have something special planned for you~. I grasp you by the greens and carry you up to my bedroom."
  835. "Oh my, what are we going to do on the bed?"
  836. >You hear a soft 'pomf'.
  837. >"I'm going to lay you on the pillow, up against the headboard, and tip facing towards me."
  838. >This is actually kind of almost turning you on.
  839. >"And then I'm gonna turn around, and begin tracing your point around my, uh..."
  840. >You can hear fidgetting over the line, interspersed with heavy breathing. She sounds way nervous about this.
  841.  
  842. "Suddenly, I lunge fowards, ramming myself between your waiting lips."
  843. >"What? I- UNGH!" She grunts. Wait, that worked?
  844. "I'm actually the... Lusty Carrot Monster."
  845. >"Ah! I kn-knew it!" she gasps, "You were t-too big to be true!"
  846. >The soft shlicking noise makes you think she's into full swing over there.
  847. "I plunge myself, again and again into your tender nether regions, pushing myself deeper and deeper with every thrust."
  848. >"Yes!" she moans lewdly, "Oh Celestia, yes!"
  849. "Soon I shall feed off of your juices, from deep within your fleshy walls."
  850. >For a vegetable, you're awfully hammy.
  851. >"Oh, mercy!" she cries in delight, "I think your point iS pushing into my cer-WAH!" She screams, with a crunch.
  852. "Miss? Miss are you alright!?"
  853. >There's silence for a few moments.
  854. >"...I broke the end off."
  855. >You sigh.
  856. >"I got around fourteen inches in there, I think."
  857. "Four- wow, fourteen?"
  858. >"Yeah. But now it's kinda useless and I need something new to play with."
  859. >Her voice turns husky, "You, uh, doing anything important?"
  860. "Sorry miss, we're not allowed to arrange meeting with customers."
  861. >"Oh, that's a shame. Now I'm going to have to call and escort or something. One second."
  862. >You hear hoofsteps moving away. How will she call and escort without the phone?
  863. >"HEY BIG MACINTOSH!"
  864. >Oh right. The reply comes from a fair way off, you think.
  865. >"Eeyup?"
  866. >"MY TOILET'S BUST, CAN YOU COME FIX IT?"
  867. >"Eeyup!"
  868. >More hoofsteps.
  869. >"Thanks for the sexy talk, I... I'll call again some time. Toodles!~"
  870. >Click.
  871.  
  872.  
  873. [Vinyl]
  874. >getting accustomed to your job.
  875. >Twilight said changing things up around the work place would keep things from getting boring.
  876. >the phone goes off
  877. *beep beep, beep beep*
  878. >she lied to you.
  879. "hello thank you for calling anonymous phone service everything you need all in one phone call."
  880. >"hey uhh can I get a warranty check on my Numark 4-channel turntable set."
  881. >oh shit a tech support call.
  882. "one moment miss."
  883. >you flip through your manual of scripts.
  884. "can you give me the model number, it'll be on a sticker on the bottom of the device. this will help me find your warranty information."
  885. >"uhhh hold up." you hear some clanging and the rattling of metal. "the sticker peeled off."
  886. >you suppress a sigh.
  887. "okay before I go any further can you explain the problem with the device."
  888. >"uhh yeah It got some soda spilled on it,long story, and now it won't turn on."
  889. "well I'm afraid we can't cover a return unless it was a manufacturing error. What I can offer is for you to send the device in to be recycled and give you a discount on a replacement which will cost about 1,000 bits."
  890. >Jesus Christ what a rip off
  891. >"oh man what a rip off, this sucks. I can't do my job like this."
  892. "I understand your frustration ma'am, if you'd like to take the replacement discount or if you need anything else you can tell me now otherwise I have other callers to get to."
  893. >you never thought the manual would encorage you to rush a caller off the phone especially if they pay by the minute.
  894. >"What am I uhh gahhh!!!. I have to go over this with a friend of mine, you keep that deal going okay phone guy. peace."
  895. *click*
  896. >you make a frown.
  897. "poor girl."
  898.  
  899. take care of your electronics kids.
  900.  
  901.  
  902. [Berry Punch]
  903. >"Hello thanks for ringing Hot Monkey Hotline, You are now being connected to Anonymous.'
  904.  
  905. > You pick up the phone.
  906.  
  907. >"Aaaaanon -hic- I'm horny."
  908. "So am I, I'm currently unzipping my pants."
  909. >"Oooh yes.."
  910. "Do you want the monkey D"
  911. >"~Oh yeash, I want it inside me"
  912. "You can, I'm imagining you getting pounded right now as I stroke myself"
  913. > You hear shuffling and moaning
  914. >"OooOh tell me that you love me!"
  915. "ugh... I"
  916. >"TELL ME!"
  917. " I"
  918. > "WHY CANT ANYPONY LOVE ME!"
  919. > You hear the phone drop and you hear uncontrollable sobbing in the background.
  920. > You carefully hang up.
  921.  
  922. "-hic- Anoon..."
  923. > You recognise that voice
  924. > This is the third time she rang tonight.
  925. "Berry Punch, please just go to bed"
  926. >"No, I'm having my last drink..."
  927. " That's good Berry."
  928. >"Do you wanna knows what it is?"
  929.  
  930. > You knew she loved her booze, but you never knew it was a fetish.
  931. > It's probably most 'normal' one you had tonight.
  932.  
  933. "Let me guess Wine?"
  934. > "No Anon -hic- I'll give you a clue, you used it to come to this world."
  935. "NO BERRY!"
  936. > "I guess, I'll find someone like you Anon, - in your world"
  937. "Ber-"
  938. > You hear gulping followed by a fit of coughs.
  939. > You hear Berry's phone hit the floor followed by a loud thud.
  940.  
  941. >"Sorry the pony has hung up, please hang up the hoofset, and redial to reconnect"
  942.  
  943. -----
  944.  
  945. >You can hear your headset gently beeping from the counter as the light on the handset blinks
  946. >Rubbing your sore ear you set it back on top of your head and hit the button
  947. "Good evening, la-"
  948. >"I need a ride."
  949. Her slurred speech makes KT pretty clear this is a misdial
  950. "Excuse me?"
  951. >"I need you to come get me."
  952. "Ma'am you have the wrong number, this is-"
  953. >She hangs up
  954. >Well that could have gone worse
  955. >As soon as you reach to pull your headset off it rings again
  956. "Good evening, this is-"
  957. >"Are you my cousin?"
  958. "No it's anonymous again."
  959. >"Oh."
  960. >"I'm looking for my-"
  961. "Cousin"
  962. >"Yeah!"
  963. "I can't help you."
  964. >Click
  965. >Drunk mares are two thirds your clientele, although you've rarely had one this oblivious
  966. >The light blinks
  967. "Hel-"
  968. >"Cheerilee?"
  969. "You have the wrong number ma'am."
  970. >Click
  971. >Blink blink blink
  972. "For the last time you drunk whore l'm not your cousin."
  973. >A slight pause
  974. >"... well that's not the scenario l was calling for but l guess we can try it."
  975. >Fuck
  976.  
  977. -----
  978.  
  979. >You're up till early morning working the phone sex line.
  980. >You're hours are shit you have to be at work while the ponies are enjoying the sweet embrace of sleep.
  981. >it's close to quitting time.
  982. >you look over to scruffy. he gives a satisfied nod.
  983. >getpaid.jpg
  984. *ring ring*
  985. >you sigh and answer this last call.
  986. "you're calling anon's menage__"
  987. >"can the intro_ hic, I need a favor."
  988. >It's the familiar voice of the worlds best drinking buddy. She bought you some shots to celebrate your new job so now you ow her one.
  989. "what do you need berry?"
  990. >"hic." she takes a deep breath. "okay I'm good"
  991. >"I was up seeing how fun it would be to drink at 6:00 am in case we go drinking when you get off work. good news! it's awesome we should hang sometime when you get off. Bad news I need you to take me home."
  992. "what the fuck, why?"
  993. >"uhghc. I can't feel my legs. oh more good news I can make moonshine now."
  994. >the sound of bushes rustling plays out over the line.
  995. >"mhhmm, yeah so I'm at the town hall. that building that looks like an ugly -hic- merry-go-round. Can you carry me home?"
  996. "Yeah I'll be right there. just sit tight okay."
  997. *click*
  998. >you slip your jacket on and leave to carry your drunk friend home.
  999.  
  1000. >you come across the splayed out body of the drunken mare, laying in the bushes near the town hall entrance.
  1001. >you gently shake her by her shoulder.
  1002. "hey berry you alright?"
  1003. >"guhh I'm gonna be sick."
  1004. "you wanna get that out of the way before I start carrying your ass home?"
  1005. >"good idea" she rolls her head over and pukes the contents of her stomach into her makeshift bed
  1006. "your disgusting."
  1007. >"you're just saying that because you're sober."
  1008. >you hoist her up hanging her fore hooves over your shoulders like a backpack.
  1009. >"whee I'm a cape."
  1010. "did you smoke something while you were drinking?"
  1011. >"I dunno probably not -hic- just take me home I'm tired."
  1012. "fine, but you're giving me a bottle of this stuff you made before I leave your house."
  1013. >"hi ho silver away! -gurk" you start legging it to her place.
  1014. >after some fumbling around looking for a spare key you finally manage to get her to her bed.
  1015. "home sweet home."
  1016. >"ahh" she sighs in relief, squirming under her covers. "the still is in the living room there should be an extra bottle next to it, just lock up before you leave."
  1017. "sweet thanks, now I have my weekend planned out for me, start it on Friday night, don't wake up till Monday morning."
  1018. >"sounds like a plan, hey pornstar can you read me a bedtime story before you leave?"
  1019. >You can tell she's joking but right now you feel like sharing your horror stories with someone.
  1020. "yeah this story is called 'all your friends are crazy.'"
  1021. "once upon a time there was a talented phone operator who had to fill out the fetishes of the most disturbed town in equestria."
  1022. >you proceed to narraite some of the more eclectic calls you got that day from the penis goring to the tsunami of wwe grade semen. And all the daddy issues one town can handle.
  1023. >by the time you're done she is snoring loudly dead to the world.
  1024. >you tuck her in and leave taking your free booze and leaving her secure in her home.
  1025. "I'm getting laid Saturday."
  1026. >you can't wait to get drunk and bang your first horse.
  1027. da end
  1028.  
  1029.  
  1030. [Twilight]
  1031. Welcome to fun n' sexy phonelines
  1032. >Hello there sir! I am here to partake in your phone sex services
  1033. Oh fucking hell purple smart
  1034. sigh.... ok..... what do you want me to do
  1035. >*giggles* well.... i would love to hear about your faveourite books!
  1036. well then
  1037. Ok then miss... well i like daring do... and the great adventures of the milkiest mare
  1038. >nononono those are all great books, but i'm talking about the really... you... sexy books
  1039. well.... what books do you find.... sexy?
  1040. >You know... facts... statistics... and... ohhh celestia... LISTS
  1041. Hmm... well what i have here is a LIST of my favorite factual books would that help?
  1042. A flurry of panting and moaning to the point of screaming can be heard on the other end
  1043. >YES.... y-yes lets go with that
  1044. Well my first book i like is called "accounting for the humankind" (one of a very long list of books my L. Heartstings)
  1045. >mmmmm oh what's in it?
  1046. Well... it says that over 90% of humans like accounting... apparently
  1047. >OH MY GOSH ITS LIKE A PERCENT OF A PERCENT THAT IS SO HOT OH YES! TALK MATHY TO ME!
  1048. Uhhh how?
  1049. >Well.... hehe... i always find laying back on my bed with a candle and a record playing the digits of pi always gets me going.... so if you could?
  1050. Fucking seriously
  1051. Ok ma'am....3.14159265359
  1052. With each number you hear more panting and moaning
  1053. >Ohhh yes... so clooose uhhhhn~
  1054. suddenly you hear a slam from the other sde of the phoneline
  1055. >"Heya twi i thought i heard you moaning or something are you hurt or-
  1056. >SPIKE!
  1057. >T-TWILIGHT!?!?
  1058. You hear yells and scuffling from the other end
  1059. ......
  1060. >ahahaha s-sorry about that sir.. please keep going
  1061. What was that about?
  1062. >Oh- th-that? nothing! hahaha
  1063. You here a muffled noise
  1064. ....W-what did you do with spi- er... that other dragon, er, pony?
  1065. >HAHA NOTHING SILLY KEEP GOING
  1066. Twilight. WHAT DID YOU DO TO SPIKE.
  1067. >TWILIGHT WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT IT'S NOT ME HAHAHA KEEP GOING DAMMIT
  1068. suddenly a loud ruffling is heard
  1069. >HELP ME PLEASE SHE'S STRAPPED MY MOUTH TO HER
  1070. *click*
  1071. .........
  1072. nope.JPG
  1073.  
  1074. -----
  1075.  
  1076. >Ring Ring
  1077. >You let out a long sigh, leaning back in your chair (which isn't even that comfortable) and click the button on your headset.
  1078. "Hello, thanks for calling Anonymous, But Fun! How may I aurally please you tonight?
  1079. > "Yes, h-hello. This is the... adult hotline, yes?"
  1080. > Newcomer. You've learned that usually doesn't help when it comes to weirdness.
  1081. "Why yes ma'am it is. You sound new to this, but don't worry; I'm an expert."
  1082. >"Oh, good. I, uhm... I don't know how to do this, h-honestly."
  1083. >Odd; it sounds like Twilight. But she wouldn't... would she? If this job has taught you anything, it's that anyone will.
  1084. "Oh, it's no problem. Anything in particular you might be in the mood for, tonight?"
  1085. >"D-do you do roleplay?"
  1086. "Of course, ma'am."
  1087. >"I, uhm... Can you be Starswirl the Bearded? And I your student?"
  1088. >Yup. It was Twilight.
  1089. "Well of course, my most studious student! You have been practicing all of the spells we went over, yes?"
  1090. >"O-oh, of course, Mr. Starswirl! I practiced all night!"
  1091. "Good. I certainly could not deal with a student that didn't study! You do know what I would do to a student who wouldn't study, right?"
  1092. >"N-no, I don't."
  1093. "Well first, I would punish you by doubling -- no, tripling your workload!"
  1094. >"Oh m-my~"
  1095. >You could hear the faint sounds of slow shlicking. You wonder if Twilight knows you know it's her; you do live with her, after all. You know her voice.
  1096. "And then every single day I would force you to practice spells! Hours upon hours every day!"
  1097. >"O-oh yes! W-would you test me?"
  1098. "I would test you every day, at least twice a day. And if you missed a question?"
  1099. >"Mmhmm?~"
  1100. >The shlicking noise was getting louder, and you could hear her stifling soft moans into what was probably her hoof.
  1101. >For the first time in what felt like a week, you felt pressure in your jimmies.
  1102. "I would force you down to read my own books out loud as I plow you from behind."
  1103.  
  1104. >"O-oh S-starswirl! W-what if I miss a beat in my reading?!"
  1105. >Holy fuck, she is intense about messing things up. Lots of relatively loud "Ah!''s could be heard, along with lots of wet noises.
  1106. "Well, then I would have to cast a spell to bind you to the bed, preventing you from moving an inch as my thick cock pounds your plot."
  1107. >"Ahh!"
  1108. >You could hear the quick breathing in between teeth, along with a myriad of cute squeeks and moans.
  1109. >She sits and breathes heavily for a few seconds before speaking again.
  1110. >"Th-thank you, Anon..."
  1111. "No problem, Twi. See you at home later tonight?"
  1112. >"Y-yeah. See you then."
  1113. >*click*
  1114. >Now that you think about it, that was the first time actually playing out sex since... you can't even remember if you have or not.
  1115. >You groan in discomfort as your pants become more and more uncomfortable and as the ringer goes off one more time
  1116.  
  1117. -----
  1118.  
  1119. >You lie sobbing on your desk
  1120. >Your lazyass boss still won't let you leave
  1121. >You sit alone in a dark room with a brace on your leg so that you may not leave the building
  1122. >The phone rings, and you jerk your aching head up and glare at it through bloodshot eyes
  1123. >You relax and weakly pick the phone up
  1124. "H-hello, Anonymous at your service," you say, trying to sound as smooth and even as possible"
  1125. >"..b...ny"
  1126. "Sir?"
  1127. >"f...ck...br...o...y"
  1128. >You hold back your desire to scream in agony from this struggling
  1129. "Sir, I'm sorry, but I just can't hea-"
  1130. >"FUCKING BRONY!"
  1131. >You recoil from the sudden change of volume and fall backwards
  1132. >You stand up, nearly crying from shock
  1133. >You force the phone against the side of your head
  1134. "W-who the hell are you?!"
  1135. >"FUCKING BRONY! YOUR MINDSET IS THAT OF A BARNEY FAN, YOU FUCKING PURPLE DINOSAUR LOVER!"
  1136. >"KILL YOURSELF YOU FAGGOT!"
  1137. >"MAY SATAN HAVE MERCY ON YOUR SOUL, BARNEYFAG!"
  1138. >Your ability to see reason has left and instead of slamming the phone down and ending the conversation, you fight back
  1139. "LISTEN, YOU DICK, I'VE BEEN UP FOR DAYS ON END LISTENING TO SHIT LIKE THIS AND I'M SICK OF IT BOTH LITERALLY AND FIGURATIVELY! LEAVE ME ALONE ALREADY!"
  1140. >"..."
  1141. >You actually think that you've beaten him
  1142. >"Anon, this is your boss and you have failed my test."
  1143. >Oh for the love of-
  1144. >"And because of your failure, you must be punished."
  1145. >Your brace starts making a beeping sound
  1146. >You look at it with widening eyes
  1147. >Electricity pulses throughout your body
  1148. "GAAAH!"
  1149. >You spasm and collapse to the floor
  1150. >"And don't think that you can fall asleep on the job, either"
  1151. >You feel some kind of thick liquid being injected into your veins
  1152. >You weep as you realize that he won't let you stop until you die
  1153. >You get up in fear of being electrocuted again
  1154. >The last you hear from your boss is his maniacal laughter before he hangs up
  1155. >You shriek into the night
  1156.  
  1157. >There's a reddish flash behind you. You barely even notice.
  1158. >"ANON! Why haven't you been home!? What... could've..."
  1159. >Twilight forgets her rage bas she looks at you, barely concious, eyes so bloodshot as to be completely red, hair matted and greasy...
  1160. >"Dear Celestia, what's happened to you?"
  1161. >You can barely mumble in response, and any semblance of wording is lost on you.
  1162. >"HEY YOU!" Your boss calls out as he enters the room. You cower and try to loom productive. Twilight simply turns her head to him.
  1163. >"You aren't meant to be in here, what do you think you're doing! Get away from my employee!"
  1164. >"Why has my housemate not been home in three days?" Twilight asks, her voice unnervingly even.
  1165. >"I said you aren't meant to be here!"
  1166. >"Why did I return from a tutorship session in Canterlot to find my assistant, Spike, starving and dehydrated from crying?"
  1167. >"I SAID GET-"
  1168. >His voice silences as his mouth is sealed shut in a mauve flash.
  1169. >"I am going to say this once," Twilight walks steadily towards him as she speaks, "You let my friend here go from ths sick, twisted mockery of a sweatshop, and I might, -might- try to convince Celestia to only sentance you to lifelong imprisonment when I report this to her." She stops right in front of him, her face set in a stern frown.
  1170. >Boss glares, and then lashes out. A quick strike to the chest, and then his trademark mean right hook to the lowering head.
  1171. >Twilight is sent sailing back through the room, winded, with a sickening crack.
  1172. >She hits the ground and lies there for a moment, struggling to regain breath.
  1173. >And then there's a quiet clink, and you see her horn hit the tiled floor.
  1174. >Two seconds after and four metres away from the rest of her.
  1175.  
  1176. >Boss, no longer held by the magic, grins wickedly. "Ah, you unicorns and your beliefe in your fancy powers. Fuck all of you, honestly."
  1177. >Twilight staggers to her hooves, a thin trail of blood trailing down her face from the broken horn.
  1178. >"Trick I learned in Stalliongrad, eight years ago," Boss explains, "Let's see how you manage with only your four hooves and no magic to speak of."
  1179. >Twilight fixes him a stern expression, then raises both forehooves and smacks them into the ground.
  1180. >The tiles ripple fowards from her, and long, unbroken wave, until the one directly in front of the boss' hooves flips neatly into the air and hits him in the jaw, edge-on, with a crunch.
  1181. >"GAAAAGGGH!" Boss cries out, staggering backwards, his jaw hanging limp, "Uht 'i' ou oo?"
  1182. >"Trick I learned in Canterlot, yesterday," Twilight explains with a smirk, "Earth pony magic. Lot of ponies forget that alicorns can do that."
  1183. >She swipes one hoof fowards on the floor in front of her, and the floor rumbles a little.
  1184. >A thick, plantlike tendrils bursts out of the empty tile slot and wraps arounf your boss' neck, throttling him.
  1185. >"The good news is, we won't be needing that court case. Assaulting a Princess is akin to treason, and since treason is both unusual and extreme, the punishment hasn't been reconsidered in centuries."
  1186. >She begins walking slowly towards your bos, stopping only to pick up her horn.
  1187. >"So, as a Princess of Equestria,"
  1188. >She hold it to its proper place with one hoof, and a small zap of lightning - pegasus magic, no doubt - fixes it in place.
  1189. >"Acting as judge, jury, and excecutioner,"
  1190. >Her horn starts glowing again, becoming brighter and brighter.
  1191. >"It is withgreat regret that I condemn you,"
  1192. >It hurts to look at her. It hurst to look away from her. Dear god, it hurts to keep your eyes closed, it's so bright.
  1193. >"To death."
  1194. >She fires.
  1195.  
  1196. >You awaken in your bedroom.
  1197. >That strikes you as odd, at first.
  1198. >"Anon, you're awake!"
  1199. >You're tackled by a small, purple and green blur.
  1200. >Spike's... crying?
  1201. "I... I thought you weren;t going to come back..." He sniffles.
  1202. >You wrap and arm around him and wordlessly pat him on the back,whispering. "Shhhh, it's alright. Twilight took care of everything. I think."
  1203. >"Oh, yeah," Spike looks up at you and nods, "I could see the magic firing off from across town."
  1204. "How is she?" You ask, tenatively.
  1205. >Spike winces. "Her horn's sketchy at best. She ought to recover, since horns are always growing, but Celestia's ordered her to stay off the heavy magic."
  1206. >You nod, before heading downstairs with Spike in tow.
  1207. >You're greeted by an unusual sight. twilight's arranging a desk.
  1208. >A phone desk.
  1209. >In a cubicle.
  1210. >...Opposite another cubicle.
  1211. >They're labelled with your name and... her cutie mark?
  1212. >"Oh, Anon, you're awake!" she says, spotting you.
  1213. "What's all this about?"
  1214. >"Oh, uh..." Twilight shuffles awkwardly. "I though that, well, it'd be a shame to waste the skills you've picke up the last cpouple of weeks..."
  1215. >Your heart almost tears itself in two with dread. You're going right back into the shitter.
  1216. >"And, well, since I'm not allowed to practice magic like I normally would, I figured I might try learning it too?"
  1217. >But you're not going into it alone. Somehow, that makes it much better.
  1218.  
  1219. >You shake Twilight's hoof in agreement, and the two of you sit at your desks.
  1220. >No sooner have you done so than the phone rings.
  1221. >"Welcome to Anon's Intimacy Emporium, where we have clean chops and dirty clops."
  1222. >The taglines are as bad as ever. Well, those two still need a job somewhere, you guess.
