GREEN
1352
4
3153 17.41 KB 328
3153 17.41 KB 328
-
1.
>"Eris. This needs to stop."
-
2.
>Eris looked up from watching two ponies build a snowmare out of vanilla pudding
-
3.
>a purplesmart had appeared
-
4.
>and several of her friends
-
5.
>but... not five of them
-
6.
>"I see where you're coming from, but no, I think I'll keep doing my thing."
-
7.
>she snaps her talons, and the pudding snowmare comes to life
-
8.
>and promptly tries to engulf her creators
-
9.
>Twilight stomps up and knocks Eris's popcorn bucket out of her paws
-
10.
>it lands top-down, and a crab appears under it to scuttle away
-
11.
>"I'm not here to fight, Eris. I'm here to bargain. Or bet, as it may be."
-
12.
>the draconequus blinks, then lays luxuriously over the backs of a couple of stallions sliding by on the soapy ground
-
13.
>"A bet? Well, you've piqued my interest. What's your game, Twinkle Sprinkle?"
-
14.
>Twilight opens her mouth, but Rarity speaks up first
-
15.
>"Well, Eris, we were thinking of what would make you... act out, shall we say. And then it struck me! Poor dear, you've been single for MILLENIA!"
-
16.
>Eris slithers through the air and puts her talons under Rarity's chin
-
17.
>"You think that the reason that I, the Mistress of Chaos and Disharmony, am sowing chaos and disharmony is because I can't get my pussies plowed?"
-
18.
>Rarity squeaks
-
19.
>before Eris could growl any more in her face, a pink leg wraps itself around her
-
20.
>suddenly, she finds herself staring into the candy-scented face of Pinkie Pie
-
21.
>"Sure! I mean, whew, you should've seen me before I found Ponyville's casual hookup life! Seriously, what zero dick does to an mf."
-
22.
>Eris puts her paw atop Pinkie's head and sets the mare spinning like a top away from her
-
23.
>the two ponies she had been watching trip over the prone pank ponk
-
24.
>a hoof made of pudding slaps wetly against the muzzle of one, muffling his screams
-
25.
>"Okay, so what's your angle? You gonna put on a strap and hope to plow the chaos out of me? Because I will ruin you."
-
26.
>Twilight shakes her head
-
27.
>"Nope! As I said, a bet. We bet we can get you to fall in love with a stallion in Ponyville within a year. If we win... well, I don't think we'll even need to win anything, because you'll stop wanting to take over Equestria!"
-
28.
>Eris snorts
-
29.
>then bursts out laughing
-
30.
>physical "HA!"s fly from her mouth and smack Twilight in the snout
-
31.
>she collapses against another Eris, who also giggles at Twilight's proposition
-
32.
>once she recovers, the other Eris turns into a coatrack
-
33.
>"Whew! You sure know how to draw a losing hand! If I win... heh, if I win, you all give up. I won't even take your minds. You'll be lucid as you watch Equestria crumble in my paw."
-
34.
>Twilight holds out a hoof
-
35.
>"Undo your chaos kingdom while the bet's on. There needs to be a Ponyville for there to be Ponyville stallions to court."
-
36.
>a scaly, taloned hand grabs the purple hoof
-
37.
>"I look forward to your despair."
-
38.
>she snaps her lion's paw
-
39.
>aside from a tall, noodly chaos spirit grinning like a cat who caught the mouse, everything looks back to normal
-
40.
---
-
41.
>Twilight stares at the thatched-roof house that was definitely not next to her Treebrary a day ago
-
42.
>it's painted a garish green, and the roof has polka-dots
-
43.
>the worst part of it is probably the occupant
-
44.
>in bunny slippers and a long bathrobe featuring cropped drawings of stallions mid-climax, Eris grins at her new neighbor
-
45.
>"Hi! I'm here to annoy you for the next three hundred and sixty-four days."
-
46.
>the purple pony can only sigh
-
47.
>so Eris continues
-
48.
>"Any luck finding a single, solitary stallion who's willing to even date me, the Queen of Chaos? I know I can be a bit much for their delicate sensibilities."
-
49.
>Twilight remains silent
-
50.
>Eris laughs and flicks her horn, which makes a "doiyoiyoing" sound
-
51.
