Bad Timeline (RGRE, shitpost)


                                            >"Anon, can you talk to to Nonny, please? I'm worried about her. She's so sad."

                                            >Ah yes, the other human in Equestria...for a given value of human.

                                            >Poor Cockney bastard got turned into a mare by whatever force sent him to Equus.

                                            >So while he's not QUITE as miserable as he would have been back on Earth, he - or rather, SHE -- isn't a whole lot better off, either.

                                            >He's still expected to fill the same sort of roles in society that he would have back home...and he's no good at any of them.

                                            >And you're getting distracted in the middle of a conversation again. You'd blame the home-brewed beer you're drinking, but you're like this when you're sober too.

                                            "I'm not exactly much better, Pinkie."

                                            >"You're not lying around in the dark all the time either!"

                                            "Ponks, I lie around in the dark a lot. I'm clinically diagnosed with major depression, major anxiety disorder, severe anger issues, and the lingering remnants of Attention Deficit Disorder. I also suffer from intrusive, horrific mental images.  Since Equestria doesn't have modern psych meds, if I'm not at least two beers drunk, all that stuff preys on my mental health. And if I AM two beers drunk, I'm mildly mentally impaired, because my alcohol tolerance means I need at least 8% abv. So I have to balance sobriety with the need to be at least somewhat functional every damn day."

                                            >Pinkie makes a whining noise.

                                            "Don't feel bad, Pinkie, there's nothing you can do about it. Some of it's gotten better as I age. I can actually have sex now without getting a horror-show inside my head half the time, and I'm only filled with screaming berserker rage a few times a week..."

                                            >Pinkie makes the whining noise again, rather louder, and her hair starts deflating.

                                            "No, seriously, Equestria's a vast improvement over my previous existence. As a ward of the state, I have time to do the things that I enjoy doing. Besides, selling technology to the Crown for reverse engineering made me enough to afford a nice house and twenty acres on the edge of Whitetail Woods and live a life of leisure. Shame the deer here are sapient..."

                                            >Now Ponka Po makes a gagging noise.

                                            "Omnivore. Can't help it. Eggs, fish, and pork do the job, but sometimes I crave really red meat, so rare that it's still cool in the center..."

                                            >An organic splattering sound snaps you out of your gory reverie.

                                            >Huh. Ponk had donuts for breakfast. Or possibly lunch.

                                            >Also, you're going to have to mop your kitchen floor.

                                            "Sorry. Yeah, I'll talk to Nonny for you."

                                            >"YAY! So when's the intervention?"

                                            >You look at your watch.

                                            "Well, it's after noon, so...no time like the present. Let me clean the floor up first, though."

                                            >You blot up the vomit, throw the ruined towel in the trash, throw the trash bag in the main garbage can before the puke can eat through it, and mop the lingering dregs up.

                                            >Pinkie helped.

                                            >Then you have another beer before going to confront Anonmare.


                                            >Several hours later, it's not going well.

                                            >"Bullshit. You're tall and you're not ugly as shit, you're rolling in pussy."

                                            "You'd fucking think so, wouldn't you? I haven't had sex since I got here last year, and I wasn't doing any too well before that."

                                            >"You're a fucking liar, you are. I've heard mares talking about how they want to feel your cum running down their legs."

                                            "Just because they want to fuck me, that doesn't mean the feeling's mutual. I mean, I wouldn't stick my dick in Cloud Kicker if she paid me, and you'd have to physically drag me into contact with Rainbow Dash's filthy fucking fetid cunt. None of the mares that I'm interested in find me attractive -- or if they do, they're not compatible with me."

                                            >"Bull-fucking-shit, Yank."

                                            "Really, ya limey bastard? Moondancer's asexual, Octavia finds my ape form repulsive, Inky Rose and Lightning Dust both think I'm too fat, Vinyl's a junkie, Limestone Pie turned out to be too goddamn surly even for me, Delta Vee doesn't want any more kids because her shithead ex-husband knocked her up at the worst possible time and ruined her life, and Coco Pommel's obsessed with anal. If I wanted my sex life to consist of fucking someone in the ass regularly, I could have stayed on Earth. Always having to wash your dick after sex gets tiresome after a while.."