  1223. >"Hi, quick question: do you like bananas?"
  1224. >You very carefully and quietly bring your palm to your face. Same old, same old.
  1225. >"Sorry, you want to put your what in my where!?" You overhear from the next booth.
  1226. >At least you have someone to talk to about it, you think, as Spike walks into your cubicle with a steaming mug of coffee.
  1227. >This might not be so bad.
  1228.  
  1229.  
  1230. [Rarity]
  1231. "Hello, this is Anonymous Amorous. I will placate your burning passion with my..."
  1232. > Checks notes on wall.
  1233. "... mighty Hose of passion" (I really need another job)
  1234. >"Oh. Hello, darling. I-I-I have never done this before, but I, I, I really need to get this out of my system so..."
  1235. > "Relax, ma'am. I'm a pro, so just let your fantasy fly wild and put yourself on my capable (groan) hands."
  1236. > "O-Okay. Look, I-I just want you to ravage me as hard as you could"
  1237. Great, another repressed one
  1238. "Oka, Ma'am- no, OKAY, BITCH. I WILL GRAB YOU AND TOSS YOU TO THE GROUND"
  1239. > "U-uh!"
  1240. > "THEN I WILL GRAB YOUR MANE WITH BOTH HANDS!"
  1241. > "Y-yes! Your hands! Use them to scratch me! Scratch me with your nails!"
  1242. "(Oh, God) "I'M SCRATCHING YOU ALL OVER, BITCH! YOU LIKE THAT, EH?"
  1243. > "Y-yes! scratch me harder and bite my ear with your fangs!"
  1244. > "CHOMPNOMCHOMP!"
  1245. > "Now roar! Roar befoe you take me by force!"
  1246. > "ROOOAAAARRRRR!!! (I hate this job)
  1247. > "YES, ROAR LIKE THAT! ROAR AND SCRATCH ME WITH YOUR CLAWS! NOW RAISE ME IN THE AIR AND TAKE ME ON A SINGLE HIT!"
  1248. "ROOOOARRRR TAKE IT! TAKE IT ALL, BITCH UNF!"
  1249. > "YES! YES! THIS IS IT! NOW LET ME TAKE IT! I WANT TO TAKE IT ALL, SPIKEY-WIKEY!"
  1250. ".... Miss Rarity?!"
  1251. > "assorted horse noises"
  1252. "..."
  1253. > *click*
  1254. "Well, that's ANOTHER awkward one for the collection..."
  1255. *Open drawer and grab a flask of hard cider*
  1256.  
  1257. ----
  1258.  
  1259. >Phone rings.
  1260. "Hello this is Anonymous Pleasure. What dreams can I wet for you today?"
  1261. >"Darling, that's not a very appealing first line."
  1262. "I know, Miss. I don't write this stuff."
  1263. >"Well, no matter. Let's just get started, yes?"
  1264. "Sure. Umm... where do you want to start?"
  1265. >"Why not start with the cliche, hmm? Tell me what you're wearing, Darling."
  1266. "Okay. I've got nothing on other than a barely-adequate banana hammock and I've got myself all nice and oiled up for you."
  1267. >"No, no, dear. That'll never do. Tell me what you're actually wearing."
  1268. "What? You mean right now?"
  1269. >"Yes dear. Do go on."
  1270. "O...kay... I'm just wearing a T-shirt and some jeans."
  1271. >"Ugh, how dreadful," she whines. "Tell me about the shirt"
  1272. "It's uhh... blue?"
  1273. >You hear wet sounds.
  1274. >"Any design?"
  1275. "Just some text."
  1276. >The mare pants. "What does it say?"
  1277. "Hold I, I have to check... 'How do you keep an idiot distracted? See other side.'"
  1278. >She moans again. "What does the other side say?"
  1279. "The same thing..."
  1280. >"Simply horrendous." Her breathing becomes shallower. "Anything else?"
  1281. "It doesn't say any-"
  1282. >"Are you -wearing- anything else?"
  1283. "Well, I've got my shoes on..."
  1284. >"Tell me! Tell me about them!"
  1285. "They're uhh... They're sandals?"
  1286. >She squeals and whinnies harshly at the other end on the line.
  1287. >"Oh Anon, that was the greatest fashion faux pas I've ever heard. Thank you, Darling."
  1288. >She hangs up.
  1289. "Yeah..."
  1290.  
  1291. ----
  1292.  
  1293. >Another night of work.
  1294. >To top it all off, being a unique thing in Equestria made you pretty popular.
  1295. ”Good evening. How can I please you tonight?”
  1296. >”Uhm… This will be strictly anonymous, correct? None of this will ever be known to others?”
  1297. >Sounds like a first-timer with this sort of thing.
  1298. “Of course. This is just between you and me, sweetheart.”
  1299. >”Excellent. Well, then, I hear you’re quite the, uh, animal.”
  1300. “I suppose so. I’m certainly one of a kind here.”
  1301. >”Oh yes, I just bet. I’m sure you’re a real raunchy one too.”
  1302. >Now she’s getting in the mood.
  1303. “Of course I am, just for you.”
  1304. >”Yes, I’m sure you’d just RAVISH me!”
  1305. >”… You would, wouldn’t you?”
  1306. >Gotta please.
  1307. “I would, definitely.”
  1308. >”Yes! You’re a brute, aren’t you?!”
  1309. >She starts to breathe hard.
  1310. >Sounds like she’s getting off.
  1311. “A terrible one.”
  1312. >”Oh~ you filthy ape!”
  1313. “Yeah-“
  1314. >”You’d hold me down, wouldn’t you?! USE ME LIKE A TOY!”
  1315. “I-“
  1316. >”YOU SENSELESS BEAST! I’D BE HELPLESS, WOULDN’T I?!”
  1317. “…”
  1318. >”A MERE TOOL TO SATE YOUR ANIMALISTIC- AAAAAAAHH!”
  1319. >There’s a drawn-out, ear-shattering wail.
  1320. >Ow.
  1321. >”… Oh dear, I-I’m sorry.”
  1322. >She got her climax.
  1323. “… No, everything’s fine. I hope I was able to please.”
  1324. >”You certainly were.”
  1325. >She quickly hangs up.
  1326. >That was probably your easiest client yet.
  1327. >Still freaky, though.
  1328.  
  1329. ----
  1330.  
  1331. >"Anonymous, I must dare ask, how can you increase my processing was it, power? I hear it helps things go well-- FASTER!"
  1332. >You rub your temples, you expected it from Rainbow Dash, oh you sure as hell did, but from Rarity?!
  1333. >You figured a mare of class would be in to more of the whole, whine, dine, and courtship of romance.
  1334. "Rarity, I already told you like three times, just, please, stop calling already."
  1335. >"Yes, but dear, explain it to me again, I do so love hearing your voice-- I mean your instruction! Aha-ha-ha, I meant instruction."
  1336. >Sure you did.
  1337. >"P-Perhaps you could come over and demonstrate it for me?"
  1338. >Bad idea, you already can hear her rubbing one off as the both of you await your response.
  1339. >Could check with the boss though, maybe get some extra bits for home-repair service?
  1340. >"Than-Than you can turn on my monitor!"
  1341. >Nope fuck that done, you quickly slam the phone staring at it, daring it to ring again.
  1342. >And it does.
  1343. >Your screams are only contested by your boss yelling at you to answer it.
  1344.  
  1345. -----
  1346.  
  1347. "Anon repair services how can I help you today?"
  1348. >"You need to talk some sense into Rarity, Anon! She installed about 30 phones just to call all your new jobs!"
  1349. >Well that explains the various numbers you keep getting from her...
  1350. "Relax Sweetie Belle I am sure sooner or later she will get bored of it."
  1351. >"You don't understand the entire floor is sticky for some reason and I can't even go into her bed room without gagging. Opal is dead and I think I can count my ribs."
  1352. >Jesus, this was getting serious...
  1353. "Ok Sweetie, what I need you to do is go find some Poli-
  1354. >You hear a scuffle and a scream from the other side "No one talks to my Anon but me you little whooooooooooore." Followed by intense sobbing and words of regret.
  1355. >"So sorry about that daring, you know how foals love to make jokes and prank call other ponies. I promise it won't happen again.
  1356. ...
  1357. >"Mmmmm...now please tell all the money I could save by switching to Pongressive."
  1358. >Fucking ponies. Fucking jobs. Fucking life. Life on earth was great compared to this and you lived in a box filled with shit. This was hell and God was indeed mad.
  1359. >Screaming to the ceiling you smack your head against the wall in frustration.
  1360. >Two more hours...
  1361.  
  1362.  
  1363. [Pinkie]
  1364. "Hello and thank you for calling. My name is Anonymous. How may I-"
  1365. >Look over at a list pasted on the side of your cubicle and sigh.
  1366. "Full-filly your fun-tasy today?"
  1367. >"Hi Anon! It's Pinkie Pie!"
  1368. "Pinkie, you know this is anonymous, right?"
  1369. >"Of course I do! You told me you name already, silly."
  1370. "No Pinkie, I mean the service. The service is anonymous."
  1371. >"Whatever you say, Nonny."
  1372. >Sigh.
  1373. >"Well, what can I do for you?"
  1374. >"Can you make me a cake?"
  1375. "Pinkie, this is a sex line, not a delivery service. And aren't you the baker here?"
  1376. >"No silly. I mean make me into a cake." Her voice turns sultry. "And bake me as fast as you can."
  1377. >You hear wet noises from the other side of the line.
  1378. "I ugh... Okay... I set you into the oven, I guess?"
  1379. >"No, no, no. You have to mix the ingredients first."
  1380. "Umm, okay... I get out a bowl and pour some flour, eggs, and-"
  1381. >"Oh yeah, Nonny! Crack my eggs!" she pants.
  1382. "And then I... start whisking?"
  1383. >"Mmm, yeah! Stir me up good!"
  1384. "Then I stick you in the oven..."
  1385. >"Unf, I hope you preheated it first." she moans, echoed by slick sounds.
  1386. "Sure."
  1387. >"Ooh, then what Anon?"
  1388. "Then I... wait 20 minutes?"
  1389. >"Mm, yeah. That's the best part." her voice quivers.
  1390. "And then when you're done I... frost you?"
  1391. >"Yessss Anon, yessssssssssss!"
  1392. >You hear what sounds like a small explosion and a few party noisemakers go off.
  1393. >"Thanks Anon, byee~!"
  1394. >The line goes quiet.
  1395. "The fuck just happened?"
  1396.  
  1397. ----
  1398.  
  1399. >Boop. Your phone gently beeps, signifying a caller.
  1400. >Well fuck. You're gettin' paid at least, right?
  1401. >You press the button.
  1402. "Hello, this is Anonymous; just what can I do for.. or to, you?"
  1403. >Silence.
  1404. >"..."
  1405. >No, wait. You hear breathing. Soft, but heavy enough to be audible.
  1406. >You roll your eyes; once in a while you get a caller that doesn't say anything, just occasionally squeaks and schlicks quietly at your hellos until they hang up.
  1407. >But the breaths get louder and you can hear a voice behind them now.
  1408. >"W-what--Hahh."
  1409. >She pauses for a breath.
  1410. >"What's your f-favorite frosting color?"
  1411. >Whoa whoa what?
  1412. >Your mouth goes on autopilot.
  1413. "Well, I sure am fond of anything *pink.*" You say with a suggestive little lilt.
  1414. >"Y-yeah? Really?"
  1415. >The sounds of wet, sloppy rubs becomes audible, a meaty symphony of lust: breaths and moans and wet, messy rubbing.
  1416. "Oh, absolutely Sugar."
  1417. >A pained groan at being called 'sugar'.
  1418. >"N-now, tell me a s-s.. Unh. Tell me something scary!"
  1419. >Umm.
  1420. "You're walking through a dark and spooky forest.."
  1421. >schlick schlick schlick
  1422. >"Y-yeah?"
  1423. "When all of a sudden.."
  1424. >"Mff. Mhm?"
  1425. "A spooky skeleton jumps out!"
  1426. >"Ohh.. that is scary!"
  1427. >The rubs get more frantic.
  1428. >God, really?
  1429. >"What does it do?" she says between gasps into the receiver.
  1430. "He points at you.."
  1431. >"Mhh-- yeah?"
  1432. "And he says.."
  1433. >"Y-yeah..?!"
  1434. "The ride never ends."
  1435. >"Oh! Ooh gosh, f-forever?"
  1436. >Trying to be foreboding, you nod to your headset.
  1437. "Forever."
  1438. >"MNF. Mnnnng..!"
  1439. >You hear a scream accompanied by the sound of a festive sort of squeak. Like a blast of confetti or something.
  1440. >Rough gasps and grunts can be heard, and a clunk, presumably the phone being dropped. Few moments later; the weird pony hangs up.
  1441. >You need a new fucking job. Too many weirdos call in.
  1442.  
  1443. -----
  1444.  
  1445. "Thank you for calling Moe Lestor's sexy line. I'm Anonymous. How can I service you today?"
  1446. >"Uhm..hello?"
  1447. >Okay we have a lady.
  1448. "Hey sexy. How can I turn you on tonight?"
  1449. >You hear some movement on the other side, as if she's getting comfortable.
  1450. "I'm gonna tell you straight up okay? I'm a famous Internet personality known amongt the "Humie" fandom?"
  1451. >Oh great a pony with unwarranted self importance and infected with GOTIS.
  1452. "Th-that's nice. what can I do for you ms. celeb?"
  1453. >"My handle is April. Call me that."
  1454. >That..sounds familiar.
  1455. "Okay April. what are you looking for tonight?"
  1456. >You hear a zip.
  1457. >"Just tell me you'll pay attention to me."
  1458. >You scratch your head.
  1459. "Oh-okay. I'll read everything you write without question."
  1460. >You hear what sounds like someone drumming their fingers on a defrosted turkey.
  1461. >"Mmmm yeah..Say you'll follow me on trumblr..."
  1462. "I'll make multiple accounts just to be of use to you April."
  1463. >You feel bile rising in your throat for some reason.
  1464. >"I'm claiming credit for taking down your favorite My little Human Trumblr comic! How does that make you feel?!?"
  1465. >More turkey drumming.
  1466. "Angry! I wanna lkurk your page and find out what you're saying!"
  1467. >"Ohh~ Oooh yeah~!"
  1468. "I'm going to go onto a usually repulsed, and resented board and complain about you in threads for weeks on end!"
  1469. >"Haaaaah~! Ahhhhn~!"
  1470. "I'm going to make a page on you on a well-known satirical site, with your real name, address, and parents names! Then me and my friends are going to send you Pizzas and stalk you in public!"
  1471. >"Oh Celestia! I'm so cloooose!~"
  1472. >You resist the urge to vomit.
  1473. "Then I'm going to watch your page for weeks on end until you make another post about how you tried to commit suicide!"
  1474. >"I'm Coming! PURPLETINKEEEER!"
  1475. >Wha-?
  1476. >You hear her heavy breathing on the phone.
  1477. "I hoped you uh-enjoyed that sobering experience April."
  1478. >She pants.
  1479. >"I think you can learn my real name."
  1480. "Okay..I guess."
  1481. >"I'll be sure to call back. My name is Pinkie Pony
  1482.  
  1483.  
  1484. [Fluttershy]
  1485. >The telephone rings again.
  1486. >You let out a sigh.
  1487. "What am I doing with my life?
  1488. "Hello, this is the Anonymous pleasure call center. How may I service you.
  1489. >All you hear are mumbles.
  1490. "Hello, Ma'am? I can't understand you."
  1491. >"H-h-hello."
  1492. >It's Fluttershy, that's a first.
  1493. "Hey there. So what would you like to do?"
  1494. >"I w-want you to hold me and tell me I'm pretty"
  1495. "You are beautiful silly, absolutely gorgeous."
  1496. >"A-and then could you run your fingers through my mane? Maybe give me a k-kiss?"
  1497. "Of course, I'd plant a massive kiss on those cute little lips of yours."
  1498. >You hear her breathing intensify.
  1499. >"Then do you think you could you tell me that you....love me?"
  1500. >You've been ordered to say that you loved a client before but this time it seems off.
  1501. "I don't know ma'am."
  1502. >Fluttershys breathing shifts in manner.
  1503. >What was once heavy breathing is now more hyper ventilating.
  1504. "Calm down, everything is going to be alright."
  1505. >"Anon, I've loved you ever since you came to Ponyville. Please....just say you love me? Just this once?"
  1506. >Your heart sinks.
  1507. >A thought crosses your mind.
  1508. "Is this for real?"
  1509. >You manage to respond.
  1510. "Of- of course I love you. You're so kind and sweet. How could I not?"
  1511. >Her breath halts.
  1512. >"Well then maybe we could.. meet up tomorrow at noon? Sugar cube corner?"
  1513. "Alright Flutters, I'll see you there."
  1514. >"How did you know it was- er I'm not..."
  1515. >Click.
  1516. >A dial-tone plays.
  1517. "I guess I'll talk to you then."
  1518.  
  1519. ----
  1520.  
  1521. >You watch the minutes tick away, one more call should wrap it up for you.
  1522. >Please be normal, please be somewhat sane, oh just please don't scar me anymore than I already am.
  1523. >I beg you!
  1524. >The phone rings, and the silence between rings makes you feel the tension in your nerves.
  1525. >Gotta pay the bills Anon, gotta pay the bills.
  1526. "Hello! And thank you for choosing sexy studs and stallions (Your the only fucker here! And you ain't no horse!), where your pleasure always comes first."
  1527. >"H-Hello? I-I'm sorry, I'm nervous, this is my first time."
  1528. >She sounds cute, she seems to be whispering though.
  1529. "It's not a problem, I cater to all fetishes ma'am, and I am as professional as possible."
  1530. >'Cuz lady, I have heard some shit!
  1531. >"O-Oh, any fetish, really? C-Could you say some sweet things for me? Please?"
  1532. >Oh man, you love this mare. Finally a small sense of normal.
  1533. "Yes my pretty pony."
  1534. >You suddenly hear a squeak of excitement.
  1535. >"P-Please call me your pretty pony again."
  1536. >Oh wow, if she's this sheltered, maybe you can try some suave moves you been wanting to do for awhile since you took this job.
  1537. >Thinking back to all those Pepe-le-Pew cartoons, you thank the mentor you grew up with and turn on the charm.
  1538. "But of course my pretty little pony. I only have eyes for you."
  1539. >She seems to let out a mix between a whinny and a sigh.
  1540. "For you see, I was born to love you, and only you. My passion was ignited for the sole purpose but to be consumed by the mere thought of you."
  1541. >She.. is she breathing heavy?
  1542. "I cannot even love another mare if you were to reject my love, do you not see?"
  1543. >And that is when you hear the phone seem to make a thud.
  1544. >Staring at the receiver you slowly bring your ear to it.
  1545. "Ma'am, Ma'am are you alright? Are you there?"
  1546. >A rushed sound of hooves playing with the phone, and your customer is back on.
  1547. >"Oh, thank you, thank you so much for that."
  1548. >Huh, this job ain't so bad.
  1549.  
  1550. -----
  1551.  
  1552. Aight, thanks for the suggestions based Anons
  1553.  
  1554. >Boss said you had to take a vacation, something about your mental state or something
  1555. >You decide to ring it up to see how well they're doing without you
  1556. >Ring ring
  1557. >"H-hello and welcome to Anonymous Phone Support, how may I help you?"
  1558. >Fluttershy... this gun be good
  1559. "Yes, do you guys do fetishes?"
  1560. >"Y-Yes sir, we cater to every fetish there is"
  1561. "Can you roleplay that I'm a huge ogre?"
  1562. >"O-Ogre?!"
  1563. >Goddamn was she a natural
  1564. "WHAT ARE YE DOIN IN MY SWAMP?!"
  1565. >"E-Eep!"
  1566. >You could hear sobbing through the other end, damn was she professional about the whole 'defenceless mare' act
  1567. "I'M GOIN TA GRIND YA INTO THIN GRUEL"
  1568. >"P-Please d-dont, stay away!"
  1569. >You could really hear her scared breathing from here, damn was this mare good; maybe even better than you
  1570. "PLAY TIME IS OGRE"
  1571. >"N-No!"
  1572. >Click
  1573. >"Thank you for choosing Anonymous Phone Support"
  1574. >The automated voice was new, and Fluttershy was a damned natural
  1575. >She even managed to got you hard, now that you mention it you ought to go visit her to give her a 'prize'
  1576. >After all, she owes you for the shit you put up with her
  1577.  
  1578. -----
  1579.  
  1580. >Ring Ring
  1581. >Sigh, Well this beats the sex-hour of this phone center.
  1582. >Now comes the frequent callers who seem to know you actually work here, and sometimes find an excuse to call.
  1583. "Hello, thank you for calling Anonymous Advice, where we advise you on all things in life. How can I help?"
  1584. >"A-Anonymous? I need somepony to tell me things are alright?"
  1585. "Fluttershy? What happened?"
  1586. >"N-Nothing! I swear! I was just giving him a massage, and--and-- I think I broke him Anon!!"
  1587. >The hell is she talking about?
  1588. "Broke who Fluttershy? Who are you talking about?"
  1589. >"I--I didn't mean to *sob* I just figured it'd be like we always do, and than, he just stopped moving. I don't see him breathing and I've been checking for his heart-beat for the last five minutes."
  1590. >Oh fuck, Oh fuck!
  1591. >Fluttershy just killed someone.
  1592. >Y-You should call the police!
  1593. >No, wait, this is your friend, but isn't this phone-call being recorded?
  1594. >Shit! You could go to jail for this!
  1595. >Calm down Anon, she just said he's not moving, it could be he's just.. faking it?
  1596. >Fuck that's lame!
  1597. "F-Fluttershy, just do as I instruct you, okay?"
  1598. >"*Sniff* O-Okay."
  1599. >Think Anon, Think!
  1600. "I want you to grab a nearby fallen branch, can you do that for me?"
  1601. >You hear a small amount of shuffling before she replies positively.
  1602. "Good, now I want you to take that, and poke him in some tender or ticklish spots."
  1603. >"W-What?! Won't that hurt him?!"
  1604. >If he's dead it won't matter dumbass!
  1605. >Do I look like a doctor?!
  1606. >This is just advice, not how to revive a dead pony!
  1607. "J-Just listen to my advice Fluttershy, you never know."
  1608. >She gives you a very wary okay, and proceeds to do so.
  1609. >After almost fifteen seconds of agonizing silence and than she gives a gasp.
  1610. >"H-He's moving! Oh thank goodness, he's moving."
  1611. "Good, now I want you to listen to me."
  1612. >"What is it Anon, OH I cannot thank you enough, I'll do anything."
  1613. "Really? Than-- STOP CALLING ME!!"
  1614. >And you slam the phone down.
  1615.  
  1616.  
  1617. [Trixie]
  1618. Welcome to fun n' sexy phonelines
  1619. >THE GREAT AND HORNY TRIXIE DEMANDS YOU PLEASURE HER ORALLY
  1620. I don't think i can do that, we don't actually come to you-
  1621. >Trixie means talk dirty to her you simpleton.
  1622. Oh
  1623. >Ugh, the great trixie does not know why she does this, it is a privilege to talk to her! You should be paying ME for this!
  1624. Sure... so what do you want me to do?
  1625. >Just state the obvious of course!
  1626. You mean?
  1627. >TELL ME I AM AMAZING.Which i am, of course.
  1628. You are so amazing, you are simply the greatest and most powerful being in the world.
  1629. >MMMMMMF yes, oh this pleases the great and powerful trixie greatly!
