GREEN
1194
4
3153 17.41 KB 328
3153 17.41 KB 328
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>"Eris. This needs to stop."
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>Eris looked up from watching two ponies build a snowmare out of vanilla pudding
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>a purplesmart had appeared
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>and several of her friends
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>but... not five of them
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>"I see where you're coming from, but no, I think I'll keep doing my thing."
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>she snaps her talons, and the pudding snowmare comes to life
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>and promptly tries to engulf her creators
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>Twilight stomps up and knocks Eris's popcorn bucket out of her paws
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>it lands top-down, and a crab appears under it to scuttle away
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>"I'm not here to fight, Eris. I'm here to bargain. Or bet, as it may be."
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>the draconequus blinks, then lays luxuriously over the backs of a couple of stallions sliding by on the soapy ground
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>"A bet? Well, you've piqued my interest. What's your game, Twinkle Sprinkle?"
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>Twilight opens her mouth, but Rarity speaks up first
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>"Well, Eris, we were thinking of what would make you... act out, shall we say. And then it struck me! Poor dear, you've been single for MILLENIA!"
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>Eris slithers through the air and puts her talons under Rarity's chin
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>"You think that the reason that I, the Mistress of Chaos and Disharmony, am sowing chaos and disharmony is because I can't get my pussies plowed?"
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>Rarity squeaks
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>before Eris could growl any more in her face, a pink leg wraps itself around her
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>suddenly, she finds herself staring into the candy-scented face of Pinkie Pie
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>"Sure! I mean, whew, you should've seen me before I found Ponyville's casual hookup life! Seriously, what zero dick does to an mf."
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>Eris puts her paw atop Pinkie's head and sets the mare spinning like a top away from her
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>the two ponies she had been watching trip over the prone pank ponk
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>a hoof made of pudding slaps wetly against the muzzle of one, muffling his screams
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>"Okay, so what's your angle? You gonna put on a strap and hope to plow the chaos out of me? Because I will ruin you."
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>Twilight shakes her head
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>"Nope! As I said, a bet. We bet we can get you to fall in love with a stallion in Ponyville within a year. If we win... well, I don't think we'll even need to win anything, because you'll stop wanting to take over Equestria!"
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>Eris snorts
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>then bursts out laughing
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>physical "HA!"s fly from her mouth and smack Twilight in the snout
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>she collapses against another Eris, who also giggles at Twilight's proposition
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>once she recovers, the other Eris turns into a coatrack
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>"Whew! You sure know how to draw a losing hand! If I win... heh, if I win, you all give up. I won't even take your minds. You'll be lucid as you watch Equestria crumble in my paw."
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>Twilight holds out a hoof
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>"Undo your chaos kingdom while the bet's on. There needs to be a Ponyville for there to be Ponyville stallions to court."
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>a scaly, taloned hand grabs the purple hoof
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>"I look forward to your despair."
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>she snaps her lion's paw
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>aside from a tall, noodly chaos spirit grinning like a cat who caught the mouse, everything looks back to normal
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---
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>Twilight stares at the thatched-roof house that was definitely not next to her Treebrary a day ago
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>it's painted a garish green, and the roof has polka-dots
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>the worst part of it is probably the occupant
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>in bunny slippers and a long bathrobe featuring cropped drawings of stallions mid-climax, Eris grins at her new neighbor
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>"Hi! I'm here to annoy you for the next three hundred and sixty-four days."
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>the purple pony can only sigh
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>so Eris continues
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>"Any luck finding a single, solitary stallion who's willing to even date me, the Queen of Chaos? I know I can be a bit much for their delicate sensibilities."
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>Twilight remains silent
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>Eris laughs and flicks her horn, which makes a "doiyoiyoing" sound
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>then turns back to her door
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>which... opens?
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>a strange, bipedal creature steps out
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>looks around
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"This isn't the IHOP bathroom."
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>...
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>be Anon
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>find yourself in a colorful wonderland in front of a small horse and some kind of freak of nature
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>either someone had laced your pancakes with the best fucking drugs you've ever had
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>or you are, somehow, not in the IHOP bathroom
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>and "not in the IHOP bathroom" is a very unfortunate place to be when you want to wash your hands at an IHOP
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>maybe the door is broken
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>open it again
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>ah, sweet, eldritch horrors beyond your comprehension
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>and yet, somehow not an IHOP
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>turn back to the two creatures
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>they're still staring at you
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>you must act as ambassador to your species - nay, your world
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>and gracefully request assistance in returning to your home
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>and your stack of pancakes
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>close your eyes
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>take a deep breath
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>speak plainly yet firmly
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"Where the everloving FUCK am I?"