>then turns back to her door
-
52.
>which... opens?
-
53.
>a strange, bipedal creature steps out
-
54.
>looks around
-
55.
"This isn't the IHOP bathroom."
-
56.
>...
-
57.
>be Anon
-
58.
>find yourself in a colorful wonderland in front of a small horse and some kind of freak of nature
-
59.
>either someone had laced your pancakes with the best fucking drugs you've ever had
-
60.
>or you are, somehow, not in the IHOP bathroom
-
61.
>and "not in the IHOP bathroom" is a very unfortunate place to be when you want to wash your hands at an IHOP
-
62.
>maybe the door is broken
-
63.
>open it again
-
64.
>ah, sweet, eldritch horrors beyond your comprehension
-
65.
>and yet, somehow not an IHOP
-
66.
>turn back to the two creatures
-
67.
>they're still staring at you
-
68.
>you must act as ambassador to your species - nay, your world
-
69.
>and gracefully request assistance in returning to your home
-
70.
>and your stack of pancakes
-
71.
>close your eyes
-
72.
>take a deep breath
-
73.
>speak plainly yet firmly
-
74.
"Where the everloving FUCK am I?"
-
75.
>that oughta do it
-
76.
>the purple horse furrows her brow
-
77.
>"You're in Ponyville. Eris, what did you do to that door?"
-
78.
>"Dunno. Apparently it dispenses monkeys now. Can I keep it?"
-
79.
"I'm not an 'it.' Also, how do I get back?"
-
80.
>the small horse - pony? - looks at "Eris"
-
81.
>the tall, thin beast looks back at the pony, then at you
-
82.
>"You probably can't. That's how this sort of thing usually goes, y'know?"
-
83.
>oh god
-
84.
>you've been isekai'd
-
85.
>you didn't even get hit by a truck
-
86.
>unless...
-
87.
>what if you did
-
88.
>one of the many mysteries of the IHOP
-
89.
>the pony is now glaring at the other thing
-
90.
>"Well, it came through YOUR door, probably because of YOUR chaos, so YOU should take care of it!"
-
91.
"STILL not an 'it,' you know!"
-
92.
>Eris grins
-
93.
>swoops towards and behind you
-
94.
>puts her mismatched hands on your shoulders
-
95.
>"What an EXCELLENT point, new mystery! See, I'm evil, so I get to be a twat like that. But my, my, Princess Celestia's own student being so cruel as to call this creature an 'it?' Scandalous!"
-
96.
"I'm a human."
-
97.
>Eris leans over you and sticks her tongue out
-
98.
>long, forked, and... plaid?
-
99.
>"You're a creature. But fear not! For I am a creature, too. Actually, go ahead and do fear me. I'm gonna take over Equestria in precisely a year, after all. Get ahead of the curve!"
-
100.
>a purple glow surrounds the tip of Eris's tongue
-
101.
>and pulls it towards the pony
-
102.
>Eris doesn't move, revealing meters of green, purple, striped, and all sorts of patterns of tongue
-
103.
>"Arrrgghhh! Eris, get over here! Stop bothering i- uh..."
-
104.
>a flash of light leaves the smell of pine trees in the air
-
105.
>Eris appears behind the pony
-
106.
>rests her chin on her elbows... on the pony's head
-
107.
>"Excellent! Back to my regularly-unscheduled bothering you! How many books do you think I can eat before you notice?"
-
108.
>purple horse is angry
-
109.
>you're pretty sure you see some of her hair- mane? start to smoke
-
110.
>"ANYWAY! I think we started off on the wrong hoof, thanks to a CERTAIN DRACONEQUUS."
-
111.
>Eris whistles innocently
-
112.
>which is impressive to do while eating a book, you must admit
-
113.
>the pony takes a deep breath
-
114.
>"So. My name is Twilight Sparkle, local librarian and the most responsible mare in this conversation."
-
115.
"Name's Anonymous, or just Anon. And I'm a guy, thank you very much."
-
116.
>Twilight looks at Eris, catching her in the middle of nibbling on the book's appendix
-
117.
>it's bleeding profusely
-
118.
>"What? You call my name more than a stallion in bed. He knows who I am."
-
119.