  1630. Do you want me to-
  1631. >DID THE GREAT AND POWERFUL TRIXIE TELL YOU TO STOP?
  1632. Ugh....you are so amazing.... and pretty...
  1633. You start to hear the sounds of Trixie pleasuring herself.... and holy fuck she must be going a million miles an hour
  1634. >YES I AM AMAZING AREN'T I? *slick slick slick* FUCKING AMAZING!
  1635. You sure are miss, simply amazing
  1636. >TOUCH YOURSELF TO ME!
  1637. Why do the ponies always fucking yell
  1638. But you have a job to do....
  1639. You whip out your dick and start doing the deed
  1640. Ok what now?
  1641. >SAY MY NAME IDIOT
  1642. Oh trixie, you are so sexy and powerful
  1643. >OH YEEEES!
  1644. Your actually kind of getting off to this a litttle, sure she's crazy, but at least she isn't making any sort of ridiculous requ-
  1645. >NOW TELL ME HOW MUCH YOU LOVE PINE CONES
  1646. What
  1647. >AND HOW MUCH YOU DISTRUST WHEELS
  1648. WHAT
  1649. >TELL ME
  1650. ..... oh trixie you are so great and powerful, and i hate wheels and love pine cones.
  1651. >I FUCKING LOVE PINECONES
  1652. ....good to hear
  1653. > I REALLY LO- AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
  1654. That definitely wasn't a yell of pleasure
  1655. Ma'am are you ok
  1656. >.... trixie does not like pine cones so much anymore
  1657. Everything ok?
  1658. >YES! ow.... trixie just... needs to go to the emergency room..... you... you wouldn't happen to know how to dislodge a pine cone from.... uhh....
  1659. .... miss did you get a pine cone stuck in your
  1660. >NO. TRIXIE WILL BE BACK. AND YOU WILL TELL NOONE WHAT YOU HEARD.
  1661. *click*
  1662. fucking ponies
  1663.  
  1664.  
  1665. [Cheerilee]
  1666. >Day 7
  1667. >Phone rings.
  1668. >And rings.
  1669. >And rings.
  1670. >Please Celestia, let this be the day you die.
  1671. "Good evening, this is Anonymous Pleasure. I'm Anon, the steed that needs to feed you my seed.
  1672. >God damnit...
  1673. >"Yes, hi?" a slightly deep, yet dulcet feminine voice carries itself across the wire.
  1674. >Sounds like an older mare. Maybe today will be a good day after all.
  1675. "Yes Miss. What can I do for you this evening?"
  1676. >"Well, I... I umm... I have this role play idea I'd like to act out, if that's okay."
  1677. "Of course, ma'am. I'm quite adept at role play. What did you have in mind?"
  1678. >There's a short pause as the mare takes a deep breath. "It's a bit embarrassing..."
  1679. "Go on, Miss. Everything here is strictly between us."
  1680. >"Well, if you say so. I'd like it if I could pretend to be your tutor."
  1681. >You smirk. Kinky.
  1682. "Alright Miss, I think I see where you're going with this. How old should I be?"
  1683. >"Oh! Umm... a young colt, please."
  1684. "A young colt? But what could a colt possibly need a tutor for?"
  1685. >"Oh, you're right! This is so silly. I'll just figure something else out."
  1686. >Your boss' cash sense goes off and he glares at you from across the office.
  1687. "No, no! It's fine. I'm sorry. It's your fantasy, Miss...?"
  1688. >"Cheeri- err... Happy...bruce?"
  1689. >You barely manage to stifle your giggle before you switch pitch and begin.
  1690.  
  1691. "So Miss Happybruce, what are you going to teach me today?"
  1692. >"Well, little Anon, I thought we could start with a little pop quiz concerning what we learned last time."
  1693. "Okay, Miss Bruce, but I might not remember..."
  1694. >"That's okay, Anon. Just do your best. Do you remember what apple plus apple is?"
  1695. "Uhh... two apples?"
  1696. >There's a faint clap from the other end of the phone. "That's good, Anon."
  1697. >She follows with a light moan. "Very~ good."
  1698. "Heh... thanks..."
  1699. >"Now how about the name of the forest outside Ponyville?"
  1700. "It's the Eva... Ever..."
  1701. >You purposefully stumble, leading your partner on for a moment.
  1702. >Her lewd sopping quiets for a bit as she hangs on your next word.
  1703. "The Everfree, right?"
  1704. >"Ooooh, yessssssss! That's so good, Anon! You're so smart!"
  1705. "Hah... yay..."
  1706. >Her breathing is heavy and labored. She's close.
  1707. >"Oh Anon! Did you practice your colo-coloring while I was a-away?"
  1708. "I uhh... I sure did Miss Bruce. Here, let me show you."
  1709. >"Oh Celestia, the colors! And you stayed in the linessssssss!"
  1710. >Her whinnies of climax cause you to pull your headset away as you her tidal wave to ebb.
  1711. >A handful of seconds later, she's regained enough of her composure to speak again.
  1712. >"Oh, thank you Anon. That was... just wonderful."
  1713. >You smile and crack your penis knuckles.
  1714. "Anything for a hard-working teacher-mare."
  1715. >"I'll call back on Friday."
  1716. "Have a nice day, ma'am."
  1717.  
  1718. [Chrysalis]
  1719. Thank you for ca-
  1720. >Be silent! Your queen speeks!
  1721. ...
  1722. >...Sorry...I am new at this...
  1723. ...
  1724. >*wet masturbation sound effects*
  1725. ...wait...Chrisalis?
  1726. >Talk to me! Tell me all the naughty things you would do to me!
  1727. ...Well I-
  1728. >Tell me you love me! *sounds of loud moaning can be heard through the phone followed by uncontrollable sobbing*
  1729. wut?
  1730. >*hangup*
  1731. Fucking crazy bug horse...
  1732.  
  1733. ----
  1734.  
  1735. >Ring a ding ding baby
  1736. "I'm going insane, this job will be the death of me."
  1737. >Ring ring
  1738. "Hey there, you're talking with the hotnominal Anon-"
  1739. >Long drawn out hiss
  1740. >It slithers into your ear and crawls down your spine.
  1741. >"Huuuuumaaaaaaan"
  1742. >Its a long drawn out sigh, you can feel the sticky heat behind it.
  1743. >"My body is swollen and full of eggs, will you fertilize my eggs for me human?"
  1744. >You swallow hard.
  1745. "O-of course I would..."
  1746. >"C-call my your queen..."
  1747. >You hear impossibly loud slicking wet noises.
  1748. >Soft wet pops,
  1749. >Splurt
  1750. "Y-yes my queen.."
  1751. >"W-will you feed me w-with you love..and you s-seed?"
  1752. >Heavy hissing breaths.
  1753. >The clicking of insect like wings
  1754. >"W-will you be there as i lay o-our young, sustaining yourself on my r-royal jelly?"
  1755. >Blort
  1756. >You pull the phone away and dry heave.
  1757. "Y-yes my queen, anything for you."
  1758. >"Ugh~ Nggg.."
  1759. >Splurt.
  1760. >SPLAT
  1761. >"Ahh...thank you human....Expect me again"
  1762. >Cackling
  1763. >Click
  1764. "Fucking christ.."
  1765.  
  1766. -----
  1767.  
  1768. >You plop down on your chair with a heavy sigh.
  1769. >Another day, another barrage of mind rape.
  1770. >After 20 minutes the phone rings and you pick it up.
  1771. "Hey there, you're talking with Anormous, how can I satisfy yo-"
  1772. >Hisssssss
  1773. >Oh god please not again.
  1774. "H-hello my queen.."
  1775. >You hear a soft wobbly moan
  1776. >"M-my human remembers me..."
  1777. >You hear long slow slicks
  1778. >and a couple small splats, like water droplets.
  1779. "I-I could never forget my queen."
  1780. >No matter how much alcohol I down.
  1781. >"I can't stop thinking.. of my little human."
  1782. >She coo's.
  1783. >It would have almost been sweet if her voice didn't feel like molasses in your ear.
  1784. >Better hurry this up.
  1785. "Wh-what would my queen like me to do?"
  1786. >"...hold still."
  1787. >Wait wut?
  1788. >A lime green hole cracks open in front of you.
  1789. "F-FUCKING WH-"
  1790. >A long black limb zips out, curling around your head and pulling you forward.
  1791. >Her face emerges from the opening, licking her lips hungrily, a thin purple watery goop dripping from her maw.
  1792. >She plants her lips on your, slipping her long slime coated tongue into your mouth along with large splurts of whatever that purple goo was.
  1793. >You try desperately to pull away from the large black insect horse, trying not to swallow the vile liquid.
  1794. >Her grip on you tightens, more and more, you're certain she was going to break your neck.
  1795. "This is it, this is how I die."
  1796. >You think to yourself.
  1797. >Finally she goes lax, letting you slip out of her grasp. You jump back, breathing heavy, wiping at your violated mouth.
  1798. >"Whats the matter human~?"
  1799. >She gives you a smirk, viscous green slime seeping from the portal.
  1800. >"Didn't like my royal jelly? You will...eventually"
  1801. >She cackles and slips backwards into the hole, sealing it with a sickening squelch.
  1802. >You drop to your knees and hold your stomach.
  1803. >And then you puke.
  1804.  
  1805.  
  1806. [Coco Pommel]
  1807. Good evening, miss. And welcome to fun n' sexy phonelines. How may I be of service to you tonight, baby?
  1808. >O-oh! G-good e-e-e-evening... ummm
  1809. Is this your first time, miss?
  1810. >W-w-well y-y-yeah I-I-
  1811. Shh... It's okay. Just relax... That's what I'm here for.
  1812. >S-sorry just... not used to this...
  1813. That's completely understandable. So should I take the lead with some vanilla?
  1814. >U-umm actually... do you do scenarios?
  1815. Of course, miss. What do you have in mind?
  1816. >W-well. You're a newbie fashion designer working in Manehattan. I'm your boss, Mistress Coco... th-thats not really my real name, just to clear things up... You're name's Suri. You're a mare with a light purple coat and a deeper purple curly mane. And know I'm asking you to bring me my morning coffee.
  1817. That's...oddly specific...
  1818. >U-umm can you do your voice like a mare please?
  1819. You mean like... #like this?#
  1820. >Yes that's good. So... where's my coffee Suri?
  1821. #Oh here it is Ms. Coco.#
  1822. >What did you fucking call me!?
  1823. Woah, easy on th-
  1824. >I said WHAT. DID. YOU. FUCKING. CALL. ME?!
  1825. #Ahmm....ahh...Ms...Coco...?#
  1826. >Where's the mistress?
  1827. #I...ah...#
  1828. >SPEAK UP, BITCH!
  1829. #Umm, I'm sorry my mind's so stressed designing all those fabrics you wanted and I just-#
  1830. >Did I ask you for your lifestory?!
  1831. #N-no Ms- MISTRESS! Mistress Coco#
  1832. >YOU DON'T HAVE THE RIGHT TO ADDRESS ME BY NAME, YOU WORM!
  1833. #I'm sorry mistress! -sob-#
  1834. >You're lucky I even took you under my wing, you ungrateful pig. What would you be doing otherwise?
  1835. #-sniff- I w-would be eating rats off the dumpster if it -sob- weren't for your generosity -sob-#
  1836. >You're right! You would be... Hold on... Umm... Are you actually crying?
  1837. #P-p-please forgive me, mistress...-sob- I didn't mean to be so rude...-sob-#
  1838. >Umm...We can stop now if you-
  1839. #No! P-please don't fire -sob- me, Mistress. I need this job! P-please...#
  1840. >Umm.. I
  1841. #My mother's in -sob- hospital. I -sob- have kids to feed#
  1842. >Um...
  1843. #I'll do anything, mistress!#
  1844. >Um...I think... um, g-goodnight.
  1845. -click-
  1846. #Mistress? Mistress!?#
  1847.  
  1848.  
  1849. [Gilda]
  1850. Thank you for calling pone bone one. We satisfy all your fantasies no matter how shameful.
  1851. >Holy shit dweeb you ACTUALLY work for one of these shifty phone lines
  1852. oh fuck...her...
  1853. Listen ma'am we don't take kindly to shit talkers here so if you aren't gonna use our services hang up please.
  1854. >W-wait... I... wanted to try...
  1855. wha...o-okay. holy crap... well... what's your fetish?
  1856. >... d-diapers...
  1857. Are you shitting me?
  1858. >S-Shut up! Just do whatever it is you do already!
  1859. okay... um, I'm slipping into the... diaper... it's soft against my genitals.
  1860. >mmm~ roll around in it, I wanna hear your skin rubbing against it
  1861. shit. quick crinkle that wrapper anon!
  1862. Rough growling and wet rubbing noises can be heard at the other end of the line
  1863. >Now call me mama you worm! Tell me how you'd die if I weren't there to take care of you!
  1864. w-wait wha-
  1865. >Tell me you need me! Dammit!
  1866. I'd di-
  1867. Sobs can be heard before a sudden crash kills the line.
  1868. Fucking griffon bullshit
  1869.  
  1870. ------
  1871.  
  1872. "Thank you for calling beef cake call center, how may I service you?"
  1873. >"Listen dweeb, I don't need this. I'm just curious is all."
  1874. >Jeez.
  1875. "Alright ma'am. So, how can I pleasure you."
  1876. >"Do you think you could... Maybe... Scratch me behind my ears?"
  1877. "I uh- I could do that, then what?"
  1878. >"Then could you rub under my beak?"
  1879. >Beak?
  1880. "Uh, of course ma'am."
  1881. >"Tell me I'm a pretty cat."
  1882. "You're such a pretty cat."
  1883. >Light purring can be heard over the phone, as well as wet slapping noises.
  1884. >"Tell me what you would if I was your cat?"
  1885. "I'd uh. I'd feed you, and I'd rub your belly and we would chase each other."
  1886. >Moaning on the other end, she must be liking this.
  1887. "Then I'd scratch your rump and cuddle you, because your my precious kitty."
  1888. >The moaning and purring intensifies until finally.
  1889. >"SQUAWK!"
  1890. "OH GOD!"
  1891. >For a moment there is only silence.
  1892. >"Tell no one."
  1893. >The phone line disconnects.
  1894.  
  1895. Fucking cat-birds
  1896.  
  1897. -------
  1898.  
  1899. >Phone rings.
  1900. "Hello, this is Anonymous Pleasure. How may I satisfy your needs today?"
  1901. >"Hahaha! What a dweeby voice you have!"
  1902. >Oh great...
  1903. "Well then, let's just get to it then, shall we?"
  1904. >"Hmm, I don't know if I can get off to NERDS!"
  1905. >More laughing.
  1906. "I'm sorry, Miss. If I'm not going to be satisfactory, perhaps I could transfer you to another operator?"
  1907. >"NO!" -ahem- "I- I mean... I'm always up for a challenge..."
  1908. "Right... So what's your fetish?"
  1909. >"Woah, woah! Slow down there, dingus. H-How about some romance first?"
  1910. "Okay... So I'll come over with some flowers and a box of-"
  1911. >"Sardines!"
  1912. "Sure. And we can go out-"
  1913. >"No, no. Let's stay inside."
  1914. "Alright, fine. We can light some candles and-"
  1915. >"And curl up on the windowsill when the sun hits it just right." she moans softly.
  1916. "Uhh... okay..."
  1917. >"And after dinner we can get physical."
  1918. "Alright. I'll start unbuttoning-"
  1919. >"I'll give you a laser pointer and you can shine it anywhere you want."
  1920. "Ooh yeah, I- Wait, what?"
  1921. >"And I'll chase it and chase it." Her voice jumps up a pitch.
  1922. "Uhh..."
  1923. >"And... and then I'll curl up in your lap and you can scratch behind my ears."
  1924. "Sure... I'll scratch all you want."
  1925. >There's some heavy breathing and then a tense, shrill gasp.
  1926. >After a few moments you hear what you think might be... purring?
  1927. >Anon, that was amaz- I mean... I guess that was worth it."
  1928. "Right... Have a nice night, Miss."
  1929. >"Later. Dweeb..."
  1930.  
  1931. [live cam shows]
  1932. > Your perverse boss have been suggesting you to do live cam shows for a few weeks now.
  1933. > You didn't really think of it at the time until you walked into the office to find it had a new make over.
  1934. > The office has been converted into a bed room, well almost.
  1935. > It composed of a camera, a computer and bed with a microphone and a keyboard.
  1936.  
  1937. >After a few arguments with the boss you tried make it clear this is crossing the line.
  1938. >You tried leaving the job also, but you were quickly taken to court due to something you signed.
  1939. >Apparently you signed a contract stating you're boss has ownership over you.
  1940. >You tried to defend yourself in court saying it was slavery, but the courts deemed the contract legal.
  1941. >You guess the court was rigged, as Celestia herself was the judge of the case.
  1942. >That fucking sun horse.
  1943.  
  1944. >You sit down on the bed in the 'office'.
  1945. >There's nothing you much you can do now, at least the boss still pays you and still get holidays.
  1946. >You turn on the camera and check the connections.
  1947. > Everything seems ok.
  1948. > This will be you first show, you never felt so degraded in all your life.
  1949. > "You're live in...3..2..." You here the boss as he makes the way to the door. "1"
  1950. > You watch the computer monitor off that's off camera.
  1951. > Nop0ny has joined the chat!
  1952. > Hopefully this will be a failure, you think to yourself.
  1953.  
  1954. [Humanlove69 has joined the chat]
  1955.  
  1956. >You feel your heart sink as you read over the words across the screen.
  1957. >You put on a fake smile
  1958. "Hi human love sixty nine! If you want to see some hot monkey action please place a bid for a private show in 30 minutes."
  1959.  
  1960. Humanlove69: omg anon!
  1961. Humanlove69: brb gotta make a few calls.
  1962.  
  1963. "huh?"
  1964. >You hope she doesn't come back as you can guess who lurks behind that screen name.
  1965.  
  1966. [schoolmistress22 has joined the chat]
  1967. [xXbonXx has joined the chat]
  1968. [Mintyfreshness has joined the chat]
  1969. [angelbuns777 has joined the chat]
  1970.  
  1971. >You curse the name of that green horse as you watch the connecting users join.
  1972.  
  1973. [Gemgirlhas joined the chat]
  1974. [luckyrose has joined the chat]
  1975. [mrslovecake has joined the chat]
  1976. [Diztydoodle has joined the chat]
  1977. [ilovebooks has joined the chat]
  1978. [THISISNOTLUNA has joined the chat]
  1979.  
  1980. >You grit you teeth, but you swallow your pride and pressed on.
  1981. "Hi welcome to the show please bid if you want to see a private show in 20 minutes."
  1982.  
  1983. Diztydoodle: Hi guys, do any of you want to trade items, or go on a quest?
  1984.  
  1985.  
  1986. [Scoots]
  1987. "This is the Hot Line, how may l make your night?"
  1988. >"Hi!"
  1989. "Oh, you sound eager there young mare, what can Anon do for you?"
  1990. >"I don't know, the usual stuff?"
  1991. "The simple pleasures are the finest, aren't they? Let's start off slow and sweet?"
  1992. >"Ok! I, uh, kiss you?"
  1993. "Yes love, no sooner do our lips meet than my tongue is in your mouth wres-"
  1994. >"Ew"
  1995. "What?"
  1996. >"I'm sorry keep going please"
  1997. "Skipping the kissing l run my hands down your neck and shoulders, rubbing deeply into your muscles the way only my fingers can. All the stress and worry of your day melts away in the heat of the moment, passionate kisses pepper your neck as l embrace you tightly. Race, love?"
  1998. >"P-Pegasus mister..."
  1999. "My hands stroke your delicate wings-"
  2000. >"They're really big"
  2001. "Even my long arms can't grasp the tips of your mighty wingspan, they would shame even a griffon. I trace down into the joints and again massage them in a way no spa pony ever could-"
  2002. >"M-my wings, they're really big and beautiful Ok?"
  2003. >She sounds flustered, her tom boyish voice squeaking
  2004. "Aren't they? As beautiful as the sunrise, so magnificent and glorious even the Princess herself feels jealousy. You are a goddess among pegasus my wonderful made, and l'm blessed to take you tonight."
  2005. >A small pause, her breathing is quick and flustered but she offers nothing more
  2006. "As l hold you tightly, massaging your glorious wingspread with my hands, our bodies are pressed tightly together, you feel my heat rising against your stomach. I cannot resist you any more, love, I simply must have you now."
  2007. >"O-ok, like, sex right?"
  2008. "Yes, love. As l lead you up the stairs by wingtip to the bedroom overlooking the beach l have only one question: top or bottom?"
  2009. >"Of what? Bunk beds?"
  2010. >You would think this was a prank call by now but she isn't laughing. Rather, she sounds appropriately embarrassed and flustered.
  2011. "No, love. Just lay on the bed, the answer is clear to me."
  2012. >"U-uh Ok sorry, l'm on the bed now."
  2013.  
  2014. >You can almost feel the heat of her blushing from this end of the phone
  2015. "You look so beautiful laying there on the white sheets, your impressive wings hanging carelessly off the sides of the bed. Are you comfortable telling me your coat color?"
  2016. >"Orange, sir."
  2017. "Of course, your creamy orange coat matches the sunset in the window behind you perfectly. You look like a work of art, a painting, of a made so beautiful she could only be a dream.'
  2018. >"T-thank you"
  2019. "You seem to be a young-'
  2020. >"No!"
  2021. "-mature made, yet, so innocent. Tell me, you've never done this before, have you?"
  2022. >"I-I've been to the beach..."
  2023. "You sound like a virgin, love."
  2024. >"W-what is a virgin?"
  2025. >You bury your face in your hands.
  2026. "Before we make love, dear, how old are you?"
  2027. >She gasps as though jabbed by a needle
  2028. >"Uh- twenty!"
  2029. "Ok, love, are you ready to cum?
  2030. >Fantasy set aside, you become crass
  2031. >"Y-yeah"
  2032. "What is 'cum' darling?"
  2033. >"..."
  2034. "Kid l know you must be feeling confused and stressed out right now but this isn't the kind of place you should be calling to-"
  2035. >Click
  2036. "Goodnight kid, stay safe..."
  2037.  
  2038. -----
  2039.  
  2040. >You try to go lull yourself to sleep, you doubt anyone is awake at this time
  2041. >Ring ring
  2042. >You were proven wrong
  2043. "Hello and welcome to Anonymous Phone Support, how may I help you?"
  2044. >"T-This is just between you and me, right?"
  2045. >A newcomer, and finally a mare. Although she sounded a bit young, you didn't mind
  2046. "Of course ma'am, this call is strictly between you and me"
  2047. >"*sniff* C-Can you say how much you like my flying?"
  2048. "Wow, you're so good at flying. I bet you can go as fast as Rainbow Dash!"
  2049. >"Wow! You really think so?"
  2050. "Yeah. Maybe you'll even get in the Wonderbolts!"
  2051. >"THE WONDERBOLTS?!"
  2052. >You can hear her wings flutter from over here, you couldn't help but chuckle
  2053. >It was obvious at this point that she was but a little filly, but as long as it doesn't get elicit you might as well continue
  2054. "Of course, if they don't accept you it'll just be a loss to them"
  2055. >"B-But I can't *sniff* fly..."
  2056. >Shit
  2057. "No no, don't cry little filly. Look at the bright side, maybe you'll be able to fly later on"
  2058. >You can hear the flapping of wings, but never the sound of her taking flight
  2059. >"*sniff*W-What's wrong with me?! All the other fillies can fly, why can't I!?"