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>that oughta do it
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>the purple horse furrows her brow
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>"You're in Ponyville. Eris, what did you do to that door?"
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>"Dunno. Apparently it dispenses monkeys now. Can I keep it?"
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"I'm not an 'it.' Also, how do I get back?"
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>the small horse - pony? - looks at "Eris"
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>the tall, thin beast looks back at the pony, then at you
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>"You probably can't. That's how this sort of thing usually goes, y'know?"
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>oh god
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>you've been isekai'd
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>you didn't even get hit by a truck
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>unless...
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>what if you did
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>one of the many mysteries of the IHOP
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>the pony is now glaring at the other thing
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>"Well, it came through YOUR door, probably because of YOUR chaos, so YOU should take care of it!"
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"STILL not an 'it,' you know!"
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>Eris grins
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>swoops towards and behind you
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>puts her mismatched hands on your shoulders
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>"What an EXCELLENT point, new mystery! See, I'm evil, so I get to be a twat like that. But my, my, Princess Celestia's own student being so cruel as to call this creature an 'it?' Scandalous!"
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"I'm a human."
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>Eris leans over you and sticks her tongue out
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>long, forked, and... plaid?
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>"You're a creature. But fear not! For I am a creature, too. Actually, go ahead and do fear me. I'm gonna take over Equestria in precisely a year, after all. Get ahead of the curve!"
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>a purple glow surrounds the tip of Eris's tongue
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>and pulls it towards the pony
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>Eris doesn't move, revealing meters of green, purple, striped, and all sorts of patterns of tongue
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>"Arrrgghhh! Eris, get over here! Stop bothering i- uh..."
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>a flash of light leaves the smell of pine trees in the air
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>Eris appears behind the pony
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>rests her chin on her elbows... on the pony's head
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>"Excellent! Back to my regularly-unscheduled bothering you! How many books do you think I can eat before you notice?"
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>purple horse is angry
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>you're pretty sure you see some of her hair- mane? start to smoke
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>"ANYWAY! I think we started off on the wrong hoof, thanks to a CERTAIN DRACONEQUUS."
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>Eris whistles innocently
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>which is impressive to do while eating a book, you must admit
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>the pony takes a deep breath
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>"So. My name is Twilight Sparkle, local librarian and the most responsible mare in this conversation."
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"Name's Anonymous, or just Anon. And I'm a guy, thank you very much."
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>Twilight looks at Eris, catching her in the middle of nibbling on the book's appendix
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>it's bleeding profusely
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>"What? You call my name more than a stallion in bed. He knows who I am."
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>they glare at each other, one angry and the other smug
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>your stomach growls
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>fuck, you never got to eat your pancakes
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>and you may never get to
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"Uh, Twilight, Eris? Any idea where I'd get some food? I'm apparently no longer in the same dimension as my brunch."
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>the purple glow envelops the entire Eris this time
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>and sends her hurtling to the ground next to you
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>"Eris, go show him around. You're the one who summoned him, you deal with the consequences. I need to go open the library and plan how to win our bet."
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>"Oh? 'Consequences?' Not because you'd trip over yourself trying to talk to the colt selling hayburgers?"
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>Twilight's purple hair is definitely going to catch on fire soon
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>that can't possibly be healthy
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>but then she vanishes in a flash of purple light
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>that pony sure is purple
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"Are you two... always like that?"
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>"Pshh, she's just cranky because I tried to take over the world yesterday and am gonna do it in a year when she fails to make me fall in love or whatever."
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>blink
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"She... has a crush on you?"
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>Eris slaps her paw to her mouth
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>then bursts out laughing a moment later
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>it's like the phonic version of a slow-mo car crash in light snow
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>disastrous
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>oddly beautiful
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>probably a crime
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>teaches you new things about how bodies can bend
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>"Hoo... nah, I'll fill you in as we go. Plus, walking around town'll give me a kick out of seeing all the ponies I was playing with yesterday. Or a week ago, depending on how you measure time."
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>she pulls herself up to as vertical as her body seems to like and takes a few steps
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>she's noticeably taller than you
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>or maybe "longer" is a better word
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>her talons pinch the bridge of her snout
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>then gesture towards the rest of, apparently, Ponyville
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>"Uh, gentlecolts first."