>they glare at each other, one angry and the other smug
-
120.
>your stomach growls
-
121.
>fuck, you never got to eat your pancakes
-
122.
>and you may never get to
-
123.
"Uh, Twilight, Eris? Any idea where I'd get some food? I'm apparently no longer in the same dimension as my brunch."
-
124.
>the purple glow envelops the entire Eris this time
-
125.
>and sends her hurtling to the ground next to you
-
126.
>"Eris, go show him around. You're the one who summoned him, you deal with the consequences. I need to go open the library and plan how to win our bet."
-
127.
>"Oh? 'Consequences?' Not because you'd trip over yourself trying to talk to the colt selling hayburgers?"
-
128.
>Twilight's purple hair is definitely going to catch on fire soon
-
129.
>that can't possibly be healthy
-
130.
>but then she vanishes in a flash of purple light
-
131.
>that pony sure is purple
-
132.
"Are you two... always like that?"
-
133.
>"Pshh, she's just cranky because I tried to take over the world yesterday and am gonna do it in a year when she fails to make me fall in love or whatever."
-
134.
>blink
-
135.
"She... has a crush on you?"
-
136.
>Eris slaps her paw to her mouth
-
137.
>then bursts out laughing a moment later
-
138.
>it's like the phonic version of a slow-mo car crash in light snow
-
139.
>disastrous
-
140.
>oddly beautiful
-
141.
>probably a crime
-
142.
>teaches you new things about how bodies can bend
-
143.
>"Hoo... nah, I'll fill you in as we go. Plus, walking around town'll give me a kick out of seeing all the ponies I was playing with yesterday. Or a week ago, depending on how you measure time."
-
144.
>she pulls herself up to as vertical as her body seems to like and takes a few steps
-
145.
>she's noticeably taller than you
-
146.
>or maybe "longer" is a better word
-
147.
>her talons pinch the bridge of her snout
-
148.
>then gesture towards the rest of, apparently, Ponyville
-
149.
>"Uh, gentlecolts first."
-
150.
>stare at her for a second
-
151.
>shrug and lead the way
-
152.
---
-
153.
>finally reach the end of Eris's "tour"
-
154.
>in which you wandered, directionless, and Eris would point out what she thought was useful
-
155.
>this ranged from the expected:
-
156.
>"That's Sugarcube Corner, where Pinkie Pie lives and works. I love it, it's the most chaotic place I've been in years where physics still mostly works. I'm getting you pancakes there."
-
157.
>"Mayor's office is there. If you told someone to draw the word 'boring,' you'd get that. You'd think they would've appreciated it more being turned into a slip-n-slide during my reign, but nooo..."
-
158.
>to the unusual:
-
159.
>"About four ponies run that farm. Thanks to me, about one in every ten trees drops some pears with its apples. You should see the look on their faces, priceless!"
-
160.
>"Bon Bon's shop is a front for secret business, but she runs it so well that the guard doesn't even bother looking into it."
-
161.
>to the downright bizarre:
-
162.
>"Spike can play his tongue like a guitar, so some of the books have water damage from drool flying places."
-
163.
>"Watch, this is what happens when several ponies' lemonade gets replaced with lemonade-colored hot sauce."
-
164.
>but now, the two of you have arrived at a cottage way away from the town
-
165.
>nearby birds are surprisingly unbothered by Eris
-
166.
>this makes them braver than many ponies
-
167.
>she knocks on the door
-
168.
>"Oh, Fluttershy, dear, I've brought you a monkey!"
-
169.
"I'm not a monkey."
-
170.
>"You're kind of a monkey."
-
171.
>nothing happens
-
172.
>Eris knocks again
-
173.
>a quiet voice floats through the door
-
174.
>"I-I'm not here, miss Eris, but you can leave the monkey for a checkup. I hope you haven't hurt the poor thing."
-
175.
>shrug
-
176.
>Eris yawns
-
177.
>thankfully, she's a quiet foghorn
-
178.
>"I'm heading back, then. If you can't find your way back... you're a decently clean colt, I'm sure a mare would love to keep you company for the night."
-
179.
>she folds herself into a paper biplane, then flaps away out of sight
-
180.
>the door eventually opens a crack
-
181.
>"Is she still there? Did she really leave a monkey?"