  2060. "Relax, nothing is wrong with you little filly. Maybe if you try hard enough you ca-"
  2061. >"EARN MY CUTIE MARK AT FLYING! Thanks mister!"
  2062. >She drops the phone on the floor as the sound of flapping wings are heard once more
  2063. >"I'm doing it! I'm flyi- Aaaaah!"
  2064. >You could hear a loud thud and a sickening crack, followed by a loud but weak groan
  2065. >Shit man, you put down the phone as you start dialing the emergency number as fast as you can
  2066.  
  2067. >You dial back the number she called with in hopes to get news from the situation
  2068. >The unmistakable sound of sirens are heard
  2069. >"I don't think she's going to make it!"
  2070. >Your heart sinks as you drop down the phone, you can still hear the dialogue from here
  2071. >"Stay with us, breath!"
  2072. >Tears begin to roll down your cheeks as the sound of loud grunts are heard through the phone
  2073. >You hear a weak cough and a barely audible mumble
  2074. >Your phone rings once more, instinctively you put the first number on hold
  2075. >"Hello? Is this Anonymous Phone Support?"
  2076. "Yeah"
  2077. >"A friend would like to have a word with you"
  2078. >You can hear some shuffling
  2079. >"A-Anon...?"
  2080. "Y-Yes little little filly?"
  2081. >"T-Thank you...."
  2082. >You hear her give off a cough, as the sound of her already low breathing dissipates
  2083. >"SHE'S NOT BREATHING!"
  2084. >Click
  2085. >You drop down the phone as you begin to uncontrollably sob
  2086. "G-God dammit... I need a drink..."
  2087.  
  2088.  
  2089. [Silver Spoon]
  2090. >You take a drink of the cold, strong coffee and take a bite of stale doughnut
  2091. >You silently pray for deliverance
  2092. >Jesus Christ, or Celestia or any higher power to save you
  2093. >Doesn't matter, no one will heed your calls
  2094. >At this rate your pretty sure they would force you in a threesome if they did respond
  2095. >The phone rings
  2096. >God, are you there? It's Anon.
  2097. 'Welcome to "Whose Sex Line Is It Anyway?" where everything's made up but your pleasure does matter.
  2098. >Hello?'
  2099. >It's a filly, a really young one at that
  2100. >You look towards your boss in disbelief
  2101. >He gives a hooves up
  2102. >Greedy bastard's taking lunch money from fillies now
  2103. >Eh, not like you're going anywhere worth while after you die anyway
  2104. 'So, what's your name, you sexy mare.'
  2105. >She gasps and seems flustered
  2106. >Yep, going to pony and human hell. Like 32 different flavors of hell.
  2107. >'Silver Spo- Fork. Silver fork'
  2108. >Silver Spoon? You vaguely remember seeing her around town, always with that cunt Diamond Tiara
  2109. >Decide to keep it professional
  2110. >'So what are you wearing, Silver?'
  2111. >'My necklace and my glasses.'
  2112. 'That all?'
  2113. >'Yes'
  2114. >she's already starting to breathe heavily
  2115. 'Well, I'm wearin-'
  2116. >'Your wearing a tiara and that’s it.'
  2117. >Her voice is unusually firm
  2118. 'So, what do you want me to do?'
  2119. >'Um, I want you to m-make fun of me.'
  2120. >Back to a submissive little pony like that
  2121. >you decide to take it easy on her, she's a kid after all
  2122. 'You four-eyed loser, I don't know why you even bother with that tacky necklace, it doesn't make you look any prettier. Nothing will.'
  2123. >She whimpers and you fall silent
  2124. >'K-keep going anon, meaner.'
  2125. >This is one twisted girl
  2126. 'The blank flanks are cooler than you.'
  2127. >A moan, of both anger and arousal
  2128. 'At least they have cooler hair and not some stupid, boring little rat tail.'
  2129. 'You think you have the right to hang out with me? I don't even think we should be friends.'
  2130. >Dead silence
  2131.  
  2132. >Great now you've gone t-
  2133. >The other end of the line explodes in a scream
  2134. >'You dummy! You never appreciate me, I put up with all of your stuff and this ishow you treat me? How about I shut that big mouth of yours?'
  2135. 'What are you doing?'
  2136. >'Shutting you up like I should've a long time ago'
  2137. >You put on the company's complimentary ball gag
  2138. 'Mmgh mm mm'
  2139. >'Yeah that's right, not so big now, huh?'
  2140. >'All those times we fought I let you win.'
  2141. Her voice drops to a sultry whisper
  2142. >'Well, now who's on top now?'
  2143. >You groan again through the ball gag
  2144. >'Struggle all you want, I bet somepony wishes she stayed for the knot tying lesson at filly scouts instead of ditching her friend.'
  2145. >There's a crack of a whip
  2146. >As more follow you make noises like you're struggling while yelping at every 'hit'
  2147. >'Lookie here, the little precious princess can't take a bit of punishment.'
  2148. >'Don't worry, I'll make it all better.' she cooed
  2149. >She's moaning and sloppily licking something now
  2150. >You squeal in surprise and pleasure
  2151. >'You like that?'
  2152. >'I wonder what your daddy would think of his little girl tied up and helpless?'
  2153. >Another moan
  2154. >the ball gag does make these phone calls much easier
  2155. >'I bet he would love to join in, just to get you to shut up for a bit.'
  2156. >Holy fuck, is she into this.
  2157. >'Maybe next time, you'll just have to settle for this instead.'
  2158. >you hear the rattle and clipping of a strap-on
  2159. >You renew your struggle and start moaning
  2160. >'You like it? This enchanted strap-on is worth every penny of your stupid gift money you give me every year instead of actually buying me a present.'
  2161. >She starts grunting and you hear the sound of her shoving against something made of cloth, most likely a pillow. Maybe a life sized plush.
  2162. >'You dirty little filly, you want this. I know you do, I can feel it whenever I move.'
  2163. >You make gasps in pace with her thrusts and you hear her grunts get more and more intense.
  2164. >'I- i love you Diamond Tiara!'
  2165. >She starts to push slower, getting ready for climax
  2166.  
  2167. >You hear a banging at a door and a filly yelling through on the other end
  2168. >'Silver Spoon, I'm bored. Lets go make fun of the orphans.'
  2169. >'Can you give me a couple of minutes, please?'
  2170. >You can hear her quickly getting the strap-on off
  2171. >'Nope, bored now.'
  2172. >The door slams open
  2173. >'Ew, it smells funny in here, open a window or something'
  2174. >'S-sure Diamond.'
  2175. >The dominance is gone from Silver Spoon's voice
  2176. >'Ugh, you're hair looks awful, I can't be seen with somepony that can't even take care of herself.'
  2177. >'I'll clean up quick.'
  2178. >You feel bad for her
  2179. >'I'm so tired of having to have to carry you all the time, makes me wonder why we're even-
  2180. >There's a commotion in the room
  2181. >'Silver Spoon! Untie me you stupid little-'
  2182. >She's interrupted by something being shoved inside her mouth.
  2183. >Silver Spoon's smooth, husky voice is back
  2184. >'Hey Anon, thanks for the help but I don't think I need you any more.'
  2185. *Click*
  2186. >You should invest in a self flagellation kit.
  2187.  
  2188.  
  2189. [Diamond Tiara]
  2190. "Thank you for calling mike hunt's sexy chat hotline-"
  2191. >Mike Hunt. Seriously.
  2192. "I'm Anonymous, what can I do to turn you on?
  2193. >You say that in the most monotone way possible.
  2194. >"Oh my gosh! I can't believe I'm calling this line and talking to a hot mess like you!"
  2195. >Da fuck?
  2196. >"What's with your voice? It's all light and girly sounding! Am I really talking to a male?"
  2197. "Ma'am with all due respect, you called me. Do you want my services or not?"
  2198. >The phone is quiet for a while.
  2199. >You hear a puff of breath.
  2200. >"Fiiiiine.
  2201. "Good! Now what can I do to TURN YOU ON."
  2202. >"Do you do..uhm...daddyplay?"
  2203. >Like pretend to be her dad?
  2204. "Uhm..sure..I can do that."
  2205. >"Well then start! Idiot."
  2206. >You scowl at the tone of this rude bitch.
  2207. "Uhm..ah..You are my precious little girl. You mean the world to me."
  2208. >You hear some ruffling on the other side.
  2209. >"I didn't say stop prose!"
  2210. "Shit..uhm..I want to lavish you in gifts, my beautiful darling child."
  2211. >"Mhmm...Do you love me daddy?"
  2212. "Yes. Daddy loves you so much baby."
  2213. >More ruffling, and the sound of what could be described as putting your fist into a jar of mayonaise, over and over.
  2214. >"Tell me you'll buy me a new dress!"
  2215. "The finest. Decorated with the finest jewels from saddle arabia."
  2216. >"Uh huh...uhhnnnn~"
  2217. >She's really going at it.
  2218. >It sounds like a national geographic special on the phone.
  2219. >"Can I bring my friend over for a visit?"
  2220. "Only if you want baby. I want to hog you all to myself though."
  2221. >The mayo jar sounds get louder.
  2222. >"You'll pay attention to me?"
  2223. "All my attention."
  2224. >"You'll scold me when I'm bad? Spank me when I'm naughty?"
  2225. >Eh?
  2226. "I'll be the best father I can be."
  2227. >You hear sniffling.
  2228. >"You'll come to my birthday parties, and listen to me tell you about my day after school..?"
  2229. "Of course honey."
  2230. >She weeps a little on the line.
  2231. >"Am I your princess..(sob)..?"
  2232. "My only. Forever and ever."
  2233. >You hear a little sob.
  2234. >"Thank you daddy."
  2235. >Your heart hurts.
  2236. "Daddy loves his little princess."
  2237. >"I love you too, daddy."
  2238. >She hangs up.
  2239.  
  2240.  
  2241. [Apple Bloom]
  2242. >be Anon
  2243. >be at phone sex line thingy
  2244. >you can't fucking believe this
  2245. >Apple Bloom actually got a fucking job here
  2246. >you didn't want to come but her goddamn sad puppy eyes tore you apart
  2247. >Apple Bloom is reading a few slips of paper that her new boss has given her to instruct her what to do
  2248. >the phone rings
  2249. >"Anon, ah dunno if ah'll sound kinky!" she says nervously.
  2250. >"You'll be fine," you deadpan.
  2251. >she slowly picks up the phone
  2252. >"Hey thay're...sexy," she starts off.
  2253. >you can just hear the pony on the other end of the line. It sounds like a stallion to you.
  2254. >"Whah sure, hot stuff. Ah kin cater to yer..." she stops to look at the paper for the right word, "...fetish."
  2255. >you sneak a bit closer to hear the stallion
  2256. >"Uh-huh."
  2257. >...
  2258. >"Whut's a scat fetish?"
  2259. >oh no he didn't...
  2260. >[sides.exe has stopped working...]
  2261. >you watch as Apple Bloom flips to the page of alphabetized fetishes and traces her hoof to the right one.
  2262. >[Anon can check 4chan for a solution to the problem.]
  2263. >you can actually see her eyes widen.
  2264. >"GYAH! EW EW EW EW!" she screams, juggling the phone in her hooves before slamming it back down.
  2265. >into the trash your sides go
  2266. >"Anon...ah don't wanna work here no more," she shudders.
  2267.  
  2268.  
  2269.  
  2270. [Babs seed]
  2271. Thanks for calling whoresing aroun'. This studly voice is your handy man. How may I service YOU tonight?
  2272. >um...ahh...
  2273. Miss? no need to be afraid of me.
  2274. >*distant voice* c'mon Babs! You lost the bet. Now ya gotta talk to 'im!
  2275. >Uh...hi?
  2276. ...
  2277. >...
  2278. Babs seed?
  2279. >damnityoudumbapewhyareyousobuckinhotineedyourdick!
  2280. >*A.B. laughs in the background*
  2281. *hang up* And I have a boner...damn kids...
  2282.  
  2283.  
  2284. [Roseluck]
  2285. >"Anonymous! Phone! Now!"
  2286. > even though you are supposed to be on break, your personal ringing hell beckons you return.
  2287. "Yes sir!"
  2288. > your boss is an ass. Literally. Apparently in equestria assholes tend to be asses.
  2289. > who knew.
  2290. > you pick up the phone, only to hear the dial tone a second later.
  2291. > looking over, your boss just hung up a phone.
  2292. > fucking. Ass.
  2293. > you start playing solitare, pretty much the same thing you would do back home.
  2294. > you didnt miss earth much, but it had its benefits
  2295. > like an 18oz steak. You'd be hanged for that here.
  2296. > you continued trying to win the stupid game for a good ten minutes
  2297. > minutes you could be on break
  2298. > then despair rears its ugly head with another ring.
  2299. "Welcome to guilty pleasures, would you like a cheesy pick up line with your Anon today?"
  2300. > she laughed. Good to know you wont always have to use that stupid list.
  2301. > "So, uh, how are you?"
  2302. "Would you like to start? Or shall I?
  2303. > there was a pause. Your cue.
  2304. "Well, how about a name?"
  2305. >"ro- thorn."
  2306. "Well hello thorn. What can a lover do for you?"
  2307. >" Do you like flowers?"
  2308. > flowers? That seems like a pretty normal couple thing. Maybe this one is normal.
  2309. > of course, for you normal is a rare luxury.
  2310. "Only if they're as beautiful as my Thorn."
  2311. > She breathes heavily. Obviously small talk was enough for this mare.
  2312. > but if you're stuck in hell, you're gonna take every chance you can get.
  2313.  
  2314. -----
  2315.  
  2316. >*RIIINNGGG*
  2317. >Just one more hour Anon, just one more hour Anon...
  2318. "Welcome to anonymous Anonymous chat, how may I "service" you?"
  2319. >"Um, hi, is this the naughty chat deal?"
  2320. >Oh god, her voice is so high pitched.
  2321. >You pray she isn't vocal.
  2322. "Yes, it is, how can I help you tonight?"
  2323. >"Well, uh, where do I start?"
  2324. "Don't be nervous ma'am."
  2325. >"Ar-are you as horny as I am?"
  2326. "Definitely you sexy mare."
  2327. >"mmm... I'm a thorny Rose... I bet you're huge."
  2328. "You know it."
  2329. >Did she just say thorny?
  2330. >Oh well, she still seems less nuts than your other callers.
  2331. >"Yes, I'm your delicate flower. Water me."
  2332. >[heavy breathing intensifies]
  2333. >"I'm dying of thirst."
  2334. >Looks like you spoke too soon.
  2335. >Are these even euphemisms?
  2336. "Yeah... I'll water you good."
  2337. >"My petals are so moist"
  2338. >She moans lightly.
  2339. "You like that don't you?"
  2340. >"Call me a pretty flower."
  2341. "You're a... you're my beautiful flower..."
  2342. >"mmmm... yes, I'm... I'm... I..."
  2343. >Fuck, what did your eardrums do to deserve that?
  2344. >...
  2345. >"Thanks so much, I needed that."
  2346. >*click*
  2347. >Time to start writing your two weeks notice.
  2348.  
  2349.  
  2350. [Mrs. Cake]
  2351. > She has been body shamed during all of her life for being so plump.
  2352. > She tried to diet and exercise but plump IS her optimal shape, she's actually healtier than a horse.
  2353. > So after years of futilly chasing a slim figure, being thin became an obsession and she developed a skinny fetish.
  2354. > That's why she loves her husband so much, it's a mix of true love and the lanky guy being precisely her fetish.
  2355. > But Mr. Cake has been out of town on important bussiness and a mare has her needs, so she decides to try this phone sex thing.
  2356. > Mrs cake purposely calls Anon "chubby", "plump" and "healthy" during the conversation.
  2357. > A very puzzled Anon corrects her and explains to her that bwtween his vegan diet (there's no chances for him to eat meat) and the times he has been running for dear life when a monster or a sugar buzzed Pinkie is on the loose, he's actually thin.
  2358. > Mrs. Cake asks him if his clothes are fitting him and she offers to knit some XXXL sized sweaters for him
  2359. > Anon explains to her that he's actually a M size, and he would be swimming on anything bigger because he's thin.
  2360. > Mrs. Cake's voice starts to tremble and she asks him to describe how thin he is so she could knit him something that fits him.
  2361. > "Fucking ponies and their fucking weird attention span. "Fine", Anon says.
  2362. > Mrs. Cake breathes harder and harder
  2363. > Anon describes to her his skinny legs, skinny arms, tight butt and small shoulders, etc.
  2364. > Mrs. Cake lets escape a barely contained neigh and cums all over her counter
  2365. > What the fuck did just happened, I swear to God...
  2366.  
  2367.  
  2368. [Discord]
  2369. >Gnir gnir gnir
  2370. "The fuck?"
  2371. >You try to pick up the phone and it disappears from your desk
  2372. "Uh..."
  2373. >Lacking a better idea you look under the desk, finding nothing
  2374. >Gnir gnir gnir
  2375. >You pull open the drawer to find the phone and answer it
  2376. "Hello?"
  2377. >There's the unmistakable sound of a dial-up connection and you flinch away from the receiver
  2378. "What the fuck..?"
  2379. >As you stare at the phone it transforms into a thick, knotted cock that's bent harshly to the left near the tip
  2380. >You stare at it, dumbfounded
  2381. >It throbs once in your hand and spurts thick, ropey strands of cum all over your face before turning back into a phone
  2382. "WHAT THE FUCK?!"
  2383. >You can hear dry cackling on the other end of the line and a small, nervous voice
  2384. >"Discord, could you um... Stop redialing every pony I call? I mean, if that's okay with you that is..."
  2385. >Click
  2386. >You're left confused and sticky
  2387.  
  2388. ----
  2389.  
  2390. >the phone rings
  2391. "hello this is sexy times phone lines"
  2392. you switch to a low sultry voice
  2393. "we provide oral simulation of a different kind"
  2394. >you hear an annoyed older male voice on the line "yes yes yes I know who I called, it's not like I just mash the buttons and call randomly to get myself off"
  2395. o-k then sure how may I help satisfy you?
  2396. >"ohh I want you to be unpredictable, be outrageous, I...want you to surprise me, it's been awhile since that last happened"
  2397. you think for a few seconds
  2398. "I...would, bend you backwards so you could watch with a front row seat as I pound your ass"
  2399. >"I don't really see much out of the ordinary there"
  2400. your voice starts to rise "and...I would reach around, and jack you off with a sponge"
  2401. >"ooh...promising"
  2402. "and then I would guess randomly when you would cum and start a time bomb with that much time left on the clock!"
  2403. >"b-by the outer gods how...chaotic"
  2404. you start to hear wet slaps followed by thunder on the other end
  2405. "I would then proceed to shove it up your asshole ALONG with my penis!"
  2406. >you hear raspy growling and gasps and the sky starts to get darker outside your office window
  2407. >"AND WHAT WOULD YOU DO TO THIS UNGODLY FORM AFTER THAT!?"
  2408. "I WOULD GRAB YOUR ANTLER AND YELL IN YOUR EAR THAT I WAS MORE CRAZY THEN YOU WHEN I LEARNED TO RIDE A TRIKE AS THE TIMER TICKS DOWN THE LAST MOMENTS!!...and then...AND THEN!
  2409. >you hear what amounts to a banshee war cry
  2410. "I kiss you on the cheek"
  2411. >...
  2412. ...
  2413. >you hear an odd whooshing sound on the phone and you see a light on a far mountain out the window
  2414. >the sound of a fucking atom bomb assaults your ears
  2415. >you fling the phone out of shock
  2416. >outside you see a wall of smoke and a fire plume where the mountain used to be
  2417. "i wonder if I could be held accountable for this..."
  2418. >you feel a wet peck on your cheek followed by a high sounding slurp and a paw on your shoulder
  2419. >"thanks for that, I haven't had an orgasem like that since I first came to power" a sadisfied
  2420. voice said
  2421.  
  2422.  
  2423. [crystal p0nies]
  2424. >The phone rings
  2425. "Hello. This is Anonymous Hotline, where all your desires can be fulfilled."
  2426. >"Can you tell me I'm pretty?"
  2427. >That has got to be the most depressed voice you've ever heard
  2428. "I beg your pardon?"
  2429. >"Tell me I'm pretty. I haven't heard someone call me that since the Dark Ages. And even then he never meant it. It'd be nice to hear it once more."
  2430. "Uhh, you're pretty. Very pretty."
  2431. >"Tell me that I'm important."
  2432. "You're the most important mare in the world."
  2433. >"And that I'm the most fun mare in the world to be with."
  2434. "You are the most exciting, uhh, mare in the world. Anyone who doesn't hang out with you is missing out."
  2435. >"I wish I could remember what it was like to have fun."
  2436. ...
  2437. >"Before he took over. Before he made everyone his slave."
  2438. ...
  2439. >"I still have nightmares."
  2440. "Look ma'am. Is everything alright?"
  2441. >"Not really. But it's okay. I'm used to it. I must go now. My stale oatmeal is getting cold. Thank you. Goodbye."
  2442. >You silently put down the phone before putting your head into your hands
  2443. >Looks like you're going to need a drink
  2444.  
  2445.  
  2446. [Sombra]
  2447. >Finally the last call of the night.
  2448. "How can Anon the Sex God help you?"
  2449. >You hear heavy breathing on the other end and "Crystals!"
  2450. >Feeling a bit confused and noticing it is a male you wonder where this is going. But a bit is a bit.
  2451. "Sir what can this hot bod do for you?"
  2452. >Loud moaning is heard and once again "Crystaaaaaaaaaals."
  2453. >Sighing you rub your temples and just try to wing it.
  2454. "I could rub them all over me or even suck on one for you, how would you like that my dirty horse.?"
  2455. >Huffing and wheezing is heard and just the C-word over and over again.
  2456. "I could put one inside you while you put one in my dirty ass."
  2457. >"Crystaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaals" is all you hear for about a minute before a loud and wet sound is heard over the phone.
  2458. >"Cry...s" is all you get before the phone hangs up and you try not to yell.
  2459. >Getting up you dash to the rest room to find a sink to bash your head against.
  2460. "I really should have stayed in tech support. I am getting too old for this shit."
  2461.  
  2462.  
  2463. [Spike]
  2464. >Ring ring, ring ring
  2465. "Good evening, Amorous Anonymous at your service, how may I aurally serve you?"
  2466. >You cringe at every fucking opening line they force upon you
  2467. >"U-um... Hey, this is one of those lines people call to have fun, right?"
  2468. >The voice sounds way too young
  2469. "Not the kind of fun you're thinking of, kid."
  2470. >"Oh, you couldn't do the music for me just for a little bit?"
  2471. "What?"
  2472. >"Well, I set up my city and all the army ponies but I need someone to do the music so I can do the explosions."
  2473. >Spike. Of course.
  2474. "Well..."
  2475. >You glance in the direction of your boss' desk, finding it empty
  2476. "Sure, why not?"
  2477. >"Great! Just let me..."
  2478. >You hear shuffling and the sound quality changes as he puts it on speaker phone
  2479. >"Okay, ready!"
  2480. >He roars loudly, making you move the phone away from your ear a bit
  2481. >You hear him stomp once and start mimicking the Godzilla music with your mouth, grinning
  2482. >"Ahhh, ahhh! It's him! Ruuuunnn!"
  2483. >Spike makes a big explosion sound and you hear some cardboard boxes tip over
  2484. >You keep making the music for him until the song is done and he picks the phone back up
  2485. >"Thanks Anon, you're bringing cookies home tonight, right? Twilight ate the last of them..."
  2486. "Yeah, Spike. I'll be home after work."
  2487. >"Thanks!"