                                            >"Faggot. Also, you are fat. You have a gut the size of mine."

                                            "Hey, I won't pretend to be the world's strongest or fastest man, but I bench 225 for sets and I jog four days a week. There's some muscle under here. If I can quit fucking drinking, it'll be more visible."

                                            >You grab Nonny's hoof and push it against your belly in a couple places. In each spot, her hoof sinks into your body fat a little and then stops against your abs.

                                            >You don't notice the slight blush on Nonny's face as you do this.

                                            >Then you poke her stomach, and your finger sinks in all the way to your last knuckle.

                                            "I think I've made my point. Look, I'm speaking as a depressed wreck myself. Lying around won't do anything except make you feel worse."

                                            >You poke her again.

                                            "Come on, come for a walk with me. It's a beautiful day outside.

                                            >"No. Why don't you stay in here with me instead?"

                                            >She stretches, arching her back and spreading her legs to expose herself.

                                            >Well, you do kind of like her.

                                            "Okay."

                                            >"Wait, what?"

                                            >You pounce on Anonmare and bury your tongue in her mouth.


                                            >Sometime later...


                                            >"Gah! Fuck, you're hitting my cervix!"

                                            "I can't tell if you're complaining or enjoying it."

                                            >"Both. It hurts so good."

                                            >Nonny's flabby cottage-cheese ass cheeks...well, they don't actually clap against your hips as you fuck her. They just kind of squish.

                                            >You're reminded of an ex-girlfriend.

                                            >Except Nonny can probably be trusted not to choose her social life over her lover.

                                            >Goddammit, Megan.

                                            >"Anon? Are you okay?"

                                            >You shake the bad memories off and resume plowing the green mare's sopping trench, smacking her ass occasionally.

                                            >Eventually, Nonny's cervix gives way as you jackhammer it.

                                            >She screams and clenches in mingled agony and ecstasy, as the last inch of your dick sinks into her womb.

                                            >You feel the tension inside you building as you reach your own peak, and the tempo of your hand slapping her squishy ass speeds up.

                                            >Normally, you're not much for dirty talk -- you'd rather save your breath for thrusting -- but this time, you find the energy somehow.

                                            "That's it, you adorable nerd, have my kids!"

                                            >"Yes! Give it to me!"

                                            "Your womb is mine!"

                                            >"Yesssssss!"

                                            "Your heart is mine!"

                                            >"YES!"

                                            "Your soul is mine!"

                                            >"YESSSSSSSSSS!"

                                            "Have my satyr babies!"

                                            >Anonmare's face twists in what you expect to be a final scream of ecstasy.

                                            >You're wrong.

                                            >"REEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE----OHHHHFUCKI'MCUMMING!"

                                            >You came hard at the last, when her inner muscles did their best to wring you dry, but that piercing fucking screech honestly took most of the enjoyment out of it.

                                            >Instead of the primal satisfaction of impregnating someone, you just have tinnitus.

                                            >"You have shit taste in kids, you faggot."

                                            "Well, you're going to be carrying them, so you better get used to it right quick."

                                            >She draws in a deep breath and you fix her with your best death glare.

                                            "Don't you dare fucking scream again. Use your words instead."

                                            >"Satyrs are shit. Human boys and fillies are the ideal offspring."

                                            >You bite her shoulder gently.

                                            "That's an acceptable alternative. See, was that so hard?"

                                            >"C-could you do that again, please?"

                                            "What, talk things out like reasonable individuals?"

                                            >"No, jackass, bite me again!"

                                            "Rude."

                                            >You get a mouthful of shoulder and bite, less gently.

                                            >"Gaaahhh."

                                            >Things go on lewdly from there.