-
182.
>there's nobody at pony-height
-
183.
>perhaps she's invisible?
-
184.
>hear some odd squeaking, decide to answer her anyway
-
185.
"Yeah, she... folded herself up and flew away. Also, still not a monkey."
-
186.
>the door opens a bit wider
-
187.
>revealing a yellow pegasus with a pink mane
-
188.
>you're getting the vocabulary down pretty well after Eris's help
-
189.
>she looks you up and down
-
190.
>"No, monkeys have tails. An ape, perhaps. Do you know why... she dropped you here?"
-
191.
"She did something to a door, and now I'm here and not where I used to be, so Twilight got her to give me a tour."
-
192.
>look back at Ponyville
-
193.
>you walked through... most of it, honestly
-
194.
"Tour's over, I guess, so she left. Er, I can go, too, if you like. You seem kinda nervous."
-
195.
>"If you don't mind. Thank you for understanding."
-
196.
>nod and turn around
-
197.
>take a few steps
-
198.
>"Wait!"
-
199.
>it's the quietest shout you ever heard
-
200.
>turn back around
-
201.
>"Um, I work with plenty of animals, so if you run into issues with your health or diet, I'm always here to help."
-
202.
>give her an awkward smile
-
203.
"I wish folks'd stop calling me an animal, but sure thing, F- uh, Fluttershy, was it?"
-
204.
>"Oh my goodness I'm so sorry! What should I call you, then? And, yes, I'm Fluttershy."
-
205.
"I'm a human, so you're sorta right with the ape thing? But even better, my name's Anonymous, or just Anon for short."
-
206.
>"Okay, Anonymous. Have a good day! Safe travels."
-
207.
"You too. Seeya."
-
208.
>make your way back down the trail
-
209.
>the birds are singing, now
-
210.
>guess Eris did spook them somewhat
-
211.
---
-
212.
>walk all the way back to the library
-
213.
>the sun is setting
-
214.
>catch a glimpse of a pony head in the window of the tree
-
215.
>it vanishes
-
216.
>a burst of purple later, an equally-purple unicorn stands before you
-
217.
>Twilight looks at you and around you
-
218.
>"Anonymous! Where's- wait, let me guess. Eris tried to- to DO something to you, but you managed to escape, and now you're seeking shelter from the one pony you think can resist her tricks?"
-
219.
>blink
-
220.
>try to process that fanfic-tier assumption
-
221.
"No, once we got to Fluttershy's place, she said the tour was over and went home."
-
222.
>this does not placate the panicked purple pony
-
223.
>"She left you? Alone? But what if a shady mare tried to lure or force you away?"
-
224.
"Well, you're all kinda small, so I could probably just leave. Maybe guilt Fluttershy into letting me spend the night, but that's kind of a dick move."
-
225.
>shake your head to clear it
-
226.
"Anyway, point is, I'm back safe and sound, and, if I recall, the two of you heavily implied that I'm gonna be staying with her. Or, hell, maybe the front door will lead back to IHOP or something."
-
227.
>keep walking towards Eris's house
-
228.
>an invisible force tugs at your arm
-
229.
>"Just... be careful around her, okay? I don't want her destroying somepon- er, somecreature who doesn't know what he's getting into."
-
230.
>nod at her
-
231.
>pull your arm free
-
232.
>onwards towards Eris
-
233.
>knock on the door
-
234.
>it swings open from the bottom
-
235.
>revealing Eris in a pink bathrobe and curlers in her hair
-
236.
>glance down
-
237.
>a hoof in a blue pony slipper, a scaled claw in a white one...
-
238.
>and pieces of what look like aluminum foil stuck in her tail
-
239.
>"What is i- oh! Anon! Come on in!"
-
240.
>duck under the door
-
241.
>it looks almost normal
-
242.
>the hallway goes straight out the front door again
-
243.
>a staircase leads up to the ceiling, but its underside goes to the second floor
-
244.
>"'ve you had dinner yet?"
-
245.
"No, and it's not like I have any Equestrian money to pay for it."
-
246.
>"We'll eat together, then. I was just gonna have some synonym buns by myself, unless you have any suggestions?"
-
247.
>give her a puzzled look
-
248.