  2488. >Click
  2489. >You lean back in your chair, laughing to yourself
  2490.  
  2491. -----
  2492.  
  2493. >Ring ring
  2494. "Hello and welcome to Anonymous Phone Support, how may I help you?"
  2495. >"Anon?*sniff* When are you coming home?"
  2496. "I can't go home yet Spike"
  2497. >"Anon please,*sniff* you've been there for three days. I haven't eaten a single thing ever since"
  2498. >Dayum, what the fuck was Twilight doing?
  2499. "I'm sorry Spike but I signed a contract, I promise I'll get you tons of gems when I get home"
  2500. >"S-Sure thing Anon, w-will we play godzilla too?"
  2501. "Of course Spike! We'll play godzilla until Twilight makes us clean up the mess"
  2502. >"Heh*sniff* I'll see you then Anon. Thanks for cheering me up"
  2503. >You wonder how he's survived since then, then again you aren't an expert on dragons
  2504. >Where the fuck IS Twilight anyway?
  2505.  
  2506. >Meanwhile...
  2507. >"Oh girls we had so much fun at Canterlot today, I can't help but think that we're missing something"
  2508. >"Yer probably jus' worryin' 'bout that bird of yers again"
  2509. >"I guess you're right AJ, Owlicious can probably take care of himself"
  2510. >"Ooh-Ooh! Let's go on the buffet again!"
  2511. >"PINKIE!!"
  2512. >"I still can't help but think we're missing something..."
  2513.  
  2514. >You hit 'answer' hard enough to jab your finger awfully
  2515. "Hello?"
  2516. >"Oh- hello sexy-"
  2517. "Wait please hold on l need you to do me a favor"
  2518. >"Aren't you supposed to do what l say?"
  2519. "Yes but please, this is important"
  2520. >"Alright, you're the professional, what should l do?"
  2521. "I need-"
  2522. >"No like, anal or anything, and l don't want the neighbors-"
  2523. "No this isn't like that, l need you to feed my dragon."
  2524. >"Come again?"
  2525. "Feed my dragon please."
  2526. >"I'm unfamiliar with that one, how dirty is it?"
  2527. "What? No, for real this isn't a metaphor-"
  2528. >"Is the dragon your penis?"
  2529. "No, it's a foot long purple dragon-"
  2530. >"It IS your penis, isn't it?"
  2531. "It lives in the library in the center of town"
  2532. >"Whoah slow down there buddy l'm just looking for a talky to rub one out l'm not getting booty called by some freak on the phone"
  2533. "I don't wanna fuck you please my dragon is hungry-"
  2534. >"And why the fuck don't you want to fuck me?"
  2535. "I'm sure you're pretty but seriously-"
  2536. >"Fuck you buddy l'm complaining to your boss-"
  2537. "Yeah well l lied you sound ugly"
  2538. >Click
  2539. >tak tak tak
  2540. "Hello?"
  2541. >"Mmm l'm soaking wet and ready for-"
  2542. "Ma'am l need you to put pants on and walk across town for me"
  2543.  
  2544. -----
  2545.  
  2546. >You're repeatedly thumping your forehead against your desk when the phone rings for the umpteenth time
  2547. "Hello, Amorously Anonymous at your service..."
  2548. >You hear sniffling from the other end of the line
  2549. >Jesus fuck, not again
  2550. "Look, miss, I'm sure tha-"
  2551. >"Anon?"
  2552. "Spike? You know you shouldn't be calling this place"
  2553. >"I-I'm sorry. I know I bugged you yesterday too, but I'm scared.."
  2554. >His weak, shaky voice breaks your heart
  2555. "What's wrong, buddy?"
  2556. >"W-well you and Twilight haven't been home for so long and-"
  2557. "Twilight hasn't been home? Where is she?"
  2558. >There's a loud sniff
  2559. >"She went to Canterlot yesterday morning... I called you because I was getting scared..."
  2560. >You swallow the lump in your throat
  2561. "I'm sorry, buddy... If I wasn't stuck here at work I'd be home already."
  2562. >You remember your promise
  2563. "I'll bring home extra cookies when my shift is finally over, okay?"
  2564. >Another loud sniff
  2565. >"O-okay... Will you be home soon? I'm hungry.."
  2566. "Yeah, buddy. Why don't you head over to Sugarcube Corner and put a cupcake on my tab?"
  2567. >"Twilight put a spell on th-the door when she left... She said I can't just wander around Ponyville causing trouble while she's gone."
  2568. "Well just eat whatever you want out of the icebox and I'll be hurry-"
  2569. >"There's nothing in the icebox! I ate the last gemstones yesterday after we played Godzilla and-and-"
  2570. "Woah, calm down Spike. Just relax, it'll be okay. I'm hurrying home right now, okay?"
  2571. >More sniffling
  2572. >"O-okay... Just please hurry? I'm scared..."
  2573. "I promise, Spike. I'll be right there."
  2574. >Click
  2575.  
  2576.  
  2577. [Minuette]
  2578. >It's only midnight.
  2579. >There are still 3 hours of this shit left in your shift, holy fuck.
  2580. >Ring ring ring, ring ring ring, phone call, phone call.
  2581. >God you miss Pokemon.
  2582. "Thanks for calling The Palace of Pleasure, more pleasure than you can measure."
  2583. >"Hello there..."
  2584. "Hey... You've got needs, and I'm here to fulfill them. Just tell me what you want to hear, hot stuff."
  2585. >"W-well, I want... I want you to taste me... I want your tongue all over my body, and then I want you to kiss me..."
  2586. "I'd love to have a taste of that sweet body..."
  2587. >"It tastes like spearmint, just for you... D-did you brush your teeth today...?"
  2588. >Rubbing a tongue along your upper teeth, you feel the grainy texture that's built up over the past few days.
  2589. "Uhm... Y-yeah...?"
  2590. >"After every meal...? You'd better be minty fresh..."
  2591. "You know I did, baby..."
  2592. >"A-aaah..."
  2593. >The sounds of slippery flesh against a hoof come faster over the line.
  2594. >"Mmmmhhh... I'll bet you flossed too, like a good boy..."
  2595. >What the fuck is flossing?
  2596. "Every day, just like you like it, you... Clean, clean girl."
  2597. >"Ooooooh, don't stop..."
  2598. "I, uhm... Love the way the mouthwash burns, it hurts so good..."
  2599. >The panting on the line speeds up until it's almost feverish.
  2600. "If it weren't so unhygienic, I'd show you where else my toothbrush would fit..."
  2601. >"HHHHNNN"
  2602. >A splash comes before heavy and satisfied breathing.
  2603. >"Th-thanks for that, it's so hard to find a stallion who takes care of his teeth..."
  2604. "Yeah..."
  2605. >"Well thanks again, and don't forget to set regular appointments with your dentist!"
  2606. "...Sure. Will do."
  2607. >After the click and dial tone, you contemplate what the fuck you're doing with your life.
  2608.  
  2609.  
  2610. [Cadence]
  2611. >Ring Ring
  2612. >Sigh, how many is this now?
  2613. >Gotta make the bits somehow, you take a deep breath and ready yourself for the next onslaught.
  2614. "Thank you for calling Anonymous Loving, where we love you long time."
  2615. >Seriously, worst sales pitch ever, who the fuck does this?!
  2616. >"O-Oh, hello, d-do you all really love for a long time?"
  2617. "Why yes ma'am, we do, we can go on and on and on."
  2618. >You hear the other end pony start to breath a little faster.
  2619. >"Do you love all night long?"
  2620. >Maybe if given the right incentive, and a lot of caffeine you could, but hey, her fantasy right?
  2621. "Oh yes ma'am, I can love you all night long, and even a little in the morning too."
  2622. >She squeals in excitement as tell her this.
  2623. >"I want to be loved all night, I love my darling, but some nights, I just don't want the love to stop. I wish he could keep going all night."
  2624. >Wow, married mare? On this line? Fuckin' sweet!
  2625. "I'm sorry to hear that ma'am, but in all honesty perhaps he just can't keep up with how much love you require, no?"
  2626. >"Oh- OH yes! I do need lots of love, tons of it! Would you like to coat me in your love?"
  2627. >Damn, freaky wife for sure, and you have the distinct feeling you know who, but you just can't be sure.
  2628. "Ma'am, I'd cover you in my love, and than fill you with it. Make you eat my love, and than put it in your mane."
  2629. >She's getting closer, you can tell as she has started to whinny.
  2630. >"M-More love, give me more!"
  2631. >You hear a loud crash and than some shouting.
  2632. >"What the hell are you doing Cadence?!"
  2633. >"S-SHINING?! I thought you were asleep!"
  2634. >More loud shouting as you slowly hang up the phone.
  2635. >Oh shit, you didn't know she was such a naughty mare.
  2636. >You decide to go take a break and tell your boss as you head for the bathroom, uncomfortable with the apparent boner in your pants.
  2637.  
  2638. (This could be Chrysalis disguised as Cadence, or full blown Cadence, I figured both work well in this scenario)
  2639.  
  2640.  
  2641. [Zecora]
  2642. >Ring ring, ring ring
  2643. "Anonymously Amorous, how may I serve you?"
  2644. >"I, zecroa, am very horny and I cannot afford My Little Porny"
  2645. >Oh, boy here we go.
  2646. "What fantasy would you like to play out, Zecora?"
  2647. >"The setting matters not, just describe to me your plot."
  2648. >You can already hear wet squelching noises
  2649. "Well, it's firm. And human..."
  2650. >"Please, do not stop, your voice is helping with my clop..."
  2651. >Her breathing has gotten heavier. Hey, at least she's easy
  2652. "My plot may be stupendous, but my cock quite tremendous."
  2653. >There's a high pitch whine and you can hear liquid splashing against the floor, Zecora panting noisily into the phone
  2654. >"That... Amazing... Pussy.."
  2655. >Click
  2656. >Bitch couldn't even rhyme, you must be getting good at this
  2657.  
  2658.  
  2659. [BigMac]
  2660. >You pick up the phone, for the... you've actually lost count.
  2661. >It's like this everyday.
  2662. "Thank you for calling hotnonymous, where I make your desires cum true."
  2663. >There is heavy breathing on the other end.
  2664. "Hello?"
  2665. >Still only silence.
  2666. "Look I'd love to help you but I need you to speak, I know you want it. Don't you?"
  2667. >a short pause, and then a response.
  2668. >"Eeeyup."
  2669. >A guy, great.
  2670. >Umm sir, would you like me to do anything?
  2671. >"Nnnope."
  2672. "Oh... Then would you like to take the lead?"
  2673. >"Nnnope"
  2674. "Sir would you like... anything?"
  2675. >"Nnn- let me call you Mr. Smarty pants.
  2676. "..."
  2677. >You hang up the phone.
  2678. >You think to yourself.
  2679. "Is this really worth it?"
  2680.  
  2681.  
  2682. [Faust pony]
  2683. >Phone rings
  2684. >You look up with bloodshot eyes
  2685. >Wait till last second
  2686. >Grab the phone fiercely
  2687. >Sigh
  2688. "Thank you for calling CTnA Hotline, Anon speaking, m'lady"
  2689. >"Hello there, handsome."
  2690. >Finally a normal mare
  2691. "What can I do for you tonight?"
  2692. >"I'd really appreciate it if we could perhaps do some Mother-Son roleplay."
  2693. >Odd, but not the weirdest of things requested
  2694. >Plus, that means that you've probably got a hot MILF on your hands
  2695. "Oh, mom, do you think that you could help me? I'm not sure what to think about how all of the fillies at school are getting coltfriends! Am I going to be alone forever?!"
  2696. >She whimpers a bit
  2697. >"N-no, son! Mommy's here for you! You don't need any of those icky fillies, especially when you're this young!"
  2698. >Icouldrollwiththis.jpg
  2699. "Mom, all of this is making me feel weird...down there," you say, giving emphasis to "down there"
  2700. >She giggles a bit
  2701. >"Well, son it'll all be ok. Mommy's gonna take care of you."
  2702. >You hear the familiar sound of hoof meeting mare vagina
  2703. >You pant into the mic
  2704. "M-mom, please! You're making me feel funny!"
  2705. >"Be quiet and let mommy finish!"
  2706. >She is breathing heavily now
  2707. "M-MOOOM! I-I'M GONNA- AAAAAH!"
  2708. >She screams in orgasm
  2709. >You hear marecum splash on the floor
  2710. >"Thank you, Anon"
  2711. "My pl-"
  2712. "MOM?!"
  2713. >"Tee hee."
  2714. >She hangs up
  2715. >You bash your head against the desk until your employer forces you to stop
  2716.  
  2717.  
  2718. [Sea Swirl]
  2719. >Ring ring, ring ring
  2720. "Hello, Anon's Hot-time Hotline, you... You grill it, I'll fill it..."
  2721. >You almost can't even say that one
  2722. >"What?"
  2723. "Nothing, how can I service you today?"
  2724. >"Well, um... I got banned from the aquarium again..."
  2725. >Oh, fuck, you know who it is and you wish she would quit calling
  2726. "Swirl, please..."
  2727. >Your boss shoots you a murderous look and you sigh
  2728. >"Just a couple times, promise!"
  2729. >You can already hear the excited clopping on the other end of the line
  2730. >You sigh and make a dolphin noise
  2731. >"OH GOD! Unnnnfff..."
  2732. >You can hear that she's borderline punching herself in the pussy already
  2733. >You make a couple more dolphin noises, straining your throat
  2734. >"FLIPPERRRRRRRRRRR!!"
  2735. >Her excited screaming makes you flinch away from the phone
  2736. >Click
  2737. "Jesus Christ I wish I hadn't lent her that movie..."
  2738.  
  2739.  
  2740. [Octavia]
  2741. >Phone rings.
  2742. "Hello, this is Anonymous Pleasure where-"
  2743. >Flip through today's notes.
  2744. >Oh god...
  2745. "if you have a plump rump, I'm good to pump."
  2746. >Your soul...
  2747. >"Umm, yes. Right, then. I hear that this is the place mares call when they want to be umm... 'serviced?'"
  2748. "That's right, Miss. How can I help you this evening?"
  2749. >"Well, I'd really love it if you'd sing to me."
  2750. >It's not the worst thing you've been asked to do.
  2751. "Sure, I can do that. What would you like? The Ponytones? Some Hay Fever?"
  2752. >"I'd like some Buck please."
  2753. "Buck? You mean Johann Buck? Like... classical music?"
  2754. >"Yes please."
  2755. "Uhh... sure. One moment."
  2756. >Walk over to the ponygraph (fuck the puns in this place) and find a Buck record.
  2757. >Set the needle down and place your receiver down next to it.
  2758. >Moments later, hear the faint sounds of ecstasy from the nearby phone.
  2759. 'Fucking ponies..."
  2760.  
  2761. -----
  2762.  
  2763. >Another abrupt 'thanks' and the made hangs up before another bit is charged
  2764. > Some of the loneliest and most desperate ones will talk with you for hours
  2765. >On the other hand some mares will practically shout 'done' and hit the reciever mid sentence
  2766. >As time goes on you tend to prefer the latter, but mixing it up keeps the night moving without feeling too much like work
  2767. >The phone beeps again after only a minute
  2768. >On the line you hear bored breathing and a record playing in the background, muffled strings
  2769. "Hello, this is Sexaholics Anonymous-"
  2770. >"That's terrible."
  2771. >You grin
  2772. "Yeah, l know, it better like that, a little joke helps loosten up callers and helped them relax. Is this your first time?"
  2773. >"Ja."
  2774. "This is completely anonymous on both our parts, you don't have to work about a name or silly accent-"
  2775. >"Accent?"
  2776. "N- what's your name, love?"
  2777. >"Oc- ah, August."
  2778. "That's a beautiful name, August, fitting for such a pretty mare. What do you want to start with? We can skip straight to it or get to know each other. A lot of mares tend to talk a lot, especially repeat callers."
  2779. >"We can talk about anything?"
  2780. "From the darkest secrets of your heart to common gossip and the weather."
  2781. >"D-do you- what about weird stuff?"
  2782. "I was a carrot yesterday, love."
  2783. >She moves the handset away and snickers
  2784. >"That's weird enough, but l'm serious..."
  2785. >She takes nearly twenty seconds to finish
  2786. >"Can l call you Daddy?"
  2787. "Of course"
  2788. >"I mean like, my real dad, like"
  2789. "Hush darling, daddy heard you."
  2790. >You cross your fingers and toes hoping this is just going to be one of those amateur psychology calls
  2791. >"So, dad, how do we, ah, how this this get started?"
  2792. >Fuck
  2793. "Well little girl, there's usually a few go to scripts for first timers and 'impress me's but for such a strange prompt l'm afraid you ought to lead this fantasy."
  2794. >"Oh, l'm terrible at improvising. Fine let me... just a sec..."
  2795. >She sets the phone down
  2796. >You hear the tip tap of hooves echoing and the clinking of glass
  2797.  
  2798. >A soft pomf hits the pillow followed by a much heavier one that creaks the bedsprings
  2799. >The phone skitters on the table, you hear a satisfied 'ah' and a glass hitting the wood before she raises it to her ear
  2800. >"Ok, all right, so, you're... my dad."
  2801. "Set the scene love, where we are and what you want to do, and then we'll stay in character until you finish."
  2802. >"This is humiliating"
  2803. "This is a basic pony need, love, and none will know but you and l. You deserve this."
  2804. >"Ha, l do, don't l? All right, you're my dad, and l'm a little filly."
  2805. >Fuck
  2806. "Not too little l hope?"
  2807. >"Fifteen, with cutie mark."
  2808. "That's, uh-"
  2809. >"Ugh fine eighteen."
  2810. "I'm very sorry, that's one of the only illegal things we can't talk about."
  2811. >"I'm sure you'll make it up to me, right? So, anyway, mom just walked out after the divorce and you want me to play classical music, but you see, l've been plucking my bass and flirting with jazz and that drives you up the wall"
  2812. "I-is this sexual roleplay, still?"
  2813. >"Yeah, why?"
  2814. "Nevermind, just keep painting that vivid picture. You do well for a first timer."
  2815. >"Wrong."
  2816. "W-what?"
  2817. >"My dad never complimented me"
  2818. "O-oh, well, l meant it was Ok, even if l expected better"
  2819. >"Yes- you hate it when l let you down, don't you?"
  2820. "I-it makes me furious?"
  2821. >"Oh yeah? Well- f-fuck you, dad!"
  2822. >She still whispers it as though afraid of saying a dirty word, even now
  2823. "What did you just say to me, young lady?"
  2824. >"I-I said, FUCK YOU, dad!"
  2825. >You recoil a little, she's legitimately shouting now, her neighbors could probably hear that
  2826. "U-unbelievable! What has gotten into you?
  2827. >"I don't know dad, how about my passion? My calling? My cutiemark? So what if l'm into jazz, it's who l really am! I'm not just your toy, dad!"
  2828. >You're at a loss for where to take this, but she saves you the trouble
  2829. >You hear a dull clonk as the receiver hits something
  2830. >Her breathing is fast and stressed, she makes noises of indignation
  2831. >" Y-you hit me?"
  2832. "I hit you?"
  2833. >Your stomach sinks
  2834.  
  2835. >Simple parroting would get you fired if your boss was listening in but you doubt you would get written up for this call
  2836. >"You really hit me! This is why mom left, you stubborn old mule-"
  2837. >You hear the receiver crack her cheek again
  2838. >"Ung- fuck you dad, l'm going to -hey!"
  2839. "W-what!"
  2840. >Sounding vaugely angry is the best you can do
  2841. >"Get your hooves of my flank you bastard!"
  2842. >You hear springs creak as she writhes and groans
  2843. "N-no?"
  2844. >With another surprised noise she shifts around more, engrossed in her own fantasty
  2845. >"Get off me dad, l'm not a whore!"
  2846. "Whore?"
  2847. >"Stop calling me a whore! Stop it!"
  2848. >Based on her voice you can't tell if she's heated or about to cry
  2849. >"No!"
  2850. >Her shrill cry only makes you tenser
  2851. >She makes some sort of pained noise like a wounded animal
  2852. >"Ungh- unh- ah- why?"
  2853. >This is familiar territory at least, she's certainly squatting on something the size of her leg
  2854. "B-because you deserve it."
  2855. >A very real, wet quiver drifts over the phone
  2856. >Your usual canned line came in flat and emotionless, what should have been a misfit mood killer was exactly what she wanted
  2857. >"Ung- ah ung- ah!"
  2858. >You hear sheets slide and head board rattle
  2859. > She must be kicking off the footboard, she's found her groove
  2860. >"Am l good enough for you now, dad? Am l good enough now?"
  2861. >She repeats it over and over again, stressing you out and demanding an answer
  2862. >Your hand trembles, you drop your pencil and notepad and blank out
  2863. >"Well?!"
  2864. "No."
  2865. >Her sharp gasp precedes the meltdown, you've heard hundreds of orgasms over the telephone but so few sounded as complete or exhausting as this one
  2866. >Her handset clatters to the floor
  2867. >Several minutes go by before she picks it up again
  2868. >"Hey, uh, well nice talking to you, stranger."
  2869. "Y-you too"
  2870. >"I'll call back sometime, could you think up some fantasies for me? I'll be a good repeat customer, a good little filly, l promise?"
  2871.  
  2872. "I'll do my best... August"
  2873. >"Who?"
  2874. "What? That's the name you picked, remember?
  2875. >"Oh! Haha, l forgot, that felt like hours ago. It's Oct- uh, no, sorry, I can't."
  2876. "That's ok, you don't-"
  2877. >"Daddy's Girl."
  2878. "Ok, goodnight Daddy's-"
  2879. >"Tuck me in."
  2880. "A-all right. I'm tucking you in now"
  2881. >You hear covers rustle
  2882. >"Goodnight Dad."
  2883. "Sleep tight."
  2884. >You hesitate for a moment, before kissing the receiver
  2885. >Her giggle is the last thing you hear as you hang up
  2886.  
  2887.  
  2888. [Granny Smith]
  2889. >Final hour of the phone-sex hell, you honestly just can't wait for it to be over.
  2890. >As you watch the clock, the dreaded phone rings and you groan.
  2891. >Almost made it.
  2892. >Picking up the phone, you sigh before placing the receiver to your mouth.
  2893. "Thank you for calling Super Sizzling Saucy Sexy Times (ugh), where your fantasy is the only one that matters. ('Cuz my mental health sure don't.)
  2894. >"Oh! I see they gave me a spry young'un this time, Ol' Granny is going to have some fun with you my boy."
  2895. >You cringe in your seat and sink into it a little.
  2896. >Oh, No, No, No!
  2897. >This cannot be happening, you were almost free!!!
  2898. "Y-Yes ma'am, would you like to teach this young'un how the big mares play?"
  2899. >Someone, wash me of my sins!
  2900. >"Oh, you seem to know how this works already boy, but I'll bet ol' Granny could teach you a few tricks, some you ain't even seen nor heard of before."
  2901. >You just thank whatever entity is out there, that she cannot see you. Or your boss for that matter as you huddle yourself into a fetal position.
  2902. >"Sonny, You ever tasted Zap Apple Jam on a mares patoony before? Or I'll bet you like to lick it off her hee-haw, don't ya?"
  2903. >It burns! Why does it burn us?!
  2904. "Oh Yes I do Granny, I like it better on the (ugh!) hee-haw. Do you happen to have any apple jam?"
  2905. >They don't pay enough for this job, your therapist makes more money off YOU than you make here!
  2906. >"Now that's such a good 'feller, you sure know how to be an obedient lil' young colt, don'cha?"