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>stare at her for a second
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>shrug and lead the way
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---
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>finally reach the end of Eris's "tour"
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>in which you wandered, directionless, and Eris would point out what she thought was useful
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>this ranged from the expected:
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>"That's Sugarcube Corner, where Pinkie Pie lives and works. I love it, it's the most chaotic place I've been in years where physics still mostly works. I'm getting you pancakes there."
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>"Mayor's office is there. If you told someone to draw the word 'boring,' you'd get that. You'd think they would've appreciated it more being turned into a slip-n-slide during my reign, but nooo..."
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>to the unusual:
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>"About four ponies run that farm. Thanks to me, about one in every ten trees drops some pears with its apples. You should see the look on their faces, priceless!"
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>"Bon Bon's shop is a front for secret business, but she runs it so well that the guard doesn't even bother looking into it."
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>to the downright bizarre:
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>"Spike can play his tongue like a guitar, so some of the books have water damage from drool flying places."
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>"Watch, this is what happens when several ponies' lemonade gets replaced with lemonade-colored hot sauce."
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>but now, the two of you have arrived at a cottage way away from the town
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>nearby birds are surprisingly unbothered by Eris
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>this makes them braver than many ponies
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>she knocks on the door
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>"Oh, Fluttershy, dear, I've brought you a monkey!"
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"I'm not a monkey."
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>"You're kind of a monkey."
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>nothing happens
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>Eris knocks again
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>a quiet voice floats through the door
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>"I-I'm not here, miss Eris, but you can leave the monkey for a checkup. I hope you haven't hurt the poor thing."
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>shrug
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>Eris yawns
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>thankfully, she's a quiet foghorn
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>"I'm heading back, then. If you can't find your way back... you're a decently clean colt, I'm sure a mare would love to keep you company for the night."
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>she folds herself into a paper biplane, then flaps away out of sight
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>the door eventually opens a crack
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>"Is she still there? Did she really leave a monkey?"
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>there's nobody at pony-height
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>perhaps she's invisible?
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>hear some odd squeaking, decide to answer her anyway
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"Yeah, she... folded herself up and flew away. Also, still not a monkey."
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>the door opens a bit wider
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>revealing a yellow pegasus with a pink mane
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>you're getting the vocabulary down pretty well after Eris's help
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>she looks you up and down
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>"No, monkeys have tails. An ape, perhaps. Do you know why... she dropped you here?"
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"She did something to a door, and now I'm here and not where I used to be, so Twilight got her to give me a tour."
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>look back at Ponyville
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>you walked through... most of it, honestly
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"Tour's over, I guess, so she left. Er, I can go, too, if you like. You seem kinda nervous."
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>"If you don't mind. Thank you for understanding."
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>nod and turn around
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>take a few steps
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>"Wait!"
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>it's the quietest shout you ever heard
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>turn back around
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>"Um, I work with plenty of animals, so if you run into issues with your health or diet, I'm always here to help."
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>give her an awkward smile
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"I wish folks'd stop calling me an animal, but sure thing, F- uh, Fluttershy, was it?"
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>"Oh my goodness I'm so sorry! What should I call you, then? And, yes, I'm Fluttershy."
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"I'm a human, so you're sorta right with the ape thing? But even better, my name's Anonymous, or just Anon for short."
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>"Okay, Anonymous. Have a good day! Safe travels."
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"You too. Seeya."
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>make your way back down the trail
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>the birds are singing, now
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>guess Eris did spook them somewhat
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---
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>walk all the way back to the library
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>the sun is setting
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>catch a glimpse of a pony head in the window of the tree
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>it vanishes
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>a burst of purple later, an equally-purple unicorn stands before you
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>Twilight looks at you and around you
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>"Anonymous! Where's- wait, let me guess. Eris tried to- to DO something to you, but you managed to escape, and now you're seeking shelter from the one pony you think can resist her tricks?"
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>blink
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>try to process that fanfic-tier assumption
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"No, once we got to Fluttershy's place, she said the tour was over and went home."
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>this does not placate the panicked purple pony
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>"She left you? Alone? But what if a shady mare tried to lure or force you away?"
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"Well, you're all kinda small, so I could probably just leave. Maybe guilt Fluttershy into letting me spend the night, but that's kind of a dick move."
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>shake your head to clear it
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"Anyway, point is, I'm back safe and sound, and, if I recall, the two of you heavily implied that I'm gonna be staying with her. Or, hell, maybe the front door will lead back to IHOP or something."