"Don't you mean cinna- ah, nevermind. Whatcha got?"
-
249.
>she twists through the air, laying on her back upon nothing with a grin on her face
-
250.
>"Anon, Anon. I'm not some two-bit charlatan, I'm the gen-u-aiyn Queen of Chaos! We can have anything I want."
-
251.
>she snaps her paw
-
252.
>a jellybean appears in front of you
-
253.
>glance at her
-
254.
>she smirks and nods for you to try it
-
255.
>well, from what you know of her
-
256.
>if she was gonna roofie you, she'd just smack you with a cartoon baseball bat or something
-
257.
>lean forward and eat the bean
-
258.
>close your eyes as a grainy sort of warmth blossoms on your tongue
-
259.
>there's a hint of coolness, a gentle yet impermanent breeze
-
260.
>the taste of watermelon, of ice cream, of sea salt
-
261.
>it tastes like sun-warmed grass and flowers smell
-
262.
>something freeing, as though your worries are put on pause for a month or two
-
263.
"It... it tastes like summer."
-
264.
>open your eyes
-
265.
>Eris is grinning two inches in front of you
-
266.
>shout and stumble back
-
267.
>"I know, isn't it great?! So, what'll it be? Might as well make it interesting for your first night here, eh?"
-
268.
>she frowns and sticks out her forked tongue
-
269.
>"Just don't be boring, okay? No daisy sandwiches."
-
270.
>interesting, huh?
-
271.
>well, for a land of ponies...
-
272.
"How about cheeseburgers? Er, do you know what those are?"
-
273.
>"Sure! But you'll have to catch 'em yourself!"
-
274.
>she hands you a spear
-
275.
>take it without thinking
-
276.
>follow her into the kitchen
-
277.
>she floats over to the counter and starts doing... something
-
278.
>movement catches your eye
-
279.
>cheeseburgers scuttle around on four wide-set burger legs
-
280.
>some with ketchup, some with pickles, some with sesame seeds
-
281.
"So I just... stab them?"
-
282.
>"Yep, unless you want to pander to a certain audience."
-
283.
>jab the spear at a burger
-
284.
>it barely dodges away
-
285.
"...what?"
-
286.
>"Like this!"
-
287.
>with surprising speed, her tail flicks a cheeseburger up into her hands
-
288.
>it twists and flails its legs, but she holds tight
-
289.
>brings it up to her mouth
-
290.
>and slowly pushes it back
-
291.
>her first swallow pins the burger's forelegs
-
292.
>at her second, she closes her jaws
-
293.
>another gulp, and a squirming bulge appears in her furry neck
-
294.
>traveling steadily down her long, slender body
-
295.
>its descent stops, but the burger within still struggles against its prison
-
296.
>Eris pats her belly a few times and belches
-
297.
>the noise jolts you out of the strange, entranced focus
-
298.
>"But, human pred a shit, so yeah go ahead and stab away!"
-
299.
>stare at her
-
300.
>she goes back to folding some sort of burrito
-
301.
>shake your head
-
302.
>ready your spear
-
303.
>hit your target
-
304.
>its legs retract as you bring it up to your hand
-
305.
>looks like a normal cheeseburger
-
306.
>pull it off your spear and take a bite
-
307.
>tastes like a normal cheeseburger
-
308.
>shrug and try to put that memory of Eris from your mind
-
309.
>finish eating it
-
310.
>start looking for another burger
-
311.
>maybe a slider
-
312.
>you're not THAT hungry
-
313.
>Eris turns around with a burrito dripping chocolate syrup
-
314.
>"Ta-da! A trick pizza!"
-
315.
>look at her
-
316.
>look at the burrito
-
317.
"That's not a pizza."
-
318.
>she wraps an arm around your shoulders
-
319.
>pulls your head close against hers
-
320.
>"That's the trick."
-
321.
>she bites into her food
-
322.
>some chocolate splatters onto your face
-
323.
>before you say anything, she licks it off
-
324.
>then goes on eating
-
325.
>unwrap her arm from your shoulders
-
326.
>spear yourself another burger
-
327.
>you could probably get used to this
-
328.
>but it WOULD take some getting used to
by dzamie
by dzamie
by dzamie
by dzamie
by dzamie