  2907. >You hope she doesn't have a heart attack as you can (uncomfortably) hear her getting more excited as you continue the sex talk, finally as she draws close she hollers so loud you have to pull your headphone out your ear.
  2908. >"Ohh, thank you sonny, Granny so needed that. Call you again on the next full moon."
  2909. >Click.
  2910. >No, please don't.
  2911.  
  2912.  
  2913. [Sunset Shimmer]
  2914. "Thank you for calling Anaughtymous where everything is just. Between. Us."
  2915. >E-everything?
  2916. is that...crying?
  2917. "Yes sweetheart. Everything. You sound like you have had a long day. Perhaps I can do something for or...TO you to help take your mind off things?"
  2918. >S-sure...
  2919. the sound of sniffing and unzipping can be heard
  2920. "What can I do for you?"
  2921. >Sing me a song...about the sun
  2922. odd...never did that before...fuck it
  2923. "You are my sunshine, my only sunshine. You make me happy, when skies are grey. You never know dear how much I love you. Please don't take my sunshine away."
  2924. light moaning and schlicking sounds can be heard through the phone
  2925. "The other night, dear, as I lay sleeping, I dreamt I held you in my arms. When I awoke, dear, I was mistaken. So I hung my head and cried."
  2926. I don't hear crying anymore
  2927. "you are my sunshine, my only sunshine. You make me happy when skies are grey. You never know dear, how much I love you. Please don't take my sunshine away."
  2928. >getting close...
  2929. "I'll always love you and make you happy if you will only say the same. But if you leave me to love another, you'll regret it all one day."
  2930. she sounds more happy now...
  2931. "You are my sunshine, my only sunshine. You make me happy when skies are grey. You never know dear, how much I love you. Please don't take my sunshine away. Don't take my sunshine away."
  2932. a small whimper is heard followed by a small gasp and the sound of something wet hitting a floor
  2933. "Sunset?"
  2934. >H-how did you-?
  2935. "I know your voice." *chuckle* "Do you feel better?"
  2936. >I do...this never happened...
  2937. "ofcourse"
  2938. >I'm serious, Anon...
  2939. This mare had a bad day-
  2940. >Don't tell anypony what just happened...ok.?
  2941. "I won't. afterall...everything is just. Between. Us."
  2942. >*sniff* Thanks, Anon...I love you...
  2943. "I love you too, Sunset"
  2944. >Goodnight, Anon
  2945. "Goodnight, Sunset."
  2946. -all she needed was to know that somepony still loves her
  2947.  
  2948. [BatPony]
  2949. >another day at the line you feel like__
  2950. *ring ring* *ring ring*
  2951. >Christ the phone won't even let you finish a thought!
  2952. "hello thanks for calling anon's red-hot, hotline where the write staff is lazy and I don't have a good opener, who's call is this anyway?"
  2953. >your ears are soon assaulted by loud tapping sounds that feel like someones driving a railroad spike through your skull.
  2954. "Hello?"
  2955. >"Apppullssss!" a hissing voice exclaims through the receiver.
  2956. "did you say 'apples'?"
  2957. >"wrahhh!!" shrill shriek hits you and you can hear the sound of wing beating. well at least your doing something right.
  2958. "Yeah apples they're big and red and juicy. You bite into them and taste the sweet fruit juices."
  2959. >"wrahah! wrahah! like appless" the hissing and flapping intensifies, normally food play isn't too strange by your standards but this is pushing it.
  2960. "yeah you do which is why I'm gonna hang one right in front of your face, teasing you with it while you're busy playing with yourself until I toss it up to let you catch it with your mouth."
  2961. >"mhffph mhffph" *squish* you hear what you assume are the muffled sounds of eating over the phone. (huh she came prepared for this) you think to yourself.
  2962. "yeah and when you finish taking a bite out of that one, I let you lean back onto me while a feed you another apple and massage your wings."
  2963. >it hits you that you know the common hot spots of a different species now, you'll determine how sad or excited to feel about that later.
  2964. >"hssss wrahh ahhhh!!!." the hissing and wing beating reach their maximum ear raping potential, before subsiding.
  2965. >"oh hmmm ye thank you that was soo good." a gentle feminine voice replaces the hissing monster.
  2966. "uh-uh yeah right, call back anytime you need me to feed your desires sweet tooth."
  2967. >she hangs up.
  2968. >wut
  2969. "wut"
  2970.  
  2971.  
  2972. [Fluffle Puff]
  2973. >Pounding a cup of the lukewarm sludge from the breakroom that you boss calls coffee (cheap bastard), you put your headset back on.
  2974. >Hopefully the fat fuck was just kidding when he said this is when the weirdos start calling.
  2975. >A minute passes before your headset beeps.
  2976. "Hello. Thank you for calling...
  2977. >You glance at your scripted greetings and resist the urge to go cram the script up the ass of the hacks that write this shit.
  2978. "...The Anonymous Pleasure Palace, where we're always hot-to-trot...for you."
  2979. >You hear a quiet gasp on the other end of the line.
  2980. "Um, hello?"
  2981. >The sound like someone is dragging a box across shag carpeting is heard from your headset for a few moments.
  2982. "Can I help you with something tonight?"
  2983. >"THBBBBBBBBBBT! THBT. THBT. THBBBT."
  2984. >The hell? Sounded like they blew a raspberry at you repeatedly.
  2985. "I don't quite understand..."
  2986. >Again, the sound of something moving on shag carpet reaches your ears, accompanied now and then by what sounds like a few muffled schlicks.
  2987. >A quick look around confirms your dipshit boss is absent, probably back in his cushy office smoking one of his cheap cigars. ...That fucker.
  2988. >You rub your forehead and once again question if you really need this job.
  2989. "Ma'am? If you can't give me something to go on, I'm just going to sit here and ignore you. It's your bits you're spending, and if you're not going to speak, I'm happy to let you stay on the line and run the bill up."
  2990. >The sound of rustled carpet and schlicking intensifies and you hear a few quiet gasps now and then, then the silence...
  2991. "........"
  2992. >"........"
  2993. "Ma'am?"
  2994. >What sounds like a squeaky toy under a pile of clothes being stepped on is heard before a click as the call ends.
  2995. >Not even caring at this point if your boss sees, you faceplant on the desk and queitly cackle to yourself for a moment before running a tired hand down your face.
  2996. "What the fuck just happened?"
  2997.  
  2998.  
  2999. [Milky]
  3000. >BEEP BEEP BEE-BEEP
  3001. >What's the 'sitch?
  3002. >It's getting into the wee hours of the morning, your overtime shift is almost over.
  3003. >This last call could be the final one for the night.
  3004. >You'd have the dosh to pay pay off the treebrary's fire damages to Twhybright Spigot.
  3005. >You take a deep breath before picking up the phone and your notecard.
  3006. Hello. Thank you for calling Sexy-nonymous's Monkey Dock Hotline, where we'll cater to your fetishes, no matter how elaborate or obscure (lucky me). How may this I be of service to you?
  3007. >You glance up to shoot a dirty look at your boss, but he's out of the office.
  3008. >"Hello, Anonymous, a friend of mine told me of your species' /abilities/. Tell me, how do you feel about... lactation?"
  3009. >that's_my_fetish.webm
  3010. Well, first I'd massage your swollen, tender breasts until you start groaning in pleasure.
  3011. >"P-please, tell me more."
  3012. >Your sadly experienced ears pick up on quiet rubbing of hoof on candy vag and gentle puffs of breath against the receiver.
  3013. Then I'd take your teats and gently roll them between my fingers, pinching and tugging on them occasionally. I'd let your warm milk run down my hands and drip onto the floor as I work.
  3014. >Your decision to wear jeans to work is becoming quite bothersome.
  3015. >"Hah... oh Celestia, I'm leaking all over."
  3016. >Your boner assumes direct control as you take your pleasure into your own hands underneath the desk.
  3017. Once you got really wet, I'd blow steamy breaths across your damp skin, tease you with a pepper of kisses, and flick the tip of your nipples with my tounge.
  3018.  
  3019. >The pace of squeltching sounds is picking up on both ends of the call.
  3020. >You hear the mare desperately panting into the phone mewling "Anon, Anon" over and over again.
  3021. >Ron_Paul.exe
  3022. Then I'd slowly drag the tips of my teeth against your swollen teats, sucking down mouthful after mouthful of your sweet milk, dribbling from the corners of my mouth down to my chin, until you were sucked completely dry.
  3023. >The mare's sharp, ragged gasps and incoherent squealing send you over the edge and you blow a softball-sized hole in your cubicle wall.
  3024. >You both sit there listening to eachother's breathing.
  3025. >"Thank you," you both say.
  3026. >"That was wonderful, I'll be calling you again sometime soon."
  3027. >Y-you too.
  3028. >You hang up the phone and slump back in your chair.
  3029. >Maybe this gig wasn't so horrible after all.
  3030. >You still hear labored breathing.
  3031. >Is the phone hung up?
  3032. >...
  3033. >You turn around to see your boss transformed into a boiled-red recolored OC.
  3034. >How long had he been standing there?
  3035. >"ANONYMOUS!"
  3036. Yessir?
  3037. >"YOU'RE FIRED!"
  3038.  
  3039. -----
  3040.  
  3041. "Hello, thank you for calling Human Love Radio Future, Anon at your service"
  3042. >"..."
  3043. Hello?
  3044. >"It's me Anon"
  3045. >You space out
  3046. >You slam your hand onto the desk to catch yourself before you fall
  3047. >It can't be...
  3048. "E-excuse me, miss?"
  3049. >"It's been so long. I've missed you and can't wait any longer."
  3050. >You look over your shoulder at your fatass employer, a pony with a thick white moustache and a face buried in a smut magazine
  3051. >You lean in and begin whispering
  3052. "Okay, but please keep this brief. I don't want you to get in trouble again, and I really need this job."
  3053. >"Of course, my love."
  3054. >You loosen up and begin
  3055. >She lowers her volume enough to not be overheard and not seem suspicious
  3056. >"I've longed for you to taste my dairy once again, Nonny."
  3057. >Y-Your dick
  3058. >But you've got to play this smart, or it's all ogre
  3059. "I want to rock that beautiful body of yours until we make cheese."
  3060. >"Oh, Celestia, yes!"
  3061. >You can't hold back any longer as you prod your dick under the desk
  3062. "I want to strip mine all of the heavenly spheres in your spiral arms
  3063. >"MMPH!"
  3064. "I'll tenderly bite into that rich chocolate coating of yours."
  3065. >"KEEP GOING!"
  3066. >You're nearing your own climax
  3067. "I-I'm gonna...fuck the shit out of you and your Galaxy Girls!"
  3068. >"AAAAAH!"
  3069. >You bite your lip to keep from screaming as you cum
  3070. >You draw blood, but you don't care
  3071. >She's panting on the other side
  3072. >"Thank you, Anon. I love you."
  3073. >She hangs up
  3074.  
  3075.  
  3076. [Twist]
  3077. "Thank you for calling Mike Hunt's sexy time phoneline. I'm Anonymous. How may I turn you on tonight?"
  3078. >Another night at this shitty sexline job. You considered quitting after the call last night with the daddyplay.
  3079. >"Uh..Hello?"
  3080. >Another mare. Let's see how this plays out.
  3081. "Hello there sexy. What can I do to get you going tonight?"
  3082. >You hear some light shuffling.
  3083. >"Uhm. Thisth may thound a little weird...but could you compliment me?"
  3084. >A normal one! Finally!
  3085. "Of course baby. You're so beautiful. Immaculate."
  3086. >You hear nervous giggling.
  3087. "I want no other pony in this world but you."
  3088. >"Would you alwaysth stay by my side?"
  3089. "I would never leave or abandon you. Ever."
  3090. >"Even ifth I thuddenly changed a little bit?"
  3091. >Her voice cracks a little.
  3092. "Even if you grew an extra head."
  3093. >"And you'd never replaceth me with anypony else? You'd sthay my friend forever?"
  3094. >You can practically hear the quivering lip.
  3095. "Best friends until time ends."
  3096. >You hear a sob.
  3097. >More emotional scarring tonight it seems.
  3098. >"I'm not nerd right? Poniesth like me right?"
  3099. "The adore you and love you the world over. Like me."
  3100. >You hear a squeaky sob.
  3101. >"A-and I won't "die alone" becauseth I'm so ugly, like Diamond Tiara and Silthver Sthpoon sthaid right?"
  3102. "You're the epitome of perfection in Pony form."
  3103. >You hear a chair scooting and the sound of rope or leather getting pulled.
  3104. >"Thank you Anonymousth. I just wanted to hear that before I left thith world."
  3105. "Ma'am? What do you mean? what are you doing?"
  3106. >You hear something fall and a loud "THOOG". The soft sound of a rope stretching is heard on the other line.
  3107.  
  3108. ----
  3109.  
  3110. >Ring ring
  3111. >Your head hangs behind you as you lean back in your chair
  3112. >Ring ring
  3113. >That fucking last call man...
  3114. >Ring ring
  3115. >"For the love of Celestia, monkey boy! I don't pay you to sit around and mope, now answer the damn phone!"
  3116. >Ring ri-
  3117. >You click it on with the headset
  3118. Hello, this is Anony "Macho Man" Mous. How can I make your madness funnin' wild?
  3119. >A voice squeaks out from the other end of the line
  3120. >"A-Anonymuth?"
  3121. >You jump up from your chair, knocking it over in your surprise
  3122. Twist, Twist are you okay?
  3123. >You hear a quite sob on the other end of the line
  3124. >"I'm tho fat, the rope broke."
  3125. >You right your chair and sit down, a single manly tear streaking down your face
  3126. >It's okay tear, you're allowed this time
  3127. Twist, you're not fat. But you're damn lucky. What were you thinking?
  3128. >"That nopony will ever want me. That I'm jutht tho unlikable that I'll never be with a strong, kind stallion. That I'm tho uthless that I'd be better off dead."
  3129. >You nearly drive your palm through your head
  3130. >Fucking kids today
  3131. Twist you're not useless, or unlikable. In fact I can think of at least one being that likes, no loves you.
  3132. >A sharp intake of breath echoes in your ears
  3133. >"Really? Who'th that?"
  3134. >You smile and lean back in your chair
  3135. >You still got it
  3136. It's me, Twist.
  3137. >You hear a small squee on the end of the line
  3138. >"Thanks Anon...I really needed it."
  3139. >Your heart warms, maybe you just managed to save some kids life
  3140. Now get onto bed you naughty little filly, or else I'll give you a spanking.
  3141. >A squelch echoes over the phone
  3142. >"Oooh, Anonymuth...~"
  3143. >You slam the receiver down and throw your headset across the room
  3144. >Fucking shit
  3145.  
  3146. -----
  3147.  
  3148. >*Ring ring*
  3149. >You pick up the phone gingerly.
  3150. "Hello, you're through to Samareitans. How can I help you?"
  3151. >The voice is way, way younger than you were expecting.
  3152. >"I'm looking at a noothe and a tall thtack of bookth, and I jutht want thomepony to tell me why not to."
  3153. >You take a deep breath, and continue.
  3154. "Your neck isn't in the noose yet, though?"
  3155. >"N-not yet..."
  3156. "Something's holding you back, then. Could you tell em what?"
  3157. >There's a long pause.
  3158. >"No."
  3159. >You wipe sweat from your brow, take another breath, and continue.
  3160. "Little filly- I didnlt get your name, sorry?"
  3161. >"Twitht."
  3162. "Twist. Cute name. Well Twist, if you want to hear why you shouldn't go ahead, couls you please tell me why you want to?"
  3163. >This is risky. You know this is risky.
  3164. >"It'th..."
  3165. >You hear sobbing on the line.
  3166. >"I jutht c-can't thtand being alone any m-more," she sobs, "a-and I can't thtand the taunting and the harth w-wordth..."
  3167. "Who's bullying you?" you ask.
  3168. >"D-diamond Tiara," she replies, "Sh-she keepth thaying how nopony liketh me th-thince I got my c-cutie mark."
  3169. "Might she just be jealous?" You ask.
  3170. >"N-no, she already got herth monthth ago."
  3171. "Well, then what ground does she have to stand on?" you ask, thinking you've hit the nail on the head.
  3172. >"B-but she'th RIGHT!" the filly yells, her sobbing intesnifying, "She'th got Thilver Thpoon, an' everypony elthe hath friendth exthept me. I lotht mine when I got my cutie mark."
  3173. "How?"
  3174. >"I-I wath only friendth with Apple Bloom, and after I got my cutie mark she met two other ponies who didn;t have theirth and became friendth with them. I though she'd get herth thoon and then we'd be friendth again, but she hathn't, and, and-"
  3175. >The wailing increases twofold.
  3176. "I TRADED MY BETHT FRIEND FOR A CRUMMY PICTURE OF CANDY CANETH!"
  3177. >And then the calls breaks down into incoherent sobbing.
  3178.  
  3179. >You place a hand on your forehead, trying to steady your breathing.
  3180. "Hey, Twist."
  3181. >"Y-y-y-yeth?" she verbally stumbles.
  3182. "I used to have a friend, like you. Her name was Connie, and all we ever did was hurt each other."
  3183. >"H-huh?" she sniffles.
  3184. "She taught me a lot about the world, I taught her a lot about herself, but we enevr really stopped trying to cause each other pain. Ever. And yet, she's the one person who I'd regret never having met. She turned my life around, put me on my feet. Made something out of me."
  3185. >"R-r-really?"
  3186. "Yeah. And the way I see it, you've made something out of your friend too. She's got the drive to keep going because hey, you already got a cutie mark, so she ought to be able to get one too.
  3187. "Life isn't about having it all, Twist. Sometimes everything's fine, and you can face the day every day with a smile on your face. Sometimes it'll be hard, and you have to do some looking before you find a reason to smile. And sometimes, like now, you can't find the silver lining at all. It's days like that that you've got to stop looking at yourself, and learn to live by how others live by you. To be great for yourself is good, but to inspire greatness in others is beyond grand."
  3188. >"Y-you really m-mean that?"
  3189. "I certainly mean that now, here's what you're going to do, Twist. You're going to take down that rope, you're going to take it to the park, throw it ove a branch and make a rope swing out of it. Doesn't matter if you don't use it yourself, but every time somepony plays on that swing, they'll be living better for your effort. Will you do that for me, Twist?"
  3190. >"W-will do, Thir!" she sounds confident, determined.
  3191. "Atta filly. As for the books, find the biggest one you can lift, and keep it on you for a few days. If this Diamond what's-her-face gives you any lip, you just hold it in one hoof and let it fall onto the other repeatedly, staring her right in the eye. I guarantee you she'll back down."
  3192. >"Thankth, Mithter." The phone clicks.
  3193.  
  3194.  
  3195. [Cheese Sandwich]
  3196. "Welcome to Ponut Express. This is Anonymous. How can I help you, sweetheart?"
  3197. >"I don't know who you are. I don't know what you want. If you are looking for ransom, I can tell you I don't have money. But what I do have are a very particular set of skills; skills I have acquired over a very long career. Skills that make me a nightmare for people like you. If you let my daughter go now, that'll be the end of it. I will not look for you, I will not pursue you. But if you don't, I will look for you, I will find you, and I will kill you."
  3198. "...Cheese?"
  3199. >"How'd ya know??"
  3200. "I recognize that voice anywhere."
  3201. >"Oh you! Ha! Ha! Ha!"
  3202. >You laugh along.
  3203. >"I am serious though."
  3204. >Click
  3205.  
  3206.  
  3207. [Mane-iac]
  3208. Hello Sir or Madam. Thank you for calling Anonymous' hotrod hotline . How may I service you today?
  3209. >say something funny!
  3210. wut?
  3211. >tell me a joke! *hysterical laughter*
  3212. umm...why did the chicken cross the road?
  3213. >*schlick schlick schlick*w-why?
  3214. ...to get to the other side?
  3215. >*loud laughter fills the phoneline as lewd sound effects continue*
  3216. why is six afraid of seven?
  3217. >why?*giggles
  3218. because six eight nine
  3219. >bwahahaha! that was hilarious! I'm going to cum! one more joke! one more!
  3220. *sigh* what do you get when you breed a bulldog with a shih tzu?
  3221. >hmm? *schlick*
  3222. a bullshit
  3223. >*uncontrollable laughter and moaning as it souds like the customer's phone is shoved somewhere it shouldn't be*
  3224. phoneslam.jpg
  3225.  
  3226.  
  3227. [edgy]
  3228. "Welcome to Top Crotch. This is Anonymous, how can I satisfy you tonight, sugar tits?"
  3229. >"Hello. My name is Tracy. First time caller."
  3230. >Sounds like a tame mare."
  3231. "The first time is always special, Tracy. What can I do for you?"
  3232. >"I want your blood."
  3233. >Wat.
  3234. "My blood? Hmmm..."
  3235. >"I want you cut you up like a fucking pic, Anonymous. I want to spread your thick dark red blood over my shredded cunt. I want you stab me in the chest while you rape my mouth, Anon."
  3236. >What in the ever loving fuck.
  3237. "Wow, that's...exotic?"
  3238. >"Fuck me with KNIVES. PIERCE my bruised teats and beat the shit out of me."
  3239. >You hear the sound of a knife.
  3240. >Oh sweet Jesus am I gonna be a murderer or something.
  3241. "Er, sink that blade in your cunt for me Tracy."
  3242. >"I am. Oh fuck, it hurts. IT HURTS SO FUCKING GOOD, ANONYMOUS."
  3243. >You want to vomit.
  3244. >"FUCK! IT'S EVERYWHERE. IT HURTS. I AM SO FUCKING HORNY."
  3245. >You just can't fucking speak.
  3246. >You continue to hear the sound of a mare mutilating her vag with a fucking knife, and blood splattering on a surface.
  3247. >"I...I came.
  3248. "WELL, thankyougoodbyepleasedontcallagain."
  3249. >"HOLD ON YOU MONKEY FUCK."
  3250. "Y-yes?"
  3251. >"I didn't cum yet."
  3252. "But you just...said?"
  3253. >"I said I came."
  3254. >The line cuts off; you hear a scream from one of your coworkers.
  3255.  
  3256.  
  3257. [Screwloose]
  3258. >Ring ring
  3259. "So this is what hell sounds like..."
  3260. >Ring ring
  3261. "I need a new job"
  3262. >Ring ri-
  3263. "You're now chatting with..."
  3264. >You put your hand over the receiver and sigh.
  3265. "...Hotnonymous, what can I do-"
  3266. >"BARK BARK"
  3267. >You almost drop the phone.
  3268. "Uhh...i-is this a dog?"
  3269. >Please let this be some weird ass roleplay pony fetish and not an actual fucking dog.
  3270. >"BARK!"
  3271. >You look up, your boss's head peering from behind the corner of the hallway, eyes narrowed, watching carefully.
  3272. "Guh..a-are you a...a good girl?"
  3273. >"Ruff!"
  3274. >Heavy panting.
  3275. "Th-thats right, you're a good girl aren't you? Whos a good girl?..."
  3276. >Whining
  3277. >Slicking
  3278. >Splurting
  3279. "G-good girl, whos the good little doggy? W-want a treat?"
  3280. >"Arrrrrrooooooooouuuuu"
  3281. >Heavy panting.
  3282. >Lips smacking
  3283. >click.
  3284. "..."
  3285. >You bury your face into your hands and sob silently to yourself.
  3286.  
  3287. -----
  3288.  
  3289. "Thank you for calling Fook Mi's sexy phone chat. I'm your treasure of pleasure..(Ugggh) Anonymous the mare-slayer. How can I service you today?"