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>keep walking towards Eris's house
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>an invisible force tugs at your arm
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>"Just... be careful around her, okay? I don't want her destroying somepon- er, somecreature who doesn't know what he's getting into."
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>nod at her
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>pull your arm free
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>onwards towards Eris
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>knock on the door
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>it swings open from the bottom
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>revealing Eris in a pink bathrobe and curlers in her hair
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>glance down
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>a hoof in a blue pony slipper, a scaled claw in a white one...
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>and pieces of what look like aluminum foil stuck in her tail
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>"What is i- oh! Anon! Come on in!"
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>duck under the door
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>it looks almost normal
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>the hallway goes straight out the front door again
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>a staircase leads up to the ceiling, but its underside goes to the second floor
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>"'ve you had dinner yet?"
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"No, and it's not like I have any Equestrian money to pay for it."
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>"We'll eat together, then. I was just gonna have some synonym buns by myself, unless you have any suggestions?"
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>give her a puzzled look
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"Don't you mean cinna- ah, nevermind. Whatcha got?"
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>she twists through the air, laying on her back upon nothing with a grin on her face
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>"Anon, Anon. I'm not some two-bit charlatan, I'm the gen-u-aiyn Queen of Chaos! We can have anything I want."
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>she snaps her paw
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>a jellybean appears in front of you
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>glance at her
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>she smirks and nods for you to try it
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>well, from what you know of her
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>if she was gonna roofie you, she'd just smack you with a cartoon baseball bat or something
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>lean forward and eat the bean
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>close your eyes as a grainy sort of warmth blossoms on your tongue
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>there's a hint of coolness, a gentle yet impermanent breeze
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>the taste of watermelon, of ice cream, of sea salt
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>it tastes like sun-warmed grass and flowers smell
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>something freeing, as though your worries are put on pause for a month or two
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"It... it tastes like summer."
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>open your eyes
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>Eris is grinning two inches in front of you
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>shout and stumble back
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>"I know, isn't it great?! So, what'll it be? Might as well make it interesting for your first night here, eh?"
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>she frowns and sticks out her forked tongue
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>"Just don't be boring, okay? No daisy sandwiches."
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>interesting, huh?
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>well, for a land of ponies...
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"How about cheeseburgers? Er, do you know what those are?"
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>"Sure! But you'll have to catch 'em yourself!"
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>she hands you a spear
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>take it without thinking
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>follow her into the kitchen
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>she floats over to the counter and starts doing... something
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>movement catches your eye
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>cheeseburgers scuttle around on four wide-set burger legs
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>some with ketchup, some with pickles, some with sesame seeds
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"So I just... stab them?"
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>"Yep, unless you want to pander to a certain audience."
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>jab the spear at a burger
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>it barely dodges away
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"...what?"
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>"Like this!"
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>with surprising speed, her tail flicks a cheeseburger up into her hands
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>it twists and flails its legs, but she holds tight
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>brings it up to her mouth
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>and slowly pushes it back
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>her first swallow pins the burger's forelegs
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>at her second, she closes her jaws
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>another gulp, and a squirming bulge appears in her furry neck
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>traveling steadily down her long, slender body
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>its descent stops, but the burger within still struggles against its prison
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>Eris pats her belly a few times and belches
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>the noise jolts you out of the strange, entranced focus
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>"But, human pred a shit, so yeah go ahead and stab away!"
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>stare at her
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>she goes back to folding some sort of burrito
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>shake your head
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>ready your spear
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>hit your target
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>its legs retract as you bring it up to your hand
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>looks like a normal cheeseburger
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>pull it off your spear and take a bite
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>tastes like a normal cheeseburger
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>shrug and try to put that memory of Eris from your mind
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>finish eating it
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>start looking for another burger
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>maybe a slider
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>you're not THAT hungry
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>Eris turns around with a burrito dripping chocolate syrup
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>"Ta-da! A trick pizza!"
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>look at her
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>look at the burrito
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"That's not a pizza."
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>she wraps an arm around your shoulders
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>pulls your head close against hers
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>"That's the trick."
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>she bites into her food
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>some chocolate splatters onto your face
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>before you say anything, she licks it off
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>then goes on eating
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>unwrap her arm from your shoulders
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>spear yourself another burger
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>you could probably get used to this
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>but it WOULD take some getting used to
by dzamie
by dzamie
by dzamie
by dzamie
by dzamie