  3290. >"Grrrr ARF ARF!"
  3291. >You pinch the bridge of your nose.
  3292. >Here we fucking go.
  3293. "Yes..Uhm..bow wow?"
  3294. >"WROOF! AR--I mean excuse me.."
  3295. >Finally! crazy whorse.
  3296. >"I have this little fantasy...uhm..could you pretend you're walking me? Like a dog?"
  3297. >Herewego.jpg.
  3298. "S-sure thing sexy. I-uh strap the leash into your collar."
  3299. >"Mhmm.. oooh yeahh..arrnt! arrnt! arrnt!"
  3300. >WHAT THE FUCK?!
  3301. "Miss! are you okay??"
  3302. >"I'm fine! Keep going! Grrrrr."
  3303. "Oh..uhm..I take you for a stroll to the park.."
  3304. >You hear tapping sounds on the other end.
  3305. "I take off the leash so we can play fetch..?"
  3306. >"Oooohh..ooh yeah! Keep going! "
  3307. >You've had some creepy fetish callers before, but none so "active".
  3308. "I take out my baggie of biscuits for you."
  3309. >"Pant, pant, pant, pant."
  3310. >Shit man.
  3311. "who wants a Scooby Snack? Who wants a Scooby snack?"
  3312. >"Ry Roo! Ry Roo! Reehee hee hee!"
  3313. >Your inner kidnanon has just died.
  3314. >"I just pooped! How are you gonna clean it up? GrrrroooARF ARF!"
  3315. >You grimace.
  3316. "I have a plastic baggie right here, wrapped around my hand.."
  3317. >"ARRNT! ARRNT! ARRNT!"
  3318. >More tapping. This is creepy.
  3319. >You hear a howl on the reciever, and what sounds like a water balloon dropping.
  3320. >In the distance outside you can hear some sirens.
  3321. >"uh oh! Gotta go! They're looking for me! Grrrr..WOOF! I'll see you soon.
  3322. >The line goes dead.
  3323. >You pray you aren't next.
  3324.  
  3325.  
  3326. [plane pony]
  3327. >That last call was weird as fuck, you can still see the bald fucker when you close your eyes
  3328. >Ring ring
  3329. >Oh good, something to get your mind off of this
  3330. "Hello and welcome to Anonymous Phone Support, how may I help you?"
  3331. >"T-This is a private call, right?"
  3332. >Another first timer, a male from what it sounds like
  3333. "Yes sir, this will just be between you and me"
  3334. >"G-Good... I got my belly cannon stuck and I can't put it back"
  3335. >What
  3336. "Excuse me?"
  3337. >"Ahem, let me explain in terms you can understand; I got my dick stuck someplace it isn't supposed to be in"
  3338. "Ahh, have you tried waiting for it to go flaccid?"
  3339. >"Flaccid...?"
  3340. >God damn is this going to be hard and awkward
  3341. "Have you tried waiting for it to go soft?"
  3342. >"They do that?!"
  3343. >What. Okay fuck this, it's obviously a prank
  3344. "Ha ha, very funny prank call. Douche"
  3345. >You slam the phone as hard as you can and grab your bottle
  3346. "Ugh, fucking dickhead teenagers"
  3347.  
  3348.  
  3349. [Browser poni]
  3350. >It's 3 am
  3351. >Almost... One more hour and you can go home
  3352. >You're exhausted
  3353. >RING RING
  3354. "Ughh..."
  3355. >Drearily, you reach to the phone
  3356. >RING RING
  3357. >Just a few more calls, and you're done
  3358. >RING RING
  3359. >Gripping the phone, you pick it up and manage to slur out:
  3360. "Anonymous hanky panky, spanky... service. How may I help-"
  3361. >"WAKE UP ASSHOLE I DON'T PAY YOU TO SLEEP!"
  3362. >FUCK
  3363. >Adrenaline shoots through you from the volume
  3364. >In your panic to straighten yourself out, your legs flail around enough to knock your chair over backwards
  3365. >Uproarious laughter is heard from your boss's room
  3366. >Asshole
  3367. >One more hour...
  3368.  
  3369.  
  3370. [coke pony]
  3371. >day sweetie 3.14 as a sex phone anon
  3372. >walking back to your desk, you finish tying some white cloth around your head and over your right ear after another crazy call
  3373. "fricken bat ponies"
  3374. >you state as you gently rub your right ear and proceed to sit back down at your desk
  3375. >before the phone has a chance to ring again you grab the cola on your desk and take a sip
  3376. >"mmh mmmh" you announce, my god do you love fucking soda. especially since the taste reminds you of your roomma-
  3377. >ring a ding ding motherfucker
  3378. >groaning, you pick up the sonic torture device
  3379. "hello this is phoney sex times"
  3380. >oh god damn it
  3381. "and the guys in the back are still thinking up today's tagline, how may I satisfy you today?"
  3382. >...
  3383. "hello?"
  3384. >you hear the shuffling of hooves, fizzing and a...burp? and clinking?
  3385. >"oh, sorry I'm just a bit nervous" the caller says, with an oddly high voice: as if it's not supposed to go to that pitch
  3386. >you ignore it and decide to finish this as fast as you can,for the sake of your left ear this time
  3387. "oh that's ok miss, it is a bit different since it's both intimate and anonymous. do you have any preferences or do you want me to break the ice?"
  3388. >"ice?" her voice noticeably louder and sounding like you gave her a present she wanted but wouldn't ask for. sounding much more confident she says: "sure, w-we can start with that"
  3389.  
  3390. >hi nonny!
  3391. >oh hi boner, where were you the last few calls?
  3392. >playing cards with your bladder
  3393. "sure" you say, repeating her
  3394. "I would crack a full ice tray and just run them across your belly, feeling you shiver as I rest them on your nipples"
  3395. >"lower..." she says with a hint of desire as you hear more fizzing and clinking and a wet noise, like a sound mixed between the rubbing of wet soft skin and hard glass
  3396. "I-i would drag the ice even lower down your body, just barely resting on your clit"
  3397. >the fizzing. the clinking. and the sound of her now low grunting as she now seems to be making that unrecognizable sound in full force all of a sudden all go into a kind of rhythm like a sexual improv musical
  3398. >hey boner
  3399. >ya?
  3400. >don't leave just yet
  3401. >wasn't planing on it
  3402. >you resist giving your boner what it's really here for as this mare pounds herself so hard that is sounds like she's almost ANGRY at her marehood, to your voice no less: and made all the hotter by thinking you might personally know her
  3403. "I would then spread and insert my left hand's ice cold fingers that were clutching the ice tray this whole time into your lower lips"
  3404. >even lower, almost otherworldly grunts attack your left ear as "the sound" gets even more frequent untill
  3405. >"uuh ah!!" she exclaims as the fizzing sound encompasses all else on the line for a moment
  3406. >you hear vary heavy panting
  3407. "so, Coke. I'll be home at 6 today, do you want to do anything?"
  3408. >"what, you, I'm not..." the line goes dead
  3409. >you sit back in your chair, take another sip of your soda and smile
  3410.  
  3411.  
  3412. [>No hooves]
  3413. "Good evening, Thank you for call-"
  3414. >"Yeah, yeah, I know."
  3415. "Oh, no hooves girl. How can I help you?"
  3416. >"Have you ever fucked one of the mares here?"
  3417. "Plenty."
  3418. >"Really? What's it like...?"
  3419. "Well, their cunts are pretty tight, they can almost squeeze you out if you don't force yourself it."
  3420. >"Oh god, that's amazing. I wish I had a cock. And hooves."
  3421. "..."
  3422. >"What?"
  3423. "Nothing."
  3424. >"Soooo....."
  3425. "We're humans."
  3426. >"Yes, yes we are."
  3427. "D-do you wanna got out sometime? I have spaghetti..."
  3428. >"I'm not allowed to date my clients."
  3429. "Then can I get your number, please?"
  3430. *sigh*
  3431. >"Sure. 551-1234"
  3432. "Great! I live near the dump. It's an old rusty shack, you can't miss it. I'm gonna wear my best fedora and trenchcoat! We can talk about how stupid Christians are a-and how annoying my best friend is; just don't tell her I said that or she'll never shut up. Anyway, what do you look like? I bet you look handsome, haha, Pls respond."
  3433. "...I have clients waiting. See you uhhh..."
  3434. >"Emily."
  3435. "See ya, Emily."
  3436. *click*
  3437.  
  3438. [a filly]
  3439. >It's the last hour of your shift. Things have been going quite smoothly tonight which is a blessing.
  3440. >You glance at the calendar.
  3441. >Tuesday. she's going to call today.
  3442. >Beep Beep.
  3443. >As if on cue.
  3444. "Thank you for calling Mike hunt's sexy phone line! I'm Anonymous. How can I turn you on?"
  3445. >It's silent.
  3446. >"It-it's me.."
  3447. >Speak of the devil they say.
  3448. "I see. And how is daddy's little angel?"
  3449. >She exhales into the reciever.
  3450. >"I'm doing great daddy! I got an A on this quiz. It was perfect! like me. but you already knew that.."
  3451. "Of course. Daddy's little princess is the greatest in the world."
  3452. >She sobs.
  3453. >Every tuesday, she calls in for this "daddyplay".
  3454. >She tells you about her day and ends it with crying.
  3455. >" I-I got a question wrong in school daddy..the kids all laughed at me.."
  3456. "Only because they didn't know it either sweetheart. You just forgot temporarily. that's all!"
  3457. >She sniggles and sniffles.
  3458. "You're the best daughter a father could ask for,"
  3459. >"You're the best daddy a pony could ask for."
  3460. >You sadly listen to her soft boo-hooing.
  3461. >"There's a parent comes to school day..Will you skip work to come by?"
  3462. "Of course dear. Anything for you."
  3463. >"A-and will you tell all the other kids how much you love me?"
  3464. "Of course. I'll sing it from the heavens."
  3465. >This has been going on for at least seven months now. Their phone bill must be insane.
  3466. >"Daddy.."
  3467. "Yes sweetie?"
  3468. >You hear a loud thud, hitting something hard.
  3469. >"If I die..Will you cry at my funeral?"
  3470. "Of course I--wait what?"
  3471. >You hear the sound of a window opening.
  3472. >"I'll dream of you always daddy."
  3473. "WAIT! NO STOP!"
  3474. >You can hear wind blowing into the reciever and a sickening far off thud and crack.
  3475. >You sink to your knees, and weep.
  3476.  
  3477.  
  3478. [another filly]
  3479. >Despite your better judgement your boss convinced you to stay and stick with this traumatizing work.
  3480. >You sit at your desk with your headset on, face cradled in your hands.
  3481. >You hear the line beep.
  3482. >Time to work.
  3483. "Welcome to Mike Hunt's sexy phone chat. I'm Anonymous. How can I turn you on?"
  3484. >"Hello Anonymous. You have a lovely voice."
  3485. >Oh? Sounds like a normal caller. but looks can be decieving.
  3486. >Boner seems pleased.
  3487. "Your voice is pretty sexy yourself. So what can I do for you tonight sweetheart?"
  3488. >"I want you to pretend to be my husband...can you handle that big boy?"
  3489. >Sproing!
  3490. "I can swing that lover. So what are you making me for dinner?"
  3491. >She giggles seductively.
  3492. >"Just a little of this and that..You're coming home right..?"
  3493. "I'll always come home to you baby."
  3494. >"And our son..?"
  3495. "God couldn't keep me away."
  3496. >She sighs.
  3497. >"You wouldn't abandon me during his childbirth..right?"
  3498. "Uh-? No! Never! I love you both with all my heart!"
  3499. >She sighs again.
  3500. >"I wouldn't have to lie to our son everyday? Telling him that his father's at work?"
  3501. >Annnd you're going flaccid.
  3502. "You would never have to lie to him babe. I'll always come home.."
  3503. >She sniffles.
  3504. >"And I wouldn't have to sleep at night, staring at the empty half of the bed wondering if you'll ever come back..?
  3505. >Awww fuck.
  3506. "I'd hold you in my arms, and keep you warm always baby."
  3507. >She coughs and sighs.
  3508. >"Thank you Anonymous.. Thank you so much.
  3509. "You're welcome ma'am."
  3510. >You hear her about to hang up when a high-pitched voice rings over the phone.
  3511. >"Mooooom! Where's my video boooy!"
  3512. >"It's in me and your father's room dear."
  3513.  
  3514.  
  3515. [roleplay mare]
  3516. >Stare at the wall and ponder your life.
  3517. >Ring ring.
  3518. >Heere we go.
  3519. >Ri--
  3520. "Hello and welcome to Hymenbusters, it's like Ghostbusters but sexier!"
  3521. >You feel your inner child start crying.
  3522. "My name is Anonymous, but you can call me Mister Magic Fingers."
  3523. >Now the child is being beaten by his drunken father.
  3524. >"H-hello? Can you hear me alright?"
  3525. "Yes ma'am, are you ready to get steamy?"
  3526. >"O-oh my, yes, well, uhh..."
  3527. >She goes quiet for a second.
  3528. >Perhaps you came on too strongly--
  3529. >"So I've never done this before, but a friend recommended it to me..."
  3530. "That's fine, miss...?"
  3531. >"Oh, ahh, I'd prefer no names."
  3532. "Understandable. What can I do for you?"
  3533. >"Could umm... Oh gosh, this is embarrassing!"
  3534. >Give off a gentle laugh.
  3535. "I assure you, ma'am, it's fine; I'm here to help you satisfy your -every- need~"
  3536. >"Okay, okay, how about r-roleplay?"
  3537. >Your inner child gives your inner drunken father a nervous look.
  3538. >This won't end well.
  3539. "Roleplay sounds fine, anything specific in mind?"
  3540. >"W-well I'm your boss, and your my secretary, i-is that okay?"
  3541. >That's vanilla as fuck.
  3542. >...Gods be praised!
  3543. >With a smile you answer her.
  3544. "That sounds perfect, -ma'am-."
  3545. >She giggles.
  3546. >"'Ma'am', I like that~"
  3547. "I have your financial reports here, ma'am, could you... Check them for me?"
  3548. >"I'll check more than the reports, Mister Anon~ Get your ass over here."
  3549. "M-Ma'am! This isn't appropriate conduct for the workplace!"
  3550. >The mare on the other end of the phone lets out a moan at this.
  3551. >"Oh god that's hot--.. Uhh-- I mean, I run the show around here, I say what is and what isn't appropriate; get over here and show me th-that h-hot... Oh gosh I can't say it."
  3552. "Sh-should I take my pants off, ma'am?"
  3553.  
  3554. >"Y-yes please..."
  3555. >After a while of silence you hear a warm laugh.
  3556. >"This whole thing is rather silly, isn't it?"
  3557. >Join her in laughing.
  3558. "Yes, it is. I have to do this for nine hours a day, you know."
  3559. >"Oh, well that doesn't sound very fun... Is the pay nice?"
  3560. "Not really, it barely pays the bills, so... Yeah."
  3561. >...
  3562. >"Anonymous?"
  3563. "Yes, ma'am?"
  3564. >Another giggle.
  3565. >"Come on by the town hall tomorrow and ask for the Mayor, I'll see if I-- uhh, I'll see if she can't get you a nice comfortable intern job."
  3566. >Holy shit what.
  3567. "R-really?"
  3568. >"Yes! Does that sound good?"
  3569. "Sounds fantastic!"
  3570. >"Excellent! I'll see you at eight thirty."
  3571. >Oh fucking yes this mare is your saviour.
  3572. "Oh, uhh, one question before you go."
  3573. >"Yes?"
  3574. "What's the internship for?"
  3575. >"Oh, well, the Mayor needs a new secretary~"
  3576. >Click.
  3577.  
  3578. >Your dick has never been harder.
  3579.  
  3580. [a sucide mare]
  3581. >Ring ring
  3582. >Here we go again.
  3583. >"Hello, thank you for calling 'friend in need', how can i he-"
  3584. >You hear soft, choking sobs.
  3585. "...It's okay, take a deep breath, I'm here for you..."
  3586. >You say softly, wiping beads of sweat off your brow.
  3587. >You've done this before, but every time was just as intense. A life was on the line after all.
  3588. "Breath with me, slow deep breaths, breath in-"
  3589. >You hear a stuttery inhale
  3590. "-and out.."
  3591. >A quick exhale.
  3592. >She, you think its a she anyways, seems to have calmed a bit.
  3593. "Talk to me.."
  3594. >Theres a breathless silence.
  3595. >"I-I'm all alone...n-no one cares about me..."
  3596. >Christ
  3597. "Thats not true, I care-"
  3598. >"N-no you don't! You're just saying that!" She squeaks the words out, her voice hoarse.
  3599. >"I-Its your job to say that stuff!"
  3600. "Please, calm down...yes, this is my job, but I have this job for a reason... I care about you, about any pony that calls here.. I just want to help you."
  3601. >"I-I can't be helped..."
  3602. >You hear something rattle around
  3603. >"I'll eat all of these.. th-then...then I won't hurt anymore...."
  3604. >You sigh and rest your head on your hands.
  3605. >"I-If I go, everything will still be the same tomorrow won't it?"
  3606. "Not for me..."
  3607. >"What? B-but you don't even know me.."
  3608. "I'll remember this...I remember every pony I couldn't save...."
  3609. >Your eyes water at their memory. Why couldn't you save them...
  3610. >"S-save me huh?"
  3611. >You hear a loud sniff, and the top of a bottle pop off
  3612. >"I-I'm in a little shack...on the eastern side of Ponyville...y-you have ten minutes.."
  3613. >Click!
  3614. >Without a second thought you jump out of your chair, fling your headset off and grab your coat.
  3615. >You nearly crash into your boss as you beat feet out of the building and into the gloomy rainy Ponyville street.
  3616. >You never ran so fast for so long in your life, the entire trip your mind plagued with thoughts of a little pony body, limp and cold in your arms.
  3617. >You find the shack, running up to the door, only to find it locked. The lights all off inside.
  3618.  
  3619. [Story by Writefig !4ZaglgZkfc]
  3620. >You decided to quit the phone sex operator job,best decision you've made ever since
  3621. >Apparently technology has been on a boom ever since your arrival, and they obviously needed help on it
  3622. >So right after quitting your phone sex operating job, you easily landed a tech support job
  3623. >Your train of thought is easily disrupted by the ringing of your phone
  3624. "Ah! First customer"
  3625. >Hurriedly, you grabbed the phone; almost causing it to fall
  3626. "Hello and welcome to Anonymous Tech Support, how may I help you?"
  3627. >"Hello, I need help with a virus"
  3628. >The voice was somewhat familiar, sounded like Twilight
  3629. "Can you describe the virus, miss-"
  3630. >"Twilight Sparkle, you can call me Twilight for short"
  3631. >Shit, what the fuck did they do to your computer
  3632. "TWILIGHT WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO MY PRECIOUS"
  3633. >"A-Anon?! I can explain, it's not my fault!"
  3634. "GOD FUCKING DAMMIT, DID YOU KNOW HOW LONG IT TOOK FOR ME TO MAKE THAT SHIT?!"
  3635. >"A-Anon I swear it's just a small problem"
  3636. >Sobbing was heard over the phone, which caused you to stop your loud outburst. With a sigh you begin to rub your temples
  3637. "Ok, what's the problem Twilight?"
  3638. >"Th-*sob*the thing is black"
  3639. >All of this bullshit, just because they accidentally turned it off
  3640. >Click
  3641. >You put the phone down as you begin to review your life choices; maybe you should've stayed being a phone sex operator
  3642.  
  3643. >You wake up with bloodshot eyes as you take a swig from your glass of orange juice, Vitamin C is no joke
  3644. >Tech support was hard work, it was like trying to educate a child. What's worse is that half the calls are coming from your own damn home
  3645. >Note to self, move out of the library
  3646. >The phone's ringing echoes throughout your cubicle, almost startling you
  3647. >You take a large breath of air as you look at your 'IWTCIRD' poster for motivation
  3648. "Hello, Anonymous Tech Support how may I be of assistance?"
  3649. >"C-Can you call me pretty again?"
  3650. >This caused you to do a double take
  3651. "Excuse me?"
  3652. >"I mean I need help with my computer"
  3653. "What about it?"
  3654. >"Y-You see I have an open USB port but I have nothing to fill it"
  3655. >Wait, that stuttering
  3656. "Fluttershy, I can't help you with that. You'll have to buy a flash drive yourself"
  3657. >"O-Oh... I-I mean I need help plugging up a-an audio jack"
  3658. "So, what do you want me to do?"
  3659. >"I want you to guide me with the insertion"
  3660. >The unmistakable sound of a small moan and wet squelching noises are heard through the phone
  3661. "Fluttershy... Are, are you masturbating?"
  3662. >"Eeep!"
  3663. >Click
  3664. >These fucking horny ponies, I need a drink
  3665.  
  3666. >Sunny Delight sure knows how to make a wonderful as fuck orange juice, you should ask her how she does it
  3667. >You go back to your chair and lay down your canister of OJ, it's going to be a long night
  3668. >Ring ring
  3669. "Hello Anonymous Tech Support how my I help you?"
  3670. >"IT APPEARS AS IF OUR PERSONAL COMPUTER WISHES TO ENRAGE US"
  3671. >God-...
  3672. "What do you mean by that?"
  3673. >"IT DOES NOT WISH TO ARISE FROM ITS SLUMBER"
  3674. >These fucking ponies
  3675. "Have you tried pressing the button that says 'power'?"
  3676. >You could hear the phone being dropped down, a couple of hurried hoofsteps and some mumbling
  3677. >"HUZZAH, THANK YOU FOR YOUR ASSISTANCE ANONYMOUS. YOU WILL BE REWARDED HANDSOMELY IN YOUR SLUMBER"
  3678. >Jesus Christ
  3679. "STAY THE FUCK AWAY FROM MY DREAMS PRINCESS"
  3680. >"WE SEE YOU ARE USING THE ROYAL CANTERLOT VOICE, DOES THIS MEAN YOU ARE OF ROYALTY BACK ON EARTH?!"
  3681. "JUST STAY THE FUCK AWAY FROM MY DREAMS PRINCESS"
  3682. >"WE SHALL NOT MAKE PROMISES WE CANNOT KEEP. EXPECT US TO BE RUTTING YOU ANONYMOUS"
  3683. >Click
  3684. >God fucking dammit, and that was supposed to be your last call of the day. Looks like you're going overtime
  3685.  
  3686. >You awaken from that nightmare, Luna wasn't lying when she said she was going to rape you
  3687. >Shuddering from the traumatic thoughts, you take a sip from your OJ to drain them out
  3688. >As if on queue, the phone rings again
  3689. >I fucking swear, if it's Luna I will-
  3690. "Hello and welcome to Anonymous Tech Support, how may I be of service?"
  3691. >"IT IS US, DID YOU ENJOY OUR COITUS?"
  3692. >You remove the phone and put the it as close to your mouth as you can
  3693. "FUCK OFF"
  3694. >You slam it down as hard as you can, immediately the phone rings again
  3695. >You rub your temples with your hands as you take a sip from your OJ, these silly straws are pretty fucking useful
  3696. "Hello and welcome to Anonymous Tech Support, how may I help you?"
  3697. >"Yes, my computer isn't working"
  3698. >You let out a sigh of relief
  3699. "What's the problem?"
  3700. >"It won't boot up no matter how hard I try, I made sure it was plugged in"
  3701. >For the first time, a pony who knew what she was doing
  3702. >Everything went smooth and slick, except for the constant pauses as she needed to move about
  3703. "And I think that's about it, Miss-"
  3704. >"Oh, you can call me Rarity. It was a pleasure having you help me darling"
  3705. "The pleasure is all mine Miss Rarity"
  3706. >Click
  3707. >You indulge in the euphoria of having to talk with a normal customer, you gently lay your head down on your desk
  3708. >Eventually you succumbed to your fatigue, as you gently fall asleep you ready yourself for whatever rape plan Luna in store for you.
  3709.  
  3710.  
  3711. [After 56 hours of uninterrupted work]
  3712. >It's been 56 hours on the dot
  3713. >You haven't slept, you haven't bathed and you haven't eaten
  3714. >You've dealt with everything from horny Goddesses to suicidal foals in this 56 hours
  3715. >Your boss won't let you leave. Evidently labor laws are very loose here in Equestria, especially where Celestia's favorite monkey sex-line is concerned
  3716. >You groan and lay your head on your desk, staring at the phone
  3717. >It's been dead for nearly an hour now. (Not that you're complaining)
  3718. >You're about to get up and go get some more coffee when it finally rings
  3719. >Ring ring, ring ring
  3720. >You stare at it, almost too terrified to answer again
  3721. >You look over and your boss is glaring daggers at you
  3722. >Ring ring, ring ring
  3723. >With a groan and a severe rolling of the eyes you pick up
  3724. "Hello, Anonymous'..." You have no opener for once, "Anonymous at your service."
  3725. >"Um... Hi."
  3726. >You think you might recognize the voice but you can't be sure
  3727. "How may I service you today?"
  3728. >You can barely muster the energy to sound like you might be somewhat happy to be speaking to her
  3729. >"Oh, I just wanted to see how you're doing."
  3730. "What?"
  3731. >"How are you doing? I know you've been working really hard to keep everyone happy."
  3732. >You still can't place the voice, but it's right on the tip of your tongue
  3733. "I'm... fine. What would you like me to do for you?"
  3734. >You can almost hear her warm smile when she responds,
  3735. >"Oh, nothing. I'm just glad to know you're feeling okay."
  3736. >You strain to listen and you don't hear any squelching or heavy breathing or anything
  3737. >She might be for real
  3738. "Well.. Thanks. How are you?"
  3739. >You have no idea how to respond in this situation
  3740. >"I'm great! I have to go now, but just remember that I love you and I'm thinking about you."
  3741. "Wait!"
  3742. >You can't let her go without finding out who it is
  3743. >She's the only mare in 56 hours to even pretend to give a shit about you, after all
  3744. "Yes?"
  3745. >You struggle to find a way to put this delicately
  3746. "I... Who is this?"
  3747. >You let out a dejected sigh, failing to find a better way to phrase it
  3748.  
  3749. >There's no response
  3750. "Hello? I'm sorry, I just can't recognize your voice over the phone..."
  3751. >Still no response
  3752. "Look, please don't be offended, I just-"
  3753. >The phone in your hand rings, startling you
  3754. >You stare at the phone blankly as it rings again
  3755.  
  3756. >Your eyes snap open
  3757. >The phone on your desk is ringing steadily
  3758. >You peel your face off of the smooth, polished wood and rub your eyes as the realization washes over you
  3759. "Of course it was a dream..."
  3760. >You stare at the ringing phone, your spirits utterly crushed
  3761.  
  3762.  
  3763. [IRON WILL]
  3764. >Another sleepless night
  3765. >The phone rings once again, you've learned to adjust to it
  3766. "Hello and welcome to Anonymous Phone Support, how may I hel-"
  3767. >"IRON WILL HAS NO TIME FOR YOUR GAMES"
  3768. >Great, another shouter
  3769. "And what do you need help with, sir?"
  3770. >"IRON WILL WANTS TO SEE IF YOU CAN CAN SHOW HIM WHO'S BOSS"
  3771. >Those nights watching WWE is going to help
  3772. "In this corner, a fierce minotaur weighing over five hundred pouuuuunddss-"
  3773. >You open up your mp3 player and play "Let's get ready to rumble"
  3774. "IRON WILL!!"
  3775. >"YEAAAH!"
  3776. >You could hear him flexing from over here
  3777. "And in this corner, weighing over two hundred pouuunds-"
  3778. >You clear your throat as you ready your best Hulk Hogan
  3779. "HUUULK HOGAAAN"
  3780. >"BOOOO"
  3781. "I'M GONNA PUT MY FOOT SO FAR UP YOUR ASS I'LL SNAP INTO YA LIKE A SLIM JIM BROTHER"
  3782. >"MESS WITH THE BULL, AND YOU GET THE HORNS"
  3783. >You clear your throat once more as you ready up your announcer voice
  3784. "Ok, I want a good clean fight really squeaky clean. No back rubbing, no docking, no dick grabbing and none of that homo stuff. We clear"
  3785. >"CLEAR AS CRYSTAL"
  3786. "I'LL FOOKIN REK U CUNT"
  3787. >You can hear him groan from over the mic, you didn't give one fuck considering the shit you've been through
  3788. >"YEAH YOU BETTER SHOW IRON WILL WHO'S BOSS"
  3789. "PLAY TIME IS OGRE FOLKS"
  3790. >The sound of snake wrestling gets even louder, he was getting really into this
  3791. "WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY SWAMP?!"
  3792. >"YOU MAKE ME GROAN, I BLOW MY LOAD"
  3793. >You lets out a loud groan, causing a ringing on your ears as you drop the phone
  3794. >A willhelm scream is heard as you see a white tsunami heading your way
  3795. "Rosebud..."
  3796. >The tsunami collapses on your building, as you struggle for breath
  3797. >This awakens your co-worker, making him flare
  3798. "Wasn't my fault"
  3799. >He begins to angrily scribble down a note and places it on your desk
  3800. >'Minotaurs are now banned'
  3801. >He looks at you deadpan in the eye, as cum drops down from his moustache
  3802. "Gotcha, scruffy"
  3803. >Fucking minotaurs
  3804.  
  3805.  
  3806. [Random]
  3807. >Your phone rings again, waking you up from your slumber
  3808. >Timidly, you pick it up as you mentally slap yourself awake
  3809. >You put it up to your ears and you speak in the most monotone voice you've ever made
  3810. "Hello and welcome to Anonymous Phone Support, how may I -"
  3811. >"YEAH!"
  3812. "Excuse me?"
  3813. >"YEAAAH!"
  3814. >You can hear what can only be describe as someone gently flicking a sausage
  3815. "Sir if you would just let me-"
  3816. >"YEAAAAAH!"
  3817. >The sound has evolved from 'sausage flicking' to full on clopping
  3818. >Deciding to play on with the act, you ready your best 'Big Mac' impression
  3819. "Nnnope"
  3820. >"YEAAAAAAH!"
  3821. >The sound of vigorous masturbation is heard from the other end
  3822. "Nope"
  3823. >"Y-YEAAAAH"
  3824. >You can hear him breathing heavily
  3825. >You move the phone to your mouth as you get an idea
  3826. "Eeyuup"
  3827. >"YEAAAAAA-"
  3828. >You drop the phone on the ground like a hot potato, as you get off your seat
  3829. >Walking towards your bosses office, a 'yeah' is still heard
  3830. "Hey boss?"
  3831. >"Yeah?"
  3832. "Call my therapist"
  3833. >You proceed to sit in the corner and curl up in a fetal position, your boss awkwardly looking at you
  3834.  
  3835. -----
  3836.  
  3837. >You've been listening to two random ponies bitching at each other over the phone for about twenty minutes now
  3838. >You aren't sure what wires got crossed to make it happen, but it's a happy reprieve from the endless onslaught of sloppy-wet mares
  3839. >One of them is apparently upset about some kind of psychopath, the other is calling the first an edgy bitch
  3840. >The connection isn't great and you have to strain to hear them but it beats the shit out of the sounds of wet vagina.
  3841. >Your eyes widen in horror
  3842. >You've just realized you're more inclined to listen to two seemingly underaged colts fight over the phone than hear mare after mare climax to your voice
  3843. >Your jaw falls open as you realize that you'd even rather talk to Big Mac than more high pitched, sometimes hysterical mares
  3844. "This... This job made me gay. I'm gay."
  3845. >You drop the phone and stand up
  3846. >You go outside for a cigarette, your expression of life-altering horror glued to your face the entire time
  3847.  
  3848. -----
  3849.  
  3850. >You stare intently at the phone for what seems like hours, just waiting, hoping, for a call.
  3851. >Nothing.
  3852. >Nothing.
  3853. >...
  3854. >Ri-
  3855. >You clench the handle and bring it to your ear.
  3856. "Hello! Welcome to Lust Dial, this is anon, how can I help you, s-sexy mama?"
  3857. >Fuck.
  3858. >"Hello, this is an automated call to tell you that you are 3 days late to pay your monthly bill. If you would like to play your phone bill; Press 1. If you want to speak to a employee; Press 2. Para español, presione tres."
  3859. "Boss, its the phone company. I'll transfer the call to your office."
  3860. >You hang up and sigh, before locking your view to the phone once more.
  3861. >tfw
  3862.  
  3863.  
  3864. -----
  3865.  
  3866. ''Hello, this is Ponyville Sex line, where I'll be anything from an anonamouse to anonalion, just for you.'
  3867. >shit like this doesn't even touch you anymore
  3868. >you like to imagine the fucker who wrote this is dead and eventually the list will end
  3869. >'H-hello, Garry?'
  3870. >really, an old colt?
  3871. >you wonder if your teeth are sharp enough to puncture your boss's throat
  3872. 'Hey there...'
  3873. >'Waddles, geez I know you're an old coot but you're not that old yet'
  3874. 'So what are you wearing Waddles?'
  3875. >'The bow tie you gave me for my birthday three years ago'
  3876. 'Anything else?'
  3877. >you try to suppress your gag reflex
  3878. >'My glasses, I guess?'
  3879. >does this geezer know how to phone sex?
  3880. 'So do you have anything you want to talk about?'
  3881. >'Well I went out to the park and fed some geese.'
  3882. >okay, this fucker definitely doesn't know how to phone sex
  3883. >simultaneously glad and irritated for some reason
  3884. 'Oh, did you play any chess while there?
  3885. >do they even have chessboards in parks anymore?
  3886. >'No, nobody wants to play with some old man. Besides, it doesn't feel right without you.'
  3887. >this is getting kind of weird
  3888. >'You know Goldie Delicious's sick again, hardly a surprise considering what a sty she lives in'
  3889. 'I hope she gets better?'
  3890. >you have no idea what to talk to this old guy about
  3891. >'The Apples are tough little bastards but she might not make it this time.'
  3892. >His voice is tired, not sad, just tired
  3893. >'Seems like I should've kept in contact with more ponies, the one's here are dropping like flies!'
  3894. >'You know Darwin misses you, the damn turtle looks to the door like you're gonna walk in every time the mailpony comes.'
  3895. >you think about Spike sitting alone in the house
  3896. >at least you managed to get Berry Punch to feed him
  3897. >pretty sure Twilight won't notice a missing bottle or 12 from her liquor cabinet
  3898. 'Thanks for taking care of him, I hope he isn't too much trouble.'
  3899. >'Not at all, old pony like me needs some company besides from some dirty talk line'
  3900.  
  3901. >he's quiet for a while
  3902. 'Hey are you still there?'
  3903. >'Yeah, it's just-' he starts choking up
  3904. >'It's been a little over a year since I put you in the ground'
  3905. >you stay quiet
  3906. >'Craziest thing happened during the funeral, a filly straight and jumped on your casket and called me old.'
  3907. >he laughed at that
  3908. >'Had to pretend to be upset for the company but I laughed enough for both of us after, I knew you'd find that funny.'
  3909. >you could hear the tears start now
  3910. >'I've got a secret.
  3911. 'What is it?'
  3912. >'I always hoped you'd outlive me, I know, it's selfish but it's lonely here.'
  3913. 'I-i'm sure he'd understand'
  3914. >shit, broke character
  3915. >they never went over how to talk like a dead old guy
  3916. >he doesn't seem to notice
  3917. >'You know I still don't smoke inside? It doesn't feel the same without you yellin' at me to take it to the porch.'
  3918. >'You always said how you hated the smell but you sat out with me anyway.'
  3919. 'You weren't bad company.'
  3920. >he breaks down at that
  3921. >you try comforting him but you doubt he could hear you over his crying
  3922. >he calms down in a couple minutes
  3923. >'Happy anniversary, Gerry I miss you'
  3924. 'I miss you too.'
  3925. >he hangs up and you put the receiver down
  3926. >you really hope Berry left you at least one bottle
  3927.  
  3928. -----
  3929.  
  3930. >You are rudely awakened by the phone's ringing
  3931. >Opening your bloodshot eyes, you look at the clock
  3932. "Who the hell is calling at 2 AM?"
  3933. >You decided not to let the customer wait any longer
  3934. "Hello and welcome to Anonymous Phone Support, how may I help you?"
  3935. >"This is just between you and I, correct?"
  3936. >Another first time male, your boss is seriously fucking with you
  3937. "Yes sir, this is strictly between us"
  3938. >"Do you do roleplay?"
  3939. "Yes sir, we cater to every need you have"
  3940. >"Can you pretend I'm a little girl?"
  3941. "You are the most beautiful little girl out there"
  3942. >"Thank you, can you brush my hair as you hum me a lullaby?"
  3943. >You were prepared for shit like this, you take out a comb as you brush your own hair; trying to make it as audible as possible as you begin humming out a tune
  3944. >You can hear wet sausage strangling accompanied with the occasional short grunt
  3945. >His breathing intensifies as he lets out a satisfied grunt, the splashing of cum is heard
  3946. >"T-Thank you, maybe I won't b& you after all"
  3947. >Click
  3948. >The fuck?
  3949.  
  3950. -----
  3951.  
  3952. >Another day another shekel
  3953. >You take a seat on your new comfortable as fuck office chair
  3954. >Ring ring
  3955. >You smile warmly at the telephone, nothing could ruin your mood today
  3956. "Hello and welcome to Anonymous Phone Support, how may I help you?"
  3957. >"Can you tell me how much you like my epic brony dating sim?"
  3958. >Another male, god damn it, boss is probably fucking with you
  3959. "Yes sir- your dating sim is the best game out there"
  3960. >You hear a small groan as the bush whacking begins
  3961. >"T-Tell me how much shekels you'd donate for my kickstarter"
  3962. "Around 750 bits, the game better be worth it"
  3963. >His breathing gets heavier and quicker
  3964. >"U-unf... Tell me that I don't live off of food stamps and raisins"
  3965. "With a man of your calibre? I doubt it, I bet you get gourmet food daily"
  3966. >He lets out a loud groan
  3967. >"T-Tell me that you're going to give me a lot of dopamine and raisins"
  3968. "I will shower you daily with best dopamine and the finest of raisins"
  3969. >"I-I'm.."
  3970. >He lets out a loud grunt as you hear the unmistakable sound of cum splash on the floor
  3971. >"T-Thanks for the dopamine and raisins, also I scammed you so hard by not paying a single dime"
  3972. "But sir, this is a free servic-"
  3973. >"I SCAMMED YOU"
  3974. "But-"
  3975. >"THX FOR DOPAMINE AND RAISINS BAI"
  3976. >Click
  3977.  
  3978. -----
  3979.  
  3980. >Ring Ring
  3981. >You tap your headset and take the next call
  3982. "You're on the horn with Anonymous. How can I filly your funtasia today?"
  3983. >You hear a shifting sound and what you assume are cans being knocked over
  3984. >"Yeah, I'd like to know who exactly the hell you think you are, you freakin' fruitbowl," a Stallion with a Southern accent replied
  3985. "Excuse me?"
  3986. >"Yeah, I've been in this business since you were in diapers, boi! If you think that you can just waltz in and take my viewers, I'd be more than happy to send my army of True Capitalists down on your hambone infested, shit spewing, ridiculous broadcast and make you my bitch!"
  3987. >wot
  3988. "Sir, I don't know what you're talking about! I don't even want to be here!"
  3989. >"Oh, yeah, now you don't, because you got the ultimate master of ass whopping, Ghost, coming after your jelly ass self!"
  3990. >You sigh
  3991. "Ok, that's it you fucking hick. If you don't stop harassing me, I swear to Celestia, I'll trace this number and-"
  3992. >A third caller somehow gets into the conversation
  3993. >"GHOST, PLEASE JOIN ME! MY BATHTUB FULL OF GRAVY AWAITS YOUR BODY! OOOOOH MY!"
  3994. >"SHUT UP!"
  3995. "SHUT UP!"
  3996. >Even more callers join
  3997. >"SUCK MAH DIIIICK! SUCK MAH DIIICK!"
  3998. >"I am your host, the man they call Ghost, I'm a Goddamn racist, I'm a Goddamn piece of crap!"
  3999. >"SHUT UP, JUST STOP THIS, YOU CYBER VERMIN!"
  4000. >You hear more cans
  4001. "Fuck this, I'm done"
  4002. >You leave the call
  4003.  
  4004. -----
  4005.  
  4006. >It was another day as you take a seat on your cubicle, you were in a surprisingly good mood today
  4007. >Taking a sip out of your OJ, you look at the now ringing phone
  4008. "First customer of the day!"
  4009. >You shouted out with childlike glee, you wanted to bask in this euphoria for now before grabbing the phone
  4010. "Hello, welcome to Anonymous Phone Support, how may I be of service?"
  4011. >"Uhh yes, my car is recently having some trouble"
  4012. >You could hear an engine whirring at the background
  4013. "What seems to be the problem?"
  4014. >You could hear her move the phone closer as the sound of her breathing gets louder
  4015. >"I think my car is haunted"
  4016. >You stifle a laugh
  4017. "What do you mean by that, ma'am?"
  4018. >"It moves on it's own and - BEEP BEEP"
  4019. >"NO MR CAR, NOOO"
  4020. >The sound of whirring increases as a willhelm scream is heard somewhere in Ponyville
  4021. >Fucking ponies and their magic
  4022. ***
  4023. ***
  4024. >You're resting your chin on your palm, elbow on your desk
  4025. >You idly twirl the telephone cord with your finger, staring out the window
  4026. "It's been like an hour..."
  4027. >You glance at the phone
  4028. >It remains silent
  4029. >You continue idly twirling the cord
  4030. "Are... Are they bored of me?"
  4031. >You lay your head down on the desk, frowning
  4032. >The phone is still silent
  4033.  
  4034. >Meanwhile, in Ponyville
  4035. >Countless mares are laying in puddles of their own fluids, panting and recovering
  4036. >Each one of them moans and twitches occasionally, their thorough satisfaction leaving them overly sensitive
  4037. >Even a few stallions are trying to catch their breath
  4038. >Anon had done it, he'd pleased every pony with even a passing interest
  4039. >Now they were sleepy
  4040. >And he was bored
  4041.  
  4042. >You hear a slow clap coming from your Boss's office
  4043. >He's looking at you behind his desk, which he has his hooves kicked upon
  4044. >"Well done, Anon. Well fucking done."
  4045. >An eerie silence breaks out in the two adjacent rooms as you stare at him
  4046. >He slowly gets out of the chair and trots towards you
  4047. >Your eyes widen, awaiting whatever sick fate your boss shall make you suffer
  4048. >You shield your face as he gets closer
  4049. >You shut your eyes tight
  4050. >Then you feel something stick to your shirt
  4051. "Wha-?"
  4052. >You look down
  4053. >It's a button reading "Employee of the Month"
  4054. >"Congratulations."
  4055. "Er...thank you Scr- I mean, sir."
  4056. >"You can take the rest of today and tomorrow off, if you want," he grumbles, slowly reaching into his coat pocket and retrieving the key to your anklet
  4057. >You watch in growing awe as your freedom seems closer and closer to a reality
  4058. >Then the phone rings
  4059. "Aw fuck," you grunt
  4060. >"Don't worry, Anon, I've got this one."
  4061. >Wow, really?
  4062. >He reaches for the phone and instantly becomes a new pony
  4063. >"Thanks for calling Equestria's number one hotline! How may I serve your needs?"
  4064. >You lean in to hear the caller
  4065. >"OH ANON, I CAN'T HOLD IT IN ANY LONGER! PLEASE LET ME SMOTHER YOU WITH MY SWOLLEN CROTCHTITS AS WE MAKE LOVE UPON THE FLUFFIEST OF FLUFFY PONIES AFTER WE WORSHIP EACH OTHER'S ASSES!"
  4066. >Glass breaks somewhere
  4067. >You and your boss have the blankest of expressions on your faces except your dong is expand and his is delay
  4068. >He hangs up the phone
  4069. >Slowly turning to you to reveal the most smug look you have ever seen on another being
  4070. >He yanks off your pin
  4071. >He walks with quite a pace to the nearest trash bin
  4072. >That same smug look is on his face
  4073. >He takes the key
  4074. >Snaps it into four pieces
  4075. >Throws it and pin into bin
  4076. >Walks into office
  4077. >Comes back with gasoline
  4078. >Pours into bin
  4079. >Lights a match
  4080. >Sets contents of bin on fire
  4081. >Looks back at you
  4082. >You see the entire world burning in his eyes
  4083. >"Well? Get back to work!"
  4084.  
  4085. The true heroes of the story:
  4086. >Meanwhile, in the office around the corner from Anon's desk ...
  4087.  
  4088. >Two weary looking stallions are diligently at work, one thoughtfully tapping the end of his pencil on his desk while the other paces about.
  4089. >"Okay ... how about 'Just like bedbugs, I'll give you a good time under your sheets' ?"
  4090. >The pacing pony pauses and shakes his head.
  4091. >"That's the stupidest thing I've ever heard."
  4092. >"How come?"
  4093. >"Seriously? Someone calls up a sex line and the first thing they hear is that they have bedbugs? That's gross."
  4094. >The desk pony huffs and furrows his brow.
  4095. >"Tch. Fine. How about this one then 'Anon's Hot-time Hotline -- you grill it, I'll fill it."
  4096. >"... 'You grill it... I'll fill it?"
  4097. >"Yeah."
  4098. >"What? To what, exactly, does that even refer?"
  4099. >"Well, you know..."
  4100. >His partner grins and wiggles his eyebrows.
  4101. >"Her vagina."
  4102. >The other pony rubs his forehead with his hoof and breathes a heavy sigh.
  4103. >"... Put that one on the 'maybe' pile."
  4104.  
  4105.  
  4106. The consequence:
  4107. >As the sickening sounds of carnal pleasure erupt from the phone for what has to be the hundredth time tonight, you sullenly lower the phone to the receiver.
  4108. >You rub your temples and sigh. You've been sitting here so long that your ass is starting to hurt.
  4109. "One more week. Just one more week and I'll have enough to pay off the damage to Toilet Sprinkle's treebrary."
  4110. >You stand up slightly and run your hands down your back and onto your aching a--
  4111. "JESUS FUCK"
  4112. >You scream as you pull your hands off of your inflamed derriere and grab onto the walls of your cubicle.
  4113. >You have no idea why they stuck you in a cubicle, you're the only one who works here.
  4114. >The ache in your ass has erupted into a full-on burn, greater than any assdamage you have ever experienced before.
  4115. >You stumble into the bathroom and yank the back of your pants down to try and alleviate the heat. There are patches of bright red skin on either side.
  4116. >As you start to back up towards the sink to apply cool water to the burnt areas, they explode into a bright light, blinding you.
  4117. >As your vision fades back in, you see something new on your asscheeks.
  4118. >It's a picture of a phone handset, with grawlixes spewing from the speaker.
  4119. >You curl up on the floor of the bathroom and weep silently for longer than you care to recall.

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